#My anxity is very happy right now

[chibinekochan]

Some people have probably seen it but my blog was affected by the rayban hack.

I changed my pw and from what I can tell nothing else was changed but be careful.

Don't click on it.

I didn't click on it and still got affected somehow so stay safe.

Don't click on Rayban!

I got two factor authentication now and changed my pw.

[fakeloveaskblog]

Pft, texting memes, oh dear. I'm happy both Remus and Remy found a friend. Also, message for Janus: "Same color as my murdered husband's blood? Seriously Janus? In other news, please talk to Logan. I honestly have no idea why you reacted as you did back during that get together, but it hurt him and you don't seem to be doing so hot either, maybe talking to him about how he made you uncomfortable and why you reacted that way will help?"

(Words: 1351)

It had been a slow day at the library. Janus had done his best to avoid Logan by spending all day behind a desk doing paper work. Just like he'd done the entire week.

He leaned back in the chair and stretched out his arms. Coffee time. He walked like an exhausted armadillo to the break room. He regretted it the moment he opened the door.

Logan sat by the table. An astronomy magazine sat in his hands along with his lunch sandwich. He was wearing a shirt which was clearly actually Patty's because it had nothing but puppies and rainbows on it and was a bit too short for him.

Janus froze in the doorway. His throat filled with regret. Logan looked up at the sudden sound. Their eyes met. He couldn't breathe.

He held onto the door handle like it was a lifeline. It took a moment before he was even able to move. And as soon as he could he tried to leave.

"Wait!" Logan got up and hurried over to him. He made sure to not get too close "About the get together-"

"I'm sorry" Janus mumbled out. He stared down into the ground.

"It's not- You don't have to apologize. I'm not angry. Anger is the last thing I am feeling...I only want to know what I did wrong. What- Why I made you uncomfortable. So I don't do it again"

Janus couldn't reply. It was all too much. Too many thoughts were piling up inside his head until it felt like his skull would break. Logan's gentle voice was only making it worse.

His heart hurt "I- I-"

Tears welled into his eyes and a shaky sob left his lips. He tried to desperately hide his crying by burying his head in his gloved hands but he couldn’t stop his shaking shoulders or weak sobs.

“Oh dear” Logan gently placed his hands on his shoulders and led him over to the table “Let’s sit down okay”

Janus tried to make himself as small as possible as he sat down on the chair. He didn’t look up at his love. 

“This is pathetic” He mumbled out while hopeleesly trying to force the tears away. They had been building up for so so long. Now he couldn’t stop sobbing.

“It’s not. Take your time. There’s no rush”

He held onto the fabric of his pants so hard they wrinkled “Logan I- I promise- Since I met you- I- I’ve never been more awake in my entire life- I used to live in a fog of just surviving but you opened my eyes and I’ve been yearning to actually live ever since...and- and I’ve- I’ve wanted to live with you”

Logan was taken aback. He reached out to take Janus’ hand but his crush flinched away.

“But...I....I also..” Janus crumbled in on himself and the sobs racked his body “I also feel so much shame- I- I- Just because you’re a guy- and- and I am too- and it’s constant guilt and shame and feeling dirty swallowing me whole....When you tried to kiss me...I wanted it...I so so wanted it...wanted you....But the shame was too much”

“.....That’s okay” Logan assured.

Janus looked up at him in surprise. With his checks wet from tears “What?”

“It is. I am very glad you are honest with me. I appreciate it. I won’t question why you feel that way unless you wish to tell me. I will do my best to help either way. On days when the shame is too much I won’t engage in romantic activities unless you want to. And if the shame is too much every day, well then I shall wait and help you heal until the shame has lessened. No matter how long it takes”

Somehow even more tears welled into his eyes “Lo-Logie!!” He let out as a sob-squeal.

“That is indeed me. Though honestly I do suggest bringing these negative feelings up to Picani. I am aware he is you’re ‘fake therapist’ but he is still an educated man. I am sure he could help, and if these feelings are affecting you to this deegre help is what you need”

Janus was looking like a puppy who’d just gotten their first doggy treat and was having a breakdown over it “You’re so sweet”

Logan straightened his back out of proudness and smiled “Well thank you. I try my best!”

“No. No. That’s the problem” Janus moved further away “You’re so sweet and good and smart and wonderful and pretty and I’m not! It’s not just the shame that’s stopping me! It’s everything about myself! I’m a horrible disgusting liar who takes up too much space” He crumbled even more “I don’t deserve this. Any of this. I don’t deserve you!”

“Oh dear” He sighed deeply “That is never how relationships work I promise. No one ‘deserves’ the other. I didn’t deserve you or Patty or anyone else I’ve been with. I just choose them. And they choose me back....To clarify I have choosen you....If that wasn’t apparent”

Janus’ hands shook "I just- I am so afraid of doing anything wrong. Of ruining all of this"

Logan took his hand, holding it so so gently "Oh Janus, you don't have to do everything perfect. I didn't fall in love with a perfect you and I won't fall out of love with an unperfect you"

One last tear rolled down his cheeks. His eyes were red and his throat hurt. But he intertwined his fingers with Logan’s.

“You promise?”

“I promise to the best of my abilities”

Janus let out a breathe of relief. Like all of the anxities he had been carrying around for the past 6 months had finally left him. Or at least the weight had become easier to carry.

“I’m really sorry for needing all of this reassurance”

“There’s really no need for apologies. If you must say anything I prefer thank yous”

He looked up and met Logan’s eyes. He let out a half hearted chuckle “Then thank you”

Logan sent him a warm smile back “No problem. I would happily hear you out on your ventilation of feelings at any time. As I am sure you would do for me as well”

“I would. I really would. And I would hate to kiss you as well! absolutely despise it! Totally! But I am unsure if I am ready right now. Just confessing and holding hands is totally not overwhelming”

“That’s okay. We can wait. I have all the time in the world as long as that time can be spent with you”

“I am begging you to stop being so corny and heartfelt at the same time all the damn time” Janus said. He ran his thumb gently across his love’s skin “....But....I am quite sure...I would hate to go on that date to the zoo you asked me about”

Logan’s smile grew into the Logan equivalent of an excited grin “Are you sure?”

“As sure as a male psychologist in 1944 diganosing a woman with hysteria”

He used his free hand to happy stim “Great! We can look at snakes while holding hands!”

Janus stimmed back “Yeah!!”

“And....And I could mayhaps...If you would accept it....Call you my....boyfriend while looking at snakes and holding hands?” Logan asked with slight blush on his cheeks.

His crush in response shone up like a christmas tree from blushing “.....yes....”

They both stared at each other for a moment before breaking out into even more overly excited stimming. Janus leaned against Logan’s chest while Lo’s arms moved around his waist to hold him close.

“.....My...My boyfriend Logan....My boyfriend....who is named Logan......” He mumbled to test out how it felt to say it. Happiness bubbled up like a volcano in his chest “My boyfriend Logan!”

“My boyfriend Janus!” Logan replied just as enthusiastically.

(Later after work had ended the boyfriends walked home to Janus’ apartement together. They held hands during the entire walk. At the end of it Logan leaned in and gave his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek, right besides his lips)

[91percentpynch]

if the world was ending - kevaaron au pt 6

we‘re slowly getting our happy ending i think? anyways shout out to the guys who sticked around ever since part one and encouraged me to publish the parts!! hope you enjoy this one as well! stay hydrated, eat something, feel hugged (or take a finger heart if you don‘t like physical contact) and know that i love you!! also this one‘s out of aaron‘s pov!!

the song of this part is if the world was ending by julia michaels and jp saxe

check this out for part 1-5

Aaron only planned to get to his dealer that night, just wanted the voices to stop, just wanted the feeling of numbness again

What he didn‘t want was landing in the hospital, but when did anything ever work out the way he wanted?

So when he was on the way to his dealer, tears clouding his vision, he didn‘t see the stop sign. He didn‘t notice the truck. And that was how a truck landed in the passenger side of his car, Aaron losing consciousness and somehow waking up in the ER of Chicago Hospital

„We called your emergency contact, they said they would come as soon as possible honey“, a nurse told him.

What they apparently did not know was that his emergency contact was Nicky, who left him for Germany.

Aaron wasn‘t mad. He got it. Nicky gave up so much for him and Andrew, never getting the love he deserved, he did his best.

Plus Nicky would probably call Andrew his way so he wasn‘t alone until he got the first possible flight to sit by his side for a few days before returning to his picture book perfect family.

Aaron wasn‘t mad. He really wasn‘t. He just missed his cousin. The only constant in his life, the only good part in his family.

Having a twin brother is pretty nice as well - in theory as well. Until said twin brother refuses to talk to you. Until said twin brother chooses his stupid boyfriend over you. Until you realize said twin brother doesn‘t care about you.

But Aaron couldn‘t blame him. He wasn‘t interesting enough for anyone to care about.

Aaron slipped in and out of consciousness

„I can‘t get morphime, I‘m an addict“, he said in one of his moments of consciousness. Not that he would particulary mind getting morphime, he wanted to get high after all, but Kevin‘s stupid little voice wouldn‘t let him go. „Why do you only call me when you‘re high Aaron?“, Kevin‘s face when he came to see him earlier, the day they decided to go to rehab together as friends and it ended up as them falling in love

„That‘s alright honey, we got you“, the nurse replied.

The next time Aaron woke up after that was in a white room, alone in an uncomfortable bed. Alone with his thoughts because Nicky wouldn‘t be here for at least another day. His brother was somewhere with Josten. The only person he really wanted to see refused to talk to him. Which is understandable to be fair.

Taylor, fuck he needed to tell her where he was.

Aaron was just about to look for his phone when someone kicked his door open, hurriedly crossing the room to be close to him.

Slowly Aaron raised his eyes, looking who it was. Kevin fucking Day was in his fucking room.

„You fucking idiot, what have you done?“, Kevin was close to tears, for whatever reason. Obviously not for Aaron, right?

„I don‘t need your fucking pity“, Aaron replied, shutting himself down, it was safer that way.

„Did you tell them you can‘t have morphine? Because you might relapse, i mean you already did but we don‘t want it to get worse. And this is not pity, this is Nicky yelling at me in Spanish cause you‘re in the hospital and he‘s in Germany and I‘m the closest to you and he does not want his son to be alone“, Day ever so unimpressed by Aaron‘s walls replied.

Nicky worrying about Aaron that much made the blonde feel warm inside, important, loved.

Nonetheless Aaron couldn‘t stop thinking about the person that didn‘t care to show up.

„Andrew didn‘t care to come, did he?“, Aaron‘s voice was barely audible as he hid his face in his pillow, in case those traitous tears made their way down his cheeks.

„Andrw does care about you, he‘s just shit at showing it, that fucking asshole“, Kevin replied in a soft voice, Irish accent slightly audible, the voice he used when he‘s about to be emotional or scared or mad or overall feeling strongly. „C‘mon what have you done Minyard?“

Was that worry in his voice? Could it be that he actually cared? No, no that couldn‘t be. Not when refused to talk to him.

„Car accident, not that its any of your fucking business“, Aaron replied, trying his hardest to sound as if he didn‘t care that Kevin was there with him, trying to push Kevin away, to protect his heart from another rejection.

„How are you?“, Kevin said, his Irish accent becoming a little stronger, voice thick with worry. Worry? Why would he worry about Aaron?

„Fucking great, I should let a truck drive into me more often. Very freeing. Very calming“, Aaron answered sarcastically, looking anywhere but Kevin‘s smaragd green eyes, maybe even the green of the lake they used to go in rehab, in the fluroscent light of the hospital.

„A truck. Drove into you?“, the Irish accent was now so strong Aaron could barely make out the words.

Aaron couldn‘t take it anymore, he turned around. Maybe Kevin would take the hint that he wasn‘t able to be close to him, not without being hurt, not without feeling empty. „Not that you would care“, he said, voice barely more than a breath against the pillow.

„Aaron first of all I can see you naked ass and not that I wouldn‘t mind the view and I‘ve seen it often enough but the nurses don‘t have to see that too. And secondly of course I care. I always did. Always will“

Something about Kevin mentioning Aaron‘s naked ass made the blonde boy blush as he turned back towards Kevin. Aaron didn‘t even notice that those strangers undressed him. That made him feel slightly uncomfortable.

„Why wouldn‘t you listen to me if you care so much? You‘re exactly like like Andrew, you guys only ever care when I‘m about to die or do something that doesn‘t sit right with you. Never about me as a person. The conecept about me maybe, but me? Me as a person? No one cares about that“, Aaron replied to the earlier statement, because he wanted to hurt Kevin, wanted the other boy to leave him just like the rest, just like he deserved. Aaron didn‘t need empty promises and lies - God know he had enough of those in his miserable life. Aaron didn‘t need pity or words of comfort or kindness. Aaron didn‘t need Kevin Day. Unless he did.

„You are Aaron Minyard. Born on the 4th of November, 8:31:45 am. You grew up in California in the house next to Nicky. Nicky and you were always close and you didn‘t have many friends because of your mom. Your mom might have abused her and I might hate her for that but you still love her and I get that because on some fucked up level I still care about Riko. You are allergic to cats, peanuts and house dust. You have a freckle right on your right hip, under your navel, from under your left eye over to the nose to the corner of your right eye. You like it when you are hold when you can‘t sleep but you hate showing affection in public. You were 13 when you started exy, because it gave you an escape, but you had to stop because the bruises from your mother‘s beating got to obvious. So you started getting into medicine. You borrowed every single book on medicine you could find and read it at night, always hidden from your mom. You had to have straight As or the beatings would be worse. Your mom did go out to have ice cream with you when it was especially bad. That‘s why you hate ice cream so much, especially vanillia because it was her favourite. Your secret hobby is skating. You feel free when you do it. You want to live at the coast, but not close to Cali, never back to Cali. You want Andrew to notice you and you hate how easily he let Neil in because obviously deserve it more and I get that. You tried drugs to escape, to see what was the appeal. Your uncle never helped you but he brainwashed you into believing he did. You grew up very religous and in an extraordinary homophobic household, you watched your cousin and only friend getting shipped away because he was different, not right, so you confinced yourself you were different. Heterosexual. When in reality you knew since you were 15 that you preferred guys. You liked girls as well. At least you thought but it‘s so much more complicated. Actually it isn‘t. You‘re asexual, you do however like the feeling of sex. You think the process is disgusting, but you still like the feeling. It has to be the right person though. It doesn‘t matter wether it‘s a boy or a girl or something else entierly, all that matters are the feelings the person makes you feel. It took you years to accept that you are not wrong, that you wouldn‘t have to go away like Nicky. You apologized to Nicky. You thought you had to be against their relationships, because that‘s what they made you believe. Old habits die hard. But you got over it and I am very proud of you. You sleep with a teddybear or with another person that cuddles you because the thought of being alone scares the living crap out of you. Your favourite flowers are sunflowers because yellow is a happy color. You hate sweets, you prefer salty snacks. You prefer coffee black, like your sould. You use sarcasm and humor as your coping mechanism. You stole my history books because you love history as well. You also love art but you don‘t think you are good enought to become an artist. You would love to work at Jean‘s studio but you are afraid to ask. You and Jean used to be friends but you cut him off and isolated yourself because your anxities and insecurities took over you again. Sometimes you have depressive episodes, in these you crave drugs more than normally. You want to stop it, you really do but somehow your brain tries to tell you you need it. You would love to have five dogs. An Irish Red Setter, an Irish Wolfhound, a poodle a big one though, a labrador and a golden retriever. You also want to adopt at least two kids. You don‘t want any child to go through what you had to go through or Andrew. So don‘t you dare tell me I never cared for you. Because I do. I listen when you tell me things. I remember every single time you came to me, black out drunk, crying and telling me you‘re worthless. Because every single time I wanted to tell you you aren‘t. You are a wonderful human being and I don‘t understand why I wasn‘t enough for you to stay but I will not let you tell me I never cared about you. Because that‘s some fucking bullshit“

Whatever Aaron expected to happen it certainly wasn‘t that. No one ever payed attention to him. No one ever listened to what he had to say. No one ever showed him that they cared about him. No one ever payed enough attention to him to see that he was worth their attention.

„You really did listen“, Aaron said, quietly, not able to put his feelings into words.

Aaron Minyared was never good with words. Causing pain with them? Yes. Sarcastic comments? Sure. But declearations of love? Or a simple thank you? Or really anything that would fit this situation? No, Aaron couldn‘t do that.

„Why wasn‘t I enough for you?“, the voice with tears, words hidden behind the strong Irish accent, was what made Aaron look up. Looking up into eyes the color of the lake they used to go to in their summer spend in the rehab clinic, tears falling down his beautiful cheeks, uncontrollable and messy.

„You? Not enough?“, Aaron whispered, eyes locked with the taller boy, „I was not enough. I was never enough. Not for my mother. Not for Katelyn. And certainly not for the Queen of Exy. I was never a good enough player, I was never a good enough student, I was never a good enough person. You deserve the best. Someone that loves Exy the way you do, someone as passionate and beautiful and strong as you. Not a burden. Not a no one like me. You deserve the sun, things that are bright and warm and beautiful. Not some broken, poor trailer trash. Not some drug addicted wannabe doctor. Some who can give you the love you need. Not someone struggeling to accept themselves. Not someon who can‘t even look at themselves accepting that they fell heads over heels in love with a man, struggeling to accept that, thinking someone will come and beat the shit out of them because it‘s the only thing you know. I don‘t understand the yearning, I don‘t understand the wanting, I don‘t understand the pain your absence causes me. Because I was never loved. Not properly. I mean sure I know Nicky loves me, but that‘s different. You deserves someone who‘s not too fucked up to be able to show love, not someone so fucked up they don‘t even understand the concept of love. You deserve somoene who can give you things. I can‘t offer you anything. Nothing. Nothing but a heart screaming your name. Nothing but a mind you reign. And I am so fucking sorry I ever left you without saying goodbye. I am so fucking sorry for being a coward. It was never because I stopped loving you. In the contrast. It was because there was not a single day where I thought I was good enough for you. There was not a single day the little voice in my head would shut up about how you are way to fucking good for me. You deserve so much more than I can offer you. So much more“, Aaron‘s voice broke at the last more.

„This was never your choice to make. I am a grown up fucked up man, I can decide who I can and will love very good on my own and I know you never wanted to hear it. But I chose you. I‘ve been falling in love with you ever since I met you. Started with a cute little crush. Ended up here“, Kevin said coming closer and closer to Aaron. „You talk about being so fucked up, well guess what? So am I. I am sick and tired of being seen as the Queen of Exy, of being reduced to Exy and my past alcohol problem. It‘s like I am nothing but the stick in my hand. I am nothing but the sport my mother invented. I am not even a human being anymore. At least that was what I was told. Until I met you. You and your stupid sarcatic remarks. The thougt of you seeing me was enough for me to keep trying to impress you somehow, make you see something worth keeping. But it was never enough. It would never be enough for someone to stay“

„Kevin Day. Born on the 22nd February 1986. Excuse me I don‘t know the exact time but about 7:15 pm. Your favourite color is red, not the Ravens red, the deep dark red of the Trojans because you associate it with Jeremy Knox and he was some kind of fucking sun in the nest. You had something with Jean in the nest. Riko that absolute fucking asshole somehow found out and tried to force you to do terrible things to Jean. But you couldn‘t do it. Not because you are weak like you like to think, no because you are kind and have heart of gold. I can‘t believe I just said that I want to vomit. Eww. Anyways you have massive self-esteem issues because you either think you‘re a walking failure or you have a god complex and there is no fucking in between and I love that about you. You have a constellation of freckles on your back and a little tattoo on your left hip. It‘s a little sun and a little moon on the right. Because you love the sun because it‘s bright and warm and you like that. The moon is far away, it‘s cold and lonely. The sun is your mother. You are the moon. Over your heart you have your mother‘s signature tatooted. Because she watches over you and unlike mine you actually can associate nice things with her. You want to move to Ireland once you retire. Because you want to be closer to your mom. You have your whole ass wedding planned already, because you love planning events like that. It‘s like your fucking secret superpower. You think cows are adorable and you want to pet one so badly. You are scared of chickens and swans and ducks. You are lactose intolerant and you have sport indicated asthma. You don‘t like when other people touch your arms and your back. You like forhead kisses. You like holding hands. You like showing affection, but not in public because you‘re scared what people think of you. You pretend to be arrogant and an asshole but it‘s all just walls around yourself to protect you. Secretly you just want someone to see right through it. Unlike me you do actually paint and you love photography. I know you rented a secret little atelier. Your favourite historical period is the 20th centuriy and you are oddly obsessed with eastern european and Irish history. You love horses. You love cows. You want to do horse riding once. You try so very hard to be more than just Exy. Hyperfixations are your coping mechanism. And spontaniously buying like 10 books. You love reading. You love tea. Your favourite genere is in fact not historical fiction but fantasy fiction based on history. You love rambling about random historical facts and I loved listening to it. You love soft kisses more than the hungry ones. You hate that people want you for your body, not your personality. You hate being sexualized. You hate being an object. You hate your title. But at the same time you love it. You just want to make your mother proud. And your dad. Right now you‘re wearing your mother‘s ring around your neck. Wymack found it somewhere and gave it to you. You haven‘t put it down ever since. You want to paint your nails because you think it looks pretty but you worry too much what people would think about you. You listen to classical music. You play the violin and the piano. You learned it at Palmetto somehow. You learned it because your mother used to play the fiddle, said it made her think of Ireland somehow, and when you were sad she played you some Irish lullabies on it. You love the Irish culture. You love Ireland. And your biggest dream is to get married on one of Ireland‘s cliffs. Because the ocean calms you down. Helps your anxiety. In summer your face is covered in freckles and not only your face. Oddly. You actually love swimming. Or sitting at the water. Looking at it. You collect books. You collect stones. You collect whatever you think is beautiful. You also like collecting shells. You hate to label yourself but you always preferred boys. There are days where you feel more feminie, days where you feel more masculine and days where you feel like neither. Today is a masculine day I see. Jeremy made you braclets when you

told him you were like him. You feel terrible about leaving Jean back but you also know that it was necessary. You are strong and beautiful and I know you canno see that and I know you don‘t want to hear that. You are more than your body. You are so much more. And the only reason I was stupid enough to leave you was because I thought I was not good enough. And an unhealthy amount of internalized homophobia. I just hear my mother‘s voice inside my head when I hold your hand or kiss you and I hate that. The moment I had to sleep without you the voices grew louder and it didn‘t even take a week before I had to find a dealer. I called you when I was high because the voides were silent. I called you when I was high because admitting that I missed you and that I need you was easier than. The two to four hours I slept were filled with you. In my dreams you were with me. You kissed me. You held me in these ridicously strong hands. You were with me and the world was okay. And when I woke up and you weren‘t here I just didn‘t want to get up. My grades got worse because I wasn‘t able to concentrate without you. Yes I am able to funciton without you, it was just nice to have something good in my life once. And yes I will be able to keep it up without you. A B or C here and there won‘t hurt too much. I will probably be able to become the neurologist I want to be. I will get through life. It will just not be the same. It will just be grey and black and white. With you I had colors“

„That was hard for you to say right?“, Kevin asked, tears still silently running down his cheeks.

Aaron nooded, watching as Kevin‘s face came closer and closer until he could feel his breath against his cheeks.

He was about to ask someone as a loud knock was on the door and the door was opened rather aggressivly, making Kevin get away quickly.

[the-worst-fe-player]

Sort of hiatus I'm not sure how to describe it

I'm just gonna be rebloging for a long while and probably wont talk in the tags (I'll still tag triggers and characters dw), commits or dms sorry to those who dm me recently I get round to you and thank you so much I'm just honstly I'm so sorry I understand if your angry I really do I'm sorry you can be mean I understand I'm sorry I understand that's not good enough. My reason in the cut but genral trigger warning for drinking, depression, anxity, suicidalthoughts, self harm, eating disorder, very minor mention of sex, and covid 19

I can't deal with this anymore I just struggling in general I wanna run away from the world but I understand I can't but everything is to much I can't deal with it though every day I'm drinking crying and finding out some way to hurt myself I haven't stared cutting agin but I hurt myself in other ways like through sex stuff, hitting myself and purpholsy reading stuff that will trigger me like abuse fics and stuff about sexual assault and I don't know why I do this sometimes I feel like different people and its fucking scary and idk how to deal with this and its scary and with the fear of my dad having covid it's even worse I cant handle it I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared idk what to do I have to be the strong one in the family but I'm not strong I'm a pathetic cry baby that cant go a day without drinking or cry I don't have an alcohol problem but I'm very dependent on it. I'm always beening watch by something idk what It is but i can feel it so in always on edge I'm never happy but fandom is one of the few things that make me happy but even then I'm scared to take part as j have to talk to people and I'm scared honstly thank you for following there are many people on this website I genraly love and care for even if we don't talk to much but like I'm really scared of you all I'm scared of disappointing you I'm scared of upsetting you I'm scared to voice my own oppion and I don't mean that in the right wing way because my political oppions I will speak on I'm very left wing and I don't want nazi cunts on here I mean harmless fandom shit. I'm scared but like even if it's a craply meme I base my hole self worth on how many notes it gets honsly witch is fucking stupid for somone who is scared of large amounts of people but I am fucking stupid. I'm just scared of everything and I can't take it so that's why I'll be quite for a while idk how long this will ge could be a week could be months idk. just eden was right I'm worthless the only thing I'm good for is severing others but even that I can't do right because master left probly because of my shitty gag reflex he had a massive dick that I wouldnt have been able to handle Im worthless and I wanna be alone but I'm scared to be alone but being alone is safest so I don't hurt anyone I haven't speakne to my irl friends for weeks because of this I just wanna die but I'm to much of a coward now a days to do it iv also put on weight tha only body type I look good as is a really skinny one apartly I don't have to face to be chubby but I am chubby so I'm ugly and not good enough so Iv stared throwing up after meals again after I took that selfie and noticed how fat my cheeks are but alcohol has so much calories and shit in it but I can't stop drinking it so I'm gonna be fat ugly and alone forever because in the end I'm never good enough everyone leaves me. But yeah I'm sorry for this I just got to vent but long story shot cant handled everything rn so apart from YouTube no original content for a while though my icon blog will still promblem have stuff as it's a stress relief thing

[emoali]

Friday🔴

This morning Brian had woken up at the same time I did 5:30... I just sat in the bed full of anxiety my thoughts rushing all over the place... Did I make a mistake? Why dont i feel happy? Thinking about seeing his parents down stairs made me sick... Brian asked what was going on... talk to him he said... I told him that i still dont know what to do...A part of me still wants to leave... He said I'll never make u happy.... Today is your Friday you can pack up this weekend if thats what you want... I vomited from the anxiety... We look at eatch other and he says he doesnt want me to go to work like this and brings me in for a cuddle... We kiss... And he says were going to get through this....

I feel better yet still very confused....

At work My hands wont stop sweating

My anxiety is horrible

I messaged brian and it felt good we were enjoying our company...talking about getting pizza and watching a show...

Just cuddling and loving

Yet.... I still dont feel like its the right choice... I still cant stop thinking about leaving... Why?? how?!?!

I'm being torn in two and idk what to do

My hands go numb

Yesterday Brian and I talked about kids...he said he cant think about having kids now but he doesnt want that door shut...

I told him idk if we will but i know if I did id be a great mom...

There's a part of me that does want to a kid to spoil on holidays and stuff...but I think the realty outways the fantasy...

Having a kid is so much money and is so hard to take care of... Idk if I want that stress....

Maybe hes right we cant picture it because of our envoirnment but im okay with not having kids...i asked him of we dont ever have kids will he be okay with that and he said yes...but its clear he still hold on to that dream...

I just feel like that train has passed for me if i were to have had kids it would have happened by now... And I'm happier imagining a life without that stress.. Probably because i just want a stress free life more than anything because iv been living in such a stressful environment...

I just want peace just for a moment at least... I want stability... I wnt things to stay the same because to much has changed for me and I dont feel like i can handle any more change...

I just feel life has been to hard and I want an easy life... Is that okay ?

I remeber my hands used to go numb right after i broke up with Duane and justin

I didn't know what it was back then but I think its a sub conscious panic attack

I just keep thinking I cant believe im thinking this.... Like I cant wrap my head around the fact that i want to be single...

After yesterday i should feel like things are falling into place... I put a fire under Brian's ass... His parents arnt going to bug us anymore....yet I still feel confused

All i want to do is go to sleep...

I do want to cuddle him and be with him...

Im so split it makes me sick....

I feel that I WANT to stay but NEED to leave... But do i really?

I think the reason it didnt feel right was A it was happening all so fast...B I didnt want him to hate himself and I didnt want him to blame his parents... I think he will a little bit but not as bad as if i had left yesterday... Id almost rather him be mad at me and no i dont want that but I think in the end im just going to have to hurt him there no way around it...

My hands are sweaty and going numb again... If this continues I know I have to listen to my body...

I just want to be sure this is a HUGE decision...

All day at work i cant help but think i missed my opportunity... But somethings still holding me back... It hurts ... I have so much anxity my hands wont stop tingling same with my nose... And hes so excited for tonight to have pizza and watch tv with me...

As we are watching the show my heart rate is pulsing... My axiety is racing... I should be happy and comfy...

[therealmaggiemedia]

The Maggie Simpson Show E1801 Maggie’s Problem  Again

as premised here i THE MAGGIE SIMPSON SHOW E1801 Maggie’s Problem Again When Maggie’s old problem flares up again she goes into a state of anxity and anger INT, THE SIMPSONS KITCHEN-DAY the simpsons are sitting at the table having breakfast Maggie is not feeling her old self but nobody understands. MAGGIE I’m not feeling so good today my anxiety is as high as the sky and I can’t concentrate on anything. LISA Maggie just calm yourself at school today I want you to be brave be the girl I never could be! MAGGIE Lisa your right I can do this! HOMER and if you lose it in front of your friends no big deal just laugh your ass off! They all look at Homer with an angry look. EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND-DAY Maggie is talking to her friends her cousin Maria about how she is feeling and Maggie isn’t feeling her old self. MAGGIE Guys I don’t feel my old self today I have no idea why that is! LILLY I get that feeling everyday of my life but nobody gives a fig about it! JUDITH I don’t understand any of this all I can say is anyone want to buy any jelly! Then Gerald walks up to me making Maggie more measurable as usual. GERALD Hey Simpson I heard your not feeling your old yourself today say lets play a game its called punch Maggie! MAGGIE Gerald just go away! GERALD How you play well you just stand there and I punch you! Maggie  grabs Gerald MAGGIE This is how I feel! She grabs him and beats him up. INT, PRINCIPAL SKINNER’S OFFICE Maggie is stood facing him at his desk. MAGGIE You see sir the reason I did that to Gerald was because I’m not feeling my old self and he just hacks me off! SKINNER You want to know where Gerald is now well I’m going to tell you he is in hospital what do you think of that! MAGGIE First of all yes and finally yes yes yes! SKINNER So your pleased about this how about this for a laugh! He clicks his fingers and two men in white coats enter the room and put Maggie in a straight jacket. MAGGIE This is not my idea of traveling! They take her away. INT,COTTONWOOD MENTAL HOSPITAL Maggie is sitting on a chair facing a man in a white coat no longer wearing a straight jacket she is now wearing a hospital gown, DOCTOR The last time we talked was many years ago! MAGGIE Was it I can’t remember! DOCTOR Yes I seem to remember you were getting on quite well! MAGGIE (SARCASTIC) Well I’m sorry to tell you I balled that one up! DOCTOR Let us see if we can get you back to your old self you’ll be staying here at cottonwood anything you need don’t be afraid to ask! The Doctor takes Maggie to her room DOCTOR here you are and here is a throb to open it! Maggie takes it and she goes in the room she gets on the bed and starts to cry. MAGGIE I miss my family so much (sobs) FADE TO LATER IN MAGGIE’S HOSPITAL ROOM Maggie is laid on her bed when a nurse comes in, NURSE Hi Maggie  would you like to join the others in the TV room! MAGGIE Others there are others! Maggie starts hyperventilating NURSE Come on sweetheart it’ll be ok! Maggie follows the nurse to the TV room. IN THE TV ROOM Maggie is sitting next to a bigger girl NURSE Here you are sit next to Marlene! They look at each other MARLENE You! MAGGIE You too! They both scream at each other. MAGGIE How did you end up here? MARLENE I kicked my dad’s ass and the wise ass deserved it! MAGGIE I beat up another kid at my school! MARLENE They put you in here for that? MAGGIE Yeah they did! MARLENE Here’s some advice  bide your time that’s all! MAGGIE Thanks Marlene! MARLENE Never thank me! MAGGIE Sorry! MARLENE Don’t be sorry just don’t do it! IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is having her lunch and she likes it. MAGGIE The food here is nice I just wish I could see my family! Then the nurse comes in to take Maggie’s plate away. NURSE did you enjoy that sweetheart? MAGGIE Yes it was very nice thank you! The nurse smiles at Maggie and exits the room. MAGGIE Lets hope I don’t have to take a shower I’m not doing that no way jose! FADE TO LATER IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is sitting on her bed minding her own business when the nurse enters the room, holding a white towel and a bottle of shower gel. NURSE Guess what time it is? MAGGIE Um time to feed the great big soap monster! NURSE No silly shower time! MAGGIE Its a nice offer but I really don’t need one! CLOSE UP  ON MAGGIE We see dirt and flies buzzing round Maggie. ZOOM OUT OF MAGGIE NURSE Come along sweetheart! Maggie follows the nurse. MAGGIE I am not going to like this! IN THE BATHROOM Maggie has had her shower she is wearing a white towel around her Maggie is shivering because the water was cold. NURSE Now that wasn’t so bad was it sweetheart! MAGGIE It was cold even my butt is freezing! NURSE I’ll go find you some nice PJ’s! The nurse leaves the room leaving Maggie alone in the bathroom and leaving a 6 year old in a bathroom with things to play with is not a good idea! MAGGIE Now its fun time! Maggie turns on the taps and blocks up the plughole with toilet paper she turns on thew shower and does the same then she leaves the room acting natural still wearing a white towel around her then the nurse comes back holding some PJ’s under her arm she sees the water everywhere and is shocked. NURSE (SHOCKED) What the hell happened in here when I clean this up I’ll find who did this! IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is sitting on her bed wearing a gown again then the nurse comes in with some PJ’s for her. NURSE Sweetheart sorry to disturb you but you forgot these! She hands her the PJ’s NURSE Put them on please! MAGGIE I will as soon as you leave! NURSE there is no modesty here! MAGGIE Okay but I’m not happy about this! CUT TO A SHOT OUTSIDE OF MAGGIE’S ROOM PAN BACK INSIDE MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is now wearing some red PJ’s. NURSE That wasn’t so bad now was it! MAGGIE (ANGRY) yes it was it damn was (screams) she goes up to the nurse and pushes her to the floor. IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE Maggie is sitting on the chair at his desk facing him. MAGGIE I know I pushed the nurse but that was because she was being a pain in the butt! DOCTOR Maggie perhaps we need to put you on some medication to stop you getting angry! MAGGIE I’m on medication already for something or other but I don’t think its working! DOCTOR and that’s why we’re putting you on this! He gives Maggie a small dose of the drug MAGGIE Can I go to bed now? THE NEXT MORNING Maggie is awake and is sitting on her bed then the nurse enters the room. NURSE Good Morning sweetheart would you like some breakfast? MAGGIE Yes please but first I have something to say! Maggie gets off her bed walks over to nurse and says what she has to say. MAGGIE I know I pushed you on the floor and for that I am really sorry! NURSE Don’t worry about it sweetheart now lets go to the kitchen and get you some breakfast! MAGGIE I don’t have any shoes on! NURSE it doesn’t matter sweetheart! She takes Maggie by the hand and walks her to the kitchen to have breakfast with the others. IN THE KITCHEN Maggie has been seated next to Marlene at the table. MARLENE Oh why do I have to sit next to a 6 year old! NURSE Now Marlene Maggie needs our help and I’m sure you can give her a hand! She puts Maggie’s breakfast in front of her and Maggie eats it, MAGGIE Mmm this is good toast! INT, THE SIMPSONS KITCHEN-DAY Marge has just finished with principal skinner on the phone and its not good news. MARGE everyone Maggie didn’t come home yesterday because she has been committed to the Cottonwood Mental Hospital! BART Man good luck to her in that place she’s going to need it! LISA She did say she wasn’t feeling herself and this proves it and nobody accept me tried to help her! HOMER I did the best I could I really did! They all look at him in anger HOMER that;s it I’m going to moes! MARGE Its 8:30 in the morning! HOMER (ANNOYED GRUNT) INT, COTTONWOOD MENTAL HOSPITAL-DAY Maggie has had her breakfast and is back in her room she is now wearing her normal clothes and her shoes too then the Doctor comes in DOCTOR How are you feeling today Maggie! MAGGIE I’m ok I’m just sorry about all the trouble I’m causing people! DOCTOR Maggie its fine just sit on your bed and relax and don’t worry about anything! MAGGIE Easier said then done! then Maggie has an anxiety attack and then she hits her head on the wall. DOCTOR Maggie calm down take some deep breathes! Maggie sits on her bed to calm herself. DOCTOR I’ll be back soon but I want you to keep calm! He leaves the room. MAGGIE Keep calm how the hell am I suppose to do that! Then Maggie gets the awful feeling again she tries her best but it gets worse she starts hyperventilating so much that she passes out on the floor then the Doctor enters the room and finds her passed out. DOCTOR oh my god nurse! FADE TO BLACK FADE IN TO MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is now awake the Doctor is looking over her. DOCTOR Are you alright now Maggie! MAGGIE Yes I’m fine, fine , fine , fine! DOCTOR you’ll be fine now! Then the Doctor leaves Maggie to recover. IN THE TV ROOM Marlene is watching TV when Maggie enters the room. MARLENE I heard about your attack I can give you support if you like! MAGGIE Okay! Marlene walks towards Maggie MARLENE First of all brush your hair here let me help you! Marlene brushes Maggie’s Hair with her brush MARLENE There I want you to do that every morning if you don’t have a brush you can have that one I have three of them! Maggie takes it and puts it in her pocket. MAGGIE Thank you Marlene! MARLENE Also never thank me I hate politeness! BACK IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is making her bed when the nurse comes in. NURSE Maggie  how are you feeling? MAGGIE Oh I’m alright  I was wondering if I could have a phone to call my family! NURSE Can’t allow that sweetheart but I can call them for you! MAGGIE okay the number is 555-678-435 the nurse leaves MAGGIE I hope my family understand! FADE TO LATER IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie’s family have now come to see her but Maggie is not pleased to see Homer HOMER Hi Maggie! MAGGIE (ANGRY) Don’t you hi Maggie me I said I wasn’t feeling myself and you didn’t damn believe me damn it  don’t you talk to me again so selfish fat bastard! HOMER But Maggie! MAGGIE get the hell out I never want to see you again rest of you can stay! Homer leaves BART So how are things Mags! MAGGIE Well its ok I guess but this nurse keeps bothering me! LISA I believe that’s what they do here! MAGGIE oh I get you! MARGE Do you want to talk to your father? MAGGIE Sorry Mom but I can’t deal with him he didn’t believe me when I said I wasn’t feeling myself his answer was laugh your ass off what good would that do? MARGE I  see what you mean! MAGGIE But there is something I want you to tell him tell him he is a- CUT TO A SHOT OF MAGGIE’S DOOR THEN CUT BACK TO INSIDE THE ROOM everyone are just shocked at what Maggie said. BART Ay Cramba! IN THE OFFICE Maggie is talking to a social worker who understands kids like her. SOCIAL WORKER So it is to my understanding you attacked your classmate and you no longer want to see your Dad again am I right Maggie! MAGGIE I  wouldn’t call him a classmate but yeah I did as for my Dad no I don’t want to see him again ever! SOCIAL WORKER I understand but is there a reason why you attacked this boy at school? MAGGIE Truth is this boy has hated me for years even when I was a baby we have hated each other due to me getting the last diaper thankfully I no longer have to wear them but I just gave the guy what he deserved and all my anger just came out all at once! SOCIAL WORKER its completely normal we need to work on your anger issues! MAGGIE I agree with that I really do! SOCIAL WORKER since you don’t want to see your Dad again we’ll see if we can sort you somewhere else to live providing you still want this! MAGGIE I  still love the guy its just I’m so damn angry with him! Maggie kicks the trash can in the office! MAGGIE I am so sorry! SOCIAL WORKER Not a problem I’ll be in touch soon! LATER THAT NIGHT IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is in bed when suddenly she needs the bathroom she wakes up in a panic. MAGGIE Got to pee got to pee! She gets out of bed she is wearing red pajamas  she exits the room but she forgets her keycard and locks herself out. CUT TO OUTSIDE OF MAGGIE’S ROOM MAGGIE oh crap! She runs all the way down the corridor and into the female bathroom or so she thought she exits the room and makes her wasy back to her room but on her wy she remembered she locked herself out, MAGGIE Oh Damn it I’ll have to find the office! When she was walking down the corridor she sees the nurse. MAGGIE Ah the nurse, Hi can you help me I’m locked out of my room can you let me in please! NURSE Of course sweetheart! The nurse takes Maggie back to her room opens the door with the keycard and lets her back in. MAGGIE Thank you goodnight! Maggie gets back in bed and goes back to sleep MAGGIE Ah much better! THE NEXT MORNING IN THE JANITOR’S CLOSET The janitor opens the door and sees water on the floor. JANITOR Oh dear someone peed on the floor I’ll get a mop! BACK IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is still asleep when there is a knock on the door. MARLENE FROM OUTSIDE MARLENE Maggie someone peed in the janitors closet last night if thst was you well done girl! Maggie gets out of bed and opens the door MAGGIE Morning Marlene yes it was me that did that I was wondering the corridor in the dark looking for the bathroom but lets keep this to ourselves! MARLENE Yeah I understand could be embarrassing! MAGGIE no just get in here and I’ll tell you all! Marlene enters the room MAGGIE now I can tell you I woke up needing to pee badly so I went out of my room and got locked out I forgot my keycard then I went into a room that I thought was the bathroom I sat on something that I thought was the toilet think it was a bucket! MARLENE How did you nevermind I don’t want to know how! MAGGIE the point is we can’t tell anyone else or I’ll get my ass canned! MARLENE Not to worry Maggie I won’t say a word now go and take a shower! FADE TO LATER IN THE TV ROOM Maggie has had her shower and is now dressed and is sitting next to Marlene who have become good friends all of a sudden. MAGGIE Thanks for not telling it was me Marlene! MARLENE No problem we are friends now and that’s all you need to know I will help you with things you can’t do okay Maggie! MAGGIE Thanks Marlene! Then the doctor comes to see Maggie DOCTOR Maggie sorry to interrupt your cartoons but we would like to take some blood if that’s alright! MAGGIE Oh Dracula wants my blood okay I vont to zuck your blood! both Marlene and Maggie laugh however the doctor doesn’t find it funny at all. IN THE MEDICAL ROOM Maggie is sitting in a chair having her blood taken. MAGGIE I’m not going to like this! NURSE Okay sweetheart think of something nice this will hurt! MAGGIE Don’t like this, don’t like this, don’t like this! The nurse sticks her with the needle and Maggie screams. BACK ON MAGGIE’S ROOM Maggie is sitting on her bed with a bandage on her arm Maggie is complaining  about the nurse to herself. MAGGIE Stupid nurse taking my blood! Then there is a knock at the door MARLENE Maggie its Marlene can I come in? Maggie walks over to the door opens it to let Marlene in Marlene enters the room. MAGGIE I got frigging sticked Marlene frigging sticked! MARLENE We did have a laugh about it didn’t we! MAGGIE The joke I can do Marlene I just hate needles! Maggie gets on her bed and cries Marlene walks towards her. MARLENE Maggie its okay I know what its like to be alone its pretty scary but you sort of get use to it! MAGGIE Not me I can’t cope on my own only six years old damn it, there is only one thing to do! MARLENE Maggie what do you mean? Maggie exits the room she walks down the corridor  and makes her way into the kitchen once there she looks in a draw and finds a sharp knife  she takes the knife back to her room, BACK IN MAGGIE’S ROOM Marlene has now gone Maggie removes her bandage covering her injection she taskes the knife and slices the top of her left arm, MAGGIE (GOING CRAZY) this is  the stuff oh yeah I can do this! She puts the knife into her wound again this time she faints and collapses on the floor with drops of blood around her. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN SPRINGFIELD  GENERAL HOSPITAL Maggie is on the children's ward she is now awake with a bandage around her arm her family are also there. HOMER Thank god your okay! LISA Glad your ok Maggie! BART Mags you know how I feel right? MAGGIE Yes Bart I do! HOMER You want to come back to live with us again? MAGGIE I’ll have to squire it with the Social Worker I’d love you but I want you to be caring! HOMER Maggie you got it! They all hug Maggie THE END s the first episode of the new season feel free to comment on this post thank you 

[pokefanbri]

From my heartbreak support fb group, I think these are wise words.

Hello for sure everyone joined this group to get answers from their anxities and depressions caused by a break up.

I am also in the process of healing right now and i want to share you guys what i am doing because it works for me tho may not work for everyone but still try if you want to 🙂

Me and my 8 month relationship ex broke up the day after Christmas. Since it's very fresh what i did is i tried and did my best to get him back.

1. Sent him a long ass letter with our photos

2. Messaged him twice to give our relationship another shot

3. Posted stuff on my blog.. "i learned a lot of things in my life lately blah blah blah" just to show him that i'm changing for myself and the relationship (IF we give it another shot)

4. I gave him the space that he needs that's why i didn't message him at all for 2 days and messaged him again on New Year trying to save our relationship for the last time.

Still, it didn't work out.

Lesson (based on my experience):

— as long as you did your part, did all your best to save the relationship, YOU'RE FINE NO REGRETS. You're allowed to message your ex days after the break up bc you're still adjusting from everything especially if you guys always talk or see each other BUT know when to stop. Usually your heart will tell you when. IT WILL GET TIRED. Tho you will miss him on the next days, it's normal and just keep in your mind that YOU'RE JUST MISSING HIM and that YOU'VE DONE YOUR PART. It is HIS/HER LOSS not yours.

— Now, focus on SELF LOVE. Commit to NC (NO CONTACT). Keep in mind too that you're going to do this FOR YOUR HEALING AND MOVING ON.. NOT TO GET YOUR EX BACK. If he/she gets back, perfect! give your relationship another chance if you guys think it's the right thing to do. If not, ATLEAST YOU'RE HEALING AND LOVING YOURSELF even more. (**i know it is hard to keep the NC rule, easier said than done but do it for yourself not for anyone. think about yourself too. yourself needs love too. and you deserve to be happy**)

Good luck to us all! Take this new year 2021 as an opportunity for self care & self love. Your true love/soulmate will find its way to you. Never chase love because you deserve better dear, never settle for anything less! ❤️

The differences are that I couldn't do my best, I have regrets that I could've done more to save it..just all of it my heart can't heal properly because it hasn't given up on him yet...& oh yes is it exhausted. After all this time im still trying to adjust without proper closure to begin with, cuz what could I do really? I wasn't allowed to make contact days after & months after still so thats bs there, i had no choice in the matter & I don't know if I still do. All that time for space & i bet neither of us has the courage to do it first & probably immature to do a damn thing about it or wondering if we'd be at eachothers throats...just dont know how chill we still could be. Im not sure what I'd say at all but I go over it in my mind sometimes, knowing my luck id stumble on my words & it would go terribly.Or possibly we'd feel completely comfortable speaking & not much awkwardness. What if we're both kinda chicken & letting it go for a while pushing it off til we ready while we focus on ourselves..yea. What if im overthinking again 🤐 ill just be over here listening to my fav love songs while the world still rotates and we age with each passing day not knowing what direction I'm supposed to go later on. Im an emotional person, rn seems like im angry & theres still some resentment yet to get out. It still irks me, i should've had a say i feel so powerless...There were 2 halves to it, it was my relationship too I deserve to be heard & respected more than I was, it all happened so fast i regret not doing or saying more so time would have a better chance. I know our time meant something to him too 😔 I cannot do much of anything else or especially directly & im being good, so how much longer do I stay patient is all im sayin 😕 its his move 😔 nuff said. Im going to bed, keep me in dreamland as long as possible cuz Idk if I like the real world rn. Still adjusting, just keep swimming i guess 🙁 enough with the tantrum already bri lol

[bowlingforshrimp]

About Me

Thought I’d do a fun about me post. Because why not. I want to tag @herself-a-universe​ @witchychild-grimoire​ @raenai​ @radmamajama​ to do this too.

1. Name: Lavender

2. Zodiac Sign: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising. It’s pretty accurate.

3. Three Fears: Spiders, rejection, being sick.

4. Three Things I Love: Flowers, happy things, my friends.

5. My best Friend: RJ my former roomie, but also Willow and Sarah.

6. Last Song I Listened To: I don’t know but I was singing Hardest of Hearts by Florence and the Machine.

7. Four Turn ons: Looks ( this is so vague lol), confidence, flirting, being genuine.

8. Four Turn Offs: Anger, rudeness, disinterest, poor hygiene. 

9. Dream Date Scenario: Depends on the person?? I would like going somewhere in nature with a coffee and walking around and talking and connecting. Then somewhere inside, cozy and warm, having fun, maybe ending up making out. That sounds nice.

10. Tattoos/ Piercings: I have 1 tattoo on my left arm of a sunflower design. I used to have a nostril and monroe piercing, but didn’t keep either of them. For now it’s just my ears.

11. Why I joined Tumblr: I joined back in 2010 because I had friends who found it interesting. I didn’t post much, but rejoined in 2013 when the whole superwholock thing was big.... lmao. I’ve been active since.

12. How I feel Right Now: Generally pretty bored, but I’ve been researching some stuff and keeping myself entertained.

13. Something I really, really want: I want.. so much. I want more witchy stuff, I want my life figured out, I want happiness and less stress.

14. My relationship status: Where the fuck is that shrugging emoji. I’m poly- I have a relationship with my spirit mate and I also have a gf in the physical. <3

15.The meaning behind my URL: I literally just made something up, I can’t explain that. Insert shrugging emoji again.

16. Favorite songs: Anything by Willow, but specifically 9, Isreal, Boy, waves of nature, and wait a minute. Umm, also Now or Never by Halsey, Cherry Wine by Hozier... I have a lot of songs I like.c

17. Favorite Movies: I like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Kiki’s delivery service, Coraline, Alice in Wonderland, Moana, Kill Bill, a bunch of stuff.

18. Favorite bands: Just look at the song list lmao.

19. Three things that upset me: People who are quick to anger, a lack of justice or fairness, the general state of the world.

20. Three things that make me happy: Cute and pretty things, my friends, being hopeful for the future.

21. Three things I find attractive in other people: patience, kindness, enthusiasm.

22. Something I love: cats

23. Someone I miss: Willow

24. My relationship with my parents: Good in general.

25. My favorite holidays: Christmas, Halloween, Valentines Day.

26. Someone from tumblr I would date: (;(;(;(((((;;(;(; (;

27. A confession: I’m fu ckin tired and stressed.

28. Favorite drinks: CofFeE, juices, Dr. Pepper, water is a good.

29. Favorite foods: Korean Food, Chinese food, sushi, pizza, burgers, thanksgiving food, sweet potato, chocolate in general.

30.Favorite smells/ scents: Fall scents like pumpkin and cranberry, Floral scents, Nag champa and fruity incense, scents of certain people, nature smells, libraries and books.

31. Three things that annoy me easily: People being rude, my cats knocking things off my desk, my cats fighting in general.

32. My pets: 4 cats- Zombie and Jellybean the brown tabby girls, and Jaeger the tuxedo and Tahno the siamese mix boys.

33. How I got into witchcraft: About a year and a half ago I felt a calling to the witchcraft lifestyle and knew I needed something like it in my life. I started researching on the internet and on tumblr, then 5 months later found witchcraft/ spirit working discords.

34. My practice/ path: I’m a cosmic witch and a spirit worker. I am a dionysus devotee and have 3 spirit companions who I love. I do energy work and spellwork and like to use elemental, light and cosmic energy.

35. Something that’s constantly on my mind: my future, my friends, every one of my anxities.

36. Three habits I have: Bad habits? I chew my bottom lip, I don’t take my meds regularly and umm... I don’t breathe very well. I usually don’t breathe in enough.

37. My future goals: Have an apartment with my friends, learn more about witchcraft and spirit work, have a decent job that I like and just be happy.

38. Something I fantasize about: See above. 

39. Favorite Colors: Purple, Maroon, Blue, Green, peach and pink.

40. What I did yesterday: Stayed up until 8am and slept until 3pm. Played cards against humanity and hung out with my lovely gf.

41. My talents: Staying up until 8am. Jk. Violin and music things, art, math, and umm, is loving a talent. I think I’m good at being loving.

42. Celebrity crushes: I just appreciate hot people. But Kit Harrington could get it.

43. Myers- Briggs Type: INFJ

44. Chinese Zodiac: Year of the Dog

45. Ideal place to live: Just putside of Seattle where it has a nice view and is surrounded by trees and also I’m crazy rich because Seattle is expensive as fuck.

46. My perfect day: Doing fun things with people I love and not having a single worry all day.

47. Where I want to vacation to: France, Europe in general, Australia, Morrocco, Seattle, California, anywhere pretty and new.

48. Do I want kids: Perhaps someday, yeah.

49. My favorite thing to learn about/ study: Witchcraft, Religion, Social Sciences, Science in general, Plants and nature/ gardening.

50. A random fact or quirk about me: I’m fckin... barely a person even, what,