#My ability to sense the passage of time has been completely destroyed and I blame covid

[galinneall-dearg]

Hi Dearg, hope everything is going well on your end!

Just wanted to say that I really love your content, especially the mood boards, they’re so cool ✨

I also really like that whole “Donald w/out Douglas” concept you introduced with that one Traintober art (I think it was “smoke”). Like it’s so damn sad, but in a good way. It might be like 4 years old but it has a chokehold on my brain, mainly cause Donald is my favourite TTTE character and I like seeing my faves in negative situations and watching them work through them. Also, my favourite kinda relationship in media is Platonic Siblings, so no wonder the Caledonian Twins are my faves 🤣

Thank you for dropping in the lovely message ^^ Things are goin' good for me at the mo'

Eyyyyyy the separated Caledonians AU! Oh wow it has been four years hasn't it? Damn I was 18 when I drew that and now I'm turning 22 tomorrow..

The fun part of the whole thing was definitely everyone who chipped in with ideas, and had their own interpretations. The ever-wonderful @/mean-scarlet-deceiver wrote a brilliant little ficlet, and over on AO3 TheWhiteShellMermaid actually went ahead and wrote it all out in a fic (the fact that this exists still BOGGLES MY MIND XD. Never ever thought this would happen)

I'm not a writer so the fact the idea got so much traction was definitely unexpected... But the fact that it resonated with people still holds a special place in my heart <3

[nadziejastar]

Axel’s Moral Relativism

“No apology?” He with the red hair—Axel stood up, his mouth turned down at the corners, and looked down at Roxas who still sat in bed.

“I shouldn’t have to. The one showing up all of a sudden when others are waking up is in the wrong.”

“Is that how to treat a best friend on coming back from completing a long mission!”

“I don’t recall becoming your best friend.”

Roxas got off the bed, and, ignoring Axel, turned his back and put on a black coat.

This is a passage from the short story called “Roxas: Somewhere in Time”. It was included with KH2FM+ and details a little bit of how Roxas and Axel got along together in the organization. Xion wasn’t included for obvious reasons. I got the sense that Nomura took Roxas in a slightly different direction to make him more like Ventus in Days.

Roxas was a little more cynical and introspective in this short story compared to Days. But one thing remained the same. From the very beginning, Roxas was never meant to feel as strongly about being “best friends” as Axel did in KH2. He felt like Axel was being a bit pushy about that label and given their circumstances, I’d say he was completely justified in feeling that way.

Axel said ‘best friend’. But that’s only playing at being human; it’s a relationship that we, Nobodies without hearts, aren’t supposed to have. But, within the organization, I’ve become especially close to Axel—no, it’s a fact without mistake that we are closer than the other members, and I don’t really know how that relationship should be expressed.

And that was their relationship in a nutshell. They were especially close and had a very important relationship, but they still weren’t really best friends. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it ties into this subject. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they didn’t like 358/2 Days because of the constant “best friends” talk and because Axel seemed like a goody-two-shoes big brother, instead of the hardcore assassin he acted like in CoM. They couldn’t reconcile those two different portrayals.

Yes, “best friends” was mentioned over and over. Way more than with SRK or TAV. Compared to them, RAX didn’t even know each other for that long. It was supposed to feel forced. But, I don’t think that was a bad thing or that it lessened the importance of their bond. To the contrary, I actually thought their relationship was a lot MORE meaningful because they weren’t really Axel’s best friends. As an assassin, Axel had a very skewed sense of morality. And that’s what this post will be about.

“What are you trying to do? Are you thinking to use Naminé as a shield? That little girl doesn’t mean anything to me. I’ll just destroy her along with you. Get ready, Marluxia!” fired Axel, readying his chakrams.

Peculiar or not, she’s got nothing to do with me, or the Organization… I don’t think. It’s fine to destroy things that are in the way.

I definitely think Axel was always willing to do the dirty work for Saïx because he thought of Isa as his best friend. He never really cared about the morality of what he was doing. All that mattered was that he was doing it for the sake of his best friend. 

Day 74: Xion's Face

Author: Axel

Honestly, I never got why Roxas was so crazy about Xion. I know they both joined up around the same time, and they're both rookies, but how do you get so close to somebody who hides their face all the time? Well, I saw it today. All of a sudden, No. XIV up and takes off...her hood. Xion is a girl, and she looks just like Naminé.

Roxas and Xion became his “best friends” because that changed when he met them. Especially after Castle Oblivion. Roxas was Sora’s Nobody and Xion looked just like Naminé. It made him question everything about the way he had been living.

“Your best friend?” Roxas shook his head furiously and grabbed Axel’s cloak. “Best friends are supposed to be honest with each other!”

He’s angry, Axel thought clearly. It really does make it seem like he has a heart. But if that’s all I can think of when he’s this upset, I really must not have one.

It’s important to emphasize that although Axel’s relationship with Roxas was pretty one-sided in KH2, it was kind of the opposite in Days. Roxas liked the idea of being best friends with him and Xion. Their relationship didn’t fall apart because Roxas was indifferent to their friendship. Axel did a lot of things to alienate Roxas after telling him they were best friends. Roxas felt betrayed. Axel did what he thought was the best thing for everyone’s sake. But Roxas was unable to understand that because Axel had a much less idealistic outlook on life than he did.

Still gripping Axel’s collar, Roxas shook his head with the emphatic refusal of a little kid. “No, you didn’t…” But he sounded uncertain as he said it, and his voice shrank even more. “We’re supposed to be best friends.”

Axel brushed Roxas’s hands from his collar. “This isn’t about friendship.”

Roxas raised his head. The glare in his blue eyes was sharp as a knife. Axel had never seen that from him before. His chest twinged, just a bit. He let out another sigh. “Listen, if that’s all, I gotta go.”

Roxas wilted again, and something in his expression weakened Axel’s resolve slightly.

I did it with the best of intentions, that’s all. For Roxas’ sake, for Xion’s sake, for the Organization’s sake---and for Isa’s sake. But more than anything, for my own sake.

He turned away from Roxas and made himself walk away.

Axel’s innocence had already been shattered a long time ago. He was used to dealing with the darker side of life. Due to his traumatic past, he had an amazing ability to emotionally detach himself from any given situation. It was a form of self-preservation.

After he left Roxas, Axel’s distracted wandering through the hallways came to a stop when he saw someone else.

He was probably waiting for me. Standing there against the wall with his arms folded was once my best friend—Saïx didn’t take his eyes off the ground to look at Axel.

“…You’re sure this is for the best?”

“Everything is back to normal. Of course this is for the best, isn’t it?”

The reason I’m unable to answer Saïx is probably because I depend on him, thought Axel.

“Xemnas has also been irritated at the recent changes in plan. Everything has to go back to normal, for the sake of our goal too… Lea.”

But from Roxas’s point of view, Axel seemed cold and heartless. He always said that Nobodies had no hearts and that they couldn’t feel things like fear or love. Naturally, Roxas thought he didn’t value their friendship as much as he did. And Axel did hide all of his true feelings, so I can’t blame Roxas for feeling that way. 

But while Axel pushed Roxas further away, he really wanted to do what was best for him. He wanted to spare Roxas the pain that he went through. And at the same time, he was dealing with his inner conflict over his relationship with Saïx. He had a hard time coping with the huge rift between how he remembered their past compared to what he saw in the present. He had nobody to confide in about this.

“Come on, don’t look shocked,” Axel went on. “You already know you’re a replica. A puppet whose original purpose was to duplicate Roxas’s powers. If he’s getting weaker, and you’re getting stronger, maybe you’re taking a little more than you oughta be.”

He didn’t gloss over anything. Confronted with the plain truth, she looked away.

Right. I’m a puppet. Organization XIII built me. A doll to copy Roxas’s powers. But still…that’s not all I am. Axel doesn’t know the whole story. And maybe I don’t, either. What other secrets are hidden inside me?

“…What should I do, then?” she mumbled at the floor. She didn’t have the answer.

“I can’t make that decision. You’re no puppet in my book.” Axel took hold of her shoulders, and she turned up to him again. There was sincerity in his eyes and kindness. “You’re my best friend. Mine and Roxas’s. Got it memorized?”

Axel told Xion they were best friends, but at that point, he still thought it was better for her to not exist. He said they were best friends for her sake. And perhaps to assuage some of the guilt he felt over what he was planning to do, which she was oblivious to. Axel had no real advice for her. He didn’t expect her to exist for much longer and left it up to her to decide what to do. He felt bad about it, but he truly thought it was for the best that she disappear.

“Are you talking about destroying her?” Axel made no reply.

“Answer me!” he screamed, kicking the wall.

Axel still spoke quietly. “If somebody doesn’t, then you…won’t be you anymore.”

“I’ll always be me! Your best friend—just like Xion!”

But Axel shook his head. “Roxas—you’re missing the bigger picture.”

“Ugh, forget this.” Roxas kicked the wall again for good measure and started walking away. There was no point talking to Axel anymore. The Winner stick was still in his pocket. So much for giving it to Axel.

“Roxas!” He didn’t look back. He didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say anymore.

He kept all of this from Roxas. He knew he would never accept that his best friend needed to be destroyed for his own good. So he took the burden on himself to do it, knowingly destroying their friendship in the process.

Roxas no longer knew what to say to either of them. Why had Axel attacked Xion like that? He’d been for real. Serious enough that he almost seemed about to take her down for good. The thought made Roxas nervous. Axel wasn’t saying anything to him, either.

At first Axel took a rather pragmatic approach to the situation with Xion. He wasn’t happy about it and it wasn’t an easy decision or anything. But he did attack her and bring her back, with the intention of her being destroyed. Even when he fought her, he was ready to take her out permanently if it came to that. He didn’t like it, but he was able to set aside his feelings and do what he thought he had to do. He only changed his mind at the very end.

I don’t have a single friend in this place. All these people on my side—and his and the organization’s… But I don’t know if I can say that we’re really on the same side. I’m alone here.

Nostalgia… And memory. We are the ones who lost their hearts—the ones who are no one. Nobodies. Not light nor darkness—we live in the twilight.

Axel stopped outside the crystal ball room and took a deep breath.

Why are we here? What are we doing? No—why am I here?

Axel’s actions definitely demonstrated that he viewed Isa as his best friend above anyone else. He questioned why he was still in the organization after he killed Vexen.

It’s just like that back is rejecting me. And I’m realizing that my memories of the past are too different from the thoughts I’m having now.

Why the hell am I here? I don’t really know any more. What the hell do I want to do?

And he questioned it when Saïx said the organization didn’t need both Roxas and Xion. Saïx did not act like Axel’s friend, let alone his best friend. He was totally cold and often very cruel to to him. Axel felt rejected and alone when talking to Saïx. But he chose to stay in the organization. If he really wanted to, he could have left. But he never did.  

“The time has come for us to move, it seems—”

Axel frowned at Xemnas’ words.

What if—I’d stopped Roxas properly, that time? If I’d told Roxas the entire secret, would it have turned out like this? But, I couldn’t betray the organization.

No—to be honest, I’ve already betrayed the organization. In that castle, I was the one who let Riku and Naminé meet, which made a big mess for the organization.

But, I didn’t complete the betrayal. I’m still uncertain. From the time I met my best friend Roxas, from the time spent in Castle Oblivion, I’ve continued to struggle with doubts.

Why am I here? What do I want? How can I become whole again?

Even now, he wasn’t sure.

After Xion disappeared, Roxas was the only one who helped Axel feel less lonely in the organization. But when Roxas left, he was still conflicted. It’s not that he was afraid to go against the organization. He just didn’t know what he truly wanted to do in order to be whole.

Today I have to destroy Roxas. I cannot betray the organization.

From the little shelf at his bedside, Axel took a white envelope, and looked at it vaguely for a while. Putting it in his pocket, Axel got up off the bed and left the room.

Maybe, this is the last time I’ll see Saïx, too. Thinking, Axel looked at the seated Saïx’s back.

“We’ve known each other for a pretty long time, haven’t we?” Ignoring Axel’s words, Saïx continued typing on the keyboard.

“Say something. Have you even thought that maybe I can’t erase Roxas?” Axel said, in a playful tone, and Saïx finally looked up. “It’ll be all right. ‘Cause I’m tough.”

“Saying stupid things,” said Saïx, smiling for just a second at Axel, puffing out his chest.

In the end, he decided he had to destroy Roxas. He joked about destroying Roxas. That’s how desperately he wanted to emotionally connect with Saïx, like when they were kids. I definitely could never see him joking about destroying Saïx to Roxas. 

“I’m goooing.” Waving to Saïx, Axel disappeared.

The instant he transferred over, he closed his eyes for a moment at the dazzling sunset streaming through. Then he turned around dramatically, and confirmed it was Roxas.

“Look at what it’s come to,” Axel said. “I’ve been given some pretty nasty orders…to destroy you if you refuse to come back with me.”

I don’t think Axel truly thought it was funny, but I do think that he has been through so much trauma that he felt emotionally disconnected from everything, and developed a dark sense of humor. Immediately after that exchange, he appeared in front of Roxas and told him he was given the icky orders to destroy him.

Can I destroy Roxas? Probably not. But I know what I can’t do. Xemnas and Saïx probably knew that as well. Maybe we can disappear together from here and go somewhere.

And Axel genuinely wasn’t sure if he would be able to do it or not. He didn’t want to do it, and ultimately wasn’t able to, but he still came pretty close. He only changed his mind at the last minute, like with Xion. He was playing around with the idea that they could disappear together, but he only brought it up jokingly. After that, he tried to go back to the organization.

“No one would miss me,” I retorted, and started to walk away.

“That’s not true…,” Axel mumbled. “I would.” At the time, I pretended not to hear him. We Nobodies have no hearts. How would we be able to “miss” someone? But now, I understand how he felt.

Roxas flung Axel back with the Keyblades so that he fell to his knees. Roxas couldn’t bring himself to deal the final blow. 

“Axel…”

That’s right—we were the only pair of best friends in the organization.

I got the sense that Axel was so convinced he didn’t have a heart because of all the things he had done as a Nobody. He was truly disgusted with himself after fighting Roxas. He said that Roxas had a next life because he was a sweet, innocent kid. He looked surprised that Roxas responded seriously to his suggestion to meet again in the next life, especially after what he just did to him. Roxas still cared about him and had sympathy for him.

“Axel…” The hostility had vanished from Roxas’ eyes.

I can’t find the spirit to fight this Roxas anymore. Here–there’s nothing to do but to fade away.

“Let’s meet again in the next life.” At those words spoken with just a hint of a smile, Roxas nodded quietly.

“Yeah. I’ll be waiting.” There was something funny about Roxas’s serious answer, and Axel laughed.

“Silly… you’d have a next life, but…” Axel said to Roxas–and his figure disappeared in the darkness of a portal he’d opened behind him.

Axel was aware that he just tried to murder that pure-hearted kid who once called him his best friend. Of course Axel thought he had no heart or a next life. He didn’t stop fighting Roxas because they were best friends. He stopped because he realized that he wasn’t Lea anymore. He no longer recognized himself and he was deeply ashamed.

“What were you trying to do?” Sora asked. For a moment, Axel didn’t reply. He kept staring into space as he did. 

“…I wanted to see Roxas. He…was the only one I liked. When I was with him…he made me feel…like I had a heart…” Axel closed his eyes.

Somehow, he had the feeling that Roxas was close. Terribly close. Right beside him.

“I feel it…with you, too…” Then Axel weakly shook his head and returned his attention to Sora. “Kairi’s in the castle dungeon. Now go.”

Roxas and Sora made Axel feel like he had a heart, not because they were his best friends, or because he was in love with them. It was because he tried to harm them and they still showed him forgiveness and compassion. 

“We don’t disappear… We’re only reborn,” Naminé murmured, perhaps to herself.

“I’m not like you and Roxas,” Axel said flatly. His hand holding the ice pop stick paused in midair.

“But—but you…” She looked down, clenching her fists.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

I think that played a huge role in why Axel put Roxas on such a pedestal in KH2. Roxas was the epitome of humanity to him. He wasn’t used to being around people who showed him empathy and friendship. Roxas genuinely cared about him in 358/2 Days. He was devastated when he thought Axel was terminated and would never see him again. And Axel repaid that kindness by trying to destroy him. Roxas treated Axel like a human worthy of friendship. He made him feel human, even when he felt like he didn’t deserve it.

“I think we all know, and you just don’t want to accept it,” Saïx remarked, his voice dripping with disdain.

“He might be forcing her…,” Roxas mumbled.

Saïx only snorted at him. “Hah! Your human-like way of thinking is so nauseating.”

But that was the only thing Roxas could think of. Xion wouldn’t betray the Organization…or her friends. Would she? He stared at the floor, his fists clenched at his sides. Were Nobodies and humans really all that different?

“You have to trust your partners,” said Roxas, flaring up. Then he raised his head to glare at Saïx. “Why is it such a crime to give each other the benefit of the doubt?!”

“Just stop, Roxas.” Axel restrained his arm. “Just, calm down a little.”

Unlike with Roxas and Xion, I don’t think Lea ever considered destroying Isa an option. If Isa ever had to be destroyed, Lea promised him that they’d go together. That’s how attached he was to Isa. They were best friends and inseparable. He put Isa ahead of everyone.

“Huh…you’ve got a point. So, okay, say you don’t need a heart for things to be important to you… Maybe the closest thing we Nobodies have is our pasts. It’s the memories that give things value.”

“Memories…,” Roxas mumbled at his lap. “Well, I don’t remember my past, so I guess that explains it.”

Axel pondered that for a few seconds before suggesting, “What about your present, though?” Roxas looked up. Somehow, he hadn’t expected to hear that from Axel.

“Wait, you’re right. I don’t want to forget about you or Xion.”

“See?” said Axel. “Everyone’s got things they wanna hang on to. Even us Nobodies.”

When asked what he couldn’t bear to lose, he didn’t say it was his friendship with Roxas or Xion. He knew Roxas valued the present more than anything, but Axel still would have chosen the past.

Axel didn’t waste a second grabbing his chakrams. But his body was reluctant somehow. 

I don’t want to disappear… But still, it wouldn’t be so bad if I did. Not here. 

Even when Saïx wanted him dead, Axel felt like he’d rather disappear than fight him. Saïx was stronger than him, and Axel never thought he could beat him. He was never going to destroy him or anything. But even fighting him in self-defense was enough to make Axel feel like disappearing—the one thing he dreaded more than anything. 

This is a pretty overwhelming disadvantage, Axel thought. Well, I knew that before we started fighting. I can’t win against Saïx with my own strength.

Still, he refused to hesitate. He had to force this path open. He wanted…to find hope—the hope that Sora and Riku had.

Saïx gave him a cruel grin. “You will lose everything!” And then the Claymore pierced Axel’s chest.

I don’t want to disappear. I can’t disappear now. I shouldn’t have to disappear at all. Why am I doing all this? Who is it for? For Roxas… For Riku, for Naminé… And for myself. There are still things I should do. Things I have to do.

Axel was only willing to fight Saïx for Kairi’s sake. It wasn’t because they were best friends. He did it because it was the best thing for everyone. But he was envious of Riku and Sora because of the hope they had.

“Al said he wouldn’t rely on magic, right? I want to fix it for him, but you gotta respect your friend’s wishes.”

“Your friend’s… wishes…” 

So, even if you mean for something to be for your friend’s sake, their wishes are still more important?

Lea and Isa promised to meet again in the next life. But even then, Lea changed his mind. Even if Isa disappearing was the best thing for everyone, and that was the decision he made himself, Lea didn’t care.

“That Genie person seemed very worried about that Al person. And then he said that you have to respect your friend’s wishes.” Xion bit her ice cream, swinging her feet.

Axel leaned his head to one side. “Your friend’s wishes, huh…” 

It feels like I have heard that before, a long time ago, when I was human.

He was going to bring him back, whether he liked it or not---whether it was the right thing to do or not. He’d bring him back, even if he had to drag him. And I think that is how Lea developed such a skewed sense of morality, and why he was willing to do anything for Saïx, even the icky jobs. Lea refused to respect Isa’s wishes if it meant he had to sacrifice himself.

This is the way it has to go, Axel told himself, lying on his bed. This is the right course.

But he was swamped with misgivings, unable to accept his own decisions. How could he choose between Roxas and Xion? And yet, that was exactly what he’d been forced to do. Then Xion had walked away of her own accord.

Then again, this did little to alter the big picture. All it meant was that Xion would no longer be draining strength from Roxas. The plan would only suffer a slight delay in progress—nothing more. Although even that slight delay would let Roxas remain himself for a little longer.

Axel didn’t know what would happen. But he was glad, at least, for a little more time to think.

What will I have to do? What should I do?

His thoughts kept him awake for some time.

When Axel told Roxas that Xion needed to disappear for the greater good, he must have felt like a huge hypocrite. When Xion left on her own and Axel turned a blind eye, he must have felt like a huge hypocrite.

I promised Xion. I have to keep my word, don’t I? What Xion really wants—and what Roxas wants, too—is for the three of us to stay together. But there’s nothing I can do now to make that happen. So if I can at least keep my promise to her…that’s what I’ll do.

Axel didn’t let any of it show as he waited for Roxas to continue.

“You’re not really gonna do what Xemnas says…are you?” Roxas asked, still staring at the floor.

A tiny sigh escaped Axel. “I have to. Or else I won’t be safe, either.”

That was the harsh truth. And if he was gone, too, who would keep Roxas safe?

When Axel set out to destroy Xion after calling her his best friend, he must have felt like a huge hypocrite. When Axel thought he had to respect Xion’s wish to disappear, he must have felt like a huge hypocrite.

Kairi looked up at him then. “Aren’t you…a bad guy?”

“I’m not,” Axel replied, completely serious. “But not really a good guy, either.”

“This doggy likes you, though,” she pointed out.

Axel dropped his gaze, and indeed, Pluto was right there with his tail whipping back and forth.

“Just because dogs like someone doesn’t mean they’re a good person, y’know. Got it memorized?”

I got the sense that Lea was always willing to get his hands dirty for Isa’s sake, because he remembered him to be so selfless. I think Lea would have done anything for him. He would have eliminated anyone to save him. Roxas, Xion, Sora. Anyone. 

Axel, what do you want to do?”

“Avoid being eliminated ideally.”

“So you’re offering me up to the organization?”

“…Well, you see any other options?” His expression was frozen in a forced smile.

He had no ideas. He didn’t know what to do. And he had no heart and thus no emotions to guide him, either.

I think Saïx was telling the truth when he said Axel changed. Their roles were reversed from the past. Axel was an assassin who was morally ambiguous. He said he didn’t believe anyone could say what was right or wrong, and he also didn’t consider himself a good person or a bad person.

“But this is for everyone’s sake.”

Everyone…? Who do you mean by everyone? Us? Or others?

“Don’t say selfish crap like that. Every last one of…”

“This is for the best,” Xion said.

I hate that sort of thing. There’s no such thing as ‘this is for the best’. There’s, I want to, and I don’t want to, that’s all. I learned that in my human time.

He was willing to do bad things to achieve his goals. He was desensitized to it. It’s what he had to do to survive in the organization. As long as he got what he wanted, nothing else mattered. But when he realized how much Isa had changed, Axel’s resolve to get his hands dirty wavered.

“The best thing…?” Naminé set her crayons down on the table, her gaze dropping as she thought for a moment, and then she smiled at him again.

“It’s the right thing.”

In response, Axel only leaned back and rocked in the chair again. She took up her crayons.

No one could know what was right or wrong.

Roxas and Kairi were what finally tipped him over the edge. He could no longer do what he knew was wrong. This is why I think Axel’s friendship with Roxas and Xion was so important to his development. It was so important exactly because they weren’t really his best friends. They offered something to Axel that he couldn’t have gotten from his real best friend.

“The dirty work doesn’t bother me,” Axel went on. “You just make for the top.”

There was nothing false in that, and he looked Saïx in the eye as he said it. Saïx stared hard back at him.

Right. We have our own agenda.

It’s interesting that Axel was so concerned with doing what was best for everyone in Days, considering he actually hated that type of thinking as a human. I got the sense that Isa acted as Lea’s moral compass during the experiments. There’s a reason Isa got possessed and Lea became an assassin, after all. And it wasn’t because Lea was a goody-two-shoes. He was a good person deep down. But he didn’t care what was best for everyone if it meant Isa had to die.

To suit the Organization, to suit Xion, to suit Roxas—to suit the world. I don’t give a crap about any of that any more. I use the Organization for myself. That hasn’t changed from the start. All that’s changed is for whose sake I do it for. Maybe he’d call it being a traitor. But, the world changes.

His best friend was more important to him than the world. But...Lea cared so much about him because he was the type of person who put others ahead of himself. It’s why Axel was willing to do all the dirty work for him. 

Ansem quietly shook his head. “Naminé, Roxas, and Xemnas… The Nobodies of those with strong hearts are peculiar beings. My—that is, our theories proved fruitless. Coming into contact with a strong heart transforms a world. And not just worlds, but people themselves—and even Nobodies.”

Naminé, head lowered and hand extended with the ice cream for Riku, perked up upon hearing those words.

That’s it… Yes. The mystery of the heart. When we encounter someone special…the world changes. Our hearts change. Everything changes.

Axel needed to have Saïx act like a horrible person in order for him to rediscover his sense of morality. His loyalty to Saïx was holding him back. He grew tremendously as a character by refusing to do the wrong thing, even for his best friend. He stood on his own two feet, did the right thing, and earned his redemption. Ironically, his betrayal of Saïx was due to his loyalty to his memories of Isa. And betraying Saïx was the only way to eventually get Isa back. 

[ghedahrianvampress]

Masquerade Ch 4

The sound of chatter filled the house, mixing with the eerie music that was being played in the background. Despite it being Mel's first party, she was actually enjoying herself, and from the looks of it, she was pretty sure that she could say the same about her friends. Each dressed in their own unique costume, they were busy mingling and dancing to their hearts content. Mel laughed as she saw Edward doing the chicken dance across the room. He was really getting into it.

You're probably wondering why the group was attending a party. Well, it just so happened that they encountered yet another roadblock. Through the passage that had been previously guarded by the stone lion, they found a four-inch thick door, made of solid steel. There was no way that they were going to get through it simply by banging their fists and blasting it with magic. They needed an acid strong enough to eat through it, and in order to get such an acid, they needed to return to Harakauna.

They had just finished up in Harakauna when they suddenly received a magical invitation to a Costume Party being thrown at Marcello and Gretchen's new house in Underfall. As much as Mel disliked the idea of going back to that creepy town, she couldn't deny that a party sounded like fun. Besides, it was hard to refuse such an invitation with Edward, June, and Yvette begging her like three adorable little puppies.

"Are you enjoying yourself so far, Mel?" Spook asked, coming up to her all of a sudden.

Mel nodded her head. "Yeah, I finally have an idea of what a party looks like in Ghed'ahre."

Spook gave her a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Mel explained that her friend, Te'ijal, had always bragged about the fabulous parties they threw in the city of vampires. Marcello and Gretchen's party fit Te'ijal's description almost exactly. There were treat bowls filled with cut up finger bones and eyeballs, which honestly made her want to puke. There was a group of skeletons playing music. Carved Pumpkins were scattered all about, and there was even a gambling table in the corner, probably because Marcello loved to gamble. The only thing missing was the gigantic punch bowl filled with blood.

"I wasn't aware that you liked things that are dark and creepy," Spook stated.

Mel shrugged. "I know it's weird, but I've always found myself attracted to things that are dark and mysterious. Unfortunately, my fascination with such things has been known to get me into a lot of trouble."

"In what way?" Spook asked.

He seemed oddly intrigued by what she was saying. The reason she found it odd was because most people thought she was rather weird when they heard that. However, Spook didn't seem to think that way. Mel got the feeling that, unlike most others, he actually understood her. She felt like she could trust him enough to open up about one of her most shameful moments in life.

"A couple of years ago, back when I was still a thief, I was hired by a dark and mysterious client. A part of me was afraid of him, but a part of me was attracted to him. He asked me to complete a dangerous task for him," she began to explain. "You see, there was a haunted tower in my home town. It was so frightening that even I was terrified of it. He wanted me to retrieve a relic from inside it. I wanted to refuse him, but I couldn't."

"Why couldn't you?"

"To this day, I've never really understood. I always blamed myself, but I realize now that he could have compelled me or something with his powers," Mel continued. "Anyway, I ended up finding the relic that he wanted, which turned out to be much more powerful than I ever could have imagined. I discovered that he was actually a power-hungry vampire shortly after, and I've been on the run from him ever since."

Spook's eyes widened when he heard that. "Y-You were attracted to this Vampire? As in romantically?"

"I'm not entirely sure. It would be kinda twisted, considering he kidnapped me, and basically killed my best friend. I don't think I'd ever admit it, even if I was. I get the feeling he would just laugh at me. The only reason he wants me is because I'm the only one who can activate my ancestor's orbs."

He remained silent for a while. There was a slightly troubled look on his face, as he appeared to be taking in everything that she had said. She thought it strange that he was so affected by what she had said. Was he jealous? Perhaps she should have kept her mouth shut after all. Yet, at the same time, it had felt good to finally confide in someone about it.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

All of a sudden he looked up at her, looking as if he had just come out of a trance. "Yeah, I'm just surprised," he said. "Excuse me, but It's getting a bit hot in here. I think I need some air."

Mel felt like kicking herself. She should have known that he would run away, just like everyone else.

Gyendal rushed out of the house as fast as he could, the thoughts in his mind swirling out of control. His emotions were so scattered that he couldn't even figure out what exactly he was feeling. The only thing he knew was that he needed to go somewhere quiet so that he could sort everything out. No sooner was he out, then he started towards the town square.

As he had expected, the town square was completely deserted, without a Darkling to be found. Most Darklings were either sleeping or busy partying at Marcello and Gretchen's. He was just fine with this, seeing as he was clearly not in the mood to be troubled by the pranks of the mischievous little Darklings.

Taking a seat on one of the stone benches, and cradled his head in his hands, feeling as though the weight of the world was crushing his brain. He had never felt the way he did at that very moment. He was shocked, conflicted, and confused all at the same time, but his shock greatly outweighed the other two emotions.

A part of him had always wondered what went through Mel's mind on the night she stole the Orb of Darkness for him, but he hadn't been expecting the response he had gotten. Yes, he had expected her to be afraid of him. All humans were. However, he hadn't expected her to be attracted to him. Never in a million years would he have expected her to be drawn to him.

Although, now that he thought of it, it actually made sense. It seemed to be a trait that came with being a Darkthrop. He had read Mordred's journals, as well as his son's. They had both mentioned having a similar characteristic. The only difference was that Mordred had fully embraced it, and Tunsten had completely rejected it. Mel appeared to be rather conflicted. A part of her wanted to embrace it, but a part of her also wanted to reject it. At least that was what he assumed.

She also seemed to be convinced that Gyendal had compelled her to do his bidding. While it was true that Vampires did have the ability to compel humans, he knew for a fact that he hadn't used any compulsion on her. She had acted completely of her own free will. For some reason that did not make him feel any better.

Not only did Mel have feelings for him as Spook, but now he learned that she might also have feelings for his real self. She was right. He probably would have laughed at her, had he known that a few months ago. However, after everything that had happened, he found himself unable to laugh at the idea of her being attracted to him because he understood it. As much as it pained him to admit it, he couldn't deny that he had grown attracted to her as well. He was falling for her. How was it even possible? Why did it have to be now, and with the very woman whose life he had once tried to destroy?

"About time you realized it," he heard a strangely familiar voice all of a sudden.

He looked up and there stood the very same girl he had encountered in the forest. It was the girl who had advised him to change his strategy to begin with. She hadn't changed a bit. She still looked oddly familiar to him, and glowed as if she was a ghost, which she was clearly not, seeing as he couldn't see right through her.

"You!" Gyendal roared, getting to his feet. "You knew this would happen!"

Nox snickered. "Why do you think I told you to change your ways? I needed to push the two of you together somehow."

"Why?! Who are you?"

"That's for me to know, and for you to find out."

The strange girl gave Gyendal a wink before she disappeared into thin air again, leaving him even more confused than before. What on earth was he supposed to do now? Did he still want to go through with his plan of luring Mel into fulfilling her destiny? He honestly didn't even know the answer to that question anymore.

[fatherfunston]

All Saints’ Sunday; Sermon, November 4, 2018

This sermon was preached by Archdeacon Charles Pearce

St. Paul’s Episcopal Church

601 Poyntz Avenue, Manhattan, KS

All Saints’ Day Readings

Main Focus Text: John 11.32-44

All of our readings for today point to a contrast between the NOW and the THEN. This world and a new world. Our broken world of pain and death and the new world of eternal life of peace and joy in God and with God.

Our collect for the day asks “that we may come to those ineffable joys that you have prepared for those who truly love you…”

Our reading from Isaiah declares:

And he will destroy on this mountain the shroud that is cast over all peoples, the sheet that is spread over all nations; he will swallow up death forever.

The psalmist sings out:

“Who can ascend the hill of the Lord? and who can stand in his holy place?

…They shall receive a blessing from the Lord and a just reward from the God of their salvation.”

And, John of Patmos, John the Revelator, John the Divine reveals to us what was revealed to him:

“See the home of God is among mortals. 

He will dwell with them as their God;

they will be his peoples,

and God himself will be with them;

he will wipe every tear from their eyes.

Death will be no more;

mourning and crying and pain will be no more,

for the first things have passed away.”

Because we are celebrating combined All Saints day and All Souls day and commemorating those we love but see no more, each of these readings—except for the psalm—are some of those appointed in the Burial Office in The Book of Common Prayer. 

To my ear, each of these readings contains a yearning. A yearning for hope. A yearning for peace. A yearning for justice. A yearning for life. A new life. Abundant life. Throughout eternity.

In our Gospel lesson from John, the Apostle, I hear yearning in Mary’s voice when she approaches Jesus, kneels at his feet and says, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Yearning, and perhaps, a bit of blame for his absence.

Today, we hear a slightly longer reading than that appointed in the Burial Office, but even this longer reading leaves out the first part of the story. The part that’s left out is the part where Jesus hears of his friend’s illness, but doesn’t go to him until two days after the message arrives to him. By the time Jesus returns to Bethany, where Lazarus and his sisters lived, Lazarus has been dead for four days. And, according to John, Jesus knew that Lazarus was dead before he headed back to Bethany. But, Jesus also knew that he would, literally, bring life to Lazarus.

Our reading today also leaves out the part of the story where Martha, upon hearing of Jesus’ arrival, runs to him. I think it’s important to our understanding of this story to hear the dialogue between Jesus and Martha:

“Martha said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ Martha said to him, ‘I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?’ She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’”

Now, I don’t know how to read Greek, so I have to rely on the interpreters and commentators to provide nuances that help me understand more fully what’s going on in these passages. One of the interpretations I read said that the Greek word that Jesus uses when talking to Martha that is translated as “believe” has that meaning, but also carries an additional meaning of trust, along with belief. If we substitute the word “trust” for “believe” in this passage, see how much stronger it becomes:

Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who trust in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and trusts in me will never die. Do you trust this?’ She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I trust you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’”

I imagine a rope bridge before me across a deep chasm. I believe there’s a rope bridge there in front of me, but do I trust it? I believe it because I see it. But, do I trust it enough to get me safely across to the other side? If someone tells me that another person crossed over safely just before I arrived, do I trust it? However, if I see someone else safely cross ahead of me, then, maybe I’ll believe and trust that the bridge will carry me safely, as well.

In a sense, Lazarus is that person who crossed the bridge safely. There were those who saw it—they saw Lazarus emerge from the tomb, still wrapped in his burial cloths, and because they saw it, they could believe and trust that Jesus is the Son of God. Yet, there were other witnesses there that day, who saw, and perhaps believed what they saw, but still didn’t trust. In fact, they not only didn’t trust—this act just furthered their resolve to get rid of Jesus—the sooner the better. And, according to John, there were those who didn’t see, only heard of it, yet came to believe and trust.

In most of the other miracles in the gospels, the miracle is performed by Jesus because that person had faith in him. And, it was their faith that compelled Jesus to respond to them with the compassion that only God can deliver. For instance, last Sunday we heard the story of Bartimeus, the blind beggar, it is his faith that allows him to see again.

In this story of Lazarus, however, no one expresses faith that Jesus can raise him from the dead. Indeed, Martha still seems to express doubt when Jesus tells the people to take away the stone blocking the opening of the tomb. Both Martha and Mary state that had Jesus been there, their brother would not have died. But, was that a statement of fact or faith? Are they stating that they believe Jesus can heal, but, by implication doubt that he can raise the dead? Martha tells Jesus that she does believe that he is the Messiah, the Son of God, but is that also a statement of belief or faith? Or, trust?

Another difference between this miracle and others is that Jesus involves other people, the community, as it were. First, they are told to take away the stone, which they did. Then, Jesus commands Lazarus to come out. And, out he comes. It isn’t clear, at all, how Lazarus came out of that tomb with his hands and feet bound and his face covered, but, I imagine that it was somewhat like a birth with Lazarus somehow slipping out of the tomb head first. And, then Jesus tells them “Unbind him, and let him go.”

Jesus instructs the crowd to participate in and even complete this miracle. Jesus has the power to feed, heal, restore, and, yes, bring to life, and to redeem, and yet he involves us and expects us to complete them. Indeed, the first miracle that Jesus performed of turning water into wine, also involved others. The servants filled the water jars with water at Jesus’ instruction, drew some out and it was wine. In feeding the 5,000, Jesus involves a boy with barely enough food to feed himself and feeds the multitude. In each of these, the people Jesus involved are skeptical and dubious of their abilities to do what to them seems impossible, but with Jesus the impossible happens.

What miraculous things does God intend to do in our communities in us, with us, and through us? We are, after all, the Body of Christ. 

Maybe these things are big, really big, such as ending hunger in our world, or providing shelter for the homeless; so that no one will hunger for food and everyone will have a roof under which to shelter and be safe. Neither of these, by the way, is impossible—big, yes, but impossible, no. Or, maybe miracles that aren’t so big such as visiting the sick and the shut-in. Helping out in the Encore Shop. Being available to someone who’s simply alone and lonely. Helping create a soft space in the Common Room so children will have a bright and cheerful place where they can first learn of God who makes the impossible, possible. Getting up early on a Tuesday morning to come help prepare a meal and offer fellowship to those who are hungry for both. 

Maybe, the miracle is finding in yourself the call to serve at the altar, read from the lectern, help people find seats in the pews and their way through the service. Perhaps the miracle is discerning a call to new ministry—ordained or not. Maybe the miracle is adding a little more to the collection plate to help the victims of disaster.

Okay, maybe you’ll buy that ending hunger here in Manhattan would be or would take a miracle. But, these other things aren’t miracles, are they? They’re just the ordinary things that Christians do day-to-day for each other, aren’t they? Isn’t that just doing good? And, isn’t doing good what we’re supposed to do?

Each time we participate in and help complete God’s miracles, we’re doing God’s will. And, God’s will for us is to do God’s work. It really doesn’t matter the size of the miracle.

Each time we participate in and help complete God’s miracles, we’re bringing this broken world closer to the world God desires for us and that we yearn for. In our prayers we yearn for God’s kingdom to come, God’s will be done, on earth as in heaven. And in our prayers we ask for our daily bread to nurture, sustain, and strengthen us to walk in ways that will bring us to the place and time we yearn for.

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I know that I often feel weak and powerless in the face of the, seemingly, overwhelming needs everywhere I look. I feel inadequate. Alone. I’m guilty of a feeling of not-enough-ness. I say that I believe in the God of abundance, but do I trust that God will provide the strength and resources I need to do God’s will? To reconcile this broken world with God? But, I have to remember, I’m not being called to do any of this by myself. That’s why we’re called together as a church. As the saying goes, “there’s strength in numbers.” We’re a church in order to do great things in the name of God. 

However, how often have we, here at St. Paul’s, operated out of fear of not-enough-ness? That fear derives from trusting or not trusting ourselves, rather than trusting that God is with us and has and will provide for everything we need to do God’s will. We second guess God. We put ourselves in place of God, rather than trusting in God.

That, I think, is the central message of the story of the raising of Lazarus. Trust. God has given us this world in trust to be its stewards. That’s the work God has given us to do: to love God and serve God with gladness and singleness of heart. God’s will for us is to have life “on earth as it is in heaven.” We must trust that the Maker of heaven and earth, creator of all that is, seen and unseen, will guide us, sustain us, and strengthen us to bring about the Kingdom of Heaven. Now and forever.