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bellafemme · 2 years ago

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Billboard interview.

Why Lana Del Rey Is Opening Up About Her Family on ‘Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd’

There is, in fact, a tunnel under Ocean Boulevard. Though a few online spectators suspected the tunnel, which inspired the name of Lana Del Rey’s album Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd, out March 24, might be located in Myrtle Beach, S.C., Del Rey recently revealed that the underground tunnel is actually in Long Beach, Calif. — not far from Los Angeles, where Del Rey has lived for the last six years.

The singer-songwriter’s use of SoCal iconography has been a cornerstone of her songwriting for over a decade, from Born To Die’s (2012) depictions to old Hollywood glamor to Norman Fucking Rockwell’s (2019) allusions to Venice Beach. While it’s present on her new project as well, Del Rey admits she is not quite as focused on “world building” as she once was, and instead is “living from the neck up,” focusing her craft on more lyrically driven and intimate songwriting.

Del Rey’s Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd discusses unrevealed details and stories about her “family of origin,” especially in songs like “Fingertips,” which she says “tells everything about everyone from day one.” Just weeks before its release, Del Rey – who is Billboard’s 2023 Women in Music Visionary honoree — talks about creating the album in her living room, and why she is ready to talk about her family.

How did your new album begin to take shape?

Mike Hermosa, who produced the majority of the songs on this album, would come over to my house, and I would hear him in my living room playing piano. He’s not even a musician full time. He’s a DP, a cameraman. I would hear him play, and I’d be like “can I record that?” or I’d sneakily record something. Eventually I asked if he could just keep playing, and I could sing. Then, every Sunday when he wasn’t working, he would just kind of noodle around, and I would sing. That’s how we wrote the first song: “Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd.” I knew right away that I really, really liked it. I enjoyed how casual writing with Mike was. He didn’t have a dog in the race. He wasn’t interested in anything beyond just playing. It’s fun that the entire album didn’t feel like we were making one until the end when Jack Antonoff came in and was like “I really like this. Can I put something on top of this?” When Jack comes in, you know you’re making a real record.

Do you feel this casual approach to songwriting was able to open you up creatively?

This process was almost like automatic singing. I just knew exactly every word to sing for everything he played because the chords were perfectly arranged. I think my overall feeling when writing this album was just, “wow, I got lucky.” Also, I realized that, even when I’m seeking so many other things in my life, music really seeks me. It’s like a little bird following me around. Somehow when I didn’t want to make music, I was presented with the best collaborators I’ve met. I just had them in my living room. I realized music is the one thing that constantly shows up for me, even when I’m looking for something else.

Since you were singing so automatically, as you put it, did you go back and edit, or did you leave it as is?

There was a lot of editing, because it was mostly a stream of consciousness, but every now and then I’ll have a complete song come to me fully formed. The song “Fingertips” I created in one sitting, voice memoed it, and sent it to [the producer and composer] Drew Erickson. He came back to me the next day with a full orchestra. Again, I just felt so lucky: lucky for the songs, lucky for these producers, lucky for the project.

You have Jack Antonoff coming back on this record. He’s worked on so many major albums in the last five years, including two of your own (Norman Fucking Rockwell and Chemtrails Over the Country Club). As someone who has worked with him so often, what’s his secret? Why does everyone want to work with him?

He can play anything on any instrument. He can fit the right instruments and melodies to any idea you’ve had. I think he plays something like 16 instruments. For us, it’s definitely very collaborative. I think probably out of any projects he’s worked on, he would say I give him the most direction. It’s funny because I recently heard all of his records he made from when he was in high school, and I still hear so much of what he’s done on Taylor [Swift]’s new record from that high school record. He’s just prolific. It’s absolutely wild to watch. That’s why it’s so fun because you really get to create any sound with him. He’s also a girl’s guy. He gets it!

He’s also a featured artist on the album too. How did that come about?

I was done with the album, and he came in for a couple days. We sat there, and I said, “let’s just play the piano.” I can make a song out of anything Jack plays. That’s actually how Norman got started too. He just plays and I just sing. He started playing something and then I was thinking about his fiancée [Margaret Qualley] who I just can’t live without! I love her. I started singing “he met Margaret on a rooftop / she was wearing white / and he was like / ‘I might be in trouble.’” I asked him what he thought we should say in the second verse because with him and Margaret it was a “when you know you know” situation. He had the idea to sing about what you should do when you don’t know. He started singing, and I told him he should just sing it on the record. It was really fun.

What overall themes did you try to capture in this record?

Family of origin is the overall theme. I think with Blue Banisters I wanted to capture this idea too, but I flew it under the radar. I was trying to address some criticisms that I had heard said after Chemtrials… mostly that people don’t know much about me. I didn’t promote that theme of Blue Banisters at all intentionally. In this album, I got to really finish my thoughts and get super specific, which I was not comfortable with completely before… I do list my grandpa, my brother, my dad, my Uncle Dave. In the song “Fingertips,” I sing “Charlie stop smoking / Caroline will you be with me / will the baby be alright? / Will I have one of mine?” I think I was able to open up about this because Mike was so casual to work with. All in my living room. It allowed for that. “Fingertips” tells everything about everyone from day one until now.

Are you nervous about being so forthcoming about your family in this record?

I was. I was so uncomfortable. Then, by the grace of God, I felt completely unburdened.

Your father, Rob Grant, is releasing an album on Decca Records on June 9, and you’ll be featured on two songs. Has he always been musical?

My dad has always played piano and he sang when he was younger with my uncle who’s a traveling organ player for Emmylou Harris and Buddy Guy. They wrote country records back in the day. I don’t know how and when it came to him. But I think he just decided he wanted to record it. And [my manager] played it for Decca Records, and they loved it. I’m not talkative when it comes to myself, but you will learn so much about me in hearing him. It gives so much context to the family.

How Lana Del Rey Became ‘Completely Unburdened’ For Her Most Personal Material Yet

Lana Del Rey practices "automatic singing." Using the improvisational songwriting technique, she lets her voice carry over accompaniments, not commandeering where her words or melodies take her, accepting all ideas she has in the moment and editing them later. Lately, her voice has led her home, back to memories of her childhood in Lake Placid, N.Y., and to ruminations on relationships with her family and the divergent paths they’ve taken. That subject underpins her upcoming ninth album, Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd (out March 24). Del Rey, 37, says she hesitantly began to unpack this subject matter with her previous album, Blue Banisters — but now, she’s ready to dig deeper. “At first I was so uncomfortable,” she says of the more personal material. “Then, by the grace of God, I just felt completely unburdened.” As a singer-songwriter, this year’s Visionary honoree has embodied that word for over a decade. Her 2012 major-label debut, Born To Die, made her a star and defined music’s Tumblr era, as a young Del Rey toyed with both the romantic and the darker sides of the American dream. Her “world building,” as she calls it now, for her early work created a collage of beautiful and disparate images, pairing hip-hop aesthetics with references to the Kennedy family, Elvis Presley with John Wayne, and old Hollywood glamour with biker gang grit.

Since then, Del Rey has pushed musical boundaries — seamlessly peppering an album with features from Stevie Nicks to Playboi Carti (2017’s Lust for Life), reworking a Sublime cover into a contemporary Billboard Hot 100 hit (2019’s “Doin’ Time”), for instance — while achieving both critical acclaim and commercial success. She has earned six Grammy nominations and holds the record for most No. 1s on Billboard’s Alternative Albums chart. And somehow, each week, it seems a new song from her vast catalog gains traction on TikTok. (“West Coast” and “How To Disappear” are two recent breakouts.) Younger artists often cite her as an inspiration — including Billie Eilish, whom Del Rey now calls “my girl. It makes me feel comforted that music is going in such a good direction.”

Since 2019, you’ve released four albums. Is it fair to say you have more creative energy than ever?

I think it might look like that! It’s funny because I keep telling people, “I haven’t worked in three years,” but really I just haven’t done shows in three years. As soon as I start getting ready for a show, that’s when it feels like work.

How has your process changed since Born To Die came out?

Eleven years ago I wanted it to be so good. Now, I just sing exactly what I’m thinking. I’m thinking a little less big and bombastic. Maybe at some point I can have fun creating a world again, but right now, I would say there’s no world building. This music is about thought processing. It’s very, very wordy. I’m definitely living from the neck up.

Can you remember what it felt like creatively when you were just starting out?

I think back to the beginning, being in New York. I would just go to a little deli by Grand Central and all you had to do to sit at the table for hours was buy a black coffee. I remember thinking, “I’m doing it. I’m living it.” It was all very thrilling. I was so psyched back then.

You recently featured on Taylor Swift’s “Snow on the Beach.” What was collaborating with her like?

Well, first of all, I had no idea I was the only feature [on that song]. Had I known, I would have sung the entire second verse like she wanted. My job as a feature on a big artist’s album is to make sure I help add to the production of the song, so I was more focused on the production. She was very adamant that she wanted me to be on the album, and I really liked that song. I thought it was nice to be able to bridge that world, since Jack [Antonoff] and I work together and so do Jack and Taylor.

Who do you consider to be a visionary?

Joan Baez. I sang with her recently. She gave me a challenge: She said, “Go down a little road and look for a left turn and find my house [in Northern California]. If you find it and can play ‘Diamonds and Rust’s’ high harmony, I’ll come to Berkeley with you and sing.” So my sister and I rented a car and searched for the house. I was very nervous. I don’t play guitar that well, but I learned the first three chords and sat across from her, [and when] we stopped playing, she was like, “Great, I’ll see you at Berkeley.” And another visionary to me is Cat Power. I had heard that she would run offstage when she wasn’t feeling it or just turn her back to the [audience] and keep playing. That’s when I knew I could probably do this.

#lana del rey

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alackofghosts · 1 year ago

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a little while ago @crackinthecup tagged me in this bookish meme, which i have been saving for a rainy day - apparently a very literally rainy day in this case. thank you friend, i do so enjoy rambling about books <3 also tagging @hong-ara, @gloriousmonsters, @fatalism-and-villainy if you guys fancy having a go at it (and anyone else who wants to, i love reading others' opinions on books too)

An estimate of how many physical books I own: um. at least 2000. mom did some inventory once all the way back in 2006, and this was the point at which she got bored of it. i have always lived in a library and even though that many books has certainly been a nuisance, i also find it difficult to imagine a living space without them

Favorite author: honestly a weirdly difficult question. i feel like while i do read a lot for the style of prose, i don't very often go on a frenzy to read everything by the same author. but of course you all know my deep and abiding love for richard brautigan and lately i've been so obsessed with mary oliver. ...picking poets for this is easier :')

continued under the cut

A popular book I’ve never read and never intend to read: it feels funny to say this because i have literally not even once encountered talk of this author on tumblr Organically - which tends to be my benchmark for popularity - but seeing as she's all over every other bookish corner of the internet: i have absolutely no desire whatsoever to read anything by colleen hoover

A popular book I thought was just meh: WHERE DO I BEGIN... i've talked about some of these before but a new(er) addition to this list is in the dream house by carmen maria machado which ONCE AGAIN i feel so bad for not being wildly into! i think it's mostly due to the fact that internet at large painted such an interesting picture of it in terms of viewing ones own life/instance of abuse through the lens of different genres/tropes, but actually reading it, each segment was so short and the stylistic exploration didn't really come through. like it wasn't a bad book by any means and certainly covered an important topic and one that people generally shy away from, just. not at all what i expected it to be.

i tend to pick books based on genre and maybe like top few lines of the summary so i can't conjure up expectations, and obviously with popular books that's somewhat unavoidable :')

Longest book I own: extremely boring answer but my dad's bought a bunch of those 1001 books/movies you need to see before you die compilation books over the years and those all hover around the 1000 page mark

Longest series I own all the books to: if we mean series in terms of consistent cast/story, then i think it's the saga of darren shan by... darren shan, which has 12 books that i absolutely devoured when i was 13. otherwise, while i don't own every single goosebumps book (by rl stine), i do have most of them. i was very obsessed when i was 11-12 - these were actually the first books i ever read in english!

Prettiest book I own: um. honestly no clue, my family has never been one to buy books for the covers or for the special edition-ness and even now i feel like i can't picture any of them in my mind lol

A book or series I wish more people knew about: green bone saga by fonda lee!!! ...though again this might be down to the metric i use to gauge popularity, but even so! it has such wonderful worldbuilding and intricate family dynamics and even though i have big big book fear, i practically devoured them

Book I’m reading now: the silence of the white city by eva garcia saenze de urturi. it's pretty good so far! i've had such a year of thrillers and mysteries, i feel

Book that’s been on my TBR list for a while but I still haven’t got around to it: ...ancillary justice by ann leckie. i've started it a couple of times, but the Stars Were Not Aligned on those days. so i wait.

Do you have any books in a language other than English: most of the books i have are in estonian, actually. there's a pretty decent amount in english (mostly due to me...), and a small handful in swedish and finnish.

And lastly, paperback, hardcover or ebook? eboooook. often when i read an ebook i find myself daydreaming of a physical book, but then when i actually read one i find myself getting so irritated by not being able to find a comfy position lol. i also really love audiobooks, for the multitasking value...

#long post #meme tag #book chatter tag

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darksynkka · 6 months ago

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Dark Urge ask game questions by @daemon-in-my-head

Past Life Dark Urge Asks - Edition 1

Will be answering for my durge Anirin all at once for character backstory reasons.

My pre-game screenshots of Anirin

plus my awful sketches of him

1. Do they miss their adoptive family? Why or why not?

Anirin refuses to say so, but he does. Especially his sister Anya Felbrack (he called her “Nana” when she was born, and it was her nickname until the day she died). He never did let anyone close after their deaths. Not until Gortash came along and sort of forced him out of his shell kicking and screaming.

2. Did they keep anything from their old family and home? A memento or a skill perhaps?

While deep down a sentimental guy, Anirin kept nothing from his old home, not even his own name. He told himself it was to cut ties when in reality, it was out of shame.

3. When Sceleritas fetched them from their comfortable home, what did they do on their journeys? Did they take on any jobs?

He lived on the streets for a while, fending for himself. It wasn’t just his family that he was made to kill but his old friends and their families too. Bhaal made sure that he well and truly had no one. His pre-tadpole backstory is still a bit of a WIP but I do think he got into, at least, SOME trouble with the Fists and the Guild.

4. Do they speak casually or do they try to adorn their speech with frills? Do they maybe even dare to curse?

Anirin was always a bit of a wordsmith (though it mostly comes out in his writing), and he always had some interest in the bardic arts, though that was beaten out of him pretty early. Pre-tadpole, he always spoke more formally though he’s a bit more relaxed around Gortash. Cursing, though, is something he only does when he’s really, really pissed off.

5. What was their relationship with Sceleritas like? Did they like their ever-adoring butler or did they try to run from the most wretched mother hen?

In his childhood, once his fear of Sceleritas subsided, he clung to the butler as a sort of replacement-mom. After killing his family, he was alone and afraid and ashamed of what he’d done and Sceleritas knew exactly how to capitalize on that. As he became an adult, however, the butler’s endless babying started to really grate against his nerves, and Anirin started to feel more and more patronized.

Long story short, as a child, Anirin loved his ever-adoring butler. As an adult, he felt suffocated by him and started to view him like a childhood toy he’d long outgrown but couldn’t bring himself to throw away.

6. Bhaal loves money; did your Durge inherit that trait? Do they enjoy luxuries or try to live a frugal life, giving their all for their temple?

He lives a very minimalist and utilitarian lifestyle, believing that everything he has must go to the temple. He didn’t even eat real food until Gortash kind of forced him to.

7. Did they have any connections or companions outside of the local underworld? If so, what were those connections like and if not, why?

I’m not sure about connections but he did do business with the Guild a lot. They had an arrangement to stay out of each other’s way and even employ each other’s services every once in a while.

8. What was their relationship with Orin like? Did it change at some point?

His relationship with Orin is, in a word, complicated. Anirin is significantly older than Orin and even if he refused to get close to her for a time, he still had a hand in raising her. He cared about Orin, he really did, in the same way you might care about a much younger cousin. But he still kept her at arms-length for the most part (still closer than he’d allowed anyone else at that time). He’s still too wounded from being made to murder his adopted sister to allow himself a real relationship with Orin. Though he did attempt to comfort her after the one time she tried to resist Bhaal’s influence went awry by teaching her how to perform a proper vivisection (she’d been dissecting animals for a while now). It’s not much but it was a genuine attempt to bond with her and Orin did understand this. They had a close relationship after that until Gortash came along and, in Orin’s mind, stole Anirin away from her.

9. What would a typical meeting of the chosen have looked like when your Durge attended?

Anirin has always been a man of few words. He’s usually content to listen and observe while Gortash leads the meeting. However, he WILL snap and put you in your place if you insult Gortash in any way. And that place might be six feet under.

10. Gortash seemed to have admired Durge, what did they do to deserve this admiration? Did they have any notable personality traits or did they impress him in some other way?

They both admired each other for their minds. Anirin is a good temple head but a terrible bhaalist. He’s much more similar to a banite in terms of attitude and world view. Pre-tadpole Anirin is cold, brutal, efficient and only speaks when necessary. Gortash likes that about him.

11. The other cultists. How did your Durge view them? Did they enjoy their following or did they dread being idolised?

Anirin himself did not enjoy being worshipped. Only Bhaal, the true lord of murder, should be worshipped. Anirin is merely an extension of his will.

12. Durge gave a gold coin to a beggar once; why did they do it? Did this occur regularly?

He grew up in poverty. Experienced homelessness. He knows exactly what it’s like to be on your last legs and have no one bother to help you. No one had given HIM any coins when HE needed it. Ngl, I don’t think he truly knows why he did it. I think he just saw someone who reminded him of himself and felt empathy.

13. Orin has her faithful group of changelings. Did your Durge have a similar 'personal guard' or task force at their back and call?

He had his personal assassins mainly for picking out targets and bringing them to the temple. Anirin didn’t get out of the temple much.

14. Durge famously acted as an assassin in the last decade or so. What was that like? Did they plan everything out meticulously, or did they act spontaneously and on whims?

For the most part, Anirin’s end goal was to make the Temple of Bhaal into a legitimate assassin’s guild and for murders in Bhaal’s name to be legally sanctioned (sort of like the Morag Tong in The Elder Scrolls) before slowly but surely killing the whole world like his father planned. He would intimidate patriars and aristocrats into paying the Bhaal temple protection money (he calls it “tithing”) and insisted that “important” people not be touched to keep the authorities from asking too many questions. But sometimes… some hapless fisherman reminds him a little too much of his adopted father or some young blonde girl looks too much like his adopted sister. Anirin rarely kills on a whim but when he’s reminded too much of his lost family, he can’t help himself.

15. Bhaal handcrafted Durge. Do they enjoy and worship their appearance, or did they have a rebellious phase, trying their best to change their Lord Father's grand design?

He thinks personal vanity is a waste of time and believes that anything that doesn’t directly serve Bhaal is pointless. He didn’t even bother with personal hygiene all that much until he started attending balls and parties with Gortash. For once, Anirin looked pretty, and he liked it. He started taking care of himself again after that because Gortash gave him a reason to want to.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #dark urge #the dark urge #dark urge ask game #oc: anirin

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clericofshadows · 2 years ago

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late night conversations

Description: Up late at night and unable to sleep, Regis runs into Ashley, and they have a conversation about many things.

Context: Takes place sometime after something to look forward to but probably can be read without reading it beforehand. It gives context to some of the conversations in the fic. Picture mostly here for flavor. I was going to reinstall my flycam mod to get a picture of them in conversation... but I misplaced my edited Coalesced so here’s this instead.

Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/Regis Shepard

Warnings: None, although Regis does not have a high opinion of Vakarian, and discusses why he chose not to recruit him.

“Can’t sleep?” Ashley asked as she joined him at the mess table, sitting across from him.

“Side effects of my L2 implants. Kaidan gets debilitating migraines, and while I do as well, I also get bouts of insomnia.” Regis sighed, tapping his fingers on the table. “What has you up late?”

She turned away from him. “Nightmares.” She didn’t elaborate, nor did Regis ask her to. If she wanted to talk, Regis would gladly oblige, but he could tell by her curt tone she was done talking about it.

Regis nodded. “We’ve seen some shit these past few missions. I’m here if you need me.”

“I know. You are a damn good CO, Shepard.”

“Thank you.” He cleared his throat, not really knowing how to respond to the compliment. “Want some tea?” He gestured over to the kitchenette. “It helps me.”

She shrugged. “Sure. I’ve never been much of a tea drinker but who am I to pass up an opportunity for you to do something for me.”

Regis rolled his eyes as he stood up from the table. “Well, you’ve never had my tea before, so maybe I’ll change your mind.”

He leaned against the counter after grabbing and preparing his preferred blend for nighttime relaxation, waiting for the water to boil. She joined him, crossing her arms against her chest. “I’m surprised Alenko didn’t come out with you.”

Regis smiled, setting out two mugs. “He’s a heavy sleeper, but if I don’t come back to bed in a bit, I wouldn’t be surprised if he pings my omni tool.” “Probably wondering why you didn’t just wake him up in the first place.”

“Yeah, well, I hate to disturb his rest. It’s a point we agree to disagree on.”

“I swear you two act like newlyweds, but haven’t you been together for a long time?” Ashley asked.

“Ten years, give or take, but this is the first time in a while we’ve been together for an extended period of time,” Regis said, taking the kettle and pouring the water in the mugs. “Got together a few years after biotic training, joined the Alliance together, and now we’re here.”

“Damn. I’ll get the full story out of you eventually.” She whistled.

“Maybe after I’ve gotten some sleep.” Regis huffed out a laugh. “We’ve been there for each other for so long, and while the Alliance definitely complicated things, we were able to power through it.”

“And now you’re here, abusing your Spectre benefits so you two can share a bed together,” she echoed, nudging his arm. “I would offer to go ring shopping with you, but something tells me you already have that figured out.”

Regis pulled out his dog tags from underneath his sweater. “I do.”

A black tungsten band with tree branch engravings rested next to his dog tags on the chain. Originally belonging to his father, it was one of the few things Regis had of his.

Atlas Shepard died in a freak shuttle accident before Regis was born, and he mourned the loss of what could’ve been. His father was earthborn, something Regis wished he was able to claim.

Instead, he was born in space on his mother’s ship, and rarely was able to spend time on Earth with his father’s family.

He took off the chain and handed it to her. “It’s beautiful,” she said. “I think it would fit him well.”

“Thank you. It belonged to my father,” Regis explained, taking the chain back from her. “He died before I was born, but my mother gave me his ring when I turned eighteen. He always kept his actual ring safe with her, even when they were apart, going for the tattooed option instead. I’ve worn it on me ever since.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she said. “I didn’t know.”

He shrugged, moving to remove the tea bags from the mugs. “It’s not something I talk about much, so don’t worry about it. Even the scarves that Kaidan and I wear are because of him, something he put on his own armor to set himself apart.”

He held out a mug to her. She took it with a smile.

“I would offer to give you a hug, but I’m not sure it’s something you want.”

Regis pulled her into a side hug. “I appreciate the thought, now try your tea.”

She took a sip after squeezing him back. “Not bad, Skipper.”

“Thank you.” He replied, taking a long sip of his. Just what he needed. A warm drink with a friend.

“You can tell me to fuck off if I’m overstepping, but are those tattoos on your right arm because of that ring?” She asked after a moment of silence.

He nodded. “Yeah. Based on the Yggdrasil tree. Makes me feel like I’m connected to Earth and to him.”

“Just like the scarf, so you could connect yourself to LT and to your dad,” She observed. “Making him part of your family.”

“And one day I’ll order you a scarf and make you a part of it officially,” he said, smirking at how she nearly choked on her tea.

“Seriously?” She asked, hesitant, after clearing her throat and setting down the mug.

“Of course. You are part of my crew, and I’d like to consider you a friend.”

“You really do care,” she smiled. If he looked closely, perhaps he could see a little wetness gathering around her eyes. He chose to ignore it.

“Black and blue would look good,” he continued. “I’ll see to it after this mission is done. Maybe even get you a nice, requisitioned set of gear since I’m also recommending you for the N program.”

She blinked a few times in surprise. “I need to sit down,” she said, walking back over to the table. “Why? Why all this for me?”

“Because you are a damn good soldier who doesn’t deserve the shit you’ve been given. If my word can help you climb out of the hole, then why shouldn’t I give you that chance? Your marksman scores rival my own, you work excellent under pressure, and you’ve grown to work well with a diverse team. As your CO, it’s an obvious decision,” Regis explained, rejoining her at the table. “I don’t do this lightly, as I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of my teaching days. You’ve earned it.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath. “God, Shepard, you really know how to catch someone off guard. And in the middle of the night? I’ll be more coherent about this after I’ve slept on it.”

“But do you accept it?” Regis asked. “I am sorry for springing this on you, but it’s something I’ve been preparing for a while. Anderson is also backing me on this.”

She blinked a few times before breaking out into a smile. “Hell yeah I accept, but give me time to really think about it, y’know?”

“As much time as you need.”

Ashley finished off her tea, pushing the mug to the side. “This was not how I expected this conversation to go.”

Regis chuckled. “Well, how did you think it was going to go?”

“Thought I was going to get more juicy Shepard secrets out of you, but instead you render me speechless.”

“Well, I’ll let you ask another question. Maybe two.” He winked, finishing his tea. “It’s only fair since I’ve learned a lot about you and your family. Ask away.”

She glanced down at the dog tags still resting against his sweater. "You know, I'm curious. Why didn't you recruit that C-Sec officer, Vakarian?"

With the way she kept glancing at his dog tags, he didn't expect her to go down that route, but it was a valid question. “I had a hunch about him that I didn’t like. Way too insistent he was right about Saren but had fuck all to prove it. After gaining my status and grabbing Tali and Wrex, I realized I never followed through on his lead. So, I used my status to access his file, see what kind of officer he was.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t like what you saw.”

“No. Evidence tampering, witness coercion. Hell, even assault, among other things. A loose cannon like that on my crew? He would see justice as a means to an end, any way necessary,” Regis explained, shaking his head. “Disappointing, but ultimately, I saw him as a liability. If he can’t handle the rules of C-Sec, I doubt he would have followed my orders in the end.”

“He probably just heard ‘Butcher of Torfan’ and thought you would be all for it,” she said.

“I never made that decision lightly.” He looked away. “I embraced it, but it has pinned me as someone who will get the job done, no matter the cost. While that may be true sometimes, it’s something I try to avoid.” He sighed. “Yes, I imagine he had a certain image of me.”

“I gave the order knowing damn well it was the only way out. I took the fall so everyone else would survive, while I became the monster. The demon. The Butcher. But the families of the dead know what I did for them, what I sacrificed to make sure they got what they deserved, to ensure their loved ones died with honor and not the shame of my order. The thing is? I wasn’t the only one in support of it, but I made damn sure that the Alliance thought it was only me. And look what it gave me. Scars, a path to N7, and a title that makes my mother hate me even more.”

Regis ranted to Kaidan after the events and trials of Torfan, hoping the other man would understand why he did what he did. What it did to him. Kaidan listened and continued to support him, despite everything.

The promise to have each other’s back was not about to be broken that day.

“You’re a good man, Shepard. Don’t let that title force you into being something else. I’ve seen the way you think, and I can tell you weigh all the options before jumping in. It’s what I respect about you,” she said, finishing off her tea. “Sorry for bringing it up.” More surprised she hadn’t already brought it up, he waved it off.

“Go on, ask what you really wanted to ask. Don’t think I didn’t see you looking at my tags,” Regis said, teasing a little.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, but you asked for it. Do you ever worry about losing that ring if something were to happen?”

He raised an eyebrow, surprised she went there of all places, but he obliged. “Sometimes. I don’t like the idea of dying somewhere I cannot be retrieved, but once I had this ring, I didn’t want to part with it. Then, once Kaidan and I made it official, I knew I wanted to give it to him one day. Either way, if something does happen, he’s the one that ends up with everything of mine. I just hope it never comes to that.”

“Thank you for telling me that, I guess I was just wondering how you thought about the ‘what ifs.’ Not sure what came over me there.” She rubbed at her neck, looking a little embarrassed.

Regis took a stab at it. “Might it have something to do with your nightmare?”

“Maybe.” She sighed and stood up from the table. “I really need to try and get some more sleep. You should too.”

He could guess about what it was really about. She’s the sole survivor of her squad on Eden Prime. No time to give them the respect they deserved. Some even put into research to find out what the geth were capable of and how to defend against it.

Regis did not want that to be his fate. An experiment. He remembered the look Ashley gave him when he ensured Bhatia got his wife’s body back. One of surprise and respect, probably thinking he would’ve instead denied the man’s request.

Would it have helped the Alliance? Likely.

At that moment? Regis did not care for what the Alliance wanted.

“Yes, he definitely should. Love, get your ass back to bed, please.” Kaidan emerged from his quarters, his hair mussed up and curling, looking more than a little annoyed.

Oops.

Ashley laughed. “Told you so! Good talk, Shepard. Next time, let’s do it at a more reasonable time.”

“I make no promises,” he said, moving to put the mugs in the sink to be dealt with later. “Good night, Ash.”

She nodded and headed back to the crew quarters.

Kaidan stood outside the door with his arms crossed. “Told you to wake me.”

“And you know I never will, Kaidan.” Regis yawned. “Shit, it’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

“Whose fault is that?” Kaidan reentered their quarters; Regis followed behind him.

“My damn implant’s.” Regis muttered, removing his sweater and his fatigues, leaving him in his boxers.

Kaidan rolled his eyes, deftly removing his uniform and crawling back under the covers. “In any case, did you have a good talk with Ashley?”

Regis settled in next to him, putting Kaidan’s arm around him, snuggling in close. “Yeah. Told her about the N recommendation, among other things.”

“Hmm. How did she take it?” Kaidan asked, holding Regis tightly. Clingy bastard.

“Shocked but well overall. I really do think she has the potential to succeed in the program.”

“I agree. Now, go to sleep, Regis.”

“You do too, you know.”

“Yes, love.”

“You’re ignoring me, aren’t you.”

“Because I want you to get some sleep. Need me to grab your meds?” Kaidan turned around to face him, cupping Regis’s face in his hand. “I just worry about you.”

A part of Regis wanted to go ahead and just give Kaidan the ring right then and there, wrapped up in his love and support, but he wanted to do it in front of their family, surrounded by their friends and loved ones.

Regis leaned into the touch. “I know. I’ll be fine.”

“Right. Next time, wake me.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. That’s not a yes.”

“It’s not a no!” Regis smiled and yawned once again. “Alright fine, I’ll get some sleep.” He leaned in and pecked Kaidan on the lips.

They wrapped their arms around each other, and soon Regis fell asleep listening to his lover’s breathing, content within his arms.

#regis shepard #mass effect #mshenko #ashley williams #cleric's writing #mass effect fanfiction #good conversations were had but sprinkled with by usual tragic implications :)#i swear it hurts me too #kaidan alenko

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esculentevil · 1 year ago

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A few years ago, @thorinduil made a post asking “which songs make you think about Thorin, Thranduil and the Thorinduil pairing?” Last year, I answered them via reblog and then kept adding to it as I remembered/thought of more songs... Instead of reblogging THAT reblog for its one year anniversary, I decided to post my answers separately, here, and just update THIS list, instead, from now on. SO! Basically: My Thorinduil Playlist~ xD

"Walk Through the Fire" by Zayde Wolf feat. Ruelle

Also “Young and Beautiful” by Lana del Rey which I literally wrote a fic about.

And “Famous Last Words” by My Chemical Romance; perfect for survivor!Duil

Fuuu!!! “Poison” by Alice Cooper!!! Jive, how did I forget that one? Thank my mate, everyone; s/he reminded me rofl while we RPed

Rediscovered “Empire” by Shakira and think it’d fit them perfectly~

“Steady, as She Goes” by The Raconteurs has major wait too long vibes which, seriously, is 100% Thorinduil (especially since Thorin dies with his glue blood...); altho I’ll admit this one only occurred to me cuz it’s in my mate and I’s playlist and, like with Poison, we were talking about these two yet again lmfao and also this fanvideo which got me thinking of S,aSG halfway through it so... yea

AND “I Don't Care” by Apocalyptica ‘cause it fits/these both reminded me I love it

“I hate U, I love U” by Gnash ft. Olivia O'Brien: this is literally their love story

Perhaps strangely, I think “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” by Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, and Dave Stewart would work for them--especially Thorin

“Gingerbread Man” by Melanie Martinez; partly because of this video; but also because of the climax of the song not shown in that edit (which is a real shame cuz that was sort of the part that sealed it for me and got me to add it to this list): Thranduil is so the icing on Thorin and Thorin’s so the crumbs on Thranduil and they’re 100% loving hard, fighting, breaking, and eating each other into nothing

“I Want To **** You Like An Animal” by Nine Inch Nails; for obvious reasons

“I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meat Loaf because, legit, that’s just Thranduil on top of that cliff refusing to throw away his people/family

“Say Something” by A Great Big World because acesout is right

“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors because, after writing “Once I trusted/relied on/believed in you and you let me down” and “Once I had hopes that we could build something beautiful together but reality reminded me that I’m old and ugly and not good enough (for you) so I thought it best to let you go when I should’ve held you” in this and reading acesout’s post linked above and realizing it’s true... I just want to see/read them holding onto each other like this v.v They deserve it.

“Rude Boy” by Rihanna and probably also “Only Girl in the World” by her, too; actually, “We Found Love” ft. Calvin Harris and “Diamonds” and “Stay” ... Huh... Rihanna actually has a LOT of songs perfect for them... their whole love story...

“Enemies” by Lauv because the sentiment is so them.

“Fire” by Wang Yibo because this romance is ALL about playing with fire~

“Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows cuz it’s literally what happened

“Not Another Song About Love” by Hollywood Ending because, seriously, everything about this song is them: they hate everything about each other while also needing everything about each other and wanting each other’s love ‘til it all runs out ‘cause they’re all that each other’ve been dreaming of~

“I'm Not Afraid” by Tommee Profitt ft. Wondra but mostly just the first part/verse; the rest of it strikes me more as Thranduil fighting depression/Sauron’s shadow while knowing he’s not only lost Thorin as a lover but gained him as an enemy...

“Locked Away” by R. City ft. Adam Levine cuz it’s literally Thorin losing it all--from mountain to crown to gold--and yet not getting that Thranduil locking him up IS him sticking with him, by his side, and grounding him through the goldlust

“Baby Love” by The Supremes because Mizugetsu on YT is a folking genius and I always liked this song anyway--also, it just really fits them rofl and their story

“Teeth” by 5 Seconds of Summer: the “dangerous beauty/love to hate” vibes just work and the simp!Thorin feels--@lady-astria and I were just talking about this!

“Always” by Saliva because there’s nothing unThorin[duil] about it; it’s all them (especially, I think, from Thorin’s POV post-Smaug straight up to BotFA)

“Kiss from a Rose” by Seal because “my power, my pleasure, my shame” period. But also it really does sound like Thorin singing about Thranduil, his lit rose.

"Let Her Go” by Passenger; because sometimes you only know you love him when you turn away from him and his burning home to protect your own... or when you’re dying with a hole in your chest and finally UNDERSTAND WHY your One did that and finally stop hating him for it... because you never did.

“Unconditionally” by Katy Perry because it sounds like Thorin (mostly) and Thranduil grappling with their surprisingly deep love for each other as well as their inability to trust each other after all the betrayals they’ve suffered through; this song is what I think would happen if Thorin just admitted Thranduil was right and a good king for not asking his people to die for the dwarves that ignored him—and if Thorin’s love for Thranduil were stronger than his need to be number 1 or to horde and covet literally everything including Thranduil’s love and attention.

“A Sky Full Of Stars” by Coldplay because, in the canon, Thorin IS this to Duil and Thranduil WAS this to Thorin and every night he sees him there still

“Gravity” by Sara Bareilles; because something always brings them back together—it never takes too long—and they’re always there for each other... even when they’re gone

“A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri because it’s literally reincarnated!Thorin with Never-Sailed!Thranduil forever waiting for his love(s)’s return~

“Broken” by Lifehouse because Thranduil’s still holding post-canon; and, truly, they were both holding onto each other before all that even if they won’t admit it

#thranduil #thorin #thorinduil #thoranduil #thorin/thranduil #thorin x thranduil #the hobbit #reply post #mythoughts #headcanon #spilled ink #love #love/hate #unrequited love #song #1yrlater

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dari-ede · 2 years ago

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In the Middle of the Night: Ch 23 (M)

Chapter 23: "자꾸 멀어져가" [jakku meoleojyeoga]

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Summary: As Bangtan prepares for a new chapter in their lives, they head to their private property in the forest for a songwriting workshop. As a songwriter and producer they have worked with for years, I’m asked to tag along. I was ready for the heavy workload and small amount of sleep during the workshop week. However, I wasn’t ready for the storm that came that changed my friendship with Namjoon forever.

Genre: Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Smut

Pairing: Idol!Namjoon x Female Reader

Rating: M (language, explicit sexual scene)

Status: COMPLETE

Trigger warnings: familial problems, sexual assault scene (once again, this will have a ***** at the beginning and end), mother-daughter issues, misunderstandings

Warning/spoilers: anal, fingering

********

NOTE: First and foremost, Happy Indigo Day!!!! Don’t forget to stream/listen/buy “Indigo”! 🥰💜💜💜

Second, I'm sorry to inform you that this will be the last weekly chapter I post this month. I've fallen behind on this story due to the crazy holidays (work tends to double around this time). There is a lot I have to work on and I would rather not rush as I have been lately. There are seven chapters left (they’re mostly finished but need heavy editing), so I want to ensure I take my time with them. Plus, I have another short story I’m working on that I want to take care of first (“Seven Times I Hated Kim Seokjin”). I think I’ll be able to release one more chapter of ITMOTN in December but I won't make any promises. I’m hoping to be back to posting weekly by the beginning of the new year.

On a positive note, this chapter is a long one. Enjoy!

_______________

-Early December-

“You do have a beautiful home, Mai-Mai,” Hoseok said as he stared into the ocean.

Hoseok, Yoongi, Taehyung, and I were all sitting in the backyard of my home. They were done with their shows and had officially started their vacation. Jin, Jimin, and Jungkook had already flown back to Seoul, the rest were staying in the States for a little longer to enjoy some of their time off. Tae and Hobi were flying out first thing in the morning with their families for their vacation while Yoongi would be staying behind alone in California. Namjoon was also set to leave tomorrow with Hakun and Yongrae and another friend of ours. They were going to be visiting several museums in the States; the trip they had been planning for months.

I was putting on a brave face. Namjoon and I were going to be separated once again. Only this time, it was going to be for much longer. I wasn’t set to go back to Korea for another two months or so. Honestly, my heart ached at thinking about it. Even with the guys' busy schedules, Namjoon and I still managed to see each other almost every day since they'd been here. It was going to be difficult not seeing him as often.

“I bet this has a killer view in the morning,” Yoongi murmured as he took a sip of the whiskey he had brought out from my collection.

An idea popped into my head, pulling me away from the sadness I was feeling. “Why not just stay here?” I asked.

Yoongi turned to me, confused.

“I have plenty of room for you, Kiwoo, and Dal. Rather than stay in the hotel, why not here? There’s plenty of security at the gate. If you need a driver, call the company I use or call Ky. His schedule is flexible.” Kiwoo and Dal were the two staff members staying behind with Yoongi. If I was going to invite Yoongi to crash at my place, I needed to extend the invitation to them.

“Use Ky as my own personal chauffeur?” Yoongi asked, chuckling at the idea.

“Get him dinner and he’ll be happy to do it,” I suggested. Yoongi tended to eat at high-quality restaurants and Ky was always too cheap to go to those places. If Yoongi agreed to take him out to dinner, I knew Ky would be happy to drive Yoongi through all of California for that free meal.

Yoongi considered it for a moment. “It's not a bad idea. The guys won't be bored here either. I’ll talk to Kiwoo and Dal.”

I smiled, liking my brilliant idea. Yoongi's flight wasn't for a couple of weeks. It would be nice to have some company. Maybe I could introduce him to an old friend of mine. I didn't get involved in my friends' love lives unless they asked for my advice. Yoongi had never asked me to introduce him to someone or even hinted at wanting to find someone, but I did have this one friend who I genuinely believed would be a great match for him.

Suddenly, Namjoon's appearance pulled me out of my thinking. He had two beers in hand. While Yoongi and Hobi were drinking the whiskey, I was craving beer. Namjoon, being the sweetheart he was, offered to get some for us. Tae opted out of drinking, which wasn't a surprise to us.

Namjoon came to my side and handed me the ice-cold beer. As he took the seat next to me, he caressed my head gently.

The butterflies in my stomach flew in all sorts of directions.

“Such a gentleman, Namjoonie,” Taehyung said as he gave his brother applause.

Hobi mimicked Tae and clapped, laughing at our expressions.

I got a light blush. For some reason, I didn't get embarrassed by the kissing or full physical flirting, but when it was small or intimate touches, I turned into a tomato. Namjoon rolled his eyes at his brothers. He took a sip of his beer and draped his arm on the back of my chair, scooting closer to me.

“You’re seriously not going to join Namjoon on his travels?” Hoseok asked me, changing the subject.

“Yeah. There just isn’t time. I’ve got some meetings with an artist on their next album. Plus, this is a guy’s trip. Namjoon and they have been planning this for months, I don't want to intrude,” I said taking a sip from my beer.

Yoongi laughed next to me. “She doesn’t want to spend all that time in museums.”

Hobi chuckled at the accusation.

I didn’t answer and took another sip. He wasn’t wrong. While I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Namjoon, it also didn’t excite me to spend that many days and hours discussing art. I enjoyed my time at an art gallery and having Namjoon next to me explaining everything, but I feel I would be more in the way than anything else if I went. But I also mean it when I said I didn’t want to intrude on his trip with the boys, all of whom were art enthusiasts.

“She’s not saying anything, so you might be right,” Hobi teased.

I flipped him off.

Namjoon turned to me, his eyes giving a mock expression of hurt. “You don’t want to spend hours of your days walking through a gallery or on your butt in a car, trying to get to another destination?”

He was so close to me that the cluster of freckles around his eyes and nose became more prominent. I swear, they looked like a constellation of stars I could not name. “Depends. If I go with you will you go to a couple of off-Broadway shows in New York?”

Namjoon pulled away and resumed drinking his alcohol, refusing to answer me. I took that as a fat ‘no’.

“The sky looks very pretty,” Tae said as he looked out into the ocean. “I bet the sunset is quite the view.”

I nodded. “The colors against the water are almost breathtaking. And the shadows it makes with the trees give you goosebumps. It gets really beautiful. Like a movie.”

“We haven’t caught a sunset in this view, right?” Namjoon asked me, pulling my chair closer to his.

I nodded. We hadn’t. We had seen one once at the beach but not at my house.

We all turned to the sun as it got closer to disappearing. Everyone was quiet.

Someone cleared his throat. “You want to shoot some pool?” Hobi asked Yoongi.

Yoongi smiled at him and nodded. “Come on, Taehyung.”

“Come on, Tae,” Hobi echoed as he got out of his chair.

“Why?” Taehyung asked, pouting. “I want to see the sunset. Sounds romantic.”

“That’s why, dummy,” Yoongi muttered as he let out a chuckle.

Hoseok took ahold of Taehyung’s arm and pulled him out of his chair. It seemed Tae finally understood why the other two wanted to go inside when I heard him make an "Aaaaaah" sound. Yoongi and Hobi simply laughed at him.

“Well, they were subtle,” Namjoon said, getting up himself and picking up our beers with one hand.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“It’s ‘where are we going’,” he corrected and took my hand, dragging me out of my chair.

I followed him over to a couch that overlooked the water. Namjoon set down the bottles on the floor and then motioned with his hand for me to take a seat first. I sat down and moved the cushions so we could recline on them and still have a good view of the sunset. Once I was done, Namjoon climbed on, pulling me to his chest.

I snuggled close, draping my leg across his stomach and placing my head on a pillow next to his own. Normally, I would have opted to lay on his chest or neck, but I wanted to keep my eyes on his face. I had first-hand knowledge of how breathtaking his face looked at sunset. There was no way I was going to miss it.

As we lay there, waiting on the sun to come fully down, Namjoon’s fingers lightly stroked my back and his other hand wrapped warmly around the thigh that was on top of him. “You really can’t meet me in New York? Even for a day before I fly out?”

I let out a groan at his words. We had discussed this several times. At first, I thought I would be able to go to New York and spend a couple of days with him, but Ky had booked us some meetings with labels which looked promising. Plus, I had a project with another artist and needed to stay in LA.

“I wish I could, but I can’t,” I said, sounding and feeling crappy.

Namjoon squeezed me. “I know. I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. Just sucks.”

I nodded, holding him tighter.

He turned to me, his warm chocolate eyes landing on mine. I reached over and traced the dots around his nose and eyes lightly. “I’m gonna miss these the most.”

He snorted. “You’re the only one. I’ve never had a girl that paid them any mind. I’m not even a fan myself. Takes so much product to cover up since there’s so brown.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What’s so wrong with brown?” I asked jokingly.

He chuckled. “Nothing. On you, it’s beautiful,” he said, reaching for my lips and giving me a deep kiss. “But beauty standards placed upon me growing up made me have a strong dislike for them. Took me a while to simply accept them.”

My fingers continued to explore his face. “Do you like them now?”

Keeping his eyes fully on mine, he spoke. “I like that you like them.”

My heart felt like it would burst. Something lingered on my lips that wanted to desperately come out. I bit my lip, keeping myself contained. He was leaving tomorrow and we would be separated for close to two months. I needed to be rational here.

Suddenly, I noticed a change in the lighting. We both turned to the water at the same time.

The sky turned into different shades of purple and orange as the sun began to fall out of view.

Namjoon’s eyes stayed in nature, taking in the moment. “Beautiful,” he breathed out.

My eyes traced the shadows beginning to form on his face, making his features stronger. “Yeah,” I agreed.

How the fuck did I get so lucky?

**************

A few hours later, we were back at the hotel. Everyone, minus Yoongi, would be leaving first thing in the morning. It was easier if I stayed the night at the hotel than a car picking him up early from my place. As we arrived at their floor, Namjoon and my hands stayed linked.

Staff members greeted us and I noticed some of their eyes lingering on our hands. I had the instinct to pull back my hand and step away from Namjoon. However, I resisted the urge. It wasn’t getting easier being stared at, but I needed to learn how to tolerate it.

The only thing I had on me was my purse where I only had a few things. I felt slightly embarrassed and felt anxious in them knowing I would be staying over the night with no extra clothing.

Judging by Namjoon’s face, though, it didn’t seem the same worries were going through his head. Quite the opposite, he looked quite content as we held each other’s hands and got to his room. Once the door was open, he allowed me to go in first, a big smile on his face as he looked at me. Jesus. I don’t think I ever felt such conflicting emotions about his smile. On one hand, I never wanted him to stop looking at me that way, but on the other hand, I wanted him to stop. We were being watched, goddamn it.

After settling in his room, he put on some music. He needed a few things to pack and I decided to help. I looked around, searching everywhere to see if he had forgotten anything.

It didn’t take long for him to finish. However, he was having difficulties closing one of his suitcases.

He looked around the zipper, trying to figure out what was wrong.

I sat back, finding it endearing to see him struggle. Also, I knew how it sometimes irritated him when he was treated like a child. He liked to do things on his own.

After less than a minute, he figured out what was wrong. “Oh, you didn’t align this well, Namjoon,” he muttered to himself and fixed the problem.

I held back a laugh, not wanting to ruin the moment.

After closing it, he turned to me. “Finally.”

As he stared at me, I caught the glint in his eyes. I knew it all too well.

Biting his lip, he made his way to me. I was sitting on the bed, watching him. Once he got to me, he took a seat in the bed and then tugged at my arm.

I let out a laugh, understanding what he was trying to say. I moved my body on top of his, placing my thighs on either side of his legs.

Once I was sitting on his lap, his hands made their way up my back. “Hey,” he said to me, looking at me with heat in his eyes.

I came closer to him, not being able to control my smile. “Hey.”

We kissed for a moment, but nothing heated. A few touches and caresses. We were content just holding each other.

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed that way, but eventually, a knock at the door snapped us out of it.

“Coming,” Namjoon called out, placing his gentle hands on my hips and applying a little bit of pressure, signaling me to move.

I brought my leg up and moved off him. His hands remained on me as he stood up. His palms gave my lower back a soft rub before letting go as if needing to touch me for as long as possible before our bodies fully separated.

I was noticing this was happening more—the gentle and intimate touches. My body and heart thrilled at the growing emotions, but I couldn’t help but get worried that things were going too fast. Opposite to Namjoon’s thinking, I didn’t think three months was too long. How could our emotions be developing so quickly and intensely? Every touch and look now felt so incredibly intimate.

As Namjoon came to the door, a staff member announced he was there to collect Namjoon’s luggage. Namjoon brought out the suitcases he would be checking into the flight but was keeping his bag and small carry-on behind.

After closing the door when the staff left, I had a lingering question. “Um, do you have an extra shirt or sweater for me?”

He looked at me, confused. “Are you cold?”

I tilted my head, giving him a “are you for real” look. “You don’t like me bringing anything when I stay the night. I would hope you have something for me to wear, at least.”

The realization finally hit Namjoon. He let out an embarrassed chuckle and went to his carry-on. “I should have a couple of shirts. Hold on.”

After finding one, he placed it on the nightstand closest to the bathroom.

On my nights here, that was the side I tended to sleep on. His remembering that and considering me brought warmth.

Namjoon went back to his carry-on and tried closing it. Unfortunately, he was having a similar difficulty with it as he had with his other suitcase. He pushed down hard on it, making a sound.

I got a little worried, thinking he might have broken something. I looked over at it but didn’t see anything damaged. Still, I stayed where I was, ready to help if Namjoon asked me to.

“Namjoon, hands nice and steady,” he muttered to himself.

As brilliant as he was and as wonderful it was to witness his moments of intelligence on the topics of art and philosophy and music, I found it equally as beautiful watching the man struggle with trivial things such as packing. And hearing him talk to himself was the icing on the cupcake.

After a couple of minutes, he turned to me and stopped what he was doing. “What? What are you smiling at?”

Damn, I got caught. “Nothing.” I looked away and tried to busy myself using my phone.

“What?” he pushed, making his way to me, determined to know what I found amusing.

“Nothing,” I repeated, feeling a smile on my face. I looked away.

He knew I was lying. He took my phone and placed it n my nightstand, next to the shirt. Then, he poked my side gently. “Tell me. What was I doing? I know you’re making fun of me.”

He knew me too well, but I wasn’t going to admit it. “No.” I squirmed away from him.

“Liar. Why don’t you tell me?” He poked me again.

“Because if I say what you were doing, you’ll stop doing it.” I backed away from him as he reached for me again. “And you look so fucking cute doing it.”

He sent me a teasing glare and looked ready to pounce.

I climbed up the bed, keeping distance between us. “Don’t.” I could read his next move.

His Cheshire smile and dragon eyes looked almost predatory. He climbed onto the bed, slowly crawling towards me.

There was a thrilling feeling that shot through me. “Don’t!”

Suddenly, I was captured. Fiery lips were on me, soft hands touching me, strong arms pinning me down. And my pussy was fully wet.

It didn’t take him long to undress us both. Then, somehow—I don’t know how—he managed to put on some loud music and take us both over to the balcony door.

Memories of the time with the butt plug flooded back, making my pussy quiver in anticipation.

He turned me around roughly, making me face the city lights like he had that one night.

His hand moved across my stomach and moved down between my legs. His fingers slipped in between until he reached my bottom lips, rubbing my clit with his talented thumb.

I mewled under his touch. One of my hands clutched his arm while the other pressed against the glass in front of me.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he growled into my ear, pressing his body against mine. His cock against my lower back.

I pressed my ass to his balls. “Make me wetter,” I challenged.

I could feel his dark chuckle all the way to my dripping pussy. “How would you like me to get you wetter? Finger-fucking your pussy, or…” His fingers drifted lower, moving away from my cunt and to my asshole.

We had discussed having anal sex and I had told him I was ready whenever he was. He said he wanted to wait for a special night. Tonight was our last one for a while. It seemed a better night than any. Thinking of his long cock inside me there sent shivers everywhere.

“…finger-fucking your tight, little asshole?” he finished asking as he pressed the tip of his finger into my back ring.

A sound came out of me that sounded primal. “Put it in!” I bucked my hips against his hand, my body needing him.

His finger came back to my front juices and went back to my tight little hole. “I need to lubricate it first, girl. Can’t rush this. We have all night.”

He reached down the stand next to us and took the lube I had left there. He applied some onto his fingers. Then slowly, he pushed one finger in, making circles as he went in and out in slow motion. I heard his dark, unmerciful chuckle every time I let out my primal sound.

“Please!” I begged, minutes after his slow but beautiful work. I thrust my ass against his finger, needing more friction. Unfortunately, his other hand was firmly around my waist. It was keeping me from pushing him further in.

His other hand went back to my pussy, rubbing and driving me insane. Once he had more juice coated on his hand, he moved three of his fingers to the ring of my asshole. But stayed there and didn’t move.

“Please!” I was ready to move his hand away and do it myself.

“So impatient,” he said in a mocking tone. And then he finally pushed in, his middle finger was more than halfway sucked inside me.

“My god!” I pounded the door, feeling a combination of discomfort and pleasure.

His finger slowly moved out then moved back in.

My ass shook from the indulgence.

“Shit,” he let out as my walls tightened, his teeth grazing my neck as he picked up speed.

It was perfect friction. “Yes!” I let out, rocking into his hand, and feeling grateful that he wasn’t stopping me. He was now knuckle-deep; I could I his entire middle finger sucked in.

His lips came to my ear. “Ready for another one?” I felt the tip of his forefinger tease my back entrance.

I took a deep breath and nodded frantically. “Fuck, put three in me already.”

He made me feel wild and hungry. Like I could take anything he gave me. I backed roughly into the digit inside me to prove I could handle more of him.

Another dark chuckle filled the room and I heard him spit behind me. Some of the spit landed on my round ass. He took away his finger from inside me—I whined at him—and he coated his fingers with spit. His magical digits traveled back to my hole and went in.

I bit my lip as I tried to ignore the ache I felt, doing my best to focus on the desire it would be bringing me. His fingers moved in and out at a patient pace, allowing my body to get used to the intrusion. It didn’t take too long, my body eventually loved anything Namjoon did to it. Eventually, I was bucking into his hand and letting out grunts of pleasure. My walls squeezed all his fingers, welcoming them.

His lips left pecks and small bites along my back as he brought me pleasure. His other hand took hold of one of my heavy breasts and he played with my nipple.

My back arched into his body. I was on the edge of something fucking beautiful and I wanted him to fully engulf me.

However, he didn’t let me reach my orgasm. He pulled his fingers out and I let out a whine.

My pout was short-lived when I felt his thick and massive head at my back entrance.

“Still want to do this, baby?” he asked sweetly into my ear. His lips pecked and chin.

I nodded urgently. “Please.”

He got closer to me and took hold of my lips, giving me a soft kiss. “Stop me anytime, ok?”

Another nod.

Then, softly, I felt the head of his cock push through my back entrance.

Thank god Namjoon had the music on blast. Hopefully, it was drowning out my sounds.

I felt so fucking stretched. It stung a little. Biting my lip, I allowed my body to get used to the intruder. Thankfully, the displeasure was short-lived. Namjoon’s fingers hand made their way to my clit. He did his best to bring me full pleasure as he worked my ass.

My fingers went around his arm and my nails dug into his skin. He first moved at a snail’s pace. Once he felt my body loosen, he built some momentum.

After some time, his massive cock was finally halfway in, pumping in and out of me like a jackhammer. One hand came to my curly hair, wrapping his fingers around it and pulling my neck to the side so he could nip at my neck. His other hand was pressing onto my heat, stroking my clit to keep me in full ecstasy.

“You ready to cum soon?” His fingers sped up and his hips thrust hard into me.

I let out a loud wail, but his mouth swallowed me silently.

“We’re still in the hotel, baby,” he said once his lips pulled away from mine. “Can’t have anyone start knocking on that door.”

He was right. So many people were on this goddamn floor. And I would personally murder whoever would dare interrupt us.

His cock went further in. “You’re beautiful, baby,” he says almost in a prayer-like voice.

My body was shaking and close to nirvana. My heart swelled three times its size and words lingered behind my lips again. I felt something threatening to come out.

The two of us worked in unison, bringing each other to the cliff. I was working him just as much as he was working me. I enjoyed how we moved together. We went back and forth between gentle and rough and sometimes fell in between. Usually, towards the end, our primal instincts took over and gentleness almost flew out the window. Right now, we were nearing the edge.

“Come on, baby. Come on,” he growled into my ear. The sound of flesh against flesh is loud in the room. The liquids coming out of us added an exotic sound. He pumped his thickness into me with such power, such desire, and an unidentified emotion that almost felt foreign to me.

“Namjoon,” I sob out. My feelings were flying in every direction. I was about to lose it. I clutched onto his arm, needing him to ground me. But at the same time, I knew he was the reason I was close to shattering—close to losing all control.

“I’m here, baby,” he promised. “Cum for me.”

His body moved over mine, molding me. He fused both our bodies into one.

And it was at the realization that we were merging in more ways than one when he hit a special spot inside me. His fingers stroked my clit just right. And then I became untethered. Euphoria.

My walls squeezed him tight, never wanting him to leave. I came calling out his name.

And he was right at my heels, spilling inside me and breathing out my name.

It took moments for us to come down from our high. I was so exhausted.

He left me briefly, but only to collect a cloth so he could clean me.

We fell into a sleep, wrapped around each other.

That feeling in my chest was still there.

The words stayed behind my teeth, edging to escape.

Not now, I told them. It wasn’t time….

********

I heard my phone ring. Stupid me forgot to put it on silent mode. I hurried to turn it off before it could wake up Namjoon.

I intended to reject the call—no one sane would be calling me at this hour. However, at seeing the name on my screen, I jumped out of bed, grabbed Namjoon’s shirt on the nightstand, and locked myself in the restroom.

My mother never called at this time. She was always in bed early.

“Mamá?” I asked into the phone, worried and panicked.

“Did he rape you?” her voice sounded angry and irritated.

The question threw me off. It was not what I was expecting. Plus, I had woken up from two hours of sleep. “What?” I asked.

“Did he rape you?” she asked, her voice louder as she enunciated her words.

“What are you talking about?”

“I finally got to what happened two years ago with you. It took a lot of digging and threatening a lot of past interns and secretaries if they didn’t spill, but I got to the bottom of it." She was out of breath and angry. It was tough following her. "I know you met with Chad alone around the time your contract was getting close to expiring. I know he was supposed to be there with another executive but that other executive never made it to the meeting. You were supposed to be there with Ky but Yori went into early labor and he missed the meeting.” My mother was talking so fast, I could barely make out her words. However, I understood what she was saying; what she had discovered.

My mother didn’t think highly of herself academically speaking. She thought I didn’t think highly of her intelligence, but that was far from the truth. I had always been aware of my mother’s intelligence. She was clever and resourceful. She didn’t get to where she was now without having a brain like hers. I knew it was only a matter of time before she figured out who had been the executive who had assaulted me.

“Apparently, the female assistants in the company have stories of Chad being handsy with some of them. There have been some accusations that he has even raped a couple of them. The higher-ups, of course, have managed to cover it up, but that hasn’t stopped the women from sharing suspicion. Chad’s secretary at the time says you went into the meeting alone. She didn’t know about the rumors circulating Chad at the time since she was fairly new. She said you were fine when you went into the room, but less than an hour later, you came out looking disheveled. She thought you guys had finished having sex and coughed it up to you just being an easy lay. Your makeup was a mess. Your top was open. Your hair—”

****The top button popped off. His hand reached down. Took a grab. As if it was nothing. As if he had done this multiple times. As if it belonged to him.

He squeezed and I felt my skin crawl.

I wanted to reach over and push him off.

I wanted to get up. Run. Yell. Scream. Punch him.

I tried to remember the boxing moves my brothers and cousins and uncle had taught me.

But everything was blank.

I was glued onto the chair. I was frozen into place.

One of his hands was inside my bra and the other was on my hair.

Slobber stuck onto my cheeks and lips. It was like a frog was on me.

MOVE! I yelled internally at myself, but I didn’t listen. Why the fuck wasn’t I listening?!****

“Stop!” I screamed at my mother. I had already gone over these details in therapy. I had learned how to move past it. Or so I thought. Since coming back to LA, I was starting to question whether or not I had fully healed. The last session I had with Dr. Rob was over a year ago and I had thought I was better.

Maybe I had been wrong?

“What?” My mother’s voice pulled me back to the present.

“I don’t want to relive that,” I tell her, determined.

“I knew there was no way you would ever be caught in that kind of situation. But I had to make sure, so I called Chad. I painted out the same details to him and his reaction was all I needed to know what he did to you was not consensual.”

His words sent chills down my skin. “You talked to Chad?” The name came out of my lips and it tasted like vaseline.

“Well, what was I supposed to do?”

I felt an anger boil at my core. “Madre, I didn’t tell you so you could stick your nose where it didn’t belong. This is my issue. I’m the victim here, not you.”

“You’re my daughter—”

“Yes, I’m your daughter. So instead of thinking and acting on your emotions, think of fucking mine for a change.”

“Something has to be done about this. That asshole can’t get away with this. You have to report him.”

The thought of going to the police made me feel more uneasy. “Listen, this isn’t up for discussion. I’m hanging up.”

“We’re going to talk about it, Maya. I’ll come over to your house right now.” I was certain she meant it.

“I’m not at home, Madre. I’m over at a friend’s house.”

“I’ll be over next week, then,” she promised.

I let out a sigh and hung up on her before I fully came apart.

My hands were shaking and I was taking deep breaths to settle myself down.

How had I allowed my mother to bring me to this stage? It felt like it had just happened. Like I had just lived it. Shit, I should have never answered the phone. I should just block her from now on. Talking to her for too long makes me feel like a broken child. A weak, fragile, lost child.

I did my best to calm myself. It took a long time, but I refused to leave the bathroom until I was fully ok. I didn’t want this to ruin my last day with Namjoon. If he saw how upset I was, he would focus fully on me and wouldn’t get any sleep. And it was going to be a long trip for him. He needed to save his energy.

Finally, I came out of the restroom, feeling settled.

I found Namjoon sitting on the bed, fully awake, and his eyes on me. A look of concern was written on his face.

“Is everything ok?” he asked.

I nodded, climbing onto the bed and giving him a small smile. “Everything is ok. Just some small family drama. Nothing to worry about. Everyone’s healthy.”

His brows knitted together as he continued to look at me. “Are you sure? You don’t want to talk about it?”

“No, I just want to go to sleep,” I said, genuinely. I got under the covers.

“Do you want to talk about it in the morning, then?” he pressed.

“We have breakfast with the others in the morning. And then you have your flight pretty early,” I answered.

“So?” he sounded a little annoyed.

I tried to rationalize with him. “You need rest, Namjoon.”

He took a breath. “Ok. Will we discuss it tomorrow night then?”

“After a long day of travel and activities?” I asked, hinting I didn’t think it was a good idea.

“So, when do you think we’ll talk about it?” I quickly noted he was keeping his voice tightly controlled.

My heart quickened a bit, nerves kicking in. I strongly disliked thinking of the future. “I don’t know,” I said, my voice sounding low.

“Next month? Two months from now?” He was pushing, his eyes now digging into mine.

A feeling of intimidation came over me and made me look away. I didn’t know how to answer him. The thought of sharing with him the memory of when I never felt weaker and more worthless was unimaginable. I never wanted him to know that story.

He looked more than annoyed. “When are we going to get past this? Things with us are not new,” he said with finality. His jaw jutted forward, his chest back. He’d never been this angry with me before. “We’ve been together for 100 days. And every time I want to go further, this is what I’m met with: a wall. Also, when I bring up our progress and what our next step should be, you say the same thing: ‘It’s new. Let’s take it slow.’ How much slower are we going to take it?”

I sat there, not sure what to say that wouldn’t get him angrier at me.

“I mean, you can’t even tell the truth to your family about me,” he said.

This threw me off. Weren’t we passed the Thanksgiving incident? “I genuinely meant to tell my brothers, Namjoon,” I said as calmly as I could. “I didn’t keep you a secret from them on purpose.”

“It’s not just your brothers. What about your parents?” he challenged. “Seems like you have no interest in telling them. I heard you talking to your mom.”

Blood drained from me. Fuck. What had he heard?

“You told her you were at a friend’s house. Not boyfriend, but a friend’s.”

I was slightly relieved by this. It meant the worse he heard had been my mislabeling of him to my mother rather than discussing my sexual assault. I tried to keep my voice calm as I tried to explain myself to him. “Not everyone has an amazing relationship with their parents like you do, Namjoon. Some parents are fucked up.”

“I know you don’t have a great relationship with her, but why lie to me about it? You’re still holding back in telling me the whole truth about your relationship with your mom,” he rambled.

“What?” I asked, caught off guard. “I’ve told you everything there is to say about her. About both my parents. Do you want explicit details of the fights I heard? Of the violence I witnessed?”

He shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. There’s something else—something more when it comes to your mother. You left Los Angeles for a reason—it wasn’t just because of your ex. Something happened and you don’t want to tell me. I heard you discussing Chad. You got upset at your mom for talking about him. Chad was one of the executives at your label, I remember. What’s going on with him?” he asked in a demanding tone.

He had said his name. And he was upset with me. My anxiety was not faring well as I felt my palms start getting clammy. My heart rate accelerated.

I decided to go with some honesty. “You’re my best friend, Namjoon. I tell you almost everything. I’ve told you about my issues with my mother.”

The melty, cocoa eyes that made me feel alive so many times were now digging into me and making me feel pathetically small. “You haven’t told me everything. You’re keeping things from me. Including the real reason why you left. I thought eventually you would open up to me. As a friend, I accepted you keeping that secret. But we’re not just friends anymore. I want more. I need more.”

I didn’t know how to respond.

Almost like a sudden switch flipped, his eyes lost all the hardness in them. “Why are you keeping it from me? Do you not trust me?” he asked with a voice of genuine hurt.

Guilt began to make its way through me. “Of course I do!”

“Then what is it? Why can’t you take that step with me—open up?” his voice was edging towards desperation. “Our feelings are past taking things slow. I know you know it. This is when things have to leap forward. There is no backward; there is no freezing time.”

I tried to control my breathing and shaking. After a moment, I said, “I feel if we don’t take it slow, then we’re bound to make a mistake.”

His eyes lost their softness. Their sharpness came back. His chest huffed forward as if my pulled by my words. “Boundto?”

I was puzzled at his reaction and didn’t quickly respond.

“As in, you know it’s not going to work out? You don’t have hope for us?” There was a mixture of hurt and anger in his voice.

I regretted my use of words. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then, what did you mean?” he demanded.

I took a breath, trying to think quickly of what I could say to make this better. “Every other relationship I’ve been on has ended badly. And I think it’s because I rush things. I can’t do that with you. I feel if we take things slow—if we take our time in getting completely serious, then we have a higher likelihood of being successful.”

His jaw clenched. He let out an exasperated breath as his dark eyes looked down at me with puzzlement and frustration. “You let me—” he stopped himself, looking as if he was inwardly reasoning with himself. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and turned away from me.

Something clawed at my heart seeing him like this. My words were driving him to such anger and I don’t know what it was that I had just said that made him look like he wanted to punch a wall.

“What?” I asked, my voice small but determined. As much as I feared to know the answer, I still wanted to know. When it came to Namjoon, I always wanted to know.

He didn’t speak, just kept his eyes away from me.

It felt like a knife was now pushing its way into the organ that kept the blood flowing through my veins. “What?” What had I done to cause him such disturbance?

He shook his head, taking some steps away from me. He walked towards the door. To get away from me.

My body jerked forward, acting on its own. “Don’t.”

I didn’t scream it out, but my voice wasn’t small either. It was said in a tone I had never made before. And it was enough to make him stop. His body instinctively turned back to mine, his eyes looking concerned at my tone.

“Don’t,” I repeated with the same voice.

He didn’t leave, but he didn’t walk back to me either. He was thinking—debating with himself. He was trying to figure out how to work through this. I did my best to wait patiently, despite how desperately I wanted to start groveling.

Please. Please. Please. Seeing his back towards me cracked something in me. If he left…I don't know what would become of me.

Finally, he took in a breath and looked straight at me. “Why are you with me, Maya?”

What kind of question was that? “What?”

“Why are you with me? Why do you want to be with me?”

Was he serious? “Because I like you.”

“But what is it about me that makes you want me as a boyfriend?” he challenged.

Did this have to do with his self-loathing? Is that what this was stemming from? Was Namjoon having an episode again—how had I missed it? “You’re kind and funny and smart,” I said in a rush, needing him to know that he was completely valuable. If he needed reassurance to crush his self-hatred, I would give it to him.

But Namjoon didn’t look moved. “Seokjin is all those things. Why not be with him?”

Honestly, it felt like I was experiencing whiplash. “What?”

“What makes me boyfriend material for you?”

“Namjoon, I don’t know where this is coming from—”

“Is it my friendship?”

“Yes.”

“You can have that with Hoseok. Do you like how you can relate to me musically?”

“Yes.”

“You can have that with Yoongi.”

“Namjoon, will you—”

“Are you with me only for sex?" His voice was full of hurt and pain. His eyes were wet and red with agony. "Because I’m a good lay?”

This left me at a loss for words.

It took a moment for him to speak again, still keeping full control of his tone. “What we just did is not something I’ve done many times. Certainly not with someone I’m just casually seeing. It’s a carnal act that I treasure. An act I don’t take lightly. I’ve had a couple of one-night stands, and they weren’t for me. I told you this. I’m no prude, but I don’t do certain things in the bedroom that are that intimate with just anyone. You’ve told me how open you are with past guys—whether it be one-night stands or serious relationships. You’ve given it up easily before, whatever. But I’m not that way. I can’t detach emotions from sex. And the fact that you don’t feel strongly for me and you did that with me…. I just don’t know how to feel about that.”

It felt like a knife was being injected into me. In so many words, he was telling me what he thought of me: I gave it up easily. I had let him take me up the ass without the emotion of love attached. I could think of the perfect word of what he thought I was….

“We started this wrong,” he said, further pushing the knife into me. “Sex should have come much later and I knew that. But like a fucking horndog, I gave in.”

I could throw up right now.

Tears began to make their way out of his eyes. “I can’t do this, Maya. I can’t be in a relationship where it’s just about sex. I want more. And I can’t even say we can go back to being friends because I can’t. I can’t and won’t go back to that. I respect myself too much.” He sniffed, his head low.

And he walked out.

The door closed with a soft click.

I was left alone with his words floating in the air.

He respected himself….

Himself.

He didn’t say he respected me.

A slut.

I could feel my anxiety tipping over the edge. I needed to get out of here quickly.

Stumbling out of the bed, I took off his shirt, putting on my spaghetti strap and bottoms. I had no idea where my second top had landed. I hurried to find my keys and got the hell out of there. I couldn’t find my shoes fast enough for my liking, so I left barefoot.

I looked like a whore who had just been fucked and used, walking down the halls barefoot and with only my skirt and spaghetti strap on. Tears had smeared all of my makeup. I looked like a goddamn wreck. My shoes and undergarments had been left behind. Security both gawked at me and looked away in shame.

The scene I was in was similar to two and a half years ago….

I felt nothing but humiliation. The sobs came fully down the moment the elevator doors closed.

__________________

Last note: Sorry that weekly posting is ending on this scene. I wish it had been a much happier one. 😖

Also, Happy Holidays, everyone. Be sure to look after your health during this time; be happy and merry. And if you have a mother like Maya or your family has similar toxic traits, do yourself a favor and cut them off. You deserve better. 🥰

___________

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

#rm x maya #rm fanfic #bts rm #namjoon fanfic #kim namjoon x reader #bts fanfic #bts smut #fluff and smut #secret relationship #inthemiddleofthenight #kim namjoon #mother daughter relationship #trauma #Spotify

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justasparkwritings · 2 years ago

Text

Merry & Bright: IV. A Song for Christmas

Previous: III. Christmas for You and Me

Pairings: Min Yoongi x Park Jimin; Jung Hoseok x Kim Taehyung

Genre: Fluff, Non-Idol AU, SLOW BURN

Rating: R

Warnings: Swearing!

Word Count: 949

Summary: Seokjin and Namjoon arrive at the tree lot.

Notes: Merry & Bright this year is taking the form of one cohesive story involving all of Bangtan! Hope you enjoy this change!

The Christmas Tree lot on 3rd was the cutest, most quaint tree lot in town. Their first-year post college, the three Kim’s had rented a two-bedroom apartment in the city together. Their apartment had been a few blocks away. They often passed the lot on their way to the bus, or in leisurely strolls around the neighborhood. Their first year, they waited until December 21st to get a tree, fearful they wouldn’t be able to keep it alive. They had kept it alive, and in doing so began a tradition of decorating the tree while drinking mulled wine, eating sugar cookies fresh out of the oven and singing loudly to a variety of Christmas songs. It was a perfect evening, one they replicated nearly every year until they sold their book, and all moved into their own apartments. Now, Seokjin decorated his tree in a similar manner, with Christmas movies playing instead of music. Christmas music, much like the Christmas season, was still difficult for him grapple with.

“You think the same family owns it?”

“No – they sold it a few years ago to a different family. The Lang’s I believe,” Seokjin informed him. Seokjin had in fact come back to this lot every year to buy a small tree for his house, one his cats would definitely wreak havoc on.

“Do they still give you a tin of cookies every year?” Namjoon asked. He turned the radio down to better hear Jin’s answer.

“The Huang’s used to, up until they sold. But the Lang’s don’t. They just offer candy canes.”

“As a kid, I loved getting candy canes from tree lots. It always made getting a tree special.”

“You know we used to live together, and work together every day for years, right?” Seokjin said.

Namjoon tilted his head and glanced sideways at him. “And?”

“You’ve told me about the candy canes before.”

“Oh, sorry?”

“What you haven’t told me is what you’ve been doing for the last five years,” Seokjin gave him an opening, and Namjoon wasn’t stupid enough not to take it.

“I’ve been busy, writing some, teaching mostly.”

“Where are you teaching?” Jin asked.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Namjoon teased. He glided his car through the streets towards the lot they had once loved. He was struck with the memories of how the three of them would pile into his aggressively used Prius and maneuver through the city, sometimes on night drives just the three of them, sometimes in pairs… exploring every nook and cranny they could before the sun came up and they had to be somewhere else.

“What do you teach?”

“Creative writing and a 300 level English lit course.”

“Do you enjoy it?”

“I do,” Namjoon answered. “It’s fun and engaging, and I have a lot of freedom with my curriculum. It’s never boring or the same day after day.”

“I understand that. There’s an inherent monotony in writing every day,” Jin shared.

“Is there?”

“Yeah, you get up, drink coffee, spend hours staring at your computer screen, and some hours editing or outlining new stories. There are a few meetings thrown in there, but it’s a pretty isolating existence.”

“How do you manage?”

“I have a cats,” Jin laughed. “That sounds incredibly pathetic.”

“It’s not, pets are nice, they keep you company.”

“When they’re not being total assholes.”

“I feel like cats are either sweethearts or total monsters, it’s never an in between.”

“That’s true, and when you put them together you don’t know what they’re going to become.”

“Yours are monsters?”

“Things were fine when it was just Toby and me, but then I added Sam so Toby wouldn’t be lonely. That’s when things broke loose.”

“Are your cats named after TV characters?”

“From The West Wing, yes.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t pick something else, no Brooklyn Nine-Nine or Alias?”

“I am refined, thank you,” Jin said.

Namjoon pulled into the perfect parking spot in front of the little lot and parked. Turning off the engine, he turned to Jin.

“What kind of tree are you looking for?”

“Something small that I can put on the table, nothing too big that would require me to use anything other than the small stand I have,” Jin said as he unbuckled his seatbelt. He exited the car and waited for Namjoon to circle the front. “You?”

“Oh, under 5 feet for sure, nothing to rotund but decent leaves.

“This is going to take hours, isn’t it?” Seokjin asked.

Namjoon laughed. “No, I’ll try to be quick about it. Tell me about what you’ve been writing.”

Seokjin began to speak, weaving tales of the stories he’d created and the ones he was working on, of middle grade novels and series he was at the beginning of creating, and those he was at the end of finishing. Prolific crossed through Namjoon’s mind as he listened, that and how cute Seokjin looked while speaking with such passion. It took everything in him not to kiss Seokjin, but that would’ve been inappropriate in this situation… that wasn’t scheduled in the plans for a few more steps.

“That’s a good one,” Seokjin said an hour later, as Namjoon examined a tree for what felt like the fiftieth time.

“Is it?”

“Namjoon, you’ve looked at that tree at least three times and have inspected every inch of it. It’s cold, I’m growing weary of your mostly unpleasant company and would like to take my tree home. Can we be done now?” Seokjin whined.

“I forgot how whiny you can be.”

“I forgot how indecisive and child like you can be.”

Namjoon stared at the glare Seokjin was giving him before he nodded.

“Okay, I’ll take the tree.”

Next: V. Christmas for You & Me

#justasparkwritings #merry & bright #merry and bright #OT7 story #clubzerooclock #bangtanarmynet #houseofddaeng #networkbangtan #purplearmynet #kpopccc #ot7 fic #mxm #fxm #min yoongi x park jimin #Kim seokjin x Kim namjoon #jung hoseok x kim taehyung #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you

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tehuti88-art · 2 years ago

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12/9/22: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Lance Corporal Turquoise Rat. He's one of the American forces and he's clairvoyant; his visions (which he doesn't control) have proven useful more than once. There'll be more about him later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

TUMBLR EDIT: Turquoise is one of my older Trench Rats characters, dating almost to the beginning. So he's been around a while. You can find an excerpt from his POV in the earliest surviving version of the story dating to 1990 in Anna Julian's entry. His personality has gone through various changes as well though not as drastic as certain others. In the earliest version, he was just cranky--in fact I'm not even sure if the psychic aspect existed yet--and certain aspects of his character and plot were interchanged with Doomsday Rat's. By the circa-2000 reboot, he was still quite pissy but it had more nuance I wasn't able to outline before losing interest. There was also an intended subplot involving his anemia. I just went and looked over the two chapters from his POV and he has an even worse attitude than I'd remembered, haha. It looks like I was trying to convey the idea of him being an empath as well as a clairvoyant, with a German patient inexplicably appealing to him for help he can't give. He's indeed strongly empathic, though this is tied in with his psychic abilities.

Despite being a "furry" story set in an obvious alternate timeline, the focus on the Doomsday serum, and all that funny business that occurs in Ultima Thule (and even those latter two are presented more as alternative science), the Trench Rats series is intended to be mostly in the realm of realism; I try to avoid most fantasy or "magical" aspects. Turquoise (and his German counterpart Nixie, who shows up later) is a big exception to this, representing the main "supernatural" aspect of the story. You'll notice I refer to him specifically as clairvoyant. I consider this different from precognition and retrocognition--one involves perceiving things in the present, one in the future, one in the past, and for the most part, Turquoise receives visions of the present--but Wikipedia includes them all under the label of "clairvoyance," and Turquoise does indeed have a few visions of a different sort that seem precognitive, so...*shrug.* Mainly, though, he "sees" present-moment events, or things that are immediately about to occur, just usually at a distance. The main example is him "seeing" the attack on Trench Rat Headquarters while his company is away, and seeing an ambush the Germans set up targeting his company along the way. His vision saves his own company (actually Copper Rat's company) from slaughter. But anyway. Turquoise was heavily influenced by the character Fiver from Watership Down (I watched this movie when I was way too young), both in his psychic abilities and in his physical weakness; the latter's been largely downplayed by now though I think it's still there. A lot of this is touched on by his past so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

Most of the characters who've been opening up to me lately are the newer characters on the canine side of the story, so Turquoise hasn't been terribly forthright yet. What I know of him (most info predating this 2021-23 reboot) is he's Irish-American and Roman Catholic, I think his recent ancestors/family immigrated to the US to escape the Potato Famine, his only remaining close family is his mother, and he was a very sickly child, nearly dying when he was young--it was this near-death experience that triggered his visions and psychic abilities, being the first time he left his body uncontrolled. When his mother learns of what he experienced while ill, she encourages him to try to welcome and cultivate these abilities: Turns out he's from a long line of "sensitives," as they're called, and to them, this is nothing unusual. (Goofy aside: I sometimes like to imagine this story was published in various formats including a graphic novel and a couple of TV cartoon adaptations... 😳 Shut up. Anyway, details vary drastically between the versions, with one of the TV adaptations being really "dumbed down" at first, more comedic, with numerous character name and personality changes. For example, Klemper is a goofy, chirpy Boy Scout/Hitler Youth-type kid rather than the foul-mouthed, meth-addled twink he is in the "real" story (this makes him one of the characters most hated by (my nonexistent) fans), Schavitz (bearing his original name Schavich) is more bluster than threat, and Turquoise is instead named Sensitive. I won't get further into this dorky daydream, just wanted to point out this alternate name and had to give the convoluted explanation why he has an alternate name.) Granted, all the sensitives in the family have so far been women...Turquoise is the exception. This doesn't matter to his pious mother, who views their abilities as a gift from God. Now that her son shows these talents, it's his duty to learn how to control them.

He isn't terribly sure how to do this, though, and finds the entire thing frustrating, especially since his clairvoyant abilities seem so useless--what does it matter if you can see what's occurring miles away, if you can't be there to do anything about it? His tendency to leave his body is just as pointless to him; he can't control it, it happens at moments of extreme stress and serves no useful purpose for him. He makes a few halfhearted efforts to placate his mother, but he's just not into this psychic thing, and would prefer if he didn't have this problem, because yes, randomly lapsing into trances strikes him as a problem. He finally finds a sense of purpose in joining the military (he does so while still underage, like Otto Himmel and Godfrey Klemper), and is recruited to be among a small group of soldiers sent to Germany early on, when rumors of upcoming war are still only that, rumors. He's not sure why he feels compelled to do this, just that he has a strange feeling, a very bad feeling, that SOMETHING is either going to happen or is already happening, and in its sheer horror it's going to overshadow many other horrible things to come. He tells no one--nobody would believe him, probably not even his mother--but his vague visions show him endless seas of blood, endless mountains of bodies, millions upon millions of the dying and dead and plumes of smoke choking the sky. To sit back and watch whatever will unfold next seems unconscionable to him, so he heads overseas, not quite sure what he expects.

(Much of what I'm getting into now was revealed more recently.)

Turquoise meets up with his tiny unit of soldiers sent to perform reconnaissance in German territory. A new political party, the National Socialists, have risen to power, and there's intelligence from America's European allies that they're engaged in some pretty suspicious activity. It starts out with them expelling certain citizens, then stripping them of their rights, but now there are hazy rumors of some sort of "camps" and, even more alarming, experiments. None of it means much, but they're there to learn what they can. Turquoise and the others are introduced--the characters who later on become known as Battleship Gray, Blue, Copper, Doomsday, Indigo, Silver, and Teal--and they head toward a nearby city to peek at what's going on. Intel has described some sort of building complex, and something called "Projekt Weltuntergang"--Project Doomsday. Whatever it may be, it doesn't sound good.

The little unit works at gathering what intel it can, but considering how few of them there are, and how limited their resources, the info they obtain is limited, too. They do manage to get word back to the US that the Nazis are indeed running some sort of medical experiment with human (well, rodent) test subjects--Project Doomsday--but the details are hazy. It seems to center around the prospect of creating a "super soldier." A few in the unit scoff at this, assuming the Nazis aren't "all there"; while a few take it more seriously. Turquoise takes to sketching in a little notebook he carries on him--his disturbing visions only seem to be increasing, and he finds it helps a little to just let his pencil wander while his mind does the same. His fellow unit member who is later nicknamed Copper rifles through his belongings one day when he's preoccupied and digs out the notebook, flipping through it; he's noticed how Turquoise doodles in it while staring off into space, not even paying attention to what he's drawing. Within, he finds ragged sketches of corpse piles, raging fires, smoke plumes, rivers of blood, walking skeletons. He closes the notebook and puts it back. Normally this is when somebody would report Turquoise to their superiors, but Copper refrains. He's Louisiana Creole, Catholic yet superstitious, and he knows "hoodoo" powers when he sees them. He decides to keep a discreet eye on Turquoise for signs of what to expect.

Things take an abrupt turn when the Nazis attack the tiny unit, having at last caught on to them--the one who'll soon come to be known as Doomsday, for obvious reasons, is captured. The others hole up in an old trench in the countryside and miraculously fend off their attackers, but it's a harsh blow, and the Nazi unit won't let them escape--they're pinned down with dwindling supplies and a dying radio. They send word to a British outpost of what happened, along with a plea for help, but they aren't sure if it gets through, and all they can do is huddle and wait. Turquoise is tense, but more worried for their missing companion than for themselves--he knows they'll make it even if he's not sure how.

Unknown to them, the Americans had already been working on establishing a battalion to set up headquarters in German territory and look into both stealing Nazi documentation (they've also learned of "Project Doomsday") and to free potential captives if they can be found. The British receive the distress message and send it along. The Americans hurry to cobble together the rest of the battalion, called the Trench Rats, and they arrive in Germany and send help. The handful of soldiers are rescued in the nick of time (the corporal, Drake, literally drops into their trench and startles them all) and brought back to the battalion, which is already constructing a hidden headquarters. When Drake gets turned around trying to find the way back, Turquoise is the one to take the lead, which surprises him--they're being very careful to maintain the secret of its whereabouts, so there's no way Turquoise should know where to go. The small group is made part of the new battalion and assigned their roles as they make plans to rescue their comrade; the newly nicknamed Turquoise becomes part of Charlie Company, which is led by Copper Rat. The rescue itself is successful, yet the Rats incur another loss when Teal is captured instead. By now the Nazis have overcome their initial superstition of the Trench Rats (they wear modified Prussian uniforms of the Great War in an attempt to spook the enemy into thinking they're ghosts) and are even more on their guard, so Teal's potential rescue is even more complicated, and since the Nazis spread rumors that he's been executed, he sadly ends up on the back burner in the shuffle of all the other things the Rats are dealing with. (Teal's case ends up being one of the Trench Rats' greatest oversights.)

Turquoise isn't much of a people person, for the very reason that being around people for too long is exhausting and painful for him; he's easily overwhelmed by the wash of emotions he feels when in others' company. To him, this is normal; he knows it's not normal for others though, so he can't talk about it. It's easiest to just keep to himself as much as possible. Charlie Company gives him this opportunity whenever it's their turn to patrol the trenches the Rats dig at the edge of the woods within which HQ is located; he sits off by himself and keeps an eye on things and occasionally doodles in his little notebook. He still draws pictures of corpse-mountains and walking skeletons but new images have crept in among them, tunnels with walls of earth cascading down, the sky falling. He knows it means something but not what. The what becomes clear only some time later when the location of Trench Rat Headquarters is leaked to the Germans and they launch a coordinated attack on all the companies; I can't find my company list at the moment 😳 but I seem to recall Delta and Echo Companies are the ones patrolling the trenches that day, Charlie Company (Turquoise's) is out in the woods, and Alpha and Bravo Companies are at Headquarters. Delta and Echo suffer few losses while successfully fending off the Germans; Alpha and Bravo are the least fortunate, suffering heavy losses when HQ is bombed from above, caving the walls in and burying many of them alive. Sgt. Camo Rat, Cpl. Drake Rat, and Cpl. Anna Julian (the one who, it turns out, leaked the location of HQ to her SS handlers) are captured alive.

This leaves Charlie Company, which is out patrolling in the woods at the time. Turquoise has been "off" all day, distracted and tense; his feelings of foreboding just increase the longer the company walks along the forest road. It's peaceful and quiet, with no aircraft or threats overhead, so they walk openly although Copper is keeping his eyes open, and keeping them on Turquoise. When they come to a fork in the road and start to head one way, Turquoise abruptly halts, staring--it's just a rough path extending ahead of them, but in his mind he sees something else--he sees streams of blood running through the dirt, tastes the salt in his mouth, smells the gunsmoke. His feet refuse to move. He hardly notices when Copper calls the others to a halt and directs them off the path. He steps up to Turquoise and says, "Which way?" Turquoise is silent for a moment before murmuring, "We need to get back to Headquarters." Something about the look in his eyes unsettles Copper, and he directs the company to head back the way they came--though he does temporarily leave the company to take a quick but careful look along the road they just turned away from. Copper grew up hunting in the Louisiana bayou, so he knows how to sneak around and lie low. Just a few minutes of peeking around in the bushes, and he sees what they all otherwise would have missed if they'd simply gone walking through as they'd originally planned: a glint of a gun here, a helmet there. The woods along the road are riddled with camouflaged Wehrmacht troops waiting in ambush. If Charlie Company had gone that way, they would've been gunned down in an instant. Copper rejoins his company and they head back toward HQ.

They hear the chaos ahead before they see it, and pick up their pace. They meet members of Delta and Echo Companies along the way, and they race to what's left of Headquarters, which is severely damaged; most of the ground attack had been focused on the other companies, with only a handful of German soldiers on hand to find and grab Camo, Drake, and Julian, so there isn't any significant force to fight off--now it's mainly a matter of rescuing the wounded and trapped. Doomsday Rat himself has spearheaded this effort--his increased strength and stamina, a result of the experiment he was subjected to, help him push aside obstacles and dig through the earth. By now he's running on autopilot, digging and tossing aside rubble without cease, his hands torn and filthy and bloody. The newly arrived Rats jump right in to help, though Turquoise's ability to be useful now proves limited--he starts hyperventilating, feeling as if his chest is being crushed, and has to be taken aside for a presumed panic attack. He's never experienced anything quite like this before so he doesn't protest, although it wears on him that he can't do more to help.

Casualties in Alpha and Bravo Companies are massive, and the Rats contact their allies to get in touch with the US. Before long, replacement troops are sent, including a new sergeant and corporal, Black and Gold. The theory is that Teal Rat, whom they now know is in fact still alive, gave away the HQ location to the enemy, though some of them are doubtful, including Turquoise; he didn't get along well with Teal, but Teal didn't seem like the type. Damage to one wing of HQ is so bad they can't dig their way through it, and thus can't recover anyone who may be left within; so it's unclear at first what Camo's, Drake's, and Julian's fates are. The Rats rebuild what they can and set back to work, stealing Nazi documentation and helping prisoners and refugees, because it's clear now what the Nazis are up to: Forcing "undesirables" into camps to be worked to death or outright killed. The emaciated dead are often piled like cordwood, and many are shoved into giant ovens to be burned. Turquoise's earlier visions make a lot more sense, now.

While patrolling out in the country, a group of the Rats come under fire from a sniper (this could be Ratdog, I'm not sure) and since they can't pinpoint his location, they seek shelter. They spot a young woman waving them forward--they have no idea who she is, but follow her as they have no other choice. She leads them into the cellar of a farmhouse where they stay until the gunfire ceases; eventually she lets them up into the house itself, where the Rats meet her family. This is Nixie (a character dating at least to the circa-2000 reboot but whom I've never spent much time on, for reasons that'll probably become clear in this entry), and she and her family oppose the Nazi regime; they aren't part of any of the organized resistance efforts the Rats know of, but they do what few small acts they can to help. When Nixie takes Turquoise's hand, he feels a jolt, and a barrage of unfamiliar images flashes through his mind; Nixie lets go, and the look on her face tells him she just experienced the same thing. Neither of them says anything about it, though, being too overwhelmed; the two groups part ways, though Nixie's family promises to offer the Rats what help and information they can, and the Rats, in return, promise to bring some supplies and food the family has been needing. Turquoise is lost in thought as they leave, still trying to process everything. It's startling for him to suddenly know everything about a person--in that instant he saw Nixie's entire life unfold, and he's pretty sure she saw his. There's one thing he doesn't know, however, and this is that now, the two of them are inextricably linked.

This becomes clear only when, one day not long after, something hits him like a mental ton of bricks--he's nearly knocked breathless from the shock of it. A feeling of sheer terror and grief overwhelms him and he has no idea what it is until a voice seems to cry out in his head, "Amerikanischer Soldat!--American soldier!" Turquoise doesn't speak German, but it's as if the voice is translated, and he recognizes it as Nixie's. Somehow, she's in his head, calling out to him directly. He doesn't know how to react but sends out a vague mental question wondering what's happening. Nixie responds in kind, not with words, but with emotions--primarily raw panic--something terrible is happening, and she's calling out to him for help, since she doesn't know who else she can ask. Unfortunately, Turquoise is too far away from her home to go and directly help, so he does the next best thing he can think of--he shuts his eyes, calls up the image of her, and wraps his own mental image's arms around her. "Nixie" embraces him back, and the overpowering feelings of fear abruptly fall away as if they're enclosed in their own little bubble, away from everything else. Turquoise makes sure to keep his arms around her lest the connection break; he looks around at the mental bubble surrounding them, but everything outside is indistinct. He can feel something terribly unpleasant occurring just outside his realm of sight, but at the very least he can try to keep Nixie's mind safe, in here. He waits a bit for her to calm down.

Turquoise: "You can understand me?"

Nixie: (nods)

Turquoise: "We're safe here, I guess."

Nixie: "D...danke. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do."

Turquoise: "It's all right."

Nixie: "I didn't mean to drag you into this but I didn't know who else I could reach. You're the only one I know who can do this."

Turquoise: "It's all right."

Nixie: "We tried to keep them out but they have guns."

Turquoise: "Who? What's going on?"

Nixie: "Soldiers. German soldiers. I think they suspect. They threatened my parents. We didn't tell them about your people. We didn't tell them anything but it doesn't matter, they don't believe us."

Turquoise: "Your parents, are they all right? Have they hurt them--?"

Nixie: "Not yet. I think they knew they wouldn't talk. Not even at gunpoint. One of them grabbed my arm. Said if guns don't convince them to talk then maybe I will. He pulled me into the bedroom." (hugs Turquoise tighter, pleading) "Bitte, don't let me go. I don't want to go back yet."

Turquoise finally gets exactly what's happening. He feels awful that he can't do anything else, but keeps mental hold of Nixie, promising not to let go. Despite this vow, after a while he feels her growing further away, less distinct; he tries to look at her, and she looks back, but before his eyes she starts fading away. He calls out--although he doesn't know her name--and tries to keep holding on but it's as if she turns to mist and slips through his fingers. Then, just like that, he's awake again--letting out a startled angry yell at the abrupt jolt of pain. His whole body hurts as if he's been beaten, but it was the severing of the connection between Nixie and himself that hurt the most. He's overcome by fear that this must mean she's been killed; he can't think of a legitimate excuse to request a unit to return to her property, but he does manage to convince Burgundy, the battalion's surgeon, to accompany him there under the pretext that the family had requested a medical visit previously. The two arrive at the farmhouse but before they can go inside, Burgundy grabs Turquoise's arm and hauls him back, pulling his pistol. Turquoise looks up and sees what Burgundy noticed--the front door has been broken in. He pulls his own gun although he doesn't sense any threat. With Burgundy leading the way, they creep into the house and start peering around, searching the silent rooms; there are obvious signs of violence, yet nobody in sight. "The cellar," Turquoise says, as it's the only place they haven't searched yet, and as they descend, his feeling of fear--which he realizes isn't his feeling--grows stronger. They at last locate Nixie's family huddled in the far corner, all of them alive. Nixie is in rough shape--it's obvious she's been beaten. As soon as she sees Turquoise, however, her eyes light up and she says in halting English, "Amerikanischer Soldat. You come for me."

Burgundy speaks fluent German, and this, as well as the red cross on his helmet, help convince the family to come out of the cellar and into the light where he can look them over. He questions Nixie's parents while checking their relatively mild injuries; Nixie holds Turquoise's hand tight the entire time, though he can feel that she isn't afraid anymore; the emotion of gratitude is palpable. He has to coax her into letting go of him so Burgundy can check her out privately; her fear spikes a little, but disappears when he says she can trust Burgundy. They go into the next room. Nixie's parents sit silent nearby, staring at the floor; Turquoise says nothing. He can sense their emotions, but most of all he can sense Nixie's--the shame is crushing. He excuses himself to go outside and get some air.

Burgundy joins him a bit later and confirms the story Nixie had told Turquoise in his vision: Several German soldiers broke into the house and threatened the family, demanding whatever information they had on the Trench Rats. When they refused to answer, one of the soldiers dragged Nixie off to the bedroom, saying, "If our guns won't make you talk, maybe the Fräulein's screams will." Nixie has all the signs of having been beaten and raped. Burgundy gave her what medical attention he could, though she refuses to accompany them back to Trench Rat Headquarters; she comes out to wish Turquoise farewell, grasping his hands and smiling at him. Her reaction confuses him: "I didn't stop it, I didn't get here in time to help you." Nixie replies, "You help. You make it go away. Keep me safe. I help you. If I can. Danke, Amerikanischer Soldat."

Turquoise can't think of how a farm girl can help him out, yet she does, when some time later the Rats are attacked by a group of Nazi soldiers with a strange type of gun they've never seen before--it doesn't shoot bullets, instead it sends out some kind of pressurized blast. Turquoise is the one to bear the brunt of this, the blast sending him flying and slamming him to the ground. He can literally feel himself leave his body--a glance over his shoulder, and he sees himself, lying on the ground, eyes wide and blank and blood streaming from his mouth and nose, the other Rats hurrying to surround him. Then, it feels as if he's being yanked by a chain and dragged at overwhelming speed across the universe itself; he cries out in pain and surprise, then abruptly jerks to a halt. Blinks his eyes open, looks around. Sees just swirling haziness surrounding him. When he looks down at himself, he's hazy and indistinct; he sees a fragile silvery strand coming out of his chest. While he's marveling over this, something glows in front of him, then takes shape--it's Nixie, and she too has an odd silvery cord attached to her. When she sees him her face lights up again and she hurries forward to take his hands; when they touch he feels the jolt, and both of them become clearer and more solid.

Nixie: "I got you!"

Turquoise: "What is this? What happened?"

Nixie: "What do you remember last?"

Turquoise: (thinking) "Something hit me. Something hard. I landed on the ground..." (confused) (looks around) "Where is this? What are we doing here?"

Nixie: "You left yourself. You nearly died. You see this...?" (takes hold of his silver cord) "It shouldn't look like this, it should look like mine."

Turquoise: "What is this thing--? How do I get it off?"

Nixie: "Nein! You don't! If it breaks, you can't go back."

Turquoise: "Back where--?"

Nixie: "Your body. Your life. You saw it, ja?--on the ground."

Turquoise: (growing alarmed) "I'm dead...?"

Nixie: "Not yet. But almost. If you'd kept going. I found you, though. It's not time yet, you wouldn't be here talking with me, I wouldn't be able to help you stay. But I can't make you go back, you have to do it yourself."

Turquoise: "How? I don't have this ability, I don't know what this is."

Nixie: "But you do! You always have! You're just not good enough."

Turquoise: "What--?"

Nixie: "You're not skilled enough yet. You need to practice. Remember--I saw your life, and you saw mine. We're the same, you and me. We were born like this. I've never met anyone else like this. Your talent is so strong, but you need to practice it."

Turquoise: "But...I've never seen this thing before." (takes the string)

Nixie: "It was always there, believe me. How do you think you were able to see things? Things far away no one else can see? This is how. You're not good at it yet, though. The things you see are foggy, you don't see them well, ja? Like looking through...ah...faraway spectacles?" (pantomimes)

Turquoise: "Binoculars."

Nixie: "Ja! Das Fernglas. Binoculars."

Turquoise: "Why didn't it translate that...? This is weird."

Nixie: "After a while you don't ask why, you just ask how. But the way you've seen things is like through binoculars. Far away, out of focus. You practice, you see things clearer, closer. You've always been able, like me. Which means you can go back. You just have to follow this." (takes string)

Turquoise: "I just...follow it?"

Nixie: "Ja, it's not so hard." (takes his arm) "I'll be holding on to you. Like you did to me. I'll make sure you make it."

Turquoise: "How do I start?"

Nixie: "Your Herz, ja...?" (touches his chest) "Listen to what it says."

Turquoise isn't sure how this goes but decides to just try to go with it. He takes a breath, shuts his eyes, focuses on his heart thudding in his chest, envisions it attached to the string. Feels as if his feet are leaving the "ground," although there's no ground to stand on--he feels a bite of terror, but Nixie squeezes his arm--"That's it! Keep trying. I'll hold on to you." Slowly, he feels like he's floating backwards, wind whistling past, but Nixie keeps hold, so he manages to keep himself calm, especially since he suspects if he panics, he'll lose whatever this is. As he starts moving faster, and faster, though, he can't fight down the fear anymore, especially when Nixie says she has to let him go. "I'm falling!" he cries, but she says this is part of it, and she can't keep holding on to him as he returns to himself. Her grasp slips away and again he calls out--again he doesn't know her name, though it doesn't matter--he grasps at thin air as he plummets back and downward, screaming as he expects to slam into the ground--then he's sucking in a sharp breath, and with a blink he sees one of his fellow Trench Rats stumble back with a startled yell. He starts gasping for air as it feels like it's been knocked out of him--his whole body hurts, but especially his heart, like it's nearly been yanked out of his chest. He's lying on the ground in the same position he last saw himself in after the Nazi weapon went off. His fellow Rats creep close again--"He had no pulse!" the one who'd yelled keeps exclaiming in disbelief--and once it's clear he's indeed alive, they carefully help him up and head back to HQ.

While the others are reporting on the worrisome new weapon, Copper, who'd been present, stops by the medical ward--Burgundy has checked Turquoise out, he's bruised and battered but otherwise all right--and says under his breath, "What's 'nixie'?" Turquoise blinks--he's never heard the word before but automatically he knows it's the farm girl's name--yet he feigns ignorance. Copper insists he yelled the word right as he came to; he's been looking around in various dictionaries and books trying to figure out what it means, the only thing he at last comes across being a type of water spirit the rustic Germans believe in. Turquoise himself has always felt a strong connection to water (he's a Cancer, and here I encourage you to check out his "theme song," "Cool Change" by Little River Band), so he's rather unsettled by this, but again says he has no idea what Copper's talking about. Copper is forced to let the matter drop.

Turquoise decides it's time to go meet Nixie directly again. She's glad to see him: "You make it back all right! Ja? I tell you so. You help me and I help you." When he asks if her name is Nixie, she confirms this (she isn't the least bit surprised that he knows), and mentions how "close" she feels to the water, so the name is fitting; she asks his name, and he gives his codename, Turquoise. "Toor...koyz? Toor-kwaz...?" Nixie echoes, perplexed; he points at the turquoise-colored band on his arm and understanding sparks: "Ah! Türkis." Her English is poor, and his German is almost nonexistent, but they seem to understand each other on some unspoken level; when he expresses confusion over this, Nixie takes his hands.

Nixie: "You see me, I see you...you remember? Ja? Mein Leben, dein Leben."

Turquoise: "Leben...?"

Nixie: "Ah...not Tod. Still working." (touches his chest) "Breathing."

Turquoise: "Alive--? Life."

Nixie: "Ja...'life.' You see me, I see you. Everything."

Turquoise: "I remember."

Nixie: "Since this..." (touches his chest, then hers, then his)

Turquoise: "Connected."

Nixie: "'Connected.' You and me, is like, Eins. One." (touches his chest) "Ein Herz. Eine Seele."

Turquoise: "Seele...?"

Nixie: (pensive) "Ah...Geist?"

Turquoise: "Spirit?" (understanding) "Soul."

Nixie: "Ja...'soul.' One soul."

Turquoise: "Eine Seele."

Nixie: (smiles)

(Authorial aside, I'm doing my best, but correct my German if need be, foreign language isn't my thing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

Over the course of the story, Turquoise and Nixie have various interactions as they get to know each other and she helps him understand the way he is; similar to his family being "sensitives," she explains that "second sight" runs in hers, so this is why her parents weren't surprised by her abilities. Despite this, Turquoise is the only other person she's met with the same abilities. She expresses an unusual insight that proves just how much she understands what he's going through, why he tends to keep to himself: "Loneliness hurt. But other people, to be with them hurt more...sometimes, is easier to just be alone."

More than once, Turquoise displays the ability to "see" someone else's entire life merely by grasping their hand, similar to what happened with Nixie--it's overwhelming for him, and startling for the other party, though unlike Nixie, they don't see his life in return, and he doesn't form the same strong connection to them as he has to her. Nixie again explains this as the connection between their souls, that generally one experiences this with only one other person. Turquoise deliberately tries this with partisan leader Didrika, though only after she challenges him to and insults him when he refuses (she'd heard the spreading rumor of him having "powers" and wanted him to prove it); he grasps her hand, sees and feels the barrage of images, then Didrika yanks her hand free, angry and alarmed. Turquoise simply says, "I'm sorry for what he did to you," but the comment has a profound effect; Didrika goes white as a sheet, and doesn't question his abilities again.

Another, although accidental, recipient of Turquoise's ability is SS captain Otto Himmel; when going to check on Turquoise after Turquoise collapses, he reaches down to push on Turquoise's arm, only to get his hand grabbed. He lets out a startled noise and pulls loose, stumbling back and drawing his gun.

Himmel: "Try that again!"

Turquoise: (panting, weak) "You're not like the others."

Himmel: "What--?"

Turquoise: "Why are you wearing that uniform? When you don't believe what they believe?"

Himmel: (alarmed look)

Turquoise: (pause) "They'll kill him if they find out, won't they?...I won't tell anyone."

Himmel: (increasingly rattled) "I don't know what you're talking about! But you try that again, and I'll put a bullet in your head!"

This incident ends up working in the Trench Rats' favor. Turquoise and Nixie are in each other's company later on when they're suddenly confronted by sniper Lt. Ratdog and his companion PFC Klemper; Ratdog despises the Trench Rats (due to a misunderstanding and a very big lie), and points his rifle at Turquoise, who puts himself in front of Nixie. Someone orders them down, however, and approaches; it's Capt. Himmel. Turquoise doesn't understand most of what's going on, just that Ratdog is angry about this--he and Himmel exchange a few words--yet obeys. Himmel strides to Turquoise and squats in front of him, talking so only he and Nixie can hear. He briefly mentions the "Wunderwaffe"--the weapon Turquoise had a run-in with--but says that while it's a genuine project, it pales in comparison to, and is basically a distraction from, the big project the Nazis are working on. Turquoise assumes he means Project Doomsday, but Himmel instead uses the term Uranspaltung--when Turquoise just looks blank, he translates it as uranium fission. "Mention it to your scientist friends," Himmel says at his perplexed look, "and they'll get it." As he starts to push himself up to leave, Turquoise asks, "Why are you telling me this?" to which Himmel replies, "I don't like being in debt." Basically, Himmel tips the Rats off that it isn't merely a medical experiment they need to worry about, the Nazis are up to even bigger, more alarming things--Turquoise mentions "Uranspaltung" to Burgundy and Doomsday, and they confirm that this most likely refers to a bomb, the destructive power of which nobody has ever heard before. It would make the rest of their bombs look like firecrackers in comparison.

(By the way, while making sure I got the term "Wunderwaffe" right--actually I'd misspelled it--I came across THIS ENTRY that is along the lines of the mysterious weapon in my story. And yep, turns out the Nazis actually did experiment with such ideas. And even crazier ones, too. Giant solar lens to fry people like ants, anyone...?)

Nuclear stuff is WAYYYYY over my head so this part of the story never goes into detail... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyway, like Copper, Himmel--who has the same sort of spiritual religious bent as Turquoise (he's a lapsed Catholic and often has "visions" of his dead wife, and believes in the possibility of mystical experiences)--recognizes something supernatural is at work, and REALLY does not want his secret getting out, so he pays Turquoise back, and outs himself as being disloyal to the Nazi cause, though Turquoise does keep his promise not to tell.

Nixie gets a look at Turquoise's notebook of sketches; he expects her to be repelled, but she seems sad instead--"Feel like a curse, ja?--seeing so much bad, doing so little good." She encourages him to find a way to use his abilities to help others. Turquoise can't think of anything useful he can do--his ability to sense future events is so weak he can never act in time--but a solution at last occurs to him when the Trench Rats seek survivors in a village which was recently attacked. The closer they get to a particular house, the harder his heart beats and his breath comes; he at last comes to a halt, trying not to panic. He doesn't understand this until Copper stops beside him and says, "Which building?" He looks toward the nearby house, and Copper gestures for several Rats to enter and look around. They locate several people hiding within; Turquoise had sensed their fear and pinpointed their location, "Like a landmine detector," Copper says. Turquoise is skeptical that this can be very useful but this time Copper is the one to urge him to work on this skill--like Nixie and Turquoise's mother, he claims to come from a family of "sensitives," and while he himself inherited no such abilities, "I know hoodoo powers when I see 'em." He convinces Turquoise to walk point with him to "sniff out" living souls in the areas the Rats visit to seek refugees and wounded. And at last, Turquoise's clairvoyance and empathy prove useful rather than just bothersome; he senses the fear and pain of survivors, and the hostility of concealed enemy forces, as well as their general location. (It really speaks to the effectiveness of this technique that even the hyper-rational Burgundy accepts it at face value, theorizing that some as-yet unknown scientific principle could explain it.) It isn't perfect--the further away he is, the weaker the feeling, so he often needs to get quite close to detect exactly where someone is, plus the emotions get more overwhelming the more people there are in one area, which threatens to emotionally shut him down; as well, he can handle only so much of this at a time before getting completely exhausted and needing to rest. Still, it's far more than what the Rats had before, and he keeps at it as it dampens the guilt he still feels over being unable to help Camo and Drake or Nixie.

Word about his talent gets out, however--Didrika's partisans hear of it, and so eventually the Nazis do, too. All their scientific efforts focus on the creation of a superweapon--whether man or machine, they don't care, any will do. Project Doomsday focuses on the creation of a genetically modified super soldier, whereas the "Wunderwaffe" and uranium projects focus on a weapon itself; the Nazis end up splitting into different groups regarding which should receive the most focus. Allgemeine-SS major Ludolf Jäger, who's more interested in the preservation and advancement of life (he theoretically opposes the Final Solution, believing the Jews and others should have been expelled rather than killed), focuses on Project Doomsday (run by Himmel's brother-in-law, Dietmar Kammler)--he thinks the super soldiers could be used to, in effect, "break a few eggs to make an omelet"; whereas officials in the Waffen-SS focus on the development of a machine weapon capable of mass destruction. Still, a weapon is a weapon, and when news of Turquoise's talent finally reaches the SS, both parties are interested. In theory, someone like Turquoise would serve Jäger's purposes better, but Jäger is rather skeptical, and it's the Waffen-SS who hear about this first, anyway; a lieutenant colonel (this is a completely new character *moans* who needs a name) in the Waffen-SS expresses interest in obtaining use of someone with such abilities for scientific study, though since this doesn't involve a machine weapon he needs to get funding through Jäger's department, and presumably, Jäger's scientists will conduct the study. (Kammler is peeved about this, wanting to focus all the attention and resources on his pet project rather than on "pseudoscientific junk.")

Turquoise, as a Trench Rat, is a hard target, so they get hold of Nixie, I believe killing her parents in the process and bringing her to project headquarters where the lieutenant colonel orders her treated like any camp prisoner, having her head shorn and being put in a striped uniform. (The guards have no idea what badge to put on her. They end up going with the black triangle that marks people as mental defectives.) The building is locked down to test her abilities, and several parties are unwittingly trapped inside at the time, among them Ratdog, Klemper, Himmel, Rosina Kestler (one of Jäger's secretaries and Himmel's coworker), and Jäger himself; Jäger invites the others along to come watch while they're awaiting their chance to leave. They go to the room where the lieutenant colonel and Dr. Kammler are waiting already, and Himmel is dismayed by the state Nixie's in but can say nothing. The lieutenant colonel demands she show off her powers; she claims she has none she can overtly display, but, assuming she and Turquoise possess the ability to deflect the Wunderwaffe with their minds, he threatens her to show them SOMETHING. Nixie finally asks for his hand; he's puzzled, but removes his glove and holds it out. Nixie grasps it and he feels a jolt; a moment later he pulls free, demanding to know what she did. Nixie, struggling to recover from everything she just saw, merely replies, "You...are an awful, evil man!" She gets a swift backhand to the face, but Jäger orders the other officer not to hit her again; the other officer tries pulling rank, but Jäger reminds him who holds the purse strings. Since he didn't see any obvious display of powers either, he declares a lack of interest in the potential project and turns to leave; "And what am I to do with her, send her to the camp--?" the lieutenant colonel exclaims; Nixie realizes this could very well happen, and so abruptly speaks up.

Nixie: "Einsatzgruppen."

Jäger: (halts)

Nixie: (gruff voice, as if holding a conversation with herself) "'But we don't have the authority to make such a decision.' 'F**k authority. You think it matters? They're just Untermenschen. No one will care about them.'"

Jäger: (turns around and looks at her)

Nixie: "'Call them together, send them out and get it done.' 'But it's not even in our jurisdiction, there'll be consequences.' 'Quit being such cowards! What is it you think he can do to us? He's a pencil pusher, a glorified secretary, a bureaucrat. Just do what I say, and get it over with.'"

(Earlier in the story, Klemper literally stumbled into a pit of bodies in the countryside; he, Ratdog, Himmel, and Jäger inspected the site, concluding it was the work of the Einsatzgruppen, mobile SS killing units that tend to follow the Wehrmacht around like vultures and slaughter groups of villagers, leaving them in killing pits like the one Klemper fell into. Klemper's Wehrmacht unit has no such affiliation, but even more perplexing, this particular area is under the jurisdiction of Jäger's section of the Allgemeine-SS (the SS branch in charge of the Einsatzgruppen), yet Jäger never called together a killing unit--he's opposed to the use of Einsatzgruppen. Jäger managed to find the leader of this particular death squad, called him to his office, and upbraided him; when the guy argued back, Jäger shot him. The person actually responsible for calling out the unit had remained a mystery until now.)

Jäger: (looking at the lieutenant colonel) "You ordered the unit."

Obersturmbannführer: "She's making s**t up now! Why do you listen to her--?"

Dr. Kammler: "You were the one who called this experiment! Said to listen to her!"

Jäger: "Well?"

Obersturmbannführer: (throwing up hands) "All right! So what! Ja, I called the unit. These people are a threat that needs taking care of and your office was doing nothing."

Jäger: (getting angry) "You do not have this authority."

Obersturmbannführer: "Someone had to do something. And what does it matter? They're Untermenschen! No one cares that they're gone."

Jäger: (voice rising) "I will not tolerate people going over MY HEAD!!"

Just like last time--Jäger pulls out his pistol and shoots the officer. Nixie and Kestler cover their eyes, everyone else gapes. Jäger yells for the lieutenant colonel's men to come in and take away his body; he angrily declares the experiment over, having no interest in the talent Nixie displayed. Klemper reaches to help Nixie to her feet, but quickly pulls his hand away after she touches him; he rubs it as if shocked and Nixie murmurs, "You didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve any of it." A few guards take her away and the others leave as well.

Jäger ends up sanctioned for this--he did just murder a superior officer (albeit in a different branch of the SS), after all--but he's essential enough that to him it's merely a slap on the wrist: "I've been meaning to spend more time with Magda and die Kinder anyway." He departs while the others try to figure out what's become of Nixie; rather than go to Kammler, she was taken away in a truck. A bit of digging reveals she was taken to the nearby camp after all. This is a combination labor and extermination camp--unwanted prisoners who are taken there often end up in the gas chamber--so they're suitably alarmed, and Himmel goes to talk with the commandant. Major Konstantin Klaus is dumbfounded by his questions: "I'm used to you people taking my sticks (prisoners) away, not sending me more!" He can't remember Nixie personally until Himmel mentions she came on a truck, and gives a general date and time range; after a moment's reflection Klaus gives the day and time she left and the name of the camp she was sent to: "My camp don't take women, we barely got room for the men." So, Nixie is still alive; or at least, she was, but her fate in the next camp may not be so good.

Turquoise is likewise trying to find out what happened to Nixie; a visit to her house results in the Rats finding the bodies of her parents, so he knows she's in immense danger. They run into Ratdog and Klemper, who are seeking the train Nixie was taken away on; the two groups call a temporary truce since they have the same immediate objective. Turquoise tries focusing to sense Nixie, and, picking up a direction, goes running, Klemper following quickly after. When he briefly loses the trail, Klemper picks it up, knowing a railroad track is nearby; he damages the track with his Panzerfaust, and the train is far enough away to come to a stop to avoid derailment. (Though Klemper and one of the Rats argue briefly over this action, neither one fully understanding the other since the Rats don't speak German and the Germans don't speak English.) When the engineer and other crew angrily get out and start yelling at Klemper and Ratdog, the Rats take them captive; Turquoise hurries to the cattle cars, though it's difficult for him to do so--he can sense the emotions of everyone inside. He stops at one of the cars and isn't strong enough to force it open; Klemper breaks the lock with the butt of his rifle and they haul the doors open. The car is full of prisoners who are in moderately okay shape--they haven't spent much time in captivity yet--but hungry, exhausted, and panicked. The Germans and the Rats start helping them off; Turquoise waits until the crowd has thinned before climbing in to look at the straggling few remaining. Nixie is huddled in the corner with her arms over her head, also overwhelmed by all the emotion; yet she senses Turquoise, looks up at him, and offers a weak smile. "Amerikanischer Soldat. You come for me."

Turquoise helps Nixie to the doors and Ratdog reaches up for her; she grasps his hand on the way down but once she's safely on the ground he pulls free, rubbing his fingers and frowning at her pensively. She gives him an equally perplexed look and says in German (so Turquoise doesn't understand), "You're wrong. You're mad at the wrong people." He just looks even more confused, not knowing what she's talking about. The others open up the remaining cars and the Rats make plans to take the freed prisoners back to HQ for safety. Klemper asks Nixie if she speaks English and relays a message to Turquoise: "He say they return to das Heer...they get big trouble if they don't." Turquoise holds out his hand, Klemper reaches for it, then makes a noise, pulls back, offers a halfhearted salute instead and leaves with Ratdog. Turquoise, Nixie, the Rats, and their captives and freed prisoners head in the opposite direction.

...There'll be more to Turquoise's, and Nixie's, stories--this is already far longer than I'd thought it'd be, most of this coming to me as I typed. And already, further developments regarding Nixie's part in the plot--including me almost creating ANOTHER new character, only for one I've already made mild use of in the past to step forward and offer himself for the role--are developing. Those will have to percolate a bit longer, though. I'm pretty sure both continue to work on developing their powers to help the Allies, and the Nazis keep working on their projects aiming for a super soldier or an Übermensch, all of this leading to the craziness that ensues in Ultima Thule, though I'm so far unsure how big a role Turquoise plays in that and if Nixie plays a role at all. I do know she and Turquoise inevitably grow close since their souls are connected, after all, and I believe both survive the series, though there's always time for a more unfortunate ending to develop. :/

[Turquoise Rat 2022 [‎Friday, ‎December ‎9, ‎2022, ‏‎3:00:12 AM]]

#artists on tumblr #ibisPaint x #SketchDaily #original characters

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nottobehornyonthemain · 8 months ago

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1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

(Long history with this one, but let’s just say my personal copy of it is the item that family members have told me is the litmus tests if I should ever disappear. If it’s still here, I did not go willingly.)

2. Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkein

(When I was 12 I was in a weird place, and my mother, who adores the movies, told me that she’d never actually read the books. It took me several weeks, and one night where my mom came to check on me because my light was still on after midnight, only to find that I had fallen asleep and was drooling on top of Return of the King.)

3. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

(First Brontë I ever read, and I listened to it on audio first. Two years ago I gave my grandparents, who never actually pick gifts, they just want Amazon links sent to them, a choice between Jagged Little Pill on vinyl, and a nice copy of Jane Eyre. Apparently they decided Jane Eyre was less scandalous.)

4. Harry Potter series

(My mom read all seven of these out loud to me and my siblings over the course of seven years.)

5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

(The summer before I started college, so when I was 15, I worked twice a week at my local library, and I would always go home with huge stacks of books because I was going through one every day, or two if it was particularly dense. I read this one that summer, mostly while spread out on a picnic blanket in my backyard, and I think that’s how it was always intended to be read.)

6. The Bible

(Yes. All of it. In case my blog hasn’t given it away by now, my religious upbringing was… intense.)

7. Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

(I read this book once for school when I was 14 and hated it. I read it again when I was 16 and bought a copy in Grand Central Station, still hated it. But when I read it again at 19, because I was extremely bored at work and saw it on audio? So yeah, I read a book I knew I hated twice, it shouldn’t have surprised me when I realized I actually liked it and it was important to me.)

8. Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

(I actually got into a discussion with my collage English professor at one point about what our favorite books where, and I mentioned Orwell, he had thought I ment this one, but I was talking about Animal Farm. This made me a little self conscious, because I hadn’t read the bigger hit, so I immediately wandered up to the school library and checked this one out, just so I could say I’d read it by Wednesday when class met again.)

9. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

(I had a hot Charles Dickens summer one year. This was the first one I read, and it was because of Into the Spiderverse. Miles Morales is a role model.)

10. Little Women – Louisa M Alcott

(I do not love this book. I have watched every adaptation that has ever been made, yes, even the anime. The Greta Gerwig one is pretty good because I’m a sucker for non-linear narratives and Florence Pugh and Timothée Chalamet are pretty good at it.)

11. Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

(In December of 2021, I realized that I had never read this book, and had the opportunity to do something very funny. So yeah. I read what is considered to be one of the greatest novels of the 20th century as a joke to myself. Anyway, it’s very good, you should probably read it, especially if you like WWII stories and Kafka. Again, love a non-linear narrative.)

12. Complete Works of Shakespeare

(Yes. I got a complete edition at a library book sale, and drew stars on the cover in white gel pen so people would know it was mine, because I’m apparently that bitch. Although, I haven’t read the lost plays (obviously) so I don’t know if I can honestly say I’ve read the Complete works.)

13. Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

(I read this after watching Hannibal the series for the second time because I got into a very deep Gothic Romance mood. I also accidentally got my friend to read it because we were comparing our current reads at the time, and that is how I ended up reading We Always Lived in a Castle.)

14. The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

(The far superior Tolkien work in my personal taste. I love it. One of my friends reads this book once a year, and I love that for them, I’m not quite that in love with it, but this is about where my limits on where I can enjoy fantasy lie. Like, I’ll read higher stuff if I make myself, but I’ll tell you right now, I’m going to finish and move the fuck on.)

15. Catcher in the Rye

(It’s by J. D. Salinger, by the way. The list didn’t have an author on there. Read this one the same summer as To Kill a Mockingbird. Anyway, I love that Holden Caulfield was just some fucking guy that Salinger made up and decided to put in a bunch of his works, without bothering to make it into a series by making timelines or middle names match. He really just put his OC in situations, and I love that.)

16. Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

(My brother used to work a job where he would help a guy in town sort through old books that he got from somewhere, and pick out ones that were still readable from ones that had been completely ruined, and he made a few bucks an hour and got to take home any books he wanted, and the guy would sell the good ones for like fifty cents somewhere. But my brother would always bring home books he thought people would like. At the time I was obsessed with the costume designs Walter Plunkett had done for the 1939 mega-hit film. So, when my brother found one while sorting through books, I ended up being gifted the most beaten up copy of Gone With the Wind I’ve ever seen in my life.)

17. The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

(I am obnoxious about this book. I can, and have, talked for hours about this book. There is an audiobook for this book narrated by Jake Gyllenhaal, he is perfect for Nick Carraway. This book is the save me meme for me.)

18. Bleak House – Charles Dickens

(Again. Charles Dickens summer.)

19. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

(Did I read this book after I listened to Great Comet? Yes. Did I read all of it? Also yes. Having done so, and legitimately liking quite a lot of it, I do recommend it if you liked Great Comet, because the detail you get to go into is great, and makes you feel like a huge nerd. Also, recommend for people who want a 55 hour long audiobook.)

20. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

(There’s an audiobook for this one narrated by Steven Fry. It’s also one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.)

21. Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

(Have I ever mentioned that I hate “it was all a dream/no one remembers” endings? Because I hate “it was all a dream/no one remembers” endings. I do, however, really like “person goes to a fucked up new place” stories. So I guess it balances out. The Cheshire Cat is on the list of characters I would commit war crimes to play.)

22. The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

(Me and my brother both read this book when we were younger and for years whenever we hear the name of this one, or literally anything with the word “wind” or “willows” in the title we’ll go “is that the one with the mole?”, because we think it’s funny.)

23. Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy

(I was once in a book club with two high school English teachers, and two housewives. We all made the mistake of letting one of the English teachers pick first, and this was the first and only book that club was assigned, as no one but me actually finished it. Anyway, the 2012 film version is a fucking masterpiece and I don’t know why it’s not talked about more.)

24. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

(Charles Dickens summer. I actually read Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver recently too, and that book is very very good, I would honestly say go read that one before this one.)

25. Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

(My brother was very into these when he was like, 15, and I read them. They’re not my favorite, and honestly, many people who like them more have more interesting things to say about them than I do.)

26. Emma – Jane Austen

(I don’t know what magic Austen put into this book to constantly get the best film adaptations made of it, but my god she did. It’s a triple header too, because the Gwyneth Paltrow one is a perfectly good older style straight Austen period film. Clueless is probably my favorite of the “let’s do a high school AU of this piece of classical literature” genre, and Emma. (2020) is… just about perfect.)

27. Persuasion – Jane Austen

(This is probably Austen’s best book from a craft standpoint. It’s not my favorite of her works because of nostalgia I have for pride and prejudice, but… I mean, it’s the getting back together one, which is my favorite romance subgenre. Idk, I would recommend this one first to anyone who was asking me where to start with Jane Austen.)

28. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

(Again. People who like this book more than I do definitely have more interesting things to say about it. That being said, the film version of this one fucking slaps, and if you haven’t recently, you should rewatch it.)

29. Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

(This is a book that I think would have greatly benefited from being written by a woman. Or someone who grew up in Japan. Or someone who didn’t get sued for breach of contract and defamation of character by one of the geisha he interviewed to write this novel. Anyway, I recommend Mineko Iwasaki’s autobiography, Geisha of Gion.)

30. Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

(I don’t have much to say about this one. I read, and then I read something else. This one wasn’t a cornerstone of my childhood like I know it was for a lot of people.)

31. Animal Farm – George Orwell

(One of my favorite books of all time. I read it for the first time at 14, and proceeded to read it 12 more times in two months. It’s a very fast read, and I had anti-totalitarianism sensibilities that were ripe for feeding.)

32. The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

(I’m not going to lie. I like the movie version of this one just fine. Read the book anyway. But, fun fact, when this movie came out I lived in Mississippi, and there was a campaign against my local library to get the book taken out of their catalog on the basis of blasphemy. So that’s wild.)

33. Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

(In contrast to my last point, this is one that is just so light, and airy, and just reading it makes you feel good. It’s like a scented candle in book form. And no film adaptation is ever going be able to capture that, because it’s not about seeing the world with Anne in it as something shining and beautiful, it’s about how Anne sees the world as something shining and beautiful, and she makes you see it that way too.)

34. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

(So, this book is great. We all know that. Now, onto storytime. Once upon a time in the 90’s, my dad got bored one day and decided to watch the 1990 movie version of this one, he didn’t know what it was about, but had heard that it was sci-fi, and had assumed it was some Star Wars for girls type thing. He was unprepared.)

35. Lord of the Flies – William Golding

(As a child, many elements of my life and behavior was compared to this book in a way that I, with my infinite understanding of social cues, picked up on the subtle fact that this was an insult. Thinking that I was somehow winning, I decided to read this book to prove… some point? And I ended up agreeing with the adults in my life, I absolutely was like that one kid who wanders off into the woods and is never seen again.)

36. Atonement – Ian McEwan

(I think one of my first posts on this blog was me reblogging gif sets from the film version of this.)

37. Life of Pi – Yann Martel

(Forever gate keeping Black Sails from people who think debating whether or not the tiger was real is important to understanding what the story is about.)

38. Dune – Frank Herbert

(I have been banned from talking about Dune around my family anymore after the time I got super wasted at a thanksgiving party my parents’s friends were hosting, and spent 35 minutes explaining Dune, with relevant facts about Frank Herbert’s life, to a woman who had mentioned that her husband has seen the newer one. She hadn’t even watched that one.)

39. Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

(This is my least favorite Austen novel. There’s some modern AU version of this that I read at one point that I don’t remember the name of, but there was this scene where the mom was standing on the beach and looking at golden retriever wondering if she could ask the owner for a clipping of its fur so she could show it to her hair colorist.)

40. A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

(Charles Dickens Summer!!!!)

41. Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

(If I had a nickel for every 20th century American novel about a deeply strange little man who had to deal with the devastating psychological affects of his best friend’s death, I would have I would have so many nickels.)

42. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

(I think there should be a rule about watching the Kubrick film where, in order to see it, you should have to write a five paragraph essay about the original novel.)

43. Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

(This book fucking rocks. It is also my number one on list of novels that I think would most benefit from a podcast adaptation. Not like, a read-along, but like, a story based on the Count of Monte Cristo would kill it in podcast form.)

44. On The Road – Jack Kerouac

(I’ve read it. I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not it was before or after watching supernatural.)

45. Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

(So there’s a The Wombats song called “Kill the Director” where the bridge is just “this is no Bridget Jones” several times, and I wasn’t familiar with the reference, so I looked it up, and somehow managed to miss the, extremely popular, film adaptation, and thought it was just a reference to the book. I didn’t realize my mistake until I mentioned it to someone who didn’t know there was a book, and had assumed I was talking about the film.)

46. Moby Dick – Herman Melville

(This is like War & Peace, in that it is a brick and there should be an adaptation that’s just the last 90 pages. But also, I read this book after reading a book of essays called “Why You Should Read Moby Dick” which, convinced me to read Moby Dick. But yeah, you could give this book to aliens and they would be able to recreate the 19th century whaling American industry from scratch.)

47. Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

(Charles Dickens Summer! Also, this is one of those books that was very obviously serialized and would probably benefit greatly from being presented in that format as opposed to in a novel, because it does drag on when it’s just one chunk.)

48. Dracula – Bram Stoker

(I’m not the biggest fan of epistolary novels, but hey, it’s Dracula. I’ve done it all. Every film adaptation? Yes. The Edward Gorey illustrated edition? Own it. Dracula Daily? Two years. Re: Dracula? Got the jumpscare of my life when Dr. Seward started talking because I didn’t realize Jonny Sims was in this.)

49. The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

(This book would have been greatly improved by less racism and more talking robins.)

50. The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

(This book would be greatly improved by more people who read it understanding what an unreliable narrator is.)

51. A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

(This is not a member of the Charles Dickens Summer club. I just read it one Christmas when I was like 8. Anyway, it’s hilarious and exactly what you expect. I also would have assumed that the coffin nail was the deadest nail of all.)

52. The Color Purple – Alice Walker

(Remember when I said that I don’t love epistolary novels? This is a major exception. Honestly, the number of list I’ve seen for contenders to the title of The Great American Novel, that don’t include this one is criminal. I also don’t know how so many people read it and don’t realize that it’s going to be dark as fuck.)

53. Charlotte’s Web – EB White

(Sometimes it’s very healing to read children’s novels as an adult. Just sit, and tear through a book in a couple hours. Any of Kate DiCarmello’s books, Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen, Coroline, and Charlotte’s Web are all staples for me in that area. Because I read them all, over and over again growing up, and just, being able to go back to them and still find that magic is… really moving.)

54. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

(I have the two giant complete annotated edition volumes. The one with the essays. I have broken bookshelves with them. And I got them for $3 at a tag sale when I was so small that I couldn’t carry both of them at the same time.)

55. The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

(This is the book that made me believe that I could write. This book broke my heart. This is a fundamental touchstone in my development as a storyteller.)

56. Watership Down – Richard Adams

(I liked this book. My brother Fucking Loved this book. My father was deeply scarred as a child by this book. I think that’s about the full range.)

57. The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

(Shoutout to those “Great Illustrated Classics” books that were in every library in the late 90’s/early 00’s. Those things were kickass. I don’t know if I would have read the full version of this one if it wasn’t for the Great Illustrated version I read when I was little. But whoever came up with the idea to just, take classical English literature and tell it exactly the same but in a slightly simplified version for a younger audience was a genius, and they deserve kudos.)

58. Hamlet – William Shakespeare

(I once read a post that opened with “spoilers for Hamlet” and… I don’t know if it’s possible to spoil Hamlet. Like, in America and England at least, it’s kinda baked in. Being alive is a spoiler for Hamlet. Also, can you spoil Hamlet, or is knowing what’s going to happen before it does is kind of part of the modern experience? I don’t know.)

59. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

(I met up with my friends this summer and one of them didn’t realize this book had a sequel. Me and my friend who had also read it then spent the next five or so minutes verbally vague posting about plot points for the Great Glass Elevator to each other, and confusing everyone else, because that book is a fever dream. For that experience alone, I will recommend.)

60. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

(If I had a nickel for every giant ass brick of a book that I actually did enjoy that included uncomfortable sexualisation of children under the age of 15 and far too much information about a specific city’s sewer system, I would have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.)

How many have you read?

The BBC estimates that most people will only read 6 books out of the 100 listed below. Reblog this and bold the titles you’ve read.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen 2 Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkein 3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte 4 Harry Potter series 5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee 6 The Bible 7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte 8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell 9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman 10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens 11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott 12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy 13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller 14 Complete Works of Shakespeare 15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier 16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien 17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks 18 Catcher in the Rye 19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffeneger 20 Middlemarch – George Eliot 21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell 22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald 23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens 24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy 25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams 26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh 27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky 28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck 29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll 30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame 31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy 32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens 33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis 34 Emma – Jane Austen 35 Persuasion – Jane Austen 36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis 37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini 38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres 39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden 40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne 41 Animal Farm – George Orwell 42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown 43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez 44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving 45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins 46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery 47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy 48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood 49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding 50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel 52 Dune – Frank Herbert 53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons 54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen 55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth 56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon 57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens 58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley 59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon 60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez 61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck 62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov 63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt 64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold 65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas 66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac 67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy 68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding 69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie 70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville 71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens 72 Dracula – Bram Stoker 73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett 74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson 75 Ulysses – James Joyce 76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath 77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome 78 Germinal – Emile Zola 79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray 80 Possession – AS Byatt 81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens 82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchel 83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker 84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro 85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert 86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry 87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White 88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom 89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton 91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad 92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery 93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks 94 Watership Down – Richard Adams 95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole 96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute 97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas 98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare 99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl 100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

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