#Most dog food companies are CRAP

[sareenademon]

Bi Han and The Dog He Said He Never Wanted

Sareena: Beloved! Look at what I found! He was all alone at the market.Isn’t he adorable?!

*Sareena shows him a Maltese puppy. The puppy starts yapping excitedly and Bi Han looks disgusted.*

Bi Han: Take it back Sareena.

Sareena: Bi Han! Don’t be mean!

Bi Han: We are not keeping that little beast.

They did end up keeping him much to Bi Han’s dismay. He was not an animal lover and he told Sareena that the puppy was entirely her responsibility. He would not care for it.

Sareena tried to name the puppy Snowball. Bi Han couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

Bi Han: We’re not calling him that.

Sareena: Why not? It’s cute.

Bi Han: No.

Sareena: What about Fluffy?

Bi Han: Are you serious? Absolutely fucking not.

Sareena: Then what ideas do you have?

Bi Han: How about, Runt?

Sareena: *slaps his arm* …What about…Fang? After my demon fang swords.

Bi Han: Fang…Fine, whatever.

For a couple of nights the puppy irritated him to no end. It wouldn’t stop yapping. Day and night. It was so god damn needy too. It shit everywhere. Bi Han also became jealous of the little beast because it took up most of Sareena’s attention.

One night, he had enough. He was already sleep deprived, and now this puppy was barking at 3 am in the morning. He grabbed the puppy out of his crate and screamed at him to shut up. When little Fang started whining from fear Bi Han immediately felt like shit.

Wtf was he doing? Screaming at little animals. He quickly tried to quiet Fang so that Sareena wouldn’t wake up and bitch him out for upsetting him. He instinctively cradled the fluffy puppy in his arms, trying to get him to stop trembling. He gently stroked Fang’s head.

Fang was so tiny, so fragile. As Bi Han looked into the puppy’s big eyes, he felt his cold heart begin to melt.

Bi Han: Shhh…Don’t fear little Fang…I won’t harm you…

When Fang licked his fingers, that was it. That was his baby. That was his son. His precious Fang, Fang.

Sareena found him the next morning passed out on the couch with Fang sleeping on his chest.

The first thing Bi Han did the next day was buy him a expensive new blue collar, he had the Lin Kuei symbol put on it.

Sareena: I thought you didn’t like him.

Bi Han: If we’re going to keep this little beast then he must be properly trained.

Sareena: And the fancy collar?…

Bi Han: Don’t question my decisions, woman!

Bi Han is a pretty intense guy by nature and that transfers into his dog parenting.

Bi Han took it upon himself to train Fang. He put him on a strict food and training schedule. He also researched all about puppies and how to train them.

Also put Fang on a cook food diet.

Sareena: Why can’t we just feed him dog food?

Bi Han: You want to feed him that dehydrated crap?! I thought you cared about this dog!

He teaches Fang how to sit, roll over, fetch, shake, and play dead. He’s such a proud father.

Fang becomes like his emotional support dog. Whenever he has a hard day or he’s just pissed off, he calls over his puppy for comfort.

When he’s stuck doing paperwork, he likes to have Fang on his lap to keep him company.

He gets him groomed regularly and cleans his eyes daily. No crusty eyes for his puppy.

It gets really cold in Artika so Bi Han makes sure to bundle Fang up. Fang has a collection of little jackets and sweaters. He also has booties. Sareena finds it a bit silly and can’t help but laugh whenever she sees Bi Han putting booties on Fang.

Bi Han: Don’t laugh at him, it’s to protect his paws from the snow!

He doesn’t take Fang to the dog park anymore because he thinks the other dogs play too rough with him.

He started shouting at the other dog owner and Sareena has had to drag him out of there before he started throwing hands.

Aggressively overprotective over Fang. Once Tomas accidentally stepped on his paw and Bi Han was on poor Tomas like white on rice.

[brightstarsystem]

They broke our furniture. They broke delicate items. They ruined all of my spices by shoving an open bag of oxyclean into a box of spices I had already packed. They put heavy items in the wrong rooms. They spilled our dog's food all over the parking lot. They assembled our beds in unsafe ways.

I do not blame any of this on the workers.

They were expected to move our house in the span of 3 hours directly after moving two other houses. No breaks in between. They were working until (as far as I know) 8pm, though it may have been later. Most of the workers were latine, many seemed to be immigrants, some probably undocumented (which adds an extra disgusting veneer to treating their workers like crap).

I blame the city, who owns this public housing, for hiring a company with unsafe working practices. Actually, not just one company, two companies.

The construction workers (who are part of a separate company) are also overworked, underpaid and seem to be immigrants. The house has issues. They were still working on it when we moved in. They also stayed until about 8pm. Some of the doors are not affixed properly, the closet is already broken and no one has lived in this unit since it's been renovated. The bathroom fan doesn't work. The water heater isn't properly heating the shower or bathtub. The plumbing is all wrong, we just had sewage back up onto our floor because we ran the bathtub for a few minutes. Yes. Sewage.

This is not the first time we've had sewage back up into our home. Since we've moved into city housing we've had it happen 3 times total. The first time was also right after we moved in.

When we called to report something being wrong with our toilet (before the sewage overflowed) we were told they would send maintenance. Apparently maintenance was never even called. So instead, we had to deal with hazardous material. I stepped in it. In my bare feet. I'm still not sure if I'll be okay.

Because it overflowed, because we just moved in and because this is a temp unit we'll be moving out of in two months, there were boxes all over the living room floor. Yes. They did get wet. We lost some of our stuff, obviously we had to throw it out. When we called again finally people were sent to help.

Thankfully all the maintenance have been extremely helpful, thoughtful and kind.

[iamdeansbrokenheart]

Although their reunion tour starts off great, with Sammy driving and miles of open road before them- Dean can’t manage to calm himself down enough to get his four hours of shut eye. Even though it’s been several days without rest, his body’s so completely wired with adrenaline after those goddamned Wendigos that Dean can’t seem to sit still much less sleep any longer than fifteen minutes at a time. For all his brothers whining about his so-called “Mullet Rock‘’ Sam doesn’t seem to mind when Dean chooses Zeppelin IV as their northbound soundtrack. Settling back down on the passenger’s side, Dean closes his eyes and tries again, finally giving himself over to the soothing acoustic undertones of  Stairway to Heaven.

A couple days later, they’re just outside Sioux Falls, North Dakota, but still nowhere near closer to finding their dad. Dean’s almost tempted to drop in on an old friend and ask for help until Sam gets cut off at a three-way intersection and totally loses his shit. Sam’s probably just Hangry, Dean figures- since they’ve been living off gas station junk for going on two days now. Dean is already well aware that it’s the kind of crap food his little brother hates most of all, not that Sam’s really been eating that much of anything lately. So Dean takes the hit and sucks it up when Sam goes off on yet another rant about dad’s long-term agenda of gaslighting them, before stealing back the wheel and making a beeline for Minneapolis. 

Dean pulls off the road in Eau Claire, MN, where he insists on them getting a room and both taking showers. They stay in town for a bit, eating all the “real food” Sam can stomach even though it’s mostly cooked out of cans and boxes in their small kitchenette. Maybe changing up the scenery just by staying in one place and waiting out whatever dad has planned could be a good thing for them? Dean even tries to do Thanksgiving but ends up having to keep their celebration to a minimum on account of concerns over maxing out their only remaining fake credit card. Sam's mood remains consistently terrible throughout their stay which does little to help ease any of Dean's ever growing anxiety.

The full devastation of their situation doesn’t fully hit Dean until he’s four beers into a six-pack and craving something much stronger. He’s always had a guilt thing about drinking too much around Sam, but right now he’s willing to make an exception. And Since they’re not actively hunting anything at the moment, Dean thinks to himself, what’s the harm? But when Dean grabs two shot glasses and brings out the whiskey he’d left stashed in the trunk, Sam instinctively bails on the whole scene. Choosing instead an armful of flannel and the twenty-four-hour laundromat across the street over his brother's company. All in all it's the easiest choice Sam has made in days, because he’s already seen how the Winchester vs Whiskey show plays out so many, many times before. Sam doesn't feel like he knows much of anything these days, except apparently, that he would rather do damn near anything than rewatching yet another episode of this particular family tradition.

The following day finds one brother profoundly hung over while the other is chomping at the bit, ready to get a move on. But it’s okay, Dean convinces himself, since Sammy seems excited to keep going again and besides, a little hair of the dog never hurt anyone, right? Either way, Sam insists on being the one behind the wheel, and before Dean knows it, they’re well on their way towards the great state of Wisconsin.

[master-john-uk]

Oh... how true this is!

One of the things I have always admired in cats is their independent spirit.

When I first moved into my current Kent residence after leaving university, I took in two young cats. My grandfather's former property was an extremely large and daunting (or haunting) house for a young 21 year old man, who was just beginning his adventurous career. The cats proved to be great company, and were very loyal and loving. But I knew that if I ever had to work late or stay away overnight, they would be able to cope.

I currently have two cats in my life, and both are very stubborn and anti-social (independent). Several years ago on my Dorset farm a ginger cat appeared, probably about two years old. He appeared to be a little malnourished and although he would not let any humans approach him he vigorously munched down any food that was put in front of him. He jumped up and laid down on the wall at the front of my farmhouse... and has hardly moved since! We tried numerous time to trace his owners, to no avail. Ginger Tom still spends most of his time on the wall watching everything that is going on... and he still hates people (except Pegs who feeds him.) During an exceptionally violent thunderstorm in 2022, he did seek refuge in my kitchen. My dogs were more frightened by the cat than they were of the lightning!

About three years ago I adopted Minty... a tabby cat owned by my nearest neighbour. (My elderly neighbour was moved to a new retirement home development when her daughter decided she could no longer safely care for herself in a rural location.) Before I adopted Minty I often used to see her on my estate... crapping in the flower beds, chasing the birds on the feeders and teasing my dogs. Obviously she was a little distraught when she was carried into my kitchen... and then never saw her real mum again! We have now both moderated our opinions... and regularly watch evening television together!

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

074 of 2024

Created by shestoohonest

Does it get super hot in the summer where you live?

Yea I wish. When it gets hot here, it's considered an anomaly XD

Have you ever applied to a job? Where?

Yeah, to Alstom (French rolling stock company). I got hired and I work there until today. It was 10 years ago.

Aren't you getting sick of hearing commercials say?

Say what? I'm sick of commercials in general, unless they advertise cat food.

When was the last time you were chewing gum?

Probably today.

What's the hardest part of being in a relationship?

Compromising lol. Admitting I was wrong.

Would you ever date someone of the same sex?

I haven't been dating girls at all. Always guys.

Who REALLY gets you hot?

No one. Not even my husband.

Did you buy a yearbook this year?

No, I didn't.

How much did it cost?

N/A.

If you HAD to be raised by another family member than you were, who?

My paternal grandma. The best person ever.

Do you own an iPod?

No, I don't. Never bought anything Apple and I don't intend to.

Doesn't it seem like everyone's iPods are ALWAYS getting stolen/breaking?

I don't know and I don't care.

How many best friends do you have?

I don't know anymore. I know my husband, my ex Nielsje and my sister are always on my side, as well as Christoph, Kenny and Gilbert, they have never let me down.

Are you close with you best friends' parents? Do you know them very well?

I don't know them at all. All my friends have families on their own.

Do you know anyone that has had children when they were 35+?

Probably. But most of my friends who have kids are around my age or younger, or had children in their 20s.

Have you ever had a pet destroy/eat something you owned? What was it?

Oh haha lol. My cat destroys house plants regularly.

Are you a good speller? What about grammar? Are you good with that?

I try to be, but I'm prone to making typos.

Who was that last person you kissed, IN A DREAM?

I don't dream of kissing people.

If financial situation was no matter, how many children would you like?

None. I'm not good enough to be a father, I'm better as stepfather and uncle.

Do you still buy CD's? Or download music?

I buy CDs as collectibles, I use Spotify to listen to music.

Do you pay for the music you download?

I pay for Spotify Premium.

Describe an article of clothing you wear often.

A red hoodie from Adidas, I'm not kidding. So comfortable.

Do you like reptiles as pets, or do they gross you out?

They don't gross me out, but they're not my type of pet.

What's your most recent obsession?

I always have the same obsessions, trains and signal identification.

And something you've ALWAYS been obsessed with?

Just as I said above.

Do you own a pinky ring? What about a thumb ring?

Pinky ring, yes. Toe ring, no. I don't see the point of them.

Do you file your nails? Clip them, whatever..?

Clip, but also bite.

What is the youngest age you would consider dating somebody?

Probably 26. I like some guys as young as 20, but hey. I'm 34, it's a bit of an age difference already.

Are you a cat or a dog-person?

Cat person all the way. I love cats so much. I don't mind dogs, but they just don't vibe with me.

Perhaps a different kind-of-animal-person?

I like rabbits, too. I used to have a Flemish giant girl as a pet, she was huge, but very sweet and gentle.

Describe the last time you truly, heartbrokenly distraught.

Recent times at work. There was a lot of crap going on. I'm only waiting for Friday.

Favorite type of seafood?

Nope, thanks. Seafood is normal in my country, particularly in the area I come from, but I don't like it.

Quote to live by?

There are so many, I can't choose.

Are you more traditional or progressive?

Somewhere in between. It's hard to explain.

Have you ever felt like the black sheep?

Not really felt so, but I've been considered one.

Was situation was that? (Inside your school, family, friend circle, etc…)

Some family members.

Have you ever worn boxers? Are they difficult to wear in jeans?

Yeah I do, and no, they're not difficult.

How old are you? How long until your next birthday?

I'm 34, my 35th birthday will be in 8 months.

You can kiss any person in the UNIVERSE besides your significant other. Who?

No one, I don't like kissing.

Are you into the occult?

No, I'm not. I'm a seeker, but rather closer to traditional beliefs.

One wish. Right now. As far from cheesy as you can make it sound!!

I want my older cat to be brought back to life.

[thecraftybear]

Short list of topics that cyberpunk could, and should, touch on:

people who can't afford augments, or at least good augments, are treated like crap in the job market. you can't type a thousand words per minute on a holo keyboard without your hand's supposedly reinforced joints screaming for mercy? you either suffer until you break, manage through painkillers, or save every single virtual cent you can in hopes of getting a hand upgrade. Unless your hands give out before you manage that, and then you end up without a job and the means to do one. Wanna turn to criminal life when corporations no longer want you? Tough tits, gangs either don't accept people without decent augs, or provide their own augs with some extra software that will do a number on your brain.

cybersecurity. the biggest botnet in the world operated mostly on The Internet Of Things, unnoticed by people who thought it was awesome to buy their dog a WiFi-enabled food bowl or something. cyberpunk plugs a computer (and the whole damn internet) into human brains. Is that why people in the future are even more chronically exhausted, with weird dreams, blackouts in waking hours, or just plain going insane? Of course. You'd be, too, if your brain was continuously flooded by data you can't even notice directly, because your firewall didn't block half the viruses you stumbled upon while mind-googling "My Little Pony: Corporate Wars". And if you got your augs second-hand, hooo boy, you never know what previous owners had in them, and there's no guarantee their soft was scrubbed.

related to the above topics, the whole notion of street docs/back alley augments. Who do people even get them? Because getting good and unused hardware implanted in a sterile, fully automated environment is costly, only the rich assholes on top of the skycrapers can afford it. The best most people can hope for is a cyberclinic with last year's augs, hopefully off the shelf and not recovered from another patient (who either didn't survive the procedure or traded in their old augs for a discount). It's as safe as possible down here, the staff are all trained medics after all, but it's a manual procedure and it still costs a lot. You can't afford even that? There's a cutter operating under a tattoo parlor. Just don't ask where he gets his ware, and don't be surprised if you get a nasty infection that might kill you - either biological, digital, or both. No refunds.

you think unemployment is huge now? imagine if corporate employees were enabled by their companies to actually do 10x as much work, but became company property as long as they're employed... and once they are inevitably made redundant (because the company now provides augs that can do 100x the work, so they don't need as many drones), all their company augs are taken away, landing them on the street absolutely incapable of handling life as a baseline human. Remember the gangs I mentioned before? They're basically cults, where the disenfranchised give up their mind and soul just to stop being painfully human. Just like they did back in the corp, really.

(thanks to Techno from Tal's discord server for complaining about CP2077 missing the point)

[depressing-debbie]

Could you please write some oddly specific modern headcanons for zeke?

Gotta be honest, I really thought I already did this for Zeke but I did not... oops :) 

(These aren’t that great because I don’t have very strong opinions about Zeke, so I apologize <3)

Oddly Specific Modern Zeke Headcanons

He's one of those people who will say they do not want any food, and then proceed to eat half of the other person's meal

He shaved his beard ONCE, and everyone made fun of him so much that he never did it again. To be fair, he looked like a middle schooler and it was hilarious.

Definitely super pretentious about movies, but not necessarily in a rude way. More of a "what do you mean French art films aren't the vibe for this casual friend movie night" kind of way

Most of his house is perfectly clean and organized, but he has a small office that is an absolute wreck, with papers and crap everywhere

He doesn't really like sports all that much, but he knows a lot about soccer, and nobody really knows why.

He has the most ridiculous bedhead, he has to spend like half an hour to fix his hair in the morning or else he looks insane

Huge coffee snob, only drinks like pure espresso, but he drinks SO MUCH of it

He carries one of a cloth to clean his glasses everywhere he goes

Loves clothing catalogs, it made him so sad when companies started making them less. He will literally just sit with a coffee and read catalogs for fun

Similarly, I think he’s a big online clothing shopping fan

He has a pretty big sporty dog, like a greyhound or a weimeraner, and he has them scarily well trained.

His weird hidden talent is casual socializing/small talk. He’s weirdly good at it, I guess he just has a vibe of being casual and polite.

He dresses like a fancy teacher, think this kind of thing

This last one is what I’m MOST passionate about: Zeke does not actually like smoking, he genuinely just likes the vibe, which so many people make fun of him for

[ihappentolikefnafsurprise]

Personalities: FNaF 1

I’ve been meaning to do this for so long, just never decided to sit down and do it. Probably because I keep getting distracted with other stuff. Feast your eyes (is that how it goes, I might be dumb). I spent a couple of hours on this, and let me tell you I never thought it’d be this difficult. But I’m proud of this, even if it may be cringe.

(oops they ended up being really long I think you can tell who’s my favourite character (hint they’re a robot))

Basically everyone in this group are buds. Sometimes they don’t get a long but they know how to not take it too far. I tried not to repeat cliches (Goldie being either really flirty or really shy, Chica being a cook, etc.). I mostly went off of what they do in the game and took the traits I liked.

Note that these are the personalities of the animatronics themselves, not the dead children. The idea is that they started off as just the kids but then they got their own lives and slowly developed their own personality until they were separate. I might give them some personalities later on, but right now I’m focusing on the robots.

Likes to be the boss

Freddy

Seems grumpy and unapproachable but he’s actually pretty nice

Scary when he scolds you though

He doesn’t even realize he seems grouchy

Can be pretty boring to hang out with

Unless you enjoy cleaning, dealing with Chica and Foxy, and reading in silence

Bonnie is the one he’s the closest to

(sort of because of Fredbear and Springbonnie being friends, they’re not copying they just happen to mirror it)

Loves hugs and uses them to comfort others

He’ll also use his music box

He’s good at comforting others with hugs

Hates the “don’t touch Freddy” rule

Has a really nice singing voice

He hums and sings when he’s bored or when he’s doing something

The cook of the group and he can make a good pizza

He makes thin-crusted pizzas because helth

He can’t eat so he’ll leave them in the fridge for the kids

Everyone’s baffled on how it got there but accept it anyway

He remembers all the children who come and loves them all very much

He likes to keep things tidy

When Chica’s made a mess in the kitchen he goes in to clean it

He used to scold her for it, but he’s given up

He picks up random items that the children forget with the intention of returning them

Straight up eats them

(He steps in the backroom or goes behind the curtain to get the toys out, children don’t need to see that)

He still continues to pick up toys even when he can’t go off the stage anymore, just a habit that stayed

Frustrated that the new employees just throw away the toys instead of putting them in the lost and found

Sometimes he plays the arcade machines on his own time

He likes to read

There’s no books though, so he just ends up reading manuals, newspapers that people leave behind, employee files, etc.

Until he secretly ordered a book series for himself

It took some convincing from the others

But he ultimately decided to because he doesn’t like the owner

Also the owner is really bad at actually managing the restaurant so he never noticed

Because of this Freddy often steps in from behind the scenes when things are really going wrong, like employees misbehaving

He sends an email to them and then he gives them a little fright when they come into work and they usually either quit or straighten up

He likes earthy tones like brown and beige because he’s boring

Bonnie

He comes off as nonchalant and uncaring

People think he’s angsty

It’s basically his whole persona when he’s on stage, he’s supposed to be the party pooper that doesn’t like parties but is eventually convinced by his friends to join and has fun

Off stage he doesn’t have that much of a presence

He can approach people just fine and isn’t really that shy

He’s just a quiet guy

Probably the best one to chill with because he’ll talk if you’re talking but he’s cool with silence and just enjoying each other’s presence

The type to laugh at his own expense

Has some dark humour and likes to joke around with Foxy, who also enjoys that humour

Secretly the mother hen of the group (despite being a bunny and a guy, he just fits mother)

Would laugh if you trip but then subtly watch you for injuries

If it’s an animatronic he can do some basic fixing

Doesn’t know anything about human first aid, but he’ll help where he can and call for help if he needs to

The type of guy to seem calm but there’s internal panic

If something seems kind of dangerous he’ll watch from afar

But if it’s too dangerous he’s the first one to shut it all down

Good at comforting others

Worries a lot and is probably the most cautious of the group

Very protective

It’s why he’s the first one to come to your door, he wants to make sure it’s no one dangerous (even though they’re like 400lb robots but sssh)

Hides most of his worrying, thinks he’d come across as annoying

Weak to puppy-dog eyes

Likes happy alternative music, but he’s open to almost anything

Plays the guitar by ear

Is pretty good, not legendary, but he experiments on his own

Can’t read sheet music

His favourite colour is red

Takes random pieces of paper like articles and anything useless and writes on the back of them like a diary, he keeps it hidden inside of the backroom in one of the Bonnie heads

Chica

Chaos incarnate

She’s a hyperactive kid that has trouble considering other’s feelings

Struggles with responsibility

Her favourite colour is green

Not at all good at comforting people

But she can listen while you rant and chime in or give you a distraction if you need it

“you wouldn’t believe the crap I had to deal with today”

“I wanna know everything!”

She’s actually the physically the strongest in the group

They’re all pretty strong, she’s just at the top

Mostly uses her strength to lift tables in order to make forts and playing around in the kitchen

Has broken many pans and lots of cooking utensils

Terrible cook

Can’t be left in the kitchen unsupervised for too long otherwise you run the risk of her starting a fire

Good at singing

Loves happy-go-lucky tunes

Radiates positivity

Doesn’t like the others being sad, but doesn’t know what to do about it

She’d probably get Freddy or Bonnie to help

Baby of the group (she is an adult though)

Has excellent puppy-dog eyes, only Freddy can stand them

Has trouble dealing with her own emotions

Tends to idolize or idealize people too much

Doesn’t understand what the outside world is like, or any of the problems that people deal with

I think that you gathered by now that she is not the mother hen of the group, even though she’s chicken

More like the kid sister that wants you to play dolls with her

Doesn’t like being alone and will find others to keep her company

Her feelings get hurt pretty easily

She can take a joke, just don’t be mean even if it is funny

Easily made happy by food

Tries to convince Freddy to make her pizza

When he doesn’t she’s like “fine then I’ll make it on my own”

Spends like a half hour trying to decide which pan to use and even more time getting the ingredients together

Freddy stops her before she can actually make anything, otherwise the whole place will burn

She’s easily distracted and tends to be absentminded

But if she finds something she likes she can sit there and do it for hours

Doesn’t like sudden noises, even though she makes them

Impulsive

Doesn’t play the arcade games, they make her mad

Foxy

The other chaos incarnate, he’s Chica’s partner in crime

If they were left in a room together all the tables would be smashed the chairs would be arranged to make a fortress

Tends to cause a lot of trouble so he gets put in time out often by the Freddy’s

Claims they’re being bums but they just want to keep the building intact

He sneaks away when they’re not looking sometimes and gets in even more trouble

Has the same dark humour as Bonnie

But he doesn’t laugh at himself

Actually a little self conscious

He’s a psychopath that enjoys exercise

When I say exercise I mean running and that’s it

He likes to pretend he’s either running away from or being chased by a huge monster

It’s one of the few things that can calm him down, just let him burn off some energy

Makes the others time him, but Chica usually gets distracted

Not a bad person, he just has a very hard time sitting still

He likes to draw

Carves little pictures into the floor of the cove when he’s bored

He’s running out of space though

If you give him a colouring book (they have some children’s colouring books and crayons) he’ll be calm up until he’s finished, then he’ll want to do another one

He also likes storytelling

Don’t ask him to write though, he doesn’t have much patience

Struggles with feelings of sadness

Misses performing for the kids

Most negative emotions translate into anger

Which will result in him trying to smash things and they others having to hold him back

Says things he doesn’t mean and does things that he wouldn’t do otherwise

He just can’t handle the emotion

Luckily he doesn’t get angry often

More often than not he’ll just pretend the negative feelings don’t exist, which also isn’t healthy

Out of everyone in the group he wants to go outside the most

He likes movies

There was a cheap VCR and tv in the boss’s office that’s now in the pirate cove

Somehow, none of the employees realized he took it

Either that or they just weren’t paid enough to care

He has like two movies he watches on repeat, it’s another thing you can give him to calm him down.

His favourite colour is blue, like the ocean

The true angsty one

Golden Freddy/Goldie/Fredbear

Spends a lot of time alone

Kind of a grump

Doesn’t like being bothered

He got the nickname Golden Freddy because that’s what the others called him when they first met him

It didn’t stick at all until the night guards that saw him called him that

Now it’s something the others call him to tease him, but they usually shorten it to Gold or Goldie.

He doesn’t really mind Gold or Goldie, but Golden Freddy kind of bothers him because it makes it sound like he came after when he’s actually the original

Doesn’t say anything though

Hangs out in the safe room, so the others can’t really get to him anyway

But they can yell through the door so there’s that

(I know it’s supposed to be invisible to them but they have life and stuff so they can see, they just can’t go inside)

He’s very sleepy

Spends most of his time sleeping or daydreaming

Doesn’t really miss performing

Says it was fun while it lasted but he’s fine with it being over

Though sometimes he eats his words when it’s daytime and the kids come

The cheering gives him the urge to come out and say hi even though he knows he shouldn’t

Misses being able to hang out with Springbonnie all the time

Springbonnie is there in the backroom with him, it’s kind of why he spends so much time in there

He activates sometimes, but he usually stays shut down to conserve battery

It’s pretty random

Springbonnie doesn’t know much about what’s going on, he never stays up long enough to get a full explaination

But he does try his best to keep his friend in high hopes

(I’ll be writing his personality later on, with FNaF 4)

There’s no way to charge him because the chargers are on the stage and the others can’t come in to help move him and Goldie’s not strong enough

And he can’t get up on his own

He likes being able to talk to him sometimes at least

Every now and then the others have to convince him to come out

He comes out on his own occasionally

But sometimes he shuts himself out completely and doesn’t realize how lonely he is, even if it is self-inflicted

The best way to get him to come out is knock-knock jokes, he loves them and the irony of it being through a door is just perfect

Likes even the cheesy ones

You can tell him puns or some well-constructed jokes too, he likes pretty much everything

He’s the grumpiest but he’s also the best at making others laugh

What can I say, he has a lot of time on his hands

When he does come out he hangs out with Freddy or Bonnie, the other two are too high energy for him

He plays the arcade games

He has the highest score, since he literally lives there and can play them whenever he wants

Likes the repetitiveness of some of the games

Even if he’s kind of a grump and a recluse the others respect him and come to him for advice when they need it

It’s sometimes stupid stuff like “where did my guitar go” and “quick help me hide Bonnie’s guitar”

He likes the colour purple

[themculibrary]

Stony AU’s Masterlist

Links Last Checked: December 15th, 2023

Catching Lightning in a Bottle (ao3) - sabrecmc M, 120k

Summary: College student Tony meets janitor Steve at MIT and they fall blissfully in love, until Howard happens and things fall apart. One divorce paperwork snafu courtesy of the ever-helpful Jarvis, and ten years later, Tony has to get re-divorced from Steve.

This does not go as he imagines.

Or, the Sweet Home Alabama AU that no one--well, okay, a few of you--asked for.

Data is King (ao3) - Amuly E, 136k

Summary: In a cyberpunk dystopia, all the wealth is concentrated in New Versailles and the majority live in impoverished ghettos outside. Prosthetics are strictly prohibited, though many of the poor have body modifications to help them live. Steve Rogers is an idealistic young man who raids the storerooms of New Versailles with his best friend Bucky Barnes, to bring food and medicine to the poor. But when tragedy strikes, Steve is inspired by Dr. Erskine to go seek out the notorious slumlord/black market trader Tony Stark. Rumor has it that Tony used to be a member of New Versailles, but left to make his fortune off the backs of the working man... or was he kicked out? Although they don't hit it off at first, Steve and Tony must work together.

They have some help. The Three Fates are women who control information. Steve's friends from his old life are good people on the fringes of society because of their prosthetic enhancements. And there's Tony's network of resources and connections, not to mention his brilliant engineering mind that helped him build his empire.

But when Steve and Tony finally manage to put their differences aside and rise up against New Versailles... not everything is as simple as it seemed.

Engaging the Enemy (ao3) - tsukinofaerii T, 22k

Summary: Iron Man is one of the more persistent villains that the Ultimates face, with a special fondness for one Captain America. As Steve starts to findout more and more about him, the lines between hero and villain begin to blur. Sometimes, you don't have to be on the right side of the law to be in the right.

Go Ugly Early (ao3) - just_another_tinker E, 252k

Summary: He’s The Captain?

This was not good. This was so not good.

There were theories of course, of what The Captain would look like. Most followed the typical Hollywoodesque belief that he was some version of the Godfather, sitting in a dark room with a cigar, commanding his forces with a flick of his wrist. There were even some that even thought that The Captain was not one person, but a whole network of people with eyes and ears everywhere.

The blonde Adonis in front of him was definitely not what Tony was expecting.

Of course, in the end it didn’t matter.

There was a reason no one knew what The Captain looked like.

Because anyone who saw his face never lived to tell the tale.

Hot for Teacher - ceealaina T, 3k

Summary: Tony is the established physics teacher, Steve is the truly terrible new guidance counsellor. It’s not quite love at first sight (but it’s a pretty close thing).

In Your Company (ao3) - mrhd E, 64k

Jink (ao3) - FestiveFerret T, 13k

Summary: When Steve agrees to dog sit for Colonel Rhodes, he doesn't expect Rhodes' unusual, intriguing, and painfully attractive whirlwind of a best friend to show up unannounced.

Let the More Loving One be Me (Or: Aw, Crap) (ao3) - willowswhiten M, 52k

Summary: Captain Steven Rogers-Carter has just come back from Afghanistan, struggling with PTSD and memories that haunt him. When he's introduced to his adoptive mother's godson, engineer, mechanic and billionaire Tony Stark, there's a lot of yelling. Things are never entirely simple when two broken warriors realise exactly what they need to put themselves back together.

Looking for Heaven (ao3) - foxxcub E, 31k

Summary: When young Lord Anthony Stark learns Steven Rogers has enlisted in the army, he thinks he's seen the last of his tiny, headstrong, haughty stable boy. But four years later, Lord Stark gets an unexpected visit from Steve, whose mother has fallen gravely ill and into financial ruin. Even more unexpected, Steve agrees to a shocking proposal: they will marry, giving Steve the necessary funds to save his mother, and Tony the much-needed reprieve from harassing would-be suitors. It is a business arrangement, nothing more. But as time goes on and circumstances arise, Tony begins to learn that keeping his heart away from his husband is easier said than done.

Loverboys (ao3) - theappleppielifestyle T, 20k

Summary: “Here’s the deal,” Tony says. “I’ll give you ten thousand dollars to pretend to date me.”

Steve stares at him, but only for a second.

“No thanks,” he says, and looks back down at his algebra worksheet.

(Or, a High School Fake Dating AU.)

Missing Connections (ao3) - fandomfrolics T, 24k

Summary: Steve discovers the magic of Craigslist (and Tony's inner voice never knows when to shut up).

More than Friends (ao3) - Neverever T, 7k

Summary: Deputy Police Chief Tony Stark wonders if there is more to his flirting with the new Fire Chief Steve Rogers. After all, everyone treats them like they come as a matched set. Meanwhile Steve wants to find the serial arsonist in town.

Place Your Bets (ao3) - RurouniHime M, 36k

Summary: Steve Rogers may or may not have just picked up a prostitute. This may or may not be Tony Stark’s fault.

Our Weight In Gold (ao3) - ann2who E, 33k

Summary: It was every cliché he’d ever heard about soulmates. Every sappy thing they wrote down in the magazines, every single thing he had always hated about the myth. It was all-consuming, and rushing through his veins like molten lava, like his whole existence was suddenly filled with sunlight. A door opened, and a myriad of emotions stormed through his body: confusion, disbelief, loneliness, and so much fierce determination that it almost knocked Tony off his feet. And he understood then, understood that these emotions weren’t his. They were Rogers’.

This is a story about fate, self-doubt, choice and eventually—love.

The Ghosts of War (ao3) - scifigrl47 M, 60k

Summary: Steven Rogers never wanted to be king, but he knows his duty, and he does it well. Lord Tony Stark, the king's appointed consort, does his duty as well, even though he'd enjoy his duty more if it actually involved sleeping with the king. As it doesn't, he's just resigned. The war that made Steve king and cost him nearly everything may be over, but a meeting of old enemies might stir up some ghosts none of them are prepared for.

Throw a Little Hot Rod Red in There (ao3) - FestiveFerret, SirSapling E, 55k

Summary: Tony Stark was pretty sure that the absolute worst time to get asked out by an incredibly talented, good-looking artist, who likes to paint - and defend - Iron Man, is when he's dying of palladium poisoning.

to dream of the stars (ao3) - gottalovev E, 32k

Summary: Fifteen years after a summer romance at Space Academy that left them brokenhearted, Steve and Tony meet again as astronaut candidates.

Triskelion Crescent (ao3) - seventymilestobabylon T, 26k

Summary: Steve Rogers runs a flower shop. Tony Stark owns a real estate company (eh, and it probably does other stuff too, like it's got "Industries" in the title) that's sniffing around Steve's neighborhood of Triskelion Crescent with an eye to building new developments. Triskelion Crescent fights back.

[magnoliapip]

Ranked: Mother of the Year (Choices) Main Characters

I can’t sleep so that means I need to make another list that I’m not going to proofread before I post, right? Of course it does. But before we start, please remember this is my opinion on who I liked best. Not who impacted the story the most, not who was the best written fictional character of all time, yada yada. This is my personal opinion of the characters I liked best.

Spoilers WILL be featured below. You have been warned.

#13 -- Tallulah Copeland

Tallulah is a parent to a child at Bernhardt Academy, a friend of Vanessa Blackwood, and an active member of the PTA. Hugo is her partner.

This woman. I would flat forget this woman existed until she would show up again just to wreak havoc on MC’s day, usually at someone else’s urging. Every single time she spoke, I just wanted it to be over and she is just an awful, AWFUL person. She’s also the only awful person in this book who never pretends to be nice and/or never apologizes for her actions. Just an all around nasty person.

#12 -- Hugo

Hugo is a parent of a child at Bernhardt Academy and an active member of the PTA. Tallulah is his significant other.

If you’re actually reading these little blurbs, you have to be wondering “MagnoliaPip? How in the hell is Hugo ranked lower than two other unmentionables in this story?”

Thank you for asking, no one ever.

Put frankly, Hugo just annoyed the crap out of me. I know that’s supposed to be part of his character, but it went above and beyond the scope of acceptable annoyance. I grew to hate every second he was speaking. He never really contributed anything to the plot other than some irritating drivel. He wasn’t an antagonist, but he also wasn’t a pleasing good guy. He’s also the reason I’m considering not re-reading this book again right away like I want to.

#11 -- Guy Ledford

This man. This. Man. THIS MAN!

This part is going to include major spoilers, y’all, so if you haven’t read it and are still intending to, skip away now!! Again, major spoilers from here on out kids.

Guy Ledford is your main character’s ex-husband who has been absent for four years since the start of the book and wants to reconnect with his daughter. He is also a CEO of a snack food company/app, Nomme. He is the main antagonist of the book.

The reason I didn’t rank him lower is he genuinely adds something to the plot. He IS the plot. He’s the reason this book exists. However, he is such a scumbag he deserves nothing. He feels like a trope for quite a lot of the time, but at least he’s not physically abusive like a true trope could have been (at least, I never noticed him being physically abusive). Just, you know, a gaslighting, manipulative, arrogant, rude, selfish son of a-

I also love that they named him “Guy”. I’ve only ever met one man named this in my life, so it’s funny to me that they named this jerk “Guy” so it’s not only the most generic sounding name (did his parents also get a dog named “Dog” and a cat named “Kitty”?), but also one that a lot of men won’t likely have so they don’t have to get name checked in relation to him.

I like that you can get a good outcome (Guy ends up with joint custody with visitations  every weekend and having to back pay) without spending diamonds in this game as long as you make the right choices, but for those who DID spend all of the diamonds, I would have liked to have seen Guy end up with worse. I would have liked to see, if you made most of the right choices and bought all of the diamond stuff, him ending up with every other weekend or maybe just visitation. I know he’s trying to be a good dad (but still an absolutely terrible human being), but every weekend seems like so much when your daughter is in school.

#10 -- Augustus Blackwood

August Blackwood is one of Vanessa Blackwood’s sons and is a student at Bernhardt Academy.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one. But he hurt my daughter and that’s enough. I would have liked to have seen him fleshed out a little bit more beyond being basically just a schoolyard bully. His motivations for his actions are hinted on, but nothing is really ever done and he’s mostly just a prop for something to hurt your daughter.

#9 -- Vanessa Blackwood

Vanessa Blackwood is the president of the PTA, a single mom, and a lawyer and becomes an antagonist to your character.

I’m probably going to get hate for this, but I want to like Vanessa. Obviously, she’s hateful and offensive, in some very, very unredeemable ways, but there’s something about characters like that which makes me want to forgive them and teach them how to be better. How to rehabilitate their bitterness. I felt it with Olivia Nevrakis, I felt it with Victoria Fontaine, and I know certain people in the fandom felt it with Becca Davenport and Poppy Min-Sinclair. 

**DISCLAIMER** Keep in mind, I’m not trying to excuse homophobia and racism here. They are both despicable things and should be accounted for. However, after having grown up in a homophobic and racist home and learning to leave that shit in the dust by the time I was eighteen and SLOWLY teaching my family to do the same over the course of the last 10 years, I believe people can change if you give them room and help to. Not everyone will, not many people will, but I believe in giving the chance. We need to force people to take responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Should the book have been approved as a series rather than a stand alone, I think this might have been a very real option within book 2.

#8 -- Ajax “AJ” Blackwood

Ajax Blackwood is one of Vanessa Blackwood’s sons and a student at Bernhardt Academy.

AJ is the quieter of the Blackwood boys, AJ is a shy kid who hates that his brother is mean just as much as your daughter does. He finally has enough within the book and stands up to him, which was more than a little satisfying and he does seem to have a genuinely good heart. I think it would be so cute for him, your daughter, and Luz to be their own adorable trio of friends. 

#7 -- Levi Schuler

Levi Schuler is your neighbor who helps save the day for MC early on in the book and becomes a friend to both her and your daughter. He is also one of your love interests.

And if this list is going to invoke hate from the masses, it will be this entry that does it. I know how loved Levi is. And I love him too! I just find him, and his musician plot, to be a bit tiring. He’s a wonderfully supportive friend/love interest, just about one of the nicest people, and he’s great with your daughter. I swear, all of the love interests in this book would be god tier in any book. It’s truly unfair to the others that we got three amazing ones here along with a great cast of characters. However, since that did happen, Levi will sit here at #7. He can have a consolatory rugelach while I continue on.

#6 -- Faye Devore

Faye Devore is your ex-husband’s new girlfriend, a younger social media influencer.

I loved Faye. Right from the start, I loved Faye. I prayed they weren’t going to make this into one of those books where we were supposed to hate the “other woman” because those plots are old, outdated, and overused. Thankfully, MOTY lets us skirt right around it and we end up with a wonderful character like Faye, who is the human definition of having the best intentions.

She gets on well with your daughter, even pointing out to MC at one point that she thinks of her like a little sister, and goes above and beyond to make her happy. She is genuinely upset about going against MC’s wishes about your daughter appearing on social media and doesn’t appear to want to cause any harm or hard feelings with MC at any point during the book. In fact, she wants to be friends. 

I would have loved for this and for it to be fleshed out more, again, if we had ever gotten a book 2. I’m also that jerk who would have totally romanced her in a replay and would have emptied my wallet to get a scene in that hypothetical book 2 where Guy finds out. Take that homophobe!

#5 -- Dr. Eiko Matsunaga

Dr. Eiko Matsunaga is a science teacher who teaches at the private school your daughter goes to and becomes friendly with MC because of your daughter. She is also one of your love interests.

If I would have had a teacher like Dr. Matsunaga when I was in school, maybe I would have cared about science at any point during my childhood. Eiko is so incredibly smart but has a heart of gold. She could be off teaching at colleges or writing published journals, but she’s teaching elementary science at a private school and honestly enjoying herself! She wants to see children succeed and will give any child who wants to do so, like your daughter, all of the help they need.

I want to romance her. I want to be her friend. I want it all because I’m selfish even when I don’t because I could never possibly be worthy of the supremacy that is Eiko. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#4 -- Your Daughter / Zoey

Your daughter is 9 years old at the start of the book and desperately wants to be an astronaut. She is a science whiz and moves from public school to Bernhardt Academy at the beginning of the book to kickstart her education.

It makes me so sad that I will never actually have this child. “Zoey” is just so smart and funny and sweet and I love her so much. I spent so many diamonds on her. She’s a pixelated little bundle of amazing and I would die for her. That’s it.

#3 -- Alma Velasco

Alma Velasco is your neighbor, best friend, and (for part of the time) co-worker.

What did our character do to deserve such an amazing ride-or-die friend like Alma? She never disbelieves MC, is forever supportive as a shoulder to cry on and a supplier of good wine, and also helps MC out of more than one pinch. Seriously an amazing friend, and I wish we could have done something equally amazing for her to reciprocate.

#2 -- Thomas Mendez

Thomas Mendez is a lawyer and a single dad who becomes friends with MC very early on in the book. He is also one of your three love interests.

A big reason for why Thomas is at #2 is because of who #1 is but we’ll get there in a second.

There’s also something about Thomas that speaks to me as a person. It’s more than just being interested as a love interest or as a friend. There’s something about who he is. His awkwardness, his humor, his kindness and his generosity all make him someone I envy as much as I admire.

He takes on MC’s case pro bono when he doesn’t have to. He shrugs it off like it’s no big deal, but stepping back and looking at the it, by all accounts he was walking into a handily losing situation. He was also super busy at this time being a single parent himself and working on his class action lawsuit. That’s not even saying anything about him still grieving for Soledad.

However, the biggest reason I love Mr. Mendez is...

#1 -- Luz Mendez

Luz Mendez is a student at Bernhardt Academy who becomes best friends with your daughter early in the book. She is a soccer and art fan.

This little girl is the best thing I have ever read in my entire life. She made the entire book. Every character that came before her pales in comparison to her majesty. She is a goddamn queen and deserves everything.

Every scene with her is gold and I wish we had more. This little girl was completely willing to curb stomp someone with her cleats at the courthouse if something would have happened to your daughter. She is so aggressively herself and it is a joy to see. The relationship between her and her father is what really kept me going through the book’s more difficult spots. There is such true love and acceptance there, as well as the drive and desire to do better for the other than I just...There is really no way for me to properly explain the perfection that is Luz Mendez so I guess you’ll just have to read it yourself.

---

I’m not sure why it took me so long to start reading Mother of the Year (MOTY), but I’m so glad I did. In 3 days flat I binged the entire book, wasted so many accumulated diamonds, and had the time of my life. The cast of characters in MOTY is perfect and I wanted to rank them according to my opinion on which ones were the best. I ranked all of the characters I found to be profound enough to matter to the storyline or that MC or “Daughter” had enough interactions with to matter. As a result, there are several characters who didn’t make this list. 

Sound off below if you wish.

[nicb0723]

Find Your Worth

John Wick x Reader

Summary: You meet John in an unconventional way.

Notes: Depression trigger warning 

Word Count: 11,754

Read Chapter 1

Chapter 2

**

Before work you go grocery shopping and run some errands. You clean up a lot and wonder how the hell John’s personality will fit in your tiny apartment. He doesn’t say much but he can be so intense. You can’t imagine the two of you together, alone, in this tiny space. 

In the bathroom you hesitate as you pick up your prescription. The doctor thought it would take the edge off your anxiety, and make the depression manageable. She also made sure you were seeing someone for therapy.  For now, the pill once a day does work. You can breathe. You can function. You’d be a fool to think all of your problems would disappear overnight. You still have a long road of recovery ahead, but this makes it less overwhelming. You place the little plastic container in the medicine cabinet, somewhere John won’t see it. You wouldn’t put it past him if he snooped, but in a way you're proud that you were able to talk about your problems and get some help. 

At work Sam is with you and currently making fun of your limp after you tell him why there’s a bruise on your foot. He’s asking if you want him to go buy you a cane when John waltzes in, hair slicked back and suit jacket blowing from the wind. How someone can look like a model in a gas station you’ll never know. He stares until you go to him and ask what the hell he’s doing here.

“Getting gas.” He answers and reaches for his wallet.

You don’t say anything and ring him up, glancing outside to his car parked in spot one. 

Sam is watching you two interact and he has the biggest grin on his face. Is that your boyfriend? He mouths behind John’s back and you cough in shock. No, and yeah right, like you could ever get a guy like John in a million years. 

“Hello!” Sam says loudly and teasingly bumps your hip with his behind the counter. 

John raises an eyebrow and glances to you first, then nods to Sam. “Hi.”

“John, this is Sam my co-worker and Sam, this is John my um… friend?”

True surprise flickers in John’s brown eyes and he looks pleased, a slow small smile spreads on his lips. 

“She’s actually my boss, but nice to meet you.” Sam says and his attention is drawn to the classic car outside and the gushing begins. 

You let the two of them talk until you hear John offer to show him the engine and they both move to go outside. “Hey, I’ll see you later?” 

Sam smirks and you nod at John, wondering how he knows where you live. It’s a little weird that he broke into your place just to fix a leaking faucet and he was in your apartment without you even knowing.  In the back of your mind, you think that it’s actually pretty thoughtful. You mindlessly wonder why he would waste his time though. Why he would do any of the things that he did. He said that he would help anyone in the same situation as you, but you’ve been thinking about that question since the day at the lake, and you’re too scared to ask him. You’re scared to see the look on his face, the look of pity because that’s all you can think that he’ll say. 

You hear John’s car peel away and Sam comes back inside, still grinning like an idiot. 

“What?” You ask, not really wanting to know.

“Nothing.” Sam hops up on the counter and he knows he’s not supposed to sit there. “I think he likes you.”

“And what makes you say that.” You deadpan, pushing at his butt with the tip of your pen.

Sam slides down and knocks over a display of gum. “He told me to look out for you.”

“Oh yeah? I can see you’d be very threatening.” You point to the packs of gum all over the floor. 

He bends down and starts to pick up the mess. “What’d you need looking out for anyway?”

“Nothing, he's just being protective I guess.”

Sam looks at you with concern. “From what?”

“Nothing. I promise, okay?”

For the rest of the night Sam shows you his karate moves and chops up air until closing time. 

**

John is folded up in the corner of your couch with his legs crossed at the knees and his black leather shoe tapping your coffee table. He’s reading one of the old magazines you have laying around. 

“How was work?” He asks, folding the magazine shut, like this is the most normal thing in the world. 

You check the locks on your door to see if they’re broken, but they’re not. You turn the handle again to make sure the door is shut all the way. 

“I should probably give you a key if you’re going to let yourself in.” 

John shrugs. “If you want.” 

Tossing your purse on the kitchen table you make your way to the living room and sit on the chair across from the couch. John looks so out of place, but you can tell he’s trying to blend in, make himself belong in your little apartment. 

“Who’s taking care of your dog while you’re here?” You ask, kicking your feet up. 

“Pooch? The little girl next door. She loves him.”

You let out a surprised laugh. “Don’t tell me you actually named him Pooch. I don’t even think that’s an actual word, I think my grandma made it up.”

John shrugs again you can tell he’s definitely not a man to waste any words. “It stuck. It’s... cute.”

“Cute? I can’t see you thinking anything is cute.” You grin and stand up to take your jacket and shoes off to get more comfortable. You can hear him mutter something under his breath, but can’t catch it.  “So do we know if Max is officially out yet?” 

“No, I’m waiting for the call though. I’ll know as soon as it happens.”

You don’t have any doubt.  “Do you want something to eat or drink?” You open the refrigerator for some juice. ”I usually have a snack when I get home. Feel free to take anything you want.” 

John tries to settle back on the couch but he seems stiff. “I’m fine, thanks.”

“You can take off your tie and your jacket at least. You’ll probably be here for awhile.” You call out to him, your head sticking in the cupboard looking for the popcorn you put in there earlier. 

John doesn’t move and you gesture for him to get up as you crawl back in your chair with a bag of food. 

“You sure about that?”

“Yes of course I’m sure. Why would I not be sure?” You look at him like he’s crazy as he slowly stands and oh… that’s why.

The suit jacket comes off and he carefully lays it over the side table. His slender waist is circled with a large utility belt with three guns, two clips, and probably a knife. The sight makes your eyes widen. He stares at you as he slowly unfastens the buckle and gently places it on top of his jacket. 

“Don’t go near that.” He points sternly and sits back down, this time more comfortable. He takes his cell phone out of his pocket and sets it on the couch next to him. 

“Definitely not. Are you planning on using any of that?”

“Scare tactic.” 

Silence fills the room as you crunch on your popcorn and you’re actually feeling pretty tired. You’d like to go to bed, but you’re not sure what John’s plans are exactly. 

“So how is this going to happen?” You ask.  “Are you going to come to work with me too? Are you going to run my errands with me? I mean, I’d love the company but I don’t see you wandering around Target for an hour.”

“I don’t mind going to Target with you.” His voice is so serious you can’t help but smile. “I don’t think he’ll come around during the day though. He wants you alone. Scared. Vulnerable. And I have my cop friend keeping an eye on you at work. It’s on his beat anyway.”

“Okay.” That all sounds reasonable. Dread and doubt suddenly take hold of you. “Look, maybe I’m wrong? Maybe he won’t bother with me and we can just forget about it? Maybe there’s nothing to worry about at all.”

John shakes his head. “I read his record. It’s not good.”

Well, crap. You don’t want to talk about Max anymore and you don’t want to ask the one question that’s been hounding your mind. You’re still too scared to know the reason John is here, so you ask something else. “Are you ever going to sleep? You can’t stay up all night waiting.”

“I’ll sleep until I know he’s out.” John says easily. “Then after that I have motion detection alerts on my phone from the camera outside your floor.”

You blink at him. “There are cameras on the door of the elevator?”

“There are now.”

“How’d that happen?” You’ve never noticed any security cameras anywhere. 

“I talked to Francis, the apartment manager. He’s a nice guy.”

You blink at him again. “I know, but he only speaks Russian. How’d you talk to him?”

John smirks and says, “Bez truda.” 

It’s all a little too much and you get up, shaking your head in disbelief. “How is this my life right now? How do I get myself into these things? I have an assassin in my apartment… I’m going to take a shower!” You announce after a minor anxiety attack. “Feel free to turn on the TV, get comfortable, whatever you want.”

The water feels good as you scrub away the day. It relaxes you until swarming thoughts of John sitting on your couch make you hurry out of the tub and wrap yourself in the flannel bathrobe you always wear. Before you lose your nerve you walk back into the living room and find John where you left him, now looking at his phone. 

“They’re just starting to process paperwork. That means it’ll be a few hours.” John’s talking, but doesn’t look up. You start to brush your wet hair out and twist it loosely on top of your head for the night. Usually you’d smear face cream all over but that obviously is not going to happen. 

“Look, John. I know we hardly know each other, but you can sleep in the bed, okay?” You start to turn off the kitchen lights and check the front door one more time to make sure it’s locked. “It’s plenty big enough and I would just feel better.”

He’s looking at you with warm eyes now, his mouth open but nothing is coming out. It’s like his brain turned a switch and decided something important. Whatever he’s thinking must be big because his whole demeanor changes. You can’t quite figure it out, but he seems content to be here with you, where just a few moments ago he had a guard up and was struggling with something on his mind. Somehow and unknowingly, you sense that you’ve just started to break down his wall.  You have no idea what you did, you’re just being yourself, but for the first time John is vulnerable. He’s blinking slowly, as if he’s seeing you for the first time in a new light, or finally giving himself permission to really see you.

It doesn’t matter though, because you know you look like a complete dork in your bathrobe and suddenly you feel incredibly stupid. Shame floods your stomach and you almost feel sick. Of course, this man wouldn’t want to be in the same bed as you. He’d probably rather die. You can’t believe you even suggested it. Also, your therapist would be terribly disappointed in you for talking down to yourself like this. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?” 

He stands up and grabs a small leather bag you hadn’t seen by the widow. “Yes. If it’ll make you feel safer.” 

No. No. That’s not how you wanted it to happen. You wanted John to want to sleep in the bed, not because you asked him. “Listen, I didn’t mean… I’ll take the couch, okay? You probably don’t want to share the bed with me, I totally understand. And you’re doing me a favor and I just want you to be comfortable.”

Utter confusion crosses his handsome face. He scratches at his beard with long fingers, trying to make sense of what you want. “What good would that do? With you sleeping on the couch?”

You stammer and can feel a flush develop on your cheeks. “I just thought… I don’t know.”

“If you rather, I can book you a room in a hotel for a few nights. I won’t… do anything to you. I can promise you that.”

Oh God. This conversation could not get any worse. You’re horrified that he thinks something like that and you try terribly to explain. “No, no that’s not what I meant. I don’t want to go to a hotel. I just meant that um, you probably don’t want to share a bed with someone like me.” 

“Someone like you?”

The flush is creeping up to your neck as you become more embarrassed. You point at your bathrobe and general dorkiness. “Yeah, like someone… not… exactly… uh… cute?”

He seems to realize what you’re trying to say and laughs a little. “Well it’s a good thing there’s no one not cute in this apartment. I don’t know how I could ever sleep.” He walks towards you and gently tucks the hair that had fallen in your eyes behind your ears. It’s very intimate and you feel yourself start to smile. “Can we go to bed now?” He moves his arm out for you to lead the way and you feel silly. John is a nice guy. Even if he really didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as you, he probably still would because it’s what you wanted. 

“Yeah, sorry.” You mumble and walk into the bedroom with him following. There’s not much clutter and it’s pretty bare besides the newly bought self help books on the nightstand and regular girly stuff littered on the dresser. John throws his bag on the floor and you grab some pajamas for yourself, heading to the bathroom to change. 

When you come back John is wearing a white t-shirt and soft blue sleep pants. He’s incredibly adorable and you can’t believe your luck of having him in your room right now. He must’ve grabbed his phone and weapons because they’re both on the nightstand on his side of the bed.

He looks you up and down in your tank top and shorts as you plop on the mattress, quickly getting under the covers. 

“This okay?” He asks and points to his own clothes. Was he expecting for you to want him to sleep in his suit?

“Yeah of course. But...  can you fight in pajamas?” You wrinkle your nose and tease him. “That’s not very assassin-y.”

He barks out a laugh and lays down, but he doesn’t get under the sheets. His feet are bare and long, and you keep peeking at his toes.  “I think it’ll be fine.”

You roll over and face him. He’s looking up at the ceiling with his arms crossed behind his head. 

“I can’t believe you’re here right now.”

He doesn’t move. “Why?”

Your eyes start to become heavy and you watch his chest move up and down in slow rhythmic breaths. “People don’t usually do nice things for me. I’m used to being on my own.”

With that he shifts on his side, towards you.  His hair falls in his eyes and you long to brush it away. “I can tell.”

“I don’t like asking for help.”

“You never asked me for anything.” John points out. There’s plenty of space between the both of you and flop your arm towards his side, pointing at him teasingly.

“Oh, I distinctly remember asking you to do one very specific thing and you failed.”

He squirms from the quick stabs of your pointer finger at his ribs. “I don’t know, I think things turned out pretty perfect.”

You scoff and roll to your stomach now, sliding your arms under the pillow. “Perfect? Yeah right, I’m sure this is the last place you want to be.”

“It is perfect. This bed is very comfortable.” John finally gets under the blankets and you giggle sleepily. His cologne is stirred by his movement and you savor the spicy smell. 

“It’s new. I got a raise at work. I’m an assistant manager now.” You tell him proudly, even though you know it’s not that big of an accomplishment.

“Oh excuse me, Miss Assistant Manager.” John smiles and acts extremely impressed. “Congratulations, by the way. I should take you out to celebrate.”

You have no idea if he’s serious or not so you just laugh and snuggle down more into the bed. After a minute you ask, “Do you think Max will come tonight?”

John pauses, thinking. “Hard to say. He doesn’t have a good past. He has friends in high places who will probably help him. How’d you meet a guy like that anyway?”

“How is that you know my name, where I live, my phone number, where I work, what car I drive… literally everything about me and you don’t know that?”

John brushes the hair from his eyes and you can see the tan line around his ring finger has started to finally fade. “That’s just part of the job.”

“Fixing leaking water faucets is part of being an assassin?” You ask, teasing again.

A sweet pink flush spreads on John’s cheeks. “Shush.” 

“That’s what I thought.”

He pretends to glare. “Maybe it is. You don’t know.” 

“You’re right, I don’t know.” You yawn and let your eyes fall close. “Can I tell you tomorrow though? I’m gonna pass out.”

You hear the click of the side lamp turn off and you want to stay awake, to soak in this moment a little more but sleep is overpowering and you drift off into a peaceful rest. 

**

Until about two o’clock in the morning, and then you start to toss and turn. You swear there’s a noise out in the living room but you also know you’re probably being paranoid. You can see the shape of John’s body just a few inches away and you want to reach over to him. 

“Hey.” He whispers and his voice startles you still. “Are you okay?”

“No.” You sit up a little and look towards your bedroom door. There’s a stream of light from the street lamps coming in through the window, but other than that it’s dark. “I thought I heard something.”

“It was just the air kicking on. You’re fine.”

“Are you sure?”

You feel John’s palm rest on your arm and squeeze. “Positive.”

“Is he out? Did you get a text or anything?”

“Hey, don’t worry about anything, okay? I promise you’re safe.”

You fall back on the bed with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

You're wide awake and this whole situation is baffling. John Wick is in your bed, squeezing your arm and comforting you. 

“Isn’t being an assassin illegal?” You blurt out, the darkness giving you courage, and you instantly regret asking the question because he pulls away.

“It’s the only thing I’m good at.” He says quietly. “Trust me, I tried to retire and I got sucked back in somehow. People seem to want only me for really hard jobs.”

“Couldn’t you get arrested or something if you got caught? Could I get in trouble with you being here?” 

“No. Sometimes cops need bad guys to go away too. You won’t get in trouble.”

“Oh.”

“Feel better now?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I just don’t always get myself into the best situations. I feel really safe with you, I just…” You don’t meet an assassin everyday. You have no idea what it really means. 

“It’s fine.”

“I don’t want to offend you.”

He laughs softly and his fingers brush the back of your arm now. “Nothing you ever ask will offend me. It’s actually quite refreshing. I just hope…”

You wait for him to finish, but he seems to be gathering his thoughts and you don’t want to rush him. 

“I hope you can think of me as a friend before an assassin. And I hope that I don’t scare you.”

“I don’t scare easily.” You mumble and yawn, glancing back to your bedroom door. You ignore the friend comment because you feel like you’ve already been through hell and back. You don’t know if you could consider John as a friend and then lose him someday. It might break you all over again. But then you think of how far you’ve come. “I could probably take Max. I could get him to leave me alone now that I have my mind straight.”

“You think so?” John is sincere and you can hear he’s happy at your mental growth. 

“Yeah maybe. As long as he’s clean and not hopped up on something. Then it might be harder.”

“I guess we’ll see.” John checks his phone and puts it down again after looking briefly at it. “Are you going to be able to get back to sleep?”

“Yes. I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

“Stop apologizing.” He shifts to his side, with his back to you. 

It’s a strong, solid back with his shoulder blades poking out from underneath his t-shirt. You stare until your eyes feel heavy again. You feel safe.

**

The next time you wake up the sun is blaring from the window and John is gone. His leather bag is still by the bed though, but his suit jacket and all of his guns are gone too. 

You start to go about your business, not believing John would leave you alone if you were in any kind of danger. It’s almost creepy how your phone alerts a few seconds later with a text, like he knows that you’re up. 

No need to worry. I know where he is. I’ll see you later tonight. Let me know if anything happens.

You text back sounds good and John tells you to have a nice day.

It just so happens that you have the next two days off from work and you don’t know what to do with yourself. Your foot still hurts from the baseball bat incident so you zone out in front of the TV for a while, trying to forget all of your problems. That doesn’t really work so the next best thing is to venture through the kitchen. You have snacks but not much else. Maybe it would be nice if you could fix John a nice dinner or something, for hanging out with you and like, protecting you from a shitty ex boyfriend. 

Some nice meat might do the trick. A nice steak with a potato and veggies. One thing grandma did that was awesome? Was to teach you how to cook. Wanting to actually cook was a different story for the last few years, the thought making you ill when you were practically a walking zombie, but now the thought excites you. It’s also different to cook for someone than just yourself because it’s usually not worth all the hassle.

Quickly, you get dressed and head out to the nearby grocery store. It's quiet and you take your time walking down the aisles with your cart, wondering what sorts of things John likes to eat. He probably stays healthy but a part of you thinks that he might have a sweet tooth. You grab everything you need, including some pie for dessert and head back home to get started.

There’s a ton of food so you text John to come over hungry and don’t eat any dinner. 

He doesn’t reply back immediately and your stomach starts to sink. What if this is too much? Is this weird? It’s just dinner, right? Friends have dinner together. John has to eat sometime. 

He eventually texts back a simple okay and you take it for what it is. There’s nothing you can do about it now, and since you’ve never really cooked in this kitchen before, if it turns out terrible you can always order pizza. 

It doesn’t turn out terrible, in your opinion, and you’re actually impressed with yourself. There’s a knock on the door right when you're finishing setting the table and John scolds you for not asking who it was before opening the door. He’s still in the middle of his speech when he gets a whiff of steak and sees that the table is set nicely. 

“What’s all this?” He asks, smoothing down his expensive silk tie. 

You pull out a chair for him to sit down. “It’s just a little thank you.”

He doesn’t look happy with that answer.

“It’s me making my friend dinner… randomly?” You try again. 

He laughs and nods, accepting that instead and removes his suit jacket, draping it over the back of his chair. “Do you mind if I…” He points to his waist and waits for you to nod before unclipping the belt, putting it in the bedroom for the night. 

“Wine? Beer?” You ask, debating which you want. 

“Usually I would, but…”

You understand that he’s working, even though he’d hate it if you said it aloud, and put them both away. “How about some ice tea?”

“Sure.” John sits and folds a napkin in his lap. He’s watching you and when you bring over a plate full of food there’s an unmistaken gasp. “Wow, this is amazing. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.” You sit down too and pass him the salt and pepper. “I forgot how much fun it is to cook. I haven’t made anything since grandma was sick and I stopped eating. But today it was like she was in the kitchen with me.” You stop and close your eyes, embarrassed. “Sorry, that was weird to say.”

“Not the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to me.” He reminds you hesitantly, but with a small smile. 

Heat warms your cheeks and you have to chuckle in agreement. “True. I feel like that was so long ago though. I’m like a different person now. You must’ve thought I was crazy.” You don’t say that you’re grateful you accidentally gave your phone number to a police informant.  That it was John who showed up that day. That it wasn’t some crook who could’ve used a few hundred dollars. 

“I didn’t think you were crazy.” John takes a big bite of steak and moans a little. “This is really good. I haven’t had a home cooked meal in a long time.”

“You don’t cook much?” You ask, waiting for him to make another noise of pleasure. 

“I hate cooking for just myself.” He says, but otherwise he is disappointingly quiet. 

You take a bite of vegetables and nod in agreement, trying to hide your swelling of excitement. Well, that’s that. He is single. No big deal, you tell yourself to calm the hell down in your head. It doesn't matter anyway. It’s not like anything would ever happen. “So, you didn’t think I was crazy? What did you think?”

John puts down his fork and looks at you, his chin resting on his hand thoughtfully. “I thought you looked really tired. That you needed help and had nowhere else to turn.”

You gently rub a finger under your eye, where you know there used to be darkened circles. Now your eyes are bright and alive. You blush at his observation. 

“What’d you think when you saw me?” He asks, interested again in his steak but keeping an attentive ear to everything you say.

You don’t know why, but you feel a surge of confidence. “I thought I was talking to the most attractive hitman in all of New York and that there was no way I could afford your... business.” 

John raises an eyebrow and laughs. “Really?”

Shrugging, you take another bite of food and swallow. “I don’t know what I was really thinking, honestly. It was not my best day. I just wanted to get the conversation over with. I wasn’t in the right mindset.” 

“But therapy is going well?” 

You’re not surprised that he knew about that, but it does make you pause that he actually asked. “Definitely. It’s going very well. And she’s a fan of you, by the way.”

“Me?” 

“Don’t worry, she thinks you're an undercover cop.” 

John leans over his plate, trying to get closer to you. “What exactly do you say about me?”

“That’s personal!”

“Fine.” He leans back now in his chair and crosses his arms, fake disappointment in a pout on his lips. “Then I won’t tell you about what I found out today.”

You glare at him. “Isn’t that blackmail?”

“Or extortion.” He shrugs, waiting for you to answer.

“Ugh.” You roll your eyes and sigh.  “I told her about all of the nice stuff you did for me, even though it was creepy, and how you probably saved my life.”

He blinks at that, obviously not expecting you to be so forward. “Oh. And what did she say?”

“She said to be careful about you breaking into my place and stealing my car… but that it sounded like I made a really good friend.”

John is suddenly silent and tucks a stray piece of hair behind his ear. His voice is quiet when he finally speaks. “Just… just a friend?”

Your stomach does a little flip and you’re not sure where he’s going with this. “I’m pretty sure all I can have is friends right now.” You tell him slowly, trying to get all of your words exactly right. “I need to find my worth, be happy with myself… before I can do that for someone else, you know?”

John nods and his eyes are sad for a brief second but when he looks up at you, he’s proud. “I think that’s great. And I’m happy to help remind you that you’re pretty awesome.”

“Reminders are nice.” You tell him with a small smile. “Especially considering they come from a bad ass assassin.”

John chuckles and finishes his steak. He loosens his tie and unbuttons the top button of his dress shirt. He looks a little tired and you wonder what he did all day.

“So what were you going to tell me?”

“Oh, right. Max. He seems to be doing well. He’s living with his mom across town and he was spotted going into an AA meeting.”

You’re stunned. In a good way. “Really? He was always such a heavy drinker. That’s where I met him. At the bar across the street from the hospital. When visiting hours were over and I didn’t have to work, I’d go there a lot. And well, I guess he spotted a weak one.” You think back to those days when he was nice to you at first, which quickly changed into becoming manipulative and controlling. The final straw was when he said that you couldn’t visit your grandmother anymore. You lost it and he raised a hand at you, several times. You never want to be that weak. Ever again.  “Well that’s good news, right?”

“Yeah.” John rubs at his beard. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t relapse.”

You stand up and start to clear the dishes from the table. “So you don’t have to stay the night, probably.”

“No, I’ll stay at least one more night. Just to be safe.”

You give him a disapproving look. You really hate to waste his time.

“Seriously, I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I wasn’t here. One more night and I’ll be out of your hair.”

That’s not at all what you meant by giving him a look so you just shake your head. “It’s nice to have the company. I just don’t think my apartment is where you want to spend your nights.”

“And where exactly do you think I spend my nights?”

The sink is full of soap and John stands to clear the rest of the plates and cups. “I picture this really fancy nightclub or rave with techno music and neon lights and beautiful women dancing around you.”

John hands over a plate and looks at you like you’re nuts. “You have a very vivid imagination.”

“Oh, like that’s never happened.” You deadpan.

“Well, I can’t say never... “ John leans against the counter and offers to help you. 

“No, I got it but thank you. And also, I knew it. I just don’t see you like… dancing to techno music.” You make a face and stick out your tongue a little. You hate techno.

John laughs. “I don’t go there to dance. If I’m at a club or something it’s usually for work.”

“Ah, I see.” You move to get the dish rag to dry the silverware. “So, where do all the beautiful women throw themselves at you?”

He’s not really paying attention when he answers and he’s looking at something on the ground. “Well lately it’s been at a lake and a local gas station. Is that a bruise?” John bends down and slowly traces the swirls of black and blue colors on top of your foot. The touch stings a little but you hold still. 

“Oh uh... “ God, how stupid. You didn’t think it was that noticeable. “Yeah.”

“Your whole foot is swollen.” His eyes are huge when he stands up and looks at you, his hands on his hips. “What happened?” He growls out and you push past him, considerably embarrassed and turned on all at once. 

“I did it to myself, okay? It’s not a big deal.” 

“You’re limping.” He exasperates, but he gently puts an arm around your waist and helps guide you to sit down. You put your foot on the coffee table and it does look worse than it did yesterday, puffy and colorful. 

You grimince and don’t want to tell him. “It was just a silly accident. Sam at work already made fun of me, so let’s just forget it.”

John disappears to the kitchen and you can hear ice being gathered. He comes back and sits on the coffee table, slowly moving your foot to his lap and putting a towel full of ice by your toes, where the worst of the purples are blooming. 

“You really don’t have to do that. It’s not that bad. I was just on my feet all day and I didn’t think about it. It’ll be back to normal by tomorrow.”

His fingers are so gentle around your ankle and you can’t help but to stare at his big hand surrounding your delicate bones. “Hey.” John taps on your skin until you look up at him. “You’re worth being taken care of, okay?”

Well, he got you there damnit. “Oh, that’s a good one.” You’re impressed and you let him hold your foot, sitting back to relax. Your therapist would be really pleased that you let someone help you.

“Are you going to tell me or are we going to sit here all night?”

You briefly tell him how you got the bruise and his fingers stop tracing over your skin long enough for him to laugh. Loudly.

“It’s not that funny.” You scowl at him.

“It’s really funny.” He’s snickering now and you swear there’s a tear at his eye. He moves to wipe it away and mumbles something like, “you are the cutest... “ and then clears his throat and straightens up. “You’ll have to show me your moves.”

“Uh, no, I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough for tonight, thank you.”

John rubs at your ankle again, squeezing around your leg lightly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be mean to the patient.”

“Exactly right.” You agree and smirk when you think of payback. “You gonna kiss it better?”

Without hesitation John takes off the towel and presses his lips to your cold skin. All you can do is stare at his beard and then at the teal nail polish on your toes. You’re speechless.

“It didn’t seem to work.” John says, disappointment in his voice. “I guess I’ll have to work on my technique.” 

He says that last part suggestively and you sit up in the chair, ready to change the subject. “I got dessert. You like pie, right?”

“Do I like pie? What kind of question is that?”

“Can you get it?” You smile sweetly at him. “It’s on the counter.”

He gives you a knowing look but lifts your foot to get up. You can see his reflection in the window as he moves around in your kitchen and you watch him in disbelief. You realize you’ve never had anyone in your apartment. Not even grandma, she was already too sick when you got it. Max always made you go to his place. John comes back with one plate and two forks, a big slice for both of you to share. 

“This is the best anyone has ever paid me to do a job.” He jokes and you smile back, taking a fork and scooping a bite for yourself. 

You point to an envelope on your desk. “Speaking of getting paid… I know it’s not much, but I did promise you--”

“I was kidding.” John cuts you off. His face is instantly annoyed and hurt. 

“John, please.” Your foot is still propped up on the coffee table and you can’t really move. “I just thought I’d offer.”

“Well, take it back.” He says and you put your hands up in defense, silently telling him not to be mad. “And you just lost pie privileges.” 

“What?”

He stands up and walks over to the couch, as far away from you as possible. “Yeah that’s right. I’m eating all of this myself.”

You huff and struggle to sit up. “That is a radical punishment.”

“You need to learn your lesson.” He takes another big bite, making a show of it. 

“That’s it.” You get up and hobble over to him, practically falling into his side and he lets out a grunt when you accidentally lean into his ribs. You decide to just lay where you are for now, you can’t move if you wanted to. “John, seriously. Pie please.”

He shakes his head with amusement and feeds you a small piece. You take it happily and let your head rest on his shoulder while he finishes and feeds you some more until it’s gone. Both of you are quiet. This is the closest you’ve ever been and you just want to feel his warmth. You know eventually you have to move so you peer up at him and smile. “You have blueberry on your lip.” You tell him, reaching to smudge it off with your thumb. At the same time he licks at it and you both laugh.

“C’mon, cripple. I’m helping you to bed.” He tells you, putting the plate and fork down on the coffee table. You use his thigh to get yourself up and he steadies your waist as you balance on one foot. You’re standing between his legs and he’s looking up at you with the sweetest eyes. 

“Thank you for dinner.” His voice is sincere and determined to get his appreciation across. 

You put your hands on his shoulders and lean some of your weight on him. “John… thank you. Thank you for everything.” And with that you let yourself drop down and you hug him hard. He pulls you close and rubs his hands over your back. His hair brushes your cheek and you breathe in deeply, his scent rushing to your head in the most pleasant high.

Awkwardly, you push yourself away and he grabs at your hands. “You want me to carry you to bed?”

You shoot him a glare and he laughs, letting you wobble towards your bedroom while he takes care of the dishes and turns out all the lights. 

When he’s satisfied everything is in the right place, he walks into your bedroom and stands in the doorway, watching you while you sit on the bed and tie your hair up over your head for the night.

“What?” 

John breaks his stare and walks around to the other side of the bed. “Nothing.” 

“Do you want to watch TV or something?” You ask, grabbing the remote to the set up you have on your dresser. You tend to fall asleep to sitcoms rather than complete silence with thoughts running through your mind at full speed. 

“Actually do you mind if I take a shower?” He asks. “I did a lot of running around.”

Your mouth goes dry and you try to get it together before he notices. “Did you get all sweaty tracking Max today?” You guess, smiling when he looks impressed that you got it right. “See, I could totally be an assassin!” Your smile fades when he points to your foot. “Okay, well I could be an assassin’s secretary. I could like, get all the payments and make appointments and travel arrangements and get your guns cleaned and all that stuff!”

He walks around to his bag and gathers a pair of clean sleep clothes. “And take care of all the dead bodies too?”

You gulp. That’s so disturbing. “Yep. And I could take you to the doctor if you get hurt real bad.” You think back to the bruised knuckles and the dried cut on his face.

He cocks his head to the side and thinks for a minute. “That does sound helpful.” 

“Really?”

“Yes and also dangerous. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

You stand from the bed to get him a towel. “Um, just to let you know, I’ve seen all the assassin movies.”

“Oh, so you’re an expert.”

Opening your closet, you pull out the softest towel you own. “That sounds very sarcastic.” You push it to John's stomach and he grabs it from you, but you don’t let go and tug it back gently. “I’ll have you know I’m a very quick study, Mr. Wick.”

John briefly closes his eyes and takes a step closer to you. He leans in to whisper, his mouth close to your ear, “You better get off that foot.”

A giggle escapes and you sit down on the bed. “If I didn’t have a bruised foot... then could I be your secretary?”

He walks into the bathroom, and right when he closes the door he stops to tell you no.

Frowning, you crawl back to your pillows. You notice John forgot his pajamas on the bed and you’re about to get up and give them to him, but you decide not to. This should be interesting. 

You’re watching TV innocently when the bathroom door cracks open ten minutes later. Steam is hovering around John’s form and you hide your smile.

“Um… I forgot my…” He points to the clothes on the bed and you point to your foot. 

“I would help you, but I’m a cripple.” You tell him, now smiling because you can’t hide it anymore. You’re trying not to laugh. 

He glares at you when the door opens and you see the towel wrapped around his waist. 

“I swear I won’t look.” You tell him, covering your eyes. 

“Are we twelve now?” He mocks, stepping out and picking up his clothes. 

Your smile fades when you look at him because damn. “No, we are definitely not twelve.” You murmur to yourself, and you don’t mean to gock, but he’s fresh out of the shower, glistening skin and tight muscles, toned and strong. He pushes his hair from his face and notices you watching him. 

There’s a smug grin when he turns around and your heart completely skips a beat. All you see are flashes of tattoos, black lines and shading on his back. Maybe on his arms too but it was so fast. If you could only make time stand still. 

Now you’re glaring when he comes back into the bedroom a few minutes later. He’s glancing at you very casually. “What?”

“You did that on purpose.”

He laughs and gets under the covers. “What? Forget my clothes?”

“No. Showing off all of your…” You gesture to his body. “Never mind.” You can’t believe this is happening and turn towards the TV, trying to forget the hotness laying beside you. Nope. You can’t. “John, why are you doing this?”

He sits up a little. “What do you mean?”

“Why are you here? Why are you helping me?” There. You finally asked it. Here comes the pity party.

“Why wouldn’t I?” He asks, confused. When you don’t say anything, he asks another question. “Would you help me if I needed it?”

You don’t hesitate. “Yes, of course I would.”

“Well,” he lays back down and looks blankly at the TV. “There’s your answer.”

“But you hardly know me.”

He briefly glances at you. “Does it matter? I would want to help anyone. What are we watching?”

You laugh at how simple it was all this time. You should really stop overthinking everything. “Do you want to watch Friends or Seinfeld?”

“Who and what?” He asks, not knowing at all your favorite shows. 

You caress his cheek and pet him softly. “You poor, innocent man. I have a lot to teach you about laughing.”

He shoves your hand away playfully. “I watch TV… sometimes.”

“When you’re not doing assassin-y stuff.”

John sighs and closes his eyes. “Yes, when I’m not working.”

“Mmhm.” You don’t really believe him. You figure he reads a lot or studies, or does something really smart. Never really does anything just for fun. “We should totally go to a movie tomorrow!” You say it jokingly, like he would ever agree to something so mindless, but you can hardly believe it when he nods and says okay. “Really? You would go to a movie?”

“Isn’t that what friends do together, right?”

You wouldn’t have any idea. You don’t have friends and you haven’t been to the movies in ages. You hate going by yourself and you never had enough money.

“I think so?” You respond, not really knowing.

He lets out a little yawn. “All of my friends are… well, you know. I don’t see any of them going to a movie.”

“But you would?”

“With you? Yes. You’re not in the business, clearly.”

You throw a pillow at him,  but he quickly catches it and puts it behind his head. You mumble to yourself of course and turn off the light. “Just for that, I get to pick.”

He groans and you laugh as you tuck yourself in under the covers. You feel excited for tomorrow. Your therapist was right, you did make a good friend. Even if both of you have no idea what exactly that means. 

**

You’re still in bed when John is getting coffee from the kitchen, looking at your phone for movie times. “Don’t worry, I will not make you sit through a chick flick… or a disney movie… or a musical.” 

“Do you take cream and sugar?” John asks, popping his head into the bedroom. You nod yes to both and he disappears again.

“Oh! There’s a new sci-fi movie out. You like aliens, right? It looks scary too.” 

John comes back into the room with two steaming hot cups. He hands one to you carefully and you take a slow sip. “Mmm. This is really good, thank you.”

He looks pleased with himself as he gets back into your bed, sitting with his legs crossed under him. His hair is messed up a little and he’s still in his pajamas. The sight is really cute. You’re kind of sad that it was the last night he’s here. You quickly got used to him in your apartment and having someone to come home to was so nice. He already mastered your crappy coffee machine and he does the dishes. But the sleepovers are done and you wish it had lasted a little longer, purely for selfish reasons. 

You must be staring at him for too long because he stops drinking his coffee and gives you a small smile. “What?”

Dunking your head, you’re embarrassed that he caught you. “Nothing.”

He grins, like he can read your mind but doesn’t want to ruin the moment. “What time’s the movie?” 

“Let’s see…” You tap at your phone, scrolling through the options. “How about this afternoon? Then we could get something to eat or whatever.”

Now he’s really smiling and now he really does call you out. “Wouldn’t this be like… a date? Did you just ask me out on a date?”

“What!” You shriek and put your coffee down on the nightstand, stretching your leg over to try and push him off the bed, but he doesn’t move an inch and just laughs at you. “Oh. My. God.  Absolutely not, you weirdo. Why can’t two people just hang out? Jerry and Elaine do it all the time!” You point to the TV in your defense, trying to remind him of the show you watched last night. 

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” John puts his coffee down too and grabs your foot to inspect the bruise. “Wishful thinking, I guess.”

You roll your eyes, still not being able to fathom John Wick flirting with you. It’s probably all a joke to him anyway so you continue to ignore it. “What’s the verdict, Doc?”

He slides your pant leg up and takes a closer look. “Well, it’s not as dark as it was yesterday. Still a little swollen.”

“Told you it would be fine.”

“You’re welcome.” He cracks a smile and you remember the kiss he placed there last night. “Do you need anything else to feel better?”

“Ugh, gross.” Rolling your eyes even harder. “Your flirting is terrible.” 

He grabs at his heart like it hurts. “I take offense to that.”

“Good, that was the point.” You get up from the bed and open the closet, searching for something to wear today. “It’s probably the one thing you’re not good at.”

“I could be good at it.” He says, sipping his coffee again. “I’m just rusty. I need to practise.”

You don’t turn around. “Obviously.”

“Obviously.” He repeats slowly, and then horrified, “Wait.. I’m not skeezy am I?”

That makes you laugh and you sit back down on the bed. “No, John. You’re not skeezy. You’re like the opposite of skeezy. You’re too nice to be skeezy.”

“I’m too nice?”

“Yeah.” You get up again and fiddle with your hair that’s fallen in your face. “I know you say these things just to be nice to me. I know it doesn’t mean anything. It’s sweet though, it’s fun. I get it.”

Slowly, he shakes his head, trying to comprehend your thoughts. “So, you’re saying I could never be serious about flirting with you?”

“Ha, not in this lifetime.” You gather your bathrobe and head for a shower. “Don’t worry, I’m not that stupid. I know exactly how far out of your league I am.”

Now John is the one rolling his eyes. You don’t give him a chance to say anything though and close the door to the bathroom, finally able to catch your breath a little. He still makes you nervous, you realize, and you hope the feeling fades the more time you spend with him because it seems like he needs a friend just as much as you do.

**

You’re brushing your teeth when John taps a knuckle on the door.

“Do you mind if we stop at my place before the movie?”

“You don’t want to wear a suit all day?”

“Not really.” He smiles. “And I have to pick up the dog.”

“Oh right!” You spit into the sink and wash your mouth. “I want some puppy kisses.”

John looks at your lips and then to your eyes. It’s fast, but you still see it. And if you didn’t he mutters, “tease” and leaves to go out the front door.

You grab your purse on the way out and he waits patiently for you to lock the door behind you. He has his bag with him and you’re disappointed it’s not still in your apartment. You wonder if he’s wearing all of his guns and try to sneak a peek under his suit jacket at his waist. You’re not paying attention so you run smack into his back when he stops for the elevator. 

Yep, he’s wearing one gun because you feel it hit your stomach. He looks at you oddly and reaches a hand out to steady you.

“Do you always carry a gun when you go places?”

“Usually.”

“Do you ever have to use it?”

“Sometimes.”

The elevator ride down is quiet and you wave to Francis walking by in the hallway. John nods towards him too, like they have some sort of secret understanding. 

His car is glistening in the sun and you have to admit, it is a pretty sweet ride. John opens the door for you after he throws his bag in the trunk and you move carefully, afraid you might scratch the paint job. You fold yourself neatly in the seat and stay still. 

He smoothly gets in and before you can process about how annoyingly attractive he is, the engine roars to life and he’s speeding out of your complex onto the main road. You have a hard time not watching his hands because his fingers are long and look good around the steering wheel. He drives fast but not enough to make you nervous and glances at you a few times to make sure you’re okay. You don’t say much but it’s a comfortable silence with the windows down. You watch the town go by as you start to relax. 

It’s only about a ten minute drive until the car pulls up to the most gorgeous house you’ve ever seen. Of course, this is where John would live. In a house built with huge windows and high ceilings, with a big open yard that’s perfectly manicured. 

He parks in the driveway but still pushes a button so the garage door goes up. 

“C’mon, I’ll only be a minute.” He tells you and curiosity gets the best of you because you had planned to stay in the car. 

“Are you sure? I can wait here.”

“Why?” He doesn’t wait for you to answer, obvious that he thinks your question was dumb, and he moves around to open your door again. 

“Such a gentleman.” You praise, not being able to help yourself. You can’t remember the last time anyone opened anything for you.

He smiles and leads the way into the house. “Well, I try.”

“This is really pretty.” You tell him, stepping into a long hallway where you can see the living room off to one side and the kitchen off to the other. 

“You want the tour?” He asks, throwing his keys into a glass bowl and taking his suit jacket off. There are actually two guns on his belt, the one on his right hip you hadn’t seen. 

“No, it’s okay. Just seeing the downstairs is enough to make me depressed about my small apartment.”

John scoffs and opens the front door to let in some air. “I like your place. It’s comfortable there. And the cooking’s really good.”

You laugh and he steers you more into the kitchen, which is huge with a tile floor and what looks like all new appliances. “I’d love to cook in this kitchen. There’s so much room!”

“Yeah?” He stops and looks at you very seriously. “You officially have an open invitation to cook here any time.”

“Ha ha.” You push at his shoulder and walk to the big wood dining table, looking around. There are a bunch of picture frames, but they’re all in a pile on a shelf by the coffee maker. You wonder what kind of pictures he has and why they aren’t on display. You don’t want to be nosy though, so you run your finger over the espresso machine that looks like it cost more than a month of pay. “Marry me?” You bend over and ask it, breathing in deeply the scents of coffee. 

John laughs and points at a smaller hallway. “Laundry is through there.” He points at a door. “Basement.” He walks through the kitchen and into the living room, which is sparse but still lovely. You wonder if he decorated this place himself or if he had help. 

“Evening entertainment.” He points to the TV even though you see a stack of heavy books on the coffee table, some of them well read. “Upstairs?” He asks, starting for the staircase. You shrug, trying not to seem eager and interested. 

The amount of sunlight the house gets is incredible. There are windows everywhere, but you can’t see any neighbors and it’s fairly quiet. This is like your dream house. 

“Wow.” It’s all you can say when you enter the master bedroom. A huge bed in the middle that looks so very soft. There’s a sitting couch and table, with a bureau next to the walk in closet. The view is fantastic and you can even see the lake from here. You walk to the other side of his bedroom and almost press your face against the glass. “You live right across from the community college campus! That’s so cool!” 

John is in his closet, probably getting new clothes for the day, but you can hear him say, “Yeah?”

“Yeah! You could walk there if you wanted to! Save a ton on parking.” You mutter, more to yourself. 

Suddenly he’s right behind you, now in a white cotton shirt with long sleeves. “What do you mean?”

“I applied to go to school in the fall. I want to take some classes, maybe try for a degree or something. My place is far, so it’ll be a hassle but that’s okay.” You tug on the hem of his shirt as you walk by him, throwing your purse on the bed. “What else is up here?” You ask, peering down another long hallway.

He has a proud look in his eyes and he’s still gapping at you a little. “I didn’t know you’re going back to school.”

“Oh, something you finally didn’t know, I can’t believe it.”

“Well, I saw the application on your kitchen table but I didn’t want to assume.”

You laugh because of course he did. “Were you snooping, John Wick?”

“Never. I just observe.”

“Oh, I see.”

He opens the door to an empty bedroom with no furniture. “This was supposed to be a guest room but I never got around to it.”

“What about that room?” You point to the door at the end of the hallway. 

“My office.”

“Ooh. Do you have assassin secrets in there?” You smile teasingly and walk back to his bedroom to get your purse. 

“No, those are in the basement.”

Laughing, you can’t tell if he’s joking or not. You don’t think he is. 

The windows are calling again and you can’t help but to take one more look of the view. “This is just so nice. You have everything in walking distance. The lake, the school…”

There’s a beat of silence before he says, “You should move in here.”

That makes you throw your head back and really laugh. How funny. “John, don’t be stupid.”

“How is that stupid?” He asks, his tone is serious but kind. “There’s an empty room. You can walk to school. You can watch the dog for me when I go on… work trips. You would have a kitchen to cook in.”

This man seems to keep surprising you. “You’ve only known me for like a month. What if I smell bad or something?”

He doesn’t hesitate. “You smell amazing.”

“What if I play loud music really late at night?”

“You can’t keep your eyes open past ten.”

“What if I have parties all weekend long?”

“While you work and go to school? Be my guest.”

“What if I’m messy and leave my clothes everywhere?”

John’s eyes narrow with suspicion. “Did you just pretend to be neat while I was at your place for two days?”

He’s right, you do like a clean house. “Whatever, John.” Hoping that he drops it. “Don’t you have to get the dog?”

“Damn, stay here. I’ll be right back. Their house is just down the street.” He runs down the stairs and you can hear the screen door open and shut. 

You look around the bedroom again and take it all in. What a completely different life this would be. Not that you don’t like your apartment. It’s cozy and you’re proud of what you’ve established for yourself. This is too fancy for you anyway. Plus, you like having your space. John would be the weirdest roommate ever. You can’t even imagine. 

You jog down the stairs to wait on the couch. You spot some more picture frames stacked nicely in a pile and you’re just about to sneak a look when you can hear them approach the house.

“Puppy kisses!” You cry out and kneel down to gather a happy dog in your arms. If you had any idea this was the dog driving you mad all those nights, you would have taken him for yourself. 

“Pooch! Get down.” John’s Alpha voice is hot and both you and the dog stop everything. 

He trots over to his doggy bed anyways and plops down. “Cassey, the little girl, wore him out at the park this morning.” John says. “Are you ready to go?”

The movie! You had almost forgotten with all the excitement of being in John’s house.

“Yeah, let’s do it. And don’t worry, I’ll protect you. Don’t get scared.” You tell him, in a bravado voice. 

“Can we get gummy bears?” He asks and you crack up on the way back to the garage. 

“You’re a grown man, you can get whatever you want.”

John hurries to open the car door for you again. “I meant, would you have any or would you like something else?”

“Hmm, I don’t know, that’s a big decision.” You slide back into the car and think to yourself that you could really get used to the chivalry John is showing. You wonder how long it could last. “I think I have to see all my options.”

John smiles as he starts the car and lowers the garage door. “This is really serious.”

You fasten your seatbelt and get comfortable. “When’s the last time you went to a movie?”

He turns his head to back out of the driveway, putting his arm around your seat. His face is very close to yours and you notice that his eyes are a very pretty brown when he’s not working. 

“Good point.”

You grin, breaking the eye contact because it’s making your stomach fill with butterflies that you mentally quiet down. 

The theater is busy and you realize it’s a Friday during summer, so all the teenagers are here. John’s phone rings as he parks and tells you he has to take it, so you decide to get in line and buy the tickets. He’s leaning against his car, chatting while looking around at his surroundings and smiles at you when he catches you checking on him. 

You quickly see that the movie is sold out and not knowing what to do, you walk back to John and the car just as he’s finishing his conversation. It sounds like he was speaking in Russian, but you can’t be sure. “All set?” He asks, sliding the phone in his pocket and reaching to put his hand on your back. He hardly ever really touches you, but his hand hovers over your body constantly. 

“It’s sold out.” You tell him. “Do you want to see something else or maybe come back another day?”

“Oh.” He looks disappointed. “But you really wanted to see that movie.”

“It’s okay, shit happens, right?” You shrug it off easily. This is not the worst thing that could happen. Plus, you’re hanging out with John, so you could be going to the town dump and you’d be happy.

“Hold on. Stay here, I’ll be right back.” He takes off towards the theater and leaves you by the car. You watch him go and it’s almost like he’s in slow motion again. You wonder how just his stride oozes that much confidence. 

In a few minutes he’s back with two tickets. “Here we go. C’mon.”

“How’d you do that?” You dumbly follow him to the theater doors and he guides you to walk in front of him.

“It’s a secret. What do you want?”

You’re still staring at him in a silent awe as he looks at the refreshment stand. A beautiful young worker comes to help and John’s gaze is just on you.

“Um… gummy bears? Right?” You ask him, trying to snap out of it. “That’s what you wanted?”

He leans in close, dark hair falling into his eyes. “I’m asking what you want.”

You don’t really remember what the hell you say, but somehow John pays and leads you down a long hallway and to your seats. Now he’s really close to you and the smell of his cologne is making your legs weak. 

“You okay?”

“Yes!” It comes out too fast but you realize you’re acting weird and need to get with it. 

John nods and crosses his long legs, sitting back in the chair and shifting towards you, whispering as advertisements play on the big screen. “I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“Do friends hold hands at the movies?”

You close your eyes. “No, John. They do not.”

“Not even when I scored tickets that were sold out?”

You lean in to him and smile. “If you tell me how you did that, I might reconsider the answer to your question.”

“Hmm…” He runs fingers over his beard as he thinks. “I talked to the manager.”

“And?”

“And I paid him.”

“John!”

“What? You wanted to know, so I told you.”

You shake your head in disbelief as the lights lower and the movie starts. “You’re crazy.”

He doesn’t disagree with you, but he does turn towards the screen, still touching your elbow throughout most of the first half of the movie. When it gets really creepy, he covers his mouth every time you jump in your seat, hiding his smile. 

You somehow get closer to his shoulder, shielding your eyes and turning into his body when you jump again, grabbing onto his arm. The muscles you feel are solid, and you technically knew they were there, you just never really considered them before. And you are definitely considering them now. 

John lets you hold on to him, and even offers to hold your hand when the movie winds down and you link his pinky with yours, not wanting to totally turn him down. He seems satisfied with that and smoothes his thumb down your hand a few times before the credits roll.

“That was so good!” You exclaim, getting up from your seat and stretching. “I forgot how fun the movies are!”

“You were scared.” John teases, playfully shaking your hand with his. 

“Was not.”

“Was too.”

“Whatever, you were scared too.” You tell him, pushing the heavy doors open and heading to his car. The sky is darker now and the wind has picked up, chilling your arms. You wish you had brought a sweater.

“I was definitely not scared.” John laughs, his hand hovering over your back again. You feel it because you stop for a car and his arm is suddenly pressed into your waist. He moves quickly though, opening the door for you to get inside. 

He turns on the heat as soon as he can and asks where you want to eat. 

“It’s up to you. I could go for anything.”

“Sushi?”

That surprises you and you can’t help but look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t know John Wick likes sushi. I see you more of an all meat kinda guy.”

“I have a very sophisticated pallet.”

“Oh, my mistake.” You laugh and tell him to lead the way. 

He takes you to a really nice place and you talk about the movie and the food all throughout dinner. It’s nice, not forced, and fun. These past two days, even with the weird circumstances, have been really fun. You want to pay for the dinner, but of course John beats you to it without you even realizing until it’s far too late. You glare at him and tell him that friends usually split the check. He apologizes with a sparkle in his eye and you know he’s not sorry at all.

When John pulls up to your apartment you thank him for such a great day. 

“Are you sure you’re not going to be scared?” He asks, after telling you he had fun today too.

“Yes, John.”

“I could spend the night again, just to make sure.”

You roll your eyes. “I’ll be fine. And you have to get back to Pooch.”

“You could spend the night at my place.” John offers, completely innocent but realizes what he says and adds, “I could take the couch, of course.”

“Good bye, John.” You tell him and he wants you to let him know if you need anything, or if you hear from Max. “I will.” Waving, you open the car door before he can get out and do it for you. The walk up to your apartment is quiet and just a little lonely. 

Once you get inside it’s worse, but you try to ignore it. Instead, you lay in bed where John had slept and cuddle the pillows. 

He texts you once he’s home, to make sure you made it to the apartment okay.

You didn’t let me walk you upstairs, he texts with a sad face.

Instead of telling him that you’re a grown up or you don’t need his protection, you simply text back next time. 

You really hope there’s a next time.

TBC Chapter 3

[slothspaghettiwrites]

Your Own Avengers Fan Club

Your Own Avengers Fan Club - It’s A Match series

Story Rating: T-M (it’s somewhere in that bracket)

Warnings: swearing, kissing, implied sexy times, tinder, online dating, avengers nonsense, drinking, fluff, poor proofreading 

Relationships: Happy Hogan/Reader or Happy Hogan/OFC

Word Count: 5863

Summary: You and Happy match on Tinder, it’s a bit of a whirlwind ride. 

A/N: No fucking regrets. I wrote this while hungover in like July. I deffo would have fucked the Happy Hogan who gets the crap kicked outta him by Natasha. The rogue hoe in me is just trying keep me from seeing Marvel Spoilers by rehashing my old shit. You’re welcome. 

A/N 2: AaaayyYYYYyyyaaaaaAAayyyy, first story on the new main is Happy Hogan and I couldn’t be happier about it. Enjoy this trash. If you’ve read this on Ao3, please note I’ve made a few grammar changes, but nothing that really effects the story.

Tags: @gotnofucks @foxgloveprincess @bonkywobble @iloveshawnieboi @bluskai​ @kleohoneyao3​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @golden-ariess​ @stuckysslag​ 

Chapter 1

His dating profile said he was 45, worked as head of security for some big company, and that he liked dogs and cooking. He was looking for a long term connection, and not a hookup. He only had three photos- one in a suit, another with his work friends, and the third of him eating a grilled sandwich. 

It was the sandwich that really sold it. From my experience, the more candid the photos people were willing to share, the more honest and open they were. My profile was a bit off-putting for most as it was. I had a few photos, I was an author (aka self-employed), I also wanted something long term, and I didn’t want children. At 35, my general age bracket was looking for either a hook-up or a person to have a family with. I’d done the flings and one night stands, but they didn’t make me feel good. They weren’t what my soul craved. 

Matching with Happy took me by surprise. He was a bit older, but he looked gentlemanly, serious, and like he had his life together. I hadn’t thought he’d be interested if I were honest with myself.

You- Hello! We matched. :) Would you be interested in meeting for coffee tomorrow?

Happy- Hey, a coffee would be great. There is a nice place near my office. I’ll send you the location. [location attached]

You- Oh, that’s perfect! I have a meeting around the corner in the afternoon. Does 12:30 pm work for you?

Happy- Sure, I’ll see you then.

You- It’s a date. :)

The quick chat with Happy reminded me that I had pages that needed finishing for tomorrow’s meeting. I spent the rest of the afternoon and well into the night writing and proofreading. When I was struggling to see straight was when I finally called it quits for the night. A deep growl ripped through my stomach, I couldn’t remember when I last ate. The clock on the microwave said 2:30 am. Shit.

I whipped together a quick deli sandwich, the pickle spears carefully arranged on the side. Not normally one for food photography, I snapped a picture and sent it off to Happy. Good to share my insane method of writing, or procrastination, early.

You- Does this count as dinner or breakfast at this time? 😂

Happy- I can’t believe you are awake.

Happy- What’s in your sandwich?

You- Deadlines had to be met, so there is no sleep for the procrastinator. It’s ham, turkey, tomato, lettuce, provolone, and mayo. 

You- And why are you awake?

Happy- Had an event tonight so just getting off work now. 

You- Hope you had fun at least even if it was work. :)

I put my phone away and scarfed down the sandwich before going about my nightly routine. Climbing into bed, I couldn’t help but feel a bit giddy about tomorrow. I wanted this to work. I wanted Happy to be interested in me and not just my work. Thoughts of strong gentlemen and stronger coffee floated through my mind as I drifted off to sleep. 

 ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬ 

I was nearly late to the coffee shop. First I slept through my alarm, then I forgot my papers for my meeting today so had to run back to get them, only to miss the train I needed to catch to get from Brooklyn into Manhattan. My breathing was labored when I finally made it at 12:29. Technically not late, but I had wanted to scope the place out before Happy would get here. I adjusted my glasses and baseball cap. I didn’t want to be recognized by a fan while with him. That was something that always put good people off a second date. 

I spotted Happy walking down the crowded street. He was wearing glasses and a black business suit with a black tie. I was maybe dressed a bit too casual in high waisted black jeans and a baggy crop top. Shit, maybe I dressed a bit too young. What if he thinks I’m hunting for some kind of sugar daddy? Anyone can wear a crop top, right?

I waved when he got close enough. My messenger bag dug into my shoulder so I quickly swapped shoulders so we could shake hands. Absentmindedly, I wiped my hands on the back of my jeans and tried to even out my huffing breaths.

“Hey, I hope you weren’t waiting long,” He extended his hand.

“No, I only just got here too,” I smiled at him. 

His hand was huge compared to mine. They were also a bit rough. His grip was firm and trustworthy. 

“You wanna wrangle us a table and I can get coffee? How do you take it?” I asked, gripping my bag strap. 

“A cappuccino with an extra shot would be great.” He said, opening the door to the cafe for me. 

“Thanks,” I smiled again and went to stand in line. He was a man after my own heart with the extra shot. I ordered his coffee and triple shot mocha for me. First coffee of the day and with a meeting later, I needed to consume as much caffeine as possible as quickly as possible. 

He was sitting against a wall, close to the front window. I slid his mug across to him.

“So you pull late nights often?” He inquired, taking a cautious sip of his coffee.

“Try not to, but inspiration always seems to strike when I have a pressing deadline.” I laughed.

We continued chatting about our perspective work. Happy mentioned that before he was in security he was a professional boxer. I was eager to hear more about that. It wasn’t every day I met someone so action-y or physical. Between writing deadlines and a general distaste for exercise, I was consistently a bit soft around the edges. My body was what it was. I don’t miss the body I had in college, but there were times I wished my stretch marks didn’t reach quite so far. 

At one point, Happy got foam on his mustache and when I pointed it out he blushed. The boyish charm about that action made my heart swell a bit. He was funny and had such a fresh look at reality. 

“Why are you called Happy?” I was intrigued to know if it was his actual name or just a nickname that had evolved to be his go-to name.

“When I was a boxer, I didn’t smile and they thought Harold Hogan wasn’t a good fighter’s name. So Happy it was.”

“Well if we go by that logic, my name should be Lucky,” I laughed. “I am so rarely lucky.”

Even when our coffees were gone, we continued to talk. I leaned into the table as if getting closer to him would make the story he was telling more real. We were reaching the one hour mark when his phone went off, he was getting a call from someone. 

“The genius overlord is calling me back,” He sighed, but then pocketed his phone again.

“Your boss keeps that close of tabs on you?” I wondered.

“We’ve been friends for a long time, but he is a needy guy.” Happy explained. 

“Mmm, I wouldn’t know much about needy bosses,” I grinned. 

“Do you wanna get dinner on Friday night?”

Before I could answer a small group of teenage girls came up to the table. Just my fupping luck.

“Are you Evette Huntington?” They stared eagerly down at me, oblivious to Happy. 

“I - uh - yeah, I am, girls. How can I help you?” I admitted. I couldn’t be mean to them, even if they broke my secret identity. 

“I love your book series. The heroine is so fierce. Can you sign our books please?” Three hardcover versions of my last book were thrust into my face. 

Happy was staring, I could feel it. He won’t want to go on that second date now. I had hoped at lunchtime on a Tuesday things wouldn’t be so crazy. I couldn’t make out his expression in my peripherals, but I hoped he wasn’t too annoyed. I quickly signed the books and politely declined to take a photo with them. I had regular enough book signings and photo ops at local books stores around the city, they could get one then when I was actually dolled up.

When they left, giggling and gushing over their books, I turned back to Happy.

“I’m so sorry. That doesn’t happen too often, I swear.” I apologized.

“Don’t stress about it, I’ve had to deal with more than my fair share of fangirls in my line work. The security of part, I don’t have fans,” he qualified with a nervous laugh. 

“Yeah, there is a reason I have a pen name.” I got up slowly, upset that our bubble had been burst.

“So are you free on Friday?”   

Bubble un-bursted!

I grinned and nodded enthusiastically. Before anything else could happen, I pulled out my phone and began to add a new contact. 

“Here,” I handed him the device. I watched him input his details, a pleased smirk on his face. 

We walked out of the cafe. I said I would text after my meeting. Before I could lose my nerve, I gave him a peck on the cheek goodbye. He blushed again. The girlish smile I had didn’t fade for the rest of the day.

Chapter 2 - Happy’s POV

Happy walked into the Avenger’s Tower on Friday in his favorite charcoal gray suit. He even wore the polka dot pocket square Pepper had gotten for his birthday last year. His hair was gelled and styled carefully. He felt good, not even the plethora of meetings he had today were going to bring down his mood. The table was booked for 7:30, that should be plenty of time to get there if he can leave by 7:00. 

“Hot date tonight Hap?” Natasha asked when he walked into the morning briefing, inspecting his outfit.

“Yeah,” He smirked. 

“What? Excuse me Happy. I thought we were friends.” Tony looked at him from across the table. 

“Details, Hap, we need details,” Now Sam was getting involved. 

“Why would I give you nosey people details?” He countered. 

“Because you’re sitting in a room of super-soldiers, genius, spies, and assassins. We can get the information out of you one way or another,” Clint slapped a hand down on Happy’s shoulder. 

“Let’s just get the meeting started.” He looked pointedly at Steve who stood in front of the podium. 

“Oh, no, they won’t pay attention to me now Happy, you gotta spill the tea as youths say.” Steve smiled at his use of young people’s phrase.

“Cap, don’t say spill the tea again, please. It just makes you sound old.” Tony teased.

“So Happy, who’s the doll you’re seeing tonight?” Bucky leaned forward.

“It’s just a nice woman I met on Tinder. We had coffee on Tuesday. So it is our second date tonight,” Happy covered his face with his hands. Why did he work with these peoples again?

“Is she the reason you ignored my call?” Tony demanded.

“Show us her profile,” Natasha commanded. 

“Tony, I ignored your call because I was on my lunch. You aren’t allowed to call me then unless it is a world-ending emergency.” 

“Being out of coffee is world-ending!” He shouted.

“What’s this girl’s name?” Clint asked. 

“Not telling you that either. The last thing I need is for any of you to do research on the lady.”

“J.A.R.V.I.S, who did Happy last message?” Tony called out to the AI.

“This morning Mr. Hogan has sent 20 messages to a contact called Lucky, sir.” The AI’s British accent was tinged with a note of annoyance at being asked the intrusive question. 

“What kinda name is Lucky?” Bucky made a face.

“It’s just a joke from our first date,” Happy explained. “If you go through my phone Tony, I will tell Pepper.”

“We will find out who she is Happy,” Natasha warned. 

 ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

Happy took extra care to check his suit for trackers before he left the office. He also checked the car for stowaways or bugs. The Avengers had hovered over him all day. Any time his phone went off, they were there. 

Unbeknownst to Happy, Tony sneakily asked J.A.R.V.I.S where Happy had dinner reservations tonight and got the name of a high-end bistro in Brooklyn. Tony passed this information on to Natasha, who arranged for the team to have dinner out at the same place. Definitely not to spy on Happy. Just to do some team bonding. She booked a table for 7:15.

When Happy arrived at the bistro, you were sat at the bar having a glass of wine. He stared at your form-fitted black wrap dress. Its neckline plunged and the hemline was short. Your hair was styled in a ponytail and you wore large gold hoop earrings. Happy swallowed hard. Fuck, he felt like the luckiest guy in New York at that moment. 

“What’s the luck of me running into you here?” He saddled up to the barstool you were perched on. 

“Happy,” You grinned brightly at him and kissed both his cheeks.

“Our table should be ready if you wanna go sit down?” He suggested. 

“Yes, let’s do that. I’m starving,” You wrapped your arm through his.

Halfway through a bottle of wine and some of the best pork belly he’d ever had, Happy’s phone started going off. You just smiled and told him it was fine. That you understood. Happy tried to give you a grateful look before he rushed to take the call outside. 

“What is it, Tony?” Happy scowled into the phone.

“Just wanted to see how your date is going Happy?” Tony’s voice dripped with fake innocence. 

“It would be better if you didn’t interrupt it.” He hung and rushed back inside. 

He saw the large group at the back of the bistro then. They were huddled together and looking anywhere that wasn’t the table you sat at. He put on a smile despite his frustration.

“Hey, after dinner do you wanna get ice cream and go for a walk?” Happy asked when he was seated again.

“That sounds like a good plan, but I was thinking of a nightcap back at my house. I also have ice cream?” You grinned sheepishly but held eye contact with him. 

“Yeah, that sounds like a really great plan.” Happy reached for your hand across the table and rubbed his thumb over your knuckles. 

You finished up quickly after that. Happy paid for the meal on his company card because fuck Tony. He held your hand the whole walk to your apartment building. While you fished your keys out of your small bag, he looked around to see if the team had followed you. There was a glint of a black and gold metal arm near the corner of the street. Happy was glad you lived in such a huge building then. At least it would make it a bit more difficult for them to invade your privacy. 

Finally in your apartment Happy relaxed. You lived on a middle floor, had your curtains drawn and your windows didn’t face the entrance of the building. Not that really mattered, because the moment the door was closed you jumped him.  

Happy’s hands immediately settled on your soft hips. He let you take charge of the kiss. The feeling of your wine flavored lips on his was even more intoxicating than the drink itself. Your hands wound around his neck and you deepened the kiss, licking your way into his mouth. When you pulled away from the kiss, Happy followed you and kissed you a second time, just as passionately. 

“Sorry, just got a bit excited,” Your cheeks burned and your lips were wet.

“No, no, not a problem,” Happy grinned like a fool. 

“So do you want that drink, or you wanna just go to bed?” Even in the dark, your eyes were lust blown and Happy’s mouth went dry.

He just nodded and let you take him back to your room.

Chapter 3

Happy and I have been dating for six months. He had supported me through the rough patch I had with my publisher and even stayed up with me to keep me motivated while I wrote into the early hours of the morning. He was excellent at bouncing ideas off of. He had a real insight into writing fight scenes and portraying crazy villains. Happy was slowly becoming a kind of muse for me. I was pretty sure I was in love. 

Happy- Hey do you have plans on Thursday night?

You- Ooo, Thursday is no good. I’ve got a hot date. 

Happy- I haven’t even told you what’s happening yet. 

You- If I’m with you, it’ll be great. 

Happy- There is a huge charity gala being held at my office and I’ve been told to invite you or risk losing my job. Would you like to come?

You- Does this mean I get to meet the cruel, genius overlord?

Happy- YES YOU GET TO MEET ME FINALLY

Happy- Sorry, he is also a thief. 

You- I’d be Happy to go with you ;) I’ll dust off my dancing shoes. 

 ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

I carefully steamed the black silk dress I wore to an awards event last year. I had been nominated but didn’t win. The dress was floor length and covered in colorful fine floral embroidery. It had a slit up to my mid-thigh, a conservative neckline, and was backless. The long sleeve would be perfect for the chilly autumn weather. 

I fussed with my hair, trying to lay different strands just right so the gold floral pins would peak out just right without fear of falling. I wore the same gold hoops I wore on our second date. The strappy heels made me a bit unstable, but they were a necessary evil to keep the dress from dragging. 

The unopened invitation carefully tucked into my black clutch, I stood outside to meet the car Happy organized. I had told him I could just get a taxi, but he said for security reasons this way was easiest. It wasn’t until the driver pulled up in front of the Avengers’ Tower did I think actually look at the invitation. I hadn’t thought to look, mostly because I had assumed Happy would just meet me outside some nondescript office building and we’d walk in together. Apparently, that was not the case. 

The car door opened and Happy was there, a bit flushed, but smiling. He looked absolutely stunning in his tuxedo. My hand gripped his as he pulled me out of the car. With practiced ease, he placed his hand on the opening at the back of my dress and guided me down the carpet. There were flashing cameras on either side of us. I put on my convention’s smile and focused on putting one foot in front of the other. 

When we were finally inside the tower, I let my face rest, and my shoulders slumped a bit. 

“I need a drink,” I laughed before kissing his cheek. 

“You look gorgeous.”

Happy had a smug look on his face like he knew something I didn’t. I just smiled and kissed him again. 

“Well then please Mr. Hogan, lead the way to the bar.” I wrapped my arm through his. 

Champagne flute in hand, I raised my glass to Happy before taking a sip. The bubble tickled my nose and I couldn’t control the face I made. 

“This her Hap?” 

I turned to the person trying to engage him in conversation. It was Tony Stark. THE Tony Stark. 

“Yes,” Happy gave me an exasperated look, “Lucky, this is my friend and boss, Tony Stark.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you Cruel Overlord.” I gave a joke curtsey, “I didn’t realize Happy still worked for Stark Industries.” 

“Oh he doesn’t, he works for me as a part of the Avengers’ Initiative.”

“Hmm,” I raised my eyebrow to Happy, while taking another sip. What a secret to be keeping.

“Anyway, everyone wants to meet you. Happy has kept you hidden away long enough.” Tony waves his hands about, whiskey spilling from his glass. 

“Happy understands my desire for privacy.” I smiled and wrapped my arm through his again. 

“What do-” 

“NAT, IT’S HER. IT’S EVETTE HUNTINGTON. SHE’S HERE,” A blond man shouted from overhead somewhere.

Suddenly the man dropped down from the ceiling and an extremely stylish redhead was standing next to him. They completely cut off Tony from the conversation. 

“Ms. Huntington, it is a pleasure to meet you. I heard a rumor that you were here, and I am so glad it is true.” She cooed. “Your latest book…” Her gaze followed my hand connected to Happy. 

She turned and gripped Happy by his lapel. 

“Hogan! You didn’t say you were dating fucking Evette Huntington,” She shook him slightly. 

“Please do not damage my partner, Miss,” I tried to get her attention. Happy clearly found her scary. 

“Don’t mind them, they have a weird relationship. My name is Clint Barton. Nat and I love your books. My kids do as well.” The blond man stuck out his hand and I gave it a firm shake. 

“Oh that’s really nice, I didn’t realize my work had such a reach.”

“You know who you need to meet. Steve and Loki, they also really love them. I’ll go find them.”

“Steve and Loki?” I blinked at him, but he was off running through the crowd.

“Why do I recognize your name Lucky?” Tony tapped the side of his glasses.

“It’s just a pen name, Mr. Stark, nothing more.” But he ignored me as lights flashed across the lenses. 

“Ah, you’re that award-winning YA author. You just made a day one sales record with your new book. It was all over the news.” He grinned.

“Records are broken every day. What I do doesn’t even compare what the Avengers do.”

“What are you talking about Ms. Huntington? Your books have inspired a generation of people!” Nat released Happy and grabbed my shoulders cause my champagne to spill out of the flute a bit. 

“I’ve never seen Nat so... animated.” Happy muttered to Tony.

“You can just call me Lucky, Nat. Huntington is just my pen name.” I tried to shrug off her grip.

“Yes, I’ve listened to your podcast interviews. You are a very private person. The glasses really do make you look like a different person.” 

“Mhmm,” I nodded, hoping she would get that the situation was making me uncomfortable.

Behind her, Captain American, Loki, Thor, and Dr. Bruce Banner are walking towards us. I’m felt more than a bit star-struck in that moment. My hand fumbled around until it connected with Happy’s.

“Nat, you can let her go,” Happy used his serious voice. The voice I’ve seen him use only one other time when I had a similar issue with a fangirl. It made me feel guilty then and it still does now. 

The moment I was free from Nat, the blond Asgardian lifts me up in a hug. 

“Please let me down,” I squeaked.

“It is an honor to meet you Lady Huntington,” The God of Mischief inclined his head.

“Thor, we talked about this. Put down Lucky,” Happy went into full bodyguard mode. His posture changed and his jovial tone was gone. 

“Hogan, are you saying that you have been dating one the greatest storytellers of the generation and you haven’t introduced us?” Loki asked.

“Yes, for this exact reason. You people are worse than teenage girls.” He scowled at them.

“I haven’t said a single thing Happy, don’t look at me like that.” Steve crossed his arms.

“I can see it in your eyes, Rogers.” Happy pointed a finger at his chest. 

When Thor had finally set me back down, I smoothed out the front of my dress. I wasn’t prepared to meet the Avengers tonight, but I’m more surprised at their enthusiasm to meet me. I set my glass down at the bar.

“Happy,” I pulled him back by his right shoulder and grabbed his hand. “It is fine, thank you. Everyone is just a bit surprised I’m sure.”

He stopped scowling, but his posture remained stiff.

“It’s nice to finally meet Happy’s work friends. You can just call me Lucky.” I smiled and tried to look calm. 

“I can’t believe he was keeping you from us.” Nat sounded more relaxed. “I thought for sure it wasn’t you at the bistro that night. It seemed too insane.”

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

“Oh the night of your second date, I hacked Happy’s calendar for the reservation details, and we as a team followed you all the way home,” Tony explained with a sip of his whiskey.

“Don’t worry about it, Happy snitched to Pepper and we all got an earful. Apparently, it’s illegal.”

My grip on Happy’s hand tightened and I just squeaked a response. Over the sound system, a woman’s voice began a welcome speech and called the Avengers up to the center stage. This woman was a godsend. All of them, except Loki, turned away from us and headed towards the speaker. 

“Can I get a selfie with you please? Barnes is going to be so pissed off he is on a mission right now.” Loki materialized a smartphone. The green wafts of smoke were still surrounding it when he turned to the camera to us. I pulled Happy’s arm around my shoulder and threw up a peace sign. Loki had a shit-eating grin on his face and Happy looked unamused. 

“Excellent, truly perfect.” He sniggered.

“Uh, it’s no problem, Mr. Loki, I’m still in shock so many people like my books.” I gave him a sheepish smile and continued to hold Happy to my side. He was my anchor. 

“I may be the god of lies, but I would never lie about works as marvelous as yours. I must know though, who inspired your villain? They are quite dynamic and very easy to sympathize with.”

I cleared my throat and gave a nervous laugh, “They were inspired by Captain America.”

Loki’s jaw dropped open. Whatever he was expecting it wasn’t that. Maybe he was hoping the villain was inspired by him. Before he could ask another question, the phone he was still holding started to go off. 

“Oh, it’s Barnes, excellent. Let’s video chat shall we.” Loki’s wicked grin gave me no choice in the matter.

“Are they always like this?” I whispered to Happy.

“I’ve never seen them all act like this before. You’ve clearly got a fan club at the tower,” he smirked. 

“Just what every writer wants, trained spies and assassins with high expectations as fangirls,” I rolled my eyes. 

“Look you one-armed maniac, she is standing right next to Happy.” Loki wrapped his arm around my waist and pressed his face to mine. “This isn’t magic.”

“Um, hello Mr. Barnes,” I smiled and nodded. The man on the screen was a bit pixelated and moving quickly in a dark room. 

“Holy shit it is you,” He whispered, head quickly moving from his phone to his surrounding. “Loki, force her to sign my collection.”

“No, I’m forcing her to sign mine. It’s your fault for being on a mission.” 

“A mission you are supposed to be having radio silence on, Barnes,” Happy leaned into the shot.

“Happy, it’s fine. This was clearly an emergency. So doll, how did you get invited to this shindig?” There is the sound of rapid gunfire and shouting in a language I didn’t know. 

“Happy invited me so I could finally be introduced to his work friends.” I stared at the wildly moving object on the screen. 

“YOU’RE LUCKY?” He shouted over the gunfire.

“I know Barnes, the gossip is so juicy.” Loki giggled, “Well have fun not dying, byyyeeeee.”

The moment the call ended he untangled himself and turned back to us. 

“Well, if Natasha doesn’t kidnap before the end of the night, I’m sure I will see you upstairs later,” He winked and then vanished. 

“Christ, Hap, I need so many drinks. Do you mind if we just sit for a bit?” I turned my face to his.

“Don’t worry about it, baby, I don’t have to actually to work tonight. Let’s get shit faced.” 

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

I woke up on top of Happy, naked, and with a raging hangover. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me to be honest. I was a horny drunk. We were in a bedroom I didn’t recognize. I rolled off of him and fumbled for my glasses. Next, I found my panties and his shirt. Like hell, if I was putting that dress back on right now. My blood was thumping in my head and screaming COFFEE, COFFEE, COFFEE. 

This wasn’t a hotel room, I noted, looking around for a nice coffee machine, and find nothing. My half firing brain decided it was safe to just wander out of the room. As quietly as possible I drug myself down a hall with light streaming through what I assumed are windows. 

There was a massive sleek white kitchen here. 

“Where are the fucking mugs?” I began to rummage in drawers and cabinets. 

“Mugs are in the cabinet to your left Miss Lucky,” A British voice provided from nowhere.

“Is that you God?” I asked, still focussed on coffee, “Where is the coffee machine?”

“I am J.A.R.V.I.S, Miss Lucky, and don’t worry, I will turn on the machine for you.”

“Thanks my dude,” I grumbled and rolled to lean my face against the fridge.

The smell of coffee filled the room. I didn’t think any more about the weird sky god. 

“So you are still here,” Nat grabbed a mug for the cabinet.

“Here?” I asked.

“You stayed in Happy’s guest room last night, you are still in the tower, Lucky.” She sounded pleased by that. I hadn’t looked at her yet. Too concerned with keeping out the bright morning sunlight.

“Fuck, I can’t really remember what happened last night,” I groaned.

“I would say it was on par with any other Stark party.”

The coffee machine beeped its completion and I held out my mug to Nat. I got a bit needy when I was this hungover. 

“Are you sober enough to hold a pen now Lucky?” Loki arrived with two box set editions of my series. 

“I’ve got the shakes Loki, the only thing that cures my hangover shakes are Happy brand Cubanos. So until then, I will sign nothing,” I demonstrate by holding out my non mugged hand.

“You humans are so weak,” he moaned.

I threw myself into a barstool and pressed my forehead into the cool marble. I could hear more people gathering in the kitchen. I stopped trying to keep up with the conversation. I was too hungover for that. There was another dinging sound and thumping of heavy boots. A warm and cool arm were suddenly wrapped around my queasy tummy. 

“Please don’t squeeze me, I’ll vomit,” I moaned. 

“Sorry, just got excited. Had to prove you weren’t magic. Loki’s shit is too real sometimes.”

“Bucky I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow?” I heard Natasha ask.  

“What can I say? With the right motivation, anything is possible.”

“You are the video call guy,” I lifted my head into my hands to try and look at him.

“It’s nice to meet you Lucky,” He gave me a tired grin. 

“When I am more alive, I will return your hug,” I mumbled.

I took slow, careful sips of my coffee. The liquid settled my stomach some, but what I really need was my hangover sandwich. It was almost tempting to wake Happy up, but I knew if I felt like shit, he probably did too. The Avengers assembled around the kitchen and adjoined living room space. It seemed we were all waiting on Happy now. 

There was shuffling coming from the hall. Happy was finally awake. He meandered towards the smell of coffee, eyes still mostly closed. He was wearing his undershirt and underwear. The sight brought a smile to my face. My eyes suddenly began to focus on the line of dark circles on his neck as he walked up to me. 

“Mornin’ babe,” he placed a kiss on my head and went straight for the fridge. Happy knew the drill by now. It was sandwich time. I didn’t even know if they had all the things required to make Cubanos here. 

I, along with the rest of the assembled group, watched Happy cook breakfast on autopilot. I saw the way they also eyed his neck and then smirked at me. Another fun side of drunk me, was how possessive I got towards Happy. It was horribly awkward during our second month of dating when we’d gone out drinking and I finally let loose with him. I have hazy memories of slapping a woman at a bar, Happy carrying me out over his shoulder, and then me straddling him in the taxi home, covering his neck in hickeys. I can’t remember what happened after that. Happy said he took me home and put me to bed, both of us too drunk and exhausted by that point to do anything but sleep. That was also the first morning he made me the perfect hangover cure. 

I ran my fingers over my face, trying to remember what I did the night before. A steaming hot sandwich was slid in front of me, pickles on the side, just how I liked it. I reached across the island and stroked his stubbled face. I loved his salt and pepper facial hair. 

“Thank you,” I hummed and picked up the hot sandwich to take my first bite. 

“I smell Happy’s Hangover Cure,” Tony announced himself. 

On cue, I moaned at the first bite. God these were fucking best thing ever. Everyone looked at me, but I didn’t care. 

“Yeah, yeah, Tony, unsurprisingly there were enough ingredients for me to make everyone a sandwich. You’ll have to wait your turn.”

I threw my head back and slammed my left hand down on the table. There was a distinct metal clank. I looked down at my hand through hooded eyes. 

“Why the fuck am I wearing a ring?” I garbled out around a bite of food.

“Oh, yeah, Capsicle got shit faced on Asgardian mead and married you to Happy. Then Loki told him about how he is the villain in your books or whatever and he tried to annul the marriage. You then tried to start a fight with him, which was hilarious by the way. Happy had to promise to consummate the marriage with you to calm you down, which based on the state of his purple fucking neck you did.” Tony lets out a low laugh and threw his arms around you.

“Welcome to the family kid.” 

[excitedlysuffering]

OMGOMGOMG possibly Kakashi head-cannon collection? He is the love of my life (lmao don’t tell my bf that)

Your secrets safe with me he’s my love too😂

Kakashi Headcanons Collection

What He Looks For In A S/O~

• A reader, they don’t have to read Icha Icha (bonus points if you did) but someone who appreciates a good book

• Someone laid back and not very high maintenance

• I see him wanting a shinobi S/O cause he needs them to be to take care of themselves or he’ll worry too much

• he’ll worry anyways

• Someone who understands his pain and won’t shy away from him when he’s going through a rough patch

• Someone who is good with words, like say something sweet and he’s metlinggg

• A person with considerate personality traits

• He would like an S/O who’s willing to try new things and adventures

• Someone who would take things slowly

• Someone who could honestly make him laugh

• He’s DadKashi he’s going to want someone good with kids

• To be frank, he would probably want a relatively stable S/O so that in his mind there’s no chance of them ending up like his father

• He wants companionship so someone who’s not distant and who wouldn’t mind him being around all the time

• I really can’t see him with a tsundere S/O, he needs to see that his partner loves him as much as he loves them

Relationship With Kashi Stuff~

• Please do domestic stuff (Sending him off to work with a kiss, a note in his lunchbox, kissing him when he gets home) he will be near tears every time

• TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK™ (whether it’s kicking butt, making dinner, or teaching (raising) Team 7)

• You probably won’t notice moving in with each other until you look up like ‘holy crap I haven’t been to my apartment in like 2 weeks?’

• Read with him or read to him, and you will have his HEART

• He’s not clingy per se, but he loves to be in your presence whenever he can

• Will take you out on dates once a week EVERY WEEK (Sorry Tsunade-sama, I have a date then, but I’ll leave right after?)

• Dating Kakashi means you’re now honorary rivals with Gai (who knows Kashi better, who can make him laugh most etc.)

• Pick up line wars 24/7, the loser has to do the other’s chores Kakashi wins

• Okay, but Kakashi never had a childhood, so make a list of everything he never got to do and you slowly complete them together

• He’s such a sweetheart like, surprise, he’s so sensitive

• Get’s so flustered seeing you in his clothes, he temporarily shuts down

• He’s given up trying to take back his mask whenever you’re wearing it

• Okay, we all know this silver-haired hottie is suave, but he is SMOOTH, he will 100% find ways to have you blush whenever possible, he is the CEO of leaving you hot and bothered

• Made you your own area in the Hokage office as a hint that he needed your company

• Has never forgotten an important date (he uses his Sharingan on the calendar)

• He’s fought demons and other crazy villains, but will still be terrified of you on your period (he’s brave tho he’ll just bring a lot of peace offerings)

• He heard you refer to him as DadKashi in front of Team 7 and/or your friends and just about loses his mind

• When you first see his face without his mask you’re probably pissed cuz WHY would he hide that beauty from the world?! it’s for the greater good hun

How To Lose/Annoy Him~

• Being insensitive/ignorant about things like loss or mental illness

• Constantly distracting him from his duties or hobbies

• Being rude or uncompassionate

• Being willing to abandon people or being self-centered you SCUM

• He always makes time for you, so he’d be a bit bothered if they didn’t put forth any effort to spend time with him

• Little pranks are harmless, but things that make him scared for your wellbeing or stealing his mask are big fat NO

• Being reckless just because, being a shinobi is already dangerous with would you play with death like that??

• Being lazy, Kakashi at his core is really something of a go-go-go person, he doesn’t want to just do anything all the time

Soft Kakashi Things~

• Kakashi is such a softie omg

• He likes to fall asleep last just so he can tell you how much he loves you and you saved him while you’re asleep

• If you’re having a bad day, he’ll drop everything (if possible) to hold you and be there for you in every way you need

• Definitely has Sai draw a small pic of you so he can carry it around and/or put in the Hokage office

• Mission dates are a thing like imagine flirting with Kakashi while destroying your opponents (so romantic)

• He’s big on practical gifts. If he notices you’re running low on shuriken? Expect a box of them from him

• He’ll read a particular *wild* Icha Icha quote to you just to make you flustered (bonus points for him if you’re in public)

• His students question you all the time like how did you end up with their lonely, pervy sensei?

• Will sweep you off your feet for no reason other than he likes to hold you and carry you

Random Kashi Facts~

• Kakashi’s love language is words of affirmation like he craves hearing that you love him and the like

• He hums and sings around the house or whenever he’s bored or preoccupied

• After having eating fish out of necessity day after day he prefers not eating it if possible

• He will often fall asleep a good while after he actually lays down because he enjoys debriefing himself of everything that happened during the day

• Actually sleeps really deep when he’s next to you, otherwise, the smallest sound can wake him up

• He likes to put notes or letters from you in his Icha Icha books so he can read them whenever and no one will peak cuz ew, Icha Icha

• In all honesty, Gai is a common factor in why he’s so late everywhere, but it’s mostly him walking around and taking in the sights like a nostalgic old man

• In the episode where Sakura and Naruto transformed into kids and called Kashi and old man, giving him an identity crisis is actually common. His hair color and the fact that you can’t see his face make some kids think he’s old

• Sometimes when he can’t sleep he’ll find a random tree and fall asleep in it (he’s a strange one)

• He lost his newest Icha Icha book when he was Hokage and very nearly (thanks to Shikamaru) called a citywide search party

Little Things~

Favorite:

• Place to kiss- Your temple, it feels really intimate to him and he’s so tall it’s an easy place for him

• Way to hug- Kakashi loves those giant bear hugs where he just envelopes you like you’re basically one with him now

•’Thing to do with you- He really loves reading with you, whether it’s the same book, or you’re just both sitting next to each other reading

• Type of date- Although your most common date is a mission date (lol), his favorite is being able to take you to a nice restaurant and then on a walk around the city

This or That:

• He’s a winter person actually, he loves being cuddled up with you and blankets, and the abundance of hot drinks

• He’s a morning person because he’s been waking up early since he was a child, and doesn’t really know how to enjoy sleeping anymore (but if that wasn’t the case he’d be a night owl)

• Loves both cooking for you and being cooked for he puts Bobby Flay to shame honestly

• He spends all his time reading obviously and if his S/O is a writer or he’ll be soooo excited and will read everything they put out

Conflict Happenings~

• He knows disagreements are a normal part of relationships (in moderation of course) so if there was a real problem, he wouldn’t shy away from it

• He won’t raise his voice or take a tone with you, he doesn’t feel the need to, but he will definitely get his point across

• To his fault, he might throw in a slight or cutting remark here and there but he will regret it the second your expression changes

• He’s a real go with the flow kind of guy so if he realizes that something is his fault, he will correct it ASAP

• If he notices you’re getting really worked up, he’ll just hug you until you calm down and can speak coherently but at that point it’s like ‘what was I mad about??’

• If his S/O is headstrong it’ll probably bring that side out in him, even if temporarily

• If it’s a minor disagreement he’ll probably say something funny to diffuse the situation

• He would rather die than argue in public, to him it’s a private thing and he hates causing a scene

Modern Kashi~

• I can see him as more of a club/extracurricular activities leader than a teacher

• He’s really close to those kids in his group and probably sheds a few proud DadKashi tears at their graduation

• That one fine teacher that all the students are thirsting over

• If not a teacher he’d probably be an elite CIA agent or a higher ranking FBI officer

• He has so many dogs like he sees a stray and how could he possibly give them up??

• He’d probably walk around Playboy Magazines just cause he can

• At one point he dyed his hair black cause he thought it’d look more ‘normal’ but he HATED it

• He likes plants but he’s so bad at taking care of them?? He can remember all of his dogs’ names and their food preferences but can’t remember to water a plant

• His house is so clean he’s been doing all his household chores since he was a child

• He definitely met Gai in elementary school and they never parted, even going on to become college roommates never again

• Gai probably barges in Kakashi’s classroom so often he’s most likely considered the co-leader/teacher

• Kakashi has definitely gotten drunk on school nights before but he’s such an in-control drunk no one ever noticed

• Kakashi was my first Naruto love and my first husband. BACK OFF

Masterlist

[lavendersblued1llyd1lly]

Wet Fries and Hot Guys

Sam Winchester x F!Reader 

Word Count: 721

Hey guys! Thank you for all the notes on yesterday’s post! It was way more than I had hoped for! I hope you like my first Sam x reader fic, please enjoy my third one shot! 

------------------------------------

You were sitting in the diner, working on the last of your shake and fries, extremely tired from the vampire nest you had just taken out. When the bell above the door rang and two tall, good looking men walked in. You automatically knew they were hunters and it only took a couple seconds more to realize they were the Winchester brothers. 

 “No Sam, I refuse to eat that fake bacon crap!” The shorter one, whom you guessed was Dean, threw his hands up. 

The other one, Sam, sighed. “It’s not crap Dean, and it doesn’t taste that bad.” They both slid into a booth across from each other, and continued their bickering. 

You smiled, amused. They ordered and when their food came, they dug in and finished eating in record time. Finishing the shake, you stood and cleaned up your mess. Walking their way, you tossed the cup and burger wrapper into the trash while holding the rest of your fries. 

“I guess someone else is in town.” Dean was saying as you walked up. 

“Or it could be a rival nest.” Sam answered.

You stood next to their table and cleared your throat. They both looked up at you. At the same time you noticed. “It’s so weird how in sync they are.” You thought.

Dean smirked, “Well hello, what can I do for you?” He said in a deep voice. Sam rolled his eyes at his brother’s obvious attempt at flirting. 

“I was wondering if I could have a seat?” You winked and smiled at Sam, not looking at Dean. 

Sam grinned, liking the way you were obviously picking on his brother. “Sure, is there something we can help you with?” He scooted over in the booth, you slid in next to him. 

“Nope, just wanted to meet the infamous Winchesters.” You closed your eyes and waited for the holy water, and they did not disappoint. Calmly, you picked up a napkin and wiped the water off your face Dean had just thrown at you. “No, I’m not a demon, I’m a hunter. And now my fries are wet.” 

They still looked suspicious, “How did you know who we are?” Sam asked. 

“Because I’m y/n y/l/n, and I know my stuff.” You leaned an elbow on the table and set your chin in the palm of your hand. 

Their eyes widened, “You’re the y/n y/l/n?!” They said, at the same time. 

“Again,” You thought, “In sync.” 

Dean started to fangirl, “You're like the best in the business!” He leaned forward excitedly, “Is it true that you took out a nest of 12 vamps with a shot arm and only a hammer as a weapon? 

You laughed, you could admit that you liked the attention. “I guess you’ll have to find out.” You turned to look back at Sam, “You guys in town for the vamp issue?” 

He nodded, “I guess that was you who took them out?” 

“Yeah, I just got back. We must have passed each other on the road.” You replied. 

“What are up to these days? Are you hunting with anyone or going solo right now?” Sam asked, hoping you were currently looking for a hunting partner.

“Actually I’m solo right now, trying to find someone to hunt with.” You shrugged “It’s no fun not having back up.” 

“You could hunt with us!” Dean blurted out, not able to stay silent any longer. He was excited about the idea of hunting with someone who was basically a celebrity in the hunting world. 

You pretended to think about it, “Well…” 

“Come on,” Sam leaned forward, looking into your eyes. “We can try it out for a while, we could use some more company than each other. We would love for you to come.” He gave you the most convincing puppy dog eyes you had ever seen in your life.”

Dean grinned, “We even have an awesome home base!” 

You had heard of their impressive “bunker”. 

They waited for your answer with baited breath. Both wanting you to come for different reasons. Dean, because he wanted to see you in action. Sam, because he liked the way your eyes sparkled and wanted to know you better. 

Smiling, you looked between the two of them and asked. “When do we leave?”

[iceslushii]

So, I'm writing this to document what I can only assume is my sudden descent into insanity. I can't possibly be THAT bad a navigator, and yet as I write this I've been trapped in Ikea for 2 days. I haven't seen another person in the entire time I've been here. I thought it was a prank at first. Turn the place into a maze, get all the people out and see how long it takes me to get lost, then everyone has a good old laugh. Realised that wasn't the case when I tried to backtrack. Everything had changed, so I ended up lost. Instead of the exit, it was just row after row of bookcases.

So, I'm trapped in Ikea. Sounds like the setup for a bad joke. The lights went out at 10pm. Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack, that loud electrical THUNK sound and then pitch blackness. Place is full of beds though and my phone has a torch on it - but no damn signal - so I found a bed and went to sleep. Spent most of the next day trying to find my way out with no luck. Did find a restaurant serving those meatballs though, so at least I won't starve. That's probably the punchline to that joke. Anyway they were still warm and fresh, but I haven't seen anyone around who could have cooked them. Made my way back to the beds before the lights cut out again since it's too dark to search with them off.

It's 9.10am now, the lights came back on a little while ago. I'm sure I've searched the entire area around where I came in now and the exit obviously isn't here, so I'm going to pick a direction and hope for the best.

Day 3 of my magical Ikea mystery adventure. If I wasn't sure that there was something seriously weird about this place before, I am now. Walked for 3 hours in a more or less straight line (insert Ikea joke here) before I came across a ladder next to one of those huge stock shelves they have here. Climbed up to get my bearings, and it looks like this place just stretches on forever. Like that scene from the Lion King, except instead of trees and grass it was all shelves and tables and crap. I did see a person moving not too far away though, so I headed over.

Thought it was a staff member at first - it was wearing the uniform. And hell maybe it was, maybe freakish 7ft tall monsters with long arms, short legs and no faces are just the kinds of thing they want working at Super Ikea. Damn thing completely ignored me though, and with no eyes or ears I can't even be sure it knew I was there. Thought about shoving it or something to get its attention, but its hands were big enough to crush a water melon so I decided against it. It just kept moving along and eventually I lost sight of it so I decided to carry on the way I was going.

Anyway, no comfy bed for me tonight. Looks like I've entered the Improbably Hard and Pointy Table section of the store. Guess I'll have to make do with some bunched up tablecloths. Phone battery died during the day too. Didn't work anyway, but I feel like I've just lost some vital lifeline.

You ever see one of those cartoons where they're going through doors in a hallway and they just pop out of another door in the same hallway? That's how I feel right now. I've seen nothing but the same identical bookshelf for 2 days now. Just row after row after row of them. I mean, come on. I love books as much as the next guy, but this is excessive. I'm obviously still moving forwards though, I can see the signs hanging overhead passing by. Too bad none of them say "Exit".

Not sure who I was addressing that question to. Lets just say it was practice for the autobiography I'm going to write when I get out of here. I'll call it "My perfectly normal trip to a regular old Ikea".

If I ever get out o

Finally found some other people! Yeah, turns out I'm not the only poor bastard trapped in here. Lucky for me, I guess. My 6th night here, 2 of those staff things came at me in the dark. Different from the first one I saw, but still messed up. Heard them coming, they were saying that the store was closed and I had to leave the building, all nice and polite like. I'm not sure which part of that was weirder, that they don't have mouths or that they were apparently trying to kill me while they were saying it. Came at me like rabid dogs.

So, I legged it. Sprinting through ikea in the dark like a fucking madman. I saw it when I cleared another stand of those giant stock shelves, all lit up with torches and floodlights. They've built a whole town in here! Got a massive wall built out of shelves and beds and tables and whatever else. I swear to god it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Anyway I guess they saw me coming (or maybe they heard my girlish manly bellows of fear), because they had a gate open and 2 people were there waving me in. Heard the staff things slam into the gate behind me after it closed, still politely informing us all that the store was now closed. They wandered off eventually though.

They call the town Exchange, because that's whats on the sign hanging from the ceiling directly above it. Exchange and Returns. All lit up against the night using lights they've found and plugged into the power lines. And there are beds and food and people. Over 50 wonderful people with regular sized limbs and a full set of facial features. It's now my 7th night here, and the first one not spent in darkness. A full week living in Ikea. There's probably a TV show in that somewhere.

Now that I'm around other people, I'm starting to feel more normal. Maybe normal isn't the word. But after a week with only the sound of my own footsteps for company, I was becoming increasingly sure that I'd just gone nuts. That I was tied up in some padded room somewhere, banging my head against the wall. But no, I feel quite sane now, thank you very much!

Apparently there are other towns out there. Some with more people, some with less. I found that fairly mind-boggling - how can that many people go missing with no one noticing. Surely someone would have noticed that everyone who goes to ikea seems to fucking vanish. Or maybe it's not everyone. Maybe we're just the lucky ones.

The people here just call those staff monster things the Staff. Apparently they are fine during the day, minding their own business walking the aisles. As soon as those lights go out though, they go fucking bonkers. So during the day people go out to find food, water and whatever else they need. Apparently there are restaurants and shops around that randomly get restocked. No one knows how. Maybe the staff do it. Apparently they aren't very good at their jobs though because the restocking sometimes takes a while, which means the food needs to be rationed. Maybe if they weren't so busy chasing people around in the dark they'd get more done.

Anyway when night comes the staff go nuts and everyone holds up inside the walls. Apparently it's the same everywhere in this place, whatever this place is. The Ur-Ikea, from whence all other Ikeas sprang. Or maybe we're all still just in the regular ikea and this is all some fever dream brought on by mind-numbing boredom. Who knows.

Been here for 10 days now. Most of the people I asked said they stopped keeping track a long time ago and one guy, Chris, said he'd been in here for years.

Years.

[ILLEGIBLE SCRIBBLES]

Apparently there are rumours of people who do manage to get out. And of people who see the exit, only to have it vanish before their very eyes. I get the feeling not everyone believes that, but I do. Explains how we got stuck in here in the first place (sort of). And I mean, come on. Staff monsters, row after endless row of high quality Swedish furniture. I don't know why they would find a disappearing door so hard to believe in.

Anyway, I went out scavenging for food at a nearby shop with Sandra and Jerry today. Once you learn the landmarks of this place it's not so hard to navigate. The overhead signs help a lot, but there are others; not too far in the distance a huge section of those giant stock shelves has collapsed against each other and way off in the east (we all assume it's east anyway - apparently Ikea doesn't sell compasses) is some kind of tower that looks like its made of wood, reaches all the way to the ceiling. Maybe they were trying to break out through the roof. Lights up at night so there must be people there, but its apparently a few days walk (which means it must be miles away) so no one here really knows for sure. Apparently I got incredibly lucky sleeping out in the open for a week without getting ripped to bits by the staff. That's me. Lucky lucky lucky.

We found some food in the shop. Guess the staff restocked it during the night, which was nice of them. There was a telephone on the wall, so I figured I'd try it out. There was a voice on the other end, but they were just talking nonsense. Random words strung together with no real meaning. You ever see a video of someone with aphasia? Kind of sounded like that. Didn't answer me when I spoke to them anyway. Sandra says all the phones in here are the same.

Oops, asking the journal questions again!

I was thinking last night. The ceiling on this place is pretty high and as far as anyone can tell it goes on forever. Shouldn't there be some kind of weather in here? I'm sure I read about some NASA building that was so big it had its own weather patterns, with clouds and stuff. This place is definitely bigger than that, but now that I think about it I'm pretty sure I've never felt so much as a temperature change in here.

I'll add it to the Grand List of Weird Bullshit.

The staff attacked the Exchange last night. Must have been 20 or 30 of them all just asking us to leave the store calm as you like, while trying to smash the walls down with their bare hands. Apparently this happens pretty regularly, so everyone is prepared for it. Knives from the restaurants, lawn mower blades made into hatchets, a fire axe. One guy, Wasim, even made a functional crossbow. Anyway the walls have holes in them, which I hadn't noticed before, specifically so we can stab out at the staff when they attack. Took a couple of them down myself. They don't seem to bleed, which is weird, but they go down as easy as a regular person once you start sticking holes in them.

We had to haul the bodies away in the morning. Apparently the dead ones will attract more during the night, so we had to get them away from Exchange. We have a couple of those trolley things they use to move big boxes around, so we loaded them up and took them over to Pickup. Apparently people just name everything in here after whatever sign is hanging overhead.

Pickup was grisly. There were hundreds, maybe thousands of dead staff all piled up. There was no smell, which was a blessing. Apparently in addition to not bleeding, these things don't rot either. My curiosity got the better of me while we were unloading them, so I took a look at one of the more cut-up ones. They're just skin, or something that looks like skin, all the way through. No muscle, no bone, no organs. Are they even really alive in the first place? They certainly seem like they have bones when they are moving around, pounding on the walls. And I'm sure I felt more resistance than just skin when the knife went in during the night. Maybe something happens to them when they die. Just one more thing on the ever-increasing list of Weird Shit that goes on in here, I guess.

Something occurred to me, after the staff attack the other night. Every time you see a situation like this on TV or in a film, like its the end of the world or everyone is trapped on an island or whatever, once groups like ours start to form people always seem to turn on each other. Fighting for food or dominance or whatever else. That hasn't happened here. Apparently people from other towns come by from time to time, just to check in or occasionally to trade if they are short on something. But everything is always cordial. Friendly, even. Maybe its the threat of the staff, or perhaps the constant restocking of supplies in the shops means there's nothing much to fight over.

Maybe people are just better than they are generally given credit for. That's a nice thought. I think I'll go with that one.

A dozen people showed up at the gates this afternoon from a town called Trolleys. Apparently the staff broke through the walls and tore the town apart during the night. These 12 are the only survivors out of over a hundred. We let them in, obviously. One more point in the human decency column. Later, I asked if anyone knew how many of these towns there were out there. Between us and the new folks, we managed to come up with over 20 names. 20 towns filled with people, and who knows how many beyond that.

The motto for this place should be "How Is That Even Possible". Surely someone, somewhere must be looking for the thousands of people that must be in here.

I've been here for a little over 2 months now. Not that much changes, as it turns out. A couple of new people showed up, same story as the rest of us. Nice little trip to Ikea and suddenly they're trapped in Billy Bookcase's House of Faceless Weirdos. The staff attack the Exchange once or twice a week. We kill them and haul their bodies off, sometimes they hurt some of us first. They killed a guy called Jared a couple of weeks back. It was awful, frankly. Turns out regular humans still bleed in here, even if the staff don't. We tried our best, but none of us are doctors.

Jared was a good guy. He deserved better. We all do.

It occurred to me a couple of days after that, none of us were really looking for a way out of here. I don't even know where we'd start.

One of those quad copter things with a camera attached buzzed passed Exchange today. I thought it meant that someone was finally looking for us, that help was on the way. Apparently it's not the first time this has happened, though. Same thing happened a few months ago, and everyone is still here.

No idea if it saw us, it didn't stop if it did. Just kept flying until we could no longer see it.

Note: Based on recovery time of the journal, this entry appears to line up approximately with our first successful test piloting a drone inside SCP-3008-1. Analysis of footage shows a walled settlement under a sign labelled "Exchange and Returns". Attempts to relocate the settlement failed. Origin of previously sighted drones is unknown.

I started talking to people about the stuff they miss from home during dinner today. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, everyone seemed pretty down after. A bunch of people here have families. Husbands and wives, kids. Dogs. Franklin apparently has a pet llama, though I'm not sure I buy that.

But apparently some of the people here have some seriously odd gaps in their knowledge. 3 of them had never heard of the International Space Station, 2 of them seemed to think █████ ███████ was the Prime Minister, and one of them had apparently never heard of the Statue of Liberty. I believe them, too. They seemed just as confused as the rest of us.

The more I thought about it though, the more it started to explain a few things. What if the reason no one is looking for all us missing people is because we haven't all come from the same place. This is going to sound weird (maybe that should be the motto for this place) but what if all the people here have come from different dimensions? Realities? Whatever you call it. I've seen enough TV shows to know the drill. Sarah comes from a place where there is no Statue of Liberty. They didn't launch a space station where Wasim is from. If everyone here came from different places, even from ones that seem identical, there'd be no huge missing persons panic. No mass search. We'd just be a blip, a single missing person in a world of non-stop news.

Well. That was a fun train of thought.

Just realised that yesterday was the six month anniversary of my arrival here. I wonder if Ikea sells party hats. The routine around here has remained more or less the same. More new folk show up, one every couple of weeks or so. Food supplies go up and down, but we've never actually had a major shortage. Occasionally we get a visitor from one of the nearby towns, usually Checkouts or Aisle 630. We check in with each other from time to time, occasionally trade supplies if someone gets particularly low on something. It's comforting, in a way. A reminder that we aren't alone in here, some small glimmer of civilisation. Sometimes they bring medical supplies. Apparently there's a pharmacy a few towns down from Checkouts that gets restocked every now and then, so they share out what they can. I've never heard of an Ikea with a pharmacy before but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if someone stumbled on an Ikea Organ Harvesting Lab. Would certainly explain the staff.

Speaking of our faceless jailers, their attacks have been getting worse lately. 3 or 4 times a week now, with twice as many staff as there used to be. No idea where they all come from, or why the attacks have increased. We tried following one of them during the day a few weeks ago, me and Sarah. Wanted to see if they lead back to a staff room or something. Didn't seem to go anywhere though, just randomly walked through the aisles. We had to turn back before we found anything.

We've been reinforcing the walls, trying to arm ourselves better. Certainly no lack of materials to use. Wasim has been making more crossbows, but it's pretty slow going.

Too bad Ikea doesn't sell guns.

Note: No new personnel have entered SCP-3008 at Site-██ in the time span indicated in this entry.

The attacks are getting bad now. Almost every night, and with so many staff that the bodies almost pile high enough for others to climb the walls. I think we're in real trouble here.

Exchange is

I think Exchange is done. We got hit pretty bad last night. Not many casualties, but the wall is wrecked. We finally figured out why the attacks had been escalating, too. A box of supplies had a chunk of one of the staff in there. No idea how it happened but apparently a piece of one will draw them as well as a full body. Too late now in any case, there's too many bodies for us to haul away and still have time to fix the wall before night. Candace has called a meeting. I suspect there will be talk of abandoning Exchange, maybe try and get shelter at Checkouts or something.

It's already getting late though. I don't think we'll have time to make it. Maybe some of us will. I was fine for that first week out in the dark, after all. But then, how often can I keep getting lucky.

I'm only writing this for a sense of closure, I guess. For me, or for anyone who finds this. If this is the final entry here, I hope whoever is reading this is doing so from outside of this place.

My biggest fear? If I do die tonight, I'll just wake up here again in the morning.

Note: This is the last entry. It is assumed that while attempting to reach the "Checkouts" settlement he was separated from the rest of his group by a pursuing SCP-3008-2 instance and happened upon the exit.

We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it Inside we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it And if you ask me how I'm feeling Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it Inside we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye

[fascinatedhelix]

Some updates to the HK/NSR crossover AU, since the original was made pre-release (the following does contain spoilers!):

Ghost

Ran away from the Trankil Adoption Agency due to finding most humans too restrictive on their freedom; they’re accustomed to being able to come and go as they please, and the agency doesn’t really approve of trankil running around unattended. BBJ are more relaxed about it, leading to the little one being along the lines of a latchkey trankil.

Mayday and Zuke earn their trust by buying them food and helping them clean up in the restaurant’s bathroom, rather than just grabbing them and dragging them back to the agency. Aunty, for one, adores them, due to their sweet little face and how eagerly they eat her cooking.

Has pulled a knife on Kliff, multiple times, because he’s creepy as hell and sets off all their alarms, much to the exasperation of Zuke and Mayday. He tries bribing them with toys and snacks up until his betrayal, after which he almost gets stabbed again before BBJ drag Ghost with them to stop the fans.

Zuke doesn’t let them draw their blade in the sewer or on the streets, normally, but he doesn’t necessarily ban them from sharps entirely. He can tell they know how to use them, though he opts to let them use a kitchen knife instead of the haphazard scrap of metal they’ve been swinging around on the streets.

Zam has attempted to conduct interviews with Ghost before, but finds himself mostly just perplexed at their answers. "Okay, I’m looking at what appear to be, uh, hieroglyphics of some kind. I can see something that kind of looks like a rhinoceros beetle head... They’re shaking their head ‘no.’” The little section where he interviews them is nicknamed Ghost Tour.

Comet

They were sleeping in DJ Subatomic Supernova’s apartment at the time of the battle, since he didn’t think he’d need their help. They’re too small to be asked for a whole lot, anyway; he mostly has them around to keep himself company and have someone to talk to (or at, as the case may be).

Their sound energy absorbing powers would probably be enough to deactivate some of NSR’s robots; it comes in handy when the rogue robots are getting in the way of reinstating their guardian as charter.

Their favorite stuffed animal is a toy dolphin that DJSS calls Delphinus, though Comet calls them Splashy when they learn how to write.

As they grow older, their horns begin pointing backward and eventually curling into a similar shape to ram’s horns.

DJSS secretly relishes in the opportunity to have a legacy in the form of taking care of Comet, though he doesn’t know that they are probably more likely to carry his name farther into the future than any drones he sends up to space.

Bunny

They live with Remi, the artist and leader of the Sayu team. He treats them much like a little sibling, in the nice way, and gets them to watch some of the more family-friendly anime he watches; they’re particularly fond of Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball Z, even if they keep dismantling the figures he gets them. They’re much gentler with the plushies, though.

It takes a few weeks of watching Dodo and Sofa work on machinery to get them learning how to build stuff as well as break it. They make it an entire thing when they grow older, working on machinery.

They eventually grow cheek spines, not unlike some depictions of the adult Ghost, and otherwise heavily resemble Hornet as an adult. Much taller than her, though.

Sayu’s kind of reluctant to attack Ghost because they resemble Bunny so much; “You’re too cute to fight!” Zuke doesn’t like the idea of Ghost acting like a trankil shield in fights, but it does help throw off her aim.

Thorn

Yinu’s mom specifically chose the former Broken Vessel because they were the only trankil that expressed any interest in Yinu’s infodumping about classical music. They even responded to questions with head shaking or nodding.

They come to Yinu’s side after her piano breaks, letting go of their fight with Ghost quickly enough; they don’t fault their sibling for doing what they thought was right, even if they don’t understand it, but they believed Yinu needed their support more.

They’re taking violin lessons, as it’s a touch easier to adjust to playing with four fingers on that then on piano. They get pretty good at it as an adult, though in the modern day their playing is a touch mediocre.

After their performance at Yinu’s concert, fighting in her defense with a stolen machete, Yinu’s mom at first grounds Thorn for stealing and playing with sharps, but concedes to put them in a fencing program to “get it out of their system.” They turn out a lot more competent than the instructors were expecting, and intimidate the crap out of their peers. When they’re older they take up a proper swordfighting class.

Yinu does wind up joining them in learning fencing, after her mother gets a recommendation to get her to get more exercise to avoid literally rooting herself to her piano (not an unusual issue for plant folks; they have to move pretty regularly or else they get stuck in one spot and have to be cut out). Her mom worries that she takes to it a touch too eagerly, perhaps because of her relative helplessness.

Thorn acts fairly stoic and polite most of the time, but they can be quite the handful when something piques their interest. They get banned from at least one Renaissance fair due to playing with the swords or poking the roasting pig. Yinu starts covering for them after they start bribing her with extra sweets.

Scotty

Neon J initially treated them like a trainee when he got them, but it quickly slipped into adopted child territory when he realized just how young they were. He did want kids back when he was human, so he took very quickly to the role of adoptive father.

Scotty is very good at learning language and patterns, so they wind up learning English writing pretty quickly for one of their kind. Because of this, Neon J becomes one of the few privy to the nature of the vessels, though he is uncharacteristically quiet about it.

1010 adores Scotty, occasionally posting about them on social media, making them a bit of a fandom darling, though the band does have to put out PSAs about not getting a trankil irresponsibly.

Scotty’s favorite food is cheese tarts and cheese danishes, which they tend to be awarded for good behavior.

Scotty is a very active child; they dance, they run around the mansion, they swim in the pool (and just about any fountain they run across, much to Neon J’s embarrassment), and they can’t be brought within 100 feet of a dog park without trying to pet every animal in the vicinity.

They try their best to comfort their adoptive dad when he’s suffering from phantom pains or flashbacks, though they don’t know the techniques very well. Their usual method is gently patting his hand or leaning against him (among vessels they’d be leaning against each other in large groups, leading to one big cuddle pile; they can’t do it here by themselves, but they’ll sure as hell try).

Much to Neon J’s embarrassment, they become quite the potty mouth (er, hands) when they get older. He’s a sailor, he slips up every now and then!

Riley

The former Greenpath Vessel is rather happy to leave behind the harsh life they lived back in Hallownest, though they find the most success in recounting their old life through art.

Eve tends to be a very dramatic teacher, but quite gentle with her little friend. She couldn’t have asked for a more enthusiastic student, though.

Eve’s quite protective of the little thing; she’s not quite as heartbroken about Zuke’s abandonment due to the company of her apprentice/adopted child, but the thought of them being taken away tends to scare her quite a bit. As such, she tends to spoil them rotten, though they’re still quite sweet.

Riley has a degree of PTSD from their experience in Hallownest; they’re very sensitive to sounds and movement in their peripheral, and have bitten and scratched people on more than one occasion for getting in their bubble without proper warning or consent. Eve’s pretty good about avoiding their blindspot and having her footsteps make noise they can track.

Eve’s among the first to learn about the Lord of Shades and the dream realm due to her teaching her magic painting to Riley. With her help, they created the Dark Mirror, which allows people to enter a sort of waking simulation of the dream realm, though it tends to seriously disorient people not accustomed to messing with reality (musicians tend to do fine, but normal folks? Not so much). It becomes a very useful communication tool when discussing Hallownest and how it functioned.

Sterling

The former Hollow Knight views themselves as deeply indebted to Tatiana, though also viewing her as a friend. She gave them a name, a new purpose, and an opportunity to live again without the constraints of their failed duty; of course they’re going to feel kind of guilty about it.

Only the NSR artists and a few select NSR personnel have seen them in person, and the first thing people tend to notice is their sheer size. Tatiana worries how much renovations will have to be done to accommodate the rest of their kin once they grow up, if they wind up matching their eldest sibling.

They tend to have a reasonably positive relationship with the artists, due to their kindness towards the vessels and generally respectful attitude towards the behemoth of a trankil.  DJSS tends to rant about space in their general direction as his idea of small talk, and they tolerate it. He also not so subtly squees when he sees Comet interacting with their elder sibling. Sayu’s team thinks they’re anime hero levels of cool, sword and all, and Bunny tends to agree, trying to challenge them to fight. Yinu’s mom tends to scrutinize them as reference for Thorn’s later growth, though Yinu herself and Thorn tend to climb the adult trankil like a tree for fun. Neon J respects them deeply as a knight and technical prince, though Scotty’s pretty content to try and get them to play when they visit. Eve appreciates their good manners and willingness to listen, and Riley rather likes showing them their drawings.

Tatiana tends to treat Sterling as something of a confidante, due to their quiet nature and strong sense of loyalty. She worries they idolize her a touch too much to be healthy, but knowing what she does about their past, she’s not sure if a human therapist would help.

The wings grew in a couple weeks before the Rock Revolution; evidently they hadn’t developed quite enough to develop them before they had been sealed, leading to serious back troubles during their fight before their rebirth. It was a pretty chaotic affair helping them through their last molt, considering the other trankil who’ve been molting had a lot less to shed.

Tatiana tends to scold Sterling for digging through her old rock cassettes, though she comes to regret it after the whole debacle with BBJ.

Sterling’s way more ruthless than Tatiana asks for or is fully aware of; they tend to take threats to their new life, siblings, and new companions very, very seriously, and god help the poor soul who convinces them to act. Kliff doesn’t last long after the Rock Revolution, because of this, not that anyone notices.

Misc

The vessels were united under the leadership of Ghost to create the Lord of Shades, and upon killing and absorbing the Radiance, they’ve essentially become the collective gods of the Dream Realm as well as the Void and probably Death too. The level of focus and cooperation needed to fully activate these powers is incredibly high, especially after the vessels begin developing individual personalities, so there won’t be any casual appearances of the Shade Lord any time soon.

Vessels don’t need to eat to grow for the first five or six years of their life, as they have a lot of soul energy stored in their bodies from birth to facilitate growth in the Abyss (their “yolk”), but once that’s expended they won’t grow any more until they gain a stable food source and a safe environment to molt, hence why Ghost spent such a long time being so small, despite being the same age as Sterling. While not eating won’t kill them, humans don’t know that.

The average height for an adult vessel is 8 feet, from the bottom of their feet to base of their horns, whereas a newly hatched vessel (like Comet) is about the size of a tennis ball curled up.

People who aren’t accustomed to the otherworldly presence of the trankil tend to freak out when they’re nearby; the sheer emptiness of their eyes, the expressionless faces, the inhuman size and proportions all give anybody not used to it the heebie-jeebies. Of course, Vinyl City locals stopped caring pretty shortly after they first got the trankil.