#Mordred as a character grew because of the absence of his would-be brother

[the-lord-of-springs]

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"I wonder if I should've died young"

Lleu couldn't help but think that from time to time. He clenches his fist each time you look at someone else, it started out with the villagers, then the staff and till even family. For someone like him, easily jealous and irritated even though he's spoiled on love, what is there for him to give you? What can he possibly offer in exchange for these years?

.....

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" the words swing like a pendulum, sway like small candle fires, every two steps he takes is met with a stumble

I understand now I'm not exactly a character but the start of a story, a place holder for someone else's love and so it's only right for me to return what I've borrowed

For the small cavity inside your chest, are you willing to take my heart?

[meowww-ffxiv]

OK since it's Pride Month.

Meowdred, Theodore, and their queerplatonic relationship.

.

It struck Mordred as funny that Alphinaud and Alisaie were sooo disappointed in him having, apparently, joined in holy matri-money with Mr Theodore just for... you know, the money. And the property rights. Not that he cared, since the kids didn't know how Mordred was in regards to romantic or sexual relationships.

But then G'raha gently told him that perhaps he should tell them. "Why?" Mordred asked, genuinely curious. "It isn't any of their business."

"Because this is something that is a significant part of who you are, of your personhood," G'raha replied. "If I were them, I would certainly feel awful once I realize that I've been harboring doubts about something you did, that turns out to be consistent with your character."

He didn't have to say any more. Mordred understood his meaning, and knew also that G'raha was right. Alphinaud and Alisaie would indeed feel terrible should they realize that their current flabbergasted opinion of Mordred -- that he was someone who weighed material and economical value of a relationship more than its emotional aspect, as he'd made clear he didn't care about Theodore romantically -- was due to the "riches-loving" part and not the "I don't experience romantic attraction, nor does Theodore" part.

But how would something like that even be explained? Mordred grew up alongside a great many people who struggled or defied the gender and sexual norms. He was used to the shape and form of looking for a form that fit and not finding it on the table where most people found theirs.

Yet even in all of that, there wasn't quite what Mordred felt -- for it was difficult to explain the absence of something rather than its presence. If not for the Echo, he and Theodore wouldn't have known this about each other at all.

And because of that, Mordred also viewed this as a secret kept for two. Theodore's reputation as a flirt notwithstanding, what would anyone think should they hear that he had never, and perhaps would never, be capable of "loving" someone the way most in every society and culture expected to be loved? Mordred didn't care what he was viewed as, but he couldn't bear to damage Theodore's side...yet the full and complete explanation to the twins would mean that he must explain both their sides.

Setting aside that matter, Mordred's agreeing to this arrangement was tied up with many other things. His remorse for having left Theodore behind on several occasions when they had a tacit understanding that they'd face all these odds together; his friend's grief-shaped scars from years of losing family and friends, mirroring Mordred's own. The fact that they, together, in this way, could answer each other's longing for some undefinable yet all-consuming desire.

That it did not neatly fit any common box -- lovers, friends, soulmates, brothers, peers, business partners -- was simple misfortune.

To bare this to anyone outside of their glass house, even to those Mordred considered his own flesh and blood insofar as the twins were concerned...

"I don't think you should underestimate them," G'raha said. He mulled it over, then added, "It would be poor of you to underestimate their ability to comprehend the matter, I should say. Alphinaud and Alisaie, above all else, love you. For that alone, I'm absolutely certain they will manage."

"I'm just afraid I'll be very bad at explaining it," Mordred sighed.

"Could Theodore not help?"

"He'd just feel real bad about it and become the fourth casualty here. He already thinks this is all a terrible burden on my nonexistent reputation, if I don't keep reminding him that I proposed." Out of consideration for Theodore, perhaps it was best Mordred just let this problem lie...

But G'raha's sharp mind had caught on something else. He raised an eyebrow. "Who is the third casualty?"

Mordred glanced at him reluctantly.

After a moment, G'raha sighed.

Then thumped their heads together, hard enough for Mordred to wince.

"You told me that, to the bottom of your soul, to the very limit of what you are capable of, you love me," G'raha said. "How could I ask for more? How could I then say that it is somehow not enough? Why don't you believe me when I tell you that it is?"

"I believe you," Mordred replied.

"Then we agree I'm not a 'casualty'."

Mordred sighed gustily. "It's just-- This's a mess. And I've kinda involved you in it."

"Believe me, if this sort of 'mess' is all I have to deal with until the day I die, then I've truly earned good fortune," G'raha smiled. "Jests aside, if it bothers you so, then you should consult with Theodore. He had no trouble explaining to me what I should expect of you."

"...He did?"

G'raha blinked, like it was a genuine surprise. "Yes? He even said he's had to tell several people that."

Oh.

Mordred sat there for a moment, tail twitching, slowly digesting the knowledge that his friend had had to go behind his back and told "several people" that he wasn't interested in sex or romance and for them to please don't take it to heart, please be nice to him. Mordred cared about them, really... Theodore would definitely say that.

........To, at minimum, Aymeric. Oh gods.

"Very well," Mordred said. He rolled his eyes, embarrassment turning swiftly into chagrin. "Fine. I'll-- I'll ask him. To tell them."

.

"What," was Theodore's response. "I already told them."

Huh?

The look on Mordred's face was unspeakable. Theodore turned and spat his mouthful of tea back into his cup to prevent himself from spraying it everywhere. Some of it still went into his airway as he failed to swallow down the snickering, but it wasn't life-threatening.

Small hands thumped Theodore on the back as he coughed, though it was unclear whether Mordred was helping him or if he was actually punching him.

"When?" the cat demanded. Then, shriller, "Why?!"

"Why not?" Theodore retorted. He tilted the entire contaminated cup of tea into the nearby bush, then put it down on the coffee table so he could catch the flailing wrist. "Alright, stop. Did I do something I should not have? Did you not want them to know, somehow?"

"Well, no." Mordred struggled mightily with himself for a moment. Then he sat down next to Theodore with a huff, ears pinned to his hair. "I just thought-- Well, no one has to know."

"About you specifically, or about us?"

Mordred couldn't really answer that. He waved his hands vaguely instead, finishing off with a sound akin to a fart cushion being sat on.

"For what it was worth," Theodore said, "that did not change Alphinaud and Alisaie's opinion one bit. They seem to understand that there is an emotional, if not romantic, aspect to our marriage. But they can't get over the fact that you quite literally saw it as fulfilling an economical purpose."

"Children," Mordred griped. "So naive. What else is a wedding ring for?"

Theodore nodded solemnly. "I think Alisaie thought you sold yourself out to get into my assets."

"What!"