#Might take to some old coping mechanisms they're not healthy but neither is this shit and I don't have enough other options

[far-off-flower-fields]

I think things with the old buggers are just continually getting worse. It's at a point where other people are pointing out that they're gaslighting me, and where even my brother is saying stuff like "I don't get why they're so different with you". Not sure if she genuinely believes it but she was literally yelling at me that she does so much stuff for me and claiming that I just intentionally forget it (inaccurate). The same person who literally refuses to put food I already have in the oven for me when I'm crying because I can't handle doing it myself (which is because it is triggering my cptsd living with them and their behaviour really irritates my autism and adhd). She's literally referring to picking up a couple small (like we're talking under a pound) bits of food at my specific request and a few other thijgs over the space of literal years that I couldn't possibly forget because she holds everything over my head to beat me with when I get frustrated that she's being shit and will never stop being shit.

It's just constant lies and attempts to fucking tilt the view on everything in their favour, they bitch about each other and try to drag me into their arguments as backup but when they are literally lying to me about shit that happened moments before, no one fucking bats an eye then looks at me after as if to confirm that yes I am remembering right but they don't give a shit and will once again not be stepping in.

He kicked the dog, my mother has done nothing about it, they had me train the dog and go to classes with him only to fucking disregard everything and ruin the whole thing for me and bitch and whine about it and threaten to get rid of him while I still do most of the work (after getting rid of another dog when I was a kid without any warning because kids apparently just don't deserve to know things before they come home as the dog is being taken by his new family in their eyes). Then in front of my brother they act all happy happy.

I lose weight accidentally they don't give a shit. I wish they'd just like use the actual words and admit properly that they just never connected to me or gave a shit. Like they get close to telling the truth then fucking pin it on me instead, my mother once said (while I was really depressed after a shift at my old job) "you never let us in, you had walls up" yes you heard it hear first I had walls up even at fucking 5 years old, I had walls up at 11 years old when I told them things that happened at school, I had walls up at 13 when I explained what happened to result in me no longer hanging out with someone I used to (who they literally admitted once to liking better even if they were just mad at me they shouldn't have said it or at least like took it back and apologised but they didn't just pretended the didn't say it when I quoted word for word) yeah all of the times I asked for help or praise or encouragement or affection those were definitely all because I had walls up.

Every meltdown I've had in the last year has to some extent been caused by them. I am continuing to fall apart exactly as I was when I was working because living with their shit is like a full time job that I have to pay to have. I was a good kid, I try my best to be a good person, even if those things weren't true I still wouldn't deserve this. It sucks because things are bad but never bad enough in an obvious way that no one would argue with for people to fucking do something. If I can't get away, I'm going to die because my brain and body are crumbling.