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a-casual-egg · 2 years

Text

A oneshot where Dob calls the lesbians for help

——

Dob quickly shuts the door behind him, it would slam if he shut it any faster. He takes a few steps but then stops as he really doesn't know what to do. He's standing in the middle of his living room absolutely drenched and holding a cardboard box in his hands. He calls out for Egbert but the response is silence.

Dob places the box on the floor and heads to the bathroom for towels. He then grabs some food and water and put them in small dishes. He returns to the box and the absolutely teeny figure in the box has barely moved an inch. Dob places the food and water dishes in the box and crouches down to watch quietly for a little while before trying to dry the tiny figure.

—

Egbert pushes open the front door and carefully shuts it behind him, he's about to say something of a "honey, I'm home" effect until he hears sobbing. He quickly makes his way to Dob's side who grabs onto Egbert's thigh and cries into it.

"She's so tinyyyyyyyy!!!!" Dob says through sobs.

"Uh, who's so tiny?"

Dob doesn't say anything, half of Egbert thinks it's because Dob's words just can't get through his sobs. Instead Dob just points at the cardboard box on the floor and the figure in the corner of thr box, small and shaking. At first Egbert can't really distinguish what it is but then it hisses at him. It's an absolutely teeny kitten.

Egbert kneels down next to Dob who grabs onto Egbert's neck next and holds him close. Egbert reaches out tentatively to let the kitten at least sniff him but then the kitten turns the hissing meter up to 11 and hisses at Egbert even more and stomps her little feet. Egbert retracts his hand and moves it to Dob's back to rub small circles there.

"Did you feed her?"

"Yes! And I tried to dry her but she kept hissing at me!"

"She's probably just scared, Dob, really scared by the looks of it."

"Yeah! But I don't know what to doooooo!"

The two men sit there for a bit in silence before looking at each other and going "Merilwen."

—

Merilwen breathes in and out, she's comfy meditating with a certain tiefling bear next to her. She cracks one eye open at the sudden sound of her phone ringing and Prudence groans at her waking.

Merilwen grabs her phone and is greeted by a photo of Dob he took on her phone. She answers his call and before she can say hello Dob starts rambling. It's something abt someone tiny and sopping wet and terrified. She thinks she hears kitten somewhere in there.

She's able to calm down Dob enough for him to actually talk through what's happening. He found a cat on the side of the road and couldn't just leave her behind because he'd never be able to forgive himself and because she's a little baby. Then he brought her home and brought her food and water then tried to dry her but she was so terrified and hissed at him so much. Then Egbert came home and he isn't entirely sure what to do either.

"Ok, Dob, if Egbert is home can't he just talk to the kitten? Y'know, Speak with Animals?"

Dob is silent on the line for a while before just letting out a really long "oooooooohhh". He thanks Merilwen then hangs up and Merilwen gets back to her meditating. Prudence's bear form snuggles closer to Merilwen as well.

—

Dob places his head on Egbert's shoulder and wraps his arms around Egbert as Egbert speaks with the little kitten. It's cute hearing a giant golden dragonborn meowing to a little kitten and the little kitten meowing back. Dob has no clue what's happening in their little conversation but Egbert reaches out his hand again and the little kitten sniffs it. She feels the warmth from Egbert's hand and headbutts into it and Dob feels like his heart is gonna explode from these cuties being cute. Egbert and the kitten meow back and forth some more and Dob falls asleep from relief and from Egbert's comfy presence and warmth radiating off him.

—

"Mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow-"

Dob opens one eye to see his alarm clock of a cat looking down at him. It's been years now since they got her and she's firmly made her place in the family. Egbert and Dob picked the name Juliet for her and she seemed to agree to it. Now that Juliet is older Dob and Egbert can tell she's not a regular domestic cat but instead a fluffy wild cat who needs so much affection and attention.

Juliet baps Dob on his face because he's taking too long to get out of bed apparently. Dob sits up, stretches his arms up, and yawns. Juliet sits on Dob's lap and headbutts his chest because she decides she wants affection actually and Dob obliges with little scritches under her chin. She then goes to Egbert and flops on top of him.

She meows at him and he lazily pets her head. Juliet nuzzles under Egbert's big hand and purrs. Juliet is very content by Egbert petting her and he's started to give her little kisses as well. She's a daddy's girl and while she has two dads Dob thinks she prefers her walking radiator of a dad. So he takes this time to go make some breakfast. He pats Dogbert's head to see if he wants to come with but he seems content snoozing for a while longer.

Dob sleepily stumbles into the kitchen and grabs some things out of the cupboards and fridge to make breakfast with. He spends plenty of time cutting up veggies and mixing them in with scrambled eggs. He's in the middle of cooking the dish as Egbert sleepily wraps his arms around Dob's waist and places his head on top of Dob's. It causes Dob to chuckle and boop Egbert's nose.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Dob coos, "Did Julie wake you?"

Egbert, still too tired to from coherent words, simply grunts in response which causes Dob to chuckle again. Egbert nuzzles into Dob's hair and waits for the eggs to be done.

—

Dob hands Egbert his plate and out of instinct stands on his tippy-toes for a kiss. Egbert leans down as well out of instinct and out of love. He places one hand on Dob's waist and the other hand holding his plate. Dob on the other hand wraps his arms around Egbert's neck and since Egbert is about seven inches taller it is a bit of a reach but Dob doesn't care, he just wants to hold his partner. Dob's about to get a kiss right until something or rather someone hops on top of his head and steals his kiss from Egbert.

Juliet meows atop Dob's head and Egbert lets out a roar of laughter. Egbert coos that Juliet is so smart and mischievous and Dob pouts like a child who has been denied candy. Egbert gives him a soft kiss on his pouting lips and it's very hard for Dob not to smile. He pulls through though to show that he really is upset. Egbert smiles down at him, puts Juliet down, and covers Dob in kisses to make him smile and laugh. It works and Dob ends up cackling in Egbert's arms.

—

Dob lays awake next to Egbert who's sound asleep with a certain wild cat nestled in his arms. At least Dogbert is more on his side of the bed then Egbert's. It's wild to think he's this bothered by Juliet stealing an Egbert kiss from Dob, but this is far from the first time. It'd be a lie to say he doesn't love and adore Juliet but he'd like to kiss his husband without Juliet stealing Egbert's affections.

Dob looks over at the alarm clock, it's 2am. He needs to be dramatic about this! But who does he know that could be up at 2am?

Dob gets up and walks into a different room before calling Merilwen. She, however, laughs at him when he asks "How do I stop Juliet from stealing Egbert from me?”.

—

"Who was that?" Prudence asks, rubbing her eyes.

"Dob, he wanted to know how to stop Juliet from stealing Egbert from him."

"That's ridiculous." Prudence says before flopping back into bed to go to sleep.

"Funny, I remember you saying the same thing except Egbert and Juliet were me and a potted plant." Merilwen responds, watching Prudence freeze.

Prudence rolls over and quickly goes "N-Now Listen! That's different-". She points her finger at Merilwen but clearly Prudence is at a loss for words. Merilwen giggles mischievously at Prudence.

—

“Ok Merilwen just laughed at me when I asked this; how do I stop Juliet from stealing Egbert from me?”.

Suzette slowly blinks, clearly not processing any of the words except for utter nonsense.

"Dob. Dob, I love you but you're insane."

"Su! This is serious!" Dob then explains how Juliet stole his kiss from Egbert today.

All Suzette responds with is, “Ughhhh Dob could you please be quieter it’s 2am."

"Su, I can't! this is important! My husband is being stolen from right under my nose!"

"More like on top of your head with that last stunt you told me about . . ."

Dob then goes on to ramble about how that was funny but this isn't the first time Juliet has stolen Egbert's affections. Suzette is only half-listening, she's sitting on her porch watching the world, wishing she could go back to bed with Yetta.

"Dob, Yetta is gonna wonder where I've gone. I need to go back to bed."

“Just tell her you’re talking to me, and I’m sure she’ll sympathize with you about one of your kids stealing you from her!”

“Dob, we don’t have kids. Or pets. We work in a lab, remember? We don’t have the time."

Almost as if on cue, Yetta opens the door and sits down next to Suzette on the porch.

"Who is it?" she asks.

"Dob." Suzette responds.

"Yes?" Dob asks after hearing his name.

"N-no, Yetta was asking who I'm talking to and-" Suzette sighs, "Do you wanna talk to her?"

"Oh! Sure!"

Suzette wordlessly hands her phone over to Yetta who is filled in on the situation by Dob. She seems to agree if her nodding along is any indication.

Yetta does a long sigh, “Yeah, Suzette’s been spending far too long with certain chemicals and a certain experiment ...” Yetta looks at Suzette as she finishes the sentence.

Suzette tiredly sighs again, "Yetta, it's just a frog, it's not gonna steal me."

"Yes, but he's your pet!"

"He's not my pet, he's just a test subject."

"Suzie, we've had this conversation already."

By this point Dob has been put on speaker so he can hear both sides.

"It's perfectly fine if you consider him a pet, I just want you to admit it." Yetta continues.

Suzette blushes but stays quiet.

Yetta looks at her wife stone-faced, "Suzie, if the dragon man can call that magic dog his pet you can call a frog you found your pet.".

". . . fine, Kermit is my pet frog."

"Kermit?!" Dob exclaims.

"Yeah! She named the frog, Kermit! It's so cute!" Yetta responds.

"It isssss, you should send me some pictures of Kermit sometime!"

"Isn't the whole reason you called is because you have a problem?"

"Oh yeah! I mean I could never get rid of either of them cuz I love them so dearly." Dob says as he looks lovingly at his wedding ring.

"Of course not!"

"We'd never suggest a thing like that, Dob."

"Well, I'd hope not!"

"Well, I'd hope my husband isn't serious about being jealous over our cat."

Dob freezes, then looks over his shoulder to see a giant golden dragonborn leaning on the door frame dressed in pajama pants and a loose-fitting tank top, looking both oh so tired and smug.

Egbert then makes his way over to Dob and Dob can hear his sister and her wife laughing through his phone.

"Well, looks like our work here is done." Suzette says before hanging up.

"You didn't even do anything." Dob says to Suzette even though she's already hung up and so can't hear him.

Egbert holds Dob in his hands and sways him a little as if they were dancing.

"So," Dob starts.

"So," Egbert repeats, "so you saw Juliet interrupting me giving you affection and you got jealous. Of our cat. Then you decided to call your sister about how to keep our cat from stealing me?

"It doesn't sound good when you say it like that." Dob points out as he looks away.

"Dob, you are the romantic love of my life and no one could take your place, but by the holy cow you sure are weird."

Dob lets out an airy laugh before saying, "You're one to talk, Mr. Worships a Purple Cow in The Sky."

"That's not the point, the point is you could have just talked to me about this."

". . . I know, I just . . . I thought you'd think it was silly."

"Well it is," Dob fixes Egbert with a glare and Egbert is unfazed by it, "but as your partner I'm going to listen to all your worries, silly or serious, and help you through them."

"Y-yeah?" is all Dob can get out.

"Yeah, and you're upset about not getting more affection, well I could do this."

"Do wha-" is, again, all Dob can get out before he is scooped up in Egbert's arms.

"I carried you just like this on our wedding night, y'know?"

"And you only dropped me once!" Dob smiles smugly watching Egbert's face turn into flustered coppery-gold colour.

Dob giggles into the crook of Egbert's neck. He then rests his head against Egbert's shoulder. Being in Egbert's arms always feels so secure to Dob, as if he's wrapped in a blanket of safety.

"Do you remember what else we did on our wedding night?"

"Not what most people do, considering you're asexual and we're both weird.", Dob says softly, "But I assume you're talking about the pillow fort and the B-movies we watched."

"Exactly, we don't have anything to do tomorrow so why don't we build a pillow fort and watch some awful B-movies together?"

"You had me at 'wedding night'." Dob hums as he boops Egbert's nose.

—

Dob lays on top of Egbert and pulls blankets over him like a cocoon of romantic love and cuddling. Egbert rubs small circles into Dob's back as he presses play on some horror B-movie about a brain that wouldn't die.

Egbert stops paying attention about halfway through and starts to run his fingers through Dob's hair. Dob hums in response to it and flips his body over so he and Egbert are face to face.

"You wanna go to bed already, sweetheart?"

"But we didn't even finish the first movie!"

"Well we don't have anything we need to do tomorrow so we can watch it and many more B-movies tomorrow."

". . . fine." Egbert says before turning off the television and flopping backward so he can fall asleep.

Dob spreads his body on top of Egbert and pulls some blankets over the top of them. They both drift off to sleep soon afterward.

—

"Mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow, mrow-"

Dob blearily opens his eyes to see Juliet looking at him. She tilts her head curiously and starts to headbutt him. Dob giggles and gives her some chin scritches, Juliet purrs. Juliet must've heard last night's conversation because she starts to give him little cat kisses which makes Dob giggle almost uncontrollably.

"I love you too, little one." Dob coos.

"Mow!"

#oxventure #dob #egbert #merilwen #prudence #suzette #Yetta Lägg #dob x egbert #dobbert #demonwoods #suzette x yetta #egg writes #asexual egbert #bc I say so thats why

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