#Media alternate mainstream gang stalker false reality testing

[hanzi83]

It is an interesting time for me in this season of the year and it scares me. It is often a mistake to give out the updates of your mental health, when you live in a world of vultures who want to destroy you and play with your mental illness like it is their toy. But I don’t wear my flaws as a badge of honor but rather as a shield to fend off people who are paid to fuck with people online or in real life. It is that time of the year where my depression reaches a darker level and because I never wanted to take it seriously and being a flawed and mentally ill person seemed to be cool because it leaves people talking and it is more interesting because of the train wreck feature that exists for people’s amusement so you tend to play to that more often and so much so that people think that is what you are and low and behold that is what you become, especially when someone such as myself had such an empty existence prior mentally and struggling with this mental illness and I thought I had it taken care of and never took it seriously because there is such a stigma with mental illness, even when we are preaching that people need to admit they have a problem, none of these spokespeople want to acknowledge what has helped cause this and that is where it becomes “You don’t want to take responsibility, you just want to blame others” and the common consensus is that the person complaining about people in charge or people at top they are deemed crazy and when something happens to them later, they will pat themselves on the back on how they tried to show compassion and they wished things would be better. That right there is a extreme mental illness in that.

You don’t know how many times I envision telling people off, people who tell me that their business is none of my business, yet they secretly have me monitored and are up to date with what I am doing and who I am talking to, and they have the audacity to question me on why I should know what is happening. When you become a part of the Stern show, you are pegged to have an interesting life. In my opinion, your life becomes chaotic and full of a false reality, and as the years have gone by it has become clearer this is a program I have been secretly enlisted to. I am so monitored, people in the system can only limit their conversation with me and play dumb about what is happening, but will still leave subtle hints that they want the best for me and refer to it as “We want what is best for you’ like I am some kind of pet project that a whole team has been recruited to experiment on. Even if things were revealed and I was magically vindicated for everything I have been through, seemingly, because officially it is my delusion of grandeur, as my friend would like to put it, and that anything I think is not a fact, it is just a stupid conspiracy, but even if I was somehow vindicated from all of this, I would not be able to recover. It has been too much. I was already a pussy to begin with.

I feel I have contributed more than what is lead on and have helped people in my life, beneath the surface, and if I wasn’t a valuable commodity to the people above, they wouldn’t let me be here. They have secretly exploited me and others and others have been beaten into submission so badly they can’t even talk about it because people will chastise them. It might come across like people who are just reacting, but with the internet it has become easier to become a target of people who possess a power and can harass you nonstop and with the narcissistic generation of needing the constant attention, especially for someone like me, who has no other use but being someone who became famous, when everyone now a days has become a famous or have connection with important people. I have been exploited mentally, and it makes it worse that others have profited off it secretly and still have the audacity to pretend they live regular lives.

And I feel the need to write this during this season to melt the anger away, but the lack of reaction will make me angrier, because I know people are aware of what I am doing and when I am writing. They won’t just see this when it is officially posted, it will be seen as I am typing it, because even when I type out my thoughts in this personal journal on my technology they move my cursor all over the place and make their presence known. I have gone to media outlets to talk about this and no one will touch it. These people won’t investigate it because they are all controlled, they know what kind of power Howard Stern has. Yeah he isn’t relevant in pop culture anymore, but make no mistake that someone like him has a lot of fucking power behind the scenes, enough to ruin people’s lives and play with their mental illness.

I am constantly being told I am being watched and that people are having meetings about me etc. Now you will say these people are just assholes making it up, and maybe they are right, but these people are still paid to put out that paranoia towards me. They feel no compassion. The scary part is this could be people I know, it could people in the industry, because these people are immature and with the secret groups that people have online in various amounts of forums, it becomes easier to spy on someone. It makes me think people in the system have a license to commit misconduct and are allowed to do illegal stuff and even if I contacted people in power, they would be bought off. People like me are experiments. No one will believe it and I should expect that, because I have misbehaved and said some of the most vile things because of my mental illness and just lashing out, so why would anyone believe me and the people who do, won’t do anything because they don’t have any power in this system, or if they do, they certainly don’t care enough.

They even withhold me seeing a therapist after pressuring me to see one. They are making it worse for me and making my condition worse. I have become immune to this stuff but every now and then I reflect if I am being played and are people pissing me off on purpose and then envisioning future arguments because people will try to take anything I have and people from my past do have vengeance on their mind because they will never get over me not reaching out and I can tell they can’t be trusted because they just lie to me about everything and try to downplay what they have gotten to do, and it makes me think if that is done because if something good happens, they will inject themselves into my business, after having the luxury of getting to do whatever they want and being able to go backstage at events while I have been mentally tortured.

It is just bad when I complain about this so openly because it makes me look entitled, when there were secret emails and messages exchanged as part of an agreement with others of what they get if they cosign something or they call into a show or help produce a segment etc, and I did those things without realizing there is value because once you are a part of the Stern world, you have some kind of value in the system but because they don’t explain the hidden rules, that officially don’t exist, you just think people who complain are entitled, when the system itself has been entitled by getting free content out of characters for their show and then leaving them with nothing but scraps while their pockets have been lined up nice and their elitist friends just laugh at these pieces of shits because we are the leeches of society, and not the ones who are so rich and luxurious who can do good things, but choose it to fuck with people’s mental health.

I am all over the place, but this is how scatter brained I am because I have these constant thoughts in my head constantly and I am having imaginary arguments with myself and how I would handle future events and how these people have used me to distract me. It feels good temporarily to be invited places, but when it isn’t being done for genuine reasons and being done to distract me from being in certain places, it hurts and it hurts  bad and by putting this out there, it will probably make it worse because these people can secretly still fuck with me and no one will believe me or will never want to believe me, because they don’t want to piss off people with real power, but if I dare complain about any of this, they will get their revenge on me.

It makes me wonder, especially during this season, why I am still alive on this planet. This thought is so redundant and tired, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it constantly. People will always want to get revenge on me and I will feel the need to become a darker person because that is how the world is and instead of becoming what I hate in this world, I would rather just die and be left alone. People will say I am being crazy for thinking that, but these same people want me to live so they can continuously lie to me about certain things and what connections they have. I am not as close with people I used to know and when I am around socially, I feel I have nothing to talk about. And “Remember when” is a lowest form of conversation, and that is what half of my conversation is like because I only have my memories with these people, and the last decade or so, I have just been in this basement while everyone else has gotten to do cool shit and they have to keep it from me. I just don’t see the point.

People tell me subtly that people need me here, and it makes it seem like there is no genuine care there, it is just because I bring some kind of value to this world, it makes everyone situation a little better, but I have to be the pariah that makes people sympathize with others who are the ones responsible for the way I am. It might not be official or acknowledged, but I haven’t just been some useless asshole in his mom’s basement. I didn’t sell my soul in 2011 and didn’t want to be a propaganda tool and be limited with what can be said, I didn’t want to be complicit in bad behavior, and assumed ALL of it was evil, even though there are elements of good,  and that is why the old guard is being baited out with these sex scandals and rape cases etc, if there was no good in the world, these things wouldn’t be exposed at all, even if the narratives are limited, but I didn’t want to be someone who lied about stuff at other people’s expense and knowing about future events that will take place and not being able to say anything, and it fucked with so much I basically threw it all away that the system had no choice but to just hype me up as someone who is a mentally ill pot head in his mom’s basement and I am so mentally ill, that people in the system who have it good, are pointing out and bullying mentally ill people. I am either a mentally ill person not to be taken seriously, or I am someone of importance when all these resources are being thrown together to fuck with my reality and fuck with my head.

I wonder what will need to happen for people in the media to actually investigate all of this, or be open minded to what could be happening. It feels like people sense something will go down because the trolling has been much more aggressive lately and these people don’t plan on stopping. They will bombard any platform I am on with their comments and admitting they are being paid to do this but no one takes it seriously because they can just say they are joking. It is sad because it is like they are pushing me to do something violent to someone else or me. It really disturbs me how evil people can be and seem so normal on the surface. They have their normal lives with a wife and kid; they don’t even talk to them for the most part, but give the illusion of a normal existence, when most of these people are communicating within secret groups to organize online attacks.

I need to get some of this off my chest because we are reaching a darker time in my mental illness, this is the beginning of when I am so much more prone to this dark behavior and it continues until March or so, but even as much as spring and summer should make you feel more joyous, it doesn’t feel that way for me, because this depression is all year round and it always starts from here and people I know or the trolls who are just Stern’s subservient assholes, will keep pounding on me mentally and they won’t be happy until I attempt something. They spread rumors about me, whether its me being dead, or being gay. They push that gay stuff on me, because they feel ashamed that they live in the closet, and that some of them had to do gay stuff behind the scenes, and because I expose that forced homoerotic type of ritualistic shit, they try to push it on me like I am hiding something. Instead of dealing with their own, they decided to marry in a straight marriage and then think it won’t fuck with them, because look at how much mentally ill stuff they are involved with to fuck with people.

It wouldn’t bother me nearly as much if these people weren’t paid to do this, and that their point system of what they receive behind the scenes relied upon getting a reaction from people. I react they win, I don’t react, it gives them more authority to beat me down even more mentally. I just want transparency and people to admit they are doing this. It is such cowardice if its people who are known or who actually know me personally do partake in this and then pretend they are nice people who would never do such thing. You want me to trust these people in the future? My own family and friends have disdain for me and it seems like they don’t even care about how much more mentally ill I will become.

I never know if I am invited because people genuinely want me out there and still repeat the same bullshit or is it to cover their bases for when something cool happens to me. I don’t want to be here and I will never have interest. I will never forgive them for making me the step child of this fucking world and that poor them for having to deal with me, and if that is the case they shouldn’t need me here. Come on you can kill me, you can do it subtly and no one would know because I live such an unhealthy life and I am also crazy. You people win regardless. Why do you need me here? I know they love to make you think life is random and that is to rid themselves of guilt of knowing this world is designed to be chaotic and be system sacrifices and that we really don’t have the power we think we do.

I didn’t break any ground in this blog but time to time I need to write it out instead of stuttering it out on periscope and I get quite grossed out by looking at my ugly face. I hope with me expressing it, it helps these people actually have a conscience but I don’t think these people have any kind of soul and they just want to harass you and because I point it out to get it off my chest, they will continue with their transparency plus secrecy and will know I can’t say anything because if I say something slight off, they will use my mental illness against me, anything to take away any of the blame on them because they are perfect human beings and everyone thinks they are the greatest friend and greatest humanitarian that has ever lived, and they get to have the connections to hang out with whoever they want. Then make it seem it is in my own head, and they wouldn’t have any of it if it weren’t for me, and since they know I am valuable to the system, they do me small favors to make it seem like they are being good out of the goodness of their heart, when they do it because they will use it against me. They have gotten to experience so much luxurious shit and they hide it because if I ever get a shot at it, they can intercept it with their bullshit.

I just want out of here. Even if these thoughts are invalid and I am just some delusional idiot who concocted all of this out of nowhere, why would you want someone like this existing? Why would you even want me around my nephews or my friends kids at all, I am a disturbed individual and obviously a bad person because I feel I have been so fucked mentally I am not allowed to do anything and if I am allowed to do anything, I have to have people accompany me places, especially comedy related. These people have already concocted and politic a planned fan base so it makes it seem like I need them. It is disturbing and it is like they are trying to get in on anything I do. I just want to be on my own. I work better on my own, I don’t like having to cater to what others want because they secretly want to fuck them, guy or girl.  I just want to be gone from here and if I have to live, let me go as far away as possible so I never have to interact with anyone. People in general don’t like me for real, they never will. I have to accept it and I have to remind myself, because there are moments of good times.

I wouldn’t want to be with any chick because I don’t want to put my mental illness on all of these women, or just a woman, I can’t imagine many women would want to be with this, unless I could do something for them, but it’s okay. It is for the best, I would wonder fucked up shit like who she fucked, does she have diseases etc, and it would drive me crazy. I am best on my own and as lonely and sad as it gets it is for the better, because I just think I am not a pleasant person and there are better people than me that should be alive instead of me. I am just a waste to this planet. I am not putting myself down for the sympathy, I just want to show you this is who I am when my mental illness kicks in and you people still want this person alive? Why? You get a kick out of someone being this fucked up that you can play with? Fuck you and anyone who has done this to another person and then blame them solely because you know that people will not believe that person. It is so fucking gross. I guess these independent media outlets who claim they aren’t like mainstream media are waiting for something to actually happen to me before they can start covering how I am the victim of gang stalking and how they enlist people who are mentally ill and are conspiracy type people into these programs to stalk and make their lives uncomfortable. No one feels bad about it whatsoever and people will get away with it scot free. It will take something fucked up to happen to me before it will get notice.

Howard can get away with anything, so much so, none of the industry types who have deemed him a feminist etc would speak up on the mentally ill shit he has done and what kind of fucked up things he will continue to do and then play dumb about it, and no one can even mention how he is really a Trump supporter and contributor because he had people fooled with being a Hilary supporter. He will go at Trump a little, but will not get as crazy as he did in the past with politics in general and now claims he doesn’t really have an opinion. It seems sketchy but he has even fooled his fan base with him being PC and that is why he is horrible human being now, that is how fucked the narrative is. Obviously this is hitting someone hard because as I type this, my cursor keeps moving around. I can’t prove it because I never know when they will do it or when they won’t do it. It is disturbing. I can’t even write my own thoughts in private without feeling like I am being watched.

Again it is probably all in my head and I am the sole reason any of this is happening, it is all randomness and I am just making excuses so never believe anything I have ever done. Forgive me to people who know me for all the conspiracy theorist shit i say and spew constantly, I am the one who is a nobody and think I am some important person in this world, I am just a delusional shit head and it is even more reason why you should just end me and you can be open about what you are doing, instead of just plotting behind the scenes to assure yourselves protection and keeping me out of commission