#Meanwhile i legit cannot wake up for some weird reason

[mooseyspooky]

top surgery in less than 12 hours

[tjkiahgb]

Episode Recap: 3.14, “Hammer Time”

Homestretch, folks. Here we go.

Our episode begins in The Spoon, where Andi tells Buffy and Cyrus that Bex and Bowie’s wedding is off. Amber shows up and hears just enough to think Bex and Bowie broke up, but Andi’s like no, they’re just not getting married.

Amber’s like, oh, that’s not so bad.

Everyone lets that sad thought just linger in the air.

And then they move on without commenting.

I wish Amber had doubled down. “Well at least they aren’t having money troubles, right? Oh and also, my cat ran away. I don’t know if you have pets or anything, but I figured I’d just put that out there.”

Buffy and Cyrus continue to sympathize with Andi, but doing so only reminds her of the situation more and drives her further into rage. Andi feels furious about this whole thing and, what’s worse, she claims she can’t tell her parents about her fury because they told her she was entitled to her feelings.

Andi’s like, I guess that was a nice thing of them to say. It is nice. It’s mature.

Oh?

Cyrus says it’s like in dodgeball, where Andi has this ball of rage to throw at Bex and Bowie, but they’re ready for it, so they’ll just catch it.

One, that’s giving Bex and Bowie way too much credit. Manipulative suggests calculation. In no way are Bex and Bowie doing anything more than acting on instinct. They don’t have it in them.

Two, so the right thing to have done here on their part was to tell Andi to shut up? That she was overreacting, it’s not her marriage, it’s theirs so she has to deal with it, thus allowing her an opportunity to rage at them? That rage is only worthwhile if you can unleash on people by surprise? They must never see your rage coming. It should hit them in the back of a head like a dodgeball they weren’t expecting.

Maybe Andi should consider jumping on Bex’s bed at 3 in the morning one night and screaming in her face.

This whole thing is a very weird analogy that I feel Cyrus developed only by listening to every other word one of his parents once said about this issue. Or maybe not even this issue. Maybe they were just talking about dodgeball.

Cyrus doesn’t give it much more thought though, because he’s impressed with his ability to drop a metaphor out of nowhere.

And one about sports at that.

Andi wants to know what to do with her ball of rage. Amber has an idea.

Smash old junk.

It seems to work.

Later, Andi relaxes in her room and gets a call from Celia.

Well, she gets a Facetime from Celia but Celia has her phone too close to her head. Old people and technology, you know how it is.

Celia asks if Andi got her email. Andi’s like, email? I don’t know what that is, I’m not some Millennial.

You know what, I hate this show and I’m glad it’s cancelled.

Celia tells Andi to look at her email because she sent her a video of a wedding where everyone dances down the aisle and she’s thinking they should do that for Bex and Bowie’s wedding.

Then Andi watches Celia do the saddest silly grandma dance in the history of film and television as she notes how happy she looks and mentally notes how tragic it will be to stomp out that happiness.

Andi tells Bex that Celia called and wants to know when she plans on telling her that the wedding is off. Bex says she can’t yet. Andi wants to know why not. Because, Bex says, tomorrow is Celia’s birthday.

Wait, so Andi doesn’t remember her own grandma’s birthday? What did she think the fancy dinner they were going to the next night was about?

The next morning, Buffy meets up with Marty to do some cardio. She sees Marty’s footwear and has questions.

Oh God, he would. These weird toe shoes are so Marty. Kudos to whichever writer said “Marty should be wearing those weird toe shoes.” Nailed it.

Marty’s like, make fun of my toe shoes all you please, but I’m running a marathon this weekend. He’s been training half a year for this. Buffy’s like, ok, sounds fun, I’ll do it, too.

Marty’s like, you haven’t trained. Don’t do that. Buffy considers that a challenge. Marty lists the many ways this could go badly for her.

But Buffy’s lost all sense of reason.

This is like someone walking into an operating room and grabbing a scalpel and going, “Ok, let me at the patient.” And the doctors and nurses are screaming, “Ma’am, you cannot perform open-heart surgery without any training!” and they’re like, “Oh, you’re just scared they’re going to name the hospital after me.”

Jonah, meanwhile, walks down the sidewalk when he is ambushed by Cyrus.

Watch out, Jonah! Cyrus could have a ball of rage!

Luckily, Cyrus just wants to invite him to a campout to watch a meteor shower. Jonah is like, the meteors are not going to hit us, right? And Cyrus is like, no, it’s not like we’re Russia.

Cyrus says there will be s’mores. Jonah’s like, I haven’t had s’mores in a while.

Honestly, that’s not bad. It’s a B+ pun. Much better than I expected from Jonah “Danishes have eyes, I’m not making a joke here, I’m legit saying this” Beck.

At a fancy restaurant that night, Bex, Bowie, and Andi wait for Celia and Ham to show up. Yes, Ham. I raised my eyebrows when I heard that.

Bex, by the way, has achieved full mom status.

Celia finally shows up. Alone.

They ask where Ham is. Celia says he’s not coming. Is he ok? Yes, he’s fine, says Celia, he’s in INDIA.

That’s right. Ham is in Asia now. Don’t ask anymore questions about it and don’t you dare Google it.

Jonah shows up to Cyrus’s backyard and sees Cyrus has set up a huge tent.

He doesn’t know when the meteor shower is going to be so he figures they should wait it out in comfort.

Back at the restaurant, Andi, Bex, and Bowie ask Celia about the missing Ham. Celia says he went back to the ashram and didn’t say goodbye because he was worried they’d talk him out of it.

Bowie says that since he got back from India the first time, he seemed a little lost. Celia says she promises they will hear from him again.

Which sounds like a threat.

This whole scene makes you feel awkward for the actors and it feels surreal as an audience member, but I am honestly glad they aren’t just going to ignore Ham’s disappearance. Ham the character deserves better than to be ruined by whatshisname the criminal.

Bex and Andi agree to accept that Ham’s doing what he needs to do, so let’s just all of us accept that and not push the issue too much.

Moving on! Celia found the perfect venue for the wedding!

Which is insane seeing as the wedding was supposed to be in a few weeks and the invitations were supposed to have been sent days ago already. What did the invites even say?

Anyway, don’t think about that, look at the alpacas!

Celia says the alpaca farm is a warm and inviting space. Celia’s very excited but everyone else is struggling. Bex looks at the alpacas wistfully. She says they should talk about it later.

But Celia realizes something is up and wants to know what. Bex starts to come clean.

At Cyrus’s, Jonah reads up on asteroids. He says one could hit Earth in 2071, which reminds him of the plot of The Sixth Sense for some reason.

Cyrus gets upset about the spoiler and then wants to know who Bruce Willis is. Come on. Isn’t he a student of cinema? He doesn’t know what Die Hard is? I’m irrationally angry about this.

Jonah wants to know when this event is happening and Cyrus says there’s no way to tell, so in the meantime...

Ah yes, charcuterie, which is, I believe, French for “chewy and dry.”

Jonah panics. You can’t bring meat on a camping trip, it attracts wild animals. Cyrus thinks he’s freaking out unnecessarily. They’re in Cyrus’s backyard. What kind of wildlife lives in the suburbs? And, on cue, suburban-dwelling wildlife makes noise right outside the tent.

Back at the restaurant, Celia gathers herself. She wants to know, yes or no, are Bex and Bowie getting married?

Disappointment washes over Celia. She’s upset they were just going to let her sit there and babble on about a wedding that wasn’t happening. Andi says they didn’t want to ruin her birthday and create a sad public situation.

You know, like this...

Celia snuffs out the candle the way her hopes for the wedding were snuffed out.

Back inside Cyrus’s tent, Cyrus and Jonah freak out about the wild animal that’s come sniffing for their bitter cheeses.

Cyrus is worried about going outside because he thinks a coyote will drag him off into the woods.

But Jonah tells him they just want his Banjo Kazooie. Jonah thinks they can chuck the meat away and run, but the zipper to the tent won’t open. They now think they’re stuck in the tent, but Cyrus comes up with a plan: cheese knife.

Cyrus’s attempts end as feebly as would be expected, so Jonah takes over and jabs the knife through the tent. He cuts a hole big enough to get his head through and peeks out. He doesn’t spot wildlife, but, just to be safe, he uses his frisbee skills, honed over a lifetime of practicing the ‘bee, and hucks the charcuterie board into Cyrus’s neighbor’s yard anyway.

Now, in real life, a wild toss like that would send meats and cheeses everywhere. Mostly all over Cyrus’s backyard.

But, for some reason, those meats and cheeses appear stapled down to that board, so they go sailing into the neighbor’s yard nice and clean.

The two hear footsteps retreating and feel the day is saved. Or, at least, it is for now until someone has to explain why a pack of timberwolves tore apart the Hendersons next door and left nothing but various bones and viscera and assorted cheeses and meats in their wake.

Cyrus and Jonah emerge from the tent and look towards the sky.

Just in time to spot a beautiful sight.

A Windows 95 screensaver! You know they say you can only spot one of those in the sky every 75 years.

You guys, I lost my mind at this. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

They must’ve blown their entire graphics budget on pasting Jonah’s face on everyone’s head in the dream wedding and this was like the best graphics that could be bought on whatever Terri Minsky had in her pockets that day. This is what you get when the show’s editors take part in “Bring your child to work day.”

Why include the two in the image at all? Just show the sky! They look like they’re glowing. I put this into photoshop and used the magic wand tool and it gave me a super clean cut-out of the two.

Cyrus and Jonah go sit down and watch the meteor shower.

Why didn’t they just buy stock footage of a meteor shower? I can’t deal with this.

Jonah asks what happened to that place in Russia but Cyrus says he’ll tell him tomorrow, once the adrenaline wears off.

The next day, Buffy and Marty get ready to marathon. Marty tries to warn Buffy: they should both do their own thing, run their own pace, not make this a race. This, as you might imagine, is ignored.

Buffy takes off running.

Bex, meanwhile, arrives home. Celia is giving her the silent treatment. She’s locked herself in her room and won’t come out. You know, like an adult.

Bex says Celia is beyond angry. Andi gets it.

Andi’s like, she can’t let it go. Bex says she has to. What is she going to do with it? If you’re not careful, Bex, she’s going to nail you in the back of the head with it when you’re not ready for it. Dodgeball!

Andi has an idea though. She going to take her to “a place” but she won’t tell Bex because "this place is not for you,” which is way too ominous a thing for a child to say. That’s the kind of thing that’s scratched into the stone above the entrance to an ancient tomb.

Back at the marathon, Buffy is... not doing well.

She probably went way too fast out the gates and burned through her energy. This is something you learn not to do in marathon training. Alas.

Marty catches up to her. And then catches her.

He helps her over to a bench. Buffy fights him but is just about out of energy. He says they should get her to a doctor, she tells him to go on without her. He doesn’t want to, so she starts laying into him.

I gotta say, not as catchy as Marty from the Party.

Marty finally relents and leaves her as a knockoff Imagine Dragons song plays.

Picture Minotaurs? Envision Griffins? Visualize Unicorns? Should I continue? Am I just doing this for myself at this point? Consider Werewolves. Ok, that’s the last one.

Andi brings Celia to the Rage Cage. She takes to it naturally.

It seems to work.

At the park, Marty comes running back to Buffy, who’s still lying on the bench. He accuses her of trying to “White Fang” him.

When Buffy tries to play dumb, Marty tells her she made him watch the movie. Why did Buffy make Marty watch a 30 year old Ethan Hawke movie that was like... fine? I don’t know, but the point is, he learned his lesson from it, which was that he had to come back for her even though she was mean to him.

Buffy’s like, so are we just going to sit here then?

So Marty runs, I guess, a huge chunk of a marathon with Buffy on his back.

They cross the finish line at 7+ hours and both get medals. Wait. Buffy gets a medal for riding on someone else’s back? I could do that! This whole time I’ve never attempted a marathon because I thought you had to run it. This opens a whole new world of possibilities to me. Can you like, ride a horse through a marathon? Do both you and the horse get medals?

Buffy thanks Marty and they walk off together.

Oh, now she can walk.

Back at the Rage Cage, Celia’s time is up. She’s fully bought into the rage life.

Andi hears someone else raging nearby and finds Amber. She’s crying.

Andi asks what’s wrong and Amber says it’s Jonah. He’s not doing enough. She’s the one who always has to text or call him but he’s not putting in the effort. Just the same six emojis.

Andi says maybe that’s the max you’ll get from Jonah, but Amber wonders if maybe it’s because he doesn’t really like her.

Andi says if she’s this unhappy, maybe she should break up with Jonah, but Amber can’t. Why?

Amber! Whoa! The L-Bomb?!

Reduce your speed! Hit the brakes! Pull the emergency brake! Pull it so hard you enter into a drift. Risk flipping the car if you have to because you are going way. Too. Fast.

Andi looks at her like, “Yikes.”

But not like a Yikes! yikes, more like an empathetic yikes.

Either way.

Yikes.

[rxcusant]

Lol explain Kingdom hearts to me. Like all of it. Cause I'm confused as fk. Not KH3 tho cause I'm still going through it.

buckle up lads

so theres a buncha keyblade masters called foretellers and theyre all runnin round like headless chickens cause their master disappeared and nobodys telling each other anything so they all start fightin (except this one guy luxu voiced by max mittleman, he grabbed a box and high tailed it outta there) and then it sparks a keyblade war for all the light in kingdom hearts i think ??? and then i legit forget what happens from here because i hate ux with every fiber of my being but it made this cool place called a keyblade graveyard, its pretty dope.

fast forward 1000 years and we got the cool wayfinder trio all living in land of departure about to take their mark of mastery except terra doesnt pass because Mark Hamil Said Darkness Sucks. also we meet this old guy Xehanort he kinda sucks a lot. theres these enemies called unversed rolling around and mark hamil tells aqua and terra to go stop them but ventus said HEY IM COMING TO and ran after terra so aquas left to be the mom to bring them both home idk and its revealed ventus is made of pure light and xehanort literally split the darkness form his heart and it made vanitas-- hes responsible for all the unversed, he sucks, we dont like him but we love him-- in an effort to forge this thing called the X-Blade (PRONOUNCED LIKE KEY BLADE I HATE THIS SERIES) that will open the door to kingdom hearts, and the x-blade can only be made when pure light and darkness clash, and like... restart the keyblade war and bring about balance?? idk. And xehanort wants to live long enough to see this happen so he literally possesses terras body. Cool! Just what the poor guy needed. Ven and vanitas fight and ven sacrifices himself so he goes to take a Very Long Nap and vanitas just dies like the bitch he is. But ven’s heart finds his way to baby 5yo sora who decides HEY ILL HOARD YOU IN MY HEART FOR THE NEXT 11 YEARS and thats why roxas looks like ventus. Aqua yeets him in the land of departure and then like..locks the world up and it turns into castle oblivion.  meanwhile terra and aqua punch each other and terras about to fall into a darkness pit but aqua sacrifces heself to get him out and so she ends up trapped there for 11 years and terra??is now terranort and has amnesia and this old dude Ansem The Wise finds him and adopts him and an apprentice. yeah. bet he wont regret that decision ; )

10 years later kh1 happens and sora and riku and kairi are chilling on destiny islands until it explodes and riku fucks off to the darkness and kairi fucks off to soras hearts -- i hope she said hi to ventus in there-- and sora ends up in traverse town where he meets donald and goofy. YOU SEE king mickey of disney castle also fucked off because worlds are disappearing to darkness and he left donald and goofy a note to go find The Key cause thatll help. so they do and they journey around with sora and become good buddies i love the trinity trio so much. eventually they meet riku at hollow bastion again and hes been posssessed by this dude Ansem whos not Ansem the Wise but is actually Xehanort’s Heartless (i hate this fucking series) and they find kairis comatose body chillin in the corner and they have a fight scene thats engraved in the memory of Everyone whos ever played PS2 KH1 KAIRI! KAIRI! OPEN YOUR EYES! ITS NO USE. THAT GIRL HAS LOST HER HEART. SHE CANNOT WAKE UP. oh my god why didnt they add a skip scene button. anyway they punch the possession outta riku and sora stabs himself with the keyblade to release kairis heart BUT it also releases his own heart which created his nobody, Roxas, who got vens heart???who thats why he looks like ven?? and it created namine who is kairis nobody because??i honestly forget i hate this goddamn series. anyway soras a heartless for a few minutes but kairi got her heart and life back and wanted to get some sweet sweet screentime and so she saved sora and restored him Thank you kairi. so sora dumps kairi off at traverse town and goes to give Ansem / Xehanort’s Heartless a good ol ass whopping ad they win and restore the worlds but kairi and sora are separated again I’LL COME BACK TO YOU, I PROMISE! I KNOW YOU WILL! WHEN YOU WALK AWAY YOU DONT HEAR ME SAY PLEAAAAAAASE OH BABYYY DONT GO oh also riku and king mickey and sora closed the door to kingdom hearts and trapped riku and mickey in the realm of darkness, that was a thing.

and then chain of memories happened. theyre in castle oblivion!!! whoa!! we meet the organization for the first time! whoa!!! we meet namine!! whoa!!! so like namine has sora-memory powers and can tinker with his memories and the memories of everyone hes connected to (AND HOLY FUCK IS THAT BOY CONNECTED TO A LOTTA PEOPLE NAMINE IS VERY POWERFUL) and the organization is making namine rewrite soras memories as he progresses throuhg castle oblivion to turn him into marluxias pawn so he cna use sora to like..overhtrow the organization, i think?? i hate this seriees. but it all works out in the end except soras memories are so scrambled he decides to sleep for a year to get all the right ones back. MEANWHILE RIKUS IN THE BASEMENT OF CASTLE OBLIVION and hes fighting his own demons i mean darkness i mean ansem i mean xehanorts heartless and he meet up with mickey a few times and then he meets DiZ and he also meets a replica of himself--yeah by the way the organization is making replicas, That Sure Wont Ever Be Referenced Again : )-- and its this game that rikus like YEAH I CAN USE THE DARKNESS AS POWER AND STRENGTH and HES GONNA WALK THE ROAD TO DAWN and then every riku rper put dawn in their url and i got confused trying to keep them all straight lord please help me im a little ol sammi

then we have 358/2 days for the DS which i never replayed cause it was tedious af which is all about the organization and roxas’s time in the organization and meeting his best buds axel and xion and saix standing in the corner being a jealous little binch PLEASE SAIX JUST BE NICE THEYLL GIVE YOU ICE CREAM TOO IF YOU ASK POLITELY Xion is another replica except shes a replica of sora but something got messed up and she got his memories of kairi which is why she looks like her but with black hair for whatever reason, i think nomura just wanted a cool goth girl to add to the series and we all thank him for it, and she and roxas become so close they kinda start influencing that weird memory shit going on and xion keeps trying to leave the organization to set things right but axel always gets stuck with the icky jobs and we got the iconic GO ON YOU JUST KEEP RUNNIN BUT ILL ALWAYS BE THERE TO BRING YOU BACK and i think around this time roxas is also super fed up with the organization and decides FUCK YALL IM DONE and punches saix and leaves. but xion finds him and they have a cool boss battle sequence got i love you xion you are a POWERHOUSE but roxas defeats her and she dies and its the saddest thing in the world AND NOBODY REMEMBERS HER WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT!!!! anyway roxas decides hes gonna punch kingdom hearts next cause it was xions last wish but riku, who is sporting a cool blindfold for edge, is like HEY WE NEED YOU TO WAKE UP SORA and roxas is all SORA THIS SORA THAT I DONT GIVE A FUCK and tey fight! and riku loses cause roxas has two keybladees! OBLIVION IS THE BEST KEYBLADE IT LOOKS SUPER COOL I LOVE IT SO MUCH WOW but riku rips off his blindfold and summons the darkness and he takes on ansems, xehanorts heartless, appearance and he squeezes roxas until he passes out and then they yeeted roxas into a data twilight town for a few days.

so enter kh2 with the 6 hours roxas tutorial in the data twilight town until he goes to find sora and returns to him. SO FINALLY AFTER AN ENTIRE YEAR sora wakes up with all his proper memories and so does donald and goofy and theyre like COOL LETS GO FIND RIKU AND KING MICKEY and they go journeying around the worlds again to stop the organization. meanwhile axels gettin desperate to see his best friend for life roxas again and kidnaps kairi but shes like HEY I AINT HAVING THAT and runs off and ends up in twilight town but axel finds her and kidnaps her anyway but then saix kidnaps her to the world that never was. and so soras like WE GOTTA GO SAVE KAIRI AND RIKU NOW cause by the way earlier like midpoint of the game maybe Mickey was like SAY FELLAS DID SOMEONE MENTION THE DOOR TO DARKNESS and its one of my favorite quotes in this hell franchise, so like THYE KNOW KING MICKEY IS OK that just leaves kairi and riku and stopping the organization. so they find kairi and they find riku and sora cries a bit and im just happy the destiny trio is together again. And DiZ showed up again, hes actually ansem the wise, and he talks about computers and hearts and research and xemnas, the organizations leader, is likeI WAS YOUR APPRENTICE! BUT YOU DIDNT LET ME DO ILLEGAL HUMAN EXPERIMENT SON HEARTS SO I KICKED YOU OUT AND RREMOVED MY OWN HEART AND THATS WHY THERES A HEARTLESS AND A NOBODY OF XEHANORT and ansem the wise is like YEAH BITCH and he explodes and riku turns back to normal but he also really needs a haircut. so they go punch xemnas in his zebra coat and riku and sora chill in the realm of darkness for about ten minute son the beach, i guess aqua was hanging out somewhere else, and they get a message form kairi in a bottle and the door to light opens and they go home and it was literally!!!!! a better fucking ending!!!! than kh3!!!!!!!!! thats my tea!!!!!!

so then we have KH3D, dream drop distance, which begins telling us ‘hey when you kill a heartless and a nobody that person is gonna be recompleted so uhhhhh xehanorts coming back Thats Not Good, make sora and riku do their mark of mastery test in the realm of sleep to get the power of waking’ and thats the whole game but its great because flowmotion! dream eaters!  TWEWY TWEWY TWEWY T W E W Y!!!!!! playable riku!!! fun worlds!!! soriku!!! except KH3D’s fatal flaw is THEY INTRODUCED TIME TRAVEL INTO THIS FUCKING COMPLEX HELL HOLE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR THAT. anyway rikus been doing a great hecking job!!!! except sora ended up in twtnw and kept chasing the dreams into the deepest pit of slumber and the organization broke his heart so they use him as one of xehanorts vessels [gesutres to my blog with will smith arms] yeeah babey. and riku is understandably like HEY GIVE ME MY FRIEND BACK and xehanort is like FUCK OFF TWINK and mickey and donald and goofy and axel, whos been recompleted as lea, arrive and steal comatose sora back form xehanort and xehanort monologues about the X-Blade split into 20 pieces- 7 of light, 13 of darkness- and so hes gonna make 13 vessels of darkness with his heart inside them and the guardians of light gotta gather 7 lights to clash and bringg about the keyblade war or bring about kingdom hearts, i-- i literally hate this series so much Why do you think i went on a year long hiatus??? i needed to calm the fuck down-- either way xehanort yeets off with his darknesses and soras STILL comatose and rikus like I WILL DIVE INTO HIS SLEEP AND SAVE HIM BECAUSE DEARLY BELOVED IS PLAYING AND if i continue this joke someones bound to get mad at me for ‘’’pushign a soriku agenda’’’ BUT YKNOW WHAT, RIKUS A REAL MVP AND PUNCHES A NIGHTMARE VEN AND SAVES SORA AND SORA HUGS HIM AND ITS GREAT AND I LOVE MY SONS SO MUCH and the kh3d ends with them saying ‘hey look kairis gonna do something!’ but Little Did We Know.

and thats your summary of what the fuck happened in kingdom hearts. i hate this game so much.

[jennycalendar]

i’m thinking about my ideal slow burn giles/jenny again so here have my various headcanons re: how that’d play out through s2.

this got. incredibly long. so i’m putting it under a cut

ok. right after i robot, which is the puppet show, which is probably my favorite episode of btvs ever for reasons i still cannot figure out, there’s like....one scene at the end where jenny’s in the audience next to giles during the horrible monologues. this serves both to 1) remind us of jenny’s existence and 2) imply that giles may or may not have made a friend on staff, which is pretty cool.

canon s1 stays about the same after that, but s2 doesn’t start with moony eyes and jenny wearing soft pastels!! instead of snyder showing up to make a cameo that heightens the twosome-of-cuteness vibe, we literally just see giles and jenny walking up the steps to school together while jenny complains about having to come back (”i nearly got eaten before senior prom...god, i hate that i can say that sentence”) and giles asks, “then why did you come back?” there’s sort of a weird, tense beat where jenny looks genuinely uncomfortable (foreshadowing angelus WAY earlier in the season, bc jenny’s involvement is very clearly something that the writers came up with as some weird contrived Extra Thing so let’s make it less of a plot device) and then she comes up with some really awful excuse that leaves giles a little puzzled n frustrated.

jenny and giles go to the football game together as investigative buddies, making her a legit scooby based on merit instead of the fact that she’s dating giles, and they argue through most of the game about whether or not going to the game was even necessary in the first place. xander and willow show up and immediately start teasing them about being on a date. jenny laughs it off but giles looks MORTIFIED

they keep. on. arguing. literally every episode there’s a jenny/giles argument about something inane and stupid, even if it lasts for only a few seconds before one of the scoobies tells them to Please Stop. but the thing is, these arguments aren’t actually aggressive & passionately angry like in s1? it’s more annoyed than anything, and slowly the arguments start transitioning into actual logical discussions

sjlksdljk this in itself is transitioning into an imagine-if-canon-had-treated-jenny-like-her-own-character post but jenny’s scenes aren’t restricted to scenes with giles. she shows up in her own scenes too, and as time goes on, those scenes get significantly more foreboding bc the angelus arc is coming up

in the dark age, things mostly go the same. except jenny and giles aren’t dating, so the dazed hug is a little weird, and jenny coming on to giles is something that’s immediately met with suspicion & then Full-Out Panic. of course jenny’s fine, but she’s incredibly distant around giles; even though she doesn’t leave the scoobies, things are tense n weird between them (heightened by the fact that giles has suddenly realized that he may have slightly romantic feelings for jenny, and. that’s worthy of some more panic actually)

jenny gets a scene after the dark age where she thanks angel for saving her life. it’s very awkward and stilted and she doesn’t really look at him when she says it, and at the end of that episode, you overhear a phone conversation between her and her uncle re: angel being redeemable (more foreshadowing!!! more narrative coherency!!!!)

meanwhile giles is fucking hopeless. he’s not asking jenny out bc he wants to give her as much space as possible and he also is starting to really value their friendship (which has by this point become something that is surprisingly sweet & supportive) but he keeps on getting all blushy and shy whenever she compliments him. jenny hasn’t noticed this at all bc in this canon, her priorities aren’t just him, they’re him and willow and buffy and sometimes xander and yeah, even angel, which is freaking her out way too much for her to notice that her best friend is into her

oh yeah. giles and jenny are best friends. that happened at some point and there’s definitely a staff meeting (probably during ted, which also goes differently!! because that episode is a horror show!!) where they’ve sort of teamed up to argue with everyone else instead of each other.

and then all the stuff goes down with angelus.

it’s not actually a surprise this time around though? because there’s been a lot of hinting and a lot of ominousness surrounding jenny’s character, so instead of it being this Big Dramatic Reveal that jenny was Evil All Along, the episode actually has a subplot that focuses on her stress and her newfound worry and compassion for angel and the Big Dramatic Reveal is actually that jenny was Good All Along.

the “betrayal” arc goes...relatively the same at first, but then shifts a little? i’m very firmly of the mind that jenny, incredibly emotionally guarded, still would decide that she could Handle Things On Her Own and keep her motives secret, but when she finds out that angel could lose his soul, she kinda panics and throws herself into research re: how to actually stop that from happening. and that’s where buffy finds her, and they have a initially angry confrontation that kinda ends when buffy realizes that jenny was trying to figure out a way to somehow help and only recently found out about the happiness clause. so.

here’s a twist: everyone’s able to forgive jenny but giles. buffy is still sad and hurt and furious, but she and jenny actually become weirdly closer bc jenny’s always incredibly reassuring and tells her lots of stories about all her awful old boyfriends (+ a few of her girlfriends), and this kinda hurts giles, because he wants to be there for buffy too! and anyway jenny lied to all of them, so why should buffy care so much about what jenny has to say? most of it all really stems from the fact, though, that this was the first time in a very long time that he Trusted Someone and then it turned out that she was keeping secrets and he is just really, really hurt by that. so their relationship turns contentious and strained again and it’s kind of awful and sad.

but then comes passion. jenny’s been staying late at the library working on researching possibly ways to re-soul angel, albeit much more above board and non-secretive than in canon, and this time around giles is the one who gets a talking-to from buffy, only what she wants him to know is that she misses him being there for her and she wishes he wasn’t always arguing with ms. calendar because she kinda needs her watcher right now. and that’s kinda a wake-up call for giles--that jenny’s been doing the job of a watcher while he’s been sulking--so he heads back to school to apologize,

and nearly collides with a terrified jenny, right before he sees angelus close behind. giles grabs jenny’s hand and they run to his car, taking off at a probably-illegal speed. he ends up staying at jenny’s apartment that night; his house isn’t safe. there’s a very quiet, very sweet scene between them where they finally make up, followed by a hug that comes dangerously close to becoming a kiss. kind of a landmark moment for both of them; jenny realizes that she might be into giles, giles realizes that he’s in love with jenny. basically jenny’s really behind the curve

the resouling ritual happens the next episode!! it’s sort of a subplot going on (complete with lots of awkward shy mutual pining between giles & jenny), and at the end of the episode, it’s revealed that angel has gotten his soul back. which is a good thing, but also kinda bad, because he has to legitimately address a lot of the stuff that he’s done & attempted to brush under the rug

angel and jenny have another conversation during the episode after that, which is probably a two-part season finale. this one’s more about responsibility & sacrifice & what you owe to the people you hurt, and they both kinda get something from it. angel tells buffy that he loves her, but that he needs to actually figure himself out and start making amends to the people he hurt in whatever ways he can, and buffy’s devastated by this but she does eventually understand. he decides to leave sunnydale, but it’s left very open-ended; he might come back again someday (and probably does, but that’s another story)

meanwhile, jenny’s been ordered to follow angel out of sunnydale, and spends the last episode of s2 giving the concept some serious thought while angel prepares to leave. she knows that it’s her familial responsibility to do so, and she knows she could do a lot of good helping angel fight evil, but she also really hates the thought of leaving sunnydale.

of course, she brings the concept up to giles, who Definitely Does Not Want Jenny To Leave, but also doesn’t want to come off as clingy. he stumbles through a weird, stammery version of a pros and cons list and inadvertently admits that she’s incredibly important to him, which is. a lot for jenny to take in. she decides to talk to buffy, who’s kinda projecting a little, and who is Very Adamant about jenny being needed in sunnydale (it’s v clearly implied that buffy is feeling frightened & abandoned & wants someone to stay) particularly for giles’s sake.

jenny kinda takes this in and decides to stay. this is all a subplot to the buffy/angel goodbye and how buffy’s handling angel’s leaving so it’s a small decision, but still a noticeable one. the end scene is in the library again with all the scoobies gathered around the table, and if you look very closely, you’ll notice jenny reach out and take giles’s hand.

[theliterateape]

Book Club Made Me Read It | The Changeling

By Kari Castor

I’m a member of a small, informal, friends, and friends-of-friends book club. We try to read one book every 5 five weeks or so. The rules are simple: Everyone gets an opportunity to pick a book for the book club to read. Each member must pick a book that they have not personally read before and each member is responsible for leading the discussion after we read their selection. Sometimes the books are good. Sometimes they are not. I review them here regardless of their quality.

I’m a bitch and don’t care about ruining the experience for you, so I’m going to include spoilers whenever I please. That’s your only warning. Proceed at your own risk.

The Changeling by Victor LaValle

Sigh. I wanted to like this one. I thought I was going to like this one. Hell, I did rather like the first 128 pages of this one, which makes it a real shame when the whole thing shits the bed in the final two-thirds.

Here’s the problem: Victor LaValle’s The Changeling is not a novel. It is at least three separate stories that are loosely stitched together into some vague semblance of a novel. It is an effective and frightening novella stretched into an increasingly disappointing novel. It is a bunch of ideas, about parenthood and family legacies and the dangers of the internet, with which the author would like to whack you about the head. It is a heavy-handed fairy tale that bemoans the heavy-handedness of fairy tales.

The first 128 pages are primarily the story of a relationship. Apollo Kagwa’s father left when he was a child, and he has felt the loss echo acutely across his life. Apollo meets, woos, and marries Emma Valentine, and they have a child. Apollo is deliriously happy to be a father, and he vows to be everything to his own son that he wishes his father could have been to him. Meanwhile, Emma slips increasingly into darkness and despair, refusing to call baby Brian by his name, refusing to care for him, insisting that he isn’t Brian at all. Apollo and Emma’s relationship grows antagonistic. Frustrated and angry at her inability to snap out of it, he pushes her away and devotes himself wholly to Brian. Emma’s presence in the story (which is told primarily from Apollo’s perspective) begins to feel more like that of a malevolent spirit than of a co-parent and partner. And then one day, Apollo wakes up chained with a bike lock to a steam pipe in their apartment and a kettle is whistling on the stove, and Brian is wailing in his bedroom. And Emma, Emma who has been insisting that the baby is wrong, takes a hammer to Apollo’s face and the kettle of boiling water to Brian’s room with the words, “It’s not a baby.”

And holy shit if this book had ended right there, I’d be writing a very different review right now. The vibrancy of their early relationship with each other, the slow creep of horror as things become more and more wrong in the Kagwa-Valentine household, the awful question of whether Emma might actually be right, the visceral brutality of the final scenes… It works. It’s good.

Unfortunately, the book doesn’t end there. Instead, it takes one of the dullest turns for the fantastical that I’ve ever encountered.

The narrative continues after a time skip: Baby Brian is dead and buried, and Emma is missing, a fugitive from the law. Apollo, a used-bookseller, sells a rare book to a weird nerd who says he hopes to win his wife back with an extravagant gift, and then the nerd tells Apollo that he knows Emma is alive, and that his internet friends helped track her down. Apollo thinks this is great news, because he wants to kill Emma himself for murdering their child, so he and the weird nerd go on an adventure together to a magical island on the East River inhabited by women and children. The women there all, like Emma, killed their babies on the basis of a belief that it wasn’t their baby. Apollo starts to believe this fake baby thing might hold some water after all, and then we find out that his weird nerd buddy is actually a bad guy and the evidence of his badness is that… he killed his baby. Yeah, I know, but you see, he killed his real baby and not his fake baby, and that makes all the difference. Anyway, then his mysterious bad guy friends show up to wreak havoc and everyone flees the island and none of it really matters.

The whole island episode is about one hundred pages long and could be lifted entirely out of the book with no real loss to the plot.

I should probably curb my impulse to continue summarizing the absolutely whack plot of this book, in large part because I’m afraid that the short version will make it sound much more interesting than it actually is, but the whole thing ends with Apollo finding Emma, who is a witch now, and they fuck and get back together without ever bothering to have a conversation about the fact that she hammered his fucking face in and maybe they should look for a couples counselor or something. Also, a troll has been trying to raise the real not-dead baby Brian, so Apollo and Emma kill the troll and get their baby back and also murder both the weird nerd who bought the rare book and the nerd’s dad, but not before the dad does a straight-up Bond-villain exposition dump to explain everything about how a troll emigrated to New York with a bunch of Norwegians in the 1820s and now his family is responsible for stealing real babies and replacing them with fake changeling babies, so the troll can try to raise the real babies (except it always fucks up and eats them instead).

The book… takes one of the dullest turns for the fantastical that I’ve ever encountered.

Meanwhile, there’s a B-plot about Apollo’s absent father, which eventually reveals that Apollo’s dad tried to kill him (in a fit of If I can’t have him, no one gets to.) as a toddler. Also, Emma’s mom tried to kill her and her sister as part of a murder-suicide. Basically this book is an exercise in How many subplots and backstories centered on the themes of ‘family secrets’ and ‘violence committed by parents in the name of their children’ can I cram into a single book? There is a distinct lack of subtlety at work in this book.

Much to-do is made about the dangers of posting things on Facebook (people will know things about you!), which mostly reads as though it is written by someone who has never actually used Facebook himself but asked his friend to tell him about it. The book twice uses the exact same metaphor about how dangerous it is: That putting stuff about your life on the internet is like inviting a vampire into your home — you’ve compromised your safety by making your private world accessible to the monsters. One of the villains (the aforementioned weird nerd) is an internet troll working in cahoots with an actual troll. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough to convey my exasperation with this.

There’s a bunch of miscellaneous shit that seems like it’s meant to be symbolic or important but just… isn’t. There’s a room that has four space heaters in it, which seems like it’s an important detail given how many times the extreme heat in the room is referenced, but it turns out the only reason there are four space heaters in that room is that the plot requires a way for Apollo and Emma set a house fire later, and four space heaters fits the bill nicely. Another example: The narration specifically remarks upon a headstone with the name Catherine Linton on it, at the cemetery where not-Brian is buried, but it doesn’t appear to mean anything... Did the author intend some symbolic significance there that he failed to convey? (At best, I can come up with some loose connection to the general “fucked up families” theme that runs rampant in The Changeling.) Is it supposed to be a fun little easter egg for the lit nerd who recognizes that name as a character from Wuthering Heights? Is it just “Look at how smart I am, I can drop in random literary references” masturbatory bullshit?

Honestly, an extraordinary amount of stuff happens in this book, and most of it is a mix of astonishingly boring and ham-fisted. It tries really hard to weave an epic modern fairy tale about parenthood, but there are too many abrupt left turns into entirely new plots and not enough cohesion and interweaving of threads throughout the whole tale. Classic fairy tales can do that sort of thing and still work in no small part because they’re short, but this is a 430-page book, which is actually just several ideas for different novellas loosely Frankensteined together, and all of them end up being less interesting collectively than any one of them might have been on its own.

MY RATING: 2/5 stars

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR: Writing a solid 128-page novella about a woman who might have serious postpartum depression or might actually have identified that her baby is a changeling and no one else can see it.

PLEASE NO MORE: Everything after page 128.

SHOUT-OUT TO: Victor LaValle's Destroyer, which is a comic book unrelated to The Changeling aside from the fact that it has the same author. But the full title of the comic book is legit Victor LaValle's Destroyer, which is just… awful. Why would you do that? Sorry Victor LaValle, but you’re nowhere near good enough or famous enough to justify putting your own name as a possessive in the title, and I don’t care if it’s your fault or the publisher’s fault, fuck everyone involved in that decision.

[davidfostercomedyblog]

Secret Shopper: The Only Time I Unknowingly Broke the Law

Before he was outed as a rapist Bill Cosby had a great bit about parenting (many actually) where he declared that if you only have one child then you can’t fully know the experience of being a parent… because you always know who to blame.

 I’ve applied a loose parallel to job hunting: If you’ve never job hunted without a present job or savings and/or with someone else sheltering you, you cannot fully know the experience of job hunting. I myself was in that more fortunate, unknowing group for most of my life, until I moved to L.A. with no money or contacts, only hopes and dreams, figuring it was good that originality doesn’t much sell these days.

 Real job hunting becomes a perpetually desperate state of panic, albeit within the pragmatic reality of “Groundhog Day:” Wake, eat, Craigslist, click, copy, paste, attach, send, repeat, repeat, repeat 50-100x over the course of 6-12 hours interrupted by naps and more food, exercise or masturbation or both, and occasionally either proactive motivation or cabin fever will be the impetus to a ride around town, just popping into places the old fashioned way: “Wanted to see if you guys might be hiring.”

 I once walked in to every front desk in an office building on Hollywood Blvd., feeling like Will Smith in Pursuit of Happyness (sans the racial handicap and ultimate success), and one guy took me in for an interview on the spot. He was so excited and sweet in what I’d come to identify as a very L.A. kind of way. Unfortunately I didn’t get “the job.” To be honest I don’t know if there even were any jobs, or if so which I was applying for. I went home. More masturbation – I mean exercise.

 One guy from a Craigslist link kept calling me back, Brian Cooper, and he couldn’t have sounded more like the character, “Douchebag” had he been reading for it in an audition up the block.

 “Yeah man, yeah, David, right?! So sorry, bro’, sorry I haven’t gotten back to ya, it’s just been crazy here, absolutely crazy. I got a job for you though, dude, I definitely do. Easy money, not alotta work! Sound good?”

 I said it sounded good, even though he didn’t. He was fake and flaky (can’t spell flaky without fake!) and nothing thus far had worked out, so why should I expect any different? Nevertheless, consistent with my equally pathetic online dating pursuits I followed up and returned Brian’s calls and eventually, also similar to dating pursuits, it sorta kinda briefly paid off.

 Apparently Brian worked for big companies, the likes of Apple and Verizon, which at least explained the “easy money, not alotta work,” platitude. His department was customer service review, not something that I’d really ever heard of, but it sounded like a thing, plus what about any of corporate America had I ever heard of? I was desperate and broke – not “broke” like the people who can’t afford the vacation or car they want and have to be mindful about their budget and spending on eating out. Actually broke: There’s no money. Credit cards maxed out, parents have no money and I’m borrowing $50 or $100 from various friends to put together this month’s rent, shoplifting toothpaste and every meal is either homemade rice and avocado or taco truck food. Broke(n).

 This experience is a small part of the reason why I’ve become more generous with the homeless. Whether conscious of it or not I think we’re all guilty of believing laziness or self-destruction are ingredients that lead most people to homelessness. Meanwhile at this stage in my life I had a B.A. and Master’s degree, had worked as hard as I possibly could every week of my life, appeared on HBO and Showtime as a comedian, won competitions in national festivals, and I had nothing. I digress.

 The job title Brian offered was “Secret Shopper.”

 “I’m gonna assign you to a team, you guys just drive around all day, scout different locations to make purchases, go in and review your experience with the staff. Sound easy enough? You’re a comedian, so I know you’re a good judge of character, right?”

 “Haha, yeah, totally.”

 I never understood this – even the positive stereotypes that get assigned to comics by the infinite ass hats trudging over our Godforsaken planet. Is a Master’s degree in Psychology suddenly prerequisite for a career in stand-up comedy? How do you know I’m a good judge of character? What if I’m the worst comedian in the world?

 No matter. Beggars can’t be choosers, and I was the closest to being literally a beggar I’d ever been. The job was to meet up with Cici at the Starbucks in North Hollywood tomorrow morning, and basically follow her lead, driving around all day, assessing… customer service?

 The whole thing was suspicious, and as I sat in front of the café, dutifully early, sipping my morning coffee, taking in the lovely L.A. morning that never got old, I grew “cautiously eager” (caffeinated) to see how this would play out.

 Finally Cici called.

 “David.”

 “Hey, yeah. Is this Cici?”

 “Oh hi, it’s Cici.”

 Right. Anyway…

 “Hey.”

 “Are you there?”

 “Yeah, I’m sitting here in front having coffee. Are you--?”

 “Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes. Can you meet me in back, in the parking lot? The whole crew is there waiting already. I’ll be in a red Toyota, okay?”

 “Yeah, sure, no problem.”

 “Okay, thanks. I’ll see you soon.”

 I made my way to the back parking lot and noticed a crew of young adults standing around who seemed to not be saying much to one another, thus were probably unfamiliar with one another, thus probably fellow beggars in a work crew.

 “Hey. Are you guys waiting for Cici?”

 “Yeah,” one of them barely offered, and I noticed they were uncharacteristically unfriendly for L.A. A young white heavy metal-looking guy and a pretty young black girl, and I immediately wondered if they were a couple, and should I be jealous of the guy? Finally was an enormous young black dude, and he was the only one who didn’t look downright miserable, instead wearing a confused, dumbfounded expression that I imagined mimicked my own. He was the only one who smiled when I shook his hand.

 “How you doing, man? Charles.”

 I immediately liked him. The others I did not.

 “John (Preston).”

 And: “Hi, I’m Rien.”

 Ugh.

 John took out a cigarette and Rien took out her phone and apparently we’d go on as strangers. It’s obviously a cliché, but I immediately felt empowered by being from New York, especially having run in mildly criminal circles as a teenager. The whole situation was suspect, and I figured the smart thing to do was gather information. Fortunately we live in a day and age where it’s considered socially acceptable, even expectable, to ignore all physically present beings in exchange for typing on our phones so I opened up my note app and began slyly recording whatever I could.

 Rien drove a Prius, just like everyone else in L.A. who didn’t drive a Benz. License was Vermont (vomit): FTX504.

 Cici finally arrived in a red Toyota Yaris, license: 7CDF875.

 “Hey guys, sorry I’m late, Jason (Cruz) kept me at the office to determine our plan for the day. We just had some delays.”

 “Oh, no problem,” Rien’s tone had changed, perked up for Cici, and I wondered if it meant Cici was the boss or Rien was just especially turned off by me. I assumed a bit of both.

 “Are you David?” Cici extended her hand and was at least a bit more pleasant.

 “And Charles?”

 They shook hands and I was ecstatic to not be the only new guy.  

 “You guys are gonna roll with me.”

 Even more ecstatic. Let the love birds pout off in the Vermont-mobile while I get to roll with the homeys whose cheekbones and outer lips at least raise upward.

 First stop was Ralph’s, some stupid L.A. supermarket chain, though I had no idea why we were there. Where were we going on this mission? Would there not be places to stop and eat? Was an earthquake in the forecast? Did we need supplies?

 “Wait here,” Cici requested. “I’m just going to run in and get a drink real quick.”

 “No problem,” Charles passively mumbled, but I said nothing, and if I’d been a cartoon my eyebrows would’ve been raising to inhuman heights, eyeballs popping out of their sockets with frazzle lines around my neck and shoulders.

 We just came from a Starbucks. Now she realizes she wants a drink and feels she has to get it from a Goddamn Ralph’s. Ya suspect!

 I decided it was past time that I ingratiate myself with my fellow inmate.

 “So this is your first day doing this too?”

 “First day, bro. I’m in it with you.”

 “Right, right.” I paused, not wanting to let on my suspicion too quickly, because what if he’s lying too?

 “You ever done this before though? Like for any other company?”

 “What, like secret shopper job?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Nah. I heard of it though. Couple of my friends done it. Supposedly an easy way to make some extra cash, which I definitely need…”

 I believed him. I couldn’t tell you why, except that I liked Charles and he just felt sincere. He was a tech guy by trade with a passion for comic books and other typical nerd things, and in spite of being from Compton everything about him fit the bill. He wore glasses and an unkempt afro and when I mentioned my Master’s in Chinese Medicine he told me about his hyper-reactive skin conditions. If he was in on it – that is, if there was an “it” in the first place, Charles’ performance was exceptional and he should have been at Central Casting, not working as a secret shopper or whatever the hell we were doing.

 I paused again. I thought of my HBO appearance, and how I didn’t have any shows booked yet for the week. How did I get here?

 I turned to Charles: “Don’t you think this is kind of weird though?”

 “What?”

 “This. I mean, I dunno. This whole thing. Why are we at a supermarket right now?”

 “So she could get a drink.”

 “Right, yeah.”

 Longer pause. “You think this is legit though?”

 “Yeah, man, secret shopper,” and he shrugged his shoulders so matter-of-factly that I was almost convinced. In any case it’s not like it’d be my first time breaking the law and I definitely didn’t feel in danger. I know we can’t assign any one individual as representation for an entire city, but I did think it was funny how the black guy (from Compton) was taking everything they said at face value and the white guy (from New York) was constantly peaking over his shoulder in criminal paranoia. Cici eventually returned from her suspiciously long drink purchase, which immediately changed the topic of conversation.

 Cici was mildly attractive and had an accent, something Eastern European, and I at least appreciated how chatty she was. As a matter of fact everyone was, making for a pretty fun drive-around dynamic and for a brief moment I felt almost happy and optimistic, a passing feeling that would become eerily familiar for me out west. For the moment I sat back and enjoyed the ride.

 We arrived at some Verizon store on Ventura Blvd. and Cici took out a piece of paper for me to review before going in. A customer survey without any real official-looking branding on it.

 “These are the questions to keep in mind when you go in, okay?” she instructed.

 “How quickly were you greeted by the Verizon professional?”

“Were all of your questions promptly and fully answered?”

“Was there anything about your experience today you would change in the future?”

 It was as if they’d copied it out of every online survey I’d ever seen, but then again, so is every online survey I’ve ever seen.

 “Take this credit card,” and Cici gave me what looked like a fake credit card, though I think it was just prepaid and/or some corporate thingamajig that impoverished luddites like myself know nothing about. Nevertheless, there was a fake name on it, which Cici quickly addressed.

 “Do you think you can sign that name when they give you the receipt?”

 “Yes, I can.”

 “Okay, so as soon as we get the green light you’re gonna go in and buy the new iphone 5s, okay? All the features, take whatever they offer in extra data, applications, everything, okay? Because we need a full assessment. But you can’t let on that you work for Verizon. Just play it totally straight. If you get confused or you think they know you’re a secret shopper just leave the store and call me, got it?”

 “Yup, no problem.”

 It reminded me of my work as a hidden camera actor on MTV eight years prior, though that was a much better job, and you know… relatable to my passion. Nevertheless it was useful experience in deceitful teamwork, strategy and of course, acting, albeit in a different context.

 I waited for the green light, went inside and told the customer service professional what I wanted. He was young and eager to help, eager to sell, even more so than his east coast counterparts, surely not as accustomed to as much attitude or rejection. I had no idea whether or not I was breaking the law, but my conscience was clear. I was a desperate man without a dollar to my name and as far as I knew just doing my job. What’s more, it felt nice to have money to spend, for the first time in my life to not feel like I had to duck and dodge every additional offer and feature, to not have to get the most affordable option and decline everything extra since I could barely even afford the basic device. Of course nothing about the phone was mine, but still, it made the shopping experience more pleasant to be able to appease the young lad surely working at least partially off commission. I followed all of Cici’s instructions, forged some asshole’s name and walked out of the store with some fully loaded adult toy that I couldn’t care less about, but made my “boss” very happy. 1 for 1!

 “Okay, your turn, Charles.”

 Cici got on her phone and laptop to report back to home base and prepare for the next secret shopper and my nerves calmed down much like they did in the wake of so many shoplifting successes in adolescence.

 “How was it man?” Charles asked.

“Fine. I, uhh… I bought a phone.”

 He laughed.

 “Cool.”

 “Okay,” Cici, chimed in. “I’m gonna give you a different credit card now, obviously (obviously), but you’re going to get the same thing, okay? Same exact thing. Because we want to see if your experience is any different, and honestly it helps that you’re African American.”

 Ugh, these fucking Californians and their “African American.” Haha!

 Charles and I laughed, and Cici scrambled to support her rationale.

 “No, seriously though, it’s important for employee review. That’s why we paired the two of you together and Rien and John. We have to know if any of these assholes are racist of course.”

 For a moment I was convinced. Maybe I wasn’t a part of some low frequency, slime bucket criminal enterprise and hadn’t just committed petit larceny. Maybe Cici and Brian and Charles and I really all worked for Verizon and we were doing the Lord’s work of seeing to it that one of the planet’s most powerful conglomerates could become more powerful via the fair and responsibly receptive treatment of its millions of inadvertently enslaved customers. Maybe. And maybe Rien and John weren’t a couple after all.

 We waited for over an hour in the car to give Charles the green light, but I never got bored, also figured we were getting paid by the hour. The weather was great, car windows were open and I felt great. We talked about astrology and comedy and Chinese Medicine – okay, I guess I was steering most of the conversation, but Charles and Cici were eager participants and whenever they got distracted by the job or a call came in from headquarters I pounced with the corners of my eyes.

 Cici would open her laptop to communicate over email with one person while she spoke on her headset with someone else. Her email was cicimissy84@gmail.com and she wrote to Justin Stevensen, who was supposedly the man in charge. Finally Charles got the go ahead and headed into the store.

 “Good luck, man!” Don’t get arrested, I exclaimed silently to myself.

 There was more confusion with Charles’ mission than there was mine. He kept having to come out and get more information, and finally even needed a different credit card. Fuckin’ nerd, I thought.

 After a bunch of confusion it worked out and Charles finally exited with another fully loaded, fancy new phone. He was sweating, wiping the beads from his brow as he collapsed back into the back seat, but I assumed this had as much to do with his weight problem as any nerves or apprehension. After all, Charles’ conscience was even cleaner than mine. “Secret shopper,” right?

 Cici then burned rubber, screeching tires out of the parking lot and pulled out a loaded .45, emptying the clip through the sunroof into the air as we made off with our new devices. No, she didn’t. We quietly pulled back on to the road and headed for the next destination, Encino shopping mall.

 Nothing happened at the mall. A lot of waiting and talking and walking around and checking in with Justin Stevensen, but no green lights and no more purchases for the day. Cici said she was happy with our performances – that we both proved worthy of, achem… “employment,” and asked if we were both free to work tomorrow.

 “Sure,” both pathetic souls replied, and I was thrilled to be paired up with Charles.

 “Since today was a trial I’m going to pay you in cash now, but tomorrow will count as the start of your employment, which means you’ll get a check in the mail next week, cool?”

 Yes!

 By the time we got back to Starbucks it was 8pm, a long day but so fucking easy. Cici handed me $120 cash and had me fill out a W2 in the car, and gradually I was becoming more convinced. I just wasn’t sure what was less conceivable – that such a job actually existed or that I could actually fall ass backwards into such a good situation. I decided it was too late to hit the comedy clubs and instead chose to head home and get a good night’s sleep for more secret shopping.

 The next day brought more of the same, but this time we forewent Starbucks and just met at the first location, another Verizon store in Westwood, a wealthier, more bourgeouis part of town. This time Sir Charles would go first. He successfully bought another cell phone and I awaited my green light that never came. For some undisclosed reason we had to move on to another location.

 We trekked all the way to some mall in Ventura and my mission was to purchase an ipad from the Apple store. The clerks, true to form, could not have possibly been more friendly and helpful, but we kept hitting a roadblock. It seemed that my credit card required some kind of passcode that neither I, nor Cici, nor Justin Stevensen upon follow-up communication, could provide. Twice I had to scramble back to the car and report what was going wrong and twice I returned to the Apple store for unsuccessful re-tries.

 “No problem,” Cici sighed. “That’s not your fault,” she said, as if I needed to hear it.

 I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for 13 years. If you think a purchase rejection at the Apple store rattles me you’re out of your fuckin’ mind.

 I reclined back in my chair and spent the rest of the ride home inquiring to Charles about how to convert the format of some video footage I needed to edit. Charles seemed to know just about everything about technology, and I think we both looked forward to a mutually beneficial friendship, he for my tech issues, me for his dermatological ones. Cici seemed a bit stressed and I couldn’t have cared less. Still, when she dropped us off at our cars Cici was pleasant and appreciative.

 “Brian’s gonna contact you either tomorrow or this weekend and let you know your days for next week, okay? And your check should go out tomorrow.”

 “Sounds good. Thanks Cici! Have a good weekend, y’all.”

 They wished me the same, and I was off. I was happy, even optimistic. This job was weird, but seemed more legitimate and innocent with each day, and so perfectly fit my needs. Money, first of all, and a part time gig with free evenings to do my shows. At $120/day and my present rent I could work four or even three days a week and get by. I was grateful. And then, I never heard from them ever again.

 I gave Brian a call over the weekend and got no answer. I followed up on Monday and got voicemail again. When the following Friday came and went with no check arriving I couldn’t have been less surprised. I realized of all people I’d forgotten to get Charles’ contact info and had no idea what his last name was to search Facebook.  

 While unemployed with no friends or girls, minimal stage time and no resources with which to enjoy life one has plenty of down time, which I’d intermittently use to call or email Brian or Cici. First my messages claimed to be just following up for my check, but after a while I began unapologetically saying I knew what they were up to, reciting their license plate numbers and email addresses. I should have reported them to the cops, but just didn’t have the energy, nor desire or time. I needed a job.

 Several months later I missed a call from a strange number, checked the voicemail and it was Charles! I was so happy he’d kept my card, not as happy to hear the news.

 “I got arrested.”

 “What?!”

 “I got arrested, bro’. That whole secret shopper thing turned out to be a scam (ya don’t say, Charles?), and I got bagged last month trying to buy a laptop in another Apple store. I had no idea what was going on and when I tried to tell them about Cici and them they just all played dumb, like they didn’t know me. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind testifying for me, you know? Or at least go on the record that I wasn’t in on it and my lawyer said I could plea, and hopefully it won’t have to go to court. They’ll just knock it down to shoplifting or whatever.”

 “Of course, bro’, of course I’ll testify, and I actually have a lot of their information – license plate numbers, emails and stuff. I never trusted them.”

 “I know, man, I should have listened to you. Is that why you quit?”

 “Quit? I didn’t quit. After that second day we worked together I never heard from them again. I never got my check for that day and just never heard from anyone.”

 “They told me you quit.”

 “I bet they did. How much longer did you work for them for?”

 “’Til now. Until just last week when I got arrested.”

 “What?! You’ve been working for them this whole time?!”

 “Yup.”

 “Holy shit. You must have made some good money, huh?”

 “Yeah, it was all right, man, but now I’m fucked up. Gotta give it all to my lawyers.”

 “Right, right.”

 I thought about the awful, abusive restaurant jobs I’d held during those six months and was overcome with jealousy. Then I thought about Charles being pulled away into custody by the police and pleading to the police in high-pitched panic: “Secret shopper, secret shopper!” and it took everything I had to not laugh.

 “Yo, so it’s okay if I have my lawyer call you, right?”

 “Yeah, yeah, of course, man, keep me posted.”

 “Okay, thanks so much. He’ll probably reach out to you tomorrow or the next day.”

 “Alright. Take care, Charles.”

 I hung up and couldn’t believe it. It all felt like a lifetime ago. I was on my third (and first decent) job since Secret Shopper. I was finally in a good place and felt bad for Charles. I wondered why they’d kept him and not me. Were they suspicious of my suspicion? Had Cici noticed the corners of my eyes? Had Rien noticed me stealing glances at her license plate, alternate with her cleavage? Would that matter? I looked forward to hearing back from Charles. My life was still so boring and shitty and I was excited for some excitement, also excited to partake in bringing those douche bags to justice, but I never heard from Charles again.

 I think there are legitimate secret shopper jobs, but this apparently was not one of them, obviously just a strange crew of con-artists using that label as well as unsuspecting desperados as a front for their scams. I hope they get what’s coming to them. More importantly I hope Charles is okay… that is if he’s not one of them!