#Me at 12: that's fucking stupid but neat ig. Do people really do that??

[creepyscritches]

Idk how to phrase it bc I've only recently begun to think about it but 🤔 growing up poor, alone, and temporary kinda taught me valuable poor skills like "how to live w only 1/4 of your possessions available, even the important ones" or "we won't be able to stay here that long, decorate but don't mount anything to the walls" OR my greatest hit "your movers are also poor like you so bring a case of ice water and popsicles for them + get ready to haul as much of your furniture as you can w 3 sweaty strangers"

But like 🤡 I never learned the not-poor skills lmao... Yeah sure I'm good at making things last but??? Learning when it's okay to replace something is such an unexpected skill. I'm not rich by any means, but I've finally met a career level where I'm secure job-wise and financially :/c which means I don't actually have to wear things until they fall apart which is nuts. My solution at the moment is to remember being the kid in goodwill finding kick-ass clothes and happily build a donation box of things I like but haven't worn in awhile (a year or so usually). Saluting the anonymous southerner who donated a pair of new w tags tripp pants in 2009. Inspiring me, king.

Anyway also the fact that I've established myself somewhere now is 🤡 man I'm figuring it out, but I feel very silly sometimes. Killing the voice in my head that says "don't get settled too much, you have to undo all this soon" by just thinking "if I still like it here, I will choose to stay longer, dumbass" which is a CRAZY luxury???? Girlies, home ownership is insane to me and I enjoy renting tbh, but being at the mercy of rent jacks made things pretty nomadic for awhile. I'm fully unpacked here. I mounted my first TV last year? Insane. I'm hanging floating corner shelves just to put junk I make on them. I have PLANTS? Idk it's just weird the things that are very normalized that I never did and a lot of my friends never did. My countertops are stone now, so I've had to learn to place things gently on them so they don't shatter. You could dunk a plate onto the vinyl countertops I had in high school. I do miss that freedom.

[hotboyfreighttrain]

what if km nonbinary WHAT IF I PIT A FTM STICKER ON MY ED JOURNAL AND NOW THE JOURNAL IS RUIND!!!!!!? I JUST SAW ANOTHER ED PAGE AND ALL THE WKMEN WERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THAT WGAAAAT!!!! WHAT IF IM DJUST DOING IT TO REBEL NO IM NOTOTTTTT!!!! im not doing it to rebel because i am .iam a man and i always woll be from these past years forward and if tgat is the label then that is ghe label i do NOT FIT IN ANY BOXES ALL THE BOXES ARE NAMED MARLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A BOY!!!!!!

but all ive placed my willingness to be a boy is from reading mlm fanfiction sonce i was 12... HARD GAY fanfiction . what if i just grew from that environment th

inking boys love is pure and beautiful it is but what if one day i decide to be an alien then what then what marker would i put on my lisence huh i cant just go out ajd say hey guys im nb now loooollllllll no i am he him .. i am he him and i woll die in this country as a hehim guy do you catch my drift lemel layo

i get so pisy at myself sometkmes i hate on women for NO REASON THATS SO BAD OF ME!!! its all internal of course . what if im trying to deny the little girl in side of me she cant come out.... every time i type a message in third person and mispell he to she i think its a sign from the unievrse saying what i am.... what if one day i dotn want to be a twink.... boy life seems so rigid

.... no i dont want to be some tiktok stereotypical trans man mockery page named frog kai ribbit fucking no i dont want to do any of that!!!!!!! maybe im non binary .. NO OOOO!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO LOOK LOKE WHATS ON SOCIAL MEDIA yes i do actually because everyone there is so pretty how do they have all that money thats insane .. of course they have begrr jobs than me dont even get me started on that BOYFRIEND reels fhe i feel so insecure about it but now there is a rage in mt hrart that can only be relinquished with the blod of a steait white man with a couple hunneds....

boy life seems so rigid in my head but why does it appear that way to me i dont know maybe its because i live in a christian family yea gods always watching NO idgaf about god i dont care i think that whole relgiion is the downfall of human american society i stand on that rock sorrreyyyyy lolllll but i keep it to myself of course hahaa yes but anwuah i feel like being a boy yes mmasculinity in one neat box but fwmininty in a larger one i just see shit on social media with either big thifhsd women NO I DONT CARE FOR THAT!!!!!!! i gooooooddddfff no i know masuclinity isnt in a box but I CANT HELP TJINKING THAT WAY !!!!!!!! IM TRYING TO STOP and yes i have gotten quite into beinf more acceprivng than what i was in like ninth grade yes i am not perfect yes and living in the reddest most worst GEORGIA ITS FUCKING GEORGIA GEROGIA IS THE WORST STATE TO LIVE IN IF YOU WANT TO BE SLIVHTLY LEFT!!!!! I AM TIRED OF LIVING INT EHS SOUTH yeah hahahaa ohhh country accent YES I HAVE ONE BUT AT WHAT COST!!!!!!

I STILL HAVE INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA IM TRYING TO GET RID OF I FEEL SO ASHAMED ADMITTING THAT

i canthellp feeling worried YES ITS WORRIED NOT HATE ITS JUST A CRINGING WORRY no please men please no ladies dknt kiss in this state please i dont want anyone lookign at you with hate please donntt its becayse these stupid principles they drilled into me. look at me fucking now they literally shamed me for being lgbt since sixth grade get on my fucking level why would you do that to me dad fuck you ughh i love you dad i hate your wife i wish i had really done what you said i was gonna do yeah you know what im fucking talking about you bitch noo no yeah go to the osych ward IT WAS BETTER THAN HOME

i am hidden in this cage uughhhhh heelpopp what if when ig et out i realize i just did it to find sanctuary with the people on my phone THE ONLY REASON I STARTED WANTING TO BE A BOY WAS BECAUSE I THOUGHT MIGUEL OHARA WAS SO PRETTY AND I WANTED TO BE THAT NOT JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE A BOY yes i do want to be a boy but also i feel i am not fit to be 100 percent boy okay iam letting all my thoughts drain out right now so i can not pick them up later do you catch my drift do you catch it catch like the ballwtih the drift ohhhhhhh lolll yes maybe not one hundred percent boy yes but i dont want to yknow actually i think the reason i think this is because of all the we hate men and men do not interact shit on here

because i feel i am predatory following moots and the. posting shit . what. one day i am going to crash kut and do soemthing bad huh twhats gonna happen then NO im not gonna hurt anybody lolllll i dont do that i have self control i hurt myself not others trigger wanrning lollllllll no i do not want to associate with men in my gender identity no yes i actually do so fuck that but i feel bad when i see so many rape statistics i feel so bad i feel gross and sad when women do the whole women empowerment no i just want the attention on me the man not transgender man just me MEEEE JUST ME the man not transgender . i am nto trans im a cis man all along yeah???? no htrickes you but the things id do to be a southern magellan shorts southern row boy ohhh my god my mouth is salivATINGGGGG PLEAAAASEEEEE I NEED T SO BADDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

came to be a boy cause i liekd miguel ohara what the fuck kind of reason is that i mean no it makes sense in the end i always played the boyish role no its because i liked fucking gay fanficiton in a poser lmaooo no im not thats so dumb why am i gaslighting myself its only because i love sabotaging ymself into thinking things km not woaaattt.... go figure...... telling myself repwatedly i hated myself in sixth frade then got a diagnosis woahh yeahp depression isnt a joke lolk where it got you marley look where it got you marley look where it tgot you marley look where it got you marley look where it got you marley

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 4X5 Monster Movie

ohohoho wait the title sounds promising

I like Meta Movie Shit it’s like 15% of my personality at LEAST at this point leave me alone

look I know I complain about filters but DAMN does the black and white make the Impala look nice

AHAHA NONDIAGETIC TO DIAGETIC MUSIC AND THE CHARACTERS COMMENT

wow I spelled that wrong but I don’t wanna check it 

save the world like the good old days? no I didn’t miss anything tho?? what?

heh “black and white case” THAT’S SO N E A T WITH THE FILTER

listen while I do think that Dean being in Hell should probably affect him more, him playing it for comedy is just so good

I hear “Agent young,” I sing “I hope Neil Young will remember” and then...hell maybe that was the reference

ah ~tourist season~

this shit is so twin peaks-y I love it

oh my god Anne Rice getting name dropped is WILD

“ok maverick” SSAKSKA

“he looked like a vampire” ah stellar witness I see

damn you you’re giving Eastern Europe a bad name

...ah agent young is Dean

ok so no scars, he seems excited

...re..hymenated..DEAN WHAT?

...see the dialogue...has just shifted to old timey, right? and so did the scenery

at least the girl is smarter

it’s ABSOLUTELY hilarious that this is all stuff they hunt so they have a problem with finding it as it imitates the on screen animals

THE MORGUE VISUALS! STUNNING!

seriously this playing on their expectations is SO NEAT

IT’S SHOT LIKE OLD TIME HORROR I S W E A R THERE’S A DIFFERENCE IT’S GREAT

~spoopy mummy on the loading dock~

I LIVVEEEDD BITCH

also it’s absolutely hilarious that the reason we no longer have a lot of mummies around is cuz Rich Europeans ate them

and really fucked up but also funny

oh NO NOT FINAL GIRL TROPE

GOD D A M M I T

DRACULA!!

they did the lighting thing!! HELL YEAH

PEPPER SPRAY HIM! YES GIRL!

hahaha he broke character

JOHNATHAN HARKER AND MINA REFERENCE!!

THAT’S WHAT I NAMED MY CAT AFTER

I don’t remember a romance with Mina in there but fine whatever creative license

Dean almost got bit by a Male Vampire huh

INTERMISSION AHAHAHA

Shapeshifter!!!

“the x files is a tv show, this is real” in the black and white filter...oh so tongue and cheek 

God I was half expecting a wink at the camera

MINA WASN’T THE INTENDED BRIDE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LUCY 

WHO THE HELL APPROVED THIS 

ok voyeuristic camera angles really Add to the horror damn

heh the ~responsibility burden

it’s nice Dean gets to talk about how much this sucks

Dean if you shut off I’m going to KILL you I want to know what’s going on

A mission from God!! 

I don’t care if that’s a blues brothers reference or not, I’m taking it as such

At least he’s found some purpose, although...hm I wonder where this is going

the ~phantom~!!

THE FUCKING SHIFT TO THE OTHER OPERA MUSIC AHAHA

Sam that’s his own fucking ear calm down

very Sinister Shots for Sam this scene I liked em

It’s Lucy? the Evil Woman of Dracula I’m telling you

aha and they were drugged! neat

the practical effects are So Neat tho!

oho, Frankenstein?

LiFe aIn’T a MoVie Dean you got something you want to say

listen, I get escaping into the glamor of a movie, I do

Man and Dean used to reference movies all the time :(

THE FUCKING DOORBELL

also “the monster wins” OHHH NO

I HAVE A COUPON HA

mention in recap: Dean+movies, monster winning, Lucy+dracula imagery, also the followup about hunters from the last one

bleh stupid controlling niceguy vampire

shit that dress does look good tho

ah yeah in real life this fucker gets killed near everywhere, but they’re famous on movies

kinnie but also Ow

sir you can’t coerce people into your life that’s not how that works

Sam: *pokes fun at his brother after he nearly got bbq’ed

Dean: SHUT UP

awwww

VAN HELSING’SSSS SERIOUS FACE

holy shit Jamie!!!

bitch why are you holding onto this, how?

sir you were a monster and you still got killed and OH I don’t like that wait

dammit Jamie and Dean are fun

Sam has been Suffering fOR 12 Y E A R S ok I’m done

Dean: It’d be nice if life was a movie AAAAA

and ends on a cute sibling note and the end? neat

okok I have meta: 

1. Listen listen listen, the “monster”(shifter) living in Real Life where he nearly gets killed all the time just for existing, has to fight to survive etc, finding monster movies and emulating them, but with the key difference of “the monster wins?” holy hell. It’s such a cool thing about how movies are our chance for escapism, and toss in a nice morally gray area for the monster as well. Like people use movies to escape, so we probably all relate to the monster a lot more anyway? like that’s such a compelling motivation it’s so cool!

and the fact that the monster still dies at the end is like. Ok you can either approach it as yknow, them saving the day or whatever, but I kinda felt it was like. He got to go out like those monsters in the movies? he clung to that reality, and got to go out in his version of dignity, while still feeding into the tragedy, because the monster really did die. It was the expected ending(monster dies in the end) but he seemed...to enjoy it(continued monologue right up until he died with a cool-ass shot)? he got to go out like his role models? Like you feel for him, but he did also kill people, but then the killing was also the role models. Like, complex motivation/story for this “monster of the week,” I thought it was interesting. And also, well done.

2. Also. Direct contrast to Dean. Dean’s the “references” guy, he always makes movie references. Or Ig he made them before he got jettisoned to Hell and had to figure himself out. If movies are positioned as Escape by the monster, Dean rejecting them in front of the monster, claiming real life is not that simple...feels like him stepping up to take on that Godly Responsibility. Especially because in this episode, Jamie says that “bro hunting sucks as a profession”(which is entirely true) and Dean says “yeah I thought that too”(aka the reference stage). Like the movies(and their rejection) show how Dean’s kinda stepping up to the “Ok, I’m a hunter, I’m here, I can't just check out or pretend this is a movie, this is real.”(As seen with his willingness to accept his “mission from God” and CALLING it as such when he was at first skeptical). Dean and the shifter are set up as foils, which is ALSO interesting because the last shifter also shifted into Dean. There’s probably something there(blend into whatever he’s been told to be by his Dad, by God whatever) but that’s not the thesis I’m going for here.

3. Worth noting, just little lore thing here, that Lucy is the Evil Woman in Dracula(the one that got turned into the vampire) and she ends up being the villain. And NO Mina was not Dracula’s bride, but she WAS lucy’s friend, so I’m going with Lucy/Mina because...no yeah that makes way more sense. 

4. sidenote, lamp shading that this is a show, how this is supposed to be Real(and highlighted with shifts from diagetic, the camera angles are Extra Theatrical, it’s a literal Black and White movie). But that lamp shading of the story+old movies like...was kinda integral to the plot, which. Yeah that’s how you do a Referential thing. It was done for a reason(on both ends, both Dean and the Monster have some kind of thing with movies), spotlighting it with Dean and Sam makes it show how this is a movie(although for what purpose I wasn’t really paying attention for) and also a nice homage on top. Cool use of meta style, I liked that a Lot and it looked really fucking good.

5. And this is just a little carry over from last time, but the fact that Sam and Dean don’t know about the rougarou kid is kinda a part of the inherent tragedy/revenge porn of hunting. They had no trouble believing Travis just Went for it, which doomed them not to ask the questions of Why, which doomed that poor kid and his mom. Their distrust and craziness and thirst for revenge is actively harming their mission, godDAMMIT one of you fuckers learn empathy and communication and teach it with the class.

Anyway. Movie Meta is my Shit so...yeah