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innocent-bysitter · 4 months

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Life is Overwhelming

it feels like I dont know how to stop complaining. I complain about how much I complain. I annoy myself. But this isn't about that. This is about the things I've been complaining about.

How is it that every single time I start getting over some sort of symptom, another one punches me in the face? Maybe I've had this symptom for a while, or maybe it's new, but somehow it's become the focus for the next couple of days. For example; earlier this month I switched medications for mood stabilization, I started by going off my previous one, which, by the way, was working hella good, the only reason I went off it was to stop gaining weight. So I go off it, slowly. I get down to 1 mg (I was on 3 mg) My shitty Intrusive thoughts about shitty bad things start coming back, and soon enough I'm having a breakdown in the living room with my parents like I'm 17 again. I felt like I had moved past that, like I had matured and gotten better. Hmmm, maybe the meds had been working. So I'm off of them and I have a psychiatrist session that day to get a new medication. Like a fucking loser, I get sidetracked sewing (the one time I've actually had the motivation to do this in months btw) and I miss the appointment, it's a good 4 hours before I realize what I've done, but hey! at least I have a cute shirt now! There goes $100 on the missed appointment fee. Cha-Ching! I managed to reschedule the appointment for 4 days later, not realizing I only gave myself 30 minutes to get home from work. Then, on the day of work, I bike in, not thinking that it takes me 47 minutes to get home from work. oops. So lo and behold it's the end of my shift, I get a calendar notification about my appointment, and I realize I haven't even charged my battery, so not only will I be late for my appointment biking home, but my bike will most definitely die on the way. So I ask my managers, somewhat frantically, and manage to secure someone's office for my 15-minute appointment. I get on the call and tell her the issues I've had while being off the meds, which, by the way, are pretty dire. She nods her head and lets me know "Well if you are struggling with any suicidal ideation you should go ahead and call 988" which generally is good advice, but I was kind of hoping for more sympathy or advice or something. That's psychiatrists for you! We've settled on a medication, she calls it in, and I pick it up the next day.

Next Issue: well, I bike home, and there goes my knee.

Lore-Time: For those who know me, you'll know I've had 3 knee surgeries, the first one in 2016 when I was a wee 13 years old. I tore my ACL slipping on wet tile of all things. The second and third in 2018, supposedly playing soccer but I have a feeling it had torn before that. The second one was to clean up the damage from the first one, and then the third to repair the ACL. Since then I've had major knee pain with exercise, shifts in the weather, bending it wrong, standing too long, ect.

I go to the doctor, the same office I went to when I was 13, a different doctor, I wanted someone who wasn't going to call me "Kiddo". He tells me its the cartilage under my kneecap, and he prescribes physical therapy. As I am a creature of habit, I called my physical therapist from the last time I was in physical therapy and I booked an appointment. At my first appointment, she looked at my knee and told me "Your kneecap is in the wrong place, that's what's causing the pain" Great! please fix it! I now have 7 exercises for home and an appointment with her every week. I get told to lay off the biking for a bit. A couple days pass, and I do my exercises. On top of my knee, I'm still struggling mentally.

Next Issue: There's this guy at work, he is flirty, I'm sorta flirty (I feel like I come across as flirty, but I was literally just trying to be his friend), he is sweet, and asks me to the renfaire. I make it clear that I am in general looking for a serious relationship, I've had too many things (problems) with other types of bonds (I catch feelings). He indicates that he understands and continues flirting. Later he tells me that he isn't looking for anything serious, but he likes me and wants to pursue "other things". Me being an impulsive loser who has no respect for myself, I agree. A couple days later, I was approached by another work friend, asking about my love life, I said yeah you are going to have to be more specific, I'm a player (I'm not). We get to talking and they start telling me all these things about our coworker that are kinda shocking and make him seem super sketchy, now I trust this coworker telling me these things because he looks like Ed Sheeran (He is a redhead). But they tell me these things about him trying to look out for me. And so now I'm attempting to ghost him in a polite way. It's stressing me out every time he texts me.

Next Issue: For most of my teenage years to now I've struggled with severe sleep issues. I take two to four hours to fall asleep every night and at least an hour to wake up and get out of bed every morning. I fall asleep in the car, on the train, at work, sitting on the couch, and pretty much everywhere else. I don't hear alarms almost ever, my parents wake me up every morning, and I usually fall back asleep a couple times before I actually listen to them and get up. Not only is this making me late to morning shifts at work, miss appointments, and miss meals, but it's also causing a huge strain on my relationship with my parents, who never thought they'd have to be waking their 20-year-old up with much resistance every morning.

Lore-Time: My parents are awesome, and I appreciate all of what they do, for me, my family, and themselves. They have been with me through all of my mental and physical health troubles and still managed to have time to work full time, raise my annoying but exceedingly cool brother, drive me everywhere because I do not drive, and have a bit of fun here and there.

So finally, after years of struggling with sleep issues, we decided to go to a sleep doctor. He referred me to do a sleep study and my results are perfectly aligned with Narcolepsy type II. YAY!!! part of me is happy to have an answer, the other part of me dreads the word chronic, or when doctors add more medication to my already large pill sorter. And of course, this is one of those things where the primary treatment is medication. But lately, those symptoms feel worse, and the constant need for sleep adds to my depression, where I used to look forward to work, my body chooses sleep to avoid the commute, and the fear of sleeping in and missing work keeps me up. Because maybe I won't miss it if I don't fall asleep. I guess the one thing I don't mind is that I dream almost instantly after I fall asleep, so when I wake up in the mornings and I like a dream, I can fall back asleep and sometimes that dream will continue. The bad part of that is sometimes my brain will ignore whoever is telling me to get up, by prioritizing going back to the good dream.

Next Issue: Not really an issue per se, but I miss my best friend. She is in grad school to become my therapist and she's never not busy and I miss her so much omg. also, she lives an hour and a half away and has no money for gas because she spends all her money on Taylor Swift stuff. I can't even blame her.

I'm sure I have plenty more issues I could share, but that's all for this time. If you read this all the way through: thanks for reading my complaints!

#narcolepsy #depression #idk what else to tag #mental health #I need a new psychiatrist #My best friend is cheating on me with taylor swift

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kirstenlinae · 2 years

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Non-Scale Victories and Struggles

I am supposed to be weaning myself off of caffeine altogether. That’s one of my 1st month goals to prep for surgery/post-op lifestyle. So far, this is one of the hardest goals to accomplish. Before this was established as a goal/requirement, I only drank coffee about 3 times per week...one to two cups per morning. However, now I’m back up to 5-7 times per week, steadily two cups per morning... and a third is tempting me today. I guess caffeine (much like carbonation or smoking) can cause ulcers and such post-op.

Another goal I have for this month is to start taking a multivitamin. I bought some from Costco (Kirkland brand) and, they seem to be causing me headaches. More than likely from whatever additive(s) are in the vitamin. I called my dietician to inquire about this. She suggested that I go with a more name brand or “natural” brand that would probably have less additive junk in it. I’m still trying to look for one. It’s hard to find a multivitamin that isn’t a gummy. That is natural. That doesn’t cost a million dollars for a 30 day supply. My dietician told me not to invest a bunch of money in a large supply because post-op I will have to change to a specialized bariatric multivitamin. So... I need a 4-6 month supply. Again, specifically hard to find. I’ll keep trying though.

I am only 9 days out from my initial consultation and I think I am doing well with other goals. I am consistently drinking over a gallon of water per day. Yesterday was my last day drinking carbonated sodas. I am half done with my required 10-day food journal and, lastly but probably most importantly, I have been almost 100% compliant with my medication and insulin regimens.

In mentioning all of that, though, I have to also admit that I am having trouble meeting one last goal. I told the dietician that by the end of the month (Oct. 11th), I would be compliant with an exercise regimen 3 times per week for 30 minutes each time. I am not counting the days that I clean houses (although definitely a work out for me). In addition to the 1-2 days per week that I clean houses, I want to work out 3 times per week either taking walks or riding my stationary bike. Obviously, when I work cleaning houses I am not requiring myself to also work out. However, I find it hard to get motivated to work out on the days that I have to work at the hotel. Mostly because, if I do work out, it would have to be in the morning/afternoon before work, since I work second shift 3p-11p. Once I get off work I definitely don’t feel like working out in addition to doing any chores that need done, making dinner and getting ready for bed. In an ideal world, I would love to work out 3-4 times per week, for 40-60minutes each time. I would like to mix my regimen between walking/riding my bike for 20-30minutes and then doing yoga, Pilates or mild strength training for another 20-30minutes. I would definitely have to build up to that, though.

This morning I woke up and had the urge to check my blood sugar and weigh myself (although I didn’t do either). While I should be checking my blood sugar at least once a day, I usually don’t because it discourages me. Even though, I do think my blood sugars have probably stabilized within the last 9 days because of my insulin compliance and my changed eating habits. When I have “dieted” before, and monitored my blood sugars, it was amazing how fast my blood sugars would stabilize, especially if I was working out almost every day. As for weighing myself, I am trying not to play slave to the bathroom scale. I want to stick to weighing myself only at doctor’s appointments. That way, I know it’s real change (over about a month’s timespan) and, I’m not obsessing over every little ounce I lose or gain ever week (or even every day). Plus, as this post implies, I am really trying to focus heavily on non-scale goals/victories. While, of course one of the ultimate goals is to lose weight, the REAL and NUMBER ONE ultimate goal is to change and maintain healthy habits for my lifetime so my diabetes type II will go into remission (be controlled) and that way, I can not only live longer but, also live a more fulfilled life...however that may present itself to me in the future.

#weight loss #weight loss journey #bariatric surgery #gastric bypass #bariatricsupport #bariatric diet #gastric surgery #non scale victory #weight loss goals #healthy living #healthy eating #exercise #journal #personal

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homoose · 3 years

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Love Has a Learning Curve: epilogue (reader)

Summary: An early morning, a doctor’s appointment, a new beginning.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: fluff

Warnings/Includes: pregnancy (including like… probably incorrect math and science but my degree was in English and this is fanfiction okay)

Word count: 2.7k

a/n: I’m actually so emotional don’t look at me thanks ♥️

Series Masterlist

———

The sound of Spencer’s ringtone pierced through the early morning quiet, shrill and disconsolate. Y/N hummed against his chest, shifting as he clumsily reached across to the bedside table to answer it.

“Hey,” he croaked, voice still smothered in sleep. “Mm... When?” He paused, and she could almost make out the answer on the other end. “Got it. Yeah.”

He carefully set the phone back on the bedside table, and then his arms came around her shoulders. He let out a long sigh, the one she’d gotten quite used to over the last year and a half— the one that meant he had to go. She squeezed him around the middle and let out her own sigh. “Case?”

“Yeah.” He ran light fingers down her arm. “Jet’s taking off in ninety minutes.”

She glanced at the bedside table to the alarm clock that read 4:57am. They both knew he needed to leave within the next half hour if he was going to make it on time, but neither one made any effort to move. Instead, they breathed together in the pre-dawn stillness— a single moment of peace before the world and all its ugliness could crash through the fortress they’d constructed around their space and around each other.

“I don’t wanna go,” he whispered.

“I know.” She pressed a kiss over his heart through his t-shirt. “I know.”

“I’m gonna miss everything,” he lamented. “Appointments, and milestones, and firsts, and I— I’m gonna miss all of it.”

She lifted her head at the tears in his voice. “Hey.” She shifted in the circle of his arms to prop herself up on his chest. “You’re not gonna miss all of it. You’ll miss this one appointment. And it’s— it’s not even an important one,” she assured, gentle fingers swiping away the lone tear that had managed to escape over his lash line.

“Yes, it is.” He shook his head. “They're all important.”

She gave him a sympathetic smile, leaning forward to press a quick peck to his lips before sitting up and deciding to reassure him in the only way she knew how. “Okay, doctor. Eleven weeks. Tell me what we’re gonna find out today.”

She pulled him up out of bed, interlacing their fingers and pressing their shoulders together. As she led him to the bathroom, he explained, “Dr. Layton will do the first ultrasound, and Baby will look more like a baby now. At around ten weeks they made the transition from embryo to fetus. They’ll be about two inches long.”

She handed him his toothbrush and turned to grab his toiletry go-back from the linen closet, stifling a yawn. “Mmhm. What else?”

“Did you know they’re breathing now?” he asked, and she smiled at the way the excitement crept into his voice. “Between weeks ten and eleven, the fetus starts to inhale and exhale small amounts of amniotic fluid, which aids in the development of their lungs. It’s kind of like they’re breathing underwater.”

“I didn’t know that,” she admitted, turning back to set the bag on the counter. “That’s pretty amazing. What about the heartbeat?”

He nodded vigorously as he applied toothpaste to the bristles of his brush. “We should be able to hear it, although sometimes it’s too early— depending on the accuracy of the estimated date of conception.”

He ran the water over the toothbrush before popping it into his mouth. She kissed his shoulder and then moved back into the bedroom, shuffling into their closet for his go bag. She checked it over on her way back to the bathroom, ensuring it had been fully repacked after the last case. She set it on the counter and placed his toiletry bag inside, leaving it open for him to pack his toothbrush and then sitting on the closed toilet lid.

He rinsed his mouth and put his travel cap over the head of his toothbrush, gesturing with it and then dropping it into the bag. “They’ll do some routine lab work to test for things like gestational diabetes, and we can also choose to do additional screeners for chromosomal abnormalities and possible complications.” He looked at her then, and she saw the despondence creeping back in. “I should really be there, just— just in case.”

“Honey.” She stood and held out her hand to him, smiling a little when he accepted it with a squeeze. “It’s gonna be okay.”

He let out a breath and pulled her into his arms, and they held each other in the silence, the soft light from the vanity washing over them. His phone buzzed with an incoming message, and she knew he needed to get on the road. Still, she held him for a second longer, and then they shuffled through the door and into the bedroom together.

Y/N made her way back to bed, scooting down under the duvet to preserve the last remaining notes of his body warmth. She watched as he dressed silently, pulling on trousers, socks, a button up and cardigan. He skipped the tie in favor of coming to sit on the bed, bringing his hand to rest lightly over top of her belly over the covers.

She covered his hand with her own and laced their fingers together. “Maybe you could ask Luke if you can FaceTime with his phone. You can probably take twenty minutes, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.” He rubbed a tired hand over his face. “Maybe I should just upgrade my own phone.”

She huffed out a laugh. “Oh, I see how it is. Couldn’t upgrade for me, but once a baby comes along you’re ready for an iPhone.”

“That’s not— you— you shouldn’t have to do all of this alone,” he huffed, and she realized her joke didn’t land when his voice cracked at the end.

“Spence, I’m— I’m just teasing.” She lifted her hands to his face, pulling him closer and meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry; you’re upset, and that wasn’t nice.”

She leaned up to kiss his forehead, letting her lips linger and breathing him in. “But I’m not alone. With you, I feel— the opposite of alone.”

“Irritated?” he offered.

“No,” she laughed. “Supported, and cared for, and loved,” she corrected with a smile. “You’ve been all of that since day one. And I know that’s not going to change, whether you’re physically present in that doctor's office or not. Right?”

When he nodded, she continued, “I love you. The most. And you are easily the best baby daddy on planet earth. Okay?”

The term of endearment dragged a smile from him, as it always did. “Okay.”

She leaned forward to press her lips to his, both sets upturned and a little dry from sleep. “Now, you need to go, or you’re gonna be late.”

“I know.” He kissed her again, long and slow, and then pulled back to lean their foreheads together. He hesitated for another ten seconds before standing to grab his bag from the bathroom.

When he re-emerged, she reminded him, “Ask Luke about the FaceTime thing. I’m sure he won’t mind, and we can trust him to keep the secret. The appointment technically starts at 1:00, but I probably won’t be seen until at least 1:30.”

He crossed to give her another kiss. “I love you.” He crouched to press a kiss to her tummy. “And you.”

“We love you, too,” she smiled, fingers tangling in his curls. “And we’ll talk to you in a few hours.”

She kissed him one more time— couldn’t help herself. And then his warmth was gone from the bed, and the house was suddenly much too quiet. She snuggled back down under the duvet, her head on his pillow and the scent of his shampoo shrouding her senses and easing her mind.

Spencer really was supportive— endlessly so. Not overbearing, but interested and involved in every moment: reading all the newest research, bringing home her favorite treats, writing out a color-coded timeline of all the appointments and milestones. She wasn’t lying when she called him the best baby daddy. He was always there for her. So much so that the apprehension she’d had at the beginning of this surprise journey was nowhere to be found.

As she drifted back into sleep, there he was again— she could almost hear the jangling of his keys in the bowl in the entryway, his feet on the stairs, the rustling of his pants and sweater being discarded onto the floor of their bedroom.

And then she felt the warmth of his palm low over her tummy, coming to rest over the barely-there bump. She felt his lips on her shoulder and his chest pressed against her back. When she went to cover his hand with her own, her exhausted brain registered that it wasn’t a dream at all.

She turned her head, blinking her eyes open to see him smiling at her and drew her brows together. “What’s going on?”

He pressed another kiss to her shoulder, snuggling even closer and rubbing his thumb along her belly. “I’m, um— I told Emily I’m gonna consult from home on this one.”

…

“Okay, Mom, this’ll just be a little bit cold.”

Dr. Layton smoothed the gel over Y/N’s lower abdomen, and Spencer moved to thread their fingers together, shifting to stand even closer to the examination table. The ultrasound machine gave off a low hum as the doctor adjusted the wand over her tummy. She felt Spencer press a kiss to her temple and turned to smile brightly at him before turning back to the black and white screen.

At her first appointment five weeks ago, she’d been by herself— alone and uncertain and terrified— and she’d declined the option of the ultrasound. It felt wrong to see the baby before Spencer even knew about them. Now, together with him, with her soon-to-be husband— she was more than ready to see their baby for the first time. And she could practically feel Spencer’s excitement next to her, his body nearly vibrating with it.

“Ah, here they are. Hello, Baby Reid.” Dr. Layton pointed to a small, white figure on the screen. “Okay, right here, you can see their big ol’ head— perfectly normal size for this stage of development,” she assured, eyes deftly scanning the image in front of her. “Everything looks great! Now, I’m just trying to find…”

She adjusted the wand over Y/N’s tummy, and suddenly a wub wub wub came over the tinny speaker of the machine. “There we are,” Dr. Layton smiled. “Very strong heartbeat.”

Spencer squeezed Y/N’s hand, and she felt the drop of a tear on her shoulder. She brought her other hand over to cover their tangled fingers, rubbing her thumb along the skin of his wrist and kissing his arm.

Dr. Layton made a slightly perplexed humming sound, moving the wand again and losing the sound of the heartbeat, only to pick it up again— this time slightly faster. Y/N’s own heart stuttered a little as the doctor moved the wand again twice more, and then cleared her throat. “Is something— is everything okay?”

She turned to Y/N with a kind smile. “Yes, yes,” she confirmed, and then she raised her eyebrows. “Just— do you hear the difference?”

Spencer tilted his head in consideration, drawing his brows together and straining to hear. The doctor shifted the wand once more, allowing them to hear the two distinct patterns.

Two distinct patterns, Y/N realized.

Dr. Layton pressed the wand a little more firmly into her abdomen, moved it just slightly. “Those are two different heartbeats.” She pointed to the screen. “And those are two different babies. There’s a matching set of Baby Reids in there.”

Y/N couldn’t stop her jaw from dropping. “Is there—” She turned to Spencer incredulously. “Do twins run in your family?”

He shook his head silently, eyes wide. “Yours?”

“Nope,” she squeaked.

“This obviously changes things slightly,” Dr. Layton explained, cleaning up the residual gel. “I’d like to see you every three weeks rather than every four. Then at twenty eight weeks, we’ll see how we feel, okay?”

She smiled gently as Y/N and Spencer nodded dumbly. She removed her gloves and stood. “I’m going to give you two a few minutes. I’ll be back with your photos in a bit, and we can talk about any questions you might have.”

The door closed behind her, and the room was bathed in silence. Y/N sat up carefully and swung her legs over the side of the examination table. She looked down at her tiny, unassuming bump and felt a tear slip over her lashes.

“Are you— are you okay?” Spencer whispered.

She brought her gaze to his, found them teeming with barely restrained joy and yet the ever-present worry. “Well,” she started. “I, um— I always imagined two kids.” She brought her hands up to her sweaty cheeks and held her own face between her palms. “I guess this is— you know— just a quicker way to get there.”

Spencer immediately wrapped her in a hug, pressing kisses over her hair, her forehead, her shocked mouth. “Two babies. We’re having two babies.”

“Twins, Spence,” she breathed. “Twins.”

He replaced her hands with his own, cradling her face and kissing her sweetly, sighing all of his joy and adoration into her mouth. “I love you. So much. The most.” He lowered himself to press his lips to her belly. “All of you.”

She used gentle hands in his hair to tilt his face up, meeting his smile with a watery one of her own. “We love you, too, baby daddy.”

She could see the gears turning as he stood, his hands coming to rest on her hips. “About that.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Yes?”

“Do you, um— how difficult do you think it would be to get everyone together this weekend?”

She paused. “You wanna get married this weekend?”

“Yeah, that’s probably too soon, huh?” He huffed out a sigh, then his eyebrows shot up. “Oh, what about next weekend?”

“That’s just as soon!” she laughed.

He furrowed his brow. “No, it’s not. There's a seven day difference.”

“You’re really in a rush, huh?” she teased.

“Well. I just— I figure you should really be on my insurance anyway,” he reasoned. “Especially now that it’s— now that it’s twins.”

“Mm, yes, I’m sure that’s the reason,” she grinned.

He let out a long breath, and she watched his eyes journey over her face— memorizing every curve and angle, every new wrinkle, every last inch of her. And she knew the reason.

“I know it’s just a piece of paper,” he murmured. “It doesn’t really change anything, but…” He used gentle fingers to brush her hair back from her face. “I just… really want to be your husband.”

She took her own minute to memorize the way he looked in this moment: her fiancé, the father of her children, the best man she’d ever known, the absolute love of her life. And she knew her own reason.

“The paper might not change anything,” she agreed. “But— you’ve changed everything.”

He squeezed her hips. “In a good way I hope.”

“The best way.” She brought her hands to his face, rubbing her thumbs along his cheeks. “The best way.”

He closed the distance between them to kiss her with all the honey and magic and reverence he always did. He broke away to lean his forehead against hers with all the warmth and devotion and love he always did. She sighed, and it was all joy and vulnerability and contentment like it always was. And she knew their reasons.

She kissed him again, and then murmured against his lips, “You know I’m still gonna refer to you as baby daddy, right?”

The laugh erupted from his chest and wrapped itself around her heart, tying tight and secure— a shield, and a haven, and a refuge— keeping her safe from every terrible thing.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

…

O no! Love is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

———

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successfullyadhd · 3 years

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Paralyzed by Waiting

For TL;DR version just read the bold text.

You have the day off, and you have an appointment at 1pm. You wake up at 9am, ready to face the day and make good use of your time. There’s one hang-up on your mind - you know that with your tendency to get side tracked and get hyperfocused on other tasks, you might end up missing your appointment or being late.

“I’ll just wait to start anything until after the appointment. I can’t possibly fit anything in between now and then.”

You end up waiting the 4 hours until your appointment, laying in bed switching between apps on your phone and watching Netflix. There are so many other things you want your body to get up and do – but the time between now and your 1pm meeting paralyze you. At 2pm, when everything is done, you get out and feel stressed. Why didn’t you check a few things off your list earlier? Your perspective shifts, and you see how much time was lost. Instead of feeling relieved that the appointment is over, you now feel frustrated and disappointed – why couldn’t you just make your body and mind use the time that you had?

Does this scenario feel familiar? It happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. My mind is conditioned to think that I won’t be able make it somewhere on time and prepared, so I end up doing nothing at all until the scheduled time has arrived for fear of missing it completely. This happens to many people with ADHD because we struggle with time blindness – a combination of inability to accurately gauge how long it will take us to do tasks and the tendency to not notice the passage of time while immersed in an activity. It’s such a frustrating Catch 22 – do I start getting into other things or just wait it out?

Here’s a process I’ve found to help break the paralysis and using more of the “between time”:

1) On days where you have a limited amount of leisure or work time, and you have scheduled tasks, start your day by making a to-do list.

a. Start by free writing anything that comes to mind that you want to accomplish.

b. Look over your list, and pick three things that are your priority for you to finish today.

c. Try to estimate a time of how long it will take you to do your priority tasks. If you aren’t sure, take a guess and then double the time.

d. Look at the timing of your scheduled appointments, and write down how long the appointment will take. Add 30 minutes to your estimated time.

e. Decide how much time you need to make it to your appointment, and how much time you need to get ready prior to it.

f. Look at what time it is now, and what time you will need to start getting ready. This is a true estimate of your “between time”.

g. Look at your priority tasks, and see if any of them fit into your between time.

h. If they do – great! If not, look over some of your other tasks on your list and see if there is anything shorter that you could get done in the between time instead.

i. If you look at your to-do list and none of the activities could be reasonably completed in the between time – you’re off the hook! Do whatever filler activity you want without guilt.

j. Rewrite your to-do list to include the tasks and the appointments in order. Write in the times to help keep you on track.

k. Bonus: put an alarm on your cell phone as a reminder of when you need to stop your activity and start getting ready. This will make sure you don’t miss your appointment and put your mind at ease that you have a fail-safe in place so you don’t have to constantly worry about what time it is and how much time is left.

l. Bonus #2: If one of your priority items is something you need to do often (go to the grocery store, clean your room, pay bills) try to set a timer for the amount of time you guessed it would take. If you are done before the timer goes off, note how long it took you. If you aren’t done when the timer goes off, guess how much longer it will take you and reset it. Note how much time it actually took when you are done. Now you will know how long the task typically takes for next time you are faced with this dilemma.

The To Do List creation will look something like this in the first and second stages:

To Do List Free Write

- Wash dishes in sink

- Do 3 loads of laundry

- Organize closet

- Alphabetize books on shelf

- Call to make appointments with dentist and eye doctor – priority – 20 minutes

- Research new recipes

- Go grocery shopping – priority – 1 hour

- Put gas in car – priority – 10 minutes

- Clean out car

Appointments:

Meet with tax advisor – 1pm – 30 minutes to get ready, 10 minute drive, 5 minutes to find parking, appointment will take 1.5 hours. Stop activities at 12:10pm. Leave house at 12:40pm.

Final To Do List

- Time now – 9am.

- Between time: 3 hours 10 minutes

- Call to make medical appointments – 20 minutes

- Leave to go to the grocery store. Get gas on the way. 1 hour 10 minutes.

- Put groceries away – 15 minutes

- Get ready for appointment: 12:10pm

- Leave house: 12:40pm

With this process, you can fight the time blindness and reduce the stress that comes with a scheduled day. Let me know if you have any other great ideas that have helped you with the waiting paralysis.

#actually adhd #adhd hacks #successfully adhd #executive dysfunction #time blindness #actually add #neurodivergent #adhd

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compo67 · 3 years

Text

Updates: The Extended Edition

This year continues to feel so surreal.

January: I started working on my kid's book, doing thumbnails, storyboards, and pencils. My beta K and I finished and published our Lobster fic. My family decided to start hospice for my grandma and I became a hospice nurse and primary point of contact. I made meals in the morning and family friends kept us fed in the evenings. I was also still working throughout this.

February: We had some good days with my grandma, but the decline was obvious. I continued to manage everything about hospice and learned basic nursing skills/tasks. We got my grandma her first covid vaccine, a huge relief to everyone. During my shifts, I became a vaccine hunter for the Chicago group. From Feb to March, I helped 30+ people secure vaccine appointments. I worked on book outlines and the cover. I was still working.

March: Everyone in our household got their first vaccine. We all had to drive 1 hour each way to get them, and get them in shifts in case anyone had side effects. I finally went on leave from work. My mom threw out her back, my sister and I powered through 3 days with just the two of us. Some of the most painful hospice moments happened. We had two good days before the beginning of the end. Memita passed on the 24th, 15 minutes after I left for my second vaccine dose. The social worker said some people hang on to wait for family to arrive, some people hang on for some people to leave. I didn't think it would be me. But that was so like my grandma to spare me from additional trauma. My mom was there with her. Beta K helped me research funeral homes and I managed it from there. I don't remember the first few days, I just know I was exhausted and the grief hit hard.

April: I went back to work in the second week. I could not financially afford to take more time off work. I thought I needed to get back to my routine so I could move on. Mid-April, I physically hit a wall and spent the majority of the time bed/recliner bound. I slowly started to get back to my doctors' offices now that I had my second vaccine. I started working on the book again. I was still working, often having to strap myself into my office chair because I could not physically hold myself up. I had more and more MCAD flare ups with allergies and flushing. Taking 2x the amount of anti-histamines I'm used to really took a lot of getting used to.

May: One of my doctors encouraged me to take a break from work. I insisted that I needed the routine and the money. I also dove into working on the book, because I missed deadlines from March to April and my publisher wasn't giving me any leeway with the deadline to go to print. I had to complete one spread (2 full color pages) every two days--hand drawn and painted. I also had to scan these images in a very careful order, plus do background washes. I worked on pages during calls, on my breaks, and with any free/spare time I had. I was still working. I had doctors appointments every Monday for the whole month, with ones in between, plus massages and acupuncture treatments. My first liver MRI of the year came back stable, which is neutral news. Not any better, not any worse. My birthday was at the end of the month and I took the weekend off from the book. It was one of the most difficult birthdays I've had because it was my first without my grandma. I went to a bookstore, the Bahai temple, and the library that day.

June: I finished the book. I feel simultaneously proud and resentful of it. I just wanted it to be done. I started experiencing rapid cycling manic-depressive behavior. Mid-June, I realized, one day, that I hadn't showered in 4 days, hadn't slept more than a handful of hours, and felt like I could still keep working without breaks. I finally saw my psychiatrist and I started mood stabilizers. I bought a car so I could get to and from appointments or to the library. I refocused on work. I started watching the C-drama, The Untamed, with my friends. Things were okay.

July: Actually, a decent month. More appointments. Still working.

August: New RA symptoms show up and the flare to end all flares begins, though I don't know it at the time. Rheumatologist tells me I'm doing myself harm by using a patchwork approach. Inflammation markers are super high and I need to start a new long-term medication instead of doing bursts of prednisone here and there. Publisher asks for edits to pages they previously approved AND would take a substantial amount of time to do. Still working, trying to pick up more hours to make up for the income I lost in the beginning of the year. Finished The Untamed, loved it. I made chocolate chip cookies, the first thing I baked since last year. Drove to South Bend, IN, where I met someone we I would come to refer to later as Theater Douchebag. (Yep.) But. I had a nice weekend at the time. Hit an emotional wall Labor Day Weekend with more rapid cycling, but managed to house sit for the gals and work through it that weekend. Still working. I call a graduate school I'm interested in on a whim, just to ask more questions about their Health Communication program. I dream about starting in January 2022 or August 2022. The program advisor offers me admission on the spot without even having applied. I dance and scream for joy--and I accept. I take only one class because it's all I can afford, my parents and a friend pay 50%. I start school and love the class, all the way to the end in October. I thrive in school and it gives me something to look forward to in between work and appointments.

September: Therapist suggested an intensive outpatient program (IOP). I say I'll think about it. Still working. More appointments and treatments, lots of driving. Booster shot, phew. Start making arrangements to try RA medication Remicade via infusion. More RA symptoms pop up. Not sleeping well because can't afford out of pocket CPAP supplies but insurance won't cover them because I'm noncompliant--because I don't have supplies. Finally see a doctor who gave me supplies from their office so I can prove compliance by November. My grandpa visits from California. Three weeks later, he dies suddenly. I still think I can call him at his assisted living facility or send him a care package. We weren't super close, but having just seen him (and how hard he hugged me) made it so much heavier. I help my aunt through that with arrangements and grief support. Still working until mid-September, when work makes changes and doesn't offer promotions to part-timers. My therapist assures me that she'll take care of all the paperwork and I decide: fuck this, I'm going on leave. I exhaust my PTO (not that I had much anyway, because I had to call off for flares so much) and FMLA is unpaid and short-term disability only pays 60%. I crowdfund via friends and family for $1,000 to get me through October and November. Medical bills start to pile up as claims get processed. I start IOP and learn a lot.

October: IOP is wonderful. I connect with my case manager and professor. School is a lifeline and keeps me focused. I start to dip back into writing and fandom. I reread pages of comments in my AO3 inbox. I start watching Word of Honor with the gals. I develop new routines and habits. Mid-October, short-term disability stops paying me because they need more paperwork, but don't actually tell me they need more paperwork until November. More medical bills. Increasingly bed/recliner and home bound from flares. I do well with the first Remicade infusion, which lasts 4 hours. The week after, the flare intensifies and I spend all week in bed. I was thankful for IOP being virtual. Second Remicade infusion causes anaphylaxis. I thought I was going to die at the clinic. They stabilize me without an epi-pen, so after 1 hour of observation + 2 bags of saline, I go home. My heart takes a hit, my autonomic system is thrown off, and the inflammation feels worse. My family members take shifts staying with me for 48 hours after, in case I continue to have a reaction or heart issues. Failure of this treatment really gets to me and I admit to my rheum that I'm ready to stop working for a while, either through long-term disability or SSDI. She's 100% supportive and I start researching my options. I write a bit. I watch new movies and read books. IOP ends and I feel so much better. The improvement is great. I don't feel rushed or pushed out of the nest and I don't have to go back to work until December. Halloween is difficult, first one without my grandma. I don't make an altar this year. I get my flu shot. I visit my oncologist and pass my yearly cancer check with flying colors; in 2 years I'll be able to graduate to appointments every 2 years instead of every 1.

November: Still not paid from STD. Generous folks get me through with finances for monthly bills, medical bills, and insurance premiums. I shakily start a new routine without IOP. On a good pain day, I take myself to a nearby art exhibit. I start knitting again to feel connected to my grandma. I help my mom host a dinner party. I'm still mostly house bound, but my mood about it improves. I keep researching SSDI and grad school for next semester. And then, my momma T dies suddenly. She was a second mom to me. I fly down to TN to be with her family (my family) and attend her funeral services. It is a difficult trip in every way possible, from the flights (being alone and disabled on a flight is awful) to the stay to the grief, and with the risk of Covid. I go because I will always regret it if I don't go. I spend 30 hours there and fly back.

I've stayed with my friends since I got back from TN. I go back home tomorrow, now that I have a negative PCR test.

My rheum and I decided to try Orencia next. I'm still gathering information about it before I actually take it. Rheum says to expect to feel flu-like sick for the first few doses.

My second liver MRI for the year is this Saturday. I don't have to travel into the city this time, which is a big relief. I get to have it done local. Let's hope for good techs. I'm going to treat myself to some nice yarn afterwards (cause it's close to the yarn store).

Got some more year-end appointments coming up, including a meeting with my hEDS doctor and endo. Need to schedule some PT for my left knee, which has early arthritis. I keep going to massages and acupuncture for any relief.

I'm back to writing. Little by little. My hands hurt a lot. Knitting helps keep the dexterity, but that too, requires frequent breaks.

Editing is easier, so I'm doing that more this week.

I've stayed with my friends for 6 days to quarantine and recover from my trip. It's been wonderful. They love me so much, I hope they know how much I love them. We're still working our way through Word of Honor.

I got my first covid test this past Monday. Made it this far not to need one, I am so grateful. Even more grateful that it comes back negative.

I want to focus on settling back in at home this weekend. Take it easy. Watch movies with my sister. Write. Drink cocoa. Put up my Christmas tree because dammit, I need some cheer.

I'm still a hockey fan. Lord, can I talk about hockey.

I took so many notes in IOP, and I'm so glad I did.

Pretty sure I got an A in my grad school class. One class down! I've tried to do grad school twice before and had catastrophic health events that forced me to withdraw/drop out (2013, cancer and 2018, liver disease). I'm not sure I can continue next semester (financially and unsure if I will apply for SSDI), but at least I started and finished one class.

I'm still working through grief. Still trying to accept my health issues and disability. But the mood stabilizer works, IOP was great, and I don't feel so overwhelmed.

So there y'all have it. An overview of what my life has been like in 2021. It's been a lot. I also like to document these things here and read through them in the future, to see how much I've accomplished. These entries are useful in a lot of ways. I think they bring you and I closer, and I get to really think about what has been going on. It's nice to feel connected to my emotions again, even the yucky and uncomfortable ones.

Okay, I'm off to edit a bit more before a break.

Thank you, y'all, for being here and being so kind. Thank you for welcoming me back. Thank you for simply existing. I can't tell you how much I love and appreciate y'all. This fandom is truly life-changing. <3

-Cal

#compo67 #authorial rambles #pls do not reblog #mental health #chronic illnesses #grief #long post is long #cal updates

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daydreamingintheimpalax · 4 years

Text

Little Beginnings

Dean X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of cheating, mentions of pregnancy, possible swearing.

A/N: Just a little something i wanted to write. Dean’s 40, Reader is 28.

************************

You were fucking late, again. Dean was an amazing boss, and an even better friend, but just because he was a super sweet guy, didn’t mean he was going to keep letting you get away with being late. To be fair, you were about 6 months pregnant, and it did cause for a lot of doctors appointments, which Dean had driven you to a few times when Andy was too busy at work.

Your fiance Andy and you had been engaged for the last year, deciding you were going to wait a while before getting married, Andy was up for a possible big promotion at his design company and he wanted to focus on his work, which you more than understood, so the couple times he’d failed to be there for some of the milestone appointments, you relied on the bus, making you late, opting Dean to offer to drive you so the other staff members would stop harrassing him about special treatment. I mean, you were pregnant, and it wasn’t your fault the appointments ran longer than usual and you’d missed the bus one too many times.

The bell above the auto shop jingled, signaling that you were finally at work, you were out of breath, stopping slightly to hold your belly. “I’m here, i’m here, i’m so sorry, it was suppsed to be a simple scan and then she thought she saw something and wanted to do a more extensive exam, and i promise next time i’ll just have her reschedule for my day off.” You gasped, out of breath from running all the way from the bus stop, all the extra weight making it harder to move fast.

Dean waved his hand dismissively, you could see he was sort of lost, trying to work the register, Dean wasn’t good at the front end work, he was however the best mechanic in town, so he handled the cars and you handled the cash.

“Hey, don’t worry about it, not your fault, if the doctor said you needed it then she must have been worried,” he finally stops and looks at you concerned, “Everything okay? are you and the baby okay?” He asks and you smile widely.

“SHE and i are just fine, she was just being squirmy.” You jump a little in place, finally having found out the sex. Dean’s eyes widen and a pure look of excitement and joy crosses his face.

“No way? It’s a girl?” He asks and you nod, squealing. Dean lets out a laugh and makes his way over, pulling you into him, not caring that he’s in his greasy work coveralls. “Congratulations, sweetheart!!” He speaks, placing a small kiss to your head.

He smells like car oil, a little musk from all the sweating from working in the extreme heat and the lingering scent of his aftershave and bodywash. It comforts you, you take a breath, taking in the smell, the familiar smell, Dean has always welcomed you with open arms, making you feel perfectly at home in his auto shop for the last 4 years. He had made you feel loved and valued when your own parents basically banished you for being pregnant before being married. If they had their way, you would’ve been married years ago, they had their opinions and beleifs and you didn’t follow them, and because of it, they hadn’t spoken to you since you told them the news.

“Have you told Andy yet?” He smiles, you shake your head, moving around him to show him how to open the cash. “Not yet, we’re suppsed to have dinner tonight, i was going to tell him then.” You smile, hardly containing your excitement. You open the register and Dean let’s out a small ‘yes’ before squishing your face, “What am i going to do without you while you’re gone.” He speaks and pinches your nose. You shove his hand away.

“You’ll be fine, plus if you need anything, call. No questions asked, just call.” You smile widely and he returns it.

The rest of your shift goes smoothly, you count the register at the end of the day, Dean cleans up and changes, grease still on him but for the most part he got it off, he waits for you and like a true well raised gentleman, he drives you home, not wanting you to walk or take the bus alone at night.

************************************

When you walk into your apartment, you don’t see Andy on the couch watching tv like he usually is, you assume maybe hes making dinner, since you are home much earlier than expected, the shop hadn’t been overly busy and Dean was so good with cars he had finished all his jobs for the day early.

You hang your coat up and walk into the kitchen, expecting to see Andy cooking, instead, your greeted with silence, with two almost empty plates on your kitchen table, but the part that makes your heart sink into your stomach is the two wine glasses, one, which has a very clear lipstick mark on it.

A bang comes from your bedroom upstairs, the fire in you already ready to explode. You make your way upstairs, and before you realize it, your swinging your bedroom door open, a woman is sprawled on your bed, her ass in the air as your fiance drills her from behind, his one hand gripping her hair as the other rests on the headboard, she lets out a scream and he swears under his breath. Finally able to speak you clear your throat.

“Are you fucking kidding me!” You yell and Andy freezes, the girl letting out a whine before she finally peels her head from your pillow. Your fucking god damn pillow.

“Oh my god, who is that.” She squeals before yaking herself off the bed and away from him, holding your blanket to cover herself up.

“I’m his fiance, his pregnant fiance. Who the fuck are you!” you scream, livid.

Andy is up, blanket around his waist before he’s walking towards you. “Baby, this isn’t- i uh- i can explain.” He stumbles over his words, not knowing what to do or say.

You glare at him, “How long?” you ask, he shakes his head confused. “How long have you been fucking her? and don’t you dare fucking lie to me right now Andy!” You scream and he flinches, not used to your high vocals right now.

He sighs, “Since you told me about the pregnancy.” He admits, running a hand through his hair, “Listen, i need to explain, i just, i needed a break, everything with the pregnancy has been too much to handle and im stressed with work, now the pregnany, i just, i needed to get away from it all.” He speaks and soon enough you’re in his face.

“What are you sick of Andy? The fact you have barely been home since i told you about it? or the fact you haven’t been to one single appointment? Not the first time we got to see it, not the first time we got to hear the heartbeat, and now, you couldn’t be bothered to come find out the sex with me, it’s a girl, FYI, you havent been around for any of it. So what exactly are you sick of? you’re a worthless piece of shit, and i never want to see you again. Go fuck yourself.” You finish it off with a slap to his face, the contact is so loud, even the girl behind him flinches.

She gives you a small smile when you make eye contact. “I’m really sorry, i didn’t know, he never mentioned you or the baby, if i had known...” she pauses, obvious guilt in her face. You shrug, “I know, do yourself a favour, find a better man to give yourself to, trust me, this one isn’t worth it.” You tell her, she swallows before grabbing her clothes and leaving the room, but not before glaring at Andy herself, “Don’t ever call me again.” She spits at him and he flinches, he tries to get close to you and you back away, skaking your head.

“No, i’m leaving.” You spit out and he frowns, a little angry. “Where are you going? You’re pregnant and you know damn well your parents won’t take you back in.” He says it with a tone, almost like he’s proud to know that’s true, without them, you have nowhere to go.

“I’ll figure something out, i haven’t needed you for the last 6 months, and obviously i still don’t.” You state, grabbing the prepared hospital bag you had done two months ago, for the most part it had enough stuff in it to get you by for a few days and you’d eventually come back for the rest of your stuff, preferably when Andy was away at work.

You storm out, getting into the car you had spent years saving to get, you had bought it on your own, but had decided since Andy made more money that he needed it more. As you drive away, you can hear Andy shouting, you roll down your window and catch the ending.

“You stupid bitch, how the fuck am i supposed to get to work!” He shouts, you laugh, “Take a bus, asshole. I paid for the car!” Before you’re peeling out of what is no longer your drive way.

�� ****************************

Dean’s surprised when he hears his phone ring, he isn’t expecting any calls, usually Sam is the only one who calls him, to be honest, he’s pretty much lonely most of the time.

Sammy tries to call each week, but he’s usually busy with work or the kids so usually Dean’s alone. Some days he wishes he had done what Sam did, settle down with a nice girl, have some babies, but most of the women he had dated just wanted the idea of a hardworking attractive man by their side, when it came down to it, they backed off when they realized he’d wanted more. it worked out for the best, none of the women in his life had ever truly been longterm material, sometimes he regretted having too much fun and not enough substance, airheads only stayed interesting for so long.

It’s 8:30 pm and he had just finished making one of his best pasta dishes if he does say so himself. He was about to dig in and turn on some criminal minds when his phone had gone off, he stares at it, not recognizing the number.

“Hello?” He speaks and a feminine voice is heard, “Hi, may i please speak to Mr. Dean Winchester?” She asks and he clears his throat, “Uh, speaking, who is this?” he raises a brow and his heart sinks slightly when he hears her speak.

“Hi Mr. Winchester, my name is Sadie and i am calling on behalf of Miss Y/N Y/L/N, i’m a nurse at memorial hospital and Y/N was in a small car accident earlier and she had you listed as her second emergency contact, she refused to allow me to call her first contact.” She speaks, Dean’s barely listened, he interupts her, completely worried why he’s being called.

“What? Where is Y/n, is she okay? is the baby okay? what happened?” He talks a mile a minute before the nurse calms him down.

“She and the baby are fine, she is however a little shaken up, can we ask that you come down here, maybe take her home, she refuses anymore help insisting she’s fine and she wont let us call her fiance.” The nurse sighs and Dean agrees.

He reaches the hospital in 15 minutes, rushing through the place to find y/n. Eventually he finds the nurse that called and he’s led straight to the room you’re in, you’re sitting in the bed, hands on your belly, moving them around and smiling when you feel your baby move. He let’s out a relieved sigh to see you’re okay, and thankfully, still pregnant.

“Y/N?” He speaks and your head shoots up, you let out a soft smile, he can tell you’ve been crying. “Hey Dee, glad to see you own something other than flannel and ripped jeans.” You smirk, he looks down at his sweat pants and hoddie, smiling to himself before letting out a small chuckle.

“Theyre my comfy clothes, shut up.” He teases and you giggle. He moves closer, sitting on your bed near you. “You wanna tell me what the hell happened, sweetheart?” He asks and you look down, focused on your hands on your belly, biting the inside of your cheek.

“After you drove me home, i walked in on Andy fucking some girl in doggy on our bed, i was furious and yelled at him before slapping him and leaving, i grabbed my to go bag and didn’t even care if it wasn’t enough and left, i took my car and just drove off, i didn’t really know where to go and i started crying because Andy was right about my parents probably not wanting me back, so i cried harder and i guess i couldn’t see clearly and went off road. It wasn’t bad, but i sorta put some dents and bumps in it, a jogger found me and insisted i go to a hospital and called the abulance.” You shrugged.

Dean scoffed, “Are you fucking serious, the nerve of that jackass, i swear if i ever see him i’m gonn-” You cut him off. “Dee, it’s not worth it, i’m mostly just mad at myself for not seeing it, the missed appointments, the constant late nights, he didn’t want this, the marriage, the pregnancy, he wasn’t ready, i should’ve figured it out, i should’ve seen it.” You shrug softly, wiping a tear from your eye.

Dean sighs, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “Hey, listen to me, this isn’t your fault, you didn’t force him to have sex with you, and you sure as hell didn’t get pregnant on purpose, if he didn’t want a kid, he should’ve kept his shit wrapped. He’s the asshole in this situation, not you. As for where to go, you should’ve called me, you know i always have your back. You’re staying with me,” you’re about to interupt him but he shuts you up with a hand, “No, no talking, and i’m not leaving you alone, you’re moving in with me and that’s final.” You huff and pout, making him roll his eyes.

“Don’t try to cute your way outta this, and don’t be stubborn, i got plenty of space not being used, i could use the company.” You huff, “Fine, but at least let me pitch in for rent..” He cuts you off, “No. I’m not charging you, save your money for the baby stuff your gonna need, just help me keep my fridge stocked and we’ll call it even, i’m a bad grocery shopper.” He smiles, you roll your eyes but agree.

*****************************

“Hey dee?” You speak as he drives you back to his place, “Yeah?” he hums as he fiddles with the radio before landing on a station. You look over at him and smile.

“Why can’t all the guys in the world be more like you?” You smile softly and he chuckles, “That wouldn’t make me one of a kind now would it darlin,” he shoots you a wink and you laugh, shaking your head.

“No seriously though, thank you, for everything, the job, the constant rides, always making sure im eating, getting my vitamins and water intake, always keeping your mini fridge in your office stocked with snacks, you’re literally amazing, and i don’t think i could’ve handled this whole siatuation well if it wasn’t for you. At this point, you’ve done more for me and this little girl than her father has, i need you to know how much i appreciate you.” You reach over, grabbing his hand and he looks over and smiles.

“I know y/n, don’t you worry about it. Besides, one of you already has me wrapped around her finger, what’s one more? Hmm?” He smirks, laughing at your shocked face. You shake your head at him, smiling as parks the car in his driveway. You both get out of the car, but before Dean can walk to his door, you pull him back towards you.

He’s surprised at first then melts into the kiss, wrapping his arms around your slightly big middle, he chuckles and pulls away when he feels movement in your belly. You laugh softly, “I think she likes you, she’s all excited.” You smile, letting him place his hand on your belly, feeling all the movement going on.

He smiles gently, “yeah well, i like her too, i really REALLY like her mom though.” He states, leaning in to kiss you yet again.

********************************

Tags: @akshi8278

#Dean winchester #Dean x Reader #Dean winchester x Reader

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years

Note

Hi Steph, you’re amazing at what you do. I just want to know from a true connoisseur, which 3 fics do you think you’ve read and re-read the most number of times? As in, 3 ultimate comfort fics.

Hi Nonny!

Ooof, I’ve been asked a similar question here a couple weeks ago, but hmm, this is actually something I never really had to think hard about! EXCEPT CAN I GIVE YOU 5? Because 5 immediately came to mind. Is that okay?? OMG I’m so sorry. Plus 5 is a number I like better than three, sorry :P Another weird tic of mine.

No surprise which is my first, hahah:

A Promise Made to Be Broken by PlantsAreNeat (E, 37,018 w., 7 Ch. || Fake Relationship, Pining, Slow Burn, RST, Eventual Relationship, POV Sherlock) – A young John makes an ‘if we’re still single at 40, we’ll get together’ pledge to a woman who ends up all wrong for him. She keeps reminding him of the promise, and won’t let go of it. John asks Sherlock to pose as his boyfriend at a family wedding, so as to dash her hopes permanently. Sherlock, who has at last acknowledged his feelings for John, reluctantly agrees despite knowing how painful it will be to ‘have’ John, but not keep him.

It’s just such a joy to read every single time, and I never skip any parts at all. Start to finish EVERY TIME.

Iris by slashscribe (E, 11,948 w., 1 Ch. || Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Post-S3) – Sherlock does his best to make John happy when John comes back to 221B with his new baby after the events of Season 3, but Sherlock has a track record of getting things wrong in this area. This story is an exploration of their gradual shift from friends to lovers, told from Sherlock's perspective, full of a lot of pining and lack of emotional awareness.

This was my first Parentlock fic I read and it’s why I now do read Parentlock. Still one of my favourites, and it’s short enough to read in one sitting. It’s just so sweet, and Sherlock is SO precious, and GAH I LOVE it. Another start-to-finish. Which then brings me to this one:

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

I REALLY like this fic because it’s Sherlock POV and it’s him learning about his feelings for John. THOUGH I feel bad admitting that lately, rereads usually start around Ch. 30, because I love John showing up all BAMFy in Ch. 34 and essentially tells the social workers to piss off. And Sherlock is RIDICULOUSLY adorably in love with John so much in this fic. I’ve reread the whole story enough to know what happens before Ch. 30, and all the smoopy stuff happens after that. BUT DON’T think I don’t love this story. I DO. A LOT. I just... Sometimes need certain parts of a story RIGHT now, and that one singular scene is one of them, and I always just keep going from there. :P

Classified(s) by blueink3 (E, 36,153 w., 4 Ch. || Wedding Date AU || Fake Relationship, Jealous, PIning, H/C, Idiots in Love, Happy Ending, Mary is not Nice, Escort Service) – Clara's American father is the ambassador to some such territory that Great Britain probably used to own, but she (and Harry’s undying love for her) is the reason John is getting on a flight at 12:30pm, flying across the second largest ocean in the world, and pretending to be in a perfectly happy, healthy relationship with an undoubtedly perfectly coiffed stranger. See, Clara is not only American (and wealthy to boot), she's also best friends with John’s ex-fiancée. Whom she's placed in the wedding party. As Maid of Honor. And John just happens to be Best Man. Bloody brilliant.

I just really love this one. It’s painfully sweet and OH GOD I love how much they fall for each other and HARRY IS TWINSIES AND SHE’S AWESOME. Love it. It’s such a feel-good fic with a great ending. Love it.

And:

Corpus Hominis by mycapeisplaid (E, 47,709 w., 12 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Case Fic, Fluff, Romance, Frottage, Angst, Anal, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Spas / Massages, Shampoo, Jealousy, Fake Relationship) - John knows the human body intimately. He’s had plenty of opportunity for study as a doctor, soldier, and lover. There’s one particular body, however, he knows very little about. When Sherlock launches himself head-first into a new obsession and they get sent on a case in an unlikely location, the pair discovers each other’s bodies with confusing yet delightful (and sometimes hilarious) results.

THIS FIC. GUH. Just, the way John pieces together how much Sherlock pines for him is ACHINGLY beautiful, that all comes together in a really tender scene in a pool. It’s the pool scene we should have had. UGH. AND SHAMPOO. And best friend Lestrade essentially telling John he’s a moron, LOL. LOVE this fic. I’m SO glad I finally remembered this one was the one with the Shampoo and the spa day.

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THIS IS ABSOLUTELY not my only always reads. In fact:

Top 30 Read-Again Fics (March 2019)

Top 30 Read-Again Fics Pt. 2 (Sept. 2019)

And I could TOTALLY do another 30 EASILY. The second one, I remember whittling it down quite a bit, LOL. These are just the first five that came to mind right away. I could also add these five:

a good old-fashioned happy ending by darcylindbergh (E, 32,731 w., 26 Ch. || Christmas, Frottage, Comfort, Est. Rel., Fluff, Insecure Sherlock, Frottage, Nightmares, Sleepy Sherlock, Marriage Proposal, Humour, Fluff, Dancing, Cooking, Happy Ending) – For Christmas this year, Sherlock wants to get John something special: something every fairytale deserves. Part 2 of things fairy tales are made of

Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w., 26 Ch. || Dollhouse AU || Case Fic, Slow Burn, Sci-Fi / Fantasy, First Kiss / Time, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF John, Falling in Love) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”

Perdition's Flames by i_ship_an_armada (E, 63,435 w., 21 Ch. || Treklock AU, Est. Rel, Genetic Engineering, Angst & Fluff, BAMF!John) – Sherlock would do anything to save him. Risk anything. Give anything. His money, his life. His soul. What he does, though, is change both of their destinies forever. Genetic re-engineering is the only option left. It turns out researchers underestimated the life expectancy and potential abilities of genetically re-engineered subjects. The British government and what would eventually become the United Federation of Planets, however, had not. Part 1 of PF Universe

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w., 23 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump, Mild DubCon, Hand / Blow Jobs, Torture) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w., 19 Ch. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate's charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

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OKAY I NEED TO CUT HERE or I will go on and ON and ON. Hope this answers your question alright <3

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #read again fics #fave fics #Anonymous

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xadoheandterra · 3 years

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Why so people always presume I will be staying late at work, without even fucning ASKING me. I was literally doing inventory because we didn't get to at end of year due to snow storm and I'm told "you better take a lunch your here to 4:30! Afternoons gonna get crazy!"

If I'm here to 4:30 after I stayed late Monday then bitch the other girl better be fucjing here to 4:30 too. She was fucking scheduled for both surgery and appointments after all. I sure as hell wasn't. I'm doing thr clinic and goddammit favor doing inventory right now for fucks sake!

Lo and behold other gal leaves, implying that suddenly I am supposed to be appointment assistant for our other doctor and doing inventory since we have two doctors on staff.

I stayed until almost goddammit. 6pm last night to discharge. I took late shift even though shift is technically over at 4:30.

I'm not SCHEDULED for exactly 30 hours and thus need to work ALL OF MY HOURS to maintain full time anymore. Most weeks I'm scheduled 40+ because I'm on surgery shift so I can leave early. What the fuck.

I'm pissed.

I'm also hungry but that's beside the point I'm mostly pissed.

#xadohe hates adulting #xadohe is apparently the clinical bicycle #fuck this and fuck everyone

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crocheturlove · 3 years

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TW// OCD & MENTAL HEALTH & SELF-HARM IDEOLOGY

Today has been a really shitty day for my OCD. Literally the first client of the day at the clinic triggered me and it's just continued to mount throughout the rest of the day (10-hour shift).

So, I just went through a 10-hour shift of flashbacks, and trying to not douse myself in Lysol. For anyone who does not want to read a play-by-play of my day, go ahead and skip to the TL/DR.

My OCD isn't something little. It's tied directly to my PTSD and any trigger to one causes the other to surface. My OCD primarily revolves around sanitation and contamination fears. Organization isn't an issue, I thrive in chaos, but everything it that chaos is sparkling.

I view triggers as contaminants, and they make everything they are in any physical contact with equally disgusting.

To preface I work at a veterinary clinic that is still strictly curbside only.

So here's my day: first person (an established client who has been a trigger for the entire time I've worked here) shows up at 7:15, no appointment. Comes in to the lobby, which is still closed, with her cat who has nothing wrong with it. I have to tell this woman several time to leave the lobby and call from her car as has been the procedure also since I've started. She finally does, Doctor G agrees to vacc the cat, says hey this'll be a drop off, because our surgeries are coming in. Woman drops the cat off and leaves. I am SPAZZED. I want to lock the door. I want to forbid this woman from ever coming anywhere near here. I smile and check the cat in.

We're short staffed today, which is fine L, my other desk lady, is awesome and we soothe egos and make impatient clients laugh. Doctor B needs help holding pets in the back and asks me to do it. I get to hold a wiggly husky pup, and grumpy old boxer, a floofy Himalayan! It's fine because I'm not working with Doctor G who will see the cat.

Doctor G asks me to get the cat.

I don't want to. I want nothing to do with it. This cat is an absolute sweetheart and one the clinic's best patients but because of its human I can't touch this cat.

I get the cat. And I hold it. Because no one knows I have OCD and they aren't about to find out now. I hold the cat so Doc G can vacc. I can feel every place where it touches me, I can feel it through my clothes. Doc G thanks me and I put the cat away and call the owner to let her know it's ready to pick up and to please call when she's outside. I want to claw my skin off.

OCD is a living thing, it mutates as it sees fit as your anxieties change. One day many moons ago my brain said, "Hey, y'know how pollen is blown around in the wind and coats things? What if contamination was like that?" And now windy days are the bane of my existence.

It was windy today. My car is outside in the wind. I was outside in the wind bringing in and taking out pets. My car is disgusting.

My shift ends.

Then I get in the car to go home. Have to go through three different car washes to feel like my car is clean enough. But everything I'm wearing is contaminated from being in the vicinity of this woman, from touching this cat, so it'll all be thrown away. I'll have to sanitize the inside of my car, too. I can't turn the air on before the car washes because then even more of the contamination and BAD and WRONG will be in the car. It's nearly 100 degrees outside and it's so hot and I'm so hot. I hate this i hate this ihatethis.

My mother calls on my way. I don't answer.

I didn't have enough shampoo. I've wrapped my hair so it can't touch anything until I can get more.

Finally I get home. Immediately command my service dog to stay when I open the door he can't touch me. Sanitize my hands four times. Four is a good number, very complete. Put his leash on him from where he's sitting. Tell him to go out ahead and potty. Bring him back in. Take off the leash. Strip. Everything goes in trash bags. They're double, triple wrapped. Shower. I do claw my skin then. I scrub and search the filth off. Why doesn't this water get any hotter? Why don't I have enough soap? I've washed at least 4 times but I don't ever stop at six. Six is a bad number.

My service dog is watching me. I get out of the shower and dry and he comes and leans against my legs. He lets me cry on him and rub his ears. Even as I'm writing this, he is curled here watching me and wagging him tail slowly. I can't have him with me at my current job, but hopefully I'll be going to a new one soon.

I hate OCD. I hate having it and that even a total of 8 months of inpatient treatment hasn't made a significant dent in it. I can function, and smile, and look perfectly normal when I have to. I want to claw my skin off. I want everyone who triggers me to disappear. I want to burn my abuser to ash.

TL/DR::

This was a really shitty day for my OCD. I'm tired. And I'm going to get up at 5:30 and go back to work.

#shut it jules #ocd rant #actually ocd #ocd #trauma #ptsd #service dog

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royaltee98 · 3 years

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The worst sickle cell crisis

September 25-October 3.2021

Saturday September 25.2021

This was Sunday 2:00 in the morning mom just finished changing my foot and I was watching the golden girls.I fell asleep for a few minutes feeling this awful pain in my lower back I called my dad to tell him that I was having pain and to tell mom but instead I called her. She came over and laid with me rubbing my back and gave me some Motrin, until the next morning…. to be continued

Sunday September 26.2021

This was Saturday afternoon I told my dad I was going to shower while in the shower I wasn’t feeling so good I had to rush and wrap myself in a towel and go sat under the ac because I was feeling very tired and shaking. My mom came in my room and said I didn’t so good, still in awful pain I had a nail appointment that I made last week so I went with mom feeling ok, it took like 30 minutes to do. I got back in the car feeling very tired again, I walked into my house put my stuff down I crawled into bed and continued to watched golden girls I fell asleep again and mom was still rubbing my back. I just couldn’t get comfortable I was moving all my bed.

My mom said do you want to go hospital I immediately said yes it was so hard to get dress my mom helped me while getting the hospital bag ready. I was in so pain it was very difficult to walk so my dad swung me over his shoulders and put me in my mom cars. While driving to the hospital I felt every single stop, bump, and turn in the road. I was crying”. I need relief, I need fast” for me to say that means the pain was sky high. Couldn’t get comfortable always turning and sitting still was so hard in the car.

I got to the emergency room at this point the pain was beyond a 10 more like 10,000 I felt like drawing out of my skin and curling up into a ball until the pain was 100% gone. Once I got in the back and the nurses started an IV for fluids I got strong *pain medication. I would sleep for 10 minutes and right back up balling crying, turning, asking for more relief.

I was being transferred to the 3 floor which was orthopedic floor with a clean hospital bed. I was going in and out of pain in between trying to sleep to the prior medication I was given back at home. My mom was always rubbing my back, hips, and legs. Getting up to use the restroom felt like my legs were set on fire and about to break at any moment. I spent that night and half the that next morning in so much pain and agony.

Monday September 27. 2021

It was the next morning still in was much pain. I did a chest X-ray and take and *nebulizer breathing treatment. This sweet nurse told my mom and I, I needed to be *I.C.U because my oxygen level was at a 45 and had pneumonia, no one on this planet earth should be at a 45. SIDE-NOTE: I cried but I remember when my auntie I wasn’t allowed in the ICU to say my goodbyes because I was to young I was 14 when she pass away from cancer. My body was asking for help and I was transferred to the I.C.U. Once I got into the ICU the nurses put me on the this *high flow oxygen machine. It felt like I was growing in my air the oxygen was going so fast up my nose and the taste was horrible.

I really didn’t have an appetite but I knew I eat something so I won’t have another on my hands. I took a few bites for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Still coughing, in an *active sickle cell crisis , pain was going on. I was in misery I just wanted home to see my sister.

Tuesday September 28. 2021

This morning I did so much such as go get a *CAT scan, do a *echocardiography and I need to use the restroom today. The nurse get a wheelchair for me, it felt so good to come out of ICU. I did a CAT scan before so I was use to it. I got to my room I made a thumbs up gesture to my mom. A few hours went then the echocardiogram technician came to my room, I was pretty nosey she allowed me to look. I asked questions because I was curious the way my heart sounded when she put on the audio gave me more power to fight my way out of the ICU.

The pain management doctor came to ask how is my pain and have went yet. I said my pain is ok and no I haven’t went he said ok and said that he would make a medical mixture for me. I was ok with that.

For rest of the day doctors and different labs techincan came in my room.

Wednesday September 29. 2021

I sat up the chair cause the bed was staring to get uncomfortable and by this time I haven’t went to bathroom and it was kind of getting painful by I still needed eat still taking a few bites of breakfast and I said to my mom that my stomach was hurting. In the ICU there is a little separator dividing the room in the corner was a toilet. ⚠️ TMI ⚠️ Ever since I was born I suffered and still suffer from constipation. That morning I took the mixture pill with my other medication. Let me tell you when I sat on that toilet it was like WW3 I could destroy the whole of Afghanistan the smell that came out my body could have taken me out. It went on for some time back to back ever for the next few days.

After I went I was so hungry any time a nurse came in and ask me if I wanted anything I said yes I usually got ginger ale and chocolate pudding, I love me some snack pack chocolate pudding.

I want to shoutout to my mom because I had so many wires on me, she did everything for me if you know what I mean 😉

Every hour my nurse came to check on me and my mom and ever 4 hours to me my iv medication and if I needed any pain medication. I started to wean off the pain medication because I didn’t want to get addicted to them but if I needed I would ask politely.

I had to sleep on my left side because I had the pneumonia was in my right lung. So I facing the door to my room I prayed to God basically saying: Dear God, please heal my lung so I can get out of ICU and to be able to see my sister and dad. I know that you can do it I believe in you.

Thursday September 30. 2021

Still in the ICU feeling much still can’t take a deep breath but I was working on the *breathing spirometer that is mess felt like hell. More doctors came in to update me and my mom, they said I looked perfectly fine but my CAT scan and X-ray was showing that I had fluid overload, a small amount of fluid around of heart, and pneumonia.

In my head I was like I need to get out of here. Still working on the breathing barometer trying to cleat my lung coughing like a maniac and sitting up off my lungs.

That night the new season of station 19 and grey anatomy came on so my mom and I watched while I ate my hospital dinner and mom had her dinner. After that I FaceTime my sister as I did ever night in hospital saying goodnight and making jokes I say goodnight and can’t wait to get home to her.

Ever other night my mom changes my wound I had of 10 years now; she was coming to the end of wrapping the rolled gauze around my foot. Around the same time the I got a new night shift nurse she would so sweet and her charge nurse pass her a piece of paper. She read it and wrote on my room board 2258 and said that I was switching floors. At that moment I knew God heard my prayer for the night before I was so excited that I was moving rooms.

My mom stared to packed our belongs and checking the room to see if we had left anything in the cabinet.

Friday October 1 2021

It was barley 1:00 in the morning on our way to the new floor. This floor was called *PCU entering our new room 2258 where we spent the next three days in. I told my mom one day closer to seeing my sister; the nurses slid me over to my new bed which was super uncomfortable. Now on this new floor between 12 and 4 they you sleep which was very comforting to hear.

I really didn’t sleep cause cause there was lab technicians taking my blood and nurses taking vitals sign. Once the sun came up my mom and I started to get up. I had such an appetite I ate all of my breakfast and was still hungry but my mom kept a sash of little snack from previous breakfast, Lunch, and dinner trays that I didn’t eat prior to being backed up so I had my favorite combo ginger ale and snack pack chocolate pudding.

The same doctor from the ICU came up was updated my mom and I still looked fine on the outside but the inside was still acting up. After they left I did so research why are keeping it is because I had a low grade fever due to pneumonia that’s all.

The physical therapist came in to work with me and my limp due to the wound I had and still have for 10 years. I walked the entire PCU floor, basic excise like in and out kicks, stepping in place, hip opener, and muscle resistance.

The more I felt better the more food was on my hospital food tray that night for dinner I had pasta and meatball with ice tea, and chocolate pudding. For the rest of night my mom and I watched tv and was heading to bed.

Saturday October 2. 2021

That morning my mom and I had a mission I was to freshen up, take my meds, let the nurses give me my Iv antibiotic and we were going for a walk on the PCU floor. After all that I decided to sit up in the chair again. The doctors came in and still I was feeling better but the x-rays were getting clearer still had pneumonia but I since couching and using my breathing barometer is was getting better. They wanted to still keep me over night to watch me for any fever spikes.

The fever spikes will only happened at 12:00 in the night so they still concerned about that. Physical therapist came to walked me and this time I didn’t even realized that I walked the over floor I was going my speed like yesterday but it seemed faster.

My dad stopped by to give me some really pretty flowers and to relieve my mom so she can go home and freshen up and checked on to my sister. My dad and I went for a walk and by the time we finished she was on her back to the hospital. She brought Popeyes and we watched the movie Selena I almost cried because I heard how she died by never got to watch it, it was the older one with Jennifer Lopez.

We continue to watch tv as we went to bed.

Sunday October 3 .2021

This was the morning I felt that I was going to be discharged form the hospital and on our way home. For breakfast I had some pancakes and sausage to drink I had some orange juice and the nurse gave me my medication and I was just chilling. The doctors came in by now it was just the fever spikes at night was reason they kept me an extra night. The nurse I had was trying to discharge me I really appreciated that.

Lunch time had just begun at the same time the nurse had came into my room to tell me I had been discharged in mid bite of my pasta and meatball I just felt it I was so happy to see my sister and dad. She said do you want to finish your lunch or just want to be discharge I said I wanted to be discharged so she was took off my heart monitor, pulse oximeter, and the IV I had.

She read me my discharge papers that I had to sign after that she went to go get a wheelchair and my mom went ahead down to get the car. For a moment I was left in the room by myself I turned on some gospel music and was praising God and thanking him for bringing me out of this one.

I told my mom to not to tell my dad I was being discharged cause I wanted to surprise him. He even called me I said the I using the bathroom the truth was I was sitting sign my discharge papers. While being rolled down to the lobby I kept thanking God for all his had done.

Pulling up to my house I got out of the car rang the doorbell and my dad opened the door and was so surprised and my sister was still sleeping so I waited until she had gotten up to tell her that I was in the ICU she just was surprised.

Now it has been four days I been home feeling much better still keeping up on my water intake and taking my temperature, oxygen levels and working on my breathing spirometer. God has and will forever been by my family and I side in times of needs he is just so good, caring, loving, merciful. Thank you God.

*pain medication: Dilaudid: treat moderate to severe pain

*nebulizer: A device for producing a fine spray of liquid, used for example for inhaling a medicinal drug

*I.C.U: a unit in a hospital providing intensive care for critically ill or injured patients that is staffed by specially trained medical personnel and has equipment that allows for continuous monitoring and life support

*high flow oxygen machine: Only offered if traditional oxygen therapy isn't helping, high flow oxygen therapy helps reduce the effort your body needs to put into breathing. By decreasing the effort of breathing and creating a small amount of positive pressure in the upper airways, this therapy helps improve oxygen delivery.

*active sickle cell crisis (in my opinion): is the pain the starts you feel it as the bad cells dies off

*CAT scan: n X-ray image made using a form of tomography in which a computer controls the motion of the X-ray source and detectors, processes the data, and produces the image.

*echocardiogram:a test of the action of the heart using ultrasound waves to produce a visual display, used for the diagnosis or monitoring of heart disease.

*breathing Spirometer:a common office test used to assess how well your lungs work by measuring how much air you inhale, how much you exhale and how quickly you exhale.

*PCU: The Progressive Care Unit or PCU is a telemetry (vital signs) monitored unit that provides care for adult patients requiring continuous cardiac monitoring

Love T.B.❤️

#sicklecellwarriors

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joshslater · 5 years

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The Reformatory

A rewrite of jd07201990′s swimmer story. Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

T -1

Dear diary or however you are supposed to start.

So tomorrow is the big day. Dad and I are sleeping at a Holiday Inn at the other side of the state. Well, I'm obviously not sleeping. How could I? So I thought I should start a journal of some sort to document this experience.

Some background. Two months ago I was in a fight with Mark Samberg on the football team. It had gotten pretty bad between the football schmucks and us swimmers. The jockheads were constantly harassing us, calling us fags and prissy boys. It happened often and was getting boring. As the captain of the swim team I asked Mark to knock it off and get his players in line. Idiot as he is he tried to knock me out instead, and I lost it. In our scramble I managed to knock him down and was about to kick him in the shin when he shifted and instead I connected with his knee. Apparently it fractured. He'll be able to walk and even run, but he'll not be able to play again for years, so he lost his Scholarship.

His family sued everyone they could. Me, the school, the swim coach. In the end all the lawyers sat down in a room with a local judge and came up with something they all could agree to. Mark gets some study assistance to get his grades up, the school had this quickly brushed under the carpet, and could pretend I was never student there. Me not graduating wasn’t really a blow, as my college fund now went to pay for Mark’s education, as compensation. They were rich enough to afford it anyway, but they wanted to see punishment. I get the honor to spend the next 180 days at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where I will "participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs". They can tack on some extra days for bad behavior without going back to the judge, but essentially I get 6 months at bad boy camp for standing up to bullies.

What will I do there? No idea. The website talks a lot about work ethics and responsibility and working together with the local community. Sounds like labor camp to me. I'll guess we'll know tomorrow. But first we have to visit the hospital for a check up. My first day in prison will mostly not be in prison!

Day 1, Monday

We started with a checkup at the hospital, and man did they do a thorough job. Our appointment was at 10, but before that I had to fill out a form with 100 questions. The doctor spent more than 30 minutes doing the most extensive check I've ever had. Not only that, but after the check we had to go to the sample lab to draw blood, and finally I had a CT scan at noon. After that, and a quick lunch, we drove to the actual reformation center, which was in a smaller town 2 hours away.

It's an old boarding school building that they've turned into this "Reformation Center", and it clearly looks more like a prison than a school. Just a heap of two story brick and concrete buildings out in nowhere. Not much of security, but then everyone was there "voluntarily", meaning that we all had a proper punishment waiting for us if we left. I hugged dad goodbye and was shown to Mr. Kerwin’s office by the entrance guard.

Mr. Kerwin was a lean, ripped man in his forties that oozed military discipline. He explained that he was responsible for my rehabilitation and that he wouldn't start soft. He would give me a packed schedule, and if I didn't pull my weight he would add more days for "noncompliance". If I didn't like it I could run back to judge Stephenson and ask to start over in juvie.

Perhaps that would be better, because the schedule he showed me was totally insane.

4:30-5:00 Breakfast 5:00-8:00 Exercise pass 1 8:00-12:00 Work pass 1 12:00-12:30 Lunch 12:30-14:30 School 14:30-17:30 Work pass 2 17:30-18:00 Dinner 18:00-21:00 Exercise pass 2 21:30 Lights out

He explained that my breakfast, lunch and dinner would be pre-portioned and I was required to eat all of it. The exercise passes would be lead by himself or one of the assistants. Again, I would have to follow every instruction. The work passes were done at local businesses that wanted an extra hand, and changed depending on demand. The school passes were done as a group on whatever subject Mr. Reed selected.

Next he ordered me to get naked and place all my clothes on top of my bag and move to the other side of the room. Having done so he pointed at a stack of clothes on the table and told me to pick my size and get dressed. I quickly dressed in one of the track suits from the table. There was a baseball cap also, which confused me, but was told that it was instead of sunglasses when working outdoor.

With that I was given a rule book to study and was led by an assistant to my room where a dinner was waiting. Turkey, rice, water. I was reminded of lights out at 21:30 and wake up at 4:30. The assistant left and locked the door. 10 minutes later he came back with my journal book and pen, and told me that they'll keep the rest for now.

Having eaten the dinner and having three hours (I'm almost sure 21:30 is 9:30 PM) to kill before the lights go out I'm now summarizing the day. I'm sitting in something very similar to a prison cell. Bed, toilet, sink. Everything is clean, though somewhat worn. Looking into the mirror is kind of depressing though. I look like some jailed gang member.

It's kind of weird that I haven't met any of the other inmates, sorry students, here. I saw some of them while coming in, but perhaps this is their kind of hazing, or they do an official presentation tomorrow. Anyway, I should study the rule book and go to bed, since I didn't sleep much last night.

Day 2, Tuesday

So much to write about, so little time. I might have to split this into several entries since lights out is in 20 minutes.

I was awaken at 4:30 and given a tray with a large bowl of porridge and berries and some chalky smoothie or shake or whatever to drink. After that an assistant lead me to the gym room where we went over various machines, mainly for cardio. Elliptical, bike, treadmill. Weird thing was that it was only us two in the room during all three hours.

Sweaty and a bit tired I was then taken outside to a bus where some of the other boys where chilling. Apparently everyone else had breakfast between 7 and 8. They had no idea why I didn't join them there. The bus then drove around town and the driver announced who should exit where. My group of four people exited at a farm before town, only about 5 minutes away. I don't know exactly since I haven't been given my watch back.

There we spent hours just moving hay. Don't they know about tractors? Sweaty, itchy, tired and hungry we were then picked up and driven back. At lunch was the first time I saw the real common area. To my surprise there were more boys there than had been on the bus.

Everyone else could pick what they wanted from what was served, but I was given a ready tray with an heap of salmon and pasta. I was starving though, so it wasn't a problem to eat it all. I didn't have much time to talk, but the guys at my table were nice. Somewhat rough, as could be expected. Apparently you were chosen for the different work assignments, and if you were not picked you stayed at the center for sports or craft or similar things.

After Lunch followed a session with Mr. Reed. The first boring hour was on English grammar and the second boring hour on US geography. I aced the quizz getting all 50 states and state capitols right, so I didn't learn anything new after that. Then Mr. Reed announced who had work assignments, and I was again selected.

This time I and Troy were dropped off at a different farm where we spent almost three hours helping with fencing. Mainly carry posts and sawing them to length.

For dinner I had some meatballs with roasted sweet potatoes while everyone else had meatballs with tomato sauce. Mr. Kerwin picked me up and led me to the gym. Unlike the morning session this was all about weight training. Most of it was on finding my limits for different exercises while Mr. Kerwin pointed out how I could improve my form. You could tell that this was what he liked to do, and encouraged me to push a bit further. Once we were done I had a bottle of post workout mix of some sort and a very quick shower before rushing back to my room.

Here's the thing. My room is on a different floor than the other guys. Also, my schedule appears to be different and much more rigid than the rest of the guys. I also

Day 3, Wednesday

I couldn't finish the last entry before they cut the light. My entire body is in pain right now. I woke up like that, and it didn't go away all day. Same schedule as yesterday, but different tasks and different dishes. The assistant really pushed today during the morning session, so I was exhausted already at the bus. Planting bushes at the city park all morning didn't help. I got some rest during Reeds rehash of elementary math. Then back to doing fences, and top it all off with weight training. I asked Mr. Kerwin about the schedule and why it was so different from everyone else’s. He said that everyone's schedule is individual and that he'll adjust mine as needed.

One more weird thing before I fall to sleep. Everyone else is using their normal clothes. I haven't gotten mine back yet.

Day 4, Thursday

FUCK! I was back on moving hay today again, with Sam, Trevor and Rick. I'm still hurting like hell and Rick is one lazy motherfucker, so old fart Farmer Joe decided to complain. The end result is that I am getting 2 days added for noncompliance. Sam, Trevor and Rick got nothing. WTF!

Day 5, Friday

We were carrying merchandise all morning and Troy heckled me on how I got more days because of the piece of shit Rick. But he then said that it was a weird coincidence that every work shift I've been on has been the toughest one.

Instead of going to class I met with the doctor from the hospital who made a visit. He asked me about how I felt, where I was sore etc. Then he gave me an injection which he said would ease things for me. I didn't feel much different, but I was getting really sleepy getting back to Mr. Reeds class, but it might just be that everything he did was too simple and boring.

Apparently while I had a check up Troy had shared his theory about me being a work magnet, so there were some groans from the guys placed in my group. God damn fence work again.

Man, I'm tired. I was tired even before Mr. Kerwin gave me the toughest weight pass ever. Fuck, I'm tired.

Day 6, Saturday

So the weekend schedule is different. There is still a morning work pass, basically only used by the local farmers. But the afternoon is free both on Saturdays and Sundays. Conditions and terms applies, apparently. Since I haven't done any cleaning or dishes all week (how could I?), I'm assigned washing clothes, sheets etc. Man, how much better it is to carry laundry than hay. Best job assignment all week. Lots of downtime. Only real drawback is all the humidity. It’s steamy AF here.

Still fucking 3h workout pass in the morning and evening. The other boys were pretty vocal in mocking me on my way to the gym.

Day 7, Sunday

So the day started out as any other so far. Woke up sore. Breakfast alone and 3 hour gym session. There are no work passes outside LARC on Sundays, so I was hit with cleaning, together with Kyle G. and Rick. Rick ghosted after like three minutes, but KG did a solid work. It took us all the time til lunch though to finish it.

Then my first free couple of hours all week. It’s insane. The other guys were low key avoiding me, so I did what Mr. Kerwin had suggested and had a walk in the forest. It was actually kind of nice, and for some weird reason I didn’t feel like sitting still.

Day 8, Monday

Same shit again. Mr. Kerwin gave me a shot in the arm this evening. Apparently I’ll have one each Monday from now on. Whatever.

Also I found out today that the others don’t have formal lights out. I’m on my own floor so they can lock me up and cut the power. What the fuck?

Day 9, Tuesday

That fucker Rick slacked off again, taunting me about another two days. Ha! I got 10. Mostly for kicking him in the teeth. They locked me in my room, so I had lunch there and sat in this boring ass cell during class and work. Fuck, I don’t know what’s worse. I had to do some body weight exercises to keep sane. Fuck this shit.

Back again. I still got to have my evening workout. Kerwin was pushing harder than ever. The order of exercises was different too. Apparently to make the major muscles tired so smaller muscle groups then get to work. Or something. I don’t give a shit.

Day 11, Thursday

They fucking work now, don’t they the little shits. They know I ruined someones career to get here and another one for slacking off. They better pull there weight

Day 14, Sunday

I think I’ll stick to just write on Sundays. There is only half an hour from evening gym to lights out, so there isn’t much time for writing. I’ve even skipped shower a few times. It’s not like it matters when you start every fucking day getting soaked with cardio. Not like there are any girls around to impress either. Sunday has a different vibe tho. Cleaning, running in the forest and taking a long shower.

Starts and ends with fucking gym time though.

Day 21, Sunday

I really fucking like the forest runs. Its like you don’t have to think and can just run wherever and grab whatever and smash whatever. Fucking love it

Day 28, Sunday

Yay! A full fucking month!

It’s crazy though how much stronger I’m. I have gone up one size larger track suite and 2 sizes larger sneakers. Working hard to make me the best I guess.

Day 42, Sunday

guess i forgot about writing last week. i think the monday shots make me angry or something because last week fucked up someone else on tuesday. at least they all give me fucking respect at least.

Day 92, Monday

i dont give a shit abot reeds borin ass lessons and they fuckin repeat on a loop or some shit. today he was back on gramr and the states. i most time dont fill out his shit but wanted to do it again today. fucking aced most of the states. not so good on the capitols tho

Day 203, Sunday

only 2 weeks left tomorrow lol then im gonna yeet the fuck outta here !!!! adios motherfuckas

Mr. Kerwin enters the room, carrying a folder, and walks behind his desk, not even looking at me. I am sitting in his precious fucking antique chair I pulled from the corner. He’s sitting his ass down, rifles through the papers in the folder and starts to read from one of them.

“John Hamlin agrees to 180 days of rehabilitation training at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where he will participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs, with a possible extension of 30 days for noncompliance and a possible extension of 60 days for infractions as described by the Juvenile Rehabilitation Act (JuRA), section 1103 (b).”

He looks up at me. It sounded like easy shit when I said yes to it. I thought half a year in a bad boy summer camp, or worst case something like prison, but that would have been miles better than this fucking non-stop hard labor shit. And 180 days was a fucking joke. They never fucking intended that to be the actual time. Have someone else slack off and the slap another 2 days to the time. Kick a chair to pieces, 5 days. Punch a guy for being a cunt, 10 days. I’m close to having another fucking outburst again. It must be all that fucking shit they put in the food or shakes or whatever. I fight it. I don’t want to show any emotion in front of him. I don’t think he buys my shit.

“There is another document in the agreement that you haven’t heard. This one between Mark and judge Andrews.”

He pulls out another paper from the folder and read it.

“The state hereby directs Mark Samberg, or person(s) by him so designated, to design and oversee the rehabilitation program of John Hamlin to be administrated at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center. This includes physical exercises, physical therapy, education, consoling, dietary plan and medication, as long as it fulfills the positive development criteria (Appendix D), is within the available services at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center (Appendix A) and within the given budget (Appendix C). Additional services require external financing and approval from the Reformation Center management (Appendix B).”

That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why the hell had the judge put Mark in charge of my schedule? I understand why he’d want to make the experience suck as much as fucking possible for me, by why had everyone agreed to it? Kerwin looks at me as if he can read an open book.

“You are wondering what has happened to you. What was the meaning of all this? Stand up.”

I jump to my feet. There are still weeks he can add to my time here, and I don’t want to give him any fucking reason to add some shit.

“Stand with your feet as close together as you can.”

He’s never asked me to do that before. I can easily tap me feet together, but I can’t really stand still with my feet right next to each other for long. What the fuck is this bullshit? My thighs are too massive for that.

“Sit down again.”

He leans back and watches me with a bemused smirk.

“Imagine that you’d been away from swimming half a year. Even if you kept in shape it would take you months to be back in good enough technique to clear the swim team tryouts. But you have not kept in shape, have you? You have a completely new shape.”

The blood is draining from my face. I understand where this is going.

“With your upper body build you can physically really only do butterfly strokes properly, but if you can’t bring your feet together the leg kick will just be a wild thrashing of water. You swimming medley would be a hilarious joke. We haven’t even talked about you almost doubling in weight, and how much more oxygen you would need to swim. Sure, you are much stronger now, but old you would swim circles around new you. And that is of course the point. If Mark couldn’t have his sports career, he didn’t want you to have yours either. And the judge agreed.”

I’m surprised that the chair doesn’t break, as hard as I’m squeezing it. I’m boiling with fucking rage. I have to really focus to not to act on it.

“Now the judge specifically set out that this transformation couldn’t be punishment in itself, but rather that you were trained in a way that just wasn’t optimal for swimming. We may have gone a bit overboard with the body building to leave you many options though. You’ll obviously never be competitive in anything with speed or agility, like football or boxing. The metabolic conditioning, hormone treatment and gene therapy have far to long lasting effects to change you back from where you are now. You could try wrestling or weight lifting though, unless you mind showing your erection through spandex.”

“What the fuck?”, I said, as much as a general question to all the things he’d said. What does metabolic conditioning mean? Gene therapy? Erections?

“The medical regimen that Marks family found for you kind of put the feet on both the gas and the break at the same time. It forces the body to grow a lot at the same time as we try to stop it, so it has to try even harder. By injecting stem cells with the right CRISPR-modified DNA we could get rapid, major and long lasting changes. Well, I say we, but all I did was to make sure you kept to the exercise regimen, for a little cash on the side… Surely you didn’t think you got larger feet and dick from eating much and working hard?”

I don’t understand exactly what they done to me, but the result is pretty fucking clear. There was no way I would swim competitively ever again, if I could even fucking swim at all now. I would come out of here looking like a fucking balloon animal muscle jock, and shedding the muscles back to where I were would take shitloads of years.

“The hormone treatment finished two weeks ago and last blood sample shows that your natural hormone levels will keep you muscled and pumped probably well into your forties. So this morning I also cut you off from all suppressive medication as well. That is going to spike your hormone levels and mess quite a bit with you, so we need to see just how badly fucked up you are before we can release you.”

“The good doctor say that you’ll be more irritable and have more excess energy than before. Both something you can work on with regular, hard exercise. But I want to see where you really are at now, so starting today you’ll have no required gym time and labor passes. You can wake up when you want, eat what you want and do what you want.”

“You said erections?”, I asked.

“Yeah, the suppression medication should have kept you limp. You haven’t jacked off while here, have you? Well, you heard what I said about gas and break and compensation. Your body has been pumping massive amounts of hormones into your blood, and will continue to do so. But now that you don’t have the suppressives anymore you should expect to be horny for the next decade or two. You’ll be nothing but a lumbering muscle dildo.”

There’s a crack somewhere inside the wood of the armrest. Fucking fourteen more days, I have to remind myself. Don’t fuck any shit up before then. If I let go of the chair I’m quite positive I will knock him the fuck out. Fourteen fucking more shit days.

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homoose · 3 years

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Love Has a Learning Curve: epilogue (OC)

Summary: An early morning, a doctor’s appointment, a new beginning.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Category: fluff

Warnings/Includes: pregnancy (including like… probably incorrect math and science but my degree was in English and this is fanfiction okay)

Word count: 2.7k

a/n: I’m actually so emotional don’t look at me thanks ♥️

Series Masterlist

———

The sound of Spencer’s ringtone pierced through the early morning quiet, shrill and disconsolate. Maggie hummed against his chest, shifting as he clumsily reached across to the bedside table to answer it.

“Hey,” he croaked, voice still smothered in sleep. “Mm... When?” He paused, and she could almost make out the answer on the other end. “Got it. Yeah.”

“Yeah.” He ran light fingers down her arm. “Jet’s taking off in ninety minutes.”

“I don’t wanna go,” he whispered.

“I know.” She pressed a kiss over his heart through his t-shirt. “I know.”

“I’m gonna miss everything,” he lamented. “Appointments, and milestones, and firsts, and I— I’m gonna miss all of it.”

“Yes, it is.” He shook his head. “They're all important.”

She handed him his toothbrush and turned to grab his toiletry go-back from the linen closet, stifling a yawn. “Mmhm. What else?”

“I didn’t know that,” she admitted, turning back to set the bag on the counter. “That’s pretty amazing. What about the heartbeat?”

“Honey.” She stood and held out her hand to him, smiling a little when he accepted it with a squeeze. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Maggie made her way back to bed, scooting down under the duvet to preserve the last remaining notes of his body warmth. She watched as he dressed silently, pulling on trousers, socks, a button up and cardigan. He skipped the tie in favor of coming to sit on the bed, bringing his hand to rest lightly over top of her belly over the covers.