#MY BOY HARALD HARDRADI

[nimblermortal]

It is time for MY BOY, Harald Hardradi, also known this night as That Little Bitch

So he makes his way to Constantinople - and I was hoping for more detail on how he won Jarizleif's favor, but at least 'led the defense of the country' nods in that direction - where Gyrgir is leading the Varangian Guard, but of course my boy Harald quickly wins their loyalty.

They're sent into the field, and the Varangians arrive first and get their tents set up in the best (highest, non-swampy) ground. Then Gyrgir rides up LATE and demands they move so he can have the nice spot. My boy Harald declares, "Naw, son, we got dibs."

It nearly comes to blows for some reason, so the wiser, greyer heads step in and say, let's draw lots for it. Both parties agree. Now my boy Harald, he's no fool, so he asks Gyrgir to show him his lot so that they don't make the same mark on it. Gyrgir does, Harald marks his, they both put 'em in the bag. Graybeard draws a lot out and says, "These shall be first to ride, to row, to choose a berth in harbor, and to select a place for pitching their tents."

He does not get any further before my boy Harald swats the thing out of his hand and throws it into the sea, declaring it's his lot.

Gyrgir goes, "If that's so, why didn't you let others see it?"

and of course my boy Harald's response is, "If you're so suspicious, check what's left in the bag - it's got your mark on it."

Which of course it does.

[nimblermortal]

You know that batshit (ha) WWII strategy where they were going to attach bombs to bats and let them fly back to their roosts to bomb European cities?

Yeah, my boy Harald actually did that according to this medieval history. Set a slow fuse on a pigeon, let it go back to its nice tinder nest, and thereby set the city on fire. I'm starting to think the WWII strategists... read Snorri Sturluson.

[nimblermortal]

So the larger story of why Harald was able to marry a princess while in exile goes:

-his half-brother Olaf spent his childhood in exile in Kiev

-Olaf then went back to Norway and became king

-Olaf then got ousted from his country and came back to Kiev (ruled by Jarizleif) with his family (son Magnus certainly, half-brother Harald I assume)

-Olaf then returns to Norway with his family to reclaim his kingdom, a claim that Jarizleif would quite reasonably believe he could do, in my opinion

-Olaf dies. Magnus returns to Kiev for a few years, then goes back to Norway to conquer it.

-During this period Harald makes his way back to Kiev and captains its guard for a while

-According to Scandinavian skalds, who are not in the least biased, he does a very good job

-Then he goes south to Constantinople, leads the Varangian guard, and pursues a "why win when you can cheat" strategy of war that is highly successful in Africa (again, according to our perfectly unbiased Scandinavian skalds who definitely know stuff like how many cities there are, that forty is a number culturally used to mean lots, etc.)

-Whenever he sacks a city he sends his share of the loot back to Kiev and Jarizleif

From Jarizleif's point of view, this family keeps running back to him, living there for a few years, then claiming they're going to go back to Norway and conquer it, which they do. Consistently! And then this guy, he wants to go to Constantinople, sure, sad to lose a good general but J-boy doesn't have a hold on him, he's not a citizen or anything. My boy Harald then starts inundating him with treasure from his spoils. So, likely future king, good trade deals, crap-ton of African gold flooding his country? Yeah, that's a good investment.

[nimblermortal]

Me: My boy Harald Hardradi - Icelandic skalds, laying their hands gently over mine: OUR boy

[nimblermortal]

I'm depressed and full of self-hatred tonight. You know what's there for me in times of woe? That's right, medieval Norse history!

More specifically, I wanted to ask you guys if this is treachery/regicide or not, because I feel like it has to be but I can't figure out how. So I'm just going to copy pretty much the whole section.

So Magnús is the grandson of my boy Harald Hardradi, and when his dad dies he is of course elected. But not everybody agrees with that, and so wannabe Hákon goes to Trondheim (it's always Trondheim, it's always. Trondheim. Thronders are always up for a rebellion. Also people named Hákon.) and gets himself elected king there, and he's popular enough, due to giving tax cuts to the rich, that people like him.

- side note, one of the concessions he grants is "He also exempted them from having to give Yule presents [to him]" and I know what the brackets are doing there but I am deeply amused by the idea that he got himself elected by exempting everyone from having to get Christmas presents for each other -

---

In the fall King Magnús journeyed north to Kaupang [in Trondheim], and when he had arrived there he went to the royal estate and dwelled there during the beginning of the winter. He kept seven warships in an open space in the ice of the Nith river in front of the royal residence. But when King Hákon learned that King Magnús had arrived in the Trondheim District he came west [north] over the Dofra Mountains to Trondheim and to Kaupang, and took lodging in the Skúli residence below Saint Clemens Church. That had been the old royal residence.

King Magnús thought ill of the great concessions which King Hákon had made to the farmers to win their favor. Magnús considered that it was no less his own property which had been given away, and he was greatly incensed about that and considered himself wronged by his kinsman in thus having so much less revenue than his father and forefathers had, and blamed Thórir [Hákon's co-conspirator] for that. King Hákon and Thórir became aware of this and were apprehensive of what measures Magnús would take. They thought it ominous that Magnús had afloat warships tented and equipped.

In spring, near Candlemas Magnús set out at dead of night and stood out with his ships tented and with lights under the tents, and sailed to Hefrin Head. There they stayed during the night, making great fires up on land.

Then King Hákon and the troops in the town thought that this was done to trick them. He had trumpets blown to call out his forces, and all the people in the town came and collected in one place. But in the morning at dawn, when King Magnús saw the assembled multitude on Eyrar Point, he sailed out of the fjord and south to the Gula Assembly District.

Then King Hákon prepared for proceeding east [south] to Vík. But before that he held a meeting in the town and there made a speech bespeaking the friendship of the people and promising to be friends with all. He said he felt much misgivings as to what King Magnús, his kinsman, intended to do. King Hákon sat on horseback, all ready to start out. Everyone vowed friendship and good will, promising to him their aid, if that was required. And all the multitude followed him out to Steinbjorg Hill [west of town].

King Hákon journeyed up to the Dofra Mountains; and one day, as he rode over the mountains, he followed after a ptarmigan which flew away from him. Then he took deadly sick and expired there on the mountain. His body was brought north and arrived in Kaupang half a month after he had left it. Then all the people of the town, most of them weeping, came to meet the body of the king, because everybody had loved him with heartfelt affection.

The body of King Hákon was interred in Christ Church. King Hákon had reached the age of about twenty-five years. He was one of the chieftains who was most beloved by all the people in Norway. He had traveled north to Permia, had fought there, and won a victory.

[nimblermortal]

Who needs effin' dowsing when you can torture a snake?

My boy Harald Hardradi, tying string to its tail and having it brought to a fire "to heat and exhaust it so that it should becomes as thirsty as possible"

[nimblermortal]

Sins My Boy Harald Hardradi Has Committed

Murdering a defense attorney (and his son)