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vanchlo · 5 years ago

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The Assistant / Chapter Twenty Nine, “Strength In Weakness”

Warning! This story contains mentions of: death, cancer, heart attacks, hospitals, funerals, and brief mentions of end of life care.

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Sneakyyyyyy Peeeeeeeeek

Our tears hold silent words of understanding. Understanding that the other is in pain. Pain perhaps we can’t name, but that of which we share. And they hold the comfort found in that understanding. The pain of watching a sick loved one, because why else would he also be here at 9 pm on a Wednesday night? His sniffles fill my ears, with the movie a hum in the background. I feel everything pour into those tears as I clutch the back of his jumper.

The missing him. The regret. The hundreds of emotions because of that stupid ring. The longing for him. The whirlwind of emotions from when he spoke to my class. The sad happiness at seeing him behind me at the vending machine. The relief. The worry about my dad. The fear from the surgeon’s words. All of the stress. The pain I’ve bottled up from being away from him.

“Harry,” I say aloud, almost on accident. My head would’ve said it, anyways.

“Becks,” he whispers, sounding disbelieving with a shake of his head.

“Do you h-have any recommendations then?” I stutter, blinking hard with a mental curse for not even being able to say three words to him before screwing up.

“Uh, tha giant cinnamon roll isn’t too bad, ‘specially when ya microwave it. ‘s very filling, tho. I doubt ya'll be able t’ finish it all,” he answers with a soft shrug.

I pull my battered purple wallet from my brown purse. Finding my card, I swipe it and press the code for the cinnamon roll. The curly wire holding it in place unravels. It falls with a satisfying thud.

“Maybe I’ll have to find somebody to share it with then,” I quip, turning to face him with the cinnamon roll now clutched in my hand. He wasn’t kidding, this thing is big.

“Well, I might just know where a microwave ‘s,” he replies with a smirk. I nod and follow his long legs clad in fitted joggers.

The silence is unsettling and awkward as I follow him down the length of the hallway. I wonder at first if he knows where he’s going, but after about twenty seconds, we arrive in the family room on this floor. Hmm, perhaps he’s been in this hospital longer than he can remember, too. Sofas and chairs surround a tv. Familiar puzzles, magazines, and books occupy the nearby table. The fridge hums and clunks nearby.

“Think there’s anything good on the telly at this time?” I ask nervously, finding a seat on the comfiest sofa around. Fiddling with my hands, I watch him open the bag and place it inside the microwave.

“Prolly not. ‘s prolly a buncha adverts an’ tha like. Maybe a good movie on somewhere,” Harry answers.

I blink hard, and yet the same unbelievable image still surrounds me.

Harry standing with his back to me.

Black joggers hugging his lean legs.

Black trainers.

A gray hoodie donning his upper half.

His curls are short, but maybe a little longer since the last time I saw him in that lecture hall.

He plays with them, but stops when the microwave announces its ends with annoying beeping. It’s hard, but I rip my eyes away from his body and reach to pick up the remote. I see him out of the corner of my eye grabbing plates and utensils. The television screen comes to life in front of me, and sure enough an advert for a special type of pillow fills the screen.

“Christ, not one o’ those my pillow adverts again,” Harry remarks disdainfully as he sits down on the other side of the sofa with a sigh. I toe off my shoes and let them fall to the floor.

Crossing my legs criss-cross applesauce, I giggle and change the channel. “You say that like you know what he’s talking about.”

“Yeah ‘cause I do, tha bloke’s bloody annoying. I can’t sleep some nights an’ ‘ll accidentally leave tha telly on an’ wake up t’ his bleedin’ voice at 3 in tha morning,” he huffs, pulling a laugh from my lips. “Here ya go, but be careful cuz ‘s hot.”

“Thanks.”

“No, thank you. ‘ve been cravin’ one o’ these, but ‘ve been tryna stay away from those bloody vendin’ machines,” he mumbles, tsking his lips as he cuts a piece of the cinnamon roll.

I prop my plate on my lap and surf through the channels before finding the movie, The Shining, on an odd channel. “Oooooo, this is a good one,” I comment before picking up my plastic knife and fork.

“Yeahhhhhhh. Hey, I wouldn’t ‘ave pegged ya fer a King fan,” Harry comments and I shrug before laughing at him. I watch him blow on the huge steaming bite of cinnamon roll. “What, ‘m hungry an’ tha cafe closed hours ago? Plus, dis floor has tha best vendin’ machines.”

“Nothing, I . . . just can’t remember you ever being patient enough to not burn your mouth,” I laugh, and watch one trickle from his lips. “You were always burning your tongue and mouth on those tacos, and gnocchi soups we had. It looks like nothing’s changed.”

“Oh, but tha churros an’ chocolate sauce were even worse. They were always pipin’ hot,” he adds with his mouth full of ooey gooey cinnamon roll. An uncalled for dirty thought pops into my head, making me clench my fist.

I laugh in agreement, making it hard to blow on my bite of cinnamon roll I hold before my lips. After recovering, the chunk of warm pastry melts in my mouth. “Wow, you weren’t kidding, this is good. How is it always that the trashy vending food tastes the best?”

“I dunno, I reckon they put somethin’ innit t’ make it so addictin’. Tha’s how they make so much bloomin’ money,” Harry comments, cutting another bite as he speaks. My eyes are drawn to his hands. Long fingers, speckled with dark brown hairs. And covered with a couple of rings. When my eyes flit to his ring finger, nothing’s there. My heart does a weird somersault in my chest. At the same time, it pushes away the questions forming in my head.

Surprisingly, a comfortable silence surrounds us as we eat. And our eyes are glued to the screen playing the end of the movie. Harry finishes his plate first, surely burning his mouth at some point. I finish soon after and we just sit there, lost in the movie. I can’t help peeking at him a few times, and that naked finger. Thick stubble lines his cheeks. It suits him. And I like it.

I see tiredness pulling at the corners of his eyes when they look back at me. “What?” he says, eyebrows furrowed. I shake my head with blushing embarrassment as the thought still sits there. His lips curl into a smile that grows teasing.

“N-nothing.”

“I don’ believe you,” Harry continues, refusing to let it go. “Ya’ve neva been a good liar, Becks. C’mon, tell me.”

“Fine,” I relent, watching his face brighten at my words. “It’s just odd. I uh, noticed you were wearing a ring on your ring finger when you spoke to my class back in October. But, now you’re not.” the observation tumbles from my mouth, glad to greet the air. Finally, yet awkwardly.

My heart sprints in my chest, afraid to hear what he has to say. Apprehensive to hear the answer that I’ve been searching for. I try to prepare myself for it, but at the same time, something inside of me tries to keep me rational.

“Oh, ya noticed that?” he smiles, earning a nod from me. “Good, that was tha point. Well, not you, jus’ anybody. Tha bloody uni girls always flirt with me when I do those talks. So I wear dis random ring on that finga, hopin’ they’ll back off. It helps, but doesn’t solve tha problem,” Harry explains. His words wash over me like cold shower on a hot day.

I silently release a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. Then I hear that familiar chuckle of his.

“What, did ya really think I was married, Becks?”

I finally look over at him. His eyes crinkle with a knowing grin. I shove his arm and he only giggles harder. “I don’t know,” I confess quietly, looking away with embarrassment.

I don’t know how I’m going to live this one down.

But soon a laugh is coaxed from my lips to join his. It’s filled with nothing but relief, and happiness. That though had balled up into a knot in the back of my head. Always bothering me at the worst moments. It worried me, even though I knew I didn’t have that privilege anymore.

Any more thoughts that were coursing through my skull about it, are finished by his words. “No, ‘m not bloody married, or engaged. Although I thought I’d be at 28, ‘m not even close,” Harry divulges, a sad laugh framing his words.

My laugh quiets along with his as we enter uncharted waters. I look at him and give him a sympathetic smile. My eyes leave him, but I feel his on me. I wait, wondering if he’s going to say something. After several seconds, I decide to speak.

“Yeah, well-,” I begin, but I stop when his words tread over mine.

“How ‘bout you-,” Harry tries to say, but stops when we both start talking at the same time. Another laugh floats between us, and ends in an uncertain silence.

“Looks like yer better off than me, an’ met a nice bloke at tha uni.” Twirling a silver ring around my pointer finger, his words root me from my spot. My eyes widen at them and then I squint. I try to think of what he means, but it’s hard.

Unexpectedly, I realize what he’s talking about. And I smile because of the alarm shouting in my head.

Wait, what does this mean?!

You know what this means, Becky! Maybe he has fe-

“You mean Simon?” I ask, cutting them off before I go too far.

I really don’t want to go to that place again. We ran into each other at the hospital during a shit day. That’s all.

“Oh ‘s that his name? I dunno, jus’ looked like ya were with someone. Had his arm ‘round ya,” Harry says in a drawl. Now, his eyes are back on the telly. On Jack Nicholson.

And there, the thoughts come again. They click together like puzzle pieces. But I don’t let them lead me away from this moment. From reality.

But, Becky, he lik-!

“No no, Simon . . Simon’s just my friend. We kind of knew each other in high school back in Madley. We were both surprised to see each other in Crim. and we picked up where we left off,” I tell him, peeking a look over at him. But I have a good feeling he’s pulling a Becky and avoiding eye contact. “Plus, Simon has a boyfriend named Dylan.”

“Ohhhhh, my bad,” Harry replies, glancing over at me. When we meet eyes, his crimson face dissolves into giggles.

They’re contagious and bring one forth from my lips. All of a sudden, I can’t stop laughing. And neither can he, it seems. It feels so nice. The laughs keep coming, rolling over each other. Smoothing over the fissure that ring had eroded inside of me. They make me feel less stupid about the whole thing. Instead, they help me to acknowledge the fact that it was just a misunderstanding. And that evidently, they happen to all of us. I try not to read into it any more than that as our laughs die down. I won’t let myself. A comfortable silence fills the space our laughs previously did.

A scene from the movie catches our attention, and the misunderstandings are seemingly forgotten. I really get into the movie for the next 10 minutes, and I think so does he. I can barely tear my eyes away. But they leave the telly when he pulls his phone from his pocket. I watch his face turn from calm to upset when he reads something. On the other side of the couch, he types something back quickly. But I see the tears soon pricking at the corners of his eyes as he holds his forehead.

I don’t know what to say as I look away, trying to give him privacy. But then I hear him sniffle and try to clear his throat. I know how that goes, and that it doesn’t work. It doesn’t make the lump in your throat go away. He sighs and when I chance another look, he’s looking away from me. But I hear the crying. Suddenly, I feel my heart break, even more than it already has today.

Before I know what I’m doing, I’m scooching over to sit next to him. Seeing his left hand sitting on his knee, I pick it up and lace my fingers with his. I give it a squeeze and return my eyes to the telly. And wait. A familiar scene unfolds in front of me on the screen. I don’t even grimace at the blood like I did when I was a child. I take comfort in the nostalgia tied to this movie for me. But it doesn’t drown out the sounds of Harry crying. And the pain I feel at not being able to help him.

After a few more minutes of watching the movie, no words pass between us. But then I think to check on him again. As I do, he looks over at me with red eyes. Wet from spent tears that keep coming. A shy smile inches up his lips, but it’s an embarrassed one. And so it doesn’t last long.

“You’re gonna make me cry,” is all I say, because the tears are already bleeding into my words. We pull the other into our arms where we go to cry on their shoulder.

The missing him.

The regret.

The hundreds of emotions because of that stupid ring.

The longing for him.

The whirlwind of emotions from when he spoke to my class.

The sad happiness at seeing him behind me at the vending machine.

The relief.

The worry about my dad.

The fear from the surgeon’s words.

All of the stress.

The pain I’ve bottled up from being away from him.

Fistfuls of my hoodie are balled up in his hands. His prickly face is hidden in my neck where he spends his tears. I long to lose my fingers in his familiar hair to comfort him. But I know that I’m already doing that as we share each other’s pain. His clean scent fills my nose as I breathe shakily against his shoulder.

“‘s my granddad, Becks,” he chokes out, coughing. “H-he hadda heart attack this afternoon. Dunno if he’ll make it. He’s onna ventilator with machines keeping him alive. I neva wanted t’ see him like that. An’ tha thing ‘s, he has in his last wishes t’ not live like that . . . A-and now my family’s askin’ me if I wanna be there when he passes,” his words stop, making my heart grow heavy with each one.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. That should never be a decision you have to make,” I tell him in raggedy breaths. “It’s so awful watching somebody die. Not even just in the moment, but after. When my granddad passed, right when I started working for you, I was there when it happened. And it still haunts me to this day. My mum forced me to be there, and I think I wished I hadn’t. It was terrible watching him gasp for air, and not knowing when would be his last breath. But at the same time, I’m glad he wasn’t alone. I don’t know, it’s a hard decision to make. But you need to make that decision for you and what you want, Harry. Not what your family wants.”

He nods into my neck, humming an ‘mmmmhmm.’ “Do you need to decide now?” I ask, words still coated in tears.

“No, I don’ think so. But he had surgery a few hours ago an’ tha doctors are sayin’ it doesn’ look like he’ll wake up,” Harry confesses, words dissolving into more tears.

I hold him tighter against me and cry with him. My tears come from the fear of losing my dad. Remembering being in the same seat as Harry when my granddad passed. And I cry for Harry and the nightmare he’s going through.

“I’m so sorry, Harry,” is all I can say.

I listen to his heavy sobs that make his body shake. Pressing my lips together hard, I shed tears into his hoodie. I feel like I can hardly catch my breath. It only becomes worse when I hear the next words that leave his lips.

“Is yer dad okay, Becks?” he asks, trying to breathe in. But I can tell it’s hard by the shakiness of his words.

“I don’t know,” I sob, my words almost incoherent. He nods into my neck, rubbing a hand up and down my back. “He had surgery to remove the tumor. B-But it took longer than they said it would. And then the surgeon said they don’t know if they got it all. Which means he for sure has to have more chemo. And I’m just so scared. I don’t want my dad to have cancer anymore.”

“‘m really sorry, Becks,” Harry coughs in between tears, his hand rubbing in circles. Uneven breaths leave his lips as choked sobs leave mine. The tears follow one after the other. Ugly sounds follow.

I can’t find the strength to speak again, and so I nod. My arms shake clutching at his sweatshirt. My white-knuckled hands relax and I fall into him. All of my inhibitions and self-made promises are out the window. I told myself I wouldn’t let him in again, and here I am. And I’m glad I broke that promise. Long, broken sobs are muffled into his shoulder. His hands move in circles on my back as my mind finally entertains all of the possibilities.

My dad’s cancer not being cured.

My dad needing even more chemotherapy.

Maybe even radiation.

None of that working.

Everything being the same between Harry and I after this.

And how much that hurts me. All of it.

Talking to my dad about his last wishes.

Watching him take his last breath.

I let Harry hold me as I let myself feel every single raw feeling. Sobs rack my body and make it shake as a steady stream of tears paints my cheeks. I hear his too, and they only make me cry harder.

Wiping my nose with a kleenex, I watch him surf through the channels. Finally, he settles on an old episode of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? The daunting figure of the Wax Phantom materializes in the museum. I lift my head and readjust where it rests on Harry’s shoulder. Before my eyes, the monster trudges around the wax museum. My eyelids grow heavy, but I blink hard trying to wake up. This happens again and again, with my eyelids slowly growing heavier.

But it’s no use. After too many times, I can’t resist succumbing to sleep with my head on Harry’s shoulder and his arm rubbing mine.

I wake up on the surface of the scratchy sofa. The telly is playing an advert softly in the background. Rubbing my eyes crusted with sleep, I groan. With a tired sigh, I try to fall back asleep. I almost begin to, but a thought steals the sleep away. Pulling myself up to sit, I look around with fuzzy eyes.

I’m all alone.

Two blue hospital blankets have fallen to lay at my feet.

And two white pillows sit ignored in front of me.

Checking my phone, I see the time is 3:24 am. And that I have missed calls and texts from several people.

Robbie.

My aunt.

My grandma.

My mother.

And 2 texts from Harry.

Ignoring all of the others, I quickly open Harry’s from 16 minutes ago.

i’m sorry. had 2 go. didn’t wanna wake u. thank u for being there 2night, so much

And there’s another one that came a few minutes later.

im so proud of u becks. u know why

My heart skips when I read his words, and the heart emoji that finishes them like a period. I’m guessing he means the stuff going on with my dad, but more so for going back to law school. It makes my heart swell with happiness. But it beats fast at the sight of them as well, suddenly worrying what happened that he had to leave. And in that same moment, I feel heavy with worry about him. My thumbs dart across the screen, composing a hurried and sleepy reply.

It’s okay I understand. I hope everything is okay. Remember to do what’s best for you. Please let me know if I can help. You’re so welcome Harry and I can’t thank you enough too. And thank you so much. I really want to make you proud. Thinking of you

I don’t bother to read over my words finished with a heart emoji tool. I send the text, and try to go back to sleep. Because I can’t think about everything that happened tonight.

My dad.

Seeing Harry, and sharing what we did.

And him . . leaving.

The sickening worry it fills me to wonder the reason why.

Because now it’s like it never happened.

Luckily, the second my head hits the pillow, I’m asleep again.

I can’t stop looking. I hardly believe what I see, but I know I have to. A stranger stares back at me. Sullen eyes. Shaven cheeks for the first time in weeks. Styled hair. Dry eyes that stare back at me blankly. And a mouth that feels like it hasn’t smiled in months. But I know it hasn’t been that long. But this nightmare feels like it.

“Shit,” I mutter, bending down to pick up the violet tie that fell to the floor. Black wildflowers scatter the fabric. It seemed perfect for the occasion when I picked it out yesterday. But now I’m not sure anymore.

I wrap it around my neck again, for the second or third time. Going through the motions to tie it, I get a little farther than last time. Then my fingers stop, like they keep doing. Huffing, I step back and lean against the wall. I feel the chapped surface of my bottom lip come between my teeth. Oh yeah, I gotta remember to bring chapstick too, I add to my seemingly never ending list.

My thoughts are interrupted by the clanging sound of my postbox outside. Within a few seconds, I’ve opened my door and see my postman walking onto the next house. A stack of letters is what I find waiting for me.

“Great, mo’ sympathy cards an’ bills,” I groan, dropping the mail on the table beside the door. With plans to finally get this damn tie tied, I look back to the mirror above the table. But something catches my eye.

The letters have splayed themselves out sloppily on the brown table. Most of them are white, but one of them isn’t. One is a soft blue. Once again, the words inside of my head are stolen away by a sound. Fishing out my phone from the pocket of my slacks, I answer it.

“Ya, I know. ‘m gonna leave soon, ‘s not like ‘m late or anythin’,” I respond, sifting through the letters. Bill after bill meets my eyes. “I was there all bloody night last night fer tha wake, so why do I need t’ be early t’day?” Tossing the bills to the side, I keep sifting through them.

“I know, alright? But I . . I jus’ can’t alright? I can’t do all tha huggin’ e’rybody right now, ‘m sick of it. There’s plenty mo’ family ‘round who can do it,” I tell them through gritted teeth. The powder blue card is next in my hands. My voice catches when my brain conjures the owner of that bubbly handwriting. “I’ll be there at 2:30 an’ no earlier,” I rush, hanging up on them. Stuffing my phone away again, I instead pick up the envelope.

Within seconds, I pull the card out from the sea of blue. Wildflowers decorate the front along with words card companies think are comforting. All of the other ones have hardly been that, but these ones are closer than before. Just seeing her handwriting peeking at me from the inside is more comforting than all of the others combined. I feel the tears pressing at the back of my eyes, ready to fall at command.

With a deep breath, I’m greeted by her bubbly letters in purple ink. I can’t say I’m surprised, it’s her favorite color.

Harry, It took me twenty minutes to pick out a card, because none of them seemed good enough. None of them said the right words that I wanted to say, so I finally just picked this one. Even if I looked for 3 hours, I don’t know if I would’ve found the “right” one... I hope it’s okay. I saw your granddad’s obituary in the paper today. I don’t even think the words ‘I’m sorry’ are close to what I feel for you and want to say, Harry. They weren’t the right words when my granddad passed. They were what everybody said, and after a while, I hated hearing them. They became redundant and meaningless. But I am sorry, Harry. I’m sorry that you lost your grandfather, and the unimaginable pain you’re going through missing him and trying to live a life that he’s no longer a part of. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. Some days it seems it gets easier. But other days are hard, I’ve learned. They’re the anniversaries, birthdays, days they enjoyed, family get togethers, or really any day that ugly grief decides to return. We all handle grief differently and so it’s hard to give advice. But take care of yourself. Please, Harry. If that means staying at home watching Netflix, or distracting yourself with work, that’s okay. It’s your pain, it belongs to you. It’s okay to handle the pain however you decide to, but please take care. You don’t have to visit his grave. You don’t have to talk about him again if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to cry if that’s not you. Or you can cry all of the time, or you can talk about him all of the time, too. But you do have to feel the pain, as terrible as it is. I never really found anything that helped, but I like to remember my granddad sometimes by doing things he loved. I go fishing on opening day with Robbie, I stuck one of those suctioned bird feeder on one of our windows, I make or buy a vanilla cupcake on his birthday and sing happy birthday to him, sometimes I visit his grave and bring things he likes but I know I don’t have to go there to talk to him. I know that I don’t have to do those things to make it feel like he’s with me, because he always is. I’m sorry that this card is all about me, but I hope that my words help. Even just a little bit. Please know that I’m thinking of you, and your family. I know what you’re going through, and how hard it is. I’m not going to say ‘things will be okay,’ because I know that’s the opposite of how things feel right now and for the near future. I know how much it hurts. I know that by the time you get this card, the funeral is any day now. That was one of the hardest parts for me, and it made it all the more surreal. I’m sending you so much strength and love, Harry. If there's anything I can do to help, please know I’m here for you. Love, Becks xoxoxo

The first laugh I’ve spent in days greets the air. But it’s ironic and surprising, I’m not sure. Only a few seconds later, tears accompany it. Soon, my phone is back in my hand where I banished it from minutes ago. And my ass is sitting on the bottom of my staircase. And I’m dialing the number I’ve been itching to for the last week.

They answer on the third thing.

My aching heart is soothed with the sound of their voice. Like the drought welcoming the rain.

“Hi,” I say slowly, my words sodden with tears.

“Hi, Harry,” she replies, sounding surprised. But her voice brings me comfort, the most I’ve felt in the last 8 days. It’s loud where she is, but in a couple of seconds, it isn’t anymore.

“I got yer card, I uh jus’ read it. It was so sweet, Becks. I don’ think ‘thank you’ could begin t’ cover it,” I tell her slowly, uncertain what to say. I watch my feet grow blurry in front of me, and then refocus when another warm tear hits my cheek.

“I’m glad you got it. You don’t have to thank me. W-what are you doing?” she asks, taking time with her words.

“Tryin’ t’ get meself t’ put onna bloody tie. Ya know, me granddad tried t’ teach me once. But he gave up an’ admitted me gran’ always did it fer him,” I confess, the words falling out fast.

An amused hum comes from her. “That’s funny. My granddad always bragged about being able to tie ties blindfolded, or something. He tried to teach Robbie, but it never stuck. It just ended in tears and yelling,” she comments.

A smile warms on my lips, and I nod. To who, I don’t know, since she certainly can’t see me doing it. Regrettably.

“It’s today, isn’t it?” she guesses softly, earning a confirming ‘mmmhm’ from me.

“I’m wearin’ all black. Seems like too much of tha color, but I couldn’ bear t’ look at anythin’ else in me wardrobe.”

“As long as you’re comfortable, Harry, and black isn’t such a bad color. It fits the emotion, I guess you could say,” Becky says. I sniffle and wish her voice didn’t stop playing in my ear.

“Yer right . . . ,” I agree aloud, not knowing what to say next. I hate this part. “I didn’ stay that night I saw you. I . . . thought I could do it, but I couldn’. I drove ‘round an’ cried, feelin’ all sorts o’ terrible. Terrible fer not bein’ there with him. Terrible as I waited fer tha text that he was gone. Even more so when I got tha text . . . An’ terrible ‘cause it didn’ really feel much different aftawards.”

“That’s okay. Grief doesn’t really follow any rules, Harry. And it certainly doesn’t make any sense. It never feels right. I’m so sory,” Becky tells me, somehow making sense of something I can’t even begin to make sense of.

“Ya ‘ave all tha right words t’ say,” I smile with a laugh that’s out of place, yet sad. My lips quiver as the tears run over them.

“I doubt it, but I hope that means they’re helping in some capacity.”

“Ya always help, Becks,” I divulge quietly, unsure if she heard me or not.

“Can you tell me what he was like?” Becky inquires.

“Ya. He was um, wicked tall. Told tha best stories, but like ya neva knew how much truth there was t’ ‘em. He made tha best grilled cheese, an’ somehow always with bread he made himself. He had this laugh that I loved. It surrounded a room when ya heard it. He always smelled o’ peppermint gum. He was always whistlin’, or singin’ Sinatra songs t’ himself. He made tha best popcorn on tha stovetop, an’ e’ry time I was ova. He taught me so much an’ turned me onto so many things that I love. He’s so much of who I am, an’ I dunno how t’ let him go now.” The memories turn into words, coming easier the further I go. A warmth accompanies them as they pass through. But they’re hard to get out, as the bittersweetness drowns them in my mouth.

“You don’t have to let him go, Harry,” she disagrees.

“B-but he’s dead,” I cry, feeling my body relinquish control to the sobs.

“But that doesn’t mean that you have to forget him like that. He’s still your granddad. You can still enjoy those memories of him. You can be happy he’s not in pain anymore without feeling guilty. You can still hold him in your heart. You can be mad at the world. You can be broken. There’s no right or wrong answer, Harry. It doesn’t feel that way, I know, but however you feel in the moment is okay. It’s okay to feel that way.” her words feel like a warm blanket coming over me after a bad day. They wrap me up in their syllables and hold me together, while I can’t.

I can hardly get out the words ‘thank you’ without my intermittent sobs covering them up.

“Of course,” is all she says. In her voice sweet as clover honey.

Radio silence follows her requital with my occasional whimpers punctuating my tears. This continues for a few minutes, but it’s not awkward. I feel comfort just from knowing that she’s there. But a thought edges its way in, ruining that contentment.

The ticking of the clock peaks my interest suddenly. More time has passed than I thought it had. “I uh should prolly get goin’ soon if I wanna make it on time, so me family doesn’t have a row,” I suddenly say.

“Yeah yeah, of course. Um, drive safe and, I hope everything goes well. You can text me if you want. I’m just, at work,” Becky replies fast, her words stalling at parts. I hear the nerves wired in her buttery voice.

“Thanks, love. I’ll rememba. But uh get back t’ work, kay?” I quip, feeling memories between us seep into my words.

“Yes, sir,” she replies, following along. I welcome it with the smallest of laughs.

“Good,” I exhale, unsure of how to end the call. And unsure if I even want to. Because this was nice, albeit the circumstances marked by hundreds of tears. It was nice to hear her voice, although I know I’ll miss it in a minute. That thought begins a new ache inside of my chest. “I’ll let ya go then. Have a good weekend, an’ take care, Becks.”

“You too, Harry. Thanks for calling,” she says, and I hear it in her voice. The shared uncertainty and nervousness. The awkwardness often there at the end of a phone call.

“And thanks fer pickin’ up, Becks.”

“Bye, Harry,” she almost whispers.

It takes every ounce of strength I have residing in me to echo her words, “G’bye, Becks.”

With every second that passes absent of her voice, the thought grows louder. It’s no longer ignorable. But I don’t let it take hold of me as I’m watching myself in the mirror. Wrapping the tie around my neck, and going through the motions. Tightening it around my neck as the tears begin to dry on my face. Then as I compose a text with forgotten words.

i hope ur dad is doing better. thx for being there becks xxx

The timer on my phone begins to buzz as I shut off the entryway light. Sitting on the steps once more with my shoes in hand, I acknowledge it. The thought that’s been tinkering away in my brain. Gaining speed.

It wasn’t enough talking to her on the phone. I wanted her here with me, again. I wanted to hide in her arms. Her scent of oranges and cloves blanketing me. Her words falling over me like snow, but without a phone separating us. I want her here with me.

I feel my heart lurch deep down as I grab hold of the door handle. The unspoken words settle with me as I attempt to find the strength to leave. Somewhere I find it, buried in the words she spoke into me mere moments ago.

Because that’s all I have, even if I don’t really have her.

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hlupdate · 5 years ago

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Harry Styles isn’t exactly dressed down for lunch. He’s got a white floppy hat that Diana Ross might have won from Elton in a poker game at Cher’s mansion circa 1974, plus Gucci shades, a cashmere sweater, and blue denim bell-bottoms. His nail polish is pink and mint green. He’s also carrying his purse — no other word for it — a yellow patent-canvas bag with the logo “Chateau Marmont.” The tough old ladies who work at this Beverly Hills deli know him well. Gloria and Raisa dote on him, calling him “my love” and bringing him his usual tuna salad and iced coffee. He turns heads, to put it mildly, but nobody comes near because the waitresses hover around the booth protectively.

He was just a small-town English lad of 16 when he became his generation’s pop idol with One Direction. When the group went on hiatus, he struck out on his own with his brash 2017 solo debut, whose lead single was the magnificently over-the-top six-minute piano ballad “Sign of the Times.” Even people who missed out on One Direction were shocked to learn the truth: This pinup boy was a rock star at heart.

A quick highlight reel of Harry’s 2019 so far: He hosted the Met Gala with Lady Gaga, Serena Williams, Alessandro Michele, and Anna Wintour serving an eyebrow-raising black lace red-carpet look. He is the official face of a designer genderless fragrance, Gucci’s Mémoire d’une Odeur. When James Corden had an all-star dodgeball match on The Late Late Show, Harry got spiked by a hard serve from Michelle Obama, making him perhaps the first Englishman ever hit in the nads on TV by a First Lady.

Closer to his heart, he brought down the house at this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony with his tribute to his friend and idol Stevie Nicks. “She’s always there for you,” Harry said in his speech. “She knows what you need: advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl.” He added, “She’s responsible for more running mascara — including my own — than all the bad dates in history.” (Backstage, Nicks accidentally referred to Harry’s former band as “’NSync.” Hey, a goddess can get away with that sort of thing.)

Harry has been the world’s It boy for nearly a decade now. The weirdest thing about him? He loves being this guy. In a style of fast-lane celebrity that takes a ruthless toll on the artist’s personality, creativity, sanity, Harry is almost freakishly at ease. He has managed to grow up in public with all his boyish enthusiasm intact, not to mention his manners. He’s dated a string of high-profile women — but he never gets caught uttering any of their names in public, much less shading any of them. Instead of going the usual superstar-pop route — en vogue producers, celebrity duets, glitzy club beats — he’s gone his own way, and gotten more popular than ever. He’s putting the finishing touches on his new album, full of the toughest, most soulful songs he’s written yet. As he explains, “It’s all about having sex and feeling sad.”

The Harry Charm is a force of nature, and it can be almost frightening to witness in action. The most startling example might be a backstage photo from February taken with one of his heroes, Van Morrison. You have never seen a Van picture like this one. He’s been posing for photos for 50 years, and he’s been refusing to crack a smile in nearly all of them. Until he met Harry — for some reason, Van beams like a giddy schoolgirl. What did Harry do to him? “I was tickling him behind his back,” Harry confides. “Somebody sent me that photo — I think his tour manager took it. When I saw it, I felt like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction opening the case with the gold light shining. I was like, ‘Fuck, maybe I shouldn’t show this to anyone.’”

In interviews, Harry has always tended to coast on that charm, simply because he can. In his teens, he was in public every minute and became adept at guarding every scrap of his privacy. But these days, he’s finding out he has things he wants to say. He’s more confident about thinking out loud and seeing what happens. “Looser” is how he puts it. “More open. I’m discovering how much better it makes me feel to be open with friends. Feeling that vulnerability, rather than holding everything in.”

Like a lot of people his age, he’s asking questions about culture, gender, identity, new ideas about masculinity and sexuality. “I feel pretty lucky to have a group of friends who are guys who would talk about their emotions and be really open,” he says. “My friend’s dad said to me, ‘You guys are so much better at it than we are. I never had friends I could really talk to. It’s good that you guys have each other because you talk about real shit. We just didn’t.’”

It’s changed how he approaches his songs. “For me, it doesn’t mean I’ll sit down and be like, ‘This is what I have for dinner, and this is where I eat every day, and this is what I do before I go to bed,’” he says. “But I will tell you that I can be really pathetic when I’m jealous. Feeling happier than I’ve ever been, sadder than I’ve ever been, feeling sorry for myself, being mad at myself, being petty and pitiful — it feels really different to share that.”

At times, Harry sounds like an ordinary 25-year-old figuring his shit out, which, of course, he is. (Harry and I got to know each other last year, when he got in touch after reading one of my books, though I’d already been writing about his music for years.) It’s strange to hear him talk about shedding his anxieties and doubts, since he’s always come across as one of the planet’s most confident people. “While I was in the band,” he says, “I was constantly scared I might sing a wrong note. I felt so much weight in terms of not getting things wrong. I remember when I signed my record deal and I asked my manager, ‘What happens if I get arrested? Does it mean the contract is null and void?’ Now, I feel like the fans have given me an environment to be myself and grow up and create this safe space to learn and make mistakes.”

We slip out the back and spend a Saturday afternoon cruising L.A. in his 1972 silver Jaguar E-type. The radio doesn’t work, so we just sing “Old Town Road.” He marvels, “‘Bull riding and boobies’ — that is potentially the greatest lyric in any song ever.” Harry used to be pop’s mystery boy, so diplomatic and tight-lipped. But as he opens up over time, telling his story, he reaches the point where he’s pitching possible headlines for this profile. His best: “Soup, Sex, and Sun Salutations.”

How did he get to this new place? As it turns out, the journey involves some heartbreak. Some guidance from David Bowie. Some Transcendental Meditation. And more than a handful of magic mushrooms. But mostly, it comes down to a curious kid who can’t decide whether to be the world’s most ardently adored pop star, or a freaky artiste. So he decides to be both.

Two things about English rock stars never change: They love Southern California, and they love cars. A few days after Harry proclaimed the genius of “Old Town Road,” we’re in a different ride — a Tesla — cruising the Pacific Coast Highway while Harry sings along to the radio. “Californiaaaaaa!” he yells from behind the wheel as we whip past Zuma Beach. “It sucks!” There’s a surprising number of couples along the beach who seem to be arguing. We speculate on which ones are breaking up and which are merely having the talk. “Ah, yes, the talk,” Harry says dreamily. “Ye olde chat.”

Harry is feeling the smooth Seventies yacht-rock grooves today, blasting Gerry Rafferty, Pablo Cruise, Hall and Oates. When I mention that Nina Simone once did a version of “Rich Girl,” he needs to hear it right away. He counters by blowing my mind with Donny Hathaway’s version of John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy.”

Harry raves about a quintessential SoCal trip he just tried: a “cold sauna,” a process that involves getting locked in an ice chamber. His eyelashes froze. We stop for a smoothie (“It’s basically ice cream”) and his favorite pepper-intensive wheatgrass shot. It goes down like a dose of battery acid. “That’ll add years to your life,” he assures me.

We’re on our way to Shangri-La studios in Malibu, founded by the Band back in the 1970s, now owned by Rick Rubin. It’s where Harry made some of the upcoming album, and as we walk in, he grins at the memory. “Ah, yes,” he says. “Did a lot of mushrooms in here.”

Psychedelics have started to play a key role in his creative process. “We’d do mushrooms, lie down on the grass, and listen to Paul McCartney’s Ram in the sunshine,” he says. “We’d just turn the speakers into the yard.” The chocolate edibles were kept in the studio fridge, right next to the blender. “You’d hear the blender going, and think, ‘So we’re all having frozen margaritas at 10 a.m. this morning.’” He points to a corner: “This is where I was standing when we were doing mushrooms and I bit off the tip of my tongue. So I was trying to sing with all this blood gushing out of my mouth. So many fond memories, this place.”

It’s not mere rock-star debauchery — it’s emblematic of his new state of mind. You get the feeling this is why he enjoys studios so much. After so many years making One Direction albums while touring, always on the run, he finally gets to take his time and embrace the insanity of it all. “We were here for six weeks in Malibu, without going into the city,” he says. “People would bring their dogs and kids. We’d take a break to play cornhole tournaments. Family values!” But it’s also the place where he has proudly bled for his art. “Mushrooms and Blood. Now there’s an album title.”

Some of the engineers come over to catch up on gossip. Harry gestures out the window to the Pacific waves, where the occasional nude revelry might have happened, and where the occasional pair of pants got lost. “There was one night where we’d been partying a bit and ended up going down to the beach and I lost all my stuff, basically,” he says. “I lost all my clothes. I lost my wallet. Maybe a month later, somebody found my wallet and mailed it back, anonymously. I guess it just popped out of the sand. But what’s sad is, I lost my favorite mustard corduroy flares.” A moment of silence is held for the corduroy flares.

Recording in the studio today is Brockhampton, the self-proclaimed “world’s greatest boy band.” Harry says hi to all the Brockhampton guys, which takes a while since there seem to be a few dozen of them. “We’re together all the time,” one tells Harry out in the yard. “We see each other all day, every day.” He pauses. “You know how it is.”

Harry breaks into a dry grin. “Yes, I know how it is.”

One Direction made three of this century’s biggest and best pop albums in a rush — Midnight Memories, Four and Made in the A.M. Yet they cut those records on tour, ducking into the nearest studio when they had a day off. 1D were a unique mix of five different musical personalities: Harry, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, and Liam Payne. But the pace took its toll. Malik quit in the middle of a tour, immediately after a show in Hong Kong. The band announced its hiatus in August 2015.

It’s traditional for boy-band singers, as they go solo and grow up, to renounce their pop past. Everybody remembers George Michael setting his leather jacket on fire, or Sting quitting the Police to make jazz records. This isn’t really Harry Styles’ mentality. “I know it’s the thing that always happens. When somebody gets out of a band, they go, ‘That wasn’t me. I was held back.’ But it was me. And I don’t feel like I was held back at all. It was so much fun. If I didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t have done it. It’s not like I was tied to a radiator.”

Whenever Harry mentions One Direction — never by name, always “the band” or “the band I was in” — he uses the past tense. It is my unpleasant duty to ask: Does he see 1D as over? “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t think I’d ever say I’d never do it again, because I don’t feel that way. If there’s a time when we all really want to do it, that’s the only time for us to do it, because I don’t think it should be about anything else other than the fact that we’re all like, ‘Hey, this was really fun. We should do this again.’ But until that time, I feel like I’m really enjoying making music and experimenting. I enjoy making music this way too much to see myself doing a full switch, to go back and do that again. Because I also think if we went back to doing things the same way, it wouldn’t be the same, anyway.”

When the band stopped, did he take those friendships with him? “Yeah, I think so,” he says. “Definitely. Because above all else, we’re the people who went through that. We’re always going to have that, even if we’re not the closest. And the fact is, just because you’re in a band with someone doesn’t mean you have to be best friends. That’s not always how it works. Just because Fleetwood Mac fight, that doesn’t mean they’re not amazing. I think even in the disagreements, there’s always a mutual respect for each other — we did this really cool thing together, and we’ll always have that. It’s too important to me to ever be like, ‘Oh, that’s done.’ But if it happens, it will happen for the right reasons.”

If the intensity of the Harry fandom ever seems mysterious to you, there’s a live clip you might want to investigate, from the summer of 2018. Just search the phrase “Tina, she’s gay.” In San Jose, on one of the final nights of his tour, Harry spots a fan with a homemade sign: “I’m Gonna Come Out to My Parents Because of You!” He asks the fan her name (she says it’s Grace) and her mother’s name (Tina). He asks the audience for silence because he has an important announcement to make: “Tina! She’s gaaaaay!” Then he has the entire crowd say it together. Thousands of strangers start yelling “Tina, she’s gay,” and every one of them clearly means it — it’s a heavy moment, definitely not a sound you forget after you hear it. Then Harry sings “What Makes You Beautiful.” (Of course, the way things work now, the clip went viral within minutes. So did Grace’s photo of Tina giving a loving thumbs-up to her now-out teenage daughter. Grace and Tina attended Harry’s next show together.)

Harry likes to cultivate an aura of sexual ambiguity, as overt as the pink polish on his nails. He’s dated women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality. On his first solo tour, he frequently waved the pride, bi, and trans flags, along with the Black Lives Matter flag. In Philly, he waved a rainbow flag he borrowed from a fan up front: “Make America Gay Again.” One of the live fan favorites: “Medicine,” a guitar jam that sounds a bit like the Grateful Dead circa Europe ’72, but with a flamboyantly pansexual hook: “The boys and girls are in/I mess around with them/And I’m OK with it.”

He’s always had a flair for flourishes like this, since the 1D days. An iconic clip from November 2014: Harry and Liam are on a U.K. chat show. The host asks the oldest boy-band fan-bait question in the book: What do they look for in a date? “Female,” Liam quips. “That’s a good trait.” Harry shrugs. “Not that important.” Liam is taken aback. The host is in shock. On tour in the U.S. that year, he wore a Michael Sam football jersey, in support of the first openly gay player drafted by an NFL team. He’s blown up previously unknown queer artists like King Princess and Muna.

What do those flags onstage mean to him? “I want to make people feel comfortable being whatever they want to be,” he says. “Maybe at a show you can have a moment of knowing that you’re not alone. I’m aware that as a white male, I don’t go through the same things as a lot of the people that come to the shows. I can’t claim that I know what it’s like, because I don’t. So I’m not trying to say, ‘I understand what it’s like.’ I’m just trying to make people feel included and seen.”

On tour, he had an End Gun Violence sticker on his guitar; he added a Black Lives Matter sticker, as well as the flag. “It’s not about me trying to champion the cause, because I’m not the person to do that,” he says. “It’s just about not ignoring it, I guess. I was a little nervous to do that because the last thing I wanted was for it to feel like I was saying, ‘Look at me! I’m the good guy!’ I didn’t want anyone who was really involved in the movement to think, ‘What the fuck do you know?’ But then when I did it, I realized people got it. Everyone in that room is on the same page and everyone knows what I stand for. I’m not saying I understand how it feels. I’m just trying to say, ‘I see you.’”

At one of his earliest solo shows, in Stockholm, he announced, “If you are black, if you are white, if you are gay, if you are straight, if you are transgender — whoever you are, whoever you want to be, I support you. I love every single one of you.” “It’s a room full of accepting people.… If you’re someone who feels like an outsider, you’re not always in a big crowd like that,” he says. “It’s not about, ‘Oh, I get what it’s like,’ because I don’t. For example, I go walking at night before bed most of the time. I was talking about that with a female friend and she said, ‘Do you feel safe doing that?’ And I do. But when I walk, I’m more aware that I feel OK to walk at night, and some of my friends wouldn’t. I’m not saying I know what it feels like to go through that. It’s just being aware.”

‘Man cannot live by coffee alone,” Harry says. “But he will give it a damn good try.” He sips his iced Americano — not his first today, or his last. He’s back behind the wheel, on a mission to yet another studio — but this time for actual work. Today it’s string overdubs. Harry is dressed in Gucci from head to toe, except for one item of clothing: a ratty Seventies rock T-shirt he proudly scavenged from a vintage shop. It says “Commander Quaalude.”

On the drive over, he puts on the jazz pianist Bill Evans — “Peace Piece,” from 1959, which is the wake-up tone on his phone. He just got into jazz during a long sojourn in Japan. He likes to find places to hide out and be anonymous: For his first album, he decamped to Jamaica. Over the past year, he spent months roaming Japan.

In February, he spent his 25th birthday sitting by himself in a Tokyo cafe, reading Haruki Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. “I love Murakami,” he says. “He’s one of my favorites. Reading didn’t really used to be my thing. I had such a short attention span. But I was dating someone who gave me some books; I felt like I had to read them because she’d think I was a dummy if I didn’t read them.”

A friend gave him Murakami’s Norwegian Wood. “It was the first book, maybe ever, where all I wanted to do all day was read this,” he says. “I had a very Murakami birthday because I ended up staying in Tokyo on my own. I had grilled fish and miso soup for breakfast, then I went to this cafe. I sat and drank tea and read for five hours.”

In the studio, he’s overseeing the string quartet. He has the engineers play T. Rex’s “Cosmic Dancer” for them, to illustrate the vibe he’s going for. You can see he enjoys being on this side of the glass, sitting at the Neve board, giving his instructions to the musicians. After a few run-throughs, he presses the intercom button to say, “Yeah, it’s pretty T. Rex. Best damn strings I ever heard.” He buzzes again to add, “And you’re all wonderful people.”

He’s curated his own weird enclave of kindred spirits to collaborate with, like producers Jeff Bhasker and Tyler Johnson. His guitarist Mitch Rowland was working at an L.A. pizza shop when Harry met him. They started writing songs for the debut; Rowland didn’t quit his job until two weeks into the sessions. One of his closest collaborators is also one of his best friends: Tom Hull, a.k.a. Kid Harpoon, a longtime cohort of Florence and the Machine. Hull is an effusive Brit with a heart-on-sleeve personality. Harry calls him “my emotional rock.” Hull calls him “Gary.”

Hull was the one who talked him into taking a course on Transcendental Meditation at David Lynch’s institute — beginning each day with 20 minutes of silence, which doesn’t always come naturally to either of them. “He’s got this wise-beyond-his-years timelessness about him,” Hull says. “That’s why he went on a whole emotional exploration with these songs.” He’s 12 years older, with a wife and kids in Scotland, and talks about Harry like an irreverent but doting big brother.

Last year, Harry was in the gossip columns dating the French model Camille Rowe; they split up last summer after a year together. “He went through this breakup that had a big impact on him,” Hull says. “I turned up on Day One in the studio, and I had these really nice slippers on. His ex-girlfriend that he was really cut up about, she gave them to me as a present — she bought slippers for my whole family. We’re still close friends with her. I thought, ‘I like these slippers. Can I wear them — is that weird?’

“So I turn up at Shangri-La the first day and literally within the first half-hour, he looks at me and says, ‘Where’d you get those slippers? They’re nice.’ I had to say, ‘Oh, um, your ex-girlfriend got them for me.’ He said, ‘Whaaaat? How could you wear those?’ He had a whole emotional journey about her, this whole relationship. But I kept saying, ‘The best way of dealing with it is to put it in these songs you’re writing.’”

True to his code of gallant discretion, Harry doesn’t say her name at any point. But he admits the songs are coming from personal heartbreak. “It’s not like I’ve ever sat and done an interview and said, ‘So I was in a relationship, and this is what happened,’” he says. “Because, for me, music is where I let that cross over. It’s the only place, strangely, where it feels right to let that cross over.”

The new songs are certainly charged with pain. “The stars didn’t align for them to be a forever thing,” Hull says. “But I told him that famous Iggy Pop quote where he says, ‘I only ever date women who are going to fuck me up, because that’s where the songs are.’ I said, ‘You’re 24, 25 years old, you’re in the eligible-bachelor category. Just date amazing women, or men, or whatever, who are going to fuck you up, and explore and have an adventure and let it affect you and write songs about it.’”

His band is full of indie rockers who’ve gotten swept up in Hurricane Harry. Before becoming his iconic drum goddess, Sarah Jones played in New Young Pony Club, a London band fondly remembered by a few dozen of us. Rowland and Jones barely knew anything about One Direction before they met Harry — the first time they heard “Story of My Life” was when he asked them to play it. Their conversation is full of references to Big Star or Guided by Voices or the Nils Lofgren guitar solo in Neil Young’s “Speakin’ Out.” This is a band full of shameless rock geeks, untainted by industry professionalism.

In the studio, while making the album, Harry kept watching a vintage Bowie clip on his phone — a late-Nineties TV interview I’d never seen. As he plays it for me, he recites along — he’s got the rap memorized. “Never play to the gallery,” Bowie advises. “Never work for other people in what you do.” For Harry, this was an inspiring pep talk — a reminder not to play it safe. As Bowie says, “If you feel safe in the area that you’re working in, you’re not working in the right area. Always go a little further into the water than you feel you are capable of being in. Go a little bit out of your depth. And when you don’t feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you’re just about in the right place to do something exciting.”

He got so obsessive about Joni Mitchell and her 1971 classic Blue, he went on a quest. “I was in a big Joni hole,” he says. “I kept hearing the dulcimer all over Blue. So I tracked down the lady who built Joni’s dulcimers in the Sixties.” He found her living in Culver City. “She said, ‘Come and see me,’” Hull says. “We turn up at her house and he said, ‘How do you even play a dulcimer?’ She gave us a lesson. Then she got a bongo and we were all jamming with these big Cheshire Cat grins.” She built the dulcimer Harry plays on the new album. “Joni Mitchell and Van Morrison, those are my two favorites,” he says. “Blue and Astral Weeks are just the ultimate in terms of songwriting. Melody-wise, they’re in their own lane.”

He’s always been the type to go overboard with his fanboy enthusiasms, ever since he was a kid and got his mind blown by Pulp Fiction. “I watched it when I was probably too young,” he admits. “But when I was 13, I saved up money from my paper route to buy a ‘Bad Motherfucker’ wallet. Just a stupid white kid in the English countryside with that wallet.” While in Japan, he got obsessively into Paul McCartney and Wings, especially London Town and Back to the Egg. “In Tokyo I used to go to a vinyl bar, but the bartender didn’t have Wings records. So I brought him Back to the Egg. ‘Arrow Through Me,’ that was the song I had to hear every day when I was in Japan.”

He credits meditation for helping to loosen him up. “I was such a skeptic going in,” he says. “But I think meditation has helped with worrying about the future less, and the past less. I feel like I take a lot more in—things that used to pass by me because I was always rushing around. It’s part of being more open and talking with friends. It’s not always the easiest to go in a room and say, ‘I made a mistake and it made me feel like this, and then I cried a bunch.’ But that moment where you really let yourself be in that zone of being vulnerable, you reach this feeling of openness. That’s when you feel like, ‘Oh, I’m fucking living, man.’”

After quite a few hours of recording the string quartet, a bottle of Casamigos tequila is opened. Commander Quaalude pours the drinks, then decides what the song needs now is a gaggle of nonsingers bellowing the chorus. “Muppet vocals” is how he describes it. He drags everyone in sight to crowd around the mics. Between takes, he wanders over to the piano to play Harry Nilsson’s “Gotta Get Up.” One of the choir members, creative director Molly Hawkins, is the friend who gave him the Murakami novel. “I think every man should read Norwegian Wood,” she says. “Harry’s the only man I’ve given it to who actually read it.”

It’s been a hard day’s night in the studio, but after hours, everyone heads to a dive bar on the other side of town to see Rowland play a gig. He’s sitting in with a local bar band, playing bass. Harry drives around looking for the place, taking in the sights of downtown L.A. (“Only a city as narcissistic as L.A. would have a street called Los Angeles Street,” he says.) He strolls in and leans against the bar in the back of the room. It’s an older crowd, and nobody here has any clue who he is. He’s entirely comfortable lurking incognito in a dim gin joint. After the gig, as the band toasts with PBRs, an old guy in a ball cap strolls over and gives Rowland a proud bear hug. It’s his boss from the pizza shop.

In the wee hours, Harry drives down a deserted Sunset Boulevard, his favorite time of night to explore the city streets, arguing over which is the best Steely Dan album. He insists that Can’t Buy a Thrill is better than Countdown to Ecstasy (wrongly), and seals his case by turning it up and belting “Midnight Cruiser” with truly appalling gusto. Tonight Hollywood is full of bright lights, glitzy clubs, red carpets, but the prettiest pop star in town is behind the wheel, singing along with every note of the sax solo from “Dirty Work.”

A few days later, on the other side of the world: Harry’s pad in London is lavish, yet very much a young single dude’s lair. Over here: a wall-size framed Sex Pistols album cover. Over there: a vinyl copy of Stevie Nicks’ The Other Side of the Mirror, casually resting on the floor. He’s having a cup of tea with his mum, Anne, the spitting image of her son, all grace and poise. “We’re off to the pub,” he tells her. “We’re going to talk some shop.” She smiles sweetly. “Talk some shit, probably,” says Anne.

We head off to his local, sloshing through the rain. He’s wearing a Spice World hoodie and savoring the soggy London-osity of the day. “Ah, Londres!” he says grandly. “I missed this place.” He wants to sit at a table outside, even though it’s pouring, and we chat away the afternoon over a pot of mint tea and a massive plate of fish and chips. When I ask for toast, the waitress brings out a loaf of bread roughly the size of a wheelbarrow. “Welcome to England,” Harry says.

He’s always had a fervent female fandom, and, admirably, he’s never felt a need to pretend he doesn’t love it that way. “They’re the most honest — especially if you’re talking about teenage girls, but older as well,” he says. “They have that bullshit detector. You want honest people as your audience. We’re so past that dumb outdated narrative of ‘Oh, these people are girls, so they don’t know what they’re talking about.’ They’re the ones who know what they’re talking about. They’re the people who listen obsessively. They fucking own this shit. They’re running it.”

He doesn’t have the uptightness some people have about sexual politics, or about identifying as a feminist. “I think ultimately feminism is thinking that men and women should be equal, right? People think that if you say ‘I’m a feminist,’ it means you think men should burn in hell and women should trample on their necks. No, you think women should be equal. That doesn’t feel like a crazy thing to me. I grew up with my mum and my sister — when you grow up around women, your female influence is just bigger. Of course men and women should be equal. I don’t want a lot of credit for being a feminist. It’s pretty simple. I think the ideals of feminism are pretty straightforward.”

His audience has a reputation for ferocity, and the reputation is totally justified. At last summer’s show at Madison Square Garden, the floor was wobbling during “Kiwi” — I’ve been seeing shows there since the 1980s, but I’d never seen that happen before. (The only other time? His second night.) His bandmates admit they feared for their lives, but Harry relished it. “To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” He sips his tea. “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a room, asking them to bear with him.”

That evening, Fleetwood Mac take the stage in London — a sold-out homecoming gig at Wembley Stadium, the last U.K. show of their tour. Needless to say, their most devoted fan is in the house. Harry has brought a date: his mother, her first Fleetwood Mac show. He’s also with his big sister Gemma, bandmates Rowland and Jones, a couple of friends.

He’s in hyperactive-host mode, buzzing around his cozy VIP box, making sure everyone’s champagne glass is topped off at all times. As soon as the show begins, Harry’s up on his feet, singing along (“Tell me, tell me liiiiies!”) and cracking jokes. You can tell he feels free — as if his radar is telling him there aren’t snoopers or paparazzi watching. (He’s correct. This is a rare public appearance where nobody spots him and no photos leak online.) It’s family night. His friend Mick Fleetwood wilds out on the drum solo. “Imagine being that cool,” Gemma says.

Midway through the show, Harry’s demeanor suddenly changes. He gets uncharacteristically solemn and quiet, sitting down by himself and focusing intently on the stage. It’s the first time all night he’s taken a seat. He’s in a different zone than he was in a few minutes ago. But he’s seen many Fleetwood Mac shows, and he knows where they are in the set. It’s time for “Landslide.” He sits with his chin in hand, his eyes zeroing in on Stevie Nicks. As usual, she introduces her most famous song with the story of how she wrote it when she was just a lass of 27.

But Stevie has something else she wants to share. She tells the stadium crowd, “I’d like to dedicate this to my little muse, Harry Styles, who brought his mother tonight. Her name is Anne. And I think you did a really good job raising Harry, Anne. Because he’s really a gentleman, sweet and talented, and, boy, that appeals to me. So all of you, this is for you.”

As Stevie starts to sing “Landslide” — “I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around youuuu” — Anne walks over to where Harry sits. She crouches down behind him, reaches her arms around him tightly. Neither of them says a word. They listen together and hold each other close to the very end of the song. Everybody in Wembley is singing along with Stevie, but these two are in a world of their own.

#harry styles #rs #260819 #drug mention

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kfs1001 · 6 years ago

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Oh, the burning question: marriage or no marriage. Inquiring minds want to know?

There are a number of people wondering about this from several points of view. Some are waiting to point the finger and snicker . . . I told you so. Others are going to say congratulations and wish D luck. Regardless of what side of the fence you stand on, it is D’ s life and D’s decision. He may very well marry for his career. There are many closeted men and women who have. The question still stands, legal wedding or faked nuptials complete with a new bread contract as binding as a legal wedding. The second option leaves it open for both parties to have a real marriage with someone they really love, even though that love will need to remain behind closed doors. Here is the choice?

(Humm . . . my preference would be to walk down the street holding my husband’s hand, but I am not in the same boat as D.)

It is an interesting dilemma which I would not want to be in. Just think of it as an arranged marriage which have nothing to do with love―a contract pertaining to power, status, land, money, fame and the list can go on. Life behind closed doors will go on, with the bearded couple coming home and then going their separate ways. The PR and public face vanishes as they roll their eyes and step away.

Beard weddings can work it both parties are friends and have a good relationship knowing all too well what is expected of them. There are fake marriages where the couple get home to their respective real partners. Their respective, real loves, might themselves be part of a breaded marriage. All you need is to have a system to travel back and forth between the real homes unseen. There are lots of ways to make a fake marriage work, and again, it will only work if all parties get along.

In my belief D is in fact in the closet and does not like his beard . . . well, how can it work if the parties do not get along?

If, from the other perspective of D is straight and in love with M, I have to wish them all the best. The problem is, when you look at video and pictures, he does not look like a man who is in love and who is going to get married. D looks trapped. Mind you, the other side posts tons of video and pictures which shows D and M smiling, laughing and having fun. Who is telling the truth? I do not know and may never know. I have a gut feeling, but that will not hold up in the court of public opinion nor the court of legal opinion

Only the principals in this affair know for certain what is happening. Mind you, even if D whispered in my ear his dislike for his beard, I would never state it because one; D need to give me permission to do so, two; I would need undisputable proof No, the words need to come from D’s mouth and in a public forum where there can be no denial afterword. Until then, I am relatively blind to his reality and filled with hope.

From the perspective of D being in the closet and in a long-term relationship with C (my believe), I continue to believe this is all part of a lesson, D’s, M’s, C’s and even our souls need to learn. Tibetan Buddhism speak of two ways that someone can be reborn after death. The first is involuntary rebirth under the sway of ‘karma’. The soul is drawn back to life by destructive emotions and desires the soul has not mastered. This is the fate of most of us. A few, select others, through the power of compassion and prayer to benefit others, are believed to be able to choose their place and time of birth as well as their parents. Thus, the soul chooses the circumstances of their rebirth for the benefit of mankind.

The Dalia Lama has said: As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery. We have learned that he keys to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear, and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.

In this regard, the kamacitic cycle brings us back in order to learn compassion, but in doing do, negative karma may become the catalyst of our learning. In this regard, M, RR and others have a role to play because the learning is not just D’s.

In such, sides have been drawn, and lines scribbled in the sand. All sides continue to speculate about the things we hear and see. If we look beyond this life into our past lives and relationships, we carry baggage with us from one to the other. Now, I do not expect you to understand my Buddhist/spiritualist point of view, but I believe in these lessons. I think D is coming to the apex of his lesson with a decision to be made. For all I know, it may already have been made and it is now working through the final chapters of a long book toward a happy ending for all.

D is a carrying person who I believe has a karma anchored by compassion. Now, we look at what D is going through from the view of what D is going through. Ask yourself; what is M or RR learning? Is D the catalyst for their learning as they are for his. What is C learning? When we look at the whole affair from a spiritual point of view, karma has a hold on all of us, principals and spectators alike. As spectators, what are we learning? I have fairly good idea what this is teaching me, though I know I am not at the end of the path yet.

You can see it in how D acts around those he respects, loves and his fans. He is truly happy and smiling and his compassion shines. I believe D wants a happy ending for all. In such I think there will be cooling off period during which M will move into the next phase of her life keeping as much face (in the Japanese meaning) as possible. If played right, they could split with the minimum disruption to their lives.

Being gay is not always easy in a world where many people look at you with distain or worse. Being gay and famous can be a double edge sword. Being gay, in the closet and a celebrity only adds to the problems. We only need to read articles from actors like C/hris C/olfer, M/att D/allas, E/llen D/egeneres, C/olton H/aynes, C R/icky M/artin and N/eil P/atrick H/arris we can see what can happen when you come out and survive.

We can speculate, but, from the perspective of being gay/lesbian and breaded, is marriage (legal or contract) the right way to go? I am not in a position to say yea or nay because I am not in D’s situation. I can only speculate based on my own life experiences.

From the perspective of the soul and compassion, each of us must look at events and respect decisions that have and will be made..

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greetingsfromeboncreek · 4 years ago

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In my defense, I was literally asked.

So, I have actually been asked about my LGBTQ+ headcanons for Suppression. I shall now recite from my massive, ancient textb- ok no, I’m kidding, Iggy was my most detailed one, but here’s some others I’ve been kicking around under the cut:

So first and foremost, I want to be clear: There doesn’t have to be a REASON to make someone gay or transgender of asexual or whatever. There is no reason for these things in real life after all, people just are. You can be a rocket scientist or a wrestler or a pigeon breeder and just happen to be someone who was assigned a different gender at birth as well. It happens. That’s not to say that there isn’t a culture and some common trends that go along with it, but the point I’m trying to make is that just because I’m noting my favorite characters to think these sorts of things about here, you could literally make ANYONE LGBT. There’s no checkboxes you have to tick before you get your lesbian license.

...but if there was, Sam would have like 3 of them.

ANYWAY so yeah that’s the first one: 1. Everyone is gay and transgender. All of them. All at the same time. Figure it out.

Also, even if any of these WERE canon, I wouldn’t expect it to come up very often either? Suppression is a very action based comic, I don’t think there’s a lot of downtime for characters to be like “ANYWAY, I’m going on a date with ANOTHER GUY this Wednesday because that’s HOW I ROLL.” Because that would be. Weird. Still, sometimes an offhand mention can go a long way.

To organize this a little bit better though, I’m going to split it into “Characters who I think could or should be X, Y, and/or Z” and “Characters where I wouldn’t do that unless a lot of effort was put into pulling it off well.” Personal dos and don’ts, pretty much.

For characters who I think are or could be LGBT, well, like I said, it’s fun to imagine just about anyone, and I think making a character some type of LGBT can add a really fun element to someone that ordinarily would be a little bit boring. In this case though, I’m expressing only my thoughts on the ones that either have some sort of written element that could be taken as supporting my headcanon, or ones where I think it would play well with their pre-established traits and desires. So, without further ado:

1. Samantha Wight is a lesbian, in both continuities but ESPECIALLY the reboot, god. I think this one is most obvious when you compare the version of her that existed in the preboot timeline in comparison to the reboot. And for that, I’ve got to talk about the Wights a bit, or at least as how they were in the preboot.

They come off to me as… well, deeply repressed, unhappy, and (let’s be honest, most likely) very conservative people. They all want something out of life and want to be proud of themselves and their family, but are so deadlocked in trying to “maintain the family tradition and honor” and whatnot that they end up dragging each other back down into that depressive pit. There’s plenty of examples of this; Alaster is very proud of being a Wight and their traditions of burning and pillaging, but hates what his family has become and how they treat each other. He tries very hard to be a good role model for his younger relatives even though he’s unable to get out from under his father’s thumb himself. Meredith is incredibly enthusiastic (and gifted!) about her family’s magic traditions and history but is constantly facing snotty, belittling remarks about how airheaded she is from Samantha. In addition, it’s clear her dad and uncle don’t understand her in the slightest, let alone have a shred of respect for her (or if they do, it's for her use as a resource or tool and not as a person with her own merits). Jericho thinks the Wights are already great, but is increasingly frustrated with the fact that his beliefs mean absolutely nothing in the wider world and he doesn’t actually have the power to do anything about it. Heck, even Arthur had a line that implied a LOT about how he and Max were raised- how he didn’t really want to be a necromancer, but picked it so he could “get out of what Dad had (Max) doing”. It gives off the impression that no matter how powerful a Wight you are, your life gets set in stone at birth and you aren’t changing it, no matter how hard you try, and those traditional roles are HARSH. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alaster wasn’t the only Wight that got quietly offed when they stepped out of line, that’s for sure.

Needless to say, I would imagine it would be pretty much impossible to come out as anything in that sort of environment… provided that you managed to get out enough to learn about that stuff to start with. And Sam definitely appears to be one of the worst victims of this. She died really young. While Meredith and Alaster might have gotten to go to a public school or at least hit the mall every once in a while, she probably spent every second since the day she died locked up in the mansion because… well, zombies aren’t supposed to exist. Unable to go anywhere, do anything of value, make any friends… it’s really no wonder her nihilism cranked up to 11 in just a decade or so. Not to mention (especially in comparison to the reboot), there’s no way she can buy her own clothes, so she’s literally just a Wight themed dress up doll. She has the Wight family logos literally all over her- bones in her dress, the skull on her head and shoes, a Wight crest on her necklace, most of them oversized for her stature. Literally weighing her down in a poofy dress that makes her look adorable instead of practical. Heck, she’s even drawn in a way depicts how she’s had her agency removed. She’s a Wight, so she definitely HAS the sharp pointy teeth, and yet unlike everyone else in her family you barely ever see them. (If at all- I’m pretty sure you don’t, but I’m not going to go through every page she appears to check.) She’s literally defanged and weighed down by family expectations. It’s no wonder she lashes out at Meredith, who is capable of actually expressing herself to a degree.

(Also, a smaller side headcanon- I’ve noticed that while the red eyed fangy icon is the Wight family crest, those simplified skulls on Samantha and Meredith’s heads appear a lot as well. I like to think that those were the family crest of Nora’s now extinct bloodline from when she married into the Adigard family. Even though they aren’t the official Wight crest, they’re now considered a sort of secondary crest that’s still carried around out of respect to the maternal lineage, which is why you see it more prominently on the women of the family as well. Is there any textual support for this? No, none, but it’s still fun to think about.)

SO YEAH, Sam in the reboot, wow. Goes by a (notably more gender neutral) nickname instead of the longer and more formal “Samantha”, with her clothing following. Jeans and a t-shirt. Square glasses. Very short hair. The family symbols are now not dragging her down, but smaller accents that she wears to go with her outfit instead of defining it. She’s finally free! She has a job she likes. She takes pride in her skills. She has a favorite sandwich spot and a college education and friends. ...And like, maybe a girlfriend? It would be nice. This is admittedly because her style of hair and dress is… well. Kinda butch. But like I’ve mentioned before, physical appearance is one of the last indicators I like to go for with this. Instead, I prefer to look at it in terms of her personality- outside of the deathgrip of outdated family tradition, Sam can afford to be herself more, and yeah, maybe that involves dating folks with the same gender and wearing blue jeans. This is also kinda supported to a degree by how her siblings haven’t changed that much since the old timeline. Merry’s outfit is pretty much the exact same. Jericho doesn’t have the biohazard suit, but his new outfit still kinda evokes it in the hat, long coat, and boots. He still seems to prefer the same styles, at least. Alaster is pretty different, but that’s more because he’s wearing a uniform more than anything, and with the bandages it’s clear he’s still putting his own personal spin on it. Sam is COMPLETELY different, and it’s a change for the better and happier. So yeah. It would be really fitting if part of that new access to personal freedom was in getting to explore her sexuality as well, and eventually settling down into being a lesbian. It would be a happy ending to Samantha’s story, even Sam’s is only getting started.

2. Arrie is bisexual! What? Who do you think it is that Sam’s dating? But yeah, I ship them pretty hard. Like Sam, Arrie has some pretty big personality differences between her preboot self and current self, Parrios vs. Tinderbolt. Old Arrie seemed to be well versed in politics, able to negotiate and take charge easily even if she was a bit overly formal and her interpersonal skills weren’t QUITE up to snuff. That’s not to say that she couldn’t have been bi, but I also didn’t read her as vibing with anyone all that well.

Not to turn this into a massive shipping discussion (as that’s not really the topic I’m trying to cover here), but I saw her most interesting potential romantic foils as Trevor and Sally… but neither of them were very likely in practice. She and Trevor were good friends but the last time they spoke in the comic he stuck his own foot in his mouth with her and they never got the opportunity to work things out after that (and even then, there was no sort of… spark implying that they would make each other better as a couple. Seriously, just friends.), which leaves that ship on a particularly sour note. And while she and Sally were FANTASTIC counterparts to each other (rough and tumble demon girl and overly formal and technical elf princess? Sally getting her to slowly loosen up and have fun with it a bit while also reminding her how much her one liners suck? Arrie coming to impress her and earn her respect with fancy spellwork? Hell yeah.), but they only spent maybe an hour tops with each other and didn’t have any opportunity for deeper conversation. Also, that would mean that Sally and Bael wouldn’t be a thing and I refuse to break that couple up.

But Arrie in the reboot? Oh man. Her social awkwardness and getting stuck on details have really been dialed up now that she’s essentially been raised in a classroom and in private study instead of being trained as a politician and dignitary. She’s no longer a princess, but a magic computer programmer. She’s anxious, stubborn, and definitely has a lot of room to grow. But, that’s where Sam comes in. They’ve known each other since they were little- they definitely know each other’s baggage and have accepted it. They know each other’s hopes and dreams. They spend a ton of time with each other. And yeah, they bring out the best in each other. Sam gets Arrie to leave her room once in a while, and Arrie’s attention to detail means she no doubt always listens to Sam complain long after anyone else would have tuned it out. And yes, you could easily interpret this as mere best friend territory, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it was something more? After all, Sam is really touchy-feely with Arrie even though she’s normally standoffish. She drapes herself all over Arrie in the early pages of the comic, and Arrie barely blinks. Sam threatens to drag her and Arrie is suddenly done with her work, but they’re both smiling about it. Similarly, when Arrie finally pries Sam off of her with magic, Sam just lets Arrie toss her around midair even though they both know she could use it offensively (which Arrie does when tussling with Sally later.). But they both know Arrie would never do that- they trust each other implicitly. Again, could just be friendship, but it’s not difficult to read into it and see a bit more intimacy than that. Additionally, it would really be neat to see them together just from an angle of “Their families used to be bitter enemies, but… well, not for these two, I guess.”

Also, it’s really funny to imagine a copy of that first scene but Sam’s in fancy clothing trying to drag Arrie to their anniversary dinner. For god’s sake Arrie, you’re already in the dress. The runes look FINE. You’re going to miss your reservation, get UP.

(And on another headcanon side-note- If I was going to cosplay as anyone in the comic, it would 100% be Arrie, if just because I have blonde hair and blue eyes and none of her outfits look too crazy to sew and it's not that hard to find elf ears online. With current circumstances though, I don’t think I’ll be doing anything like that any time soon.)

3. Charlie is agender or genderfluid, at least in the preboot timeline. This is less “it just feels right” and more “this is probably the inevitable conclusion of having hundreds of souls with conflicting gender identities stuffed into one body.” He is made up of boys, girls, and people who never got to have enough of a personal identity to make a decision about that sort of thing. Just a big bag of angry ghosts. Considering what happens in the approximate… like… what, six to nine months or so? That he gets to exist, I don’t think he really thought about what gender he was all that hard and probably only went with “he” because that’s what everyone who met him assumed he was. Which, let’s be honest, he’s canonically very emaciated, has long, probably matted hair, and probably has heavily stunted growth due to his upbringing- I think it would actually be pretty hard to figure him out on first glance. I’ve just noticed that people tend to default to “this is a dude” if they don’t know right away. If he had time to think about it though, I think he either a. Honestly would not give a crap, or b. Would just switch his pronouns around depending on how he was feeling that day. Heck, while “Charles” is definitely a guy’s name, I’ve definitely seen “Charlie” used for both. So he wouldn’t even have to change anything there. Still, if you asked him what he identifies as, his answer would probably something like “An Avatar Of Vengeance”, which, while accurate, isn’t the answer most people are looking for. (He knows this. He does it on purpose.) That being said though, I still have no clue what reboot Charlie’s deal is or how many souls he’s got stuffed up in there, but hey! Like I said, anyone can be anything so who’s to say Charlie ISN’T still genderfluid in the current timeline? Could have just been a “dude” day when we met him the first time around.

4. Junior is genderfluid! Or, well, would have been in the future. This just feels like a logical progression of the worldview Junior had going. He seemed very into transhumanism and just changing yourself to who you want to be instead of sitting there and waiting for it. I certainly can’t imagine him going “Hm yes. I have all these options, but I think I’m just going to stick with being a Regular Dude until the day I die.” when he was so gung-ho about getting his hands chopped off and replaced with giant claws. Therefore I could see a “I think, therefore I am.” sort of philosophy with regards to his gender developing as he gets older. “I think I want to be a girl today, so I am a girl! That’s all there is to it!” Unfortunately, considering he was being raised to be a weapon (or at least a lab rat) of some sort, I don’t know how much his identity would be respected, but I’d imagine there’s at least one or two people in his life that would nod and swap over to what he was feeling that day.

5. Lexi as a nonbinary woman. To explain a little bit, most people who imagine nonbinary genders for the first time think of gender as a slider with “dude” on the left side and “lady” on the right side with nonbinary genders somewhere in the middle. And for some people, that’s how they feel… but for others, its not that simple, with their gender being somewhere “off the grid” so to speak, or aligning themselves with one gender but… not.. QUITE all the way with it, or picking and choosing the parts of it they like, etc. So a girl or a guy, but… a nonbinary girl or guy. I could see Lexi as this, using she/her pronouns or they/them pronouns, just kind of being blase about it.

I talked about the Wight’s general culture a little bit and how it came off to me, but not Thal’nasia’s. To put it simply, I don’t think Thal’nasia is NEARLY as bad as the Wights, but I do think it has its own troubles. Between Trevor’s comments about how the humans shouldn’t trust anyone (which is probably in reference to the politicians, but it also implies a “the walls have ears” sort of vibe for the kingdom in general) and the fact that the elves are several years behind human culture in general, I could imagine being different in this way wouldn’t be… necessarily frowned upon, but there would certainly be a lot of gossip. Not to mention, it’s not like anyone who lives there can just move away if coming out doesn’t go so well. So I’d imagine things would be a little awkward for anyone who’s off the beaten track in terms of gender identity or sexuality, getting a lot of gritted teeth smiles and hesitant “Uh-huhs”. And then getting a lot of whispers and giggles as soon as their back is turned.

With that in mind, I think Lexi would have some trouble getting people to take her seriously, but in some ways I think this meshes well with what we saw of her in the preboot setting. She’s already a pretty counterculture person, working in a store that explicitly sells things that are edgy or in poor taste. And she’s already used to secluding herself to a degree, considering that she had been able to hide her plague markings for a while by the time we saw her for the first time. So for people she doesn’t know too well, I could see her introducing her gender in a half-joking manner similar to how she runs her shop in general, and gauging their reaction to see if they’re cool about it or not, at which point she’d either double down on the edgy performance or relax a bit.

6. Cerene is polyamorous! This one’s mostly for fun, and mostly because it was implied that Cerene had to pick either Morris or Charlie, and… why not both? Neither Morris nor Charlie seemed to dislike each other, and neither seem like the jealous type. Morris is super chill and reasonable, and as I already mentioned up in #3 I really don’t think Charlie’s the kind to care about traditional relationships. And who’s to say they wouldn’t like each other as well? Not to mention Cerene’s certainly capable of splitting her attention and dedicating the time needed to maintain a relationship that’s… bigger than most peoples’. I’m just saying, if anyone could make a polycule work, it’s probably Cerene with her insane networking skills. Bael’s downplaying her skills by just assuming she sleeps around a lot. Oh no- she’s asking multiple people about their day, keeping notes of their personal preferences and wants for birthday gift reasons, and plotting out multiple sweet date ideas to take place simultaneously. She has this shit ORGANIZED. There is a day planner. Also she gets to bang a lot but that’s, like, secondary.

7. James Narron is gay? Perhaps? Granted we only barely know him, but still. He seems like a nice guy with a tendency to scoop up and mentor outcast children. Perhaps due to a history of being a bit of an outcast himself? Not enough to damage his career- he’s still head of the scholar’s society after all- but something that makes him feel a little different in the crowd. I just think it would be neat!

8. Mara is a trans girl. This one’s a bit harder to explain, and considering I have no idea how she’s translated over to the reboot timeline (if at all, seeing as the circumstances of her backstory and personality have been completely erased.) Buuut I think this meshes well with her once you take into account her various motivations. She’s determined to be taken seriously. People try to brush her off due to being very young and not mentally fit for the position due to the whole “child soldier” thing. So she’s used to people not taking her seriously at best and at worst finding the fact that she’s in her hard-earned position at all to be disgusting. Not to mention that folks don’t exactly trust the red army to start with. This… surprisingly parallels a lot of what transwomen have to go through, both being taken seriously as real women and as not being seen as a “threat”. This is probably even harder for younger trans girls who no doubt constantly get the “Okay, but can you really be SURE at your age?” treatment.

You could also link this, surprisingly, into her hairstyle. Mara has boxy cut bangs in the front, but has a long twist braid in the back, far longer than most other characters in the comic. You could argue its a sense of personal style, but there’s a reason people in the military cut their hair so short (and even women in the military keep theirs in tight buns.). So you could handwave it as “it helps differentiate the character and looks like a vine, which is her whole shtick.”, which is a completely valid reading! But it’s known that a lot of trans women grow their hair out as a point of pride in transitioning, and its heartbreaking if they have to get it cut off again. So while it might be more convenient and strategic for Mara to cut her hair, she could also have a very good reason for keeping it as long as possible,

9. Dr. Grenner is bisexual. Or just questioning? Something like that? This has zero textual support and is just kind of fun to think about in terms of the personal conflict it would bring up for him. First and foremost- not everyone figures out that they’re LGBT right away. It’s not a “kids these days” sort of thing, anyone can learn something new about themselves at any time. It would be nice to see a character that has this experience, just for fun and interest! That being said, Grenner as we know him would be an interesting choice for this, considering that until very recently in the preboot’s storyline, he was likely happily married to a woman. (I mean. Iggy had to come from SOMEWHERE, and I doubt he was plucked out of a cabbage patch.) And it ended… badly.

As a result, I could see him being really conflicted due to his grief and the fact that he’s now single for the first time in decades. And, well. Santris is the only guy who really seems to stop and have any in depth conversations with him who isn’t a coworker or a patient. (Also, he’s kinda pretty. And Grenner finds that he can’t really stop looking at his eyes? That’s. Weird. Hm.) This leads into mental conflict between “It’s fine! Plenty of people figure this out at your age, and let’s be honest, there WERE some signs for it back when you were in college.” and “This isn’t anything, you’re still heavily grieving and you have a monster living in the back of your head and you’re heavily projecting onto the one person that actually treats you like a person. Get ahold of yourself.” Which one is it? Well, that’s what storytelling is for, you figure it out. But I could easily imagine himself just sitting there and psychoanalyzing himself endlessly to try and keep the issue at arms length, treating himself like a patient to avoid having to confront the emotional reality of his grief, guilt, and weird crush.

Not sure how Santris would feel about all of this because who even knows what that guy thinks, but I’m pretty sure he would definitely notice. And maybe milk it just a little bit so he doesn’t have to stretch and grab things on tall shelves anymore. Or pull out his own chair. Or make his own coffee. It’s a nice change of pace.

Is this piling too much on poor Grenner when he’s already such a guilt driven person? Yeah, probably. But what is fiction but a chance to torment fictional people with weird crises about their sexuality.

10. The old Wights? Are probably a lot of things? I’m not necessarily referring to the old Wights we’ve seen already, just the culture and atmosphere for the old clan in general. I definitely noticed how the old Wights and Adigards definitely don’t have the same culture as the new ones. There’s no need to prove themselves to be great- they ARE the greatness that the modern Wights are trying to live up to. So there’s not as much of an issue with trying to “fit in”. They’re the ones setting the standard to start with. Not to mention the old Wights are so far modified from their original human bodies already, does it really matter what they identify as after a certain point? That guy has 50 arms with flesh ripping claws and you’re saying he’s not a guy because there’s also a set of boobs involved? How do you know he didn’t put those on himself anyway? Let’s be honest, most people are going to refer to you as “OH GOD, WHY WON’T IT DIE!” anyway. Might as well call yourself whatever you want.

There’s also at least a little bit of historical support to this as well. The old Wights are vikings, or at least rather viking-inspired. In comparison to a lot of peoples that were living at the same time, vikings were surprisingly chill? It’s pretty well known that viking women could own property and demand divorces, etc. Who’s to say the Adigard family couldn’t take that an extra step further?

And then there’s the characters I WOULDN’T make a particular thing, whether it REALLY doesn’t make sense for them story-wise, or would just be stumbling into a bad stereotype for a particular group. I don’t think it’s impossible, but you’d definitely need to have more members OF that group in the story to make it clear that that’s just what that particular CHARACTER is like, and not an assumption of what that group of PEOPLE is like.

1. It could look bad if Sally was a transwoman. Don’t get me wrong- I love Sally a LOT. Like, SO much. Her personality is so much fun and I just love big, kinda dumb brawler characters. She has interesting twists to her personality (like how she loves being strong and having cool powers but is also aware that she didn’t use to be quite this aggressive and violent and finds it difficult to know where the line is and know when to stop.) and makes an excellent foil to the characters that have a tendency to ramble on. But… let’s be honest, having the explicitly beefy, aggressive female character be the only transgender woman would be a really bad look. Trans women are very frequently under a large amount of scrutiny for how they present themselves, and overly muscled and aggressive individuals are one of the negative stereotypes for that group. Does that mean I think Sally is a bad character? No, absolutely not! I’m aware she has depth, and for a cisgender woman I think her power set is a breath of fresh air. God knows I’d love to have the ability to throw someone across a city block when a guy’s been following me for a little too long when I’m walking home at 2 am. But I do think that, in the absence of other trans women, making her transgender would be choice made in poor taste as it hews too close to stereotypes that have been made to insult and belittle these women.

2. Max and Arthur as… well, anything. This is in regards to the preboot setting. We have known Arthur for literally one page in the reboot and he’s already clearly pretty different from the old version of him so I’m withholding all judgement there. Still, this one’s a little harder to explain.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of a young Maxwell feeling absolutely nothing for all of the girls dragged in front of him as potential suitors and eventually picking one for no reason other than “Dad liked her”. Max assuming its normal to feel this way because being asexual isn’t an option when it’s your literal job to carry on the family bloodline. I like the idea of Arthur waking up from an accidental nap in front of the TV to find that it’s moved on to some sort of documentary about trans women and how relieved they felt to be able to reflect on the outside how they felt on the inside and sits there watching it blithely for a little bit too long before he identifies that feeling in his chest as something close to pain and scrambles for the remote a little too fast while grumbling something about kids these days ruining their bodies for shits and giggles. (Hey remember how I mentioned that those skull motifs are usually only worn by girls? I say usually because Arthur is the only dude who wears them. Funny, that.)

It could definitely be interesting to interpret them as something else, but… I think it would have to be in an AU or timeline just to the left where they’re. Mmmmore tolerable as people. Look let’s be honest, in the original Suppression timeline, Max and Arthur are some of the biggest… well, evil people we see. The younger Wights have their sympathetic traits (or are just hilariously outmatched such that they aren’t really a threat. Sorry Jericho.). Grenner wasn’t even trying to be a villain. Kolt is creepy as hell and I try to forget he exists. William… isn’t really traditionally sapient, it’s hard to hate an evil Siri. We don’t know much about Santris, and we were really only getting started on Maggie and Bartleby. But Max and Arthur kill innocent people, kill their kids, kill each other because they’re canonically selfish, miserable people. If you wanted to redeem either, they’d have to be… well, not those people. So like I said, you’d need a different version of canon.

This is because, well. While I’m sure there are evil people that are… let’s pick one and say gay. 1. Gay-coding villains is a well known negative stereotype. And 2. Saying that people who are against LGBT rights in real life are totally just repressed gay people is both harmful and… idk, annoying. For point one, there’s plenty of villains where they’re presented with traits associated with LGBT individuals. Think how Ursula in The Little Mermaid was based on a drag queen, Scar in The Lion King is a sort of effeminate gay stereotype, Raoul Silva in Skyfall and his… weird homoeroticism. Don’t ask me why those were the first three examples that came to mind. In and of itself, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Everyone loves Disney villains, they’re the most fun characters! But in settings where they’re the ONLY characters that are LGBT, it suddenly creates the stereotype that… all LGBT people are inherently evil, deviant, or corrupt in some way. Which is a nasty thing to say. For a lot of the other villains, it could be fun! But these two are just so unavoidably (if amusingly) awful that it feels… weird to pin this stuff on them.

Which leads me into the second point. It’s fun to poke fun at say… a pastor saying all gay people are going to hell by going “Man, he has sure been talking about gay guys and their gay sex for a really long time huh? Makes you wonder, huh?” Because unfortunately at the end of the day… statistically, they aren’t. They just want to hurt those people (or “help” them in their own minds but again, let’s be real here.) And even if they ARE, they’re doing so much damage that it’s hard to feel sorry for them. It feels similar to my own experiences where I’d be bullied by a guy at school and the adults around me would be like “Oh don’t worry, he just has a crush on you!” Great! Awesome! That helps me out a LOT and makes me feel so much better. Really unrips up the homework he stole from me. That’s definitely a behavior we should be encouraging in guys too. Just fantastic. Yeah, I don’t think that mindset really helps anyone, and frankly feels like it would be a shallow addition to these guys.

And let’s be honest, with these two it feels like part of the fun that they’re so irredeemably awful because when they lose it feels just that much better. It was so, SO funny watching Max get squished by a demon falling several stories, or watching Sally deck Arthur in the face and Arrie blind him temporarily. It was fitting watching Arthur drink Max’s phylactery, wrapping up both of their character arcs as selfish people who inevitably only had each other but couldn’t even trust each other- and shouldn’t have. And then Sin Arthur got thrown around like a ragdoll by King Law like five minutes later. It was GREAT. If it turns out that deep down they felt differently but didn’t feel like they could say or do anything about it, it would make them more sympathetic and thus make me feel… well, worse about watching them get beat down on. Which would inevitably make those moments I mentioned fall a little flat.

So, uhm. Yeah. I think that’s everything? Just about everything? Holy crap, I was NOT expecting to write this much. Maybe a few notes for each character, but nothing huge. And it did get huge, that’s. That’s a LOT of words. I’d apologize, but I’m not THAT sorry about it- it was really nice to get the opportunity to put to words some of the feelings I’ve been having on this stuff for a while.

#text post #uhhhh #holy shit yeah i dont have much else to say lol #commentary #headcanons

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veryfineday · 4 years ago

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Saturday 9 November 1833

7 50/..

12 1/2

+ U U U L U U

very fine morning Fahrenheit 48 1/2º at 8 a.m. on the marble slab in my bedroom and 51º at 9 a.m. on my writing desK in my bedroom and the same in my salon – breakfast at 10 having written out in 3/4 hour my German translation for this morning – monsieur Christiani Lesson 18 from 10 1/2 to 11 40/.. – then wrote German translation for Tuesday and had a little nap till 12 1/2 –

from then to 3 3/4 wrote 3 pp.[pages] and ends and under the seal all but the 1st 1 1/2 page very small and close – nothing to regret but the having no better account of my aunt herself – but to Keep up her spirits – how much we can recover from! How Lady Stuart much older than my aunt recovered from that terrible erysipelas in her legs! shall go on hoping for my aunt’s being better accounts by and by – if not, or if she wishes me to return, tho impossible now by sea, can manage it some way – the post is seldom interrupted –

then much afterwards asKing her to write to Fisher for mrs. N-’s[Norcliffe’s] address in Bath, and to asK major N-[Norcliffe] for Waller’s address in Saint Petersburg, add ‘I thinK of going there, if your are are well enough to allow of my going in comfort – if not, I shall give up the thought for the present, and return home whenever you wish it – only Keep up your spirits’ shall take care of myself etc. etc. nobody in England Knows what bad roads mean – Even the pavement of the great square here worse than any I ever saw in England – Lord and Lady Howard de Walden arrived by our government steamer from StocKholm yesterday on Saturday – bad passage – aground near here, the fault of the pilate – wish them well thro’ the Kattegat –

What does Cordingley say to John Oates’s having married a young woman of 23? – glad the business settled and money paid for mrs. Walsh’s land – | shall have the opinion about the upper brea water by and by – mr. ParKer right to send serve the writs upon the misses Walker of Walterclough – stuff not to be lead into the hole after it is sown with acorns which is to be done this season – acorns to be sown every where (except in my walK) where they have missed coming up – plenty to be sown in the conery wood only take care to get seed ones of the good common sort of oaK – and these and holly berries as many as John can find to be sown in every little bit of ground fenced off-end of hall wood, behind the barn there take up a sod or two and they will burst thro’ the grass to be sown too where the Spanish chestnuts are that I may have something growing there – pit hill in the conery wood to be sown with acorns and holly berries – |

[margin: John to marK the 2 young oaKs co[me] up in the wheat field – ]

find the climate here much the same as in England – Keep my room cool (cold) and walK 7 English miles RosKilde road about 3 days a weeK go out almost every evening – mention having been presented at court, and going to the Queens ball in white satin and prince Xtns’s[Christian’s] – invited everywhere – thinK of going to a private apartment – not quite certain so to direct her next letter here to the hotel – shall be in the same house with Comte and Comtess molKe (he gentleman de la chambre she a maid of honour) who will be all Kindness – and Lady Harriet will arrange all for me – not to mention my society concerns except to my father and marian her fireside circle – found already I can have another travelling companion – told M-[Mariana] I felt inclined to try travelling alone – |‘already I began to waver – but we shall see how you are and then determine – the lady I allude to (madame Hage) is a Danish widow, in comfortable circumstances, good-looKing, sensible, about 40, dejected at her last loss, that of an only child, a charming girl, as everybody says, of 18, and longing to travel to divert her mind from too much dwelling on affliction – she is a great favourate with princess Julia, and seems generally Known and liKed – She speaKs Danish, English, French and German, as almost everybody (of the higher orders) does here’ – French however the foreign language most spoken in society –|

dressed at 4 20/.. for Eugenie to go to the play – dinner at 5 – added to my letter wrote across my 1st page inquiries if the acorns in Wellroyde upper brow and where John and I sowed them are come up, and if the gate and turnstile are put up in Lower brea lane just above Jonathan mallinson’s pigsties – ‘and let there be a common wall, with a turnstile, across the road just on the Wellroyde side of the entrance to Lower brea and to the garden, so that no stray cattle could not even get down from george Robinson’s’ – and the gap from James Smith’s new road thro’ Daisy banK corner into Lower brea wood to be well made up –

speaKing of my being presented – ‘I have been presented at court, to the King and queen, and the rest, had separate audiences of the queen, and the 5 princess, and was at the queen’s ball on her birthnight, and at the ball the other night at prince Xtian’s[Christian’s] – prince Christian is heir presumptive to the throne; and his princess is one of the handsomest and most dignified woman I have ever seen – she is clever, too, and most graciously agreeable – the queen is a very superior person – a woman of great tact and talent, very handsome in earlier life, still goodlooKing, and still preserving her good figure, and good style of dress – you would be pleased to see how well I an received here – I am invited everywhere’ –

at 6 20/.. sent down for the post (the bag from this house goes to the office at 7) my letter to my aunt ‘mrs. Lister Shibden hall, Halifax, YorKshire, England’ – then sat down to my wine and drank IN-’s[Isabella Norcliffe’s] health aetatis 47 today – How time slips away! – out at 6 50/.. to Lady Harriet and sat with her and mr. de H- [Hagemann] till 8 20/.. – begged him to tell miss Dÿring I would take miss Gall’s apartment at 50 species a month curtains and carpet batterie de cuisine etc. all complete – Lady Harriet said the cooK she spoke of would be glad to come to me for 8 dollars a month – to dine at the de H-’s[Hagemann’s] tomorrow and speaK to the woman myself –

th[e]n to the Bluchers glad to see me do you ask me said I to Miss Ferrall to take cake at tea yes well then said I will she kissed and gave it how that girl might make up to me if she liked but I pay all attention to the countess who after all seems not displeased – speaking of Mrs Stuart Courtenay then countess let slip it was a disadvantage that Mrs Lister did not know her I took no notice but afterwards begged I might not be asked to meet knew nothing against but had not moral courage to begin any acquaintance under such unfavorable circumstances – home at 11 10/.. – fine day – Fahrenheit 53º in my salon now at 12 tonight –

#anne lister code breaker #madame de Hagemann #isabella norcliffe #aunt anne

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tech-battery · 5 years ago

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The Canon EOS R5 is the Most Exciting Camera Anyone Has Released in Over a Decade

I’m not one to generally heap praise on camera products that one, I haven’t tested or two, haven’t even been fully announced yet let alone released. But given what we know about Canon’s upcoming EOS R5, I have to change precedents, sit back and just clap.

Canon has been the butt of many criticisms and jokes over the past nearly ten years, and for good reason: the products they have been releasing have been mostly pomp and circumstance and not performance. They haven’t been at the leading edge of imaging technology since pretty much the 5D Mark III, with the exception of the 1D X Mark II that was priced above what was competitive at the time, didn’t stay in the technology lead for long, and came with many caveats.

The 1D X Mark III was good, but it didn’t blow any of us away. It impressed, don’t get me wrong, but we aren’t staring slack-jawed at it.

But the EOS R5 — that’s an entirely different story. This camera is shaping up to be the most impressive technological leap between models, nay compared to what is currently on the entirety of the market, that we’ve ever seen.

Model-to-Model Technology Leap

I know that the R5 isn’t technically a next-generation EOS R (we are still expecting them to give us an EOS R Mark II at some point), but the timing and market offerings from Canon puts the R5 as its technology successor. If you wanted, you could argue that the R5 is more the successor to the 5D Mark IV, and since the EOS R is basically a mirrorless 5D Mark IV, I wouldn’t disagree with you.

Whatever you do choose to compare it to, the R5 is offering an unprecedented gigantic technology leap from any other camera Canon has ever made. Not only that, it puts to shame every other hybrid camera currently available and even outperforms almost every high-end cinema camera available.

Just looking at the R5 spec list compared to either the EOS R or the 5D Mark IV, it might be the most impressive leap in capability I’ve ever seen between any two models of any digital camera, ever. Not just between Canon products, but between any two models of any camera released by any company.

And with all this said, I think we can truly put to rest the notion that Canon purposely holds back their hybrid cameras to “protect” their cinema line.

The Effect on the Industry

When the 5D Mark II was released, it really did change the industry entirely. Both photo and video in one device could be argued as the biggest shift in digital imaging in our lifetimes.

But can you argue that the EOS R5’s offerings are on par with that, given what is available on the market?

Given that it can shoot full-frame, uncropped 8K at 24p and 30p, in RAW, Canon Log H.265 or HDR PQ H.265 with full-time Dual Pixel autofocus all internally, I am really racking my brain to say this camera is worse from a pure specifications standpoint than most RED, ARRI or Sony camcorders. It will even shoot 4K at 120p, a spec that no hybrid camera to date has yet to hit and is reserved for those super high-end camcorders I just mentioned.

Oh, and it doesn’t just do that slow-motion capture just to add a spec to the box, but is nearly without compromise: it’ll record that 120 frames per second internally at 4:2:2 10-bit in Canon Log. If you wanted to narrow that scope to just cameras with full-frame, it’s an even more exclusive club: the R5 is the only member.

The biggest effect on the industry though might be proving how much can fit into a small package without fans and without, at this point, compromise.

To get 8K in a RED (like the Helium, Gemini, and Dragon) requires some serious cooling. Same with ARRI cameras like the ALEXA LF or the AMIRA, the Sony Venice (which can only do 6K), and even the Panasonic S1H (also capped at 6K) which we already mentioned has a specs list far less impressive than the EOS R5. All those cameras have fans.

Though the R5 doesn’t quite match up with the high-end ARRI or RED cameras I just mentioned, it does come close. Additionally, those cameras aren’t full frame like the R5 or the Sony Venice are, and the R5 beats the Venice in several key categories. It has 8K, and the Venice is only 6K. The R5 can do 4K at 120 frames per second internal, the Venice can only do 60 frames per second in 4K in full frame.

Author’s Note: Sony reached out to let us know that the Venice is capable of 4Kp120 as of Firmware 4.0 which was released in May of last year. However, that increase in frames per second came at a cost: a crop. You can only capture 4Kp120 in Super 35 format. Even though the Venice now competes in frames and resolution, it still falls short of the Canon’s full-frame readout at the same specifications. It can, however, capture up to 90 fps in 6K as of Firmware 5.0 in January 2020, which is a step above the R5. Nevertheless, the fact we are comparing what is likely to be a sub-$10,000 hybrid camera to a $40,000 cinema camera and finding it to be a back and forth boxing match is kind of ridiculous and puts a spotlight on how advanced Canon’s new camera will be.

Back in February, I attended WPPI and Canon showed the R5 (an actual working body, they promised) behind glass. Though we couldn’t hold it, we could look at it from nearly 360 degrees. From what I saw and how the Canon team talked about it, the body of the R5 is identical, at least in footprint, as the EOS R.

That body is tiny compared to any video camera with half the specifications that this camera will surpass. That fact alone will have major rippling effects on the industry. Not only is it pushing technology limits beyond anything we’ve seen before, but it’s also doing it in a body that’s arguably one of the smallest on the market.

That body also has no fan.

Is all this more impressive from an industry standpoint than putting video in a DSLR for the first time? That’s definitely a conversation to have and arguments could be made going both ways. Right now, all I know is it’s an idea we can start to entertain.

I do want to say that I by no means think that the R5 is going to replace ARRI or RED cameras or even the Venice. Though in specifications, it’s coming close or beating many of the capabilities of the cameras made by those three juggernaut brands, camcorders are always going to have major advantages for large production companies that this camera will not address.

But that’s not the point. The point is the gap is closing from what you can do with certain pieces of equipment, and more powerful equipment in more people’s hands means a better chance for incredible independent art to be produced. That’s a cause we should all be championing.

Still a Lot of Questions

Folks are going to criticize this article as well as the R5 for all of the unknowns. For example, up until this point, many public critics of the R5 have all said there was without a doubt going to be some caveat to the 8K recording, either a terrible bitrate or horrendous crop. It was easy to believe this line of thought because for the last decade, Canon has been the king of caveats. They were wrong in this case, but there is still room for healthy skepticism that there will be tradeoffs in other areas.

You can argue that it doesn’t have SDIs, we don’t know how it will manage audio control (maybe they’ll go the Panasonic route and sell a hot shoe adapter), we don’t know if it has dual gain ISO, we don’t know how many or how granular the video bitrates and frame rate options will be, and we also don’t know if it will support all the high-end video features many shooters want (like waveform).

Canon also was reluctant to give us recording time limits at any of these high-end settings, which could be worrisome if they’re only a couple minutes. Given that the S1H has much lower specs than the R5 and that is fan-cooled, I am not certain how Canon is managing the massive amount of heat shooting at 4:2:2 10-bit 8K or RAW will generate. Given what we know about cameras to this point, you would think we would have to limit recording times.

We still don’t know the price point, which is likely going to be a subject of wild speculation from here until we do. Given that it bears the “5” in its name, and that we should expect it to play in a different ballpark than the 1D series, I personally cannot imagine Canon asking for much more than $5,000 at launch. I am by no means sure of this, but their camera hierarchy and need to be competitive makes me feel pretty confident we won’t see a budget-buster of a camera.

But even with all those questions, Canon is showing that Panasonic’s impressive 6K at 4:2:0 isn’t the best that can happen in a compact camera. They’re showing that 4Kp120 in a hybrid camera is not a pipe dream. They’re proving that by embracing CFExpress, you do not need to be restricted by the data ceilings of HDMI or even have the need for USB out, and can deliver RAW recording the day of launch instead of having to wait for third party support (looking at you Nikon and Panasonic).

At every turn it feels like Canon is proving wrong every possible naysayer with the R5. It feels like they are rewriting their stigmas. I am sure the goalposts will be moved again in the coming weeks as folks come up with new reasons to be skeptical of Canon’s impending camera, but I’m going to take a stand and just applaud them for doing as much as they are here.

They haven’t even come close to releasing half the specifications for this camera, and I’m already more than satisfied. At the very least, I hope that most of you will agree with me that the title of this article is not hyperbole. Canon clearly figured out their processor issues and destroyed (nay, absolutely obliterated) any of the barriers that were holding back their development in the past, and I’m just happy to be along for the ride.

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lancecarr · 5 years ago

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1 lens no lights! Minimalist Filmmaking

Is it possible to shoot with just one lens? Is it even a good idea? Is there any advantage to using just 1 lens? Also which is the best lens I should get if I can only afford one? Those are just some of the many questions I get online and today I will answer them all.

First let’s talk about Indie filmmaking. This term usually means that the filmmakers have to be efficient and resourceful. This type of filmmaking also develops skills that can be critical even when working with multimillion dollar budgets. A great example of this is the Academy Award winning film Dallas Buyers Club, directed by Jean-Marc Vallee.

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Even though the film stars Matthew McConaughey, the production was limited to only $5 million. That might seem like a lot to some, but considering the complexity of the production. The story is set in the 1980s and has many locations, including multiple countries and sixty sets. Making this movie was definitely a challenge.

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Fortunately, Jean-Marc Vallee and his team, including the director of photography Yves Belanger and production designer John Paino, were up to the task. They shot the movie without artificial lights, tripods, dollies or other camera stabilizers. They used only one camera – the Arri Alexa – and 1 lens. Well actually two lenses but majority of the film was shot on just 1 lens which was a 50mm focal length and the other slightly wider lens used in tight interior locations was 35mm. This allowed the production team to keep the shoot to only twenty-five days which in turn saved a lot of dollars and allowed them to hire a lot of great and known actors.

During the filming the only lights used were the existing lights on location, or practical lights added to the sets and locations by the production design team. Other than that, the only light source was the sun.

Find out more about the making of “Dallas Buyers Club” HERE.

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In short the less gear you have to setup the less time you will spend setting up and more time shooting. I myself really notice that when working on various projects as the cinematographer. Often I am asked between the shots by the AD how much time we need to swap the lens. Even if I say 30 seconds it often means the whole production just stops. The crew jumps on their phones, the cast starts chatting and walking of set to grab a snack etc. Then once my team is done swapping the lens, even if it takes us less than a minute by the time the AD gets the crew and the cast back in their places it takes another 2 minutes. In total you just spend 3 minutes to swap the lens. In a low budget shoot where you might be doing 60 setups per day that adds up to 180 minutes or 3 hours spent on just changing out the lenses. Or as I like to call it, 3 hours that could be used to get extra shots. It’s the same if you have too many lights on set and you decided to make a small change in lighting which adds up to hours of lost time.

Extra gear or lenses give you more options but they are great only when you have the time to use them. In low budget productions where time and crew size is limited, you are always better off getting just what you need to get by and not more.

So, all of you who struggle working on bare-bones production, take heart in knowing that you are developing great skills that will be important even when you get to the top of this industry and are given big dollars to make movies.

Next question I will answer is whether you can shoot a whole project on just one lens. The answer is yes. Absolutely. If you need to get a close up just move your camera closer to your subject and if you need to get a wide shot then with any lens you can do that by moving your camera further back. Of course for that to work you need to make sure to find locations that allow you a lot of freedom to move as far back as you need to capture the shots that you want. Also choosing the right lens will make a big difference. So to answer the next question of what lens I should get, I say get what you prefer to shoot with the most. If you are not sure then rent a lens that you are interested in and try to shoot a test scene with just that one lens. I always try out new lenses in such situations like the tests that you can see me shooting using the unique new anamorphic lens for micro four thirds lens mount from Vazen. Once I felt confident that the focal length of this lens will allow me to get the kind of shots I like to do then I actually did a whole job using just that one lens. This music video below is one such example.

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My favorite focal length for any type of lens both anamorphic and spherical is around 50mm on a APS-C size image sensor or something like a Super 35mm camera. Since this Vazen lens is 40mm but it’s anamorphic with a 1.8x squeez ratio it means that in the horizontal field of view it’s actually a 72mm lens. Once you factor in the crop aspect ratio of the Blackmagic Pocket 4K camera, it’s focal length on APS-C size cameras is around 50mm.

➡Vazen 40mm T2 1.8x Anamorphic Lens B&H https://bhpho.to/2XlcPIv Amazon https://amzn.to/2OcId81 eBay https://ebay.to/2v44y1S eBay Canada https://ebay.to/38FVa2s

So like other 50mm lenses I love using, this Vazen lens is a perfect middle lens that can be used for both closeup, medium and wide shots. Since this music video we were shooting in had lots of locations and we only had 2 days to shoot it, having my camera always rigged up and ready to go meant we could spend time on getting the right performances and set dressing and not have to wait around for lens changes. Same with lighting. We only used 2 powerful but small LED lights like the Aperture 300D to fill in some shots or to light this performance we did at dusk. Otherwise we just used reflectors. It was a simple and fast way of filming.

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It was also helpful that we didn’t have to haul around so much gear since some of the locations we were filming in were not the safest and we did not have extra crew to just watch our camera bags. So we spend more time on having fun, being creative instead of worrying about our gear. Speaking of safety, if you are going to be traveling to remote locations like I did and you plan to use the wifi at those shady hotels then don’t just connect right away like I did, which ended up in me getting my email and my bank account hacked. Thank God I now resolved all my issues and I also learned the hard way to always encrypt my connection to the internet. I do that by using a VPN which stands for Virtual Private Network. I’ve tried a few services but now I am using NordVPN because when it comes to streaming videos they were the fastest. Plus its super helpful when I tried to watch netflix in countries where some content was not available. Using NordVPN I can switch my browsing location to any country real fast and get access to all the content i want to watch. Plus like I said, NordVPN is really good at encryption so my information won’t get stolen again. If you guys want to try them out then go to https://nordvpn.org/tomantos or also try out their new service NordLocker which allows you to encrypt, store and transfer files online in a secure way. If you want to try that out for free then go to https://nordlocker.net/tomantos or just click the links in the description. Also don’t forget to use the coupon code tomantos to get big discounts on both NordVPN and NordLocker.

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https://tomantosfilms.com/19584/1-lens-no-lights-minimalist-filmmaking/

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waynekelton · 5 years ago

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Harry Potter: Wizards Unite Locations - Fortresses, Inns & More!

Harry Potter: Wizards Unite is the latest AR mobile game from Niantic, the makers of Pokémon GO. It’s similar to that of its predecessor and allows players to bring the universe of Harry Potter into the real world.

The main gameplay loop involves exploring the world around you, freeing ‘Foundables’ (like catching Pokémon) and interacting with nodes scattered across the map. Unless you’re in a rural area, when you fire up the game for the first time you may see spires and structures looming in the distance. There are three Harry Potter: Wizards Unite locations that you can visit while you’re playing the game, each which will help you collect Foundables.

These locations are Inns, Greenhouses, and Fortresses. Understanding the purpose of the Wizards Unite locations and how you interact with them isn’t made as clear as it could be, so we are here to help!

Harry Potter: Wizards Unite Locations | What does each location do?

Let’s take a look at all of the Harry Potter: Wizards Unite locations and see exactly what each of them do.

Inn

An Inn corresponds to real world location (often a pub, cafe or something similar) and will appear on the map as a house-like structure. As you come across one, you can enter it by simply tapping on the screen. Once inside, you’ll be prompted to trace a Glyph (swipe with your finger) to activate the Inn. Completing this task will reward you with a meal, which will in turn reward you with Spell Energy. The amount of energy you get depends on the meal you eat... we’ve seen as low as 2 or 3, but as high as 10. The meal you get will depend on your real-world location.

If the name doesn’t give it away, you’ll need Spell Energy to cast spells in Wizards Unite. You cast a spell every-time you try to ‘catch’ a Foundable (and like in Pokémon GO, you sometimes need to try several times before it works or disappears). You also cast spells when you interact with Fortresses (see below). Every time you cast a spell, you will lose some Spell Energy, so it is going to be important to be mindful of how much you have left. If you’re just starting off, you can only hold 75 Spell Energy. While this isn’t a lot, it will be enough to allow you to do at least a day’s worth of activity without needing to visit an Inn, which will help you level up!

Different Types of Inns

There are five different types or ‘colors’ of Inns. Each color represents the real-world location that it is likely to be found in. For example, a Green Inn will be found in rural areas and will offer better meals, since they are hard to come by. On the other hand, Pink Inns can be found in both rural and urban areas and offers meals that give out less Spell Energy.

Below is a list of all the different Inn colors, locations, and maximum Spell Energy:

Green Inn - Rural areas; Up to 10 Spell Energy

Purple Inn- City areas; Up to 7 Spell Energy

Blue Inn - Rural and Urban areas; Up to 6 Spell Energy

Brown Inn - Rural and Urban areas; Up to 6 Spell Energy

Pink Inn - Rural and Urban areas; Up to 3 Spell Energy

Different type of Inn meals

As stated above, visiting the different Inn locations will reward visitors with a meal that will replenish their spell energy. After-all, you cannot cast a good spell on an empty stomach. There are a total of ten meals that you can eat at Inns in Wizards Unite, each giving players 1-10 Spell Energy.

Below is a list of all of the meals and their corresponding Spell Energy rewards:

Tomato Soup - 1 Spell Energy

Afternoon Tea - 2 Spell Energy

Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans - 2 Spell Energy

Pumpkin Juice - 2 Spell Energy

Violet Pudding - 3 Spell Energy

Bangers and Mash - 5 Spell Energy

Fish and Chips - 6 Spell Energy

Honeyduke’s Chocholate Bar - 6 Spell Energy

Butterbeer - 7 Spell Energy

Turkey/Chicken Dinner - 10 Spell Energy

If you have played Pokémon GO, it will be best to think of Inns as Pokestops. You aren’t going to need to visit this Harry Potter: Wizards Unite location multiple times a day if you’re just a casual player. So, it’s best just to keep it in the back of your mind and remember to stop by one if you are out and about!

Dark Detectors

Inns have a secondary screen that allows you to place ‘Dark Detectors’ – these are in-game items you can earn (or buy) and act like Lures from Pokémon GO. If you place one in an Inn, you’ll be able to find rarer traces for the next 30 minutes.

The main purpose of Dark Detectors is to help players collect Foundables faster. During the 30-minute period that they are active, you will earn increased XP and have a chance at locating Foundables that you might not normally come across. Dark Detectors can also be stacked with up to three per Inn.

Greenhouse

Greenhouses are small glass buildings, which contain pots that are able to grow various plants, which can eventually be turned into potions. When you come across a Greenhouse, you can go inside and choose from three randomized plant pots to grow your plant. After collecting the ingredients from you plant, you’ll need to leave the Greenhouse for 5 minutes before returning.

Growing a Plant

The main purpose of a Greenhouse is to grow a plant which will give players ingredients that can be used to create Potions. Every once in a while, you’ll come across seeds while playing Wizards Unite. You can add these seeds to your collection and use them to grow a specific plant in a greenhouse. You can see the different seeds that you have collected by going to the Vault and clicking the seed icon on the right side of the screen.

There is a total of 10 plants that you can grow in the Wizards Unite Greenhouses, each which are able to be used in different Potions. Everyone who contributes to growing a plant will be able to reap its crop. However, once a plant has finished growing, players will only have 30 minutes to pick its ingredients.

Below, you’ll find a list of all the plants in Harry Potter: Wizards Unite, along with the materials required and the time it takes to grow them.

Snowdrop - Snowdrop Seed (1), Water (15) - 1 Hour

Wormwood - Wormwood Seed (1), Water (7), 1 Hour

Bitter Root - Bitterroot Seed (1), Water (15) - 7 Hours

Ginger Root - Ginger Seed (1), Water (12) - 7 Hours

Lovage - Lovage Seed (1), Water (9) - 7 Hours

Scurvygrass - Scurvygrass Seed (1), Water (7) - 7 Hours

Sneezewort - Sneezewort Seed (1), Water (1) - 7 Hours

Sopophorous Bean - Sopophorous Bean Seed (1), Water (1) - 7 Hours

Valerian Root - Valerian Seed (1), Water (7) - 7 Hours

Leaping Toadstool - Leaping Toadstool Spore (1), Water (12) - 24 Hours

After you have turned your seeds into plants, you can use the ingredients to create potions that will help you throughout the game. Potions are not unlockable until Level 4, so if you haven’t made it that far yet, you aren’t going to be able to do anything with the Greenhouse plants you collect.

However, once you have reached Level 4, if you click on the suitcase icon on the main screen, you’ll be taken to a menu where you’ll be able to choose from five icons. The Potions icon is located on the bottom left hand side of the screen, simply click on it to view all of the Potions that you have available and their needed ingredients. Additionally, if you go to the Vault and click on the ingredient’s icon, you can see a complete list of all of the ingredients that you have collected.

Pots vs. Rental Pots

Each Greenhouse will have three pots that are available to use for free. If all three pots are currently being used, then you’ll have to either wait it out or use a Rental Pot. These are pots that can be bought with in game currency and will come with all the ingredients that you need as well as reduce grow time.

Below is a list of the different rental pots costs and time availability:

Rental Pot A - 35 coins - 180 minutes

Rental Pot B - 70 coins - 480 minutes

Rental Pot C - 140 coins - 1440 minutes

Both the Rental Pots and the free pots work fine to grow a plant. Using a Rental Pot is not going to reap you a benefit that a regular pot won’t. It’ll simply save you some time and supply you with the necessary seeds needed to grow your desired plant.

Fortress Locations

The final of the three Harry Potter: Wizards Unite locations is known as a Fortress. These are really tall buildings that will allow players to complete a series of challenges in exchange for exclusive rewards. They won’t be hard to recognize, as they are the tallest building on the map.

Once you enter a Fortress, you and up to four others can compete in a series of challenges where you choose the difficulty. As you enter the Fortress, you and your partners will be able to fight a series of opponents, who are guarding some of the rarest and most powerful Foundables around.

Runestones

Before you begin a fight, you’ll have to hand over a Runestone, which will determine the strength of your enemy. So, if you give up a higher level Runestone, you’ll face a higher-level enemy. If you hand over a lower level Runestone, you’ll face an easier enemy.

Runestones can be gathered while you’re collecting Foundables and as you level up the various sections in your registry. Runestones are located in Treasure Trunks, which are earned by returning Foundables. Each Runestone you receive will correlate to an area of expertise, or as the game calls it, a Family.

However, just because you hand over a low level Runestone doesn’t mean you won’t face a difficult enemy here or there. If you are playing solo, it is safe to assume that whatever level Runestone you put in is going to reflect the types of enemies you fight. However, if you’re playing with others, the water becomes a bit muggy since the more players you add, the more difficult the Fortress will be, because they will also be adding Runestones into the mix.

In addition to all of this, as you continue to move through the Fortress, the enemies are going to get stronger and stronger. The different floors are referred to as ‘Chambers’ in the game, and the rule of thumb is that the higher the Chamber, the harder the enemy. If you plan to fight through a lot of Chambers, you’re going to want to bring a couple of players with you.

If you decide that a Fortress is too difficult for you after putting in a Runestone, you can leave the lobby before the 30 second time runs out and your Runestone will be returned to you. However, once that 30 second timer is out, your Runestone is gone for good.

Floor Stats

One thing that is important to note is that while you can be in a Fortress with up to four other players, all battles will take place solo. This means that each player will fight their own battles, even though they are working as a team. While teammates can help the fighter by using spells when they are not in combat, it is ultimately up to each player to defeat their individual opponent. Different Professions are stronger and weaker against different types of enemies, so being smart about who fights which enemy is important (more on this later).

There is a total of 20 Fortress Chambers in Harry Potter: Wizards Unite, each having its own player levels and base ratings. Additionally, each Chamber will have a limited number of times allotted to players, meaning they must pass the Chamber before the time runs out. If you run out of time, then you forfeit the Fortress.

Below is a list of all the Chamber levels, time limits, minimal player level, and base ratings:

Chamber 1 - Time: 300 seconds - Player Level: 1 - Base Rating: 0

Chamber 2 - Time: 300 seconds - Player Level: 1 - Base Rating: 170

Chamber 3 - Time: 300 seconds - Player Level: 2 - Base Rating: 340

Chamber 4 - Time: 360 seconds - Player Level: 2 - Base Rating: 510

Chamber 5 - Time: 360 seconds - Player Level: 3 - Base Rating: 680

Chamber 6 - Time: 360 seconds - Player Level: 3 - Base Rating: 850

Chamber 7 - Time: 420 seconds - Player Level: 4 - Base Rating: 1020

Chamber 8 - Time: 420 seconds - Player Level: 4 - Base Rating: 1190

Chamber 9 - Time: 420 seconds - Player Level: 5 - Base Rating: 1360

Chamber 10 - Time: 480 seconds - Player Level: 5 - Base Rating: 1530

Chamber 11 - Time: 480 seconds - Player Level: 6 - Base Rating: 1700

Chamber 12 - Time: 480 seconds - Player Level: 6 - Base Rating: 1870

Chamber 13 - Time: 540 seconds - Player Level: 7 - Base Rating: 2040

Chamber 14 - Time: 540 seconds - Player Level: 7 - Base Rating: 2210

Chamber 15 - Time: 540 seconds - Player Level: 8 - Base Rating: 2380

Chamber 16 - Time: 600 seconds - Player Level: 8 - Base Rating: 2250

Chamber 17 - Time: 600 seconds - Player Level: 9 - Base Rating: 2720

Chamber 18 - Time: 600 seconds - Player Level: 9 - Base Rating: 2890

Chamber 19 - Time: 600 seconds - Player Level: 10 - Base Rating: 3060

Chamber 20 - Time: 600 seconds - Player Level: 10 - Base Rating: 3230

As you can see, towards the beginning a Fortress won’t be too tough. However, as you go on, you’re going to want to have some help from other players.

Strategic Spells

While you’re fighting, you’ll need to keep your health bar in mind, as running out of health will result in a loss. So, be mindful of how much health you have as you continue through the Chambers. To help out, players will be able to cast different types of spells based on their Profession, which can weaken an enemy or heal a player. If you haven’t unlocked Strategic Spells yet, then you’ll need to continue to increase your expertise in your Profession.

There are three different types of Professions in Harry Potter: Wizards Unite which are going to determine what kind of Strategic Spells you can cast. Below is a list of the different Profession classes and a short description of each.

Auror - Aurors deal extra damage against Dark Forces and take extra damage from Beasts.

Magizoologist - Magizoologists deal extra damage against Beasts and take extra damage from Curiosities.

Professor - Professors deal extra damage against Curiosities and take extra damage from Dark Forces.

If you plan to go far into a Fortress, you’re likely going to want to have a nice variety of Professions on your team. While all of them are important, the Magizoologist Profession will offer a significant advantage during Fortress battles. They are able to heal your teammates during battle as long as they are ‘sitting out’ of the fight.

There are tons of different Strategic Spell casting strategies in Wizards Unite. There isn’t really a right or wrong way to go about it. It will likely come down to personal preference and the resources you have available to you. Just make sure you and your team are thinking things through and you’ll likely be okay!

Enemy Types

There are four main types of enemies that will appear in a Fortress - Dark Forces, Curiosities, Beasts, and Neutral. Each of these enemy types are weak to certain Professions and will deal increased damage to other Professions.

Below is a list of the four main enemy types along with their strengths and weaknesses:

Dark Forces - Deal increased damage to Professors; Take increased damage from Aurors

Curiosities - Deal increased damage to Magizoologists; Take increased damage from Professors

Beasts - Deal increased damage to Aurors; Take increased damage from Magizoologists

Neutral - Deal and take neutral damage to all Professions

You’ll want to pay attention to what type of enemy you’re facing, so that you will know who in your group is the best matchup for each fight. For example, a Professor shouldn’t fight a Dark Force enemy, because they are capable of dealing increased damage to players of that Profession. In the same light, an Auror should fight a Beast when possible, because they can deal increased damage to that enemy type.

Along with the four main enemy types, there are six different ‘levels’ that and enemy could be. For example, the first few Chambers will probably have Common enemies while the final few will likely have Fierce enemies.

Below is a list of all of the different Enemy levels that will appear in a Fortress:

Common - Normal enemy

Formidable - Increased Defense and Proficiency Power

Elite - Increased stats for some or all active enemies

Imposing - Increased Proficiency Power, Deficiency Defense, Defense, and Defense Breach

Dangerous - Strongly increased Proficiency Power, Deficiency Defense, Defense, and Defense Breach

Fierce - Extremely increased Proficiency Power, Deficiency Defense, Defense, and Defense Breach

Hopefully you found this useful and are ready to go out and explore your surroundings. We'll have some more Wizard's Unite content for you over the coming weeks, but let us know if you have any burning questions you'd like answered sooner rather than later!

Harry Potter: Wizards Unite Locations - Fortresses, Inns & More! published first on https://touchgen.tumblr.com/

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amycolston-blog1 · 8 years ago

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SWOT Analysis

S T R E N G T H S

What are your advantages?

My advantage within the film industry is my drive, passion and my determination to thrive in what I do. I love everything about the industry. Putting my vision on screen and creating a form of escapism is something that has really stuck with me since and drives me to succeed in this industry. Having experience in this industry so far has opened my eyes to how competitive it is and the drive I have gives me that passion to not stop until I achieve my goal within the industry. I am also a good team player. I work very well in group work and individual work. I have been praised on set with my communication skills and how I can adjust quickly to a new environment and a new team. I am very friendly, outgoing and I am very interested in learning new things as well as listening to other people.

What do you do well?

I have a very creative eye for detail and I am very good at picturing what I want when I read a script or hear a song; the visuals instantly come to my head. I do well at learning new things. Being at University and studying Film Production has allowed me to learn other areas of the production team that I wouldn’t think of doing. I think this is great though as I now know everything about each department. This is something that put me ahead of someone who is as familiar with other departments. When starting university I knew I wanted to be a Director but after my second year the role of DoP really stood out for me, which I was surprised at. I loved being put on visuals and my passion for photography fitted perfectly with this. I also learnt a lot about lighting in second year which again was something I wasn’t keen on learning but now I know the ins and outs of lighting it has really adapted my perseverance for the role of DoP.

Why did you decide to enter the field you will enter upon graduation?

I have decided to enter the field of directing and cinematography. I am very visual and these two roles that are worked closely together form the use of skills that I have already and development throughout my time at university. After doing my research on these job roles my plan is to join a production team and work my way from a runner to 1st AD. I like the idea of working your way up and having a goal to achieve. So I am looking forward to the drive that will pull me to the top.

What are the motivating factors and influences?

My motivating factors are down to the fact that there aren’t enough female influences through directors and cinematographers in the film industry. The fact of this drives me further to achieving my goal and creating influences to other female directors thriving to their goal in the industry.

Do these factors still represent some of your inherent strengths?

I believe these factors do represent my inherent strengths, as it’s those strengths that encourages and fuels my drive in this industry.

What do you attribute your success?

My drive. I have been shut down loads through my ideas and I have learnt you have to be strong and pick yourself back up and learn to stand up for what you believe in and believe what you want is correct I have learnt that you must stand for what you believe and not to give up. People try to shut you down for their own ideas but you need to stand up for your own and not let you be shut down. I have leant this, especially from my recent project.

What is your greatest asset?

I believe my greatest asset is to be able to work with new people and my social skills. I am able to communicate and create a strong work relationship. I am a quick learner and I believe this gains more opportunities, as people want someone who can adapt to things quickly.

W E A K N E S S

What could be improved?

I need to be confident with my camera lenses. I know my lenses but to be a successful DoP I will need to know my lenses to be quick on set and not let the team down.

What should you avoid?

I believe there is nothing I should particularly avoid, as the only way you can improve your weaknesses is to challenge it and learn. The more experience I can get will help me achieve more.

What are your professional weaknesses?

I believe my professional weakness is the lack of experience I have had on a professional production set as a Runner. I have worked on one set and another in post but I feel as if I need more experience. However I am about to do a floor runners bootcamp in London which is designed for people like me who haven’t worked on a production for a long period of time and this bootcamp develops those skills that are needed on set.

Think about your most unpleasant experiences in school or in your past jobs and consider whether some aspect of your personal or professional life could be a root of cause.

I don’t believe this to be a root of cause for me and in fact I use all of that as a drive to succeed. My passed experiences have made me as stronger person who will stand for what I want and will not let anyone shut me down and not be heard for what I think is right. This has fuelled my determination to thrive in this industry.

O P P O R T U N I T I E S

Where are the promising prospects facing you?

The promising prospect for me is the opportunity to thrive in my industry. Learning and working my way up from being a Runner to 1st AD and then Director is something that I can’t wait for.

What is the “state of the art” in your particular area of expertise?

As DoP it would be working with the Arri Alexa, which is a state of the art camera that has been used on so many well-known films. I have had the privilege to work with the Alexa this year and this is something that I can’t wait to continue with. As director it would be seeing everything going on in post and the new software’s coming out from editing to colour correcting.

What formal training and education can you add to your credentials that might position you appropriately for more opportunities?

I had training to be qualified to use the Arri Alexa. I believe that this can appoint me to more opportuneness epically if I want to become DoP one day to asset a camera operator with lenses. This would benefit myself and the direction I want to go with my career.

How quickly are you likely to advance in your chosen career?

In the chosen career that I want to achieve it is known to work yourself up the ladder. I have spoken to a few people in this industry and they have all said the starting point is a runner and then you work your way to up to an AD and onwards from there.

T H R E A T S

What obstacles do you face?

The obstacles I face are standing out from the crowd and the great competition when demanding for a job. This industry is very popular and as a postgraduate I need to be distinctive. However, I believe with my determination, my connections in the industry and my business plan that now has a great logo to go with that I will stand out from the crowd.

Are the requirements for your desired job field changing?

By what I have read online on my research for my desired job, there doesn’t seem to be anything changing that will affect my job. The only requirements that could possibly change are the camera equipment’s, so I must always listen to new things being introduced.

Does changing technology threaten your prospective position?

I don’t feel changing technology would threaten my position, and in fact I believe that it will only enhance my role and make a better performance out of it.

-A

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waynekelton · 5 years ago

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9 Things Harry Potter Wizards Unite Doesn't Really Tell You (But Definitely Should)

Harry Potter: Wizards Unite shares a lot of parallels with Niantic's other walkabout games - most notably the mega-popular Pokémon GO. You probably wouldn't have thought J.K. Rowling's Wizarding World would rival the natural collectability of Pokémon, but Niantic found a way. These similarities mean it's pretty straight forward for a Pokémon GO player to drop right in with little to no knowledge of the Harry Potter franchise. And for those who haven't played either, we have a handy Beginner's Guide over here.

For some in-depth tips on Locations, you can also go here. Don't forget the Brilliant Event is also now live.

Wizards Unite is a far chattier game than Pokémon GO was at the start - there's an actual story and everything! But in-game tutorials can only go so far. Just because it holds you hand for a good little while, it doesn't tell you absolutely everything you need to know. In this Harry Potter: Wizards Unite tips guide, we'll be detailing some very useful pointers we think all wizards and witches should know from the start.

Points of Interest Hold Specific Foundables

Harry Potter Wizards Unite is mostly centred around filling the Registry. It's where all your Foundables are logged as you return them through Traces. Foundables are catalogued through different types; but reliably finding specific types to help complete the registry can be difficult, as more areas will spawn randomized foundables that may be of no use to you. But there is a way to more reliably spawn the extra type of Foundable you need to build up a specific page of your Registry or increase your Rank.

On your walks, you may occasionally come across large, thin flags shooting up from the map. Tap one of these and you'll see an area around it light up. These are designated areas were Traces specific types will appear - the type dependant on the point of interest it marks. There's no sure-fire way to track these down, but areas like parks, libraries, and government buildings area usually prime candidates. My local sports club is one, but my small library is not. One town over, however, and its larger library is. And even the bus station. It pays to get out there.

Use Those Double EXP Potions

Now this may have just been an oversight on my end, but it took me a good little while to find these in my bag. Harry Potter Wizards Unite places a large emphasis on Potions. But most of the time they're making your spells stronger or replenishing your Stamina in fights. You're always being told to hold onto these for difficult situations, so glossing over these potent bottles of levelling juice (Ok, Baruffio's Brain Elixer) is a real possibility. I only found these when I reach around Level 10, and boy would they have sped that whole process along.

Double EXP potions like these are best used in high-level fights or when you're collecting lots of Foundables. Able to double the EXP gained from the already substantial new Foundable bonus, using these when surrounded by Foundables at an early level will have dramatic results and can catapult a new player to level 10 – where things really start to heat up.

Portmanteaus Are Not Reliable EXP Sources

Back in the early days of Pokémon GO, a great time to use a Lucky Egg (it's version of Baruffio's Brain Elixer) was when multiple 10 KM eggs (portmanteaus) were ready to hatch. This was because they gave a massive amount of EXP that could then be doubled for a quick boost. Unfortunately, Portmanteaus don't work the same way. You can find decent amounts of EXP within the portals, but when you have no idea what you'll actually get, using a valuable EXP potion here is more often than not going to be a wasted effort. Save them for what really matters.

Foundables Can Run Away

Another element taken straight from Pokémon GO is the chance for Foundables to just disappear when you fail to snare them. If you've had a Foundable just fizzle out of existence after an unsuccessful trace, that's RNG showing it's ugly face. You'll usually be met with a notice telling you of what's happened, but sometimes you won't be dealt that pleasantry. Worse yet, the notice only explains how. Never why.

There's no solid evidence just yet, but the conditions perfectly match Pokémon GO. It's safe to say just like Niantic's other big collectathon game that each Foundable has a specific "flee rate" percentage. After each resist of a spell, the game rolls a figurative die to determine whether the confoundable will whisk away your valuable target. Rarer Foundables likely have higher flee chances, making the use of spell strengthening potions ever more valuable.

Open Your Daily Challenges To Make Them Count

This is one that's ruined my day more than once. If you're the kind to get addicted to virtual check-lists, the Daily Assignments tab will be your best friend. The challenges within are the same each day, so it's not unnatural to head out of the house, fire the game up, and go about your business.

But then you get home after completing what it usually asks of you just to notice it hasn't counted a single one. Why? Because you have to actually open the Daily Challenge page each day before it begins to count your progress. It's an unforgivable design choice that Niantic really should work to fix. In fact, it might already be fixed by the time you ready this. Just double check before you waste your own time (and energy).

Registry Ranks Award Profession Scrolls

By the time Wizards Unite introduces Professions to you, you've probably already started to skip the walls of text you've been dealt over the last few hours. If you're then left wondering how to get more scrolls and books to level up your chosen Profession, know that isn't all about fighting your way through different levels of a Fortress. Scrolls and tomes can be acquired by ranking up pages in your registry, so it might be worth using our Area tip up above to farm for levels in your weaker Registry pages to fill in your Profession skill tree faster.

Gestures Speed Up Potions

This is something you'll only really learn by tapping the cauldron on the Potions screen. Gestures can be used to speed up potion crafts by around 15%, gaining you quicker access to your goods and an empty slot to brew again. But figuring them out is up to you.

Or at least it would be if it wasn't for every site under the sun printing them for your convenience. There's a multi-step gesture sequence for every potion in the game. We can't list them all here, but a quick Google search will get you far. Once you've used the unique sequence on 3 of the same potions, it will be saved in your game for quick reference. They won't have you flailing your phone around in public, either. They're all on-screen gestures like swipes and pinches. Though there is the occasional phone shake.

Weather Changes Everything

This is one that might take a little more time to reliably comment on. Just like Pokémon GO, the weather in your area can have dramatic effects on your gameplay patterns. Rain, Sun, Wind, and even the amount of clouds in the sky will alter things like spawns. You'll mostly notice a change in the types of ingredients you find on your travels, but weather can also change the Foundables you might come across. They'll never outright deny certain things from spawning, but they can drastically boost or lower probabilities.

Data Assets To Save Data

Wizards Unite doesn't download fully from your app store of choice - whether it's iOS or Android. Either to speed up access or to save on space, it only downloads the absolute essential elements from the start and will download the rest as and when you need them. That means every time you tap a new Foundable out in the field, you'll be spending your precious data plan downloading the 3D model, animations, and sounds that make it up. Will so many graphical elements in Wizards Unite, that can really begin to chip away at your allowance.

The best way to combat this is to force a complete download while connected to your home WiFi. To do that, just tap into your Suitcase and hit the cog icon in the top left to reach the Settings screen. Scroll all the way to the bottom and you'll see a "Download All Assets" option. Wizards Unite is a big game. Over 3 GB at least. So make sure you can afford to lose that much storage space on your device before you start. And check back regularly. Updates add new content, and if you see a little red circle on that option, there's something new to download.

9 Things Harry Potter Wizards Unite Doesn't Really Tell You (But Definitely Should) published first on https://touchgen.tumblr.com/

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