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ayamari-no-goshi · 4 years ago

Text

Verboten 4 | (T)

ff.net | AO3

Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)

Summary: AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.

Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things

Parings: Danny/Sam

Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances

Chapter 4

Later that night, it was officially announced at dinner that the camper’s death was the result of an unfortunate accident. However, what shocked all the students was the decision to finish out the remaining time at the camp. According to Mr. Lancer, he had contacted the other teachers at the different sites, and that was the mutual decision.

Tucker had surprisingly spoken up and demanded how their teacher managed to get through since the cell phone service issue remained unresolved. After their meeting with the police officer, he had checked with other students, who all said the same thing. Their service was poor, and they hadn’t been able to contact anyone. For the technophile, it was extremely frustrating, and he had put a lot of effort in attempting to solve the problem on his own device. He told Danny and Sam that it almost seemed like there was a weird electrical phenomenon causing the problem.

Lancer stumbled for a moment, but he eventually said the Park Rangers had let him use their landline. He then changed the topic and began explaining what the activities for the next morning would be.

“Alright, now I’m really sure something’s fishy,” Tucker whispered to his friends. “Wanna bet he was never able to contact the other teachers?”

“I’ll pass, because I think you’re right,” Danny told him as he stole a glance at some of the nearby Rangers. They had been closely watching the students since the beginning of dinner. “I don’t think the Rangers agree with that decision.”

“Yeah, and did you notice? They’ve been stone faced during this whole thing.” Sam leaned forward as she continued. “I really think something more serious happened to that poor man.”

Danny nodded. “I don’t have the slightest idea what might have happened. You’d think they come right out and say if it was an animal attack. But, that’s fairly uncommon in our state. I mean, the most dangerous animal here is a black bear, but they aren’t very common.”

“It could have been a mountain lion attack. While they supposedly haven’t been in this state for decades, there are still regular reports of them. That’s something that might be kept quiet. I mean, that was an issue in Pennsylvania with their coyotes and the Game Commission.”

“That would make sense, but you’d think they’d still say something like it was an animal attack and chalk it up to him doing something stupid to upset a bear if that was the case,” Tucker mentioned as he fiddled with his PDA. “I still can’t get a good signal.”

“I guess we need to just remain on guard,” Danny mused as the other students began to stand. His friends agreed with him as stood and went to grab one of the paper schedules which held the next day’s events.

…

After Danny and Tucker headed back to their cabin after then had finished freshening up for the night at the communal showers, they were met with the jocks excitedly swapping information. Dash’s grin was almost cat-like as he caught sight of the pair. “So, I guess you dweebs didn’t hear about what actually happened to that camper.”

“Other than what we were told, no,” Danny told him as he went to grab something out of his bag. “And don’t you have anything better to do than spread nasty rumors about the dead?”

Dash’s grin immediately grew larger as he continued, “It’s not a rumor. One of the band geeks was up for an early piss and saw them bring the body into camp. That guy was in pieces.”

“Wha… what!? What did you say?” Tucker stammered as he dropped his PDA.

“Are you absolutely certain that’s what he saw?” Danny demanded as he stepped in between Tucker and Dash. “The camper could have been really messed up, but if he was covered in blood, dirt, and whatever else he encountered, maybe it looked worse than it really was.”

“As much as it annoys me to admit, Fenton makes a good point,” Dash’s other friend, Lucas, mentioned as he sat on his bed. “Without seeing it for ourselves, we don’t know how bad it was, and the kid was pretty scared when he repeated it. So, let me ask you this Fenton, what do you think happened?”

“I’m surprised you care about whatever I think. But,” Danny paused for a moment, “all I know for certain is that something bad happened, and the police and rangers aren’t happy about it. But, I’m not a cop, and I’m clearly not trained in stuff like this, so my hunches are probably wrong.”

“That’s not much of an answer.”

“Unlike some people, I’m not going to jump to conclusions before I know more.” Satisfied with the stunned looks of the jocks, Danny turned to finish preparing for bed. After a moment, he realized Tucker was staring at him. “What?”

“So, where’s this Danny Fenton been all these years?” his friend whispered at him.

Danny raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve never stood up your… you know… bullies before. What changed?”

“Nothing changed, not really,” Danny replied as he climbed into bed. “It’s just I can’t tolerate people spreading rumors like this. It brings bad luck, or at least I think so, and,” he paused for a moment before lowering his voice, “you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.”

“Did your parents drill that into you or something?”

“Not my parents, but I can’t remember who did.”

……

The next day, the students were kept close to camp. Most of the day was spent learning basic camping skills. Although there were plenty of grumbles from his classmates, Danny found it pretty interesting as his parents wanted to keep him as far away from the woods as possible. He spent most of the morning in a boyish wonder as was instructed on setting up tents, campfires, and basic traps.

Sam spent a good portion of the morning teasing him, but he largely ignored her. Like a lot of boys, he had an interest in camping when he was younger, so this was a chance to experience it, or at least a small portion of it. However, by the time lunch hit, his enthusiasm had been replaced by uneasiness.

In the shadows cast by the trees around the camp, he felt as if someone was watching him. It was possible it was just an animal, but as the hours passed and the feeling continued, he determined that couldn’t be the cause. Most animals didn’t spend that long watching people, unless they were hunting, but most predators wouldn’t dream of getting so close to so many people. Both Sam and Tucker seemed apprehensive as well.

“Hey, did either of you heard those weird bird calls earlier?” Sam asked while they were eating dinner.

“I don’t know how you had time to listen to birds with how much manual labor we did earlier. I’m exhausted,” Tucker whined in between bites of his food.

“We barely did anything too strenuous. You really need to get out more.” The amused smirk on Sam’s face was quickly replaced by a frown. “But, in all seriousness, something sounded wrong. I’m pretty familiar with the birds around here, but I’ve never heard something like that before.”

“Is it possible it was an exotic bird?” Danny questioned. “I mean, it is possible one escaped or someone let one go.”

Sam considered his words for a moment. “While it’s possible, I don’t think that’s the case.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s hard to explain.” She brought her hand to her chin as she tried to put her thoughts to words. “The sound didn’t sound natural. It was almost mechanical.”

“A mechanical bird? Come on, Sam! Even for you, that’s pretty out there. Am I right, dude?” Tucker playfully nudged Danny, only to realize he seemed deep in thought. “Hey, what’s wrong? Earth to Danny.”

“Gah!” The sudden motion of Tucker waving his hand in front of his face startled him. “Sorry about that. It’s just that… I… I think I know what she means”

“Huh?”

“I don’t remember much about what happened when I went missing, but before things go hazy, I definitely remember a strange bird call. After doing some research, my parents said that calls like that are sometimes heard before unusual missing persons cases.”

“Dude! Don’t say stuff like that! I’m already freaked out enough as it is by this whole mess. Ouch! Did you really have to kick me?”

“Keep your voice down,” Sam warned him as she motioned to the side with a head nod. Danny followed the motion and noticed some of the Rangers seemed to be watching them. “I really don’t want them to pay attention to us. They’re watching us, all of us, like we’re prisoners or something. Anyways, Danny do you know anything more about that weird call?”

“My parents said it might be a type of lure, but I have no idea if that’s true or not. But, I think it was to catch my attention than anything else.” Danny shook his head. “Sam, we wouldn’t be doing this. Whatever that call was, it could have just been some weird bird.”

“Don’t you want to know?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. Look, I’ve been uneasy since we first arrived in this forest. I already told Tucker this, but talking about weird stuff like this brings bad luck. Can we put it on hold until we get out of here?”

“But Danny!” Her argument was cut short as he glared at her. She straightened up as her eyes narrowed. “As weird as everything is, I think the bigger mystery is what exactly happened to you when you went missing when you were a kid.”

“Look, I don’t know what happened,” Danny snapped. What was her problem?

“Clearly something did. What’s every going on here might be digging up some of those memories. Maybe you have a memory that could help, but you’re getting so defensive.”

“Of course I am! Would you like it if someone kept trying to make you remember something that’s probably better left forgotten?”

“Alright, alright. Chill already.”

His only response was to huff and turn away. Her stubbornness was something he both admired and occasionally hated. Whether it was petitioning her teachers to get a menu changed, rallying a protest, or badgering her friends for information, she often wouldn’t stop until she got her way. It was a big reason why he didn’t think they’d ever be able to get together.

They had discussed it the previous year, after Tucker outed their mutual attraction. Neither of them thought it would work out. Sam was too headstrong, and Danny was too reserved for it to be a functioning relationship. There was always a spark of hope, but it was situations like this that reminded him that they hadn’t changed. For the sake of their friendship, it wasn’t something they could safely consider.

Maybe when they got a little older, a little more mature, they would be able to act on their feelings, but that would have to wait. For now, he was just going to sit in an annoyed silence as he finished his… what exact was this food supposed to be anyways?

…..

Sam actually apologized to him the next day. However, he was still too irritated to speak to her, but by the time lunch rolled around, he had forgiven her.

The morning had been spent working on more wilderness survival skills, but the Rangers surprised them by announcing that they would be leading them on a hike on the trail that surrounded the camp. It was only supposed to last a couple hours at most, but three armed Rangers would be walking with them.

Annoyed and uneasy murmurs circled through the students as they formed groups of three and four. Those groups were then lined up; one Ranger moved to the front, one went to the back, and the other moved to the center of the line. Before they began to move, the Rangers warned the entire group that, under no circumstance, was anyone to go off on their own.

Although Sam and Tucker wanted to stay away from Lancer and the jocks who were near the front of the line, Danny would not allow them to be in the very back. After everything else that happened, he would not allow himself to be in the back on the line. The warning to stay away from the very back or front still rang in his ears. Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long.

As they began their trek, several of the groups fell to the back of the line. It forced Danny and his friends to have somewhat of a distance between the few band and more nerdy students who were following close to the first Ranger and Mr. Lancer, and the popular kids and jocks who were near the back. The Ranger who was supposed to be in the middle had hung back to help keep an eye on the larger portion of students.

“I don’t like this,” Danny mentioned as Sam had them stop for a moment as she made a quick sketch of a plant off the path. “Is it just me, or is it really quiet?” He had noticed it for a while. Usually a person should be able to hear bugs, birds, leaves rustling, something, but he hadn’t noticed any noise for a while.

“These are older forests, Danny,” Sam explained as she finished her sketch. “Noises often get muffled since plants can absorb sound to some extent.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s not creepy.”

“Actually, Sam, I agree with him,” Tucker mentioned as he looked over his shoulder. “I feel like we’re being watched.”

Sam tucked her sketch book in her bag before pointing to something behind them. “I think you’re right on that, but I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary.”

Danny and Tucker turned to see Dash and his friends, as well as some of the popular girls approach them from down the trail. Apparently, they had been spotted as Dash wore an evil grin as he said something to Kwan as he gestured towards them. A round of laughter followed.

“Great, just our luck. Do you think we’d be able to outrun them?” Danny asked as he warily eyed the approaching group.

“Are you nuts, dude? We can’t even outrun Sam.”

“Thanks for that lovely vote of confidence, Tucker.” ==================

Notes:

The coyotes and the Game Commission was an actual thing that happened. Basically, there weren’t supposed to be any coyotes in Pennsylvania, but there were farmers saying their animals were being attacked by something. One of the farmers, who lived nearby where I grew up, got permission to take a shot at creatures and ended up killing a coyote with a Game Commission tag in its ear. Twenty years later, the Game Commission has finally admitted coyotes are back in Pennsylvania, and that they can be hunted. Coyotes can attack people. While there aren’t many documented attacks, they have happened, and Pennsylvanians aren’t very happy about them popping up in towns and parks.

Mountains Lions, also known as Nittany Lions, Pumas and Cougars, are supposedly extinct in the states east of the Mississippi River (ignore Florida – it’s an exception). However, that’s another thing under debate. There have been many sightings of them throughout the years in the east, especially in the Appalachian (app-ah-lay-shin) Mountains. There is actually a picture of one found in Ohio near its border with Kentucky that was taken in 2014. I know there are recent reports in Pennsylvania and New York as well - this includes family members.

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peppusae · 7 years ago

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(so) far away; myg

pre-note; hello, this is een and this oneshot is going to be the very first one i upload on tumblr !! for all of you that wants a touch of angst in their lives, here you go. ♥

also! i really love cactus boy so i wanted to dedicate this oneshot to @sau-na for writing such an amazing au soBS ♥ please notice my love for you-//slapped

(so) far away; min yoongi x reader

genre; angst, soulmate au.

word count; 5640.

recommended list of songs to listen to while reading; (bts) spring day, (bts)just one day, (bts) first love, (vhope) hug me, (bts) goyeob, (bts) wishing on a star, & (agust d ft. suran) so far away. trust me, these songs will make your reading experience at least 3 times better. :’)

note; the ones in italics and in big quotation marks (blockquoted) are lines of the letter c:

💫

❝add a 'so' before you say 'far away'. it hurts less.❞

(so) far away; myg

❝dear yoongi-oppa,❞

there's a three-page long letter in his clutches, he's leaning against his bedpost while he sips a bit of his slurpee.

fan letters.

yoongi remembers when he received his first fan letter. how he was in tears to see the amount of support he'd been unknowingly receiving, and he was thankful. and now, he feels guilty that there's a huge stack of thousands of letters he'd never gotten the chance to read.

❝i love you. ❞

he's heard of this phrase millions of times. in multiple languages, and one thing was common each time; he can feel that his fans sincerely mean it, and it makes him happy. even if he didn't think it was really necessary to show it; he really did.

❝and i know that i'm one amongst the many hundreds of people who've said this to you. ❞

yoongi feels like the girl who's written this had read his mind, and he takes another sip of his slurpee before glancing back at the paper.

❝the first time i met you was back in 2008,❞

he instantly cringes. high school days. he's wondering who the letter was from, and there's no return address or even a name written on it. eyebrows furrowed, he glances back at the hangul written on the sheet of paper.

❝we sat beside each other during language classes.❞

yoongi's face scrunches even further while he tries to recall something... anything. but he's seen so many faces, who can blame him for forgetting one?

❝we barely said two words to each other. the occasional greetings, the usual 'i forgot to bring my textbook, can we share, please?' was the only way we interacted. but that was okay, because...

we never liked people much anyways.

there was one time when we were queuing up for the cafeteria line. you went to buy a sandwich, because the boy who sat behind you had let you know that they were serving lamb-meat that day.❞

suddenly, yoongi feels hungry. it's almost 9pm, and he and hoseok had made a deal to not eat after then, so he simply takes another sip of his drink in silence.

❝the girl in front of me pushed me away and went ahead. you were behind me, and you spoke up.

she got her way, in the end, but i was glad you stuck up for me.

'just because you're frail doesn't mean she can treat you like that. i know how you feel, because i'm frail too,' you had said with a little chuckle, when i asked you why you did that, a few days later.

god, i love you so much.❞

there's a tightening feeling inside his chest while yoongi coughs, he can feel the fizz of his drink rush to his nose, and he has to put away the letter for a second while he takes a tissue from the bedside table. seokjin, who's laying on the bed beside his own, looks up from his phone and glances at him with a hint of worry in his eyes.

"i'm fine, quit staring." yoongi says, and seokjin smiles. he's always brutal with words, it's starting to become funny now.

yoongi takes a few minutes to compose himself because he's slowly starting to remember exactly who it was, that sent him the letter. and his chest was hurting because if there was one person he wishes, didn't love him, it was the one who wrote the letter.

❝i'm not sure if you knew this, but i'm not korean.

i wish i was. i really did. but i wasn't, and i didn't start studying hangul until before my first year at high school.

i knew a little bit of the basics, but never enough to socially interact much. maybe that was why i didn't have many friends. and you were the opposite, you knew, you knew it well, and you chose to stay away from people. ❞

she knew him well, yoongi never doubted that anyways, and now he's smiling a little.anyways, and now he's smiling a little.

❝sometimes, when i walk to the cafeteria during lunch, i'd walk around...

and i'd find you sitting alone in the disbanded music club room, you'd be deeply focused and writing on that thick notebook you carried in your bag wherever you went. was that why you kept your textbooks at home?

and then... you'd rap. you'd sing. you'd tap the wooden tables, try and fail at beatboxing, and you never, ever took off your headphones.❞

there's a lot of memories rushing to yoongi's head, and he feels a little nostalgic, unsure if he should be happy that he'd passed all that and was now living the life he wanted... or sad because he wasn't ready to read what else was written.

❝look at you now. all grown up and making your parents proud. making your friends proud. making daegu proud to have been the birthplace of someone so beautiful and so lovely, like you.

and most importantly,

making yourself proud.❞

it wasn't fair. yoongi knew she was good with words, from the classes he shared with her, but... she wasn't supposed to make him this emotional.

❝remember when there was a cultural festival in year two?

i was in charge of writing the greeting on the banner.

i started studying hangul to be able to read and understand the scribbles and rough writings you'd make on the music club chalkboard... so i wasn't the best person for the task.

and i screwed up. you were my partner in language class, and that's why you were the one who saw it first.

'you fucked up, big time.' you had said, laughing. i'm pretty sure you didn't know that i'm not actually korean, so i didn't blame you.❞

suddenly, yoongi wants to die.

❝you said that, but you brought a spare banner you'd found from hanging around in the music club room. i thanked you for saving my sorry ass, and all you did was nod.

it made me realize that even though you act like you don't care, you sincerely do.

maybe act isn't the word. maybe that's just how you are, and you really don't need to change yourself, because it's perfectly fine.

now that i think back, you've done a lot of little things like that which you may or may not remember, but means everything to me.❞

'geez, this girl', yoongi thinks, shaking his head. there's still two more pages to go, now-familiar handwriting written on both sides. if this was his state at the very first page, staying here would not be a good thing for seokjin to see.

❝do you know of the soulmate theory?❞

"hyung, i'm going out for a walk."

"okay, be safe. remember to take the- oh." okay, be safe. remember to take the- oh." seokjin pauses when he sees yoongi picking up his face mask and beanie before taking quick steps out. "stay safe."

❝you know where i'm getting at, right?❞

damn right he did.

❝you and your soulmate share a mark on the wrist which may appear at the randomest of times...

and if your soulmate does not love you back over a certain period of time...❞

"you suffer from a fatal illness," yoongi completes, slipping down onto the first bench he sees. he doesn't need to read the next line to know it, he knew it well enough.

❝and i just... shit, i love you so much.❞

panic floods to his head, and he feels his hands trembling a little as he tries to read the rest of the letter under the dimly lit city lights.

❝i miss daegu.

it's where we've both been living for the early days of our youth... and now we're both here in seoul. you'll stay here for a while, but i'll be leaving this city a few days after i send you this.❞

there's no date on the letter either, and at this point, more than sad, yoongi feels angry.

❝doesn't it make you pissed that only you can see your soulmate mark?

that you have no idea who your soulmate is, and when the mark would appear, you don't know how long you have before your time limit gets reached?❞

"of course it does, are you insane?" yoongi mutters to himself. "it's obvious."

❝i think the average time limit is for six months. most of my friends had half a year or so, and so did i. ❞

"did?" yoongi breathes out, his attention going to a mustang that passes by, honking continuously even though there was no traffic at all. he wishes he had the power to go punch whoever it was, but he's too lazy to bother.

❝remember valentine's day, when you received chocolates from literally everyone? they were all giving you chocolates because they liked you too, but you rejected them because you didn't want to 'waste money' on someone you were not interested in, later on white day.

you made them feel forced to say they were obligatory chocolates, and i remember the smug smile on your face.

you're a little jerk, you know that, don't you?❞

yoongi relaxes a little, a small smirk forming on his face as he flips the page. he knew that well, too.

❝i gave you some as well. remember, red velvet cupcakes?

i told you they were obligatory chocolates, before you could even open your mouth.

... and then, you chomped the entire thing in one go.❞

yoongi sighs, a hand adjusting his beanie a little, neck craning back as he looks up at the sky. there's not a single star in the sky, and for once, he feels a little lonely, just like how the sky would probably be feeling right about then.

he then makes a face, because that was a horrible analogy. this is why he should focus on music, instead.

❝they weren't obligatory. but i didn't want you to feel forced to give me a present.

and the above line is a lie too.

the truth is that i didn't want to hear you reject what i made for you.

...shit, i love you so much.❞

yoongi feels his heart clenching each time he saw that written so neatly and yet, the more it gets repeated, the more uncomfortable he felt.

he sincerely wishes that she didn't.

for her sake, and for his own.

why didn't she write that that line was a lie, as well?

❝we were 17 when we graduated high school. you were ready to begin training; you'd been struggling with your family for days regarding that... and they finally let in, they finally allowed you to, and you...

you looked the happiest on graduation, while i was the saddest that day.❞

a small pout forms on his face at that, he clearly remembered how excited he was to be allowed to join. he remembers how he had struggled with the travelling, food expenses, and excessive work... he'd had to have two part-time jobs to make ends meet, barely being able to pass by.

it was...

❝painful.

it was painful, to see you suffer.❞

his hands are trembling again, and he wishes he'd brought a coat along with him, because suddenly, it begins to feel very cold again.

❝while attending college, i worked part time at your favorite noodle restaurant.

everyday, after finishing your training, i'd see you enter.

you always ordered the same two flavors❞

yoongi decides to blame how cold he feels, on the drink he'd had earlier. taking deep breaths, he continues.

❝one was twice the price of the other.

and the day you bought the cheaper one, you'd take the train back home.

and on the other days, you'd walk the entire way back.

i later found out that it was because you were struggling with expenses...

and look at you now.❞

"i never thought i'd make it, either." he breathes out, his eyes wavering a little as he flips to the next page. he notices the handwriting getting sloppier, realizing that she probably wrote the entire thing in one go.

❝i used to bring you the bowls of noodles every day.

you always had your face buried in your phone, where you switched to write your lyrics.

maybe that book you carried around before was becoming too hard to take everywhere?

i didn't know how i could say hello to you...

or how i would deal if you didn't remember me anymore.❞

yoongi remembers. he earnestly remembers, he even remembers when-

❝remember how i went to the fanmeet near the end of last year?

that was the fanmeet when you excused yourself for five minutes, in between.❞

there was only one fanmeet where he left just like that, in the past four years, so he remembers extremely well what happened.

which was why he isn't sure if he wants to read the rest. he could almost exactly picture where she was going at, yoongi doesn't feel ready to read the rest.

❝shit. i love you so much.❞

folding the letter three times, he stands up, heading back to the building. seokjin has fallen asleep by then, and yoongi puts the letter in his desk cabinet and closes it quietly. his head is full of multiple thoughts while he lays on his bed.

... and he's tossing and turning around but he can't get himself to fall asleep. after forty minutes of his unsuccessful attempt, he groans, getting off and throwing his quilt to one side. a small part of him is dying to know what else she had to say, but at the same time...

"fuck." he's cursing when he takes the letter back out, this time opening the balcony door quietly to make sure he doesn't wake seokjin up. the wind is blowing softly against his skin, and yoongi closes his eyes while he sighs, leaning against the wall of the balcony before he sits down and closes the sliding door.

❝it was so, so funny. sad, but funny.

i finally got to meet you as a fan, and look how fate ruined everything.

i could have just passed by like every other fan, but i had to make a huge fuss.❞

"you didn't make a fuss, shut the fuck up." he hisses, and he feels a little out of place, to curse while sitting all by himself.

❝you know what happened, right?❞

he did.

❝well, at least for me. i wanted to cry. because it was the worst time for my soulmate mark to appear.

while being seated right in front of you, while i had requested to for you to hold my hand.❞

yoongi wants to cry.

❝and just as fast as you reached your hand out and obliged to make a fellow army happy,

you took your hand away.

did your wrist feel like it was burning?❞

"so much, i even had tears in my eyes." he exhales, lips pursed a little as he tries to envision the scene in his head once again, the familiar face appearing into his head and making him feel hollow inside.

❝i wanted to cry.

not just because it was so painful...

but because if there was one person in the world i wish wasn't my soulmate, it was you.❞

"i wish that too..."

❝but you were, and i remember your widened eyes before i ran outside.

i even forgot to give you the present i saved up to get for you.

you're so stupid. how do you love slam dunk as much as you do and never remember to get a figurine for yourself?❞

yoongi doesn't just want to cry, now. he wanted to punch something, to break something as hard as the way he feels his heart breaking.

"so you were the one who sent me that figurine? well, good for you, because it sits proudly on my bedside table." he says, wiping his eyes with his sleeve a little.

❝thank you.

thank you for your amazing mixtape.

i can't really say i relate to how you felt, because i didn't suffer from the serious kinds of depressions and social anxiety as you did.

but do you know how horrible it feels to always be sad?

and you're aware that it's not depression, so there's nothing you can even blame it on...

besides yourself?❞

yoongi's head reels, his mind arranging words mentally because he was sure it would sound amazing in a rap. he feels horrible for thinking that.

❝you can't understand. because you didn't feel that.

and it's fine.❞

"it's not fine, shut up."

❝ahaha. my soulmate is a celebrity. there's a limit to how twisted fate can be...

shit.

i love you.❞

yoongi hasn't felt this emotional in a long while, and he puts the letter aside again, lying back on the concrete and covering his face with a hand. there's the sound of a firetruck passing by, and he slowly breathes out before he takes the last sheet out again.

❝we never really talked, anyways.❞

"and that's why i could tolerate you, unlike most others. you really need to give more credit to yourself." yoongi swears that when he'd find out where she was at and make a visit to her personally, the next chance where he gets to go back to daegu.

he's making plans as he slowly drifts off to sleep, sheet of paper still over his face. the next morning, seokjin is amused and takes pictures of him before waking yoongi up. he feels groggy, a little crabby even, heading straight for breakfast after tossing the letter back into his drawer and locking it.

after breakfast, yoongi makes a request to his producer to plan an emergency visit back to daegu. not going into details, he adds that he'd like to meet his parents as well, and bang pd-nim lets him know that he'd see what he can do.

and that's why yoongi holds onto everything he got to make sure he does not read the rest of the letter before he makes his visit.

it's three weeks later before he finally gets a weekend off.

usually, he'd just be lying on bed doing nothing, or writing some lyrics, so he has an irritated expression on his face when he climbs into the car along with the maknae line.

initially, it was only supposed to be the daegu-line; just him and taehyung, going back home, but the two 'busan-born idiots', as yoongi has decided to name them, had brainwashed the younger daegu boy into getting them to join as well.

yoongi is already tired by the time the car begins to start.

❝sometimes when i see lamb meat in stores, i'd impulsively go and buy them.

i'd ask my mum to make it for me, because i'm not good at cooking.❞

"i bet i can make a better dish than your mom can."

"hyung? did you say something?" jungkook, who's driving the car, has to say and yoongi shakes his head. jimin and taehyung have their eyes glued to their phones, and jungkook gives a little nod before he turns on his bluetooth speaker.

yoongi plugs his own earphones and starts to play some music.

❝but i'm not allowed to eat meat anymore.❞

he freezes. maybe reading this on the ride was not a good idea.

instead, he puts the letter back into his backpack, taking his phone out.

what he was about to do would be illegal, he was aware, but he feels like he has to do it. 'otherwise, i'd go insane', that's what he had decided for himself.

and just as he guessed, it's jimin who finds out and begins scolding him.

when jungkook and taehyung step out to buy snacks, jimin pokes yoongi's shoulder with a glare.

"hyung! why would you do that?!" he cries, finding out that yoongi had bribed a fanmeet manager.

"i'm going to meet a friend i haven't seen in a long time," he innocently shrugs. "so i have to find out her army membership details to get her address and contact number."

jimin looks ready to slap something, his head shaking in fast motions.

"that's illegal! there would have been other ways-"

"there isn't, trust me, i tried."

"then don't do it! if it's illegal, it's always wrong!" jimin loses it, punching the back of yoongi's seat in frustration. jungkook and taehyung step inside right then, and jimin's lips stay as a thin line for a while, before the maknae begins to crack stupid jokes.

❝oh, god. i love you.❞

two hours later, the boys arrive in daegu, an excited taehyung taking his two friends to visit his parents. the young trio agree to meet yoongi on sunday evening to head back, and yoongi takes a cab to the address he had received.

two hours later.

two hours later was when yoongi finds out a lot of things.

two hours later, he's standing in front of a classic two-storey house, there's potted plants around the porch and yoongi hesitates a little when he presses the bell. he's about to press it for the third time when a woman who looks like she's in her mid-fourties, opens the door.

"um, hello." yoongi gives a small bow, "i'm here to see if it's fine for me to meet my friend." he explains. locks of the woman's graying hair sway a little when she flinches as soon as he mentions her name.

"you want to meet her?"

"yes."

the woman nods, opening the door a little and yoongi obliges, taking off his shoes before he steps inside. she leads him into the living room where he is offered a seat, and she excuses herself for a minute and steps into a room at one corner.

yoongi is expecting to see the girl when the door opens with a loud creak again, but it's the same woman, a thick book in her hand while she takes a seat in front of him.

"let me give you her address." she says, tearing a sheet of paper and scribbling something on it. yoongi gives a nod, trying not to show the disappointment on his face for having to travel yet again. 'it'll be worth it,' he tells himself, and he thanks the woman, who bows a little, to him before seeing him off.

❝college is as hectic as ever. can you actually believe that i'm studying language?

and i still struggle with hangul.❞

"no wonder you always submitted your worksheets late. i always thought you were just plain stupid." yoongi has a little smirk on his face as he hands the paper to the driver and requests to be taken there.

it's not even three minutes before the cab stops, and yoongi raises an eyebrow in surprise. "what? we're here already?"

"yes, sir." the driver responds, taking the cab fare he hands. yoongi thanks him, picking his carry-on and opening the door.

"i think they close in an hour, just a reminder." the driver hands the paper back to him, and there's a perplexed expression on yoongi's face when he scrunches his nose a little. shrugging, he hops off, putting his face mask back on before he looks up.

and he's horrified.

he's horrified, because the first thing that catches his eye is the word 'cemetery'.

"what the fuck." his eyes fly to the note in his hand, and there's beads of sweat on his forehead when he sees block and row numbers, and instructions.

he lowers his bag, his chest throbbing while he tried to look from the note, to the sign on the front. and no matter how many times he looked, it remains the same and he wants to die.

bag still left unguarded, he breaks into a run, back to the address he's received from the fanmeet manager. he's breathless when the woman from earlier opens the door, and he makes no attempt to hide how he's feeling.

"that's a very horrible way of breaking the news to me." he's blunt, he's a little angry even, and the woman looks down at her feet, and there's a sad smile on her face as she speaks.

"the way she died was horrible too."

yoongi's lips are trembling again.

"and the worst part is that i can't even blame you. it's not your fault, it's not her fault, there's nothing i can blame this on... doing this was the only thing i could do and get away with it." the girl's mother now has tears streaming down from her eyes, and yoongi wants to blame her for his blurring vision.

he wants something to blame, anything... but she was right, there wasn't.

"which disease?" he's afraid of the answer, but he realizes that he needs to know, otherwise he'd go insane.

there's a pause, and the woman sighs, her eyes going doiwn to the floor as she simply says one word; one word that ruined everything for her, and yoongi both.

"hypoglycemia."

he's taking a few minutes to think through, and the woman looks at him, the way his lips are trembling.

"are you going to go back to visit her again?" she asks, and yoongi struggles to compose himself while he wipes his face with the back of his palm. he nods, bowing a little before he turns and walks back out. he feels hollow as he gets back on the road, it's actually quite close by to the address, and for once...

jimin was right.

if something is illegal, then it's wrong. and there's a part of yoongi who wishes he didn't bribe the manager, because jimin was exactly right about how illegal things are illegal for a reason.

never. he would never do anything illegal, he swears.

yoongi feels a little tensed as he steps inside, walking aimlessly till he reaches the information counter. he feels his heart burning as he mumbles her name to the security officer. the man, who doesn't look phased by the tears streaming down yoongi's face, leads him inside, and there's a lot of walking before they stop in front of a tombstone.

and there's a lot of those tombs, exactly like the one in front of him, but yoongi swears that her one was the prettiest. maybe that was because it has her name on it, but he really wishes there wasn't.

but it was, hangul characters engraved deep into the stone and yoongi realises that the way it's carved is no match for the way his heart was feeling at that moment. the guard leaves with a reminder than the place will be off limits in thirty-five minutes, and yoongi isn't paying much attention while he puts his carry-on on the soil and sitting down on it.

"i should have gotten some flowers."

❝i wish i got more time.❞

"i wish you did, too."

❝but then, i realize that i've known you for all these years... and nothing changed.

so me having more time would probably have been a waste.❞

yoongi's sneakers sink a little into the soil as he pauses for a second, making circles while he bites his bottom lip. there's no one around, and that's all the more reason why he wants to cry.

❝my favorite track from agust d's 1st mixtape is the very last one.❞

the 24-year-old sighs, mumbling the lyrics of the song under his breath. his gaze goes back to the stone and the soil in front of it. his voice is cracking, but he's singing and he knows he'd look like a fool.

❝everything is changing, but why am i still here?❞

"because you're important, you idiot."

❝and you didn't even lie.

you really are there for me.❞

"what the fuck, i wasn't..."

❝you asked me, and every single one listening to it, to dream...

that you'd be there for us.❞

his eyes are starting to hurt now as he breathes out and stops singing. "i wasn't there for you."

❝you were far away from me, maybe that's why you weren't physically able to do anything.

you have other things to do, so it's fine.❞

"you," yoongi hisses, "have something wrong with your head."

❝shit.

i love you, so much.❞

"i wish you didn't... i wish i loved you before it was too late."

❝thank you.

for being a moral support for me.

for giving me something i can obsess over, like a crazed college-girl; you.

i got away with telling people i love you, because in their eyes, you're suga. the 'agust d'. so loving you was normal.

but in my eyes, you're the poor boy from daegu who would take two steps to the side when a girl starts to pass by you.❞

a little smile forms on his face, he didn't think anyone noticed how awkward he'd been back then. "why are you like this?"

❝the boy who would wait until the basketball club students finishes their practice, so that he coul sneak into the gym and play by himself.

the boy who would leave half of his vegetables untouched but eat all the meat.

the boy who tried with all he had, worked his ass off, and still manage to stay as humble as you are while you've managed to get everything you wanted.

god.

i wanted to tell you that i love you, during the fanmeet.❞

"why didn't you?"

❝i had to leave in between...

and even if i did, you'd have said 'i love you too',

just like you do to every fan you meet.❞

for once, yoongi doesn't have anything to say, and he simply sits, the clear sky looks beautiful with puffy white clouds scattered all over the canvas... and yet, he's sure that his eyes would be puffier then, and it's hurting not just his eyes, but his heart, so much that it's unbearable.

❝i couldn't look you in the eyes after finding out that you're my soulmate.

because for all those years...

all that time i spent secretly being in love you felt like a waste.❞

"i'm so sorry..."

❝but it's not a waste, it's just... life, i guess? some people just get all the luck.

but i would never regret falling in love with you.

it's the only thing i did which i will never regret.❞

"you're so difficult, jeez." he mumbles, biting his lip a little as he flips the page to the other side. the final side, and he'd rather die than read what was written.

❝god...

i hate myself.

i'm such a hypocrite. i say i don't regret it, but i wish i didn't fall in love with you.

especially after you became an idol.

i really, really wished i didn't, after that.

and i totally blew it in the fanmeet, too.

that was the last time i was allowed to go out alone.❞

yoongi's head reels back to the day, when he had met her for the last time, where she had her hair neatly combed, paired with a bright smile as soon as they locked eyes.

and she had asked to hold his hand, and yoongi had done as requested...

❝we never really talked much anyways.❞

and they didn't. yoongi had found it weird that the girl wasn't doing any talking, because she simply sat, staring up at him with a smile on her face. and he had smiled back, squeezing her hand a little until he felt his wrist burning.

but his wrist was not burning; his soulmate mark was etching.

❝our soulmate mark appeared at the same time, just how cruel can life be?❞

and yoongi had let go of her hand with a little grunt, and the girl lost her balance, falling to the ground as her gaze went to her wrist.

❝when we both looked at our own wrists... and then saw each others, we were sure that we soulmates.

but both you and i...

we didn't want this to happen.❞

and now, yoongi has his face scrunched up as he cried, a fist clenching and hitting the soil as he tries to let out how frustrated he feels.

❝but for one thing, i'm glad i do love you...

what if your soulmate was someone, who didn't love you back?❞

"why are you bothering about my health at a time like this, i swear to god." he breathes heavily, noticing a small bug on the soil. he feels defensive as he flicks the bug away before he wipes his face with the sleeve of shirt.

❝... god, i love you, min yoongi.❞

there's a person who's voice announces that there's five more minutes before closing time. yoongi really, really hates outdoors, but he promises to himself that he'll visit this place every single time he got to daegu.

❝add a 'so' before you say 'far away'.

it hurts less.❞

"it still hurts me, how do you expect me to go through with this?"

❝because then, you can blame it on the distance.

back in high school, i was right beside you.

but it always felt like i was really far away from you.❞

yoongi stands up, taking a fresh piece of paper from his carry-on. fishing around for a while gets him a pen, and he balances the paper on his thigh while he starts writing hangul characters.

❝shit, i love you so much. ❞

yoongi has a satisfied expression as he nods at the piece of paper multiple times. getting up on his feet and brushing off his pants a little, he bends down and places the paper right beside the tombstone.

❝ and despite everything, i have no regrets. ❞

"next time, i'll bring you some flowers. a lot of them. i promise you that." he says, taking a bit of soil and putting it over his note, making sure it doesn't fly away.

❝ and i'll be your number one fan forever, your biggest fan even from before you became famous.

a fan who's always...

(so) far away.❞

"and i'll love you forever, even though you're (so) far away."

the end.

💫

"삶의 끝에 함께 하리"

"let's be together at the end of life."

- hmu on twt; @peppusae ;”)

#min yoongi #yoongi #suga #agust d #suga angst #bts #bts angst #oneshot #bangtan #bangtan sonyeondan #min yoongi angst #yoongi angst #angst #kpop angst #soulmate au

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thegirlandtheknight · 5 years ago

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[started at // 04:03 am] UK

Okay tumblr its time for me to rant....

Sorry if i get side tracked, just put up with me and this is rant based on the people i have met and my personal opinion you are in no obligations to agree just read it at least before you come up with a verdict 🤗

Also just to put this out there punctuation/ grammar and spelling may not be on point but cut me some slack its late..or early..depends anywaysss :))

Why am i not allowed to vote?.....Okay so here in the UK we have our GCSEs which determine a huge factor of our lives and we make this life changing choice at 16. But get this we arent even allowed to vote at 16 in england (which is where i am) , so yes im telling you that The government is saying at 16 'yes,you are able to chose how you want to spend your life and what you want to do' BUT 'no, you are not old enough to chose how you want the country that you spend that life in to be like', sorry but let me just do a double take, surely i should be able to vote about the country i live in before im able to chose a path that i may take for the rest of my life??? Or is it just me.

They are telling me that The government which is full of mostly older generations are still telling the young people how we want our world to be , like no boomer you are gonna kick the bucket sooner or later dont leave us with a messed up world, please fix it so our generation can fix it more for future generations rather than leaving it messed up so we have to fix YOUR mess and then those generations have to fix what we didnt get to , because at this rate we will never improve fully..now will we.

I am not gonna stand here and act like i know what they go through because yes, deciding for a country must be hard, heck i cant even decide for myself half the time but i just think if the people in power decided to focus on something important and life changing by 2 decades alot more could be solved and achieved. Like come on UK!! stop crying about childrens sugar inakes and start handling the hate crimes. I believe If racism was stressed at the begining about how its wrong and we should grow up, things would be better. Okay yes, we would still have racism being a thing i am in no means saying we would all be normal all cherries and cream no course not! but surely it would be less of a problem if it was talked about more. Racisim isnt a naughty word okay LETS TALK ABOUT IT.

For example, No baby is born racist, sexist or anything really, babies are literally blank pieces of paper, that some grown ups just decide to scribble on and hope for the best. You can tell a child what it did was wrong and explain the seriousness then it doesnt do the same mistake, if you tell the child thats its wrong but dont go into depth it doesnt know the seriousness and will do if again for sure. Honestly in this day and age there is alot of things that if they were battled as soon as they started it would have saved alot more time and less heartshifts than giving up and deciding to treat it like an essay and try again later when you can be bothered.

One of those things is RACISIM which still happens madly enough. You maybe thinking 'yeah yeah we have heard this before' but hear me out.

So many people are still using race as a reason for why they do or dont have things, people using race as a reason to hate others like i think tf not sir, sure you can argue that yes, its against the law under the Crime and Disorder Act of 1998 (in the uk) but how can you say its sorted..like the amount of hate crimes that gets reported in England and wales has doubled in the last FIVE YEARS for those who may want specific statistics its gone from 42,255 to 103,379 imagine the ones that go unreported. If you dont believe me or think i am exagerating because yes those ARE big numbers, research it, better yet ( heres the link to where i found the information : https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/839172/hate-crime-1819-hosb2419.pdf)

And you may say 'oh here she goes again' but just the other month an Arabian woman on my street literally got her hijab ripped off her head and when she reported it to the police they pretty much said 'no proof, no case' that is disgusting! and just so you cant say i am biased 1) i only know this woman through her being a neighbour and have no other attachments to her. 2) i am a black christian so you cant say it is religion or race. So your telling me, that needs proof or there is no case..but God forbid you make a person of non-ethnic minority feel bad. It really feels that for white people it is the case of 'all are innocent until proven guilty' but those of ethnic minorities its 'all are guilty until proven innocent'. Im sorry but you cant even say its changed with COVID-19 happening the racisim towards asians specifically those from east asia has just gotten worse, how can you tell a person that was BORN IN THE UK that they dont belong here, like if they dont belong in the place they were born where tf do you suppose they belong, y'all seems to be good and making problems but when its time to find a solution you run away with your tails between your legs..how can you really stand there craning your neck and looking so down on people like really how does your neck not hurt. If i hear another person anywhere tell an asian that they caused the corona virus even though they were born here..oh lord give me the strength. Call it extreme but you judging them all because of what a few people of their race have/ are doing is like me hating all of another race of people because a selective few are racist, hypocritical, sexist and homophobic jerks.

Not only that its kinda sad that a few small minded british people, assume that only white people are british just because they are majority and okay ill give you that i guess.. but why is it then when i say south africa alot of people tell me about white people born there and not the black people even though "According to the 2011 Census, 79.2% of South Africans (41 million) were ‘Black Africans’, 8.9% were Coloured (4.62 million) and only 8.9% were white (4.59 million)"....but i dont hear nobody telling them to go back to their country..i mean im just saying.

How can people stand and say there are laws about this when the law is upheld and inforced by a majority of white, middle-classed men who wouldnt know racisim if it hit them in the face.

I really dont wanna get into the problems black people have to face because thats for a whole other document.

I am not just a hurt 16 year old black girl who just has alot to say, believe it or not i have never been shunned for my race. The majority of people around me are very accepting, good people. I have never felt like im lower because of my race some may say im ignorant and ignore it others may count me lucky but all i know is this is that this is what i believe should be heard i really hope alot of people read this because it needs to be heard alsoooo thank you to all who stayed through and read this. ♥️🌹

[finished at// 05:33 am]

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sojohns · 6 years ago

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aaah i guess the tumblr policy about sending links in asks haven't changed then but it would be nice to get heads up about that. anyways you can find the vid on astro's yt channel on the ddoca playlist. it was uploaded 4 months ago and the thumbnail is eunwoo in a car. okaay so i was saying that i checked the bias report thingy now and wow it's even accurate to my sister's case! and i asked if you've seen the immortal song 2 perf bc damn rocky sang and i love his singing voice so much //asa

:)))

each boy was soooo good on that stage, this style also fits them well. and the couple dancing surprised me but wow! sadly there is indeed a lack of astro fics but i hope that it will change soon since a lot of new aroha joined lately, so maybe we can change it. at least i definitely have some plans for them *-* oooh i really like roleplay! i’d definitely wanna watch an mv like that. my choice would be again. i can see it made like apology by ikon but not b&w, just saturated (2/5)

okay so the aesthetics tht came to my mind were the following. myungjun: walking in a field barefeet, smiling so hard and so long it hurts, the smell of freshly baked goods // jinjin: throwing crumpled papers to the wall, late night talks about the big questions of the universe, the feeling of having your hair ruffled lovingly // eunwoo: hands bashfully touching for the first time, a melancholic piano tune, the smell of new books (3/5)

moonbin: the surprise of being kissed under the mistletoe, walking lazily in the sand by the sea, the adrenaline of running to catch the bus // rocky: the sun rising over the city landscape, having hot chocolate on a snowy day, back hugs // sanha: colourful markers in textbooks, the first sip of fruity smoothies, the feeling of satisfaction after a well-made prank (4/5)

what kind of aesthetics would you describe yourself as? i once took a quiz about my aes and the result was bts’ spring day mv but mine would probably be something like dark blue denim jeans, reading on train rides, doodles between notes, the taste of black tea with two spoons of sugar, the feeling of accomplishment when ticking off boxes in to-do lists, the nostalgia of looking at photos on the wall. // asa

oof yeah ill watch the video, the linking issue tho: thats always been like that, i dont think that they will ever fix that lmao

that report is so well done omg and yes i did watch the performance and it was the best thing!!! they all looked and sounded great and i love that everyone was really grooving with thier performance

i hope there will be more fics too!!! more fans means more content!!

interesting mv idea, i would love to see that!!!

i love all the aesthetics you chose for them!!! im really feeling jinjin, myungjun and rockys aesthetic the most!!!

oof ur aesthetics sounds so nice, i think my aesthetics are bergamont, mapss pinned with places to visit, nude colors, dim lighting, cats purring and muraled wallpaper

#tommorow we get to finally meet each other for realz!!!!#aroha secret admirer

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jmkitsune · 8 years ago

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LONG POST IS LONG

hey

I’m JM

you to one degree or another know that as well as being an over all in general nerd, I also stream video games on twitch. either you know this because you’ve seen me post about it at one point or another, talked to me and it’s come up or happened to have stopped by at one point or another and watched a stream maybe.

See I know that to a LOT of people understanding what I do is easy but also hard.

There is the “you play video games live. like youtube.”

that’s the simple as fuck way to look at it

here is the detailed version.

-- I learn how to edit footage I record while streaming to upload to youtube. I do a basic type of editing where it’s not cut/shaved, I simply edit a days stream into episodes for daily uploads, these edits take me a few hours every time I do one streams worth of editing. so we’re looking at say a 5 hour stream takes me bout 3-6 hours of editing (waiting for videos to save is the majority of that time spent)

-- I have to learn how to trouble shoot game problems, software problems (OBS can be problematic and OBS is the program used to broadcast to twitch as well as record) I learn how to use external stuff like twitch alerts so that if someone follows, donates, hosts they can be recognized instantly for it. (usually meaning I’ve got to learn different software for that- it’s not DIFFICULT but it’s still a lot to learn, memorize, keep track of and adapt to as stuff like this always is changing on twitch)

-- I have to maintain a schedule. Now this to you probably is the confusing part.

“JM how is it hard to maintain a video game playing schedule?”

1- having depression and anxiety means I can miss one day or a whole week of streaming because HAHAHA mental illness doesn’t give a fuck if I have people who like watching me, it comes and makes me unable to function.

2- I have other things to do too, I have friends, I have a book I’m writing, another one I’m editing/publishing. I have my own health to look after, I have work stuff responsibilities offline. SOMETIMES those get in the way or take priority to streaming. And that realistically speaking means “sometimes I have to give up time streaming where I could be entertaining people for something else.” and I’ll be honest- I hate it. If I was physically able and all- I’d stream all the time because I get joy knowing someone enjoys my casts, someone watches and loves watching me make an ass of myself playing games I love.

3- streaming is taxing. You may not think this but playing a video game- not that difficult (in comparison) but try doing that WHILE entertaining people. Like the best description I can give is remember in high school when you have to read a paper to the whole class? You wanna not BORE everyone, but you also wanna get it right? Well imagine WHILE reading that essay to a class watching and (for lack of better word) judging you, you’re trying to play your favorite game. Your mind is divided between “entertain the audience- be engaging, don’t ignore them, they are here for you, let them know you appreciate that and don’t want to alienate them by ignoring their presence.” and “PLAY THE FUCKING GAME entertain them you’re gonna die here, focus!!”

it can be taxing. especially for longer streams (for me an average cast is 3-5 hours. I have however done 24 hour streams before, 12-16 hours as well. Those casts are PHYSICALLY taxing as hell not to mention emotionally/mentally.)

-- Another thing- I have to keep up with trending games, but also play games I’ll enjoy.

See this is the double edge sword of being a variety entertainer in video games.

Say I played only minecraft, I’d have a guaranteed audience. People who LOVE minecraft. They’d come for that and they could use that as a starting foundation to why they enjoy my content. BUT I’m not a minecraft streamer. I’m a variety streamer. So someone could follow me because I played dark souls last month, but this month I’m playing Rainbow Six Siege, a shooter game. They aren’t into that. why would they come back? I need to bring them back by my personality (which personally I find is my biggest flaw. I don’t know how my personality doesn’t drive people away, but I’m told it doesn’t and I’m TRYING to see it, and not be as harsh on myself in that area)

See being a variety streamer means I can play EVERY game under the sun if I enjoy it, but I have to accept that people that show up- probably are short term viewers, because they are there for THAT game, not me. I can HOPE that they find me engaging enough to be like “you know what- fuck it I’ll hang out regardless, I like them, they’re cool/funny/engaging/nice/a welcoming place.”

THIS is what I do 5 days a week. All this culminates in a few hours a day of entertaining where I boot up the stream and start off by saying “Good timezone everybody, how ya doin, welcome to the show, welcome to the channel, welcome to the chat.” It is done because truth be told when I’m doing it and I know people are enjoying it, and they are like vocal bout that enjoyment I get filled with a joy that I can only describe as that feeling when you “find your purpose.” because I am good not amazing but good at video games. I’m good at dry and sarcastic humor but I’m also good at wanting to make people happy. I might not always do it but my intent is what makes me keep trying day after day.

you’re probably wondering “whyyyyy the long post about this”

answer- because recently I’ve been facing a LOT of self doubt, self criticism and the like because I have not been growing streaming wise. I’ve streamed for an empty channel more than not. and I know it’s gonna be a thing but it makes me wonder what I can do to fix that. I know on twitter I can be more engaging and social I’m working on that. But here I wonder the most. WHAT is it about the people who follow me on TUMBLR and what can I do to invite you guys all of you to hang out with me for a few hours every day (but wed/friday) when I stream, how can I bring you guys over to hang out, join the chat and laugh with me when I fuck up, jump/scream with me when the game scares the shit outta me (or laugh at that, most of my friends laugh at that part honestly.)

I know so many my followers on here are huge gamer nerds, but I dunno how to invite you to share twitch with me, and our love of gaming

this bothers me because I want so badly to entertain you guys, it’s why I edit all my streams into YT playlists episodically so that if you miss streams you can go and binge the game on YT as if you didn’t miss it OR if you just wanna go back and rewatch a game cause you loved my play through. EITHER OR.

THIS is what’s bugging me tonight and it bugs me a lot because normally I can think my way out of problems, but this one I can’t.

#rant #shuddup jm

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mcrmadness · 7 years ago

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Rant about how I can’t draw anymore... it shouldn’t have got this long but as it did anyway, I’m gonna put a read more link there eh...

Asdfdeghawbfk I’ve been reading some webcomics on Tumblr and the more I see the pics the more I want to draw too! I just don’t know what to draw. I lost my inspiration years ago. I guess I just became this boring adult or something. Not really as I’m still very child-like by my mind but I think all my energy and imagination is rented by my mental illness as it loves to make up weird scenarios and false alarms 24/7 so there’s none left for my own use...

So far only things I can came up with is drawings related to my mental stuff and it makes me angry because it’s just lots of text along with badly drawn pictures of nothing interesting. I already write way too much of my nonsense no one is interested in and it’s spreading to my art too.

It’s sad because drawing had been my hobby since I could handle a pen. I guess it ended few years ago when I used to do lots of portraits. Just fanart basically but those were never good enough. For me as I’m a huge perfectionist. I was good at the mechanics but not so good at making them look original. I think the major breakdown was when my friend told me that she doesn’t understand people who draw portraits because it’s just basically a copy of a photo and is lacking the soul or story of the drawing itself. She got the point and I was and still am not angry at her, but it made me realize that they were just not-even-perfect copies of photos.

I also was bullied at school and made feel like I was worth nothing and everyone just hated (on) me and I felt pretty shit and I was lonely as hell (I had no friends at school for almst 2 years in straight), I drew a lot and that was my way of getting the attention and approval I couldn’t get. And it was never enough. I did not draw because it was fun but because I wanted it finished, uploaded to Deviantart and to see if I could get comments and I was ALWAYS disappointed and felt like the world is against me and it’s my destiny that no one will ever see me no matter what I do. I was grateful for everyone leaving a like or comment but it was not enough... so maybe they lacked the soul because y only intention with them was to get attention. So I slowly stopped drawing.

I also can’t draw anything just like that. I’m terrible and it also made me even more depressed and angry because everytime I tried drawing something that was no copying, they turned out 57825792 times worse. And I just felt like I actually couldn’t even draw shit so I was just lying to myself, I was pretending to be good at drawing when in reality I sucked so bad and just was faking for myself because I knew how to mechanically draw, but not how to draw with just my mind as the reference pic. I don’t know if they looked so horrible for everyone or just for me, but it made me so damn angry. And I’m not an angry person but when I tried to draw it just made me so stressed out and I wanted to break everything and throw stuff out of the window so I stopped.

AND YET I still feel the urge to draw but I don’t know WHAT to draw. Okay since the first Deadpool movie I’ve been wanting to draw this once scene from it but I’ve never started because it’s too much work to go and find that scene on the bluray and actually get that paused so you can see the lines well enough. So I’ve been thinking about that scene for over 2 years and have done nothing. Also it would just be one stupid-ass piece of fanart portrait which lack the soul and it’d be just for me to do something DP related for couple of hours as that’s probably only way to do something lasting that long. Unless I watch the movie or play the game 24/7 but... maybe not :DD (Also still can’t beat the last boss in the game because they really did not think about players using keyboard so it’s pissing me off too. I really want to know how the damn game ends!)

I also love comics and I started drawing comics when I was 9-10 years old. Or first I started with just series of pictures. Acually have to tell this one here: always the same story tho about a dino riding another dino like a horse in a competition, and then falling over this water hurdle that was deeper than swim pools what the fuck - and it ended with him watching the competition from tv with his family and he was in a wheel chair with an overall plaster cats what was wrong with me??? But I also did draw on coloring books, once I draw with a red crayon on some sort of swan, I drew wounds and blood everywhere and kept telling a story of how lion had attacked it and my aunt was there listening to me horrified :DDD I also remember how I once drew a cat family that apparently turned out to be so dangerous they had chains and all and eventually I ended up drawing lines over the whole paper because they were also behind a ighly securited fence. Okay, I know this sounds pretty creepy, but actually I’ve always liked animals over people so I have no clue why I drew things like these when in the end I could never hurt animals. Maybe Jurassic Park and other movies, as well as documents about animals, had something to do with this? Who knows...

(I also have traumas for the movie “Homeward Bound”, the scene where the cat’s in the basket in the middle of the river and the dog is trying to rescue it. I was very young at the time when my mom caught me in front of that movie crying like a... baby? because of that cat. I haven’t been able to watch that film ever again. So that probably tells you how much I love animals and especially cats as I’ve always lived with cats and we had three when I was born. But I did adopt this to my plays as a kid, I loved so much to play when someone or even better if it was a GROUP OF KIDS that were in a huge danger and they needed to be rescued. I did this with every single play I played back then. Still love it when x rescues y but nowadays more like on an emotional level as I was always alone against the people hating me and I could only dream about someone standing for me.)

BUT TO THE COMICS. At first they were just stream of consciousness without any plot, I created new characters all the time and never finished their stories as they had no plot ever. Also loved drawing “biographies”, usually it was some female anthropomorphic animal or insect that used clothes and had hair because I loved drawing different styles, make up and hair/hairdos to them. And often it started with couple of panels telling about her story from the beginning, then jumped to some age and next thing was panel per age at the same time telling about her in tht age. The idea was just to draw lots or hair and clothes, and then it ended with some age I considered “adult enough” and then their teenage/adult life started with boyfriends and stuff. Usually it was pretty much an ugly duckling kind of story where they were different and maybe bullied because of something (this one bunny had floppy ears so they did everything to get them pointy because she was bullied I guess? At least she hated her ears. Btw this was my first real comic ever!). But you can see why I still love playin The Sims games! :D

After these endless stories about nothing particular I came up with the idea of actually writing a plot and then drawing. Ended up with plenty of short comics that actually had a plot and some idea in them. The characters did change tho and I probably had couple of stories of each different characters. They were also always animals but no more antropomorphic but just animals that had speech bubbles.

My last comics ever (so far) have been two originals and one that I drew as a fanart. The two originals were called Micro - The Insane Murdered, and Little Emo Bird.

Micro was this dino-like creature, yet another anthropomorphic character because I did not know how to draw people without copying anyone’s style and I just never came up with humans as characters. So the header tells it, Micro is a murderer. This one I actually liked a lot! I was 15-17 when I drew him, but it was also much gore as, well, he’s a murderer. Or just a killer as he’s pretty much insane and doesn’t plan but just acts out of blue. I think I drew 3 different short stories for him and I had the last one written down. It was pretty interesting as I didn’t draw him for a while and when I remembered those plans and came back, I had had my identity crisis and EVERYTHING had changed. Original plan was to get him a girlfriend - after he was caught for his crimes and snet to prison,m he later was sent to an asylum for prisoners. This story should have taken place in there, introducing fellow inmates and Micro just felt like he was not in the right place as he was not ill. And then he would have met this girl and they’d have fallen in love and so on. But when I later checked that out I was so... confused :D Like, this is not me? This is what I hate now? Romance, ew, heteronormativity, ew, JUST THE CLICHÉS, BIG EW. So I just wrote these this very deep wall of text about his personality but it never turned into a comic. But I remember how proud I was about it as Micro was meant to be partly me but also something I could never be and never will be and what not, just some pretty cheesy blabber that felt good back then but right now would feel just as stupid as the first plan :D

The second one, Little Emo Bird, was an interesting one as well. I created it as a joke because I was a huge My Chemical Romance fan and there was this never-ending debate over if they’re emo or not (and as a fan I believed them so they were not emo) and created LEB. It was this bird and you usually saw just his head and occassionally wings too and he was very stereotypical emo with black hair and he was very suicidal and angry 24/7. Also others called him gay when he insisted that he was not. But actually I always imagined him with a girl emo bird instead of another boy bird but it was just the another stereotype that emoboys are gays. So it was not meant to be mean but just fun. I also liked him very much because he talked with me - the drawer/writer. Like he knew he can’t kill himself because I won’t let him and it pissed him off very. much. And he hated how the panels he was in had frames looking like scars. Oh my bad, the panels were not scars but the arrows pointing the next panel :D I’m not sure if he was actually suicidal but at least he acted like one because he was desperate for attention and tried to get attention to show no one gives a fuck about him and the would get angry for stupid reasons. So basically just a very moody teenager.

I have all these on my DeviantArt if someone’s interested, but I want to link here one of the... memes? What the shit these DA fill-this-thing were actually called memes? I wonder if they still are o.O Anyway, I want to link this one because I think it’s still the best one and I really like the outcome here :D

Here’s also the link to my dA as this empty meme was done by someone else and I wanna give credits. Oops, apparently it’s a deactivated account so nevermind, but here’s the link anyway.

The latter and so far the latest comic was about Die Ärzte, or more about the slash pairing (still my OTP) and I drew couple of comics about them, as well did write fanfiction too. These comics were my first to have human characters as I was tired of drawing everyone always in the form of animals (horses usually) just because I didn’t know how to draw people, and many people found their animal forms really disturbing to view so I changed to people.

After those I just haven’t drawn anything really. Comics would be nice, once I actually thought it would be interesting as a career but then again, I can’t work under pressure and I couldn’t live from art because you never know when the artblock hits you. Right now it’s been on for couple of years and basically only way to create something atm is to play The Sims 3 and write my TS3 blog. At least it’s something, pics with text so... I still would love to draw but I just have NO IDEA of any concept or anything.

Also just want to say here that after thinking about my Micro and LEB it’s weird how there’s certain things that actually are just the things that made me start liking Deadpool. (I’d have written ‘fall in love’ but as much as he is a fictional character, he’s still a human being and I don’t/can’t love humans...) It just shows that I’ve always like that kind of things with comics but didn’t know they existed outside of my comics until I found out about DP. Have to admit tho, that I haven’t read any DP comics... But I have an excuse: I don’t know if there’s a way to get those in Finland. ANYWAY, I just feel like someone would think these were affected by DP but actually they were not. Micro and LEB both were created in 2008 and I did not find out about Deadpool until in... 2013-2014 I think? And even then it was just occassional browsing in the internet before the movie trailers came out and that’s when I really got interested and started reading about him a lot and bought the game and here I am now. Acually not sure if it was in 2013 when we were just rewatching the X-Men movies and a friend of mine probably mentioned Deadpool at some point and told some things about him that got my attention. But really I got interested bit later anyway.

I really feel like I should do some sort of comparison between me drawing from photos vs. me drawing from my head to show how huge the difference is. And this annoys me a lot because I feel like I’ve been using these photos to LEARN to draw better but it just feels like my skills are at the maximum no matter how much I’d practice, and I’m not happy with the result as I feel like I should learn even more but how do you learn if your skill is stuck??? People always say that you just need to draw every day and a lot and they don’t understand that’s what I did and never could cross a certain point. I probably was also very jealous at my siblings because they were 5732850 times better than me who had been drawing longer than them (as I’m 3½ years older), just seeing them to improve made me so angry because I did not seem to improve at all. With copy drawings I did tho! But not with the ones I wanted to.

Now, I also know that lots of artists use lots of reference photos and that’s actually great and made me feel better as I always assumed everyone is naturally that awesome and I can’t even learn more; so it made me feel better because I also have permission? I’m not fake for using photos? But I’m just this... all or nothing so I very easily feel like I’ve betrayed myself if I don’t draw all by myself and then I need to point out that hey I’m not this good in reality I used a photo heh don’t think I’m a naturally gifted as I’M NOT asddd. So yeah, my need to constantly explain myself is on the way with this one too :))) But I don’t think this would be so bad anymore if I now started drawing again, but the biggest problem still is, that I still have that artblock and I haven’t had inspirations in years. Apart from that DP fanart idea which I don’t know if I should carry out or not... sigh.

...I want teh comics!!! I once even wanted to start this webcomic diary because I used to read lots of them but even that idea was dead from the beginning because my life is so boring there’s nothing to draw about. I also have drawn couple of comics of our cats but again it’s the thing I can’t (or I make myself believe that I can’t...) draw the way it’d look nice and appealing, now they’re just black and white mess.

#me #personal #drawing #artblock #all my inspiration died out and idk why asdddddd

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mystery-snail · 8 years ago

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hello it’s time for Whine Time ™ (kind of private maybe dont read, its just me bitching about some stuff but if you have dealt with the gross/ugly sides of depression or anxiety and you genuinely feel you have advice that might help go ahead. but i promise this isn’t anything juicy or interesting, it just felt good to vent while i waited for my homework to upload)

so ive been having some shitty fallouts after i came home and returned to school after surgery. i had tried to plan ahead (i did all my homework ahead of time, made sure i stayed in touch with teachers, got extensions, etc). but the recovery was a whole week more than it was supposed to be and i spent that week lazing around and playing games when i could have been catching up

ive been so freaked out about everything that ive completely fallen off the radar. i feel like im faking all of this and everyones going to find out that im not smart or organized or happy when they see me fail. im supposed to graduate in may and my mom wants to have a party, and she said she’d do all the planning, but every ten minutes is an email or a text demanding i drop everything and help. i tried saying i cant and she didnt even adknowledge it. i have so many projects due and appointments with doctors and i have already made a commitment to return to work tomorrow. i cant leave work again (i was gone for 2 weeks and theyre slammed, understaffed, its only a 2 hour shift etc)

my life has fallen apart and im doing stuff ive never done when im depressed. my room is full of food garbage and its starting to smell. my bed is covered in clothes but i dont even know whats clean or dirty. i dont sleep because i get so anxious and guilty that im not doing homework or working on something. my floor is a mess and i cant even make myself take care of my body. i havent brushed my hair in almost 3 days. i wear the same jeans, hoodie, and shoes every day because i cant take time to care. i cant even eat. i have been drinking meal replacement shakes and eating toast. sometimes i can eat small things or soft things, like nuts and jello. my body feels terrible but taking time to cook or even sit down and eat feels like im being lazy

my boyfriend says to just chill out and everything will be okay. but if i relax i feel worse - chilling out wont help. ill be so freaked out the whole time that i wont actually be relaxing or taking a break, just laying still and mentally planning all the ways i can cram all my obligations into my long day. i do it every night until i fall asleep, if i even manage to. then im so tired the next day that im afraid people will notice im not happy or confident or put together like they all say i am, and im gonna let them all down and make them all mad when they find out im not good at anything at all

i dont even know where to start. cleaning my room takes time i could spend on homework. eating takes too much time also, and i dont even feel hungry anyway. my stomach hurts but i dont care enough to pay attention and eventually it goes away. my homework isnt stuff i can bang out in quick succession, but ive been trying. i do a response during my break instead of eating. i read when i walk between classes. i stay up late until i cant think right and then when i try to sleep i just cant relax, so i stay up later and try to get progress done.

i feel like i set myself up months ago with all these obligations and now im just being torn in every direction by all the expectations around me. 2 semester-long projects due in a few weeks. one semester long paper, and the next section is due tuesday. a semester long 2 day lesson plan that must be completed in extreme detail, due soon. two group projects coming up, but none of us have talked about anything, read anything, or even contacted each other. i had a group teach tonight - i had to make the whole lesson plan (and we were still late to turn it in) all night last night and didnt sleep until 5 something, and then woke up at 630 cause my mom texted me with party stuff again. now i have weekly essays to do, weekly responses, weekly online posts (and now those arne’t just single posts, they’re groups of 11 threads i have to watch videos in, analyze, and respond to. this week it took 6 hours to do them all and i have to do it all again next week). i have to read all of a book on teaching ethic so i can present that in ANOTHER group project in a few weeks. I have to distribute my big fiction piece tomorrow and i already printed it (13 copies, 300 pages total) but i realized i forgot to update it with a title and cant spare the time before class to print new first pages, so i have to stay up tonight and annotate the actual title, cross out the untitled label, and then sit through the critique on monday when everyone says it was unprofressional i didnt have a title and i get marked down

ive missed so much class and work and i can say no to anyone. i feel guilty for everything and i recognize im falling apart and this isnt okay but i cant ask for help, i dont want to, i cant make it happen. i feel like i dont deserve anything and i did this to myself, i chose this. its all gonna fall apart and im the only one to blame.

i dont even know where to start in getting control back. ive never had this kind of breakdown before. everyone keeps saying ‘oh well you had major surgery you have to relax and take it slow’ but they dont understand. they feel bad for me cause they think im someone who deserves a break, but i got 2 weeks to be lazy and do nothing. they all think im on top of everything and that i can manage more time off, but i cant. i cant just step away because if i do i fail everything. i got all A’s last semester and now everyone expects me to do it again, but ill be lucky to graduate. i have a’s right now but its all gonna fall apart soon. stuff is falling through the cracks and im trying to compensate by ignoring other stuff, like food and sleep. but im so afraid ill fumble and lose something more important and ill fail a class and not graduate. i already forgot my advising appointment yesterday because im fucking stupid and was distracted with playing on tumblr between classes

i just cant get the control back. i deserve this and i dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i have to deal with it all

my depression doesnt manifest like this. its always binge-eating and changing my life positively to fight back. but i cant fight this time. i cant eat and i cant sleep. i cant focus and i cant even prioritize all the stuff im juggling

i just dont know what to do any more.

#maybe dont read #its kind of personal #its really just me complaining #but if you feel you have solid advice on coping let me know

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