#Lorelai's ShnookyUkkums

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls 2/16, There’s The Rub, The Part Where Paris and Rory Are SuperMegaGay And All Is Right With The World Again, Part 6

Paris just saved Rory's hide from the wrath of Dean (okay, she still got plenty of wrath from Dean, unfortunately, but it could have been a lot worse) and this is why Paris is my favorite Boyfriend, not Jess.

You can read parts 1-5 and all previous episodes here.

Omg, my cynical, cold, black heart can't take this tenderness. I love them so much. Long live PariMore! (finally thought of a ship name! woot!)

One of the most serious crimes commited by one miss AmyShermanPalladino in writing a Year in the Life is not taking advantage of the freedom of Netflix and the much more progressive year of 2016 by having Paris get a divorce at the same time that Rory is lost and adrift in her life and finally put these two idiots together. But no. They still didn't find each other and live happily ever after and Rory is still shacking up with Logan even when it's clear that neither Paris or Rory actually like men.

By golly. This is 2002, they said. It can't be done, they said. And yet, PariMore proved us wrong. They went super duper ultra mega gay. Netflix and Chill gay. Slumber party gay. Super Gay Fanfiction!

"Sort of."

Staaaaaaaaahpppppp!! 😭 We interrupt Super Duper Gay Lesbian Slumber Party and cut to Lorelai and Emily having a night on the town after their spa day. They meet a handsome older gentleman at the bar who offers a dance to Emily. In a shocking turn of events that further proves this episode comes from some alternate dimension where all is right with the world with the exception of Dean Forrester, Lorleai happily becomes her mother's wingwoman after some small initial resistance. Are you ok, Lorelai? Do you feel feverish? You haven't nagged, cockblocked, offered unsolicited advice, or butted into anyone's business in like, a whole 30 minutes. This episode has such great Lorelai and Emily banter, like Emily telling Lorelai "You let me get 60/40'd" and "Hookers eat at bars." "Only if they can't get a table." Terrific! But the handsome gentleman gets a little too close, Emily feels guilty about dancing with him and that puts the kibosh on that and Emily blames Lorelai for making her feel like a cheap floozy. Geez Lorelai, I guess you can't win. You're insufferable when you're being a cockblocking menace to society, but then when you actually do relax a little bit and alllow people do as they please, you get the business. Emily wonders why she can't have what Rory and Lorelai have and I don't know if a deeply fucked up mother daughter relationship forged from a teen pregnancy where the 34 year old mother is still about 15 maturity wise is something you want to aspire to. Rory reading the check in forms at her therapist's office 5 years from now: Form: "Reason for appointment?" Rory: "Hmmm..." Lorelai to Emily at the hotel: Rory and I are best friends, Mom. Best friends first, and mother and daughter second! (Rory in her therapist's office: "Ah. There it is.")

There are so many times Lorelai is this - close to having a breakthrough, where she exhibits a fleeting moment of self awareness then poof, it is gone. She didn't pause to think about the implications behind admitting "I'm my daughter's friend before her mother." She will never learn or grow or change. Oh well, that's our Lorelai!

Listen, stop the feuding, you both get a trophy for Sucking At Parenting. Is there any hope for Rory's spawn to break this generational curse? It would be interesting if Rory's future child turned out to be a boy, because like, I have to wonder what creative and different ways she could manage to fuck up a son? (as with everything I'm sure this exists as a work of fanfiction somewhere). Lorelai thinks spending a whole weekend with her mother was too intense and they should have started with something smaller to patch their relationship and grow closer. What is her idea? No, not therapy. Petty theft. They steal the robes from their hotel room. Yay, mother and daughter bonding and not healing any trauma whatsoever!

No, never. Only if it's a box of cornstarch, a boat, or another woman's husband. Emily enjoys the robe stealing caper, some sarcastic quips are exchanged, and the desperate, aching, deep seated emotional trauma being suffered by both parties is once again shoved down deep deep inside to fester like an infected wound.

She's totally fine you guys. We cut to Rory and Lorelai at the diner the next day where Rory is giving Lorelai the run down of the previous events, presumably minus the super duper mega gay sexual tension between herself and Paris. Lorelai remarks that Paris looked nauseous and tired when she woke up in the morning, which Rory attributes to a sugar overload, but we know better. We know how dehydrating all-night Blockbuster & Chill lesbian makeout slumber parties can be.

Oh right, Rory committed the felony of spending one evening with someone other than Dean so now she "owes" him her time. She is talking about it with a level of excitement in her voice akin to someone who was just asked to scrub a toilet. Of course, there could not be a mention of Dean without a deeply troubling response from Lorelai. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. Surely it will be something like, “Aw honey, he just yelled at you because he loves you” or something.

Eh, close enough.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! It gets worse! There's only a minute left in the episode! How does she do it, folks? She is truly breathtaking. Before we get there, let's enjoy some Literati bliss. Rory is catching on that the whole Food Delivery thing may have been a ruse from Jess to get all up in her bizzzness and almost pries the truth out of Luke, but Jess diverts Luke away from the scene. Jess and Rory then enjoy an incredibly rare, blissful moment together, free of interruptions, alone at the counter. Or so they think.

Sorry I almost called you a naive woodland fairy when I thought you still didn't get that Luke never actually told Jess to bring to food your house and USA here cooked up the whole scheme on his own. It's clearly Jess who's the naive one if he thinks you're actually going to pay for your food! Ha ha!

WAAAAATTT???!!! #AlternateDimensionEpisode #EpisodeFromOuterSpace #TheOneWhereTheGilmoresPayForTheirFood #IsAmyShermanPalladinoOK?

SOMEONE (two someones) are not happy about this budding, adorable relationship, one so stinking cute that you'd have to be sick to try to destroy it. Like someone who would try to stop a bunny and a puppy from cuddling. Gee, wonder who I'm talking about?

Just normal Butthead Business, staring into windows while people are trying to eat. We already know from prior Window-Peeping episodes this doesn't bother Lorelai in the least. Lorelai smiles sweetly at her ShnookyUkkums Dean as if 30 seconds ago she wasn't hearing a story from her daughter about his anger issues for the 400th time. He's also talking in his usual miserable serial killer monotone about "Spending the day with Rory" like he'd rather be sticking his arm into heavy machinery than spend time with her, and again I have to wonder why he is even bothering with her, other than the fact that she's an easy victim and that no other humanoid woman besides Lorelai would ever give this soggy cornflake the time of the day. L: Rory told me everything that happened last night. She feels terrible about it. You shouldn't feel bad. It was a "Freaky unfortunate thing that happens." She continues in her soft, flirty, gentle Talking to Dean voice, "It had nothing to do with Jess coming over, trust me, she did not want him there!" Um. Again, a very weird thing to say about Some Kid to the guy your daughter is dating? Thanks to one of my followers who pointed out that Rory never said this on camera which means Lorelai has now resorted to flat out lying to Dean in order to sabotage her daughter's friendship (and it's still only a friendship) with Jess.

Look alive Butthead. She's salivating. I think she's about to start humping your leg right there in front of Luke's Diner. Don't make me turn the garden hose on you Lorelai. Dean isn't listening or aware he's about to be humped. He's distracted. There's something he's incredibly concerned about. Rory and Jess....they're talking. To each other. In public. Now, Gilmore Girls knows how to do creepy. We've got plenty of stories of people stalking, eavesdropping, hiding in bushes, leaving excessive amounts of messages, Dean existing, yada yada. But this is easily one of the creepiest things to ever happen on this show. It seriously gives me the chilly willies. The eeby jeebies. The eepy creepies. They look like two villains who have joined evil forces to devestate....Lorelai's own freaking daughter.

Picture ID: Lorelai and Dean watching Rory and Jess have an innocent conversation creepily through a window, cementing their status as the villains in this wholesome drama known as Gilmore Girls. *deep shudder*