#Literally in the same style as my future tattoos bro...

[jack-starling]

I love rabbits so much, bro. I wanna get so many rabbit tats.

[borathae]

↳ Index [Day 31 - Werewolves]

Pairing: Alpha Dom!Jungkook x f. Omega sub!Reader

Genre: childhood best friends to enemies to lovers!AU, werewolf!AU

Warnings: Kook is kinda cold at first, it is implied that OC gets sold into a forced marriage where she will be tortured and assaulted (not to Kook but a villain character hahaha), yeah...her future is not looking good, or is it?, Koo might have a plan :----)

Kinks: the trope of "just the tip" and "we shouldn't be doing this", yeah besties i went there, sex in a shed in the forest, sex by the bonfire, nudity, naked cuddling for warmth *wink wink*, he is bigger and stronger than her, size & muscle & strength kink, he pins her down, fuck i'm literally so small when it comes to him like bro please i have so many thots, hahah sorry i'm really into him haahah, he pins her wrists & puts his hand over her mouth to silence her, huge werwolf dick, knotting, multiple orgasms for both, "just the tip" in spooning position, clit massages, rough penetrative sex in pronebone & doggy style, he has her in a headlock at one point, breeding for the sake of scent marking her, so much fucking cum oh lord, dirty talk, he has fangs, he bites her shoulder, he growls, what if i was weak?? what then??, tears, eye contact, this is emotional & has plot and i wanna write more about them, cuddly & safe aftercare, the plot in this is so good omfg

Wordcount: 11.5k

a/n: Click here if you wanna see his dick. I have zero (0) Z E R O knowledge of the workings of the omegaverse. i know that there’s alphas and betas and omegas but that’s it. and that there is heat and knots and slick and scenting(?) but how the dynamics work or what ABO each means? no clue. so if this is inaccurate, bear with me and let's see it as my interpretation of werwolves instead. Okay? Okay. Jjssjjs i also added this idea to the mix ps: i actually don't wanna talk about this, i need to recover first BRO GOODBYE this was kinktober 2024 besties FJJDF what a way to end it tbfh

The storm caught you by surprise. You wouldn’t particularly mind it if it wasn’t for the company you have to keep. 

Jeon Jungkook. A stubborn, self-centred peacock of a man who thinks he is something just because he is the son of the alpha. 

Now, to perhaps understand the situation a little better, one might need what the literary world calls backstory. 

You lived in a small mountain town far away from any big human city. The town was surrounded by high walls and visitors rarely found their way to it. It was wanted by the townspeople because you weren’t particularly human. Most humans would call you demons, but you like to call yourselves werewolves. You lived in a pack and the town was your lair.

You can be human but also turn into a wolf by choice. Some choose to keep some of their wolfish features such as their golden eyes or sharp fangs, while others looked entirely human when they walked on two legs. 

Jeon Jungkook was the son of the pack alpha and therefore heir of the title. His mother was an alpha as well, which naturally gave him the alpha gen. He was stronger and faster than the other wolves in the pack and he had control over his body during the full moon. He never hid his fangs and showed his golden eyes whenever he was provoked. He earned his pack tattoos when he was twelve after killing three enemy wolves and when he turned eighteen, he earned the pack piercings after fulfilling the maturity rituals within a day. Something only his father managed to do before him.

Ever since that day, Jungkook became even more obnoxious and unlikable than he already was.

You weren’t so lucky. Born as an omega into a normal family with normal siblings in a normal house, your life has been pretty…normal. You are the same age as Jungkook, which naturally made you go to the same classes from elementary to high school. And throughout your academic career, you never learned to like him. 

He was an alpha while you were an omega. You were the only one like this from your family, but they never treated you differently. You were a beloved and cherished family member and therefore lived a normal life until your older brother made a mistake and you had to carry the consequences.

He killed the promised omega wife of the enemy’s alpha’s son. The warring alpha wanted to slaughter the entire town at first, but Jungkook’s father persuaded him to take revenge another way. Take one of the village’s omegas and marry her to his son. “She will be complacent and quiet. Once she is married, she will be your property. You can take out your anger on her.” So Jungkook’s father told him and the enemy alpha agreed happily. One night later, you were dragged from your home with no way to escape your future. You were born this way, it wasn’t your fault and now it would be your death sentence. You cursed your brother that night who begged to be taken in your stead. You told him to choke on it. It was the last thing you said to him and probably will ever say to him. You already started to regret it. 

Jungkook was ordered to make sure that you would arrive at the enemy village safe and sound. It has been three days ever since that night and all your hatred for anyone and anything has been directed solely at him. 

“The rain’s annoying me. Let’s take shelter”, Jungkook says dryly. 

“No.” 

Jungkook glares at you.

“Yes”, he hisses, grabbing your arm by your elbow to drag you to a shed nearby. “I’m not gonna walk in the rain. Besides, it’s late. We need to rest.” 

“Let go of me”, you protest, stumbling after him. There isn’t much that you can do. He is stronger and bigger and because of his status, he naturally has almost instinctive control over your actions. You could fight against these instincts, but it’s a lot easier not to. 

“Would you rather get sick in the rain?” 

“Maybe, yes. Maybe I’ll get sick enough to die. At least like this, I won’t be sold into torture”, you spit, ripping yourself free from his grasp. Again, all your hatred and anger is directed towards him, so it is easy to fight your instincts right now. 

Jungkook gawks at you in surprise. 

“I mean it”, you insist.

He frowns. He steps close and lifts you off the ground, throwing you over his shoulder.

“Hey! Let me down, you fuck!” you yell, flashing your fangs and kicking around you. 

Jungkook merely shoulders you better and walks, frowning deeply. 

“You brought this onto yourself.” 

“I hate you. I fucking hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. You big, smelling piece of shit.” 

Jungkook kicks the shed open and drops you. You stumble in surprise, but catch yourself pretty quickly. You and he are mere inches away, sharing air. The constant lighting cutting the sky illuminates your angry faces. You and Jungkook have your golden eyes out and show off your fangs. Your bodies are steaming as your increased body heats dry the water. 

“I’m gonna let it slip because we were classmates, but insult me again and I will make you be quiet. Understood?” he gnarls. 

You step closer, making him taste your words. 

“Go kiss my ass.” 

You turn your back to him and stomp further into the shed.

The shed wasn’t much bigger than ten square meters. There were tools on each wall and some tools scattered around the ground. Clearly it was meant as storage for woodworkers. One corner had neat stacks of wood and on a table, some blankets were stacked in case some of the workers needed to stay the night.

“Great. That’s luxury,  isn’t it?” you grumble.

The door slams closed behind you, making you flinch. You don’t look however, wanting to appear stronger than you feel. In truth, you are scared and alone and heartbroken. You are frightened. You are sad. You are afraid. You are helpless and hopeless. And you are only a little bit angry. As you walked, you couldn’t stop crying. You were happy for the rain because it masked the constant tears running down your face and you were happy for the loud thunder masking your sobs.

You are being sold like property to a man who will torture you for sports. All you want is to be home and to be held and to have someone pay for your fucking therapy because, goddamn, you are going to need a hell lot of therapy if you should survive this. 

Jungkook is the last person you want to be with right now. He lacks empathy and kindness and has a tendency to impulsive anger. You are waiting for him to hurt you after slamming the door, frozen on the spot. 

But it doesn’t come. Instead, he swerves past you to get firewood. You can only watch him, frozen like a scared little girl despite having long moved past your second decade on this cruel earth. 

Jungkook uses his claws to ignite the fire by scratching them over a stone. He blows into the amber until it forms flames, then he stands up. He hooks his fingers in his shirt and takes it off. 

You gasp and look away. You don’t know what he is going to do but it scares you. Is he going to test you out now? Make sure that the alpha is going to get a good delivery?

“Relax. I need to dry my clothes and I can’t do that on my body. I’ll catch a cold otherwise.”

“Oh.” 

Jungkook scoffs and starts unbuckling his belt. You watch his tattooed fingers work. He is wearing heavy silver rings on them. Yep, your people can handle silver without pain. It’s only a myth that it hurts you. Just as garlic being lethal for vampires is a myth. Humans like to tell these tales to sleep better at night.

Jungkook begins taking off his pants, meeting your gawking eyes.

“Stop staring and bring the blankets instead.”

“Oh, uhm. Sorry.” 

You instinctively obey. 

“Make a bed by the fire. Away from the door.” 

You obey again. 

Afterwards you lift your head, having to gasp and stare. What? Stare? Why can’t you look away? 

He is completely naked, currently hanging up his clothes on a chair. You should want to look away but you can’t. His body is sculpted, his muscles well defined. He currently has his back turned to you. It is so big and broad, contrasting against his small waist. Shit, his legs and butt are so big and sculpted in comparison to it. His back is covered scars. Slashes, bite marks, cuts. Some seem to have dug very deep when fresh.

“Just spit it out”, Jungkook hisses, rolling his shoulders which makes his back muscles shift and flex.

“What?” 

“I can feel you staring. Just say what you wanna say.” 

“Your back. It’s covered in scars.” 

Jungkook touches his own back, tracing the scars he can reach.

“I guess it is.”

“Who did this to you?” 

“Too many people to count.”

“What happened to them?” 

“The fact that I’m still here and they’re not, should be answer enough. Shouldn’t it?” 

You gulp. 

Jungkook turns.

You gulp even harder. Look away! You know that no matter how hard you beg your eyes, they won’t look away. It is like they are enchanted.

His pecs are big, clearly sculpted and strong. His stomach is defined, carrying scars as well. But what truly catches your eyes is his cock. Sitting under a dark, masculine bush of pubes, it glistens in the shine of the fire. It is big, even soft, a little tanner than the rest of his skin and sitting against a pair of big, plumb balls made for breeding. So this is what the cock of an alpha looks like. The effect it has on you is embarrassing. You feel slick build up in your holes and saliva collect in your mouth. 

“Quit your staring. It’s like you’ve never seen a dick before.” 

You shake out of your trance, looking away in embarrassment. Your face feels on fire. Holy fuck, what is wrong with you? 

“You have seen dick before, right? Weren’t you and Tae a thing in high school?” he talks as he gets under the blanket. 

“Uh, yeah, uh. We were.” 

“And knowing Tae, he fucked you. Didn’t he?” 

You turn away in embarrassment, rubbing the side of your neck. Of course he did, but Jungkook doesn’t need to know that. 

He figures it out instantly however, glancing at your middle when you aren’t looking. Just for a second, nothing more.

“So stop being weird about it”, he says and lies down. 

You shrink. Jungkook studies you. You are trembling in your wet, cold clothes. He pities you.

“Get naked and hang your clothes up to dry”, he orders.

You want to move in obedience at first, but then stop. You are too scared to obey instinctively.

“No. Close your eyes.”

Jungkook groans and closes his eyes.

“You’re so stuck up. You should practice being naked in front of other people. I heard that Alpha Urquard likes for his pack to watch wedding nights.”

You bite down tears. Great. Not only will you be assaulted, it will happen in front of god knows how many people. What if you just throw yourself onto one of the sharp tools? It would be a bitch way to go, but it’s better than what will happen to you. 

You ogle the pitchfork. Maybe you could do it. Maybe.

“Hey!”

You snap out of it. You whip around, meeting Jungkook’s eyes.

“Hurry up and come here.”

“What?”

“Come here. It’s better than over there.”

You ogle the pitchfork then his darkened face. Did he figure you out?

“I’m not gonna repeat myself. Get out of your wet clothes and come to me.”

“Ple-please close your eyes.”

Jungkook sighs in defeat and obeys. With shaking fingers, you get naked. With trembling knees, you walk to his side. With weak muscles, you get under the blanket next to him. There is only one blanket and you try your fucking hardest not to touch his body in any kind of way. He left you the spot closer by the fire so you were warmer and he could oversee the door.

Jungkook, who senses your presence, opens his eyes. He studies your face, then your body. You have the blanket pulled up to your neck, shivering uncontrollably. Even now, you seem plagued by the cold.

He furrows his brows in distaste and closes the distance. He manages to put his arm around you before your quiet beg freezes him.

“Please don’t hurt me.” 

He moves away, studying you in shock. Your eyes are squeezed shut, your fingers are trembling as you grasp the blanket.

“Why would I hurt you?”

The honest confusion in his voice forces you to open your eyes.

The fire casts deep shadows into his face as much as it illuminates other parts of it. His wet hair is drying slowly, sticking to his wrinkled forehead. He is furrowing his brows which explains the wrinkles.

“Why would I hurt you?” he repeats his question with more urgency. 

“I don’t know.”

“I was ordered to make sure that you arrive unharmed to Urquard. The last thing I’ll do is hurt you.”

“Please don’t.”

“Please don’t?” 

“Don’t make sure that I arrive safely.” 

Jungkook blinks in surprise. Such vulnerability isn’t what he expected from the once feisty, rude woman of before. You are tiny in fear, trembling uncontrollably and begging him with greyed, hopeless eyes. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re gonna be an alpha’s wife. That’s every omega’s dream”, he snarls, sounding weirdly jealous. 

You burst into tears instantly, turning your back to him as you curl into a small ball. You wail loudly, unable to pretend any longer. You don’t want to be married off. You don’t want it.

“No, uh… stop crying. I, I’m ordering you to stop crying”, he panics, hissing his words which only makes you cry harder. 

He stares for a while, fumbling with his words. In the end he doesn’t know what to say, turning off his brain to speak from his heart instead.

“Don’t cry, it’s gonna be okay”, he says softly, rubbing your shoulder.

His touch is tender and soothing. You sob despite it or perhaps because of it. It feels so weird to receive because it is nice. 

“Hey, it’s okay”, he tells you, draping his arm over you. Like this, your bodies are touching under the blanket. He feels so warm against your skin. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s not gonna be okay. I’m being sold like a pig to a man who likes to watch his daughters in law get raped in front of the entire pack and who will use every second of his life to torture me.” You shrink into yourself. “I just wanna die. I’m so scared.” 

“Hey no, don’t say that. Don’t be scared, I’m here.” 

“I heard that Urquard killed his first wife by ramming a medal hook into her stomach and hanging her like this. All because she couldn’t give him a child with the alpha gen. Please just kill me, please.” 

“I’m not gonna kill you, ___.”

The last time Jungkook said your name, you and he were both eleven and played adventurers in the forest. He celebrated his twelfth birthday two weeks later and another two weeks later, he killed those three wolves and got his tattoos. He stopped playing with you and stopped saying your name. Quite frankly, he stopped playing with any children since that day, saying stuff like “a man wouldn’t play stupid stuff” or “my father says that it’s weak to play” and he became quiet and distant. Maybe he became sadder as well and lonelier. 

Your name from his tongue after almost fifteen years forces you to turn in his arms. For just a second, the same innocent and playful boy looks back at you before you blink and come back to reality. His features and eyes are still the same shape and colour but he seemed to have grown into them. His left cheek carries a scar these days and his brows are furrowed more than they are relaxed. 

“I’m not gonna kill you, ___. And I’m not gonna let you kill yourself either.”

“So you would rather see me sold to a monster?” You squeeze out tears of anger and frustration. “I hate you so much. You sadistic, heartless piece of shit.”

Jungkook frowns deeper.

“You alphas are all the same. You think just because you are stronger than the rest of us, you can push us around like cattle. We aren’t cattle. We are people, we live normal and good lives. We are nothing special but that’s good. We’re boring and mundane but we love deeply. Unlike you disgusting, selfish alphas who see us as nothing but merchandise.”

“Are you done now?”

“I’ve only started. You are heartless, selfish, self-absorbed, apathetic and a snob. At the spot where your heart once was, a rotten piece of coal is sitting and when you talk, plants die out of spite.” 

“Anything else you like to add?” 

“You are the worst person to ever exist. You are elitist and stubborn and way too obsessed with status. And you…” Your eyes fill with tears. “...you broke my heart before I even knew what heartbreak was.” 

Jungkook’s eyes darken in an unfamiliar emotion. Guilt? Regret? More anger?

“We did everything together until one day, you decided that I wasn’t good enough anymore. For fuck’s sake, we were twelve and you acted like I was embarrassing for doing stuff kids our age were allowed to do.”

“You think that I had a choice?” He finally speaks up and you get a feeling that it was your turn to listen. “I stopped being a kid in my father’s eyes the day I killed those wolves. I didn’t wanna push you away, but father made me.”

“What?”

“I became his heir that day, I sealed my fucking fate. I had to stop playing a-and doing kid’s stuff. He forced me to train day in and out. I had to be the perfect man. I was twelve, for fuck’s sake. I was a fucking kid who wanted to play adventurers in the forest with, with his….with his best friend.” 

The silence which follows after his confession is deafening. Fifteen years of hating him. Fifteen years of thinking that he hated you. And all this time, he only acted like this because his father made him. You meet his emotional eyes, feeling emotional yourself.

“I was your best friend?” you whisper.

He nods his head, biting down on his lower lip to stop it from trembling. 

“I miss you, ___”, he presses out. 

You feel lost for words. You are so shaken in fact that you can’t even find it in you to cry. Fifteen years. Fifteen years of hating him for what he did and wishing for an apology you thought would never come and here it is. His confession. His apology. 

“It’s been fifteen years and I still do. I miss you and I’m sorry.” He cups your face, wiping away the remnants of tears. “I’m so sorry.”

You stare. And stare. And stare. 

“Please say something”, he whispers.

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Just anything, please.” 

“You’re the most selfish piece of shit I have ever seen.”

Jungkook’s face falls in shock. His eyes show how much your words hurt him.

“Why tell me your stupid apology now? Why confess to me now? Knowing that I will be sold into a life of sex slavery and torture?” You hit his chest. “Why tell me now when you literally deliver me to my fucking death? You piece of shit, you’re selfish and cruel and I want you dead.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. You and your entire family and the rest of the pack. Die. All of you just die.” 

You hit him with more vigour. More and more and more. 

“Enough”, he stops you, pinning your wrists into the ground and with it, rendering you helpless, “stop hitting me, please.”

You spit at his face. 

Jungkook flinches back. He sits up and wipes it away.

“What the fuck? You spat at me. Why would you do that?”

“Go to hell and shove your sappy confession up your sadistic ass”, you hiss. You feel no ounce of remorse for what you did. 

Jungkook wipes your spit into the blanket and moves quickly. He puts your wrists together and pins them above your head. Before you can spit again, he puts his other hand over your mouth, rending your legs useless as well by slinging one of his muscular legs over yours. 

There is no fabric between your bodies. You are skin against skin. Raw and naked and hot. You can feel his dick against you and you know that he can feel your tits against his arm. You are rendered useless, vulnerable to whatever he plans to do to you now that spat at him. You are scared, but you are also droopy. It is that same droopiness you felt when you looked at his naked body. Except stronger and more unbearable. You are hotter and there is slick gathering in your holes. You can barely breathe, but maybe this is because of his hand over your mouth. 

“Stop fighting me and listen”, Jungkook talks with his lips close to your face. You can’t stop staring at them. You fight him while your mind goes droopy at the sight of his lips moving. “You can either go to your new life or listen. Are you gonna listen?”

You nod your head.

“Good. I’m gonna pull my hand away now and you won’t spit at my face again. Promise?”

You nod hesitantly.

“Good. I trust your word.”

He pulls his hand away, keeping his arm around you. It lies exactly over your tits, rubbing against your nipples. You know for a fact that he is able to feel it. You curl your fingers, trying so hard not to get affected by his closeness. Or to make a sound for that matter.

“I said this stuff to you because I wanna make it right between us. Your brother fucked up, but what Urquard did in retaliation is crazy and what father allowed is insane. If you want me to, I won’t bring you to him.” 

“What? But…your father promised.”

“I don’t care. It’s barbaric that omega trading is still a thing. You are right, you are people not cattle.” 

“If he finds out that you refuse, he will disown you.”

“I have a plan for that.”

“Urquard will kill you.”

“That’s why I have a plan.”

“What plan?” 

“It’s gonna sound insane.”

“Just tell me please. I don’t wanna be sold.” 

“The only way I can free you of this pact is if you get marked by another alpha. You’re unclaimed right now, but if you were to be marked by an alpha other than Urquard’s son, then the pact would be invalid.”

“What do you mean with marked?”

He hesitates.

“Tell me.” 

“An alpha would have to put his dick into you.”

“So assault? I would have to be assaulted?”

“Not if you wanted it.”

“Huh?”

“Not if it’s with someone you trust. Someone who’s gonna be careful and gentle and who’s gonna make it nice for you.”

“And who should that be? Last time I checked, I’m not really friends with many…”

Your eyes meet Jungkook’s. He seems shy all of a sudden.

“Oh.” 

You gasp for air. 

“Oh.”

“I know it’s crazy. I thought of other ways. I’ve been plotting ever since we left town. That’s why I volunteered. To give us time, to give me time to think of something. I thought of lots of stuff, but they all ended in hypothetical death or enslavement of our pack. The only peaceful option was this.”

“You volunteered to bring me?” 

He nods his head, “anyone else would have been too scared of or too loyal to my dad. I know you’re scared, but I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.” 

“And you thought of this?” 

“It’s the only way. We kill Urquard and his sons? Their pack comes after us. We run away? Their pack is gonna punish our pack. We kill everyone? Impossible we’d die and destine our pack to agony. It’s only death and pain u-unless you get marked by an alpha.”

“But I would have to be with you afterwards.”

“Only if you want to. We can pretend, make everyone think that it’s real. You wouldn’t have to be with me ever again.” 

“Oh my god, this is insane.”

“I know. I’m sorry. The choice is yours. I promise.”

You study his face. You are still trapped under him, sharing heat. Skin against skin. arm against chest and cock against hip. He is semi hard by now, smearing slick on your skin. The fact that he is affected by this - by you - doesn’t make it easier to stay calm. You are glad for his leg over yours because it forces your legs to be closed and therefore hide the masses of slick having accumulated by now. His hair is still damp, hanging into his face messily. His fingers feel so strong and protective around your wrists. You swear that each time he breathes out and you inhale it, you feel high. You are so attracted to him right now. 

Truth be told, you always thought that he was handsome beyond comparison. He has a mesmerizing aura and a captivating smile. His physique is your dream physique and his face often caught your attention in a crowd. You were utterly and insanely attracted to him which made your hatred for him grow deeper. He betrayed you, but he is still haunting your thoughts. It was unbearable until right now. 

“I’m scared. I never did it with an alpha before”, you confess, suddenly feeling so vulnerable.

And Jungkook takes that vulnerability, cradling it in his safe palm just as he cradles your cheek the same way. His eyes softened, his voice did too.

“Don’t be scared. I’ll be gentle. I promise”, he almost whispers the words, tracing your brow and temple between cradling your cheek. 

“I don’t know you like that.”

“Neither do I you. It’s gonna be a one time thing.” 

“I’m scared. I’ve been scared ever since all of this started.”

“Don’t be. I’m here. I won’t let them touch you.”

“But you’ll touch me?” you ask in a whisper, lifting the inner corners of your brows.

Jungkook has a hard time staying calm when you look at him with such puppy eyes. 

“If you let me, I will.” 

You exhale shakily, squirming under him. 

“I’m scared.” 

He lets go of your wrists to cradle your other cheek. You lean into the touch, barely wanting to keep your eyes open. Your arms stay in their submissive position naturally. 

“Just the tip. That’s all it takes. Just the tip for a few seconds so you take on my scent and then it’ll be over”, he says.

“Just the tip?” 

“Yes, just the tip. Nothing more. I promise.”

You are going to do something which you thought never to do. But if it saves your life, you would do anything. Even something as crazy as allow Jungkook to stick his tip into you.

“Okay. Just the tip.” 

Jungkook exhales shakily, moving closer for a kiss like it was instinct before he stops himself. You shudder, craving nothing more than what he denies both of you. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this”, he breathes.

“What?” 

“Kiss.” He lets the word dance over your lips, running his thumb under your lips as his eyes stare. “We shouldn’t.” 

“No, we shouldn’t”, you whimper, chasing him. 

Moments of craving and yearning where both of you try so hard to kiss the other. But you shouldn’t. Just the tip, nothing more.

“Roll to your side, please”, Jungkook breaks the electric silence, guiding you with his hand on your shoulder until your back faces his chest. 

You can see the fire and the rest of the shed like this, but not Jungkook.

“Why like this?” 

“If I look at your face, I’ll stick it in completely. I can’t do this to you.” 

“Oh.”

Jungkook closes the distance, connecting his hand with your hip. He guides it up your body, travelling along your waist and arm. His touch leaves goosebumps where it goes. His palm is slightly calloused from fighting but incredibly tender in how it touches you. You feel yourself breathe heavier and heavier the longer he touches you.

He reaches your shoulder, closing the last of the distance by lowering his lips to your back.

“Ah”, you let out quietly, tensing up. Your eyes are widened comically big, staring into the bright flames. He is kissing your naked skin. What the fuck. 

Jungkook’s eyes are closed in contrast. His head is foggy, but he tries to fight these feelings. You smell so good that it is very difficult to do so. 

His hand is still on your shoulder at first but moves to your waist when he guides his kisses to said shoulder. 

“Oh god”, you whisper, sighing afterwards. 

Jungkook feels droopy from the sound, digging his fingers into the softness of your side. He shouldn’t be doing this. Just the tip. That’s what he said. And yet here he is, kissing your soft skin as if it was his right to do so. He shouldn’t be doing this, but he can’t stop. He traces and holds your side and stomach, telling himself that he only does it to relax you. He kisses every inch of your exposed back and shoulder, telling himself that he only does it to calm you down. When in truth he does all of this because he wants to make it nice for you. And maybe he wants to be a source of tenderness after what you had to go through. 

Lies. These are still lies. He fucking does this because he wants to. He fucking does it because he wants to know how it is to touch you. Taehyung talked when you and he were high school sweethearts. Oh, Taehyung talked and Jungkook had to listen and secretly seethe with jealousy. It should be him, he thought back then, he would know how to treat you right.

You had no idea of these thoughts. You still haven’t as you lie here next to the warm fire while Jungkook touches you oh so carefully. You don’t know if you’re allowed to close your eyes. Just the tip, you agreed on. Can you close your eyes for that? 

But it feels so good. His lips are soft, while his piercings are hard in contrast. His touch is currently dancing up the middle of your torso slowly. You fight the shivers wanting to run through you. 

You lose the fight a moment later when he pulls you against his strong chest and kisses your neck. 

You whimper, trembling like crazy. You arch into him, craning your neck to give him more of it. Your heart skips beats under his lips. Jungkook grips the blanket to stop his hand from cradling your tits. 

“Fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this”, he presses out under his breath, mouthing at your neck hungrily. “I shouldn’t….do…this.” 

He drags his lips to your jawline and sucks. Your eyes close.

You mewl, rolling your hips back into him. His cock slides between your legs, rubbing between your puffy folds. He trembles in shock, gripping your hip to stop your wiggles. 

“Don’t do this. Don’t act like this when it is supposed to mean nothing.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”

“Mhhm I know. You can’t, but I can. I won’t do it again, I’m sorry.” 

You swallow your begs, not wanting to appear weak or desperate. It is so difficult not to beg when you have his cock between your legs. Hugged by your folds and exchanging slick. He feels hot and his veins are pulsing desperately. You have never before felt so stupidly horny than you do right now. Quite frankly, he might be forcing you to go into impromptu heat if he keeps being like this. 

“Just the tip, yeah? Just the tip”, he whispers as he puts his arm under your head so you have something comfortable to rest on. You practically melt into him, biting back tears. You are being held and it feels so good. So safe and warm. 

He kisses your neck and cheek, whispering his words.

“Are you comfortable? Are you ready?”

“Yeah”, you sigh, pushing your hips back. 

Jungkook slides his other hand between your bodies, using it to align his cock with your dripping entrance. Just the tip, he reminds himself, nothing more. Don’t be greedy, keep calm. This doesn’t mean anything. 

“Last chance”, he says, wanting to stall time so he can calm down. 

“I trust you.”

Jungkook bites back his moan, having to take a deep breath before he can act. You are messing him up without knowing. With a racing pulse, he applies pressure on your puffy cunt and slips inside. 

You squeak, shaking against your will. You convulse around him, gasping repeatedly. He went in so easily, despite his size. 

Jungkook growls, “fuck, holy fuck”, he gets out and bruises your hip as he grips it for support. It takes everything inside him not to push it all the way in. Jungkook genuinely has a hard time not to moan. You are so wet.

Judging from your tremors and the way you fight for air, it is just as difficult for you.

“Only a few more second”, he forces his voice to sound as normal as possible. He wants to fuck you, but knows that he shouldn’t.

“Mh-hm”, you squeak out, nodding your head. You want him to fuck you. 

Jungkook closes his hand to a fist, growing his claws to dig them into his own palm. The pain keeps him from acting up. He wouldn’t be able to handle it otherwise. 

Jungkook always hoped that he would marry you one day. There it is. It’s out there. Jungkook had feelings for you for decades. In his dreams, you marry him and he can spend the rest of his days spoiling you rotten. He would be your protector against any danger, your best friend to laugh with, your remedy for your heats and the lover you can be yourself with. 

Being with you like this is everything he ever wished for. You are so soft and warm around him, your slick is so wet. He knows that, deeper inside, it would be so much more. You'd be so warm, so soft. Jungkook gulps down his desire for more, otherwise he would do things he would regret.

“I think it should be good”, he presses out. He can’t do it anymore. One more second and he would push in all the way. He can’t do this to you. You trust him and he can’t abuse this trust. 

“Really?”

You turn your head, looking up at him in droopy devotion. Jungkook whimpers, instantly cradling your cheek. He furrows his brows, throbbing inside you. He fights the urge to kiss you, to rest his forehead against yours, to bury himself deep inside you.

“Please don’t look at me.”

“Jungkook.” 

His name hasn’t rolled off your tongue ever since he left you at the playground. It almost brings tears to his eyes, forcing his arm around you tighter.

“I can’t do this”, he drops his forehead against yours “I think I remembered that I need to put in all of it. It’s not gonna work otherwise.” 

He is lying, because he can’t accept the truth yet. That he is selfish and totally addicted to you. 

“Please do.” 

“No. No we shouldn’t be doing this”, he fights it still, shaking his head which makes his nose rub against yours. 

“Please”, your words tickle his lips, “save me. Whatever it takes, save me.”

“Urgh”, he growls through gritted teeth. 

“Please.” 

Jungkook lifts his head. He wants to look into your eyes as he does it. He wants to see the utter bliss in your eyes as he turns your relationship status from ex childhood best friends to two adults reunited.  

He rolls his hips, feeding your warmth his length inch by inch. Your brows furrow and lift, your lids flutter, your mouth falls open. 

“A-ah”, you squeak out.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m all here”, he whispers. He closes his arm around you, cradling you in a gentle headlock. 

You close your fingers around his lower arm, spilling tears from your eyes. 

“Does it hurt?” 

You shake your head. 

“But?” 

“So…filled out. So big.”

“I know. I’m big, but you’re taking me so well.”

You whimper. Jungkook feels so insanely protective over you right now. 

“Yes, you are. Taking me so well”, he insists, brushing the back of his hand down your cheek. 

Jungkook continues until he bottoms out. He shudders, choking down a whimper. You feel so good. He never ever felt like this before. It feels like coming home which is insane because he was never with you like this. 

“___”, your name comes out of him against his will. 

“Jungkook”, you answer him, clenching around him.  

“Stay still, please.” 

“Okay”, you whimper, looking at his lips. 

The pull is magnetic. Jungkook draws closer with parted lips, you meet him with parted lips. Once you kiss, it will be over for you and him. There will be no coming back from this. 

“No”, he croaks, putting his hand over your mouth. The headlock tightens like this, giving you such a sense of being protected that your walls clench against your will. 

“We shouldn’t kiss. Never”, he rasps weakly, mouthing at his own hand right where your lips lie beneath. You close your eyes, trying to move your lips under his hand. It is starting to feel cruel to be denied his kiss. Especially when memories of your past come back to you. 

You remember that it was a group of eight kids and you were doing “dares” to see who is the coolest. Taehyung was dared to prank call his mom and he actually did. He pretended to be a grown up insurance clerk and once he hung up, you really thought that he managed to prank his mom (he didn’t hide his phone number and had a childlike voice). Jimin, another friend, was dared to climb a tree. Which he did and he was sooo cool for it. They were silly, childish dares who did no harm but made you feel so cool. Then it came to you and you were dared to kiss Jungkook. Which you did. In a childlike, innocent way but which made you and him feel so grown up for a moment.

The memory is haunting you right now, making you want to redo it in a grown up, mature way. You open your eyes, meeting Jungkook’s gaze. Judging from the foggy desperation in them, he is haunted by the same memory. 

“Please get out of my head”, he gets out.

You whimper his name behind his hand. Jungkook furrows his brows, grinding his teeth.

“No please. Stop it”, he croaks, squeezing his eyes shut.

You want to fight it as well, of course you do. You swore to hate him forever and now you want nothing else than his kiss. You want to fight it, but your hands move against your will. They rest themselves over Jungkook’s hand and try to dig between your face and his palm.

He growls, huffing out air. The only thing keeping your hips from joining the impossible fight is his hand on it. Shit, now he is concentrating on down below. Your puffy walls around him, so soft and warm. Being inside you, Jungkook swears he will never be cold again. Or maybe he will be, maybe he will never find warmth again once this stops, once he has to slip out and pretend that it meant nothing.

What will happen afterwards? He is so needy and he knows that you are too. What will happen? Are you going to lie next to each other, wet and needy and force your bodies to calm down? Or maybe he will need to excuse himself to outside, fuck his own fist as the loud thunder masks his desperate moans while inside the shed you most definitely would touch yourself as well?

Jungkook was so lost in his haunted thoughts that he realises too late that you managed to tug his hand away. Your lips brush his’. 

Jungkook moans from the bottom of his heart, going in for more at first. He even rolls his hips into you. Like instinct. Like it is meant to happen. 

“No”, he pushes you away, slips out, breaks the moment. “We shouldn’t be doing this. Not that far.”

You sob, shrinking into yourself. 

“Please”, you whimper your words, staring at him with desperate, sad eyes. You lift your hips, begging him silently.

“I won’t be able to stop if I do it again. I can’t do this to you.” 

“Please”, you beg.

“Do you even know what an alpha does when he fucks? I won’t be able to stop until I bred you. I-I’ll knot you and, and you won’t be able to get me out until I’m soft again.” 

“I know.” 

“This could take hours. You will feel out of control and vulnerable.” 

“You said that you will protect me. That I-I’m safe with you.” 

“___”, he chokes out and crawls to you. He picks you up in his strong arms, holding you against his chest. His heart is racing like crazy against your back. “Stop me. I beg you. I can’t pretend any longer that this means nothing to me. You have to stop this.”

You reach up and twist his hair, pulling him down to you. 

“We shouldn’t-” 

You silence him with a kiss. 

Jungkook trembles, resting his weight against you as the kiss renders his body useless for a moment. You are kissing him. You stopped this stupid farce for you and him. You sealed your fates. Jungkook knows that it won’t be the same after tonight. He will never fucking give you up. 

He breaks the kiss, but stay close.

“You shouldn’t have done this.”

“Please. More.”

“Are you even hearing me?” he hisses.

“Yes. Please, more.” 

“Fuck, we really shouldn’t, but maybe I…I have to move it a few times? To really mark you?” 

“Yes, sounds good, mark me please. I don’t wanna be sold.” 

“I-I’ll do it just for that. To make sure.” 

“Yes. Okay”, you sigh and melt into him, lifting your leg. 

Jungkook slides his hand under it instantly.

“Let me do it. Relax.” 

You let your muscles relax, allowing him to carry your leg’s weight. He does it so easily, tracing your hairline with his fingertips as he looks down at you. He moves his hips so his cock would slip between your folds, working you up to what was coming by grinding back and forth. He really drags out the movements, sending trembles through your legs each time his thick tip rubs your swollen clit. 

He exhales shakily, whispering his thoughts.

“You’re so wet. I have never felt slick so warm and, and wet before.” 

You look up at him with shy, nervous puppy eyes, making him want to protect you forever. 

“Is it bad?” 

“No, fuck no”, he puts his arm around your chest, pulling you up to him until he can rest his forehead against yours. “It’s perfect, baby.” 

“Baby?” 

“I…” he drops you, hips stilling in shock. He doesn’t know what to say. Anything he could say feels like too little of an apology. 

You however increase the lethalness of your puppy eyes, reaching down to try and move his hips again. 

“Please. More.” 

“We’re only doing this to save you, right?” He asks, picking up a rhythm again. It is the same as before but way more arousing because he purposefully makes sure that his tip slips into you every now and then. He starts off with just a little poke, increasing the inches more and more. But it stays just the tip, for now, don’t be mistaken. If he slips inside it should happen accidentally. He likes to tell himself if it happens like this, it will mean that it wasn’t his fault. 

“Yes, only to save me” you lull your words, getting droopier and droopier. Each time he has his tip inside you, it feels so good. Before he slips out and you feel sad, until of course he drags his cock over your clit instead.  

You can’t do this for long anymore and Jungkook seems to share your feelings. The tip he buries in you starts to go way past your entrance and it seems to stay longer inside. His golden eyes never break contact, his fingers rub your arm as he holds you so close. 

He slips into you again. So deep. 

“Mhhhhm” he lets out in a rumble, furrowing his brows. 

You whimper, lifting your brows. 

Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. He won’t be able to escape like this. 

Deeper.

He bottoms out. 

You moan, eyelids fluttering and lips chasing his kiss. 

He shakes his head, talking as he falls into the kiss.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this.”

You kiss and Jungkook’s cock doesn’t leave you again. It stays buried deep inside you, reshaping your walls as his hips move. Slowly for now, daring not to be too rough with you. Because being rough makes it real. Maybe if he keeps his movements tiny enough, it will still count as being nothing of importance. 

Because that’s what this is, right? Something that doesn’t mean anything, something that won’t change who you and he are. This is what those needy, hungry tongue kisses mean, this is what the desperate touches mean, this is what the exchanging of warm slick means. Nothing. Because if those things meant something, it would force Jungkook to admit that he is doing This for himself. Of course he does it to save you, but if it meant something, he would have to admit that he is also doing this for himself. 

But it doesn’t mean anything, right? Right?

You break the kiss for air, looking up at him submissively and droopy.

“It feels so good”, you whisper.

“Close your eyes, please.” 

You obey and Jungkook has to come to the realisation that it makes no difference. This fucking means something. Holy fuck, he is done for. 

“Maybe I have to make you cum?”

“What?” you ask, eyes still closed. 

“I think I need to make you cum once. Then you’ll be marked.”

“Please do. I trust you.” 

Trust. He thought that he would never earn it again and yet here he is. With your weakened, trembling body in his hold as you trust him to take good care of you. 

“Mhhm shit”, he presses out, biting down on his own tongue to calm himself. Be tender with her, he thinks, you swore to be a gentle alpha so fucking get it together.

He moves you into another position, draping your leg over his hip so you wouldn’t have to use your muscles. You are so open and spread like this, allowing his big cock entrance. He slides his hand to your clit and takes it between his thumb and middle finger to massage it. 

“A-ha”, you let out, arching your back and lifting your hips.

“Ssssh, relax. I’m here.”

“Please, deeper.” 

Jungkook buries his cock deep inside you and stays there, circling his hips. He is so big and long that he stimulates both your g-spot and your cervix. He is so gentle that it doesn’t hurt. It just feels so good that your fangs grow against your will and you leak masses of new slick.

“Like this? Am I making it nice for you?”

“So nice”, you mewl, nodding your head vigorously. 

Jungkook is gazing at you as it happens. He watches every change of expression on your face, fighting the urge to call you beautiful. Because that’s what you are. Beautiful. You would deserve to know but he is scared of the consequences. It would mean the fluttering of his heart is real.

“Is so nice”, you sigh, writhing happily. It breaks him.

“You’re beautiful”, he says, moaning softly when you tighten and arch your back. So you liked it. His cock throbs inside you, leaking into you needily. “Yeah that’s right, you’re beautiful. So fucking beautiful. Taking me so well, feeling so good on my cock.”

“Ah, aaaah”, your moans are so loud, your pussy so fucking wet and your clit so swollen. 

Jungkook fucks you gently, massaging your spot of pleasure with his long, skilled fingers. He can feel your heartbeat in your back, as much as he can feel you rub against his nipples. 

The blanket over your bodies is so hot, making you and him sweat wherever you are touching. He can’t deny it anymore that this is real, that this means something. This means fucking everything to him.

“You’re such a good omega, taking me so well.”

“You’re making me cum”, you croak, grasping his arm for support, “please, can I cum?” 

“Yes, baby. You can. Cum for me.” 

“Jungkook”, you gasp, ripping your eyes open to stare in shock as his gentle touches bring you over the edge.

Your eyes flicker golden, you moan silently with an open mouth. 

“That’s it, cum for your alpha. Let me mark you, that’s it.” 

He has a hard time saying these words to you. His thoughts are running wild. This is the face you make when you have an orgasm. Never in his wildest dreams could he have imagined this to be a face he gets to see. And it’s so beautiful that he treads the moment your high stops and he has to pull out. He doesn’t want to pull out. He needs more of you. He needs you like fucking crazy.

“More please”, and then your beg releases him. You are down from your high, yet still so hungry for more. You feel so fulfilled with him that you don’t want this to stop. 

“What?” he croaks.

“More please, more.”

“If I do this, I won’t stop until I cum too.” 

“I know.” 

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I have to cum inside you to mark you?” 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

The pretend continues. The fucking charades that this is only to save you from your fate, that you and he aren’t doing this because it feels so good to both of you. 

“Please Jungkook, fuck me properly.”

“Are you sure?” he almost squeaks the words because he has such a hard time controlling his urges. 

“Yes. Please.”

“Holy fuck. ___ urgh.”

Your needy beg does the rest. His animalistic instincts take over.

Jungkook growls, grabbing you roughly to flip you onto your stomach and therefore pin you down. He straddles you from behind. His right hand slips to the back of your head, his left hand has a possessive grip on your hip. His legs cage in your legs, keeping them squeezed together as he drills his thick cock into your pussy. You are so tight like this, jerking him off in such a maddening way. 

You scream up as you didn’t expect him to take on such a punishing pace instantly, but you aren’t complaining. It feels so good to take him. He fucks you so well. His cock is so filling, making you feel whole. 

“I’m not holding back now. For you, just for you. Is this good for you? Do you like this?”, he growls through gritted fangs, shifting his eyes between your face and his cock.

“Yeaa”, you sob, clawing at the ground helplessly. You were aware that Jungkook has been an adult for years, but this is still changing how you see him. Whenever you thought of him, you saw that twelve year old boy calling you immature for playing. That boy is gone as if he never existed. Jungkook is a fucking adult and he is rewriting the image in your mind one heavy stroke at a time.

“You should have never seen me like this. Fuck, this shouldn’t happen”, Jungkook spits, high on your body. He is embarrassed by his actions, but can’t stop them. “But I can’t stop. Holy fuck, I need you so fucking bad.” He needs to fuck you. You are so small and weak right now, so goddamn vulnerable. Once so unclaimed until he took you.

You are his. 

Jungkook growls, pinning you harder into the ground. 

You are his. 

You reach behind yourself because his hand on your head hurts. He grabs your wrist instantly, using it to pin your arm against your back. You wail up, kicking the ground as best as possible as you writhe in your imprisonment. 

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t see me like this. Not you. I’m sorry.” 

He apologises, knowing that he won’t be able to stop until you are claimed. The thought makes him crazy. He is claiming you. The girl who was his first kiss, his best friend who always came to him when she needed help, the woman who counts on him to protect her from her fate and the wife he always hoped to have one day. And he is claiming her. He is marking her, making you his for anyone to smell.

Jungkook drills you harder. He pulls out all the way to his tip just to thrust into you sloppily. He does it over and over again, reminding your dripping pussy of his size with each possessive thrust. 

And you take it with grateful sobs, existing only for him right now. You would never recover if he stopped right now. You need him to finish what he started even if it ruins you in the process. 

“We really shouldn’t be doing this, fuck, this shouldn’t happen”, Jungkook gets out, gawking at where he buries himself in you. 

Your slick is slowly taking on a milky colour from the intense friction. It sticks to his veiny shaft and his dark pubes, smearing all over your ass and his thighs as well.

If this shouldn’t happen, why does it feel so good? If this shouldn’t happen, why does it look so hot? If this shouldn’t happen, why does he not want to stop? 

Jungkook scrunches his face in anger. He lets go of your arm so he can grip your hips with both hands. He pulls them up until you are kneeling. Your face is still buried in the ground, your back is arched.

You shake and convulse instantly, sobbing in embarrassment because the open position of your legs forces your slick to run out of you. 

“Holy fuck”, he gets out, staring at it with blown out pupils, “holy fuck, ___.” 

“I’m sorry, please don’t judge me”, you beg, trying so hard to keep it inside with clenches around his cock.

“Never. Holy fuck, I could never.”

“I’m so embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. Relax, baby. Don’t fight it”, he says, knowing that you and he shouldn’t be doing this. 

You obey instinctively. You relax around him, releasing the slick you so desperately wanted to hide from him. It begins squirting out of you messily and audibly, marking him yours.

“Yes”, he growls and begins pulling your hips onto his cock possessively, thrusting into you at the same time. He does it with one hand because the other he slips between your legs to pinch your clit. Gently of course, keeping her between two fingers to massage her in circular motions.

“Let me help you.” 

You wail and shake, releasing more and more of your pretty slick. It runs down your thighs, covers his legs, smears all over your ass and his stomach.  

“Relax, that’s it. My pretty omega shouldn’t keep it inside. It’s not good for you.” 

“Jungkook, I can’t do this”, you sob.

“I know. We can’t do this, we never should have.”

“No”, you wail, “no. I have to cum again.”

“Whenever you want to. Your alpha’s right here, baby.” 

“Jungkook!” you scream, breaking apart as if you never orgasmed before. It feels so good.

“Holy fuck baby, ah!” Jungkook yelps, hips stuttering in shock, “you feel so good, what the fuck ah! Ah! I can’t control myself. Baby!” 

Jungkook growls and lays himself over you. He holds you up with one hand around you, biting down on your shoulder as his body breaks. You sob from the pain of the bite, loving every second of it. 

And then it hits you. 

His seed.

His thick, hot seed.

It shoots out of him with such strength that you feel punched in the gut. The effect is instant. You lose control over yourself. Quite literally, you lose control. You can still talk, using it to scream his name as you orgasm in a way you have never experienced before. 

The first one was intense but familiar. This right now? You didn’t even know that your body could feel this way. It is truly, seriously, religious. It is as if you finally found your purpose in life. And in a sense you did. You found your alpha. He finally claimed you properly. You are his’. You aren’t unclaimed anymore. Nobody ever educated on this, so you have no idea that these religious, soul fulfilling feelings mean that you changed forever, but you don’t mind right now. You are just riding on these feelings, screaming his name and milking him dry. 

Jungkook whimpers. He truly, honestly whimpers from the bottom of his heart, collapsing on top of you. He knocks you into the ground like that, burying you under his weight but he couldn’t stop it from happening. 

He never experienced this feeling either. He had sex with people, but it never felt like This before. He orgasmed in them but it never felt like this. It feels as if his seed finally has purpose. That’s how it feels. Like his efforts and all the rutting he is doing has fucking purpose. 

And then it happens. Something that he was only told could happen to him, finally happens to him. His knot swells. He actually fucking grows a knot and has to writhe on top of you, burying his nose deep in your hair as he sobs your name. 

You sob as well, insides suddenly feeling like bursting. His knot is so big and thick that it should feel like an intruder but it doesn’t. It feels like the best drug ever. You didn’t even know that you could stretch this far. The amount of stimulation it gives you as it rubs against your walls is otherworldly, making you chase one orgasm after the other.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me. Ah! ___!” Jungkook yelps, having to orgasm again as your tight walls stimulate his knot. The amount of sensitivity he feels on it is insane. 

His hands slide together with yours, holding them tightly as he pins them into the ground. His tears fall into your hair, your own tears soak the blanket. 

“I can’t stop”, you get out, shaking in fear, “I can’t stop cumming!”

“Me neither.”

“I’m scared. I’m so scared”, you sob, riding on the unfamiliar, scary sensations.

“Don’t be scared, I’m here. I’m here”, he talks you through it, shaking beyond saving.

You aren’t even moving much. There are no thrusts, no sloppy wiggles. Just and you and him, actually stuck together because of his knot while he pumps one cumshot after the other into you. There is no movement and yet it feels better than the most passionate rutting session you each had. No movement and yet you are fulfilled beyond comparison. Is this how it feels to find your mate? Is this what it is? 

Did “we shouldn’t be doing this” turn into the finding of your other half? Was “we shouldn’t be doing this” fate’s way of protecting you from what will happen once you gave in? Or was there ever a “we shouldn’t be doing this” strong enough that could have prevented you from doing this?

Whatever it might be, it is too late to think about the what ifs now. The reality is that you and he can’t stop climaxing, lost in the most addicting and intense pleasure you and he ever found yourselves in. It is never ending. When he climaxes, you have to too which sets him off again, triggering your need to as well. It is a vicious, never ending, orgasmic cycle.

“This feels so good”, he croaks out, writhing on top of you, “does it feel-” 

“Yes! Yes! Oh god please Kook not again. Kook!”

“Kook”, Jungkook repeats the nickname in a whimper, curling his toes as another orgasm hits him as well. He never thought to hear this name from you again. He can’t handle it any other way than filling you with more of him. 

There is so much of him inside you by now, having no way to escape because of his knot that your body reacts in the only way it knows how to survive. It opens up for his seed to go deeper. It trickles into the deepest parts of your sex organs, warming you from the inside out. It is like he is alive inside you, feeding you with the strongest drug you ever took. You think that you black out for a moment. You are still aware of what is happening to you, but it is hidden behind a thick layer of blurriness. 

“Eh”, you let out, falling into the darkness gladly. It feels so good to do. There is something because you are aware of your orgasm, but there is also nothing. It is as if you are standing next to your body, watching it shake and tremble as he makes a home inside you.

And then there is nothing. Truly nothing. No more orgasmic pleasure, no more watching yourself. Just darkness.

“___? Hey, ___? Holy fuck, what’s wrong with you? ___, open your eyes please”, Jungkook’s distraught voice comes closer and closer, his hand on your face becomes clearer and clearer, “please ___, open your eyes, please. Oh god, what have I done? I should never have done this. I- Oh god ___ please, I’m sorry. Wake up, please.”

He shakes your head gently. It brings you back to reality. Your body regains the ability to feel. 

“Jungkook”, you whimper, opening your eyes. You writhe instantly, throbbing around his knot happily.

“___ hey. Holy fuck, thank god. Hey”, he says, dropping his forehead against your temple and kissing the side of your face desperately, “I’m so glad that you’re back. I thought that I killed you.”

“No, just made me black out.” 

“Why? Does it hurt? Are you in lots of pain?” 

“No, just haven’t felt so good before. Ever. Kook, I”, you suddenly have to whimper your words, “I feel your cum inside my uterus. It’s so warm and alive and….right.”

“It is?” He whimpers as well, feeling weakened in emotion.

You nod your head. Jungkook sobs quietly, using the hold he has on your hand to guide your arm under your body and against your chest. Like this, he rolls your bodies to their sides, instantly cradling you against his chest while his trembling lips kiss any part of you that he can reach.

Your face, your neck, your shoulder, your arm, your back and the bite mark he left, your face again. Over and over he kisses each inch of you, whispering your name every now and then as if he is trying to make sure that he remembers who made him feel like this. As if he is trying to make his brain memorise who it was who made him experience his first knot.

He is still swollen, keeping everything inside you safely. It is still so intense, but suddenly it feels more emotionally intense than physically. Enough time must have passed for the fire to reduce the logs by lot. And all of a sudden you and he don’t feel the uncontrollable need to orgasm anymore. You still want to be close, moving your hips in emotionally needy wiggles in hopes of keeping his knot alive for as long as possible, but it is not to chase another orgasm. You want this to last because it feels so safe. 

“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t want this to end”, Jungkook confesses, holding you protectively.

“Me neither. I feel so safe like this.”

“Holy fuck, ___. What did we do?” he presses out, kissing your cheek over and over again.

“I don’t know.”

“I never knotted before. I never felt like this. Holy fuck, ___.” 

“What is gonna happen to us now?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t let you go again. Ever. I don’t wanna fucking share you. Never. I’m trying so hard not to tell you that you’re mine ‘cause I promised you that this would never happen again.”

“Please don’t.”

“What?”

You turn your head, leaning deeper into his embrace. Like this, you feel his racing heart against your shoulder and you are entirely protected in his arms. His knotted cock throbs inside you as your eyes meet. The same playful, gentle boy of the past looks back at you, except that his once boyish features are mature and aged up. A gentle, adoring man stares back at you and you can’t seem to find your way out of his galaxy eyes. 

“Please don’t promise me that this won’t happen again.” You cradle his cheek. “Don’t hold back on telling me that I’m yours.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re high from my cum, these aren’t your real feelings.”

“Why shouldn’t they be?” 

“___, we-”

You put your thumb on his lips. 

“We shouldn’t have done this, I know. You kept telling me as we kept doing this.” 

Jungkook gives up in a sigh, having to chuckle afterwards. You giggle, cupping his cheek again.

“Just the tip. That’s what we agreed on. Just the tip”, he says.

You clench around his knot, touching your bloated stomach. You instantly guide his hand to it, wanting him to feel what he did to you. He purrs deeply, biting down on his lower lip. You grin goofily.

“Just the tip indeed.”

He laughs softly. You snicker and stub his nose with your own. 

“This is the messiest and deepest tip I have ever given”, he jokes, making you laugh. 

“Oh god, this was funny.”

“Mhm, I’m pretty funny”, he says and nuzzles his nose into your neck to tickle you gently.

You squeak and giggle, feeling happy beyond comparison. Jungkook ends his loving attack with kisses to your ear. 

You sigh, melting into the affection. You and he lace fingers, using the position to melt closer. 

Your droopy eyes stare into the flames while Jungkook relaxes you with soft kisses all over your neck, shoulder and back. 

The thunderstorm stopped outside. It is already a little brighter. Fuck, so you were really trapped in this orgasmic state for a few hours. It felt as if so little time passed as it was happening. 

“What is gonna happen now?” you whisper.

“Now? We’re gonna cuddle and I’ll be kissing you until you’re asleep.”

“I mean after that. Do we have to show Urquard that I’m claimed?”

“I guess. I haven’t thought that far into the future yet. But yes, he will probably want proof that you’re marked.”

“I’m scared. Do I have to get naked in front of him? And his pack? Will he put something in me to get a scent?”

“He can try if he wants to die.” Jungkook pulls you closer possessively. “You’re under my protection now. Okay? You won’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with and I’ll hunt down anyone who dares to overstep your boundaries. Even Urquard and his pack.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really. I promise you.”

You close your eyes, spilling tears.

“Thank you.” 

You never thought it possible to have your dreams fulfilled by Jungkook and yet here you are. You are being held and comforted by Jungkook and it feels like home. 

“Don’t thank me. You’re mine. My darling ___ to keep safe. You have my body to protect you and my heart to find a home in.” 

There is deep rooted honesty in his words, but you are suddenly too sleepy to ask him what he meant by them. There will still be another time. This wasn’t just a one time thing after all.

[dirtyrottenraskel]

my take on yueki's personalities

yue 

notes / personality

cocky (but also like understated confidence - r e g a l af) 

kind of a nerd

maybe a little entitled, and a little bratty and suki loves to indulge her or to rile her up depending on her mood

books

seems soft but made of steel

strong sense of duty

socially intelligent - can be manipulative and suki (the dork) thinks it is so hot 

aloof queen bee typa beat

supportive, both in ur day to day and in going after your big moral life goals 

deep water - steady and powerful, often underestimated

untold depths, private yet surprisingly nurturing - master of deflecting away from herself

political nerd - well read, and when she has someone she trusts not to take advantage of her, she goes OFF 

distrusting of most people, has been used and ignored and underestimated her whole life

patient - homegirl knows how to play the long game

excellent at pai sho / chess 

she and suki have epic battles of wits - dif types of strategy but both are really into it and get a little too competitive (multiple board games have had to be replaced over the years)

loves travel bc wasn’t allowed to much, esp when she was sick 

was super repressed growing up - never let her be herself or really have any sort of independence

used to sneak out and wander around in rebellion and casually sabotage plans and decisions she didn’t agree with 

introverted, many opinions but keeps them to herself, discreet but well spoken

weaponizes secrets and information - doesn’t often use it but...she could

definitlyyyyy worries and overthinks and re-evaluates - worries ab social politics a lot

obsessive about picking things - wants it to be perfect

shes growing into her confidence as a leader

prefers quite intimate places

incredibly romantic

classic lit

planner for the future - visionary

kind / sweet / gentle - yes, but that’s also her “front” to a degree (seriously, i feel like she gets painted as so sweet and submissive and one dimensional by the fandom a lot of times and it freakin kills me)

INFJ-T (The Advocate) ((yes this is from 16p which i know is not super accurate but u can still catch her overall vibes from it ya know)

Creative/insightful/principled/compassionate/altruistic

sensitive/reluctant to open up/perfectionist/prone to burnout/not a fan of the ordinary

friendships / relationships

(<> indicates that they’re one of her best friends)

sokka - puppy love crushes, laugh ab it now, get into deep late night talks about responsibilities and leading, water tribe culture, prank wars (no one believes sokka when he says yue is a mean prank master (expect suki comes to see it in action lol))

katara - <> badass women friendship, totally would go to matches and protests together, tough girl shit, waterbending practice/duels - start of cautious, but then get rough in a good way bc they trust each other, they do water tribe food adventures together

toph - indulges her chaos, bonding over stupid royal upbringings, odd yet weirdly endearing pair

zuko - both sort of standoffish gay royals, but once they come to see that they are friends - take up similar spaces though, so only hang out in a group or rarely by themselves, they do hang out at like political parties and stuff when they get more comfortable together

aang - <> he has an impressive world view, yue is super studied and well read, so she and aang nerd out over past cultures together, and also their peace keeping nature, they have tea together often - usually after she and katara wipe the floor w/ each other

clothing / aesthetic:

blues and pale colors

classy and understated wealth

like those cute feminine button down shirts

dresses

like cold weather classy

complicated braids

sort of soft girl aesthetic?

pleated skirts !!!

i feel like she would wear ethically sourced fur (i don’t wear fur but idk how to get it in an ethical way - maybe it’s just fake??)

knit sweaters and skinny jeans and heeled ankle boots

light academia !!!

hella funky earrings - to mark her native pride and also cuz gay

from my readings, tattoos have a lot of cultural significance for Inuit women, and so i feel like yue would totally have some (when she comes of age ofc) 

suki

notes / personality 

extroverted 

also very strategic 

more spontaneous tho - will totally calculate the odds in a spilt second in her head and then just go for it

like still a careful planner, but willing to say fuck it, yolo if it seems right 

reflects on her mistakes, but more in like a healthy way - unless it was a leadership mistake, then it eats her up inside - worries more ab keeping her girls safe and making the right call

likes lively places

total bashful romantic

manages the present and the short term - realist

loves to do lists 

a little punch happy - loves to make violent threats, but also does it out of excitement and she’s just a really physical person tbh

steady, can come off as stubborn and abrasive but she really just wants what’s best for everyone she loves

harsh on herself and worries about her girls a lot 

always ends up in the oddest situations 

totally would kick someone’s ass for being racist/sexist/homophobic/etc 

dedicated to her training and her regime 

not a great cook, but she can manage 

would drink monsters 

has a weird relationship with femininity - took her awhile to reconcile strength and toughness and being assertive and aggressive with also wanting to feel pretty and feminine and embracing being a girl and how those things can coincide and amplify each other

abandonment issues - parents absent/dead 

was imprisoned - obvi she had several almost successful escape attempts, but she got really close to breaking 

was incredibly independent really early, grew up really fast and tries to make up for that now by sometimes being reckless 

tough/assertive/woman of action 

dry sense of humor/sarcastic - not good at nickname/pun humor tho

practical/dedicated/strong-willed/direct/honest/reliable/loyal/patient

stubborn/judgmental/difficult to relax/difficulty expressing emotions/too selfless 

friendships / relationships

(<> indicates that they’re one of her best friends)

sokka - <>  man they’re like platonic soulmates - she beat him up, and now they spar all the time, totally funny and crack jokes all the time, go skating together, they do shitty art together, and then show their lovers after zuko and yue come back from their high society mixers, broke her out of prison, m/f friendship !!! 

katara - also sparring buddies (suki will throw down at any literally moment (and tbh so will katara)), not close but will hang in a group - go to each other for advice 

toph - <> listen these two wreak havoc together, they help each other out a lot, i feel like they’re shopping buddies (similar enough style to frequent the same shops) toph knows suki won’t judge her for wanting to feel pretty and suki knows toph will be honest, they are both blunt sarcastic assholes and get along like a house on fire 

zuko - <> shows zuko how to like,,,enjoy things (and how to let go of some of that pressure to be always right and the adult and in charge bc they were raised with so much responsibility on their shoulders even tho they were just kids)? she is also super protective of him (once she trusts him), one of the only ppl who can match suki fully in hand to hand combat, both do the Disappointed Parent Look when the group falls into chaos, but by themselves, the two of them end up in hijinks

aang- suki enjoys his optimism and they’re just chill bros, they love exploring abandoned placed together 

clothing / aesthetic

sporty and skater mixed 

ripped jeans, crewnecks, vans 

green and yellow and dark red 

gym clothes/athleisure - lifting style gym clothes - cut off t-shirts and bike shorts

skirts too, likes to play into femininity

she’s a gold jewelry kinda girl - but stuff that won’t hinder her movements 

necklaces that end in the hollow of her throat & occasionally rings

definitely cuffs all of her jeans (it’s just bisexual culture ya know)

so many crop tops - some came like that, some were more of a diy project

yueki’s relationship!!!

nerd/jock solidarity 

feel the burden of responsibility and the weight on their shoulders 

they create a safe space between them, full of trust and warmth and vulnerability 

yue will read suki sappy passages from poetry books while suki polishes her fans 

they slow dance in the kitchen a lot 

they get good at ordering takeout - and they have some weird decision making process that only they understand - bc neither of them are great cooks 

yue would feel jealous of suki and sokka, if it weren’t for how stupid in love sokka was with zuko and yue can see that suki really only has eyes for her 

yue is taller than suki and it amuses her to no end to pick suki up and carry her away from a fight (we all know suki could get away if she wanted to, but when ur hot tall sexy gf throws u over her shoulder,,,,,,u don’t complain)

joke they’ve adopted kataang and zukka, bc they’re all dummies, but in reality every last one of them is stupid LMAO 

they love to do each other’s hair and it’s like super intimate and really cute 

sometimes it’s these epic elaborate hairstyles and then at other times, they try to see how many ponytails they can fit on suki’s head and how many little braid yue can do 

they travel EVERYWHERE 

since yue is royalty and suki is her body guard,,,, well i mean, they totally have to see these kingdoms they are doing trade deals with in person 

it helps that they're friends with a lot of them 

they stay over in everything from camping so they can stargaze to ritzy hotels with hot tubs in the bathroom 

yue gives suki rocks she finds on all their travels and suki lines them up on their mantle around the pictures of them in increasingly weird locations 

suki loves guarding yue’s meetings bc she gets to watch her absolutely rip a new one into misogynistic old men and it never fails to bring her joy 

While yue doesn’t love getting attacked, the ruthless efficiency suki defends her with is like,,,,,stupid attractive 

[dmctuesdayblog]

I did this instead of finishing my cosplay today but I really didn’t want to sew and just wanted to draw Clear instead so-- 

While I could have been making Lux’s shirt, I was mastering the art of freehanding straight lines instead.

The main character of my fic, more information/explanation and translation of my messy writing under the cut ^^ 

First of all, I realize from early drafts his ponytail has gone through So Many Changes. I ended with it here because this is the most ‘realistic’ length. The notes on that are: 

- Hair is not quite black.

The reasoning is because V has black hair, and so does Lady, so Clear’s more of a brunet lol A lot of my reasoning is to make him stand out from the cast in his own way, while still fitting in. 

- Red is more ruddy than Dante’s coat and Nero’s vest. Primary color is grey. 

I made his primary color grey/black since up until Vergil in the reboot/new game, Trish is the only one who wore mostly black. I also am really fond of monochromatic schemes with a pop of color around the waist, especially in action series where people employ a lot of acrobatics and kicks and stuff cuz the color accentuates the motions nicely. I also gave Clear something around his waist to match the long-coat silhouette since he wears a shorter jacket than every other character. 

The reasoning for red as his secondary color is mainly because of his relation to Dante lol But also, the game uses colors really well within the Sparda family to show each character’s alignment, and thanks to DMC5 giving Eva a model we can now assume that red is the color that represents humanity. So, going off that notion, since Clear is fully human, red became his second color. 

Other notes on his clothes: 

- Layers make him look more bulky. Yes, those are moto-jeans, I am trash and accept it. Sheath 4 knives. Generic black combat boots (2lazy2draw lol srry...) 

Notes on physical appearance: 

- Height: 5′9. I wanted him to be a little on the shorter side compared to the other guys, so he and Lady are around the same height when she’s in her usual boots. 

- Built for speed/acrobatics, not like Dante and Nero’s more muscular build. It’s cuz he doesn’t claymore, bro lol. Not super lanky like V tho, kinda in-between. 

Because his primary weapons are a pair of knives, his fighting style is based a lot around hit-and-run, and block-checking his opponent. So, unlike Nero and Dante who just rush in swords blazing (literally in Nero’s case) and just destroy shit in a flashy manner, Clear actually considers a lot of actions and backs out if he needs to reset. 

The Tat: Custom made w/ maximum edge. Also is functionally a Devil Arm.

I’d say that’s a spoiler but it comes up in like, chapter 7 lol Design-wise, it has to be different from V’s so it only covers his arms/upper back/part of his collar and has much more color; it also doesn’t fade in and out of existence and So Far doesn’t give Clear a Devil Trigger (still deciding if I wanna do that or not tho). The current design was no where near what I was intending when I first started designing Clear, but I really like where it’s ended up. The tail was a spur-of-the moment decision. 

- Based off of Sin DT and Clear’s knives. Orbs and alchemic circles are featured.

The two sets of wings, tail, and then scales are what were inspired by Devil Trigger. The reason for basing it off Sin DT is because *lowkey spoiler* the tattoo is infused with Sparda’s blood retrieved from Nero. We don’t have time to unpack all that so the TLDR is the person who designed the tattoo was a heretical scientist from Fortuna. Also, the top set of wings is supposed to be more ‘feathered’ as a homage to how Clear initially was going to have something to do with angels/high-order demons. But I scrapped that idea pretty early on lol 

- Base of circle is a Directional Circle. Disposal nodes. None of these are real elements tho lol

I did my own research into alchemic circles and ended up basing mine partially on a circle used to make bread LOL But the intended use is deconstructing /redirecting energy from demon blood, disposing of the blood/remains, and transferring the energy left over into Clear to give him power. I’m not functioning with the ‘equivalent exchange’ mechanic of FMA, so it’s a little easier to say “these are the parts of the circle and it will do this.” As for the ‘elements’ in the six small circles, I was initially going to use Actual Elements, but finding the makeup of blood that wasn’t more than plasma, water, salt was proving to be too difficult for my feeble tired mind to handle lol So, I made up six 'elements’: the top one is a drop of blood/eye combined to represent blood, the one to the right is just a random design, the two on the bottom are orbs (one is upside-down and grinning while crying, the other is just surprised screaming), and the left one is two crossed S’s with dots that when drawn wrong just look like boobies LOL The one in the very center is based off the sun/moon array but with two moons crossed over to form an ‘eclipse.’ 

If you read all the way down to here, thank you for sticking with me! I hope you found any part of my creative process interesting ^^ I hope to do more concept art in the future !! 

[mycounselortoldmetojournal]

8-8-19 (pt1) “Yet Still there is Good”

Not sure if there’ll be a part 2, but it’s only 11 AM, so God only knows.

Saw Therapy Bro last night, and I’ll admit, it went so much better.  To his credit, he made it clear he *does* read this, and he adapted his style; the questions asked and the ways in which he interjected were so much more helpful to me.  I’ll admit, after last session I was wondering if I had the right guy;  his ability to adapt last night told me I do. 

It’s taken me way too long to get this concept, but it’s slowly begining to build itself up in my mind; there are so many conclusions which I draw that are automatic that I’m not really even aware of them; I’m not consciously aware that I’ve drawn a judgement or conclusion or read the reasons why.  I just *know* that I’m right and here’s why someone else is acting this way.  The point Therapy Bro keeps trying to make is,  A.) No, you don’t know why.  B.) There could be so many other reasons why.  C.) (But I think this needs to be A / #1 for me:) You have to be mindful and aware of when you’re jumping to those conclusions.  And that, for me, is the hardest part. 

So i’m going to take the next week and a half and this journal to try and reflect on moments and situatinos where someone has done something that is hurtful to me, or moments where I feel hurt or less-than, and come up with alternate reasons as to why that person may have acted that way.  

Fate and the universe, it seems, have a perverse sense of humor.

Because I left therapy expecting people to be horrible and me having to come up with alternate reasons why.  And instead, I’ve experienced nothing but love since then.

I left Therapy Bro’s office and texted a friend whom I had intended to grab dinner.  We settled on a place and both got there at the same time. This is a man whom I’ve had a *HUGE* crush on from the moment I met him. Tall, gorgeous, muscular, completely and 100% himself, and has a spirit made of gold; humble, and kind, and loving... when I asked him “Why did you get into your profession?” he replied, “I couldn’t die without making someone else’s life better.”  I’m in love. At one point he asked “Why have I never been over to your place?” and I said “No one sees my place.  The only people who’ve ever been in my apartment are...” “Don’t tell me. Your hookups?”  “Yup.” He got quiet and just looked at me. “You know I love you, right?”  And the way he said it..... y’all.  I don’t know.  I don’t know if it was that “I’m a good friend and I love you as my friend,” or if it was “You’re my guy and I want to be with you now until the last breath I’m blessed to take in your presence, until I”m joined with the eternity of the universe which is the only thing I can imagine that is greater than you and your being.”  (At least, that’s how I’d express it to him.)   He continued, “ ... and it makes me... I dunno. Jealous to hear you talk about other guys.”  He paused again. “That makes me sound selfish.” The irony of it all is he’s dating someone who’s 100% wrong for him, hands-down.  I haven’t met the guy, I don’t know their dynamic. But I knew within 10 minutes of (Hmmm... what shall I call this guy who loves me whom I love back...?  Mr. Incredible?)  him talking about his BF that his BF doesn’t listen to him, doesn’t acknowledge his unique gifts and abilities, doesn’t validate him or his spirit, doesn’t pour back into him and only takes, has already built up walls that have stymied trust.... I’ll stop there. It’s not my relationship.  But it just sucked to hear someone for whom I would walk over hot coals look me dead in the eye and say “You know I love you, right?” and “I kick myself for not asking you out months ago,” only to continue to hear his woes of how his Boyfriend In Absentia (BIA) is wrong for him. 

But. He’s taken. He’s off the market.  And I’d rather have good (Great) people and spirits as my friends than not have them in my life if he can’t be my lover. So I’ll stand shoulder to shoulder with him as a dear friend and let him know I’ve got his back. 

After dinner we walked outside and stood a moment on the sidewalk.  Mr. Incredible is in Incredible shape (and he absolutely should follow his passion to be a personal trainer; his reasons for not doing so are just baffling to me.) He offered again to help me with my lifting.  In the past he’s said “You know the same things I do, so not sure what I can do.”  I said “Clearly not, because you look like you and I look like me.” (Yes, there’s more to unpack there.) He started to say”Well I think you look amazing,” and I, as I always do to everyone, cut him off and didn’t allow him to finish.  (Let’s put a pin in that moment. Maybe for part 2.) instead I went in for a hug, and he put his arms around me. Y’all... you know that scene in every movie where they plug in a dead battery into a high voltage source and you see the battery meter go from zero to like 10,000% in half a second?  That was that hug. It was electric. (boogie woogie woogie.) The charge I got from his arms around me....  We said goodnight and walked opposite directions to our cars, but I was literally hopping across the crosswalk, shaking my hands... every part of me was tingling. I got in the car and involuntarily, my hands went and covered my nose and mouth, a la Steffon from SNL.  Y’all.... that boy...

And then this morning a hookup whom I thought was just a hookup has continued to reach out to me.  “So when’re you coming over again?”  Last time we met up, as we were lying in bed sweaty and panting, he looked over and said “Wanna go grab some food?” And I’m fairly certain the hookup turned into a date. And it was wonderful. 

It’s odd.  In the mist of all the horribleness going on all around us, yet still there is good.  There are authentic people.  There are honest people. There are people who have experienced trauma and abuse and been subject to the worst of humanity, yet still come out the other side with grace and kindness and gentleness and love. (There’s a reason I call him Mr. Incredible.)  There is such a desire and a longing and a want by so many whom I’ve met to BE vulnerable, to BE authentic, to BE genuine; they jsut need someone they can trust to be those things and not be attacked in return.Someone who will validate that those traits are signs of strength, not weakness. 

There are plenty of reasons to choose happiness.  Every day. 

Happiness doesn’t exist pre-made.  I’ts not something that’s made in a factory, shipped to a store, and you go pick it up, open the package and pour it out.  Happiness is made, from scratch, by each of us.  Our recipes are all different, and the flavor is unique to us all, but we must MAKE our own happiness, and it starts with the choice to take the ingredients that are around us in our lives and cook that motherfucker until a golden brown cake of joy comes out. 

“Yet still there is good.”  I think I see a tattoo in my future.

“Yet still there is good.“   “I will not tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death.”

[michaelcmunis]

let's be honest

1) name: michael

2) age: 15

3) three fears: attractive people, blushing, and being forgotten

4) three things i love: being on the phone having an amusing conversation even if the topic is stupid, i love eyes and their colors, and listening/watching a thunderstorm.

5) four turn ons: biting my bottom lip, having the person on my lap grinding, heavy breathing, SOMETIMES sexting.

6) four turn offs: talking too much about your ex, talking shit about your ex, bad breath, poor hygiene.

7) my best friend: i have like… three.

8) sexual orientation: pansexual

9) best first date: going to the movies

10) my height: five foot four inches

11) what do i miss: wendy’s

12) what time was i born: idk how ik this but i was born at 4:12 pm

13) favorite color: blue or black

14) do i have a crush: yes

15) favorite quote: “i don’t need a piece of paper saying i succeeded, i just need food.” ~ shane dawson

16) favorite place: my bed

17) favorite food: ramen

18) do i use sarcasm: EVERY CHANCE I GET

19) what am i listening to right now: certain things by james arthur

20) first things i notice in a person: eyes

21) shoe size: 8 men

22) eye color: hazel

23) hair color: brown but it gets lighter in the summer

24) favorite style of clothing: grunge clothing can be cool, but i also like basic clothes, idk i’m boring

25) ever done a prank call: yes, that was my childhood

26) meaning behind my url: it’s literally my first name, middle initial, then last name

27) favorite movie: mr. nobody, it doesn’t make any sense until the very end

28) favorite song: can i be him by james arthur

29) favorite band: maroon 5

30) how i feel right now: kind of lonely, excited but upset that i have to leave soon

31) someone i love: all three of my best friends

32) my current relationship status: taken

33) my relationship with my parents: i have a pretty good life with my mom and stepdad, my bio dad kind of gave up on me because i’m trans and my stepdad took his place

34) favorite holiday: christmas

35) tattoos and piercings i have: none atm

36) tattoos and piercings i want: i kind of want sleeves, i want some of my dad’s tattoos, and for piercings… i’m not really a huge fan, i kind of want a tongue piercing and maybe an industrial bar.

37) reason i joined tumblr: oh boy… i stan ryan stalvey so i decided i wanted to see what tumblr’s about, and i got sucked in, i’m on this more than all of my other apps.

38) do me and my last ex hate each other: oh god no, we’re on great terms

39: do i ever get good morning or good night texts: yes

40) have i ever kissed the last person i texted: almost

41) when did i last hold hands: i have no fucking clue

42) how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: like fifteen minutes, because i skip breakfast

43) have i shaved my legs within the last three days: lmao i haven’t shaved my legs in like a year

44) where am i right now: in my room

45) if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’d help me: my dd

46) do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level: i used to blast my music in my headphones but i started to lose hearing so i like it at a reasonable level

47) do i live with my mom AND dad: no, my parents divorced when i was barely two, i live with my mom

48) am i excited for anything: well i’m waiting on my sixteenth birthday so that i can start taking testosterone

49) do i have someone of the opposite sex/gender i can tell everything to: yes

50) how often do i wear a fake smile: i don’t even attempt to fake a smile, i have a plain expression most of the time

51) when was the last time i hugged someone: last friday, the 23rd??

52) what if the last person i kissed were to kiss someone else in front of me: they’re dead to me, i’d never talk to him again

53) is there anyone i trust even though I shouldn’t: i have trust issues so i either believe you or don’t

54) what is something i disliked about today: coming inside sweating my ass off because i mowed the lawn

55) if i could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be: the new dog my dad got but eeeee

56) what do i think about the most: food

57) what’s my strangest talent: i once picked up a quarter with my toes

58) do i have any strange phobias: if i blush and someone comments on it i get very defensive and embarrassed, and i’m also afraid of talking to people i find attractive, i either stutter a lot or have way too much confidence.

59) do i prefer to be behind or in front of the camera: behind!

60) what was the last lie i told: i’m almost done with my summer projects

61) do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online: i like facetime even though i’m on pause a lot of the time

62) do i believe in ghosts/aliens: not ghosts, but i do believe in aliens

63) do i believe in magic: no because i know how it works

64) do i believe in luck: not really

65) what’s the weather like right now: hot as fuck

66) what was the last book i’ve read: history of the world in six glasses

67) do i like the smell of gasoline: not really

68) do i have any nicknames: mike, mikey, meekle (i hate that one), and monkey but only my mom can call me that

69) what was the worst injury i’ve ever had: i’ve been stabbed, i have the scar on my stomach and i have no idea how i lived

70) do i save money or spend it: depends on how much i have

71) can i touch my nose with my tongue: no

72) is there anything pink within ten feet of me: no

73) favorite animal: cat

74) what was i doing last night at 12 am: playing mario bros on the wii

75) what do i think satan’s last name is: what kind of question is this… idfk

76) what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it: every song puts me in my feelings, not really happy feelings, but idk

77) how can you win my heart: buy me food

78) what would i want written on my tombstone: game over in pixelated letters

79) what’s my favorite word: fuck

80) my top five blogs on tumblr: ryan stalvey, his boyfriend, my friend’s blog, my boyfriend’s blog, and ryan’s nsfw blog

81) if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say: get your shit together

82) do i have any relatives in jail: not that i know of

83) what super power would i chose: teleportation so i don’t have to worry about getting rides or paying for gas in the future

84) what would be a question i’d be afraid to tell the truth on: when i’m in the doctor’s office and they ask if i’m a virgin or if i’m sexually active and my mom’s in the room, i lie every single time

85) what’s my current desktop picture: i don’t have a computer but my phone’s screensaver is a grid of crystals

86) had sex: yup

87) bought condoms: yup

88) gotten pregnant: nope

89) failed a class: nope

90) kissed a boy: yes

91) kissed a girl: yes

92) have i ever kissed someone in the rain: not sure on that one

93) had a job: NO, I’M TRYING TO GET ONE BUT THE PLACE IS BEING DIFFICULT AS FUCK

94) left the house without my wallet: yeah

95) bullied someone on the internet: no, i’m not that shallow

96) had sex in public: oh god no

97) played on a sports team: yes

98) smoked weed: yup

99) did drugs: yeah?

100) smoked cigarettes: never have never will

101) drank alcohol: yes

102) am i a vegetarian or a vegan: HELL no

103) been overweight: practically my whole life

104) been underweight: nope

105) been to a wedding: yes

106) been on the computer for five hours straight: yeah

107) watched tv for five hours straight: yeah

108) been outside my home country: yes

109) gotten my heart broken: smh yeah but i did it to myself

110) been to a professional sports game: yes

111) broken a bone: no

112) cut myself: djfkwmdtkwo

113) been to prom: 8th grade prom

114) been on an airplane: yes

115) been in a helicopter: no

116) what concerts have i been two: p!nk the truth about love

117) had a crush on someone of the same sex: yes

118) learned/learning a new language: yes, spanish

119) wore make up: unfortunately

120) lost my virginity before i was eighteen: unfortunately

121) had/given oral sex: yes

122) dyed my hair: yes

123) voted in a presidential election: nah because all the candidates are trash now, but i was too young to vote for obama both terms

124) rode in an ambulance: yeah

125) had a surgery: not yet

126) met someone famous: yes

127) stalked someone on social media: yup

128) peed outside: yup

129) been fishing: yes

130) helped with charity: yeah but i hated it because the people were old and rude

131) been rejected by a crush: ohhh yeahhh it sucked

132) broken a mirror: no

133) what i want for my birthday: to start cross hormone therapy

[mageliberation]

29 Days: What is your Ryder’s name? Why did you pick this name - is there a meaning or origin story behind it? Do they go by any nicknames? What would you name their sibling, father and mother if you were able to choose?  

I’ve decided to go with Imani for my default Ryder. Imani is Swahili for Faith/Trust/Confidence. I chose this because I thought it was appropriate for someone who’s had the kind of life Pop!Ryder has had, along with what we know of the kind of future the Twin!Ryders will be pursuing, to have it be something that relayed a faith in humanity and the good we can achieve/strive for. Her middle name is Brei and her family [and exes], call her Brei or Brei Brei. I like the idea of Mama!Ryder being just as tough but way more playful than Pop!Ryder so I’d name Bro!Ryder Amani and her Khadija probably.

28 Days: Are you going to use the default appearance or create a custom Ryder? If custom, describe your Ryder’s physical appearance (hair color, eye color, skin color, height, weight, facial features, any scars or tattoos, racial origin, etc). If you have art and/or a face-claim, feel free to add them here.

If I have a choice I never play as a White person so I’ll def be changing the appearance of literally all of my Ryders. Imani is 6′2, has very dark Black skin, Brown Eyes, a runner's kind of lean muscle build, prominent cheekbones, deep dimples, stretch marks around her major joints from being an underweight child who grew into a hardy youth, straight white teeth, and keeps her hair in short finger coils with buzzed sides. She has some geometric blackwork tattoos reminiscent of Kente Cloth to harken back to her roots [African-American/Black]. Basically she looks like a darker version of Teyonah Parris, with Angela Bassett’s cheekbones, and dimples.

27 Days: Are you going to use the default appearance for Ryder’s sibling or customize them? Describe your ideas for their sibling’s and father’s physical appearance.

Um, no. Lmao, I would never. The Bro!Ryder for my default Ryder, I’d call him Amani] looks like a mix of Broderick Hunter and Adonis Bosso in my head. Dad!Ryder looks like a less fine Tyson Beckford. Mom Ryder prolly looks like a mix or Naomi Campbell and Tika Sumpter.

26 Days: Do you have a specific class profile or mix of class profiles in mind for Ryder?

I like playing as a Sniper Soldier. Idk how that’s fit with the new system but yeah that’s what I’m going with.

25 Days: Describe Ryder’s favorite combat style. Bioware call Peebee a “gunslinger” and describe Liam as a “close-range fighter” - how would you describe Ryder’s combat role/strengths? What are some of their favorite biotic/tech/other abilities?

I’d say Imani is a Long-Range specialist with Brawler capabilities. I’d say she likes the “One Man, One Bullet” Rule or if that’s not enough/effective she shoots from a distance to weaken shields enough to get in close for a melee finisher. The Omniblade, whether in melee or as a projectile is her favorite ability.  

24 Days: Which squadmates do you think will best compliment Ryder’s combat style? Alternatively, who do you plan to take out most in the field?

I’ll probably take Liam out the most since I want to romance him but really I won’t know until I play since I like to have a relatively balanced party. Maybe Jaal if he/they have biotics? Or Vetra and Cora since I love the idea of an all female squad and I kind of want to romance Cora w/ a Sis!Ryder even though I hate her haircut/color combo. I like muscular girls.

23 Days: Which weapons or category of weapons will Ryder prefer? Describe their favorite loadout.

Snipers and Assault rifles for sure are her preferred weapons of choice. Black Widow, Modded Assault Rifle, doesn’t matter for other two since she rarley ever uses them.

22 Days: Will Ryder craft? What are you most excited about crafting? Do you have any names in mind already for weapons?

She’ll def be crafting. I’m a little bit of an achievement hunter after I’ve beaten a game once. I’ll prob be focusing on ship and weapons upgrades my first go round since those are the ones I like the most.

21 Days: What are Ryder’s personality traits? Describe 5 strengths and 5 flaws.

Strength

1) Passionate - Imani feels deeply and expresses just as strongly.

2) Determined - She’s slow to get started but once decided it is very hard to sway her from whatever goal she’s set or decision she’s made.

3) Charming - She likes schmoozing and making people feel good about themselves and convincing others to see things her way.

4) Intelligent - Sharp all around she loves learning new things and listening to people talk about things they are knowledgeable about.

5) Compassionate - As a deeply empathetic person she feels deeply for others and will sacrifice for those around her.

Flaws

1) Divisive - Imani has strong opinions on a lot of things and can be dismissive of opinions she finds to be uninformed or positions she finds reprehensible, along with the people holding them.

2) Neurotic - She procrastinates until she doesn’t, and then she obsesses and goes through mood shifts based on her perception of her choices and their results.  

3) Obnoxious - Some find her to be “too much” or “too big” of a personality and if they do she’s quick to let them know exactly which part of her they can kiss.

4) Self-Righteous - Imani can admit that she’s wrong, on the rare occasion that she is, anyway.

5) Needy - She has always sought out the approval of those she cares about and who she admires, many times to the extent that it was a detriment ot her own well being.

20 Days: What first impressions does Ryder tend to give people? Do they have any ‘odd’ or specific mannerisms, habits or other quirks? How do they present and carry themselves?

Imani’s the kind of person that has such a big personality, in her speaking cadence, tonation, and content of what she’s saying, that people end up liking her partially because they actively want to. Reciprocal liking has been a major player in all of her relationships outside her family.

19 Days: Where would Ryder fall in the classic Paragon/Renegade morality system? What would their D&D alignment be? If you know their personality type in any personality typing systems (such as MBTI and Enneagram - you can find various type descriptions and tests using Google), feel free to add and discuss them here.

In the classic system I’d say she’d be a Paragon. In D&D she’d be Chaotic Good for sure. Malcolm X is one of her history heros. She believes in doing whatever is necessary and is a staunch opponent of the idea that violence against one’s oppressor is “just as bad” or “stooping to their level”. Seriously, you might have to catch her on the corner if you said that shit in her presence, or at the very least expect a verbal drop kick. Space Socialist, tbh.

18 Days: What qualities does Ryder like and dislike in other people? Are there any things they particularly appreciate or can’t stand?

Imani likes people who are giving and humble. She especially appreciates people who complement her ostentatiousness with quiet contemplation or careful word choosing. Both of her exes were the the somewhat stoic at first meeting but gold hearted and secretly funny once they warmed to you type. She doesn’t like people who are mean for fun or who are judgmental about material things. She can’t stand people chewing with their mouth open or who leave their hair all over the place in the bathroom [her ex-girlfriend]. She loves people who don’t mind doing dishes and who have tongue rings [both her ex-bf and gf for the last bit].

17 Days: List some of Ryder’s favorite things - colors, food, music, etc. Is there anything of this nature that they hate? Do they have any hobbies or skills outside of combat?

She hates tomatoes on burgers or in an unaltered state. She loves ceviche, salsa, and onions in general. Her favorite music is “Classical” [90s Earth American R&B] and she loves eating and cooking food as a hobby. Her main hobby is future Dungeons & Dragons. Her favorite colors are Black, Navy Blue, Pastel Yellow, Pastel Blue, Pastel Purple, Mint and White. She likes solid gold statement jewelry despite not wearing it much.

16 Days: How would Ryder define their sexuality?

She’s Bisexual.

15 Days: Delve into the Ryder family background - how is/was their relationship with their father, sibling and mother? Do they get along, hero worship, close twin connection, sibling rivalry, was it strained, was it distant, etc.

Imani’s relationship with her father has always been strained, honestly. He’s never given her praise without using the next breath to cut her down. His expectations have always been just high enough that they are nearly out of her reach until she gets close and he moves the goalpost. She and her brother have always been best friends and he often complained that she was bossy as a child despite doing as she asked anyways, mostly to tease her. Their mother was definitely the preferred parent for both twins. She was often stern but warm and encouraging at the same time. Even if she had similar expectations she never made the twins feel like she didn’t believe they couldn’t achieve them or that even if they didn’t she’d think any less of them.    

14 Days: Describe some important or formative events in Ryder’s history. How did these impact and shape them?

The visit to their mother’s home on Earth was a formative experience for both twins but especially for Imani. The idea that her mother could come from such a harsh reality and still end up being such a giving and compassionate person amazed her in her youth and made her want to do her best to grow into the kind of person her mother would respect even if they weren’t related. The second big formative event in her life was the loss of her ex-boyfriend, med student and first love, who was killed while doing medical volunteer work on a backwater frontier planet by Batarian slavers. They’d been together through university and had talked of marriage and a future together and the sudden loss has left her with lingering issues with abandonment and co-dependency. Which made her most recent formative experience of her latest long term romance with her girlfriend, a linguistic conservationist, who refused her ticket into the Andromeda Initiative especially devastating for her.      

13 Days: Why did Ryder join the Alliance military? Later on, what were Ryder’s reasons for signing up to the Andromeda Initiative? Were they seeking adventure (or glory, or a challenge), wanting a new start, running from something, following their family, trying to secure a future for humanity, did they simply feel railroaded into it, etc.

Imani joined the Alliance first and foremost because they would pay for her education. The Andromeda Initiative seemed to her like the opportunity to become the kind of space fairing coalition of races she’d glimpsed in her adolescent marathoning of the Old Earth vids “Star Trek”. The idea of being parted from her brother for the rest of her life being a loss she couldn’t accept only added to her determination to join up.

12 Days: How will Ryder feel upon waking up from cryo? Relieved, excited, scared, impatient to get going, lost, etc.

I think Imani will be both relieved and terrified. She realizes what a big undertaking trying to start fresh is and how many peoples hopes, wishes, futures, and dreams are firmly settled on her shoulders to actuate.

11 Days: Once in Andromeda, what are Ryder’s goals? What drives them?

Ryder wants to do exactly as the Andromeda Initiative has stated, in that she wants to find a new home for humanity and the other citadel races. Not only that but she wants this new home to be that aspirational City on A Hill. A true beacon of civilization in its equity, fairness, and compassion for all it’s citizens. Her goals are to do whatever is necessary to make that real.

10 Days: Will Ryder ever miss the Milky Way? What things and places will they miss most?

Ryder may have grew up on ships and space station but she’s an Earther at heart. She will always miss her home planet, that little ancestral home that her mother’s mother worked herself to the bone for, in that place that their ancestors were brought to, and the sound of the wind in the trees surrounding it at night. The burial ground of what she’d thought would one day be her future. The soft yellow of the sheets of the one who made her believe she could have one again. Also, craving for genuine Belizean food at that place near 38th street will probably plague her for the rest of her days.  

9 Days: Did Ryder have any notable friends or connections in the Milky Way? How about past relationships? Which friendship or relationship was the most significant to them?

She had many friends whom her heart will always ache for the want of their presence but none she could've said no to her posting for. Her ex-girlfriend, Mya, was alive and well when she left her, if heartbroken and handling it better than Imani. Their relationship had not been new but had not been as old as the one before it. Still they’d talked of a future together, or marriage, or a life shared.

8 Days: How does Ryder feel about aliens? Are they uncomfortable, wary, intrigued, curious, intimidated, not bothered, etc? In the Milky Way, where did they stand on humanity’s place in galactic society - Earth first, Terra Firma, human superiority, peaceful cooperation, pro-galactic integration & unity, etc? How will they feel upon discovering that there are sentient alien races in Andromeda?

Ryder generally feels that aliens are “people” in that their varied cultures and customs cannot be generalized as all good or all bad just as she would hope they would feel about humanity. Batarians in general are a sore spot for her though as most of their cultures venerate practices that her own ancestors fought to be free from and are still to this day dealing with the repercussions of. Which doesn’t even touch on the whole “Batarians killed one of the loves of my life” bit. Imani is a Unitarian and believed, similar to the Asari, that co-operation and unification of space fairing races was the best solution for extended peace and prosperity for all parties. Of course she is also still a socialist and didn’t think that the continuation of Capitalism as a Socio-Economic system in the continually advancing and already hyper advanced society they lived in was wise or sustainable for said goals of extended peace or prosperity.  

7 Days: Ryder’s father gave the twins informal N7 training in the past. How did Ryder feel about this (pressured, resentful, grateful, motivated, overworked, excited, etc)? What are their feelings on “N7” as a symbol? How do they relate to it, if at all?

Imani felt pressured into the training and was thus resentful of it despite feeling at the end of it that she was better prepared for what may come in the future of her career/life in general. Shepard was a mixed bag of inspiration for Imani growing up as she has always had a mixed set emotions about herself and those who serve in military arms of governments whatever their species. She could do without the propaganda of The Alliance and it’s Elite N7 program even though she can appreciate the good the Alliance has done/is doing. She refuses to allow Nationalism/Specieism/etc to cloud her vision from the realities of the atrocities that said arms have also taken part in/co-signed or in her own place as a potential participant.  

[kuchipatchi69]

aesthetic themed asks 😎 answer them all 😎

god ham ok

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?Today probably? I listen to music when I walk around campus so i kind of sing to myself

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?If I will be happy in the future lol

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?Actually making it to college

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?Everytime I go home and see my dogs lmao, i love them so much

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?I would do whatever I want tbh, no reason to not have a good time

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?uh!god i have no idea, im honestly winging it

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.Okay so we’ll do the Big Meme @chesapeakeripperWe’ve been friends for like, over 5 years and though we had a few falling outs, theyre literally my best friend lmao. Short, Salty, yet chill, and always a good time to hangout with. One of the only people I can spend more than a week with probably. Too edgy for their own good but has a compatible aesthetic and music taste. Edgy but loves folk music? A little shady, an asshole, yells at me for dabbing too much but then proceeds to dab or get mad when i dont take advantage of the good time to do it. ALSO the only person who i feel on the same level with rhythm games in general lmao

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?Oh yeah. My parents were good and I’ve realized how nice ive had it. We aren’t rich or anything but my parents always made sure we were comfortable.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Oh god i dont even know. OH NVM YEAH, I cried in front of my vocal teacher and I feel so much closer to her honestly.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.Ok not to be gay but ham probably lol I mean? I would feel at peace probably, because I can talk to him about anything and I wouldnt have to feel nervous or anything.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?Oh yeah, I’m an open book and Most new friends reach out to me when im having a rough time so

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?Either Ham or Cain? Idk it wasnt anything too deep lmaoW Cain we just shit talk or talk about mbmbam? or pkmn cards lets be real. Cain is my bff and ham is a good guy

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?FUCK IDK ID REALLY HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THISI’d probably tell my dad thank you and how much he meant to me

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?Great, I love them

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.“What” - anyone ever, I connect with it because I never know whats going on ever

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?“I’m out here”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?buy a lot of anime figures and also clothes and pokemon cards

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?IT DEPENDS! I can forgive people if I can see how genuine their apology is but if its something really shitty, then probably not lol

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.Are you seriousDear newly gay Sydney (I didn't start going by Sid until highschool so),I’m glad you cut your hair off, and I actually want to cut it again. I know you cut it because you were experimenting with gender stuff, which I’m also glad you did. You can stop being so edgy and a weeb? Also stop being so into yaoi it’s Really cringey to look back on (esp bc you wrote mpreg and I’m still not proud of it S M H). I don't really remember Middle School and I’m glad because you were in your scene phase and you tried way too hard, eventually became a compulsive liar and just manipulative overall.I’m a lot gayer and more comfortable now than you are, so try not to be so fake-depressed because the real thing will hit you in a few years and yeah, you’ll want to die but its fine. Everything’s okay. This is supposed to be 200 words but i dont give a shit so heres this.Your more gay, and less uptight self, Sid

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?Oh god, punk, but tired

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.I love tattoos and want to be covered in them, and I love piercings and want love them

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?idk why this is under piercings but okI do! but I also dont! I dont wear makeup 85% of the time but I have so much makeup and I love to put it on :’)

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.Y’all.... Fall out boy has literally been there for me through all my years and have been the band I go back and listen to because I didnt share their music with anyone, and It makes me feel like I can go back to before life was so hard

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.“Who gives a shit, my dude” 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.Jonas brothers (lmao)- I dont talk to the people I went with, my first concert, I didnt even plan to go lolFall Out Boy- Literally one of the best nights of my life and I got to spend it with my cousin and I’m so gladTwenty One Pilots- Though i dont really like them anymore, I became better friends with Maizie, who has literally had my heart for so long and I love her so much. I love both her and Jacob and wish I kept up better contact with them

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say????????????? idk 

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?My desk has: a makeup mirror, some cake, a lamp, pill bottles and anime figures. Its unorganized bc I dont work there

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?Lay down, turn on MBMBAM, and then play all of the puzzle games I have until I’m out of lives before going to sleep l m a o

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?I went to some guys house one time and he tried to get me to do coke (I didnt do it dont worry)

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?MY HAIR IS BRIGHT YELLOW RN I WANT IT TO BE CURLY THO

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?Cain, Ally, Maizie, Jacob and Julia probably. We could go somewhere spooky

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.To be happy-Idk im not as happy as I want to beTo be wanted- I have a lot of problems with self worth so To be happy w my appearance- Ive been overweight my whole life and I’ve always felt ugly lmao

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.Oh god I have no idea bc I usually just do makeup and go 

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?Drunk text people how sad I am

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?im not sure tbh

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?only see one person? Cain probably only bc we get along so well even tho we get on each others nerves lmao

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.BRO okay yeah I have, it ended BADLY and a lot of people know the story. Of both the platonic and not. idk tho, its a good feeling to know someone is there for you no matter what

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?yeah, I LOOK like a 12 year old boy but its fine lmao

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?Iced coffee, 6 pumps of simple syrup and half and half. Green tea smoothie or frap OR salted caramel hot chocolate. My orders are pretty normal so 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?God, my friends. They’ve helped me so much and I could not be more thankful because I’m going through such a hard time