#Like they’re frucking done!

[cyarsk52-20]

If sit down & rest for the next 4 years were a person. THIS IS HER 92percent

[kingofhearts709]

Prompt: bill and ted give each other haircuts

hello yes im sorry this is late but this is adorable and im happy to write this excellent prompt ❤️

A/N: SO! this came out SO MUCH LONGER than i expected. like i was just gonna cute-drabble it but then my brain was like "NO PERFECT CONCEPT MUST EAT IT." snd I'm very happy to have written it all. im setting this at like pre-excellent adventure.

anyways i hope you have a lovely day and to please enjoy this little thing 💓"

---

Ted blew his bangs out of his face for the fifth time since he'd sat down on Bill's bed, trying to focus on his comic and finding the ultimate difficulty in reading between the long strands. His hair almost reached past his shoulders, and Missy's abandoned scrunchies were starting to look most intriguing.

Bill was no better. Every time he ran his fingers through his hair, they wound up tangled. There was no way he'd be able to handle brushing it every single morning, but the habit of messing with his hair was too ingrained.

"Dude, we need haircuts," Bill grumbled as his forefinger caught on a twisty piece of fringe. "I'm gonna look like a seventies disco dude." Ted snickered at that, and Bill thwacked his chest lightly. "Shut up, Ted, I'm serious."

"Well, my dad won't even pay for a good haircut," Ted huffed, dropping his comic book and blowing his bangs away once more. "If he did, it'd be a buzz." He paused for a moment before suggesting, "You don't suppose Missy could cut our hair?" Bill let out a laugh.

"I would be most doubtful of her skills."

"Okay, well... How much do haircuts cost?"

"More than we can afford." Ted frowned and looked down. "My dad would probably just tell me to cut my hair myself if I asked." It went silent for a moment before a lightbulb lit up in Ted's brain, and he bounced on the bed with enthusiasm.

"...Well, why don't we?"

"Why don't we what, dude?"

"Cut our own hair!"

The idea thrown out to the wind sounded more than insane. Neither of them knew the first thing about cutting each other's hair, let alone their own.

But the thing about Bill and Ted was that, as long as they did it together, it was more than enough reason to say why not?

"Ted, my friend, your idea is definitely most forward-thinking!" Bill complimented, jumping up. "We both know what each other's hair looks like, so we'll totally be able to replicate it!"

The wide grin on Ted's face was enough to break it, jumping up with Bill and looking around.

"I'll go get hair stuff," Bill said as he rushed towards the door. "You get a chair set up." Ted nodded as Bill bolted from the room, going to the corner to grab an old twisty chair that they never used. It still twisted, and was just about the right height for cutting hair, it seemed.

Ted was testing the chair by spinning in fast circles when Bill came back in with a pair of kitchen scissors and two huge towels. He swayed a little as he regained his normal vision from spinning, seeing that Bill was also carrying a spray bottle filled with water, a brush and comb, and a tube of hair product.

"I grabbed some other stuff from Missy's counter, too," Bill said as he dropped it all down on the bed. He picked up the tube and read it, "Something called...'Gar-near Fruck-tiss.' The instructions say it makes your hair smooth." Ted gave an intrigued head tilt before giving a nod and a smile.

"Well, dude, smooth me!" Ted joked, and Bill gave him a look before they found themselves air-guitaring.

Bill wrapped one of the towels around Ted's neck and shoulders, making sure he pulled his hair out from underneath. Bill leant down to assess it, squinting to see if it would help him decide on a course of correct action.

"How short should I cut it, dude?" Bill finally asked. Ted brought up a hand and hovered it palm down before holding it right where his chin ended as reference, and Bill nodded, picking up the spray bottle and spraying Ted's entire head all over until his hair went damp through.

"Bill, you are most concentrated," Ted hummed as Bill ran the comb through his hair to measure it down. It was already frayed from whenever his last haircut had been, it seemed. "Do you actually know what you're doing?"

"Uh...," Bill hummed, shrugging. "I used to watch my mom get her hair cut before when I was a little kid, I guess. They always wet your hair and then do this trippy snippy thing."

Ted snorted as Bill snipped the scissors a couple of times in the air before diving into Ted's hair, holding the length to cut off between his fingers and slowly scissoring away.

It was quiet while Bill worked on his hair, Ted doing his best to keep still, even if he really wanted to turn his head and see exactly what was happening. The only sounds filling the room were Bill walking around him and the snip of the scissors.

As soon as Bill cut off the last edge of Ted's hair, he stepped back and studied his work, furrowing his brows before grinning.

"Dude, I totally nailed you!" he exclaimed, and the redness to Ted's cheeks caused him to add on, "Uh- Your hair, I mean. It looks most bodacious." Ted looked around the room frantically for any reflection, and jumped when Bill held up a mirror in front of his face.

Bill really had done an excellent job. His hair was back to its regular length, hanging right around his chin. His bangs were still a problem, though, and he looked over at Bill and gestured to them.

"Oh, dude, yeah," Bill huffed as he dropped the mirror back where he'd grabbed it and picked up the scissors again. "Sorry, Ted, I forgot your main problem is your egregiously long bangs."

"They're like curtains for my face, duder," Ted hummed as Bill began to separate the bangs from the rest of his hair. He cursed when he grabbed too much of Ted's already-trimmed sections before Ted spoke up, "Oh, dude, grab one of Missy's scrunchies!" Bill raised a brow before following Ted's gaze to the bedside table, where about four of Missy's scrunchies were sitting. How they got there, Bill personally didn't want to think about it. Regardless, he went over to grab one and handed it over to Ted so he could pull his hair back and let Bill have full reign on his bangs.

"Where do they usually end?" he asked as he eyeballed possible measurements with his fingers. His face wasn't unreasonably close to Ted's, considering the circumstances, but it still made Ted nervous.

"Just, like, enough so I can see okay, I guess," Ted said, and Bill nodded as he took the comb and brushed his bangs even before sticking the handle in between his teeth and bringing the scissors up.

At this angle, Ted could see Bill's entire process as he watched his hair being snipped off. The way his face was scrunched in concentration, his gentle movements to make sure he wasn't tugging Ted's head any direction.

He didn't realise Bill was finished until he saw his reflection in the mirror when it was held up.

He looked good, if not better than before, with Bill's handiwork.

"How'd I do, dude?" Bill asked, and Ted reached up to touch his already drying hair. "Want me to put the Fruck-tiss in it?"

"Uh- Yeah, dude, sure." Ted looked over to see Bill grabbing the tube and opening it up, squirting a generous amount into his palm. "Do I have to wash it out?"

"Uh...," Bill turned the tube in his hand and scrunched his nose, shaking his head. "It says to leave in for fifteen minutes and your hair will be, 'smooth and sleek.'" He looked up. "Ready?"

"Yeah, Bill."

After a moment, Ted felt Bill's hands and fingers running right through his hair, keeping away from his scalp as per the instructions on the tube. It was smooth and gentle and overall intimate the way Bill paid careful attention to Ted's hair, running his fingers through. He might've put too much product in, but they could always wash it out if needed.

"Alright!" Bill said when the product was more or less incorporated. "You have been fully transformed into your most authentic self, my friend!"

"Dude, excellent!" Ted said as Bill took the towel off of him, trying not to get the hair everywhere (it already was, but that was beside the point). "My turn, Bill!" Ted stood up and took an exaggerated bow towards the twisty chair, gesturing for Bill to take a seat. Bill bowed back before dropping down and smiling.

Ted mimicked his actions from earlier, draping the towel around his neck and grabbing the spray bottle. However, Bill's hair was curly and almost like a jewfro, and he briefly wondered how he was going to cut it down.

"Dude, I don't think water is going to help," Ted said as he looked around at Bill's head. "You do have one stellar mullet now, but the rest is growing up." Hesitantly, he ran his fingers gently through Bill's curly hair, feeling just how insanely tangled it was. Bill briefly shivered at the motion, telling himself internally to just relax.

He'd already cut Ted's hair, so he should know what to expect, but still, the shock of actually feeling Ted's hands and fingers gave him the most unusual of feelings in his chest. He wasn't necessarily sure if they were nerves or emotions, but either way, it sent a shiver down his spine every time Ted's skin connected to him.

Bill bit the inside of his cheek as Ted stuck his tongue out and tested a single lock of hair, snipping off the end before grinning, nodding as he started to continue.

"Dude, it's like trimming a bush!" he laughed as he went all around, mimicking Bill once more by holding each lock between his fingers. Bill's blond hair fell and separated with each snip that the scissors gave. Ted's movements were slow and calculated, his genuine care for making sure he cut Bill's hair in the most correct way making Bill feel a little more than special.

It took Ted longer than it took Bill to finish up, giving a lock one last cut before jumping back and grinning as he crossed his arms.

"Dude, how is it?" Bill asked, gesturing. "Gimme that mirror!" Ted straightened up as he remembered, turning in a couple of circles before picking it up off the the bed and holding it up.

Ted hadn't done a terrible job, he had to admit. He turned his head back and forth, his smile growing as he saw Ted show up behind him in the reflection. He took a hand and ran it through his hair front to back.

It took Bill a second before he concluded that Ted forgot to cut off his mullet, and he grinned with a scoff.

"Dude, you totally missed the back," Bill said, his hand flipping the hair in Ted's view. Ted frowned as he stood up straight and tilted his head.

"Did I, dude?" he raised his eyebrows, reaching down to move Bill's away and examine it. "Bill, if I might be totally honest, you have always had this mullet, though I will admit it's much longer than normal..."

"No way, dude," Bill rolled his eyes in response. "Gimme those scissors." He reached back to grab the utensil from Bill's hand, a most dangerous risk. Ted, however, held back the pair with a grin.

"Dude, you'll be a total mullet-head!" Ted laughed as he turned and jumped up on the bed, knocking a couple of the items onto the floor. Bill spun around in his seat and looked at the scissors clasped wrong-way-up in Ted's fist.

Bill eyed him for a long moment before bolting up from the chair in a lunge, a total disregard for all those 'safety with scissors' rules from grade school. Ted leaped off the bed for the corner, Bill chasing him there. They could only run around in the small confines of Bill's room, so there weren't many places for Ted to go, nor space to make between himself and Bill.

It became apparent when Ted got onto the bed again and Bill fully tackled him so he had him trapped underneath.

Ted was still laughing even when Bill had him pinned by the wrists and was currently looking down on him with the most fondest of looks, a huge smile gracing his entire face.

"Dude," Ted said through chuckles as he flipped his newly cut bangs away from his eyes, "you look definitively bodacious with your mullet. I think you should keep it." Bill tilted his head.

"Ted, my friend, there is nothing in your head that could ever convince me." Ted let out a laugh before he looked at it over Bill's shoulder, comtemplating.

"I like it on you, dude."

It didn't take long for Bill's brain to immediately agree with that statement.

"You think so, dude?" Bill found himself asking, and Ted looked back to Bill's face, smiling with a nod.

"Most triumphantly." The words put a smile on his own lips, and the warm, butterfly-feeling in his chest was new but most definitely welcome as he squeezed Ted's wrists.

"Well, then, Ted, my most excellent and esteemed partner, I suppose I must keep it just for you."

[atombooks]

Home Girl

1

Trading Places

‘He’s a perv!’ I yelled. I fixed my seat belt while switching the car radio to a grime station. I knew she hated that. ‘Why don’t you believe me?’

Louise looked at me like she wanted to give me a koof. But she couldn’t. She was my social wanker. She had issues start-ing the car. Her hands shook. ‘He says he was only standing outside the bathroom with your towel,’ she said.

‘Every time I step into the bathroom he’s paedophiling around,’ I spat. ‘Have I got my shampoo? Have I got my bubble bath? Have I got my soap? Does he think I’m dumb enough to step into the bathroom without my tings? I’m telling you he’s a perv with a big prick P!’

Louise finally started the engine. She sucked in a nervous breath. She always did that when I dropped curses on her bony behind. ‘He . . . he says he was only trying to help,’ she stuttered.

‘Jack up your ears, Louise! He’s not helping me. I know the mission he’s on. I can bring my own stuff to the bathroom.’

Winding down her window, Louise blazed a fagarette. She pulled on it like she wanted to kill it with one drag. She looked out to the street. A hood- slug wearing a black hoodie walked a pit- bull. She pulled away. This was the east ends of Ashburton where even the hounds peeped over their shoul-ders and paused before stepping around corners. I watched Louise puff her smoke out of the window. By the angle of her brows I guessed she wanted to be at home sinking red wine and watching a Bridget Jones movie. She screwed up her face.

‘Can I have one?’ I asked.

‘No!’

‘Why not? You know I fire up anyway.’

‘You’re not smoking while you’re with me.’

‘And you’re not supposed to be blazing in the ride with me.’ Louise pulled on her cancer stick once more. She then blew out the window and stubbed it out. She placed the remaining half in her glove compartment.

At my feet was my banged- up cuddly meerkat toy. Its mouth was lengthened by a tear, one claw was missing on the left paw and one eye was looser than the other. I picked it up and placed it on my lap. I stroked it twice and smiled at it. Memories.

I threw Louise an evil eye- pass. Lily Allen’s Smile crackled from the car radio. No bass. Louise turned down the volume. I turned it back up even louder. Louise knew she was gonna lose this game. She gave me one of those really glances and shook her head.

‘Where’re you taking me?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know yet.’

‘Don’t know? The moon’s showing her dimples. Some social worker you are.’

‘Playing little Miss Madam everywhere I take you doesn’t help. I’m fast running out of options.’

‘Not my fault you always place me with freaks and prick fiddlers.’

‘The Holmans have been fostering children in Ashburton for over twenty years. They’re very dependable. No one has ever made a complaint about them before  . . . until this evening.’

‘All the other kids must’ve been too scared to spill some-thing,’ I said. ‘She was always trying to hug me. What’s that about? Always up in my face she was with her welcome- to- The- X-Factor smile.’

An image of my mum bust an entry into my head. I remembered her smile. I tried to erase it but I couldn’t. ‘Is everything all right, Naomi?’ I took the piss. ‘Monkey on mar-bles! I lost count of how many times she asked me that. She made the hairs on my arms wanna leave me. And then him! Kim warned me about bad- minded men like him. Anything you want, Naomi, sweetheart. Just ask. I knew what he wanted. If he got any closer I would’ve clanged him with the biggest no- entry sign I could find.’

‘Are you sure of that, Naomi?’ Louise asked. ‘They were only trying to be friendly. And I’ve told you before, you shouldn’t listen to everything Kim says.’

Even then Louise didn’t believe me. Her casserole didn’t have any dumplings. What did I have to do to make this woman see the pig in the sky?

‘The other day I was watching Titanic,’ I said. ‘I always leak tears when I watch that part when Leo sinks into the sea. She comes over and hugs me like I agreed to be her Surrey Gate mum. I told her if she pollutes my personal space again I’m gonna clong her with a casserole pot when she’s sleeping. When I finish with her she’ll still be seeing tweety birds when she’s having her varicose veins done. I’m telling ya, Louise, they’ve got something of asylum ward twenty- one about ’em.’

Louise kept quiet. Maybe the truth finally slapped her sensible spot.

‘I’m hungry,’ I said. I wasn’t lying. My stomach snorted. ‘Where’re you taking me? And I don’t wanna go no Alabama Chicken Cottage or Mississippi Hen Hut. Their chicken is off- key.’

Louise didn’t answer. She kept her eyes on the road. Ten minutes later, she pulled into the car park of a McDs restau-rant on the Ashburton ring road. She took out a five- pound note from her purse. I liberated it from her, picked up my meerkat and was gone before Louise could say the N of Naomi. I looked back when I reached the McDs entrance. Louise shook her head, took out her mobile phone from her handbag and punched a number. She retrieved her half- smoked cigarette from the glove compartment, sparked it and looked out the window.

I had just sunk the last morsel of a cheese quarter- pounder when Louise parked her slim butt opposite me. She looked like she had joined in on one of those charity fun- runs but her fitness wasn’t up to spec. ‘Your man not coming around tonight?’ I asked.

‘Leave it, Naomi.’

‘He might be cheating on ya, goring someone else.’

‘Naomi!’

‘If that was me I’d churn his balls with one of those food blitzer things when he’s sleeping.’

Through a straw I sucked my chocolate milkshake trying to roadblock a giggle. I couldn’t quite manage it. A spattering of chocolate spewed out over the table and over Louise’s brown leather jacket. A passing black teenage girl carrying a tray of burgers and fries laughed out loud. I put my drink down and wiped my mouth and nose with the back of my hand. Louise’s eyebrows switched forty- five degrees and something funny happened to her lips. She was on the edge of the cliff wearing five- inch- high stilettos. I might’ve gone too far.

‘Sorry,’ I said.

Louise huffed and puffed to the counter. She returned moments later with a handful of napkins and a coffee. I had wiped the table clean. I leant back into my seat with my meer-kat squashed between my arms and stomach.

Louise groped for her phone in her jeans pocket. She closed her eyes and took in two mega breaths. She scoped me hard. ‘Would you mind staying for a week of two with a black family?’ she suggested. ‘I was thinking of this second- generation British, West Indian family. It’s not ideal but it won’t be for long. Just until I can place you somewhere more suitable.’

‘A black family?’

Monkey on ball- bearings. What’s she on?

‘Yes,’ Louise nodded. ‘As I said, only for a short while.

They’re very good. And you’ve got black friends you get on very well with.’

I shrugged. This is new. It could be interesting. ‘I s’pose. As long as they’re not too hugalicious or prick fiddlers.’

Louise jabbed her mobile. I watched her every move. She picked up her coffee and walked out of the restaurant. She kept an eye on me through the window. What’s the frucking point? She’s gonna give me the lowdown anyway.

I hot- toed outside to join her. Louise turned her back on me. ‘Put it on speaker,’ I urged.

Louise ignored me.

‘It’s about me, right? Put it on speaker.’

Louise did what she was told.

‘Hello? Hello, Colleen, it’s Louise. Thank God you’re in.’ ‘Hi, Louise. Everything good with you?’

‘Not exactly. I’m in a spot.’

‘Oh, what’s up?’

‘Can you do me a big favour? I have tried everybody else and I’m fast running out of options. I know it’s late in the day but I really need your help.’

‘It’s after eight so—’

‘I have an emergency case,’ Louise interrupted. ‘I really need an emergency foster carer for the next two weeks or so until I can find somewhere permanent.’

‘Two weeks is no problem. I’ll just clean up our spare bed-room. I haven’t used it for a while. Anything about the case I need to know? I’m not having you shove any self- harmers our way without you telling us. That last case really scared the kids. Tony had to give the bedroom walls a new coat of paint.’

Louise offered me a worried glance before she replied. I made a face at her.

‘No, nothing like that,’ Louise replied. ‘Well, er, there’s something but we’ll talk about it when I arrive. That last case, I didn’t even know she was a self- harmer. It wasn’t on her file and she didn’t have any scars on her arms.’

‘You should’ve looked at her legs.’

‘I know that now. I’m so sorry, my mistake.’

‘Who’s loving razor blades?’ I wanted to know. ‘Is it Taneka Taylor who used to be at the unit? Her life was always on a detour.’

Louise covered her phone with her hand. ‘Not now, Naomi.’ ‘So how do you know this emergency case isn’t a self- harmer?’ Colleen wanted confirmation.

‘I have known the case for a while.’

‘I’m not a fricking case,’ I raised my voice. ‘I’ve got a name. Naomi Brisset.’

Louise side- eyed me. She was back on the edge of the cliff. ‘How old?’ asked Colleen.

‘Fourteen.’

Louise eye- drilled me.

‘Going on twenty- nine,’ she resumed. ‘There’s something you should know.’

‘Oh? What’s that?’

‘She’s Caucasian. Normally I wouldn’t . . . ’

What the fruck is Caucasian? Why’s Louise talking all foreign all of a sudden?

I gave Louise one of my best what the freak you’re talking about glares. Silence for ten seconds.

‘Can I call you back in a minute, Colleen?’ said Louise. ‘I won’t be long.’

Louise spot- lit me for five seconds without leaking a word. Her eyes were desperate. ‘So, are you really OK staying with a black family? It’s either that or the secure unit. I’d rather you stay with a foster family—’

‘I’m not going back to the secure unit!’ I squeezed my meer-kat close to my stomach. ‘Can’t stand the staff there. Hate ’em.’

‘Do you really hate them, Naomi? You were a bit tearful when you left.’

‘That’s cos I was leaving Kim and Nats. They’re my best friends.’

‘Hmmm,’ Louise mumbled. She was never sweet on Kim and Nats. ‘So what do you think about staying with a black family? It wouldn’t be for long.’

‘They got kids?’ I asked.

‘Yes, they have,’ nodded Louise.

‘How old?’

‘Sharyna’s ten and Pablo’s six. They were adopted. They used to be in the care system.’

‘You were their social worker?’

‘Yes. Please give me an answer, Naomi. I haven’t got all night.’

‘Wanna wheel home before your boyfriend gets pissed on waiting for ya and hits on someone else?’

‘Naomi!’

I thought about it. A black family. They’ll definitely be cooler than the Holmans. They might let me blaze a rocket. The mum might be able to put plaits in my hair like Solange Knowles. They could get my dancing on point. Might learn some top-ranking insults like those black chicks at my last school.

I smiled. ‘Yeah. I’m good to play this game.’

‘Are you sure? I don’t want you accusing me of not listening to your opinion before a placement again.’

She was right on that one.

‘I suppose so,’ I said. ‘Unless you wanna give me my own place. I’ll be good on my lonesome. Dunno why you’re always munching your knickers about it when I bring it up. When I’m fifteen I’ll meet a sweet bruv and we can make a life—’

Louise had her really face back on.

‘How many times do I have to tell you, Naomi?’ she said.

‘You’re a minor. The local council are responsible for you until you reach eighteen.’

‘They didn’t call me a minor when I looked after my dad!’ Shaking her head, Louise stepped away. She jabbed the redial button on her phone. ‘Hello, it’s Louise again.’

It was still on speaker.

‘Hi again, Louise.’

‘I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, Colleen, but I have two emergency foster carers on holiday and another who’s about to give birth. It’s not a problem that my case is Caucasian, is it? Her name’s Naomi. Naomi Brisset.’

‘Naomi,’ repeated Colleen. ‘Nice name.’

I curled a grin. Of course it’s a nice name. My mum gave me it.

‘Tell her I was named after Naomi Watts,’ I said. ‘She was in King Kong and a horror movie.’

Louise ignored me. ‘Will Tony be all right with, er, you know?’ she asked.

‘Course,’ Colleen replied. ‘Won’t bother him at all. He’ll  be cool.’

‘You sure?’ Louise pressed again. ‘It’s just that Tony has always made a point about wanting to foster black children.’

‘He wants to help all kids,’ Colleen insisted.

‘OK, Colleen,’ Louise nodded. She breathed out relief. ‘We’ll be around in half an hour or so.’

‘Hold on, hold on,’ Colleen said. ‘Any dietary requirements I should know about? Remember last year? You sent us that kid who wouldn’t eat rice, potatoes, meat or anything with seasoning in it.’

‘Naomi’s not fussy about her food. I have her file with me.’

‘I don’t like mince,’ I called out. ‘Reminds me of worms. No shepherd’s pie either. Oh, and I don’t like macaroni cheese. That reminds me of yellow worms.’

Louise offered me a seal- your- gums glare.

‘Looking forward to meeting her,’ said Colleen after a pause. We returned to McDs. Louise sipped on her coffee and sank into her seat. ‘Seems like Colleen’s looking forward to meeting you,’ she said.

‘Why wouldn’t she?’ I grinned. ‘I’m lovable.’

I hugged my meerkat tight.

[liv-andletdie]

magicalgirlsnowwhite replied to your chat Me: What did you think of my fic mum? Mum: He was...

YOU NEGLECTED TO SAY SHE SAID “GAGGING FOR IT” I’M GONNA PISS MYSELF

She also said he was desperate then asked if they’d already done it in the context of the story like THEY’RE GROWN ADULTS ANDREA WHO THE FRUCK KNOWS!?