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the-mira-life-project-mtf · 6 years ago

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STEP ONE IS DONE (My MtF HRT Journey)

HOW IT ALL BEGAN...

Back in November of 2017, I made the decision to begin HRT after researching my fate if I began hormone therapy. It was a frightening moment as I sat in my car in a Walmart parking lot in Port Orchard (far away from my family) listening to the pounding rain as I held the phone in my hand. I was scared, I did not what to expect. ‘Was I doing this because of a fad, or a runaway LGBT movement? Was I doing this because since I was a child, I was fascinated with gender transformation...dysphoric due to my non-matching appearance.’

Just dial the number! Get it over with!

I punched the numbers...all 10 of them...and hovered my index over send. I closed my eyes as I let the rain carry me away and with a tap, the number was dialed and the phone was ringing. There was no turning back now! I placed the phone to my ear and waited...my throat tighter then a Gatorade bottle-cap on a hot summer day. The line was answered and this was where my story began...almost...

I called at the wrong time...Cedar River Clinics was not taking any more patients and the wait list was open in February...I would have to wait another 4 months. I wrestled with my fears as the days fell away and February came and the days came and gone. I wondered: ‘Could this be a sign that it was never meant to be?’ There was only one way to find out...but I could not find the courage to go through it all again.

Hospitalization isolated me from the world and I spent many hours debating and going over the pros and cons. Devising psychology tests to see if my desires were based either on body dysphoria, gender dysphoria or sexual dysphoria...and it was all of the above. I made a gamble with myself that if I was discharged from the hospital...I would not call, if I was admitted for another day...then I would call. It was up to fate.

With the word that I was going to be in the hospital for another five days...it was all the signs I needed. I dialed the number again and spoke with the receptionist on the other end as I was put on the books to be assessed...but not til May of 2018...another 4 months!

MTF HRT AT CEDAR RIVERS~TACOMA...

To say the least...it did not go well. I was so over prepared and the doctor (Dr. Marsh) was assessing me as an candidate for HRT...we did not get along!

Dr. Herrington was the second to assess me and we got along quite well as I chose to take the long way. Everything oral at the lowest dose possible. At the time, I had chosen a Gender Nonconforming title that over time would morph into a Gender Fluid title as I became comfortable with my transforming body.

For two months...nothing happened...well, except that my libido went first, which I was okay with. I was becoming discouraged as I continued to swallow my pills daily. Then, in June of 2018...my breasts began aching and hurting as I entered a budding stage. It was actually happening! I was changing!

Over time, I played this back-and-forth game with my HRT, hospitalization would stop the therapy and I become depressed. I begin and have to deal with the pain of changing...it is surprising that I did not become clinically depressed!

With another visit with Dr. Marsh (she seemed in a better mood this time), my therapy continued with the changing of estradiol patches to estradiol pills. This would be the last time I would see her as my care was shifted to an awesome doctor named Dr. Khattar. It was a welcome relief as I began opening up to him about my mental image of the anima I named ‘Mira’.

By the time it was October of 2018, I desired a more drastic transformation, to appear almost female...as if I was now transgender. I despised my male appearance and wanted the female appearance I thought of since I was seven years old.

By November, my health began to take a nose-dive and I was concerned that the therapy was affecting my CF and asthma. I spoke with Dr. Khattar about it, but he did not know of any medical reason to be concerned and dismissed the concern. Again, in January...I brought it up again...as I was popping in-and-out of hospitals like a gofer in the ground. By March of 2019...he became somewhat concerned about the rapid lung disease...but did not have the skills to assess the situation. I asked back in January if it would be appropriate to seek a doctor who specializes in transgender health and he said yes.

Only problem...finding a PCP who specializes in Transgender Care is like Abraham seeking that one righteous soul in Sodom and Gomorrah...it is almost impossible.

SEEKING A TRANSGENDER PCP CARE DOCTOR...

I began searching the web for transgender ‘friendly’ doctors (as I was certain my own PCP isn’t transgender friendly...and I did not want to put our relationship in a bad place by asking) and found...nothing! Widening my search, I finally found a program that was tailored to transgender care...

This was a godsend as this was what I needed to find...I also looked at the UW’s transgender program...but it was useless in my search for a local provider. And their web browser was...discombobulated. It would seem that only Virginia Mason was the only provider that offered medical services and I was thinking: ‘If I do consider ‘surgical’ modifications...this might be a good start’ as my only other option was:

Oregon Health & Science University has a pretty comprehensive program like Virginia Mason; except that they also perform SRS surgery (which is still forbidden here in Washington); and if I wish to follow this path to correction, there services would be needed...only problem, OHSU is almost 400 miles away! So, it was Virginia Mason...Step One...

As I began to research in the services and providers, I was enlightened, but confused: It seemed they offered facial plastic surgery (which was considered), primary care with a PCP, voice feminization, breast augmentation, orchiectomy and even laser hair removal (which I need for the face). There services were far beyond the reach of Cedar River and having their services would open further transformation.

Now came the hardest part...finding a doctor. I have pretty good insurance, but medicare will only get you so far. Then, there is the possibility that they are out of network. Or they don’t take Medicare. The possibilities for error were endless. I narrowed my search to the closest clinic to me: Bainbridge Island Clinic. Yes, it was almost 1 hour away...it was better then going all the way to Seattle or Kirkland! So this narrowed the field of candidates down to two:

So the first candidate was Dr. Tomberg. His ratings were good; 4.9 out of 5 with 262 patients rating. His background states that his specialties are in Family Medicine, Primary Care, Pediatrics, Preventive Medicine and Transgender Health.

The second candidate was Dr. Worth. Her ratings were also good; 4.9 out of 5 with 261 patients rating. Her background states that her specialties are in Family Medicine, Primary Care, Pediatrics, Preventive Medicine and Transgender Health...just like Dr. Tomberg...they were almost identical!

With all my research completed (and even using this path in my fictional story ‘SRS- A Realistic Transgender Transformation’) (https://mtfhrtnonconformadvocate.tumblr.com/post/181005815302/srs-a-realistic-transgender-transformation-part), I was greatly hesitant to seek further care as I always thought I could manage my HRT on my own. But with female traits coming in...I thought long term:

SRS to finalize my transformation?

What about mammograms?

Hormone balancing?

Trans-woman problems?

The more I considered the possibilities, that more clear it became...I needed a transgender friendly doctor who could manage, maintain and further my care. The only problem...I had to call...

MAKING THAT CALL...

On March 23 2019; I finally made the decision to call Virginia Mason and see if I can be seen. I spent much of the morning telling myself I was going to call, even wrote a blog-post about calling...but I did not put the plan into action until 3:40pm. I sat in my room, here at my second home, debating my call and tired of the stress I was causing myself, I took my phone and was ready to call. I however stopped as I found an excuse not to call...I needed my insurance card. That was in my car and I thought it would be symbolic to call while in the same car...except, things changed!

As I pulled out my insurance card and selected my phone, my adopted father, Mitch pulled into the driveway and parked. I was hoping to make this call alone, as I knew how Mitch felt about his gay son, and turned off my phone. Talking for a few minutes, I returned back to my room and sat on my bed and toiled over my phone. I took my tablet and computer and pulled up Virginia Mason’s web-page and swallowed my fear as I selected Dr. Worth’s number on my phone.

If it was possible, I wanted to be seen by Dr. Worth. As a transgender male-to-female, I do not want another guy messing around with me...it just does not make me feel comfortable.Even my relationship with Dr. Khattar is stressed...just because he is a male...and I don’t feel right talking about sexuality, breasts, feminization with him. Would I be comfortable with a woman? Well, I was pretty open with Dr. Herrington and on the second round, even Dr. Marsh! It was like woman-to-woman speaking, if that makes sense. Would I share this same relationship with Dr. Worth...I do not know.

With the phone ringing, I get an automated answering machine that gives me two options: Call to schedule or call to refer. Pressing the number 1, I am patched to the Bainbridge Island Clinic as I introduce myself. At the moment, I wonder: ‘Do I use my legal name or my transgender name?’ Considering billing and insurance purposes, I choose my legal name, knowing I can always add ‘Mira’ once the insurance is sorted out.

As the words: Regarding Transgender Services slipped from my lips, I could not believe who easy they came out...no hesitation...I have certainly changed! The receptionist was very polite as she took my name, birthday, address and then asked...

“Which gender do you go by?”

“Ah...” I stammered as I thought of the label “...I prefer gender nonconforming...” which was wrong as I am closer to being gender fluid and even simply just transgender now. This seemed to be the key word as I gently guided the conversation.

“Would you be okay seeing a PA or MD?”

“MD would be preferable, but if seeing a PA means getting in sooner, that would work, just think seeing a MD would be sensible considering my condition.”

“Would you prefer a male or female?”

Well, I did not want to be sexist and say male, and I did not want to seem like an exhibitionist and say female...I stated clearly. “Female...I was hoping to be seen by Dr. Worth if possible...”

“Ah...” there is a pause as she looks for a slot “...Doctor Worth isn’t seeing any new patients...”

“I checked your website, my choices are between Dr. Tomberg and Dr. Worth, so my choices are kinda...limited, being transgender and seeking a transgender friendly physician.”

That must have worked as she stated, “Well, she is accepting only new transgender patients...I need to give the Transgender Department a call, can I put on hold?” I agreed as there was still hope. If I took the PA, I would have landed an appointment on April 22nd, with the doctor, I expect no earlier then May, as most physicians only book 3 months in advance. “Sorry for the delay; so I passed on your information and they will be giving you a call on Monday to schedule an appointment, after Dr. Worth’s staff have a moment to review your request...”

What does that even mean? I take the news as one step closer...Monday is only three days away! I agree to the terms and when I hang up, I can’t believe I did it. I called Virginia Mason, (in the book I went to Bainbridge in person) and might get to see Dr. Worth...we will see...

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