#Leliana is like 'yeah I knew where she was the whole time wanna write her a letter? we're in touch constantly she's busy leave her alone'

[moghedien]

Shipping Cassandra and Leliana is so funny because I feel like the only people who actually do it have either only played Inquisition or don't think much past "Well they're the Left and Right Hands of the Divine" because you KNOW they only get along to the extent they do in Inquisition because they've never had an actual conversation because the second Leliana opened her mouth about her theology in front of Cassandra, they would have been trying to strangle each other

[abbeyfangirl]

dragon age: all characters (companions)

I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)

Origins

Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.

Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum. 

Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.

Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so. 

Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)

Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.

Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.

Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.

Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.

Awakening

Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.

Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.

Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—

Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.

Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.

Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*

Dragon Age II

Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—

Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.

Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.

Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—

Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.

Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.

Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.

Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—

Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.

Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?

Inquisition

Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.

Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”

The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.

Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.

Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.

Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.

Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.

Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)

Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.

Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.

Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)

Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.

[commanderlurker]

Monday

I wrote out that office au...

3,300 words of first person stream of consciousness. Get in.

*

Fucking shit balls, why is Monday a thing. Damn, gotta go to bed earlier. Can’t be feeling like this every morning. And why is this lift always so slow. Jesus ascended to Heaven faster than this.

“Good morning.”

“Oh, hey Cassandra. How are--” Right fine. Take the stairs. Like always. She’ll beat me up there anyway. Come on it’s going to be lunch time before--

*ding*

Right. Thank you.

Ah, and here we are. Look at this glorious office. All filled with desks and the desks filled with drones. Not yet though. Looks like I’m the only one here. Oh, no there’s Varric.

“Morning, Lou!”

“Morning, Varric!” Fuck I love Varric. Only reason I stay here, to be honest. Always with a smile on his face. He fucking loves life. Glad someone does. Jesus, I need a coffee. Mail first. Gotta open all that mail.

Shit. Look at it all. Thought it was crazy that we had a whole room dedicated to mail at first, but turns out there’s a lot. All forms that’ve been taped and glued and stuck together with who knows what. Mondays are the worst. All that mail from Saturday. God. At least Bull’s on Monday mail. Yeah.

Cool, cool. Leliana’s at the head of the table, like always. Doesn't look like she wants to stab someone so that’s good. All the usuals. Sera, Vivienne, Blackwall, Cassandra, and-- no Bull. Where’s Bull? Shit. The highlight of my fucking day. God. Should I ask? No. Don’t want to seem desperate. Just open the fucking mail.

There’s so much of it. Vivienne’s got the best staple puller too. Damnit. Should’ve taken the stairs, then I’d’ve gotten here sooner.

“How’d your tree chopping go, Blackwall?” Trust Sera to be chatty.

Fucking weekend talk.

“Good.” Nice. To the point. I knew there was a reason I liked Blackwall. Weird name though. Never have figured that one out.

“You… got it chopped down then?” Go Sera, keep chipping away at him.

“Yes.”

“I bet you’ve got a big chainsaw. Woof!” Sera’s the fucking best. Little loopy, but who isn’t after working here for more than a week.

“It is quite big, yes.” Ooh, got more than a word out of him. Good work, Sera.

“How many inches is the bar?” Why Cassandra, I’ve never heard your interest be piqued quite like that before.

“Twenty.” Yeah, okay, Blackwall, no need to sound so impressed. “How big’s yours?”

“Twenty three.” Yeah, go Cass!

“Are we still talking about chainsaws?” Sera. Honestly. Doesn’t think before she speaks.

Oh, and look who the cat dragged in. Solas. Late as usual with his triple shot double large pumpkin spice latte macchiato. Maybe if he didn’t get that fucking coffee every morning he’d be on time. “Good morning all. I’m replacing Bull.”

“Is he sick?” Thank you, Leliana, for asking the question. “He should text me if he’s going to be sick.”

“He texted me.”

“And me.” Fuck, even Blackwall has his number? Am I the only one who doesn’t? How do I get it?

“He’s not sick. He’s got a big pay run and it needs to be done by lunch time. That’s all.” Solas. Such a martyr. Bless you. Wait. Are those new glasses?

“Are those new glasses, Solas?”

Oh he does have a wonderful smile. “Yes, got them on Saturday. I’m glad you noticed.” Aw. My heart. Fucking hot, too. DILF. Is he a dad? Kinda don’t want to think about that...

“Chop chop. This mail won’t open itself.” Leliana. Quite the taskmaster.

Oh my god my I’m going to get RSI from opening all this mail. Ew and there’s an unidentified brown smudge on this form. Oh god. Oh god it smells. Get it away. Shit. Like, probably actually. Urg. People. Why.

Looks like Sera’s turning it into a race. She’s got the smallest pile. Maybe she’d have a bigger pile if she was more careful. So many forms torn! She is the reason for our sellotape budget blowout. Urg. Why do I care about budgets?

Oh thank god. It’s all done. Only took an hour. That means there’s only an hour till morning tea time. Shit. So many forms. And joy of joys I get to process them. Not all, thank fuck. I’d be here for days, otherwise. Days. Leliana’s got to divvy them up. I hope I don’t get that brown smeared one.

Right. Time to turn on the computer. While that’s warming up, I might just go get that coffee. Go via Bull’s desk. Just to say hi. Maybe ask if he wants a coffee too. You know, ‘cause he’s doing that big pay run. Oh no. Oh, Jesus wept. Look at him. He’s wearing that baby pink shirt. Fucking love that shirt. And he’s got his sleeves rolled up. Shit. Just look at those forearms. So… muscley. And those biceps…

“Hey, Lou. How’s it going?”

Shit. Was I staring? Did he catch me staring? Fuck. Fuck, come on, say something. Anything. “Bill, good morning.” Bill? Who the fuck calls him Bill? Yeah, sure, that is his name but no one fucking calls him Bill. “Bull. Morning. Got a big pay run, Solas said. Coffee?” Smooth. Real smooth. Christ. He’s never going to fuck me against the photocopier now.

“Sure, yeah. That’d be great, thanks.” Oh but that smile.

“Cool. You’re four sugars, right?”

“Just three, now. I’m pretty sweet already.” Oh my god. Could he be any more adorable. But fuck, Lou, stop laughing. It wasn’t that funny. And stop looking at him. Go make the fucking coffee before you melt onto the floor.

Right. Tea room. Cups. Cups cups cu--my cup’s not here. Some cunt has taken my cup. Who was it? I bet it was Sera. That little fucking--how many times do I have to tell her not to take my fucking cup.

Breathe, Lou. Breathe. Yeah. That’s good. It’s just a cup. Just a cup. You don’t want to turn into one of those people who writes passive aggressive notes about washing up after yourself and treating the workplace like you would your own home. Ha! Have you seen my home? You’d be lucky to get to the sink without drowning in pizza boxes.

Right. And the coffee machine’s fucked. Great. No fucking note on it either. All I want is a fucking coffee! Why God! Why me? Why have you forsaken me in my hour of need?

Jesus, Lou. Pick yourself off the floor. You know this carpet never gets cleaned. Go find Josephine, tell her it’s broken. And think of the positive. The more time you spend fucking about, the less time you’re actually working. But you’re still rolling in that dough. Aw, yeah. Money for free.

Oh, why does Josephine always look so good? How does she do it? I’m such a fucking mess.

“Hey, Josephine? I don’t know if you know already but I think the coffee machine is broken? It’s kinda just dribbling out water? And it sounds like there’s a couple of cats in there having a fight? Ha!”

Oh. The sweet tight lipped smile. Should’ve checked my emails first. Damnit. “Yes. It is broken. I have called maintenance but they won’t be able to look at it until the afternoon, I am afraid. There is the kettle, though, and a large selection of teas and instant coffees.”

Instant coffee? I can’t make Bull instant coffee! What am I, a heathen? “Thanks, cheers. No worries.” Right. Plan B. Real coffee.

Lift or stairs? Okay, fine. Stairs. But only going down. Heh. Going down. God. I need a new job.

Nice morning out. Better than first thing. And thank the Lord for this little hole in the wall coffee shop.

“Yeah?” Customer service could do with some improvement.

“Yeah, can I have two large capuchinos, one with three sugars. Please. Thank you.”

“Nine fifty.” Jesus Christ. I gotta stop doing this. Gotta stop eating all that pizza and buying these coffees. How am I ever going to save up enough to go travelling if I keep spending all my fucking money on junk.

“Well, look who it is.” Dorian. Why does he look so good. God. “Two coffees, hmm? Must be Monday.” So suave. So sexy. So.... gay.

“Ha, well, you know. It’s like that!” He’s not going to fuck you, Lou. You do not need to stammer around him.

“How’s your workload at the moment? Just sing out if you need a hand. I’m not too busy at the moment. Between runs. Plus I’ve managed to tame all my wild providers so they actually submit their invoices on time. Only took two years.”

“Lucky you! If only mine were that well behaved. But I’m looking okay at the moment, thanks.”

Shit. His coffee’s ready and he’s waiting around for me. I should tell him to keep going.

“No need to wait--”

“Two large capuchinos one with too much sugar.” Christ, can that woman only talk in one tone?

Oh no. Dorian’s smirking at me. Don’t blush. Do not blush. “Got one for Bull, hmm?”

I said, do not blush. “Yeah. He’s got a big pay run due. Thought he could use a little caffeine.”

What does that look mean? Shit, I hope he’s not on to me. Fuck. But I know he’s slept with Bull. I just know it. Lucky fucking bastard. Maybe I should ask for pointers on how to seduce the guy. A little sexy pouting? Barbed yet friendly insults? Don’t be fucking stupid. Defleft. Distract. “Have a good weekend?”

There. That’ll keep him going until--Christ. Back already. Oh and we’re taking the lift. Thank the baby Jesus Lord in Heaven. Man after my own heart.

“See you soon, Lou.”

“Cheers.” Hard to wave with two coffees. Doubt fisting. Heh.

And there’s Bull. In all his glory. “Hey, coffee machine is borked. Had to go down stairs.”

“Ah, thanks Lou, but you didn’t need to go get the good stuff for me.”

“Sure I did!”

“Nah. How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing. On the house.” Such a generous house, too. Fuck. This man is going to bankrupt me.

“Well I’ll get the next one, okay?”

As in a date? A coffee date? Don’t get your fucking hopes up, Lou. Just go back to your desk and do some fucking work.

Right. What’s my password? Not that. Or that. Try it with a four at the end… yes. In.

Oh my god. So many emails. And this coffee is awful. Worse than awful. It’s barely drinkable. Fuck, I hope Bull’s isn’t this bad. Maybe that’s why he has all those sugars. Gotta choke it down though. Can’t be wasting that money.

Fuck. This work is so boring. Only fifteen minutes to morning tea. What did I bring? Right. A boiled egg. Yay me. But Lou, think of the protein. You wanna get ripped like Cassandra then you need protein. Or something. I don’t fucking know. Okay. Get some work done. Process some forms. Yeah! I got this! I’m doing great! I’m on a roll! Shit, this is easy. I should totally not quit. This job is great.

“Lou, morning tea?”

“You read my mind, Blackwall.”

Tea room tea room tea room. Too many fucking people. And the kettle’s surrounded. Shit. I can’t be fucked getting a tea. Gotta get a plate for my egg shell though. Excuse me, coming through. Thank you.  And Bull’s not here. Fuck. That pay run must be massive. And the only seat left is next to Vivienne. She can smell fear. I know it. Do not sweat, Lou. Do. Not. Sweat.

“Morning, Vivienne.”

“Lou, my dear, you must stop gaming all hours of the night. You look dreadful.”

“Thanks!” Yeah, that’s it. Hit in with the false positivity. That’ll show her. She looks so good. Flawless skin. That no-makeup-makeup look. She could make a sack look amazing.

Right. No Bull. Not the end of the world. I’m just going to eat my egg quietly and--Sera. Sera has my fucking cup. I fucking knew it. Don’t say anything Lou. Remember what we said before? Breathe. Yeah, that’s it. Just breathe.

God. The conversation is about Blackwall’s chainsawing again. You’d think he owned a whole forest from the amount of time he spends chainsawing. Is anyone going to ask about my weekend? Anyone interested in how I did a level twenty raid all on my own? And not because I have no friends? Just because? For the fun of it? Anyone going to ask how many pizzas I ate? No? Okay.

Fifteen minutes goes so fast. Back to work. And what the shit is this? Bull coming in now? God damn I hate Mondays.

Urg. The time between morning tea and lunch goes so slowly. God. Right. I’ll break it up with a few toilet stops. Might do a few laps of the office with a piece of paper, make it look like I’m busy. Process five forms first. Then pee. Then another ten. Then get some water. Gotta have a routine. A system. Systems are good.

Oh my god. How is it only eleven? Feels like three. Fuck. Three more forms then I’ll let myself go wander past Bull’s desk.

Okay. Lunch time. Hallelujah. Did I bring anything? No. Of course not. Guess I’ll need to buy something. That’s another eight bucks wasted. For fuck’s sake, Lou. You’re going to buy a loaf of bread on your way home and make some fucking sandwiches, okay? I’m serious. Yeah. We’re having a serious talk now. You and me. We gotta make some changes, okay? Starting… tonight.

This pie is pretty good! Damn I love me a pie. Ah, but here’s the man who will make me feel guilty for enjoying this delicious pastry lined heart attack. Fucking Dorian with his fucking salads. How does he have time to make them? Does he have time machine that gives him an extra two hours in the morning or some shit? And he’s judging me. Christ. We can’t all be saints like you.

“Dorian! Lou! Got space for me?” Bull. My dear, wonderful, perfect Bull! Here for lunch! Don’t talk about work. Yes, shuffle over but not much. Take that little bit of body contact. Hold it. Treasure it.

“Get your pay run all done?” Lou, what did I just say?

“Yeah. Pain in the ass that one. Only have to do it once a month though. What gossip did I miss at mail this morning?”

Oh and here’s Dorian, recounting Blackwall’s fucking weekend again. Jesus Christ will this ever end.

“Hey, Lou. What kind of pie is that? Smells good.” Oh God, oh God, Bull’s leaning into me. He’s leaning into me. He’s touching me. His whole arm is touching my arm. He’s sniffing my pie. Code red. Code red.

“Steak and mushroom. From the cafe on the corner. Got all sorts there. This is my favourite.” Do not ask about the coffee. “Hey was your coffee shit? Mine was. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t go there but I do because it’s close you know, and I don’t want to walk too far when I’m on work time, you know…” Yeah, end it with a smile. But lick your teeth first so there’s no pie-- But close your fucking mouth before you do it. Ah, fuck. Fuckity fuck balls.

“My coffee was good! Strong. Feisty. Bit of bite, right?”

“There’s a joke in there somewhere.” Dorian’s all smug. They’ve definitely fucked.

“I like my women how I like my coffee?” God. When he laughs he throws his head back and slaps his thigh. He’s ridiculous. I love him.

Aaaand, lunchtime is over. Back to the grind. Bye Bull. It was nice touching you. Talking to you. God. I hope I didn’t say that out loud.

The afternoon always takes the longest. All that pie to digest. Makes me sleepy. This chair is fucking uncomfortable. I’m sure it’s not rated for eight hours. I should make a complaint. Get a real nice chair. Or one of those foot rests.

Hey, look at that pile! I’m racing through these forms! This is a good day! Yeah. Good day. And only an hour and a half until afternoon tea time. Sweet.

“Hey, Lou Lou.” Sera. Cup stealing Sera.

“Yes, Sera?” Nice. Good smile.

“My phone’s got a blinking light. What’s that mean?”

Jesus God, how many times-- “It’s your voice mail.”

“Right.”

“Someone called you? And you didn’t answer? So they left a message?”

“Who’d do that? Why not send an email?”

Breathe, Lou. Turn back to your computer. Maybe it was a rhetorical question. Ah, good. Yes, she’s walking away.

“So Lou, how’d I check my voicemail then?” My God, Sera, why don’t you just shout across the whole office?

Won’t take long to show her. Again. She’ll figure it out eventually. There. Done.

Only half a pile of forms left. Sweet. Shit. Not sweet. This is the one with the brown smear. Okay, handle with care. Okay, yes, that’s right. Maybe just put it over here… And… they haven’t signed it. Dick head. Now it has to go back to them. God. Where’s the pro forma letter saved? Right. And... printed. And signed, because I know how to sign a fucking letter. Gonna put in a new form, too. Maybe they’ll get the hint. And done. Off in Leliana’s mail bag.

Forty five minutes to afternoon tea. Sweet. Time for a pee break. Gonna play some Angry Birds. Yes, yes yes. Gotta kill those pigs. Fuck I love this game. Urg. Someone’s taken a massive dump in here. Fucking stinks. Maybe I won’t play Angry Birds. Fuck.

Fucking forms. Jesus, I hate this job. Even when it’s good it’s bad. And this form’s complicated. Shit. Gotta get out the manual, see what I’m supposed to do. Fuckity fuck. At least Cullen wrote the manual. He’s good at all that documentation shit. Right, here we go. Flow chart time. Okay, yes, if they ticked tick ‘no’ on question 8, then enter that in box C…. Okay. Okay. No. Lost. Go back…

“Hey, Lou. You didn’t come for afternoon tea!” Bull, Bull’s at my desk? And saying what? Fuck! It’s fucking four o’clock! I worked through my break! No! Nooooo! “Got you a strawberry. Josephine brought them in. They’re from her garden. Real sweet.”

He… brought me a strawberry? What does this mean? Is he about to propose? “Thanks, that’s great!” Way to sound sarcastic, Lou. Shit, it is sweet. Don’t look at him while you eat it. And don’t dribble. Oh my God, I hate me. “Sweet and juicy!”

He’s laughing again. Good save! And now he’s going back to his desk. Don’t mind me just checking him out… Shit. The man’s big all over. Real big. Just imagine having all that on top, pinning me down--no. Stop. No fantasies in the workplace.

An hour to go. An hour. Come one Lou. We got this. You and me. Yeah. Three more forms. Better drag them out. Easy ones, too. Thank fuck.

Five minutes till home time.

One minute.

Gonna count down the clock.

Five… Four.... Three… fuck it. Computer off. Home, here I come.

Wave goodbye, see you later, yeah yeah, I’ll have a great evening, thanks for asking. Got a nice dinner of cereal coming up. Might even warm up the milk. Make it savoury.

Damn, Bull’s gone already. No chance we’ll walk to our cars together.

“Bye, Lou! See you tomorrow.” Varric. Here when I arrive, here when I leave. The guy must really love his work. Or be swamped. No, not overworked. Maybe he doesn’t have Internet at home so just stays here and uses up all this delicious corporate bandwidth. Hey… maybe I should do the same thing… Move my gaming PC into the sick room… No. I hate this place.

“See ya, Varric.”

Lift or stairs? Push the button. If it arrives in ten seconds then take the lift. Okay, make it fifteen seconds. Thirty? Fine. I’ll take the fucking stairs. Fucking bull shit son of a--