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neverdoingmuch · 4 years ago

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now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)

wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”

but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere

they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop

when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff

anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?

and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica

he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book

when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake

he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does

like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?

pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.

nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch

wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you

wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin

so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn

wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!!

and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)

so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)

wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??

he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.

he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week

wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica.

he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)

also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible

by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something

he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing

cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made

(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)

wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot

cue lan wangji

lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it.

while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing

lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot

he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do

as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic.

he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot

anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time

i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out

they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body.

when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university

lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow

they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on

and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is.

wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??

anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills

anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!

lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.

regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot!

lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??

he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long

after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books

and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time

#mdzs #modao zushi #wangxian #wei wuxian #lan wangji #im so sorry everyone #i just got the idea and it wouldnt leave me alone #cql #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #have i read any erotica? no. have i read any chuck tingle? also no. am i an editor? no #so this is gonna be very shit #this is why people should be sending me prompts instead of me just writin shit myself #nsfw-ish?

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legolasgoldy · 6 years ago

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3. Do you have a “type?” || 5. Do you believe in ghosts and supernatural things? || 6. Have you ever experienced anything supernatural? || 10. What is the worst trouble you’ve gotten into? || 16. What is the oldest thing you own? || 18. What is the one food you could eat for the rest of your life without getting bored? || 20. What is your dream job?

Very invasive questions to get to know the blogger!

// Thank you!! @this-is-gizmo I never get munday questions XD //

3. Do you have a “type?”

Well, masculine presenting people, anyone more masculine than me. Dark hair and light colored eyes have always been my favorite type of aesthetic. Ever since i was a kid and saw Eric from the little mermaid and went “ thats my type of dude” X’DD Dark hair and light eyes are just gorgeous. But they have to be really kind, and not make fun of me or things I like. (So, i had a dream last night that a guy was asking me out and i told him sorry im demi, and he said Eww gross nvm. Basically the exact OPPOSITE of that crap X’D)

5. Do you believe in ghosts and supernatural things?

I do to a certain extent. I dont really know that ghosts are just wandering around everywhere unless theres a good reason for them to stay. Like a traumatic reason or otherwise. I believe in demons too, which scare the bageezes outta me. This is why movies about ghosts/demons/etc really scare me but i do love them. I just cant listen to scary whispers, or like, that scene in the first Conjuring movie where that girl was saying something scary was standing right behind the door and staring at her but it was pitch dark so you couldnt see it, and her sister walked up to the door to look, like hell no, my soul about left my body X’D

6. Have you ever experienced anything supernatural?

Hm nothing that Im fully sure about, probably spooky coincidences, but a few things that were really creepy. Years ago when i was in elementary school I once had a nightmare that there was a ghost/demon in my bathroom that kept trying to coax people to go in to get them, whispering all kinds of crap. It was so long ago i cant remember all the details but my mom woke me up in the middle of the night telling me my cat had a seizure in front of the bathroom door. My cat was fine luckily but it was extremely creepy bc as soon as i told my mom what i had been dreaming her face went white.

There was a few other times at my dads house but i cant list them all xD

10. What is the worst trouble you’ve gotten into?

Ah when I was seven years old, my dad and I, his gf and son all went camping at the closest mountain to me one summer. Which apparently his gf’s son who was 8, knew like the back of his hand where as I had a bad sense of direction. For anyone who doesnt know, I wear glasses and didnt wear them until the 3rd grade so i didnt have them at 7. I didnt know my eyes werent like anyone else I just assumed everyone had limited vision. So this kid, asked if he could walk ahead to the pool, because we wanted to go swimming and he knew the way. So I walked behind him ( and he wasnt the brightest child, and really extremely annoying and mean) and halfway there a lady stops her car next to us asking if there was a drink machine near by and he said at the pool which was where we were heading, she offered to give us a ride the rest of the way and i immediately was like STRANGER DANGER NO. but Nick being the dumbbutt he was, legit LEAPED into this womans car leaving me on the side of the road. Now, I couldnt see more than a few feet in front of me, everything was just leaves greens, and brown blurrs for as far as i could imagine. We were on a mountain and he was leaving me, and 7 year old me thought “ oh my god hes leaving me to die in the woods what am i gonna do i cant see anything to get to anywhere”, i didnt know the pool was just around the corner, my eyes made it so everything looked like forest. So in a panic i hopped in and she THANKFULLY took us the rest of the way to the pool then dropped us off and Nick showed her the drink machine. Needless to say, I got in major trouble and my dad forced us to sit outside and eat our lunch surrounded by mosquitoes and said we couldnt come back inside the camper until we had learned our lesson. Questionable parenting at its finest am i right? XD note the sarcasm

16. What is the oldest thing you own?

Hm, probably anything of my Gran Gran’s. I have a 1970s copy of gone with the wind that she loved and wrote notes in, and several other things she had kept through the years like kitty figurines, Avon decanters, ghost stories she typed on her type writer then made into a book. A lot of really neat stuff. Oh! Aside from her stuff, I have a old western book about horses thats signed inside for the 50s I think. I have a lot of old books.

18. What is the one food you could eat for the rest of your life without getting bored?

Hm, this is tricky. My favorite food is crab legs with butter, sweet crab legs not salty, but i love that on occassion otherwise it wouldnt be special. Plus i cant afford it every day. XD Its a once a year type of thing. Hmm, Im gonna say cheese because you can eat it a ton of different ways and it still count as cheese every day for the rest of my life. Im totally fine with that, and theres tons of different types of cheeses.

20. What is your dream job?

Art related. I’d love to be a designer and make art for a living, thats what ive always wanted to do ever since I was little. Hopefully one day I can get my bachelors in art, I already have my associates degree so thats a start. An Art teacher would be fun too, but designer/illustrator comes first.

#There were realy good questions!! ;D thank you!#Answered #About the Mun #Munday #this-is-gizmo

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danisnotofire · 7 years ago

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Do you have any advice for writing? I used to do it all the time but then I just didnt have time for it anymore. And now I want to get back into it and I keep trying to write, but Im hit with this overwhelming doubt/anxiety that it sucks. And I dont plan on posting my writing anywhere so I dont understand why Im so nervous about writing to the point where I want to cry and cant do it. And I really want to work through it but its just so difficult. Any advice? -🌳

i’m not sure how good i’ll be at giving advice on this, because i often feel the same way!!!

but ig that leads me to my first point, anon, and that is, you have to understand that that anxious feeling never really goes away. sometimes you feel better about it, sure, and sometimes you’ll write something and know you were meant to write it, but 98.7% of the time you will be screaming and crying into ur document and thinking you’ve been a failure and faking any ability to write this whole time. you have to understand that that’s all part of it. but you have to understand: it doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer. i really think you have to internalize that if u ever wanna write anything.

the best thing to get over feeling awkward and robotic is to separate yourself from what you’re writing. when i got back into writing fic (it’d been like, legit 4 years lmaooo) it was hard to put myself aside and stop feeling weird about writing it. i felt that same stiffness/awkwardness when i started journaling too. the best thing you can do for it is just understand that nobody is going to read it unless you want them to. it’s not going anywhere. the only person who’s gonna judge it is you.

once you get over that, write as much as fucking possible. it doesn’t need to be a lot. it can be a sentence. it can be a few hundred words. it can be a fuckin novel. just write something. the only reason i’m VAGUELY good is because i’ve been doing it for a longass time.

i’ve been writing creatively on and off since like,,, third grade. i’m now a sophomore in college. you just gotta churn out as much content as possible. i promise you, eventually it will be good.

if you can, i think writing classes are actually super helpful for this. i used to kind of shun them and look down on them because i thought somebody teaching me how to write would take away my own style. it actually helped me refine it, mostly because it got me into writing again after going so long without it. i was forced to write every week for a whole semester, and it kind of became a habit that i continued all through the summer.

fun fact: i don’t think no such mirrors would exist in the form it does now if i hadn’t taken that class!!

BUT: I get that classes aren’t always available to you. there are definitely ways u can get urself in that habit!!! you can do nanowrimo (which i did my freshman and sophomore years of high school, where you write 50k in 30 days just to pretty much see if you can. i CANNOT recommend nanowrimo enough. up until no such mirrors, that was my proudest artistic accomplishment)

FIND TIME TO WRITE WHENEVER, WHEREVER YOU CAN. you are going to have to sacrifice certain things to find time to write, but that’s all part of it. i struggled in doing this when i started school this semester because i went from having mostly my entire week free to having like, zero time to write, which is why it took a month for no such mirrors to update. it also sucked because writing makes me feel better about myself, because it helps me be a more productive member of society or something, and so, although it was hard, it became super important to me to find a time to fit that back into my schedule (i ended up carving out a few hours after my last class of the day on MWF, which happened to be my english class with a prof whomst i ADORE, so i always left feeling super inspired. and now i usually go to the silent floor of the library for a few hours and pound out a few thousand words. it’s not ideal, and ofc i’d rather be taking a nap or decompressing from class, but at least it’s something!)

i know this is harder to do, but i really do think posting your work helps!! i love writing fic because you get INSTANTANEOUS feedback on your skills, and it helps you develop them in a (largely) positive and supportive atmosphere. the people who are reading fic are the people who WANT to like it, who are just desperate for any content they can get. it’s such a good space to learn and grow as a writer (i started writing and posting fic when i was like, 12 years old. my percy jackson days. pre-tumblr. lmao #neverforget)

i know this is SUPER FUCKING CHEESY, but another thing that helps you become a better writer is to read as much as possible. read anything. read fanfiction from authors you admire. read YA novels. read children’s books. read the classics.

and then, (and this is something i will shamelessly do lol), pick your favorites, and try and mimic their style as an exercise!!! i recently read james joyce’s “a portrait of the artist as a young man” for class. it’s now one of my favorite books. and so what i did was go to google docs and pound out a few hundred words just trying to mimic the style. it ended up being a weird 1500-word-wip. most of it is garbage, but i wrote lines i’m really fucking proud of.

obviously don’t like, plagiarize. but what i’ve come to understand is that you can learn something from everything you read. whether it’s a certain type of metaphor, or a kind of characterization, or the art of simplicity, or a way of writing dialogue, or a stylistic thing. and by mimicking that style as a writing exercise or using their style as inspiration for your own work, you help refine what you like, and what your style is.

i will never be james joyce. that’s pretty obvious. but my version of james joyce is its own style of writing altogether, and it’s not necessarily bad! it’s its own style that i can then learn bits and pieces from later on. to me, writing is this weird ungodly mix of natural ability/learned style and compiling what you like about other authors into your own work. it’s a messy process, but eventually you will churn out something you like. and that’s what matters: producing content that you enjoy. everything else will come in time. (did i think anybody would read engagement sequence? uh, no. i hoped they would, and honestly i do wish that fic was recognized more than it was (bc any author who says they don’t care about feedback is LYING) but mostly i was writing it because i had SO MUCH FUN writing that fic. i’m probably most proud of that piece of writing out of everything i’ve ever written. it came from me combining poetry and prose into this weird pseudo mix of both)

another thing that’s easier said than done: DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHER AUTHORS. this is something i CONSTANTLY struggle with (to the point where i get SUPER down on myself if i’m not getting the same amount of anons asking about my work or comments or kudos or fuckin’ whatever). it’s something i CONSTANTLY have to work on, but it’s so so important, and the sooner you start working away from this habit the better off you’ll be.

if anything, USE these authors as people to learn from!! ask them questions about their process!! read their works and take note of what worked really well and how they executed it, so maybe you can incorporate that into things that you write later on.

IMPORTANT: COMMENT ON WORKS. COMMENTING ON WORKS DOESN’T ONLY BENEFIT THE AUTHOR, BUT IT ALSO BENEFITS YOU AS A WRITER. commenting helps you specify and work out EXACTLY what you liked about a certain piece. even if you don’t think it does anything, it actually puts words to specific things that you like, which then helps you incorporate it into your own writing. also?? long, thoughtful comments make an author’s fuckin DAY. someone once left like an 8 paragraph review on my fic, and i could. not. stop. rereading. it. for the better part of a week. TRULY.

take yourself less seriously. honestly. as much as it kind of sucks, writing is supposed to be fun and ultimately, it’s supposed to be rewarding. let yourself experiment with style and dialogue and characterization. who fucking cares? i wrote 300 words about spaghetti steam as a metaphor for jeremy’s parents’ divorce the other day. it doesn’t matter! nobody will read it!! that’s what editing is for.

it also might help to talk about your writing process!! i know i love doing this, and i see loads of other authors do it too. it’s so, so, so fun to complain about writing, because writing is really fucking hard. even the pieces that come easiest to me are still a pain in the ass to write. 99.99% of the time i write, i would rather be doing something, anything else. who wants to sit and cry into a computer screen? nobody in their right mind. ya do it because you love it, and you love the final product and you love seeing what you’re able to do, what you’re capable of creating.

if you’re having trouble starting, pick literally the first thing that comes to mind and write as much or as little as you fuckin’ want. remember, you’re in control! you can do as much or as little as you want. when i started writing no such mirrors, i had NO IDEA it was gonna become what it was. i started the fic with jeremy throwing a baseball up in the air and some random dialogue. i didn’t know what role everybody else was gonna play. i didn’t know it was gonna turn into an actual fucking novel. i had no idea! i just had the idea of jeremy laying on his back and tossing a baseball into the air repeatedly. why? i legitimately could not tell you! but it worked. it felt right and natural and easy, and here we are 72k later.

that being said, IT’S NOT ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL RIGHT AND NATURAL AND EASY! you’re just gonna have to write through that! it’s gonna fucking suck a lot of the time, especially with longer works! i fucking hate certain chunks of no such mirrors, to the point where i can’t even bear to look at them.

this leads into another point, which is….

you’re going to feel like you’re faking it. that’s okay. keep writing. i doubt in my abilities every. goddamn. day. i reread my fics probably daily and can’t understand why anybody would like them, half the time. i feel like the characters’ interactions are forced and awkward and unnatural, i think the dialogue is boring, i think their feelings don’t feel real and i don’t feel like their motivations have depth. i feel like the plot is hanging on with masking tape and thread. every author will feel this way at some point or another. i know that sounds fake, because i’ll read posts like that from my favorite authors and can’t believe they would write anything except perfection. so you have to remember, it’s in your head most of the time.

however, that’s not to say you’re perfect. you aren’t. there’s no such thing as a perfect writer. sometimes it’s healthy to listen to that voice in your head to try and improve. you just can’t let it become the loudest part of your writing process.

so yeah! those are my writing tips!! that was a lot and im really sorry if it was all cliche and cheesy bullshit, but i promise they work, or at least help a little bit!!

i hope you can get out of ur slump, because i love writing so much and hope i never stop doing it (even if i say i hate it l o l) and i really hope you can get to the point where you feel comfortable saying the same

#writing advice #writing tips #writing #Anonymous #I'M SO SORRY TO MOBILE USERS #long post //

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tumorhead · 8 years ago

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indirect triggers: a case study

My depression has flared up from a combonation of this season (end ofwinter but not spring), a cold, my period, & the existential horror show that is the US political scene. My mental illness has its maximum stat boosts.

Then a thing happened on Sunday that set me off and I am very confused. There’s not a Single Event that traumatized me that I get reminded of, so how can I have triggers that, when experienced, send me spiraling?

I wrote out my thought process so here it is if anyone finds it helpful:

Something I find increasinly helpful is understanding that generalized anxiety means your body is SUPER GOOD at remembering emotionally powerful experiences and warning you if the same signs show up again. Literally it's a physical difference, our neurons behave differently. Anxious people have a harder time distinguishing "new safe" from "familiar danger", more often erring on "SAME OLD DANGER!!!" and that happens outside conscious thought ("bottom up" processing rather than "top down")

ANYWAY:

I went to a party on Sunday at my friend's house, middle aged white

Midwestern folks with kids and our shared friends and some other

locals. My partner wasn't there yet. Lots of people cooking, drinking

all kinds of alcohol, kids running around, always enjoyable to visit.

Well, mostly.

LAST SUMMER INITIAL EVENTS:

I went to a party with the same group of people & this notorious

alcoholic John was there. He owns a bar that's gone to shit and is

divorced. He is nice but also vocally self-deprecating & bitter towards

women so his mental distress is obvious.

Well at THAT party he was sitting next to my partner on a couch and so

I sat between them and John offered me his gross warm half-drinked

mojito...which I took & sipped to be polite but then wondered why the

fuck I did that. He then put his arm around my shoulder in a comforting

way but I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT (internally, because I am the best at

pushing shit down). This guy I never've even hung out with was touching

me in what felt to me like grossly intimate way and I was supposed to

be okay with it. I froze and let it happen and I hate myself for that.

It was the first time I totally lost my shit from someone touching me

so it was really confusing, but I didn't stand up for myself and that

haunts me.

FAST FOWARD TO THIS SUNDAY EVENTS:

I walk in and my friend is busy cooking and everyone says hello. They

immediately ask me what I'd like to drink. John is there. Great. Now I

have this baggage where I can't stand being around John because of the

mess being around him caused before, and since I'm an anxious person by

neurons are WAYYYY BETTER at remembering emotionally damaging

situations & sounding the alarm. My alarm was sounded but I figured it was

a false alarm.

With John was a middle aged guy I've never met who introduces himself.

He says he's seen me around, to which I think "ew creepy". Other

friends ask me if I want a mint julip & I say sure as the one hosts

goes to make one. Instead Andy hands me the drink he's holding and says

"Here take this". I take it and take a sip and then- hindds -WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? I remember: DO NOT TAKE DRINKS

FROM STRANGERS, especially ones you didn't see being made, especially

from people who've been EYEING ME FROM AFAR. I hold on to the drink &

don't drink anymore. I am legit terrified it's drugged (now I doubt it was but i was afraid i'd already had too much). My one pal had been roofied from drinking his gal's drink at a bar I always go to so I feel literally nowhere is safe from sceezebags.

I remeber that I'm in a HOUSE with many easily accessible private rooms

at a party. I PANIC.

While my panic hits after Andy hands me the drink I see John jab at his

friend and give him a knowing laugh and smirk like "oh u" and Andy

laughs. IT SURE LOOKED LIKE a seasoned bar owner saw his buddy start to

get a woman drunk to sleep with her. IT SURE LOOKED LIKE John was

laughing at the old trick. Also, John knows I'm in a committed

relationship. IT SURE LOOKED LIKE THAT but I could've read it wrong, it wasn't explicit.

I go outside and discreetly dump the mint julip in to the grass. I

mingle and have a good time and try to avoid John & Andy. At one point

John puts his hand on my shoulder again and I get secretly furious.

Since Sunday I have been miserable and can't deal with anything and am so

mad at everything.

EVENT DECONSTRUCTION:

Why was I so upset about someone gently touching me? I was legitimately

baffled but I THINK I've figured it out. My emotions always take me forever to understand why exactly I feel how I do...

What confused me is the "trigger" was not a reminder of a unique event. A shoulder touch did not lead to a traumatizing event that I get reminded of. I think it is a symbol of a way of being treated that leads to incidents, not the incidents themsevles. A trigger a few degrees removed from the trauma. A trigger based in REPETITION. Like a Pavlovian dog drooling at the sound of a bell rather than the smell of food.

I am terrified of not standing up for myself again and letting things

happen to me that I don't want. I have a history of being touched when I didn't want to by people who didn't respect my autonomy and then forcing me to do things that have traumatized me. Its incredibly INCREDIBLY hard for me to tell people no or tell people off even when it's legitimately warrented. (I am working on it). That fact (to panicked my neurons at least) puts me in danger. And "disrespectfully touching without permissions" is the first sign.

My parents taught me they can force me to do horrible things I don't want because they've trained me to capitulate to their emotions over my own (they did not do this out of malice, just being sick themselves without the right parenting tools). I have accepted causing my own pain over possibly causing others discomfort most of the time. (A sense of powerlessness causing depression? Bingo.)

Why would a gentle shoulder touch set me off? Because people ignoring my personal boundaries has lead to trauma before.

And when my mental illness is flaring up and my executive functioning is shit I can't control my response to triggers very well.

DONT TOUCH PEOPLE UNLESS YOU ASK FIRST DONT F U C K I N G DO IT DON'T. FUCKING. TOUCH ME

now to dig myself out of the ol’ depression pit ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (which is easier nowadays)

#diary #mental health #mental illness #depression #anxiety #triggers #trauma #recovery

0 notes

weholyperfectioncollectorme-blog · 7 years ago

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Cluttered house - Will home insurance pay?

"Cluttered house - Will home insurance pay?

I walked into a house a few days ago to help clean up. The house is disgusting. Clutter everywhere, cat piss and **** all over the place, you cannot see the floor in some rooms. I almost threw up when I saw this. I am wondering if his home owners insurance will pay for repairs/damages to the house? It seems to be the only option, and I am wondering if the home owners insurance company simply say no and close the policy since it is not caused by environment/accidental or outside influences. Thanks.""

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Whats the average cost a month for car insurance in california for an 18 year old?

How to get dirt cheap Car & Medical Insurance ??

Looking for a CAR with in $ 500, Car Insurance & Medical Insurance for 1 Male of 31 years, 1 Female of 26 years & a Child of 2 years. Should cover Medical. Vision & Dental not reqired. Looking for real dirt cheap insurance for Car, Family""

How much would the insurance cost for a 2004 Subaru impreza wrx. Not sti.?

Im 17... So it normally costs more for me anyway. My dad and mom has had geico for a while now. My dad says I can't get it cuz the insurance will cost too much on a turbo car. I can't live without a turbo car!!!!!

Car Insurance for a 16 year old in California?

I am gonna get either a Used 03-04 Nissan 350z and would like to get a rough estimate of how much insurance is gonna cost. Thanks in advance. Also what would happen to my insurance if the car is on a salvage title?

How much is car insurance for a 17 year old female ?

I am turning 17 on july 6 and i will be getting my license on that day too, my parents said they will pay for the car but i only have to pay for the insurance . how much is insurance?""

How much are geckos i found one for 7.00. at petco i thought they were a lot more money.?

a while back i went to petco and seen it. It was a bright green gecko. it looked like the one from the car insurance place and it was like 3-4 inches but it was 7.00 so i was just wondering.

Would it be cheaper to insure a van (SWB transit size) or a Car (fiesta/Clio size)On 08 Plates.?

Ive tried insurance companies buy they wont tell me anything unless i give reg no's and stuff, and i havent got it yet so i cant :s so just a basic geuss would be good, i assumed a van would be cheaper as their arnt as many luxuries and such in them?""

Texas driver got speeding ticket in Washington state? Will my insurance know it?

While on a business trip I got a speeding ticket (5 over limit) in Washington state. I live in Texas and my license is issued by Texas. If I pay this ticket, ticket says it will go on my driving record. I assume they will send it to Tx. In that case, would my insurance rate increase because of this out-of-state speeding ticket? I am ok with paying the ticket, but I don't want to see my insurance increase. What are my options? Should I hire a traffic lawyer in WA to get rid of the ticket? Again, I live in Tx! Any re ommendations for me to get this issue resolved without insurance getting the ticket info.""

Car insurance for teens. Do I NEED to be listed on my parents policy?

My parents have triple A auto insurance and I have recently gotten my drivers license. I have tried to research the requirements for insurance by law on the California DMV website and the most concrete statement I found was some numbers that cover various damages and injuries (DMV website is not working properly so I cannot look it up). My parents insurance obviously covers the basic and more. However, my parents policy states that Any relative that has consent of the owner to use the insured vehicle is covered by this policy - These are not the exact words as I don't have the policy on me, but it is pretty damn close. In the definitions portion of the policy, it states a relative as anyone related by blood, and some other stuff. I am my parents son so I am obviously related by blood, thus their policy coverage extends on to me when they give me permission to use their vehicle. I did not find ANY California laws that required me to be on the policy. i only found information that said I only need that minimum coverage which my parents policy does provide. We did contact triple A about this and they did not give us a reasonable answer. All they said was that they WANT my parents to add me because THOSE ARE THE RULES. Seems like they just want more money in their pockets. Can someone give some advice? Thanks.""

Home insurance cost in auburndale ny zip code 11358?

I am in the process of purchasing a new house in auburndale, queens ny. i wonder how much is the average home insurance cost in this area? it is a tudor building, 2 and half floors.""

Cheapest car insurance in ontario?

Will insurance be cheaper for our 2010 Hyundai Elantra than our 04 Tahoe?

We just bought the Hyundai Elantra yesterday and were looking to see how much of a difference we could expect .

""If I finance a new car, how much insurance do I buy?""

I know it will have full coverage, but how much? I'm trying to get an accurate quote through geico to see if I can afford it before buying the car.""

Till what age can we get health insurance?

I want to know the upper age limit for purchasing health insurance.

Can I add a person to my insurance if i dont own the car?

Okay, my live in boyfriend just got a car and is leasing it through an auto dealer, and making payments. The car is in his name. I would like to know if he can be added to my insurance policy? Does the car have to be in my name to be on my insurance policy?""

What is the estimated home insurance cost of $500000 home in littleton colorado?

What kind of health insurance should I get?

I'm 20 I live with my parents we have U visas I know I don't qualify for Medicaid but I know we have to get insurance or pay the fine. What are my best options? Something affordable. Any advice would help because I know nothing about this! Thank y'all

Florida car insurance question?!?

I'm 16 and have my driving permit, I want to get my license but since the insurance here is SO EXPENSIVE I'm looking for ways to reduce it. I would be put under both divorced parents insurance plans as soo as I got my license. My questions are: 1. If I get my own car, will I still have to go on both parents insurance? 2. What kind of driving school will aid in discounting the insurance, and do you know of any in Jupiter, FL or online? Thanks!""

What medical insurance should I get in California?

I am 27yrs have, single, have no children and need medical insurance. I live in California so I have to have it by the new laws. I have no clue who I should sign up for. I don't care too much about benefits too much right now (deadline is coming up). I just want the lowest priced one I can get right now so I can say I have something. I looked at the Medi-cal website and it said you have to be 65yrs or older or have children so it does not seem like I am eligible even though I am low income. Any clue on what I should get? Thanks.""

I only have liability insurance and was hit by another car?

I only have liability & when the other guy hit me he ran away on foot leaving the car. I made a police report and they gave me the other party's info. Now his insurance is saying they can't help me until they know who was actually driving his car. What can I do to get my car fixed because it is not drivable? Can I get a rental car? Can his insurance deny me completely if they don't find the driver?

""Average utility and insurance cost Orland Park, IL?""

I'm planning on buying a townhouse in Orland Park, IL and was wondering what the average utility (water, electricity, heat, disposal) costs are? Anyone have any estimates on insurance? The association fees cover common insurance but don't think it covers anything within the four walls of the house. Know what insurance requirements the lender puts on mortgages? Trying to estimate how much home ownership really is.""

""Will my car get tow,i change the insurance to my father name.?""

I financed a car and all the paperwork is under my name,but i change the insurance under my father name.now i received a letter saying i don't have insurance,and i told them is under my father name.they want me to change it in my name,but i don't want to.if i put my name in the insurance it will be high. can i leave it under his name,or put my name in it.""

Car insurance question?

Can someone get insurance on a vehicle when their name is NOT on the title?? The insurance is in VA. My husband owns the car and was letting his little bro drive it, but we've removed the insurance and told him NOT to drive it, and found out that he has put insurance on it with his insurance company! Is this possible or legal even?""

Why is car insurance so expensive of or young people ?

I don't think it is fair it seems like a lot of things are expensive for young people I mean it is even unfair when your in a job and you get paid less becaues your young

Cluttered house - Will home insurance pay?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/tip-cheap-car-insurance-new-drivers-under-21-violet-campos/"

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