#Leather SlashFic

[icantbelieveivedonethis]

Talk to meeee!!!!Leather consumes my soul, everyday the brain rots further.

My brother in brain rot.! It's literally all I think about rn please tell me all your thoughts

[helpesslywriting]

I've become absolutely feral for SlashFic on Dorian and I can't find anything on A03 for it and idk if Im just stupid or no ones posted anything yet

I keep thinking about a big confession scene for each of the slashers where the MC finally admits that they've caught feelings and it's not just darkness cravings

I can see Leathers being soft but stern. He's def not gonna believe them at first so they gotta be gentle when saying it but insist it's true and they know themselves well enough to know what they feel. Boys heart is made of glass and he's got thick walls around it to protect it. Probably gonna need the chainsaw to get through them.

For ghost it'd probably gotta be snapped/yelled out during a fight, they're toxic that way toward one another. Poking and prodding to get reactions out of one another. Drawing it out of each other like angry teenagers with no outlet. Boy uses sarcasm and humor to defect everything and he's confused about what he really wants. Then he'd scramble to get them to say it again and get mad when they won't.

Jays I could see being soft as well, but like a teaching moment instead of trying to prove it's true like with leather. They're trying to explain how this feeling for them is different than lust or familal love. Might be an actual first for him.

Mike .....I'm stumped kinda on him but I feel like it's more of a stupefied moment for both of them. Like MC just ....blurts it out, mouth diarrhea style and then they're both just staring at each other, neither saying anything until MC finally cracks and freaks out both on the inside and out

[vampirevatican]

One more for the homie, do you have any specific hcs about them nsfw wise ;like outside of what the game hides behind a paywall

the smile on my face... okay so, obvi

NSFW below mdni

they both are into knife play

Ghost and Mike are freaks.

ghost, ofc, takes his sweet time so there's a lot of foreplay going on

ghost probably prefers to hit it from the back... i remember him spinning us around twice with his first visit

vocal but not loud... you could make ghost whimper.

is into being called "daddy"... mayhaps im going based off actually cannon (ep where you get a dream choice abt one of the guys visiting you... nd it leads to a paywall sadly)

he's also partially to you being in his lap while the freak nasty goes down... and by freak nasty i mean literally... fucker may have a piss kink bc the bastard doesn't take you to the bathroom or shove you out his lap when u say you gotta piss

mike however wouldn't be into that at all. he does have a thing for control tho.

mike is into consent non consent

very into commanding but he wants a brat... he's a brat tamer.

do not beg him to do anything. gotta hit this sicko with the "no. stop. wait."

he does talk you through it during a bj (sorry actual canon paywall thing) but isn't a whiner or a moaner

truly a grunter and swearer

Jay is also a freak but in a different way.

he wants a dom but they also gotta be nice

high-key has a praise kink, and i think a blood kink bc he's all too eager to lick up any blood.

very good boy! follows any and all commands, but as to not make him feel bad always reward him and praise him

smthn not behind a pay wall, you can ask him to lick his machete (first meeting with him and it's before damien shows up again) and you gain bloodlust and he asks if you liked it!!!

that aside, he's also just big into oral

i think he's loud... you can tell him to be quiet and he will but i think he's vocal about how good you make him feel... how tingly.

he... he's probably a necrophile... I don't wanna jump to conclusions but he did ask for riley's body (shirtless sprite btw) when the guys were done (the ep where mike stabbed riley... uh bedside manners.)

getting nasty with him would have so many cute innuendos like cuddles, snuggles, making you feel good... god he is a cutie.

Leather... is big.

so i don't think he's freaky... but that is one big man*

everything on him just... damn.

he's surprisingly gentle with his calloused hands

definitely the type to shudder at your actions

i feel like he could be a brat tamer and dom but it's like service dom??

he's just v gentle and kind

mind you he is strong tho... so getting manhandled??? yes, please.

try some freaky positions... have you ever tried.... this one?

literally any position is on the table in my mind, like depending on canon height y'all are gonna have to get creative.

ive recently imagined legs on his shoulders, kinda just dangling while he eats you up...

canon says he's 6'7 or maybe 6'4 soooo.. hehe think on it.

* in light of reply information he is freaky, makes sense, again i do see him in a soft light so canon (halloween) says he's up for anything as long as you don't move his mask and with how big he is and how much he tries to control himself?? it personally gives service dom, for sure.

Weapon sizes?? (realistically)

Leather is the biggest... 7 incher, and he's a shower

Mike is 6 inches, and he's another shower

Ghost said "long and thick" (can't remember the ep) but baby we can't all have big boys. So he's 5, but around 7 on hard... he's a grower bc i say so

Jay is a grower, not a shower so soft? maybe 3 or 4... but on hard?? we're talking 5 or 6

[glasspomeogranate]

Someone made songs for the slashers from slashfic and they're pretty good! They deserve more listens and are really catchy, so I'm posting them here!

[lunawolfewolf]

Already did Mike 🐺

(So feel free to check that out)

[marinaskye123]

Anyone else obsessed with slashfic on dorian.. not to mention im low-key simping for Ghost and Mike..😅

I like jay and leather too though.

# Don't bother saving me he he... I'm perfectly fine..

# my friends would judge me 🤣

[animationexhilaration]

If y'all have seen the new spice scenes...

Spoilers below:

THEY'RE ALL SO CUTE!!!

more pics to come. Tumblr allows a limit of ten total photos

[itsmallowfluff]

Started playing the Slashfic Killer Game on Dorian, for fun on New Years Eve, now I’m hooked on serial killer named Leather and might write Fan fiction for him.

Do I need to start another story, no, but he’s yummy and I want him��.

[loserboyowenn]

Leather from SlashFic but a little different(aka less sexualized) my b for making him look so young lol

[gods-and-pawns]

All flower asks for Cimmerian.

Cimmerian:

O-oh jeez, that’s...a lot of questions, huh? Well, better let’s get to it then.

Alisons: Sexuality?

I’m polysexual.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

Trans man. He/him pronouns, please.

Amaryllis: Birthday?

December 1st. I’m a winter baby.

Anemone: Favorite flower?

Uhm, sunflowers, probably.

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

If I have to be honest, I don’t really...watch TV all that often. But uh, anything they air on Animal Planet, to be honest. Do you remember that old TV show about the life of meerkats? Fucking loved that shit.

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

That...really depends. I wouldn’t go too far, after all, I don’t know this person, but basic respect and kindness are always a given. I’m not a hero either, I wouldn’t risk my life for them. So, I’d say most of the time, just small favours.

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

Literally fucking anything that leaves Vincent’s mouth once he gets a little tipsy, this man lacks filter when drunk and it’s fucking great. I know you probably expected some quote with deep meaning, since I have a major in English, but I am very sorry to disappoint.

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Pain drink is going to be Whiskey, but anything a little bit fancier then it’s Pina Colada. I like sweet things.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yes, absolutely, zero hesitation.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Hm...unfortunately...

Baneberries: Favorite song?

........Two Trucks by Lemon demon. Don’t judge me, it’s a fucking great song.

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Hm, well, they were great, really. Very caring and loving...Yeah, this question is making me feel sad.

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

Uhhh...I’m gonna say it’s either North, Tiff, Han or Bright. I’d say Foster too, but...I don’t know, we kind of had a falling out because of our work. It’s hard to meet up.

Begonia: Favorite color?

...I’ll give you one guess.

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

Toads, love these fat boys.

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

Definitely morning. Not that I like waking up early, but I definitely function better in the mornings.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

A hognose snake, they have very cute noses.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A teacher, of all things. Mostly because I thought teachers got free summer too. Then I went to high school, saw what little shits my peers were, and immediately changed my decision.

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

I love kids! I always wanted to be a father. Unfortunately, with being nearly 40 now and swarmed with work...I don’t think that’ll ever happen.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Cars, because of trauma that I’d rather not get into. And, uh...I have apeirophobia. It’s...stupid, I know, many people would probably like to live on for forever. But for me, it’s just...it’s horrible. I don’t even know why. I guess it has something to do with existential dread.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I had a lot of adoptive siblings and cousins, we were always close, and would always get into trouble together. I was raised on a farm with woods nearby, you can imagine I had a lot of opportunities and places where I could get hurt at, and I did. I was a stupid and reckless kid.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

Oh man, that’s a loaded question...Honestly? I’d like to reach out to my family, spend my last day with them.

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Taken~ By two wonderful, cute men.

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

Oh, there’s a lot of places I’d like to explore, probably too many to list. As long as it’s as far away from civilisation as possible, I’m good.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

I like to be held, I love hugs, they make me feel safe and loved. Preferably under a warm blanket with my partner or partners, late in the evening, the rain falling outside and the room is nearly completely dark as we cuddle...

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

I used to want to, as a teen, but unfortunately no...I did see some people tattoo over their burn scars, and I’ve been thinking about it, but considering how large my scars are it’d cost a lot, be very time consuming and most likely painful. So I don’t know, but I’m considering it.

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

Used to have a few as a teenager, now I only have one in my right ear.

California Poppy: Height?  

I’m 5′9′’.

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

In ghosts? No, not really.

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

I’ll let you guess.

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

Sure did, I still sometimes do when my nightmares get the best of me.

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

Jackie.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

Northy, obviously~

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

My heart tells me Comic Sans, but my brain’s telling me to shut the fuck up and pick a normal font.

Columbine: Are you tired?

Always, 24/7.

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

Autumn, we’re close to Summer and god damn it didn’t even start but I’m already over it.

Coneflower: Dream job?

I’m pretty content with my current one, but uh...maybe something less stressful? Probably a book author.

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert, definitely.

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

 Honestly? I’d probably give my life to them. It mostly depends on the person though, and how much I care about them.

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

I had a ragdoll elephant named Mr Trunk. Still do, actually, he’s one of the few things I took with me when I started working here. He’s now sitting on my bookcase at my apartment.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Sagittarius.

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

I don’t think so, no.

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

Well...I guess overcoming my trauma counts as an accomplishment?

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

Well, first of all, my biological parents are dead and my adoptive ones think I’m dead. But, if that weren’t the case, I don’t think Ma and Pa are the kind fo people who’d try to get between me and my partners. I feel like if they were legitimately concerned for me or had deep worries about my partner, they’d talk to me about it. So, nothing too dramatic.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

...I’d rather not talk about them.

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Does writing shitty slashfics count?

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

Do you want a list or something?

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Well...I started dating Jackie.

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

Tiring, so the usual.

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

...It could be worse, honestly.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

...Uh...if my relationship with Karlos and Jack lasts...well...uhm...God, don’t tell them I said that, alright? But...getting married seems...nice...

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

My friends. They’re great, I don’t know where I’d be without them. Especially Tiff, they do so much for me...don’t tell them I said that, they don’t need any more of an ego boost.

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

A good book, audiobook or ASMR and a scented candle in an otherwise quiet room usually does the trick.

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

Usually through words, I didn’t get that damn doctorate for nothing.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

My work, I guess? My writing? Wait, no, I just remembered my longest work of fiction is a crackfic about mythological characters- I take that back.

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Just having an entire day to myself, no need to do any work, no stress, no deadlines. 

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

I take care of my pets and plants, read books, write.

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

Oh man, it’s been a few years now. Uhm, my longest friend in the Foundation is Foster, we met in high school, but like I said we’ve had a bit of a falling out. Then it’s Tiff, I met them when I first joined the Ethics Committee. I met Karlos and Bright a few years later, and I’ve known Han for the least amount of time, but it’s still been years.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Uhm...Hm...Probably Tiff or Karlos. Han too, he’s a good listener.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

A few. On top of the previously mentioned ones I’m also quite close to Clef, Kondraki and Light.

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Literally, any kind of compliment either of the O5-1′s or O5-11 gave me. Do you have any god damn idea how fucking hard it is to impress the Ones? And Ten...well, he’s just really nice and I appreciate him.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

Anyway, next question!

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I have great fucking puns and if anybody says otherwise, they’re fucking wrong.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

Do you want a list?

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

Exploring, I guess it never really changed, I like spending time in nature, I just never have the time to.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

........Probably one of my siblings.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

A lot, but let’s not talk about that.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

Jesus Christ, what’s with these questions?

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I had to look it up, and apparently, Jeremiah means “Yahweh will exalt”. I had no idea my name actually had a religious meaning. When I was born I was named after my grandma, and when I was changing my name I decided to kind of keep with the theme and named myself after my grandpa. He doesn’t know, actually, I never came out to them, but I like to think he’d be happy that I named myself after him

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

Like I said before, in a small rural town on a small farm. Not much to talk about, really, I was a typical kid that grew up on the farm. Always got in trouble and always hurt myself doing stupid shit.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

I was quite a tomboy and I loved cows, so just imagine a room with walls painted to resemble a pasture with cows on it and cow-themed furniture. Handmade too, by my grandpa and Pa, of course.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

I uh...I’d rather not talk about it.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Ma was a great woman, she always cared for me and my siblings, she treated me like her own kid straight away. Didn’t even batted an eye. Never made me feel weird or wrong for liking “boy things” like other adults outside of our family. She was quite fiercely protective of me too, quite a mama bear, I must say. A strong woman, could probably suplex a bear.

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

Pa was...well, Pa was just wonderful. He didn’t even hesitate for a second to take me in when his sis and my biological mother died. He was the first person I saw when I woke up at the hospital. He always made sure I was happy and taken care of. He taught me how to hunt and fight and play soccer and football. He was always very loudly supportive of me. I cannot express enough just how much I’m grateful to him and Ma.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

They were very kind, your traditional old couple. I loved granny, but I was always closer to my grandpa. He taught me how to fish, I could always confide in him. He’s a great guy. Granny was wonderful too, I remember I always helped her out in her garden, she’d always scare me with potato bastards- I mean potato beetles, sorry, old habit- I fucking hate these motherfuckers. I love all animals, except for these ones. Potato bastards can suck a dick.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

[Heavy sigh] My 4th birthday, my older brothers decided it’d be a fun idea to pick every potato beetle they could find from granny’s garden and throw them at me as a “birthday present”...........You know, I think I just realised why I hate these beetles so much.

Peony: What was your first job?

My first official job was in the Foundation, they hired me right when I finished college to help contain one anomaly, then I just stuck around and worked in Human Resources. I don’t think working small chores in our neighbours’ farms for some pocket change counted as a job.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I met North when he started working as a junior researcher in the same Site as me. Bright, I knew for longer for uh...obvious reasons, but I first met him in person during a disciplinary meeting. I also worked as an Ethics Committee Liaison in Site-19. You can imagine our relationship wasn’t the best at first.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Die.

Pink: Where is home?

Well, that sure is a deep fucking question. At this point...I don’t know, honestly.

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

...It’s...let’s not talk about that.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

No way in hell I’m telling you, he could read this blog.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

Living in a cottage in the forest or mountains as a fairly famous writer, with a spouse and a few kids.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

Soulmates. Then I grew a brain.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

...So anyways.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

Uh, so you know how I listen to ASMR? Probably tapping.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Any kind of holiday with my family, we’d always get together and celebrate.

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Let’s not talk about that!

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

...Hm...Well, I am kind of hungry, I guess after this I should go eat something.

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

I think I’m kind of...intermediate on that scale. Generally, it’s easy for me unless it’s something very personal.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

...yeah, another question I’m skipping.

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

Not a lot, I’m quite tired today.

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

Work, I guess? Mostly just routine.

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

Fucking stressful and exhausting, but it could be worse. That’s talking about my chairman position. But my work on Project X? I like it, one of the more pleasant jobs I had at the Foundation.

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

...Yeah, just take a guess.

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

Cozy, dark and gold.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

...That’s a bit personal, actually.

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

The sheer amount of these questions, Jesus fucking Christ.

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

Unfortunately, I don’t have time for books lately, I did listen to a few audiobooks though. Also, I’m planning to revisit the Warrior Cats books because nostalgia and I need to know what the fuck is happening with these cats lately.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Hopefully not dead.

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

Uhhh...hm...I’m petty, but you probably knew that already.

[esser-z]

Theory: Good Omens is in fact a major origin pillar for slashfic, following Star Trek.

The book came out pretty much right as the internet was dawning, and, seriously, Aziraphale and Crowley are some of the major slash tropes, in canon.

Plus Draco In Leather Pants *is* Crowley

[icantbelieveivedonethis]

Do you have any headcanons? Anything you want at all. I need to talk to others

Ohmygosh I’ve been working on a Ghost headcanon/theory post for a few days but I’ve got some smaller ones to share in the meantime.

So like at first I was thinking of what world events the slashers wouldn’t know about because they died (sort of) and went to the void (?), which has great potential for some hilarious conversations.

Then I realized that all the slashers but Ghost probably wouldn’t even know of things that went on when they were alive, let alone after, because they were all incredibly isolated—especially Mike and Jay. Which is actually super heartbreaking…

Anyways the headcanon is that the slashers are surprisingly clueless, and Ghost has been stuck explaining things for his whole afterlife. Is he exasperated, or does he use it as a chance to mess with them? You decide! I imagine mc would have a lot of fun with this too. Like how do you even begin to explain the /internet/??

I wish I had written down the years they die (assuming that’s when we travel back to). The fact that there is no wiki or info resource for this game is the bane of my existence, I’m thinking of starting to catalogue things on this blog. At the very least, it’s safe to say they know very little/nothing that’s happened from 1998 onward (I don’t think they’re stopping in the middle of murders to check in on the culture).

Anyways I’ll stop writing here because if I keep going I’ll never stop. I’d love to hear any headcanons you have too!

[helpesslywriting]

I fell down a hole into shark bait and slashfic hell and I need more of these men or I'm gonna go feral

[vampirevatican]

Do you have headcanons about being married to leather?

YES! YES I DO!!

personally, being his little housewife, but ill generalize.

Being Leathers Spouse...

he does carry you bridal style after the wedding

infact he swoops you off your feet at the alter while kissing you deeply and lovingly

imagine walking to y'all's farm house after the wedding, he takes you out the truck and bridal style carries you??

kicking down the door and just showering your face in kisses

he loves his spouse so much.

free from the curse situation? it's so much more than just loving. he practically owes you his life, his peace and joy back

you ofc help him out around the farm. you may be his tiny piglet, but you're a prized one. strong, fierce and brave.

so you're helping with harvesting, handling the animals and he does the butchering

cooking in the kitchen? and he's chilling in the door frame before coming up behind you and holding your waist???!

dancing out in that golden field

probably setting aside one or few pigs as pets

omg imagine having a pet dog?? it'd be kinda funny if y'all got a wolf or fox then named it ghost or mike... i mean they wouldn't think it was funny but y'all sure do

still a big protector ofc but without the curse i feel like he'd trade the chainsaw for a shotgun and only do warning shots for intruders...

unless the intruder is seriously planning on ruining his way of life, then that's when he gets the chainsaw back out.

he cherishes your presence and wouldn't have it any other way. you're his blessing and savior.

[antivancoffeelover]

i was tagged by @spacelabrathor​ who is my partner in thor/reader crimes

coffee or tea / early bird or night owl / chocolate or vanilla / spring or fall / silver or gold / pop or alternative / freckles or dimples / snakes or sharks / mountains or fields / thunderstorm or lightning / egyptian mythology or greek mythology / ivory or scarlet / flute or lyre / eyes or lips / witch or fairy / opal or diamond / butterflies or honeybees / macarons or eclairs / typewritten or handwritten / secret garden or secret library / rooftop or balcony / spicy or mild / opera or ballet / london or paris / vincent van gogh or claude monet / denim or leather / potions or spells / ocean or desert / mermaid or siren / masquerade ball or cocktail party

i’m gonna taaaag @boltplumart @thorki-mpreg-slashfic @circecore @spacehussy @shineonloki

>:)

[mattyreads]

Trump Temptations; Chapter 3: The Meeting (final)

Edit: This is being reposted because one of the images did not meet tumblr’s new guidelines despite the rampant neo-nazis, porn bots, and smut that makes it past the censors anyway.

Jack takes the short walk back to the hotel for his and Trump's second meeting. Meanwhile, I brace myself for what's going to be the worst business transaction in existence, but I’m excited to see how Jack will go from a nice suit to the leather-clad dom on the front cover.

I reached the building and made my way up the elevator, my heart and meat monster both throbbing more and more with each floor we passed.

"We" again. Jack's either using the royal "we", or referring to his Monster, who I’m starting to think is an employee at Monsters Inc. Instead of scaring small children, the Purple-People-Eater lays dormant in young gay men’s pants until it thinks it can take advantage of old rich men’s money. This has turned into quite the Orange Vampire/Purple People Eater slashfic.

The elevator rang loud and opened her doors like a white girl's legs on prom night.

I'd rather open my legs on a magical night for someone I was dating, than open my anus for a pruning, walking cesspool of racial ignorance and UTIs.

The door creaked open and there he was, handsome as ever, like a giant melting fat carrot with fake hair.

I will give Daniel credit: His Trump analogies almost make up for the unflattering characteristics he's attributed to women, now on two out of three occasions. Whatever Daniel thinks about women while drunk and attempting to write satire about a questionable businessman and politician, he probably thinks a lot worse about Trump.

Trump invites Jack inside, asks him to sit, and tells him that he looks good.

"Why did you ask me here?" I said as I sat down. "You know why I asked you here." He said as he brushed his hand against my cheek, leaving a stream of self tanner dripping down me.

Good lord, never mind the vampire jokes, Trump is apparently an Orange Lantern, but less badass and more gelatinous and oozy.

The only thing I knew was that I wanted to ride the elevator to the top of his Trump Tower.

I have a feeling Daniel was waiting the entire time to get to that joke. This was the punchline, wasn't it? It was almost cute compared to the rest of this story's analogies.

He moved closer, putting his cold, dead lips on my neck.

Maybe he's like, an Orange Lantern vampire. If I know my comic book trivia, (and I don't) there's gotta be one of those.

His hands felt like an old dried out gingerbread house.

Probably needs some lotion. I think there's a brand made just for old, greed-motivated vampires.

Trump tells him that there's something he needs to tell Jack. Jacks says to save it for later.

"Fine, but close your eyes" he said. I was reluctant, but obedient. I unzipped his pants and touched his cold scaly thighs. I opened my eyes as I grabbed his thick, long... TAIL? WHAT?

Jack screams in shock.

His neck flared up like that dinosaur on Jurassic Park, you know the which one I mean. He hissed and lept for the window. Leaving behind nothing but broken glass, and shattered hearts.

Bet You Didn't Fucking Expect That

The End... Or is it?

And that's the end. If you don't believe me, here's a shot taken on my phone:

I have to heave a giant disappointed sigh, because I was looking forward to reading about Trump's wrinkled, avocado-like testicles, and the piss-drinking kink he probably has. Maybe Trump would have Jack dress up like his daughter, and call him "Auntie" while Trump was tied to a fucking machine.

(Here’s a fucking machine if you don’t know what that looks like).

The plethora of bizarre sexual acts at Daniel's disposal are endless, the audience vast. Even good ol' vanilla sex could have been hilarious with creative analogies and the willpower to continue writing, and not pass out after being too drunk and high.

This would have been the greatest opportunity for Daniel to show the world every bizarre kink he knew, possibly enjoyed, and still say "It was for the lols."  Instead, he wussed out and went for the "lol randomz lizard people" route. I'm disappointed Daniel, though I guess you did give us fair warning. Whelp, I spent my $2 on my own volition. Thank you for the chuckle.

As for myself, I hope you enjoyed my own commentary. I had a lot of fun with this, and will gladly read and commentate more.

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