#Last day off was Monday so now I'm going to make some fucking effort even if it kills me ashsjf

[oculusxcaro]

The tap makes a horrid squeak as it forcibly turns, Khare gritting her teeth at the sound - and sight - of murky water pouring forth into the too-small bathtub. The one for hot water goes untouched as well as ignored - it doesn't work anyway and the cold feels much more refreshing even in the tiny unheated apartment she now calls home.

Sinking her lower half into the depths, the waitress breathes a sigh of relief as the chilly liquid hits her skin, instantly soothing the throbbing ache pulsating in her hip. At once the eyes growing there calm, no longer swivelling blindly in non-existent sockets at whatever caught their foul gaze. She sighs again, picking up a bar of cheap soap and debates whether or not it's even worth using before the eyes in her shoulder squirm, vying to be drenched next. It disgusts her, the way they move but more than that she disgusts herself, Khare doing her best to hold back bile while peeling off the bandage protecting her forearm. Already the eyes there have grown back, looking angry and red as they too squirm to which she obliges, dunking her aching forelimb into the watery depths until they settle down. After she'd soaked for a couple of hours, she'd take the pumice stone to them again, scrubbing and scrubbing until they'd all rubbed off and turned the murky water an even filthier shade than it was to start with.

[mickittotheman]

I just read the snippet of your fic from an ask from iansw0rld and I'm just ‼️‼️‼️‼️ about it literally can't form coherent words but I'm obsessed already and I'm very excited to read it! 🖤🖤🖤

GAH omg thank you!!! Here's another snippet. As a little treat. It takes place immediately after the prev one:

______

“What is with you and the fucking sprite?” Mickey grouses the next day. He’s having a bit of trouble looking Ian in the eye, but he’s sure Ian will lure him back into a relaxed state soon enough, his weird fucking alien powers doing whatever the fuck it is they do.

“You got something against sprite, Milkovich? ‘Cause we can’t still be friends if you do.”

Who the fuck ever said anything about fucking friendship? 

Mickey bites his tongue, sure that if he says anything about it Ian will make some stupid quip like, ‘oh? what do you want us to be then?’ and Mickey will have to grit out some answer like ‘strangers’ or ‘mortal fucking enemies’ while fighting a losing battle to keep his cheeks from going pink.

Yeah. Probably way smarter to just let Ian keep thinking they’re friends, no matter how fucking faggy that is.

“This is a fucking bar, man. You ever gonna order a real drink?”

“I’m good,” Ian chirps, slurping obnoxiously at the glass Mickey hands over. “Soda tastes better than alcohol. I’m not 21 yet, anyways. Not for another few months.” 

“Jesus, you aren’t supposed to fucking tell me that.” 

Ian grins at him. “Oh yeah? What ‘m I supposed to do, then?” 

“You’re supposed to show me a fake ID like a normal fucking person. Or just not fucking say shit in the first place, considering we don’t even fucking card people.” 

Ian splays one of his big ass hands over his chest. Drops his jaw in shock. “Mickey. Surely you aren’t encouraging me to break the law.”

Mickey snorts, a smile breaking out on his face despite his best efforts. Ian’s eyes go wide, delighted, his grin the most blinding one yet. Mickey scurries away to refill the glass of some girl who didn’t even fucking ask for one.

“Hey, I didn’t–”

“Yeah, I fucking know. On the house.”

The girl frowns at his language, then perks ups at the concept of a free refill, then frowns again. “You aren’t, like, trying to hit on me are you? Because you are so not my type.”

Mickey directs his eyes heavenwards. The shit he has to put up with in this fucking hellhole.

Ian finally leaves just before ten, just like he always does. He smiles, just like always. And, just like always, his last smile of the night is soft and sleepy in a way that makes Mickey want to punch him. “See ya tomorrow, Mick.”

“No you won't,” Mickey says, snatching the five dollar bill Ian’s holding out. He knows by now to be careful not to let their skin brush as he does it. “Work the opening shift tomorrow, with any luck I’ll be gone before you roll in. And I’m off Sundays.”

Ian frowns for a minute before brushing it off, his grin cropping up again. “No problem,” he chirps. “I’ll come by on Monday, then. My wallet and glucose levels could use a rest from all the drinks, anyways.”

And yeah, okay, Mickey’s had this sneaking suspicion that the guy has mostly just been coming to hang out with Mickey for some insane fucking reason. But for the guy to just straight up fucking confirm it like that? Just put it out there in the open, no holds barred?

It’s fucking unsettling, is what it is. Guy definitely has a screw loose. What is it with EMTs and their weird ass obsessions with making Mickey’s life a living hell.

He spends the last twenty minutes of his shift all fucking jittery and shit. Thank fuck he doesn’t have to deal with this shit again until Monday.

+++

[morning-jellyfish-in-a-teacup]

I feel really weird right now. Today wasn't a bad day but it also wasn't a good day. I think I'm just feeling really disappointed and frustrated with myself but idk because I also don't really feel anything.

I had my final crit for one of my art classes and I was feeling really good about my project. I got a pretty good reception to it and lots of good feedback. Thing is, I wasn't able to interject and read my artist statement which ... would've meant a lot to me. This project and the last one I did are my attempts at understanding all the shit that's been going on since July and the one I just did had a lot to do with all the stuff going on with my friend. But I didn't have a chance to talk about any of that because of time so ... yeah. I then tried to talk about this (the project and not being able to explain it) to another friend but they weren't really interested. The friend the project is about doesn't even know about them (I told them I tried working stuff out in my work but they, too, didn't really give a shit). So I'm feeling really let down, honestly.

Speaking of my friend, things have gotten bad again. We made plans to meet this monday, but she pushed it off to wednesday. Then her classes got cancelled so she wouldn't be needing to drive up here, so she pushed it off again until next monday. I've also been trying to make an effort of texting her more and not making her feel abandoned since she said she felt like I had been doing that to her these past few months (which I admit I had been because of how depressed I was, I also thought she was too busy for me and she thought I was too busy for her so everything was even messier). All that to say ... she hasn't been responding to me. So now I feel even awkwarder and worse about this. Honestly ... I'm not really looking forward to meeting up. It's something we need to do but fuck ... we literally aren't friends anymore.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go grocery shopping. Going to get stuff for the falafels then spend the day making them. In the morning, I'm going to go to the ceramic building to finish glazing some stuff then set them out to be fired. Then I'll finally be done with he class.

Tldr, not feeling great. Groceries tomorrow.

[spacecadetspe]

Dec. 8, 2023

I've put myself through hell this week.

I've put some time and effort into finding myself a house. Not that I'm displeased with my current living arrangements; W has had a flight of fancy due to his father becoming a real estate agent, and together he and I went to look at a few houses with a local agent.

Well, we found an adorable house. I loved it. It needed some fixing up, but that wasn't my biggest problem with it. As much as my agent provided helpful tips and encouragement, I felt rushed almost all the way through the process. She set the closing date on our contract for December 15th. My lease isn't up until August of next year.

She always offered me a way out, but whenever I looked toward the exit, she'd gently steer me away from it. "Don't be afraid." "Don't panic." "You love this house!" And it was true. She hit all the right buttons. And the last thing I wanted was to be afraid of anything ever again. And I can do any terrifying thing if I have someone holding my hand... right?

Well, the last weekend happened. I took W to the hospital. They found exactly nothing wrong with him, and now there's a hospital bill with my name on it. So I took care of him all weekend. And then Fortitude hit his limit and couldn't get out of bed all Sunday. I've also been trying to support a friend of mine who is facing homelessness and is trying to get back on her feet.

And Sunday afternoon, I finally started feeling it. That the whole world was an awful, terrible place, and I couldn't take care of everybody.

The realtor called me on Monday, trying to get me to put down my earnest money for the sale, and I started having flashbacks. I don't have it. If I gave it to her just now, I'd have $24 to my name. And as much as I scrimp and save, I couldn't see myself going back to living off pennies as I tried to care for my family. And I wasn't going to hound my mother for money, even if she was financially capable of supporting me. I'm finally paying for W's tuition and my rent, and living off my own hard work. I'm not willing to ask my mom for money again when she's already done so much for me.

So after I got off the phone with the realtor, I called my mom. I was having flashes of yellow light in my vision; flashes that came with sudden panic and hysteria. I was having flashbacks; feeling trapped, and feeling like I was being led into something I couldn't back out of. And at the time, I couldn't place what my trigger was; only that I needed my mom.

I called her crying, sobbing outside my office. She and my sister talked me down, and then kindly referred me to others in my support group; a cousin who is a real estate broker, and my step-sister who is a real-estate lawyer. They took me out to dinner, where I had a final flashback, and then got tipsy and ate possibly the best ramen of my life and yakked about everything.

And then in the morning, the mortgage lady called me, off the clock (for her; my workday starts early). Generally speaking, I like her. She was incredibly empathetic, and volunteered to call the real estate lady on my behalf; or perhaps call her off. When I told her that I'd spent the weekend taking care of everyone, she asked, "Who's taking care of you?"

That is the problem, isn't it?

If you've never heard of spoon theory, dear reader, it's something I really value in my life. "Spoons" represent the energy you have available to perform pertinent tasks. By a similar token, "fucks" are how much you care about said tasks. But since we live in a household with a kid, it has simply become "spoons and forks." But one day, W asked me a thoughtful question: "So what are knives?"

I had no idea. So I asked Fortitude.

"Knives are your support system," he said. "They're the things that cut tasks into bite sized pieces, whether it's more hands to do the job, or perspective that makes your job easier. Knives are what turns the turkey into turkey sandwiches."

So now I have a whole cutlery set.

Since my financing fell through, I've been able to back out of the contract, much to my realtor's dismay. But as my mom said, it's okay for me to just be comfortable in my own place for now. I'm in a good, safe, pleasant little apartment with everything I really need. And I can enjoy that. I am sad about the house, sure, but I'm not really in any rush, am I?

Gods, I need to go back to Surtr. My chakras are a mess.

[sinswithpleasure]

The Playgirl (ft. LOONA's Yves) [Part 2] [Female Reader]

---------------

Hello! I'm back with part 2!

Futa!Yves x Fem Reader, just in case ya forgot.

If you prefer, this is also on AO3 and AFF!

---------------

Yves shows up on time for tutoring, to your surprise.

"Hey baby."

"Don't 'baby' me."

"Sure. Let's start."

"Alright. Open up the textbook. We're starting from the basics. I've printed out some of the prerequisites for this topic, since what you did last time wasn't up to standard due to lack of practice of the basics. Now…"

Yves listens attentively. In fact, things go a bit too smoothly for the both of you. Yves doesn't make any cheeky quip, pull out any pet names, or flirt with anyone that passes by. The womanizing playgirl you knew disappears, and in its place is a focused, dedicated young woman. Sometimes, you even find yourself staring at her work on the problems in front of her. The change is… welcome, to say the least.

Your eyes roam Yves's styled hair, swiped back to expose her forehead, down to her beautiful large eyes, button nose, and full lips.

God, you're gay. Sure, you're literally admiring the beauty of the most insufferable bane of the universe, but you're just so fucking gay and hot people are hot, no matter how irritating they are, so...

When your eyes shift back up, you're met with Yves's smirk.

"See something you like, babe?"

Fuck.

"N-no."

"Liar."

"Fuck off." You rush to change the subject. "How're you doing?"

"I've been done for a while. You would know if you weren't spending the time looking at me."

You refuse to dignify her with a response, checking through the solved problems. With your coaching, Yves manages to get two more questions correct as compared to last time, but she still makes some simple mistakes.

"Okay, here's the issue. In question two…"

---------------

Yves continues to show up for every tutoring session. Somehow, a week passes by, and it is now Friday.

"Good afternoon, babygirl."

"Don't 'babygirl' me. How many times do I have to say it?"

"Mm, whatever. How're you doing?"

"Why do you care?"

Yves pulls out the chair next to you, leaning back on it, resting her legs on the table. She turns to you, grinning.

"Of course I'd care! You're my tutor, and if you don't feel good, you won't be able to teach me properly. If I don't get taught, I won't learn, then I'll fail, and I don't get to win. You know that I always win."

"I'm not sleeping with you."

"That's what you say, but not what you mean."

"Fuck you."

"That's what you'll be doing in five months' time."

"No I won't. Bring out the Calc textbook. We're going through Chapter 4 today."

"Alright, babygirl."

----------------

The change in Yves becomes apparent when she somehow is present earlier than you on Monday morning.

"Yves?"

"Oh, hey babe."

You sigh at the pet name, but having heard her call you that for quite some time now, it doesn't grind your gears as much anymore.

"Don't 'babe' me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Yves returns her attention to the papers she is working on, and the familiar math problems catch your eye.

"Calc?"

"Yeah. I promised I'll be the best student. Here I am."

"We'll see about that."

"You're looking at it right now." Yves rises from her chair, and in a flash, she has her arm around your waist, her face inches from yours. "I'm going to win, babygirl."

"G-Get off me!" Your face reddens instantly at the close proximity of your lips to hers. Memories of the chaste kiss Yves planted take front and center stage, and you can't help but look away from Yves.

"You're so pretty."

Yves has her gaze locked on your lips, then to your eyes. She is so close, too close, even. Heat flashes all over your body—every touch Yves leaves on you seems to burn.

"I mean it. You're gorgeous."

"T-Thank you."

The smug smirk never leaves Yves's face. She releases you from her smoldering gaze and grip, but she leaves you with a rapidly beating heart and a large distraction for the day to come.

When class begins, Yves tries to take the time to listen to the professor. However, she is soon back to her old ways, flicking paper balls at classmates and being on her phone more than she listens.

"Yves."

"Yeah, baby?" She meets your gaze, her tongue darting out to moisten her dry lips. Her hands carry on working on moulding another tiny paper ball.

"You're not listening."

"I am!"

"What was the last thing the prof said?"

"Um…"

You roll your eyes.

"Best student, my ass."

"I made that promise to you, not to him."

"You won't learn if you don't listen to him either. How're you going to be the best if you can't even do that?"

"Oh, so that's how it is?"

"That's right." You think hard about the words you want to say next, but maybe… maybe it is worth the risk. After all, Yves is still the bane of your existence, but she could be less of that if she keeps up her effort in trying to learn.

"You don't get to fuck me if you're not the best."

You watch as Yves freezes. She stares at you, her jaw hanging, before she steels her gaze to your eyes, staring deep into your soul.

"So this is how you wanna play, babygirl?"

"Yeah." You can feel your bravado slowly disappearing.

"Fine. I'll listen. I'll play by your rules."

Yves leans to your ear, her breath sending shivers down your spine. Her deep whisper makes you shudder.

"You will be mine at the end of the year, baby. I promise you: I'll ace my exams, and you'll love me for it."

Perhaps provoking your seatmate wasn't the best idea. Now you have to deal with the deep flush on your face and neck, as well as the heat between your legs.

---------------

A month passes.

Every week, the same things go by—tutoring, classes, more tutoring, more classes. However, what changes is how close you and Yves get with each other. By no means were the both of you friends, but she isn't as much of a thorn in your side anymore.

[yves💘 sent a message:]

Baby

I need a bit more help with the math from the last chapter.

Can I see you this weekend?

Saturday, 10am, Seoul U entrance?

[You sent a message:]

Sure.

I'll see you.

[yves💘 sent a message:]

Good.

Dress nicely, baby. It's a date.

[You sent a message:]

Fuck off.

You groan when Yves manages to charm you through text. Outfit ideas are already flowing through your head, and you sink your face into the comfort of your palms. Why do you even care about looking pretty for Yves?⁶

Well… that genuine grin she flashed after a muffled gasp of surprise when you wore a dress once in the past month was gorgeous on her. That was why.

You remember Yves actually having the slightest hint of a blush when looking at you, and she seemed to be a little less flirty that day, opting to take short glances at you when she thought you weren't watching. This newfound attention was… welcome. You couldn't deny feeling shy having Yves check you out. After all, you were just the nerd girl in class, and having this attention from a hot girl you could consider a crush not as much of a pain in your ass felt so good.

-----

Saturday arrives, and here you are, waiting outside Seoul University.

You choose to keep things simple: just a simple button-down dress with daisies printed on the fabric. Your hair is tied up in a cute bun. The pink backpack you carry completes the look, with a nice pair of flats.

The sun isn't too bright, and a cool breeze keeps you comfortable while waiting. You can't help but get nervous, though you know it is irrational to feel so. After all, this is just another study session. However, Yves's text to you earlier in the week keeps flashing across your eyes.

'Dress nicely, baby. It's a date.'

You know this is just a study session. However, a part of you dimly wishes that it isn't, before you hurriedly bash those thoughts with a hammer and then set them on fire.

The revving of a motorbike catches your attention before it zooms down the road. You can see the bike move across the lanes, then slowing to a stop in front of you. The rider, clad in all black leather, complete with jacket and boots, seems to freeze in front of you, before slowly drawing the helmet off their head.

"Hey, babygirl."

Yves grins at you, her eyes sweeping over your body. Her gaze lands on your legs, moving up to your torso, your chest, and then to your eyes and hair.

The next words she mutters are meant to be kept to herself, but you hear her anyway.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous."

Your heart takes off, pounding against your chest. You try to hide the flush on your face by staring at the ground, but you field a gaze to Yves, who looks a bit like a deer caught in headlights. She looks so handsome, so cool, and downright fucking hot at the same time.

Hmm… What would it feel like being pinned under her again?

The intrusive thought you have gets stamped out instantly, but the effect lingers—you can't help but check Yves out, feeling a rush of heat deep within your loins.

Her agreement with you was starting to look more and more appealing. Maybe you do have to teach her well.

"Get on."

"What?"

"Let's go. I gotta park the bike, and the cafe isn't close by. Get on."

Yves hands you a spare black helmet, and you hesitantly take it.

"Don't kill me."

"I won't." She grins. "I like you too much to think about doing that."

Your breath catches in your throat. It's not uncharacteristic of her to say things like that so easily, but maybe… just maybe… you want her to mean it.

You get onto the bike as Yves holds it steady. You don't know where to put your hands, but Yves grabs your arms, pulling them to wrap around her waist.

"Hold on tight, babygirl."

"Okay." You can't believe what's happening right now.

"I'm gonna go."

The engine revs.

-----

Yves trails behind you as both of you make your way to the cafe. Yves is quiet along the way, unlike her usual flirting if she caught you staring at her. When you glance back to her, you see her eyes dart away from you, staring at the floor as she swipes her hair back.

Weird.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Never been better, baby." Her reply is unconvincing, especially with a forced grin, but you don't want to really push her for a reply.

"Er… Okay. Sure."

Both of you make your way into the cafe, stopping by the counter to grab the menu. When you sit down at a table, Yves sits across you, her eyes locked onto you as you peruse your options.

"You're staring a lot today, Yves."

"Oh, um, er…" She looks away, her voice soft. This is very unlike her.

"Are you really okay?"

"Yeah, baby. I'm feelin' great, ready to learn, and get good." She leans back, resting her hands on the armrests of her chair.

Oh.

She has a crop top on.

Oh my fucking God, she has abs.

You short circuit.

Two columns of defined muscle greet your eyes, as if to mock you. It wasn't like she was someone you didn't find hot. Now, you have to find out that she also has abs?!

Your mouth dries instantly, and you grab your bottle, taking a swig. The cool liquid quenches your physical thirst, but your mental thirst…

"Don't look too much, babygirl. You might get hypnotized."

Yves tilts your chin up with a finger, moving to lean close to your face.

"My eyes are up here."

Holy fucking shit, she's so fucking hot.

You wonder how you didn't notice them when she had that fishnet and crop top combo. Maybe her pants covered them, maybe you were blinded in your dislike for her. Whatever, you've seen them now. No reason to stop… respectfully staring, especially when you can.

"Look at me."

You meet Yves's smoldering gaze.

"Keep your eyes up here, babygirl." Her warm breath against your lips makes you yearn to lean in and close the gap. "I don't want them anywhere else when they're so beautiful."

You whimper involuntarily, and Yves chuckles.

"You're so fucking pretty, you know that?"

The shame that burns when you squeak and break your gaze to hide in the pretense of reading the menu is something you don't want to admit that you feel coursing through your veins, but it's there. When you lower the menu, Yves has her chin in her palm, her head tilted to the left, a satisfied grin on her features.

"I mean it, baby. You look really pretty today."

"T-Thank you."

"You're welcome. Let's order, I'm starving."

"Okay."

"Oh." Yves leans towards you, lowering the menu to stare into your eyes once more. "You'll get to see what you want to see when I ace the exams. Be patient, babe."

You groan.

-----

That night, you toss and turn on the bed incessantly. Every time you close your eyes, you can feel hot breath across your lips, smell the scent emanating off Yves, and sense her burning gaze on you. Yves's handsome features are burnt deep into your head, and just the thought of her sends your heart pounding and temperature rising.

You think of her abs under her clothes, the defined muscle jumping out to your eyes. She already looks so good, so delicious, and yet, things only go up from here.

The rush of heat between your legs doesn't help things.

You turn again, ignoring your basest desires. Bedtime it is.

[dannobfg]

So I had Covid over the Christmas holidays. I was stuck in quarantine for 11 days till my tests were finally negative. Now, just over a week later, my flatmate has tested positive too. He got it from people at his work. He's in his room, quarantining.

I already lost a week of work, and unfortunately, of pay, given my particular situation of employment. I'm currently waiting for my boss to message me back to tell me if I'm allowed to go into work next week. I think it's likely they'll make me do a test daily, and as long as I test negative each time, then everything should continue normally. This is one more thing that adds to everything going on lately. Feels like this new year has come full of bad luck.

This week my shower broke. Our downstairs neighbor came up saying his ceiling was leaking water. It took 4 days to get it fixed. So at least that's out of the way. At least for now. But like, it was just another thing.

This weekend I was supposed to be meeting my sister and brother for lunch and to chill and catch up, since I didn't see them for Christmas. But obviously, due to fucking covid, I'm not able to go. My sister is only here for a few hours as she is going to the airport to catch a flight. It's too risky to meet up really anyway...but, I'm frustrated at the whole situation. I have fucking had it with this pandemic. Idk if pandemic burnout is a thing, but I for sure have it...

Work is also super intense lately, and next week it's getting even busier. I work about 11 hours a day, Monday through Friday. I hardly have time for lunch or to myself. My social life is nonexistent, and even when I have a little more time on Saturday or Sunday, I'm so exhausted that it's hard to make plans. It's also hard to coordinate plans and schedules in adult life. Everyone has their own job and obligations to take care of. Everything takes a lot of effort and planning. It's exhausting. I miss the spontaneous nature of my life back down south.

I moved to Madrid in the last week of August. It's January now. A friend asked me on videocall recently if I'd made any new friends. I said not really. I haven't had that much free time. And when I have had it, I tried to meet the friends I already knew here. All 2 of them...My coworkers are just that, coworkers. We're not friends, but we're not not friends. I don't actually see them that much either since we're all doing individual sessions in individual rooms.

Am I lonely? Sometimes. When I have some time to myself and my brain starts to actually think instead of just do do do, go go go.

I've started this year off more depressed than I have ever been. It feels like I have so many different things happening all at once and I'm simply overwhelmed.

About a year ago almost now, I finally started to come out to people about being gay. My story is a long and difficult one, growing up in a homophobic environment. I recognize still so many homophobic attitudes and ideas in myself. My deconstruction is being hard. But in this aspect, I am happier than I have been.

Back in February 2021, I had my first boyfriend of sorts. It was a lot more in my own head than it was a reality. I caught feelings and I got myself quite hurt. It took me a long time to get over it. And I thought I had. But for at least two months now, there is not a night that goes by where my mind is not back there with him, going over every little detail of what we lived. Recently I've been remembering things that happened with him that I had forgotten. I think it's so present right now because it's coming up to the "anniversary". Almost a year ago now.

I haven't helped myself by seeking out new experiences with new people. For me it's not easy to feel sexual attraction if I don't have feelings already. I've been familiarizing myself with the concept of asexuality, demisexuality and just grey ace I guess. I still don't feel comfortable anywhere tbh.

See, the whole thing is I don't know who I am or what I want. For the longest time I lived a life where every step was planned out. Not every detail, but yes a general direction. Last year I finally decided I had had enough and stepped out of that life. But I haven't quite found my feet yet in this new one.

I've lost so many people. Family too. It's tough. Some people I haven't told, but they'll find out eventually. The truth always finds a way of coming to the surface.

The transition from student life to work life has also been quite hard. Made worse by this whole pandemic which doesn't seem to want to end quite just yet. Idk, there's just a lot of things happening right now.

I was looking for a relationship for a while. I was stuck in the mindset that another person is what I needed to be happy, or at the very least, happier. But no. The whole culture surrounding gay relationships is fucked up. And in general, it's out of fashion to be monogamous and tied down when you're my age.

I went on so many dates the last few months. It was exhausting. Too many talking phases that ended up nowhere. And if they ended up somewhere, it was the friendzone. I guess in a way, it's partly my own fault. I was putting too much pressure on them. And people are generally scared of commitment and being vulnerable with someone else. I understand that it's not easy, but I do still believe that it's worth it and that it's the only way that I know of, of actually getting to know and love someone.

I've always cared too much about other people. In two ways; about what they think of me, and about them / for them. To me, people have intrinsic worth simply because they are. I think because of the way I was brought up, it feels disrespectful to sexualise someone and nothing else. I think that's why I haven't been able to just hook up with people.

So, I deactivated my profiles on dating apps and have decided to stop seeking out a relationship for now. I'm in no position to actually be able to love someone the way they deserve because my head is too far up my own ass, deep in my own miseries...

I've wanted to start therapy for a long time. But it hasn't worked out yet. It's expensive, and I need it to be in person which involves getting from A to B. I don't have time during the week because of work and many shrinks don't work weekends here. Plus, the online option isn't really available to me since I don't feel comfortable in my own home right now either, and the walls are paper thin.

My living situation is that I'm sharing a flat with two other, older guys. I didn't know them before I moved in. They're nice enough, but they are very heterosexual. The type of guy I do not know how to relate well to and don't have much in common with. Plus, the age difference doesn't help much in that sense.

I originally signed a 6 month contract. That ends in February. I could technically ask for it to be extended, and I may yet have to. I'm not sure that they're that happy with me as a flatmate either, so there's a chance that even if I wanted to stay, they wouldn't allow it. But it's really got me quite stressed out right now. Because rent is super expensive here and the area where I live isn't really one where there is much option available to rent with flatmates...I found this place by pure luck, the good kind. And I would need a whole lot more good luck to find somewhere new.

It currently takes me about 30 mins on the metro to get to work and about 30 mins to get to the centre of Madrid, also by metro. This area is kind of ideal between work and social life. Logistically, moving would also be quite complicated. Honestly idk what I'm gonna do in the end...

Anyway, needless to say, I've got a lot on my plate right now and I'm managing it all poorly. Being a young adult is not easy, and honestly, idk how long I can keep this rhythm up for. My next break of 4 days won't be till April...

I constantly have this feeling inside of wanting to stop and breakdown. But I can't. Literally no more tears left to cry. Plus there's nowhere to go. Like, I feel trapped. I have responsibility in my work. Towards people. I work to help people that need it. My absence would create a void not easily replaced. Not to sell myself high, but my particular CV is not common. In fact, they've been looking for someone for this position for ages, and they're still looking if they were to find someone else to add to the team.

Idk...

I've also been thinking a lot about late-blooming lately. Like, I recently got a second ear piercing and though subtle, it feels like the equivalent of a gay person going through the phase of dying their hair different colours. Like, being a bit rebelious and pushing boundaries and exploring self-expression. I feel like I'm finally in a place where I want to be that way but find myself having to conform to social norms and practises of the profesional work environment. Plus I've always been the good kid, so it doesn't come easy.

I think I'm going to quit my job come summer. And if fucking covid allows, travel and work teaching English again for a bit, until I figure life out a bit more. You know? But that's also kinda crazy.

Like, I've come to realise that most people don't have it together. Most people are just going through life as lost as me. We grow up looking up to older people thinking they have it all figured out. But the truth is, rarely is anyone truly at peace. Maybe that's a little too harsh. But my point is, there's no single point one reaches where life magically is fine. No specific age.

Anyway, I feel like I got a lot off my chest with these words. Excuse my ramblings. I'm not looking for answers. I'm just venting my brain to the internet because I literally have no one else to go to right now.

I feel like such a waste. Like, I've always had so much potential to be great. Yet here I am, depressed as fuck, rambling to the internet...what a mess of a human that I am...

[celosiaa]

hi friend!!! PLEASE keep in mind there is NO RUSH or ANY REQUIREMENT TO WRITE THIS IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE WRITING I'M JUST GIVING PROMPT BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU FEEL LIKE WRITING AND I LOVE YOUR WRITING!! what about canon-era POTS Jon? infections can cause really bad POTS flares (my understanding is that it lowers your BP). it could be after any of his many injuries, but even just a cold can mess with it. and ONLY IF YOU FEEL BORED AND UP TO WRITING <3 TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

hello my dear!!!! you are going THROUGH IT right now!!!! I love you very very much and I hope that this fic will make your day a little brighter <3

So have a little Jon with the flu and a POTS flare up! And friends who love him!

CW nausea, fainting

This was a mistake.

Jon knows it, his body knows it—the entire train car probably knows it too. It’s barely a ten minute’s ride from his flat to the Institute, but it might as well have been an hour trapped in a boiler room for all he can tell. Suffocating, you’re suffocating—is the only message his brain will send him, as he sits squeezed in between two very unfortunate passengers on this snowy Monday morning, trying very hard both not to cough and to stop himself from tearing off his coat and scarf this instant.

Being ill always hits him hard—far harder than it has any right to; harder than he is willing to acknowledge, really—as it always seems to trigger his POTS in the most frustrating of ways. Last time he’d been ill, truly ill, Tim may have paid the price for his stubbornness more than he had himself. What with him refusing to do anything to look after himself, being caught by surprise by a fainting spell, and ending up dragging Tim to the A&E with him to be treated for a nasty head wound. This time around, he has actually taken several precautions, with his compression stockings on, a water bottle, and TENS unit in his bag, just in case the muscle aches from whatever hell bug he’s managed to catch compound the pain from his EDS.

Tim ought to be proud.

Mouth twisting in a smile in spite of himself, Jon resists the urge to bolt out of the train car as soon as the stop is announced, forcing himself instead to stand slowly and carefully before exiting.

—

As luck would have it, the lift had been broken down, forcing Jon to climb the flight of stairs up to the street. Legs nearly giving out on him before he could half-sit, mostly collapse onto the bench at the top, his chest heaves as he tries to convince his body not to faint. With somewhat limited success.

So long as the fading in and out of his vision is not followed by a lapse in awareness, he’ll be alright.

Suffocating suffocating

Whether rational or not, Jon has to pull of his coat and scarf right now, or he’s sure his brain will short out on him completely. He tears at it all as quickly as possible, fingers shaking over the large buttons of his peacoat. Anything to relieve the pressure on his chest, whether brought on by POTS or his congestion, he’s soon to find out. Preferably, he’d like to slow down his breathing a bit before coughing again, but there’s very little he can do to control that—and buries it all in the folds of his scarf, hoping to avoid as many stares from passers-by as possible.

The lightheadedness only bangs against his eyes again as the fit continues, forcing him to fold his legs beneath himself and bend forward in an effort to breathe, breathe. Surely it hadn’t been so bad this morning when he had stepped out of the door—he had been quite certain of his ability to control it enough to get by, and hopefully without raising the alarm about his health throughout the archives. By the sound of it, though, he just hadn’t been getting deep enough breaths to force it all out, as the crackling depth of it alarms even him.

All the same, after a few minutes of breathing deeply with marginally-clearer lungs, he feels finally able to look up again—even shuddering against the soft padding of snowflakes against his shoulders and greying hair, rather than panicking about being boiled alive by his own jacket.

He’ll take what improvement he can get.

Steeling himself to walk the block down to the Institute, Jon pulls up his compression stockings from where they had slipped a bit and pushes on.

—

“So I’m sitting there, right? I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties…”

“You were NOT!” Sasha bellows at Tim, struggling to raise her voice over the sound of Martin’s cackling. “Don’t encourage him, Martin, he always puts this in his fucking stories.”

“HEY! It’s true!! It could have happened more than once, you know.”

“God I hate you so much,” she shouts, sending both Martin and Tim for another round of uncontrollable laughter.

It’s the perfect opportunity for Jon—who exits the lift as quickly as he can, heading for his office with the all the single-mindedness of a particularly winded and dizzy man. Perfect, because no one saw him beyond a shadow darkening the doorstep. No one to raise the alarm as he sinks into his chair, trembling at the exertion of making the journey from the lobby to the basement.

Burying his face in his hands, he sniffs back against the congestion plaguing him, adjusts his position to take pressure off his throbbing legs, and tries to collect his scattered thoughts enough to get to work.

—

Spinning, spinning, spinning are the walls of his office around him, worsening with every cough he stifles into the sleeves of his cardigan. After the initial recovery period when he had finally been able to sit in his office, chest aching with exertion, he had truly felt alright for those first couple of hours—even finding himself able to get lost in statements for a while, barely noticing an hour tick by, two, three. Until his vision started to go out again, and he found himself leaning aching elbows on aching knees, feeling the nausea that had caused him to lose his breakfast that morning rise up again in his throat.

Please, not now. Please.

He’s got to get something in him, knows it would help to at least keep something with salt down, if he can manage it. Regretfully, the only way to stop the dizziness is sure to worsen it first—as his emergency Gatorade supply happens to be in the break room refrigerator.

Text Tim, the rational part of his mind supplies at once, the sound advice on it falling on entirely deaf ears.

Can manage this myself.

I put it there, I can go get it.

Wishing more than anything he had brought his walker, he moves slowly, ever so slow and careful to standing—and stars explode in his vision at once, driving him right back down to the chair again, head between his knees and panting.

Damn it damn it damn it

Calm, just—

Calm down.

Heart pounding in double time to the ticking of the clock on the wall, Jon does everything he can to slow it down, slow it down, ease the stabbing pain of his overworked heart in his chest with the deepest breaths he can manage. It’s not enough, can’t see, can’t breathe—

No no no—

—

Thud.

The sound drives Tim into Jon’s office at once, not for the first time—though never with any less worry or concern. Even knowing what happened, that Jon was almost certainly fine, would never truly take away the way his stomach clenches every time this happens, every time he sees Jon hit the ground, even if he’s able to catch him on the way. And today was especially worrying, with the damp coughing he had heard slipping beneath the office door since this morning.

Please be okay please be okay—

“Jon?” he calls gently, swinging the door open to find him on the ground, rolling onto his back with a groan. “Did you faint?”

“I—yeah,” he replies, more vague-sounding than Tim would like, rubbing the back of his head as he starts to sit up.

Not good.

“You hit your head?” Tim asks as he kneels next to him, already reaching forward to card through Jon’s hair, looking for any sign of swelling or bleeding.

“I don’t—not badly, if I—oh,” he trails off at once, eyes beginning to flutter.

“Alright, easy, now,” Tim mutters, supporting Jon’s head as he shifts back to lying flat again, eyes clenched again the returning dizziness. “It’s really bad today, huh? And you’re ill too.”

In response, all Jon will give is a sigh, draping an arm over his mouth as it turns into a cough, before placing it over his eyes. Something twinges in Tim’s chest at the sight—knowing how much Jon hates this, hates anyone fussing over him even more—and squeezes gently above his knee in acknowledgement.

“What can I do? Anything?”

Still nothing verbal from him for a few seconds—seconds Tim is willing to wait as Jon sorts through both his own unwillingness to ask for help, as well as through his own likely-scattered thoughts. It had taken a lot for Jon to tell him about his POTS in the first place—in fact, that trust had not been built until Tim had to take him to A&E after a particularly bad fall. Now that he thinks of it, Jon had been ill then too—and even grouchier than his current persona of “Boss-man.”

“Was trying to—ugh,” starts, cutting off for a moment to clutch at his stomach, against what is most likely rising nausea. “Was trying to get—get some Gatorade.”

“That’s what all this is about? Getting your nasty-ass purple Gatorade?”

When Jon huffs out a little laugh with a smile, Tim feels very much pumping his fist in the air for joy—but refrains, if only for Jon’s sake.

“Tastes good. Don’t know what you’re missing.”

And a joke?

Should I call an ambulance?

“Tastes like purple,” Tim replies, letting a smile filter heavily into his own expression now. “I don’t mess with shit that tastes like a color.”

A sharp gasp from behind alerts him to Martin’s presence in the doorway.

“Oh Jon, what happened? Are you alright?” he asks, with such deep concern that Jon immediately buries his face in his hands and groans.

“Just fainted, is all,” Tim says at once, waving a sharp hand by his throat to cut off his well-meaning sympathy.

“Right,” he replies with raised eyebrows, carefully schooling his expression in a way that Tim very much appreciates. “Right. Anything I can do?”

“Could grab him some Gatorade from the fridge, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“On it,” he nods at once, and sets off.

Just then, Jon starts up coughing again, so harsh and damp it sets Tim’s teeth on edge.

“That sounds rough, Jon,” he grimaces, reaching up to his desk to grab tissues from atop it and set them on the floor.

“It’s—fine,” comes the reply, of course, accented in between by a hitching at the back of his throat that drives him upwards to sitting.

“Right. Sure,” Tim mutters, rolling his eyes as he braces Jon, whose harsh coughing bends him double with effort.

When he begins to sway a bit, eyes fluttering again—Tim is already to prepared to push his head gently forward and between his knees.

“Easy, easy.”

“Fuck.”

“I’ve got you.”

The shaking beneath Tim’s hands is not altogether a rarity after a bad faint, but something tells him there might be another cause this time. A fever, namely.

“When’s the last time you’ve eaten?” he asks, after waiting for Jon’s breathing to come a bit back under control.

“Didn’t—don’t. Don’t feel well,” he whispers, bending even further forward, enough to have Tim reaching for the bin, just in case.

“Alright, that’s alright,” he whispers in response, feeling powerless to do anything but sit and rub his back.

“Tried,” he starts up again after a moment, altogether shocking an unsuspecting Tim with his verbosity.

“Tried? Tried what?”

“Tried to be careful,” he clarifies, coughing once more into his elbow, and letting it double him back down. “Promise, I—heh—tried. Thought I was fine.”

“I know, Jon,” Tim assures at once, rubbing at his back once again against the trembling, wishing it was doing anything to really help him. “I know, alright? Just save your breath. It’s not your fault.”

Thankfully, by the time Martin reappears with the Gatorade, he’s quite a bit steadier, after the coughing fit has reached it’s end. Much to Tim’s surprise, he even offers Martin a small smile as he cast a long shadow through the office, blocking out the fluorescent light of the hall behind him.

“Alright, time for electrolytes!” Tim cheers, as Martin opens the lid to the bottle before handing it to Jon, who begins sipping at it cautiously.

“You’re shaking—are you cold?” Martin asks, already removing his cardigan and kneeling to place it over Jon’s trembling shoulders.

“No,” he snaps sharply, pushing off the cardigan and shifting around, preparing himself to stand. “I’m alright, just—”

“Hang on, hang on,” Tim soothes, pressing back against Jon’s chest as gently as possible to stop his movement. “Just—hold on a second, alright? Let me get the cot set up in here before you try that.”

“Tim—”

“I know, I know, perish the thought. I get it.”

“You don’t—”

“BUT! But,” he cuts in loudly, holding up a hand to shush him. “You shouldn’t even be here, Jon. You’ve probably got the flu, or something, judging by whatever—whatever is clearly going on here. So please. Just have a lie down for, like, an hour. That’s all I’m asking.”

All I’m brave enough to ask, really.

Another pause, during which it’s Tim’s turn for his heart to pound, watching Jon try to formulate an argument against him with furrowed brows.

And then—everything that had been hunched and furrowed goes slack, as Jon starts to sway dizzily again.

“Oh—oh, Jon,” Martin gasps nervously, helping him slowly lower back to lying on the ground.

“M’fine, fine,” he assures, words slurring a bit as Martin checks his forehead for fever—and if the meaningful glance he gives Tim is anything to go by, he can be pretty certain of Martin’s findings.

“Right. Cot. I’m going to get it, and I’ll be back,” he says firmly, glancing back one more time to find Martin carefully placing his cardigan beneath Jon’s head.

Of course, Tim knows there is still a good deal of fighting to do on the “force Jonathan Sims to take care of himself” front, but this will do.

This will have to do for now.

[ofmermaidstories]

I really like your blog because you have this really life loving vibe, the type of people that see all the beauty in the world and stuff, so I wanted to ask you for some advice, if that's ok. By nature I'm also like that, kinda mushy, very heartfelt, but a lot of mistreatment from people in my life made me also very cynical, judgy and distrusting. How do you manage to keep this wonderous mentality about life?

In the afternoon, I like to stretch out on my bed, amid my pillows and my blankets, and soak in the late light and the autumn chill. I follow a grocer on instagram in a city three hours away from me because they post pictures of the produce they sell: pumpkins cut in half, jewel-bright tomatoes held in someone’s hands, sourdough loaves made by a neighbour. On the weekends they offer bouquets of flowers, supplied to them by a woman who bills herself as “a weekend florist and full-time mother” — this weekend it’s red berries and sunflowers, bundled up like babies being brought home from the hospital.

On Sunday it’ll be Mother’s Day: I’ll be spending the day deep cleaning the house and ignoring instagram and facebook (mostly bc they’re boring tho, let’s be real).

I live a two-hour car drive from anyone I remotely socialise with who isn’t the cashier at the supermarket I go to. Sometimes, I get so mad that I have to force myself to mentally and physically shut down, like, complete black-screen mode, sit there and stare at the wall — it’s a self-defence tactic to spare whoever I’m getting angry at, and to spare myself: unfortunately, I’ve developed a bit of a talent for being able to say the right thing in which to hurt someone with. Unleashing it comes at a high price, and I like the people in my life, so I would literally rather bite through my own tongue then let any of that vitriol fly when I’m angry and not thinking straight.

The rubbish trucks come for the bins every Tuesday. On Monday evening, around 9pm, I’ll wheel mine out to the road. There’s no streetlights out here, and I live in a rural area — so on dark nights when we’ve lost the moon, you can look up and see the Milkyway, like you’re standing underneath a river of stars.

I buy myself flowers; the women at the florist in town treat me like I’m their most favourite person in the world (and I eat that shit up). Afterwards I’ll be carrying whatever weeds I’ve bought with me, through the supermarket or whatever, and someone will always comment on them. I’ve lost one of the pearl earrings that belonged to my Grandmother’s set, a woman long gone, now; I’ve also misplaced my favourite hairclip, pale blue with a shinning shell clasp, that I got from a seller that shut down during the mess of last year.

Last weekend, I visited the cemetery; I sat with who I was visiting and watched an old man half a lawn away from me sit in a folded chair and read a book, play a little radio. A couple, visiting one of the plots behind us, carefully took the decorations on it - frogs, lots and lots of frogs - and brushed them off, wiped them down. Reglued a few and then set them all back into place, proudly.

There’s a young boy, interred next to my person, who I never met in life; he was fifteen years old and it’s been five years, now, and his site is littered with rubgy scarves and laminated letters from his friends, photos of them together, photos of them separately, growing up without him. Empty bottles of beer, badly written poems about meeting again. I say hello to him as I peel mandarins as a offering for the possums that forage around the cemetery at night, and occasionally I brush the leaves off his footy scarves and when I go to leave I say goodbye to him, too. After my last visit, I went to the busiest shopping centre in the city and ate braised beef noodle soup, from a place where they make the noodles in front of you, pulling them and stretching them easily. I messaged a friend with updates about my meal, laughing as she kept me company even from thousands of miles away, and then just as I finished, some friends who live in the city asked if I wanted to have some cake with them — from their favourite cafe. They’d given me a key to their home, earlier, so I could come and go as I pleased. The key meant a lot to me, though they’ll never know it; it meant a lot because it felt like a physical manifestation of trust, of them saying that yes, they did want me in their lives, no matter how limited or what kind of time left we had together.

People are multifaceted; like gemstones. We can be mean and delightful and trusting and hurt. I lean into the soft, squishy parts of myself with abandon — a lot of the time it works out. I tell people I love them. I let them say they love me. A couple of times, people have left my life because they didn’t have the space in theirs for me anymore — it was hurtful and ugly each time. Humans can come together so easily, sometimes, that the joy and brightness of it can make you forget how ugly and hard it is when we leave each other in the wrong way. People and things will hurt you. That’s just a fact. Some days you’re not going to have the energy for anything but the self-preservation of being distrustful, or cynical, judgemental, and that’s okay — I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes we have to be selfish to protect what’s left of our hearts.

I keep a list of things that make me smile. I also keep a list of things that fucking shit me right off. The list of things that shit me is longer than the list of things that make me smile, but it’s because when I see something good — a bright red letterbox, a little kid that’s waving to everyone, a pleasing colour of the sky — I don’t think to write it down, because it’s generally so fleeting and so cheery. It does its job. Find the small things in your day to day that you like to linger over, that make you happy; the bad stuff still happens, and you’ll still have waves where it doesn’t seem worth the effort, but the small bright things fill the moments and remind you that it’s all part and parcel of this universal existence.

Here’s to a gentle weekend ahead, Anon. ✨🌻🍊🌿

[stoopsbookstore]

Physically Wounded and Mentally Drained

"Can you help?"

Johnny stood outside the window of the closest person he knew lived by, the spoiled good-two-shoes, Y/N. His face was bloodied and his shirt had been torn open.

"Why should I?"

Y/N stood at the window, her arms crossed, the TV illuminating her room. The sounnds of sirens startling Johnny until he noticed the movie Y/N had been watching is now on a chase scene.

Johnny flashed Y/N the blood spots in his shirt, his body ready to keel over on her balcony.

"Please, can you just let me in? I did nothing wrong, but I know it's going to be twis-" Johnny's ramblings were cut off by the unlatching of the window, a rush of cool air from the AC hitting him in the face as thunder starts in the distance.

"Hurry up. I'll grab the first aid kit," Y/N pulled on the tall boy's shirt, shutting the window as soon as Johnny got his body inside, "it looks bad, it may be a minute."

"It feels bad," Johnny joked, tapping his chest, the tension in his body still high.

Plopping on the couch, Johnny looked at Y/N's room. A four-poster queen-sized bed with a cream colored canopy. Her desk was neatly organized with her statistics textbook open, signifying that she had been studying before his interruption. Reaching over, he grabbed the textbook.

"That's right," Johnny flipped through a few pages, the highlighted text a slight blur to him, "Douglas's exam is Monday."

"I forgot you're in the same class as me," Y/N took the damp rag in her hand, wiping the dirt off of Johnny's face, taking the textbook from him and throwing it on her bed, "and I'm going to ignore how you know where I live."

"Sorry, I know it's creepy to know where your mortal enemy lives, you can blame that prick, Hendery."

Johnny tried to break the tension, taking his leather jacket and placing it on the window ledge next to the couch. Y/N kept wiping the dirt and blood off where she could find, a need to help someone as awful as Johnny coming over her.

"Can you not get blood on the couch please? My parents would kill me," Y/N gave a towel to Johnny, the tall boy throwing it over his shoulders.

Mortal enemies? Awful?

"We're not mortal enemies," Y/N took some antiseptic out of the box of medicine, smearing it on a gash on Johnny's knuckles, "I just find you extremely annoying and vulgar. You and your friends just run amok with no sense of conseq-"

"And you and your friends act like a bunch of prudes, acting like you're better than everyone else because you come from money," Johnny winces when Y/N wiped the clean wound, a sharp inhale as she pulled a sharp piece of gravel from his flesh.

"Did you just forget who's helping you from whatever the fuck happened to you?"

Y/N continued to clean the injuries Johnny had acquired, the silence deafening. Biting his lip, he continued to look around her room. A decently sized TV sat on a 5-drawer dresser, the walls looked like they were painted a similar color to her bed. It looked like a normal room, Johnny can't figure out why that surprises him so much.

"I have to grab some gauze, I'll be back," Y/N kept her head down, walking to the bathroom.

Johnny took the chance to explore, although his body felt like collapsing. Looking in a mirror, he saw that the blood, dirt and gravel had vanished from his skin, but his shirt was still covered.

Y/N did a good job of cleaning me up.

He noticed a picture frame next to her bed. Walking over to it, he picked it up for a closer inspection. His eyes scanned the photo, it had to be a few years old as it looks like it was taken on the last day of their high school career. Y/N's uniform jacket was off, another girl had taken it to the side and Taeyong andbJaehy-

Taeyong? Jaehyun?

"I know I keep saying this, but plesse don't get blood on anything," Y/N took the photo from Johnny, placing it back on her nightstand, "I grabbed some of my dad's clothes you can change into."

"How do you know Taeyong and Jaehyun?" Johnny questioned.

"The normal response to someone giving you clothes is thank you," Y/N took Johnny's hand, wrapping up his knuckles in gauze and taping it closed.

"How do you know them?" Johnny stared at Y/N, towering over her like he did everyone else.

"How do you know Hendery?"

"I'm trying to be nice here. Understand you," Johnny threw his hands up in the air, hitting his thigh and wincing.

"Take your shirt off so I can throw these in the wash," Y/N grabbed the towel from the couch, holding her hand and doing her best to dodge the question.

"Are you ashamed of them?" Johnny took his shirt off, what looked like a shoe print on his skin and a gash on his abs.

Abs?

"N-no," Y/N stammered, taking the shirt from Johnny, wrapping it up in the towel and grabbing the first-aid kit, "I just haven't talked to them in a while."

"I know, they hang around me," Johnny chuckled, a slight smile appearing on Y/N's face.

"I should go put these in the washer," Y/N walked to her door, Johnny following behind her, "what are you doing?"

"I've never been in a place like this, when will I get another chance?" Johnny reached for the doorknob, Y/N reaching for his wrist, "I won't get blood on anything."

"I hope so. The blood should be congealed by now," Y/N quietly opened the door, checking down the hallway like a little kid on Christmas night looking for Santa, "ok, let's go."

Y/N tiptoed down the hallway, every step carefully planned while Johnny basically stomped, his footsteps on the shiny wood vibrating throughout the dark corridor.

"Can you be quieter please?" Y/N quietly yelled at the tall boy, "I don't want to get in trou-"

"Y/N, is that you?" Y/N pushed Johnny into a closet, a grown man standing at the landing of the stairs, "what are you doing?"

"I started my period and accidentally bled on my blankets," Y/N kept her body on the closet door, the handle jiggling, "I was going to throw them in the washer."

"Alright," footsteps could be heard retreating, "get to bed soon though, you have a test and an exam tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you, too."

Y/N cautiously opened the door, Johnny pretended to struggle for air as he walked out. Seeing Y/N's face, Johnny put his head down.

Getting to the laundry room, Y/N drenched the shirt in stain remover, an awkward silence falling over to the two. After Y/N put the shirt in the washer, with the few towels and rags she had used, she tended to the gash on Johnny's chest.

"Arms up."

"I was jumped by those SVT guys," Johnny confessed while Y/N placed a patch and wrapped the large gauze around his chest, "3 of them. I'm surprised it wasn't more. That Mingyu dude has a good kick and Church dude has a punch like I've never seen."

Y/N stayed quiet.

"Are you okay?"

"You're the one wounded, I don't think you should be asking me that," Y/N taped the gauze, putting back the first-aid kid back together.

"I'm sorry for what I said earl-"

"Water under the bri-"

"Y/N, what's goin-"

"I'm fine, I promi-"

"Clearly no-" Johnny's voice grew louder in the small room.

"Will you please keep it down?"

"Will you tell me what's wrong? You've been quiet ever since your dad almost caught us," Y/N kept her mouth shut, cleaning up around the room to avoid the question, "Look. I'm trying to be nice here. Will you please tell what's going on?"

"You wouldn't understand, Mr. I do what I want. I had to stop being friends with Jaehyun and Taeyong because they were quote-unquote bad influences," Y/N finally snapped, throwing a shoe at Johnny, narrowly missing the newly dressed wound, "Mr. I get to do what I please and not have to worry about grades or jobs or maintaining relationships where your parents control every aspect of your life."

Johnny tried to talk, but the floodgates had opened, Y/N let everything out, her eyes watering with every syllable.

"You get to go and be free when I have to be like the perfect child for my parents. I can't even go to any functions on campus like the Spring Fling or the Fall Festival because my parents probably signed me up to watch a booth or volunteer at the snack tables. Do you realize how hard it is to be my age, in classes for a degree, and not have a job because my parents don't want me to get one because I'll just marry my dad's friend's son. I don't even like Minho like that and I'm excepted to just fall in love with someo-"

"Breathe. Ok, please just breathe," Johnny noticed Y/N had started shaking, her body trembling, "are you okay if I hug you?"

Y/N nodded. Johnny's long arms tugged her closer, her sobs muffled by his chest.

"Let's get you back to your room."

"But your shirt."

"I'll pick it up later."

Walking back to her room, Johnny helped Y/N to her couch, her head landing on his shoulder. The TV had begun playing infomercials, Johnny's hand rubbing Y/N's arm in an effort to calm her down.

"I know it's hard, but you'll be okay. I went through the same stuff when I was younger. Finally, Doyoung kicked me in the ass and told me to move in with him. I've been on my own since I was 16. My parents were pissed."

Tilting her chin up, Johnny reassured Y/N with a simple smile.

"You know, I've learned more about you in the hour or so you've been bandaging me up than I have in the years we've known each other."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, I think it gives me a new understanding about you. Hopefully it's the same vice versa."

"Yeah, you're physically wounded and I'm emotionally drained."

The pair laughed, rain tapping on the window.

"I guess I'm stuck here now."

"The couch folds ou-"

"I was joking. Your parents wouldn't be too happy if they discovered a rebel like me in the princess's room."

"They're out of the house by 7am and they don't check on me, just a call around 8 to make sure I'm up," Y/N unwrapped Johnny's arm from her shoulder, wobbly standing up to grab a blanket from her closet, "worse comes to worse, just run in the closet, it's big enough to hide in."

"Thanks, princess."

"Will you be okay?" Y/N flipped through the channels as Johnny got comfortable on the couch, his jacket acting as a pillow.

"Will you?"

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: Your nan in? Janis: what? Jimmy: not a hard question, does she work weekends or what? Janis: stop trying to get with my nan, freak Jimmy: I'm trying to do nowt, our kid is Jimmy: [a picture of Bobby with a lewk on and some kind of gift for Libi because he's asking her out lowkey] Jimmy: so go on, she there or not? Janis: Aw Janis: where's he off to? Janis: I'm looking after Libi, dunno if it's classed as punishment or they just wanted to piss off out for the day that bad Jimmy: Asia's sister's having a 🥳🎂🎁 and he don't wanna go on his own Jimmy: last night were the first I heard Jimmy: so I said I'd ask if he can invite Libi out Janis: relatable Janis: wouldn't wanna face all those 🦷🦷 alone either Janis: I'll show her the 📸 sure she'll be pure buzzing Jimmy: it's alright for you I've gotta piss about and translate 'cause none of them can be bothered to learn how to talk to him Jimmy: not til 🕑 loads of time to put her 👗👠👑 on but he's been ready for ages Janis: I mean, glad they haven't just assumed they can shout really, really loud at him Janis: only cute when she does it, obvs Janis: but that's shit, Asia's gonna think you're hanging about to 👀 her, you know Janis: 👗👠👑 and everything Jimmy: I were 🤞 she wouldn't wanna be there surrounded by kids and that, but they probably are her mental age Jimmy: be a right laugh then, this 😒 Jimmy: 🤞 now I can convince the pair of them to go do something else Janis: they're weird about it Janis: great for the 'gram pretending you're bezzies with your little sisters Jimmy: the rest of the #squad gonna be there then? Janis: not 💀👑 or #2 I doubt Janis: maybe the others though Jimmy: I get it, they'd scare the kids Jimmy: float away if they grab a 🎈 Janis: with their combined BMI, no point pretending they wanna be future mummy bloggers Janis: 🩸🩸 pact it ain't Jimmy: sure Azerbaijan or whatever her name is, is gutted they ain't coming Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: Auntie Mimi Janis: 😏 Jimmy: you got a 👗👠👑  there you can chuck on an' all? Janis: so nice of you to reckon I'm ready to step in to sign backup Jimmy: you know loads of insults, that's all the birthday girl ever has to say to him Janis: she must be unbearable Janis: Asia with less filter, some fucking how Janis: I can come with Jimmy: tah Jimmy: it were doing his head in 💭 what it might be like Janis: understandable Janis: kids are dicks Janis: but if everyone else is going, you don't wanna be the one who don't Jimmy: yeah, he weren't having that Janis: they'll have a good time Janis: providing he ain't 😳 to be seen with her Janis: she's putting on some kind of costume rn Janis: might need to 👍👎 Jimmy: he'll be chuffed Jimmy: if this party had been the other year with his mates from home he'd have put his own 👗👠👑 on Janis: Asia's probably dressed bday girl up in a matching 'fit with her Janis: lovely visual, not weird as fuck Janis: they'll be the most 😎 ones there, deffo Jimmy: I'm wrapping a weird doll with massive 👀 that looks like her on a night out rn Jimmy: [a picture] Janis: ✝️✝️✝️ Janis: gonna tell the hot priest to book that in after me Jimmy: sent a 🎁 list, her mini me, you ever heard of such a pisstake? Jimmy: mate, you're turning 7 Janis: bad enough when adults do it just 'cos they've decided to do the paperwork Janis: that's some bullshit Jimmy: she's such a little twat 🤞 Libi gives her the shit 🎅 treatment Janis: letting her bring her whatever tat she's picking up about the gaff Janis: go ahead, like Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: brb gonna go dress in all black like those dickheads who work puppets Janis: when are you not all in black though Jimmy: loads Janis: 🏫 don't count Janis: no choice Janis: or whatever the CG uniform is Jimmy: 1. I weren't on about school 2. you know what the uniform is, you've been in Janis: not committed it to memory like Janis: soz Janis: have to 💭 about Pete more, you're right Jimmy: you did 👀 at it enough, dickhead Jimmy: but I get it, my 👀 are up a bit from the apron Jimmy: very PG, you Janis: PC and PG Janis: 💔 Jimmy: good thing I've got you to rein me in at this bollocks party Janis: not a wet blanket Janis: but this party will probably be traumatizing enough so you're welcome anyway Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: she can stay at ours after if she wants, let you piss off and do something that ain't Janis: oh, yeah, cheers Jimmy: no bother Janis: if you ever need, he can come here Jimmy: take you up on that when this Sharon's gone and Ian's hanging about 💔🎻😭 Janis: a new one? Janis: or is xmas Sharon back Jimmy: doing the rounds her Jimmy: be a record Janis: 😱 Janis: buy a hat Jimmy: get another exorcism booked, more like Jimmy: been trying to 🙏 her away Janis: he's a little preoccupied rn Janis: oops, soz, He's Jimmy: bloody typical Janis: shit nan got in early and they're like 🤝 Janis: do anything for her Janis: priorities Jimmy: 💔 she won't do owt for me Jimmy: reckoned I'd made a top first impression Janis: @ her Jimmy: what is it? Janis: @godandmejudgingeverybody Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: she reckons so too Jimmy: I worked that out when we 🤝 Janis: BFFs in the making Jimmy: obvs Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: if she's chucking about incense an' all, I might do Janis: Poor boy Janis: baptism of 🔥 ain't far off Jimmy: still 😱😱 you didn't do that to Lucas' car Jimmy: what did I even bother giving you a lighter for, girl? Janis: 😒 piss off Janis: you didn't see how fucked it was Janis: talk 😱😱 like Freddie got hold of it Jimmy: where's the 📷s? Janis: love keeping evidence on my phone, me Janis: think on Janis: getting us out of detention, not back in Jimmy: weren't gonna tweet 'em, calm yourself down Janis: see for yourself Monday Janis: not like he can afford a replacement or paint job Jimmy: he'll have had it done piss poor Janis: just some emulsion Janis: not for his baby Jimmy: gotta do what you've gotta do Jimmy: we've all nicked out the 🎨 cupboard Janis: 🤓 Jimmy: oh so you don't want today's? alright Jimmy: ❌ Janis: didn't say that Jimmy: in the 🗑 now, Janet Janis: shut up Janis: give it me Jimmy: when I see you Jimmy: can't have you feeling left out about all these 🎁s Jimmy: our kid's been trying to pick half the garden like it ain't winter Janis: so smooth, that one Jimmy: SO 😍💕🤝 the pair of them Janis: it's pretty cute Janis: for now Jimmy: can't wait to see how many Josephs the star of the nativity's got Jimmy: bet her sister and me can't count that high Janis: you calling a 7 year old a slag? 😏 Jimmy: don't sound like me, that Janis: 💭 about someone else then, my bad Jimmy: that sounds like you, we're back on track Janis: now I'm a slag Janis: have been chatting to my nan Jimmy: ain't my fault 💀👑 reckons 💭 is cheating if anyone else does it Janis: the dissonance between that and 1. what she do and more importantly 2. what daddy do Janis: 🤯 Jimmy: dunno what your 🤓🗨 means but she's a hypocrite, yeah Janis: come on Janis: left out cognitive for you Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: Bill wanted you to have that Janis: that's why he's my fave Jimmy: alright, I'll leave you to @ him Janis: OR Janis: you could be nice to me and I'll reconsider my ratings Jimmy: invited you to a 🥇 party a bit ago Jimmy: don't get nicer than that, dickhead Janis: **a shit party, possibly the shittest if Asia's had fuck all to do with organizing Janis: but you are bringing me a pity present so 🥉 Jimmy: Oi, it's a masterpiece Jimmy: and I'm having Libi for you when she's 🎂🧁🍭🍬😁 Janis: you aren't offering spoilers Janis: but you did offer that Jimmy: you can have one that I reckoned wouldn't be #goals enough Jimmy: [funny doodles shading the gals and this party etc, we know what I'm saying] Janis: 😂😂😂 Janis: it's 🤓 goals Jimmy: you can frame it, just don't stick in on your story Janis: still know what I'm doing Janis: not been that long Jimmy: THANK GOD Jimmy: teaching you signing is one thing Janis: oi Janis: you don't need to teach me nothing about #goals Jimmy: you do alright Janis: better than any other bitch could Jimmy: that'll be why I picked you Jimmy: not some other lass Janis: don't act like you're regretting it then Jimmy: if I were performing that scene it'd be loads more dramatic Janis: wait for your cue Jimmy: how about you stop reading ahead Janis: 🤪 Jimmy: I said you were doing alright not that I were regretting owt Janis: I don't like the sound of alright Janis: sounds a bit participation 🏆 Jimmy: *🥈 Janis: that means 🥈 as a team Janis: joint effort Jimmy: it means you're 🥈 to my 🥇 Janis: bollocks Jimmy: how is it? Janis: you're no better Janis: we do the same amount Jimmy: UGH fine Janis: you can't be 🥇 on your own Janis: ✊🍆 Jimmy: couldn't be #goals on my own Janis: same thing Jimmy: is it? Janis: with what we're talking about Jimmy: I were giving you my review, not the fans Janis: I know how big your head is Janis: no need to 💬 Jimmy: you can have a 🥇 for how massive yours is an' all Janis: I don't want that one Jimmy: what do you want? Janis: 🥇 review Jimmy: that's what you had before you picked holes in my wording Janis: fine Janis: say it again and I'll 🤐 Jimmy: I'll 🤐 Janis: UGH fine Jimmy: 🙄 ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Janis: if I wanted to chat to my sister Janis: I'd ask if she was coming Jimmy: and if I wanted my lines corrected I'd @ Bill's 👻 Janis: maybe if I 🔊 'em I'd feel different Jimmy: I'll follow Libi's lead Janis: as long as it's before the shindig Janis: doesn't sound #goalz Jimmy: we'll have to whisper then Jimmy: wouldn't want the birthday girl to hear me calling her a twat Janis: 😏 Janis: not 🥇 guest behaviour Janis: heaven forbid Jimmy: have to have our own party and have it be up to us what's 🥇 guest behaviour Janis: we should Janis: but where Jimmy: we can have it here 🤞 they'll trash the place and Ian'll be so 💔🎻😭 he packs what's left up Janis: alright Janis: but where are you putting the kid Janis: your sister can hang maybe but call me crazy, six is a bit too young Jimmy: with his 👰? Janis: 💡 Janis: we could set that up Janis: my nan works with kids, the non-shit one Libi lives with Janis: he'd be good Jimmy: there you go then Jimmy: ✔👍 Janis: BUT WHAT WILL WE WEAR Jimmy: OMG! Jimmy: 🛍🛍🛍!! Janis: 😍😍😍 Janis: YAAAAAAAASSSSSS Jimmy: what are you actually wearing for this bollocks in a bit though? Jimmy: 🚫💡 me Jimmy: do I go #goals or do her head in? Janis: you don't wanna look like you've made a special effort for her Janis: but I will be there so 🤔 Janis: go hot but more what they 💭 I'm into Jimmy: so dress like a lass? alright Janis: 😒❌ Janis: peak 'you' Janis: twat Jimmy: 😎 I get it Janis: 👏 Janis: there you go Jimmy: tah 😘 Jimmy: would HATE to upstage the birthday girl Janis: I've checked their socials to make sure I do Janis: as you asked Jimmy: should be in the group chat Jimmy: [shows her pisstakey qs he's been sending Asia] Janis: I turned the notifs off Jimmy: they do go on and on Jimmy: I won't 🗨 that'll be why you're 🥈 Janis: they wanna 🗨 to you Janis: not me Jimmy: but I want to talk to you Jimmy: and read what you have to say to them, obvs Janis: okay, fair point Jimmy: you're funny, said that before Janis: I won't  🗨 if it's list worthy Jimmy: alright, I won't tell you Janis: 😔 Jimmy: what? Janis: now I wanna know, obviously Janis: but Jimmy: but? Janis: won't ask won't tell Jimmy: so ask Janis: well you'll probably just say nah now Jimmy: make me sound like more of a dickhead Janis: you're not Janis: you just take the piss Jimmy: I know when to leave it out Janis: okay Janis: so does it? Jimmy: why wouldn't it? Janis: I know I'm great and have a MASSIVE head and everything Janis: but don't crack myself up Janis: 🤣🤣🤣😬 Jimmy: it's my list Jimmy: dunno why that's hard to get your head round Jimmy: you don't get a say what's on it and it don't matter if you agree or not Janis: alright Janis: were just saying why it might not be Jimmy: alright Janis: but is it Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: not gonna have a list of things and just not put something I give you loads of compliments about on it Janis: okay Janis: 😎 Jimmy: 🚭 for a bit 💔🎻 Janis: might have cigars Janis: is a birthday Jimmy: one Asia might've organised Janis: those candy ones Jimmy: 🤞😁🤞 Janis: Bobby will be in his impression element Jimmy: he'd have to take Libi's fav 🖍 out from behind his 👂 Jimmy: not very #goals Janis: goals when she realises Janis: so 😍 Janis: she's done him a picture Janis: tell him to pretend it's good Jimmy: well harsh critic, you Jimmy: dunno if I wanna give you this 🎨 now Jimmy: or tell him owt 'cause he's been trying to get us to go knock on your nan's door for ages Janis: she's 4, and not picasso Janis: that's not mean Janis: we are ready, if he wants to come play first, or go to the park Janis: whatever Jimmy: you've near had my 👂 off, don't make me van Gogh Jimmy: be nice to me Janis: awh Janis: don't be 💙 Janis: come over Jimmy: okay Janis: you don't have to Janis: but she's rabid too Jimmy: I've left, not gonna turn him back round Jimmy: hang on Janis: 👍 Jimmy: [show up so Bobby can adorably ask Libi to come to this party with him like it's a date on the doorstep and Jimothy can give his bae a single 🌹 for the shakespearean romance of it along with this 🎨 which I like to think isn't just a doodle like the rest but a full moment because she really inspired him by getting them out of detention] Janis: [she will be thrilled, love to imagine how iconic the party fit we've assembled is, a whole mishmash of things we love you know the vibe, probably gonna smooch him like what a lovely surprise and this is her romcom now lmao, thank god these kids be distracted 'cos we are likewise overwhelmed af by both these gestures in a way we don't even want babbies to see thank you] Jimmy: [I know that you'd never be able to find a lewk iconic enough for this mvp so I shall imagine it, likewise glad that these children are having their rom com moment because adorable but also because Jimothy would be feeling so awks because we don't normally try with our art and don't think we're good at it, go show Bobby your room gal, kids love doing that and JJ can have a cuppa or something and calm down] Janis: [yeah idk what pinterest rabbit hole I'd have to go down but doubt we'd get the desired effect, I'm thinking some kind of superhero moment on top w a cape, then a tutu, then some snazzy boots, then a crown, you know exactly the moment we're wilding and Asia's sisters are gonna be like oh lmao, probably put Killer in the garden so she doesn't bowl Bobby over immediately but you can go play with her too, just keep looking at this art shamelessly 'cos he's stepped his game up and we are impressed, also finding a way to braid this rose into our hair which again doubt I'll get a photo but it'd be a lewk as well, go sit with your cuppas like the parents you are lol] Jimmy: [yeah they are usually v basic with their children's lewks you'd need instagram or like a celeb who lets their kid dress themselves and even then, might not be the vibe, Asia's sisters can honestly fuck off because we know the older one who's like younger than Cass so in my head probably like 9/10 is an even bigger bitch so, what's important is how buzzing these kids are because haven't seen each other for ages and how 😳 Jimmy is by her reaction to the art and her hair lewk and how shamelessly he'd be checking her out when she was making the tea because we know she's also wearing one] Janis: [like she's 4 hens idk what to tell ya, she does not care for your shade, we're having a time, we all know the gals, whoever be there, will be going for an overly girly look so you'd win by default but we've clearly tried 'cos want to and we know why] Jimmy: [not soz that she's not 7 going on 17 like the bday gal, idk about you but I feel like if Hollie has any siblings they are probably brothers so she has no reason to be there, so realistically none of them might be unless Grace is babysitting instead of working in the clothes shop in which case she might be but it wasn't really about any of you or for your benefit hens, plus that feels like a vibe because Asia probably was thinking she'd flirt with him] Janis: [tea, like she's a hoe so she don't care but she could've gone in if none of them were about so a mood, not soz to stop that awkwardness at all 'what continent is in his class then?'] Jimmy: [lbr Mia would be encouraging her to like she'd been trying to get Grace to when he first arrived so yeah, as for replying to the bae we just 😏 and shrugging as we make up loads of more and more ridiculous names] Janis: [we all know it, like okay ladies it's clearly not going anywhere but pop off embarrassing yourselves trying, just having a moment of doing that back and forth for the lols] Jimmy: [let it go Mia! we all know he'll have choked on his tea at least once because she is funny we weren't wrong] Janis: [we've missed this] Jimmy: [live your best lives kids even if he would keep getting distracted by the hair 🌹] Janis: ['any particular plan of attack or?'] Jimmy: ['you not leaving me on my own 'cause she'll have one for me' we're joking but lowkey where is the lie] Janis: [just a look that is like ew but obviously 'or with her ma' 'cos just imagining her as an older Asia like there's just all the generations here] Jimmy: [the look on his face would be everything because we've not even considered that] Janis: [just like mhmm, doubt you've ever met her mum in a real capacity girl but also doubt you're wrong lol 'dad did one for a reason...I'll protect you'] Jimmy: [snuggling into her like we're trying to hide which is obvs purely for the pisstake and not because we want to] Janis: [snuggling him back but in a really extra way to prove we're also in on the #bants of it all] Jimmy: ['you got a plan?' like is there anything you wanna do to fuck with the gals while we're there, blatantly still in the snugg as we say this] Janis: [thinking, not just to drag this whole experience out but you know, 'are we inviting them to the party?'] Jimmy: [drawing little ?s on her skin while she's thinking without thinking ourselves about how distracting that'd be or why we probably shouldn't rn 'depends'] Janis: [! when he's doing it but then doing it back to the depends] Jimmy: ['are we still their fake mates?' because lbr the temptation always to just tell them all to go fuck themselves and genuinely thinking about how she was gonna behave at this party if Janis wasn't there] Janis: [shrugs 'they're shit mates, we don't have to invite them and we could still use it later to fuck with them' like they'll get over the diss of not being invited so fuck it if we don't wanna] Jimmy: ['alright' boy you make me laugh does that mean you wanna invite them or you don't] Janis: [tickle him a bit like alright what, dickhead] Jimmy: [so fake offended like excuse you I'm not off my tits on Helena's pain meds today but we know he's actually okay because he's obvs ticking her back more than she did to him] Janis: [getting out 'I will kick you' but as a warning not a threat 'cos don't wanna actually injure you here boy] Jimmy: ['no you won't' lowkey sounds like a challenge there boy but we know you're saying she loves you too much 'not shit mates, us'] Janis: [a LOOK 'we're alright' 'cos didn't mean to drag you so much over a word, the feels are confusing and high] Jimmy: [return the LOOK 'and you are' because you're alright too still even though you did drag him 😏] Janis: [between 🤭 and 😳 like okay, I know, shh but we're not mad 'you' like you too bitch] Jimmy: [touch her hair like you've wanted to this entire time 'but this...' like this needs a word you won't drag me for because you've made such good choices gal 'not alright' because at the same time WE ARE AFFECTED AF] Janis: ['do something about it then' which IS a challenge but you know full well these kids are in and out/you have no time but do we care] Jimmy: [is going to pull her hair in that way that's meant to be playful and pisstakey but is saucy as all hell because of course he is] Janis: [trying so hard NOT to react and make a sound that the lip bite you have to do would be indecent Jimmy: [so indecent that he'd have to do his own while we run our thumb over her bottom lip like always] Janis: [kissing that thumb honey] Jimmy: [I hope the kids are busy because we're making a SOUND like it or not] Janis: [be in the bedroom playing happily tah] Jimmy: [you gotta because we're pulling her into our lap to kiss her] Janis: [we will let you have this 'cos you need to] Jimmy: [likewise gotta let him also pull whatever clothes he needs aside so he can do an epic lovebite somewhere where these kids nor the kids at this party can't see the massive bruise because they'd all have faded and that upsets me] Janis: [boo says not on my watch, I also sincerely hope mcvickers have gone somewhere for the day and don't just waltz in now because we are so into it] Jimmy: [soz but we've started something now without him stopping himself so we literally cannot stop, it has been forever since they last did any of this] Janis: [concerned he would never wanna again so we're doing the most rn] Jimmy: [I don't even need to say how into it he is] Janis: [bit rude of us to do this and send you to a kid's party but that's life] Jimmy: [I am that rude bitch] Janis: [if it wasn't rude to Bobby we'd just dump you on 'em but you know, this has dealt with some tension and increased the rest lmao] Jimmy: [you're welcome but also I'm soz (I'm not though) hens] Janis: [gotta stunt on Asia so she can report back] Jimmy: [we shall and it'll be glorious] Jimmy: [I was thinking there should be a person there doing the kids' make up and nails because she's 7 going on 17 and so Bobby should get his painted Libi's fave colour and vice versa] Janis: [that's cute as hell, Libi acting like this makeup lady is a facepaint one like make me this tah] Jimmy: [don't worry gal, jimothy will paint your face for you when we leave this party and it will be bomb because I feel like the makeup woman is like that hairdresser woman in the duchess who wouldn't let her daughter sit in the car] Janis: [Luckily you to lil to be made to feel embarrassed just like hmm you're not very good are you like can't make me a tiger? bit shit hen lmao] Jimmy: [sass everyone gal JJ are here for it and you know they'd also ask her to facepaint them, just coming at her with ideas until she's like please stop] Janis: [this woman trying to paint pink nails and do some sparkly gloss and we're like challenge yourself babes, also gonna scran this party food it better be good fam] Jimmy: [I hope it tastes alright at least even if it looks tacky as hell lol] Janis: [at least you can't not go the sugar route at a kids bday, can't make 'em eat salads n water lol] Jimmy: [imagine everyone dancing please, JJ be dancing, Libi and Bobby, Libi and Jimothy and Janis and Bobby] Janis: [a whole mood, imagine everyone's faces at all times it's so amusing] Jimmy: [I can't wait for when Asia reports all of this back to Mia and she sees all the content everyone is posting] Janis: [when has a boy ever, the idea of even bringing one home horrifies y'all] Jimmy: [not at all soz that he's actually the softest boy ever and loves both of these bubs instead of whatever weird barista stereotype y'all thought] Janis: [they obvs thought he was 😎 stereotype for real like ok gals] Jimmy: [omg just saw on Pinterest these cards like who knows the bday girl best that you fill in and we have to have JJ fill in some for their own lols that they obvs aren't gonna give to this child but] Janis: [that's a must omg] Jimmy: [also there should be like a cupcake decorating station or something like that because the bubs would actually have fun doing that and JJ can be competitive doing theirs] Jimmy: [photobooth goes without saying but one where the photos come out and you can keep them because then we can have so many great mems thank you] Janis: [when we're just ignoring every guest lowkey love it] Jimmy: [obvs if there are kids in your class you fuck with Bobby you can proudly introduce Libi to them, cos let's assume they aren't all dicks] Jimmy: [and lowkey Libi can introduce Bobby because he's been too shy to talk to any of y'all] Janis: [statistically, some of you must be okay lol, also some kids lowkey like the shine of a 'different' kid and like to like help, which is cute even if it's a bit like oh you special, they don't mean it like that] Jimmy: [yeah at that age they are basically just trying to be nice and helpful so it's fine] Janis: [make some friends, Libi is v sociable so this should be fun and not as terrible as you worried, we got you babe] Jimmy: [at least if Libi has got this JJ can have a sec to themselves] Janis: [got to be couple #goals too, I mean we have been but like, keep Asia away] Jimmy: [because that's the ONLY reason honey not that we just wanna] Janis: [mhmm, obvs, not like we got interrupted from going there] Jimmy: [and we obvs think she's gonna just leave after this and go do whatever so we're trying to make the most of this time as if we won't shamelessly invite her in to have her face painted] Janis: [like where does she wanna be, she didn't even wanna beforehand but especially not now lol god bless] Jimmy: [like he probably thinks she wants to go 🐕🏃 for that 💰 but you could literally take these children with you sir] Janis: [like that is what we would do but we also want a life 'cos we've not for these last 3 going on 4 years and it's getting old] Jimmy: [the tea because likewise all he does is work and look after Bobby and Cass so we just wanna live our own life] Janis: [it's both what we want and good news guys you're gonna make it] Jimmy: [gonna be such good parents because you're already doing it now when you're literally 15 and not in a good headspace/situation] Janis: [letting you have fun first, we still gotta look after these kiddos but we're gonna get rid of Ian and Cass will be old enough to help and it'll all be better] Jimmy: [sounds like they are gonna kill Ian which makes me lol] Janis: [lmao, plottwist but no, lowkey what do happen to you Ian lordt] Jimmy: [please feel free to fuck off somewhere else like back up north sir] Janis: [that's a mood, like okay, bye then] Jimmy: [but anyway before we get derailed is there anything else you wanna do at this party or shall we skip?] Janis: [we probably know the vibes, we all had a good time despite the odds and the gals are gonna get the lowdown from Asia] Jimmy: [enjoy the walk back because the kids will be running ahead buzzing off all this sugar and their good time] Janis: [you should take both dogs out as y'all are buzzing, run off their energy too] Jimmy: [good idea because Twix do need to socialise too she's just a baby] Janis: [yeah Killer is a bit older now but she's still v excitable] Jimmy: [just two 🐕 gal pals] Janis: [love stories for all lollollol] Jimmy: [imagine all the artsy pics Jimothy would be getting like a little art hoe] Janis: [we're about it, such a family unit honestly it's wild] Jimmy: [I love it but not the awkward moment when they get back to mcvickers house to take Killer home and he has to be like are you coming to have your face painted or what because fully expecting her to be like nahhh] Janis: [DO YOU WANT YOUR FACE PAINTED BITCH, just seeming like we're like HELL YEAH 'cos we do wanna come] Jimmy: [also we should say mcvickers are back for the lols] Janis: [absolutely, we would've messaged them so they weren't like HELLO but now when we're going back to his it's like SeriousParentTime™] Jimmy: [maybe they won't let Libi sleep over so she's just coming for a bit because then once Bobby crashes they can actually live] Janis: [that makes sense for now, she's probably never had a sleepover outside of the fam because she's that small so go with that] Jimmy: [and lowkey we could potentially palm Bobby off on Cass to put to bed if they wanted to go to the pub or wherever because they are both serving lewks] Janis: [have walked the dog and had 'em all day, c'mon gal lol] Jimmy: [exactly but for now go and do your facepainting sesh because I vote that Bobby is a 🐺 seeing as it's like a dog upgrade and he's feeling himself today and that Jimothy gets the bae to do him as a 💀 for that flatwhite shade] Janis: [ooh, what do you wanna be gals] Janis: [hmm, Libi should ask for a galaxy moment 'cos Star, no pressure, get abstract lmao, maybe a vampire moment for you Janis] Jimmy: [let's not think about how up close and personal facepainting is lads] Janis: [but let's lmao] Jimmy: [please go return the favour of showing Libi your room and then like go on the trampoline or something children] Janis: [live your best lives so we can be here with our face paint on lol] Jimmy: [obvs offering her more tea] Janis: [just gesturing to our face like make it blood but obvs nodding 'cos duh] Jimmy: [he is a big enough nerd to like bring you a glass of water with red food colouring in it while the kettle boils] Janis: [🙄😏 'cos he's funny too hun] Jimmy: [pretends like he's gonna snatch that 🌹 out of her hair and put it in the water but obvs doesn't actually] Janis: [fake #shooketh 'no takebacks'] Jimmy: ['you wanna kill it an' all?' just flirting and sassing nbd] Janis: ['sure, blame me when you picked it' fake tut] Jimmy: [Oi, you inspired me, it is your fault' looks up dramatically to where Bill's ghost would be floating around 'and a bit his'] Janis: [flirty smiles at where Bill is like I don't mind hehe] Jimmy: [throw something at her like we're so fake jealous and fuming] Janis: [throw something back 'he can't help being a romantic'] Jimmy: [going to make that tea like uggggggggh] Janis: don't be jealous Janis: he 💕 you too Jimmy: he's just using me to get to you Jimmy: not as thick as I look Janis: how long were you chatting to asia Janis: sounds just like her Jimmy: if she's the unappreciated genius 🖋🎭 instead of me and my 🎨 FUMING Jimmy: plot twist too far, that Janis: 😂 Janis: think you're safe Janis: much to her 💔 Jimmy: I were a bit ago an' all, tah for that Jimmy: very 💪🏆🥇 you Janis: reckon you could take her in a fight but Janis: yeah Jimmy: not THAT northern, steady on Janis: you'd be doing her a favour Janis: 🦷🦷 Janis: so fuck that Jimmy: exactly Jimmy: if I were bothered about doing other lasses favours I'd open my DMs Janis: you've mentioned Jimmy: you want owt else while I'm here? Janis: all good Janis: tah Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I'm glad he ended up having a good time Janis: and not every kid in his class is a little twat Jimmy: only be 💔🎻😭 when she goes off home Jimmy: how it should be Janis: 😏 such a purist, you Jimmy: a what? Jimmy: sounds well like you're insulting us Janis: maybe Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: LITERALLY just complimented you Janis: when? Janis: must be AGES ago Jimmy: I get it, you don't know how to tell time either Jimmy: it's alright, we'll work it out together Jimmy: [bring that tea in] Janis: [buzzing like we really need this tea, nothing to do with you] Jimmy: [we're totally also buzzing about this tea and not because she is, yep] Janis: [no one is this excited for a cuppa not even yous or us lol] Jimmy: [I like to think that he goes to kiss her and once again stops himself but this time it's only because of the face paint and we're looking in the direction of upstairs where the children are 'don't fancy having that Q&A' meaning Libi asking what happened if she appears and they have ruined it] Janis: ['she's a right cockblock' and what's meant to be a fake 😒 but we're not not lbr] Jimmy: [we're remembering when we played that game where you had to kiss without touching and reminding her about it like we could change the rules if you're up for that challenge] Janis: [nods 'cos don't trust ourselves to say ANYTHING about this idea] Jimmy: [picture this, he starts out by touching her hair OBVS because he's obsessed but then just gently pulling on her earlobe cos he would've put it in his mouth if he could've then going down her jawline and neck writing kiss or doing an ✔ depending on the surface area we have to play with using our fingertip and varying the amount of pressure depending if it would've been a hard or soft kiss and just doing that for all the skin that's available everywhere] Janis: [shan't because we can't cope and at least we can be obvious about that, these kids are busy and gotta do what we gotta do Jimmy: [gotta do what we've gotta do and we are doing the MOST on this sofa rn even though his entire family + Libi could appear any moment] Janis: [getting on top of you on this sofa even though it's a bad idea for all the above reasons, not to mention the eye contact it demands 'you're rude'] Jimmy: [but it's a good idea for the sound he would make when she did so we're unrepentant over here 'you' well done for getting the word out boy] Janis: [shaking her head and getting the most movement out of that 'you started it'] Jimmy: [pulling her even closer like yeah I did and I'm not soz] Janis: [running our finger across his neck like you should be 'Jimmy...' at least this would be quiet because we're that close but that's the only at least] Jimmy: [touching the lovebite he gave her earlier so deliberately with such intense eye contact like I am simply not though] Janis: ['takes the piss' and pouting 'cos literally vampire facepaint and she hasn't given him one yet] Jimmy: [running his thumb over that lip whilst doing his own pout because we wanna do the pouty lip bite thing SO BAD rn but we can't] Janis: [biting our lip where his thumb just was] Jimmy: [such a frustrated noise as if this wasn't his idea lol] Janis: [finally feeling like we've had a win there so we're smug] Jimmy: [tickling her like how dare you not also be dying here excuse you] Janis: [trying to pin his hands above his head like no no] Jimmy: [he's totally gonna end up pinning you to this sofa gal, just the sauciest playfight of all time happening] Janis: [we know we're breaking and we do not care, fight us Libi] Jimmy: [proud of you for lasting as long as you did tbh] Janis: [truly, have your lovebite and then some boy] Jimmy: [have to let you hook up here without anyone interrupting you or else you will both die] Janis: [have a quickie guys] Jimmy: [can't be dealing with your bad moods if you don't] Janis: [it has been days, which in your timeline is like nearly half of lmao so] Jimmy: [we all know you're extra] Janis: [gonna have to take Libi back soon gal] Jimmy: [everyone's gonna be gutted to be separated but the lads will walk you back because gentlemanly like that] Jimmy: [but for now have your tea that you're gonna have to put in the microwave because you never touched it] Janis: [my boo says HELLO] Jimmy: [also probably take your face paint off because I dread to think the state of it now] Janis: [the black face energy getting real lmao] Jimmy: [if you don't go do this together and mess about while you do by like having a water fight and only removing bits at a time so you look silly etc then I don't wanna know either of you] Janis: [obviously we must, also I think the bubbys paint should be a little smudged 'cos Libi keeps smooching him like my shameless boo] Jimmy: [so cute and I can imagine JJ just giving each other a look like 😏 because relatable] Janis: [gonna age Tess so hard gal] Jimmy: [be looking like her sim] Janis: [poor tess haha] Jimmy: [I really hope you don't actually put her through it as you're growing up hun, we've been through enough] Janis: [we do need to think about that now you exist in gen 4 kinda but like yeah, arguably we could also do bobby in the first part of the gen, ANYWAY THOUGH] Jimmy: [we could totally do some of them next if you want because we know they are gonna stay friends so] Janis: [cuteness and potential] Jimmy: [anyway is there anything else you wanna have happen before Libi goes home or no?] Janis: [we don't have to do it if you don't wanna but important to note you're obvs sleeping over right] Jimmy: [totally because I still think they should go out even if it's just to his local pub but it could also be in town out depending on the mood though I don't know how you're gonna be like DO YOU WANNA when you're yet again on this doorstep or wherever lol] Janis: [for sure, do something purely 'cos you wanna and there's no excuse or distraction] Jimmy: [exactly, because you obviously haven't yet since she got back] Janis: [or lowkey ever? you might've actually, xmas eve yeah nvm] Jimmy: [could be argued that the pub crawl was for content though whereas they literally don't need to do any more today so] Janis: [mhmm, we've slayed today, you could've gone home hun] Jimmy: [exactly and that's why this is so important but for real I don't know how he's gonna be like do you wanna not go in and come back with me yet again so there's that] Janis: [don't worry, you can probably just hook up and then be like may as well stay] Jimmy: [just throw Bobby at Cass when you get back and then you can leave] Janis: [though it might be a conversation™ 'cos she would go to leave if not immediately 'cos bit rude but early in the AM] Jimmy: [mhmm just gotta make himself too vulnerable by being like no no, hope you're at least a bit drunk guys] Janis: [sure you will be honeys, where do we wanna skip to then] Jimmy: [question is do we wanna do any of this night out and see what happens or just skip to the end? hm Janis: [always fun to do a night out, even if we skip around 'cos a lot of we know the vibe I'm sure but we can see peeps, things can happen, without it being drama central] Jimmy: [no drama please, we're trying to have a nice chill time] Janis: [exactly dr phil, and we can, there's been enough heightened emotions for a while and we've really brushed them under the rug tbh] Jimmy: [hence I'm like we should probably do this night out because when you're drunk stuff might come out] Janis: [pop off and let's ride lads] Jimmy: [the question is lads do you wanna go out out so we can really serve these lewks or stay local so you're less likely to see the world and his wife] Janis: [hmmmmm, I say go to town 'cos xmas eve you stayed local to her so go off] Jimmy: [that is true, lets go with that] Janis: [you can try and get in some of the more iconic dublin pubs and show him the sights so] Jimmy: [yeah because he wouldn't have been because he's only been here for like 2 months now and we know he's antisocial] Janis: [and you are but children, plus going out to drink on your own is depressing soz you can do lots of things alone but not that lbr] Jimmy: [literally he has done nothing since he moved here like we said before so I'm glad you have each other now] Janis: [unlikely we've done it before either 'cos age, like but we'll know where to go] Jimmy: [I vote you have to only order drinks that cliché tourists would] Janis: [really annoying cocktails they hate making etc] Jimmy: [and Guinness like you think you're doing something] Janis: [you'll be so full lol] Jimmy: 👍? Janis: 🤰 Jimmy: 👶'll be 🍀💚🎩🌈 as fuck Janis: if it makes it Janis: 🥴 Jimmy: 💪🏆🥇 as you, obvs Janis: n'awh Janis: you 👍? Jimmy: I am now you've broke that news Jimmy: 😁 Janis: we're all buzzing Janis: reason to celebrate never needed when you're 🍀💚🎩🌈 but Jimmy: @iantaylor8 🏆 for most chuffed of all about the 🍀💚🎩🌈 bit Jimmy: 🍾🍻 Janis: not yours, basically white Janis: his round then? 😁 Jimmy: we'd need more luck than that to get him to 💰 owt now that 🎄 is done with Jimmy: have to kill and rob him Jimmy: but as far as celebrations go, wouldn't be 👎 Janis: let's come up  with plan #2 Janis: we can handle it Jimmy: how does the 👶 wanna do it? all about them now Janis: car bomb, obviously Jimmy: nod to its real dad Janis: pretty sure we did a big 💣 in manchester so ian will be #triggered Jimmy: just keep giving me more and more top news today, you Janis: kind of mate I am Janis: anything to see you 😁 Jimmy: [doing it IRL of course] Janis: [when he still looks good fuming tbh, squishing his face like ugh] Jimmy: [making it into a kissy face like you love me really] Janis: [pushing him away by his face but not as aggressive as that sounds and standing up to get more drinks in as Ian isn't gonna show] Jimmy: [pulls her back not as aggressive as that sounds either lol even though we know she's only leaving to get more drinks] Janis: ['oi!' and a look like whaaaaaa but it's a LOOK] Jimmy: [all the eye contact as he stands up and sit her down in his seat like no no not in your condition I will go] Jimmy: [*** unrelated to what we're doing now but I had an idea that earlier like when Bobby and Libi were doing their goodbyes cos don't need him to translate that Jimothy signed pub? at the bae in irish sign language because he doesn't know much yet and isn't trying hard to learn because he thinks they're gonna leave but he'd have learnt that as a pisstake anyway just wanted to put this here so I didn't forget that lil nugget of info my brain thought up at like 3am***] Janis: [love that for you boy, noted] Janis: [🙄 but loling like alright, if you wanna pay fine by me boy] Jimmy: [signing 'stay' from the bar because I feel like the bubs would've been doing that at Twix and Killer today so we can pretend that's purely pisstakey and no deeper] Janis: [🤨 but in a sassy manner] Janis: coming for my gig now? Jimmy: can't be taking 💰 off you that's 🍼 out the 👶's mouth Janis: you ain't gonna pay for it? Janis: rude Jimmy: OBVS, but I don't reckon 💀👑'll hear and crack on FINALLY 💰 me tips Janis: 💡 Janis: sleep with her dad, tell him it's his Janis: live off that hush 💰 Jimmy: more 🥇💡 DON'T but 🗨 you did after you've put something in his drink/ let him be a massive pisshead on it 'cause you understand him unlike his missus Jimmy: all we've faked up to now, DNA test'd be piss easy Janis: just have to snatch a bit of 💀👑's hair Janis: not hard Janis: saliva and we'd be fucked, dunno if she produces that any more Jimmy: have to hurry while she's still got hair Janis: bet #2 has some Jimmy: go round hers in a bit, can't wait, me Jimmy: 💭 if we found out 💀👑 weren't his Jimmy: they'd both be SO 💔🎻😭 to have to dump each other Janis: I wish Janis: only my family giving that level of drama Jimmy: 💔 you can't use 😭 to do a test, I'd have got Ian to crack on ages ago Janis: whoever's your dad is also Bobby's, that's for sure Jimmy: probably is him then, he ain't the sort to let his missus have bloke mates hanging round that long Janis: soz, mate Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: be a 🥇 looking 👶 at least Jimmy: all our shit parents got that bit right Janis: guess so Janis: tah for the genetics, I'll take it from here Jimmy: [bring those drinks boy and obvs get her up so you can sit back down in your seat and she can sit on you] Janis: [forever and always even though the eye contact it demands is cray, just smiling and drinking our drink] Jimmy: [likewise but also just doodling on her skin absentmindedly because we're in love and probably a bit drunk by now assumedly] Janis: ['you could do that for a job' we mean tattooist but that isn't very clear gal so we must be a lil tipsy] Jimmy: [shoutout to your future child, love that but obvs he's like ? and draws it on her] Janis: [just like ugh at ourselves 'tattoos and shit, you know' shrugs 'you got a plan?'] Jimmy: [just shrugging because we haven't let ourselves think about the future for so many reasons 'do you?'] Janis: ['nah' shakes head 'but I'll get by, don't need more, like'] Jimmy: [nodding because we get it and doing a cheers with this drink] Janis: [drink to that lads 'if anything, easier to walk dogs when I've got a car'] Jimmy: ['any time you wanna borrow Ian's, crack on' we're just thinking that he's too happy and settled rn and we need to annoy him more lol] Janis: [😏 and cheersing again like tah] Jimmy: number of 🐕s, should probably nick a 🚍 instead though Janis: can do that too Jimmy: can 😴 there an' all if you need to Jimmy: stretch out Janis: living in one seems like something my ma'd do though Janis: ❌ Jimmy: bet your shit nan's church group'd have their 👀 on it Janis: [visibly 😒] Janis: goes without saying Jimmy: [a lil feelsy lean like soz because we know she sucks even if we don't know what happened] Janis: [using it to push him off in a jokey get off kinda way, like you ain't sat on him rn] Jimmy: [messing about like you're both gonna dramatically fall off this chair but then lowkey hurting himself a lil bit though we're obvs playing that off as fake too but it's real because yet again we've had a very busy day and done so much as if we're perfectly fine] Janis: [picking him back up and steadying him like you okay boy? and nudging his drink towards his lips like that'll help] Jimmy: [down that drink boy] Janis: [just lowkey having a feel of his stomach/ribs etc like you gotta check] Jimmy: [😏 cos we're pretending she's doing it to flirt with us obvs like she just can't keep her hands to herself ever which is true but also shh sir] Janis: [going with it 'cos not not true and we know it makes him awks but we still wanna] Jimmy: [kissing her because we always just want to] Janis: [have this makeout sesh whilst giving him a massage casually] Jimmy: [excuse us people in this pub] Janis: [looks dodgier than it is frankly] Jimmy: [love how shameless you both are and how often you just behave like you're the only two people around] Janis: [we're so unbothered by other people unless they're really in our faces about it] Jimmy: [mhmm hence we're just saying we missed her and how much in between kisses because we have and we're obvs so into everything she's doing rn] Janis: ['did you?' 'cos 'course we don't believe him/it] Jimmy: [stop kissing her for long enough you can hold that eye contact so she knows you mean it but then kiss her more intensely obvs] Janis: [going in even harder 'cos definition of !!! about it] Jimmy: [have a moment because it's deserved and needed and it'll shut him up from saying any more for a sec] Janis: [saying nothing in this pub but people should do something/be staring or say something so we can move huuuuuuuun] Jimmy: [that's realistic so yes] Janis: [we going about this town] Jimmy: [twirl her like you would've done when you were at this kid's party earlier please boy] Janis: [dance down these streets but don't fall tah] Jimmy: [and don't knock into anyone either because we don't need that drama] Janis: [no fighting shakira shakira] Jimmy: [not tonight thank you] Janis: [we gotta get drunk and spill secrets] Jimmy: [confess as many feelings as we dare] Janis: [heheheh, getting shots in that vein] Jimmy: [good idea boo] Janis: 🥃🥃🥃 Jimmy: 🥳🥳🥳 Janis: partying for 2 Jimmy: remind me to @ Asia 7 years from now to let her know how to throw a 🎁🎂🎈 that ain't all 💅💄 Janis: you ain't bad at face painting Janis: can have that Jimmy: tah very much Jimmy: be alright as long as Libi don't have me doing it whenever I see her Jimmy: be a bit weird if I have to carry a full face painting kit about Janis: you don't need to be that whipped Janis: won't hurt her to hear a nah every once and a while Jimmy: no need to be jealous, Jules Jimmy: you're still my muse Janis: piss off Jimmy: I'll 🥺🥺 for 2 if you make me Janis: go ahead Jimmy: [does] Janis: [regret 'cos we feeling all the things now] Jimmy: [carve that JJ love heart into the pub table like see you're my muse and ILY] Janis: [just tracing our finger round and round this heart] Jimmy: [literally is about to draw a heart on her and I'm like boy stop] Janis: ['your ex really cheat on you?' like why would he lie, but can't believe it] Jimmy: ['what kind of question is that?' because genuinely not something he expected her to ask rn] Janis: [a shrug like soz 'just what I was thinking about'] Jimmy: [a nudge but a gentle one 'what you thinking about her for?' sir she's thinking about you] Janis: [tuts like ugh, making me explain myself, how rude lol 'are you a shit real boyfriend or what?' like why would she if you were how you're faking now] Jimmy: [a shrug like 1. probably because the messy time after his mum disappeared 2. they were young af and neither of them had good role models clearly but we don't wanna really get into either of those things 'depends on the scale' like compared to who hun because lbr not an Ian or Mia's dad but we weren't #goals] Janis: [nods like we get it 'cos we do even though not personally like that might suggest, the shakes her head like let's move on 'cos accidentally brought the vibe down and we didn't mean to 'whatever, none of my business'] Jimmy: [leaves the ex's @ in this chat whatever it is like @ her for her POV if you like but irl we're shrugging again because we're so over her just not the mum mems of that era] Janis: 🤐 Janis: [dranking this drank faster] Jimmy: [nudges her like hey it's alright] Jimmy: *🔊 Janis: [😏 'not there yet' like let's go back to bants] Jimmy: where are you then? Janis: 🥺 of course Janis: you're quite inspiring too Jimmy: show me Janis: [😳 and can't do it back 'cos now we've got the giggles like stop it] Janis: can't just 👏 like Jimmy: [we're just 😍 af because she's adorable bye] Jimmy: alright, if there's no 👏 have to take back that 🌹 and your 🏆s Jimmy: go together them Janis: well now I'm 😠 Janis: [does that instead] Jimmy: [does a 📷 mime and then wordlessly goes to get her some kind of forfeit drink for not being oscar worthy af] Janis: [doing it now he's further away 'cos easier] Jimmy: you're rude, said it earlier Janis: you Jimmy: you Janis: [points] Jimmy: [signs it which I lowkey do think is just a point but anyway] Janis: 👆 Janis: the point emojis are crap Jimmy: 💔 Janis: looks more come here Janis: which don't not work rn but Jimmy: but do come here Janis: [making our way over, of course] Jimmy: [checking her out as she does obvs and when she does get there gesturing like get this barman's attention please because it's busy but she's a hot girl so she'll have more luck] Janis: [do the least to do the most such is your privilege babe] Jimmy: [kiss her like thank you because we weren't trying to stand there all night] Janis: [the barman like aw lmao] Jimmy: #👻problems Janis: #🍆problems Jimmy: fuming if it's a not a lass serving next Janis: fuming if it is, obvs Jimmy: if you're 😠 again, I'll be back at chuffed to bits Jimmy: so cute Janis: [fake punches him] Jimmy: [writes hate across her knuckles because I am not letting you write love boy stop it] Janis: [takes off the e by pretending to cut off the pinky] Jimmy: [😏 and draws the 🎩 on the back of her hand for that irish af vibe] Janis: [writes 'pot' on the other hand like there you go, pot of gold too] Jimmy: [draw a 🌈 on that one and 💰] Janis: [lols like lovely 'told you you had a future in it'] Jimmy: [just shaking his head because we can't take a compliment] Jimmy: you gonna name this 👶 something I can't pronounce or what? Janis: [raising our brows sassily like not hard] Janis: you can name it Janis: guilt trip move Jimmy: 🤔🤔💭 Jimmy: What's Mia's daddy's name? Jimmy: got a lie to sell here Janis: 🤔 Janis: maybe Michael or something, idk Janis: Miles Jimmy: Miley he'll love that Janis: meet your new sister Mia Jimmy: sister and step mum Janis: not even weird for me Jimmy: Libi must've missed that bit when she were doing the family tree Janis: thank fuck Janis: only so much you need to hear Jimmy: what were it you said about my ages old 💔? Jimmy: nowt to do with me, that Janis: nor me Jimmy: I told you before, up to you what you wanna 🗨 Janis: you pick Jimmy: your full list's all I want Janis: [a LOOK] Jimmy: [one back always] Jimmy: you owe me the one Janis: true Janis: remind me what I've said Jimmy: 1. 🚬👃 2. 🎤🗨 3. 💋 4. 🖕✌️🤟 is a might be, you never said it were or weren't for definite 5. 🤝 6. 💫 dunno what else to do for freckles so Janis: [impressed he remembered 'cos obviously did not just look through like my boo just had to lol] Janis: don't wanna repeat, wouldn't be fair Jimmy: [when it's really important to you because you literally told her in that convo that nobody has ever been this nice to you and it's obvs true] Jimmy: so go on Janis: it's unfair you took 👀s Janis: when yours are like ☀️ Janis: but I like your brows too Jimmy: you're ☀ Jimmy: and you know I'm fuming you took 💋 an' all Jimmy: but we've both got smell on there so I'm not gonna stop you rating what you rate Janis: take it as a whole Janis: you have pretty lashes too Janis: it's Jimmy: that'll get out of hand when I just say your entire face Jimmy: or your whole body Janis: everything about you Jimmy: that an' all Janis: [and I oop, just like our drink looks so interesting rn because dying] Jimmy: [a soft 'hey' because of course like 👀 at me] Janis: [you gotta look up gal 'yeah?' also soft] Jimmy: [gestures at her to come here like you literally didn't just get kicked out of a pub for this] Janis: [do though who are we] Jimmy: [we're softly but insistently kissing the bae's throat like we can coax words out cos so much we wanna say and so much we wanna hear] Janis: [the noise we are making, running our hands through his hair goes to gripping it 'you're not-' 'I'm supposed-' can we finish a sentence? no] Jimmy: [just doing it again like do you wanna finish a sentence gal and not at all because of her other reaction of course not] Janis: ['stop it' but in the most don't stop tone imaginable 'cos at least that's a sentence] Jimmy: [we're not but we are smooching the side of her neck instead] Janis: ['coming for my gig again' and moving to the side so you've gotta smooch for reals] Jimmy: [have a lil make out lads] Janis: [again lollol] Jimmy: [can't and won't be tamed, we're doing what we want tonight] Janis: [speaking of, you should get some good scran, idk what but I'm sure there's some bomb takeout vibes] Jimmy: [definitely, I doubt there was much savoury food at that party] Janis: [you can walk n eat n mayhaps talk hmm] Jimmy: [and snuggle because it's probably cold] Janis: [even if it's stopped snowing, deffo] Jimmy: [obvs just nudging her as you go along like you alright? because this boy loves checking in] Janis: [nudges him back like aren't you?] Jimmy: [smiling because we're having a lovely time] Janis: [😍 'good'] Jimmy: [😍 and doing the handhold swingy thing as we walk] Janis: ['you're alright, you know, not boring' just sounds like you thought he was but we mean in comparison to other peeps] Jimmy: ['when did you reckon I were boring? but we're amused 'bit rude'] Janis: [a face like oi but also amused 'no, I just didn't know you weren't before'] Jimmy: ['I knew you weren't' which makes you sound like a stalker or something lol but we're too drunk to think that through clearly] Janis: ['no you didn't' not just to be contrary we're just like lies lmao] Jimmy: [his own oi face 'wouldn't have picked you if I didn't' because true] Janis: [just narrowing our eyes like suspish but okay 'well I knew you didn't chat shit constantly, or try hard like most lads do' shrugs like bitch I noticed you too] Jimmy: [🤐 mime like well yeah I don't say anything and shrugging back 'no need' because he doesn't feel like he has anything to brag about genuinely and obvs we don't have any reason to try hard for the people we don't care about] Janis: [just gesturing like yes, my point exactly 'don't stop 'em, does it'] Jimmy: [gets out the phone we've literally not looked at all night, frowns at it and puts it back without actually bothering to do anything except make a point 'the lasses either, but that's not the kind of dickheads we are'] Janis: [shakes her head like no we are not and puts her hand out for him to shake] Jimmy: [does and then does pull her in for a hug because always 'chuffed it were you' from within this hug] Janis: ['we've done a good job' also from within the hug] Jimmy: [shaking his head because we don't wanna call it a job when literally you always do sir and also that now looks like you don't think this is going well] Janis: [looking at him when you pull back like ? because how it looks] Jimmy: ['not just a shift I'm putting in, you'] Janis: ['I dunno why I had a go about that' just like how cringe of me to show I gave a shit ugh] Jimmy: ['don't you?' and a shrug 'alright then' like oh are we just pretending we don't give a shit tonight okay cos we're sassy] Janis: [little lol 'don't take the piss' 'you know what I mean. meant. whatever'] Jimmy: ['don't sound like me that' 😏 because she literally said he's not a dickhead but he takes the piss] Janis: [getting SO close and making him stop walking so you can whisper in his ear 'it sounds exactly like you' and nipping his earlobe when you say 'sounds'] Jimmy: [saying 'fuck' with SO much feeling how they do] Janis: [nods like that's what I want to and looks around like we picked the wrong location lol] Jimmy: [looks in the direction they'd have to go to retrace their steps like if you wanna go we can go because Ian's stash forever] Janis: [follows his gaze like we could but eventually shakes her head 'we've got time, more places you need to see first if you wanna be a proper tourist'] Jimmy: [nods because 🥇 or nowt is the mantra but we're kissing her really hard first so she knows we're not just chill and we feel the tension and want the same things] Janis: [have your moment and take one before the next location] Jimmy: [for once I doubt you're the only peeps being extra at least such are the joys of town] Janis: [people always cracking on you're fine, even if you cared, which we are far beyond] Jimmy: [mhmm] Janis: [full drunk by now, never mind all our feels] Jimmy: [they should go somewhere they can do some grooving because not something they've done a lot of because of her ankle happening] Janis: [good thinking boo, hit the clerb, whole different vibe] Jimmy: [how cinematic when juxtaposed against the dancing at the kids party earlier lol] Janis: [day and night honey] Jimmy: [another good excuse for more shots because you can't dance and hold a big drink] Janis: [ooh, maybe Harry could be there Janis: we can just see and ignore him but intro that 'cos haven't yey] Jimmy: [I just nearly gasped because yes we do need to do that before all the sports stuff starts and she runs into him in a way she can't swerve] Janis: [it seems legit you could be out with your mates boy, you could be a bit older/look it too, it's believable you ain't the gals, maybe if she's getting drinks or Jimmy is he can come up but it'll look like just another random tryna hit her up] Jimmy: [that seems legit to me too] Janis: [but obviously it'd put her in some type of mood] Jimmy: [might also open a line of dialogue though so] Janis: [mhmm] Jimmy: [what way round do you wanna do it because obvs if he goes to get drinks and comes back to find them talking or whatever he'll be like bitch excuse me but if she was getting drinks and runs into him that way he won't even see Harry/know about that interaction] Janis: [maybe he goes to get them, it makes it easier, even if Harry literally walks away as he comes back 'cos that kind of snekk, he'd still see but they always getting hit on so he wouldn't assume that was responsible and be like oh I get it, yknow] Jimmy: [he'll just be like 🤨 looking him over as Harry walks away  but yeah not concerned and more jokey because it does happen always and he knows she can handle it] Janis: [just 😒 watching him go] Jimmy: [handing her these shots because we just think like we said he's a stranger and she'll be over it in a sec] Janis: [down it with vigour hun] Jimmy: [likewise because that's just how shots are, you gotta go in] Janis: [ick] Jimmy: [have never enjoyed a single one I've ever had but they are not J potato] Janis: [who is babe, go get your groove on aggressively] Jimmy: [hope it's not a slow jam and I especially hope Harry is not also hitting the dancefloor with some gal] Janis: [oh lawd, we're not doing that cliche of catching eyes dancing with other people boy, I think not] Jimmy: [you think you're that important Harold but you're honestly not] Janis: [accidentally making him think you're that into him, nah] Jimmy: [but anyway I shall start a convo when we've been dancing for an age and you're clearly still 😒 hun] Jimmy: What? Janis: what do you mean what? Jimmy: what's wrong? Janis: what do you reckon makes clubs smell so bad Janis: apart from all the sweat, that's obvious Jimmy: answer me, dickhead Janis: I'm alright, seriously Jimmy: bollocks Janis: ugh Janis: it's nothing though Jimmy: *something Jimmy: you wanna go outside? Janis: [mimes 🚬] Janis: sure Jimmy: [taking her hand like let's go] Janis: [smoking area moment, not like you'll be alone they're always packed] Jimmy: [lighting you both up and giving her a sec] Janis: ['just know that lad' shrugging like that explains that] Jimmy: ['and what?' because we're not letting it just drop] Janis: [after a while thinking and stopping and starting 'and- everyone else is a dickhead, yeah'] Jimmy: how much of a dickhead is he? Janis: no more than average, I suppose Janis: 💪🍆🔥👑 Janis: you know the sort Jimmy: yeah, what I dunno is why you're so bothered Janis: just didn't fancy seeing anyone I knew out Jimmy: you barely did do Janis: then let's go somewhere else after this Janis: forget about it Janis: [smiling at him like it's not fake but we're forcing this vibe rn] Jimmy: can you? Janis: yeah Jimmy: alright Janis: sorry Janis: he's just some twat Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: it's alright Janis: its not Janis: we're having a nice time Janis: meant to be Jimmy: I meant, he's doing your head in, you're not doing in mine Jimmy: we're alright Jimmy: nice is a bit rude though, as descriptions go Janis: [a LOOK up like 😏] Janis: how'd you describe it then Jimmy: not like we're sat in having a ☕🍪 with our kid and his missus Jimmy: but if you need a review then Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: that'd be it Janis: are you saying that's the definition of nice or a better time Janis: either way I have some questions Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Jimmy: it's obvs the definition of nice 👵👴💕 Janis: [shakes head as we get up like oh you 'leave you to it then'] Jimmy: [not letting you go gal putting his arms around her like no no 'Oi, I just gave you a top review, what more do you want?'] Janis: ['can always do better' and taking his hand like let's go, stay outta our way Hazza we got places to be] Jimmy: ['than you rating me boring and nice, yeah' but we're amused of course and doing another twirl as we go] Janis: ['I did not!' and a pouty face like how dare YOU suggest I did] Jimmy: [thank god we can do the pouty lip thing this time and nothing can stop us] Janis: [freedom] Jimmy: [You're welcome lads] Janis: [y'all can do what you want like going to the toilets and living that cliche moment] Jimmy: [not the first time, we all remember pub crawl, but it would be busier so pluses and minuses to that] Janis: [we gotta for a myriad of reasons still not about you though Harry but you've put us in a mood to prove some things so tah] Jimmy: [mhmm] Janis: [get out of this clerb and into a different one, better or worse, idk what's more fun tbh] Jimmy: [again it's not about you Harold] Janis: [soz we have such a dramatic reaction to seeing you lmao like hell to the no] Jimmy: [it's deserved you're not a good egg] Janis: [we'd be more chill if we weren't drunk, like he's just gonna come over and ruin everything, he might try tbf, run lads and continue grooving] Jimmy: [we're on a touristy tour here sir gotta move along] Janis: [you are not invited good day, back on the shots shots shots] Jimmy: [don't at all look forward to seeing you soon hun] Janis: [at least we're not doing the grace of it all now, although, continuously triggering everyone 'cos that's what they think Liam did with Edie to be around Rio, which yeah at first but shh] Jimmy: [the temptation to do that again now you've said that lol] Janis: [yeah, it came to me as I typed it lol] Jimmy: [fuck it let's do it, we can totally make him her baby daddy for that hot sec to really trigger everyone haha] Janis: [no offence to your barrenness but THANK GOD don't actually need babies from lies] Jimmy: [I can't do that to you gal even if we could] Janis: [would not be cute, he'd be tryna pay for your abortion like] Jimmy: [it's so far from #goals as is nobody needs that] Janis: [it's even worse than drew and caleb soz my love but no, hence ali had to be like no no in that convo we did when we did it before] Jimmy: [but what if that's when she gets her nose ring because it's like a Cameron trying to get Nicki to wear Chloe's lipstick situation!] Janis: [🤢 OMG, you can use all the really tryhard stuff of late, like, we know you would babe] Jimmy: [Sammi's moment of trying to be black will actually be useful to me, who knew] Janis: [just thinking about the wurls wig and dying 'cos it looked so bad oh gal] Jimmy: [HARD SAME] Janis: [and I oop, we're gonna lose our mind with you] Jimmy: [the drama] Janis: [oh lord] Jimmy: [anyways back to this, do you wanna do a skip or have you got things you wanna have happen rn off the back of this Harry situation?] Janis: [we can probably skip to going home even? we know how the nights gonna go and it'll be fun and feelsy but that's the STAY of it all] Jimmy: [true I just didn't wanna rush you gal if you had stuff you wanted to say or do before that so] Janis: [nah we good I just wanted to establish him so when he crops back up later we've got this vague memory like oh] Jimmy: [it was a good way to do it boo, good thinking] Janis: [big brain booty] Janis: [where would you like to hook up/where are you then gonna try to leave from] Jimmy: [do you wanna be at his gaff or are you thinking before they get there?] Janis: [his makes sense for going to mcvickers after] Jimmy: [be having a nightcap and all the sauciness that entails but then try and leave gal] Janis: [like gotta go before anyone wakes, sure you're being well loud tbh lads but okay] Jimmy: [as excuses go a very legit one and also the bubs do wake up well early like what time even is it] Janis: [but also who cares you've been on a minibreak together] Jimmy: [literally] Janis: [baby its cold outside Jimmy: [what's your vibe like is she gonna say anything or is she just casually getting ready to leave?] Janis: [I think just getting ready when she thinks he's passed out but we're drunk so we're clearly not making a good go of doing it stealth here lol] Jimmy: [obvs gonna chuck something at her then like excuse you] Janis: [#shooketh and thus doing angry whispers 'what was that for dickhead?!'] Jimmy: ['where you going?' as if that's not obvious because we're drunk so it's not] Janis: [dramatically shushing him which in itself is louder than you're being already probs 'trying not to wake anybody up here'] Jimmy: [a sarcastic but amused 👍 because that's going well and then repeating our question] Janis: [throwing whatever he threw at us back like don't be fucking rude 'home' which you gotta stop saying when you mean mcvickers 'cos sounds like you planning to trek] Jimmy: [catching it and being really proud of ourselves with our expression but then frowning because we do think she means she's going home 'you're not, there's no buses for ages' because again what weird am is this lol] Janis: [😏 and a sassy fake clap for him 'Oh, I mean my nans' like my bad 'before he's getting up for work or...whatever'] Jimmy: [dramatically shushing her for the clap like she did to him a sec ago 'it's the weekend' because it is 'only dickheads like us do Sundays'] Janis: ['oh' when you genuinely forgot but now it seems like you lyin' lmao] Jimmy: [when you get up v dramatically to be up in her grill like 👀 cos are you lying gal but when we're standing there we just get distracted by like moving her hair out of her face and fixing her clothes and generally being soft and close and helpful] Janis: ['you-' and then getting distracted by his lack of clothing for a sec like oh '-you don't have to be nice, you know'] Jimmy: ['stop calling me nice, dickhead' but softer than the words suggest and not just because we are this close and whispering] Janis: ['stop being nice then' in a challenge type of way] Jimmy: [push her back onto this bed boy but in a hot way not a dangerous one] Janis: [definition of that 😈 tbh] Jimmy: [whatever she's managed to put on he's taking off, RIP to this dress or whatever if you don't survive] Janis: [running our fingers through his hair again for the throwback to earlier 'you're SO nice, baby'] Jimmy: [giving her a massive lovebite near to wherever he did that first one way earlier and going as hard for that throwback as well because we're 😈 ] Janis: [when you're egging him on telling him how nice he is over and over but then you do the biggest gasp] Jimmy: [going over the OG one as well because it's right there tempting us 'I'll do whatever you want for as long as you're here, nice, not nice, owt else' like don't go gal] Janis: [just about getting out 'but what do you want?'] Jimmy: ['you' because true and we're drunk so we can answer a question 'I keep saying I don't want you to go anywhere' because he literally said it on the school trip in those words when they were doing an activity and having a little domestic and god knows how many times we've either said it or tried to make it clear since] Janis: ['me...' which we ALMOST phrase as a question, such is our disbelief/how much we've been caught off guard by that despite how obvious it is to us all but it's okay catch up gal 'and I keep saying you can have me' because we have and we mean it] Jimmy: ['you say it but then you- look and gesture towards the door like you were literally trying to leave and you know we're thinking about when she properly left] Janis: ['I never wanna stay if you want me to leave' a pause like I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense now you've said that but 'because I wanna be with you a lot...like all the fucking time and-'] Jimmy: ['I don't want either of us to leave' the tea and also how sad and soft his voice would be about that because we think it's looming over us 'if I had any fucking choice, I'd pick this, just give me the same back'] Janis: [kissing him hard, but not JUST kissing him like we usually would when we can't say what we want/don't know what to say 'okay' just as sad but serious like this ain't no game 'I'm scared but okay'] Jimmy: [holding her but not JUST how he would when he doesn't want her to go 'it's alright, when you're about, I'm not' like you can be scared gal cos I feel safe with you and it's the only time I ever do so I've got this] Janis: ['that's why I am' from deep inside this hug like we barely saying it but we are] Jimmy: ['bit of pressure, I get it' because we know we're saying there that everything else is shit and you're the only good thing keeping us going and that's a lot] Janis: [shaking our head 'I mean-' big sigh 'cos even if we're drunk it's a lot to say '-the more amazing it is now, the more there's going to be to miss'] Jimmy: ['there were loads to miss ages ago' because lbr the moment you started this you were in too deep and deeper than you've been with anyone else 'it weren't like owt else I've felt kissing any other lass soon as we had that first go at it' drunkenly spilling that tea] Janis: ['Ive never felt anything before' 'cos likewise] Jimmy: ['alright, no need to one up me that hard' cos you don't believe that's even possible lowkey when she clearly feels so much with you] Janis: [soft nudge 'I can't help the truth'] Jimmy: [one back obvs 'as competitions go, not fuming to lose this one'] Janis: ['I have kissed other people' like don't think he thought you were saying that but okay] Jimmy: [a sound like yeah obvs/no shit because we weren't thinking that 'but they were shitter at it than whatever review of me you're gonna @ my ex for, I get it' because not letting go that she brought that up but we're not mad about it still just amused] Janis: ['must be' shrugs 'knock to the ego can't hurt' not gonna go drunk text him the shade though tah 'was not, I was just asking a question' like stop it but we're not mad really] Jimmy: ['I don't care about how them dickheads feel, her included, just you'] Janis: [smile 'I can get behind that'] Jimmy: [smile back 😍] Janis: ['you're the cutest person I've ever seen' and putting our fingers in his dimples like oop] Jimmy: [a lil lol which we can't help even as we shake our head because no gal you are 'need to look in the mirror more, you'] Jimmy: [lowkey trying to drag her to where the nearest mirror is like is that even this room or are you trying to go to the bathroom? boy shh] Janis: [don't actually wake this bub you're lowkey too drunk to deal with him boy, 'cos we're so amused and playfighting him as silently as we can like noooo 'you you you'] Jimmy: [thank god we made him deaf because Libi would 1000% be awake by now lol, just drunkenly taking so many pictures of her face and so many weird close ups as we playfight and showing her them all like no look it's you] Janis: [just a fight to delete them as if 1. you look bad in any really 2. he's just gonna post them all rn] Jimmy: [we know you just wanna fight so he can pin you again for that saucy throwback] Janis: [obvs, we do not need to deny] Jimmy: [we'll let you have that moment and ensuing hook up during which you can call her baby in a way that is not at all a pisstake for the first time because we're drunk and feelsy enough for this] Janis: [just die bye, safe to say you won't be trying to go anywhere after that] Jimmy: [you gotta snuggle and snooze and be happy]

[leelee10898]

Fast cars & Freedom: Just a dream. (13/?)

The court date has arrived, and things unravel fast! Catch up HERE

Pairing: Logan x Ellie, Colt x Ellie

Raiting: mature

Luca was in her second week of school,  Colt was gone and Luca was very upset. Logan, however, was able to come and put her on the bus that Monday. He had won his last race and had a meeting coming up with the owners, he was more than likely about to be thrown into the big leagues. Ellie was so proud of him, he managed to turn his life completely around and with a pro retiring, that opened up a spot, Logan was the logical choice.

Wednesday morning came, Ellie opened her eyes and shook off what little sleep she got. It was here, the day she had been dreading finally had arrived. She forced herself out of bed, her head pounding, nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach same as she had for almost two weeks. These nerves needed to subside, the stress was eating at her and making her sick. She got out of the shower and began brushing her teeth, glancing at the clock outside of her bathroom.  Almost time to go, she paused mid-brush, dropping the tooth brush in the sink she turned hovering over the toilet spilling the contents of her stomach.

She sat on the floor for a while, trying to gather herself. Finally she finished getting ready and made her way downstairs. "Morning kiddo. Want the Ellie special?" The thought of food making her stomach flip "ugh. no thanks dad. Not feeling so hot today." She turned to see Logan sitting at the kitchen table. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I helped your dad get Luca on the bus and, i'm going to court with you today. For moral support." Ellie smiled at the gesture "Thanks Logan. Riya is coming too."

"Great. So, ready to go?"

Colt woke up that morning, or atleast opened his eyes, another sleepless night. He thought by leaving town he would be able to distance himself from the constant plaguing thoughts, but it didn't work. He should have known better, it was what he did the last time. He thought by letting her go she would be better off. It never worked, she was on his mind every day for six years and then for the last few months. He should go to her, to fight for her but even if he drove faster he would never make it in time. He flopped out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt.  

   "Morning." Darcy said, sipping a cup of coffee. Colt simply grunted sticking his head inside the fridge.

  "That bad huh? You know you come up here to get away, my guess is you need to talk about something, and yet you won't." She threw her hands up in the air.

   "Today is the court date. In a few hours I'll be divorced," Colts harden expression faltered, the tears began to well. "I lost them before I even had a chance to show them how much I wanted them." He cried out "I love them, all I wanted was to be with them." He completely broke down in front of his mother. Colt always had his guard up, he was never one to show any kind of emotion, not to his mother, not to his father,  but when it came to Ellie she was the only one who he let in.

Darcy came over and wrapped her arms around her son. "Colt, honey I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I didn't know. Oh what have I done."

Colt sat up looking at his mother confused. "What are you talking about? Mom, what did you do?"

Ellie stood in the courtroom, Darnell at her side. Logan and Riya sat in the seats in the back. She was nervous, very nervous. Colt signed the papers agreeing to the divorce but her nerves were getting the best of her. She didn't feel well, she felt dizzy, nauseous and her head was pounding. She listened as the judge went over the details of the divorce.  "In regards to the assets, I see you have declined splitting half of the assets?"

"Yes your honor, that is correct." She answered. She found out that aside from the garage and the house, Colt was loaded financially, and that was just what was traceable. Knowing Teppei, he had plenty stashed somewhere. None of it was hers, and she would never take away from Colt.

She stood there trying to take in everything the judge told her, but all she could think about was the hurt look on Colts face. Where he was, what he was doing in that moment. She loved him, she did, it was just better this way and she had to do it. "Are you in agreeance of all covered today, and freely deciding to dissolve the marriage to Colton Kaneko?" The judge pulled her from her thoughts. She tried to speak but the words would not come, she felt disoriented, lightheaded and sick to her stomach. "I… I" And before she knew it, everything went black. The last thing she heard was Riya yelling her name.

Colt sat there stunned by what his mother had  told Ellie at his house. That she was the one to push her to go through with the divorce. "I am so very sorry Colt. I didn't know. I didn't know how you felt and I just wanted to-" she shook her head not wanting to finish the sentence. "You just wanted to what mom?" He challenged.

"I just wanted to save her and that little girl the same heartache we had to endure."

Colts eyes went wide, he stood knocking over the chair. "I'm not him mom. I am not Teppei Kaneko. He walked out on us. He ignored us, he chose that life over us. I'm not him, Mom. Stop comparing me to him. I would choose Ellie and Luca over my own life, I love them." He hollered. Darcy sat there, tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry Colt. I really am. Tell me what I can do." Colt began to pace the floor "Oh you've done enough. I lost them." He looked at the time, pulling out his phone.  "Fuck. No reception." He walked out to the lake trying to clear his head. She would be in court by now, and the divorce was probably finalized.

"Ellie? Ellie? Can you hear me?" Ellie tried to shake off the haze. Her head hurt so bad "ngh. Logan?" She squinted her eyes against the bright lights above her. "Hey troublemaker. You scared us." He grinned at her, helping her sit up.

"What happened? Where am I?" She winced, the pain in her head hitting her all at once.

"You fainted in the courtroom. You hit your head. How are you feeling?" Riya stood in front of her bed.

"Like I went a round with Ronda Rousey." She chuckled.

A man in a white Jacket walked in a minute later "Hello Miss Martin. I'm Dr Jones, we have been waiting for you to wake up. How are you feeling?" He began to assess her.

"Ok, I guess. My head hurts really bad." She sighed.

"Right, of course. That's to be expected when one hits their head. Your friends say you fainted. Is this a normal occurrence?"

"No. I've never fainted before." She answered as he checked her pupils

"Any dizziness, vomiting, loss of balance?" He asked.

"Yes, all of the above." She winced again as he touched the tender spot on her head.

"Ok. We drew some blood, just waiting for the labs to come back. In the meantime, we will get you something for that headache." Ellie nodded as the doctor typed on the computer and left the room.

"Oh Ellie, thank god you're ok." Darnell barrelled into the room. "I'm ok. I think. Oh no, the hearing, you went through the trouble of rushing it."

"Hey thats ok. Your health is more important. But, the Judge will do a closed circuit chat if you want. She is wanting to wrap this up before her vacation." Ellie smiled at Darnell, "yes definitely."

"OK. I'll set it up. Be back shortly." Darnell left the room, riya went with him to check on Markus leaving her alone with Logan.

Ellie looked over to see Him with a forlorn look upon his face. "Penny for your thoughts?" Logan turned to look at her. "Ellie, I love you. You know I have always loved you, and I always will.  You were the first and only girl I ever loved."

"Logan…"

"Let me finish. I. I think you're making a huge mistake." She gave him a confused look.

"Don't go through with the divorce Ellie. Colt, he loves you. And I don't know if I'm Luca's dad or he is, but he loves that little girl too. I just think you should give him a chance."

Ellie looked at him wide eyed.  "Logan, you hate Colt."

"Yeah, I did but, people grow. And don't worry about me, I'll be fine." He gave her a gentle squeeze.

"I appreciate your honesty, but I have to do it. But Logan, I think you should pursue things with Stacie. She's a great girl and I happen to know she thinks you're pretty great." She couldn't believe what he just said.

"Ellie I don't know. Isn't that messed up? She's your friend. I can't do that to you." Logan hesitated.

"I know, and its ok. I want you to be happy, and even if you didn't notice it, you guys have some great chemistry."

Darnell walked in,interrupting the moment.  "We're all set. You ready?" Ellie nodded. Logan giving her a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. "Just think about what I said. It's not too late."

Logan's phone rang, he looked down seeing a familiar number.  "Its the doctors office." He lifted the phone to his ear.

Hello. Yes this is Logan Rider. They are? Well we are at the hospital right now, Ellie had a health scare. Really? Yes, that would be perfect. Yes. Thank you.

He hung up, quickly running into the room.

"The results are in. The doctor is actually visiting patients in the hospital right now. He can pull the results up and read them to us today. "

Ellie felt that nauseous feeling creeping up again. This was the moment they had been waiting for and Colt wasn't there. "Just a few minutes Logan, please." Logan nodded and walked out of the room.  He picked up the phone dialing a number he didn't think he ever would. Straight to voicemail. "Colt, its Logan. The results are in. If you get this come to the hospital asap."

Colt stood at the water's edge, every emotion he had buried deep down inside came spilling out.  It was as if he was a dam that had broken and he couldn't patch it. He tried his phone again and again. Moving to different areas just trying to pick up some kind of signal, all his efforts failing.  "FUUUUCK." he screamed as he tossed his phone onto the ground, quickly realizing what he did, he picked the phone up which was now cracked and not working. He stomped inside the house even more mad then he was to begin with.

He grabbed the house phone dialing his number. 10 new voicemails. A few from toby giving him updates at the shop. One from Logan, another from Logan, and then the last two from Ellie. The paternity results were in, and he wasn't going to be there. He tried her phone,  but it went to voicemail.

Ellie it's me, Colt. I know I'm not going to be there for the results and I am so, so mad at myself for it. I also know that by now we're probably divorced. I just want you to know that I love you el, with all my heart.  And if Luca is my Daughter, I will be the best father to her, the kind of father she deserves. I know if I don't hear from you, she's not mine. But even then, I will always be there for her, and you.

Colt hung up and paced the floor, going through a mix of emotions. He checked his voicemail every 20 minutes, it became a ritual. It was now 9pm and he never heard from Ellie.  He tried to convince himself that maybe she got busy, maybe she was just in Shock but the fact that she did not call told him that Luca was his afterall. He finally fell into bed, he had been an emotional wreck the entire day. He could feel his heart breaking in two, he had lost her,  he had lost the family he so desperately wanted. It was just him and him alone.

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[onebangtanstan]

Power Styles - Chapter Fourteen : The launch

I quickly turn off my alarm as Hobi is still fast asleep beside me. I gently leave my bedroom, letting him have a lay-in.

I check my phone while I'm waiting for my coffee to pour, and have a text from Jin.

« Hey Gina, just a bit worried is Hobi with you?»

I type « Hey Jin, yeah sorry he slept here, I didn't want to let him leave, he was a bit drunk and sad. »

The warm smell of coffee fills up my nose as I walk to the couch. I take a look at social media while I drink my coffee, and the first thing I see everywhere is articles about Namjoon's new hair color. Ughh, give me a break, I just woke up. Jin answers at the perfect time, just before I was starting to get angry again.

« Oh okay, thanks Gina. »

I don't have time to reply because a second text pops up on my screen.

« I've been meaning to ask.. Would you like to have dinner sometime? 🥺 »

I smile as butterflies invade my stomach.

« I would love too Jin 😌»

I open my computer to start working. My team has already started so I get updated on what has been done, and start editing the video clip. I prefer to do it by myself, so everything is perfect.

I decide to put on some music to not work in silence and figure I should get to know BTS before tour. I put on a random playlist and get back into working.

About an hour into editing, I start vibing to a bouncy song. It's so good that I actually start dancing in my living room.

I hear a laugh behind me, making me turn around and go red when I see Hobi.

« How long have you been there? » I shyly ask

« Not too long » He says « But long enough to see you vibing on RM's solo. »

Oh fuck. « Um I didn't know.. Coffee ?» I'm trying to divert the conversation.

« Yes please. » We head to the kitchen. « You don't have to be embarrassed, it's a good song. And it's healthy to have dance sessions. »

He smiles at me, presses play and turns the volume up.

Namjoon's voice fills up my apartment while Hobi starts jumping around, screaming the lyrics.

« I LIVE SO I LOVE! I LIVE SO I LOVE! LIVE AND LOVE, LIVE AND LOVE! IF IT'S LOVE I WILL LOVE YOU!»

« You should take that advice » I tell him.

« FIRST LET ME VIBE! »

I look at him dancing around my living room. First of all, wow, he's an amazing dancer. Secondly, he's so cute. He looks so happy in this moment, I can't help but smile at him. I must look like a proud mom.

He falls down on the couch when the song is over. I join him soon after with his cup of coffee. He grabs it from my hands as soon as I hand it to him.

« Did you sleep okay? » I ask him.

« Yes, thank you again. I really needed it. » He looks at me gratefully.

« Anytime. » I smile back at him. « Did you think about our talk? »

« Yes I did. » I look at him anticipatedly. « I'm going to tell him. »

« Oh Hobi that's amazing! » I pull him into my arms. « Just know that whatever you need, I'll be here to support you. »

« Brilliant, because I was thinking of a grand gesture. »

« How so? » I'm intrigued.

« Well we have the dinner on Monday and I was thinking a speech? So then the boys would know too. He's already out, so he wouldn't mind. »

« That would be epic. »

I get back to work soon after, and Hobi just stays with me all day, asking me questions about the editing. I eventually close my computer around 6pm.

« Right, that's enough for today. » I'm actually surprised, I got a lot done today and will only need to add finishing touches tomorrow. «What are we doing tonight? »

« Dinner and drinks? My treat. »Hobi says. I nod back, it's exactly what I need.

« Brilliant. Let me go back home to get ready and I'll pick you up at 8. »

« Perfect! » I say

I start getting ready as soon as he leaves. I take a long shower, allowing the water to rinse all the tensions away. I tie my hair up in a tight bun, put on my makeup and head towards my wardrobe. I feel good tonight, so I pick a nice outfit to match my mood.

My phone bings as I'm about to put my clothes on. It's a text from Hobi.

« Hey, I should be here in 30 minutes. Quick question, is it okay if Jin tags along? »

« Absolutely! » I text back, and think about how my outfit is a perfect fit for tonight.

Hobi calls me just as I'm putting my coat on. I quickly leave my apartment to join him and Jin in the black SUV.

« Wow Gina, you look amazing! » Hobi says

« Why do you sound surprised? » I tease him, and look over to Jin, who is just staring at me. « Hey Jin. »

He snaps back into reality « Um, hi Gina, how are you? »

« Good, thank you. » I'm amused by his first reaction, but he hasn't seen my outfit yet. This is going to be fun.

We arrive at barbecue restaurant in Gangnam. Jin, as a true gentleman, opens the door for us. A waitress brings us to our table, and I wait for the perfect moment to take off my coat. Jin's eyes almost pop out of his head. Mission accomplished.

« Oh wow. » Are they only 2 words that he can manage to say.

I act as if I didn't notice how he's looking at me. I sit down and start looking at the menu, feeling his gaze on me.

We decide to order a bit of everything and just share. We also order a nice bottle of red wine and some soju.

We start eating and drinking and talking. At first we talk about work, but as the drinks kick into our systems, the conversation drifts to nonsense. All of a sudden Hobi stands up.

« LOOK WHO'S HEEEEERE! » His glass is held up high towards the other side of the room. « TAE-TAE AND KOOKIE! » I giggle at the knicknames, turning my head to notice them coming towards us.

« Hey guys, what's up? » Kook says.

« Eating, drinking, talking, all that, you know?» Jin answers.

« Come have a drink with us! » Hobi tells them.

They sit down after a few minutes of us practically begging them to join us. They're both a bit tipsy but definitely not on our level. We take it upon ourselves to get them in the same state as us by starting a drinking game. They quickly catch up on us, causing general hysteria at our table.

We start sobering up after a while.

« Right, we're going to go. » Tae says, looking intensily at Kook.

« Sure thing. » Kook smiles back at Tae, almost blushing.

We all decide to leave and end up on the street to say goodbye.

Tae and Kook hop into a car, that soon disappears into the night. They seemed to be in a hurry.

« Come on let's go. Gina we're bringing you home. » Jin says, and I don't interject ; I'm still quite drunk.

I stare out the window the whole way back, seeing the city lights go past us. Seoul truly is beautiful at night, with all the signs lighting up the streets.

Hobi has fallen asleep by the time we arrive at my building. Jin helps me get out of the car and into my building.

He's holding me in his arms while we're on the lift. I can feel myself almost falling asleep leaning on him, his heartbeat sending soothing rushes through my body.

He takes my keys out of my hands after seeing the way I'm struggling to open my door.

« Are you good from here? » He asks.

« S-sure. » I stutter and trip at the same time.

« Right, let's get you to bed. »

He carries me into my room and lies me in my bed. His arms feel so good around my body.

« Will you manage to take off your clothes or do you need help? »

I simply groan, indicating him to help me. He gets to the top, and takes it off as I realize I'm not wearing a bra. I'm too tired to care, but he pauses for too long. I move under my covers to break the awkwardness. He walks up to tuck me in.

« Goodnight Gina. » He whispers. He kisses my forehead softly but I can feel the lust in his lips pressed on my skin.

I barely hear the door close, already lost in my dreams.

I have a hard time remembering where I am when I wake up, and how I ended up in my underwear. Flashbacks from last night come streaming in my head. Wow, I was really drunk.

I pull myself out of bed, throw a robe on and head straight to my coffee machine.

I sit on my couch with my warm mug, staring through the window, slowly waking up.

A text alert brings me back to earth

« How are you feeling today? » It's Jin. He's so thoughtful.

« A bit drowsy but okay. Thanks for last night, and sorry if I made you uncomfortable.. »

« Well I couldn't leave you like that by yourself.» A second text comes in straight after. « Uncomfortable wouldn't be the feeling. »

I giggle at his text before typing a reply. «Might I know what it was then? 🙄»

« I'd rather not tell you 😏»

I smile. I know exactly what the feeling was, I'm feeling it right now.

I force myself to snap out of it, I have work to do.

I open up my computer and start working on the video once again.

The day goes by as I finish the campaign. My team is also working really hard and we end up finishing everything before schedule.

I decide to text the boys.

« Hey guys! So quick update on the campaign : everything is edited and almost ready for the launch tomorrow. Get ready, it's going to be everywhere at 12. »

I put my phone down and head to the shower. I hear the notifications go wild. I pick it up as soon as I step out.

Hobi : I CAN'T WAIIIIIT 🤗

Kook : Yay! Thanks for your hard work Gina

Yoongi : Thanks for your update !

Jin : Brilliant!

As usual, Jimin didn't answer but strangely Namjoon did. And it wasn't a mean answer either. It reads « Very well, could you keep us updated tomorrow too? »

What? He's asking for news?

« Sure no problem » I answer.

I look at the time and decide to head to bed. I haven't slept a lot this weekend and I need to be in good shape tomorrow.

The next day, I get ready for work and stop once again for coffee and food for everyone.

We have quite a chill morning, since everything was done this weekend. We're just going over a few details, and even have time to talk about the tour.

We all gather in the conference room at 12 to see the official campaign. M. Yi joins us too.

The countdown starts on the screen and there it is. My team and I watch the final product of our hard work being sent out to the world. We're very proud of it. We put every effort into it in such a short time.

M. Yi starts clapping and we all join in.

We pop some champagne and stay there for a bit before I send my team away. I was able to get them the next two days of since I took up their weekend.

« You did well Ms Douglas. » M. Yi is now standing beside me.

« Thank you, sir. I promise the tour will be better, I'll have more time to be prepared. »

« Better than you pulled off here would be phenomenal. I made the right decision hiring you 3 years ago. »

« I'm very grateful sir. »

He proceeds to leave the room as my phone starts blowing up. It's the group. They're all congratulating me (almost all of them) and telling me how much they love it. I also notice a private text from Jin.

« Come downstairs. »

I gather my stuff with butterflies in my stomach and head to the elevator.

When I walk out, I see Jin standing there with a huge bouquet in his hands.

« Congratulations Gina. »

« Oh my God, Jin! Thank you so much they're beautiful! » I truly am surprised. « What are you doing here? »

« I thought we could spend the day together before heading to Tae's what do you think? »

« I'd love that. »

We leave the building side by side, my arm hooked around his, while feeling my colleagues' stares on us.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

10:12pm.

GOD THAT FEELS GOOOOOOD.

Monday, May 18th of 2020.

That feels like the emotional equivalent of taking off your bra after a loooong day on a walk!

Like finally getting that fresh relaxer and hot iron press done and smelling like strawberries and candy after months of new growth and dandruff and your roots tightening your beanies!

Like waking up and realizing your period is finally over for another three weeks!

Like finally having raw sex after months of celibacy and living in a nunnery!

What's causing these emotions, you say?!

Easy!

I!

CHANGED MY BLOG!

Then, CHANGED IT BACK TO NORMAL, since it turns out that I absolutely fucking loathe changes to things I felt comfortable with.

I enjoy my sexy and slightly disheveled, red hot, "im done with life" blaring cherry red tinted selfie with purple undertones, and my dark magenta purple background, and soooo much more.

And my username was literally chosen after tons of cringey and stressful ones in high school. You think I wanna sacrifice my title????? Do you know how hard it is to create your own simplistic and yet very unique fucking nickname that doesnt make you sound lame as fuck???????

Tamiddy is love; Tamiddy is life.

(Oh god. Don't remind me of that, gosh, who the fuck decided to make Shrek is Love Shrek is Life a real thing.... its so shitty.)

Anyway.

How's life going, chums?

So far, I have:

Started using witch hazel and aloe vera on my face before sleeping. It's the first time in ages I didn't wake up with extremely puffy eyes, or like a sick child in the Victorian era that was six steps away from their death. You bet your ass I'm gonna use it more. That + witch hazel + grapeseed oil = it's been such a short amount of time and effort, but my acne scars are fading ridiculously fast right now. This is sex. Oh my lord.

I had another movie night with Cam! I was feeling like pure shit, after I caused a migraine due to poor diet, not eating a vegetable or any real solid meal in god knows how fucking long, and sleeping on my neck funny... I legitimately thought that I was going to die when it happened, I very rarely ever have migraines. (Not even my 'wear a tight wig cap, tight wig, and super snug beanie over my thick, crying for help huge mount of hair puff' phase caused me ones like that. Sure, dizziness and memory loss, BUT not me collapsing on the ground for an hour and making Instagram posts that were my last living will and testament.... I think. If I did, then I can't remember, so.... lmfaoooo.)

Anyway, I surprisingly did not die! Aye. Bars. Aye. I should remove the post I made about it soon, though, lmfao....

I washed my hair and did a SUCCESSFUL LOC METHOD TWISTOUT TODAAAAY. My hair smells like strawberries and hints of blueberry custard, i put in grapeseed oil and LottaBody to seal in the moisture and smell, some DooGrow.... Girl.... you ever want to fuck yourself from how absolutely great you did something for yourself? Like, "I DID SO GOOD TODAAAAAY, I WASHED MY HAIR AND SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES, OH MY GOD I WANNA FUCK?" It can't be just me. But, hey, I feel ecstaticccc. Every time I inhale, I smell like someone smashed a strawberry shortcake against my skull. And that, my dear, is pure bliss. (I might try baking again soon because of it!)

Listened to 60s music.... I love refinding the things I had forgotten I loved. What a blessing, really. Here's a good song I liked. It sounds so beautiful and haunting, and a nice mix between peaceful, and.... spiteful. But the type of spite that makes you smile and laugh, as if someone with a lot of audacity has returned back into your life. A necessary song, really.

I wonder if me holding in my breathe for extremely long periods of times as a kid is why I have my voice impediment much more amplified growing up? Did I cut off blood flow from my brain? I don't know how it works. But it could be as simple as "my tongue still doesn't know how to move in certain directions fluidly and quickly enough to not sound British as fuck on accident like that". Had the voice impediment ever since I was young, but somehow people decided "she cant pronounce Ls and Rs" as "omg u r british??????" I don't know how any of that shit came to be for me at all. Jesus.

Had a casual movie with Cam. I knew I really needed the social interaction. We made up after the last spat we had, (since he is genuinely a good guy, once we both mutually apologized, me more since I felt so bad over it, and him explaining himself better... we had built the bridge, and gotten over it.)

Watched Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. They loved it. YESSS. And we also traded some interests. I told them that standup comedy was a great way to kill time and learn about comedic timing and storytelling, (thanks Netflix, for showing me how to tell stories! Learning pacing makes shit waaaay easier.) And he told me a few video games I should play. Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines is on the top of my list. I recall a video of how hysterical the game is when you design your character to be as fugly as possible. I FUCKING LOOOOVE THAAAAT. Thanks Cam! Dope ass presence. In a few days, we might watch another flick. :)

Went to cash in money today. Promptly blew it all within the next 30 minutes. Very on the nose for me. :) But to be fair, it was only like 42 bucks or something, and I blew it on healthy snacks. Suck my clit, health is important. I didn't need another fainting spell; and knew blowing all my cash on sustenance instead of on cuuuute 14 dollar sundresses with free shippinggggg..... was a better idea. Since I kinda have to be ALIVE to see next year or so, you know? Just saying. All my current dresses are beautiful and stunning enough, the good sales can wait until I trust I have enough funds for myself and whatnot.

10:29pm.

I have some goaaals in mind.

The goals, listed below:

Eat at the very least two solid meals a day

Take good care of my skin

Healthy hair

.....

Wow, I just saw angel number 4444.

"The angel number 4444 signifies hard work. It's telling you that all your hard work will soon be paying off. ... If that major achievement is still a work in progress, the angel number 4444 wants you to work harder than ever to make it happen. You have done so much work already to just give up now."

How relevant. Thanks, angels, and the universe. That's lit of you.

(Right as I was like, "I should go to bed", the universe is like... "Nah hun, you can't procrastinate your way out of this one.")

So, here we are!

Two solid meals a day at the bare minimum!

Breakfast options for myself:

A cup of black tea, honey, and a cup of oatmeal. It'll give you energy, fill you up, and give you fiber for the morning and other health benefits.

Scrambled eggs with chopped up bell pepper/edamame inserted in it, to give you protein for the morning, and a health boost.

Pancakes, pre-made, stored for easily opening a tupperware and heating them up for a sweet morning pickmeup treat.

Snack options:

Diced pears/mandarins.

The unholy amount of strawberries your mother purchased. (Or maybe not, if they were bought from someone without a mask on the side of a road..... not hygenic at all to me. I'll probably ask her before I risk it.)

Oranges from your neighbor's tree. They're real nice people.

Snappea crisps. They're super cheap, like 2 bucks, and incredibly good. Plus, I should eat more vegetables... Snappeas are great for that. I'll have to buy more soon, since I only just opened the bag an hour ago, and damn near quite literally inhaled half the fucking thing. Jesus holy damn, girl, oh my gossssssssssssssssssssh. It's a cross between "don't eat all your stockpile, sis", and "but also, no shaming myself for eating, since your family also is okay with occasionally getting things for you due to being immunocompromised as a virus is going down...."

Applesauce. I originally hated flavorless applesauce, but after months of sugar free.... going back to sugar.... tasted like absolute shit. The taste variation is as dramatic as eating a fresh cup of grape juice, versus shitty grape flavored demonic cough syrup that you choke down. Fuuuck. That. But either way, if I can ever get around to choking that shit down again, then..... sure.

Any of the cookies or candy you've amassed for yourself. Good buying those, btw, since you get easily angry and irritable if its weeks without enough sugar. So low calorie and high sugar items sometimes hit for your health, alright?

Lunch/Dinner:

Your panini grill for anything. Grilled cheese, grilled peanut butter sandwiches...... Whatever you can put in between a grill, you can do with your 14 dollar George Foreman.

The big ass 3 different jugs of tomato soup you have. That + an extreme amount of cheese = terrible since you're lactose intolerant, BUT still a great meal for a nice night in.

Brown rice + any can of Campbells soup. Imagine eating brown rice with that steak and gravy (crappy but somewhat delicious even if it smells like the restroom at a deserted gas station,) and actually being filled for the night. You deserve that. Not the smell of a gas station restroom lingering in your bedroom in the late night, BUT positive weight gain, and some comfort food for yourself.

Any of your pasta hoard. You have so much pasta. Oh my god. Some of it is ancient.... you won't die from it I think? I think. Eh. Alright. You've still got that jar of marinara sauce to put to use! Fun. :)

Kraft Mac and Cheese. Super easy. Nuff said.

That orange chicken and fried rice in your freezer. You can coooook now. It's not like the last few years of hell! You can genuinely indulge and take up space in your home now. Temporary home, but still your space to reside, so. :)

I'll get in the habit of meal planning tomorrow probably. I can see myself doing really good if I stick with that. If I bust out hella cooking in one still day, then the rest should come easily. Just opening tupperwares and eating them. Hella great!

11:08pm.

I'm doing so good for myself, really. Even a good friend of mine mentioned wanting to do a podcast video with me on world topics. I'm heeeella down for that shit! Hell yes. Heeeell yessssss.

Bonding with a lot of my friends who I lost touch with recently. Sam is especially a great girl, I genuinely hope she knows I hold a very lovely high opinion of her. I often don't click too well with girls, if they tend to seem overly "uwu soft aaaa~♡☆", or ironically the pickme tomboys that ironically sabotage friendships with other girls by being "not like OTHER girls" to their male counterparts and fighting for attention, or thinking lip gloss = being a bimbo.....

(Coughcoughaudreyyourestillabitch, coughcoughgofuckyourselfenjoyutahandmormonswhostillhavemorepersonalitythanyoudo.)

So it's hard to find the balance of "super into feminine stuff and being lighthearted" and "also can be relied on for heavier topics or a casual 'fuck that prick'/political talk" type of friendship. I like her. (And my friend Ashley, I've gotta check in with her soon! We haven't talked much since she had her baby boy. I should send her some memes, or something. She recently told off some white girl who claimed black people could be racist against white people. Ashley is a bad bitch, you know.)

Ugh, I can't believe I dated my ex. The type to say that a white person saying the n word with a hard r wasn't racist, if its a *joke*, but would say that referring to majority white neighborhoods as "suburban" was racist against white people.

Why did I date him?????

God, even that one time before I met his grandpa, I think I passively said "By the way, is there anything I should know about your family or the way they do things that I should know before coming over?"

And when he didn't understand what I meant, despite me giving clear examples like "Yknow, any specific family quirks and whatnot. Like idk, if yall eat dinner at 5pm, or if a family member makes certain weird jokes no one understands, or tests they do on people, or is racist, or anything in general that you think I'd wanna know before meeting them."

And he literally only sunk in the "is racist" part, and just went, pretty unrelated to every other thing I said, "Well, he doesn't think black people are the superior RACE, if that's what you're asking."

Stupid motherfucker, why would that at all be what I was asking?????? Why even go there??? I'm not expecting your white ass "Beepo" to be a Black Nationalist, you absolute hard r word, i meant moreso if there was ANYTHING AT ALL that I should know beforehand.

If he asked me that question if roles were reversed, I'd answer like, "Well my mom will make jokes at your expense, and my older brother will probably mock you at some point, but they just like to push buttons, never take them seriously. And my younger brother is shy, he likes Fortnite if you wanna bring that up. Feel free to compliment my mom on her cooking, and try not to mention me being gay or too much dirty stuff around them."

He could have EASILY went "well my dad won't like to hear that you're an agnostic with an islamic background, and no one in my family is really odd, just as long as you're polite. Also, my granddad likes to grab people by the hand, purposely wriggle you around willy nilly, then make the joke "Hey, you shake funny!"", and it could have been chill!

But, Patrick is stupid, and believes racism against white people is a real thing.

Such a stupid fucking asshole. God. Let's think about someone that is not him....

11:36pm.

So far so good! Might do songwriting later on tonight.

And someone read a tweet of mine and wants to buy feet pice. Aaaaaaaaa manifesting works. Aye.

Gonna vibe now. Peace yalls.

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

After over a week, I'm back with another update!

Hello there, lovelies! Hopefully the anticipation wasn’t too bad...But alas! Here I am, back again with the next chapter. Admittedly, this chapter took much longer than anticipated for me to write and even though I knew exactly what was going to happen, I still struggled to find the right way to convey it for maximum impact...idk, I've also been finding it a little tricky to find time to write with all the random stuff I've had going on in real life lately. 😬

Anyways...I hope you enjoy this because I'm not sure when the next time I will post will be...and as always, I love hearing what you guys have to say and seeing all the love you guys show to my writing...it's a large reason as to why I even make an effort to post my writings anymore, so thanks! 😘 All my previous chapters can be found right here, if you wish to get caught up.

Making Up for Lost Time

I can’t believe I’m about the say this, but…I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow. 

It was Christmas day—the day in which families near and far gather to enjoy each other’s company and celebrate—and Rae could not be unhappier.

There surely must have been a time when Rae felt differently about Christmas. Perhaps when she was a child and was still basking in the naivety of youth; however, for the last few years Rae has found this holiday to feel like more of a burden and be emotionally draining to the point that she has lost the childlike sense of wonder that used to be synonymous with Christmas time when she was younger.

Rae had been awakened before the sun had even fully risen by loud crashing and the unmistakable scent of charred food that could only mean one thing: Rae’s mother was trying to cook. Trying, but certainly not succeeding.

“Wait! Stop what you’re doing, right now! Get the coffee started to brew and I’ll take over from here. Please mum, before you burn the house down, I beg of you!” Rae called from the room she had slept in to her mother in the kitchen as she tied her plush dressing gown around her waist and slid her feet into her favorite pair of slippers before rushing to the kitchen.

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Rachel! It isn’t that bad…” Rae’s mum took a glance at the disheveled stack of what appeared to be pancakes that were simultaneously burned on the outside and completely raw inside, “On second thought…perhaps I will just get the coffee started. Can you take over for me here?”

“By ‘take over’, you mean ‘start completely from scratch because these ones are inedible’, right?” Rae joked, gently nudging her mum with her hip as her mum grabbed the coffee from the cabinet above their stove.

The rest of the family awoke on their own accord and grabbed their breakfast before returning to their respective rooms to eat on their own, as even during the holidays, Rae’s family could not adhere to the formalities of spending time together as a family.

The rest of the day proceeded in much of the same fashion: Rae confined to the kitchen as she was the only member of the family who was willing and able to take the lead on cooking Christmas dinner, while the rest of her family came and went as they pleased.

By the end of the night when the gifts had been exchanged and opened, dinner had been eaten, and the dishes had been cleaned, everyone was ready to go to bed for the night; however, Rae still had to travel back to her apartment in the city, as she had work early the following morning.

And by the time Rae had returned to her apartment and was able to climb into the comforting warmth of her bed, it was already the early hours of morning, and as Rae tossed and turned trying to get some sleep, she could already see the earliest signs of the sunrise on the horizon.

***

The first three and a half hours of Rae’s shift at work were downright torturous. The café down the street from Rae’s work was closed for Christmas weekend, so Rae begrudgingly had to forego the cup of coffee she had been looking forward to getting on her way to work. When Rae arrived at work, she was looking forward to the warm, coziness of an office building with the heater running to help warm her up from her walk to work that morning; however, she quickly realized upon arriving at work that the heating system was not functioning correctly and there was no one available to fix the heating system until Tuesday, due to the holiday. 

Ugh, fucking Christmas ruins everything…

Mondays at work were generally pretty quiet and today was no exception. Most of Rae’s coworkers had taken off work today to spend another day with their families, but Rae was more than happy to return to the city for work opposed to spending any additional time with her family.

When Rae’s scheduled break time finally came, Rae was thankful for the fifteen minutes to walk around outside and warm up a bit, as the sun was shining and it felt warm on her skin through her clothes despite the chill in the air.

When Rae had a few minutes left in her break, she returned to the break room and purchased an energy drink from the vending machine. She took a few long drinks from the can before setting it into the office refrigerator for her to finish after she got off of work.

Rae sat back down in her desk chair when she returned from break and got back to work responding to customers when after a while she sensed—rather than saw—someone walk up and sit down in the seat beside her.

“Hey stranger,” she greeted with a smirk as she quickly finished typing the message she had started, sent it, and turned in her desk chair to meet the familiar, warm dark brown eyes of the person who had taken a seat at the empty desk beside her.

Note to self: “Hey stranger” as a greeting holds the same meaning and creates the same sexual tension as “make me” during a squabble…

“Rae…” Finn’s eyes lit up when he said her name and they locked eyes, derailing his train of thought and making him forget what else he intended to say to Rae in that moment.

“It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you, Finnley! We really missed you…”

“I missed you, Mae…like a lot!” Finn chuckled and blushed lightly as he turned his head away to avoid making direct eye contact with Rae. 

I told him “we” missed him, but Finn just openly admitted to missing me in particular! No fucking way!

“So where have you been for the last couple weeks?” Rae asked as she picked up another customer conversation in an attempt at nonchalance.

“I was traveling a bit…with my band—”

Wait, did Finn just say...

“With your band? You’re in a band..?” Rae asked, her eyebrows furrowing as in confusion as she was fairly sure that she had misheard what Finn said. 

Fucking hell, as if this bloke needed to get any more attractive!

“Yeah, I’m in a punk band…” 

Of course you are.

“And I play the bass.”

“Of course you fucking do!” Rae rolled her eyes as she said this, which caused Finn to laugh and grin at Rae and she quickly realized that she had said her last thought aloud.

"What's that supposed to mean, Mae? What's wrong with me being in a band and playing bass?" 

Well…shit.

"It's just I always find myself...drawn to guys—I mean people—that are in bands...so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're musically inclined as well"

"You say the weirdest things sometimes," Finn was still chuckling before he smiled at Rae and looked at her with his dark brown eyes full of sincerity, "but I love that about you. I like talking to you, and in case you haven't noticed, I don't really like talking to anyone."

"Well...I like talking to you too, and I'm very selective about who I talk to." Rae replied, her cheeks still tinged slightly pinker than they would usually be.

"So I guess I'm one lucky guy, huh?" Finn smirked and winked at Rae but did not turn his desk chair away from her even as she returned her eyes to her computer screen to continue assisting customers.

"I, uh...I really missed you Rae...like probably too much," Finn chuckled nervously before continuing. "How was your Christmas? What gifts did you get? Don't spare me the details! I haven’t been able to see ya or talk to ya in weeks and I want to know all about it, girl!”

"My Christmas was okay,” Rae began shifting nervously about being the center of attention as Finn remained focused on her, not even making an attempt to seem like he was actually working, “I spent the day with my family and I did a lot of cooking. And for presents I mostly just got some new clothes, some proper baking equipment so I can bake more often and work on my decorating skills, and a new record player.”

“That’s great, Rae! I’m so glad to hear that you got some nice gifts. And it’s so fucking cool that you got a record player! Did you get any records or do you already have some?” Finn asked, his eyes shining with a child-like happiness as he dove into yet another discussion about music with Rae that he has missed dearly in the weeks he has been gone.

“Yeah, I got a few records…Nirvana, Pearl Jam, The Offspring, and The Ramones…most of them are just the Greatest Hits compilations, but yeah…I’m really excited to give’em a spin!”

“That’s a great start to a collection, Rae! I have a few records of my own that I think you might like, so just let me know if you ever wanna borrow some or, erm, hang out and listen to music together or whatever…” Finn broke eye contact for the first time during their conversation and looked down at his lap as he bounced his left leg rapidly and began biting the skin around his thumb nail.

“I’d love that, Finn! Thank you!” Rae added in a reassuring tone that made Finn smile and eased some of his tension and concerns.

“And you said you also got some new baking equipment or something?”

“Uh, yeah! I got a standing mixer and some new baking pans and trays, and some interchangeable decorating tips and stencils. I only had the basics at my apartment before this, so I’m happy that now I can learn new techniques and hone my decorating skills some more.”

Finn smiled as he noticed the light that came into Rae’s eyes when she was talking about something that she loves and truly enjoys. She noticed him grinning at her and tilted her head to the side in confusion. 

What did I say to make Finn look at me like that?

“You really love cooking and baking, huh?” Finn asked with genuine curiosity.

“I suppose so. I think it’s fun and a good way to relax…and I’ve had a number of people tell me I’m quite good at it, so I might as well enjoy cooking, right?” Rae replied, trying to downplay her passion for cooking and come across as casual as possible.

“I know you can bake—fuck, as if I could ever forget the cupcakes you made—but you seem like you’re a really good cook just in general.” Rae shrugged and blushed a bit at his flattery, but Finn was not content with her humbly brushing off the compliment.

“I’m serious, Rae! You could totally compete in those cooking show competitions! You know, like Chopped or Iron Chef or something like that…You would most likely win too!”

“Okay Finnley, I think you’re giving me a little bit too much credit for someone who has only ever tasted one thing I’ve cooked…”

“Perhaps you’re right…maybe you should cook me a romantic dinner one of these days and then I can truly be the judge of your talents.” Finn wiggled his eyebrows and winked at Rae, which made her blush and chuckle nervously. 

Finn is just joking, surely. He can’t be seriously about us having dinner together, obviously…but why does the look in his eyes give the impression that he meant what he said..?

Finn noticed Rae’s silence as she over-analyzed what he had said and wrongly interpreted it, assuming that his attempt at flirting had made her uncomfortable, so he quickly tried to get the conversation back on track. 

“No, but seriously. I don’t think I’m giving you too much credit, Rae…that one cupcake was more than enough to convince me. I just…I-I know that you’re amazing at everything you set your mind to and I can see the passion in your eyes when you talk about cooking.” Finn looked at Rae and smiled when the intensity of his stare cause her to look away before he continued.

“So even if you don’t believe it yet yourself, I know you have the talent and passion and I look forward to the day that I see you on TV and can brag to everyone I know that I was lucky enough to taste your cupcakes. And I’m gonna be so proud of you, girl!”

Rae was at a loss for words and was not entirely sure how to react to the unwavering confidence and belief Finn has in her abilities as a chef.

She tuned slightly in her chair to say something but her train of thought was completely derailed when she saw that Finn was still smiling at her, but he was paying extra attention to her facial features to get a better reading of her reaction.

Holy shit…is it possible that Finn could have gotten MORE fit in the two weeks since I saw him last? He’s so hot I could probably forgo the oven and bake cookies directly on this beautiful bloke in front of me!

Rae chuckled, which caused Finn to quirk an eyebrow up in confusion, and she shook the humorous thought of baking cookies directly on Finn’s naked torso from her mind before finally responding.

“Thank you, Finn. I don’t think I’ve ever known someone with so much faith in me or my cooking abilities…so I really appreciate that,” Rae cleared her throat before continuing, “Anyways! Enough about me and my life these last few weeks…you were off traveling with your fucking punk band! That’s amazing! How was that? What all did you do? Don’t spare me the details either.”

“Yeah, it was pretty great…at first…the first few shows we did were really good and we had a good sized crowd that listened to us even though we were only the opening act. But after about a week, all of us were missing our girlfriends and the people we had waiting for us here at home…And you never really know how much of a twat some of your friends are until you travel and share hotels with them non-stop for a week!”

Rae laughed and turned slightly to face Finn more directly as he continued with his story.

“Our last show was supposed to be on Christmas Eve—so I wasn’t going to be back with my family for Christmas—but we had our van broken into and stolen from the parking lot of our hotel one night, so we had to cancel the rest of our shows because all our equipment and a lot of our stuff was inside the van that was taken…”

“Holy shit, Finn! Are you serious? I am so sorry to hear that.” Rae met Finn’s gaze and his grimace turned into some semblance of a genuine smile when he saw the sincerity and overwhelming sympathy in Rae’s eyes.

“Yeah…it was pretty shitty…but this meant we were able to head home four days early and spend Christmas with our loved ones, so that was a blessing in disguise, I suppose.” Finn replied as he shrugged his shoulders.

“That’s a good way to look at it Finn! What did you and your family do for Christmas?”

“Nothing too interesting. It were just me, my dad, my stepmom, and my two sisters. I got some new clothes as well, a really nice blanket, and a popcorn popper from my family…I just felt really guilty that I didn’t have gifts to give them in return.”

Rae tilted her head to one side and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, waiting for Finn to go on. Finn proceeded to tell Rae that the day before their van was stolen, him and his band mates had spent their free day visiting the shops around the town they were in to get the last of their Christmas gifts for family, friends, and significant others.

“Well, ya see, all the gifts I gotten for people were in the back of the van that got stolen…” As the understanding sunk in, Rae gasped and gave Finn an apologetic look as he continued telling the story.

“I was gutted to see that everything I had was taken because some of the gifts had sentimental value and special meaning—they weren’t just bought from a store—so it’ll be nearly impossible for me to replace all the gifts, but I am gonna try. Do you think people will be upset that I couldn’t give them a gift?” Finn broke eye contact, shifting his gaze to examine his fingernails that he had bitten down significantly while coping with recent stressful events. 

“Finn, of course not!” Rae finished the message she was typing before reaching her left hand over to gently squeeze his hands where they rested on the desk beside her before continuing, “This wasn’t your fault at all, so anyone should be able to understand why you weren’t able to give them a gift. It means enough that you tried and that you are trying to make it up to them, I honestly don’t even think you should concern yourself with what other people will think. If you have the right people in your life, they will be more than understanding of the situation…”

Rae studied Finn’s face, which was now turned slightly away from her as he stared at the ground, and the panic began to set in as she began to second-guess what she had just said to him. Finn then looked up at Rae from under his thick eyebrows and a grin spread slowly across his face when their eyes met.

“I’m not sure how, but I had a feeling you’d say something like that, Rae,” Finn finally replied, chuckling nervously as he ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, “I like that mentality.”

Rae and Finn fell into a comfortable silence for the remaining hour of her shift, as she kept responding to customers and Finn began assisting the first customers of his shift despite being logged into his computer for a few hours.

When the clocks on the wall nearest to them chimed, signaling the new hour, Rae logged off of her computer and stood from her desk chair to leave.

“Okay, I’m leaving for the day. It was really nice to see ya today, Finn…” 

Don’t you say it, Rae…Don’t you dare fucking say it!

“I, uh…I really missed you while you were gone too, Finn.” 

Fuck…you said it.

Rae hurried out of the building, not willing to wait for Finn’s response to her admitting that she had missed him, as she was sure that his reaction would not be a good one.

***

As she walked along the perimeter of the building toward the seating area in which a number of shaded stone tables served as the designated “smoking area” near their office complex, Rae took a seat at one of the tables that was in direct sunlight in an attempt to recover some of the warmth she had been lacking inside the building for the last few hours.

Rae was sitting at this table for a few minutes, drinking the remainder of her energy drink and scrolling through her social media accounts when she noticed someone walking quickly towards the table she was sitting at.

“Fancy seeing you here! Why are you sitting out here alone?”

Rae looked up to see Finn standing in front of the table she was sitting at and she could clearly tell that he was debating if he should take a seat as well or not.

“Hiya Finn…I haven’t seen you in ages!” Rae joked before continuing, “I was really cold, so I wanted to warm up a bit before walking home so I’m sitting here in the sun…and I wanted to finish drinking my energy drink…”

“Well…I can think of a few things we could do that could warm ya up…” Finn replied with a smirk as he sat down at the opposite side of the table facing Rae, which caused her to blush a deep red color.

“So…uh…what are you doing out here, Finn?”

“I’m on my break. Normally I like to walk laps around the building to get my blood pumping a bit or I’ll go get some food or coffee, but while I was walking today I saw you sitting here and well…”

“Oh! I’m sorry I’m ruining your break time. I can leave if ya want—”

“No! I mean…you don’t have to leave on my account. I want to sit and talk to you for a bit while I’m on break, if that’s alright with you. We still have a lot of making up for lost time to do, girl!”

“Okay…so what do ya wanna talk about, Finnley?”

“Uhm…do you wanna hear about a couple of my New Year’s resolutions?” Rae nodded and took another sip of her energy drink, giving Finn an encouraging smile as she waited for him to speak.

“Well…I want to start going to the gym more often. To get a bit healthier and build some muscles, you know? And…uh…I really want to stop smoking.”

“That’s great Finn! I’m happy to hear you’re making some choices to put your health first in this upcoming year.”

“Yeah…I mean, I don’t like that I smoke and I know a lot of people that matter to me that don’t like when the people around them smoke, so I’m willing to make those changes for them and for myself.”

Rae took another drink of her energy drink and watched in curiosity as Finn rolled an acorn back and forth on top of the table before he looked up to meet her eyes.

“What about you, Rae? Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?”

“Uh, not really. I don’t think they’re very effective—for me at least—and I almost never accomplish them, so I rarely make resolutions…I do, however, like to assess what the year that is ending meant for me and what I want the next year to bring…in general terms, at least.”

“So what do you want the year 2017 to bring you?”

“Well in 2016, I experienced a lot of high highs and low lows…and…well, I don’t really know how to say this without ranting about the intricacies of my screwed up life, but…”

“Rae, I understand if you don’t wanna tell me, but I just want to let you know you can tell me anything. I won’t judge you and even if I can’t help, I can promise you that I will try my fucking best to help however I can….I want you to trust me, Rae.”

Rae was caught off-guard by his sincerity as she searched his eyes for any indication that he did not mean what he was saying.

“Okay…well, I’ve had a rough few years. And by that, I suppose I mean that the last six years of my life have been very difficult and almost always seemed to be getting worse with each passing year…but even just the small changes I’ve made in my life in the last few months I think are small steps towards where I want to be…So I want 2017 to help me realize who are my true friends and help me surround myself with people that genuinely care for me and want me to be happy. I also want to keep working towards loving myself and embracing who I am at this point in my life, and yeah…I guess my new year’s resolution for 2017 would just be to be happy.” 

She took a deep breath and before she could psych herself out of saying what was on the tip of her tongue, Rae added “And I'm not entirely sure why, but I do trust you Finn…” 

As soon as the words left her lips, she immediately looked down at her hands on top of the stone table and busied herself with examining her long, polished red fingernails. 

“Oh, Rae…I’m so glad you felt comfortable telling me that and you don't know how happy I am to hear that you trust me,” he paused briefly and stared at her with a gentle smile until she looked up to meet his eyes and he continued, “I want you to be happy, girl. I know that you especially deserve to be happy because you’re world-class…and no, Rae, I’m not just saying that to be nice. I mean it. And I want to do whatever I can as your coworker and close mate and…well, whatever you want me to be, to help you be happy.” 

How did I get lucky enough to know such a fit boy that also has a heart of gold? I must have won the lottery or stepped into a parallel universe because this sort of shit never happens to Rae Earl…

Rae and Finn kept talking about everything and anything, just enjoying the pleasantly warm afternoon weather and each other’s company when Finn happened to glance at his phone to check the time.

“Shit…my break ended a while ago. I should probably head back to work now…I suppose. So...what your plans for the rest of the day, Rae?” Finn asked as he begrudgingly stood from the table and gave Rae a shy smile.

“My plans…for the rest of today? Well I was just gonna go back to my apartment…but I think maybe I’ll go to the Secret Garden instead.”

“Wait…Did you say, uh, ‘secret garden’…?”

“Yeah! It’s this little garden on campus where I’ve been growing some plants and vegetables for the last couple months…it’s well-hidden and almost no one knows about it, so it’s my secret garden. I like going there to just relax, or listen to music and think from time to time…”

“Oh, that’s so cool, Rae! And that sounds like a lot of fun…I wish I could come along so you could show me around your secret garden and I can just keep hanging out with you…but instead I have to go back to work.” 

Wait a second! Did Finn just openly admit how much he wants to keep hanging out with me and have me show him around my garden?

Every sexual innuendo Rae's friends have been making for the last few month since Rae took this gardening class came to mind and she tried to contain the giggle and ignore the blush that was creeping into her cheeks at the memory of Chloe’s advice to try to find a nice bloke who wanted to explore Rae's “lady garden”. 

FOCUS RAE! Finn Nelson just told you how much he'd rather spend time with you than go back to work...and he's clearly interested in exploring your secret garden, which could be literal or figurative and mean something sexual...in either case, I'm not complaining, but you have to say something! And DON’T FUCK IT UP, RAE!

“Uhm...well, I wish we could keep chatting and hanging out too, but you've already missed two weeks of work and what kind of influence would I be on you if I was the reason you ditch work less than halfway through your first day back?”

“I don't care...being with you is worth getting in trouble for missing work…” Finn replied almost immediately.

“Well I'm flattered you think that, Finn, but I just couldn't do that in good conscience. But…” Rae paused for dramatic effect and to ensure that she had Finn’s undivided attention, “I'd be more than happy to give you a personal tour of my garden another time, okay? So just consider this a rain check yeah?”

“Yeah, okay! I just hope it's soon...I'm excited to see this ‘secret garden’ of yours and experience it first-hand…” Finn added with a wink and his signature crooked smirk. 

Yup...that’s most definitely a euphemism…

 “I look forward to seeing you again very soon, Rae!”

“Yeah, for sure. Enjoy the rest of your shift at work, Finnley!”

He was already walking away quickly as she said this, since his fifteen minute break was going on nearly thirty minutes now and he couldn't risk being any later than he already was, but he turned back to face Rae where she still sat at the stone table before sighing longingly and adding, “Without you there, girl? It's impossible for me to enjoy work anymore when you're not around me...take care, love!” And he quickly turned and kept walking until he was out of Rae's line of sight. 

Holy shit...I have so much new information and stories to share with the girls now that Finn is back in town and back in my life!

Rae sighed dreamily and as she walked to her Uni campus and into the secret garden to tend to her plants. 

This handsome dickhead gives me heart palpitations in the best ways possible…

And as she watered her bush of luscious red roses that were just beginning to bloom, she could not wipe the dopey lovesick grin from her face as her favorite cover of Can't Help Falling in Love crooned from her Bluetooth speakers.

@eveerez @tinakegg @hey1tskat1e @bitchesbecrazy89 @kneekeyta @milllott @protectfinnnelson @arathewallflower @jackiewalsh2013 @pink-royaute @i-dream-of-emus @lurkernolonger @bitchy-broken

A/N: Hey there! I'm back again lol. So I'm at a point where I can take this story in two very different directions, but I have not decided which just yet. I want to do right by you all, the readers, but I also want to stay true to myself and gain some form of catharsis because I have literally been detailing some of my most recent relationship drama under the guise of MMFD fanfic for like 10? chapters now...so we'll just have to wait and see where the story takes me...in the meantime: I'm always here to answer your questions, gossip about MMFD and other MMFD fanfics, and get to know you guys, so...let's be friends, yeah? 😘😁😁😘

[artificialqueens]

See You in April Ch. 3 - NQOTB (Trixya)

A/N - Hey guys, hope you enjoyed Chapter 2. The Queen of indecisiveness has struck again, and we’ve gone straight in for the kill with “The Talk.” Last Chapter I think I was attacked by a glitch in the matrix and some parts of the last couple paragraphs got cut off so I’ve put them at the beginning here to make up for it :)

Buckle up and experience 4K of pure, unadulterated angst. 

*generic female voiceover artist* “last week on See You in April…” 

He noticed Trixie shifting uncomfortably on his feet and realised his internal monologue of all the things he wished he could say had probably gone on for too long and that the frustration on his face was becoming clear. He couldn’t think straight. He had to end this conversation now before it became an external monologue and he said something to hurt his favourite person in the world.

“Well you know, I’ve never really had a favourite movie… just a top 10 that I watch in rotation.” Katya could feel himself distancing as he always did. Don’t do it. Show him that he’s all you want. “I don’t really believe that anyone ever has just one perfect… movie… for them.” Yes you do. “I think that there are lots of movies that can make you feel the same way that your favourite movie makes you feel.” You can still feel him touching you, you liar. “I don’t think you should get too attached to a film, to be honest.” You love him. You’ve loved him every day for the past three years. “I think maybe you should ask, uh, Dan? Yeah, Dan. You should ask him what kind of movies he likes on your date next week.”

He wanted to punch himself in the face the second he finished speaking. But he had done the job - Trixie was nodding his head and pushing an empty plastic cup that had fallen on the floor last night with his foot. He carried on glancing down at his feet when he spoke, the defeated tone in his voice clear as day.

“I see. Yeah, I think you’re right. Like you said… I need to get out there a bit more. See some more movies.”

Now or never, Barbra. Looks like you’ve chosen never.

*

Six months later

Trixie cautiously put one foot into the apartment as if he were dipping a cautious toe into a cold pool. He had been here so many times, but his mind hadn’t been there quite yet - he was always looking forward, thinking of the next gig, the next filming day, the next date he had with his boyfriend. Boyfriends. Katya stood in the hallway for a second and shuffled on his feet. Trixie could tell he didn’t really know what to say to him for the first time in his life.

“I'm… gonna get in the shower quickly. If that’s okay. I’m super sweaty from the journey and I need to wake myself up a bit. You can make yourself coffee if you want? Uh - pay no attention to the broken mug. That was a thing. I’ll sort it out in a bit.” The blonde man darted left into his bedroom and shut the door behind him, leaving Trixie standing there in solitude without having said a word in response. “Uh, yeah, sure. See you in a minute” he called out and made his way into the lounge.

He had never paid enough attention to the minute details of his friends apartment. Did he always have this record player? What records did he even play? He was pretty sure they didn’t put German industrial house onto vinyl but if anyone could find a copy, it would be Katya. He gazed around now to the nooks and crannies that he had never thought to dissect; the stack of videotapes containing grainy footage of all the Russian Olympic gymnasts of the 80’s and 90’s in the corner, a collection of crystals soaking up the ever-cascading sunset on the window ledge, the cowb– the cowboy hat. Trixie had worn it the day she was eliminated (for the second time) from the show that had crashed their lives together. And now it was here, on the wall, right above his head and the couch. A faltering beam of sunlight was coming through the window, and Trixie could see a couple of hairs in the light that were stuck in the weave of the hat that had come from the dark wig she wore that day. He reached out to touch it, but it was just out of his arms reach. Seems fitting.

He walked into the kitchen and padded over to the coffee machine. I pay $300 for this and that fool hasn’t even learnt how to put the beans in properly?” He should have known better than to buy the older man something like this to impress him, such a fuss. He was far too free-spirited to be in awe of a coffee machine. Trixie watched the coffee drip down into the jug laboriously and eagerly poured himself a mug as soon as it was done. The hot liquid coated his empty stomach like a fur coat in winter, and he could feel the caffeine take a hold instantly. God, when did he last eat? Or sleep for longer than half an hour? He couldn’t even tell you what day it was. The past 6 weeks had just felt like… a permanent Monday.

He heard the bedroom door click open and Brian walked in, vigorously drying his hair with a towel.

“Penny for your thoughts, mama? Wanna tell me what you’re thinking?”

Trixie stared up at the man in front of him. He tried to look for any physical signs of what might have happened to him over the past 6 weeks, but all he could see was his silly little soulmate standing there with a silly little grin on his face. It was always a surprise seeing him in his most natural state, stripped of all the paint and cloth that turned him into the Russian woman he met three years ago. He still found it incredible how the man could transform - not just physically, but characteristically, and still remain the same fantastic human being with those piercing blue eyes that sucked him in every damn time. He stared into them until they started staring back with an inquisitive squint and he remembered that he had been asked a question. He shook his head, partly in answer and partly to snap himself out of it. He had to try and stay focused.

“If I did, we would be here forever.”

“I’ve got time.”

The younger Brian bit his bottom lip, pondering where to start. He had envisioned seeing his friend again so many times, laid awake imagining where he might be and what he might be doing, but he hadn’t exactly thought through what he was going to say when he saw him. Being the rational and chill woman he was, Trixie had spent pretty much every night panicking that Katya was somewhere in the world doing something, or someone, he shouldn’t be. Getting himself in trouble. Doing things he had been strong enough to not do for a long time. He had tried calling his phone every day, and every day he would hear the same voicemail of Katya saying some shit in Russian and then laughing down the end of the receiver, followed by the inevitable beep to leave a message. He hadn’t expected the phone to actually ring today, so when it did he panicked and made his way to his apartment as quick as he could. He saw his friend get out of Amy’s car and make his way inside from the bar across the road, and decided to wait a while until he followed him in. He got to the door, froze, and sat down to collect his thoughts and calm the fuck down. That’s when Katya had opened the door.

“Where were you going?” He finally asked the blonde.

“You mean where have I been, or…?”

“No, I mean just now. When you opened the front door, you looked like you were in a rush to get somewhere.”

“I was, but it just so happens that it doesn’t matter now.”

Trixie’s mouth twitched into a slight smirk as he hoped that meant he had been on his way to see him. Then he remembered he was the one that was supposed to say something next and his tongue suddenly forgot how to work. Katya looked at him intently, reading his face.

“So. One hundred and sixty five texts, huh? Were you trying to get an advertising deal with AT&T?”

“You think I’m some kind of animal? Verizon, bitch.” Katya’s wheezing laugh broke the tension and Trixie found himself smiling properly for the first time in weeks. He could always count on his best friend to laugh at him as well as with him. “Listen, I… uh…”

“…You wanna know where I’ve been and why I’ve been there?”

Trixie was taken aback by how willing Katya seemed to be to have this conversation.

“I mean… yeah. But what I was actually gonna say is I know that it’s not my business. And I know I shouldn’t have been so caught up about it. I was just so scared that you weren’t okay that I went a little bit, uh… well, bat shit crazy would be a good phrase.”

Trixie could feel his cheeks warming up as he remembered some of the things he had done over the past six weeks. He’d never listened to more Johnny Cash in his life, he’d been performing to Lana Del Rey songs, he was drinking almost every day. He told everyone it was because Dan had broken up with him but only he knew that he hadn’t really cared about that at all. He knew what Dan was going to do the minute he walked into his apartment that day, and he just sat there staring at the blank television screen and playing with a hangnail. He barely even listened to what he was saying to him, the reasons he was giving. Because he knew why, they both did. He let him finish, picked up the bag his now ex-boyfriend had already packed with the stuff Trixie had left at his apartment and left without so much as even looking back. He had never felt so… relieved. Relieved that he didn’t have to carry on pretending. That he didn’t have to be the one to break it off and look like the heartless dickhead. That he didn’t have to keep closing his eyes to imagine blue ones staring back at him and blonde locks of hair twisted into his fingers in the dark heat of the night.

A cough from the blonde jolted Trixie back into his stream of consciousness. Brian was nodding in slow motion to himself, the cogs of his brain visible in their desperate efforts to think of what to say next.

“I wouldn’t say that is entirely true. I do think it is partly your business where I go, especially if I just fuck off like that. So I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But you know me, mama, I’m a creature of impulse.” Brian flipped a lighter over and over in his hand as he spoke. He shuffled on his feet restlessly before he jumped up on the side, and Trixie knew he was trying to control the anxiety that was starting to brew, as it always did when a conversation between the two turned serious. “Where do you think I went?”

“I thought you might have gone home at some point. I did a gig in Boston three weeks ago and I went to your mom’s house to see if you were there.”

“Oh yeah, Amy told me about your little visit.” Trixie looked up to find Katya smirking at her. He’s enjoying this, isn’t he?

“Oh man. Can you tell her I’m sorry? I really shouldn’t have pestered her like that, with all the emails and the texts and the -”

“- drunken phone calls?”

Fuck. “I forgot about that. For god’s sake, I’m a mess. I… I called you too, didn’t I?” Foggy recollections were now making their way back into Trixie’s mind. A bar in Tennessee, a whole bottle of bourbon, a random dirty blonde guy with blue-ish eyes taking him into a bathroom stall and then Trixie leaving as soon as he realised he couldn’t fill that void. A phone call. Shouting. Wait, he shouted at the guy on the street, right? Or was he shouting down the phone? He cried, he definitely knew that. But was it because the call never went through, or… it was hurting his head just trying to remember.

“Yeah, yeah you called me. You left a voicemail, that was interrupted by a halftime show of you fighting some random dude.”

“The guy! Yes, I remember that. What did I say? Oh god, I don’t even wanna know. If I was a cunt please don’t pay any attention, I was so wasted I would have said anything. I promise I didn’t mean anything I said.”

Katya’s smirk looked like it had been slapped off of his face in half a second.

“Was I that bad?”

Katya snapped back into the conversation and quickly plastered a smile back onto his face. “Uh… yeah, yeah you were a total asshole. It’s okay though. Too good to be true.”

“What does that mean?”

“I… nothing. I thought maybe it was a call from a drunken mind speaking a sober heart, that’s all. But it’s okay, honestly.” Katya poured himself a coffee and chugged it, the nerves showing in his shaky hands. “So, uh, how’s things with Dan?”

“He’s gone, it’s whatever. What did I say on that voicemail?”

Trixie saw Katya’s jaw muscles clench shut, and he knew that his walls were about to come rushing back up. Let me in. Please. He exhaled quickly and shot Trixie an annoyed glance.

“It doesn’t matter what you said, you just told me you didn’t mean it. And what do you mean he’s gone and it’s whatever? Is that what you came over here to talk to me about, that you’ve broken up with him like I’m supposed to be happy about that? It’s whatever? Six weeks ago you were thanking me for covering your fucking tracks so that he wouldn’t find out that you only went out with him because I told you to.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I stupidly encouraged you to go on a date with him and now look at where we are. Six months later and still both just as miserable as we were before. I tried to not see you as much, I tried to keep it on a professional level. I even invited the both of you out for dinner. You argued, he left, I came home with you. Held you in my arms and kissed you to sleep. Looked like a fucking fool the next morning when he turned up with a bunch of flowers and an apology and you were shoving me out of your bed and into the shower before you opened the door to him. I went to the other side of the fucking world to sort my head out, did yoga all day every day to block out what your collarbone felt like on my lips and instead it made me focus in on everything even more. I tuned into my inner core and it turns out you’ve managed to bury your way in there. God damn it.”

Katya jumped off of the kitchen counter he had been perched on and walked into the living room, pacing up and down. He grabbed his Rose Quartz and stroked the smooth side with his thumb. Trixie got up and slowly followed him into the living room, sitting on the couch. He was trying to read the other man’s face for a sign of what to say in response, but he was looking down at the floor and muttering to himself as he paced. Looks like you were wrong on this one, girl. A yoga retreat… other side of the world… because of you.

“So that’s why you left? Because of that night and the text I sent you after?”

“Yeah, it was because of that night. And every night before it. And every day. I can’t do this anymore, Bri.”

Trixie swallowed down a lump that had formed in his throat.

“What, you don’t wanna be friends? You don’t wanna be in my life anymore?”

Katya stopped pacing, and faced the younger man sat down in front of him. He sat down on his knees and stared Trixie straight in the eyes. “I want to be in your life, every single day of it. But I don’t want to blur the lines that you wanted to set and then spend those days watching you with someone else and then feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack every time you break up with someone. I told you to get out there for a bit but I didn’t mean get out there and go away from me. I knew the second I finished talking that day that you would go on that date and fall in love with him. I knew you didn’t want me, it was just because you were lonely and drunk and confused, that’s why I didn’t let things go too far that night. Because I knew you would regret it. But I didn’t know that telling you to go on that date would make you push so far away from me as a friend too.”

“Are you kidding? You pushed away from me!” Trixie knew that came out a lot louder than he meant it to, but the hurt that had built up over the last six weeks was slowly making its way out. The desperation he had felt, the need to see Katya and make sure he was safe had now been satisfied, so he had room for his anger to come bursting through. “You are the one that pushed away from me after that night in Palm Springs. Gave me all that bullshit about not wanting to commit to one person. Told me to go on the date with Dan. You are the one that spent two months after that trip spending time with everyone else except me. I had to see picture after picture of you with Violet, and I would spend all night thinking about you and your rotation of guys that you can fuck without all this bullshit and drama. You are the one that wouldn’t be in a room alone with me for weeks. Okay fine, I agree, I shouldn’t have invited you back to mine after the argument with Dan. And I shouldn’t have asked you to lie to him. But for the record, he split up with me. I didn’t make that call, he did. He said he couldn’t be with me any more. What the fuck did you expect from me anyway, Kat? You made it clear - you don’t want this. Not in the same way I thought I did, anyway.”

“The same way you thought you did? So you don’t feel that way any more?” Katya’s eyes were now burning holes into Trixie’s with their intensity. Something had changed in the way Katya was looking at him, and a knot formed in his stomach as a lie formed on his tongue.

“No. I don’t.”

“But you’re not with Dan any more?”

“No. I’m not.” Stop staring at me.

“And he broke up with you?”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said.”

“Why did he break up with you?”

Because I have fallen in love with you and I wasn’t even trying to hide it from him after you left. “Same as always, touring got in the way.”

“And you don’t have feelings for me.”

“That’s right. You said it. I was drunk and lonely. And you were just there.” You were there too, Trix. You felt it. You both did.

“And you told our friends that what happened at Palm Springs was just a bit of temporary fun.”

“That’s what it was, wasn’t it?”

“But you didn’t like seeing pictures of me with Violet because you thought we were having sex?”

“N-no, it wasn’t because of tha-”

“-but you don’t have feelings for me? All your outbursts and love songs and texts since I’ve been gone were normal because you don’t have feelings for me? And you said ‘I love you’ down the phone because you don’t have feelings for me?”

Fuuuuuuuck.

“You can say I love you to your friends. I say it all the time.” Trixie’s heart had fallen into his ass. He was surprised he could even form a sentence, his heart was pounding so loudly it was drowning out all thought. Three years of will they won’t they and your big Ross and Rachel moment is one you were too wasted to remember?!

Katya stared at him for a few seconds more, and quietly got up to walk over to the window ledge. He picked up his phone and without saying a word, pressed play on his voicemail. They listened in silence as Trixie’s memories came screaming back to him. Katya kept his back to Trixie as he spoke.

“Forgive me if I’m wrong, but to me that sounds like someone who sounds very confused, conflicted and unsure of their feelings. But it definitely does not sound like someone who doesn’t have any feelings for me at all.”

Trixie’s head sunk into his hands as his brain scrambled for the right words to say. All he could think of was the truth.

“I don’t know what this feeling is, but I do know that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” Katya turned around. “I thought I had lost you forever and then I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t breathe for six weeks. I’m barely breathing now. But I don’t know what that means.”

Katya exhaled for the both of them, and sat back down on the floor, his back up against the wall. “What do you want, Trix?”

“I want to go home and sleep for a whole night for the first time in almost two months now I know you’re safe and not laying in a ditch somewhere.”

“You’re the one that’s gonna be found dead under a mattress, you pig.” Katya smiled weakly at the younger man. “I’m sorry for worrying you. I really am. If it had been the other way round…”

“I know. I wasn’t done - I want to go home and sleep, and then I want you to come to my gig tomorrow. Last night of Ages 3 and Up, loads of bitches are gonna be there. It will be fun.” Katya opened his mouth to speak, but stopped himself and clamped his teeth shut again. “Just think about it. No pressure, just a friend showing his face to support another friend.”

Trixie got up from the couch and walked over to Katya, sticking out a hand to help him up from the floor. As he helped him up, Katya lost his balance and grabbed onto Trixie’s hip to stop himself from falling. He steadied himself but his hand lingered, and he stared up into Trixie’s eyes intently. Trixie kept the gaze, trying desperately to ignore his knees weakening as he lost himself in two tiny oceans before him. He reached down with the back of his hand and lightly stroked Katya’s cheekbone. The smaller man shivered underneath his touch.

“You should have let me choose now.” His hand dropped back down to his side as he turned around and walked out of the apartment, racing to the front door before Katya saw the salted tracks starting to run down his face.

*

Trixie shut the front door of his apartment and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Katya. The exhaustion of the past few weeks had finally hit him and he could barely think straight. He needed to sleep. Katya. He dragged himself into the shower and allowed the warm water to soothe his aching muscles, finally relaxing for the first time in weeks now he knew his friend was safe. Katya. He turned off the faucet and shivered at the cool air of his bedroom hitting his damp skin. His body remembered just how exhausted he was and he collapsed onto his bed, pulling the covers over him. Katya?

04/04/2017

20:09pm Katya: I’ll be there.

Trixie kissed the screen of his phone and, for the first time in a long time, allowed sleep to take him into aquamarine dreams.

[frogsandfries]

It's hot

My dad wants me to rent a camp site this week, so I think he's going to pay for me to be at the state park for a week. At least there, as long as I don't make an utter disgusting mess, no one will mind if I'm tearing stuff apart in my van.

I had a lot of back and forth with myself.

Today, my dad and I showed up at work, the place I've decided isn't hell enough to ask for another assignment; the place I've decided I want to try to get hired on and see how far up the totem pole I can climb before I move on. I had a suspicion when I didn't see any of the other temps, then the QCer confirmed my suspicion and elucidated: They don't have work for the temps till Monday. Soooo...... that's a bummer. Personally, I don't <i>need </i> a lot of money right now, but more money would help me get my shit together. Being hired on at a place, even if I only stay for six months, getting a lot of experience under my belt, could help me find another similar establishment and perhaps walk in through the front door, and if I'm lucky, I can continue my vertical ascension. Honestly I just need money, I need a job to get money, I need money to fix up my abode. I'll stay, because I can afford to be stubborn, and this scrabble for people that factories do only to give temps more days off than on is part of the test. I know that, like I realize that some of these Spanish speakers know English well and would fuck with me to test me. I can afford to be stubborn, because I'm looking at the big picture.

But I do need money to get this van in order.

I need to strip out the original interior and build new furnishings. I need more ceiling space and I need to round up everything my dad has held onto for me. I need to get it sorted out and stored or disposed of appropriately. If I move in an orderly manner, instead of letting (lack of) money and priority drive me, I realize I will be more happy with the process and more satisfied with the result. It may take more time to move logically rather than impulsively, but I believe this is best. I need to temper my patience. As such, I need to realize that there are tasks that will be unpleasant to put off, and as such, there are makeshift tasks that will need to be tended to.

For example, I desperately need to reveal the whole carpet this weekend, sweep or vacuum it (perhaps I should find my old handheld vacuum) and the carpet needs to be sprayed with freshener. Of course, after I've bombed the carpet, I'll need all the doors opened so I don't gas myself like I did last time.

I believe after that, another necessary task will be to remove the bench and the lift. I'll need to make some calls and send some emails. I suppose tomorrow would be a good time to do that. I hope removing the bench, as it's one fibrous element in this van that I can't effectively drown in Fabreeze, will remove another layer of the existing smell.

I've spent all day contemplating the temporary pop-up top that I ideated yesterday, another technique I could use in an effort to create more space a little at a time.I'm not sure how high I can legally go, and I hadn't really put much thought into how the roof would stay fixed at speed, but that could be a simple enough affair. It might be a little weird, but I think having that space in the middle right away would really help. I have trouble with the stupidest shit with the standard roof right now, like making my bed and getting dressed, navigating my living space effectively--crawling or "walking on my knees" is not effective or comfortable. Putting my hands in the filthy carpet is utterly disgusting.

I don't really know when I would put this pop-up roof thing on my agenda, but probably between my futon and getting my stuff out of my dad's way. So........ maybe I would actually, like with the rest of the process, start in the back....? Doing that would help with this urge I feel to include my ceiling in my demo/revamp....... but money....... money money money..................I don't even know how much a sheet of pink foam is going to cost. What am I going to cover the foam with? How am I supposed to attach the foam? Silicone?? That's what keeps coming to mind. Maybe I'll find my answer behind the existing plastic paneling.

Another thought I keep having is how my back doors are going to meet when they're closed. Folks tend to complain about pink foam and other hard insulation squeaking when the vehicle is moved. Plus, I keep leaning toward keeping the doors free, not building over them. Maybe not yet. So...... not wood between the insulation on the doors. Plus, my creative instinct is to cover my tracks, to conceal my hand in my work, so that if you open any door I work on, it looks clean; it looks put together, it matches the interior that it belongs to. Perhaps wood, sealed with an enamel finish. I should get a picture of this gap of paneling between these doors. It makes me a little nervous, like the doors are never closed well enough.

Then the questions come to the desk. I already know I'm rebuilding the corners, at least about the space of the window, as shelving. I need one cubby space for my five-drawer of tools and bits and bobs, and I need a second cubby for my three-drawer of pens. Beyond that, a vague inclination toward space for WIP, a space for a printer. I'm not sure how I would pull off a good computer. Perhaps I would leave off my fantasies for an all-in-one and settle for a nice tower PC. I would have curtains, good blackout curtains. Maybe there's a way I could store computer out of sight and work on my laptop with the windows open sometimes. But I think as I was originally inclined, the desk would stay available all the time. Or perhaps it could fold down. That would either make it impossible to store much under the desk, or defeat the whole purpose of having a drop down desk? Maybe I'm going about that wrong. I guess I could make an even deeper desk if it had a drop leaf. I could still keep additional storage beneath the drop leaf, like my computer, and the computer could be entirely out of sight unless I was using it. I could also create a storage space to prevent my chair from rolling and falling wherever gravity wants it. In the course of using my desk, the drop leaf would get dirty and damaged, so I'm not sure how I would feel about that.

I'm going to need to build some sort of framework for the desk..... and everything else. I'm not much for planning. I find that planning doesn't leave much room for responding to reality. Or exposes you entirely to working from what reality gives you. I'm not sure how far I'm going to get, this weekend or on whatever money I can pinch together on materials. Like, I may be stuck seeing what I can muster up with one sheet of foam and a screwdriver. I still need to get a jug of water, (I'm going to try Velcro for the curtains, and maybe later, I can repurpose it for window screens next summer) and some more clothes for work and I need groceries and I only got twenty-six out of fifty hours this week, so that's what my second check is going to look like. I'm off to a bumpy start on this new job. I had to take a sick day last week <i>and</i> I got sent home early. I'm really, seriously starting to wonder how much they actually need this help or if they asked for too much, expecting less, and they got more. Maybe they're just sort of stumbling over their own feet, trying to get things put together without enough of the right workers? It's an older establishment in a new location, expanding. They have machinery waiting for new homes, they have processing areas separated by curtains while they wait for walls. One "sanitary room" is currently open to the warehouse. But if I stick around, I'm guaranteed to hire on and there's guaranteed to be work.

But my bank account has been hurting pretty much all year and this job isn't helping me close the gap as promised. I just hope that fifty hour bonus was universal, that it didn't expire after my first week. That would ease some pain.

After much musing, it's finally beginning to cool down. What a relief.

Too bad I can't do too much till dawn. So I guess maybe I'll try to look up a couple things, then put my audio book back on and keep stitching.

I wonder if the walls will be thinner when I'm done. This paneling right now makes me think of a old lady's glasses, making her eyes look too big--the paneling looks too big when you get to looking at it. I know without a doubt, the walls will be better insulated. Right now, from what I've seen, the factory insulation is like they brushed glue on Tyne inside of the paneling and squished it in a bed of like recycled fiber. My dad had a pair of ancient, well-worn elbow pillows*, when I was really young. He tried to wash one of them at the laundromat and I learned why those pillow were so firm--the "insulation" in this van reminds me of that pillow filling.

*And this is why I will never be satisfied with those shitty, overly soft elbow pillows they sell at Wal-Mart.