#LUV A GOOD ASDA TRIP

[innuendostyles]

Your from the UK right??? Not to make u sad but imagine going to Asda with Ben at 2 in the morning (u only went for some milk) and u end up coming out with almost the entire shop in ur trolley 😂😂 Happens to the best of us

YAY

“We’re only going for milk.” He quietly mumbled as he aimed the keys at the car and pressed the lock button, hearing the sound of the mechanisms working to ensure the car wouldn’t get stolen from the car park. He held his hand out for you to take before he crossed the zebra crossings, giving a silent nod to a car that’d stopped so the two of you could pass.

It was a gentle reminder but also a jest at himself, considering the last time he’d gone to Asda this late, he’d returned home with a new DVD player for your living room, an abundance of on-sale Easter chocolate, and a DIY friendship bracelets set (it was located in the 6 years and over section, but he wouldn’t tell anyone that part.)

The bracelets aforementioned had been tied to your wrists for a month and a half now, yours was a braided black, white and yellow band while his was black, white and red. He somehow matched his outfit, black jogging bottoms, a red Nike hoodie and the best part of all…. socks with sliders. You’d claim that if he wore those out of the house, you’d pretend not to know him, but later decided that it was more endearing than embarrassing. His socks were black with red love hearts printed all over them, some you’d got him for Valentine’s Day as he claimed that “a pair of socks is the best present you could ever buy a man.”

You, on the other hand, wore a pair of black leggings, paired with an extremely worn “Rolling Stones 1979 Tour” acid wash t-shirt. Ben had insisted that you wear one of his jackets, given the fact that your local Asda always seemed to be freezing around this time, so it was topped off with a navy blue Nike Air Max windbreaker. Your fluffy bed socks really pulled the outfit together.

You each had one of Ben’s AirPods in your ear, currently listening to a song by The Lumineers, one that Ben described to you as making him feel as if he was “running down a sandy beach trying to get to you.” His pinky finger slid around your pinky finger as he strayed to the shelter where all the trolleys (shopping carts) were located.

He always pushed the trolley, claiming his driving skills were better than yours, but you knew the only reason he enjoyed pushing them so much was so he could “fly down the aisles”, an act in which he would push the cart extremely fast when there was nobody near you, and lift his feet from the ground, letting the cart take all his weight.

The song ended and changed to a Snoop Dogg song, to which you quirked an eyebrow, asking, “What fucking playlist is this?” with a laugh.

You walked through the sliding doors, Ben already getting distracted by some plants that were on clearance at the front doors, silently placing 2 small plant pots with some sort of pink flower in the middle into the cart.

There was a display as soon as you entered the shop floor, a large green cardboard cut out of the grinch, next to it sitting a handful of Christmas DVD’s, letting all the customers know that they could “Buy 1 Christmas DVD and receive a free 9” pizza”. Ben’s eyes immediately lit up, turning his head towards yours as he exclaimed that Christmas films and food are two of his favourite things ever. You shook your head in disbelief as you picked through the DVD’s, most of them being new and animated films you’d never heard of.

You were looking for one in particular, though you had little faith that it would be in the same pile as these cartoon ones. Ben loved The Nativity, one of the funniest Christmas films in the world, he reckons. He thought Martin Freeman was one of the best actors ever, and that along with Marc Wootton, it had to be the best film ever.

You rifled through the array of cases, finally picking out a white cover that read, “The Nativity!” You placed it in the cart, seeing Ben’s eyes light up as he bounced up and down in excitement, like a child.

“Can we get pepperoni on the pizza? Please!” He whined, earning a “yes” from you, to which he skipped down the aisle and giggled like a schoolboy.

You reached the fridges, Ben picking up 2 pints of milk and putting them in the trolley before giving an accomplished nod.

“Can we ‘ave a look at some vinyls?” He asked, with a pleading pout that he knew always won you over.

“Ooh, yeah actually, Gwil said he wanted the Hamilton vinyl a couple of weeks ago. Might be a good present, yeah?” You suggested, knowing it would result in Ben realising he hadn’t yet bought Christmas presents for any of his friends yet, something you’d been trying to gently remind him of for the last couple of weeks.

You made your way to the music section, getting distracted by anything and everything you could find. Ben was clinging onto a t-shirt with a green dinosaur on it, lit up by Christmas lights with a star on top of its head, the phrase “Tree-Rex” printed underneath it.

He held up the knitted fabric to you, and you both whispered, “Joe.” at the exact same time. It was folded and placed into the cart.

A pack of 250 small Christmas cards was the next thing to grab your attention, Ben telling you that the two of you “had to send the neighbours a card this year, considering the amount of times they’ve had to endure foolish giggles and the  creaky bed really late at night!” You’d simply nodded with a chuckle, though he didn’t put them in straight away. He noticed the box had been busted open at the top and went on a hunt for an unopened box. He reached his arm all the way back into the shelf, jokingly asking you to hold his hand so he didn’t get lost. He finally grabbed a pack, throwing them into the trolley from about a meter away and doing a celebratory dance when they went in.

One of the lights overhead flickered, which caused Ben to turn to you with an over-exaggerated gasp, claiming “Asda is haunted!!!!” and running away from you frantically. You guffawed at his antics, lightly jogging after him while trying to catch your breath from laughing.

After collecting your pizza on the way to the music section, Ben made a quick turn down the homeware section. He browsed the cushion cases, holding up a few colours and patterns that he thought may match your living room sofa, all of which received a horrified glare from you (this was the exact reason you didn’t let him take the lead when you decided to start decorating your flat together… his first suggestion was warm brown walls with a stripy turquoise and black sofa…)

He reached the mirror section, finding an extremely large plain mirror, with no frame, slowly running his finger over the edge of it.

“Might buy us this for Christmas.” He stated.

Your brows raised in confusion, tilting your head to tell him you were unsure why he’d said it.

“One of them naughty mirrors…… when you put it on the ceiling so I’d be able to see everything when you’re ridi-“  your hand quickly shot over his mouth, your eyes widening as you took in what he meant. You could feel his lips sporting a smirk beneath your palm. You shook your head and giggled along with him.

“C'mon babe… know you’d love seeing this juicy cheeks every time I’m on top of you…” you lightly smacked his chest and delivered a sharp, yet humorous, “enough!”.

Once you’d finally made it to the music section, Ben appeared to be in his element. He’d picked up the Hamilton vinyl for Gwilym, as well as a new Ariana Grande record for Lucy. He was eyeing up Taylor Swift’s newest release, hoping you wouldn’t notice when he slipped it into the cart. He groaned when you looked him directly in the eyes and shook your head with a knowing smile on your face.

“I was gonna give you that for Christmas! Now you’ve ruined the surprise!” He whined with a pout.

“You are all I want for Christmas.” You replied, already cringing wondering if anyone else had heard you.

He, too, shook his head, but still gave you a quick kiss on the cheek to show his appreciation for you.

The next aisle was the clearance aisle. This was a dangerous one for Ben. His Mum had always taught him “never to pass up a bargain, cause you’ll see it one day, regret not buying it, go back the next day and it’ll be gone!”.

Within 5 minutes of browsing the shelves, he’d picked up a large Christmas-themed Yankee Candle gift set for his brother, a turkey-shaped dog toy for Frankie (this one you’d suggested) as well as a pack of 3 photo frames and a new flower vase for his mum.

Walking to the checkout was always a dangerous game, as the bakery part of the shop was located right next to all the tills. He’d always claim to be “just looking” while you unloaded the trolley onto the moving belt so the cashier could scan your items, and most times he only came back with a box of flapjacks or at the most, 2 jam donuts and a reduced fat chocolate eclair cake.

What you weren’t expecting today, however, was for your boyfriend to return with a basket he’d picked up from somewhere, filled with pastries and cakes that made your mouth water.

“These’ll be alright til Christmas Eve won’t they? Can watch Nativity with our little pizza ‘n then fill ourselves wi’ these after? Yeah?” You didn’t really get a chance to reply before the food was placed down onto the belt. You’d never seen him so happy with himself, thinking he’d just come up with the best idea in the entire world, even though you’d done basically the same thing for the last 2 years of spending Christmas together.

The cashier gave you your total, a whopping £110, even though you’d originally come in for 2 pints of milk, which should’ve brought your total to around…. £3.

He shook his head with a small smile as he took his card out of his wallet, swiping it over the reader and thanking the lady when she gave him his receipt. He rolled the trolley out onto the car park, you following closely behind telling him to unlock the car so you’d be able to hear the beep it made and find it, considering how dark it was outside. After locating the vehicle, he gently placed all the items in the backseat, taking extra care to make sure the pizza was cushioned by Joe’s new shirt and Frankie’s new toy. He dropped the trolley back off at the shelter before getting into the car, strapping his seatbelt and turning the radio on.

Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” filled the speakers, causing Ben to let out a quiet, “What a fuckin’ banger!”.

You couldn’t resist the urge to lean over and give him a peck on the cheek and a ruffle of his hair. You simply were having a wonderful Christmas time.

[simpurnatural]

SFW Alphabet - Jack Manifold Edition

request: fluff alphabet with jack manifold ?

Jack Manifold x Reader

Warning ⚠️: Probably a swear word or two :)

Any writing errors? Point them out! Love some helpful feedback! <3

REQUESTS ARE OPEN LUVS <3

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Jack’s love language(s) is probably quality time and physical touch. He’s not one for PDA but he will hold and kiss your hand, kiss your cheek, and all the gentlemen type things.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He’s the chaotic friend that laughs at everything. The friendship would’ve started when you guys both in English at college. You thought he was funny and he thought that you were a dork so you guys clicked instantly.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Oh most definitely, Jack makes sure to get his daily hugs and cuddles in from anyone who is willing to give them to him.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Eventually yes, but barely being eighteen  he won’t be thinking about settling down with a family anytime soon. Lad can pour himself a pint but has probably burned water at least more than once. He’s a tidy man though, cleans after himself and makes sure to not leave any messes.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He’d stutter a bit but he’d eventually get to the point while holding your hand like:

“Listen, I don’t think this’ll work out.” 

But then he’d read your emotions wrong and start blabbering his ass off like:

“Well no- But yeah you’re a g-great person just not for me? But I assure you that there a plenty of fish in the sea! Wait- but not like actual fish that would-”

“-Jack, I get it.”

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

If and when he asks you to marry him, he knows he’s in it to win it and will be by your side till the end. He doesn’t think about getting married (in general) anytime soon since he’s still got a whole of adulting ahead of him. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Jack is a very gentle whether it’s in the way he holds you or in the way he speaks to you. He also is open to sharing how he feels about most things and is always ready to listen when you need him.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He LOVES hugs, especially if they’re from you. He turns those two second hugs into a cuddle session if there’s time for it. 

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He doesn’t say it too early in the relationship but it does come out when you both least expect it.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He doesn’t get jealous easily but he’s a sarcastic little shit that scoffs whenever you try to ask.

“Is Jack Manifold jealous because of the guy from ASDA?” you tease.

“As if,”

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

He usually kisses your cheek, hand, and or forehead the most. His kisses are always out of love and so soft. He likes being kissed on the cheek or the lips.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He's fine with kids but you know damn well that if he saw one trip over themselves then he’d be on the floor cackling. He knows how to properly hold a baby so that’s somethinf. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He’d bring you a cup of tea in the morning with some jammie dodgers and enjoy laying in bed with you hours on end. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

You guys will literally watch anything whether it’s on youtube, netflix, hulu WHATEVER while laying in bed. He’d have a arm around your waist while you lay head on his chest. 

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Jack will literally talk about anything (but not in a self-absorbed way) if you’re willing to listen. He won’t blabber his whole life story but you get to learn something new about him everyday. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s very patient and rarely almost never raises his voice. Jack is a really chill and laid back lad.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?

He usually remembers most things but not everything.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite memory is when he asked you to be his girlfriend. He was a stuttering mess but you said 

“Oh get on with it Manifold!” “Or will I have to ask you myself?”

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He knows that you can hold your own but he knows when to step in. He’d probably speak for you if he sees that you were scared or at a lose of words. He likes knowing that his bff or s/o will kick someone’s ass if they try anything.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Depending on how you guys plan them. He can rock a suit yet build a pretty neat pillow fort. His gifts are you unique but always something that you’ve mentioned before. He’s good with everyday tasks like washing the dishes and doing the laundry.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

I hate to point it out but he bites his nails a bit. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not too concerned, he’s well aware that he’s a handsome fella.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yep. He’s the type to send you random texts/pics through-out the day saying miss you or can’t wait to see you soon.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

You guys play music regularly in your flat so jack tends to ask you to dance with him every now and then.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He doesn’t like a partner who won’t put in the effort to communicate properly with him or keeps their stuff tidy and organized.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He tends to sleep on his side, holding you close to his chest.

shoutout to @the-coldest-goodbye for the template <3

[ebookwriterblog-blog]

Relationships: Final Submission – Retirement!

Episode 43: Eventually then, we all get there. The state everyone dreads creeps up slowly through our 40’s, gathers speed in our 50’s and runs over us like a speeding freight train in our 60’s. Anyone who says that the 70’s are the new 50’s has obviously never been there but retirement however, as a way of life, is not the final state of submission.

‘What is there to submit to?’ you may quite rightly ask. Well, with the kids hopefully gone, the mortgage paid and a healthy retirement fund to get stuck into, this time of life should never be regarded as any form of submission, but cause for celebration. If our Harry and our Kylie have survived together for some forty five to fifty years; dragged up a couple of kids who are now out there making their own mistakes and avoided the ‘other man’ or ‘other woman’ fifties plus trap ... then hallelujah ... the world is now their oyster.

Bear in mind of course that to have any sort of pension worth a light, Harry will have had to pay some quite large financial lumps annually into a private pension scheme throughout his working life. If Harry and Kylie did finally marry, then there is also the rather offensive joint state pension to look forward too. If they both remain unmarried, there is the laughable single person’s state pension to claim, either of which may just about cover the UK standard council tax bill ... and an annual, one-time only, pre Christmas visit to Asda’s.

However, the big decision of the day will be related to the house the long suffering couple will be living in. Harry’s Kylie will have her mind filled with the thought that the house they have so carefully managed, extended and improved over the last forty years is now ‘too big’ for just the two of them. This thoughtful consideration will have started as a seed sown and further encouraged by the children who see the possibility of a small gold mine coming their way if Mum and Dad sell up and buy an all year round live-in ‘retirement’ caravan on the East Yorkshire coast.

What they don’t know of course, is that our Harry will have a plan of his own, and it does not involve a poorly insulated aluminium box sitting on a permanently windswept concrete slab, half a mile from a coastline that is dropping into the sea at a rate of two meters a year. There will of course be restrictions on any retirement plans conjured up by all the retiring Harry’s out there and the main one will be the availability, or otherwise, of suitable amounts of cash. If our couple happen to be the kind of fortunate individuals who have lived in the East End of London and purchased a maisonette from the local council in the seventies at a massive discount, then they can think themselves lucky as in the year 2016 they could well be looking at near sterling millionaires in the mirror.

However, on the other hand, they may have been unfortunate enough to spend most of their working life in the delightful garden town of somewhere like Scunthorpe; an attractive northern location dominated by a crumbling, stinking, prize winning air polluting steel works. They may also have managed to secure a similar deal from the local council as their London based contemporary to buy your property ... and may well now be lucky to see their money back. So, whoever falls into that enviable category of a lucky Londoner, they will doubtless have at least three quarters of a million to play with when they sell their two up and two down. If, however, they fall into the Scunthorpe category, they will be lucky to see even ten per cent of that figure.

To the thinking man, it will immediately be clear that retirement options left to a couple who have survived any kind of relationship for several decades, are perhaps limited to the amount of cash that can be raised to fulfil a plan our Harry has been working on for some years. He may even have been sneaking off for Spanish, Greek or Standard Croatian lessons on the sly and become completely competent at ordering a beer and three portions of fish and chips ... in any one of these difficult to master languages.

Having a plan is one thing; having the money to successfully execute it is another. But what will eventually put the parking brake on it all? Well, it’s not too difficult to guess that if the scheme involves moving somewhere more than a twenty minute car journey from Kylie’s daughter, then the plan will need to be scrapped. She will of course want to sell the house and ‘downsize’ as she puts it, which is Kylie-speak for a house the same size, nearer to her daughter and much, much cheaper.

This impossible equation will not be satisfied mathematically until Kylie has dragged our Harry round thirty or so unsuccessful property viewings to prove the point. If grandchildren are involved, then the chances of enacting a plan involving any kind of move outside the strict radius, as laid down by the young Kylie, can only be regarded as a completely hopeless task.

At some point, the whole matter of their future together will need to be discussed. Harry will require some well honed diplomatic skills to ensure he chooses the right place and time to approach the matter in order to simply reduce the chance of immediate rejection. Perhaps a romantic dinner in a nice little restaurant down by the river might do the trick; or during a relaxing package weekend away at an ‘adults only’ hotel that sensibly bans all forms of child-life and four legged animals. For the London based couple looking to make more than half to three quarters of a million when they sell their property, the choices will be wide and the selling of an idea possibly easier. The initial conversation between Harry and Kylie may go something like this.

H: ‘So are we more or less agreed to sell the flat dearest ... and start a new life in our old age?’

(Harry smiles to make light of the matter. Kylie does not, but remains thoughtful.)

K: ‘Well, I’ve told you, I don’t want to move too far from our Kylie and the kids. I’m still sure that if we downsized, we could find something even nearer than we are now. I mean there are babysitting nights to think about and I know you don’t like staying over and everything ... and there’s the little shopping trips both our Kylie and I go on. If we move too far out then it will be difficult to get to our favourite shops and things ...’

(This is the difficult bit as no matter what happens; whatever Harry puts forward as a plan, he must not leave himself open to being accused of acting ‘selfishly’ or being labelled ‘selfish’ in any way whatsoever.)

H: ‘I really do think Luv that unless we move a really long way away ... maybe like Luton or Watford or somewhere like that, then even with the cash we have, we won’t be able to find something suitable we can afford!’

K: ‘Oh no! I couldn’t be that far away Harry ... that’s just too far, it really is ... and what about the money? If we spend a lot on another house, then there won’t be any left to give the kids ... you know, to help them out a bit’

H: ‘Well you know what I’ve been thinking ... if we are going to have to move that far out ... it will take ages, even two or three hours to get backwards and forwards to see the kids, so we might as well actually be guaranteed to be only a couple of hours away ... in a place like Spain ... for example’

K: ‘Spain? But that’s full of foreigners and we don’t speak the language or anything ... and you know how bad you are driving on the wrong side of the road dear!’

H: ‘I was only thinking of you dear, about how much better your arthritis would be in a warmer, sunnier place ... and if we work it out carefully, we could buy a place in say Spain ... or somewhere like that, and have a caravan somewhere in Essex; somewhere much nearer the kids. If we get a good deal ... there could possibly be some left over to give the kids, as a present like, just to help them out’

(The smart move by Harry is the mention of ‘something for the kids’ as he knows they will support any plan that puts some money in their back pocket. Kylie is now thoughtful as she considers the options.)

K: ‘So what you’re saying is we could afford a villa or something in Spain and a place near our Kylie and the kids ... and still have some left over?’

H: ‘Of course dear ... if we’re careful I’m sure we put some away for them’

K: ‘But it’s a long way ...’

H: ‘Well, you have to consider that to get to East London from Luton will take nearly two hours ... maybe three ... by road ... you know how bad the roads are! But if we went to Spain, it’s only the same time, maybe a couple of hours from Benidorm to Gatwick ... no driving involved, and you could be at Kylie’s in half an hour Luv!’

(Kylie is weighing up the plan. It’s not yet accepted and it’s not yet rejected. She will need to discuss it with her Kylie before she can come to a decision. Harry knows exactly what’s going on in her mind and pushes home the benefits.)

H: ‘The big thing to consider dear is that if we’re careful, we can make sure the kids are well looked after financially and we can live much cheaper on the continent. We’ll have a better life; you’ll feel better and if it’s cheaper to live, then we could maybe send some money to the kids and grandkids whenever they need it’

K: ‘Well, I don’t know what I’m going to tell the kids. I mean our Kylie will be well upset ... we’re very close you know. But if we can help them out to pay for some babysitting that we would normally have done ... if we were here, then that might be alright for them’

H: ‘It’s up to you dear. The choice is really yours and if you mention the money to Kylie, I’m sure she will be able to see the advantages. The other option is Luton and every penny we have will be needed to buy another house. We might even have some debts to consider!’

K: ‘Hmm ... shall we have another bottle of wine Luv?’

H: ‘Yes dear!’

From little acorns do oak trees grow ... and now the acorn has been broken from its shell by a satisfied Harry and planted in what is hopefully fertile ground. The plan is now firmly in place and after Kylies next visit to the young Kylie, Harry is sure the pendulum will start to swing his way.

[ebookwriterblog-blog]

Relationships: Negotiation and Talking!

Episode 37: Perhaps the alert reader may consider the subject of ‘talking’ to be rather limited and possibly make a better fit as part of a section involving ‘communication’ rather than ‘negotiation’. The subject could also be considered substantially different to that of ‘conversation’ as described earlier. However, the surprise comes when a few weeks into a relationship the all-conquering male has moved in with his female, and then the matter of ‘talking negotiation’ comes into play.

For our Harry, the first time the subject will be raised, literally ‘out of the blue’, will be when Kylie’s Mum comes round and Harry walks through the door after a hard session at work. He will not only have spent the day calming badly served and irate customers, he will also have been worrying about how he is going to pay all the bills this month for the apartment, Kylies car (needing two new tyres), two mobile phone contracts and a dinner out at a very expensive restaurant, arranged by Kylie’s Mum for Kylie’s Dad’s birthday ... now ominously only five days away.

Kylie has been at home for the past week after losing her job at the local estate agents office due to a downturn in business. She will obviously be planning to find another, to ‘help with the bills’, but Kylies Mum reckons she should ‘have a rest’ for a short while ... and not ‘rush into anything’ just yet. The poor beleaguered Harry pushes his way through the front door and in the living room sits Kylie and her Mum with Neighbours on the TV and the sound turned down enough for them both to hold a loud and animated conversation. No one looks at Harry as he shuffles in and dumps his briefcase by the side of the sofa. The exchange goes something like this:

H: ‘Good evening Luv’

K: ‘Don’t dump your briefcase down there dear. I’ve told you before. You know how bad my Mums eyesight is without her glasses ... she could easily fall over it’

H: ‘Oh ... alright then, but anyway ... good evening dear’

(He bends down to kiss his Kylie on the cheek and she moves ��her head away to make it as difficult as possible while still engaged in full, deep and meaningful conversation with her mother.)

K: ‘Can’t you see dear ... I’m talking to my Mum. Please don’t interrupt when I’m talking to my Mum!’

H: ‘I’m sorry Luv. So when do you think I will be able to talk to you? I’ve just come in from work and ...’

K: ‘I’ve told you dear ... when I’ve finished talking to my Mum ... we haven’t seen one another for ages Luv and there’s so much to catch up on’

H: ‘But darling, you saw your Mum yesterday ... and the day before and ...’

K: ‘Oh ... so we’re counting now are we?’

H: ‘No dear ... it’s not that, it’s just I’ve had a pretty rotten day and I thought I might be able to share some of it with you ... that’s all’

(A withering look passes his way from Kylies Mum. She nods her head at Kylie as some sort of secret sign to ... give it to him!)

K: ‘Well if you’re counting, we might as well find a time for you to talk to me and a time when I can talk to my Mum ... without being interrupted!’

(Kylie’s Mum nods her head and offers out a wry smile as confirmation and approval, not only of the words spoken but also the forthright and suitably sarcastic delivery. Harry is rather taken aback. Kylie has not spoken to him like this before.)

H: ‘Well, nobody told me when you moved in I would have to negotiate for any of your time dear. But, if you are so engaged with your mother right now, I’d better get off and make myself a cup of tea ... as it looks as if that’s the only way I’m going to get one tonight!’

K: ‘You are selfish you are! Do you know that? Selfish is what selfish does ... that’s what my Dad says ... and my Dad has lived a lot longer than you and knows a selfish act when he sees one!’

(An irate and slightly confused Harry shouts back from the kitchen)

H: ‘What the hell’s your damn Dad got to do with anything ... all I asked was for you to bloody well say hello when I walk through the damn door ...’

(Kylies Mum pat’s her daughters hand comfortingly as she tut, tut’s away quietly to herself in realisation that the ‘S’ word has been used ... and it’s only a few weeks into the live-in relationship.)

Kylies Mum: ‘Never mind dear ... I think I did tell you that all men are selfish, but with a bit of firmness, a certain degree of negotiation and the proper management of Sunday morning promises, you can soon knock them into shape’

Talking is of course an essential part of the harmonisation process required for two people, of any gender, to live successfully together. However, as far as the young male is concerned, sometimes the words being formed in the brain are not necessarily the words that eventually come out of the mouth when talking to a partner of the opposite sex. An active appendage will have a say in most matters and a particular say in any negotiations regarding Sunday morning recreational activities.

There are various ways to handle the process of ‘talking’. Some people have the knack of being able to confidently talk ‘to’ other people. Others, who are often less confident, talk ‘at’ people and a few simply talk ‘down’ to just about everybody.

To some, the act of talking can often be exhausting. This untreatable and sometimes debilitating condition is normally only found in males. Our Kylie, for example, will have an amazing natural ability to shake off any possible onset of talkaphobia. She will not retreat from any opportunity to show how little it actually affects her by regularly holding substantial practice marathons with other Kylies, female relations and a naturally attentive and well practised mother.

Talking for an hour or more, focused on one simple subject, such as the price of tights in Marks and Sparks compared to Liddles, is a breeze for someone trained by an active, correctly certificated Mum who once came second in the ‘Talk For England Olympics’ of 1952.

All examples of talking, as demonstrated by our Kylie, whether on the phone, on Skype or face to face outside Asda’s, have one thing in common, and for the sensitive and caring Harry, it is a giveaway. After about half an hour of non-stop talking on some nonsense subject matter or other, our Kylie will say ‘Well, I really must go now!’ ... and that’s a sign there is at least another hour to go yet. The patient, but time conscious Harry will take this as a sign to set his watch and go finish what they both came to do. He has possibly an hour or more to complete the shopping in comfort, without his choices being questioned, and can also stroll tantalisingly to the car with six bags in the trolley, passing Kylie ... who is still talking ... on the way through the car park. She will be torn between shouting at a confidently smiling Harry passing quickly by to advise him he has all the wrong brands ... and just carrying on talking. The talking wins every time and Harry will be able to claim a small victory in a shopping trip completed with minimal fuss and pressure and leaving time for a swift one down the Pub. He will obviously receive a substantial ear-banging when they both get home, ending with a seething Kylie ringing her Mum to tell her all about it ... and ask if she should take back the brands she doesn’t want? But savouring his small victory will keep a smile on Harry’s face and as soon as Kylie starts to talk to her Mum on the phone, Harry knows he will have enough time to slip off in the direction of the George and Dragon for a lunchtime session.

Accepting the fact that most people are talked ‘to, ‘at’ or ‘down to’, there is one more very important ‘talking’ style practiced more or less exclusively by women. This is the ‘talk over’ scenario, where wanting to get a particular point across, the determined female will insist on ‘talking over’ her conversational adversary and refuse to stop talking until she is ready ... no matter what the other person is trying to say. Our Kylie will be a confirmed practitioner of the ‘talking over’ or perhaps more aptly described ‘verbal bullying’ style of communication within the household, cruelly cutting off any chance of a differing viewpoint being heard. Here is an example with the point at which Kylie talks over Harry shown in italics.

K: ‘I’ve told you before ... the reason the electric bill is so high is the time you spend in the shower ... using all that hot water. It doesn’t grow on trees you know!’

H: ‘I think is more likely dear ... the ... err ... number of times the washing machine and dryer are on in a day that might have something to do with it’

K: ‘Don’t you even mention my washing machine. It’s you who creates all the dirty clothes in this house ... not me!’

H: But look dear, this kind of bill hitting the table every month is much more than we have budgeted for and ...’

K: ‘If you tell me we haven’t budgeted for electricity bills then whose fault is that? You’re the genius with a spreadsheet my love, in fact that’s how you earn a damn living ... so are you telling me you haven’t worked it all out properly?’

H: ‘Of course I’ve worked it out properly Luv, it’s just that this is such a big difference from before you moved in and ...’

K: ‘Well perhaps you need to check and see what the bill was before I moved in Luv, and then check and see what your clothes smelt like then. Perhaps if you didn’t spend so much time down the Pub dear, your brain might be working a lot better and the figures in your spreadsheet will be a bit more accurate!’

H: ‘It’s nothing to do with the Pub dear ... I only go there now and again ... when you let me ...’

K: ‘Nothing to do with the Pub? If I let you, you’d be there every bloody day and night. You are just selfish you are. Kylie at the hairdressers says she can recognise it in anyone after only a few minutes ... and when she first met you there were alarm bells ringing all over the damn place. Selfish ... that’s what you are and now you’re being selfish with the damned electricity. You wait ‘till I tell my Mum!’

H: ‘Yes dear’

Not much luck again there then!