#LISTENING TO FUNNYMAN MUSIC TO MAKE THE DISSOCIATION STOP

[euclydya]

oh well pros are i think we're just stupid I'm not that scary we're just stupid. cons are i think that jumpscare caused us to dissociate immediately

[swampgallows]

i have been in a stasis for over four months since quitting my job, and before that i was stuck even longer. I sent in for my health insurance so it’s just a matter of being contacted by those assholes to see if i can stay with my HMO despite being unemployed. if i had just been less of a coward and came forth saying “i am going to kill myself on site if i dont leave” and cited that as a reason for my departure i might have been let go or able to be on unemployment or redirected to some kind of support program but from everything i’ve read and heard i’d essentially just end up in the same spot i’m in now with a dose of added shame.

i have to just move forward. my next chapter isn’t as long as i want it to be and i feel like it isn’t moving the story forward as much as i’d like but i have to just cut my losses and move forward. i am struggling with the last of the commissions that i accepted back in april; if it isnt my body giving me trouble then it’s the computer itself or it’s my family obligations or my surroundings etc. i should be better at tuning stuff out by now but i’m not.

playing video games is becoming increasingly difficult. my computer feels too dark and too bright at the same time, and i’m having a lot of other sensory issues as well. my music will be too loud and i can’t hear it at the same time. im generally hard of hearing, like my parents, like i tend to hear background noises louder than i hear things in front of me. i’ll open a video game and it’s hard to even look at it. sometimes i am reading and i forget how. writing is okay but sometimes words stop being words and become shapes. it doesnt make sense to say i am overstimulated because i have had nothing going on and generally no obligations except to walk the dog. but i am paralyzed with shame because i know i am not being productive and any time i try to relax i just dissociate. i need a kind of “active meditation”, if it’s possible, something where i can be  in the moment and alive but also not occupied by all of the thoughts in my head. time is either screaming at me or is deleted. i would like to keep a schedule but i cant. even at my job, reinforced by other people, i couldnt. sometimes i would go into the bathroom and completely detach from everything. i found myself ‘detaching’ even on the job. i would forget where i was and what i was doing and what year it was. i would forget who i was. i wouldnt get to see my friends etc for so long that i would forget they existed, or that i existed among them. 

typical fucking pisces i guess, floating between fiction and reality, between worlds, between life and death. i’m struggling to keep grounded. 

i personally feel i am using tumblr too much but i do not have an ‘exit strategy’. i do not know what to do if i stop using it or if i become disconnected from the internet for too long. i guess i’m technically addicted, but a lot of other factors are involved, as it is with addiction. my environment is shit, my self is shit, i dont have a job to go to. but even when i did and wasnt on tumblr etc its not like i was thinking about ‘when can i get back to tumblr’. maybe im addicted to wow again, i dont know. i think about warcraft a lot. when i had quit and it wasnt in my life anymore i was also experiencing major depressive episodes but it wasnt because of wow. i had broken up w my boyfriend of 3 yrs, i had entered college, i had lost some major friends and was involved in a series of abusive relationships. my curriculum was gutted with the recession and budget cuts so i didnt get that “college experience” everyone had been crowing about since the dawn of time, and i dont think anyone has gotten it since. did not get the degree i was working for, did not get to study abroad, did not progress even close to the amount that i wanted to. 

but maybe i am an agoraphobic. i remember “hanging out” with a bunch of the animation students, eating food with them, and fucking freaking out, just itching and prickling to leave. I knew that i wanted to be “normal”, i wanted to be able to just chill, but i felt like i had to get home, like i was wasting time. but then i would get home and do nothing. i just wanted to get away. people would ask me to hang out all the time and i just wouldnt want to go. i dont know why. i dont know why i felt like i was “wasting time” or felt fearful. im comfortable with very few people and even then i dont necessarily dissociate but im allowed to just be quiet or to listen. i guess with those groups i felt like i had to come in and always be resident funnyman. i got so sick of “haha youre SOOOO FUNNYYY I LOVE YOU” like it’s no wonder so many comedians are actually just mentally ill depressives. it’s sickening to be a fucking clown for people. and i felt like that at my job too, just some novelty, a doll. my WACKY!!! coworker with her green hair and a pet snake!! bizarre!!! all of her outfits look like costumes!!!! like i know im not normal, i know how i look to people, i want to be able to just dress comfortably and align my identity with my comfort zone. if my hair could grow out of my hair green i would sign up for that. i dont dye my hair for attention. i dont think anybody does, really. it’s too much fucking work to do it for other people.

god im fuckign shivering and freaking out just typing this. i have to come back to this later.