#LET SPIDEY SAY FUCK 2024

[killlerfang1]

I know this isn't going to happen but I really want one of the Spider-Verse movies to be rated PG-13 just for the sole purpose of letting Miles say "FUCK"

[themculibrary]

Irondad Oneshots Masterlist

Links Last Checked: August 31st, 2024

A Bite-Sized Experience (ao3) - Buckets_Of_Stars T, 1k

Summary: When Tony mentioned to Peter one time that he knows how to make pasta-- not the shitty "get in a box at the store and heat up for 10 minuets" pasta-- but the real deal, Peter would not shut up about it. Honestly, it had started to drive Tony insane.

Tony's solution: Teach Peter how to make homemade spaghetti. __

(Or: IronDad and SpiderSon make some food and shenanigans result)

Away from the Sun (ao3) - xxx_cat_xxx T, 1k

Summary: Tony makes it to his knees and bends over Peter, feeling his heart thud against his ribcage at an ever-rising speed. There’s blood flowing from a gash on the kid’s temple, and he looks still, awfully still.

-or-

Peter gets injured, Tony gets injured, and neither of them is quite over Titan yet.

Don’t Judge a Knife by Its Color (ao3) - blondsak, Grace_d, whumphoarder T, 4k

Summary: “Whoa, hold up, hang on,” he says, taking a step closer to get a better look. The blade is probably four inches long and neon purple, while the handle is white with a friendly-looking colorful silicon grip. “Is that a toy knife? Is this a Fisher Price mugging?”

“Fuck you, Spidey,” the mugger replies, fumbling for the knife before scrambling back to his feet and brandishing the weapon at Peter.

Or, Peter is stabbed by a misleading knife, Tony plays a high stakes game of Operation, and May retains the one brain cell.

funhouse horror (ao3) - killerqueenwrites T, 3k

Summary: “You appear to be separated from the team.”

“Yep, most definitely.”

“You seem to be in a sealed room, Peter.” Karen draws the lines of the walls for him; the room can’t be any more than four feet by four, but the walls stretch far above his head to the ceiling.

“Sealed? I must’ve got in here somehow.”

“Yes,” Karen agrees, sounding uncharacteristically frustrated.

A mission with the Avengers doesn't quite go to plan.

He's known as jr. (ao3) - InterPlanetary_Redacted G, 4k

Summary: He turned back when the door opened, the researchers still talking, to see Tony walking in and directly towards him.

“Hey da- Mr Star- Tony. Hi Tony,” Peter tried again, brain coming to a fault as he grinned.

*** Peter's class goes on a field trip to Stark Industries, where Peter is an actual intern now, and this is, apparently, how that session goes

He's Our Goober (ao3) - battybatzgirl G, 1k

Summary: “You got shot,” the girl snaps. “You promised you wouldn’t get shot.”

Their banter is so achingly familiar, but Tony can’t quite pin down why. It reminds him of that time he was testing out new flight suits and fell off a third-floor balcony. He and Pepper had only been dating for a few months, and the two were unfamiliar with the push and pull of a relationship when one of you was a superhero.

The realization hits him like a truck.

Holy shit, Tony thinks. They’re dating.

(Or: the one where Tony meets MJ in the back of an ambulance because their boy gets a minor gunshot wound.)

It's all fun and games (ao3) - frostysunflowers T, 1k

Summary: Peter loves playing pranks on Tony.

Tony isn't so keen.

I Will Soften Every Edge (ao3) - losingmymindtonight T, 4k

Summary: After a simple brain scan, F.R.I.D.A.Y. reveals something that Tony already knew, but may not have been ready to accept. Luckily, Peter's always there to help him re-find his footing.

Let This Moment Be the First Chapter (ao3) - ephemeralstark T, 4k

Summary: Peter Parker: intern, Spider-Man, has never met Tony Stark in his life.

Tony Stark: has to do a speech at Midtown, knocks a bully down a peg or two, almost gets shot but is saved by...his intern?

Lost and Confused (ao3) - Capstar98 G, 1k

Summary: Peter doesn't know where his is, but he knows he's safe when Tony's around. (aka Peter has a concussion)

My Dad is My Hero (ao3) - velarisstars G, 1k

Summary: It's dress up as your hero day at school. So who does Peter choose to dress up as? His dad, of course!

Ft. Toddler Peter and cute pepperony moments

Open for Business (ao3) - opal_earrings T, 3k

Summary: Jake likes his night shift at the gas station in the middle of nowhere because nothing ever happens. The only reason he took the job is because nothing ever happens.

But then something actually does. A teenager comes in covered in blood and asking to use his phone, and somehow that’s not the strangest thing that's going to happen during his shift tonight.

Or: Peter using a stranger's phone to call Tony for help, from the (very confused) stranger's perspective

press zero to speak to a long lost relative (ao3) - ciaconnaa G, 2k

Summary: Morgan and Peter's rescue depends on convincing the newbie working the phones over at the Stark Industries customer service line that they're the real deal.

Thud (ao3) - Webtrinsic G, 1k

Summary: Peter had been slammed into the wall hard, and Tony was sure his heart stopped.

Who's The Kid? (ao3) - haveufoundwhaturlookingfor N/R, 2k

Summary: The Avengers arrive back at the tower after everything that's happened with the Sokovia Accords. They expect everything to be the same, but it's not. Now there's a kid living at the tower and the Avengers think he's more than just Tony's "personal assistant". Natasha and Wanda are determined to find out the truth.

[randomboo256]

No Way Home review

Now that I had time to think it over, it's time to share my thoughts on No Way Home.

Disclaimer: I watched a bootleg copy of the film. Some scenes had hard to hear audio and some had hard to see visuals. Specifically, fast movement and dark screens made the camera lose focus and blur the screen. I may have missed important elements, but I don't think I did.

Oh and spoiler alert!

Anyway, so about the film. I don’t really have an order to describe what I liked, so I’ll just list them out:

The movie is easily the best MCU Spider-Man film, but that's no shock. Everyone agrees on that, and it didn’t exactly have stiff competition.

The action was the best of the MCU Spider-Man films, although I had trouble seeing the faster movement because of the bootleg recording.

For the same reason, I can’t comment on the CG quality. I’m sure it’s fine.

Tobey and Andrew were unsurprisingly the best parts. It was cool seeing them all interact and both of them had the best lines.

I really liked the idea of Tom wanting to cure the villains and refusing to let them die. It feels very in character for Spider-Man to do that.

All of the villains were very enjoyable to watch. I think Electro was a lot better here than in TASM2. Green Goblin did steal the show somewhat, but I'm ok with that because he’s the original live action Spider-Man villain.

The Peter vs Strange scene was also great. The overall conflict between the two was pretty unexpected in a good way. I’d have liked to see more of it, since Strange basically gets written out of the movie for most of it.

I like that Tom Spidey finally grew as a character. I think he’s finally starting to feel more like a proper Spider-Man, and I’m pretty interested to see what he’ll be like in the future.

I like that he finally made his own suit, although I didn’t really get to see what it looked like.

Overall, I thought the film was enjoyable, however I do have a lot of issues. I’ll get into them in a second, but remember that I do enjoy the film. It can be easy to forget that when reading a long list of complaints. It takes a lot longer to explain issues you have rather than listing off the things you like.

If you just want the TL;DR of my three biggest issues, they are:

There’s missed potential for certain forgotten elements of the plot.

Strange’s spell made little sense and feels like it’s only acting out of plot necessity rather than some kind of established internal logic.

Film relied too heavily on pre-existing Spidey media

Still here? Well, prepare for the long explanation.

To start off simple, many aspects of the plot set up in the first act, like Peter's secret being out and people stalking him, get pretty much forgotten for most of the film. Honestly, this film feels like it should’ve focused more on Peter’s secret being out and the fact many people are rallying behind Mysterio. Like, there’s a potentially interesting narrative here that gets completely tossed aside.

Ok, now to address the elephant in the room. The premise is so extremely contrived (aka the plot does not feel natural). Strange's spell makes no sense and it only worked the way it did because they needed the plot to happen. So, Strange was going to cast a spell to make it so everyone on the planet will forget that Parker is Spider-Man. Tom Spidey pulls a Tom Spidey and refuses to shut the fuck up despite it annoying everyone, thus ruining the spell. Somehow, the spell is now pulling everyone from every other universe who knows Parker is Spider-Man. At this point, I’m just going to break out a list of reasons and questions I had while watching:

The only explanation for why the spell changed in this way is a line where they say the spell crosses a line between “known and unknown reality”. Outside of that, they basically just say “idk the multiverse is mysterious”.

Why are they pulling dead people? These films all take place the year they were released. Why would a spell cast in 2024 bring over a guy who died in 2002?

Why is Octavius a bad guy? Almost immediately after finding out Peter is Spider-Man, Otto came to his senses. The film says he gets warped like the exact moment he found out. That’s convenient for the narrative.

Ok, so let’s give the film credit and say that everyone warped the exact moment they found out. Ok so.. why does Green Goblin have his gear? Osborn found out at the Thanksgiving dinner.

If that is true, why are the two other Peters modern day Tobey and Andrew and not them when they found out, which I guess would be when they got their powers or something.

Why is Electro here? When did he find out? I can’t remember if it was explained in NWH, and even if it was it’s so stupid they had to retcon TASM2 for the film to work.

Why is it that only villains + Spider-Men came over? Why no Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy or something?

Why did a drop of Venom not get warped home at the end? Is that drop somehow not considered part of him?? (side note: that post credits scene was so much of a letdown)

I know you can point out plot holes in anything, but again these are all questions I had during the movie, although mostly during Act 1. It was distracting. Anyhow, my ultimate point is that all of these mostly unaddressed issues just make the plot feel extremely forced. Like, well we had to get the whole multiverse plot happening somehow.. so just come up with something!

If I’m being honest, I don't blame the spell itself. The core concept of the film doesn't work well logically because they're taking older movies and retroactively trying to make them work in this new plot that they were never written in mind for. This whole movie can be summed up as one huge awkward retcon to Spider-Man films that should really have been left alone.

The movie honestly relies way too hard on older media. I feel like if I didn’t watch all the Spider-Man films beforehand I would not have enjoyed this movie nearly as much. Seeing all these older characters again and interacting with one another is really fun, but can I really give that credit to No Way Home? NWH didn’t create entertaining characters. They took a bunch of already entertaining characters from older movies and had them interact. Between that and all the plot issues, it honestly makes the film feel more like fanfiction rather than an actual movie. Doubly so considering none of the characters original to MCU Spidey are enjoyable to watch. Most of them are super uninteresting.

Additionally, the plot doesn’t feel complete. We never find out what happens to Tobey, Andrew, or any of the villains. I’d say it’d at least make a good post credits scene. We also barely get to see what happens after everyone forgot who Peter is. Although I guess I probably should be used to MCU films not feeling very complete by now, huh?

As a final smaller issue, some of the film’s “humor” is pretty bad. Some jokes are just characters stalling the film with pointless awkward dialogue that adds nothing because... idk?? It legit just feels like them padding the runtime. Also Strange name drops Scooby Doo for no goddamn reason. Name dropping a popular thing isn't a joke. Admittedly these joke complaints are way more of an issue with the other films with Tom.

And that basically wraps up my thoughts. I know I complained for a while, but that was just to explain my thought process for the issues I had with the film. At the end of the day, it’s an enjoyable movie if you can ignore all the issues I presented. It’s one of the better MCU films, but certainly nowhere near the best.