#Klingons wear less prosthetics than that

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

There are 1,000 very talented character actors who look just like this, why did they have to put Colin Farrell in a fat suit and a rubber mask?

[aceofwands]

Ria hateblogs Discovery Episode 4: “CBS cares not for its fans The Butcher’s Knife Cares Not For the Lamb” (originally livelogged to @kendradaynes)

here we go. I've seen some upset comments on already - so boy am I excited to see how awful it is!

ohhhhh good, we're getting some previously from the Klingons. so. keen. to see more awful acting through prosthetics!

we begin with ... weird lightning that's pulling rock/metal together ... and pull out through clouds to a uniform being replicated

at least the effects are cool right, that's all we're here to see right

loooool a holographic mirror. obvs. I mean why use a real mirror amirite?

Tilly brought back Michael a box that's pinging at her. oh lol it's the last will and testament of Captain Georgiou.

why would you make a box that pinged until you opened it??????

oh great. it's Saru again. 

they step out onto the bridge at Red Alert?? the rest of the ship showed no sign of being at red alert. and Michael and Saru seem surprised. oh lol ofc it was just a battle sim

jfc there was a terrifying bridge crewmen with a huge bug head

UM. WHAT. PAUSED IT TO EXPRESS OUTRAGE AGAIN: Lorca is now lecturing the bridge crew, about how they have the only new propulsion drive ('Displacement Activated Spore Hub Drive' which is about the kind of dumb name I'd expect) in the fleet, and when it's up and running they can materialise anywhere in the known universe, "But we will be alone. We will not have backup. There's just us, and we get one chance." WHAT

WHAAAAAAT

WHAT KIND OF RUBBISH NONSENSE BULLSHIT IS THIS

Starfleet is NOT going to make ONE DRIVE for ONE SHIP to do ONE SNEAK ATTACK BY ITSELF. and it's not going to put this drive for this sneak attack on a SCIENCE VESSEL

it's SO fucking RIDICULOUS

you'd think the Federation has never fought any wars or been in any battles, the way this storyline is written!

LORD. had to pause again. to write a long angry sentence about how Lorca and Michael now stepped out of a turbolift into a DARK CORRIDOR which is lighting up as they walk through section by section. JUST. STOP. YOU STUPID STUPID SHOW

he's showing her his creepy weapons lab

Lorca: "I study war"

Michael: "these are some of the deadliest weapons in the galaxy" (they included katanas in a box. wtf. that’s the deadliest weapon Earth has? I don’t think so buddy) 

now he's showing her the creepy creature he picked up from the ship

"why would you keep something so dangerous on board your own ship?" GOOD QUESTION

"we need the best weapons available" ... he wants to use its properties for weapons. and wants her to do it.

THIS IS THE WORST

good it's the dumb intro that I can ignore to rant about how fucking STUPID this show is

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS. IS. NOT. STAR. TREK.

it's not even REMOTELY Star Trek

it's SO far away from everything that makes Star Trek, Star Trek

EVEN IF I accept that Starfleet does weapons research - WHICH I DO (though I don't think we need a show about it) - I do NOT believe for one second that it takes place on ONE science ship called Discovery! they'd have labs on a base somewhere. a whole TEAM of scientists and weapons experts!

oh lord. Klingons again. please no. 

just discovered Klingons can move their eyes and hands and that's about it

great I have to read dumb subtitles. the stupid white Klingon is drawing dramatic holographic art. everything on this show is about drama

OH LOL

I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE HATED NOW

the white Klingon and lady Klingon ATE CAPTAIN GEORGIOU

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YES

okay so Klingons eat the hearts of their enemies .... but pick the flesh from their skulls? since when

oh gross they're trying to develop Klingon houses. and I could just not care less. 

and it's impossible to hateblog and read all the subtitles. it's so hard to follow or care about these Klingons 

back to Michael - Landry said Lorca thinks they'd make a good team ???? how?

I reeeeeeeeeeeeally hate Landry: "let's call it ripper, it's what it looks like, what it does"

it resembles a tardigrade from Earth. it was a stowaway on the Glenn. Michael's like 'lol, nothing in its biology suggests it'll be helpful'

Michael: "It can only be what it is, not what you want it to be."

Landry: "it's amazing how much I hate Vulcan proverbs"

It’s amazing how much I hate Landry and her casual racism against Vulcans (speciesm?)

back to Lorca, receiving a holomessage from an Admiral. got a distress call from Korvan II, which produces 40% of the Federation's dilithium. and Discovery is the only ship close enough to help ... because it can use its new drive even though it's only made small jumps so far.

right, cause I really believe the Federation would leave their major source of dilithium undefended in a war (or not have closer ships ready if their defences went down)

Admiral: "You have no doubts." Lorca: "None." cut to Stamets: "there is no way in hell we'll be ready to jump that far"

Stamets is explaining they don't have the navigation ability ... the drive is based on probability? idk it sounds so dumb and nonsense 

ugh more Klingons. some dude named Kol just appeared, painted in red. oh he's the one from the first eps. saying he's now come with humility. I hate the dumb ships, they have cathedral lighting ffs!

Kol's saying they need this ship back in the war. but they're running out food and don't have dilithium processor blah blah blah who CARES 

sooooooooo boooooooring

Spore Drive is online (that's why they have black alert btw, when they're using the spore drive)

oh good, another android or robot, that makes sense for this time period

the monster down with Michael is NOT PLEASED they're activating the spore drive

oh lord, so much dramatic music and reaction shots

this drive works by them spinning and then jumping. they just jumped into the corona of an O-type star

WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE FORESEEN THIS

it's not like Stamets warned you he couldn't control it or anything

Stamets broke his nose, Doctor Culber just said 'hold still or you'll wind up looking like a Tellarite' which I'd usually take as humorous but there's so much racism on the show who can tell (I’d also usually be on board for their snarky flirty banter, but in amongst this dumpster fire, who cares!)

Lorca is still being an ass to Stamets

OHHHHH

Lorca: "the Discovery is no longer a science vessel, it's a war ship"

Stamets: "that is NOT the mission I signed on for, I’m as scientist not a soldier"

Lorca: "then get off, leave the ship"

Stamets: "if I go, I'm taking everything, my spores, my drive, everything on this ship is designed around my specialty" (what)

Lorca: "everything on this ship is the property of Starfleet, Lieutenant"blah blah blah more fighting

SOOO BAD

Lorca's playing the audio transmissions from Korvan II over the shipwide audio. to make everyone feel like shit. esp Stamets

now Landry is getting weapons, trying to sedate the creature, and cut its claw off

LOL IT IS NOT SEDATED

WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Landry is dead!!! 

Michael just emergency transported to sickbay, cause that's a thing they can do at this time

Lorca: "find a use for that creature, don't let her death be in vain". it's HER OWN FAULT SHE DIED. if she wasn't such an impatient idiot (or you hadn’t pushed her to ‘get results’). if she listened to Michael. 

OH LORD. cut to, Klingons in the wreck of the Shenzhou, wearing their DUMB EVA suits. the faceplate looks more like a Gorn/ (they're stealing the dilithium processor from it)

I just reeeeeeally don't care about any of this. it's so boring. like, the complete absence of excitement

blah blah the white Klingon and the lady Klingon are talking a lot. idk if it's supposed to be like ... flirty? ewwww I think it is. give me Martok and Sirella any day

I cannot wait for the next 20 mins to be over so I can be not watching this.

LOL we're back to Michael and Saru. and he just said she'd fit in perfectly with Captain Lorca (as an insult). this crew is perfect for each other, ALL AWFUL

Tilly has brought some spores to Michael, who's now offering them to the creature. lol it's like licking her like a dog kinda

idk Michael's just real bad at following orders. they didn't ask you to make friends with it!

what's the bet the monster lives in the spore dimension. lol, even better, it eats spores???

the other ship was using the creature to navigate. SO ETHICAL

they've beamed it into the spore forest

Stamets was supposed to be interested, almost nice for a change, but he has the same frown on his face

@kendradaynes: “this show is a car crash”

IT IS! OMG IT'S SO BORING

now we're back on the Klingon ship again

STOP. WHO CARES

HAAAAAAAA. Kol just took over the white Klingon's ship by offering them food from his own ship, and they swore loyalty. the whole Klingon story with the divided houses and whatever is SOOOOO DULL

HA. lady Klingon fell into line with Kol

back to Discovery. they've beamed the creature into the reaction cube and the tech from the Glenn is activating

...... ...... .....

I've just realised. it's Equinox.

THE PLOT IS FUCKING EQUINOX

VOYAGER DID THIS 20 YEARS AGO! except they were on the ETHICAL SIDE

how does the ship interface with the creature to navigate????

IT MAKES NO SENSE

poor creature

Lorca is like, orchestrating the viewscreen battle 

they dropped some bombs and jumped away with the drive

OMG. HYSTERICAL. LAUGHTER. just cut to some kid in her dad's arm on the surface of Korvan II: "who saved us?"

SO

FAKE

why does this REALLY IMPORTANT dilithium mine have no defence or base for its population? they’re out on the surface being killed like???

LOL the white Klingon was left on the Shenzhou. but the lady Klingon beamed over after him. of course she's ~devoted to him~because we all know that female Klingons want nothing more than to stand behind a powerful man Klingon

blah blah she's going to take him to her own house. to have the matriarchs teach him things "you never knew were possible". but he has to sacrifice, and I quote, "everything"

good

lord

you cannot make up how bad this dialogue is

Michael's back in the lab feeding the poor creature some spores. it sounds super unhappy. WHAT A SURPRISE

"hey, you feeling better?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME

this is unethical BULLSHIT

this is the exact OPPOSITE of Star Trek

oh, it's okay, Michael says she's sorry, that makes it okay

the pillows are printed with a delta with "USS DISCOVERY" on it. I can't

lord I hate Tilly. go away

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Tilly's giving this speech about how Michael shouldn't be afraid to open the will box. cause "I watched you tame the most incredible creature" (torture is not taming!) "and you're not afraid of anything"

STOP

soooo fucking dumb

this show is a train wreck

a dumpster fire

a trash heap

HA

I hope everyone's happy

Michelle Yeoh has appeared again

as a hologram telling Michael her will

handing down her most important possession, handed down through centuries of her family

sucks to be all those people who ridiculously though Georgiou would come back

lol it's her telescope

w o w. another 50 mins of my life I can't get back

oh good, more action in the next one

great. Mudd in the next episode. Lorca captured by Klingons. Michael worried about how much more they can torture the creature. I'm SO excited - ha. not. 

[alands9]

S2E26 The Jem’Hadar

I'm glad you're excited, Jake, but that science experiment is super boring.

“I bet we'll have a great time,” he said, foreshadowing disaster.

Morn!

Billboards will triple your profits? If that's true, I think you might have deeper problems.

Poor Morn.

Sisko’s civilian wear is every bit as dorky as Jake's.

Wow, Jake really sprouted like a bean pole, didn't he? The joys of actors in puberty, I guess.

It seems a little weird that Sisko was planning on going for a jaunt to the Gamma Quadrant with him is the sole adult/pilot.

Jake, I get why you're going to bat for Nog. He’s your friend. But why in the world are you going to bat for Quark?

You're going to do your planetary survey by wandering around on the ground? Not by just scanning from space? Is this just an excuse for a camping trip?

So for their first day's work they waved a tricorder at a few things? I'm not sure this is much better than measuring the roots of plants.

Fire, bad?

Lolwut? Who the heck are you?

Jem’Hadar! They're truly outrageous! Truly, truly, truly outrageous!

Your name is Eris? That has unfortunate but awesome implications.

Your entire planet had only one communication center?

Why in the world would you drop the security field and enter it? You can talk to them from other side.

“I hear the Klingons are effective warriors.” You clearly haven't been watching The Next Generation.

The pacing for this scene is atrocious. it feels less like they were interrupted by an unexpected from ship from the wormhole, and more like they were trying to read their lines without breathing.

So the Jem’Hadar have magic technology. I find that more tiresome than anything.

Ooh, a list of ships you've destroyed. You've been running around blowing up civilian ships? I'm not super impressed.

I might have opened with mentioning that you wiped out a colony. In some ways that's more impressive, or at least more terrifying.

Their magic extends to ignoring tractor beams. Of course it does. So tiresome.

I wouldn't get so smug about not having slavery, Quark, given that you functionally hold your women in that state.

I was curious about your plan, Jake, where you were going to disable the autopilot, then ask the autopilot to fly you home. I'm glad to know that the computer remembered that that doesn't work.

“Starfleet's orders are simple, traffic through the wormhole will be suspended...” Ummm, it's not Starfleet's wormhole to close. Are we just going to blow over this whole Bajoran sovereignty thing?

So again, why wasn't there a presence on the other side of the Wormhole?

So Jake and Nog’s Excellent Adventure had no particular point? They were just killing time until the adult showed up? Disappointing.

What is attack formation and what other formations are there?

You are literally at the very start of a fight, and you're giving them 10 minutes to faff about? You expect the fight to last longer than 10 minutes? What is this, the Monitor versus the Virginia?

Given how much they're having the shit kicked out of them, sticking around for 5 more minutes seems a bit over-optimistic.

Poor Quark’s actor, having to go jogging in that enormous prosthetic. I suspect it's very hot.

So the runabout beamed up the third stranger who was with them? No idea who they are or if the were friend or foe? Sigh

How exactly do you expect them to engage in evasive maneuvers if their systems are dead? Come to think of it, weren't they already engaging in evasive maneuvers? Or they just leaning back and forth for the fun of it?

So let's see, we saved four people at the cost of hundreds of people and a mind-bogglingly expensive worship. Good job everybody!

I don't know, I kind of expected more for the first appearance of the Dominion. It was a bit of a lackluster episode. It felt less like the stakes have been raised, and more like the writer was trying to impress me that the stakes have been raised.