#Kinda miss my exbestie

[lady-lycany]

The list with my most important and noticable identities that I've mentioned yesterday. I knew it would become more text so feel free to read only what interests you the most :}

Let's start with the Werewolf which is the most common here. There was a time in life, where I heavily tried to deny it but never really succeeded. But in that time, it was more the desire to howl and to be on all fours. To be free. But I dealt less with phantom limbs like ears and tail (which are now again almost always there. Especially the ears) I count my multiple fantasy worlds into this one section cuz, yea it's all wolf. Doesn't matter if it's Wolf's Rain, Wolfblood, Teenwolf or the story with Mark, that I've going on for about half a year now lol. As I got older, I noticed, that not only I definitely don't want to be in the alpha role, but also, that I was wrong with only wanting to be a wolf. That's the problem of being a werewolf. When you're too long in the role of a human, you'll eventually need a break, but so the same with only being a wolf. You'll always need both in your life, but at the same time you'll never really belong somewhere.

InuYashas Wife. Yea, it's stupid to be in love with someone fictional, I'm aware, but even tho, I still can develop crushes on other guys, my heart still somehow belongs to him. He saved my life and spent so many ears on my side, that when we went different paths, it felt like a part of my soul left me. It got so quiet in my mind (so quiet, and lonely, that I became depressed again). I still miss him and wish I wouldn't have fcked it up (which was more the fault of my ex bestie, but I realized that a bit too late). Two years ago, I fought my blockage and spoke to him for the first time again, because he came up to me with the information, that he has a daughter now. I instantly developed mother feelings for her. I still hope, that we'll get closer together in the future again, but right now it's probably for the best if we stay apart. It hurts, but I pretty much got used to it. I still can't really rewatch the anime or amv's. It's not as bad as it was a few years ago but yea. The feelings are still there and there's still a part of my soul missing that he took with him.

Then we have Invisible Vectoria (short VEC). Some people might heard of her before. She's my OC kin and a mix between Laughing-Jack and a Diclonious. Just as I miss to run on all fours and have a tail and ears, I miss my vectors pretty badly. She was the part of me, that pushed my werewolf-self aside and made me deny it. She was the one, who was my salvation and my curse at the same time. Because she was there, I could let out all the madness in my mind without actually living it out (Even tho, she wanted to do it so badly). She was the main character of my stories that I wrote, where she could do everything she wanted. Now I'm in a state, where I try to deny her again, but it's just not so simple. Violence still kinda turns me on. I don't want to feel like that but yea... Just as I never really got rid of being a werewolf in the times where I tried to, I can't get rid of her.

Then there's the Shinigami (Kuroshitsuji) part of me. The only dream job I felt like was made for me, was being a shinigami. If I had the validation that, just as in the anime, suicide would turn you into a shinigami, I wouldn't have hesitated at all. In that time I met Eric and Alan, which are still the most important beings in my life. It already hurt when Inu left me. But if these two would leave me, I wouldn't know how to stay alive. ((Grell was my best friend back then until my exbestie forced me into a relationship with him. So he was the reason, why I felt like I cheated on Inu. Stupid huh? I know. But that's how loyal I am.)) I spend many years in the Shinigami role, and I truly miss it. I'm thinking about rewatching the anime, but I know what will happen- I will have shifts of that personality for a looong while again and many many bittersweet memories will flood my mind. I can bet on that lol. Oh yea, also, for the first time, I was glad, that I had glasses myself. The werewolf side always hated them and their unnatural feeling and so, when I was a kid, my mom had to train me, to keep em on. Every evening, when I kept my glasses on for a day, I got a little toy figure. Like a dog gets a treat when he did what he was supposed to lol. I still wish, that I wouldn't need them, but the shinigami part of me was proud and happy and I could accept them for the first time.

And also the dragon(rider) from httyd. I would say I'm more of a rider but I still wonder, where my phantom wings come from, that I have from time to time lol. I had already multiple dreams of riding on the back of a dragon and also own two Skrill dragons. Well, one is more like a good friend who visits me often but still lives free. And then there's my Skrill kiddo, that hatched from an egg in my presence. She's completely pink (the underside of the wings and her chest are light pink. I already posted a pic of her here) but her eyes are more blueish. I called her Nyssa (which translates to Fairy) and she's not the best when it comes to flying. She's still very clumsy, but I think she'll get better the older she gets. Me and Dagur were best friends and he also teached me how two write in ruins. I also miss this world a lot cuz I rarely spend time there.

And last but not least we have Spirit (stallion of the cimarron). To be honest, I still don't know if he's an actual kin of mine, but I still have a strong connection to him, the movie and the soundtracks. Every song fits perfectly to me or a situation I was in. His whole life story kinda happened in my life as well. Of course not in the literal way. More theoretically. The song "get off of my back" was translated into "bleib bloß von mir weg" which means "just stay tf away from me" in german and so all lyrics could also connect to my werwolf side.

There are also still some other things like the whole thing with the fallen angel, something zombie like and the phantom wings but I still can't seem to figure them out.

All these things are still a big part of who I am, but in the last years, I always put my werewolf-self in the front and put anything else back. And I'm not able to connect them all. I mean how would I? But it annoys me, that if someone would ask me "hey I can send you into a reality that you want the most" I couldn't respond and wouldn't know which one to pic. I want the body of a werewolf, but so I want vectors. I couldn't live without Eric and Alan but also would forever miss and hate myself for not picking Inu. And watching my little dragon grow up and live a life so free on the back of a dragon, who would want to miss that? I really couldn't decide.

[awesomeheatherd]

Massive rant - sorry

Here is a story I need to tell, I haven't told it to anyone ever. But for some reason it's weighing heavily on my mind tonight.

When I was 15 years old I told my best friend in confidence that I was bisexual (little did I know she was homophobic) not even an hour later there were whispers around the whole school. The next day it was a fully formed rumour Heather is a lesbian, by the end of the week girls didn't want to be in the changing room if I was there, this went on for months. My 'best friend' wouldn't talk to me like she used to, we didn't have sleepovers anymore and I didn't spend days at her house, she was becoming difficult. I had fallings out with her over small things, then all of a sudden we weren't friends any more. It was hard because we weren't popular (though I was the kid everyone knew but didn't know why) so we shared the same group of 4 friends. She tried breaking the friendship down of our other friends so she could get a new bestie. I fell in to a depression that also included minor self harm (usually deliberately cutting my hands in science and graphics classes punching walls that sort of stuff.) I was to afraid to see someone about this so tried to bury it. I got a few new friends who excepted me which upset 'bestie' my other group of friends tried to patch things up between us but it didn't work even I got help from some teachers to meet and talk to her in a safe environment but she always sat silently ignored me. Fast forward a few months and I start getting prank calls to the house, I bring it up with the others and they said they were getting the same. A few choice words (can't remember what l) in front of 'bestie' earns me a trip to the head of years office. Apparently her mum called school to say I had been spreading rumours about her, I get told I could be excluded from my GCSEs if I didnt stop, not once were my parents involved (at least not that they said). Also What the fuck, they all knew she started rumours about me a few months before. But by this point the rumours were subsiding and people were talking to me again, yay me. My new best friend was helping me with my issues, unfortunately for me I developed a massive crush on her and after our exams I started distancing myself, even more so when she got a boyfriend ( I was a massive dick and didn't go to her wedding and no she lives in Sweden.)

Anyway I digress, there is 1 year between me and my older sister and 2 from one of my younger sisters, so naturally my young sister heard the rumours first hand but dismissed them. My older sister had dropped out of 6th form so only heard 2nd hand rumours. One night she comes home from the pub and says someone told her I was a lesbian and if its true. I panicked ask who would say such things and then told her to think who they are friends with (she tried getting me to talk to her lesbian friend who I was also crushing on big time, obvs that made me nervous so I never talked to her well that was a HUGE MISTAKE). For the next 2 years, I lost all my friends and I denied the claims about my sexuality, started majorly doubting my self isolating my self from others and trying not to form close friendships with others. When I started working 12 years ago I found that I would often mix up wanting to be like someone and wanting to be with them, especially to anyone (mostly females) who was nice to me. I developed feelings for a few colleagues so started disassociating my self from them outside work (again HUGE MISTAKE) I didnt actually say I am a lesbian out loud to until I got my first car then it was only to me. I only believed it as who I am a few months ago. To this day I have only said this out loud to 3 people all of whom where less than a year old when I said it ( my niece and nephews who are now only 7 & 3 respectively), my coworkers suspect my orientation and I don't dare think what my parents think. I too scared to tell my family, they're an accepting bunch of people always saying it doesn't matter who we like as long as we're comfortable with ourselves. But I'm not entirely comfortable and I think it's because I didnt own it in school, I also gained a lot of weight leaving school and got very self conscious about my body (I've lost weight now but still struggle with a chubby flabby belly) believing no one would love me because of it.

Anyway sorry to rant for so long, I'm sure none of this makes sense to anyone but me. And as I said it's weighing heavy on my mind tonight.

A bit weird coming from me but always be yourself, you come first, self care is the most important thing ever. I just wish someone told younger me this and maybe I wouldn't be such a screwed up 'adult' with very low self confidence.

[neobisexual]

admire horny mfs who still keep their standards high so much. you are all so brave

[dourpeep]

I just wanted to know if you had any wholesome moments with your crush~~?

I had a lot of it when i used to have crush on this dude for like… 4 years, we did badminton together because he wanted to play with me for some reason and my (ex)bestie who was playing with me that time saw him and just went “ OH well i’ve gotta go my mom’s calling me~ “ and she proceeded to give the racket to him and ran, i was panicking inside because she just left me alone with that dude.

she actually left the school after that and i had to message her when i arrived home “ WHY’D U LEAVE ALREADY U DIDNT TELL ME “

It was after school, i was just waiting for my relative who is a teacher to finish up with what she’s doing, so i had a time to play around for an hour —

so when we finally played, he kept teasing me the whole time, i was NOT good at playing badminton, so he uses that opportunity to tease me for missing JSJSJ i was embarrassed as hell but, i enjoyed our time together :DD it was really fun~

i did say i had a lot of moments with him but this was my favorite one (//∇//) i can’t still move on from it.

-🌸

Wait omggg that's cute qoq

Gotta give it to your exbestie--at that time she def was helping you out ehehe

Young love is so sweet--or well, love in general nodnod I shouldn't assume age. Though unless young love refers to love in it's early stages? Ahhh either way--

That's good that you have such a memorable moment! Our relationships, regardless of their strength, are important to our experiences. It's an extra lovely treat when they're with someone so special, though!

I think for me, a memorable moment was not tooo long ago. Though it was with a friend and not a crush if that's okay--it's sweet either way-

Or perhaps it's been longer than I remember ehe

But I spent the better part of a whole day just hanging out at my friend's house so that he could introduce me to his pets and so we can go a local shopping district/farmer's market that's within walking distance from his house.

We ended up waiting a while though, just sitting and watching tv due to rain, binging this one new series at the time and laying half on the bed and half hanging off because--hey why not?

There's always been a mutual attraction, I guess, so things tend to get a little awkward--you know, accidentally brushing hands, eye contact just a bit longer than you intend--and before we knew it, the rain stopped and we were able to head out.

It wasn't until we got to the district that we realized...it was pretty much a date hahahaha

We stopped at a cafe in the area, sat down and drank tea at a table that's just small enough that if we had our hands on it at the same time they'd be close to brushing and at one point we'd taken sips of each other's drinks (he offered his cup to me so I could try it because it was really yummy, so I offered the same).

Then we went to the bookstore just a little bit further away-

We ended up picking books for each other to read but also spent maybe a good hour and a half just sitting in one of the aisles and reading side to side.

But yeah--it was really nice! And it's still embarrassing to think that we basically decided on a date without even realizing it. I kinda hope that we get to do it again, though, because that was actually my first real date aha

///so embarrassing though OTL OTL