#Kerpuffin

[thatbadadvice]

Good Advice Interlude: How Do I Tell My Parents I'm in a Queer Relationship?

Readers sometimes send Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them. If you’d like to submit a question for a Good Advice Interlude, use the “ask” form!

A reader asks:

I'm not sure if you're still doing the 'Good Advice Interlude', but if you are, I'd like some advice. I'm queer, and I'm currently in a relationship with my partner (whom I love very much). We've been dating for a while now, but I haven't told my parents yet. My parents are both somewhat aware that I'm queer, but they haven't really acknowledged my gender/sexuality since I came out. My partner is supportive of me telling them about our relationship, but I don't know how. Any words of wisdom?

Hello, reader! Hooray for your happy and supportive relationship!

In the absence of any bright red flags that you didn't mention here — such as your parents being actively hostile to you/your identity, or to queer folks in general — rather than "somewhat aware," (perhaps also avoidant and awkward about your identity and sexuality? ask me how I know lolololol) I think you have a high likelihood of a good outcome here by just being matter-of-fact about your relationship's existence, enthusiastic about your partner, and unavailable for debates or interrogations.

Is it possible this is one of the first serious relationships you've told your family about, in addition to being one of the first relationships that you think they're going to read as queer? If so, we're probably talking about a couple shifts happening at once in your family dynamic:

Parents shifting from "aware my child is queer, mostly avoiding whatever I think that means" to "accepting my child is queer, and embracing what my child says that means."

Parents shifting from "child is fundamentally an extension of me, needs constant parenting" to "child is their own person, can do what they want" (please note that depending on your family dynamic and history, this transition can happen literally any time, not just to young adults and their parents. the bad advisor's parents did not make this transition until she was a grown-ass woman many times over.)

And you're navigating this too, right? So you might be tempted to (re?)occupy your child-role and over-explain and justify and contextualize and try to find the One Perfect Right Way to give them All The Information At Once to minimize conflict and awkwardness and maybe even minimize anticipated harm. But in the Bad Advisor's experience, justifying-and-contextualizing is usually preemptive permission-seeking behavior; you do not need permission to be queer, or to love and appreciate your partner, or to be in a relationship with them. And besides, your parents are literally unable to give you permission for this! It is not possible! They do not hold this power, and they could not do so, even if you wanted them to or they wanted to.

Bring this big no-permission-needed energy into introducing your partner and your relationship to your parents. You are going to be the person you are, and have the relationships you have (or don't!) irrespective of what they think about you or your partner or their own parenting or literally any of it. They can accept and embrace you, or they can get weird about it.

You can minimize opportunities for them to get weird, and give them a million thousand opportunities to be cool. This is more about attitude and approach, and less about literally what you say. If you're confident, self-assured, and chill about this thing, it's probably going to go fine. Imagine the best-case scenario (which might genuinely just be "I don't get interrogated about my gender, my parents retain my partner's name and pronouns from this conversation") and assume that's what you're going to get, and have some escape hatches ready if shit gets weird.

But if you're looking for scripts, I'm a big fan of saying the thing you feel awkward about in tandem with a big bright segue into talking about something else.

"Can't wait to see y'all at Grandma's birthday Zoom this weekend. Just FYI, I'm planning to bring my partner Kerpuffin to the party — we've been seeing each other for a while now and they are really excited to meet you all. I've been telling them all about Dad's epic pandemic beard."

"Y'all, I am so excited! I met somebody! I want you [get to know them/know about them]. Their name is [Kerpuffin] [plus whatever else Kerpuffin wants your parents to know] and we met [where?]. I think it would be nice if we [came over for dinner/treated y'all to an ice cream/joined together for family game night] sometime soon, what works for you?"

Alternately, if your family is anything like mine, they might actually ask you first about your relationship; this is a curse and a gift. "Yes, Auntie, I actually am seeing someone! We met [wherever/doing what] and their name is [Kerpuffin]. I actually have a picture of us [in our beginners' curling league, or whatever] — let me find it!"

Your parents will probably want to know more! That's great, as long as the conversation is a conversation or maybe even an enthusiastic ass-kissing press conference and not a debate/interrogation. There's regular shit people ask when they first hear about a loved one's new relationship (Where did you meet? What do you like to do together? Where do they work or go to school, or where are they from?). There's maybe the shit you might need to explain more than you should or than you want to — "Mom, you know that Kerpuffin and I both use they/them pronouns, please don't make me remind you again!" — which you might want to loop in some friendly family supporters to help out with, because that shit is exhausting. And then there's the weird shit people ask queer folks — I bet I don't need to list any of that out for you here — and any of the weird shit questions get polite deflections — "What a weird question, Mom! Let's not go there! Anyway, I wanted to show you this funny cross-stitch that Kerpuffin did ...." — until, if they persist, they get "Well, that's all the time we have for today, gotta go."

And remember, this is just the first part of a journey. You don't have to do everything all at once first thing to introduce and establish and solidify your relationship vis a vis your family. It doesn't have to be perfect from the get-go; you have time to teach each other and learn from each other and figure out what it means for you to be who you are in your family, who you are as a queer person, and who you are as a queer family member in or out of relationships. In all likelihood, this is going to be a process that extends through of the rest of your lives as you all grow and change together.