The Properties
A Comprehensive* Index of Films, Shows and Franchises whence our Noble and Worthy contenders hail.
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The 13th Warrior (1999) [Film]
Genre: Action, Drama
Starring: Antonio Banderas, Diane Venora, Omar Sharif
A
A Knight’s Tale (2001) [Film]
Genre: Comedy, Action, Romance
Starring: Heath Ledger, Shannyn Sossamon, Rufus Sewell, Alan Tudyk, Laura Fraser, Paul Bettany, James Purefoy
The Accursed Kings (1972-1973) [TV Series]
Genre: Political Drama
Starring: Jean Piat
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Romance
Starring: Errol Flynn, Olivia de Havilland, Basil Rathbone, Claude Rains, Patrick Knowles
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1955-1959) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Richard Greene, Alan Wheatley
Aladdin (2019) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Romance
Starring: Mena Massoud, Naomi Scott, Will Smith, Marwan Kenzari
Army of Darkness (1992) [Film]
Genre: Action, Comedy, Dark Fantasy, Horror
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Embeth Davidtz, Marcus Gilbert
Arn: The Knight Templar (2007) [Film Series]
Genre: Action, Drama
Starring: Joakim Nätterqvist, Stellan Skarsgård, Sofia Helin, Milind Soman
Arthur of the Britons (1972-1973) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Drama
Starring: Oliver Tobias, Michael Gothard, Brian Blessed
Assassin’s Creed (2016) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson
B
Baahubali (2015-2017) [Film Franchise]
Genre: Action
Starring: Prabhas, Anushka Shetty
Becket (1964) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Richard Burton, Peter O'Toole
Beowulf & Grendel (2005) [Film]
Genre: Action, Drama
Starring: Gerard Butler, Ingvar Sigurðson, Stellan Skarsgård, Tony Curran, Rory McCann, Sarah Polley
The Black Adder (1982) [Season 1 of Blackadder TV Series]
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Tim McInnerny, Brian Blessed, Robert East
Borgia (2011-2014) [TV Series]
Genre: Political, Drama
Starring: John Doman, Mark Ryder, Isolda Dychauk, Diarmuid Noyes
The Borgias (2011-2013) [TV Series]
Genre: Political, Drama
Starring: Jeremy Irons, Francois Arnaud, Holliday Grainger, David Oakes, Lotte Verbeek, Joanne Whalley, Sean Harris, Julian Bleach
Braveheart (1995) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: Mel Gibson, Sophie Marceau, Patrick McGooan
C
Cadfael (1994-1998) [TV Series]
Genre: Mystery
Starring: Derek Jacobi, Sean Pertwee
Camelot (1967) [Film]
Genre: Musical, Drama
Starring: Richard Harris, Vanessa Redgrave, Franco Nero
The Canterbury Tales (1972) [Film]
Genre: Dark Comedy, Drama
Starring: Pier Paolo Pasolini, Josephine Chaplin
Carlos, rey Emperador (2015-2016) [TV Series]
Genre: Political, Drama
Starring: Álvaro Cervantes, Bianca Suárez
The Chronicles of Narnia (2005-2010) [Film Franchise]
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Starring: William Mosely, Anna Popplewell, Skandar Keynes, Georgie Henley, Ben Barnes, Will Poulter, Liam Neeson, Tilda Swinton, James McAvoy, Peter Dinklage, Eddie Izzard, Warwick Davis, Ken Stott, Cornell John
The Court Jester (1955) [Film]
Genre: Musical, Comedy, Romance
Starring: Danny Kaye, Glynis Johns, Basil Rathbone, Angela Lansbury
Covington Cross (1992) [TV Series]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Nigel Terry, Cheri Lunghi, Jonathan Firth
D
Doctor Who: “Battlefield” (1989) [TV Serial]
Genre: Science Fiction, Action, Fantasy
Starring: Sylvester McCoy, Sophie Aldred, Jean Marsh, Christopher Bowen, Marcus Gilbert
Doctor Who: “The Robot of Sherwood (2014) [TV Episode]
Genre: Science Fiction, Action
Starring: Peter Capaldi, Jenna Louise Coleman, Tom Riley, Ben Miller
Double World (2020) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Starring: Henry Lau, Peter Ho
Dracula Untold (2014) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Starring: Luke Evans, Dominic Cooper, Sarah Gadon, Charles Dance
Dragonheart (1996) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama, Action
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Sean Connery, David Thewlis
Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Starring: Chris Pine, Michelle Rodriguez, Regé-Jean Page, Justice Smith, Sophia Lillis, Hugh Grant
E
Edward II (1991) [Film]
Genre: Drama, Romance
Starring: Steven Waddington, Andrew Tiernan, Tilda Swinton, Nigel Terry, Jerome Flynn
Ella Enchanted (2004) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Comedy
Starring: Anne Hathaway, Hugh Dancy, Cary Elwes, Vivica A. Foxx, Joanna Lumley
Eragon (2006) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Starring: Ed Speelers, Jeremy Irons, Garrett Hedlund
Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998) [Film]
Genre: Romance, Drama
Starring: Drew Barrymore, Dougray Scott
Excalibur (1981) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama, Action
Starring: Nigel Terry, Cheri Lunghi, Helen Mirren, Nicholas Clay, Nicol Williamson, Gabriel Byrne
F
First Knight (1995) [Film]
Genre: Drama, Romance
Starring: Richard Gere, Julia Ormond, Sean Connery
G
Galavant (2015-2016) [TV Show]
Genre: Musical, Fantasy, Comedy
Starring: Joshua Sasse, Timothy Omundson, Vinnie Jones, Karen David, Luke Youngblood
Game of Thrones (2011-2019) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Political, Drama, Action
Starring: Sean Bean, Lena Headey, Kit Harrington, Emilia Clarke, Maisie Williams, Sophie Turner, Peter Dinklage, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Jerome Flynn, Aiden Gillen, Rory McCann, Ian McElhinney, Iwan Rheon,
The Great Wall (2016) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Fantasy
Starring: Matt Damon, Jing Tian, Pedro Pascal, Willem Dafoe, Andy Lau
The Green Knight (2021) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Starring: Dev Patel, Alicia Vikander, Joel Edgerton, Sean Harris, Ralph Ineson
H
Hamlet (1948) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Laurence Olivier, Normal Wooland, Jean Simmons
Hamlet at Elsinore (1964) [TV Movie]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Christopher Plummer, Michael Caine, Robert Shaw, Jo Maxwell-Muller, Donald Sutherland
Henry V (1944) [Film]
Genre: Drama, Political, Action, Romance
Starring: Laurence Olivier, Renee Asherson, Esmond Knight
Henry V (1989) [Film]
Genre: Drama, Political, Action
Starring: Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Derek Jacobi, Brian Blessed, Ian Holm
Henry VIII (2003) [TV Serial]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Ray Winstone, Helena Bonham Carter, Charles Dance, Mark Strong, Assumpta Serna, David Suchet, Emilia Fox, Sean Bean
Highlander (1986) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Starring: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Clancy Brown
The Hollow Crown (2012-2016) [TV Series]
Genre: Drama, Political
Starring: Ben Whishaw, Rory Kinnear, Jeremy Irons, Tom Hiddleston, Simon Russell Beale, David Dawson, Tom Sturridge, Sophie Okonedo, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sam Troughton, Keely Hawes, Judi Dench, Phoebe Fox
House of the Dragon (2022-) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Political, Drama, Action
Starring: Matt Smith, Emma D'Arcy, Millie Alcock, Olivia Cooke, Paddy Considine, Rhys Ifans, Steve Toussaint, Wean Mitchell, Graham McTavish, Fabian Frankel
The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014) [Film Franchise
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Aiden Turner, Dean O'Gorman, James Nesbitt, Lee Pace, Evangeline Lilly L Luke Evans, Hugo Weaving, Christopher Lee, Orlando Bloom, Andy Serkis
I
I Am Dragon {On — Drakón} (2015) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Romance
Starring: Maria Poezzhaeva, Matvey Lykov
If I Were King (1938) [Film]
Genre: Adventure
Starring: Ronald Colman, Basil Rathbone, Frances Dee
Into the Woods (2014) [Film]
Genre: Musical, Fantasy
Starring: Meryl Streep, Emily Blunt, James Corden, Anna Kendrick, Chris Pine, Johnny Depp
Ivanhoe (1982) [TV Movie]
Genre: Drama, Adventure, Romance
Starring: Anthony Andrews, Olivia Hussey, Nam Neill, Lysette Anthony, Julian Glover, John Rhys Davies, Stuart Wilson
Ivanhoe (1997) [Mini Series]
Genre: Drama, Adventure, Romance
Starring: Steven Waddington, Victoria Smurfit, Ciaran Hinds, Susan Lynch, James Cosmo, Christopher Lee
J
JourneyQuest (2010) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Comedy
Starring: Christian Doyle, Emilie Rommel Shimkus, Jesse Lee Keeter
K
Kaamelott (2004-2009) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Comedy
Starring: Alexandre Astier, Thomas Cousseau, Alexis Hénon, Anne Girouard, Christian Bujeau
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Jude Law, Eric Bana, Kingsley Ben-Adir, Freddie Fox, Millie Brady
Kingdom of Heaven (2005) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, David Thewlis, Brendan Gleeson, Liam Neeson
Knights of the Teutonic Order (1960) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Grażyna Staniszewska, Urszula Modrzyńska, Mieczysław Kalenik, Stanisław Jasiukiewicz
L
Labyrinth (1986) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy
Starring: David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly
Lancelot du Lac (1974) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Starring: Luc Simon, Laura Duke Condominas, Humbert Balsan, Vladimir Antolek-Oresek, Patrick Bernhard
Ladyhawke (1985) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Romance
Starring: Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Broderick
The Last Duel (2021) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Matt Damon, Jodie Comer, Adam Driver
The Last Kingdom (2015-2022) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Political, Drama
Starring: Alexander Dreymon, David Dawson, Millie Brady, Ian Hart Mark Rowley, Arnas Fedaravicius, Ewan Mitchell
Legend (1985) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Romance
Starring: Tom Cruise, Mia Sara, Tim Curry
The Legend of the Seeker (2008-2010) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Starring: Craig Horner, Bridget Regan, Bruce Spence, Tabrett Bethell
The Lion in Winter (1968) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Peter O'Toole, Katharine Hepburn, Athony Hopkins, John Castle, Nigel Terry, Timothy Dalton
The Little Hours (2017) [Film]
Genre: Dark Comedy
Starring: Dave Franco, Alison Brie, Aubrey Plaza, Kate Micucci
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003) [Film Franchise]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure, Action
Starring: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Dominic Monaghan, Billy Boyd, Ian McKellen, Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, John Rhys Davies, Sean Bean, Liv Tyler, Hugo Weaving, Cate Blanchett, Christopher Lee, Bernard Hill, Karl Urban, Miranda Otto, Brad Dourif, Ian Holm, Andy Serkis, Craig Parker
M
Marco Polo (2014) [TV Series]
Genre: Adventure, Political
Starring: Lorenzo Richelmy, Benedict Wong, Joan Chen, Rick Yune, Remy Hii, Mahesh Jadu, Claudia Kim
The Masque of the Red Death (1964) [Film]
Genre: Horror, Fantasy, Drama
Starring: Vincent Price, Jane Asher, Hazel Court, John Westbrook
Marketa Lazarová (1967) [Film]
Genre: Drama, Adventure
Starring: Magda Vášáryová, Josef Kemr, František Velecký
Medici (2016-2019) [TV Series]
Genre: Drama, Political
Starring: Richard Madden, Annabel Scholey, Danial Sharman, Bradley James, Sarah Parish, Matteo Martari, Sean Bean, Jack Roth
Merlin (1998) [Miniseries]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama
Starring: Sam Neill, Miranda Richardson, Helena Bonham Carter, Martin Short, Jason Done, Rutger Hauer
BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama, Adventure
Starring: Colin Morgan, Bradley James, Angel Coulby, Katie McGrath, Anthony Head, Eoin Macken, Tom Hopper, Santiago Cabrera, Rupert Young, Adetomiwa Edun
Miracle Workers: The Dark Ages (2020) [TV Series]
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Karan Soni, Geraldine Viswanathan, Steve Buscemi
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) [Film]
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michel Palin,
N
Nirvana in Fire {Lángyá Bǎng} (2015) [TV Series]
Genre: Drama, Adventure
Starring: Hu Ge, Liu Tao, Wang Kai
The Northman (2022) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: Alexander Skarsgård, Nicole Kidman, Claes Bang, Anya Taylor-Joy, Gustav Lindh, Ethan Hawke, Björk. Willem Dafoe
Northmen: A Viking Saga (2014) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: Tom Hopper, Charlie Murphey, Ed Skrein
O
Outlaw King (2018) [Film]
Genre: Action, Drama
Starring: Chris Pine, Florence Pugh, Aaron Taylor Johnson, Stephen Dillane, Tony Curran
P
Padmavaat (2018) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Deepika Padukone, Shahid Kapoor, Ranveer Singh
The Physician {Der Medicus} (2013)
Genre: Drama
Starring: Tom Payne, Ben Kingsley, Stellan Skarsgård, Olivier Martinez, Emma Rigby
Pilgramige (2017) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: John Bernthal, Tom Holland, Richard Armitage
The Pied Piper of Hamelin (1957) [Film]
Genre:
Starring: Van Johnson, Claude Rains
The Pillars of the Earth (2010) [Miniseries]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Rufus Sewell, Ian McShane, Donald Sutherland, Hayley Atwell, Eddie Redmayne, David Oakes
The Prince and the Pauper (1937) [Film]
Genre: Adventure
Starring: Errol Flynn, Claude Rains
BBC’s Prince Caspian and the Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1989) [TV Serial]
Genre: Fantasy
Starring: Samuel West, Richard Dempsie, Sophie Cook, Jonathan R. Scott, Sophie Wilcox, Jean-Marc Perret, Warwick Davis
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina
The Princess Bride (1987) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Adventure
Starring: Robin Wright, Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Andre the Giant, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Peter Falk
R
Ran (1985) [Film]
Genre: Drama, Action
Starring: Nakadai Tatsuya, Terao Akira, Nezu Jinpachi, Ryu Daisuke, Harada Mieko
Rashomon (1950) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Mifune Toshiro, Mori Masayuki, Kyo Machiko, Shimura Takashi, Chiaki Minoru
Ressurection: Ertğrul {Diriliş: Ertuğrul} (2014-2019)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Political, Drama
Starring: Engin Altan Düzyatan, Kaan Taşaner, Esra Bilgiç, Cengiz Coşkun
The Rings of Power (2022-) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Drama
Starring: Morfydd Clarke, Robert Aramayo, Lloyd Owen, Maxim Baldry, Ismael Cruz Cordova, Nazanin Boniadi
Rise of Empires: Ottoman (2020-2024) [TV Series]
Genre: Docu-drama
Starring: Cem Yiğit Üzümoğlu, Daniel Nuță, Tuba Büyüküstün
Robin and Marian (1976) [Film]
Genre: Action, Romance, Drama
Starring: Sean Connery, Audrey Hepburn, Nicol Williamson, Robert Shaw, Richard Harris
Robin Hood (1922) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Romance
Starring: Douglas Fairbanks, Enid Bennett, Wallace Beery, Sam de Grasse
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) [Film]
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Cary Elwes, Richard Lewis, Roger Rees, Amy Yasbeck, Eric Allan Kramer, Dave Chapelle, Matthew Porretta, Isaac Hayes, Patrick Stewart, Dom Deluise
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Romance
Starring: Kevin Costner, Alan Rickman, Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Michael Wincott
BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-2009) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Drama
Starring: Jonas Armstrong, Lucy Griffiths, Richard Armitage, Sam Troughton, Joe Armstrong, Harry Lloyd, Anjali Jay, Gordon Kennedy, Keith Allen
Robin Hood (2010) [Film]
Genre: Action
Starring: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchette, Matthew McFayden, Oscar Isaac
Robin of Sherwood (1984) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Drama
Starring: Michael Praed, Jason Connery, Mark Ryan, Judi Trott, Robert Addie, Ray Winstone,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990) [Film]
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Starring: Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, Iain Glen, Richard Dreyfuss
S
The Seventh Seal {Det sjunde inseglet}(1957)
Genre: Fantasy, Drama
Starring: Max von Sydow, Bengt Ekerot, Bibi Andersson, Gunnar Björnstrand
Shannara Chronicles (2016) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama
Starring: Austin Butler, Poppy Drayton, Ivana Baquero, Manu Bennett
The Shamer's Daughter {Skammerens Datter} (2015) [Film]
Genre: Drama
Starring: Jakob Oftebro, Rebecca Emlile Sattrup
The Story of Minglan (2018) [TV Series]
Genre: Drama, Romance
Starring: Zhang Liying, Feng Shaofeng, Zhu Yilong, Cao Cuifen,
The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men (1952) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Richard Todd, Joan Rice, Peter Finch
The Sword of Sherwood Forest (1960) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Richard Greene, Peter Cushing, Sarah Branch
T
Thierry la Fronde (1963-1966) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Jean Claude Drouot, Celine Leger
Tristan and Isolde (2006) [Film]
Genre: Romance, Drama, Action
Starring: James Franco, Sophia Myles, Rufus Sewell
V
Valhalla Rising (2009) [Film]
Genre: Surreal, Horror, Adventure
Starring: Mads Mikkelsen
Vikings (2013) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Political
Starring: Travis Fimmel, Kathryn Winnick, George Blagden, Clive Standen, Gustaf Skarsgård, Linus Roache, Alexander Ludwig, Alex Høgh Andersen, Jordan Patrick Smith
Vikings: Valhalla (2022) [TV Series]
Genre: Action, Adventure, Political
Starring: Sam Corlett, Frida Gustavsson, Leo Suter, Bradley James
W
Warcraft (2016) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Starring: Travis Fimmel, Dominic Cooper, Toby Kebbell,
The White Queen (2013) [Miniseries]
Genre: Drama, Romance, Political
Starring: Rebecca Ferguson, Max Irons, David Oakes, Aneurin Barnard, Amanda Hale, James Frain, Faye Marsay, Elinor Tomlinson, Janet McTeer
The Wheel of Time (2022) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Starring: Rosamund Pike, Daniel Henney, Josha Stradowski, Marcus Rutherford, Donal Finn, Hammed Animashaun, Sophie Okonedo,
When the Raven Flies {Hrafninn flýgur} (1984) [Film]
Genre: Action, Adventure
Starring: Jakob Þór Einarsson, Edda Björgvinsdóttir, Helgi Skúlason, Egill Ólafsson, Flosi Ólafsson, Gotti Sigurdarson
Willow (1988) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Starring: Warwick Davis, Val Kilmer, Joanne Whalley, Jean Marsh
Willow (2022) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Adventure
Starring: Warwick Davis, Ellie Bamber, Ruby Cruz, Erin Kellyman, Tony Revolori, Amar Chadha-Patel
The Witcher {Wiedźmin} (2002) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Starring: Michał Żebrowski, Zbigniew Zamachowski, Maciej, Kozłowski, Grażyna Wolszczak
The Witcher (2019-) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Starring: Henry Cavill, Anya Chalotra, Freya Allan, Joey Batey
Wolf Hall (2015-2024) [TV Series]
Genre: Political, Drama
Starring: Mark Rylance, Damien Lewis, Claire Foy, Charity Wakefield, Thomas Brodie Sangster, Mark Gatiss, Jonathan Pryce, Mathieu Amalric, Anton Lesser
Word of Honor {Shānhé lìng} (2021) [TV Series]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama, Romance
Starring: Zhang Zhehan, Gong Jun
World Without End (2012) [Miniseries]
Genre: Drama, Political
Starring: Charlotte Riley, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Rupert Evans, Tom Weston-Jones, Tom Cullen, Tatiana Maslany, Blake Ritson, Miranda Richardson, Indira Varma
Y
Yeelen (1987) [Film]
Genre: Fantasy, Drama, Adventure
Starring: Issiaka Kane, Aoua Sangare, Niamanto Sanogo
*This is a lengthy list, if I've missed any, just notify me and I will add it.
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NFL Offseason Theme Songs For All 32 Teams
The NFL offseason is not really an offseason at all. While February through August is slower than when NFL games are played during the fall and winter months, the NFL never sleeps. The NFL churns out storylines year-round, and the offseason is an incubator for the wildest narratives because all of it is based upon hope and projection rather than results.
To recap, I assigned a theme song to each NFL team to accentuate the need-to-know offseason happenings so far.
Arizona Cardinals
Kendrick Lamar Feat. Rihanna — “LOYALTY.”
Once upon a time, in 2019, the Arizona Cardinals then-head coach Kliff Kingsbury said, “Josh is our guy,” and, thankfully, the irony is preserved in this tweet. He was speaking of Arizona’s 2018 first-round pick Josh Rosen. By April 2019, the Cardinals used the No. 1 overall pick to draft his replacement, Kyler Murray. Rosen was traded to Miami, and that was that.
The Cardinals found themselves in eerily familiar territory this offseason. Again, they publicly declared their commitment to Murray, but questions remained because they had the No. 4 overall pick, and this quarterback-heavy class presented the opportunity to reset the quarterback contract clock. But Arizona’s promise wasn’t empty this time, and they bolstered their loyalty to Murray by using the No. 4 overall pick on Marvin “Maserati Marv” Harrison Jr., who should immediately help to optimize the flashes Murray has shown up to this point.
Atlanta Falcons
Usher — “You Make Me Wanna…”
Unlike the Cardinals, the Atlanta Falcons remained loyal to Kirk Cousins for approximately 45 days before Michael Penix Jr. made them wanna start a new relationship with him. Atlanta signed Cousins — a 35-year-old rehabbing a torn Achilles — to a four-year, $180 million contract with $100 million guaranteed. All evidence pointed toward Atlanta settling down with Cousins and using the No. 8 overall pick to get an immediate impact player to help the team maximize this Cousins window. But while Cousins was parading around to Atlanta United FC and Braves games, the Falcons were flying across the country to Washington to get to know Penix. Head coach Raheem Morris and general manager Terry Fontenot insist that Cousins “is our quarterback,” but using the No. 8 overall pick on Penix as Cousins’ successor left an unsuspecting Cousins reportedly “a bit stunned.”
Baltimore Ravens
Dionne Warwick — “Déjà Vu”
The Baltimore Ravens ace every offseason. In 2023, it was extending two-time MVP quarterback Lamar Jackson when it seemed their relationship was irrevocable. This spring, despite losing 15 players in free agency (and defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald to the Seahawks), Baltimore remained true to who they’ve always been — signing Derrick Henry, retaining Justin Madubuike, and drafting cornerback Nate Wiggins. But every season, the Baltimore Ravens come up short. Last season was the closest the Ravens have come to returning to the Super Bowl since winning Super Bowl XLVII to cap the 2012 season, but their league-best 13-4 run came to a sputtering end with an uninspired performance against the Chiefs in the AFC Championship Game. How long will this cycle continue?
Buffalo Bills
Ryan Gosling — “I’m Just Ken”
The Buffalo Bills have an alien at quarterback, and it doesn’t matter. Josh Allen is No. 2 to Patrick Mahomes. The Bills threw everything at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what they do because they are No. 2 — or closer to third or fourth, if the Bengals and Ravens have a say — to the Chiefs. At any other time, perhaps the Bills would be a ten. But the past three years, Buffalo’s season ended in the Divisional Round, twice to the Chiefs. This offseason was the Bills’ reckoning. The first iteration of the Allen-led, Super Bowl-contending Bills perished, as Stefon Diggs was shipped out to Houston, and other core players like Tre’Davious White, Jordan Poyer, and Micah Hyde left. The Bills will be viable as long as Allen is under center, but the Bills’ short-term Super Bowl chances took a hit in 2024.
Carolina Panthers
Paramore — “Ain’t It Fun”
This time last year, Bryce Young was presumably riding the euphoria of having just been drafted as a Heisman-winning quarterback prospect out of Alabama after Carolina moved heaven and earth to trade into the No. 1 overall spot. Hope, however faint, surrounded a new Panthers regime. Then, head coach Frank Reich was fired 11 games into a heinous 2-15 campaign in 2023. This offseason, Young is firmly acclimated to the realities of the NFL, where quarterbacks have approximately five minutes to prove worthy before teams give up on them, especially a franchise owned by David Tepper. The Panthers attempted to support Young by adding wide receiver Diontae Johnson and offensive guard Robert Hunt in free agency, and then drafting wide receiver Xavier Legette (No. 32 overall) and running back Jonathan Brooks (No. 46). But the weight of the world remains on Young’s shoulders.
Chicago Bears
Prince — “Controversy”
Ahead of last week’s NFL Draft, sportswriter Dave Fleming appeared on Pablo Torre Finds Out and said, “I will tell you, he scares the sh*t out of a lot of NFL teams, too. The book on him is he’s just kind of a weird kid. One GM told me it’s like if Prince played quarterback.” The anonymous GM probably intended for that to be an insult, but it is unequivocally the coolest compliment imaginable.
Like Prince, Williams challenges stale convention. His uninhibited self-expression makes people uncomfortable. His personality is perceived as controversial. Before the Bears shipped Justin Fields to Pittsburgh, there was controversy within Chicago’s fandom as to whether the Bears should keep Fields or start over with Williams. Predictably, the Bears drafted Williams No. 1 overall, and Williams is set up for success — surrounded by talented skill players like D.J. Moore, Keenan Allen, Rome Odunze, D’Andre Swift, and Cole Kmet. The Bears have done everything right this offseason — really, the past two offseasons. But people will manufacture controversies around Williams, even when he surely becomes the first quarterback in Bears history to throw for 4,000 yards and 30 touchdowns.
Cincinnati Bengals
Kid Cudi — “Sky Might Fall”
The sky is threatening to fall in Cincinnati. Wide receiver Tee Higgins reportedly demanded a trade but will likely play 2024 on the franchise tag. Defensive end Trey Hendrickson also reportedly demanded a trade. The Bengals traded running back Joe Mixon to Houston and lost defensive tackle D.J. Reader to Detroit in free agency. Such is life after signing star quarterback Joe Burrow to a five-year, $275 million and preparing to make Ja’Marr Chase a top-paid receiver. The first phase of the Burrow-led Bengals is over, but if the sky is falling, nobody told Burrow, who said during a live New Heights event that the Bengals are “built to beat” the Chiefs.
Cleveland Browns
Olivia Rodrigo — “get him back!”
Publicly, the Browns will likely gush about how excited they are to get quarterback Deshaun Watson back after his season-ending shoulder surgery in 2023. Privately, I’m willing to bet there’s a group text full of Browns-adjacent people wishing they could plot revenge against everyone involved in 1) trading for and 2) shelling out a fully guaranteed five-year, $230 million contract to an embattled Watson in 2022. Watson’s time in Cleveland has been defined by an 11-game suspension, injuries, and putrid quarterback play. Watson is holding back an otherwise solid Browns roster, and the Browns can’t get him back for it until 2026.
Dallas Cowboys
The Weekend, Playboi Carti, and Madonna — “Popular”
Jerry Jones desperately wants to be popular. If presented with the choice between winning next year’s Super Bowl or securing eternal popularity, I’m convinced Jones, in his most honest moment, would choose the latter. Jones swore the Cowboys would be “all-in” with their approach to this offseason, but they have objectively been anything but. Dallas made six moves in free agency. Dallas does not appear close to extending quarterback Dak Prescott, pass-rusher Micah Parsons, or wide receiver CeeDee Lamb — setting Prescott up to be an unrestricted (in every sense of the word) free agent next year. But why handle any football business when Jones and, by extension, the Cowboys are in the relevancy business? For Jones, any offseason in which the media is regularly discussing the Cowboys is a successful offseason.
Denver Broncos
Alexander 23 — “Crash”
The Denver Broncos dumped Russell Wilson. And they didn’t just dump him. They decided it was worth $85 million in dead money just to get him to go away. In 2023, first-year Broncos head coach Sean Payton marginally improved Wilson’s performance. Payton developed a reputation as a quarterback guru as the head coach with the New Orleans Saints, and Wilson used to be a great quarterback before inexplicably becoming unrecognizable in the pocket. As Alexander 23 sings, “Apart we’re great, but together we suck / I’m sorry for the way it ended, but ending it, baby, not so much / ‘Cause me and you weren’t built to last / We were two fast cars on our way to crash.” And so, Bo Nix is set to be the 14th Broncos starting quarterback since Peyton Manning’s 2016 retirement.
Detroit Lions
Eminem — “Lose Yourself”
The Lions are in Eminem’s second verse of “Lose Yourself”: “This world is mine for the taking, make me king / As we move toward a new world order.” The lowly Lions are dead after winning their first playoff game in 32 years and narrowly missing a Super Bowl LVIII appearance. A well-earned target is affixed to the Lions’ back, and they aren’t going anywhere. They extended general manager Brad Holmes and head coach Dan Campbell, and they continued bolstering the roster, including an extension for Amon-Ra St. Brown. Detroit football fans are losing themselves in this long-awaited culmination, breaking the all-time attendance record at the 2024 NFL Draft.
Green Bay Packers
Lil Wayne — “Let The Beat Build”
One day, the terms of the Packers’ deal with the devil will be disclosed. It is the only explanation for 30 consecutive years of great (or solid, at least) quarterback play in Green Bay — Brett Favre funneling directly into Aaron Rodgers, funneling directly into Jordan Love. As Lil Wayne rapped, “They diminish, I replenish.” Green Bay epitomizes steady construction — letting the beat build, if you will — and the 2023 season was a microcosm of that identity.
In his first full season as a starter, Love, 25, started out shaky but slowly came into his own and showed as much promise as anyone while leading the Packers to a surprising playoff run. With an average age of 25.7 years, the Packers are the NFL’s youngest team and ahead of schedule yet right on time. Green Bay additionally prioritized youth this offseason by releasing running back Aaron Jones, 29, and in favor of signing Josh Jacobs, 26, as well as 24-year-old safety Xavier McKinney, in free agency. All-Pro offensive tackle David Bakhtiari, 32, was also released, and the Packers used the 25th overall pick on offensive lineman Jordan Morgan.
Houston Texans
SZA — “Snooze”
The Texans can’t snooze and miss this moment while emerging worldly quarterback C.J. Stroud is relatively cheap on his rookie contract. And they know it. Houston traded for Pro Bowl running back Joe Mixon and All-Pro receiver Stefon Diggs, and then bolstered the defense by signing Danielle Hunter and Denico Autry in free agency. After impressive rookie campaigns from Stroud and head coach DeMeco Ryans, Houston is positioned as a potent threat in the AFC.
Indianapolis Colts
Nine Days — “Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)”
This song is about one girl, but it applies to the Colts when divvied up between owner Jim Irsay and second-year quarterback Anthony Richardson. Irsay is a boisterous figure who seems to always be the subject of a headline that could have been generated by MadLibs. Presumably, Irsay’s presence places a strain on the franchise. It’s probably really stressful for general manager Chris Ballard or head coach Shane Steichen, but one smile from Richardson after an absurdly athletic touchdown, and everything feels better. The Colts’ 2024 and beyond depends on Richardson’s rehab from season-ending shoulder surgery, but you have to absolutely love the potential of this young core.
Jacksonville Jaguars
21 Savage — “a lot”
Credit where credit is due, Jacksonville was aggressive in response to fumbling away the AFC South and missing the playoffs entirely last season. The Jags signed the likes of defensive tackle Arik Armstead, wide receiver Gabe Davis, and center Mitch Morse in free agency, and then they extended Pro Bowl pass-rusher Josh Allen before drafting LSU receiver Brian Thomas Jr. at No. 23 overall. But…
How much money did the Jags spend in free agency? A lot. How many question marks remain in Jacksonville? A lot. How many people are doubting 2021 No. 1 overall pick Trevor Lawrence as a paradigm-shifting quarterback of the future? A lot.
Kansas City Chiefs
Taylor Swift — “Look What You Made Me Do”
Taylor Swift’s historically prolific discography is more or less exclusively licensed to the Chiefs due to her ongoing romance with Travis Kelce, so it would be negligent not to use it.
The league let the Chiefs become the first back-to-back Super Bowl champions in two decades despite rostering an oft-ridiculed wide receiver corps in a “down year.” (Or, quarterback Patrick Mahomes and a nasty defense snatched it, depending on your perspective.) The Chiefs had to go on the road during the playoffs for the first time in Mahomes’ career, and they internalized every ounce of doubt — real or perceived — and plowed to their third Super Bowl in five years (“I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time / Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time”). Had the Chiefs not won Super Bowl LVIII, perhaps they let Chris Jones walk in free agency, but because an unprecedented three-peat and football immortality is now on the table, the Chiefs uncharacteristically made Jones the highest-paid defensive tackle with a five-year extension. And as if Kelce wasn’t already living the most charmed life imaginable, the Chiefs went ahead and made him the highest-paid tight end.
Las Vegas Raiders
Charli XCX — “Von Dutch”
In the week leading up to Super Bowl LVIII, Raiders star pass-rusher Maxx Crosby told Colin Cowherd that he was actually pulling for his in-division rival Chiefs to become the back-to-back champions because, even though he “hate[s] all the teams equally,” he wants the Raiders “to be the ones that take ’em down.” The following week, newly hired head coach Antonio Pierce joined Crosby’s podcast, The Rush, and repeatedly proclaimed his “hatred” for the Chiefs. Pierce shared his plan to institute “Patrick Mahomes rules” — a callback to the Detroit Pistons’ “Jordan Rules” — “as long as I’m here.” I imagine Mahomes and the Chiefs hearing all of this, hitting play on “Von Dutch,” and knowingly nodding along as Charli XCX sings, “It’s okay to just admit that you’re jealous of me / Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that’s the word on the street / You’re obsessin’, just confess it, put your hands up / It’s obvious, I’m your No. 1.”
Los Angeles Chargers
Tyler The Creator Feat. Playboi Carti & Charlie Wilson — “EARFQUAKE”
Tyler The Creator’s “EARFQUAKE” is about being “for real this time” because he “cannot fall short” again. It’s probably not far off from Justin Herbert’s inner monologue. Herbert has been put in positions to fail since he became their starter in 2020 — four head coaches, four offensive coordinators — but the Chargers hiring Jim Harbaugh is supposed to be different. For the past three-ish years, L.A. has been an offseason and preseason darling, but Harbaugh legitimizes Herbert and the Chargers as being for real this time.
Los Angeles Rams
Chris Brown — “Say Goodbye”
The Rams were never going to be ready for Aaron Donald, widely regarded as the most decorated defensive tackle ever, to say goodbye. But the day came on March 15 when Donald announced his retirement. The Rams will attempt to fill their Donald-sized hole with their first- and second-round picks Jared Verse and Braden Fiske.
Miami Dolphins
Dua Lipa — “Houdini”
To be fair, this song also suits the Cowboys, given the ambiguous contract situations with Dak Prescott, CeeDee Lamb, and Micah Parsons, but as is always the case when discussing the Cowboys, I couldn’t overlook Jerry Jones’ ego. Anyway, Miami is in a similar hell. This offseason, Miami felt the financial ramifications of spending big after acquiring Tyreek Hill in March 2022 to try and win within Tua Tagovailoa’s rookie contract window. Christian Wilkins, Robert Hunt, and Xavien Howard are among the starters they lost. Honestly, as a recovering commitment phobe, the Dolphins trigger me. Do you want to commit to Tua, or do you want to let him go? Are you going to live up to the hype before Hill’s contract expires, or are you going to continue to reinvent underachieving?
Minnesota Vikings
Beyoncé Feat. Miley Cyrus — “II Most Wanted”
At February’s NFL Combine, head coach Kevin O’Connell expressed there was a mutual interest in Cousins remaining the Vikings quarterback. But then, Cousins left for Atlanta in free agency, and the Vikings acquired an additional first-round draft pick — intending to trade up and get their future franchise quarterback. Cousins was grandfathered in as O’Connell’s quarterback when he took over as head coach in 2022, and it has been written all over O’Connell’s face how delighted he is to hand-pick his own ride-or-die (“Been a while since I haven’t tried to pull away / But it’s time for somethin’ new”). That is 21-year-old now-former Michigan quarterback J.J. McCarthy, whom Minnesota drafted at No. 10 overall. In Minnesota’s most idyllic projection, McCarthy and O’Connell (and Justin Jefferson) will ride together ’til the day they retire.
New England Patriots
Reneé Rapp — “I Hate Boston”
The end of a dynasty is always ugly. If reports are true, Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been doing the most to make Bill Belichick hate New England after they “mutually agreed” to end Belichick’s 24-year tenure as head coach. First, the Apple TV+ docuseries The Dynasty portrayed Kraft in a much more positive light than Belichick. Then, ESPN’s Don Van Natta Jr., Seth Wickersham, and Jeremy Fowler reported that Kraft actively dissuaded the Falcons from hiring Belichick as their next head coach. (Atlanta went with Raheem Morris, and Belichick did not get an NFL coaching job for 2024.) If that weren’t enough, Patriots safety Jabrill Peppers shared that Belichick-themed signs seem to have been removed from the team’s facility by the new regime led by rookie head coach Jerod Mayo. If the Patriots struggle as much as is projected in the coming years, Mayo and No. 3 overall pick Drake Maye might hate Boston, too.
New Orleans Saints
Destiny’s Child — “Bills, Bills, Bills”
The New Orleans Saints always owe someone money. No NFL team more frequently has chronically due bills because the Saints are constantly borrowing from the future and ignoring the concept of a salary cap. As such, the Saints remain in cap hell while hurtling toward oblivion.
New York Giants
Post Malone — “Circles”
The Giants are in a self-inflicted loop with quarterback Daniel Jones. Last March, they made the baffling and indefensible decision to give Jones a wholly unnecessary four-year, $160 million ($92 million guaranteed) contract. Jones only played six games last season for the dismal Giants, but the Giants can’t move on from him because of that contract. General manager Joe Schoen has expressed pretty lukewarm faith in Jones moving forward, but NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport reported that New York “made one last-ditch effort” to trade into the Patriots’ No. 3 overall pick in an effort to select Jones’ replacement.
New York Jets
Daniel Caesar — “Pain Is Inevitable”
Jets fans know that pain is inevitable. Jets fans know their beloved football team has needed “a lesson in mishap prevention” for the better part of 50 years. Aaron Rodgers was supposed to be the savior last offseason, but he lasted four snaps before rupturing his Achilles and missing the entire season. Forty-year-old Rodgers will return for 2024 — conspiracy theories, distracting rhetoric, and vice presidential rumors in tow — but the Jets’ solution to fix an older, injury-prone roster was to sign older, injury-prone free agents, such as wide receiver Mike Williams and offensive tackle Tyron Smith. The Jets had a surprisingly prudent draft, but it won’t matter. Because the Jets are the Jets, and Rodgers is preoccupied.
Philadelphia Eagles
The Kid Laroi — “What Just Happened”
The Philadelphia Eagles suffered a confounding unraveling to end the 2023 season, losing five of six to finish the regular season only to get embarrassed 32-9 by Tampa Bay in the Wild Card Round. All-Pro center Jason Kelce and All-Pro defensive tackle Fletcher Cox retired. Philadelphia began triage by choosing to forgo flirting with Bill Belichick and retaining Nick Sirianni as head coach. Sirianni hired new coordinators (Kellen Moore, Vic Fangio), and general manager Howie Roseman demonstrated his annual wizardry with big-time signings, such as running back Saquon Barkley, safety C.J. Gardner-Johnson, wide receiver DeVonta Smith, and wide receiver A.J. Brown. Then, Philly’s draft was targeted to address the defensive secondary, their most glaring weakness last season. It’s been a lot to process, and I don’t know if the Eagles crossed the line because I don’t even know what just happened.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Billie Eilish — “What Was I Made For?”
Russell Wilson is a shell of his Super Bowl-winning self. Wilson left the Seattle Seahawks for Denver in 2022 and proceeded to play himself out of the Hall Of Fame. He used to float, now he just falls down. Signing a one-year deal with Pittsburgh is probably Wilson’s final chance at resurrecting what’s left of his ability, and he will share the quarterback room with former Bears No. 1 pick Justin Fields, who is also trying to redirect his NFL trajectory. And looming over them will be the Steelers’ overarching identity crisis.
San Francisco 49ers
Justin Bieber — “At Least For Now”
At least for now, the 49ers are still Super Bowl favorites, despite losing to the Chiefs in the Super Bowl twice in the past five years. At least for now, head coach Kyle Shanahan gets the benefit of the doubt. At least for now, the 49ers don’t have to allocate substantial long-term money to “Mr. Irrelevant”-turned-MVP candidate Brock Purdy. At least for now, Deebo Samuel and Brandon Aiyuk are still in San Francisco, and the 49ers can avoid the disappointment of having to make tough decisions about their aging and expensive core in 2025. The only thing that could alleviate that disappointment would be absolving the persistent disappointment of not having won a Super Bowl in 30 years.
Seattle Seahawks
Tori Kelly Feat. Jon Bellion — “Young Gun”
This song goes out to Pete Carroll. At 72 years old, Carroll was the oldest head coach in the NFL. In January, he told the press that he planned to continue coaching the team. Shortly thereafter, Seattle swapped him out for “a young gun from another town,” the Ravens’ 36-year-old defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald, who is now the NFL’s youngest head coach. In a meager attempt to soften the blow, Seattle kept Carroll around as “an advisor.”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Migos Feat. Drake — “Walk It Talk It”
Tampa committed to 2018 No. 1 overall pick-turned-journeyman Baker Mayfield with a three-year, $100 million contract. Mayfield was known as a talker before arriving in Tampa last year, but he revived his career (and recaptured his swagger) through mature leadership. Meanwhile, nobody would have blamed superstar wide receiver Mike Evans if he wanted to explore free agency and sign with a team primed to contend for a Super Bowl, but he proved his commitment to spend his entire career with the Bucs by re-signing on a two-year deal. The Bucs have expertly maneuvered these bridge years post-Tom Brady — remaining in the mix rather than totally bottoming out.
Tennessee Titans
Kacey Musgraves — “Slow Burn”
Titans fans are going to need patience. Yes, Tennessee made free-agency splashes with L’Jarius Sneed, Calvin Ridley, and Tony Pollard, but first-year head coach Brian Callahan will need time to build out his program in the wake of Mike Vrabel. The Titans have been in “slow burn” territory regarding quarterback for quite awhile. Heading into 2024, it’s far from guaranteed that Will Levis is the guy at quarterback.
Washington Commanders
Liz Phair — “Why Can’t I?”
Washington took 20-plus prospects on a group date to Topgolf, but, as NFL reporter Tom Pelissero relayed on The Rich Eisen Show, “One of those four quarterbacks who visited for the Topgolf trip got picked up by [head coach] Dan Quinn, and the other ones took a shuttle bus to the hotel.” I enjoy envisioning an awkward group date during which reigning Heisman-winning LSU quarterback Jaden Daniels and Commanders brass locked eyes intermittently with an unspoken anticipation for their inevitable partnership, beginning with the No. 2 pick in the 2024 NFL Draft. Washington has butterflies for Daniels, who symbolizes the dawn of a hopeful future after finally breaking free from a toxic 24-year relationship with former owner Dan Snyder.
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