#Kaboose moments

[late-to-the-party-81]

Congrats on the milestone 🎇

How about a little bit of lifeguard!Ari and enemies to lovers? Maybe he saves you and loses his shit at the thought of losing you!

Shallow(s)

AN: Thank you, Zoey my love! Here’s some angst and fluff with our bearded beach daddy.

Beta’d by @flordeamatista, dividers by @firefly-graphics, moodboard and banner by me

Main Master list | Challenge Master list

Summary: You hate working with Ari, mainly because you have a crush on him and he barely notices your existence, too busy flirting with all the pretty, skinny young things.

Relationship: Beach Lifeguard Ari x Beach Lifeguard Reader

Word Count: 2k

CW: Reader is mid-sized and muscular (no other descriptors), Miscommunication, Immature behaviour, Peril  and angst (reader almost drowns), Fluff, First kiss.

A loud, deep belly laugh sounded across the open sand, making you instinctively look over to where it was coming from. You weren’t sure what else you expected other than the sight that greeted you.

Ari stood there, a beaming smile on his face as several sand bunny’s literally hung off him with a tighter grip than their skimpy bikinis had on their bodies.

Ugh. 

You rolled your eyes. There was no doubting that your shift partner was good at his job, but why did he have to be so obviously shallow? He was always chatting to the skinny and beautiful, and it made you painfully aware that you were neither. Admittedly you couldn’t ever be classed as fat, but you were… sturdy. You worked out a lot and were muscular, which was handy in your job as a lifeguard. You had strength and stamina, and could easily bench press one of Ari’s fan-club. 

However, you were mainly cross that you cared. You’d never admit out loud, cos you barely admitted it to yourself, that despite how much he annoyed you, you had a tsunami-sized crush on Ari. It was probably because he was one of the few men that made you feel small and delicate.

But he didn’t treat you like one of those girls. In fact he barely spoke to you, and when he did it was in the most derisive tone, almost like it was beneath him to even acknowledge you, let alone converse with you. You both cursed and rejoiced when you were rota’d on with him.

He had a variety of nicknames for you, none of them you enjoyed being referred to; Jungle Gym, Kaboose, Anne of Cleaves, Unit. Each one obviously picked to point out how unfeminine you were. 

 Well, fuck him. 

You were good at your job, and you worked hard to maintain your fitness. You'd just have to try to ignore him.

Another day, another shift with Ari. He was sitting up on the lifeguard chair, while you patrolled the sand, chatting to beach patrons and keeping an eye on those you recognised as perennially light-fingered.

Suddenly, a shout rang out, and you turned to look out toward the water. You could see the thrashing of a pair of arms in the surf, and before you could think on it any further you were running out towards the waves. 

You dove in, your float trailing behind you as you made your way out towards the person in trouble. As you got closer you saw that it was a very large man, much larger than you, and you were very glad for your strength training. When you came alongside him, you started your rehearsed patter.

“Just keep calm sir. Just relax and let me take you to shore.” You tried to place your float in his arms, before looping your arms under his armpits and started to swim back towards the beach. 

However, he was either caught in his terror or not listening, or both, because he continued to thrash about, causing you to sink under the waves a few times and come up spluttering.

Just then, he was pulled away. You panicked for a second, worried that you’d accidentally swum into the riptide, but then realised that Ari had arrived to back you up. You were happy to hand over your charge, although you knew that later Ari would probably rib you for it and make comments about you couldn’t manage.

Treading water for a few moments, you coughed up the rest of the sea water and took a few deep lungfuls of air. Setting off, you quickly caught up with Ari and his charge, but the big man was still fighting the rescue.

It all happened so fast. One moment you were swimming and the next one of the guy’s feet flailed out and struck you in the face. The sea span in front of you and then it all went black.

“Don’t you die on me, Kaboose. Come on! Breath damn it.”

You could feel pain in your chest and then a pressure on your face and in your lungs…

You rolled over, vomiting up water, following it up with a hacking cough. Your eyes watered and your nose stung from the salt and the bile.

“Alright, everyone. Back up, back up. Give us space.”

Ari’s voice made your ears ring and you tried to get everything straight in your mind. A warm hand settled on your back, gently rubbing up and down.

“Take it easy. You’re gonna be okay. Just take some deep breaths for me.”

Later you’d blame the disorientation, but you pushed him away.

“Get your fuck-boi paws off me, Levinson.” You tried to stand, but you didn’t even get to your knees before a wave of dizziness hit you.

“Sit down before you fall down, Kaboose. You should really go to the hospital; you weren’t breathing there for a few minutes.”

You ground your teeth. “I’m fine. And stop calling me that! I get that I’m not the smallest or most dainty of women, but you don’t have to keep reminding me in such an unkind way.”

This time you were determined to get your feet, and although you wobbled a bit you managed it. And despite the fact that you were wet through, and probably had seaweed in your hair, you put your shoulders back and raised your chin.

“Now, I’m going home. Thank you for saving me. I’ll see you next shift.”

It was only as you walked away you realised that Ari had given you the kiss of life.

 Fuck. 

The only time his lips would be on for you and not only was it the most unromantic thing ever, you couldn’t even remember it.

Mid-evening and you were lying on your sofa. You’d had a bath when you got in, then gotten changed into your comfiest sweats and hoodie, ready to spend the rest of the day becoming one with your couch. You were in a foul mood, your chest aching and bruised from where Ari had given you CPR so you ended up putting on some horror films so you could laugh at how rubbish all the teenagers were for falling for all the blatant traps. You probably should have gone to the ER.

When there was a knock at your door, you groaned out loud. Who the hell was disturbing you at this time, unannounced? You looked through your peephole and groaned again when you saw who it was.

Ari.

“Go away!”

He leaned forward as if to look at you from his side of the fish-eye lens.

“Need to check if you’re okay. Open the door. Please.”

“I’m upright and I’m talking. There. I’m okay.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I bet you haven’t eaten yet, and I brought pizza. And cheesy garlic bread. C’mon!”

Your brain really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but your stomach had other ideas and rumbled loudly, reminding you that you hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

“Fine.” You undid the complicated series of locks on your door before opening it and gesturing for him to come in. The smell of hot cheese, tomato sauce and garlic filled the space and your stomach rumbled again.

“So it is your stomach that decided to allow me in.” He grinned at you, and although you’d seen him smile before, it had never, ever been aimed in your direction. It was like being hit by a tonne of bricks. His eyes sparkled, cute crinkles forming either side of them. With his free hand he pushed back the hair that had fallen in his face, drawing attention to the shaggy mane. Thoughts of running your own fingers through that hair flashed through your brain, and you quickly tried to shake it away.

“Come on through.” You turned your back and walked towards your living room to take back up residence on your couch. You thought that Ari would sit in the opposing arm chair, but were taken aback when he scootched your feet out of the way and sat down next to you.

“What are we watching?” Your brain was malfunctioning, you were sure. Ari passed you the takeout boxes as he shrugged out of his coat and you couldn’t stop your eyes from being drawn to where the soft fabric of his t-shirt clung to his ridiculous biceps. This was getting out of hand.

“Ari. Why are you here?”

He opened the top box and pulled out a slice. He took a bite and you watched the cheese stretch between his mouth and the rest of the slice.

“To check on you. I said that.”

“I call bullshit.” You pulled out your own slice. “You don’t even like me. Why do you even care?”

It took you a moment to realise that Ari had frozen, slice halfway to his mouth and a stricken look on his face.

“What?” Your voice was muffled around your mouthful of pizza.

Ari put his half eaten slice down in the box, took yours from you, and then moved the cardboard containers to your coffee table. You looked on in confusion, a confusion that got even more pronounced when Ari took your hands in his. And damn the man, his enormous paws had you feeling dainty, and caused a flutter in your chest.

 He had never touched you like this. 

Ever.

“I need to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ever made you feel less than the magnificent woman that you are. If you were ever hurt by the things I said. You’re so different from the other women that I know. You made me question things about myself and that kind of introspection was uncomfortable and I took it out on you. I resented you for making me feel things. Strong things. Unknown things.”

Your thoughts raced. Was he really saying this?

“Are you telling me that you were being all ‘schoolyard’ on me? Pulling my pigtails because you liked me? Totally mature, Ari.”

He hung his head and dropped your hands.

“I apologise again. And I’ll keep on apologising until you accept it. Even if it takes forever. Because you deserve better than the shitty way I’ve been treating you. You are strong and beautiful and kind, and so totally out of my league…”

The most unladylike snort came out of your mouth, interrupting him.

“Me? Outta your league? Hold up - it’s you that’s outta mine. Ari. You’re so hot it actually hurts to look at you. Do you know how long you’ve pissed me off, just by being handsome?”

At your outburst his lips started to twitch.

“Who’s immature now?”

“At least I didn’t take it out on you.”

He inclined his head in your direction, causing his hair to waft slightly, the light in the room turning it golden in places.

“Good point. But are you basically saying that you like me, after I said that I like you? But both of us thought we weren’t good enough for each other, so we’ve just been increasingly antagonistic?” His smile grew wider, his expression laced with something that could be hope. You returned his smile with a small giggle.

“Seems like it.”

His expression turned serious then and he shuffled closer to you, practically dragging you onto his lap and taking back hold of your hands again.

“You scared me today. I thought I’d lost you. You were so still and you weren’t breathing…” His eyes started to glisten and you pulled one of your hands free to cup his bearded cheek.

“Hey. You saved me. You saved me, Ari.”

Your hand travelled up to tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear, and you marvelled at the shifting colours within it; brown, auburn and gold.

“And you’re a warrior. A warrior queen. My Boudicca.”

You didn’t know which one of you moved -maybe it was both of you - but his lips were on yours and this time you were going to ensure you committed it all to memory. The slightly chapped texture of his lips, despite all of the lip balm he applied while on duty, the soft scratch of his beard on your skin and the warmth of his hand as he cradled the back of your head. Unfortunately there was also a painful ache in your chest as you pressed up against him, and you lurched back with a gasp.

“Oww!”

Ari looked at you with soft concern.

“Now will you agree to go to the hospital?”

You nodded, although you hated to admit he was right.

“Let’s go, Boudicca. The sooner you’re fixed up, the sooner I can kiss you again.” He scooped you up easily in his broad arms and you rested your head against his chest as he strode toward the door.

“Sounds good to me.”

Tag list: @christywantspizza @jobean12-blog @tuiccim @yarnforbrains @sidepartskinnyjeans @bodeckersdiamonddoll @krissy25 @goldylions @luxeavenger @wheezy-stucky @doasyoudesireandlive @chemtrails-club @seitmai @marvelstarker-mha98 @talia-rumlow

[kaboose-moments]

Things are a little rough right now. But that's okay, doesn't mean they're terrible. So wipe your tears girl, take your breather and drink some water. Tomorrow you can go back to giving everything/everyone your all.

[shushmal]

Ao3 Link in Replies

Stiles hits it, the Jeep rocking from the impact, screaming, “Is that the fucking mothman?!”

It’s not, going by the lack of man appendages and tight ass. (Really, have you not seen the cake on mothman’s kaboose? It would put to shame even this most delicious of booties, even Dere—)

Derek slides into the passenger seat, hissing, “Drive, idiot,” just as the not-mothman takes to the air all slithery like. Flying things shouldn’t slither. Stiles feels adamant about this as he puts the Jeep into gear and sprays gravel as he peels away. Monsters need to keep to their genres, no overlap. You can have wings, or you can be slithery, you can’t have both.

Not-mothman apparently said a big Fuck You to that rule however, when it slams into the top of the Jeep, the tentacles sliding through the open windows and ripping the roof from over their heads. And Stiles hasn’t really stopped screaming since he hit the gas to run the thing over, but he decides to kick it up a notch as his roof rack disappears onto the side of the road.

And Derek, like the absolute caveman he is, reaches up and rips the fucking head off of not-mothman.

There’s a spray of goop, and Stiles only barely has the wherewithal to close his mouth since he’s still screaming.

“I hate you,” he wails, when his impromptu gore shower is complete and his interior is ruined. Again. “I hate you so, so much.”

Glowering, Derek just sits back down and buckles his seatbelt. Behind them, not-mothman twitches and withers on the back bench, and Stiles internally weeps for his poor baby, used and abused by every werewolf she’s come across.

“I’ll pay for it,” Derek says over the whistling wind. “Just drive faster.”

“I’m supposed to be working on my thesis, Derek,” Stiles whines. “In my apartment. My cozy, safe, non-not-mothman-gore-encrusted apartment.”

Stiles can feel when Derek begins to sulk. “Well, sor-ry, I didn’t realize it was such an inconvenience to come and visit with your pack,” he hisses, crossing his arms and pointedly looking away.

“Oh my god, you’re such a baby!” Stiles crows, grinning now. “You could also be in my nice warm apartment. So could the entire pack! In San Diego!!”

Derek’s lip curls and Stiles snickers.

“We could have gone to Sea World.”

“I don’t want to go to a park that abuses killer whales.”

“Fine, La Jolla then. You like surfing.”

“That’s way too crowded.”

“Oh, c’mon baby,” Stiles coos. He reaches across the center console to wriggle his fingers into the tight press between Derek’s arm and his side. Derek doesn’t budge, still pouting, and Stiles loves when he pouts. “You’re just mad because I had to save your pretty ass. Again.”

“What were you even doing out here?” Derek grumbles.

Stiles holds up his phone without looking at Derek as he finally pulls back out on the highway. The glow of his screen is the only light they have besides the red darkness of the low moon, ocher orange where it hangs just above the trees. Derek glances at and scowls more, seeing the little dot tracking his phone make it’s steady pace up the highway they’re currently cruising down. “Literally on my way to save your sorry ass. What were you doing out here?”

Derek grumbles something that Stiles can’t hear over the wind and tires.

But he does relax his arms, and lets Stiles pull his hand over until their fingers are intertwined between them.

“What was that? I can’t hear you over the collateral damage that is my fucking car!”

“I was coming out to meet you, jackass!”

Stiles glares at him. “You mean you were coming out to scare the shit out of me by standing in the middle of the road in the middle of the night, fuck you!”

Now Derek is smirking. “Woulda been worth it.”

“And, what? You found mothman instead?”

“It wasn’t mothman.”

“You saying it’s not mothman implies that there IS a mothman, which is horrifying.”

Derek says nothing for a long moment.

“Is there a mothman??” Stiles hisses. They hit the Beacon County limits, but there’s still only miles of forest on either side of the road. Beacon Hills is still a thirty minute drive.

“There’s no such thing as mothman,” Derek says with confidence.

“Which means there’s a high possibility there IS a mothman, and probably it will visit us at Christmas and will break all your window,” Stiles sighs. “I can’t believe you would speak that into existence, you know what your luck is like.”

Derek bares his teeth at him, but is otherwise silent. That’s how they stay all the way into town, through, and out the other side, back into the woods. The Hale House—new and whole after exactly five years of construction because Derek did every bit of it himself with only the pack for help because he’s actually insane—greets them with lit windows, warm and yellow and inviting.

Stiles misses it immediately when Derek lets go of his hand.

“Are you going to leave not-mothman’s corpse to rot in my back seat all night?”

Derek smirks at him over Stiles’s new topless Jeep. What would have taken him an hour to achieve, not-mothman managed in five seconds. “Something will come drag it off, I’m sure.”

Stiles rounds the front of the car, meeting Derek half way. “I would rather only one beast at a time in my Jeep, thank you very much.”

Derek’s hands drop to Stiles’s waist immediately as they step into each other’s space, pulling him in until they’re pressed flush to each other’s front. He doesn’t waste a breath before he dips down and kisses Stiles, tilting his head as he goes, smiling against Stiles’s lips when Stiles gasps into his mouth.

They stay there for a long time, tasting each other, slow and unhurried, until Derek pulls back just enough to rest his forehead against Stile’s hair line.

“I missed you,” he admits. His eyes are closed, and his smile curves his lips in the sweetest angle. Something secret, for Stiles only.

“I missed you, too,” Stiles murmurs, and leans back in for another kiss, another stretch of time where it’s just the two of them saying hello again after a long time apart. He grins. “But also we’re both disgusting, and I feel gross, and I want to take a shower in your giant bathroom, preferably with you if you’re feeling amiable enough.”

“I thought you wanted me to get rid of the not-mothman.”

Stiles glances at the giant dent in the front of the Jeep and winces. But… If Stiles is going to choose between clean up and clean up (the naked, fun kind of clean up), he’s definitely going to go for the latter. Especially after a ten hour drive and eight red bulls. Seriously, he should have flown home and then he wouldn’t have a dead body in his car.

“Shut up,” Stiles grumps. “I want to be naked in like the next thirty seconds if you think you can manage it.”

Derek bends down and throws Stiles over his shoulder, snickering when Stiles squawks and kicks his feet. “I think I can manage that,” he says, and refuses to acknowledge the squeak he makes when Stiles pinches his ass.

[madwritersclub-blog]

Hillbilly VooDoo

Designers right with a desire to write

Pitch black sunshine in a weeping twilight

Fist to sky with a mighty fright

Loaded cubes of light flights of frieght

Kaboose of the trains sway drowned in booze stumbling into the end of the day

Afraid to say nay to a sip of the nights cap

Fearful of shames metaphorical laps of judgment pouring from the spout of taps in the moment

Slipping sips down the slickness into slugging a glugfull

Shots to the brain doused in whiskeys hot shot to the liver

Drinking to find the Devine vines of whisper

Fist the moon and cheers to life’s giver

[sillyroxas]

Favorite series

Video games - Final Fantasy XV / Final Fantasy Versus XIII

“ I did my waiting.. 10 years of it.. In Azkaban!”  -Sillyroxas / Kaboose when his preorder for Final Fantasy XV was late

Final Fantasy XV.. The most anticipated game of my life. The wait started back in 2006 when Final Fantasy Versus XIII was announced and it’s first trailer was released at E3. From the first glance I fell in love with the game and looked forward to it’s release. It seemed a lot more darker, serious and it had a great setting mixing up fantasy and modern elements. The more trailers we got the more hype became to surface with intriguing story of Noctis Lucis Caelum and Stella Nox Fleuret. Two lovers on opposite sides of a war or with a promise of a romance that could never be as the two draw weapons on each other during one of the trailers. I was hooked.

But the game kept us waiting and there was times when we didn’t hear a word about it for years and rumors of the game being canceled came around.. It all was put to rest with the news of Final Fantasy Versus XIII changing it’s title to Final Fantasy XV. Now ten years later we finally have the game in our hands but was it worth the wait?

To me the answer is simple: Yes. It was worth the wait.

The game we got was a lot different than we expected or had hoped for and it had it’s flaws. The story clearly shows it was meant to be split on several games as Versus XIII was supposed to have sequels to finish the story instead of trying to tell it in a single game. Story delivered it’s main points but leaves lot to be hoped for but it still carries you through it no matter how stumbling ride it could be. It would br living in a denial to say otherwise.

Story still gives you sense of wonder, intrigue and sadness at times to give you an adventure to go through. It’s a good story even if not as filling as some have hoped for or told in the best way possible. Personally I loved the story even with it’s flaws but I can see if some of you might dislike it. Where the story did fall a bit flat, knowing the fact it was impossible to tell it in a single game as it was squeezed and cut in for this one, Final Fantasy XV shines with other aspects.

The gameplay is superb and entertaining. Fighting is grand, fast and unique compared to other games. Environments are stunning and at times even breathtaking. There was moments where my jaw dropped on the floor in awe because of what was happening on the screen. The bond between the four main characters was touching and really felt real to me. Just having this game made me cry from nostalgia as I have waited for it almost half of my life.

It’s a miracle that this game saw the day of light after being stuck in a development cycle from hell for 10 years and it delivered a great game even with it’s flaws in story which in truth was to be expected.

To me Final Fantasy XV will always be one of the greatest, and flawed, games I have ever played. It also stands as a flawed presentation of what Versus XIII could have been...

What makes it one of my favorite video games?

The world and environment

Our four main characters and their friendship

Gameplay

Made me cry

The wait is finally over

For your enjoyment: All Final Fantasy XV / Versus XIII trailers at 2014

[kaboose-moments]

In this last week I've noticed a lot of things. I've noticed that overall through other people's actions and ability to address issues and choices that a lot of people are not proactive. Most them are reactive and even worst.... A lot of those people are late to be reactive. They aren't prompt to address things that affect other people because they have their own agenda. Well, I'm not like that. And granted that is not something I want so close to me as a person because I end up getting burned in the end. Or better yet I have to take over and make adjustments super last minute. That's too much pressure on me.

The second thing I've noticed is that besides the lack of being proactive... that through other people's negligence- I've always turned that inward and blamed myself for not being good enough. Not being pretty enough. Not enough to be a higher priority. But fuck that. Through other peoples negligence... and the loneliness I endure- I've found my self worth. I've become grounded and clear of my beliefs. My values and its getting to the point where I'm happier not having those people around as often- if not at all. I'm not sorry about that.

I'm disappointed. I'm sad and most of all I'm hurt.

[kaboose-moments]

Shiiiittt..... I'm blurring out your name more and more.

This fucking sucks

[kaboose-moments]

So every now and again- some of you may know- I do a life check up. I look at myself, my life, where I've been and where I am going and most importantly where I am. Last one was about..... 4 years ago.

The last two years have been probably the hardest years in my life thus far. I've probably learned the biggest lesson, and that is that people get the better of themselves. I got greedy in the wrong ways emotionally. I pushed past my personal limits on things that ended up breaking me. So now I understand boundaries and the importance of protecting yourself, your friends, and others from those that have the capability to do harm. Including myself. I've had to fess up to a lot and take responsibility where it is needed. Noted where it is needed. Another huge lesson I learned is holding others accountable as well. I can't let myself be trampled over for other peoples sucesses. You get burned in the end.

For a long time I was not okay. I wasn't emotionally stable and probably the most depressed I ever was. Everything I touched had no meaning to me. Friends? superficial. I cared when it came to those who were close but I didnt care about myself. I didn't feel heard and I was running up against a story that made me sound impossible and crazy to work with. I became an empty void. Untrusting of everyone, had nobody- and even those that fought to get close were kept at arms length. Cosplay and sewing had no meaning to me. Videogames- eh. Everyday was lived going to work, to pay for things that were needed but to be completely honest- all i wanted was to die. I've never felt like that. And I never do again. There's so much more to do in the life and so many people to meet. Why give up now. I was very fortunate to have someone by my side to pull me out of that. Because it wasn't going to get better.

I've always been able to know what that feels like from other people's eyes but experiencing it myself and knowing who I am.... it still makes me tear up. I can never fault someone for feeling it- but I will damn sure make them know its not a place to stay. Coming out I was very angry, vengeful and ugly. The ugly went away, the hatred went away. I learned to forgive the person and the others. I learned to forgive them but I still had the anger. And I realize now it was anger towards myself. I felt like I should have known better and not turned the series of misfortunes against myself. I had anger because even when I was starting to be okay.. I wasn't. I was still so angry and emotionally triggered by anything and everything. It takes a lot to look at yourself and ask yourself what the fuck is your problem. And well, i came to the conclusion that being angry and demanding things is just a way to not deal with things. There was literally nothing more I could have done to make things okay. People just got the best of themselves.

So... you start to deal with things. I thought therapy would help- wouldnt have worked with my schedule so I started turning to books. Books about emotional intelligence, mindfulness, and now getting over abuse. My motivation? To give all those people around me that took the brunt of what I had to go through a loving healthy relationship. I would have given up all hope if it wasnt for them. Specially one person alone. I owe my self love and being better to them. Because I know damn well I wasn't going to start giving it to myself.

Now I do. Up until about 3 weeks ago. I was ok. I was content. Some days good, some day bad. Really bad. I trusted and loved people. Other days everyone was out to hurt me. But after further events, I realized that those around have different healthy ways to show love and support- and in turn I've learned to finally accept it. I know now I need to have the same patience with people like those with me. I know there are ways of handling things that arent my way. That's okay. I have good people by my side and I'm on a journey of growing even more. I'm finally okay- and in fact. I'm finally happy again. My friends say it. They know I'm surrounded by good people. I know I am. I'm trying to sculpt healthy open relationships because there's no hiding anything anymore. It only just tears people down. And interally- people just get the better of themselves.

That concludes my kaboose moment lol

[kaboose-moments]

Miss you.

[kaboose-moments]

Me Three years ago: OMG friends mean so much. I love my friends. 

Me now: -sips drink looking around for friends- Yeah.... fuck that shit. I’m alright with my like.... 2 friends. 

[kaboose-moments]

Here's that selfie the Anon requested. Excuse my peeling skin.

[kaboose-moments]

Sometimes I have to heavily remind myself that all my hard work will pay off.

[kaboose-moments]

Well now I know who I can trust. Thanks for nothing.

[kaboose-moments]

Kind of a sad panda. Kind of don't care either

[kaboose-moments]

I guess it's time to post something personal... or personal thoughts that is.

About ten months ago, I moved back to my hometown from my college town. For many reasons, but mainly due to not being in a mentally healthy place. Since then, I've come to many different realizations about many many things. I've grown, and I hesitate to use the word change. I haven't changed because I still have the fundamental beliefs I've always had.  So carry on reading if you'd like.

When I first moved back, I had two weeks of intense conversations in my head of the last year. I've never really stressed to anybody but two people what that year was like. I hated waking up. I was not happy with myself. I didn't smile. Every day was a constant battle between not caring and having anxiety over things that I ultimately had no control over. I just wanted things back to where they were not so hectic. Where I had the support group and happiness I once had. Moving allowed me to start over fresh and really reflect on how I wanted to grow and what were my next steps to move forward. These are the points that I've grown to enforce and accept.  

An overall thing I've incorporated into my beliefs about me and my life is that everything involved is not a separate/ categorical thing, but instead something moving forward by the side of everything else in my life. Let me elaborate, friends- family- my job- all these things are not just hubs of my life, but instead a continuous  vector moving forward.  Some of these vectors tend to move in a different direction- like changing jobs, friends and family that I no longer talk to. I like the idea of using the term vector, well because it doesn't necessarily focus on what was or what could of been, but more of giving that vector the opportunity to run parallel along side all the other vectors that are moving. I can easily move in the direction of where I once was, meaning I could have a similar job to what I once had. I could accept other people coming back into my life. It doesn't cancel anything out. It means anything is possible.                To get to the point I had to really think about certain thought processes I've had. One being that I was the main issue for people not liking me . Another being that I had to have a solid plan and I could not accept any other alternatives. But the thing is that the more that I think about these things, and think I am the reason why things are working the way they are... well it gave me a lot of anxiety and self doubt in the past. And coming to the conclusion that I don't know what  I am doing, and that people are going to make their decisions allowed me to gain the confidence to know that it's okay. I am okay. I am in control of the way that I perceive my life and the choices I make. I can't change the choices other people make, or how they choose to live the life around them.

The biggest advice I give to others and myself is that.... I have a whole life in front of me. I don't know what I am doing with my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not accomplishing anything. It just means that I am open to anything that comes my way. As of right now, I'll probably be changing careers at least 3 times. With that, nobody really knows what they are doing with their life. That's okay. I strive off the uncertainty. That is me living.

These past 10 months, I've been living. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know the choices people will make. I don't know what I am doing with my career choice. But what I do know is that I am focused on the here and now. I have a stronger sense of self, and enough confidence in myself to know that whatever is thrown at me, I can handle and I know that I will take it with stride. I won't tire myself out with giving others 100% when I can't even get a quarter of there's.  I will not give up on myself. I will have an idea of where I will be going in the short term. I will not let the past weigh me down. I will not let the wrong things weigh me down either. I will be friendly and accepting of others. I will not stand being put down though. 

[kaboose-moments]

Hi. I like to think I'm cute sometimes. Don't mind my craft room mess. And look at my new haircut