#KAUFMO MENTIONED (i instantly die)

[veneror]

❝  i want you to forget this 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐃.     ❞

↪ dialogue prompts : for @pmnis !

he’s     USED    TO    WITNESSING    PANIC    ATTACKS    ;    and  of  course  he  is !    it’s not as if a  MULTICOLORED  DIGITAL  DOMAIN   is the prime location for any semblance of comfort.  all   newcomers   freaked.   it came with the territory.  you arrive  /  you realize  /  YOU PANIC.  THE  HEADSET  ISN’T  COMING  OFF   &&    NO  THIS  ISN’T  A  DREAM!     ragatha had arrived before he did, but even she wasn’t immune to freaking herself out time and time again. ribbons had panicked herself into knots so many times that jax had quit bothering to keep count.  

[  you were there, so long ago, sharing those same tightened lungs  &&.  hyperventilating breaths. you thought about someone holding you so long and so tight that your pain overflowed in their hands like water that would not stop running. you never got it. you’ll never get it.  YOU’LL  NEVER  FUCKING  GET  IT  -   ]

jax had clocked the newbie as someone  BOUND  TO  FREAK  OUT   at the drop of a hat, and he’d proved himself right within mere minutes of her being there,  tearing  at  her  own  skin  with shaky hands and desperate breaths.  [  GOOD  THING  THIS  IS  ALL  A  DREAM,  RIGHT  POMNI  ?  ]   but she hadn’t yet panicked so badly that there’d been any real need for concern  ;  at least  /  not to him.  

[   do you remember hyperventilating so hard that you thought your face might rot off from suffocation?  you witness it in the back of your memory despite everything that has tried to erase its shape.   here, there’s a gentle - handed clown sitting beside you. here, there is a semblance of normalcy in a world that does not know its definition. you think you’re shaking like a madman but he thinks you are shaking like a butterfly. what was it like, do you remember?     ]

HE   SEES   HER   SITTING   ALONE,   curled up in the same place he remembered from so many years ago, a dingy corner of the hallway connected to all of their individual bedrooms. her hat is off, and her hands are in her hair, yanking hard as if it’ll ground her any quicker.  THE  JESTER  LOOKS     …     SMALLER  THAN  SHE  ONCE  DID      [  didn’t think it was possible, pom, you’ve really fuckin’ outdone yourself.   ]     

he wants to leave her there.   HE  SHOULD  LEAVE  HER  THERE.  not like panic attacks ever got any easier when someone was fuckin’ watching you try not to spit your lungs out. jax notices her from a far enough distance that he would’ve been able to just walk away, to pretend she wasn’t there at all.  BUT    ….    something terrible tugs him back by the ribs. 

HE   KNEELS   BESIDE   HER.

jax isn’t exactly  GENTLE  when he grabs ahold of her hands, tearing her fingers out of her hair and forcing them to interlace with his own.     ❝    SQUEEZE,  pom.  c’mon,  HARDER THAN THAT.  fuckin’ break my hands. the hyperventilating’s not gonna do SHIT FOR YOU, so knock it off.    ❞

⸺   AND  SHE  DOES.  she squeezes his hands as hard as she can, and her wide little eyes stare into his own until he’s memorized the color shifts of her pinwheel irises.  red and blue and red and blue.  he’s almost lost in staring at her, jaw set tight and brows furrowed in concentration and muted anger, that he’s   …  startled by her speaking. a whisper. 

❝   oh, yeah,  REAL  SECRETIVE  OF  ‘YA,   pomni.  i’ll bet  NOBODY  HERE  thinks you’re a basket case at  ALL.  wouldn’t want anybody  FINDING  OUT  or anything.    ❞      sarcasm drips from his voice   /   he sounds almost wilted.