#KANEJ META PART THREE!

[fantastic-nonsense]

It's kind of funny that the "I will have you without armor or I will not have you at all" line is as much about Inej as it is about Kaz in the end

Because there Kaz is, actually being emotionally honest for the first time in their whole friendship and flat-out saying he wants her (that he wants her to stay with him), but Inej doesn't trust his words. She loves him, but her own happiness and healing comes first and she doesn't think he's ready to give her what she needs out of a relationship.

And to her credit, she's right. He's not ready (which I've discussed a little bit before here); but neither is she in that moment. Kaz may be avoiding a solid 95% of Inej's attempts to get him to be truthful about his thoughts and feelings with her during Six of Crows, but she doesn't believe him even when he is truthful. So she throws her own armor up in that scene, and it doesn't truly come down until Crooked Kingdom's epilogue chapters.

We all talk a lot about Kaz's actions during CK and how he does everything in his power to ensure Inej has the ability and freedom to walk out of his life forever if she wants. But even after he saves her from Van Eck, even after the "if I couldn't walk, I would crawl to you" conversation, even after the net, even after the the Bathroom Scene and her paid-off indenture and keeping her at his side when he confronts Pekka, Inej still doubts him to the point where she goes to the harbor prepared to do just that:

Kaz had changed. The net. Paying her contract. She could still feel the faint touch of his lips on her skin, his bare hands fumbling with the knots of her bandages. Inej had seen the scant glimmer of what he might become if he let himself. She couldn’t bear to see him dressed in armor once more, buttoned back into his immaculate suits and cold demeanor. She wouldn’t listen to him talk as if the Ice Court and everything that came after had been just another job, another score, another bit of advantage to be gained. But she wouldn’t ignore his note. It was time to put an end to this thing that had never had a chance to begin. She’d tell him what she’d heard about Pekka, offer to share some of her routes and hiding spots with Roeder. It would be over. She turned down the light, and after a long while, she fell asleep with the note clutched in her hand. -Ch. 44, Crooked Kingdom

She clings to his final letter like a love-struck teenager but puts on a brave face and walks to the harbor the next morning ready to "put an end to this thing that had never had a chance to begin."

But Kaz surprises her by coming to the harbor with bared hands and the Wraith as an offering, and Inej realizes that her own fear and trauma and trust issues have been holding her back from seeing that his progress is real and permanent. He's now the one reaching out, and she's the one backing away in fear of what pursuing a relationship with him would mean. She states during this scene that she "would fight for him, but she could not heal him. She would not waste her life trying" without acknowledging that she's actively pulling away from the possibility of fighting in that moment. Her armor is what's getting in the way now, not his.

And it's fascinating, because her words come from an incredibly valid and understandable place! She's not responsible for Kaz's trauma or for making sure he heals; she's got enough of her own healing to do without taking on the responsibility of dealing with his as well. And like Kaz notes during the "I would come for you" scene, she's right to be wary of opening herself up to him given his previous behavior. She's technically setting an incredibly healthy relationship boundary here, and that should be acknowledged! It's something she should believe!

However, it's important to realize that healthy boundaries can become unhealthy boundaries when you're leaning on them as a coping mechanism instead of using them as an actual boundary...which is what Inej is doing here. She says she's willing to fight for him and their relationship, but in reality she's falling back on behaviors that (like Kaz's) helped her survive Ketterdam but don't necessarily help her create healthy relationships with other people:

When Kaz had brought her to the Slat, he’d warned her that he wouldn’t be able to watch out for her, that she’d have to fend for herself, and she had. It would have been easy enough to turn away when they called her names or sidled up to ask for a cuddle, but do that and soon it was a hand up your blouse or a try at you against a wall. So she’d let no insult or innuendo slide. She’d always struck first and struck hard. Sometimes she even cut them up a bit. It was fatiguing, but nothing was sacred to the Kerch except trade, so she’d gone out of her way to make the risk much higher than the reward when it came to disrespecting her. -Ch. 4, Six of Crows

She went to the harbor ready to strike first and hard only to have the rug pulled out from under her, because Kaz revealing the Wraith helps Inej realize that she's not actually setting a healthy boundary here: she's just closing herself off from him. So she takes a leap of faith, cracks her armor open, and offers him the same vulnerability in return: she tells him she'll come back, invites him to work with her to take down the slave trade, and offers him her hand. And he takes it.

It takes until that moment for Kaz and Inej to truly understand how determined the other is to fight for the possibility of a future together. Inej still doubted that Kaz cared for her enough to be vulnerable around her and trust her with himself; Kaz still doubted Inej cared for him enough to ever come back once she had the opportunity to leave. But then she offers a partnership and her hand. And he accepts both, and Inej acknowledges it as the promise it is.

And when she first sees her parents? That's when Inej's walls finally come completely crumbling down:

Had she really thought the world didn’t change? She was a fool. The world was made of miracles, unexpected earthquakes, storms that came from nowhere and might reshape a continent. The boy beside her. The future before her. Anything was possible. -Ch. 44, Crooked Kingdom

They both need time and space to work on healing themselves, and it's probably going to take awhile. But they've already taken the first steps to dismantle the armor that's kept them both safe and untouchable in the Barrel, and they're also both actively broadcasting that they're willing to put effort into a potential relationship...and that open and visible reciprocity makes all the difference. They've been getting their communication wires crossed since the Ferolind, and it's only at the harbor that they're both able to see and accept what the other is offering: a path forward, together, with knives drawn and pistols blazing.