#Just to be clear I think Madeleine would probably act more like the Actual School council.

[quietlywatchingwritingreading]

My Immediate first thoughts

[the-l-spacer]

Summary: In which Madeleine's latest attempt to hash things out with Espresso gets a little... out of hand.

This is my first cookie run fic i. genuinely can’t believe im writing for this game now. Anyways, hope ya like it!!

- 

He sees the knight striding towards him, spotless armour clinking smartly with each step he takes, cloak billowing ever-so-slightly behind him.

His lip curls, practically a reflex.

“Espresso. Do you have a moment?” Madeleine's voice, like his appearance, is meticulously crafted to capture the attention of anyone in his vicinity. A deep, resonant baritone that carries authority, brooks no room for disagreement, least of all disagreement from a particular surly practitioner of Coffee Magic.

Or at least, that’s what Madeleine likes to think. For all his chivalrous acts and airs seem to have no effect on Espresso in the slightest, who simply sighs and rolls his dark, bespectacled eyes.

“Do me a favour; skip the pretence that participation in this conversation is optional, and get to the point. I have research that needs attending to.”

Perhaps a few months ago, Espresso’s brusque reply would have stopped Madeleine in his tracks, wiped the genial smile off his face. But as it is, they’ve spent far too much time together (unwillingly, on Espresso’s part) for the other to be fazed by mere unfriendliness. So he simply barrels on as if Espresso had never spoken. “It appears as if that young band of cookies are keen on having us join their party.”

As one, they glance over to the campsite a little ways away, where Gingerbrave and Chilli Pepper are engaged in a mock-swordfight, wielding pieces of gathered firewood, with Wizard, Strawberry and Custard cheering on. Gingerbrave rushes forward, ‘sword’ held aloft, but Chilli Pepper sidesteps his attack, and before his momentum can carry him too far, grabs the scruff of his collar, and turns him to face her. “Sloppy work, kid. I could catch that coming from a mile away. Next time, try-” She pauses mid sentence, noticing Espresso and Madeleine’s gazes. She winks, and gives a two-fingered salute. “Hey! Wanna watch me spar with a buncha kids? There’s plenty of room on that log over there, but just a little warning, I charge adult spectators.”

Madeleine waves a hand. “No need to relieve our pockets just yet, friend Chilli Pepper. Espresso and I are perfectly content watching from afar.”

“And besides, we have better things to do,” Espresso adds, “Like being corralled by a paladin into having pointless conversations.” The last bit, he aims at Madeleine, who’s response is to grin wider.

If the irony in Espresso’s statement registers to Chilli Pepper, she doesn’t show it, and simply shrugs. “Don’t let me interrupt. You boys might wanna head a little further away to have that ‘pointless conversation’ though, it’s probably gonna get noisy up in this joint.”

“An excellent idea! My humblest thanks!” Madeleine sweeps into an exaggerated bow, and takes Espresso by the elbow. “My compatriot and I shall head a little further into the woods for our chat.”

Custard perks up at that, and shouts, “Be careful! There might still be cake monsters running around, and as king, I can’t let my subjects be hurt!”

“Not to worry, we’re more than capable of defending ourselves. If our previous encounters with those beasts suggested anything...”

As Madeleine talks, Espresso discretely tries to wriggle free from the hand on his elbow, but his attempts prove futile, Madeleine’s grip is loose but firm, forming a little cage around his arm.

He lets his arm go limp, and when the grasp loosens slightly in response, he flicks his free hand, around which (unbeknownst to the jabbering knight) shadows had been gathering for quite some time.

A tendril of magic whips around and strikes Madeleine’s wrist.

“-And as Knight of the Madeleine House, I was trained since I was but a little cookie, much like your merry band, to- ah!” When the tendril connects with a small thwack, he releases Espresso, jerking away as if burned (in actuality, the magic was really just a moderately heated slap. Espresso didn’t want to do any serious damage to Madeleine, after all.)

The seemingly permanent smile on the knight’s face falters, just for a second, and Espresso allows himself a moment of schadenfreude.

“Is... is everything okay, Madeleine?” Strawberry pipes up from her spot on the log.

“Quite alright, quite alright.” The ten-carat smile is back in full force, and once again, he waves his (non-injured) hand airily, though Espresso notes with some satisfaction the displeased side glance Madeleine shoots at him.

Espresso’s face pulls into a smile of his own, falsely sweet. “Well. Shall we be off, then?” He begins walking into the woods. True, he would much rather be tucked away in some quiet corner, poring over magical scrolls, but if he has to be subjected to this... chat, at least he can try to have some fun while doing so. Make Madeleine regret initiating contact, make him trail behind for once.

And sure enough, Madeleine follows after him, making long strides to catch up.

As they retreat into the forest, Gingerbrave shouts, “Come back in time for dinner! We’re having sweet jelly stew!”

“We’ll be there,” Madeleine replies, not needing to raise his voice for it to carry across the clearing where they had set up camp.

The other cookies give their final waves, and return to sparring, the sounds of cheering and wood striking wood fading the deeper in Espresso and Madeleine travel.

- 

Eventually, the noises from the campsite fade entirely, replaced by the chirping of birds, and the soft rustling of trees. The last of the day’s light dapples through the jelly forest’s leaves, and Espresso might have called the whole scene pleasant, if not for the cookie next to him.

They come to a stop in a forest clearing. “Is this far enough for your liking, oh Knight-Commander of House Madeleine?”

Madeleine leans against a tree, the light glinting off his armour. “You know, the attitude really isn’t necessary, and neither,” he cocks his head, glossy hair spilling over one shoulder, his reprimanding smile akin to a teacher lecturing a particularly irritating student, “was the use of dark magic back there.”

Espresso smirks. “Ah. Have I discovered your weakness? Is the pride of House Madeleine scared of a little magic? I just meant for it to tickle, really.”

A scowl begins to form on Madeleine’s face, before he schools it back into careful neutrality. “You must be intelligent enough to grasp my meaning. It’s not the act itself, it’s the…” He gestures loosely in the air, his right hand still slightly red, “... the spirit of it all. Cookies who fight together shouldn’t turn on one another. It simply isn’t right.”

“Mmm. Mm hmm. Of course it isn’t.” Espresso, in a bid to minimize the dirt from the forest floor getting on his robes, opts to hover just a little above the ground, and Madeleine has to crane his neck to meet his gaze. “And I’m sure wrestling the cookie you’re supposed to be fighting with into the woods is so much more excusable.”

Madeleine bristles. “You wouldn’t have agreed to this conversation otherwise, as you’ve made so abundantly clear in the past. All I did was ensure you wouldn’t be able to weasel your way out of the inevitable yet another time.”

“What about our current situation makes you think this conversation is inevitable?” Espresso snaps. “I’ve told you time and time again I don’t care for your company. Our paths crossed once, we travelled together briefly to achieve our own goals, and parted ways. We work together acceptably, and we tolerate each other, barely. What more is there to be said between us?”

“Well, for one,” Madeleine says, standing just a bit straighter, as if to deliver a set of prepared lines, “I was telling you, before we were interrupted, that Gingerbrave and his fellows seem eager to have us as travelers alongside them.”

“Yes. And?”

“And I’m sure you are as keen as I am on accepting their offer.”

Espresso stiffens. He hates cookies who presume things about him, and more than that, he hates when those presumptions are right. After a moment, he bites out, “Even if I was, what of it.”

“We’ll be traveling together once again. Serving as their protectors, and all that.”

“So what? As I said, we’ve travelled in each other’s companies before.”

“Yes, but I believe this will be our longest journey yet. They seek answers, a way to defeat the evil forces rising, and this is no easy feat.”

“I seek no such thing,” Espresso scoffs, folding his arms. “I only know that they’re searching for the Forgotten Academy, and that particular locality has a library I’ve been meaning to peruse for a while. I plan to travel with them until that point, where we will then part ways.”

“Even then, according to my maps the Forgotten Academy is weeks away. Maybe a month. Months, if we keep up our current pace. A considerable amount of time that allows for sour dough to spoil further. I simply think it… unwise, to allow things between us two to reach such a point.” Having finally said his piece, Madeleine pushes himself off the roll cake trunk, and starts towards Espresso, open palm outstretched.

No, not again. They had done this dance before, and Espresso isn’t planning to retrace those steps. He whizzes backward, out of Madeleine’s reach.

“I’m not interested in becoming friends, knight,” he spits. “And I tire of your constant overtures.”

Madeleine’s hand returns to his side in an impatient motion. “Must you insist on being this- this difficult?” He asks, voice fraught with frustration. “It is a simple offer. Put our differences aside and work together amicably, if only to to make our journey more tolerable for us and our companions.”

“Ahhh but there’s the rub, Madeleine,” Espresso retorts, “I’m afraid our differences are too great to reconcile. If that is all you have for me, I think I’ll be returning to camp. I would say it’s been a pleasure, but… you know better.”

He makes to leave, floating quickly away to leave the knight behind, but catches a blur of movement from the corner of his eye. Before he can react, Madeline moves forward, his armour and shield glowing. With a flash, the shield comes down on the edge of Espresso’s long, dark cloak, pinning it to the forest floor.

Both of them hear the telltale sound of ripping fabric.

“Don’t move.” Madeleine warns.

Espresso’s vision goes red. He gathers the shadows to him, wreathing his clenched fists in black swirls of magic.

He doesn’t move.

A pause, then the shield lifts.

Espresso doesn’t wait to rush backward, heading straight for Madeleine. This time, it’s the knight that finds himself unprepared, as Espresso grabs him, and with the help of his magic, lifts him in the air, slamming him against the trunk of the nearest tree.

“Don’t. Touch. Me,” he growls.

Their faces are close enough now that Espresso sees the tiniest twitch of fear in Madeleine’s expression. He doesn’t yield, keeping him pinned to the trunk.

Madeleine speaks, holding both hands up in a conciliatory gesture. “Now, now, I admit I was rather hasty, but there really is no need for-“

“- doesn’t feel nice, does it? Being trapped against your will?” Espresso cuts him off.

“Listen. I’m sorry things had to come to that point.”

Espresso sneers. Just as he predicted, Madeleine’s ‘apology’ is anything but. His mouth forms the syllables, but like a pedestrian one accidentally jostles on the street, his ‘sorry’ is merely a formality, said to hear the sound of his own voice.

Espresso doesn’t buy it, is what he’s saying.

“Save it. Save your pithy little apologies and insincere attempts at friendship for some other cookie.”

Madeleine’s face twists in indignation. “I’m not being insincere!”

Espresso drops him unceremoniously, the knight’s armour clattering when he lands on the soft earth. He tries not to betray his own fatigue, both in mind and body. Madeleine is heavy after all, weighed down further by his armour and weapons, making the act of holding him aloft (even aided by magic) one that had taken a not-insignificant toll on him. His feet touch down lightly on the ground, the glowing aura around him fades.

“Oh, spare me,” Espresso says coldly. “Every action, every toss of your hair or flick of your cloak, every word that comes out of your mouth betrays your insincerity.”

Having gathered himself, Madeleine finally snaps, drawing his sword from its scabbard with a metallic hiss. “How dare you.” His voice, a dangerous murmur, grows louder and louder, until it carries to the treetops. “I don’t know what I have done to offend you so. I attempted to be friendly, and reach out with offers of peace, as my family taught me to do for years, but you insist on rebuffing me, sullying my good name with your.. your insolence!”

The sword is pointed at Espresso’s throat, now, and the magician takes a careful step backward, keeping an eye on the gleaming blade. Madeleine doesn’t seem to notice, however, as he barks, “I’ve been lenient in the past, but as a cookie of honour, I can’t let such words continue to slide. The Divine, protect me!”

Celestial light bathes the forest clearing, surrounding Madeleine in its radiance. He lunges forward and swings his sword, a ray of light arcing from its blade. Espresso, caught unawares, finds himself knocked back, sent stumbling to catch his footing.

He regains his balance, clutching on to a tree branch, and counters the next light ray with an explosion of coffee beans that makes Madeleine's attack fizzle out.

“You know I’m right about you,” Espresso taunts, “in fact, we both know this is all a little charade you put on, because-” he plants his feet firmly in the ground, bracing himself against a third wave of light magic. “- beneath all your bravado, your shiny armour and fancy new weapons, you are empty.”

“That’s not true!” Madeleine roars, attempting to close the distance between them. But Espresso splays his hands, and a swirling vortex forms, pulling the paladin backward and into its dark center. Madeleine staggers in pain.

“You’re just a selfish glory-seeker, as slow and soulless as the monsters that- gah!”

Dexterity had never been his strong suit, so when Madeleine’s retaliating attack comes, he doesn’t dodge quickly enough. He sees the sword swing, feels an impact across his face, before his world goes blurry.

His glasses!

A lance of panic spikes through his chest.

He can’t see. He can’t see and he can’t look for his glasses either because if he steps on them that’s it. And Madeleine will win or worse he’ll just leave him here, in the middle of the woods.

The attacks stop coming.

The forest is silent once more, but for the two cookies’ heavy breathing.

Then, Espresso hears the crunching of leaves, sees the blurry shape of Madeleine stride towards him. He readies his magic. Madeleine passes him, and bends down over a spot Espresso can’t quite see.

A familiar metallic object is pressed into his hand.

“Your glasses.”

In a flash, Espresso has them on again, and exhales in relief when the forest comes back into focus.

“I never meant to knock them over. I’m sorry.”

Espresso is about to respond, but Madeleine says, “We should not have let our discussion escalate like this.”

“I’m sorry. We?!” Espresso’s recently restored vision colours. “When it was you who dealt the first blow? You, who initiated this discussion in the first place, who-” He trails off, righteous indignation fading slightly when he sees Madeleine, who stands at arm’s length away from him, both hands resting on the pommel of his sword, his expression unreadable.

“..Yes. Fine. As allies, we shouldn’t have turned on each other like this.”

Madeleine says nothing, so Espresso continues. “But as our previous attempts at civility have shown, you are incapable of holding a conversation without trying to domineer over me, push me into situations I do not want to be in. And I… I admit that I went too far in my personal assessments of you, but the fact remains that I simply cannot work with you beyond what we already are. Allies, and nothing more.”

For the second time, Espresso begins walking back to camp. Madeleine makes no attempt to stop him. “Thank you for retrieving my glasses. Good evening.”

Before he can fully retreat into the copse of trees, he hears Madeleine’s voice, saying, “Wait.”

Espresso pauses for a moment, and continues walking.

“Wait. Please.”

The word ‘please’ sounds so strange on Madeleine’s lips, and Espresso realises he can’t recall if the cookie had ever said the word in all the time they had worked together.

He turns his head.

Madeleine is leaned against a tree, arms folded and a foot kicked up against the trunk. His face is hidden by a curtain of hair.

“You are from The Republic, yes?”

Thrown by the sudden question, Espresso says, “Yes. The both of us are.”

“You’re aware that The Republic is a peaceful nation. No conflict within its gates, no monsters to be found without.”

Where is this going? Espresso responds, “Safe, sterile, and utterly boring. I’m aware.”

“Then what,” Madeleine turns his face away from Espresso, addressing the trees, “what use do you think such a nation has for soldiers? For knights?”

Oh.

Madeleine laughs, not his usual hearty guffaw, filled to the brim with bravado, but a short and bitter exhalation. “Do you know what it’s like to be, as you called me, the ‘slow’ one, in a family of scholars and politicians? For your only prowess to be your physical strength, in a place where that skill is entirely unnecessary?”

“But the knight order you lead-”

“- is purely for show. Just cookies dressed up in shiny armour to remind the other kingdoms we’re not to be trifled with. None of them have actually seen a day of real combat outside of sparring.”

Espresso is back in the clearing, picking a position next to Madeleine so he doesn’t see his sympathetic expression.

“Then… the reason you and all the knights were sent out?”

“As I said, my mission was to seek the legendary Soul Jam that is supposed to grant us cookies eternal life. Not that anyone in the Republic really expects us to find it.”

“They wanted to get rid of you, then.”

Madeleine visibly flinches at Espresso’s words. “I wouldn’t put it so bluntly, but… yes. I’m welcome back home, of course. If I were to return, I’d be met with trumpets and fanfare, but not much else, and certainly not anything approaching respect from those who truly matter.” The knight clenches his fist. “This quest is to be my saving grace. My only purpose, and the only way one like me can conceivably bring pride to House Madeleine. The only way I can be of use”

Espresso regards Madeleine, the revelation casting the cookie in a new light.

“So.. yes, Espresso. I am a selfish glory-seeker. Perhaps I have no other choice but to be.” Madeleine’s previously ramrod-straight posture is gone, and in its place his fists are clenched, shoulders hunched inwards, his hair tumbling forward, shielding his face from view.

And a small part of Espresso feels the strangest urge to push that hair back, to place a comforting hand on the paladin’s shoulder. Anything to stop what has to be the strongest — the most annoying, surely, but the strongest nevertheless — cookie he knows from curling into himself, from hurting like this.

But he holds himself back. All he lets out is a soft, “I think I know how you feel. Not entirely, but some of it.”

Madeleine turns to look at Espresso, a blank expression on his face. “You do.”

The mage lets a spark of magic fly from his hand - a single, glowing coffee bean surrounded by dark shadow. “You have called what I do ‘black magic’ in the past.”

Madeleine, suddenly stricken, says, “I wouldn’t go so far as to call it ‘black magic’, but-”

“- Listen. You have, countless times. And it annoys me to no end, but I understand why. It does look like it, no?” He conjures more coffee beans, letting them spin in circles around him. “I’ve had this ability since I was a child. It did not come from dark origins, I did not make a pact with evil forces to obtain it, as some have believed. It simply was. My magic, like your physical strength, is a part of me.”

Madeleine simply nods.

“But people don’t understand Coffee Magic. Whenever I demonstrated my abilities, I’d be shunned, the respectable citizens of our beloved Republic saying that I was a child of Dark Enchantress Cookie.”

“Espresso…” His magic fizzles out, and now, it is his turn to look away, incapable of facing the pity that is surely in Madeleine’s gaze.

“I was barred from every magic school. I had to learn, and practice, and make it on my own. If I didn’t have Latte Cookie, I don’t know how I would have-” Espresso shakes his head. “No matter. All I am saying is that I do know how it feels, not to belong. To have to carve a place for yourself among people who can’t respect you.”

A hand settles on his shoulder, and Espresso almost flinches. He looks up, and his gaze meets Madeleine’s, earnest and apologetic. “Espresso, first and foremost, I am sorry that I ripped your cloak in trying to keep you here.”

Espresso’s eyes travel to his torn (and expensive) wizard’s cloak. “It’s fine. I’ll just have to get it repaired once we return to camp.”

Madeleine continues. “And I’m sorry, truly sorry that I misjudged you based on your magic. That I pushed when I should have respected your wishes. Respected you.”

And this time, Espresso believes Madeleine’s words. He lets his own hand creep upwards to rest over the knight’s.

He sighs. “And I apologise, too. I made undue assumptions about you, and let these assumptions colour my actions. I treated you poorly, and for that, I’m sorry.”

When their eyes meet again, it is as if the forest goes silent, nature’s rustle and hum being forgotten as the two look at each other, and for the first time, understand.

Of course, no moment can truly last, and it is Espresso who breaks the spell, gently moving Madeleine’s hand off his shoulder. “Naturally, don’t think this means I’ll let you strongarm me into doing whatever you want me to. You still irritate me. Incessantly.”

Madeleine chuckles. “Naturally. Besides, I do not imagine such actions will be necessary in the future. I think we understand each other perfectly clearly, now.”

Espresso lets a grin creep across his face. Rolling his eyes, he says, “Don’t assume you know everything based on a tidbit of my past. I encompass multitudes, Knight-Commander.”

“In turn, I request that you not write me off just yet,” Madeleine responds teasingly. “I may not know everything about you, but I would be very interested to,”

Both their eyes widen, Madeleine realising the forwardness of his statement. “That is. I will give you the space you need, certainly, but if you ever feel like-”

“- Wait. Stop.” Espresso takes a breath, lets it out. “I- I do feel the same way. You’re a good fighter, and I did not let myself give you a fair chance.”

He crosses the short distance between them, and extends a hand. “I’m Espresso Cookie of The Republic. Founder of the Coffee Magic School. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Madeleine regards the outstretched hand in wonder.

"... Don't make a big deal of it, knight."

He puffs out his chest, taking Espresso’s hand. “And I’m Madeleine Cookie of The Republic. Servant of The Divine, Knight Comm-” He stops himself, clears his throat. Then, he smiles and simply says, “I’m Madeleine Cookie. It’s an honour to get to know you.”

[princesscatherinemiddleton]

Princess Madeleine - Mama Magazine

“I want to be home with my kids as much as possible!”

Her highest priority is to spend as much time as possible with her children – who are so far unaware that they actually belong to a royal family. MAMA has met the three royal grandchildren and Princess Madeleine for a candid interview.

The past few weeks have been intense for Princess Madeleine. Recently she returned to Stockholm from Miami, the new hometown which she moved to a year ago, and she has just debuted as a children’s book writer, which has attracted considerable attention in both Swedish and foreign media. The children have been sick but they are now back home in Sweden over the summer – finally.

“It was not so easy for them to get over it this time, they have been sick with flu every two years. But in the end, Chris stayed in US with the sick kids and I brought Adrienne with me. So I managed to get home for the book launch.”

A few days after our big cover photo shoot with all the children, MAMA meets Princess Madeleine again – who is now recovering from a cold. She is dressed in a blue-grey jacket, white shirt, and around her neck is a thin necklace with small charms with the children’s names and a patron saint. She has some job assignments left before it’s time to leave together with the rest of the family.

“They have longed to get to Sweden! Both to come home to their rooms and their things. But also that we are outdoors so much more here at home than we are in Florida. It’s so hot there, and you can only be out for a short time, so for them to be out in the woods and run around, it’s a dream. And that is something I have really missed myself.”

Nowadays, we are used to seeing our Swedish royalty together with families in different official contexts, and it is not infrequently the children who are the focus of the cameras. Princess Leonore, the oldest of the siblings at five-years-old, has charmed the world’s press on both her Aunt Crown Princess Victoria’s 40th birthday celebration and her little sister Princess Adrienne’s baptism.

“She has a lot of energy. There are several teachers who say they have never met a child who has so much “free spirit”. But now I can see that once she gets into things she can really sit for a long time and concentrate. She loves to paint and decorate and make bracelets and necklaces with pearls. It often becomes a cosy moment because I also find it fun to paint and decorate, so it’s a lovely mom-daughter moment we have together.”

What else do you like doing together with the kids?

I would probably describe myself as the right amount of “hands-on”. I try to be with them as much as possible, whether we are in the park or at home. It is clear that if we are at home there are so many other things that need to be done, but I try to be involved most of the time when I can. It is important, it is about small moments you will otherwise miss.

How do the children’s personalities differ?

Leonore is the lively one. Nicolas is much more calm and sensitive with a big heart, a real mother’s boy. It’s him I get all the compliments from! He can say, “Mom, you look beautiful!”. Adrienne is very simple, happy, calm and harmonious, and just keeps going. Now she is 16 months so you start to see some more characteristics. She is very quick-thinking and tries to hang with the others with her little legs.

Which of the children is most like you?

My husband says Leonore, haha. She can stomp her foot when she gets angry. I was probably a little bit too, when I was a kid, quite determined, so yes. I would say Leonore.

And who is most like Chris?

Chris is very emotional and soft, so I see that side in Nicolas. Chris also sees details that Nicolas does and enjoys nice things. Chris gives the best advice, I always ask him when it comes to clothes, for example.

Princess Madeleine is always close to laughing as she tells anecdotes about the children and their peculiarities. When I ask if something in parenthood had surprised her, she has to think for a while.

“This “baby brain”, I didn’t expect it to last so long, this bubble you feel when your head is not really stuck. I can lose words and feel that I’m not as quick-thinking as before. And you have heard that maybe when you have child it can stay for a few months longer, or when you breastfeed, but I think it has stayed – ” (pauses) “ – longer than that.”

But now you have a little one too, that may not be so strange?

Yes, yes. Okay, so if you get fuzzy answers from me, then I’m blaming baby brain, haha!

Baby brain or not, Princess Madeleine has written and launched the book “Stella and the Secret” with her friend and colleague Karini Gustafason-Teixeira and children’s book author Stella Maxwell – a project that has emerged from Princess Madeleine’s commitment to the World Childhood Foundation and the issues surrounding the vulnerable and exploited children the foundation focuses on.

A children’s book about sexual abuse – that sound like a difficult task?

Yes, it’s been a long progress! In my work with Childhood, I have been campaigning to raise awareness of child sexual abuse. Me and my colleague Karini realised that even though we have reached out to thousands of people and organisations, it is difficult for these messages to reach children. That’s when the idea was born to write a children’s book. We wanted to reach out directly to the children, directly to the home where we know that everything begins, both good things but unfortunately also bad things…

Have you and Chris started talking about those issues of privacy with your own children?

We absolutely have. I think it is very important that the children understand this early and respect their bodily integrity and that you do not touch anyone in certain places of the body – you respect the private areas. We’re talking about that.

What responsibilities do you have as an adult for other children in your area?

We adults all have to take responsibility to act if we see something that is not okay. We have to dare to ask the child if everything is okay. We are too careful there, we do not want to interfere, but sometimes a child just needs to be asked a question, how they feel and if everything is okay.

In the book you do not wander around the topic of sexual abuse but go straight to the point…

Yes, we asked for input from various child psychologists when we had an almost completed script, and we also read in school classes and those were the ones who asked us not to be more afraid to talk more concretely in the book. Initially, we wrapped it up more, but they thought we would also have the heavier bit with Stella’s friend Elena’s secret, and I’m still glad we brought up that bit. For as the child psychologists say; children can take it. Don’t back it up, it’s better to pick it up.

Often, we adults are afraid to talk about heavy things?

Yes, we are afraid to talk about heavy topics with children. And that is exactly what I felt, that if we are uncomfortable talking about such a situation, how then should children dare to take it up with us? You know that you have to be a good parent and talk about problems that children may face, everything from friendships, tough times at school, bullying etc. but it is not always easy to address. Then it can be nice to instead have a book that you can read or listen to together, and hopefully it will lead to a conversation where you can naturally ask questions about how the children would have done in Stella’s situation. I hope the book can help, to open the dialogue that way.

In addition to the work with “Stella and the Secret”, her job for Childhood and the official assignments for the Swedish Royal House, Princess Madeleine also has had three children in the past five years; Princess Leonore, 5, Prince Nicolas, 4, and Princess Adrienne, 1.

For many, being a parent can be more or less a shock, was it so for you?

Now that I think about it, it probably wasn’t. I had a simple pregnancy and also delivery, so I think it helped, that it actually went so easy and that I did not have a really bad experience. The first time went well, and I have been fortunate that my children have been simple babies, they have slept through the nights since they were one or two months. So compared to how it has been for many other moms, I have been very spared.

Leonore was born in 2014 and Nicolas in 2015. What was it like to get pregnant again, so quickly?

That I was expecting Nicolas came as a shock! I was already in the third month, I knew nothing. We were moving from New York and I was so tired, but I thought I was safe because I was packing and there was so much with the move. But then I was pregnant. I think I was in the thirteenth week when I found out.

Wow. But then you had not felt bad and so?

No. I did not feel bad with Leonore or Nicolas. With Adrienne, on the other hand, I felt very ill. Really weird.

Did you like being pregnant?

Yes, actually! I didn’t think I would say that. I thought I would sigh and complain more, haha. Obviously, it will be heavy in the end but as I said, it’s probably because I had the benefit of having a light pregnancy, so I’ve been pleasantly surprised anyway. I think you get such a calm when you are pregnant, I like it.

You’ve had babies tight, it’s easy to get the impression that it’s easy for you to get pregnant?

Mmm, nothing has been planned, haha! When Adrienne came, I’d really thought I’d give Chris a puppy, but then…

Princess Madeleine bursts into laughter. “Okay, Chris had his birthday and I thought I’d surprise him with a puppy. I had fixed the kennel and knew when the puppy would come and everything was planned. And then he got a package with a stuffed animal that was a dog, and a card that said ‘Congratulations, you should get one for a family member’. He got completely chalky and dropped his chin, “What, are you pregnant again?” And I said “No, it’s just a dog!”

But then two weeks later I had to come back to him and say “you, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea that we get a puppy…” because then I was pregnant. With Adrienne. And then I had to call the kennel and say we have to wait for the puppy. I wished for a very long time at first, but I listened to my mom in the end, she said “No, you can’t have a dog too, wait now”. And that felt right, because it would still be like having two babies.

Since the 2013 wedding, Princess Madeleine and Chris O’Neill have lived in New York, then London, Stockholm, and now Miami. Princess Leonore was born in New York, while both Prince Nicolas and Princess Adrienne were born at Danderyd’s hospital outside Stockholm.

“Yes, the children are born in different countries, and there is little difference. In the United States they are much more concerned that the mother should definitely not be hurt, they give much more stunning at birth, so with Leonore it was very painless. I almost felt it was too much, I felt nothing, my whole legs were stunned.”

Did you experience any pain?

Yes, I did. But then when they got stronger, then they grew on the anaesthetic, so I didn’t even know when I was going to push her, it was the doctor who had to say it. While in Sweden you are much more restrained, you do not get given as much stunning. Which I can also feel is pretty awesome because then you know more and the body really tells you what to do. So even though it hurt a little, I thought it was a cooler experience all in all.

You were pregnant with Nicolas at your brother, Prince Carl Philip’s, wedding to Princess Sofia. How was it?

Yeah, that was pretty exciting, haha! Of course, I really wanted to attend Carl Philip and Sofia’s wedding that lasted two days – first it was a party the night before and then it was the wedding itself. And I told my midwife before, “I feel something is happening,” so I wanted to check the status before going into the party and into the church. But then I was actually 3cm dilated, so she thought I should have a bag with me in case I had to go inside.

So I sat inside the church thinking, “Do. Not. Let. My. Waters. Break. What do I do if my waters break? Do I leave? Do I stand? What do I do?” I was really nervous, but Nicolas waited a bit to get out. This was on Friday, then Saturday, he gave me Sunday to rest on, then on Monday we went in.

It must have been an exciting conversation for your table party?

I had Daniel at the table, which was nice, he helped me. So I could say, “You, it hurts right now, you have to talk and I’ll sit and smile!” Because it was a TV broadcast dinner too, haha! So I just couldn’t sit there and make grimaces.

Has it been easier or harder than you thought, being a mom?

When I had Leonore, then I thought it was too much. But then when I had the others, I wondered why I thought it was so hard with one child, haha! And then with three, oh my god! I do not agree with those who say that “If you have two then there is no difference with a third.” I don’t think so, but I think it’s more to plan, just logistically, because they differ so much in ages. Adrienne has her schedule of meal times and sleeping times, the other two have something completely different, so to put it together it’s a little bigger puzzle. But as a mom, I think… that’s a lot! But it’s fun! I love being a mom, it’s the most fun!

Has there been anything you wish you knew before you had a child?

I had a little trouble with breastfeeding. There are different breastfeeding cultures in the US and Sweden. In the US you were asked directly: will you breastfeed or do you want compensation for your baby? In Sweden, you must breastfeed. I think it was a little more pressing. Not sure everyone can and for me, that was a little difficult.

Have you breastfed all your children?

Yes, I have.

As a new mom, were you worried or cool?

My friends thought I was cool and I think I’m pretty calm. It is clear that I was sometimes worried as a new mom because we lived in New York and I did not have the family close, so you could feel a bit lonely during the whole thing. But we brought in help, so it felt safe to have someone there who could support.

How is Chris then, is he cool or more worried?

No! He’s the worried one of us, haha! As with Adrienne a few weeks ago, he said “she looks yellow, we have to go to the hospital, I think she has jaundice!”. And I just was like “No, she can’t have jaundice, she’s 15 months old, she’s just caught the sun!”

How do you and Chris complement each other as parents?

Good, I think. Unfortunately, I am the one who may be a “bad cop”. Leonore knows exactly who to go and ask when she wants something. But joking aside, I think we’re a good team. When I have Adrienne in the morning, he fixes breakfast for the children and solves everything in a good way, then he is busy in the days, but comes home in the evening for reading time with the children and then on the weekends we are very much together. Chris is very much a present dad when he is not working.

Who are you looking for support from in parenting issues?

It’s probably my friends. Most of them are a little ahead of me so it’s perfect, they have that experience right now, when the kids go into different ages and stages, so there I talk a lot with my friends.

Do you ever Google for info if the kids get weird rashes or the like?

No, no.

Maybe Chris is the one who Googles?

He definitely Googles! He probably has spreadsheets of all kinds of illnesses there, haha. But no, I don’t.

You and Chris come from slightly different cultures regarding child rearing. Is there something you disagree on?

Yes, I would probably say that it is. I would like to have the children with us all the time, while he is more like it was where he grew up: the children are not always with you, for example, you do not always eat dinner with the children but individually… But you have to compromise. And I agree, it is important for the relationship that you get some alone time together, and not with the children there.

Many who are in the middle of the toddler carousel may feel that they sometimes lose themselves, a bit like "where did my old self go?" Have you ever felt that way?

I have, absolutely. But sometimes I think it's a little nice too, just to focus on the children and not on myself. I think now that the kids are getting a little older, I'm starting to come back, and have more time now, when the bigger kids are more in school. I still have Adrienne at home, but I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

Do you feel lonely?

No, I feel like ... now I have a family, my own new family. But then it is clear that you always miss friends and family at home in Sweden.

Have you been able to build a new network of friends in Florida since you moved there?

Yes, but it does take its time. We moved there in August last year, so now I feel like I have good friends, and especially good moms from school that I got to know. In the United States, there is an incredible parenting presence at school so it was very easy to get in and make new friends throughout that cohesion. It is a full time job to just be a present parent in school there! No wonder it has become such a phrase, "soccer mom", because it really is.

Are you going to be a soccer mom?

Sure! I already think it has started with all the different activities of the children, the only thing you do is drive back and forth on different activities. Leonore has ballet and football, tennis ... Nicolas also has football and "sports" where you get to test everything from baseball to basketball, he thinks it's great fun.

Princess Madeleine describes a daily life that in many ways resembles many other toddler parents. Up early in the weekdays, stressful mornings and off with the older kids to school. The days are often spent at home with Adrienne, they attend gymboree classes with singing, play and gymnastics. Get the kids from school at three, shooting off for activities.

When Chris comes home from work, they take turns reading for the children before bedtime and on weekends it is fully focused on spending time with the whole family. Both Friday night ("Yes! Movies, chips and popcorn!") and Saturday candy are two Swedish classics that are obvious to the family.

Living in sunny Florida has its advantages. When the children come home, it is often a swim in the pool, swimming with friends is a favourite occupation, and both Leonore and Nicolas learned to swim early. In addition, they do not have the bulky winter overalls that we Swedes otherwise are accustomed to at home.

“Yes, it is very nice right now during the toddler years ... that booking with all winter garments - and once you have come out then someone needs to go to the toilet! Here it is only with shorts and t-shirt, in that way it is very simple, life is a little easier when there is a warm climate.”

In the US, they may also be more at ease compared to Sweden, they are not recognized as often.

How do you talk to the kids about being royalty?

I haven't actually talked to them about it yet. I think it will come naturally. And I think it was so for me, because I can't remember that mom and dad sat down to talk about it, but it probably came naturally. I think when the time comes they will ask and wonder and then you have to take it then, but now they have to live in their little bubble, in their little world without titles.

Can it be a shock when you are here in Sweden and people recognize you on the street?

That is where I think Swedes are so very respectful with the children, it is rare that anyone comes up. Even though we are in the park and I see that people recognize us, but there are not some who come and take pictures of the children or so. So they have been very kind, they live in their bubble and think they are like everyone else.

Are there times when you feel that you are not enough as a mother?

Yes, but it is clear, when all the children want attention, and then maybe you have to go away and not be able to follow up any noisy situation ... But otherwise we are very much with the children right now. And I have also really tried to prioritize this, to have these toddler years, and as long as I can, I want to be home with the children as much as possible.

You said before that you want four children?

I have to correct that. Chris has said four kids, not me, haha!

How do you feel yourself?

Right now I feel that I do not know how I would be able to get to it purely logistically, because it is quite a lot as it is, but at the same time it feels very sad to close that door. Because it is so wonderful with children. But we'll see.

“Right now I'm very happy with three children,” says Princess Madeleine emphatically and adds with a laugh: “It might be a dog instead!”

 Quickfire questions

How many times were you awakened tonight? - Two. By Nicolas and Adrienne.

How many children lay in your bed when you woke up this morning? - Haha, one. Nicolas. He is the night hiker.

What was the first thing someone said to you this morning? - "Mom I need to pee!"

Which child was most difficult to raise? - Leonore.

What did the kids eat for breakfast? - Actimel with cereals and toast. Chris fixes.

How many toy animals were sitting at the breakfast table? - Two rabbits; Leonores "Pink" and Nicolas "Blue".

When did you get to drink your morning coffee? - Standing, just before we left. And cold.

Who in the family takes the longest time to put on their clothes? - Leonore.

What are the most common kids chattering about in the mornings? - The iPad.

What is the most common thing you talk about in the mornings? - Now we have to go!

[thequeenofcronuts]

Uncertainties - A Royal Romance AU Story Chapter 3 No Rest for the Wicked

Uncertainties- AU The Royal Romance

Uncertainties main location Silicon Valley California.

AU Summary - Career life is busy for a group of six friends when they meet a captivating woman with a beautiful soul. New friendships are forged and new romances revealed. All the while hearts are torn and closets are cleared of skeletons. True love always wins in the end, right?

AU Warnings - This Stand Alone will include the following 18+ subjects: Language, NS*W, Verbal Abuse, and Abortion. If ANY of these subjects will cause pain or hardship in reading, please skip reading Uncertainties. That being said, each chapter will include its own specific warnings.

AU Uncertainties Pairings and Characters: Pairings and Characters: Drake x Riley /  Liam x Riley  /  Liam x Olivia  / Drake x Olivia / Maxwell x Savannah, including Hana, and Madeleine, and OCs

Chapter 3 Summary - What made Madeleine, Madeleine?

Chapter 3 Warnings - None

Chapter Word Count: 1,590

**All characters from the Choices Book: The Royal Romance are owned by Pixelberry Studios (Any other characters are the product of my brain…I probably should apologize now. 🙃😉)

—————

Madeleine’s First Grade Class Play

“Maddie, again from your first line.” Madeleine's father urges his daughter.

Stomping her foot Madeleine replies, “But father, I can't do this anymore. Amanda and the other girls went to the playground. Why can't I go with them?” Madeleine’s father has been drilling her on her lines for the upcoming school play while Maddie is invited by her friends after school to play everyday, and everyday she is told no.

“Madeleine dear, you know your mother wants you to be perfect in this play. We can't embarrass your mother, can we now?”

“But father, I want to play. Katie said at school today we can't be friends if I don't play with her anymore.” Madeleine’s little tears begin to fall as her father’s heart aches for his child. Unfortunately, during this exchange, Madeleine’s mother walks by her room.

“Madeleine, I have told you everyday that the more you whine the more you will practice. You can't possibly be memorizing your lines through your consistent refusal. You will not embarrass me in front of the entire school in which three generations have attended. Do you understand, my daughter?” Her mother scolds with a cold, stern tone.

Madeleine, with arms behind her back, looks down at her feet and replies “Yes.”

“Try that again. Eyes on me this time. And for heavens sake stand up straight.” As more tears fall, Madeleine looks up to her mother.

“Yes, ma’am. I understand that I will not embarrass us in front of the family's alma mater.”

Pointing at Madeleine before she turns on her heel, “Good. Remember that before you whine again.” Madeleine begins to recite the last words she was working on, as her father follows his wife, Allison, into the hallway.

“Allison, she's only in first grade. Our friends all have children Maddie knows and could be playing with. Let her enjoy this time with her first grade and pre-school friends. I know we talked about how important this is, but everyday Madeleine is forgetting things due to the pressure we are putting on her. She needs at least a break.”

“Richard, you’re correct in that we’ve spoken about this before, but you are incorrect when you tell me she needs a break. What Madeleine needs is to get her lines correct. I work each day so you can stay at home with her since you think a nanny is inappropriate. I make that sacrifice, you will be sure she is perfect in this play.”

————— Madeleine, Age 16

“Mother, I don't like him. Why must I be dating him?” Madeleine asks her while stomping her foot.

“Madeleine, quit acting like a spoiled child. You are dating him because he is currently in line for valedictorian and you are for salutatorian. You are dating him because he is the most accomplished son of the most important family friend of ours. You are dating him because I tell you to do so. No more talking about this!” Madeleine slams the front door on her way out of the house.

Twenty minutes later she’s in an argument with her boyfriend Kyle. “I’m done Kyle, were done. I can't remember the last time we went on a date where you didn't leave me to be with your friends. Then you pick me up and suck up to my mother when you drop me off at home like we're actually on a date? No more.”

“Fine Madeleine, except you know we can't breakup. Trust me, I would have broken up with you ages ago. Your mother and my father will kill us if we ever did.” Kyle now paces. He always paces when he's mad. Meanwhile Madeleine's mind is plotting.

“Kyle, why do they have to know? If they can play games with us, why can't we do so as well?”

“Hmm. Huh, true. It's just a few lies.”

“We'll been seen together in public when the occasion calls for it.”

“And we're done when we go off to college. Madeleine, it's an easy plan. Let's do it.”

Madeleine looks Kyle in the eye as she reaches out her hand out to him. “Shake on it. Deal?”

“Deal.”

————— Madeleine’s Collage Acceptance

“Madeleine, explain to me why I am holding this acceptance letter from the University of South California.” Madeleine’s mother raises the paper into the air while shaking it towards her.

“Simple, mother. I’m attending USC. You know, I’m surprised it took this long for you to find out. You’re loosing your touch.” Madeleine gives a bitter laugh, “You should have snuck into my room much sooner and found this letter.” Madeleine shrugs, “Now it is too late.”

“Hell it is, child! What do mean it's too late?! You can't go if I don't sign the admission papers.”

“Oh, but mother you did. Just like you've signed so many other things you don't know about. You see, mother darling, I perfected your signature quite a while ago.” Madeleine's mother tries to keep her stoic facade, “Is that so, you insolent chid? Well then, do really think you can get away with it this time, once I prove it was you.” Madeleine’s shrill laugh just excites herself more as she looks her mother in the eyes because Madeleine knows she has won.

“Oh mother, mother, mother. That would be problem, except the final paperwork was notarized and also signed by ‘Kyle’s’ mother as the witness. You have friends, well I have friends too. Friends that want out from under their parents thumb as just as much as I do. It's amazing the plans our little group is able to execute. We simply learned from the best, our parents. You should be proud.” Madeleine scoffs as she folds her arms in front of her, while her mother finally loses her composure and throws the nearest vase to the floor.

“Then share with me your perfect plan to pay for four years at a university which you cannot afford since I will cut you off from any financial support, dearest.” Her mother takes an aggressive step forward, accentuated by the crunch of the glass.

“Oh, mother. Just a few minutes ago you called me a child. I do believe eighteen is considered an adult, correct? Fortunately for me my trust fund from farther’s parents only required me to be eighteen on withdrawal. You know how much they left me, more than I need for this, actually. I thank you and father so much for signing the funds over to me.” Now Madeleine takes a step towards her mother.

“Your father wouldn't dare.”

“You are correct, but” as she speaks Madeleine rolls her eyes. “really mother think through this. If I can forge your signature what about father’s and others…” Madeleine trails off.

“You couldn't without us actually being at the bank. It's impossible!” Madeleine takes another step toward her mother, with a smug smile.

“I guess we children have outsmarted the masters. See, wielding your name everywhere whilst demanding the same kind of special treatment your…” Madeleine pauses as she looks for the word, “….flavor of speech to those below you majorly worked against you. Karma's a bitch, isn't she. It was too easy. Just a notarized letter from you and father, an unsuspecting newer bank employee, and the promise of your wrath so easily did the trick.” Smirking, Madeleine continues.

“You remember the account you opened for the transferring of funds to me as payment for following along with your schemes? Well once the trust funds were transferred into that account, I wired them to a new account. A new account I opened at a different bank in SoCal where you don't know anyone. Banks just make opening accounts online so easy these days.” Madeleine shrugs and walks past her mother looking over her shoulder with a wide grin, stopping when just behind her.

“So, Mother dearest, thank you for teaching me these life ‘lessons’ I’ll take with me wherever I go.” Madeleine’s mother stands in shock as her daughter turns to give her a sarcastically loving pat on her shoulder.

“Oh, and mother dearest, you may want to look over some of the changes you faxed your lawyer in your upcoming divorce from Daddy. Again, it's amazing the hoops and laws your friends will break when threatened by ‘you’.”

————— Madeleine’s Freshman Year at USC - End of Fall Term

Madeleine just finished her last final exam when she walks to her dorm room to find mismatched boxes in the hallway in front of her room. A smirk crosses her face as she sees her roommate furiously packing up all her belongs.

“Madeleine, I can't take being around you as you design all your plots while your little henchmen, er, hench-girls, fall at your feet. I’ve been a target way too many times as well.”

Madeleine’s smug smile is accented by her tone. “Aw, but Kasey, I have had so much fun with you.” Her shrill laugh fills the room. “Although it's true the fun I love most is with my roomie at her expense. None the less, I will be so sad to see you go.” With a new serious tone Madeleine continues.  “Ugh, a new roommate to break in now.”

“Except, Madeleine,” Kasey flashes a winning smile, “no one will room with you.”  Once again, Madeleine's shrill laughs fills the room.

“Oh Kasey, Kasey, Kasey, even better. That's one goal I’ve been working toward. Think of the things I can plan now that I'm alone.”

“You know what, Madeleine? Someday all your skims will catch up you. The wicked never truly find rest.”

Tags - @client-327 @dcbbw @carabeth @drakensworld @purplegreyshrimp @ownworldresident

It's been ages! Sorry! This is the last tag list I have for Uncertainties. If you would like to be removed or added, please just message me. 😊

[kivaqblog-blog]

Migraines, Chelsea, and Class Privilege

tl;dr: I went to Callen-Lorde Clinic yesterday, and they gave me something that fixed my migraines! But quite by accident, I got a close look at some class differences among queers which I normally don't see in person. Details below.

I’d thrown up twice at 2 or 3 am over the last week, and after the second time I’d had enough, as in I couldn’t take another night like that. It turned out that I had a low-grade fever, about 99.7 F. (37.6 C.). Pat, whom I was referred to — hi, Pat! thx! — gave me a pill I’ve never heard of and it worked, finally stopped the pain. I should’ve gone sooner, but I kept trying the tools in my allergy kit. I even went to my acupuncturist. Nothing worked for long.

After she evaluated me, Pat said that I probably have a virus too. Plus allergies, which trigger migraines: she has the same problem and said the warm-cold-warm-freezing weather we're having just makes it worse. I'm glad I went, even though I'll see my doctor, Eunmee, on Monday. Everyone’s on a first-name basis at C-L, which in itself takes away some of the tension around having to go to the doctor. They’re considerate of things that other clinics don't even think of.

A lot of the patients at C-L don’t have private insurance. There was a table out front to help people with it, and a nice young man who seemed mostly bored did ask if I needed insurance help. I smiled and said no, I’m fine, and he smiled and nodded like he knew I’d say that.

There was a big poster saying injectible estrogen is finally available again (some kind of corporate nonsense left thousands without E shots for nearly a year; I use patches, I was lucky). They have pronoun stickers for patients, and put their own pronouns on their ID badges. It’s a nice place, even when the pharmacy gets crowded. Some of us are regulars because we’re trans and are just having our health monitored as we transition. I look forward to my visits, usually, unless I have a migraine. But most people who come there do need medical help because they’re sick, like I did yesterday, and aren’t happy to have to be there.

_______

They said I could see Pat at 1 pm, so I went out to have lunch. I went to the first place I could find, a Le Pain Quotidien (Fr., “daily bread”). Usually I go into an LPQ for a cheese danish. This time I asked for chai and three mini-madeleines. I tried four times to get the young woman behind the counter to call me “ma’am,” but every time I tried, I just got this tilted-head non-response with silly-grin thing, really overdone, by way of a response, as if she not only couldn’t understand wtf I was saying, but was moreover momentarily rendered mute by it. “It’s ‘ma’am,’ actually.” Tilt, grin. “It’s ‘ma’am,’ not ‘sir.’” Tilt, grin.

So finally I directly told her, but she still acted like I was speaking Martian, unless I was ordering or paying for madeleines and chai, ffs. On reflection (I was eating madeleines, after all, and thinking about the past, there’s a Proust reference for French lit fans), I decided she was actually treating me as if I were stupid, and hoping I’d just go away.

I assume she must’ve had some personal reason which overrode all other considerations of courtesy and tact and required her to play dumb about transgender people. Like she’d never even seen one on tv. Which, I understand, has become more and more unlikely in recent years.

At least she stopped ‘sirring' me after the first four times. Which made it clear, on reflection, that she did hear me, and understood me, and knew exactly what I was and what I wanted. Yet she seemed physically unable to either use my proper honorific or explain why she wouldn’t or couldn’t. As if she’d never heard of such a thing. Even though I had long silver hair, was wearing earrings, two pendants, and a shoulder bag.

Which is sort of odd, really, because once they appeared every customer there looked queer, or at least were having lunch with someone queer. As my son said recently of a webcomic about college students, “Assume everyone is gay unless otherwise noted.” This is Chelsea after all, Ninth Avenue and West 16th. It’s where you live if you’re queer and rich.

I took my chai, mini-madeleines, and honorific and sat in the back. I began trying to use my phone’s keyboard to send Kathleen an update, and cursing at it, quietly, as is my wont. I had a migraine, and they come with a bad mood. At least it’s quiet in here, I thought. It was noon.

When I looked up again, there were flowers and condiments on the tables. People were streaming in and were being seated by a waiter. Suddenly the coffee joint turned into a charming little French resto with lots of vegetarian and lactose-free options. I had no idea this would happen, and it looked like they were going to let me finish my chai at my own pace.

But I asked for a menu anyway, on a hunch, and found what I wanted: a croque-monsieur on sourdough. It’s a French ham and cheese sandwich, more or less, toasted, and they served it with three kinds of mustard, one of them a lot like the mustard found on every single table in every café in Paris. I was so happy.

Soon I realized the people to my left were speaking French. The two on my right with MacBooks open were speaking German. There was a sharp corner I sat next to with no room for a table, so I had space to leave my coat and bags where they were on the bench. I wasn’t in anyone’s way.

Then I realized that, except for the one guy in the back with a laptop who looked like a wifi regular, everyone else had poured into this place at high noon. They were lunch regulars.

I was quite surprised. But the croque was great. And of course, I could afford it.

The others, one and all, looked like they could afford this and then some, if you know what I mean. They were there for the French food, and probably considered it a bargain; my croque was $12 plus tip, but it was worth it to me.

I overheard snippets of creativity-related convos, like, “so do you still want to dance?” (as in, do you still want to be a dancer?) They were all well-dressed. They all appeared to be cis. They all appeared to be white.

They mostly appeared to be male, too. I’m not very good at spotting transfolx who are trying to pass and are good at it, but I didn’t see anyone else in there who was overtly gender-variant.

They were all young, or nearly so, cute, fashionable, that sort of thing. I hate to generalize, but I looked around and, jeez Louise, I was surrounded by New York A-List types. People who keep summer houses at The Pines on Fire Island. This is not a world I’ve ever been part of.

Looking back now, it felt like the kind of place that, before transgender rights were added to the city anti-discrimination ordinance, would’ve turned away someone dressed like me, claiming that they were full, or that you needed a reservation, or would’ve made me leave once lunch started. I used to hear stories.

______

And that’s how I accidentally got a close-up look at a self-selected sample of contemporary Chelsea. I felt scruffy, because I hadn’t shaved, and felt generally out of place . No one here had exotic haircuts or lots of tattoos, which tbph are the kind of queers I feel more comfortable around these days. I stopped arguing with my phone over whether “transfolx” is a word and focussed on eating my croque, trying the different mustards. Then I paid with my AmEx gold card and left.

When I got back to the clinic I paid more attention to who appeared to be in which socioeconomic classes, at least visibly, especially people waiting to get a prescription filled or have lab work done. Since it seemed to take the pharmacy a solid hour to put ten pills in a bottle and give them to me — I saw six or eight people called ahead of me, wtf? — I got a chance to consider this at length, pausing to check the time on my phone every three minutes.

By the time it was ready, the school rush had started back in Brooklyn. I was so sick I did something I try to never do: call a Lyft and take a car home from Manhattan. $28 plus tunnel toll = $36, I think. Sitting there in the lobby, fiddling with the pickup location, I realized I was edging back into that other world, the world of queer people who can afford shit like lunch at French restaurants, really nice clothes, and a whiff of attitude, and who take cabs everywhere. I can only afford lunch and cabs occasionally, but it’s still another world, the one I spend most of my time in.

_______

There’s a good chance that none of us would’ve been in that restaurant if there hadn’t been a Stonewall Riot 48 years ago, a gay liberation movement composed of scruffy argumentative activists who would’ve been horrified if you could go back in time and tell them that one result is prosperous queers eating lunch at a place like this. It looked like they were all members or aspired to membership of the most privileged classes in the NYC queer community, all creative types or professionals of some kind, either talking business or taking a break from it. This is Chelsea in 2017: Le Pain Q. is two blocks from Callen-Lorde, but it’s a world away.

It was cold as fuck outside, with high winds, which was my other excuse for calling a car. I watched it approach on the phone, then I left a clinic always full of patients who could never afford to call a car on the spur of the moment, no matter how sick they were, and who would probably never go to LPQ, even to buy a coffee and danish. I got in my little bit of wheeled privilege, paid with my thumbprint, and went back to Brooklyn.

[distinguisheddepressiondetector]

Unrequited Love (and crushes) Letters - 10(ish) years laters

Dylan O - I really REALLY loved you, still do actually, but I'm finding I was never of interest to you and will never be and I'm learning to let it all go. It really upsets me that we never even gave it a shot but the odds were stacked against me anyways. I wanna cry sometimes when I think of you because you taught me about love. I still carry those lessons around with me. Hope you do as well, and I hope you still think of me too.

Jarod C - I really regret having not said anything to you. I really liked you. You're the second person I've ever had such strong feelings towards. To be 100% honest with you I'm pretty sure I had been IN love with you since 6th grade, when we first met in Mrs. Beck's Home Ec class. I remember sharing the pain of being assigned to the same table as Madeleine. We became, kind of, friends through this but I don't know what ended up happening. I just remember seein you the next year and being like 'woah, damn. He's really cute.' I didn't think it was anything major but man I should have. We never really talked much in 7th grade cause of the fact we didn't have any classes together but man did my heart flutter when I saw you and that's some good stuff. Took a long time to figure it out, but eventually I did. Aaaaaaand then I never said anything the following year when we had homeroom together (because I'm dumb). I did this a thing that I think I that was flirting but I don't know. I don't think you noticed so it was clearly bad. Not sure exactly when my feelings got that strong but I don't regret the doing so. I see pictures of you every nowand again, you seem so dam happy and honestly I'm glad. You and your girlfriend are very cute together; sometimes I wonder if I wasn't such a damn coward maybe we could've been like that.

Hunter T - When I realized I liked you, I thought maybe it was too late. There were lost of moments where I was 100% sure we doing that flirting thing, but my self-esteem was too low for me to really see the truth. Or maybe I was full of myself for even thinking you were flirting with me. I really liked you, I just want you to know that.

Moshe - The most embarrassing moment with you was when I was like, 9-ish years old. I had a crush on you and my auntie told me that to impress you I should (sexily) grind on a wall for you. So I did, never again will I ever but I liked so I wanted to give it a shot. My crush was forgotten for a few years but then you started dating my best friend and that made me really jealous but I got over and in time (like a month) I got over you.

Ethan F - You were the first boy I had ever dated and honestly you made it underwhelming and stressful. There was A LOT of miscommunication and misunderstanding. It's actually because of you I now verbalize how I feel to people in a clear manner etc. It took me a really long time but I finally accepted the fact that I did indeed like you. Before I would lie to myself and say that I hated you but that was never the full truth. The truth is I liked you (never in like, like kind of way), and you would say you liked me too (but in a like like kind of way) it never really felt that way. You didn't break my heart but you left a sour taste in my mouth.

Kyle M - I had a crush on you in like the 6th grade. Anything I did around you was never rational. I remember one time you smacked my ass (literally all my fault though) in social studies. You started dating this redhead so I hated her because you guys were together. I found out about your dating her very late because the next day I heard you guys broke up. I was so happy, but than I began to have this sinking feeling you were interested in my best friend (I mean who wouldn't be she was gorgeous), so I kinda backed off after that. We never actually had any convos together but somehow I ended up liking you (but after like 4 months I snapped out of it and back into reality)

Matthew A - I remember how we first met. You opened your stupid big fat mouth in the 4th grade. I was walking with my class to the playground and your were coming back inside. I honestly do not remember what you said but I do know it made me so angry I kicked you in the shin and got time out for that. After that it was a 98% hate 2% mild interest of our (odd) relationship. I admitted to you in the 8th grade that in elementary school I thought you were cute and you would bring that up like every single fucking time I called you ugly. We also had a very awkward conversation of me being virgin, and for some very odd reason you seemed very interested in that fact. Even so over the years I came to like you, not "like, like" you but like you (did have a lowkey crush on you tho, lol). I actually considered us friends and I hope you did too.

Aziz G - Honestly you moving away was world shattering. I liked texting you late nights when we couldn't sleep. You literally introduced me to Owl City's Vanilla Twilight, and for that I will be eternally grateful!! I get really nostalgic liatening to that song. You never told me who you had a crush on, not gonna lie I was hoping it was me. You know with the whole vanilla twilight thing, but alas I'm very stupid and didn't pick up on that until I was in my freshman year of highschool. 2 years later!!! I finally figured it out.

Steven C - You were really funny. I enjoyed being in class with you. You literally left as if you were my only friend for a while. I know I ignored you once at the rec center but that was because I had my hair shaved and was ashamed of my hairless head. I realky liked you too, and you were the first of a few people that I came to learn I'm not great a picking up signals... I think and I'm just a coward. I wanted us to be great friends and I thought going to the same middle school would do that but things didn't work out that way. I wanted to tell you I like you but I was never able to, so I gave up.

Michael D - Started to think you like me because you'd always look at me in choir and stuff but I think I was wrong. Probably just feelin' myself for no reason. There were plenty of people much more worthy of you than me. I hope your doing better! I wish I hadn't acted like such a stranger we could have been closer!