#Just thinking about the Julia Roberts scene- one makes fun of her and the other cries a little lmao those shop ladies are so mean

[dwreader]

How do you go about figuring out what references the show is making (besides the ones they just say directly)??

Ohh ykw on this show I think they hit you over the head with so many both allusions and direct callouts that its almost more like trying to figure out which ones are true thematic references and which are just fun little namedrops. For example Daniel mentioning Kevin Durant imo is just a pop culture/worldbuilding namedrop to show that he's a ~cool guy~ from brooklyn and goes to basketball games (and to further establish these characters live in OUR world with the same celebrities). We're not meant to read Kevin Durant's bio on wikipedia and think of all the deep parallels. On the other hand, my pal blueiight has brought up that Basquiat paintings hanging around the penthouse could be read more deeply about the two men's biographies but maybe you don't necessarily HAVE to get the reference to understand the show. It's like an easter egg.

Also some references are simply bc modern tropes all stem from some origin and not the show deliberately making the connection, like yk the gothic romance tropes are abounding in this story and its not necessarily the show directly being like hey guys this is just like Jane Eyre! imma right? rather the conventions are so ingrained in our culture now that they bleed into everything. Or like my My Fair Lady posts it's like is this really a My Fair Lady specific thing or is it cause all professor/student or mentor/mentee romantic fiction all kind of stems from Pygmalion?? Anyways I'm gonna put the rest under a read more cause it's gonna be long af. sorry.

The ones I tend to take really seriously are books, plays, etc where the show goes out of its way to give you a bit of plot summary like Iolanta (blind princess who doesn't know she's a princess) where Louis crying at the opera kinda like Julia Roberts crying at La Traviata in Pretty Woman signals a thematic parallel between the characters (shoutout to slaygentford for that post that changed the world). Whereas they don't for Don Pasquale so while that's like a little funny joke cause its heheh its also about an old ass man looking for a wife that's like less serious to me than Iolanta. Louis casually reading Madame Bovary as his voiceover says he was "neglecting the duties of the role Claudia mocked me for the unhappy housewife" is a clear HELLO LOOK HERE moment, as well as Louis reading Edward Carpenter's book about marriage trying to regain his sight after his beating. Whereas I think him reading the Origin of Species is just like aww he's so cute and intellectual trying to find a scientific reason for his eating disorder.

A Doll's House is the biggest one imo cause it's both a direct callout in ep2 (Lestat mentions not wanting to miss the opening scene of Nora and the Christmas tree) and an allusion in ep7 (Louis shown decorating a Christmas tree), AND the "doll" theme runs throughout most of the show so even if you know nothing about that play, there's like hints being thrown at you with Louis bringing paper dolls to the twins bday party, decorating Claudia's room full of dolls and Lestat designing his Mardi Gras outfit like he's a doll. Maybe you've never read or heard Nora's monologue where she says all her life she's been treated like a doll and now she treats her children like dolls too cause she doesn't know anything else but you can literally SEE the dolls on the shelf in Claudia's room.

Streetcar is also the other one that the show is so so soooo obviously Leonardo Dicaprio pointing meme at itself. Even if you've never read the play or seen the movie, the image every fucking person on earth recognizes is Marlon Brando in a wifebeater cause that quite literally changed the course of pop culture history and male sex symbols AND you probably know STELLLAAAAA!!!!! These are both referenced quite directly by the show with Lestat wearing wifebeaters in ep5,6 and 7 and in Lestat's attempts to get Louis back after the DV as that's literally the context of STELLAAA he's screaming her name after he got kicked out for beating her btw if you even care. Plus they are riding an actual streetcar in ep7 even though they have a car??? and they're way too rich to be taking public transportation like what's that about.. unless!

Then you have things that Rolin has brought up himself in interviews like Bogie & Bacall (famously massive age gap hehe), John Cassavettes films (I would say Faces and A Woman Under the Influence as the primary sources of that comp), Francis Bacon art that you can definitely pick out from the show as well! So this show is chock full of cool references and inspirations and its very cool that people are being introduced to some of these older pieces of media through the show!!

[getmemymicroscope]

It's been ages since I read this book, and whilst it wasn't my favorite Grisham, it was one I did enjoy at the time (I think I've enjoyed essentially every Grisham novel while reading it - even if, at the end of most of them, you walk away a bit sad/depressed by the ending).

And I had seen a clip of this movie on the TV at some point somewhere ages ago, that has remained sorta fixed in my brain - the scene where Callahan dies. ... Not exactly best scene to draw you into wanting to watch a movie. Which is why we sit here, almost 30 years from the release date of the movie, and I've just now gotten around to watching the full movie.

Like most of the Grisham 'legal thriller' movie adaptations, it is fun - though it's clearly also very condensed down from the book (with good reason, sure, but still). Denzel Washington and Julia Roberts are excellent, though by having an essentially 'macguffin'-type of villain - and a 'macguffin'-type of brief for most of the movie - you are sort of only catching part of the thrill that you get in other thrillers, I feel.

I mean, there's still plenty going on - Stanley Tucci in a very un-2023 "what do you think of when you think of Stanley Tucci" role, and plenty of other attempts at their lives, especially towards the end. And it is engaging in that way. And, honestly, I don't fully remember the story in the book (time for a re-read, maybe), but I only now fully understand why it is called the pelican brief.

Though, honestly, it seems more like just "law student does some brainstorming and puts her thoughts down on paper" - and the fact that so many people end up dead over it is a bit crazy.

And, man, 1993 - the computers, the corded phones, the sitting in the library and pulling out all the reference books, the not being able to look up the images of the people you're going to meet for the first time... so much has changed since then.

During the video they're watching, I thought he mentioned a date in September - but then, when he's calling everyone to get commments, I thought I heard him say April. Additionally, for some reason I thought she asked Verheek to wear a red shirt as well. Maybe I was just imagining things though - I am very tired.

It's not The Firm or Runaway Jury, but it still does a passable job of being enthralling and fun. And very real about how all of the money-hungry people are assholes.

Still waiting for them to make an adaptation of The Partner.

[whoree321]

the bad batch + what romance/rom com movies they watch with you

each of the bad batch x gn!reader

ok first and foremost i really truly believe to the pits of my soul that every single one of these fuckos loves romances and you cannot under any circumstances change my mind

ALSO it’s a gender neutral reader except kinda in echo’s theres like a very brief quote regarding breasts but like i still think even that is pretty gender neutral tbh

so anyway

Hunter: Pretty Woman

this is not the first time that i have publicly declared that i think hunter has a deep rooted connection to the movie pretty woman and it will not be the last

first of all this movie is incredibly soothing to hunters overwhelming savior complex

second of all hunter is literally richard gere (debonaire but emotionally distant gentleman that learns to love) and julia roberts (hooker with a heart of gold) at the same time

he was a little skeptical the first time you put it on but he instantly fell in love with it

the humor, the sensuality, the class divide, the glamour, the unconventional cinderella story of it all. it just really butters his bread

after the first time, when you suggest watching a movie and you pick this one he’ll act very aloof about it (“whatever you want cyar’ika, it doesn’t matter to me”) but secretly he’s really really happy bc it’s one of his favorites (you def know this and def pick it more often)

he absolutely hates the scene when stucky the lawyer hits vivian. like it doesn’t matter how many times he watches it he will fully turn his head away from the screen and say “I don’t like this part” and when it’s over he nuzzles a little closer into you and very tenderly kisses your forehead

he loves the soundtrack too. like he fully exposes how much he likes the movie when you catch him singing or humming “pretty woman” or “it must have been love” absently to himself (you kept it to yourself for a while but eventually you just had to tease him about it. he just smiled a little sheepishly and admitted he liked the songs before promptly changing the subject)

hunter also lowkey definitely wants to recreate the ending where richard gere shows up to her apartment in the white limo with you bc he thinks it’s such a sweet gesture and he wants to treat you like royalty

Crosshair: 10 Things I Hate About You

if there’s one thing about crosshair it’s that he’s a sucker for the enemies to lovers genre

maybe its just him projecting (spoiler alert it most certainly is) but he really enjoys watching the drama conflama of a miserable bastard be tricked into love

and really that’s the true essence of 10 Things I Hate About You

he will grumble and bitch and moan about not wanting to watch a ‘chick flick’ when you put it on, but 15 minutes in and he’s hooked

he has strong negative opinions on literally every single character except for kat and patrick

(crosshair really really wants to think he’s patrick but when it comes down to it he is katarina stratford in every single possible way)

he doesn’t say a word throughout the entire movie but you can tell when he’s annoyed at like bianca or cameron or joey bc he will openly scoff at them

will absolutely hum along in your ear during the “can’t take my eyes off you” scene and make out with you during the paintball scene

(seriously he wants to be patrick verona so bad)

when it’s over and you ask him what he thought he’ll roll his eyes and say “i guess it could have been worse” but his little smirk let’s you know he enjoyed it a lot more than he’s willing to admit

Tech: 50 Shades of Grey

ok hear me out on this one

tech is a huge movie talker. like subtitles are a non-negotiable if you wanna be able to take in any of the movies dialogue bc tech is most likely gonna make commentary over it the whole time

this makes him absolutely indescribably so much fun to watch bad/corny movies with

he will go off about EVERYTHING. the plot, the dialogue, the acting, the costuming, the music, the production quality. nothing and no one is safe. whether you just enjoy letting him talk at you or you join in on the roast, cheesy movies are a hoot between you two

and honey. 50 shades is one of THE cheesiest movies ever

you and tech will literally spend the entire duration of the movie tearing it to shreds

and the thing is tech is a very sarcastic, funny guy when he wants to be (and when it comes to you he definitely wants to be) so by the end of it he will have you in absolute stitches from laughing at the ridiculousness of both the movie and him

with any of the other batchers watching a movie like this either turns into a shy, slightly awkward experience (wrecker, echo) or an incorrigibly horny experience (crosshair, hunter)

but in this context tech literally has no shame or squeamishness about sexual things (why should he it’s a natural biological process?) so to yall the sex stuff is just another thing to roast

literally christian grey could be fully tying dakota johnson down and flogging her and tech will be like “in the last 3 minutes they have panned up to her nipples 4 times. this is criminally shoddy cinematography”

even tho he’s busy giving a detailed play by play critique, he never fails to keep some sort of physical contact with you (wrapping an arm around you and running his hand up and down your skin, playing with your fingers or your hair) so you know he’s enjoying spending this time with you despite his nasty words about the movie

also 1000% after you watch it tech will do extensive research on the ins and outs of bdsm and will have lots of hypotheses he wants to test out (as long as you’re willing and able ofc) ;)))

Wrecker: 13 Going On 30

of all the bad batch members, wrecker is the only one who unabashedly loves any movie that could be considered a chick flick

like he doesn’t even try to hide it or act like he’s too masculine for it. he loves romance and he’s proud of it

this man will have full marathons with you. rom coms, regular roms, tragic roms, hallmark roms, you name it and he’s game

his absolute favorite tho is 13 Going On 30

i feel like he has a huge soft spot for childhood best friends to lovers stories like he finds that type of lifelong partnership so endearing (and he loves to live vicariously through jenna since that type of romance was obviously never an option for him)

wrecker is also very childlike at heart and i think the idea of a 13 year old sweetheart trapped inside the body of a 30 year old cut throat magazine exec is so amusing to him (and maybe makes him feel just a little bit represented in the media)

he is definitely the type to completely engulf you in a cuddle for the entirety of the movie and he DEFINITELY cries into your shoulder at matty’s wedding when jenna is crying on the stoop with her dream house

he wants to try razzles so bad. like so bad. i think if he ever came across them somewhere he would barter at least one of his brothers for them

wrecker really just loves love and watching movies about it just reminds him of how lucky he is to have his own love story with you <3

Echo: The Princess Bride

i feel like it’s glaringly obvious why echo loves this movie

pirates. sword fighting. decades long revenge plots. the value of an honorable, loyal man. true love that never wavers even in the face of devastating tragedy and the darkest of hardships. clever but goofy humor.

echo considers this an action/adventure movie and NOT a romance movie (even tho it 100% totally is a romance movie) and requests to watch it very frequently

he can quote the whole thing. i’m seriously telling you echo loves the princess bride with his whole chest

even tho he refuses to admit it’s a love story above all else, he really does try to model himself in your relationship after wesley

like especially given what happened at the citadel and all the time you thought he was dead, the cinematic parellels are alive and present in y’alls relationship and he strives to be even half the man to you that wesley is to buttercup

literally in your day to day life he will sometimes respond to your requests with a smooth “as you wish ;)” (it doesn’t matter how many times he does it it still gives you butterflies)

when you watch the movie, he snuggles as close to you as possible and does his best to make youre comfy the whole time (he’s insecure about his prosthetics hurting you no matter how much you reassure him they don’t)

he just loves to be able to feel your heartbeat and your laugh when you giggle at the funny bits

every single time without fail at the part when buttercup is about to stab herself he leans down, ghosts his lips against the shell of your ear, and whispers the line in time with wesley: “there’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. it would be a pity to damage yours”

every single time without fail you wind up making out until he pulls away and tells you to watch the next part when wesley challenges humperdinck to a duel to the pain

echo just loves you to bits and wants you to know he’d endure a thousand fire swamps for you

Omega: Clueless

i have this really specific obsession with omega being a total girly girl and having very traditionally feminine interests as she keeps experiencing the universe and being exposed to a spectrum of gender expression beyond clone (masc and boring) and kaminoan (ugly)

so with that headcanon of her in mind, it’s vital to me that she sees clueless as soon as possible

clueless is an essential piece of media for a girl entering adolescence and i will die on this hill

it has literally everything you want and everything you need to develop into a well-rounded young woman

it’s so deliciously 90s and glamorama and valley girl humor and camp. its got meaningful female friendships and valuable life lessons and paul mf rudd

if there’s one thing you should encourage a burgeoning hetero teen girl to do, it’s to stick to dating guys like paul rudd in clueless. the earlier this message can be broadcast the better

the second you’re able to steal omega away from hunters watchful eyes (“hunter we’re just gonna watch finding nemo i swear!”) you show her this movie

at this point omega is not really a girly girl, but omega also has absolutely zero feminine influence in her life

the first time she sees clueless she is absolutely obsessed. like seriously she is so enamoured with the glitz and glam of cher horowitz

she asks you questions the entire time. she wants to know about EVERYTHING. the makeup, the clothes, the hair, the slang

(she definitely goes around saying stuff like “i’m totally bugging” for long enough afterwards that almost all of the boys have slipped up at least once with some ridiculous valley girl slang. you thought you were gonna die of laughter when you overheard tech say “as if!” to wrecker in the middle of an argument)

it just really introduces her to this whole world of femininity that she didn’t even know existed and she absolutely loves it

she makes you watch clueless with her seriously once a week at minimum. she begs you to style her hair like tai’s and you can’t help yourself when you happen to run across a little yellow plaid dress and buy it for her on sight

(hunter was gonna scold you for recklessly spending credits until he saw how omega almost cried from how happy she was for the gift)

honestly she enjoys the romance of it all and paul rudd is def her first celebrity crush but she enjoys more that you and her now have this special thing of hair and nails and pretty dresses

she loves how confident and beautiful and special you’re able to make her feel, and you love that you get to bring her that small sense of normalcy and happiness

[dtrhwithalex]

TV | Élite: Historias Breves (2021)

Over the course of the week leading up to the release of the show's fourth season on 18 June 2021, Netflix released four instalments of 3-episode Élite short stories, filling in some of the time gap between the last and the upcoming season.

Non-spoiler-free thoughts on the different stories under the cut.

GUZMÁN, CAYE, REBE

I think out of the four shorts, I liked this one best. Probably because it was the most fun with the least amount of (relationship) drama. I also really enjoyed this combination of characters, because if memory serves, they did not generally hang out with each other much. Guzmán had Ander and Polo as well as Lu and later Nadia. Rebe was usually more around Samuel than anyone else. And Cayetana was, of course, with Polo.

I think out of the four shorts, I liked this one best. Probably because it was the most fun with the least amount of (relationship) drama. I also really enjoyed this combination of characters, because if memory serves, they did not generally hang out with each other much. Guzmán had Ander and Polo as well as Lu and later Nadia. Rebe was usually more around Samuel than anyone else. And Cayetana was, of course, with Polo.

Actually, I think this short is where I liked Caye best so far. Her character always annoyed me during the regular episodes and I've never really taken a liking to her, but she was good fun in these three short episodes. I've always liked Rebe, and Guzmán, while not a favourite, I always quite enjoyed watching. The three of them together did make for a great dynamic, I feel.

I really enjoyed them all completely high, each in their own little worlds, and then of course having to deal with the coke situation in that state. So many fantastic comedic beats in this episode. Caye's final acting bit was absolutely brilliant. The girl's a very talented grifter, I have to admit. Although playing on fear is, of course, one of the easier ways. And damn, those coke dealers definitely did not know how to deal with any of this. Two dead kids, coke everywhere, and a blood-covered hysterical girl screaming for her mom? Yeah, I probably would've bounced too at the sight of that, if I were them.

Yeah, I really like this one. I am very curious to see how the events here get picked up on in the upcoming season.

NADIA, GUZMÁN

I liked very much that this was the second short, that we get that tidbit of Guzmán being worried about the relationship in the first short, and then we get to see them in the second.

This short, overall, was very them. Lovely moments, a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication, but also quite fun. Guzmán and Nadia have a very intriguing relationship, I think. Their story has always been quite fascinating to me. They are from such different worlds and want such different things, but ultimately, they also really do care for each other and want this to work out.

I thought it was interesting that Nadia is the one to break their promise and goes to see Guzmán. I thought it would be the opposite, and he would show up randomly at her sister's wedding. Which, speaking of, I was not entirely sure I liked much. It felt so random, in a way. Unless I am mistaken -- which is possible as I haven't seen any of the previous seasons in a while now -- we have never heard about a third Shanaa sibling before, right? So this sudden appearance of a sister and the fact that she was getting married, felt very random and, well, sudden to me. But I guess we'll see how it shakes out over the whole of the season.

Overall, I did quite like this short, too. Guzmán trying his best to give Nadia an average date (loved that the blanket was a stained tablecloth. A+ for effort, Guzmán) was absolutely hilarious. And I really loved the phone call toward the end. They're a mess in person, but on the phone they are great. That was a very lovely moment.

OMAR, ANDER, ALEXIS

This one's quite depressing, huh. However, I did very much like that this picks up the mention of Omar and Ander from the first short and tells us what exactly happened.

Alexis is a very interesting character, and I think it gives Ander so much more depth, that we see him care about Alexis so much. I've always really liked Ander, and I thought he was great in this short (Aaron Piper is also just an excellent actor, let's be real).

Of course, we always get our comedic beats, and this, too, had some amazing ones. But largely, this one was a heavy one. Alexis' conversation with Ander in the pool and, especially, the final moment between the two at the hospital carried a lot of weight.

I do wonder how much we'll be seeing of Ander dealing with Alexis' departure during the fourth season, how he handles that goodbye and the knowledge that within two or three months, Alexis will have died.

I quite liked the conversation Omar had with Alexis, about how he behaved while Ander was sick, and how he understands what he is going through now, trying his best to help Alexis, make him happy. I think that will make for a certain solidity in his and Ander's relationship, and how Omar can help him deal with Alexis' departure and certain death.

CARLA, SAMUEL

The woman at the airport may have said that this isn't a Julia Roberts movie, but it very much felt like one. Samu showing up at the airport to stop Carla from leaving (well, not Julia Roberts, but my brain immediately went to LOVE, ACTUALLY), the whole "promise me when I come back you won't be here" bit, the sudden yet inevitable delayed flight, and of course also how the short ends with Carla leaving after all. Big Julia Roberts romcom energy right there.

Samu and Carla were never my favourites, to be honest. I liked Samu especially in scenes with Nano, and then later with Rebe, but I never really cared for his relationship dramas. While I did like Carla especially with Polo during their time with Valerio, I also did not much care for her.

Nevertheless, this short was quite lovely. Although I have to say the airport bit and Carla leaving were probably the parts I enjoyed the most. Samu's meltdown when he thinks Carla has left was also quite good. I do tremendously enjoy the acting in this show. And the language. Spanish is very sexy, even if I don't understand most of it and have to watch it with subtitles.

I wonder if this will be the end of this particular relationship and we get to see both of them move on in the next season, and this short therefore serves to put an actual end to it, or if we will see them together again at some point.

[images taken from the individual imdb pages]

[bisexual-maelstrom12]

Ranking the Lovelink Matches (a completely subjective list by moi)

22. Clementine Hill / Grace Kim

I already wasn’t into her because she’s a privileged rich girl who uses literary quotes to seem smart (but really it’s just obnoxious). But then she tells us she’s thinking about dumping us for her creepy old professor?? Girl needs an actual job so she can stop relying on her parents and a therapist for her daddy issues. 

21. Dominic Wright / Adam Johnson

I’m still pretty early on in the storyline here but so far I’m just bored. A “love” photography theme? Big yawn.

20. Liam Park / Min-Jae Lee

How Is Dating A K-Pop Star This BORING

19. Jake Gonzales / Zayn Kassab

The sexting is fun but honestly his film project sounds terrible and he needs to cool his feelings down like 200%. 

18. Angel Reed / Emmalyn Roberts

Look she’s amazing and gorgeous and the animals are ADORABLE but honestly I find her pretty boring compared to the other matches SORRY DON’T HATE ME

17. Antoine Dawson / Noah Cruz

He comes on too strong a lot but I dig the puppies and the sexual tension. I would absolutely enter a FWB relationship with him but nothing more. 

16. Albert Bishop / Jonathan Hayes

This ranking is subject to change bc tbh I swiped left on these boys at first (#fuckamericanimperialism). But then other matches finished up and I needed more content and y’know what? Albert’s pretty okay. I like his backstory so far and he’s sweet and sexy. Should def get out of the military tho. 

15. Stefan Silver / Oliver Black

I appreciate that he’s a more consent-friendly version of Christian Gray and I like the “defrosting ice king” trope. But I would much rather be using the riding crop on him than vice versa. >:)

14. Jamie Grant / Seth Evans

Jamie is kind of a weird match in that I LOVE his storyline but also the flirting is pretty weak?? Like, I literally would have had to pay gems for the first “date”. I’m not feeling much of a sexual connection here, but I’m all aboard the hacker kidnapping storyline. 

13. Austin Russo / Damien Jones

He’s rough around the edges but the character growth is pretty spectacular. Gotta save my boo from death row. 

12. Sam Knight / Michael Evans

Never thought I’d be into a jock frat boy but here we are. I like how I snarked at him constantly for a week and he still fell for me. Ghosting us after we call him out on his daddy issues is pretty weak tho. 

11. Samantha Clark / Aesha Nora

Okay she isn’t the greatest person or partner but cute gamer gf?? Yes please. And she can cook and bench press me too! *swoon* Also Fiction needs to be real asap. 

10. Sage Foster / Vitoria Voznesenky

Sage was one of my first matches and was my favorite for a while. Who doesn’t want a hot goth gf? But then she PUNCTURED MY LIP (does that even heal??) and almost ate me and I’m just not about that. Hopefully she can go give Baba Yaga a talking to and get that curse removed.

9. Skylar Quinn / Jaden Bower

So making us commit a crime and then ditching us on the first date wasn’t cool, and I’m not much for a “rebel without a cause,” but then Skylar hit me with his tragic backstory and, well, I’m weak y’all. Also he’s so smart and snarky and sexy and I want him to achieve his dreams.

8. Eve Rockwood / Alice Martin

Look I’m still pissed at Eve for ditching us in Ibiza. But also I would absolutely drop everything to follow a hot girl to Japan. 

7. William Crome / Julien Alexandre

I was never really into the whole dating a vampire thing but William just does it for me. I think it’s the hair and the old timey fashion. And he told off his mom for me, which is more than I can say about SOME of these matches.

6. Hugo Hornsby / Marco Bottazzi

Hugo is lowkey a garbage human who absolutely emotionally cheated on his long-term fiance with us. So why do I love him so much?? Idk, could be my trash taste in men, could be my love of geeks, could be the delicious drama of his plotline. Hugo pls come back from ur convo with ur fiance and d*ck us down already. 

5. Kayla Summers / Jasmin Medina

Kayla/Jasmin is objectively the most badass match in Lovelink. She’s hot, ambitious, and didn’t ghost me for a dumb reason. She can kill it in heels AND kill actual killers! Get you a girl who can do both!

4. Raphael Becker / Wyatt Moore

The creepy cult plot is fascinating and Raph is the perfect combination of sweet/romantic and hott. That dream date was amazing. Pls Lovelink, when will my husband* come back from the war**?

* musician boyfriend

** creepy cult village

3. Ryan Byrne

Ryan is lowkey my perfect guy--sweet, nerdy, and SO SEXY OMG. I need his sex scene so bad pls. Also he might have caused the zombie apocalypse and that’s very interesting of him. I’m hooked on his story and I want his **** hooked in my *****. 

2. Milena Sarafian / Ana Samarine (also maybe the same route as Ruby Thomas and Julia Greene?? Idk I’m pretty confused by this whole situation)

Apparently my ideal type is an adorable yet sexy computer who discovers love and how to be human through interacting with me. I should probably go watch that Her movie.

1. Cpt. Muffin

CAT. SHY BOY. <3.

[in-my-head-i-do-everything-right]

Hallie - “you had it figured out since you were in school/everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool.”

you’ve had it figured out since you were in school. everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool

Part of the reason why Allie even sends in that self-tape for that Disney show is because Cassandra tells her not to. She’s feeling rebellious. She’s thirteen.

Only then she gets a callback. And then a skype call with a casting director. And then another call but with the creator of the show. And then she’s across the country, out in sunny LA (it’s December, and it’s snowing back in West Ham, and this shift in weather is really freaking her out).

She gets through one audition. And then two.

She gets the part.

And maybe the show won’t even last a whole season. Maybe it’ll be cancelled before it even airs. Maybe she’ll hate her castmates. Or just LA in general. And, God, she can’t sing. Does Disney know that? Do they expect a music career out of her? Maybe this is all she’ll ever be known for.

But then Cassandra tells her to go for it, and then her family packs up and moves across the country, and suddenly… suddenly this is it.

-

Post-Disney, the first film she does is this small budget indie thing that films on location up in Oregon.

There’s a definite learning curve.

First of all, craft services sucks. Which makes her sound like a snob, but God, she is so used to these mini chocolate croissants available at all times. Like, on the last day of shooting that Disney show, she asked what bakery they were from. One of her co-stars had laughed at her like it was some kind of joke which honestly hurt more than the show ending.

Second of all, nature. As it turns out, shooting outside and shooting on a lot is a very different experience. And shooting out in the rain, which it is always doing in Oregon—twenty-four seven—is an… experience. But a fun experience. Really fun. Makes her think that maybe she’s doesn’t need the job security that Disney provided. Like, fuck that.

And, last of all, Harry Bingham. He gets a whole bullet on this stupid list because he’s the guy who thinks he’s somehow better than her because he got an Oscar nomination or something for a film just like this one. And he was twitter’s white boy of the month, something he is way too proud of. Like, he can’t even remember his twitter password, so why the fuck does he keep bring it up?

-

It’s really late and dark and a little cold. They’re sharing a fuzzy blanket because they could only find one and they both wanted it and when someone on set suggests they just share it neither could come up with an actual argument as to that’s a bad idea.

“You know,” he says, sort of out of nowhere, “my sister watched your show. I think she might be in love with you.”

“Oh,” Allie says, and she’s smiling at him. Not for the first time because, sadly, because he is way too funny for his own good. It’s upsetting. It’s not fair. “So, unlike you, she has taste?”

He scoffs, but he’s smiling too, very brightly. Maybe she doesn’t need the blanket. “I never said I didn’t like your show.”

She stares over at him, not trying to mask that look of surprise taking over her face. She’s just trying to picture him actually watching the show… and it’s not easy. It was a Disney show. It was stupid and immature and Harry fuckingBingham was most definitely not its target audience. She’s trying to picture him watching those commercials, the ones where she’d draw the logo with the fake wand.

Finally, she says: “Honestly, I wasn’t a huge fan of it.”

Harry lets out this light sort of snort, more an exhale than anything else. “Why’d you do it then?”

Allie shrugs. “It was a job. It was an opportunity. It was a chance that wasn’t gonna pass up just because I didn’t think it was some revolutionary thing.” She pauses, wrapping herself up just a little tighter in the blanket. “My family moved out here after I got the job. I was fourteen, and they gave up everything just so I could do this.”

“You’re good at this, Pressman,” he tells her, softly, and it’s stupid how much those words mean to her.

“Thanks, Harry.”

When they’re called back onto set, she swears his eyes linger a second longer than they probably should. That means something to her too.

-

They film a kissing scene in the rain, and she swears her heart stop for a half-a-second.

The director yells cut, and Allie can’t help it, the way she’s blinking up at him, a bit like he hung the stars in the sky, or whatever other sappy bullshit you feel when you start to realize—

It just didn’t feel fake for a moment there. On Disney, everything felt fake. She’s just not used to things being this natural.

(There are two fuzzy blankets waiting for them off set. They still share.)

-

Shooting ends on a Tuesday, and they fly back down to LA together on a studio provided jet.

Harry spends the flight tossing popcorn at her while she tries to watch Notting Hill.

“You’re being obnoxious, Bingham,” she says, one earbud out, turning to glare over at him.

He grins. “Just trying to keep you from falling in love with Hugh Grant.”

“Not possible. I’m already in love with him.”

“He’s old now.”

“Still hotter than you.”

“Not possible.”

“Verry possible.”

He scoffs. “And living vicariously through Julia Roberts isn’t healthy.”

“Oh, you know from experience, don’t you?”

“I actually met her once, at the Oscars.”

“God, everything with you always comes back to that Oscar nomination, doesn’t it, Bingham.”

He lets out this sharp, surprised laugh. She bites back a smile.

“I’ll introduce you to her one day,” he offers, it’s softer, more genuine than cocky. They’ve never talked about any sort of future, any sort of friendship that follows them past this film. Her breath catches in her throat. Her heart stops once again.

“I think I’d like that.”

-

She has a tiny guest part on some broadcast television sitcom. Craft services has those chocolate croissants. She wraps herself up in a fuzzy blanket and eats three.

She asks Harry if he’d want to grab coffee sometime.

He texts back yes almost immediately.

She wraps herself up just a little tighter.

-

She sits on the couch in Harry’s childhood home and watches her Disney show with his little sister.

“You’re even prettier in person,” Sarah tells her, almost unabashedly, and Allie blushes a light pink.

From beside her, Harry grins. “The Bingham’s have taste,” he says, his voice almost a whisper in her ear, and that makes her blush a dark pink.

“Sarah’s my favorite Bingham,” Allie announces, and the girl smiles and laughs and leans her head on Allie’s shoulder.

This feels a lot like family, she realizes, the soft familiarity of it all.

She likes it. She likes it a lot.

-

The morning Oscar nominations are announced, she wakes up beside him in his bed, wearing an old shirt of his, something warm and soft.

They lay in bed and eat chocolate croissants and wait for the call. And the sun hasn’t even risen yet—it’s so fucking early—but there’s something like adrenaline keeping her awake. God, it’s so stupid to be this attached to an award, a little statue that means practically nothing, but…

Harry lays his head in her lap. She plays with his hair.

“And if I don’t get nominated?” she asks, softly, carefully.

He stares up at her. “Then you find another script to fall in love with and do it all over again.”

“And if I do get nominated?”

“Then we figure out how to sneak snacks in the Dolby Theater and you write into your acceptance speech what an amazing guy I am.”

She’s laughing as the phone rings, and he’s sitting up to answer it. And then he’s smiling, smiling so wide, and that means—

Allie’s crying and beaming, and Harry’s holding onto her like he’s trying to keep her anchored, trying to keep her from floating away, and—

It feels a whole lot like everything was worth it.

She’s happy.

send me song lyrics and a pairing and i’ll write you a drabble

[ratingtheframe]

Everything wrong with... Ep 3 - Pretty Woman

*sigh* *big sigh*.  I’m back here giving you another politically charged review of a film I like to call a femmeçade:

Femmeçade /fɛm//fəˈsɑːd/ noun noun: femmeçade; plural noun: femmeçades; 1. A genre of films directed by men that forefront yet misinterpret the female narrative and representation on screen. "Pretty Woman is the worst femmeçade of them all in the way it depicts women as the lesser gender"  (definition by yours truly).

I have to say, I have never felt more compelled, more angry in my entire life to write such a review and tear this film down until there is nothing left but the underlining, prominent misogynistic aspects of this film. I am talking about the 1990s classic, Pretty Woman starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Now a musical, the film has survived three waves of feminism (if you count MeToo), and yet is still available to access for our entertainment. Even though censorship is less common in the Western World, the only good thing about watching Pretty Woman would be to see how vile and unacceptable it is in the eyes of our modern and ever changing society. It truly brought tears of anger to my eyes to watch such a film and see how its lead was shoved into the spotlight for a round or two of humiliation and prodding by the fingers and eyes of the male gaze. There is A LOT to go through here, so grab a snack and buckle in as I put Pretty Woman to shame.

Let's just start with the title itself Pretty Woman, a pretty lazy title for a film if you ask me. I understand it does what it says on the tin, like any title should, however the irksome thing about the film and title is what it’s selling. The lust and beauty of Julia Roberts as opposed to her character or story for that matter. Stood alongside Richard Gere in thigh high boots with her legs for days, months and years on show. We get it, Julia Roberts is a beauty, but why does a film have to focus on that sole part of her? By doing this it creates the idea that it’s her only asset and BOY does this film do a good job at reminding us just that. They’ve got the man’s vote and supposedly the woman’s seeing as the story is about them or who they’d like to be. WRONG, seeing as the crew behind Pretty Women were mostly men themselves. The writers, cinematographer, director, producers, best boys and gaffers, you name it. So who was this film for if it wasn’t to satisfy at least it's mostly male crew members?

Male satisfaction are the appropriate words to use when we are introduced to our leading lady in close up shots of her bra and knickers. Vivian is played by the highly talented and ordained Julia Roberts. Ever since seeing Erin Brodkovich which bagged her an Oscar in 2001, I’ve been in love with her spirit and confidence on screen. As we all know she is certainly one of Hollywood’s shiniest stars, up there with the elites like Meryl Streep, Viola Davis and Angelina Jolie. Why she decided to sign onto such a film, I would hate to speculate seeing as Feminism was more of a dirty secret than a positive movement back in the 1990s. Many (mostly men, though women too, especially those in the film business) would accuse the movement of threatening the comfortability and fun out of life’s pleasures, like women wearing makeup, dresses and being groped at office parties (sarcasm). However, as we now know, feminism isn’t the demon that the 1990s tried to make it out to be and I hope that Julia Roberts was unaware of feminism back then rather than being a strong opposer of it. 

Vivian Ward is a hooker living and working on the streets of LA, the city of dreams as some may brandish it. She lives with her roommate Kit (Laura San Giacomo) and between them they spend their nights trying to scrape enough money for their rent. I’m glad that sex work isn’t as scrutinised as it was back then and another arresting aspect of Pretty Woman is the way it depicts the so called “atrocities” of being a sex worker. The propriety and haughtiness of those who laid eyes upon Kit or Vivian was degrading and dehumanising, simply because they choose to lead a different lifestyle to those around them. It seemed so archaic, almost Victorian like the way people ogled and gazed upon Vivian at the hotel where she was taken in by her male counterpart. Pretty Woman again proves itself to be an anti-feminsit horror show for shaming women on choosing what to do with their own bodies and how they dress. We need to cut this BS out of society ASAP that women dress in certain ways to attract the attention of the opposite sex. Clothes are a form of expression and 9 times out of 10, that expression hasn’t anything to do with wanting to be leered at in public. Enough with the victim shaming as well; asking women what they wore when they were sexually assaulted. Instead let's ask what the attackers were THINKING when they decided to prey on an innocent victim....

One night whilst Vivan is looking for clients, she meets the so called delectable and mouth droppingly handsome male lead that is Edward Lewis, played by Richard Gere. I didn’t get the hype at all as I felt Vivan to have enough personality and lust for life to fill both of her and Richard Gere’s character. Edward Lewis was wooden, stern and boring, and despite this, Vivian seems to see more in him beyond her usual hookups. That’s another irritating thing about Pretty Woman. Edward Lewis didn’t have to do FUCK ALL to prove his love or worthiness in the life of Vivian. 

He didn’t have to (nor did) change one thing about himself throughout the entire film and that’s not only extremely sexist, but shit filmmaking. Did the writer of completely forget or give up on Edward Lewis’ character arc whilst he was too busy making drooling over Vivian? All Edward Lewis had to do was wave his card around and POOF Vivian was at his knees. No wonder the 1990s shamed feminists because this is the exact sort of crap they were trying to prevent from happening on screen. It may seem like fun and games when Edward Lewis tells Vivian to go shopping, buy herself a new dress for dinner, but in reality this is just a fresh case of misogyny, served up with a side of degradation and bigotry for dessert. 

Edward Lewis goes as far to hire Vivian for the week as his...escort? His actual motive isn’t known and we are left as an audience to conclude that it’s because she’s pretty. Again, selling the film title through and through and deminishing the worth of women with each scene. Vivian is never actually asked what she wants, nor do we get to know her seeing as Edward’s inflated ego and wallet covers up most of the screen time whilst watching this film. If you didn’t think this film could get any more horrific is the age gap between Julia Roberts and Richard Gere at the time of filming, to which Roberts was 22 and Gere, 40.

One moment in particular that proved this film to have zero substance to it, is when Vivian eventually gets down on Edward and to my absolute horror, her bra strap is INCREDIBLY and shockingly inauthentically loose. Like falling off loose. Not one woman in the world who chooses to wear a bra; not in China, India, Pakistan, the U.S, Ukraine, Hooker, doctor, astronaut, teacher, hairdresser or not would ever EVER wear their bra strap so loose. An impractical and uncomfortable choice, this tiny infinitesimal yet significant part of this film showed that this film doesn’t care or know how to show accurate female representation on screen and goes against any sense of providing women with strong characters they can use as role models. And all from one bra strap. 

The shopping and transformation part to this film had to be the big red thumb that stood out the most from the eternity of this film as AGAIN for the fifteenth time this film has proved itself to be in favour of entertaining those who like to ogle at Vivian as opposed to getting to know her. Edward thrusts his card at her once again (without giving her much choice, a common behavioural pattern associated with sociopaths and abusers) and she goes to Rodeo Drive to essentially pretty herself up for him so that Edward isn’t judged by those he introduces Vivian to. 

When Vivian had attempted to go shopping alone on Rodeo Drive in her casual attire, the female employees of one of the stores behaved abominably towards her, classing her as someone who didn’t have the means or appearance to shop in such a place. This film just got even worse as not only do we have the opposite gender dictating the appearance of women, we’re having our own sisters do the same whilst investing in the patriarchal narrative of the way women should be seen in public. At this point you may think I’m going crazy and repeating myself, of which I am doing both, however once you’ve fully taken the time to wake up and smell the patriarchy’s cup of coffee, there’s no turning back. These details become smoke signals that turn into epiphanies and realisations that have you questioning is this really okay? And a Pretty Woman is NOT okay.

Once Vivian has had her transformation (so kindly afforded by the dominant Edward Lewis) she seemingly begins to enjoy her new life as a piece on the side, until she is presented with Edward’s lawyer, Philip Stuckley.

So here’s what we have so far on our checklist of misogyny and anti-feminsit motifs to Pretty Women

A poster and title created in the eye of the male gaze CHECK

A female character whose worth is based on her desirability and propriety CHECK

A mediocre white man who doesn’t progress and gets his way through charm, money and power CHECK

Women who take unkindly to other women because they don’t fit the normalised standards of the patriarchy CHECK

Shaming women for their dress sense and career choices CHECK

Lack of women in general, most of which don’t speak throughout the film CHECK

The list could go on but another motif to add to the list from this film that acts as big shiny wrecking ball that smashes up feminism and leaves its values in the dust is sexual assault. Or attempted sexual assault at that, as when we see Phillip Stuckley’s first interaction with Vivian he says right out that he knows she’s a hooker, whilst running the edge of his sunglasses down Vivian’s arm and suggesting they get together after Edward’s demise back to wherever he came from. EW, this was one of the many moments of the film where I had to swallow my vomit. Phillip attempts to rape Vivian back at Edward’s penthouse suite, when luckily Edward comes in to stop it happening, which was the most decent thing he did the entire film. Edward’s lawyer represented a hoard of men that existed back then and now who feel entitled to a woman’s body, hooker or not. Even though Pretty Woman had dug itself a big enough hole, by the time I got to this part of the film I had been sold on the idea that this film is completely out of line with women’s liberation and empowerment. It’s just one big game to prod and poke at women, seeing how far they can go, which in itself is a metaphor for sexual assault. 

I’ll wrap up on the lack of diversity in Pretty Women. Because the world affords white men and women more luxuries and privileges than people of colour, they were at the forefront of this story whilst black and asian minorities were put in the background as butlers, maids and chauffeurs. It makes me so angry that on top of being a whirlwind of misogyny and sexism that such a film would have the audacity to misrepresent minorities entirely and highlight their so called use as servicing white people. IT. IS. GETTING. OLD.

Hopefully you’ve made it to the end of this “review” (kinda) and seen the damaging implications such a film has on our society. On reading Feminists Don’t Wear Pink and Other Lies curated by Scareltt Curtis, I read that “Books and things reflect what’s happening in the world, Hollywood movies DICTATE IT and MOULD what people think”. 

You may think movies don’t matter or a film of the 1990s doesn’t matter, but if we are to learn from our mistakes and progress our movements, we must unpick the past and see it for how it was. Movies are our culture, our representation of what we’ve learnt or seen in the world. I don’t want to see women as sexual objects without their permission. I don’t want to see them being moulded by the patriarchy or by women who support it. I don't want to see women only good enough to be hookers, wives or mistresses. I want women to be the strongest versions of themselves and for films to buckle up and show that shit on screen.

Pretty Woman can kiss my ass and if it’s a film you like in  unlike it. Pronto.

[tabloidtoc]

Star, March 8

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: George Clooney vs. Brad Pitt -- the fight that ended their friendship

Page 1: Scott Disick's mid-life makeover -- some guys buy a convertible but Scott already has a garage full of fancy rides, so what else to do when you're edging close to 40, split from the mom of your three kids and are already dating a 19-year-old model? Well, bleach your hair platinum, of course!

Page 2: Contents, Leighton Meester and Adam Brody celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary with a couple's surf session

Page 3: Star Shots -- John Legend wore an eye-catching sweater to a photoshoot in West Hollywood, Anya Taylor-Joy stunned in a crimson gown on the set of an untitled David O. Russell-directed period film, Jason Sudeikis grabbed a bite during a break from filming Ted Lasso's second season in London

Page 4: After hosting countless rose ceremonies over nearly two decades of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison is now in the hot seat himself and facing backlash for defending current Bachelor frontrunner Rachael Kirkconnell who's been accused of racist behavior -- the next day, Chris apologized and said he was stepping aside as host of the dating reality series but the damage was done as Rachel Lindsay who is the first Black lead in the franchise's history revealed she won't renew her Bachelor contract and current Bachelor Matt James supported her -- as for Chris, the fallout continues as Crest are considering pulling down ads featuring him but with critics calling for his ouster Chris wants his job back and no one at ABC wants to see him replaced but those conversations are happening

Page 5: Miley Cyrus has an idea how to help Britney Spears in her legal battle to replace dad Jamie Spears as her conservator -- Miley is hoping she and Britney can record a classic song together like an anthem like Sisters Are Doin' It for Themselves or Enough Is Enough and she's hoping to get Britney on board but that may be a challenge with the legal restrictions in place

* Mom-of-eight Kate Gosselin didn't get what she was asking for on her house in Pennsylvania -- it's upsetting that she got less than she paid for it but her hand was forced; it costs a lot to keep up a house like that on 20-plus acres and with years of roughhousing, it needs a lot of work -- with twins Mady and Cara already in college and the sextuplets growing up, Kate hopes to jump-start her career and she's dying to leave Pennsylvania and head to Hollywood

* Paris Hilton's boyfriend of just over a year Carter Reum dropped to one knee on a gorgeous private beach and offered Paris his heart and a sparkler from Cartier and she said yes -- close family was on hand to celebrate the couple who have been friends for 15 years and the party went on well into the evening -- now Paris is already making wedding plans for something simple and elegant with a gorgeous dinner and the couple is ready to start a family sooner rather than later and she's hinted she's already started IVF and if she gets pregnant they'll just push up the wedding

Page 6: Ryan Gosling needed some time off after 2018's moon-landing biopic First Man because he really became Neil Armstrong during the six months of shooting and he was absolutely drained after finishing it and he spent the next two years with wife Eva Mendes being a full-time dad to their two young kids -- now he's back and with three movies lined up, he's looking at a $75 million paycheck this year -- in addition to The Gray Man, he's gearing up for a Wolfman update and another space adventure called Project Hail Mary -- he wants to be a popcorn-movie star and he's going full-blown buff-and-shirtless action hero

* Allen v. Farrow is a new investigation into 1992 allegations about Woody Allen by his adopted daughter Dylan Farrow and her mother Mia Farrow that digs up damning new evidence against the director -- one harrowing home video shows the then-7-year-old Dylan saying her dad touched her privates and later a doorman and a building manager and a maid at Allen's NYC residence raise questions about when Woody began his shocking relationship with Mia's teen daughter Soon-Yi -- Mia also expresses fear in the doc, saying she worries that when the documentary comes out he'll be on the attack again and he'll do whatever he has to do to save himself

* Star Spots the Stars -- Julia Roberts, Joe Jonas, Luann de Lesseps, Christina Aguilera, Kaia Gerber, Tarek El Moussa and Heather Rae Young

Page 8: Star Shots -- With balloons and a box of chocolate in hand lifestyle expert Gretta Monahan arrived at The View, Melissa Gorga snacked on a huge box of sweets between Zoom interviews to promote the 11 season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Vanessa Lachey prepared to host a Galentine's Day celebration with macarons and wine

Page 10: Jenna Dewan making a plant-based meal, Selling Sunset's Christine Quinn and her husband Christian Richard sipped juice bar drinks while running errands in Beverly Hills, Hugh Grant stopped to tend to his laces while out for a walk in Chelsea in West London, Carrie Underwood prepped for her daily workout session in pieces from her Calia fitness apparel line

Page 12: After a stop at the Kidding Around children's store Bradley Cooper had his hands full walking with his daughter Lea in NYC, Sofia Vergara chic in a blowout and patterned top in Beverly Hills, Justin Bieber looked comfy in a message tee and pajama bottoms in L.A.

Page 13: Thandie Newton looked tense while Chris Pine hit the ground running as the two filmed the spy thriller All the Old Knives in London, Jon Bernthal braved the frigid water while Gretchen Mol bundled up on the set of American Gigolo in L.A.

Page 14: Think Pink -- Jennifer Lopez hoisted an oversized customized bubble-gum hued Coach satchel in a promo shot in NYC, Cardi B slipped on neon sneakers from her Reebok collaboration to shop on Rodeo Drive in L.A., Hilary Duff showing off a peek of her growing baby bump on the set of Younger in NYC

Page 16: In town to film The Hills: New Beginnings with their castmates Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag played in the snow with their son Gunner in Lake Tahoe

Page 17: Mandy Moore and husband Taylor Goldsmith celebrated their last Valentine's Day before parenthood with a romantic stroll in Pasadena, Michelle Obama on her new children's show Waffles + Mochi

Page 18: Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay in NYC, hiding her locks in a cute newsboy cap Brooke Burke grabbed dinner at Nobu in Malibu, Krysten Ritter brought her son Bruce to meet some farm animals at the Gentle Barn in Santa Clarita

Page 20: Normal or Not? Farrah Abraham suffered a serious wardrobe malfunction while hitting the sand in Malibu -- not normal, Nikki Reed gushing over her therapy chicken -- normal, Property Brothers' Drew Scott booty bumpin' with wife Linda Phan -- not normal, Lucy Hale lovingly held onto her new dog Ethel while fueling up her ride in L.A. -- normal

Page 22: Fashion -- stars in pastel frocks -- Heidi Klum, Sophia Bush, Chrissy Teigen

Page 23: Rihanna, Kirsten Dunst

Page 26: Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are having sexy slumber parties at Kourtney's $8.5 million Calabasas pad and they are spending so much time together and she loves having him sleep over and he'll stay the whole weekend -- Travis who has lived nearby in the gated community for years is already making himself at home and not only has he moved a bunch of stuff into Kourtney's property but she leaves him to chill out and enjoy his space if she has to run errands -- even if it seems the couple is moving and moving in fast, their respective broods are on board with the new arrangement and Kourtney's kids Mason, Penelope and Reign love having Travis around and meanwhile the door is always open for Travis' kids Alabama and Landon, and Travis and Kourtney do a lot of fun stuff with their kids together -- there's already speculation that the move-in will be permanent because Kourtney knows a good thing when she sees it and Travis checks all the boxes

Page 27: Meeting the in-laws might be a little complicated for newly engaged Shailene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers because the Green Bay Packers QB is famously estranged from his Chico, California-based family -- in 2016 Aaron's younger brother Jordan Rodgers exposed the rift while competing on The Bachelorette and at the time, fans blamed Aaron's then-girlfriend Olivia Munn for turning him Hollywood but the trouble continued after their 2017 split -- now that he's with Shailene, Aaron doesn't want to bring her into that toxic atmosphere but Shailene who once called her own folks super f**ked up is not deterred and she is encouraging Aaron to let bygones be bygones but he's not ready

* Melissa and Joe Gorga's marriage troubles will play out on the new season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey but their issues are even worse behind the scenes and they've been butting heads as Melissa's career continues to skyrocket so she's distracted with work and doesn't have time for Joe and he feels neglected and he isn't one to hold back -- it doesn't help that the Envy boutique owner was rumored to be getting close to another man -- the couple is trying to work out their issues for the sake of their three kids but Melissa may be done

Page 28: Cover Story -- George Clooney and Brad Pitt: The Breaking Point -- fights, jealousy and other women -- the former besties had a major falling out and now mutual friend Sandra Bullock is desperate to reunite them -- George and Brad have barely spoken in eight years and they've definitely gone their separate ways and Brad's ex-wife Angelina Jolie played a big part in the demise of their friendship because Angie felt George took Brad away from her and their kids -- Amal Clooney found Angie unbearable and that was kind of the point of no return for Brad and George -- George is struggling to regain his luster as a director while Brad is out there winning Oscars

Page 32: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle: Interview Shockers -- as they prep for baby number two, Harry and Meghan announce a no-holds-barred interview, leaving the palace on edge

Page 34: Celebs in Wheel Trouble -- don't drink (or drug) and drive; these stars got caught making some very bad decisions -- Bruce Springsteen, mug shots of Justin Bieber

Page 35: Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Phelps, Khloe Kardashian, Henry Thomas, Heather Locklear, Jesse Luken, Mel Gibson

Page 36: Beauty -- curl care -- strengthen every type of wave and coil with cool new miracle workers

Page 48: Parting Shot -- Bill Murray teamed up with NFL player Larry Fitzgerald for the AT&T Every Shot Counts Charity Challenge in Pebble Beach -- despite landing in third place, Bill and Larry made a great pair, earning an impressive $209,000 for local charities

[winchester90210]

The BH 90210 Rewrite. 1x13: Slumber Party

Rewrite Masterlist

Read the previous chapter here!

Chapter Summary: Junk food is had, secrets are exposed, and flings are revealed...

Warnings: mentions of sex, swearing, one minor make out scene.

Word count: 2,900

My work is not to be reposted and/or edited without my expressed written consent. (Reblogging is fine and encouraged!!)

The flashback is in italics.

Feedback is incredibly appreciated! :)

A/N: This is one of my favorite episodes! Hope you guys enjoy it! Sorry about the scheduling issue, next week should go as planned. Feedback on this chapter would be wonderful! :)

-

"Are you sure this thing isn't a slumber party?" Kelly criticizes. You open your locker as your friends begin to bicker on both sides of you. Something akin to petty surround sound.

"I told you! It's a night of female bonding-- a chance for us to get together and talk about what's important," Brenda explains.

"But we're doing it in our PJs," Donna interjects.

"Well, that would make sense unless you prefer to sleep in your clothes," You say, "Bren, I think it's a great idea. It could be fun!"

<!-- more -->

"Can we invite some guys to come over later? I mean, after we've talked and bonded and everything?" Kelly asks.

"Kelly, I thought what we wanted was an evening to ourselves where we don't have to think about guys, talk about guys, or worry about what we look like 'cause some guy is around. Isn't that what we said?" She nods, rolling her eyes. "So what's the problem?"

"Nothing!" She leans against the lockers, "Actually... there is one thing. I kinda made plans with this other friend of mine, Amanda Pacer. You don't know her, she's a senior, but we have been friends forever."

"So bring her," you suggest, taking out your history book and shutting your locker.

"Well... I know this may sound stupid, but I don't want her to think this is a slumber party... It's not a slumber party, right?"

-

"Brenda! Kelly, Y/N, and Donna are here to bond with you!" Brandon shouts up the stairs, laden in his all-white Peach Pit uniform. He looked so cute, this "no guy" rule was pointless. Especially when the said guys looked like that. "Hey Y/N/N," he kisses you softly, pulling you closer to him.

"Hey," you mumble. He gives you a hard, dizzying, coffee-flavored kiss as he slowly backs into the front door. You hum against him happily, "I'll pay you to stay, I'm serious. Cold hard cash." He grins, slipping his warm hands under the sides of your jacket, holding onto your hips gently.

"As much as I'd like to, I promised Nat I'd pick up this shift."

"Tell him you have other business to attend to. Like getting me out of this slumber party. Nat'll understand," you plead jokingly. One more soft, sweet kiss and he lets go of you. "Brandon..." he smiles at you adoringly and turns towards the other two girls waiting in the foyer, pretending that they weren't just watching everything you two were doing.

"Have fun, ladies," he swings the front door open and leaves as quickly as possible, knowing that if he stayed any longer you'd actually end up convincing him to stay. As one Walsh exits, another enters as Brenda comes down the stairs wearing a long, plaid nightshirt. But before she's even fully down the stairs, Kelly starts to complain.

"Brenda, this is really weird."

"Kelly, we are going to have fun! Where's Amanda?"

"Oh, she's coming later," She fidgets awkwardly, "She uh, wanted to bring her own car in case..."

"Something better came along," Donna interjects.

"I think this might be a little too down-home for her."

"Kelly, we're not going on hayrides," you cut in.

-

"Okay, we have chocolate ice cream,vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream!" Brenda announces as you pour the doritos into a bowl. It's a scramble of hands and junk food as you all grab what you want.

"Do you have any other cookies?" Kelly asks.

"Yeah! I think they're in the cupboard," Brenda nods.

"Oh, I love cookies smushed in ice cream!" Andrea beams, "it's the best."

"You ever put popcorn in ice cream?" Donna wonders. The group groans in disgust. "Hey, it's really good!" You hop on the counter next to where Donna is and grab a chip

"Well, there's microwave popcorn in a bowl over there, knock yourself out," Brenda giggles, handing you your bowl of chocolate ice cream.

"Thanks," you smile, "Hey, Amanda, what do you want? Vanilla or chocolate?" You glance over to Kelly's friend as you help the girls put together their sundaes, and she's sitting alone at the kitchen table with her arms crossed, pouting.

"Nothing for me, thanks."

"Oh, come on, Amanda. You're gonna make us all look like pigs!" Kelly exclaims.

"You said it, I didn't," Amanda ostracizes. The room goes radio silent, but instead of bumming out the room, Brenda starts snorting like a pig at her while the rest of you laugh and pick up your junk food.

-

"Donna, that is so gross!" Kelly laughs, watching as her best friend shows vanilla ice cream and popcorn into her mouth all in one spoon. Your cheeks already hurt from laughing, but you couldn't stop smiling.

"I know, but I like it! I don't know why, but I do, okay?"

"This is something you can never do with guys," Kelly smirks, piling on the whipped cream to her sundae.

"What?" Andrea asks.

"Pig out!" The five of you giggle as Brenda turns to Amanda, who's once again decided to remove herself from the group.

"Do you eat on dates, Amanda?"

"Never. But I always order something expensive," her voice is sharp, and she's slumped back in the white chair in the far corner of the room.

"Why?"

"To let them know I'm worth it," she shrugs.

"I knew it was over for me and Steve when I started pigging out everytime we went out to eat," she scoffs.

"He never took you out to eat, Kelly," Donna giggles, and then everyone, (excluding Ms. Grump Pants, of course) bursts out in laughter.

-

"I am in... sugar shock." Brenda sighs, resting her head on your shoulder as you lean back onto the couch, smushed up against the other girls.

"I feel like I just gained ten pounds," Andrea groans.

"So, what do you guys want to do now?" Kelly ponders.

"Ooh, lets rent Pretty Woman!" Donna suggests.

"Donna, you've seen that movie 300 times," Kelly snickers.

"It's dependable. You know, sometimes I think about running away and becoming a hooker on Hollywood boulevard," she puts her fist up to her heart, fawning, "just so I can meet Richard Gere."

"There's only one problem... you're not Julia Roberts."

"Look, we're not going to rent a movie... or become prostitutes," you tease Donna, "The whole point of this was so we could talk. Andrea, go get your Ouija board."

-

You settle back down onto the couch after coming very close to crapping your pants because of what you thought was the Ouija board... which just ended up being David Silver sneaking creepy pictures of you guys through the window. You breathe deeply as your heart rate settles down. Amanda checks her watch and scoffs.

"It's after midnight."

"What, do frat boys turn into pumpkins?" Brenda bites sarcastically.

"No, they turn into drunken slobs." You sure made my night," she complains.

"Amanda, you didn't have to come!" Kelly barks.

"What? And miss all the fun? The party games?" She laughs sardonically, "I don't want to leave anymore. Everyone's ruined my night," she takes off her beige coat and throws it on the chair. "It's my turn to ruin their's. Okay everyone. I've got a game if you're up for it. Skeletons in the closet. Everyone sits in a circle, and the person in the middle has to answer all their questions as honestly as possible. The kind of question is up to you, whatever you feel like asking. Of course, the better the question, the better the game."

-

"Go ahead. Ask me anything," Andrea smiles nervously.

"Why does everybody call you 'Awwwndrea?'" Amanda starts.

"Excuse me?"

"What are you, British? I mean... Awwwwndrea?" Amanda guffaws.

"That is pretty pretentious," Kelly adds.

"Kelly," you warn her.

"It's pronounced both ways. But An-dree-uh is a little boring and common. I like to be different."

"Good answer," you smile.

"So, am I through?"

Amanda studies her carefully, "No. Not yet... have you ever slept with a guy before?" What the hell was wrong with this girl?

"That's... a little personal. But uh... no. No, I have never slept with a guy before. Yet."

"Well, if you could sleep with any guy in school, who would it be?"

Andrea chuckles anxiously, looking down at the ground. "Come on, you guys. I can't answer that..."

"Yeah, you can. You can trust us, Andrea... well," you glance at Amanda, "most of us, at least."

"Uh... I don't know. I guess... I guess uh..."

"Brandon?" Kelly cuts in.

"What?" You glare at Kelly.

"No." Andrea answers, "No. Not Brandon. No... it would have to be Hans Fleischman. He is this incredibly gorgeous lifeguard who pulled me out of the water when I was stung by a jellyfish at Zuma beach last summer." You adjust in your seat uncomfortably while the Kelly snickers in disbelief at Andrea. "Hey, what is this? Brandon is just a friend."

"Wait-- wait a second. Is this the same Brandon that's all over her everyday?" Amanda laughs out, "Sweetie... get a life. You like him. Everybody already knows." You sure didn't. "And he likes her." You don't even dare to look up from your thumbs. What the hell were you supposed to do in this situation? Sure, you encouraged her to answer it but you didn't think it would be Brandon. You would feel weird comforting her, but you still feel weird just sitting there and letting her get harrassed.

"Okay... okay. So it-- it is Brandon." Her eyes well up as she stutters through her words. The room is silent for a moment before you hop to your feet.

"Well, this has been a blast," you huff, "I'm gonna go get a soda. Anyone else have plans to seduce my boyfriend? Kelly? Donna? Hey, how about you, Amanda?"

-

After Kelly's turn, to which she described her traumatic first sexual experience, and Brenda's where she describes how she betrayed her best friend back in Minneapolis... you were really starting to hate this game.

"Come on, Donna, you've gotta have some secrets," Kelly encourages.

"I don't! I tell you guys everything!"

"If you could go out with any guy in school, who would it be?!" Brenda asks. Let me guess, Brandon?

"Greg Houseman. You know that, she never stops talking about him," Kelly sighs.

"What is the most dishonest thing you've ever done?" You ask, curling your legs up to your chest. She pauses to think for a moment.

"Nothing..."

"Didn't anybody in your family go insane or something? Anything?"

"No... we're all really normal," she shrugs. The thing was, she's right. You've been to her house. Her mother is great, her dad's really nice, her house is perfect... she was completely normal.

"You know what your problem is, Donna?" Amanda prompts, "Your life is totally boring. Anyone who can't dredge up one secret about themselves is either lying or a total zero."

"That is not true," you snap.

"Why, what are you hiding, Y/N/N?"

"Nothing, Amanda."

"Oh, really? That's not what I hear... or what I've seen."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Get in the circle," she smirks, this time deviously. Dangerously. You follow her orders, moving from the floor to the chair.

"What's your favorite movie?" Brenda asks.

"Rebel without a Cause."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Baby pink," you watch Amanda out of the corner of your eye, getting more and more frustrated at the boring questions.

"Oh, come on! You guys are such a drag!" She leans forward, smirking, "What's going on with you and Dylan McKay?" You look at her confused.

"He's dating her," you gesture towards Brenda, "Not me." Amanda shakes her head immediately, as if she knew you were going to say that.

"Do I need to dumb it down for you, sweetheart? What happened at the Bel Age a few months ago, y'know, when you jumped him?"

"What?" Brenda says quietly, her voice breaking. She looks at you as tears start to brim her eyes.

"Bren, wait a second--"

"Did you sleep with my boyfriend?" Your jaw goes agape and you laugh sourly in shock.

"You really think I'd sleep with Dylan?!" A pit of guilt was forming in your stomach as you tensed up.

"I don't know what to think, Y/N! All I know is you two spend an awful lot of time together alone and now I'm hearing that you pounced on him!" she snaps. Oh my god. You couldn't believe this was happening.

"That's not what happened, Bren!"

"Fine!" She scoffs bitterly, "what happened, then?"

"So, I was at the Bel Age a few months ago, Brandon had just gotten the job at the Peach Pit..."

-

"I don't wanna go home yet," you told him. The Porsche rumbled as Dylan warmed it up. He raised an eyebrow at you as he leaned back.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere you want to take me." Those would be words you would later come to regret. Asking a hot guy with a leather jacket and a Porsche to have his way with you? Bold move. Dumb move, too. He could've taken you anywhere. Baja, the abandoned elementary school, anywhere. But where did he take you? The Bel Age hotel.

When you walked in he popped the radio on and you sat down as a Gloria Estefan song played quietly throughout the hotel room. Dylan was over at the wet bar, pouring himself a glass of scotch. Looking back, it was the only time you'd ever seen him drink something in moderation.

"You drink?" He asked, looking back at you.

"I could start," you shrug. And that was the first of many bad decisions you'd make in that hotel room. He grabs a second pint glass, but you weren't paying much attention to him as he clanked around, trying to pour you something that wouldn't make you gag.

He hands you the concoction and sits down beside you, his legs against yours. A little closer than normal, but you didn't think anything of it. Fidgeting anxiously, you began to drink whatever it was he gave you. It was new, being alone with him like that. Sure, you could hang out with him in groups but... just you and him? You tilted the glass back, letting the smooth and surprisingly digestible liquor flow down your throat until there was nothing left in your glass. This stuff was supposed kill anxiety, right? He eyes you up. Peculiarly, but not critically.

"Thirsty?"

"Yeah, you could say that." He would continue to fill your glass, and his own, for that matter, all night. He'd put on his Road House VHS tape somewhere in the middle. And you were watching it. You really were. But as the movie went on longer, you got closer. A fairly innocent movie night (the first of many) turned into a night full of regrets.

His hand was on your leg right before the first kiss happened, thumb drawing dizzying little circles on your thigh as he watched the movie. You're sure if you showed any signs of discomfort he would've stopped-- that fact gave you peace in the moment. But the last thing you wanted him to do was stop. So he didn't. And neither did you. It wasn't until later, when his lips were trailing down your jaw, hands pushing your dress up, and his own white t-shirt was somewhere on the floor next to you. That's when it came to a crashing halt. Removing his lips from your neck, he sighed.

"What is it?" You asked. The air between you two was intense, sensitive. One move and he'd be back on top of you, starting the cycle all over again.

"What about Minnesota?" He slides you off of his lap in one swift motion, but his hand was lingering on your hip.

"What about Brandon?"

"Come on, you've seen how he is around you. I don't want to get in the way of that, mess anything up."

"You're not messing anything up. If Brandon was interested he would've made a move already."

Cut to you, current day, girlfriend of the mentioned boy, "Hah... whoops."

"But either way... this is a bad idea, isn't it?" You sheepishly picked up the shirt from the floor and handed it back to him. "So," you cleared your throat, "Friends?"

"Yeah," he chuckled, fiddling with the shirt in his hand. The energy in the room was different then, awkward. Laughable. But friendly.

"And that was it," you finish, "We're friends. Kissing him now would be no different than kissing Donna or Kelly."

"You wouldn't have kissed him if you didn't like him!"

"I do like him. As a friend," you plead, "Bren, I've been supporting you guys since day one, I would never do something to hurt you." You search her eyes for something. A little bit of waivering, forgiveness, pity. Anything at this point. Stupid Amanda and her stupid skeleton game. Brenda avoids your gaze for a moment.

"And nothing's happened since then?" She chokes out. You see her shoulders rise and fall as she takes in a shaky breath.

"Nothing's happened since then."

She lets out a deep sigh, almost out of relief, but tears are still threatening to spill from her eyes "Okay... I guess I understand." As she says that, it's like every muscle in your body lets go of the stress it had been holding for the past few weeks. You really hate secrets.

"Uh, Bren... I have a confession to make," Kelly pipes up from the side of the room, "After you started going out with Dylan I tried to get a date with him." Oh shit.

-

-

-

-

Taglist: @be-patient-be-good @mpmarypoppins @bevelyhills90210 @blueoz @harleylilo88 @princess-ghost-alien @hueycat2004 @l4life @keepcalm-and-beyou

[yogaposesfortwo]

Meet Hollywood's Favorite Yoga Teacher

Kirschen Katz is the go-to yoga teacher for many Hollywood A-listers, but her most fulfilling work—teaching kids—comes after the school bell rings. Lindsay Tucker: How did you transition into becoming a yoga teacher? Kirschen Katz: When I was 34 years old, I was trying to become an actress in Los Angeles, and I had many, many jobs. I have been practicing yoga since 1989. I come from a running background—competitive runner at 12 years old, full athletic scholarship. I just always ran, and really was not competing anymore but started to breakdown. So I ended up getting into a yoga practice on my mother's recommendation in 1989. I did my first class with Steve Ross, one of the godfathers of yoga in Los Angeles. I practiced yoga until ’96, and then I was able to take a year off and think about what it is I wanted to do. I decided to become a yoga teacher, and I did teacher training. That's my pre-divorce—I go pre-divorce and post-divorce—pre-divorce was teaching, but I was in a financial life where I didn't have to really struggle. And then he moved me to Hawaii, and my marriage ended there. LT: So how did you end up working with actors? KK: I came back to LA, and I really had to boogie to make a living. I was really lucky to be in the right place and open to abundance—that was my mantra after my marriage crumbled. I had signed a prenup and was left very little money. Anyway, I came back to LA, and I was in my hairdresser's salon, and there was a Hollywood wife there, and she said, “Come and teach me yoga.” Through her I met Jenny Belushi—who was married to Jim Belushi, the actor—and Shannon Rotenberg, whose husband ran a management production company. And so then these women (and this is now in 2005), they introduced me to just wonderful women in the entertainment business, and one of them introduced me to Julia Roberts. And then the other one introduced me to Reese Witherspoon. I never went back to teaching classes. I just settled into the private yoga world. I tapped into this niche of, you know, Hollywood and entertainment people, and it's all referral base, as you can imagine, and it's about trust. It's a lot of yoga therapy and just really listening to people. I've incorporated running with some of my clients, so for maybe 30 minutes of the private, we’re walking, running—we're doing more of the therapy session—and then the other 30 minutes is yoga. It's not always that way. A lot of clients just want their yoga, but I have been in so many different situations. I've had the royals from Liechtenstein. I've had royals from Abu Dhabi. But I am also a secret, because I am not really involved in the Los Angeles yoga scene. I know the players in it, but it's like I'm just kind of doing my own thing. See also 10 Business Secrets to Starting a Successful Yoga Career LT: You work with the Just Keep Livin Foundation teaching yoga as an after-school program in inner city schools. Is that just straight yoga, or are you involved in other ways? KK: Last year, they asked me to go in and tell my story. It's a story. I grew up with the Nazi- loving father, and I had to heil Hitler until I was older. I didn't know what it was. I grew up in Upstate New York. My mother was loving, but she had no voice. She had no self-esteem. And the father—I refer to him as “the father” and not my father—he grew up a Hitler youth, and I grew up in a very violent, verbally and physically abusive home. My inspirational story of transformation is something that I want to share with these students, so I go into the schools and I share it. We practice yoga, we talk about my story, and then we have a gratitude circle. But getting back to growing up, yeah, I changed, a violent verbally abusive traumatic childhood and I got out. Running was something that helped me, and yoga was something that helped me process trauma.

LT: And how has yoga helped you process your trauma? KK: I process it by being still. PTSD comes from war, but it can come from abuse as well. I had tremendous anxiety. I had dyslexia. Nobody ever took me to a doctor or therapist, so I was always running on Cortisol and my adrenals were blown out. I was running 90 miles a week, highly competitive. My body fat was very low. I developed bulimia. I couldn't stand still long enough to tap into my consciousness. You know what I mean? Running is helpful to produce serotonin and dopamine, but yoga was what I needed to really slow down and tap into my breath and become quiet. Then I was able to approach . Yoga can bring up all your injuries and also all your mental anguish and trauma. See also A Yoga Therapist Shares the Truth About Trauma LT: What’s different when you’re solely a private yoga teacher? KK: You are in these homes and in these people's lives. I have been fortunate enough to have many of my clients for literally 14 years. I've gone through their children with them. I’ve gone through marriages. I have been to more bar and bat mitzvahs than I can share. You know these people intimately on an infinite level. You’re on their journey with them. But what is really nice for me is there are no distractions. It's one on one. I am solely focused on them. It's more intimate, and I love intimacy. I love having my clients feel vulnerable that maybe you can’t in a class. You can really devote this hour to their wellbeing and their healing or their nourishing. If you have a class of 30, 40, 80 people, you cannot really make anything individual. you really make it specific to them, what they are feeling that day. I show up and my clients could be crying, and you have to be flexible. I go there, I open the door, I’m invited in, and within a minute I read my clients and know what they need at that moment. That's a unique thing. I love that. Being vulnerable, and that's what I get. I get people on a path, trying to always improve themselves and grow. You get to share that and see that, see people evolve. Traveling with clients is really wonderful. Eat, Pray, Love, that was a great experience. I mean, really interesting. It was so nice to have Julia take me to India. LT: Can you share more about that experience? KK: She had been my client for a while. I got a phone call—I am going home on the freeway from my day—and she goes, “Pull over.” She’s like, “I’ve got this movie. It's Eat, Pray, Love.” I knew the book. I knew the book, and I love Elizabeth Gilbert. I was so happy I was going to have the experience with someone who actually wrote something I love to read. You know? I left for three months: one month in Rome, one month in India, and the best month in Bali. I left my clients, which was tricky. I left them with support yoga teachers. I took videos of them doing yoga, and I sent them to a local studios. India and Bali are otherworldly. Bali was a wonderful reward for India. India was very challenging. I have heard people say poverty is astounding, but it's way more than I thought it would be. But I embraced it all, and it ended up being wonderful. And the Bali portion was some of the most fun yoga. It’s funny—I work with these Oscareen actresses, but you forget who they are because you know them as Laura or Reese or Julia, and that whole other part of them is such a different part. They become so much more interesting when you get to know them aside from all that fame. LT: Tell us a little bit about your personal practice. KK: It's literally like 20 to 30 minutes a day, and I fit it in whenever I can. It's really just working on the poses. It changes daily; it changes with my mood, with whatever injury I am trying to avoid. I am not the most flexible person. If you looked at my Instagram, the most bearing pose that I can do, Natarajasana and Crow Pose, is strong. I have to be careful because running is very important to me, and I can't do anything where I blow anything out. I use my body for my career, my business, so I don’t ever try anything too daring. I do a lot of pranayama in my own practice, driving around Los Angeles, always doing pranayama counting. I do a lot of mantra and essential oils. Basically I do the practice similar to what I teach. So it's level 2. I love inversions, so I am constantly upside down. Like before this interview I just went upside down a couple of times to calm myself down. If I go three days without practice, I am hard to be around. See also 30-Minute Beginner Sequence to Reset Your Perspective on Life LT: What is the hardest thing about being a yoga teacher? KK: For me, the only downside is all the damn driving that I do—that's it. I put 25,000 miles a year on my car. I just drive a lot. But I love teaching yoga. I love doing it with my clients, and I don’t think about anything in my life. I'm present, and it's pure, and we are moving, breathing, and our breaths are in sync. I am really fortunate enough to teach yoga to people on a journey toward a beautiful life or enjoying a beautiful life or evolved people. I am grateful I have created this too. There is a deep sense of pride for having created this in a moment of trauma. I just came here wishing abundance not only for me but for everyone around me, and the universe presented me with this opportunity. I took advantage of it. I was very open for that. I believe yoga has really helped me to manifest this life I have. Author: Lindsay Tucker Source: https://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/kirschenkatz Discover more info about Yoga Poses for Two People here: www.yogaposesfortwo.com Read the full article

[twodudesandamovie]

Ocean’s 8

This month, Alex won the coin flip to decide the movie, it is Ocean's 8:

Alex: At 1am, Eric said to me that he wanted to watch the movie I chose, Ocean's 8. I vocally doubted his ability to stay awake, being as he was extremely intoxicated, but he insisted he would. At this point, I agreed to watch the movie with him, even saying I would Venmo him $50 if he stayed awake for 110 minutes. He did not, and this is my opinion of Ocean's 8. Immediately, we start with a nice homage to Ocean's 11, and I have a few questions: 1. Who is this girl? 2. Why is she in jail? 3. Apparently everybody else is dead? Besides that old Jewish dude. 4. Why didn't I watch Ocean's 13. Then I get to be confused as to whether Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett are gay. I think about this for probably 20 minutes as the film gives me exposition or whatever. I conclude they probably are just flirty. The movie then quickly introduces characters, and I feel a kinship with Helena Bonham Carter, both because she is having a panic attack while eating Nutella from a jar, and that shes secretly emo. Then, I'm stunned as I get to see Rihanna, Minday Khaling, and Awkwafina, three extremely talented women whom I do not deserve to look at. Sarah Paulson is also there, but I do not know her, like the guy that is also hot and Sandra Bullock threatens to shiv. Honestly, he should keep to probably playing soccer or stab him, in my opinion. Sandra Bullock then lays out the heist. The planning portion of the film seems to go rather quick, and I'm frequently surprised by plot points that just happen to work out. How does Sandra Bullock know so much about 3D printing. She was in jail for like 6~ years. 3D printing has grown so much in the past 6 years. It's mentioned in another scene that "Hims get arrested, Hers get ignored" which is a nice sexist way to explain why nobody calls out any of the women for being on the video tapes in the security footage (which we'll go into later). Additionally, Mindy Khaling sets up a jeweler apprasial shop in the baby changing station, which I really want to contest, but she could do it. The movie drones on for about an hour after that as I watch this elite cast of babes steal jewels, and also my heart. Anne Hathaway is there too, doing a superb job as acting as a famous person in the world where she is still a famous person who acts. I think later on she gets money, starts a studio or shoots a low budget movie, and directs herself. Thats a nice tribute to Ocean's 12 where Julia Roberts has to pretend to be Julia Roberts. In the end, this absolutely stunning cast of women manages to steal the thing they wanted to steal, with a lot more things they didn't EXPLAIN they were gonna steal, but you knew they were gonna steal. James Corden makes an enterance at a point, and I think he's just gonna be himself, but then he's an FBI agent who has a rather trivial part in the movie. The entire half hour you could cut honestly. Overall, I didn't think the movie was super good. Not even in a way where it has big plot holes or anything, which it kinda does but thats not important, its just not a good heist movie. I really wanted to get the thrill of the plot twist in Ocean's 11 again, and instead got a group of really talented babes stealing a thing and then giving me an expected plot twist at the end. Also, with so many characters, it's understandable that every character can't have a lengthy amount of screen time to like act and be a character, but if thats the case then why hire like absolutely the most stacked cast of actors, to have them only have a couple lines. I wanted more from all of the characters that were not Sandra Bullock or Cate Blanchett.

Rating: 5/10 and I'd still let every babe in this movie tell me I'm wrong because I love them all.

Eric: Ocean’s 8 attempts to continue the long strand of “Ocean’s” movies which have quite a simple formula: assemble an all-star cast, pull off a thrilling heist, spew out of a few witticisms here and there, be a pop culture staple, and voila you have a blockbuster movie. But Ocean’s 8 made the least money out of the four latest Ocean’s movies, and it would seem the formula is growing a bit tired.

It’s hard to go wrong with such a cast, the acting wasn’t lacking at any point besides Rihanna saying the bare minimum of lines to achieve her character’s goals. The humor wasn’t quite as fun as in the previous Ocean’s, and the quips often fell flat. Due to the unimaginative screenplay, there was no challenges for the actors. Sandra Bullock briefly being a German woman was the only example of these A-listers flexing their acting chops.

One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is eating and talking during a scene, and this screenplay does that in spades. It’s sort of a boring way to have the actors occupied while going through the motions of setting up the plot, and it isn’t necessary. It’s another brutal flaw of Ocean’s 8: when you have the actors, use them. For a cast with such potential, why resort to such cliches?

It also suffers a deadly plot hole: why doesn’t Debbie Ocean have a parole officer? Someone who just got out of jail spending time with other questionable characters isn’t realistic, but of course, it’s a movie. The heist itself made up for a lot of the movie’s shortcomings, but even the heist seemed to lack imagination for the lofty bar Ocean’s 11-13 set. It didn’t seem like anything new: have people hiding in plain site, replace the stolen item with a replica, find a way to sell it, haven’t we seen this all before?

Hollywood seems to be obsessing over taking classic movies and flipping the gender roles lately (see Ghostbusters), which isn’t a bad idea in itself, but if you’re going to do that then you need to have something new to say. What is the point of making this sequel? It’s a question that this installment doesn’t really answer. Of course most sequels are often worse than their originals and fail to answer the reasoning behind making them.

I was mildly entertained but I would’ve liked to see much more from it. It was a movie that fell far short of its potential and I think it finally put the dagger in the Ocean’s series, or at least I hope it did.

Rating: 5.5/10.

[randomrichards]

THE BEST MOVIE MOMENTS OF 2018:

HONORABLE MENTION:

The Opening/Closing Credits from BUDDIES

I’m putting this as honorable mention because this is an older movie recently rereleased.

The first film about the AIDS Crisis, Buddies strikes at the heart with its opening credits with a typed list of AIDS victim up to 1985. Set to a mournful score by Jeffrey Olmstead, the never ending list of lives cut short puts you in tears.

Alex Honnold faces Boulder Problem in FREE SOLO

Most thrillers can only wish they could be as gripping as in the moment when Alex Honnold maneuver’s his way through the most challenging section of El Capitan Wall without rope in this Documentary.

Ray Offers Wisdom from Mid90s

“If you looked in anybody else’s closet, you wouldn’t trade your shit for their shit.”

Ray (Na-kel Smith) and his friends may not be the best role models for the impressionable Stevie (Sunny Suljic), but in this moment, Ray teaches him a lesson in perspective.

Glenn Close’s performance in THE WIFE

I’m not referring to any moment. Just Glenn Close’s acting. She speaks more volumes with her face than most actresses could with dialogue.

10)        The Beach Scene from ROMA

Cleo (Yalitza Aparicio) is an extraordinary woman. Sure, her life hanging towels and cleaning dog poo doesn’t seem like anything special. But like many lower working-class people, she endures. Boy does she endure a lot of shit in this movie. Not only does her deadbeat boyfriend ditch her to practice martial arts, but her baby is born dead. Despite all this, she not only continues her work, but she shares a close bond with the family. She showcases this bond and her strength when a fun day at the beach goes horribly wrong.

When Paco (Carlos Peralta) and Sofi (Daniela Demesa) swim too far out, Cleo walks into the ocean to save them despite not knowing how to swim. We watch in dread as she faces severe waves to find the kids, the camera always close to her.

This scene also contains a beautiful scene of the family hugging Cleo when she tears up over losing her baby. Seeing them all huddled together in front of a bright white sun captures the heart.

9)         “A Place Called Slaughter Race” from RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET

Admit it, it’s fun to take pot shots at Disney Tropes. Hell, even Disney gets in on the fun. And boy do they seize on every moment to mock Princess tropes when Vanellope Von Shweetz (voiced by Sarah Silverman) encounters the Disney Princesses. Of course, it helps that Director Rich Moore and Head of Story Jim Reardon creates some of the best episodes of the Simpsons. Though there are many hilarious moments[1], none can hold the candle to Vanellope’s “I Want” song.

As she reflects over a puddle, Vanellope sings about her longing to be in the gritty game “Slaughter Race.” Seeing this little girl perform this lighthearted musical number over a background of riots and dumpster fires is comedy gold. Nearly every element of this number elevates the comedy, from singing shark (with cats and dogs in its mouth) to the creative lyrics (“Am I a baby pigeon spreading wings to soar?/ Is that a metaphor?/Hey, there’s a dollar store”). And the number still finds time to emphasize Vanellope’s fear of hurting Ralph (John. C Reilly).

Kudos to Alan Menken for mocking the trope he (and the late Howard Ashman) introduced to Disney. Just as deserving of Kudos is Silverman, who faced to task of singing in Vanellope’s high pitched voice.

8)         Charlie Loses Her Head from HEREDITARY

With her unusual hobbies, connection to her late grandmother and that clicking sound, you’d assume Annie’s (Toni Collette) daughter Charlie (Milly Shapiro) would be the centre of the whole film.[2] Boy, were we in for a surprise.

Spoilers!

When Charlie suffers a peanut allergy reaction, Peter (Alex Wolfe) races her home. On his drive, he sees a mysterious figure in the middle of the dark road. In his attempt to dodge it, he doesn’t see Charlie hanging out the window. Seeing her head slam right into a pole leaves us as traumatized as Peter is. To see them kill off a main character so early in the film is downright shocking. With this death, predictability goes right out the window and we are left uncertain of what direction this film will go.

7)         Neil Armstrong Soars in the X-15 Rocket Plane in FIRST MAN

It’s funny how the most exciting scene in this film isn’t the moon landing. Don’t get me wrong, the scene’s still breathtaking in its realism, but it’s surprising how thrilling the opening scene.

Damien Chazelle hits the ground running with Neil Armstrong (Ryan Gosling) soaring the atmosphere in an X-15 Rocket Plane. He soars higher and higher into the skies until he flies out of earth’s surface and gets stuck in space

Albeit, you know he will be back on earth in time for the moon landing. And yet, I found myself on the edge of my seat, wondering how he’s going to get back to earth. Most of it is thanks to the visual effects, which contains some of the most believable since 2001: A Space Odyssey. The effects leave CGI in the dust with practical effects that look so real, you’d think Gosling was actually flying into space.

6)         The Ferris Wheel Scene from LOVE, SIMON

High School Movies are home to many unforgettable romantic scenes. There’s Samantha (Molly Ringwald) and Jake (Michael Schoeffling) standing over a birthday cake in Sixteen Candles. There’s Patrick (Heath Ledger) singing to Katarina (Julia Stiles) on the bleachers in 10 Things I hate About You. And who can forget Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) blaring Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” outside Diane Court’s (Ione Skye) in Say Anything. Be ready to include the closing scene of Simon (Nick Robinson) waiting on the Ferris wheel for online pen pal Blue from Love, Simon.

After being outed by a student, infuriating his friends for deceiving them in his attempt to stay closeted and abandoned by Blue, Simon makes a plea to meet with Blue face to face on the Ferris Wheel at a carnival. As he rides on the Ferris Wheel, he, fellow classmates and the audience wait in anticipation for Simon’s happy ending.

5)         The Book Heist from AMERICAN ANIMALS

When Spencer Reinhard (Barry Keoghan) and Warren Lipka (Evan Peters) plotted to steal extremely valuable books from the Transylvania University library in Kentucky, they thought they had the perfect heist. With the help of their friends Erick Borsuk (Jared Abrahamson) and Chas Allen (Blake Jenner), they thought they pull off a heist as smooth as Oceans 11.[3]

But reality hits them like a sledge hammer when they try to pull off the heist. Unlike their dreams, Librarian Betty Jean Gooch (Ann Dowd) doesn’t get knocked out with one taser jolt. It also isn’t easy to lug a six-foot book down a flight of stairs. Then there’s the fact the basement has no exit. That’s just a few of many problems they never consider. From then on, we witness them pay a huge price for their hubris and lack of real-world understanding.

Only youths as smart as they are to come up with such a stupid plan.

4)         The Mutant Bear from ANNIHILATION

Biologist Lena (Natalie Portman) and her team find themselves in a quite a bind. After entering the Shimmer, physicist Josie Radek (Tessa Thompson) has barely survived an attack from a mutant alligator and Anthropologist Cassie Sheppard (Tuva Novotny) has been attacked by a bear. Now paramedic Anya Thorensen (Gina Rodriguez) has gone mad and has tied up Lena, Radek and Dr. Ventress (Jennifer Jason Leigh). But when they hear Sheppard’s cries for help, they will soon find Anya is the least of their worries.

Their journey delivers many grotesque, nightmare inducing visuals (especially the slithering intestines.) But the most memorable moment in this film was the image of the helpless crew trapped in a cabin with a mutant bear. Bears are scary enough on their own, but a faceless one is pants spitting meeting. And then you hear it imitate Sheppard’s screams and suddenly you need a new pair of pants.

3)         The Great Snap from AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

The whole Marvel Cinematic Universe had been leading up to this moment. The fact that nearly every character had a moment to shine in this one movie demonstrates the astounding direction of the Russo Brothers. But despite all the epic fight scenes, everyone agrees that this film’s greatest scene is the heroes moment of defeat.

Despite every effort made to stop in, despite outnumbering Thanos and despite Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) sacrificing Vision (Paul Bettany) to destroy the mind stone, Thanos still got all the infinity stones. And with a single snap, Thanos succeeds in wiping out half the universe’s population. One by one, we watch many of our heroes vanish into dust while others watch in helpless horror. But none are more heartbreaking that the moment when Spider-Man (Tom Holland) falls into Tony Stark’s (Robert Downey Jr.) arms, crying “I don’t want to go.” All because some characters couldn’t make the sacrifice needed

Yes, we knew he was going to succeed in the end.[4] And yes, you know most of the heroes won’t stay gone.[5] And yes, their return will likely involve the surviving heroes sacrificing themselves.[6] But the ending still feels powerful despite this knowledge.

It all concludes with Thanos sitting near a cottage, content in his triumph. If the MCU ended here, it would have been a perfect ending. But I’m still curious to see how this will go.

2)         The Closing Close-Up in CAPERNAUM

The closing image of Zain’s (Zain Al Rafeea) face will haunt you beyond the closing credits. Throughout the film, we’ve seen this kid struggle through hell on the streets of Lebanon, trying to protect his sister from their resentful parents and helping an Ethiopian Migrant Worker take care of her son. But when he’s sent to prison for assaulting a pimp who bought his sister, he decides to sue his parents for the crime of bringing him into this miserable world. Writer/director Nadine Labaki never looks away for a second to the brutality of Zain’s world and how it brings out the worst in Zain.

When the film freezes to the image of Zain smiling for a Passport photo, your heart breaks for him as Khaled Mouzanar’s haunting score plays out.

1)         Tish and Fonny’s Walk Through the Park in IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK

No other opening scene has done a better job of putting its audience under its spell than when loving couple Tish (Kiki Layne) and Alfonzo “Fonny” Hunt (Stephan James) stroll through a park holding hands.

There’s beauty in every element of this scene, from Nicholas Britell’s romantic score to the warm looks in the character’s eyes. But what really sells it is James Laxton’s lush cinematography. The colours pop through the yellows and blues on the couple’s clothes and the green of the grass. You are as in love with this couple as they are for each other.

Then the film cuts to Tish visiting Fonny in prison, this time the yellow is the prison, the blue is Fonny’s jumpsuit and the green is on Tish’ outfit. From then one, we know why their love is worth fighting for.

[1] Mostly at the expense of Ariel (Jodi Benson)

[2] Especially when she appears so prominently in the advertisements.

[3] As indicated by a fantasy sequence.

[4] Since we know this was going to be a two parter.

[5] Especially when there are already planned sequels to Black Panther, Spider-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy. After all the money Marvel’s got from Black Panther? They’re not going to give up that meal ticket.

[6] What with Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans retiring their characters.

[belizedeservesbetter]

Pretty Woman the Musical Was So Bad That I Need to Apologize to Mean Girls the Musical

Oh Tina Fey, I’m so sorry I called your musical mediocre

Before I start, I would like to issue an official apology to Mean Girls the Musical. 

Mean Girls the Musical, you’re not so bad. When I said you were mediocre, I didn’t really mean it. When I called you amateur hour, perhaps I was being a little harsh. When I said you were one of the worst scores ever heard on Broadway, I was just disappointed, that’s all. I’m so sorry for calling you a bad musical, because after tonight’s performance of Pretty Woman, I know what a real bad musical is. 

Oh boy.

Where do we begin? 

One of my best friends (let’s call her M for privacy’s sake) and I like bad musicals. We like to have fun at trainwreck musicals. M and I both saw Escape to Margaritaville from the front row rush seats and had an absolute blast. That show is a mess and absolutely terrible, but did we have a good time? Yes. I have never seen M laugh harder than during this weird “snow” scene where the fake plastic snow flakes fell directly onto my head and only onto my head. We could barely breathe during that airplane scene because there was so much dry ice going over us but we were both howling with laughter at the dancing clouds. It was bad. But I knew it’d be bad. I expected it to be bad. Fins was one of the worst choreographed songs of all time but we still do the weird hand movement to each other whenever we hang out. 

But Pretty Woman? 

At least the seats were nice. For anyone wondering, while rush seats are front row, the lottery seats were the boxes. The boxes at the Nederlander Theater are super nice and completely full view so I had a lot of leg room and my seat was comfy and I wasn’t worried about someone tall sitting in front of me. 

The thing about this musical is that it is absolutely terrible in every way but not in a fun way like Margaritaville was. This was a musical that absolutely mediocre and amateur-ish in every way and I’m gonna tell you why. 

The score is in fact the worst score I’ve ever heard on Broadway. It’s bad. It’s childish. The songs have the most generic titles like “Welcome to Our World” “Freedom” “You and I” and “Rodeo Drive,” just to name a few. The lyrics are just as generic and out of place. At one point they rhyme thought with cop and it was just bad. It was like they put absolutely no thought into a single song, and it showed with the performances, but we’ll get to that in a minute. 

The book was, for the most part, just the screenplay of the movie. Garry Marshall is even credited for the book because so much of it is basically the screenplay. But the thing is, the movie is a movie, and for good reason. You can’t just take a movie and put it on stage and expect it to work the same way. Likewise, this musical had me questioning whether the original movie was good in the first place. Because really, if the dialogue was that bad, surely the movie was bad too, right?

But when thinking about it, yeah the dialogue never really was great. It was the star power of Julia Roberts and Richard Gere that made the movie, which brings me to the performances. 

To be honest, no one was good. 

I don’t know whether the bad reviews have gotten to Samantha Barks or she’s just doing the motions now, but she wasn’t good. Like at all. She just seemed like she was there. She didn’t command the stage or even really put much effort into it. Also what was her accent? It was incredibly distracting and screamed, “Look! I’m doing a Julia Roberts impression!” She didn’t really add to the character or elevate what was already there. She didn’t do anything differently than Julia Roberts did, and everything felt incredibly calculated and planned out, down to every laugh and hand gesture. 

Andy Karl isn’t gonna get out of this without a comment from me, because out of everyone I was most disappointed in him. I know he can do better. I have seen him do better. I feel like a disappointed parent because I know he’s a good actor but this just wasn’t it. He didn’t feel present. He was just going through the motions. You could tell he wasn’t feeling the show and didn’t really care for it. The only time you could see he was enjoying himself was at the end when he got to dance with Orfeh. Also, it was super awkward watching him and Samantha Barks kiss when she literally stood right next to them? Like I know it’s a musical and they’re in character but I wish Orfeh stood literally anywhere else other than where she was standing. 

Oh Orfeh. One day the right Broadway show for you will come. Same for you Tommy Bracco and Eric Anderson. You did your best but there was absolutely nothing you could do with the material. 

The choreography was weird because the bulk of the dancing was the cast standing in a line at the back of the stage and strutting forward to the beat of a song. Literally. With the exception of one or two other songs, that was literally every dance number. It didn’t work. It felt forced. 

Likewise, they blocked in a lot of time for applause during certain costume reveals, but no one clapped. It was awkward and we all knew they thought we would clap. Not even the drunk women in the mezzanine who wore blonde Vivian wigs clapped or cheered. 

Another thing, why was the Happy Man a character in this? He added nothing to the plot and the fact that he also played Mr. Thompson the hotel manager didn’t make any sense. Why did Kit all of a sudden want to become a cop? Why did they keep the Edward being afraid of heights thing when it clearly wouldn’t work on stage because we know that the outside of his hotel room is the back of the stage/is level with the ground? Why was Vivian/Kit’s apartment set so shaky and not built right? Edward had good reasons to be afraid of climbing up onto that set because I was afraid it was about to fall over, and I wasn’t the only person who thought this. 

However, the very worst offense of this musical is the fact that it was not about Vivian at all. It was about Edward. At intermission when M and I were talking about it, she put her hand over the Vivian half of my playbill and said that the problem with the musical is that it could be called Pretty Man. At the end of the day, Vivian was simply a pawn for Edward’s character growth. In this musical she was written as having less importance than Edward, which came through clearly in songs and staging. The signs all over the theater kept saying “Fierce Woman!” “Strong Woman!” amongst others, but I never really believed them. Having her hit the Bad Business Man at the end doesn’t make her a strong character, especially since that scene lasts for literally 15 seconds. They stripped away all of Vivian’s vulnerability on her own accord, only revealing it to benefit Edward’s change. 

About halfway through Act Two, I started to think about Angels in America and how amazing and moving that show was. I was wishing I was there instead of Pretty Woman. It was just so much better in every way. Does that make me a pretentious theatre elitist? Maybe it does but I’m not asking for every show to be Angels in America. I’m not, I swear. I don’t want every show to be Angels in America, even. We need fun shows and we need escapist shows but is it too much to ask for them to put a little effort into this? Please for the love of God just put some effort into your Broadway musical! 

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: CRAZY RICH ASIANS

I saw the preview for the movie basically before every other movie I saw this summer. And I didn’t particularly want to see it because it just looked like completely ridiculous escapist nonsense. Now months later (and almost a month after it came out?) I finally saw it and yes: it is completely ridiculous escapist nonsense and I absolutely loved every minute of it. There is one wig! To be discussed.

So this movie is about incredibly attractive rich people and their problems. The main difference between it and any other movie with the same plot is, of course, that this movie stars 100% Asian people and representation matters so amen. The plot involves this really pretty chick dating a really pretty dude in NYC. But the big surprise is that he’s not only super attractive, but super duper rich! A fact that he neglects to tell her when they go to Singapore and meet his family and she realizes that she’s dating the Asian equivalent to Prince Harry. However, her family is so not ready to Meghan Markle her and actually think she is TRASH because she isn’t a billionaire heiress. Essentially, this is Pretty Woman, except the 2018 Singapore version of a hooker is an NYU economics professor. What a world!

There are many other plot points about beautiful rich people being sad but who cares because those parts are boring so let’s focus on the true star of this movie: AWKWAFINA AND THIS GODDAMNED WIG! Awkafina plays the college roommate of the Asian Meghan Markle/Julia Roberts character and basically steals the whole goddamned movie with hilarity and FASHION.

Ken Jeong plays Awkwafina’s dad (in a superior pompadour might I add) and calls Awkwafina’s lewk “Asian Ellen” which is not incorrect and might be a compliment? Anyway the point is that this wig is kinda supposed to be ridiculous and I am here for it because this movie truly works when it realizes how ridiculous it is. LEAN IN.

The wig is not bad! The texture and lack of uniformity are good. The one sometimes sloppy part is the back taper (an issue with 99% of all man wigs and short wigs) but for the most part this just looks like a bad dye job - which is the point! 

It should be noted that Awkwafina’s character essentially wears high fashion pajamas through the entire movie which is LIVING THE DREAM. It also draws upon a best friend portrayal from another escapist film of yore - GLITTER - in which Da Brat wears fancy pajamas to a fancy party and if this movie is drawing upon Glitter as inspiration then AMEN.

Also Awkwafina rolls up to fancy parties not only in fancy pajamas, but making this face. YES.

To be fair, Awkwafina does change into cocktail fashion stored in the trunk of her car for the fancy parties and with the help of Asian Ross Matthews (in the middle), helps Asian Julia Roberts into some VERY EXPENSIVE fancy clothes so she can be taken seriously by Asian Prince Harry’s family. Basically Awkwafina plays the best gal pal AND the fairy godmother all while looking amazing so YES.

Thus we are gifted with makeover montages like this and honestly - is there anything better in a movie than a makeover montage? NO.

Throughout, Awkwafina and her ridiculous wig and perfect fashion choices remain the best part of the movie.

Though I will give a shoutout to Jimmy O. Yang (aka Jian Yang in Silicon Valley) for some choice acting in International Waters. 

I also highly recommend watching this movie with a theater crowd who appreciates the unintentional hilarity in what they are watching. For instance, in this scene depicting a $40 million dollar wedding which involves a lot of emotion onscreen translated to a theater of full on laughter which I was HERE FOR. 

This summer has already brought us another escapist fantasy in the form of a chardonnay soaked caftan (aka Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again!) so I guess this one is in the form of a fun blonde wig and pajamas as daywear. Ok!

Amen.

VERDICT: WURQS

[helenprins]

rewatched all the OCEAN’S films since i’m back on my bullshit and this is my official ranking:

ELEVEN (2001) - literally a masterpiece! it’s one of the smartest movies i have ever seen and absolutely the most glamorous one. it’s such a well-oiled machine and seeing all the pieces fall together gives me such a rush. oh, danny went to see tess in the restaurant to tell her goodbye? yeah, and oh, he planted a phone on her, too! the men made a replica of the vault for practice? yeah, and to record themselves “stealing money” and dupe terry. so many other moments that make this film special and even better on rewatches. it really holds up incredibly well. like, it’s fucking brilliant! there’s high stakes, glitz, comedy, romance, the energy is unreal, danny x tess are my goddamn parents (oh, boy, their romance is iconic and i could go on about it for hours), it’s a perfect movie! i can quote it by heart, i’ve seen it THAT many times! i could watch it on repeat and still not get bored of it! i have actually done that and i absolutely will do it again! i would put it on just for background noise, but hbo is airing TWELVE rn and i keep looking at the television while editing this. I LIVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TWELVE - i think the reason people hate this one (or hated it since i’ve seen the tide turning in the last years) is because it’s not a straightforward heist film and it’s too meta. it’s just movie stars vibing in europe and the heist happens in a flashback at the end. the spectacle of the team IS needed for the story (the night fox had to be duped into thinking he stole the real one otherwise he wouldn’t have given up) and it’s fun! like, a lot of fucking fun! plus, you’ve got the scene where team gets arrested, the tess-as-julia-roberts scene (which is just iconic), and the blue laser scene. matt singer wrote a good defense of the film, but i think even if you wouldn’t watch it from that angle, it’s still great and idk exactly how to articulate my feelings here because i am stupid. whatever, it fucks! i could also watch this a lot and not get bored. these movies are magnetic! (the meeting btwn danny and the night fox is on rn and yeah, YEAH, *YEAH*)

THIRTEEN - the weakest of the trilogy, but it’s still very good. it’s the funniest one imo (virgil and turk in mexico, danny crying watching oprah, linus seducing abigail, everything about terry, yada yada yada) and i love that the plot is the team avenging reuben. they’re a family after all! when i say it’s the weakest of the trilogy i mostly mean that i haven’t watched it fifty times on tcm back in 2013 like i did with the other two, so i don’t have as much nostalgia, i guess, and i’m iffy over the lack of tess. i understand why she wasn’t in it, but i would have loved to see her even in a cameo or smth. she’s the heart of the first film and a vital member of the second one. but really, it’s still a great film and i gave it five stars, so yeah lol. it’s just great to see movie stars, people who love hanging out with each other, have fun and be directed by someone who knows what he’s doing. (also, i didn’t get to mention this before, but my god, everybody looks great in these movies, especially george and julia)

EIGHT - as a heist film, it’s fine, but as an OCEAN’S film, ‘fine’ doesn’t cut it. it should be great, but it’s incredibly dull. the heist is boring, there’s no glamour - the editing and the score/soundtrack are bad (save for GOLD ON THE CEILING), the fashion and jewels don’t wow me (and it’s set at the met gala which lol), and anne hathaway’s performance is headache-inducing - and nobody seems to be having fun. it’s all by the numbers. i don’t look at the characters and see a (found) family or a cast who enjoyed filming, i see people who came in, did their job, and left which fine! but these certain movies are are supposed to be fun for the actors, characters, and audience members. it’s the perfect argument as to why soderbergh should direct every entry in the franchise. he knows glamour, fun, and movie stars better than anybody. and danny ocean faked his death, don’t @ me!

ELEVEN (1960) - i liked it when i first watched it eight years ago, but i dislike it now. it’s boring and contrived (i... don’t remember anything from it and i watched it on the 12th aka. two days ago), none of the characters stand out (save for danny, idk anybody’s names, roles, or personalities), it lacks glamour, there’s blackface *skull emojis*, it’s just not a good movie honestly. the only thing i liked was the ending which saves it from being a disaster and that ‘eee-ooo-eleven’ thing sammy davis jr.’s character keeps humming. the only good thing this film did was be the reason why we have the trilogy.

[knitcrate]

We had so much fun putting together this list of knitters that also happen to be celebrities! Take a look at how some of your favorite stars pass the time and relieve stress with one of our favorite fiber arts. Now, if only we could figure out how to get them a Knitcrate...

photo credit Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato

This sassy, down-to-earth songstress shows a softer side with a simple garter stitch scarf as she travels from one gig to another. Knitting is, after all, the perfect way to unwind after a high-energy night. 

photo credit MGM studios

Ryan Gosling

Hearthrob Ryan Gosling has been the subject of many a ‘Hey Girl’ knitting meme, but he actually does knit. He learned on the set of the quirky indie film, Lars and the Real Girl, where he also sports adorable sweaters (like the one shown above).

photo credit We Are Knitters

Krysten Ritter

We love Krysten for her unapologetic roles in shows like Jessica Jones and Breaking Bad, but now we have a new reason to love this actress: her devotion to knitting. Krysten often shares knitting projects on her Instagram and has been seen knitting on the Tonight Show. She’s not just into garter stitch, either--the actress was interviewed for Interweave, Mollie Makes, and Vogue Knitting this year about her projects, including her design work for We Are Knitters.

photo credit Jae Donnelly for Dailymail.com

Julia Roberts

It’s no secret that Julia Roberts knits--or that she knits so much that even co-stars like Tom Hanks, when given the opportunity, learned too. As one of our favorite knitting celebrities, it’s extra special to see Julia wearing a Women’s March hat that she probably made herself!

photo credit from at-dakota.org

Dakota Fanning

Dakota has been knitting since a young age, and has a habit of gifting her creations to co-stars, like Tom Cruise on the War of the Worlds set, and Ewan McGregor in her more recent film, American Pastoral. It looks like knitters of all stripes can’t help but be generous with their talents. She sounds like the perfect candidate for a knitting subscription, just saying....!

photo credit DailyMail UK

Cara Delevigne

Supermodel and actress Cara Delevigne has been spotted knitting before runway shows as a way to unwind and pass the time. It wouldn’t be a stretch for her to start a new fashion trend if she begins wearing more of her own knitted accessories.

photo credit Lion Brand Yarn

Vanna White

You’ll probably already know that Vanna knits and crochets, due to her popular yarn line with Lion Brand, but here’s a photo of her on-set at Wheel of Fortune, hooking a blanket! 

photo credit Premier Yarns

Deborah Norville

Another celebrity with a big-box line? Deborah Norville from Inside Edition has a collaboration with Premier Yarns that features several knitting books and a much-loved, pill-free acrylic.

photo credit Sony Pictures

Catherine Zeta-Jones

This stunning star was captured knitting behind the scenes on the movie Mask of Zorro, and has been rumored to have knit her whole family ponchos as a Christmas gift one year. (Sound like anyone you know?) 

photo credit unknown, 1959

Audrey Hepburn

Iconic and timeless, this beautiful star was seen knitting between shots on many of her films, but also during the movie Breakfast at TIffany’s. We wonder what she was up to on the set of The Unforgiven, where this shot was taken behind the scenes. 

photo credit Cordon Press

Sarah Jessica Parker

This "Sex and the City" star has been repeatedly spotted knitting on and off set. In a Good Housekeeping article, Sarah was asked how she relaxes. Her reply was: "I read, watch TV, or knit. But I try to knit and watch TV at the same time, which means I end up with many dropped stitches". Read more here. 

photo credit Getty Images

Kristen Davis

SJP's Sex and the City costar knits too! In Lifetime magazine Kristin talked about her passion of knitting for others and with her knitting club. A recent Huffington Post article here cites Kristen as having taught Blake Lively how to knit - way to spread the love, Kristen!

photo credit 20th Century Fox

Marilyn Monroe

Although the pictures are a bit grainy and small, there are some shots of Marilyn knitting on the set of 1960′s Let’s Make Love, a film in which she also wears this fantastic Cowichan-inspired cardigan. You can find some similar patterns here. 

photo credit Daily Mail

Christina Hendricks

The confident beauty shared her love of knitting in an article for CNN--like many of us, she finds the practice of this craft soothing. 

cover photo credit Sixth & Spring Books

David Arquette

His grandmother taught him to knit. How sweet! David loves knitting so much that he appeared on the cover of Celebrity Scarves 2 to support breast cancer research. Speaking of, the Celebrity Scarves books by Abra Edelman are full of wonderful celebrity knitters and features an introduction by another celebrity knitter...

Daryl Hannah

Daryl Hannah was featured on the cover of the 2003 Vogue Knitting magazine, before the 2006 knitting craze that launched sites like Ravelry. 

photo credit Those Heavenly Days

Katherine Heigl

The 27 Dresses and Knocked Up star blogs about her life and crafts, here. She has even stated that she has thought about opening up a knitting shop. (You go, Katherine--we’d all visit for knit night)! 

photo credit Splash News

Amanda Seyfried

The Mean Girls and Mamma Mia star has said that she considers knitting her therapy, and is often seen knitting in public as well as on set. She’s moved far beyond your typical garter stitch and often shares sweaters, including one designed by Steven West, on her social media. 

photo credit Sunday Times Style Magazine

Daisy Ridley

The Star Wars star is an avid knitter. We hope that during those social media breaks, she’s getting lots of knitting time in! 

There are countless more that we’ll have to explore in another post: knitters like Ingrid Bergman, the Notorious RBG (Ruth Bader Ginsburg), Amy Adams, Blake Lively, Russel Crowe, Harry Styles, Lorde, Kate Moss, Karen Allen, Meryl Streep, Angela Lansbury, Kurt Cobain, Uma Thurman, Kate Hudson, and many more have been rumored to pick up hooks, needles, and yarn! We can’t help but wonder how many of these knitters might be secret Ravelry readers and even Knitcrate subscribers. If you’re thinking of taking up knitting or crochet yourself, a subscription is a great place to start.