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neverisalongtime-ja-blog · 7 years

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(Final) Chapter 46: Never is a long time

I have so many things to say in this last post. First of all I want to thank everyone who read the fic and supported it and also followed Anastasia's Instagram. This experience has allowed me to meet so many amazing people around the world and I'll be forever grateful for your friendship during this time. I hope we can all keep in touch. I'm extra proud of myself for finishing this. To be honest with you, there were times when I thought couldn't do it, sometimes I didn't want to, but now I'm happy I did.

It's been a wild year since I started to write this story and my life did a 180° turn since last January when I wrote those first lines after reading another amazing fanfic (Be My Getaway), at that moment I was so alone in life and so depressed that writing this was a light in my dark day to day.

Thank you again, I never expected all the success, even if nobody read it I'm so happy I did this. Life is better now and it's just starting, and I'll keep writing, and I'll continue writing about Anastasia and I hope we can all gather around that story too.

I wanna give special thanks to Adriana for helping me with my grammar, y'all know English is not my first language, to Eva (my new roommate, who would have thought?) for the support and for being JoshAn's number one fan, and to Mai for the love.

And to you for being here with me till the end.

Thank you again, I love you all.

Back in California, Anastasia didn’t have a lot of time to think about Josh’s last unfortunate behavior. The fact that he let her down so many times now was enough for her to stop caring about it, but she couldn’t and she knew it. Now the fact that she still loved Josh as hard as she loved him a year ago didn’t leave her mind. But work was calling and Dead Curse’s new single was all about him, about Josh. “How appropriate”, she though ironically while she was inside a black van on the way to perform on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, a popular talk show on US television.

Jimmy knew Barbara for a long time and, of course, he knew Anastasia as well. After a warm and friendly welcome, An and Mandy did a short interview and then it was time to perform.

“Crossfire” was the name of the song and the rhythm was slow. She never planned to make it a single but the rest of the band was very enthusiastic about it and, as a democracy, they voted it to be the third single from Live Action.

There’s still in the street outside your window

You’re keeping secrets on your pillow

Let me inside, no cause for alarm

I promise tonight not to do no harm

I promise you babe, I won’t be no harm

And we’re caught up in the crossfire

Of heaven and hell

And we’re searching for shelter

Lay your body down

Watching you dress as you turn on the light

I forget all about the storm outside

Dark clouds roll their way over town

Heartache and pain came pouring down like chaos in the rain

They’re heading it out

And we’re caught up in the crossfire

Of heaven and hell

And we’re searching for shelter

Lay your body down

Tell the devil that he can go back from where he came

His fiery arrows drew their beat in vein

And when the hardest part is over we’ll be here

And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

Lay your body down

Next to mine

Josh’s POV

He was speechless. Josh always had certain envy towards the way Anastasia could put the deepest feelings into such melodic songs and that one, the verses he just heard her sing, were about him. He just knew it. Nobody had to tell him. She loved him and yet he let her down. She even told him she would leave it all for him and positive words couldn’t make their way out of his mouth.

There she was, on that screen, singing about him on national television, wearing a short, loose dark blue dress as the one she wore on their first date in New York, even her lips were red like the. It all brought him back to that night and all the amazing nights that followed. How could he? Josh never watched TV, unless it was sports, but Eric told him that Dead Curse would perform at Jimmy Kimmel and something inside of him pushed him to watch it. He didn’t regret it.

By then Josh was single again. Lauren ended up being tired of him not wanted to do anything “fun” with her, that and maybe the five times he called her “Anastasia” by accident –Two during sex. In the end she left him. He didn’t care about it that much, he just let her go and didn’t even try to reach her out again. It didn’t matter; no other woman mattered at the moment for him but Anastasia. A true treasure he let go, he let her space from his arms too many times. And now it was going to be harder than ever. She was with Richard the last time they were together and she, unexpectedly but magically, told him she would “leave it all” for him. But he shattered any opportunity, choosing fear again. How he loved to hear her say that to him, but enough was enough and he thought this time she wasn’t coming back. Life would go on but without her and it wasn’t going to be even half good.

Josh got up from the sofa and walked to the front door of his house. There he had a small table with some mail he hadn’t checked yet, he went through the envelopes until a very fancy one caught his attention. He opened it to discover the invitation to Mandy’s wedding.

Josh held the card in his hands for minutes and hesitated attending the wedding. On the one hand, Mandy became a great friend and many of his own friends were going to be there, but Anastasia would be an obvious presence and he didn't know if he could face her after what happened at Mark's wedding.

Anastasia’s POV

- I hope you aren't disappointed with your bachelorette party - Anastasia told Mandy while both were flying on a private jet.

- Are you insane? You know how much I wanted to visit Tulum! - Mandy said showing real excitement sitting in front of her blue haired friend.

- Yeah, but it's just us travelling. I thought you wanted a big party with a lot of people.

- An, my wedding will be a big party with a lot of people, this is just what I need right now. It all has been so stressful. I need to relax and you need tranquility too... Have you talked to Richard?

Richard... The topic Anastasia was expecting to surface but didn't want to talk about. Anastasia broke up with Richard a week before. She realized how much she still loved Josh and it wasn't fair for Richard, she was with him but thinking about Josh all the time. Richard was such a great boyfriend, loving and supportive that he didn’t deserve that, what she felt for Richard was more admiration than anything else, it was a platonic love but not a real one. The guy was devastated and Anastasia still felt bad about it.

- He actually thought we would be together forever and I thought so too, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about Josh. I truly love him, Mandy, but he will never be ready - Anastasia said.

- So you’ll just avoid love until Josh is ready? - Mandy asked.

- I'm not avoiding love - Anastasia answered - I'm waiting for it because I know Josh is my true love. - Mandy left her seat to hug Anastasia, sitting on her lap.

- I swear, underneath all that hard shell there is this super romantic, cheesy and ridiculous Anastasia that I love - Mandy said smiling.

- I'm gonna reply to that saying that we need to start with the champagne - Anastasia smiled too while Mandy took her seat again and her blue haired friend went for a bottle of champagne.

Tulum was a beautiful beach location in Mexico. Mandy had wanted to go for the longest time, so Anastasia thought it was the perfect place for a bachelorette party. She didn't have enough time to plan the whole thing ahead so there was just the two of then enjoying a best friend's weekend.

And so they did. They arrived on Saturday morning and had a large breakfast with every fruit they could possibly imagine, then they hit the beach until the afternoon. Tulum was an amazing place to find gorgeous handcraft items and both friends shopped until nighttime.

It was time for dinner. An made reservations in a very exclusive restaurant at the shore, it had a balcony and they could see and hear the waves hitting the sand.

- I don't know if this is my bachelorette party or my honeymoon - Mandy said laughing.

- Maybe this will make you fit more into the bachelorette mood - A waiter approached them with two Margaritas.

- This fits into the Mandy mood - They clinked glasses and cheered but Mandy didn't drink - I can't believe you are actually sending us to Fiji.

- It’s where you wanted to go and I told you I'd take care of the honeymoon.

- Yeah, but you are so good to me!

- Mandy, you are my best friend. You have to deal with me everyday, this is the least I could do for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and this is what best friends do.

- So I have to start planning your honeymoon in Mykonos for when you marry Josh - Anastasia smiled, how well that pink haired girl knew her.

- I'm probably more excited than you about your wedding - Anastasia said changing the subject.

- I'm excited but this is just a step. My relationship with Peyton isn't gonna change because of it.

- Why aren't you drinking your Margarita? - Anastasia asked noticing Mandy hadn't taken a sip of it yet.

- I am - Mandy answered laughing and not touching the glass.

- Of course not, and you didn't drink champagne on the plane either! - Anastasia told her friend with a suspicious look.

- You don't miss a thing, do ya? - Mandy was still laughing.

- Oh my God, Mandy! - Anastasia screamed realizing the whole thing.

- You can't tell anybody. Nobody knows. I'm going to announce it at the wedding. Only Peyton knows about it. - Mandy said with a huge smile on her face.

- You really are pregnant? - Anastasia asked and Mandy just nodded - I'm fainting, for real. I'm gonna be an aunt again! How far along are you?

- Five weeks, kinda - Mandy said - I'm very regular with my periods and I just missed one and I knew it, Peyton went with me to the doctor and the test was positive. He cried, I freaked out.

- I'm freaking out!

- Not even mom knows about it. Neither does Nick. I'm going to announce it at the wedding and it fucking sucks I can't drink on my own wedding - Mandy stopped when she saw tears in Anastasia's face - Are you crying?

- Yes. I love you so much. This is perfect.

Mandy got up from her chair and went to hug her friend.

- This baby is keeping me from drinking but I can still eat so let's eat everything! - Mandy said smiling with Anastasia.

- Isn’t Mexican food too strong for the baby?

- Well, it’ll have to step it up if it wants to come to this world?

- “It”? - Anastasia was laughing.

- We don't know if it's a girl or a boy so we call it "It". It looks like an alien, a penny sized alien. Are you nervous to see Josh at the wedding? - Mandy threw the words without warning.

- Again with the Josh thing? - Anastasia said - I'm always nervous when I’m about to see him. Even after he dumped me after having the best sex of his life. How are you so sure he will be at the wedding?

- Oh, come on! How is he going to miss it?

- Anyway, if he goes I'm sure he is going with Lauren.

- Darling, Lauren is in the past.

- How come?

- Lauren broke up with Josh because he was "too boring" for her.

- God! Poor Josh!

- Nah! Josh was good with it.

- How do you know everything about it?

- Nick likes to gossip - Mandy said with total calm and that made Anastasia burst with laugh - He does! He is the gossipy aunt.

- Shut up! - She was really happy that Josh was single again; it was like a never ending feeling of hope. - I don't know why I'm glad about it.

- Because you want him...

- I can't believe you are pregnant! Cheers to that! - Anastasia said raising her Margarita glass and drinking from it, ignoring the Josh issue and changing the conversation topic.

On Mandy’s wedding day, Anastasia woke up very early at Barbara's place. The first rays of sunlight made their way through the curtains which made her regret drinking so much the night before. It was hard to get out of bed but she did, took a shower, grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a pair of sneakers and went downstairs where Barbara was feeding the twins.

- I just had a dejà-vu - She said looking at her big sister.

- Are you going to the venue? - Barbara asked.

- Yes. I'm pretty sure Mandy didn't sleep at all - the blue haired girl answered.

- I will get ready here, wait for the babysitter Anthony is gonna bring and then I’ll leave for the mansion.

- Okay! - An gave Barbara a kiss on the cheek, and one to each twin - See ya later! I love you! - She said walking out the door.

Mandy was going to get married at Malibu. She and Peyton rented a huge and beautiful mansion overlooking a cliff from where you could see all the seashore. They would have the ceremony there, the place also had access to a private beach.

Anastasia drove there to find a huge amount of people setting everything up and decorating. There was pink and blue flowers everywhere, the colors were because their friendship - Peyton didn't really care about it - and shiny, sparkly things all over the place, crystals, glitter, everything.

She walked upstairs to the main bedroom which was set up with a huge makeup and hair station.

- I'm about to throw up - Mandy was lying in a giant bed.

- Don't be so overdramatic - Anastasia jumped next to her - It should be one of the happiest days of your life, relax!

- No, I actually have morning sickness - Mandy said.

- Oh, fuck!

- Richard sent me a huge, beautiful flower arrangement - Mandy said.

- Really? - Anastasia wasn't expecting that but it showed her how good of a gentleman Richard was.

- And a Congratulations card.

- Now I feel bad - Anastasia said- Richard was so good to me. What if he was the one and I let him slip away?

- No, he wasn't. Your one is gonna be here tonight.

- It’s time to go - Anastasia got up from the bed – Is there any food downstairs? I'm starving.

- You’re kidding, right? There's food like for an army! Let's go!

After eating some delicious buns with cheese and garlic the chef was making, the girls started to get ready. Hannah was the other bridesmaid and Mandy's mom was there too to get her hair and makeup done.

When it was time to see Mandy with her wedding dress, nobody could hold back the tears.

- You don't even know why you’re crying! -Mandy laughed.

- Because you look beautiful! - Mandy's mom said.

- I look beautiful all the time and I have never seen you crying about it! - She was still laughing.

Mandy's pink hair had 50’s vibe waves, and her dress was strapless with handmade embroidered appliqué. Makeup was natural. She looked beautiful. The shoes were blue and you could read “Wifey for life” on the soles. The veil was a showstopper, it had more embroidered ornaments, including two blue birds carrying a ribbon from where you could read “And they lived happily ever after”.

Anastasia, on the other hand, wore a pale pink dress with a deep cleavage and embroidered stars all over, her midnight blue hair was up in a messy bun.

The walk to the aisle was the weirdest thing An ever did. She was accompanied by the best man, Peyton's childhood friend from Colorado. All the eyes were on Mandy when it was her turn to make appear on the set of the ceremony. The last light of the day painted the sky and her pink hair was shining. Anastasia saw Peyton's jaw dropping to the floor.

An also gave a look to the assistants; she saw Chad, Flea and Anthony next to Barbara, Nick - her father, who always saw Mandy as another daughter- Mark and Steph. She also saw Eric, Nick and Jonathan. She saw many of their high school friends, some musician friends and then there he was, sitting on the fifth row, behind Anthony. His hair was straightened and he was wearing a tux in his right size. Next to him was his sister Kelly and some guys from The Getaway tour, they made a lot of friends there. Josh’s eyes were completely on Anastasia, he wasn't hiding it. She smiled and waved, he smiled and waved back. And there she was again, looking at the true love of his life.

The ceremony was longer than expected so when the Minister said the phrase “You may kiss the bride” it was a relief for everyone. It was time to party. Anastasia talked to almost everyone in the party. She danced with Mandy and with Nick, announced a huge surprise for the bride: she managed to get the Backstreet Boys to perform, Mandy's favorite childhood band, and then –as in a wedding full of musicians– some guests grabbed instruments and put together an improvised band, Chad and Mark among the members. Of course, they played every cover people requested.

It was so much fun. Anastasia wasn't avoiding Josh but maybe he was because they didn't cross paths in the entire evening. At one moment Mandy decided to pick up the microphone to say some things.

- Hello everyone! - She was so happy - Y'all know how I don't like to be on a stage - she said sarcastically and everyone laughed - and thank God I have one on my own wedding. I wanna thank everyone for being here and celebrating this obvious step of our relationship after eight years together. I couldn't imagine sharing my life with anybody else and I'm so lucky I found true love so early in life and without the hard work that it implies - She looked at Peyton who was next to her- But we are not only celebrating our wedding today - Anastasia smiled wide and looked at Nick because she wanted to see his face, he was going to be so excited to be an uncle - but also the begging of our family and I want to inform all that if I treated you like trash and screamed you during this weeks is because I have a baby in my belly and you are going to have to deal with that for another eight months.

Nick's jaw fell to the floor and Mandy's mom started to cry. Everyone was so happy for them and ran to hug them and congratulate them. Anastasia saw the perfect opportunity to step out and walked downstairs to the private beach the Mansion had. The moonshine reflected on the water and it made it look like glitter. She started to think about everything that just happened and how unlikely it would be to happen to her. Her heart was Josh's and she couldn't carry a child inside her; she started to cry thinking that something was always going to be missing from her life.

She looked at the shore and cried, like she hadn’t cried in a long time. She looked at the sky and back to the horizon, then she felt a pair of arms around her.

- I'm sorry to be crying at your wedding- she said turning herself thinking it was Mandy but no, it was Josh. She was so shocked the tears stopped running.

- Weddings can get a bit emotional, especially when the bride's pregnant - Josh said hugging her. She felt such relieve with those arms around her that she hugged him too. It was always the same, Josh breaks her heart and then appears giving her love and she forgot about the past.

- Yeah. A thing that will not happen to me - She said.

- Being pregnant at your wedding? - Josh said smiling, Anastasia melted watching him doing that - It can happen if you plan it.

- Being pregnant in general.

- How come? - Josh looked at her without breaking the hug and she remembered that she never told Josh she wasn't fertile, now she had to.

- I never told you this, because I don't really talk about it, but my reproductive system doesn’t work well and I'm not fertile, I can't be a mother - surprisingly for her, Josh hugged her tightly and then carry her to sit in the sand.

- You can be a mother, there's some other ways, adoption or even a surrogate.

- Would you like that the woman you marry can't carry your own child inside of her?

- It’s the 21st century, I can live with that. It will be our child no matter what - Those words went straight into Anastasia's heart.

- You need to stop being so damn perfect - Josh smiled.

- I'm not. You are and yet I'm always letting you go - Anastasia just shrugged - I don't want to give you the same speech I'm always giving you, how many times can I be sorry about my behavior towards you? - Anastasia opened her mouth to speak but Josh shut her up - Let me do the talking this time. When I heard about your break up with Richard I told myself that this was the time, it was it, no more fear, no more delays, I want you and I want you now. I love you, Anastasia, and I was always sure of that and part of not being able to be with you was my fear of losing you. But I lost you so many times I decided I'm not going to be afraid of the future, I just want to enjoy the rest of my days with you next to me. I want to wake up and see you, I want to sleep with you in my arms, I want to be with you and adopt a child together. I'm ready, I'm not afraid anymore.

Anastasia was speechless, what could she possibly say? Her dream was finally coming true and Josh was all there for her, she couldn't believe it.

- I know it’s going to be hard for you to believe I'm not gonna run away again - He continued talking - And I can't ask you to believe me, I'm just going to show you. Let me show you.

An kissed him. She couldn't resist it. As much as her dress let her, she jumped over him and kissed him, long and deep kisses. She felt little smiles in his face between kisses and that made her smile too; both started to laugh and stopped the kissing session to look at each other.

- How did you know I was here? - She asked.

- Before the wedding started I took a walk around, I found this access to the beach and thought it was a great place to escape from people for a moment. I was looking for you at the party and couldn't find you so I just knew you were here - They were so alike.

- I love you, Josh. I never stopped loving you and I never will. You are my other half and even if you run away I know you are going to make your way back to my arms and I'll be here, waiting for you because there's no other man I want by my side - she started to cry and Josh wiped the tears from her cheeks with his long fingers, then hugged her again.

- You know? I keep the book you gave me at Christmas on a shelf in my room and I look at it every night before sleep and every morning when I wake up to make sure I never forget you - Anastasia gave him a short kiss this time.

Both got up and Anastasia tried to clean her dress, it was all covered in sand, Josh helped her as both laughed.

- I know you maybe don't want a big wedding or don't want a wedding at all - He knew her so well - But would you accept being with me the rest of our days on Earth?

- I really thought I would never hear those words from your mouth - She said.

- Well, never is a long time - Anastasia smiled at him for quoting his own songs - but it happens in the end.

- I don't know what's going to happen in a year, five or forty, I'm just sure that I want to see your face, and hug your body and kiss your lips until I die.

Josh kissed her again, a deep kiss, a meaningful one, this wasn't a death kiss, it was a forever kiss.

#Josh Klinghoffer #JoshKlinghoffer #Josh Klinghoffer fanfic #Josh Klinghoffer fanfiction #fanfic #fan fic #fanfiction #fan fiction #Klinghoffer #Red Hote Chili Peppers #redhotchilipeppers #rhcp #JoshAn #never is a long time

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boy-at-a-bus-stop · 7 years

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does anyone ever read the shit i write up here? it would make sense to read it, at least sometimes. So this is the 8th chapter, and i guess it’s a bit shorter than most of the others but i love it, i really do. There are a few songs mentioned in this chapter and it would make sense to listen them… And i used different quotation signs this time, i hope tumblr likes these better… and i hope there aren’t too many typos in here… anyway, i hope you enjoy this chapter as much as i do, and thanks for reading

Eight

I didn’t call Josh that day. I didn’t call him even though I had said that I would. I felt like Josh just needed some time on his own, some time to sober up again and some time to think about everything that had happened. To really think about it, not just wish it hadn’t happened. I felt like this was the perfect time for him to do so. He knew that I would talk to Bob and that I did my best to help him. And that John did the same. He still needed the time. And I probably needed some time, too.

The things John had said were still stuck in my head and I had come to the conclusion that he was right and that I shouldn’t worry that much. Things shouldn’t be that hard, hard? Especially when it comes to these hinds of things. They should just work out, at least in the beginning they should. Because if they don’t and if things feel wrong in one way or another, there is no way for this to work out. And I don’t want to say that there was anything that felt wrong between Josh and I, no, it felt great to be honest, yes I was confused as fuck but it still felt great, I just felt that I wasn’t enjoying this feeling of having someone I could connect with enough. I felt like my worry was destroying this great feeling - and that it might even be destroying our friendship and whatever it might or might not have been turning into.

So I didn’t call Josh that day, I did other things instead, things like cleaning the apartment, reading, listening to music, the kind of stuff you do when you don’t have to work and you don’t really have plans. I talked to my dad on the phone, he and Michelle had arrived in Illinois safely but they were tired so we didn’t talk for long. Then Susan called me a bit later and we talked for about 20 minutes but.. she really started getting on my nerves after a bit so I came up with some kind of excuse so that I could hang up and wouldn’t have to talk to her any longer. I personally really feel like doing something like this is actually beneficial for friendships, even if it may not seem all too nice at first. You just need to look at it this way: If I hadn’t done this and just would have kept talking to Susan I would definitely have become more and more annoyed by the minute. And if i’m annoyed I get really pissy so Susan would definitely have noticed that there was something wrong. In the end we would probably have fought. So it is better if I end the call before we get that far, right?

I didn’t do much after that and I went to bed quite early and for the first time in what felt like forever I actually slept well. I don’t think that these every-day things are interesting to you so I won’t go into detail here. I just know that I normally don’t really care about what a person exactly does before they go to bed and whether they braid their hair before they go to bed. I mean everyone knows how these things work, right? So I (for once) won’t spam you with unnecessary information. Let’s just say I went to bed early, okay? And I woke up late, around 12 pm actually, this time feeling fresh and ready to start another day. Yeah, I just said i’d start another day at 12 pm. Better latter than never, right? I stayed in bed for a bit after I woke up, I just didn’t feel like leaving the magical place that is my bed right away.

I finally did crawl out of my bed nevertheless, being hungry and thirsty isn’t that nice after all so I came to the conclusion that it would be better to leave my warm and comfy bed to get something to eat and drink. I had just sat down at the table with a glass of milk and a bowl of cereal when my cellphone rang. I took a look at it, wondering who was calling me and saw that it was Sophia (my flatmate I told you about earlier). I answered the phone and before I could even say ‘hello’ Sophia started talking in a hysteric way (and she seemingly forgot that I didn’t speak a single word of Portuguese because the first few sentences she said were in Portuguese) and ended her (useless) speech with a equally hysteric, »Where the fuck are you?« All of sudden it all made perfect sense to me: I had totally forgotten that Sophia returned from her vacation in Brazil that day and that I was supposed to pick her up at the airport. »Fuck«, was all I said before hanging up and searching my keys. When I had found them I headed straight to the door, put on my shoes and left, still in my Pjs. Yeah, better don’t ask, I drove to the airport in my Pjs, my hair was a mess, I hadn’t even brushed my teeth but in this moment I didn’t care. I didn’t want to let Sophia wait any longer than she already had, I didn’t want to let her down.

I drove to the airport as fast as I could (which wasn’t that fast even though it wasn’t rush hour) and called Sophia when I had reached it. It took us a few more minutes to find each other in the huge airport. When I finally spotted her in the crowd of people leaving the airport I ran towards her, I really didn’t care about my looks at all in that moment. »Sophia, i’m so sorry, I really forgot«, I then said as I hugged her. »It’s fine, don’t worry, i’m sorry if I made you feel guilty or something earlier on, I was just really stressed and kind of pissed when you were nowhere to be seen, I just really want to go home…«, Sophia mumbled and then pulled away, looking at me with her dark brown eyes. She really looked exhausted. »By the way, why are you still wearing pajamas?!«, Sophia then asked, a tired smile forming on her face. »Oh, uh«, I looked down and smiled myself, »I had just gotten up when you called me and I left right after hanging up« Sophia’s smile grew a bit bigger, »Oh my god this is such a typical thing to do for you. I’m so glad to be back, I missed you« »I missed you too. Come on, let’s go«

We got into the car and I drove home, Sophia sitting on the passenger seat with her eyes closed. We didn’t talk on our way home and because I hadn’t turned on the car radio the only noises one could hear were the noises the engine made. We soon reached the apartment building and I helped Sophia carrying her luggage up the stairs to our apartment. As we approached the front door I saw that there was something laying on the doormat. I bent down to have a closer look at it when I was standing right in front of the door and came to see that it was a small cardboard box and a piece of paper laying underneath it. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering who could have put this on my doormat. »Oh, Ally, is there something you should tell me?«, Sophia said as the came closer and saw me standing in front of the door with the cardboard boy and the piece of paper in hand, a small smile on her face, »You never told me about your secret admirer« I rolled my eyes at her comments. »Don’t you want to just go back to Brazil?«, I asked in a sarcastic tone while I locked open the door and walked in, Sophia’s bag in one hand and the cardboard box plus piece of paper in the other one. Sophia ignored my questions and went straight into her bedroom where she just laid down on her bed.

I saw that my glass of milk and my bowl of cereal were still standing on the living room table, of course they were, I mean I hadn’t even touched them before leaving. Since the milk and cereal were uneatable by now and I was sure that Sophia was just as hungry as me I decided to order pizza. While waiting for the pizza I took a closer look at the things that had been laying on the doormat. First I unfolded the piece of paper and started to decipher the quite small handwriting. To my great surprise the piece of paper turned out to be a short note from Josh, and it said the following:

Hi A…

I’m sorry if this is weird to you and I completely understand it if you find this too awkward but I hope you don’t. I just wanted to thank you for helping me… and apologize for making things complicated. So I made this for you, I hope you like it. These are some of my favorite songs…

btw Bob apologized to me. I’m in the band again, thank you.

And I hope you have a cassette player.

J…

I smiled to myself and laid the note on the table, my hands shaking and my heart pounding as I opened the cardboard box. Inside was an audio cassette, clearly a mixtape Josh had made for me. There was a piece of paper with the titles of the songs on the tape in the plastic box the cassette was in. According to this note the cassette had the following songs on it.

I’m waiting for the day - the Beach Boys

. All Along the Watchtower - Bob Dylan

Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix Experience

the Twilight Zone - Rush

Us and Them - Pink Floyd

To the End - Blur

No Surprises - Radiohead

Ocean Size - Jane’s Addiction

Wishlist - Pearl Jam

Fell on Black Days - Soundgarden

Heroes - David Bowie

Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

I knew almost all the songs on the mixtape already but I still decided to take the time and listen to it start to finish so I put the tape and the note aside and waited for the pizza to be delivered. While waiting I read Josh’s note again and again. I couldn’t believe that Josh had made a mixtape for me, no one had ever done something as nice and sweet for me. I really appreciated this, and I couldn’t stop smiling to myself while Sophia and I were eating in the living room.

»So, who’s that secret admirer of yours?«, my flatmate asked after a bit. »What? Who?« »Well, someone must have put this cardboard box in front of our door, and I suppose that it wasn’t Santa Claus«, Sophia said, rolling her eyes at me. »Don’t call him that«, I giggled, »that sounds as if he was a stalker or something!« Sophia smiled, »But he is your secret admirer, right?« I felt myself blushing and just silently shook my head. »Oh, Ally«, my flatmate laughed, »Come on, tell me more« »There’s nothing to tell you, really« »Yeah, for sure…«, Sophia said in a sarcastic tone, then she reached for my the cardboard box that was still standing on the table but I was faster than her, grabbed it myself and put it out of her reach. »What’s in there?«, she asked. »Nothing of your interest«, I mumbled. »Come ooooon, who’s the mysterious guy and what did he get you?«, Sophia whined, desperate to learn more about my ‘secret admirer’. »Could you please calm down?!«, I muttered. »Only if you tell me more about your lover«, she whispered and winked at me. I sighed but giggled, »Okay… First of all, he’s NOT my lover, and he’s not my secret admirer« Sophia raised her eyebrows at me but didn’t say anything. »He’s a friend - a very good friend, I admit that, but he’s not my lover, he’s not my secret admirer and he’s not my boyfriend«, I continued and then silently added , »At least not yet«

»What’s his name?«, Sophia asked, it seemed like she really hadn’t heard what I had said to myself. »Josh«, I responded and as I said his name I felt a smile forming on my face, »Joshua Adam Klinghoffer…« »Wow, what a name «, Sophia laughed, »Tell me more about him « So I told her more about Josh and I won’t repeat all I told her since you already know all these things. After I had finished talking Sophia said, »Oh god Ally, you should see yourself, you look so happy when you’re talking about him« I felt myself blush and looked down at the table. »So, what did he get you? What’s in that cardboard box?«, she asked after a few minutes of silence. »Um, he didn’t really get me anything, but… He made me a mixtape with some of his favorite songs on it«, I responded, looking at the box. »OH. MY. GOD. That’s so cute!«, Sophia shrieked. I laughed at her reaction, she was so wonderfully emotional. Just in that moment I felt how much I had missed her. I mean yeah, she may be annoying from time to time, she may be a bit over the top with her emotions and her love for drama, but at the end of the day she is one of my best friends. And even though I didn’t mind spending a few days or even weeks without her and even though it took me a while to see it, I had really missed her while she hadn’t been there. The apartment had been awfully empty and lifeless without her. Sophia yawned, »I should probably go to bed now, though, I’m so freaking tired« I giggled, then sighed and looked at her. »I’m so glad you’re back« She smiled at me and responded, »Me too, it feels so good to be back, to be home«

Sophia hugged me before disappearing into her room, a small smile on her face. I threw away the empty pizza boxes before entering my own room and searching my walkman, I couldn’t wait for listening to Josh’s mixtape even though I already knew most of the songs (as I already said before). I just felt that this was special, this was something Josh had made for me, these were some of his favorite songs, and he had made this mixtape just for me. And even if this might not seem like a big deal to you, it definitely was a big deal to me, this was special to me. It took me some time to find my it, compact cassettes weren’t exactly the audio format I used the most so I didn’t use my walkman that often and I was so glad I hadn’t thrown it away by that time. When I finally found it I put the tape in it, put my headphones on and pressed play.

I listened to the mixtape start to finish for a few times, enjoying it with every fiber of my heart and soul. Josh had again proved his great taste in music to me. And this tape was definitely one of the best things anyone had ever given to me. I loved every song on there and I enjoyed every second of listening to these songs Josh had chosen to give to me on this mixtape, the songs he wanted me to hear and maybe the songs he wanted to remind me of him. I was playing the tape over and over again, not even noticing that there was almost three minutes of silence ‘recorded’ on the tape after the last song. I just listened to the songs on it over and over again for literally days.

So it’s no wonder that it took me so long to notice. And I probably wouldn’t have noticed it at all myself. It was Sophia who brought it up. We were sitting on the couch in the living room two days later (and I had already thanked Josh for the tape by then but he didn’t react to my text messages which I found kinda awkward) and listened to the mixtape through her boombox and when Stairway to Heaven had finished I got up from the couch to rewind the cassette when Sophia said, »Wait a second, I feel like this wasn’t the last recording on the tape « I looked at her confused, »What do you mean? This was the twelfth song, the last one on the list. I listened to this a thousand times, I would have noticed if there was one more track on there« Sophia looked me deep in the eyes, »Come on, it won’t hurt you, will it? I really feel like there’s a hidden track on there or something« »Yeah, for sure, a hidden track on a mixtape «, I laughed. I sat back down though, and waited for the minute long silence to prove Sophia wrong. Just when I took a breath to say something along the lines of, »See, no hidden track, there’s no 13th track on there« I heard something.

It sounded like someone was cleaning his throat, I looked at Sophia and she was looking back at me with big eyes. It seemed like she hadn’t really expected this either. I quickly pressed the 'pause’-button on the boombox, as much as I appreciated Sophia’s friendship, I felt like this, whatever it would turn out to be, wasn’t supposed to be heard by anyone but me. I just as quickly put the cassette into my walkman, put on the headphones and pressed 'play’ while walking into my bedroom and closing the door behind me. I felt my heart race as I sat down on my bed.

»Um, hi, it’s me«, I heard Josh’s voice say, then there was a nervous giggling and some more silence, »What shall I say? Um, I really, really hoped you’d find this… which might seem kinda weird, I mean after all I hid it, didn’t I? Hiding something and hoping for a certain person to find it is a bit paradoxical, i’m aware of that«, again there was a bit of nervous laughter to be heard on the recording, »but well, that’s just who I am. And… um… I just wanted to ask if… if you’d like to spend some more time with me. Like, actually spend time with me, not just sitting around in the studio while i’m there… I mean, i’m not asking for a date… I kind of am, though. Um, okay, so… please just let me know if you heard this and if you want to spend more time with me or… okay, I guess i’ll just stop wasting your time now, I don’t really know what to say anymore… okay, bye«

With that the recording ended. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Had this really happened? Had Josh just asked me for a date? Had he just asked me for a date through a hidden track on a mixtape he had made for me? I really couldn’t believe it. I felt incredibly happy, shocked and overwhelmed at the same time. This clearly explained why he hadn’t responded to my text messages, he must have thought that I was just ignoring his message on the tape, that I didn’t want to go out with him or just spend more time with him and that he had embarrassed himself. But he really hadn’t. This was the best thing that could have happened, the cutest idea ever. I couldn’t believe it. I listened to the short hidden recording of his voice over and over again, trying to make myself understand that this was real.

I resisted the urge to immediately text Josh and forced myself to lay down on my bed for a bit and try to calm down. I didn’t really succeed. I was way too excited about this, I was way too excited about what had just happened. So I went back into the living room where Sophia was still sitting on the couch, seemingly waiting for me to come back and report to her on what I had just heard on the tape. I couldn’t really find the words to tell her what had happened, though, so I just stood in front of her, trying to figure out what had happened and how I was felling. And trust me, this wasn’t an easy thing to do at all.

»Josh… he…«, I stuttered, »I… he… I need to talk to him right now, like, in person« Sophia laughed, »Oh Ally, seems like whatever he did, he did the right thing« I couldn’t stop smiling, »Yeah I guess he did« Just a few minutes later I was on my way to Josh’s place, driving down the roads of LA as the nautical dusk made the sky turn bright red and the many lights that illuminated the city at night were switched on one after the other. I was still listening to the mixtape, my car had a cassette player. And as I drove down the roads I remembered John’s words and thought, maybe Josh’s soul and mine really were meant to be together. Maybe.

#chapter 8 #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #fanfic #rhcp

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disorderfanfic · 8 years

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-2-

She's only 18…

‘Un-fucking-believable!’ Anthony shouted and ran to me. In a blink of an eye I was in his arms, above the floor, spinning around in the Josh’s living room.

‘Hey… I’m a bit dizzy’ I said trying not to throw up.

He laughed and let me go. Gosh, how much I missed this sound. It was one of things that made you cheer up instantly. We couldn’t stop smiling while we observed each other. He really matured, but in the good way! You can say that he is the type of men, who look better when they get older. Just like wine – it gets more valuable and tastier with its age. But wait a moment…

‘Ant, really? A moustache? What the heck?’

We could hear Josh laugh from the kitchen. He stood there with a smirk on his face and crossed arms.

‘I told you the same thing’ he said looking straight at Anthony with twinkle in his hazel eyes.

‘Shush people, women loves it! And you should better look in the mirror. Nice Hello Kitty band-aid by the way’ Anthony said proudly nodding at my head. I instinctively touched my brow and looked at Josh.

‘Hello Kitty? Really?’

‘Sorry, I had nothing else.’ he smiled at me.

‘Back to the topic. How are you? Are you alright? How you two know each other? Did you ate something? Gosh, you are so skinny! And this long hair! They are even longer than mine back days!’ he started ranting. We sat on the couch, while Ant still asked me questions not stopping for a minute to catch a breath. This guy really had capacious lungs and impeccable diction.

‘Hey, stop with this examination. She had enough stress yesterday’ Josh said sitting next to me.

‘Alright, alright… What happened?’ Ant asked with worried look on his face.

‘Well…’ I was trying to find perfect words for telling him the story. ‘I kinda fucked up…’

‘Hey, it’s not your fault, don’t even try to blame yourself!’ Josh objected.

‘But, I should be more responsible…’

‘Can someone tell me what the hell happened?! I’m really getting worried.’ Ant raised his voice.

‘Alright…’ I exhaled the air out of my lungs and started to tell the story. With every minute Anthony got much tensed, he also started gritting his teeth so I took his hand and squeezed it trying to calm him down. Josh was by my side all the time with his hand on my back, while he tried to comfort me. After I finished, Anthony was shaking from anger.

‘This motherfucker…I’m so glad that you are okay’ He pulled me in his arms and held tightly.

‘Thankfully to Josh.’ I said drawing back, smiling to my savior. Josh blushed and started playing with the edge of his to big sweater. He really didn’t like to be in the center of attention.

‘So… Yeah… How you two know each other?’ he finally asked with nervous voice.

‘Well… She is my one and only Bambi face.’ Anthony said with a huge smile on his face. He laughed seeing my reaction to my old nickname and started to tell Josh our story.

***

‘We are going to attend the Hillers party tomorrow night.’ the pretentious voice interrupted my thoughts. I’ve been sitting in living room and observed fire in the fireplace. My mother-in-law walked further into the room with snobby smirk on her face.

‘Jake is going to be there, I know he wants to spent some time with you’

The flashback of his face made me shiver with disgust. Jake was a player, with his golden skin, blond hair and Hollywood smile he had every girl down on her knees in a minute. But not me. He didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t impressed by his ‘perfect’ personality and look. So he took up a challenge to win my heart.

‘Unfortunately, it’s only unilateral’ I answered crossing my arms.

‘Ohh, my poor girl. Get used to it, because you might be his wife in future. We wealthy people have to stick together.’ she caressed my cheek with her spiked fake nails.

‘In your fucking dreams.’ I answered emphasizing every word and pushed her hand away from me.

‘Ohh… Little girl is getting annoyed? That’s bad cause your father already agreed to that.’ she smiled showing her white teeth. She was so happy to make me furious.

‘Fun fact! As opposed to you I’m not a gold digger’ I stood up and came close to her. Annie’s facial expression changed immediately.

‘Don’t you dare to talk to me like that!’ she screamed in high pitch voice and slapped me. I couldn’t believe that. Oh bitch, it’s not going to end like that. I raised my hand planning the repay but I were interrupted by husky voice:

‘What the hell are you two doing?!’ my dad was standing in the door step watching us.

‘Oh darling… I couldn’t do anything! She went mad and slapped me! And I was only asking about her school. Do something!’ the embodiment of evil played her little scene and run up to my father. I crossed my arms and waited for his reaction.

‘Alexandrine, what were you thinking?! Are you mad?!’ Dad hugged Barbie tightly and checked her face. When he was done, I could see a hint of vicious smile on her lips.

‘It’s not what you think it is!’ I tried to tell but he interrupted me again.

‘Yeah? I clearly saw what happened.’

‘It’s misunderstanding. But you won’t listen to me, huh?’ I screamed raising my hands and tried to left the room.

‘Come back here, right now! What would your mother think about your behavior?!’

He went straight for the jugular. I turned around.

‘Don’t you even fucking dare recalling mum! What would she think about the way you are acting right now!? Hmm… Let’s see.’ I took a step forward.

‘Have you know that your sweet little daughter Rosie is failing all her classes because she is too busy drinking in clubs and hooking up with random guys. Ohhh yeah you don’t mind because they all come from wealthy families. Right?’ Another step closer.

‘Well, what’s next? Do you remember when was the last time we spent some time as family? Because I do. It was a week before mum passed away, she wanted to go on beach with us and spent a normal day like we used to.’ Another step.

‘Talking about mum, she loved you unconditionally, she didn’t care about money or fame. She just wanted a happy family’ I took the last step.

‘And look at you right now. You are a fucking sugar daddy to some ugly ass gold digger who is apparently 4 years older than me. So do you think mum would be proud of you?’ I stood right in front of them with fierce look on my face.

My father was red as tomato. In a blink of an eye, he took his hand and swiped at me. I couldn’t believe that this bitch had him whipped. And that he took her side…

‘I can clearly see that you two are worth each other.’ I said and rushed out of living room.

Hold together you can’t show your weakness. I’ve ran up the stairs to my room, took my backpack and packed things that were on hand. I’ve stopped in the doorstep and took a look at my room. I’m not gonna miss that posh, fake life. I closed the door and run out of the house into the darkness with voices screaming behind me.

***

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t see where I was going. I didn’t care to be honest. It started to rain and I was drenched to the skin. I tried to find my location, but I couldn’t recognize the neighborhood. I sat resigned on the pavement leaning on the fence. There was no one to be seen. Congratulations Alex… You have no family no money, no job and you don’t have a place to stay. Good job. I sighed and hid my face in hands. I started humming the only song that soothed the pain. I quietly sang word the most accurate words in this situation: ‘While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me’. I sobbed when suddenly I felt a hands on my knees.

‘Hey, are you alright?’ a man squatted in front of me. At a first sight he looked menacingly with spiked hair and tattoos, but the pitch of his voice had warm, calming vibes.

‘Why would you even care?’

‘Because you are sitting right in front of my house. Are you lost?’ he asked scanning my face with his big brown eyes.

‘Lost? Well… Yes and no. I don’t know where we are, but I have nowhere to go, so guess I don’t care’ I said.

‘Aww, a little rebelled teen that has escaped from home?’ he laughed and stood up.

‘What is so funny?’ I asked looking up to his face.

‘Been there, done that. Alright Bambi face, get your ass up.’ he reached out to me.

‘Why should I trust you? You may pull me inside and kill me.’ I asked crossing my arms.

‘If you want you can sleep on the pavement sweetheart. Trust me.’ he stood still with his hand reached out to me. I sighed and took it. He helped me stand up, took my backpack and opened the gate.

‘Ladies first.’ he smiled as we went further. We walked inside the house greeted by sweet voice.

‘Baby, are you home? Ohh… Hello!’ a beautiful brunette appeared. She was tall and so skinny. She had almost black eyes which sparkled beautifully.

‘Hey darling, this is our new friend in need.. Ermm…’ he looked to me with abashed look.

‘Alexandrine’ I introduced myself laughing.

‘Yeah right! She is going to stay here for a while, alright?’

‘Sure, I’m happy to have girl company in this man cave!’ she said with smile. ‘I’m Heather and the guy right next to you is Anthony’ she crossed arms smirking.

‘Yeah… I’m going to the guys.’ he said a bit ashamed. He put down my backpack and gave Heather kiss on cheek.

‘Alright! Come one, I’ll give you towel. You are soaking wet!’ she said and took my hand.

She showed me the bathroom, where I freshened up. I took a deep breath and brushed out my red hair and washed my face. I opened backpack to look for dry clothes, but I could only find black sheer pantyhose and long grey T-shirt. After taking a big breath in and out I walked out and followed along the corridor to find a source of voices and music sound.

I looked into the room soaked in light from fireplace and candles. Anthony was sitting on armchair with Heather on his knees. She was hugging him and talking with other guy, who smiled all the time showing his gap between teeth. Opposite there was a huge couch where two another man were sitting. One had baseball hat on his head and smoked cigarette and another one with long, dark hair and beard played on guitar. It was such a calming view.

I took a step closer playing shyly with the edge of my T-shirt.

‘Guys, this is Alex. She is going to sleep here tonight’ Heather smiled to cheer me up and patted a free space to sit next to her.

‘So Bambi face, this is Flea’ Anthony said nodding at guy with his wonderful, wide, crooked smile.

‘Pleasure to meet you, madame!’ he bowed slightly making me laugh.

‘This gorilla smoker up there is Chad.’ Chad exhaled the smoke and waved to me. I waved back.

‘And the last but not least, our own Jesus: John’ the guy with guitar smiled and resumed playing on guitar. I sat on chair next to Heather and played with my fingers nervously.

‘So know that we know each other, we would love to hear more about you.’

‘I really like having my privacy, you know? Just ask questions and I’ll see if I’m okay with answering.’ I said after a minute of contemplating.

‘That was a very interesting song choice down there on street.’ Anthony said smiling.

I blushed and froze a little. I thought he didn’t hear me.

‘We need an update to the story!’ Flea said with his energetic voice and started jumping on his butt like impatient kid.

‘Yeah, tell us what happened.’ Chad said with his raspy voice.

‘May I?’ Anthony asked and after I nodded he said ‘I found this kiddo sitting on pavement, hugging he own knees and singing ‘Dream A Little Dream Of Me’’ Anthony said crossing arms with smirk on his face.

‘Hmm… Personally, I’d choose ‘Singing in the rain’’ John said quietly and everybody started laughing.

‘Alright, before you start to think that I’m a weirdo. My mum always sang me this song as lullaby when I was little. She said that it is her happy song. My parents fell in love while dancing to it.’ I unconsciously smiled recollecting the look of Mums face: her beautiful wide smile, green, sparkling eyes and freckles all over her skin. ‘She was so beautiful.’ I mumbled.

‘Awwwwww.’

‘I already like you and I love Louis Armstrong!’ Flea said excited.

‘But why did you use past tense?’ Chad asked carefully.

I crossed my arms and hugged myself.

‘Well.. She died when I was 11. Brain tumor.’ I said quietly. I felt warm hand on my back making circles. Heather tried to cheer me up. I looked up to see everyone with sad faces.

‘That’s one of the reasons I run away. My dad didn’t care about me and my sister at all. All he wanted was money and girls. I guess that was his way to face up with death. So, since I was 12 I had 7 “mummies”. The last one, Annie was 22, so 4 years older than me right now… She used to hit me, but today she was busted by my father. Of course she played a scene that I slapped her, and he believed her...’

Everyone eyes were focused on me. I exhaled the air and said:

‘So you don’t need to worry about me being a murderer or rapist. I’m just fucked up girl who has nowhere to go.’ I said sarcastically and smiled to them. ‘ Don’t worry I will figure something out!’

‘Don’t you even fucking try.’ Anthony said slowly with watery eyes. ‘I can’t believe what I would do if my mum was dead. You can stay here for as long you want. Right?’

‘Yeah’

‘Of course!’

‘Ahhh come here!’ Flea said standing up quickly and hugged me from behind. ‘We won’t let you suffer anymore Bambi.’

***

‘This evening we ended up dead drunk. So our lovely Alex stayed with us for a few months in Mansion. You remember it? We were recording Stadium Arcadium there’ Anthony finished the story and took a sip of water.

‘Yeah, of course.’ Josh answered ‘I couldn’t be with you there cause I was touring with Gnarles Barkley.’ Josh answered.

‘Oh shut up! I never knew that you had another singer/guitarist in band!’ I said excited.

‘You never wanted to come to studio with us so here you are: Josh Klinghoffer, the second guitarist of Red Hot Chili Peppers.’ Anthony said nodding at Josh. He blushed and smiled with his characteristic smile.

‘No way! How could this happen?’ I still couldn’t believe that. ‘We could have met anytime past this 3 years and we never did.’

‘I guess our meeting is a destiny.’ He smiled and reached his hand to play with his hair.

I blushed and smiled back to him. I felt butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t do nothing to not feel so attracted to him.

‘Can you believe that she didn’t know who we were? But that is a story for another occasion’ Anthony stood up.

‘Alright Bambi face, pack your things I will drive you to your place on my way.’ Anthony said stretching out his back.

I froze.

‘Well about that…’

#rhcp #rhcp fanfic #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #josh klinghoffer fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #Red Hot Chili Peppers #red hot chili peppers fanfiction

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imetyouonljpodcast · 4 years

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I MET YOU ON LJ: A Fandom & Nonsense Podcast

Episode #002: Origin Stories

It’s a ten-year retrospective! Follow Maggie and V’s introductions to fandom, from their childhoods through 2008 or so, and you’ll see why it’s a miracle that they’re friends at all. After falling hard for River Phoenix, Maggie does a deep-dive on guitarist John Frusciante and the Red Hot Chili Peppers; V takes us on a rollercoaster journey with the members of bubblegum boy band Dream Street.

This Episode Covers…

harry potter • american girl • smallville • river phoenix • stand by me (1986) • dream street • chris trousdale • greg raposo • jesse mccartney • frankie j. galasso • matt ballinger • red hot chili peppers • john frusciante • flea • anthony kiedis • fandom • fanfiction • rpf • josh klinghoffer • bob forrest • the bicycle thief • warpaint • katie cassidy • real-person fiction • bandslash • boy bands • bubblegum pop • alt rock • the 1990s • the 2000s • blood sugar sex magik • emily kokal

LISTEN ON… Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, LibSyn, Soundcloud, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or your favorite RSS podcatcher!

Show Notes & Resources behind the cut.

River Phoenix and Wil Wheaton in Stand By Me (1986)

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John Frusciante and Anthony Kiedis (in the hat) in 1991

John Frusciante looking like very much like Jesus, photographed by Nabil Elderkin in 2009

John Frusciante performs “The Will To Death” at the All Tomorrow’s Parties Festival in 2005.

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If you liked this, I highly recommend listening to the full performance. It’s a great primer for his back catalogue before electronic music fully took over.

Dream Street - “It Happens Every Time”

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This is the TV cut of the “It Happens Every Time” video. For the full director’s cut, click here.

Dream Street’s Valentine’s Day mega-feature in Popstar! Magazine, Feb/March 2002

V has four copies of this magazine: one to put the A4s in her locker at school, one to put the pull-out posters up in her bedroom, one to read, and one that’s still in mint condition.

Our very own V with Greg Raposo in 2008

V: “This was after one of the approximately seven quadrillion shows I went to between 2008-2009. Greg said “we’ve taken too many smiling photos, let’s make serious faces for this one,” and this is how it turned out. The matching shirts were an accident. This was one of my favorite shows of all time even though the audience was tiny and it was in a bar that really didn’t have a good area for an audience – it was so energetic and so much fun anyway!”

Greg Raposo/RAPOSO - “Nothing” (Ready To Go, 2008)

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V: “The photoshoot for this era of Greg’s band (called RAPOSO, and then STEREOPATH, and then Greg Raposo Band, and then RAPOSO again) was done by one of my best friends out in New York in 2008, while the band and us groupie squad were at a show for the Fresher’s Week at the university of one of our other best friends/gals in the groupie squad. The four of us really poured our entire hearts, souls, and every ounce of energy into Greg and his band for those two years! I designed the group’s 2008-2009 logo and MySpace page, for which this photoshoot served as the header. This song was never considered one of the band’s leads or singles, but it’s among my very favorites.”

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behindthespotlightfic · 8 years

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unfinished songs - a josh x zara one-shot

This time, I’m taking a break from my own story, to bring you all a really special thing I wrote. Today, March 25th 2017, is @bemygetawayjz‘s birthday, and I tried to pay a tribute, a homage, to her characters, her writing, her story and to her in general. It was a wonderful coincidence to stumble upon her, to get to know her, and to have her now as a small but meaningful part of my life.

So I borrowed her characters for a day, and wrote a piece from Josh’s point of view. If you haven’t read all the chapters of her fanfiction, you may encounter spoilers along the way, so be warned! Otherwise, I really hope you, @bemygetawayjz, enjoy it. I’m so thankful for knowing you. I hope you have had a really great day! May happiness walk with you each and every day <3

“I’d have followed her anywhere she asked of me. I’d have thrown myself to the wild for her.”

(Dove Hands, by Elizabeth Hewer)

---

I really, really didn’t think I was gonna get interested in Zara.

Now don’t misinterpret me, as that sounded quite pretentious. I didn’t think I was gonna get interested in her, but that’s because I didn’t think I was ever gonna get interested in anyone. I was twenty-eight back then, and I had had some hookups, but none gave me enough motivation to actually pursue love. I guess I had other things running around my mind, mostly music.

That’s the reason why I was kind of shocked when I surprised myself sitting at her table the day after I had literally bumped into her. If this were a cheap romantic paperback novel, the author would have made me say that “I had seen something in her that made my heart race”. But it’s not a cheap romantic paperback. So I’ll be honest: it was purely the fact that the two of us were in the background in that tour. Obviously, at least I got to be onstage each night, but people wouldn’t ever come to the venues because of me. Neither would they come because of Zara. So even if John and I were really close friends, we were on different levels. And some times, even if I usually like being alone, I felt lonely.

“Damn, Klinghoffer”, I heard myself thinking, while dangerously approaching her table, “now she’ll think you’re stalking her.”

The real Klinghoffer, though, didn’t listen and said something quite different.

“Hey! How you doing?”

Did that sound faked? I can’t remember. Anyway, she eventually felt a bit more at ease having lunch with this dork here, also known as me, and she ended up inviting me to come with her to the Guggenheim Museum the day after… so I guess that was a good start.

I won’t lie: with Zara, there were lots of awkward moments… especially in the beginning. Everything was awkward in the beginning. But we somehow overcame it all, and what seemed would be just a shallow acquaintance ended up being a close friendship. And yeah, then a full-on relationship. Much later, she told me she had been overthinking it all as much as I had been. Both of us wondered if the other was in a relationship, if the other felt the same, if we had misinterpreted it all and thought it was something more than friendship… we had been thinking about the same things, a few hotel floors apart in a different city each night. It would take the record store in Chorzów, Poland, for us to finally share it all.

I had been trying to send her some signals, just in case, just so she could know I wasn’t thinking of her as just a friend, but obviously, I wasn’t very good at it (I’m not very good now either, I believe). So I took over the situation and made the first move. Who would have known? I’m sure it would have been her if she had been a bit more sure of my feelings, but I didn’t know how to flirt in an elegant way so I had been quiet since I started liking her, which was shortly after I met her, shortly after that first lunch with her. Maybe it was at the Guggenheim when she took my picture? No one will ever know.

Well then. That first kiss in Poland, oh my god. Bonding over a Fleetwood Mac record, that first kiss was something I couldn’t have ever expected. That first kiss with Zara McAleese was like walking a new path for the first time, like the rush of adrenaline one gets when improvising a fast solo on the guitar. I’m not really one for metaphors, so just think about something new, intense, addicting and fascinating. When our lips touched, it was like meeting Zara once again, like starting all over. It was something I felt proud of afterwards, and have been ever since. And from then on, it all went uphill.

We slowly discovered each other, and so we also discovered we had more things in common than what we initially had thought. Our relationship allowed me to know that Zara used to play the guitar and sing a bit, that her hair wasn’t that blond when it wasn’t summer… Zara loved leather jackets but was a bit ashamed of the whole “killing-animals-to-make-leather” thing, Zara would unconsciously choose songs made at least ten years before the moment she listened to them, Zara had had a really emo band called “Grand Theft Autumn” when she was younger. Zara loved watching the New York Yankees play baseball, Zara was about to start an internship. Zara didn’t really care about sexy lingerie. Zara liked stealing my beanies, Zara slept on the left side of the bed. Zara liked neck kisses, jaw kisses, intimate kisses. Zara… Zara was an aspect of my life I had to pinch myself often about, as it was something so new and so wonderful, I might had been dreaming all that time.

So yes, it went uphill like a rollercoaster. And, just like a rollercoaster, it went downhill too.

I had been too careless about all of it. I thought that just because I had been dating PJ Harvey for a few months (and we were apart from each other) I would know how to make it work. But I didn’t. And as the tour came to an end, she felt she needed more than an abstract promise. I was offering her a runaround, I was unconsciously putting it off.

So one day, she realized she had had enough. And I told her it would work out, but not how it would work out. What was wrong with me, I don’t know. Maybe the thought that I could lose my best friend at any moment, maybe the fact that John didn’t want to be with the band anymore. Whatever it was, I just couldn’t bring myself to fight for her. And I should have, I should have tried to reassure her, but it all backfired on me and I ended up getting angry with her, asking her to leave… adding up to the sadness and the fight and the frustration and the feeling of failure each one of us felt, apart again just like we were in the beginning of things. I was still in love with her. More than ever. And she was in love with me too. But we didn’t know how to handle it.

And each and every night, I went to sleep thinking of her, cursing myself for not having been strong enough. She usually haunted my dreams, and when I woke up I didn’t really know if I was ecstatic or devastated for having seen her again. My birthday without her was a highlight of those gloomy days: I could do nothing but spend the day listening to music: Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours and each and every song we had shared. The Smiths, Blur and Oasis, Eric Clapton’s Layla… My sister visited me to have dinner together, and when she found me in such a situation, she went and hid my vinyl player somewhere, to try and snap me out of it. She ended up spending three days at my house, and that was kind of a relief, but I couldn’t get Zara out of my head.

Of course, being the jerk I think I was, I couldn’t help it and I wrote to her, several times. And afterwards I sunk, thinking I was a complete asshole (“You are so stupid, thinking she will give you another chance… she won’t want to hear of you by any means”), but feeling the need to do it again. To show her I still cared. To show her the only thing I wanted to do, more than putting together my own band, much more than playing with the Chilis, was to travel wherever she might be and hold her in my arms again.

Years went by, and my first record with the Red Hot Chili Peppers came out, but I barely knew about her. And that love, that passion, that infatuation was still stabbing me, but I learnt to conceal and ignore it, and so things didn’t hurt as much as they once did. I never lost my love, but I definitely lost hope. We talked once or twice, but as friends, and it was always kind of cold, like a distance had gotten between us (both a literal and metaphorical distance, actually). I thought I would take my devotion to the grave.

But following the logical sequence of events, after the new album there was a new tour, and I hadn’t forgotten for a second what I had promised to Zara: I would get her tickets for my first solo show with the Chilis in London. The I’m With You World Tour was in its beginning, and I was doubtful about it all: Would she remember? Would she think I was trying too hard? Still, I sent her the tickets. And she attended the show… with a guy.

“Of course, you dumb one, of course she has someone else now.” I was with someone too, but because it wasn’t really serious, I assumed she had stayed the same way. Later on, I got to know he was just a friend, they didn’t have anything going on… yet. I felt she would end up with that guy, but I didn’t say a word about it when I met her the following day for coffee. And that was it.

Or so I thought, because, ironically, just when I had made up my mind to not pursue her anymore, she shows up at one of the Dot Hacker shows in 2013, and she gives me a vinyl, Elton John’s Blue Moves. My favorite album. And it all comes back. The breakfast in Bilbao, the Polish record store, the Fleetwood Mac record… and the kiss. All of this, mixed with the alcohol we drank after the show, couldn’t be any good, and made me dizzy in some weird kind of way. But, surprisingly, I got to hide it all away. Seems I got better at pretending I’m fine.

I thought I could say the same about Zara: she told me about Daniel, his boyfriend, and she seemed to be keeping her composure perfectly fine… until she blurted out an unexpected “I missed you”. Apparently there was more going on under her skin than what she showed.

And that was the last straw. A torrent of emotions flooded me back, something really familiar I knew I had kept captive all these years, and, helped by the alcohol, I told her I was not over her yet. There was an obvious tension, and I tried to take it all back, to apologize, but somehow, when I left her at her hotel, something made it really hard to break apart again. I guess it was the fact that I knew I had her near me, the fact that I had a tangible proof of my weakness embodied in her body, that glorious, splendid weakness that made me want to be a better person when I thought of her. And that time, I felt she hadn’t got the courage to walk away either.

So in a violent flood, everything started glowing around me, my vision blurred, my heart started racing, and I found myself with her, within her, her hair caressing me, his lips drawing me to her in a black hole of passion and longing that I knew would hardly ever happen again. That night, I felt like nothing that happened afterwards could ever compare to it, like every moment after being with her would make me sad because nothing ever would be as intense as what we shared that night. It was impossible to describe, at least not accurately.

I can’t remember much of those moments, nor the trip back to San Francisco I insisted on doing, returning her home, except for the way it ended. She cried. I tried to get away from there. I didn’t want to be with her in that exact moment if it wasn’t to stay with her forever. I knew I couldn’t help crying too if I stayed longer. She told me it was impossible, I had hopes and she crushed them again. And she was right, she was probably wiser than me back then, but I still thought something could change after our impromptu meeting. And still, she ended it all telling me she loved me. What a wicked way of doing things. What a brilliant, wonderful, perfectly wicked woman she was in that specific instant. But I went away. And she went away too. And we were crushed again.

That time was definitely the last. Things had gotten to a point where neither of us could imagine facing the other again, or at least I was feeling that way. I was so ashamed of the way I let her go the first time and the subsequent times I saw her along the years, that some part of me felt safer without seeing her. The other part of me, of course, still longed for her touch, for her words… for Zara. What can I say, I must be an old Romantic guy from the 18th century… the thing is, years passed again, and by the time the eleventh Chili Peppers album, The Getaway, was done, I wasn’t done with her at all. That was barely a few months ago, but we started the tour and I guess I could distract myself enough not to think of her. Plus, I started dating a hot chick from a reality show, and I didn’t even like it that much, but she was a good distraction.

But last night… last night she showed up at the Belfast concert. And I swore to myself I wouldn’t let her play with me again. (Like she ever played with you, Josh. It was both of you who made it impossible.). I swore to myself I would give her one last chance. One last chance to talk about all of this, about us and our time together and our feelings. And after that one chance, everything would settle, whether it was for good or not. If we ended up getting away from each other again, then alright, good for us. If we didn’t get away, though… I didn’t want to think about that option. I wanted to get ready to be shattered again, so it wouldn’t hurt that much if it really happened.

“Can we talk?” I asked yesterday, backstage before the show, when she came to greet us, dragged behind her cousin and Justin, Chad’s son. She wasn’t really sure about it, but I got her to agree on meeting after the show.

And so we met. And I apologized. I faced my fears about talking to her, and I tried to act as humble as I could. I also brought up some writings she had let me read back then, some things she had written while in university. It was my personal shield to avoid being irrational and open myself once again. It turned out to be a weak shield, as something inside me cracked when I saw she was getting married. I remembered a song from I’m With You, a song named Police Station, and I repeated the lyrics to myself, like a silent mantra, while we talked about her future, and my current love life.

“I saw you in the church and there was no time to exchange… you were getting married and it felt so very strange. I guess I didn't see it coming, and now I guess it's me who's bumming. Dreaming of the golden years, you and I were mixing tears; not today, not for me but someone… I never could get used to, so now I will refuse to.”

Anthony must had been a clairvoyant or something: it’s like he wrote this song for me, about me. I broke down again. I couldn’t be as strong as I promised myself. I told her all again. I apologized for not fighting enough. And she left, once again.

Then why am I here with her, three days after, sitting in a London bench? It’s all because of her. I wouldn’t have made a move. Never again. Not after what happened. Not after all we’ve gone through. I couldn’t have stood it.

Some times, a melody gets in my head and I can’t forget it. But words don’t come out easily. As a musician, it’s harder for me to write lyrics than to write chords and notes. And so there have been songs I have had lingering around for more than ten years, unfinished, missing something. Now, after all I’ve said, it’s hard to find more words. It’s hard to finish this song I’ve crafted with so much thoroughness and care, it’s hard to string together this last melody of events.

John Frusciante, a good friend of mine, once wrote a song called Regret, in which he said to himself again and again that he “regretted his past”, that he should “stay alone”. I tried telling myself the same all this years, and failed. I’ll never regret my past. I’ll never regret stumbling into Zara, fearing I would have broken her iPod. I’ll never regret meeting her, I’ll never regret kissing her in Poland, I’ll never regret any of the things we did together. I won’t even regret being an asshole and running away from her, because maybe we needed that pain. Maybe we needed to endure the distance, maybe we needed to learn from our experiences, maybe we needed time and age to know what we wanted.

I’ll never regret anything about Zara. I’ll never regret the chances I gave her, even if she didn’t return the affection, and it’s useless lying about it: I would give her another chance, another and another, endless chances. I’ll be forever thankful for whatever it was that brought us together. I’ll be forever grateful for her way of talking to me, for her way of looking at me, for making me a better man, for freeing me of constraints and letting me be myself and whoever I wanted to be when I was with her.

But still, I can’t let myself slip this time. I’m just protecting my own heart. One thing is to be willing to cross oceans for her, another is to be suicidal. I couldn’t stand it if this last time I got out of here destroyed, so I’m trying to minimize the impact. This is another shield I’m building, a shield made of stoicism and sunglasses, just to hide away my eyes, my too-sincere eyes.

“I am sorry I broke your heart. Not a day goes by when I don’t regret it.”

Somehow, this time is different. She’s talking in such a different way. You would be surprised if I told you how have my days gone by, regretting everything too, ever since we messed this up, girl. But I say nothing. I look away.

“Josh, I let myself be consumed by fear, I was immature and scared. I could not fathom that you had those feelings for me. I broke your heart and I broke my own. I am mortified by the thought that you may never, ever forgive me. I’m sorry I walked away because I didn’t want to lose you to someone else. But in some strange way, right now, more than ever, I feel I’m losing you for good.”

You’re scared you’re losing me? I thought it was me who was scared of losing you. You’re so far from the truth, Zara.

She’s having trouble speaking, although words keep coming out of her mouth like a river running wild. Is she crying? Is that why she wore sunglasses as well? Oh well, what a shame we think so alike.

“And I know, J, I know I have no right whatsoever to say that. I know we both moved on. I know you’re in a relationship…”

What? Does she really think I’m taking this seriously? Maybe she’s more innocent than I thought, or maybe she’s really, really respectful of whatever I may decide to do in life. I can’t help but chuckle, a half-sceptical, half-sad laugh. I’m also surprised she knows, but much to my annoyance, everything’s on the internet, as she points out. Especially given the addiction the girl I’m with has to social media. I should have known…

She’s afraid I’m turning into someone I’m not. She thinks she’s losing me.

She’s not losing me. She won’t ever lose me. But it’s surprising, what a coward heart is capable of doing. She may not know what a beaten-up, tired and desperate heart like mine is capable of doing.

Now it’s me who finds it hard to go on, who finds it hard to breathe. After a few sentences, a silence sets between us. She’s the one who breaks it, taking off her glasses and revealing her face, shining because of the tears running down her cheeks.

“The reason I needed to talk to you today is… Josh, I am in love with you. I will always be.”

I can’t buy it. I can’t believe this is happening. I get angry with myself for believing, for a single second, she might be serious about it. Did you forget that Daniel guy, Josh? I feel like I want to slap myself in the face.

But she said it.

“Zara…” I begin. I’m still avoiding her eyes. I can’t stand the thought of believing everything can be okay again and then losing her. “You’re getting married.”

“I… I am willing to leave everything behind, this life and those plans that will not make me entirely happy. I am willing to start all over with you. The true love of my life. No fear, no buts, no excuses, no conditions. Not anymore.”

I raise my gaze. She’s on the verge of tears, and she looks more beautiful than ever. Maybe all this is truly happening. Maybe. But I can’t bring myself to say anything. I’m still afraid it might be a dream.

“If you don’t want to, I will completely understand. There’s no reason whatsoever why you’d take me now, after what I did to you in the past.”

I would take you. Now, tomorrow, after a million years. I could never reject you, not anymore. “But if you do take me…” She smiles a delicate smile, and I feel my heart breaking. No shields, no armor, nothing could save me from her. “I will dedicate my entire life, every minute, every second, to loving you and adoring you… as I have done since we met, as I do now, and as I always will, no matter what.”

Zara pauses, and gets closer. She doesn’t try to decipher my eyes, she’s only giving herself to me, body and soul. “This is my heart, right here, in front of you.”

She’s not expecting anything. Anything. She only waits for an answer. She’s ready to smash herself to the ground if I decide I don’t want her. Just like I am ready to smash myself to the ground if this ends up being a dream.

“Are you finished?” I ask, a last check because I’m too scared.

She gasps. This is not a dream.

I’m not turning around this time, I’m not looking back.

I take her by the chin and I join our lips. And then, I drown in her blue sea.

---

There are always unfinished songs. There are always things I won’t ever bring to a close. But I swear, this won’t be one. Zara won’t be an unfinished song. Zara is here, I’m here, and we’re together. And as much as I won’t ever regret my past, I won’t linger on either. I won’t stay in the past. We’re here, and this is our future. Here she is, here’s my future.

And these are the lyrics of our completed song.

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redhotmaeve-blog · 8 years

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Beseech~A Josh Klinghoffer Fanfiction~

The band was staying in downtown Shreveport, Louisiana this weekend. They,of course, were in the of a tour, and are constantly busy, but Josh had found a small bit of free time. There were plenty of unfinished books Josh had with him, but the buzz of a festival going on changed his plans of reading.

Josh informed his fellow band mates of where he would be, via text, and left his hotel. Being a private soul,Josh chose a different hotel than the others. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy fan interactions, he just didn't enjoy the mobs, or the insisting, rather than asking, of autographs.... or the flashing cameras.

Not really sure of where he was heading, Josh just followed the noise and small groups of people. It relieved him that he hadn't been recognized. For one thing, no one was really looking, but his beanie,sunglasses,and casual clothing helped.

A few crosswalks later Josh was at the entry of what he heard civilians call the Let the Good Times Roll, festival. As he entered, Josh didn't know what to do. Should he try the food? Maybe play some of the festival games?

Playing the games didn't seem like much fun. Josh also didn't want to stand out, not only was he a tourist, but he was there alone. So, Josh settled with grabbing a to-go bowl of gumbo( he had only had it when he was in New Orleans) andsat on a bench. He listened to the live band okay and watched the people go by. This was something he often did; sitting in his own world, watching the one around him slowly go by.

Josh was so focused on his food and his thoughts, he didn't notice the woman who sat on the bench next to him. He was taken away from his thoughts when he saw her swift movements, rummaging through her bag. She pulled out a water bottle and something small he couldn't see. Josh assumed it was an aspirin from the way she popped it in her mouth and gulped down some water after it.

Once she swallowed, she sighed and muttered under her breath, "Fuck."

"Are you alright?" Josh quietly inquired. At first he thought he had spoken too low for her to hear, but she turned and replied to him.

"Yeah. I'm alright. Thanks for asking sir." Josh's eyebrows raised at the word sir and he chuckled a bit.

"That's a first," he mumbled.

"What?" The young lady asked.

"Nothing... just I've never been called sir.."his voice trailed of. This time the young woman chuckled.

" Well I don't mean any harm." After hearing her speak Josh could only think of one thing: her southern accent is adorable. It made Josh shift in his seat, and fiddle with his hands a small bit. He wasn't sure how to reply. "Are you from around here?" She asked after a few moments of silence. "Oh..no. I'm from California." "That's nice. Where 'bout in California?" There's that accent again. "Los Angeles." Josh smiled. "Wow big city," she began, " I'm Maeve by the way.' Maeve stuck out her hand for Josh to shake. He shook her hand and spoke," I'm ..uh.. I'm Jay." "Nice to meet you Jay." "You too." The two sat there quietly for a while. They weren't saying much but both of their minds buzzed. Not about anything in particular, except for each other. "What brings you to Shreveport?" Maeve broke the silence once again. "The music." Josh replied simply. "Ah..a lot of people came into town for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Performing at the Century Link Center across the river tomorrow." She said all in one breath. Josh's palms started to sweat, as he though he had given himself away. "Are...are you going to the show?" Josh asked. "Nope. I'd like to but I can't afford it at the moment. I haven't listened to 'em in years. It would be nice to hear the new songs they have out. I heard they got a new member," Maeve paused and took a glance at Josh, " I'd like to see him one day." Maeve finished speaking and Josh let out a breath. He wasn't even aware he was holding it. "Yeah." He said simply. "Well I have to get going." Maeve began to rise from her seat, " It's about to be sundown and let's just say the freaks really do come out at night." Both Maeve and Josh laughed at her comment. "Do you mind if I walk out with you?" Josh offered. "Of course not." Maeve grabbed her bag and waited for Josh to throw away his trash. The two walked together slowly. Speaking to each other here and there. Josh was debating whether he should walk Maeve home or not. Before he could make up his mind it was time for them to part ways. Maeve turned to him and said, "Thanks for keeping me company Jay." Josh grinned at the self given nickname he came up with on the fly. " It was my pleasure Maeve." Maeve stood for a moment looking at her feet. She seemed nervous now. "Do you think we could..keep in contact? I'm not sure how long you'll be in town but.." her voice trailed off as she shrugged. Josh was surprised. Was a woman really asking for his number? Of course women flirted with him, but none ever took the initiative to ask for his number. "I won't be in town for much longer...but we could definitely stay in touch." Maeve smiled at his response. Happily they switched phones and entered their contacts. "Great well have a good night Jay." "You too Maeve." Josh watched for a few moments as Maeve walked away. Then he turned and walked back to his hotel. Smiling the whole way. ------------------------------------ Authors note: Hi! Thanks for reading this far! This isn't the first time I've written a fanfiction but it's the first one I've written about Josh. I really hope to stick true to his character! The time line and things will be explained later in the story. I apologise about the spacing at the end. I couldn't get my phone to fix it. Thanks again for reading. ~Maeve

#josh klinghoffer #red hot chili peppers #rhcp #anthony kiedis #chad smith #flea #micheal balzary #john frusciante #fanfiction #rhcp fanfic #joshy klinghoffer

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gcnesistorevelation · 8 years

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fanfic moodboard 1 // be my getaway

sooo here’s a thing i made for the lovely writer of my fav fanfic right now, @bemygetawayjz. i really like her story, the way she writes, the character development and plot... this isn’t your typical mediocre fanfic. and every time i read it, i picture some things in my head: i tried to capture these things by making a moodboard.

if you look closely, you can spot lots of elements from the story... there’s the guggenheim museum, the point zéro in paris, fleetwood mac’s rumours record and a record shop (read chapter 5 to know about it!), a beach (the florida beach in chapter 18)... there are still lots of references left, but i plan on doing a second part to this moodboard some day.

i hope this gets you to read it, i hope you all like it... and i hope you, @bemygetawayjz, like it, as it is, in the end, for you. thanks for your writing and our bond (get it?).

josh and zara in, anne out!

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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67. Baby Appeal II

Hey,

and here’s the next chapter of these two very special chapters of the whole story. I think you can already imagine what will happen in this chapter. I thought it would be the next step that JoshEileen are having a baby!

Have fun reading it. I wish everyone a great weekend!

_______________________

March

“I can’t believe you’re doing this!!!!” I yelled at Josh. “I know….I’m sorry but….I couldn’t cancel these shows. It’s very important for me and….well, they need me” he tried to explain. But I couldn’t understand it. It was just stupid to me.

“Oh and your pregnant girlfriend doesn’t need you?” I asked him and raised my eyebrow. “Eileen” Josh rolled his eyes. “No ‘Eileen’” I said and imitated him. “You should know that I’m mad at you right now. I can’t understand why you have to do a tour right before due date of our baby” “It’s just two weeks” “Yes but what if the baby comes earlier? What do you do then?” “I will be home very fast then….” ”Wow….and don’t you think I already feel swollen and maybe exhausted enough at the end of my pregnancy so I want my boyfriend to be by my side to know that there is someone who can help me if I’m feeling sick?” “I know….but only two weeks” “Yes, you’re touring through the States for two weeks. Congratulations Mr. Klinghoffer. Well-considered decision” I said ironic and left his apartment. I needed a walk. Plus, I had a date with Molly who would visit me in New York today. I didn’t care what Josh was about to do today.

But on my way to the café where I would meet Molly, I was still thinking about my discussion with Josh. He just told me that he would be on a short two weeks tour through the States right before our baby would be born. It wasn’t a Chili Peppers or Dot Hacker tour – that doesn’t mean I would be okay if he would do a spontaneous tour with the Chilis or the Dots right now, but I would try to understand it. But the fact the he would be touring with some musician friends through very small clubs made me mad. A club tour with unknown musicians. That’s it. Nothing special. At least to me it didn’t look like something special he HAS to do. I always was very understanding when it came to his music but this time I wasn’t. I was pissed off. I couldn’t understand him. Who leaves his pregnant girlfriend alone right before birth?

“Wow….six months and you’re still looking so beautiful” Molly welcomed me. We haven’t seen each other in a very long time. She stayed away from me and Josh and many other friends. Of course I wondered what was wrong but Josh only told me that she and Eric had some trouble going on in their marriage. So I stopped asking her. But when I found out about my pregnancy I called her because she was still one of my best friends. We started talking on the phone again and skyped a few times since then. Now we could finally find some time to see each other face to face again.

Molly would stay for three days in New York. So we did a walk through the park and had some coffee. But since I was already feeling like a rollmops I wasn’t able to take a very long walk.

“How many weeks do you have left?” Molly wanted to know. “I’m 23 weeks now….so still a few more weeks left” I told her. “Oh, time will fly” she assured me. “I know…it already did. I still remember the day I found out about the pregnancy….and now look at me. Six months pregnant. I can’t deny it anymore” I laughed. “No you can’t” she joined me laughing.

Although Molly seemed very happy about my pregnancy and she asked many questions – and of course gave me a lot of advices from one mother to the other – she still seemed a bit sad. As if something was wrong with her.

“So….how was your past year?” I wanted to know. “Oh, stop asking….” She replied. “Okay….” I was confused. “Sorry for this harsh response” she laughed. “I’m just….it was a tough year for Eric and me” “I’ve heard about it. Josh told me a little bit but….Eric never told him the reason for your problems” “I know….and I guess Eric never told him because we both didn’t want to talk about it” “But what happened? I only remember you two diverge from us” “We did….you know, it was tough” she said and suddenly started crying. I didn’t know how to react so I just hugged her and didn’t question it. “You know” Molly said after stopping the tears for a moment. “I almost screwed it up.” “You? How?” I didn’t understand her cryptic words.

“I cheated on him” she told me and looked to the floor. I was shocked. No….she never did that….Molly? I never thought she could do this. “What? But Molly….” I said. She nodded. “When? With whom?” “I was on a short trip with my sister and some girlfriends….we were at a bar, there were these two guys. They were younger than us. My sister and one friend left earlier because they were tired so another friend of mine and I stayed. When she left with one of these guys I was alone with the other and….I was drunk. It just happened” “Molly…this is….wow, I can’t believe it” “I didn’t want that….” “I know….” “It just happened. I mean, Eric and I had some difficulties and we didn’t talk that much anymore but….I still loved him, you know? But I forgot it that night. I was so drunk and….it just happened….” She repeated these last three words over and over again. “And did you tell Eric?” “After three months I did” “Why….after three months?” “I couldn’t tell him. I felt so disgusted and awful. I felt so bad because I loved him. When I came home from this trip I loved him more than I ever did. He made me the happiest girl on earth and suddenly I screwed it up. I felt so bad….but I couldn’t tell him. I wanted to forget it.” “But he deserved the truth” “I know he did…..my sister told me. She was so mad at me. I mean, I was risking my little family. I mean, we are married and we have a daughter….” “So why didn’t you tell him?” “I did….I made a pact with myself. I had to get tested, you know….STDs and so….” “What the fuck Molly….you didn’t protect yourself?” “No….” “Wow….how can you?” “I don’t know….” She almost started crying again. “But” she sobbed. “I made a pact that I have to tell him if the test result would be positive for anything….” “Don’t tell me you….” I started saying but she was shaking her head. “No….but Eric saw me being a mess after I came home from the doctor. Although everything was fine I was still nervous and rattled. So he asked me and I couldn’t lie anymore. So I told him. And he listened to me. After five minutes he left. I cried the whole night. Two days later he came back and wanted to talk. He wanted to fight. I wanted to fight. So we both decided to see a therapist so….since April last year, we’re fighting for our marriage and I hope that we’ll make it. We got closer again and I have the feeling that it will be okay”

I couldn’t believe what Molly just told me. She really cheated on her husband. Molly. The woman from whom I would never ever think she can do something like that. But she did. Suddenly I was afraid and I felt panic arising in me.

“What’s wrong Eileen?” she asked me. “I don’t know….it sounds so stupid now that you told me your story about your marriage….but I guess I’m totally afraid that Josh could cheat on me” “Why?” “Look at me, I’m looking like an elephant right now. I can totally understand if he doesn’t find me attractive anymore” “Eileen….stop thinking about that! He will never ever cheat on you. He loves you so much. He won’t do that- Plus, Josh is not that superficial and you know that” “I know but why does he go on a tour right before our baby will be born? He just told me today….I can’t believe it. He knows exactly how afraid I am to give birth…..he knows that I don’t want to do it alone without him. But what if the baby comes earlier when he’s not here?” “Hm, I don’t know why he does it but….music is important to him, you know” “I know Molly. I know since I first met him! And I always supported his job and his music and in the past year I always understood when he had to take a later flight to New York because he had to finish a song or so….I always understood it. But this time…..this time, I just can’t” I told her with tears in my eyes.

It was the truth. I was afraid to give birth. I mean, all this pain, all these horror stories I’ve heard and read. I don’t know if I could do that without him. “I want him to be there when our baby will be born. He shouldn’t be touring through the States!” I sobbed. Molly took his arm around me and tried to calm me down. “He will be there. I’m sure….your baby won’t come earlier, so Josh will be there. I know it. And don’t be afraid. You can still get some pain killers….and in the end you won’t think about the pain when you’re holding your baby in your hands” Molly assured me and wiped my tears away. “And he won’t cheat on you. Never” “But he had all these girls in the past so….it wasn’t difficult for him having sex with a stranger” I said. “Eileen, don’t” Molly told me. “It’s in the past. Josh will never ever cheat on you. I promise you” “You can’t promise it” “But I assure you he won’t….he loves you. Believe me. He just told Eric that he’s the happiest guy on earth” Molly smiled at me. “But why does he has to do this tour and risk to not be here when our baby is born?” I repeated my question. “He will be there, I’m sure”

June

I felt so fat. I couldn’t see my feet. I couldn’t see my legs. I felt puffy and not good. After spending six weeks together with Josh in New York – which already felt like being a family – he had to leave for this short tour with some friends. He accompanied them to play the piano. I still wasn’t happy about his decision to be on tour while I was home being pregnant. But we talked about it several times and I accepted it. I couldn’t change his mind. I was nine months pregnant and he just left. It wasn’t fair. I was so mad at him the day before he left.

I spent most of the days I had left until the baby would be born on the sofa. I was doing home office for three weeks now. It felt good when Josh was still here in New York. We woke up next to each other. He always kissed my belly in the evening and in the morning. We breakfasted, did a walk with Vilma and Bowie – he already brought his dog to New York and the two got along very well together. Sometimes we went to the cinema or the theatre and when I wasn’t feeling well we stayed at home. Josh started cooking for me in the past weeks and it was always so delicious. He even took care of the things I wasn’t allowed to eat during pregnancy. It was just a great time. I truly enjoyed it and couldn’t wait to welcome our baby in a few weeks.

But since Josh left, I felt lonely. There wasn’t anyone who was with me at night. Sometimes I almost panicked when I noticed a piercing pain. I saw my doctor almost every day because I was so scared something could be wrong with the baby. I tried to distract me from my worries while working and met a few times with Megan to talk about future projects for our blog. I was so glad that she was managing everything in the office so well. She told me I should take the time off that I needed after the birth.

But every time she left, I felt alone again. Of course I called Josh and we skyped very often but it wasn’t the same. Maybe it was due to my pregnancy hormones but I truly missed him and felt so alone. I never felt lonelier before.

But Josh suddenly he came home one day with a huge bouquet of flowers and with lots of delicious things I was allowed to eat. He apologized again for doing this tour right now. I just smiled and hugged him. I mean, I couldn’t stop him from doing it, right?

He told me he had to see “us” so he came home for one day between his shows. It felt weird to hear these words. Us. The baby and me. How would it feel like if the baby is already born?

He looked tired but instead of falling into our bed he showered, told me to sit down at the sofa, and he cooked dinner for us. Afterwards we cuddled and stayed at the sofa watching a movie. It was just this typical comfy time I need with my boyfriend.

Josh realized how sensitive I was during my pregnancy and he always tried to take care of it. He truly helped and supported me, especially when I was having a bad day. He started reading guides for being a parent and also pregnancy guides. Sometimes he started massaging me when we were lying in bed and he always told me not to carry heavy things. Sometimes he was even a little bit too overprotected. But I loved it. I missed all these things he did when he was on tour.

We decided to not ask our doctor about the sex of our child. We wanted to be surprised.

But of course we were thinking of names.

“What do you think of Constantin?” Josh asked me. “No….not my type of name” “Or what about Stephan?” “My ex was called Steven….so no” “Hm….what about Marcus?” “Hm….I don’t know….what about Zach?” “I’m not sure….” Josh replied. “Philipp?” “Maybe….but….maybe as a middle name?”

I had the feeling that Josh and I couldn’t agree on one name. We discussed it so often but every time one was suggesting a name the other wasn’t happy with it.

“How’s Emma doing?” I changed the topic. It was a sunny morning and Josh and I were enjoying the day at his balcony. He had to fly back to Chicago in the evening. “She’s doing fine. The vacation time is about to begin” “Does she go back to Chino?” “She plans to do it….but she also plans to go on a vacation to San Francisco with her friends’ family” Josh told me.

I didn’t see her in the past weeks since I wasn’t allowed to take flight. But Josh was taking care of her in May when her grandma had to go to hospital for two weeks. I could see that he truly loved her as his stepdaughter and that he was still hurt that Emma didn’t accept that Josh and I were having a baby. But he had the feeling that these two weeks brought them back together. They got closer and he tried to talk about it again. She listened to him and even asked him how I was doing. We took that as a positive sign.

“Yes….so she won’t be there when the baby comes” Josh said. “Is she accepting it yet?” I wanted to know. “She tries to….we had a huge fight the other day. You know….she still doesn’t understand it. She feels dropped because I started a new relationship with you and she doesn’t know if I will still taking care of her. I mean….most of the time she’s living with her grandma in their house next to mine but….well” “You’re still her attachment figure” I told him. “I know….but she has to accept that I have to take care of you and this little human in your bump” he said and was stroking my belly. “I’m so happy Eileen….I never felt happier before. I can’t wait to welcome this little bird in your belly….I can’t wait to be a father” he told me before kissing me.

It felt so good to hear Josh’s words and with saying this he took my worries away. I stopped worrying about him cheating on me. I knew it was stupid. I knew he would never do this. I also stopped worrying about him not making it to the birth. I knew I had to trust him and I did.

We already decorated everything for the new human in our life. We decorated the room in Josh’s apartment. We decided to move in together in his apartment because it was bigger than my tiny apartment. I couldn’t wait to live like a real family together with Josh, the baby and our doges. We were still a bit unsure and afraid what will happen with Vilma and Bowie if a baby would enter our life. But we believed that the two dogs would start loving the baby from the get go.

One week later….

It happened in the early afternoon. I felt a piercing pain in my bump. Just a few minutes later my water broke. I almost freaked out. Vilma and Bowie came towards me and sat down. Vilma even licked my hand. But I had to do something. I took my phone and called Megan. She arrived fife minutes later.

“I already called an ambulance” she let me know. “And I called Josh” “Thanks” was the only thing I could say before the pain came back. The ambulance finally arrived.

After driving to the hospital where I planned to give birth the doctor did a check up. “You still have some time” he assured me. “But the pain is so….heavy” I told him. “I know….it will go away. A few minutes and it will go away. But if the contractions are heavier it will finally start” Oh well, I was afraid.

At least Megan was there. I was so happy to have a friend like her by my side. Since all my best friends weren’t living in New York – Lara in Berlin and Molly in LA – it was good to know that there was at least one person left in New York. “You’ll do this and Josh will make it until the baby is born” she told me. “I don’t know….he’s in Boston today” “It’s not that far away….” ”I know….but still….” The pain came back. “I just want him to be here” I cried on Megan’s shoulder. “He’ll be here…..believe me….he will” she assured me.

Two hours later….

I could find a few minutes of sleep between the contractions but by now the pain and the contractions got heavier and faster. My doctor told me I still had some time but it wouldn’t last so long anymore. Wow, I can’t say that it calmed me down.

“Do you know where he is now?” I asked Megan. She shook my had. “He just texted me one hour ago that he is in the plane” “He won’t make it…..” I told while feeling the pain again.

Another hour later

“So, Miss Puritz, it’s the last chance to get a peridural anesthesia now” my doctor told me. Although I decided weeks ago that I would take it, I was unsure about it now. I was afraid. So afraid. But the pain was so heavy. “I just want to wait until my boyfriend is here….” I said with tears in my eyes. “I’m sorry Miss Puritz but it’s the last chance. Do you want a PDA or not?” I thought about it for a moment, then I looked at Megan who nodded. “Okay, let’s do this” I told the doctor.

Two hours later

I was already feeling so exhausted while giving birth when suddenly a familiar face entered the room. It was Josh. He made it. I didn’t care about the fact that he decided to tour a few weeks before the due date or the fact that he came very late – now he was there and this was the most important thing to me. I took his hand and looked at him. He smiled and already tried to take the pain away. Despite the fact that I decided to get a PDA, it still hurt. “Another push Miss Puritz” the midwife told me. “I can’t” I told her. “Yes, you can” “No….” I said with tears in my eyes. I felt so exhausted. I was lying here for seven hours. I couldn’t do this anymore. “Eileen” Josh suddenly said and knelt down at me. “You can’t do it” he assured me. “You will give birth to our beautiful little baby and I will always love you for that. I believe in you. You’re strong” “But….” I said. “One push!” the midwife repeated. “Great and another one in a few seconds….I can already see the head” she informed us. Josh took a look to her hands and….suddenly looked very pale in his face. “I’m….I…..um, I think I” he stuttered. Another midwife took his hand helped him to sit down at a chair. He was sweating. “You must be kidding!” I screamed at him. “I’m lying here, waiting for you for hours and now that you’re here you’re almost collapsing?????” “Miss Puritz, keep calm” the midwife told me. “No….I can’t I…..no!” I couldn’t understand it. “It’s all natural okay?” I let him know. “It’s just blood!” “Your boyfriend seems to be hypoglycaemic” the midwife informed me. “I don’t care” I said with tears in my eyes. “The last push” the other midwife told me. And there it was.

“He’s so beautiful” Josh whispered when we were holding our baby boy in our hands. “He is” I responded and looked at Josh. Yes, I was mad at him for almost collapsing in the delivery room. It was such a cliche. But now that we were holding our baby in our hands, I forgot everything. Molly was right. In the end you don’t care about the pain or anything else. The most important thing is that mother and child are healthy.

Later, when Josh and our baby already fell asleep I sent my parents a picture of the three of us and texted them.

“We are happy to inform you about the birth of our first baby boy Finn Adam Klinghoffer. Born on June, 23, 2:43 am in New York City. We’re both very happy. We’re all three fine but very tired now. I will call you tomorrow. Love, Eileen <3”

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#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili peppers fanfiction #fanfiction #dot hacker

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neverisalongtime-ja-blog · 7 years

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Chapter 45: I’ll leave it all if you want

Hey everyone! Here is another chapter! Read it and REMEMBER there’s still another chapter to be written and EVERYTHING can change.

Don’t kill me! I hope you like it!

Love you all! ♥

Anastasia was finally getting to enjoy her new house. Living away from everything was kind of hard, but pleasant at the same time. Mandy stayed a couple of days with her friend and brought Hercules with her. Anastasia loved animals but the fact that the little dog was shitting all over the place was getting on her nerves so she was relieved when Mandy left.

Richard also stayed some days with her, and it was a entirely different situation. Both enjoyed the pool, the view, the newly finished studio and the bed, of course.

- Mark’s wedding is in a couple of weeks! Finally! – Anastasia told Richard one morning while making breakfast for both.

- It’s in England, right? – Richard asked looking at his phone.

- Yes! The countryside, it’ll be lovely – Anastasia was pouring juice in two glasses – Steph has such great taste – Richard only looked at her for a second and smiled to turn his head down to his phone again, not saying a word so she had to ask – Are you coming with me? – Richard looked at her again, fast.

- I have a couple of shows in Australia and then we go to Canada so I don’t think my schedule will allow it – He said with a very pitiful face.

Anastasia already knew it, but the fact that he confirmed it made her terribly mad. She understood this type of relationship perfectly and the job both had, but she still wanted him to go to with her. She wanted to brag about their perfect relationship, she wanted to share this important family occasion with him. Lately she barely saw him, if he was traveling she was at home and vice versa.

- Ok – Was all she managed to say, drinking her orange juice in one gulp.

She decided not to talk about it again with Richard and just focus in enjoying the couple of days left together. On Tuesday he left for Australia and she took a flight to London. She always managed to go to England at that time of the year, the last months, the holiday season. It was the end of November and it was already cold, she met Mandy, Peyton and Nick at her little apartment, Eric chose not to go because his mother was visiting him in California and they hadn’t seen each other in a long time.

- Is Richard not coming? – Mandy asked while they were dinning in a nice restaurant in the center of the city.

- No, he has a couple of shows in Australia and Canada – Anastasia answered visually annoyed.

- Wow, you’re mad! – Nick said laughing.

- Like hell – She answered not smiling at all.

Mark and Steph were the less organized couple in the world, they just didn’t like to plan things so they just did what their heart told to do. In this occasion, it was a whole weekend of celebration because of the wedding. The countryside was a couple of hours away from London so they had to take a private bus to get there. The shock came for Anastasia when she hopped on the bus and saw Josh sitting in the front next to Nick. Well, of course Josh was invited, he’d been good friends with Mark but she hadn’t see him in so long.

Josh was wearing a black suit, a little too large for his complexion but usual for his style, and his hair was straightened so well and shiny. He looked at her, smiled, waved and returned to the conversation with Nick. It took her a good 30 seconds to react and continue the walk to her seat.

- Did you see a ghost? – Mandy asked her seating next to Peyton.

- Kind of – Anastasia took seat at Mandy’s left – Josh’s here.

- Why wouldn’t he be? – Mandy laughed – He traveled with us!

- It’s just that I didn’t expect to see him.

- But he is good friends with Mark!

- I know, Mandy, it’s just that… I don’t know! I’m shook – Mandy laughed and hugged her friend.

The weather was on Mark and Steph’s favor and the day was beautiful: blue skies, crisp wind, shining sun… perfection. The place was amazing too, a large land with white tents and purple and pink tulips, literally, everywhere. Anastasia was, of course, the maid of honor, Steph didn’t have a lot of close friends so it was natural for her to ask An to be part of such special moment. Anastasia’s dress was deep purple with her shoulders off and loose, comfortable enough to let her dance the night away. Mark was wearing a beige suit with a white shirt, while Steph’s wedding dress was long, also loose with a killer cleavage. A flower crown rested on her head, and her hair was loose with soft waves at the bottom. She looked beautiful and Mark knew it because Anastasia saw his eyes getting watery.

An was so happy for her brother finally taking this step after all those years of relationship. Mark and Steph were meant for each other and nobody there had any doubts about it. Anastasia felt a pair of eyes on her and when she looked at the audience sitting down she saw Josh looking at her with the dumbest smile on his face, which made her release a quiet giggle.

The ceremony was beyond beautiful. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when they told each other their vows. Barbara was probably the most emotional, and their dad, Nick, was all smiles. Mark’s mother cried a lot also. Anastasia didn’t shed a tear but the joy in her heart was huge.

Craft beer and champagne were the drinks of the evening and the food was a wide selection of pasta and pizza, an informal meal for this informal couple. To top it all a huge ice cream bar was set at a corner.

- Fuck that ice cream bar – Mandy said annoyed eating an ice cream cup on her own.

- Why? – Anastasia asked back.

- I planned an ice cream bar for my wedding! Now I have to cancel it! – Mandy’s wedding was already planned and in a month she was going to walk down the aisle.

- Don’t be silly! – Anastasia was sipping her fifth champagne glass – You can have everything you want – She laughed.

Mark was friends with a bunch of popular DJs and of course they all were there playing music and mixing songs and putting everyone to dance, Anastasia and Mandy included, of course. Richard was in constant touch with her through chat, she sent him a bunch of pictures and he sent her another bunch as well. While she was dancing she saw Josh looking at her again and she decided it was time to talk to him. He was alone at the bar.

- Never gonna get tired of watching you dance – Josh was the first to talk.

- Never gonna get tired of you doing it – An stopped suddenly realizing that wasn’t a good line to say but she was tipsy by then. Josh just laughed – Are you enjoying the celebration?

- It was a beautiful ceremony – Josh said – Those two finally tied the knot.

- I know! – Anastasia didn’t know what else to say.

- Wanna go sit down and talk? – He asked.

- Yes – She said without thinking, about what could they possibly talk about?

An looked at Josh as the alcohol did its effect on her. His small eyes were shining in front of the candles and the improvised lights of the decoration, he didn’t stop laughing the whole time and the conversation was fluid like the old times. She realized, at that moment, that she missed him; that even if she had another boyfriend now, Richard wasn’t Josh and he would never be.

- Do you wanna dance? – An asked without thinking, again.

- Dance? – Josh laughed some more – Are you insane?

- Come on! – She took him by his wrists and pushed him up the chair.

Josh put up some resistance but gave up in the end. One of Mark’s friends was playing 80’s hits while Anastasia started to move her hips inviting Josh to join her. He was stiff, as stiff as he could be, she laughed and pushed him closer trying to teach him some moves, the scene was hilarious and both were laughing hard. People around, including Mark, Steph, Mandy and Nick laughed too.

They danced until their feet hurt and Josh decided it was time for another beer. He walked Anastasia to their table and sat her down to then go and grab his beer and another champagne glass for Anastasia.

- I don’t know if I can drink more – Anastasia said sipping more champagne.

- I miss our wild drinking nights on tour – Josh said and Anastasia stopped to look at him because there was so much meaning in that phrase.

- Do you? – She asked.

- I do – He answered understanding what she meant.

And a special moment started and not just their eyes connected but their minds too. Anastasia smiled nervously confused about the moment. She wasn’t uncomfortable but more pleased and she could tell he was relaxed too. It was like a year ago when there were just the two of them in the world.

They talked some more about any topic one can imaginable, except their respective significant others. An never asked him about Lauren, and Josh didn’t even dare to mention Richard. It wasn’t because they were avoiding it, but because neither of them were thinking about them for a second.

The party ended the following morning. At around 6:00 am everybody left back to London in the same bus that took them to the wedding the day before, only now everybody was too tired to talk.

This time, Josh decided to sit next to Anastasia. She was probably more tired than anybody and, without thinking about it, she let her head rest on Josh’s shoulder and fell asleep for the whole ride. When they were approaching London she woke up kind of ashamed for snoozing over him.

- It’s fine – Josh said smiling.

- Where are you staying? – An asked him.

- At the Ritz – He replied.

- Uh, fancy!

- Are you guys staying at your apartment?

- Yes. I can’t wait to get in my bed and sleep the whole day – She said and both laughed.

The bus stopped and An hugged Josh goodbye. Mandy and Barbara looked at her with evident suspicious eyes and she just laughed on their faces.

An went home, took her dress and makeup off, took a long bath and went to sleep with Josh in her mind. She was in a cloud, because Josh had this power over her to just make her feel good. Despite everything that happened in the past, she just felt good around him.

Her phone beeped and it made her wake up. It wasn’t a surprise when she saw who texted her, Josh.

“Wanna have dinner?” – She read on the screen.

“Yes!” – She typed and sent, not thinking she was about to go out with her troubled ex-boyfriend while having a man of her own back in America.

It was cold outside so An chose warm trousers, a pair of black boots and a leather jacket. She knew that Josh wasn’t taking her to a fancy place; she always loved that about him, that he was so laid back and would rather have a good time at some pub than at an expensive restaurant.

They met at the lobby of the Ritz and then walked to a nearby pub to enjoy a burger and some beer. Josh was being that dude she fell in love with, shy, loose, without issues, kind, caring and lovely.

They talked, ate and drank and by the fourth beer An knew what she wanted to do with him that night. She wasn’t thinking clearly, or maybe she was thinking clearer than ever before. Richard was blocked from her brain and she wanted to be with Josh, it was like if she was drunk of him and she wanted more. Josh realized Anastasia’s attitude and that excited him, he wanted her also.

- I don’t know how to ask this, especially after all we went through – Josh started to talk but Anastasia interrupted him.

- Yes, let’s go to your hotel room – She said not measuring her words.

Those kisses, she longed for them for so long. She missed having him in her arms and she could feel he missed her the same. The way he was holding her, so tight, so respectfully, she loved that about Josh so much. She realized Josh could give her so much more than Richard could. Josh and An got in bed and made love like the old times, wild but full of love; they needed each other. That hotel room at the Ritz was a witness of all the love that they held for such a long time being finally released.

They had sex about four times that night and next morning An woke up with a feeling of peace she didn’t feel in a long time. She got up to have a nice, long bath and when she went back to the bedroom, Josh was already awake and sitting on a big chair in front of a huge window from where you could see a big part of London. Anastasia decided to hop on his lap, none of it felt real for any of them.

- Here we are, looking at a skyline together – An said and Josh smiled putting his arms around her.

- It’s our thing – He said smiling some more.

- I love you, and it’s so fucked up because… – Anastasia stared into Josh eyes while playing with his left ear - …you hurt me so bad – She looked down.

- I know and I will probably say sorry for that until my dying day – He said hugging her tighter.

They stared at the view for a few minutes more without saying a word.

- I don’t want to wake up from this – Josh said. Anastasia looked at him realizing for the first time that weekend how open he was being.

- We don’t have to – An said.

- How come? – He smiled sarcastically.

- I will leave it all for you – Anastasia looked straight to his small eyes – I will leave Richard, I’ll leave everything if you just ask me to.

- I can’t do that – Josh’s answer wasn’t exactly what she was expecting.

- Why? – She got up from his lap.

- You aren’t thinking clearly here! – He shouted - Listen – He went after her – I hurt you so bad, you don’t deserve someone like me – Apparently, the “Josh with issues” came back.

- Don’t say that! – She screamed now – You are enough for me, you are everything I want!

- And because I love you I can’t do that to you. I don’t know if I’m gonna screw it up again and you don’t deserve that.

- So I’ll have to wait? – Anastasia thought it was useless to keep fighting.

- I don’t know – Josh said and Anastasia went back to the bathroom to get dressed and cry. She just cried silently, and when she opened the door he was seating in the bed looking miserably at the floor. She walked towards him to be closer.

- I just want to say that you worth the wait. You are everything to me – An said and Josh looked up at her – Can I give you a kiss?

That kiss felt like a goodbye. That’s how a death kiss should’ve felt.

#Josh Klingohffer #josh klinghoffer fanfic #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #josh klinghoffer fan fiction #fanfiction #fan fic #Red Hot Chili Peppers #rhcpfanfiction #joshan #never is a long time

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boy-at-a-bus-stop · 7 years

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hello, i’m sorry it took me literally ages to update this story but this chapter was kind of hard to write but now here it is, and i hope you like it. it seems like tumblr still dislikes my quotation marks, they were again turned into some weird sings on here and i agan corrected all of them but well, we’ll see if it worked out this time (and i’m sorry if it doesn’t). Anyway, i hope you like this chapter, and i’d love to get a bit more feedback on this because i have literally no idea if there’s anything you like or dislike about my writing... so yeah, i hope you like this and thanks for reading!!!

Seven

Needless to say Josh left me utterly confused that night. I just couldn't make sense out of what had just happened, I tried to find a logical explanation, and of course the first thing that came to mind was that he was so drunk that he couldn't think straight and didn't mean what he said. There was no way he meant it. Or maybe I misinterpreted what he had said. I mean, you can love someone as a friend, right? I sometimes tell my friends that I love them. As friends. There's nothing wrong with that, right? And after all I could just have misheard what he had said.

I couldn't really sleep that night. I went to bed right after Josh had hung up but I just couldn't sleep. I think didn't sleep a single minute that night. Instead I wasted my time overthinking, trying to figure out what had happened, trying to figure out my feelings towards Josh and worrying about his well-being. After laying in bed for about two hours it started to get light outside and I decided to get out of bed even though I was still tired as fuck and I felt like a truck had run me over.

The only good thing about me being up this early was the beautiful lighting in the living room. Or better said the kitchen, the light came in through the kitchen window but it also made the living room look beautiful and fresh. 'Fresh' is the keyword. I went to the bathroom and did what normal people do there in the morning, I don't think I need to go into detail here, and then tried to find something to do to keep myself busy for a bit. It was around 7 am when I really had nothing left to do, so it was definitely too early to drive over to Josh's place. I again tried to read, but my brain just didn't want to understand the sense behind these black letters in front of me. I read the same few sentences over and over again but they just didn't make sense to me, not in the slightest. My brain just couldn't or wouldn't let go of the worry and confusion that was still in there. And I didn't know how to ignore it or get rid of it. So I stopped reading and took a look at the clock again. It was 7:30. Okay, if I left now i'd be at Josh's place around 8. Still quite early but I just couldn't wait another hour or thirty minutes or whatever, even the thought of waiting another 10 minutes seemed unbearable to me.

So I left shortly after 7:30 am and reached the apartment building where Josh lived around 8:15. I took a few deep breaths before ringing the doorbell, not really knowing what to expect. I rang the doorbell once and waited a few minutes. Nothing happened. I rang the doorbell again. Still, no answer. That didn't really help my worry to be honest. I felt my fingers shake slightly as I rang the doorbell for a few solid seconds the next time, and this time I heard some weird sounds inside the apartment just a little bit later. “I'm on my way...”, I heard a raspy voice say, then something fell onto the floor and a swell of swearwords followed. I supposed that Josh was looking for his keys. A few minutes later he locked open the door and opened it. His hair was a curly mess, he looked tired as fuck, his t-shirt was stained and the only thing he was wearing apart from that stained t-shirt was a pair of boxer shorts. The smell of alcohol was evident and he didn't appear to be all too sober. How would he be sober when he only just stopped drinking about four hours ago? “Hey...”, was all he said when he saw me, seemingly trying to escape my gaze.

“Hi. Won't you let me in?”, I responded a few seconds later of speechlessness. Even though I wasn't surprised to see Josh like this I was still kind of taken aback. “Oh, yeah of course, sorry”, he mumbled as he stepped aside to let me pass. I walked into the living room, Josh following close behind me. There were quite a few empty bottles of beer and whatever else and one more than half-empty bottle of wine standing on the living room floor. I sighed as I saw this. “Did you drink all of that?”, I asked an unnecessary question and turned around to face Josh who was standing behind me. Josh just nodded in response. I sighed once more. Sighing had become kind of a hobby of mine it seems.”Okay... I suggest you go take a shower and change into some clean clothes and then we'll go have breakfast, alright?” “Yeah...”, he mumbled as he started walking towards the bathroom. “And I won't clean up the mess if you have to throw up...”, I mumbled to myself.

I started tidying up the living room, I got rid of the empty bottles, put the cushions that were laying on the floor back on the sofa and so on and so forth. You know what I mean, don't you? While I was doing this I started talking to myself in a low voice without noticing it. I sometimes do this when there are a lot of confusing thoughts in my head or if I have to make an important decision. I don't know why but somehow actually saying these things out loud, forming the words in my mouth and sending them out into the world instead of just thinking them made deciding easier, even if it was just myself I was talking to. So I more or less silently discussed with myself whether I should ask Josh about what he had said just before hanging up the phone the night before. I think you can guess what happened.

I was in the living room tidying up and discussing this topic with myself as Josh came back. And I didn't notice him coming back. So the result was that he was standing in a relatively far away corner of the room (did I mention that his apartment was tiny? Yeah?) and heard what I was mumbling to myself. “What are you talking about?”, Josh then all of a sudden said what (obviously) made me jump because I hadn't noticed his presence until then. “Oh, uh, nothing, I was just thinking.. about a minor problem.. with my dad.. but it's no big deal, I just..”, I stuttered, trying to come up with a believable story. “Oh... okay... I'm sorry for making you jump by the way, I didn't mean to...” “It's fine, it's fine”, I said, glad that I had gotten away with my crappy explanation that wasn't even a real explanation in the first place. But something in the way he looked at me told me that he didn't buy this 100%. Josh had heard something in my soliloquy, he knew that there was something up. I knew that he knew that I had been talking about something different and I guessed that he guessed that it had to do with him but he wasn't sure and I wasn't sure either and since he didn't say anything I decided to not say anything either and just do the thing I always did and still do sometimes which is applying the totally immature and silly strategy of ignoring my problems and not talking about them to the person who could probably help solving them and just hoping for the problems to magically disappear without me ever having to deal with them. Sometimes it actually works, though. And sometimes this just makes things get more awkward by the minute, especially if the problem isn't a 'real', normal problem but an awkward, social one. Just like in this case...

So we found ourselves sitting at a table in a small diner down the street from where Josh lived and having breakfast just a few minutes later. Eating always helps when you drank too much, at least it does for me, and it seemed like it did help Josh quite a lot. I think he still had enough alcohol in his system by that time. He was moving slowly, probably trying to prevent the dizziness from intensifying and it made me smile a bit. As much as I liked him and as much as I hated seeing him trying to drink his worries away, it still somehow amused me a bit to see him deal with the affects of drinking a bit too much alcohol. And maybe it'd teach him something. “Are you okay?”, I asked looking at Josh as he slowly ate his scrabbled eggs. He just as slowly looked up from his plate, forcing a small smile on his face. “Yeah, i'm okay”, he mumbled,”Just.. a bit dizzy...” I couldn't help but smile to myself. Knowing that he would be perfectly fine in a few hours and there was nothing to worry about when it came to his health, this was a pretty amusing situation. We stayed silent for a few minutes, just eating our food. “So, what happened between Bob and you?”, I then asked after a few minutes. “Oh well...”, Josh sighed and looked up at me, scratching his neck uncomfortably,”Do you want to hear the long version or the short one?” “Whichever you prefer”, I responded. “Okay so... Bob and I had a fight about... whatever... and he threw a glass bottle at me and it was pure luck that he didn't hit me with it.. and well, it broke when it hit the wall right nex to my face. So yeah, in that moment I decided that was enough and I quit the band and stormed outside... But after a few minutes I regretted quitting and went back to talk to Bob but he had left already. So I checked if you were around but you weren't so I left you the note... And yeah, you know what happened afterwards...”, Josh explained.

“Yeah, I know what happened afterwards... So what do you want to do now?”, I asked and took a sip of coffee. “I don't know... I mean I want to rejoin the band somehow... But I know I can't do this anymore if Bob doesn't change and I want him to apologize, he can't do something like this and think he'll just get away with it”, Josh sighed and went back to eating. I didn't really know what to do either. I could definitely understand that Josh didn't want to do this anymore if things didn't change but at the same time I felt like it would be a huge mistake if Josh just gave up and Bob made the the album with a different person. I felt like Josh would miss a huge chance and that he would regret it later. On the other hand I doubted that Bob would apologize or do anything like that. It wouldn't fit him. If there was one thing Bob was bad at it was admitting that he was wrong or that he had made a mistake. And I still wasn't sure if Bob really wanted to make this album with Josh or if he just wanted to make an album and Josh was just the first person he came across so he asked him but he didn't really care if it was Josh or someone else. I hoped he wanted to really do it with Josh in the first place but I really wasn't sure. If Bob cared there was a small chance that he would apologize, if he didn't care... well then the recording with Josh was probably over. I really didn't know how Bob saw Josh in this project and in general. But as I said before, Bob isn't a bad person. Yeah, it might seem like he is, but he really isn't, not in normal life. So I couldn't believe that Bob would just replace Josh and make someone else play on the album. And maybe he'd want to give it another try. I definitely had to talk to him and try to convince him to apologize to Josh. “

“Maybe I should ask if YOU are okay?”, Josh interrupted my train of thought and brought me back to reality. ”Sorry, I just thought about... this whole situation and what to do about it”, I said and took a sip from my coffee just to see that it was cold by now. “So did you come to a conclusion?”, he asked and I shook my head.”Not really... I got an idea, though, I just don't know if it'll work”, I then said in a low voice. Josh raised his eyebrows at my comment. “So what so you want to do?” “You'll see soon enough”, I said and grinned at him. “You won't tell me?” “Not yet...”, I responded. To be completely honest, i didn’t really have a plan in the first place. All i wanted to do was talk to Bob and persuade him to apologize. Josh had finished eating by then and we sat there for a few more minutes, just looking out of the window at the people passing by. Then I paid for both of our meals, we left and headed back to Josh's apartment. “You really won't tell me?!”, Josh then asked again as we were standing in front of his door. “No I won't. There isn't really anything to to say to be honest. I'm really not sure if it'll work but i'll do my best”, I said and then added just a few seconds later, “But there's one thing.. Could you give me John's phone number” Josh looked at me, obviously confused. “Why do you need John's phone number?” ”I think he could help me solve this... problem”, I mumbled. Josh still looked confused but he didn't ask any more questions because he probably knew that I wouldn't answer them anyway. I gave him my phone, he saved John's phone number on it and gave it back to me.

“Don't text him, he never responds to text messages, just call him and pray for him to answer the phone”, Josh then said and turned away from me to lock open his front door and enter his apartment. “Uhm okay... In this case i'll try to contact him and... Can I leave you alone without having to be afraid that you drink some more?”, I mumbled, fearing an unfriendly reaction from Josh's side. “Yeah of course, i'll look after myself, I promise”, he chuckled and smiled for the very first time that day. “Okay, don't forget to drink a lot of water and eat enough, I swear that'll help”, I said, smiling back at him”Thank you, Ally”, Josh then said in a low voice, looking down at the floor. “Oh, there's nothing to thank for, Josh, really”, I mumbled, not really knowing what to say. “You're... you're an amazing friend, you know...”, he said after a minute of silence and to my great surprise I felt that he took my hand in his one and caressed the back of my hand with his thumb for a few seconds. I felt myself blush and couldn't help but stare at his hand holding mine. He let go too soon for my taste and opened the front door, then he faced me again and said, “You're a really, really, really good friend, Ally. Call me when you talked to Bob” Then he closed the door and, again, left me alone with my thoughts and my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, again. This seemed to become a habit of my heart and leaving me confused seemed to become Josh's habit. Why couldn't he just send clear signals for once? Why couldn't he just tell me how he felt about me? Maybe he didn't know how he felt about me, maybe he had the exact same problem as I had. But at the same time I felt like my heart had already decided, like I knew how I was feeling about him deep down. I was just too blind to see it - or too afraid to admit it.

I sighed as I walked down the stairs and left the apartment building. As I was sitting in my car I dialed John's number - of course John didn't answer the phone so I drove home and then called him again. This time he answered the phone. “Hello?”, was the very first thing he said. “Hey, it's me, Ally” “Oh hey Ally, what's the matter?”, John didn't seem all too surprised that I had his phone number. John has this kind of thing when he somehow just knows things, he somehow knows what's going to happen, not that I want to say that he can predict the future but... he kinda can. He's just got this special kind of intuition and it's really hard to surprise him. “I think I need your help...”, I started and told him what had happened. “So what do you think I should do? Do you want me to talk to Bob?”, John asked after I had finished. “Yeah, I thought maybe you could persuade him to apologize to Josh and give it another try”, I said. “Okay... but it think it'd be better if we both talked to him, you know?”, John responded. “Yeah, that's alright” “Okay, i'll call Bob right now and ask him if we can talk” “Perfect, see you soon, bye”, I responded. “Bye”, John said and hung up.

About half an hour later the doorbell rang and as I answered the door I saw John stand outside alone. “Hey, Bob will come over soon, I hope you're okay with this but if you're not..”, he started as soon as I had opened the door. “Yeah that's perfectly fine”, I interrupted him and invited him in. “How are you doing?”, I asked as I walked into the living room, John following me. “I'm alright, I have a lot to do, you know, but I'm alright”, he said and then asked how I was doing. I started talking about my dad and Susan and so on. I had just brought up the courage to tell John about my confusion and my feelings towards Josh when the doorbell was rung again. I answered the door and let in a tired-looking Bob who gave me a small smile when he saw me. Soon we all sat around the dinner table, John and me on one side, Bob on the other side. Bob really looked as if he hadn't slept a single second last night. Maybe he really hadn't. Maybe he had been worrying all night, just like me, about Josh, about what had happened, about the future. Maybe Bob actually cared about Josh. Maybe he cared more about him than I had initially thought. And maybe he cared more about him than he had shown all of us, more than he wanted to admit.

“So uhm... you talked to Josh? How is he doing? He was pretty... angry and... hurt I think when he stormed out the studio yesterday”, Bob asked. I thought about my answer quite a bit before I responded, “He's okay, he just needed some.. support I suppose. But he's okay” “Then why isn't he here? Is he still pissed? Doesn't he want to just continue working?”, Bob then said. I looked at John, searching for his support and reassurance. “If you really want to know what happened: He drank too much last night and he really hasn't got the energy to discuss this bullshit with you right now so he asked me if I could help him”, I mumbled and felt myself getting angry at Bob. “What is there to be discussed anyway? I threw a bottle at him, so what? It didn't hit him anyway. He's just some crybaby, said he wanted to quit the band.. I know he wouldn't do that anyway, he wouldn't have the courage to do that”, Bob exclaimed. I have to say that in this very moment I wasn't sure if Bob was a good person because he was damn good at acting like an asshole. “He already quit. And yeah, he'd like to come back and finish this album with you but... he won't unless you apologize, you know?”, John said in a calm voice. I was really impressed by his calm, one could feel that he knew Bob better than I did and better than Josh did. “You know what the problem is? You expect Josh to act like an adult but he don't take him seriously. You expect him to do act like an adult but you don't treat him like an adult. Instead you act like a child yourself. You can't even apologize”, I said, “Do you want to finish this album with someone else?” Bob didn't respond. He just stared at John and me, not saying a single word for a few minutes. “You know what? You're right. You're absolutely right. I was acting like a dick. And i'm really not good at apologizing because... I never do it, but well, I'll try”, He then mumbled, staring at the table.

I hadn't expected this. I was prepared for an hour-long discussion, but that didn't seem to be necessary. I looked over at John and he looked about as surprised as I was. “Are you serious?”, I asked after a few seconds. “Of course I'm serious, I'll talk to Josh tomorrow”, Bob answered. “Okaaaay... uhm... in this case...”, I stuttered. “In this case i'll go home and practice apologizing in front of the mirror, right?”, Bob said, gave John and me a small smile and got up. I walked him to the door. “You know, I know i'm not perfect, i'm far from perfect. And I'm very well aware of that. It's just... it's hard to admit that to others. It's hard to admit that I make mistakes...”, Bob mumbled on the way to the front door. “Yeah, I guess I know what you mean... Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes it's even hard to admit your feelings to yourself...”, I muttered. Bob turned around to face me, we had reached the door by now. “You know... it's enough if I risk losing Josh as a friend. Please... don't risk it yourself...”, Bob said and hugged me. I hugged him back, a bit surprised, and said in a low voice, “Yeah, you're right... I just don't know what to do and... I don't know...” ”I know you don't know, but just consider talking to Josh. It'll be worth it. Goodbye”, Bob said, let go of me and smiled at me before he turned around and walked away. I closed the door, leaned against it and closed my eyes for a bit, this day was fucking confusing and kind of exhausting. Or maybe it wasn't really confusing, but I felt like I was getting closer to making an important decision and I was scared of that. I'm always scared of making important decisions, but this one was so personal. This was different.

I had totally forgotten that John was still in my apartment so it made me jump quite a bit when all of a sudden his voice made the silence that had filled my apartment disappear. “Are you sure you're okay?”, he asked with a soft voice. Have you ever heard his voice? It's beautiful. If you haven't heard it you have to go and search for some interview or something on the internet RIGHT NOW. But well, I suppose you already heard it a few times, right? I mean, who hasn't. Then maybe I should ask if you paid enough attention to it? Okay, I'll stop talking about his voice, I just wanted to make my point clear. John's voice just gives me a sense of comfort, I don't know why but it just does and it did from the first time I heard it. Maybe you can relate to this, I don't know. But i've found that i'm not the only one who gets that kind of feeling when hearing John's voice. It's weird. He seems to have this special connection to some people even if they've never seen him in real life. Maybe it's really our souls and spirits connecting in another dimension, as he would put it. We'll probably never know. But anyways, that's not what I wanted to say in the first place.

My eyes shot open when I heard his voice and I saw him standing in front of me, a worried look on his face. “Yeah, i'm just... stressed and tired and maybe a bit... overwhelmed. But it's okay, nothing to worry about”, I answered and gave him a small smile to signal him that there really was no need to worry. John just stared at me for a few minutes and I couldn't quite tell what he was thinking. It wasn't awkward, though. It didn't make me nervous that he stared at me, it didn't scare me that I wasn't able to find out what he was thinking. Oh god, all of this must sound terribly weird to you, but I swear it isn't. John just has this kind of aura, it's really hard to explain.

“Is it because of Josh? Come on, you can tell me, maybe I'll be able to help”, John then said after a few minutes of absolute silence between the two of us. I felt myself blush as John mentioned Josh's name (it's still weird how their names are that similar, isn't it?) and I automatically looked down at my feet. “Okay, so it definitely IS because of Josh... But it's not this whole situation, it's not him fighting with Bob and quitting the band and getting drunk and so on... well, maybe it is a little bit but there's something more, right?”, John asked as a (for my taste way too) excited smile made it's way on his face. I think I blushed even more, I just had this feeling that John knew (or at least he somehow sensed) that Josh... had a special place in my heart, I think that's the best way to put it. I sighed and looked up again. “Okay, you might me right... It's just... I 'm not sure what to do. I have no idea if I should tell Josh how I feel about him because I don't want to make things awkward between us if he doesn't feel the same way... and I don't want to embarrass myself... Plus I have no idea how to tell him, or show him or whatever...”, I told John and to be completely honest it felt so good to just tell him, to share my feelings with someone who cared.

“May I give you some advice?”, John asked after a bit. I just nodded in response. “Just wait. Don't put yourself under too much pressure. If something's supposed to happen it will happen, you know? Don't worry about it. Josh's a wonderful person and if your spirits are meant to love each other then they will, just let them do their thing and they'll tell you what to do, wait until it feels right in every way imaginable, you know?”, he said and gave me a smile that made me feel like he knew more than I knew and that he wasn't going to tell me. I sighed (for what felt like the 10000th time that day) and mumbled, “You're probably right... Thank you” John still smiled at me, trying to hide his excitement (I would never have thought that something like this would get him that excited but it obviously did) but failing. “Oh uhm, I think I should leave, I got some more things to do...”, John then mumbled. I moved away from the door and opened it for him. “Bye Ally, see you soon”, John mumbled as he hugged me goodbye. “Bye John, and again thank you”, I responded. John gave me another one of his heartwarming smiles and then left.

#chapter 7 #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #fanfic #rhcp

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

Text

66. Baby Appeal

Hey,

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you! I hope you started the new year with your loved ones! Personally the last year was great for me. Not only did I make many new experiences, I also kept writing this story. I wouldn’t have done it if people wouldn’t have read it. So THANKS TO YOU for reading and liking my story.Thank you for 367 followers! I never thought that my story would get that much attention when I started it. And again sorry if there are any language mistakes, you know, English isn’t my first language. There are still a few chapters left. The journey goes on and I have some ideas left for these two people. This new chapter brings some changes to Josh’s & Eileen’s life. A huge change.

I also thought about beginning to write a complete own story in the future. Before starting JoshEileen, I already wrote two fanfictions, one about a skijumper and one about a German football player (maybe you know Mats Hummels? :D). So if I find the time in the near future I will create a new story and will let you know where I will upload it.

But right now, I hope you’ve fun reading the new chapter. Since the next chapter is almost finished, I will post it at the end of the week :)

___________________

October

Today was the day. Josh would come back home after one month of touring. The Chilis went to Europe again and had one week off now until they would hit the road again to tour Latin America and Australia.

I was happy that he would come back. Since I had to go back home in August when we planned to spend a week in LA I decided to take one week off from work. I wanted to spend Josh’s week off with him in LA. So I took a flight from JFK to LAX yesterday and was already waiting for him at the airport.

It was weird picking him up from the airport in LA. I usually did it in New York. But here in LA I could drive to the airport with Josh’s car.

I waited an hour because their flight was a bit delayed. Finally I saw him at the exit. I waved at him and he smiled when he saw me. We finally kissed again and remained in a hug for minutes.

Afterwards I welcomed Anthony and Flea as well until they went to their cars and left. “Finally” I whispered at Josh. “It was a long time….” He agreed. “Almost six week” I let him know. Before going on tour again Josh visited me in New York for three days. But as usually, it was too short. We didn’t see each other for more than one week in the last two months – which was hard. “But now we have one week off. Seven days. And I already know what we’ll do” Josh grinned at me. “Okay? What are we going to do?” I was surprised. “We’re driving home now but tomorrow morning we’re going to Malibu for three days. A friend of mine rented me his house” “What?” “No obligations” Josh grinned and got into the car.

We left in the early morning and drove to Malibu. Josh rented a house at the beach which was perfect. I loved this place although I didn’t have the feeling that Josh and I belonged to this place. We didn’t like all these luxury. “The house is beautiful” I marveled when we arrived there. “It is!” Josh agreed and I followed him to the balcony from where you had a great view at the ocean. “Wow….just….wow” I was kind of speechless. Josh and I spend a day at the beach – yes he accompanied me although he doesn’t like the sun that much – afterwards we had barbecue and finally took a walk at the beach until we laid down at the couch on the balcony and listened to music. It was so romantic. Maybe a little bit too romantic if you know what I mean….

We spent the next day in bed. We needed the rest, the bonding and the feelings. I missed him so much and I was so glad that we could finally spent one week together – and I loved his surprise to rent a house at the beach in Malibu.

When we came back to El Sereno Emma was already awaiting us. She mostly spent her days with her grandma in their house but her grandma had to go back to Chino for a few days so she stayed with us.

I decided to make pizza on our first evening we spent together. While Josh was watching some sports Emma and I were in the kitchen making pizza together. “Do you like tuna?” I asked her. “Of course!” she smiled. “Great…then let’s put some tuna on the pizza” “My mom never made pizza with tuna” Emma told me. “Why?” “Because she hated it” “Hm….I’m sorry….” I didn’t know how to react to a sentence like that. It always made me insecure and uncomfortable when Emma was talking about her mother. “It’s okay….I like you Eileen” she smiled at me. It melted my heart. Since Josh and I started our third serious relationship I tried to get along with Emma but I barely saw her so it still took me some time to get to know her. “Are you moving to LA some day?” Emma wanted to know. “Well….maybe. I don’t know. I have a job in New York, you know” “Yes, but Josh told me you will quit it because your blog will increase and you can make money with it?” “Um, yes kind of” I answered. It made me insecure talking about this topic.

It was true that Megan and I took the offer by this company and agreed a business deal. They would support us so we could hire two co workers and write more articles. They would also sponsor the advertisement for our blog on the internet so our blog would hopefully be known all over the States – some day. A lot has happened since we agreed the business deal in August. Now, two months later, we were just about to hire our first graphic designer who would be paid by the company. In November a freelance writer would start and we also planned to hire an intern. Crazy times right now. But I still didn’t think of quitting my job because there was still much work to do before we would be financial independent and could live by only working for the blog.

“I think Josh would be very happy if you would move back to California” Emma let me know. “I know he would….but, you know. Sometimes adults have to make decisions and it’s not that easy, especially if you have a job. You can’t just quit it” “My mom did it several times” Emma let me know. Again I didn’t know how to react. I only smiled. “Will you marry Josh?” the red hair girl looked at me. “Um, well…I don’t know. I mean, not right now” I chuckled. “But you know each other for a very long time now, right?” “Yes….” “Eight years? Wow….my mom never had a boyfriend for eight years….” “Well, Josh and I were only….friends. You know….so it is a new situation now” I told her. I knew that it wasn’t the truth but it seemed too complicated to explain a twelve year old girl the story of our two failed relationships. “Really? Just friends? My grandma told me that you and Josh dated before. But it didn’t work out. Because life happened. I don’t know what she meant by saying this….” I bit my lip. I didn’t know what to say. Did Josh tell Emma about our on-off relationship or was it only her grandma who told her? “Well….your grandma is right. Sometimes life happens” “But why? I mean, if I’m in love, I’m in love. It seems so easy….at least I guessed it’s easy. You tell the person you love that you love him and then you will be happy” “You know Emma, as a grown up nothing is as easy as it is when you’re a child” I told her.

Having dinner with Josh and Emma was great. It was the first time that only the three of us were spending time together. I liked it because it was a good way to get to know Emma a little bit more. It was still weird that Josh was her stepfather now but….I got used to it.

“Emma and you are getting along very well, right?” Josh noticed later that night. “We do! She’s so lovely” I told him with a smile on my face. “She is!” he agreed. “But she can be a little bit stressful sometimes” “Oh who wasn’t stressful at the age of 12?” I laughed. “You’re right” he grinned. “But no matter how great this day with Emma was….now we’re finally back together. Just the two of us. And I think we have to make good for a lot” he grinned and started kissing me and putting my clothes off. “Josh….not here, not right now” I warned him. He looked confused. “Why? It’s my bedroom” “Yes, but Emma is next door” I whispered. “So what?” he laughed. “I don’t know…..Don’t you think it’s weird if we have….sex when your stepdaughter is sleeping next door?” “Well…that’s like life as a parent is like” he chuckled. “It’s like being 18 again while still living at your parents house and you had to be quiet during sex so your parents won’t find out” I told him. “But they always knew” Josh grinned. “Probably” I sighed. “Stop thinking about it. She won’t hear anything….she’s asleep” he calmed me down and kept kissing me…

November

“Only one week left until I will see you again! Until I can kiss my lovely girlfriend again. As long as I want because I don’t have to leave for another tour leg. It feels great! I’m counting the days. This tour leg makes me sick. Australia is too hot for me. I know I’m a Californian native but….I don’t like the sun. And I don’t like the heat. Australia has a beautiful landscape but I’m just sick of this heat. I spent most of the time during our three days off at Flea’s house while the others were surfing or making a bike tour. I read a lot of good books and watched movies. I think I was the only person who waited until the sun went down before I left the house, haha. I’m just an idiot, haha.

Miss you Eileen…..Love you.

Btw….my parents asked me if we want to spend thanksgiving at their house. I told them we’ll be there.

J….”

While I was reading these lines I was about to vomit again. I was feeling so sick to my stomach. I didn’t know why. I mean, I didn’t have any spoiled food – I guess. But in the back of my head there was a thought what the reason for my sickness could have been. But I stopped thinking about it.

“Hey, so we’re seeing each other tomorrow at lunch, right? I already talked to our graphic designer Kevin and he told me we should definitely hire our second applicant as an intern” Megan was talking to me. But I didn’t really listen. I was feeling so sick. I thought about telling her but….I was afraid. “What’s wrong with you, Eileen?” she asked me. So you could probably see it in my face that I was feeling sick. “I’m just….I’m feeling sick to my stomach” I let her know. “Oh, did you upset your stomach?” she asked. I nodded. “Um, I guess….um” I stuttered. Megan was looking at me and didn’t quite understand. “Megan, can you stay a little bit longer after work….I have to do something” “Well….okay” she responded. I guess she already knew what I was going to do.

“Are you overdue?” she asked me when I went into the bathroom stall. “A little bit” I told her. “What does ‘a little bit’ mean in your language?” she responded. “Um, well….two weeks” “Two weeks? And you didn’t do a test earlier?” “No….” “Why not?” “Because….because….I was afraid” I told her and left the bathroom stall. “So now we have to wait five minutes” she informed me and took the test. “I hate it” I said. “Well, you shouldn’t hate it. You’re old enough to start a family, you have a lovely boyfriend and a serious relationship. It would be perfect if you’re pregnant” “What? No….it wouldn’t be perfect at all. I mean, look at me. I’m living in New York, Josh is living in LA….how should we have child then?” “Well, you obviously had enough time for making a baby so….you’ll have time for having one” “I hate your sarcasm” I looked at Megan. Silence. “So….here’s the deal: I will take a look at the test now because the five minutes are over. And if you’re not pregnant I will give you the test” “And what if I’m pregnant?” “Then I will…..” she said and already took a look at the test. She didn’t change her facial impression. “Megan, what does it say? Am I pregnant?” I asked in shock. She didn’t say a word. She just handled me the test. “What the fuck…..” was my first reaction.

Fiveteen minutes later Megan and I were still sitting in our office all by ourselves. I was still shocked because of the result. “I can’t believe it” I said. “Eileen, it’s not the end of the world. You’re pregnant! You should be happy. I mean, not every woman at the age of 35 can get pregnant so easily” “I know but….how should we do it? How should we handle it? I don’t know….I really don’t know” “You two will do it” she assured me and put her arms around my neck. “And what if Josh doesn’t want to have a child? I mean, he already has Emma and….” ”Eileen, stop worrying too much. Josh will be a great father. He already proved it while taking care of Emma. But Emma is not his own child so I can imagine he wants to have own kids some day….and if not with you, then with whom?” She was right. I don’t know with whom I could imagine having kids if not with Josh? But I was so afraid he didn’t feel the same. “You’ll see your doctor tomorrow and then you’ll tell Josh about the lovely secret when he’s back from tour, okay?” I loved how Megan always had a plan in situations where I was totally confused and overwhelmed. “Okay….” “How did you find out? I mean, only feeling sick or….” “I knew I was too late but I didn’t care. I thought it was because of the stress. The morning sickness started a few days ago….but I thought there was something wrong with my stomach….I never thought I could be pregnant. I mean, I didn’t even have sex in the past weeks” I said sarcastic. “Well, but Josh had a week off in October, right?” Megan grinned. “Yes….” I sighed. “See, now here’s the result” “I love your humor” I let her know and rolled my eyes.

After my talk with Megan I was determined that I would tell Josh about my pregnancy when he would come back home from tour. Since he arrived in the late evening one day before Thanksgiving, I already took a flight to LA a few hours earlier. I visited my parents but didn’t tell them. Josh should be the first one to know – okay Megan didn’t count here because I needed a friend who encouraged me to tell everyone and to be happy about the pregnancy - which was still difficult for me. Yesterday I saw my doctor in New York who told me that I was seven weeks pregnant and my due date would be on June 29. This time I wasn’t insecure and confused when leaving my doctor. I was happy and looking forward to the future. But although my doctor stilled my fears to lose my unborn child again, I was still a bit worried. But I tried to not think about it. I had to do a check up in a few weeks which was necessary for every woman who lost a child before. But I didn’t think about that today.

When Josh came home I was already in bed. It was 2am. He tried to be as quiet as he could but I woke up. And I was excited to finally see him again after five weeks of touring through the world. He came into his bedroom, didn’t turn on the lights and instead tried to walk to the bed in the darkness. When he was finally lying in the bed I put my arms around him and kissed him.

The next morning begun like every other morning in the past week for me: I woke up early because I was sick again and had to vomit. So I got up from the bed and tried to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake up my boyfriend. Then I got back in bed and tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I was too excited.

Megan encouraged me to be happy about the pregnancy and to tell Josh about it. I shouldn’t be worried that he wouldn’t want a child. Of course it wasn’t planned – it just happened. But she was right, we were both old enough, we had both good jobs and we would figure it out where to live and how to live. We would find a way. I was sure about that.

So when Josh finally woke up I gave him a kiss.

“Wow, what a great welcoming this morning” he smiled and kissed me back. Then he laid on top of me and wanted to go further. “Do you have a rub….?” he asked me. “Wait” I stopped him. “You don’t want one?” “No it’s just….um, let’s just cuddle okay?” “Well, okay” Josh grinned and stopped what he had already started. We just laid there and I tried to find the right way to tell him. But I didn’t know how. Josh told me about their latest tour leg and what he did in Down Under and Latin America. I loved listening to his touring stories but today I couldn’t concentrate on it. There was something on my mind and I had to voice it. Suddenly Josh got up. “I’m having a shower. Should we have breakfast afterwards? I’m starving!” he told me. When I was thinking about food I was feeling sick again. But I nodded. So Josh was showering and I was still thinking on how to tell him about my pregnancy. I texted Megan – yeah, I know it was stupid but she always had these great ideas. And this time she had a very good idea as well.

When Josh came back from the bathroom I knew he was looking for his phone. That’s what he always did after showering. Checking E-Mails and messages. Just like today. “Um, babe, did you see my phone?” he asked me. “Well, maybe it’s in your bed?” I suggested. Josh never used his phone in bed lately. He tried to stop checking e-mails and other stuff while already or still lying in bed. But today I put his phone on his pillow because….well…. “Oh I found it. You were….right” he said but then stopped. He saw the other thing I located next to his phone in his pillow. “Um, what….” Josh stuttered and then took the pregnancy test in his hands. He looked at it. Then he looked at me and back to the test. “Eileen, is this….” he started asking me. I nodded. I already had tears in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. I thought it was because of my hormones. “Oh my gosh…..are you pregnant? We’re having a baby????” Josh suddenly asked. I looked at him. In this moment I was afraid of his next reaction. It could have been anger and a total negative reaction or it could have been joy and happiness.

“Wow….wow….I’m speechless. We’re having a baby” he said and put his arms around me to squeeze me. I smiled at him and we kissed. It seemed like we both couldn’t believe it. “Happy thanksgiving” I whispered in his ears. “Wow….I think I never had a better gift than yours this year” he let me know. “I’m so glad you’re not freaking out” I told him. “Why should I freak out?” Josh couldn’t understand my worries. “I don’t know….we never talked about having kids.” “But I already have Emma and….I’m used to it. I guess I changed my whole opinion about having kids in the past year. I love kids” he smiled all over his face. “Yes but….I wasn’t sure. I thought maybe it was too exhausting taking care of Emma so you don’t want to have kids in the near future” “Eileen. How can you say so? I love kids and I love you. And I love the fact that we’re having a baby next year….how far….” He started asking. “Seven weeks. Due date is in June” “Oh great! I’ll be home in June. No touring in summer. Only a few shows in spring but that’s okay….best timing ever” he laughed. “Great” I smiled. “Seriously, you’re making me the happiest guy on earth! I can’t wait to tell my parents today” “Wait….um, maybe we should wait until telling everyone because….there is a check up I have to do in two weeks and….well” “Babe, you don’t have to worry. Everything will be fine. I know it” he said and stroked my belly. Of course you couldn’t see anything yet. “I know but….you know, after the miscarriage five years ago I’m just afraid. Plus, I’m not the youngest woman anymore” “Pff, youngest woman? Who said that?” “My doctor….you’re called a late mother after you’ve turned 35” “Well, don’t care about that. Everything will be great. I know it. I feel it” he said and kissed my bow.

Later we visited Josh’s parents for Thanksgiving. His mother cooked turkey and we all enjoyed our meal. I guess they were happy that Josh and I were back together. I knew that they liked me and from a secret source I knew that especially Josh’s mother didn’t like the other girls Josh dated in the past five years. Although he was kind of serious with Helen his mother didn’t like her – but pssssst, I didn’t know it, I bird aka Molly just told me.

I guess for the first time in years I was thankful on this day. Thankful to have Josh back in my life and to start a new life very soon. After dinner Josh wanted to spread the bomb. I was nervous and still didn’t feel that comfortable with telling his parents about my pregnancy but I had the feeling that Josh died to tell them because he was so happy. “So mom, dad, my lovely little sister and her family…..I want to share some news with you” Josh suddenly said. “Okay….a new music project?” his father joked. “Or maybe he has bought a new car. Josh, didn’t you want to buy a new car soon? I mean, your car is so small” her mother suggested. “Mom, it’s not that small. But yeah, maybe I have to buy a bigger car for the future” Josh said and looked at me smiling. “Why? Did you buy a new piano or so” his dad was still joking. “No….” Josh answered. “But our family will become a new member next year” he told his parents. I had the feeling that Josh’s father first didn’t quite understand what his son just told him. But his mother had already tears in her eyes. “Oh my gosh, you’re having a baby?????” she suddenly asked the important question. Josh and I nodded. “Yes mom. Eileen is pregnant” he let them know and took my hand. “Wow, oh well Josh” his mother couldn’t believe it. “After all these girls and all this struggle with Helen you’ve FINALLY found the one…..I mean, you already found her years ago but….wow. And I will be a grandma again! I knew it! I totally knew it!” she was full of joy and hugged us. “Congratulations my son” his dad said and squeezed us as well. “When is the due date?” his mother wanted to know. “In June” I told them. “I hope everything will be fine” “Oh of course it will be my darling” his mother told me. “You will give birth to a lovely and healthy child” she smiled. I tried to believe her words. “Seems like our family is getting bigger and bigger” Josh’s sister Olivia was grinning. She had already two children, a son Raúl and a daughter, Celine. “Yeah, next Thanksgiving we’ll be nine people” Josh smiled and gave me a kiss.

Although I first had my worries about telling Josh’s family about my pregnancy I now was happy about it. His mother encouraged me to be happy and to stop worrying. She also told me that she also had some worries when she was pregnant with Josh’s sister because her pregnancy wasn’t without complications. But in the end everything was fine.

I told my parents the next day and of course they reacted the same way. Full of happiness and joy. After Marc’s children there would be another grandchild. My mom couldn’t believe it. Of course she was a little bit worried too because of my past but…..we tried to distract ourselves from thinking about it. I wanted to look into the future without worries.

The only person who didn’t know about it was Emma. She spent Thanksgiving in Chino with her grandma and her cousins. Josh decided to tell her next week when she would come back to LA. I would be in New York again so I wouldn’t be there. But he assured me that he would tell her very sensitive and carefully. We still didn’t know how she would react if Josh would tell her about his future role as a real father with his own little family. We didn’t want her to feel like an outsider. She still belonged to his family and in a way it was also my family now. We both decided to spend Christmas with her together and I was hoping she would accept our next step and wouldn’t react sulky or shocked.

But when Josh called me a few days later when he was already back in LA, he didn’t have good news. He spoke to Emma and explained her the new situation but she didn’t react nicely. She was furious and couldn’t understand why Josh started a new life without her. He tried to explain her that he loved me and that this is how life is going to be some day. People having kids. But Emma didn’t want to accept it. I guess she already felt like an outsider which was totally wrong. We would both take care of her and our little baby….if she wanted to. But she left his house and went back to her grandma´s. Of course did her grandma already know about it. Josh informed her the other day and she reacted very positive and congratulated us. But her granddaughter couldn’t believe it. Josh didn’t talk to her the following days and she let him know that she will spend Christmas back home in Chino.

The next dayswent by very quickly – just like every year during Christmas season. I was back in New York and working with Megan on our blog. Since our business deal we already had two co workers and an intern would start in a few days. This also meant…..we both quitted our job. Yes we did. It was one of the last two weeks our old job in the office. It wasn’t easy quitting the job and of course I was scary and still am but….we didn’t have any other solution. If we wanted to work for our job in a professional way, we HAD to quit our 9 to 5 job. There wasn’t any other way. Of course our boss wasn’t pleased about our dismissal. But he accepted it and was already looking for two new co workers. Of course he wished us luck but he also told us that we can’t be sure about the success with our blog because the business is so fast moving. We already knew but we thanked him for his openness.

After I told Josh about my dismissal he was happy and suggested that now was the right time to move back to LA. But I had to disappoint him. Since our business partner was located in New York and we already hired two assistants we had to stay in New York for at least one year. And to be honest, I didn’t want to leave the city. I told Josh the truth and he accepted it. We agreed to have a talk about it after Christmas. I think he was already willing to accept that I wanted to stay in New York. I knew that it would also mean that our child would be born in the big apple but I liked the idea. And Josh already thought about moving to the east coast for a longer period of time…..

December

“Charlotte, can you please proof-read this text?” I asked our intern. She nodded and took the paper. While she was busy reading another new text for our blog I asked Megan to have lunch. “We’ll be back in an hour” I told Charlotte and our graphic designer and so we left. “Is everything okay?” Megan asked me when we were heading to our favorite restaurant in Brooklyn. I nodded. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m just starving” I laughed. After ordering our food – it was still not easy for me to take care of the food I was allowed to eat or not. “By the way, did you already got your test?” “Yes, my doctor called me yesterday to let me know that everything was fine and I shouldn’t be afraid of another miscarriage” I told her with a smile on my face. “Great” Megan respond. Josh and I were very happy to hear these good news from my doctor here in New York. I still didn’t quite know what he did at the check up but I didn’t care. Everything was fine. Our baby was healthy and already 10 weeks in my bump.

But there was another topic that frustrated me in the past week. “Megan, I’m a little bit afraid everything is going down just because I’m pregnant” I told her. “Why? We just started with our own business” “I know but….you know, now that we’ve just started….it’s not a good time to be pregnant.” “Eileen….you’re in your thirties….it’s totally normal to start a family at your age” “Yes but now that we both have a business to take care of….I don’t know….I’m just scared that I can’t make it. I don’t want to leave you alone with all the trouble” “Don’t worry about me. I can do it. I’m strong” she laughed. “Plus you can decide how long you want to go to work and when you want to leave. And you can stay away from work as long as you want. I don’t want to put pressure on you. We’re not a company where you have to come back to work two weeks after giving birth” I nodded. I thought about the regulations in Germany where you’re allowed to stay away from work for a much longer period of time – and you’ll still get your money. “But….what if you’re getting sick or so? I mean….what if we’re both not available” “Eileen” Megan tried to calm me down. “We can both work from home, right? And I guess if we’re talking to our business partners they offer us money so we can hire another writer who can also regulate everything.” “And what if not?” “Then….we have to pay this co worker on our own. But….don’t worry. We don’t need anyone. We’re a team of three with two freelancer writers and an intern. We can do this” “I know but…I’m just afraid that our business partners stop supporting us because I’m pregnant now and I won’t write and regulate as much as I would if I wouldn’t be pregnant” “Eileen…you really have to stop worrying. It makes you sick. You look so pale” Megan let me know. “Believe me, we both can do this and if we need another co worker and our business partner won’t pay this person, we’ll find a way” “Maybe Josh can give us some money….” “Eileen….we don’t need Josh. We can do this on our own” “But how? I mean….I will have a family in a few months. I can’t pay a co worker from my own money. I’m not rich…” “Believe me….we’ll find a way” Megan assured me.

I tried to believe Megan but I was afraid. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now we had an own business to take care of. I wasn’t only a writer who was writing for a newspaper or an online magazine. Now I was my own boss of my own online magazine. And our blog got more and more attention in the media. Other famous New York blogs mentioned us, Megan already gave some interviews about our idea and vision of our blog. I didn’t want to be in the spotlight but I couldn’t hide. So we both did a video interview for a New Yorker TV station and radio station a few days before Christmas. I was so happy that there were only a few days left until the holidays. I felt so exhausted. Megan and I decided to do a Christmas break for two weeks in our office. But before that we wanted to thank our co workers and invited them for dinner in a restaurant in Brooklyn. It was a great evening. I had my favorite pizza and we all had a nice chat. Of course I was a little bit too emotional when I did a short speech to thank our co workers. But I blamed it on my hormones. I was so thankful that we had this great business partner who truly wanted to support our idea of our own blog. I loved writing about every day topics, especially women topics. I guess since I found out about my pregnancy I was even much more enthusiastic in being a feminist. Of course my co workers congratulated me on my pregnancy and they even gave me the first baby toys for Christmas. I thanked them with tears in my eyes. Megan and I also have bought some presents for Kevin, our graphic designer, and Louisa, our Freelance writer and of course Charlotte, our intern. She was a very nice girl. She just started college and wanted to become a writer one day. I liked her ideas and the way she was working. She reminded me a little bit of myself when I was her age, in my early twenties. She was a little bit shy but I had the feeling she would become more and more self-confident. I was like her when I was younger.

When we left the restaurant at 11pm at this last Thursday before Christmas, Josh was already waiting for me. He landed in New York yesterday and we would stay here for a few days together until we would fly home to LA for the holidays.

“Hey” I greeted him and gave him a short kiss. When I turned around I saw Megan who was greeting Josh with a smile and the others who were also very friendly. But then there was Charlotte. She looked shocked. Just like she didn’t expect him to be here. Okay, maybe she didn’t expect him because I never told her about my boyfriend? I mean….why should I? Josh, as nice as he was, approached her and shook her hand. “Hey, I’m Josh” he said and smiled. Charlotte just looked at him. “Um, hi….I’m, I’m Charlotte. I’m the intern“ „Oh I know. I’ve hear about you. My girlfriend told only the good things about you” Josh joked. “Your….girlfriend. Of course Eileen, haha” Charlotte reacted so strange. As if she was really shocked that Josh was not only here, standing right in front of her, but also shocked because he had a girlfriend? “And you two are having a baby. Wow, congratulations” she stuttered. “Thank you” Josh grinned and looked at me. “You’re playing for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, right?” she asked him. Josh nodded. “Yes I do” Wow….I’m….I’m a huge fan and….wow” she seemed overwhelmed. “Well thank you” Josh seemed to feel a bit uncomfortable. “One of my friends has met you two years ago….she was backstage. She knew someone from your crew. She also took a pic with you and sent it to me. Haha, now this is so weird seeing you here” “Well….” Josh still didn’t know what to say. “Nice to meet you Charlotte” he said. “Yes, it’s really nice to meet you Josh” she smiled all over her face but her face was still blushed. “But now I have to drive my pregnant girlfriend home” Josh joked and took my hand. I said everyone goodbye and we left.

“Charlotte is so into Josh. I can’t believe it. Did you see how she looked at him? HAHAHAHA, this is so funny and also cute. Funny and cute. I guess she’s a little bit in love”

Megan just texted me when we arrived at Josh’s apartment. I grinned and started typing.

“Maybe she’s just a fan. ;)”

“No. She’s definitely a little bit into him. Didn’t you see how she looked at him and how weird she behaved? It was so much fun to watch it, haha. I don’t know what shocked her more: the fact that Josh has a gf or the fact that his gf is also her boss AND pregnant. Omg, poor little darling….”

“Megan, stop being mean. She’s a good intern and I really like her!”

“I know….I like her too. It was just cute to watch. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? I was so deep in love with Johnny Depp when I was 20….or with John Meyer….OMG he was so cute. Wow, I guess I’m still not over him. Maybe I will meet him some day…..”

“Of course you will :D”

“Why are you laughing?” Josh asked when we were lying in bed. “Megan started texting me” “Wow, seems like you two can not stop talking to each other for one hour” Josh grinned. “No, it’s….it’s because of Charlotte, our intern” “What’s wrong with her?” “Didn’t you see how she looked at you? I guess she’s a bit into you” I chuckled. “What? No….she’s just a fan” “That’s what you’re saying” I laughed. “Eileen…believe me. She just likes our music” “Oh well, believe me, I’m a woman”

The next day Josh drove me to work and even accompanied me to our office because one of his friends was working in the same building. So after having a coffee in our office he left to see his friend who was working for a different company.

After Josh left Charlotte followed me into the kitchen. “Eileen?” “Yes?” I turned around. “I just….I just wanted to say sorry” “For what?” I didn’t understand. “For my weird behavior yesterday. But I was just a little bit shocked to see Josh standing outside of the restaurant. I mean, I didn’t know he’s your boyfriend and I didn’t expect to meet one of my favorite musicians here in New York so….sorry. I think I just lost myself a little bit. I was just shocked. Maybe you thought I reacted weird but….well, I was just nervous and shocked” “It’s okay” I laughed. “You don’t have to apologize. I mean, you didn’t know it and how should you? I never did a speech where I informed you about my boyfriend”. She chuckled. “You’re right” “So….it’s okay” I smiled. “Okay” she seemed reassured. “So….um, I’m very happy for you two. When will the baby arrive?” “Thanks….due date is in June” I told her. “Great. Although I won’t be here anymore I wish you all the best” she smiled. “Thank you Charlotte” I responded. But then there was something on my mind. “Um, Charlotte?” I said. She turned around. “Um, please don’t tell anyone, okay? Josh and I want to stay private and….please don’t tell any other fans of the band that he’s going to be a dad, okay?” “I won’t” she assured me and left.

I thought if my request was a little bit too much. But it was the truth: Josh and I wanted to stay private and even if he wasn’t someone who was being followed by paparazzi like Anthony, we still wanted to let it stay private. Only our friends and family should know. Of course I couldn’t hide my pregnancy from my co workers but I decided to tell them from the get go so they knew and could understand if I would stay home for one day if I wasn’t feeling well. The fact that they found out about Josh wasn’t what I wanted but when Josh was standing outside of the restaurant, I couldn’t deny it anymore. Kevin and Louisa didn’t really care about him because they didn’t know him but since Charlotte reacted this weird, I was a little bit afraid she could tell this secret to other friends or fans. But I trusted her that she didn’t. It was the only chance I had, right?

Christmas came early this year – of course it didn’t but this year it felt like it came very early. I was so busy in the past weeks so suddenly it was December 24 and Josh and I spent this day with my family. Just like the German tradition of “Heiligabend” on this day we visited my parents, made raclette and had a wonderful evening together with my parents, Marc, Maggie and their two kids. I imagined how it would be when Josh and I would celebrate our first Christmas together with our little baby next year. I bet it would be great.

On December 25 we visited his family and had a great day with delicious food at the Klinghoffer’s house in Pasadena, where Josh’s parents were living for the past two years now.

On boxing day we went to a Lakers game. It was still weird being at a crowded place for me. But since I was already getting used to it and stop being so careful – I mean I was just pregnant and not sick, so what should happen? –Josh was much more caring. Every few minutes he asked me if I wanted something to drink or eat or if I want to go outside for fresh air. Every time he was asking me these questions I was just smiling and thanked him but I wasn’t hungry, thirsty or needed fresh air. I was feeling good!

Josh and I spent the days between Christmas and New Years Eve at his home in El Sereno. Emma was home in Chino to celebrate Christmas with her family and old friends Josh told her about my pregnancy. We didn’t know when she would come back to LA again but Josh talked to her grandma and hoped she would finally back home when school would start again. Sometimes I was wondering if Josh should take care of her a little bit more. Maybe our long distance relationship also destroyed his relationship to Emma because he was in New York too often? I hope it didn’t. But truth was that Emma’s grandma was the one to take care of her now. Whatever, I tried not to think about it now.

So it was just the two of us. We spent the days with lying on the couch, bingewatching TV shows on Netflix and ordering some food in the evening. I always loved these days between Christmas and New Years Eve because they always felt like you don’t have to do anything.

But on December 30 we took a flight back to New York. Josh took me out on a New Years Dinner the next day and afterwards we went to the Brooklyn Bridge to watch the city at midnight. Although there were so many people and it was very crowded and cold, it felt like there were just him and me.

“This is the last New Years Eve we are spending on our own. Next year there will be a tiny human being with us” Josh whispered in my ear and when I was listening to his words I got goosebumps. “I love you” he said and kissed me. His hands touched my belly. There was already a small bun to see and it made him so happy to touch and stroke it. I could see in his face that he was the happiest person in the world right now. He was so looking forward in having this baby. I think I could really be sure that Josh would be a great father.

January

Two days later I was back in the office. Although everyone was still having some days off I wanted to use the first days of the year to make some preparations and organizations for the last weeks of my pregnancy when I wouldn’t be able to work in the office. Also I wanted to make sure that everything was going well after the birth when I would be on my maternity leave for a few weeks. I still didn’t know how long but I planned to stay away from work for six weeks. But I wanted to start working from home so maybe I would totally stay out of the business for three or four weeks. I didn’t know. I didn’t have any imagination how it would be to have a baby. Of course I finally felt the baby in my belly with every new day. But it still felt strange to be a mother soon.

February

Although neither Josh nor I was into Valentines Day he took me out for a date in Manhattan. It was such a beautiful evening. Since my doctor told me I shouldn’t fly in the next months because it would be too dangerous for the baby, I couldn’t visit Josh in LA. So he had to come to New York more often. And he did. He only had a short tour in April with Eric. But it was only in California, so it would took him two weeks I guess. I was okay with it. At the same time I was relieved that he wasn’t touring with the Peppers at the moment. What if the baby would be born when he was in the UK or Germany? “I don’t want to imagine how it would be if you would be touring the world right now while I’m pregnant as fuck here in New York” I told him while we were having dinner. “I already told you, we have a great timing” he chuckled. “Seriously….how did Chad’s wife do it? I mean, I’m almost going crazy when you’re not here for a week” I laughed. “Well, maybe they’re already used to the situation. I don’t know” Josh suggested.

I noticed in the past weeks that I needed Josh by my side. My belly increased more and more with every day and I finally felt 100% pregnant. The first months were a bit strange and of course I noticed that my body changed but I couldn’t see anything yet. But now, five months pregnant, it felt real.

And sometimes I needed Josh by my side. I didn’t want to be alone in my apartment or in his apartment here in New York. Especially because there were still these worries on my mind: What if something happens to the baby….?

Also, I already wanted to be a family, even if our child wasn’t born yet. I wanted to be live together with him. And Josh wanted the same. He stayed with me here in New York in the past two weeks and would stay here for the next three weeks. I was so pleased that he had the opportunity to do so. He could leave LA whenever he wanted.

“So look at us, we’re having a valentines dinner, you’re pregnant. Who would have guessed anything like that one year ago?” Josh grinned. “I don’t know…..I definitely didn’t think this way….” I said. “Neither do I” he let me know. “So, it’s strange how life can change so fast” “It is….I still can’t believe it” “Only four months left”

Back home Josh was still taking care of me. He made always sure that I was drinking enough and that I didn’t carry heavy things. We already talked about our living situation and he finally decided to move to New York in two months after the tour. I was so happy to finally made this decision. We would move into his apartment in Manhattan. Of course Manhattan was a very crowded place – maybe not the best place for a newborn child – but it was big enough for a family. I already talked to my landlord and would quit my apartment in summer. “Let me put some lotion on your belly” Josh said and already had the lotion in his hands. “It’s important to do it, you know” “Yes, I know Mister Overprotective!” I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Sometimes I have the feeling you’re the one who is pregnant and not me”. “Well, I would do that. It’s so magical. Pregnant women are the most beautiful human beings on earth” Josh told me with a smile on his face. “Oh really? I don’t feel that beautiful at the moment. Instead I feel like a big fat whale” I told him. “You shouldn’t!” he grinned and kissed me.

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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65. Never Is A Long Time

Hey,

Merry Christmas to all of you! One year (almost) over again. Time flies. I hope you all have a merry Christmas with your family and loved ones. Thank you for reading my crazy story for more than a year now. Thank you so much!!! I will try to post another new chapter in the following days - but definitely this year haha.

_______________________

April

I already felt a bit embarrassed about Eileen��s wonderful words. I think I blushed. But it was too sweet. She not only thanked her family and friends, she also thanked me for being there. I mean, most of the time of her PhD studies, I wasn’t there because we weren’t dating at all. But I was so grateful that she remembered the moment when I encouraged her to start doing her PhD.

“And I do believe in women. To all the young women out there, to all the PhD students out there, let me tell you something: you can do it, if you believe in yourself. When there is one thing I’ve learned during my PhD study – and of course I’ve learned a lot more than that – then it’s the fact that believing in yourself and your strength is the key to success. So, thank you Professor, thank you UCLA and thank you to my family and Josh.”

She said and I blushed again. I think my head almost looked like a tomato – but I didn’t care. I mean, this wasn’t about me, this was about Eileen. And I was so proud of her. She did it. She started her own path and she didn’t stop. She worked so hard for this graduation and now, five years later, she was holding this certification in her hands. I could see the happiness and pride in her eyes.

After the event we went back into the foyer where everyone was greeting families and friends and Eileen’s professor approached her again and thanked her for this powerful speech. He was proud, I was proud, we were all very proud of her.

“Wasn’t it too cheesy?” She asked me when we were laying in my bed. “No it wasn’t” I assured her. “It was just perfect. You did a very good speech there. I think I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have the guts to do it” “Of course you can!” she smiled at me and then kissed me goodnight. While Eileen fell asleep very quickly I was thinking about this night and all the other nights we shared together after this cold day in February. I was so thankful that we could figure it out – a third time! I was so happy that this woman was by my side again. I realized how bad I missed her when I saw her again back in the days in December. I still don’t know why I behaved like an idiot afterwards. Why I didn’t call her, didn’t text her. Why I left the New Years Eve Party and why I had a few drinks with this girl after my concert when Eileen left earlier. I was such an idiot, a coward, an asshole. The only person I wanted to see again was her. No other girl. None of all these girls I had. But I didn’t have the guts to tell her. The decision to text her one week later wasn’t easy. And it wasn’t my decision. Honestly, it was Eric Avery’s advice. He was still in New York and I met him one day after Eileen left my apartment. Eric and I had a very long walk and a very long talk – which continued in a bar at night. He told me about his marriage and about all these stupid decisions he did before realizing that his wife is the one. So he kind of opened my eyes. He told me to give it one last try. He told me to call Eileen one last time to ask her to meet me. But I was too afraid to call her because I was too afraid she wouldn’t pick the phone up. So I decided to text her. If she wouldn’t respond I could still think she didn’t read it. However. In the end she did read it and we met. The rest is history. The last two months after this cold night in February in New York were great. I stayed in the city for another week and we spent every day together. I picked her up from work and we had a walk through the park, had coffee, had dinner at a restaurant, went to the cinema or theater. We had so many dates. I think I never had so many dates in one week before. But then I had to leave the city to go back to LA. Of course it isn’t easy to have a long distance relationship but it can work out.

While Eileen can take the next flight to LA whenever she wants, I can be more spontaneous. Since Emma is now living with her grandma in their new home in the neighborhood, I can be more spontaneous than before. So I tried to fly back to New York City every two weeks. So we can mostly spend 4 or 5 days together in the city. It worked out. Now it is the first time that Eileen flew to LA because of her graduation. Of course she was also happy to see her family and friends again. We were very busy this weekend. When she arrived here Friday afternoon we drove to her parents house to greet them and have a short talk. Then we went back to my home. But the next morning we were invited to her brothers house for breakfast. So we did. Of course it was a great time but I wished I had more time with only her. Just the two of us. But we have a whole future in front of us so….we will have time for a date night Ig guess.

But to be honest, I’m a bit afraid what will happen if the Chilis will tour again. For now the tour is over. In June there is a short tour with the Dots through California. Eileen told me yesterday that she took some days off at work and will accompany me the whole tour. I’m excited. The Chilis will start touring again in fall. We will tour Latin America and Australia and that’s it. Then the tour for our new album will be over. And I couldn’t be happier. Maybe it sounds ridiculous but I’m too afraid to make a new record with the Chilis and to tour again because I’m afraid what will happen to Eileen and me when I will be on the road again. When she is still living in New York and I’m living in LA, how should we do this when I will be out of the country every few weeks?

But I tried not to think about it too much. I tried just to see the present. She’s here, with me. I couldn’t be happier.

June

“I can’t believe that the blog is so successful” I told Josh while he was driving. We were on the road to San Francisco where he would play the last of four gigs with Dot Hacker in California.

After concerts in Santa Maria, Fresno and San José they would finish their tour in San Francisco. We were on the road with a small bus and Josh’s car. While the others were driving in the bus Josh and I were obviously in his car. It felt like a little road trip. I loved spending so much time with him because we didn’t see each other very often in the past weeks. While I had to go to work in New York, Josh had to do rehearsals with his band before the tour. So it is the first time in a months that we see each other again.

“Did you ever think about doing money with your blog? I mean, starting it professionally?” he asked me. “Hm….we kind of make a short amount of money but…it’s not that we could do it for a living” “But what if you would do that? You would be more independent and we could see each other more often” he grinned at me. “Ah, I see your backing thoughts on this” I laughed. “Yes, of course it would be great to make money with the blog so I wouldn’t have to go to the office in New York but….it didn’t happen yet.” “Maybe in the future” he let me know.

After arriving in San Francisco we met with the others and had burgers in a diner. I liked the cool and chilling atmosphere between the band members. Jonathan was accompanied by his wife while the others were solo on this tour. I think Molly wouldn’t have time to accompany Eric on tour while they would need someone who would take care of their daughter. Or would she took her with them? Who knows….since I also knew that Clint was kind of happy to have some free time away from his baby, I was glad that Josh and I didn’t have a family yet.

While Josh and the others were preparing for their gig in the club I was walking through the streets and had some coffee in a nice café. I loved San Francisco – or San Fran how the cool kids call it. Seriously, this would be a city I could live in. It’s not that crowded as LA but it’s warmer and sunnier than in New York. Maybe, someday? Who knows? After living in Berlin and New York I was open to live in new and exciting cities. I could also imagine living in Chicago. I’ve only been there for a few days but I loved it there. Well, in the end we cannot look into the future to see where we’re going to live in five years. But I think Josh would never ever leave LA forever. Even New York is bothering him sometimes….although he loves the city. In the past months we mostly met in New York because Josh was so independent with his job so he could take any flight to the city to visit me. I only visited him one time in LA – on the weekend of my graduation. Of course I missed LA. It was my home. But I always missed it when I was living far away. But I knew that the world is exciting and I wanted to see some new places – so New York was quite cool.

Maybe Josh was right, being independent with a blog would be a great job but….well, it’s not that we’re SO famous. Of course Megan had a network and we have already a great amount of readers on our blog but that’s not all. We still have to work hard to prove ourselves.

Later that day I went to the club where the Dots would play their last concert of the short tour. It was already very crowded when I headed into the backstage.

“Hey, there you are. I already missed you. I thought you would be caught and put to Alcatraz” “Seriously?” I laughed at Josh. “No….sorry. I just loved the joke” “Funny guy….very funny guy” I said. “Hey, um would you mind playing Apt Mess tonight?” I asked him. Josh looked at me. “You know that I have a cold and I cannot sing these high notes on stage” “Oh well, you can definitely do that! I believe in you” I smiled at him. “Apt Mess” was my favorite Dot Hacker song, so I finally wanted to hear it live because I’ve never heard it live. “I can’t promise but I will definitely play a special song tonight” he let me know.

I was so excited when the band entered the stage. I was already having a beer together with Jonathan’s wife when the guys started playing. “I really hope they won’t play any sad song” she joked. “Well, I guess in a way, almost every song they have is sad” “Yes, just because your boyfriend is such a melancholic guy” she laughed.

Wow, it still sounded weird to hear Josh being called my boyfriend. Of course he was and of course I was very happy to be back together with him but….it still felt weird. I mean, we tried it before and we failed. Now we didn’t know if it will work out. We could only try. And we did great in the past four months. Maybe it was because I didn’t think of the future yet.

After the main set the others left the stage and only Josh came back and sat down at the piano. “So today I want to play a special song that we barely play live. It’s a song I wrote in a very sad and disillusioned time back in the days when a special woman left me. I needed time, I needed so much time….in the end I needed five years. Now she’s here and I want to dedicate this song to her”

Wow. I never heard Josh saying such personal things live on stage. He was more the introvert and shy guy who barely talked about his personal life so….I was surprised. And I didn’t know what song would follow until he started playing the first chords.

“Will someone love me Singularly Sing along with me Forget along with me Cassandra's warning If all I want is flattery No one to blame to but me If I let it defect me Who you doing all this for Ice skating on a frozen pond in March Where was the warning Why weren't you with me Remember how It was before me”

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In the end my tears were streaming down my face but I tried to hide it.

“Oh my gosh, Josh is such an emotional guy. I knew he would do it. I knew he would play this song tonight….oh my, I’m almost crying, how about you?” Jonathan’s wife looked at me. “Okay that’s an answer I guess” she chuckled while looking at the tears in my face. “Sorry” I said. “It’s just….it was very emotional. I didn’t know he wrote this song about….us” “Oh yes my dear, he did. Jonathan told me the whole story back in the day when they did the song…I was like ‘What a bitch! How can she leave him?’. But I can totally understand your situation” Okay, Jonathan’s wife was obliviously well-informed about Josh’s and my relationship. I just chuckled and then we applauded the band.

After the gig I went backstage to thank him for this special performance. But Josh just played it cool. “It was just….I wanted to play it, you know” “Of course he did….he was questioning it the whole day! I think he already questioned it before the tour” Jonathan let us know. “Well, I liked it” “Thank you” Josh said chuckling. When I hugged and kissed him his band mates were applauding. “Finally, even Klinghoffer has his happy end” Clint grinned. “What do you mean?” I asked him laughing. “Well, last year each of us had a personal happy end. Jonathan married, Molly and I are happy being parents and Clint became a father. So there was only Josh who had to get his personal happy end” Eric told us. “And now he did!” Clint laughed and clapped Josh’s shoulder. “Who wants beer?” Clint asked everyone and opened a few bottles.

It followed a drunken aftershow party and Josh and I fell into bed in the middle of the night. While I wanted to sleep without getting up early like the last days, Josh woke me up at 7am. “Hey, wanna do a road trip back home?” I was so asleep, I barely could answer but I must have agreed.

So Josh and I started a road trip back home to LA. Josh drove directly to the Yosemite National Park where we stopped and did a short hike. Although I was still very tired I loved the view and the nature around us. Josh knew that I loved National parks so it was the perfect decision to visit this park. I’ve never been here before!

We made a break and sat down at a bench in the middle of nowhere. It was so romantic, maybe a little bit too romantic. Maybe a little bit too cheesy. “I love you for showing me beautiful places like this” I told Josh and kissed him. “Well, you should thank the nature, not me. I mean, I only drove the car” “Jokester” I laughed. “You know what I mean” “Of course I do” he smiled at me and kissed me. “I guess you’re the only person who knows me that well” “Really?” “Yes” “Hm….okay”

For a while we just sat there and took a look at the nation around us. All the trees, the beautiful blue sky and the rocks. I loved it. I loved this park. “You know what I was thinking about the last days?” I asked Josh. “No?” “I was thinking about Lara….her wedding is in two months and we didn’t talk to each other since our fight last year” “Hm….maybe you should call her?” “But….I don’t know if she wants me to call her. I don’t even know if she wants me to talk to her ever again” “Don’t say that” Josh told me. “She’s your friend.” “I’m not sure anymore” “You two used to be best friends, you went through so much together….you lived together. She was there when you were heartbroken….when you were sick….when you were sad. Even though there was an ocean between you two, sometimes” “I know but….what if she doesn’t want to? Maybe she changed….” ”Eileen, stop being so negative. Lara was your best friend. She still is. And I think you should call her. It’s not a good idea to separate after a fight” “Hm….” I was too scared to ask him this question so I just looked at him. “What’s wrong?” Josh asked me. “Are you talking of Helen?” “Hm….maybe….but we don’t have to talk about it” “Of course we can talk about it. I’m not only your girlfriend, I’m also your friend, right?” “Right” he agreed. “So tell me, are you still mad at her for leaving?” “In a way….” He said. “I mean, she left her child. I still wonder why she did that. And why she left me behind with Emma. I’m not even her father” “Because she trusted you?” “Maybe….but….it changed my life, you know. I don’t want to miss Emma in my life but….I still don’t know what Helen was up to…but before she left we had a fight. It was just a stupid discussion but….we could never figure it our because she decided to leave. And I still wonder why” “Josh, it’s not your fault. If that’s what you wanted to say….it is not” “I know….it is not” “But?” “But sometimes I wonder if she would have left if we wouldn’t have had this fight” “Do you think you two would have had a second chance?” He looked at me, surprised by my question. “No I don’t think so” “But what if she wouldn’t have left. She would always be there….maybe you two would have tried it a second time….” “Maybe….I don’t know. But I guess I wouldn’t have done this after I met you in December” “What if not? What if we wouldn’t have met again after our break up five years ago?” Now Josh seemed surprised again. “I….I don’t know” “I can imagine we both would have ended up with people we wouldn’t truly love. Maybe you would have married Helen and I would still be with Sebastian. Who knows….” ”Why do you think I would have married her?” “Because…..I don’t know….maybe not” “Did you ever think about marrying?” “Of course I did” “Marrying whom?” “Um, well…..” of course I thought about it in the past months. But it wasn’t something I wanted to do in the next year. “Sorry….I didn’t want to bother you” Josh apologized. “No its okay. You’re my boyfriend, your not bothering me at all” I laughed. “Not?” “No….never” I said and kissed him.

July

Josh was right. I should call Lara. I mean, we were friends, right? So I did. I called her on a Friday evening, German time. She picked it up. Of course she was overwhelmed and didn’t expect me to call her. But she was also grateful that I did it. We had a three hour talk and clarified our struggles from the past. In the end it was just a stupid discussion that led into a fight and into not talking to each other for half a year.

I was glad that my best friend was back in my life. Of course she asked me what was going on in my life and I think she wasn’t that surprised that Josh and I were back together. “In the end I knew it all the time that you and Josh belong to each other and…..although I liked you and Sebastian….I knew that it wouldn’t work out forever. But I know Josh and I know you and despite all my worries and my opinion about his past I have to say that….I want you to be happy and if he is the one that makes you happy then I will accept it”

Finally we arranged a meeting real soon. Lara came to visit me in New York only three weeks after my call. Because I couldn’t be at her bachelorette party she decided to make a short trip to the big apple! So after showing her the city, having the best burger in New York, visiting the Rockefeller Center and the Statue of Liberty, we finally went partying in a club. I felt like being 26 again, when I first moved to Berlin into Lara’s apartment. The whole trip was like a flashback into our twenties where we went out partying and dancing every weekend. I loved the clubs in Berlin, but clubs in New York were crazier. So we had a few great nights in the city that never sleeps and finally took a flight to LA where Josh picked us up from the airport and Lara and I did some typical touristic tours in LA. Sometimes I loved being a tourist in my own city.

While Josh was busy making music with some friends Lara and I spent every day together, no matter if at the beach or in the Hollywood Hills. She even met Emma before having dinner together in Josh’s house. After the dinner when Emma was already in bed and Josh was watching some baseball Lara and I enjoyed a glass of wine on Josh’s balcony.

“This house is so beautiful. It’s not that big but it’s big enough for three people” she said. “It is….I really like it. And it’s so sad that I can’t be here all the time. I miss it” “Do you have any plans for moving back to LA soon or will Josh move to New York?” “I don’t know….Josh’s place is here in LA….I’m living and working in New York right now. That’s it. We can’t change it, I guess. At least not in the next year” “But Josh flies to New York whenever he has time?” “Yes, he does. Especially now that he has still time doing it. We see each other almost every two weeks for five days. It’s not that much, but it’s okay. I realized that even if you don’t want to have a long distance relationship….if it’s the right person, then you can do it. Maybe not forever. But you can do it for a certain period of time” “I admire that you don’t look into the past….all these things that happened between you two. I mean, Josh wasn’t the best gentleman all the time” “He wasn’t but….he changed. I changed. We all changed. I mean, we’re older now. It’s already eight years ago that I met Josh for the first time. Although we didn’t see each other for almost five years, I still know him. We were so close and now we’re back together. I think we just continued being a couple at the point where we ended it five years ago” “Wow….I couldn’t do it. Ex is ex…..at least I wouldn’t try another serious relationship” “Not everyone can do this….I didn’t know that I can….but as you see…I can” I chuckled. “Do you have plans for the future?” “Hm….I don’t know. We just want to enjoy the moment. Right now. I don’t care about the future. I don’t care about next year or what will be in five years. I learned that I can’t plan my future….it just happens….” ”….while you’re busy making other plans. Yeah, I know” Lara laughed. “What about you and Felix? You’re getting married in a month! Do you want to move into a bigger apartment? Do you think of….kids?” “Well” Lara chuckled. “We did talk about moving out of my apartment and I think we will look for a new apartment after our wedding. But kids….I don’t know. I think I don’t want to have kids right now…” “It’s okay….you don’t have to have kids just because you’re married” “I know but….many people already asked me if we’re ‘planning’ and ‘trying’ it. Well, no. We don’t do it. We don’t want it” “Me too….Josh and I didn’t talk about this topic yet. But I don’t think he wants to have kids very soon….I mean, we’re only dating again for six months, so….maybe a little bit too early” “And he already has to take care of Emma” Lara said. “He has” “How does it feel? I mean….he’s a dad now. Although she’s not his daughter. It’s so weird. How is it for you as his girlfriend that he has a twelve year old stepdaughter?” “Well….sometimes it’s not easy. I mean, I barely see Emma. Most of the time Josh and I are in New York so I just saw her back in April and for a few hours before we left for the Dot Hacker tour and of course yesterday and today….but….well, we don’t have any relationship yet I guess. Maybe it needs time” “Do you think she will get angry if she realizes that Josh is very serious with you and you will stay together and maybe someday move in together? Maybe she doesn’t accept you because you’re not her mother” “But Josh isn’t her father as well” “I know but….he’s now the person who is in charge. He takes care of her. He is like the dad she never had, right?” “I guess so” “And maybe she can’t take it if he starts a serious relationship with someone new who isn’t her mother” “But her mother left her and Josh….plus, they were already parted when her mother left.” “I know but….she’s a teenage girl now. I can imagine that it won’t be easy with her in the next years” “Maybe you’re right….” “And if you – maybe – will get pregnant some day, maybe she doesn’t accept it. Maybe she causes trouble at home because she doesn’t want Josh to start his own family.” “But why should she think so?” “Teenage girls” Lara told me. “I never really accepted it when my father started a new family with a younger woman. My two half brothers are very cute and I love them and finally I’ve accepted it that my father wanted to start all over again. But it wasn’t easy.” “I know….I can imagine that it isn’t easy.” “And Emma’s mother left. Maybe she has the feeling that Josh will leave her too when he’s starting his own family with you” “Well….whatever. We never talked about it and I don’t think that it will happen very soon” I assured her. “Maybe Emma will be old enough when it happens” Lara grinned.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I thought about Lara’s words. Maybe she was right. Emma and I didn’t really have a relationship, I didn’t see her enough for saying that she was part of the family for me. I never really thought about the fact that she doesn’t like me or could hate me for being with Josh. I really hope that Lara wasn’t right and Emma would accept me.

August

“Why are so bad in tying your own tie. I can’t believe it” I laughed when Josh was looking at me confused, the tie in his hands. I helped him. “We have to hurry up. The cab is coming soon” I told him. It was Lara’s and Felix’ wedding day. I was so nervous and excited. Finally, my best friend would get married! Josh and I took a flight to Berlin two days ago. We hoped to fight against the jet lag so we wouldn’t be so tired at the wedding – at least I was hoping I could do it in two days but I was so wrong. While Josh didn’t care about the jet lag because he was used to it, I was still struggling. So I was very tired when we arrived at the wedding. The wedding took place in a wonderful park in Berlin. They didn’t want to get married in a church so they decided to do it in a park a little bit outside of Berlin. So many friends and family members were invited. Of course I was Lara’s maid of honor. I was so excited because I had to do a speech later at the dinner table. But first there was this special moment when the groom went to the altar to meet his bride. Lara looked so gorgeous in her beige dress. She was like a princess. Felix seemed nervous as well but as always he tried to hide it while telling jokes. Finally they were both being asked THE question – and they both said “yes”. Kiss.

My speech started a little bit nervous and I noticed that I blushed all over my face and in my decollete but I didn’t care. “Lara and I went through a lot and if you ask me, I NEVER thought that this girl who liked to party so much and who met a lot of guys during her twenties….I never thought that she would find the right guy. But she did. I knew they would be happy when I saw them together for the first time. It was love….yes it sounds so cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth! Lara and Felix are the best example for love between two completely different people. While Lara is into drawing and designing, Felix is into music and likes to do sports – which Lara hates!” Laughter. “But in the end it doesn’t matter how many interests you share with your partner….it does matter how happy this person makes you. No matter how much time you need until you realize that this person is the right one – it is worth it. Lara did meet many frogs before she met Felix” laughter. “So cling your glasses to the bride and groom! Live forever!” Applause.

I chose this quote from Oasis because that’s on of the few things they both love – Oasis.

The party was great. We danced, laughed, had great conversations and in the end I was crying because my best friend got married. She looked so beautiful in her dress and the way she and Felix acted together as a newlyweds was so cute. I caught myself in a moment when I was thinking about my own marriage. I wondered if it would happen and when it would happen. Of course it would be too soon now because Josh and I were only dating for seven months but….well, we’re old enough now, right?

Later that night in our hotel room Josh and I were talking about the wedding. “They are so perfect for each other” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “They are! And I think they will be happy for the rest of their lives….” “Do you really believe in a love that lasts forever?” I asked him. Josh looked a bit shocked. “Well…..Don’t you believe in it?” “Um, well…..I think we can’t look into the future and I learned a lot about love in the past years….but I don’t know if love will last forever” “What? Eileen….seriously” Josh was laughing. “So you think we won’t be together forever because it can go wrong?” “It can….we have to face the truth. It did….we broke up twice. So….we can’t be 100 percent sure that it will last. So I think I changed my opinion about love and I’m a little bit more realistic now than I was five years ago” “But….I love you. I don’t want our love to break again” “Neither do I want that” I told him and laid my head on his shoulder. “But, you know….sometimes life is happening and you can’t change it” “Maybe we should move in together” Josh suddenly said. “Are you serious?” I asked him and looked him into the eyes. “Yes, I am….I mean, I’m 42 in two months and I would like to live together with my perfect girlfriend” “I’m not perfect” I let him know. “To me you’re perfect” he grinned and kissed me. “Hm….but how should we do this?” I asked him. “I mean, I’m still living in New York and I can’t leave my job.” “You could look for a job in LA. Or you can only concentrate on your blog and quit your job” “So you want me to move to LA?” “Hm….would be great” he smiled at me. But I was confused. Did he really wanted me to quit my job just to move to LA?

“But what if I want to stay in New York? I love my job. I’m well paid and I love this work” “I know….but….did you ever think of coming back to LA?” “I’m coming back next week.” “I mean, for a longer time. Not only for one week” Josh rolled his eyes. “No….actually I didn’t think about that”

I guess I shocked Josh with my answer.

“Well….but I did.” “So you thought about me moving back to LA?” “I think about that a lot” he let me know. His voice was serious. “Oh good to know….” I said a bit pissed off. “Why don’t you think about moving to New York?” “Because….I’m living LA. My life is taking place in LA” “Yeah I know but….I’m the one with a 9 to 5 job, right? You’re just a musician who can work wherever he is in the world. Of course you have to record new songs and produce an album and jam and rehearse but….Chad is living in New York as well. It would be so much easier if you would move to New York. I mean, you already bought an apartment there” “I did. But I never thought about moving to the city forever” “It doesn’t have to be forever. Just for a few years” “But Eileen, my main job is in LA. All my friends and my band are living there. I can’t leave this city” “Yes you can. You could, if you would. But you don’t want to, am I right?” “Why do we have this discussion?” “Because YOU started it” I raised my voice. “You told me to move to LA” “I never told you to do that! I just said that it would be great because we would see each other more often. Like a real couple” “Oh, so we aren’t a real couple yet?” “I never said that” “You said it just a few seconds ago! ‘We would see each other more often. Like a real couple’. So I assume we aren’t a real couple. Then, what are we? Friends with benefits?” “Eileen, stop making stupid jokes about it” “No, seriously Josh. What are we if we aren’t a real couple, hm?” “We are a couple. We are in love. We are having a relationship. But we don’t see each other very often and that sucks” “I know that it sucks but we can’t change it. At least I can’t change it. Not in the next year. So maybe we should have a talk about it in one year” “I just thought that you could quit your job and focus on your blog so you can work from every city in the world. No matter where you are, you can always work for your blog. So you could move back to LA” “But you’re missing a point here. You never asked me if I really want to do that.” “You don’t want to come back to LA some day?” he looked at me shocked. “No….you never asked me if I want to quit my job just to focus in my blog so we could have more time for each other. I mean, it makes sense. But I don’t want to quit my job. I want to be independent.” “Eileen, you are independent” “No. If I would quit my job I wouldn’t be independent anymore. Not if my blog will be that successful so I could make money with it. But it didn’t happen yet. Sometimes we have some cooperations but we don’t make much money with it. So I would be dependent on you and I don’t want that” “But I have enough money for both of our lives….” “WOW…..wow…..Josh, seriously? You never said something like that. You always supported my independence and now you’re telling me to quit my job, move back to LA because you have so much money that I don’t have to go to work anymore? What is wrong with you?” I couldn’t believe what he just said. He never was like that. “Eileen….I just….well, it was just a suggestion. If you don’t want to do it, then fine. But I would love to see you more often. I miss you so much and….I just wish I could spend more time with my girlfriend”.

Before Josh couldn’t say another word I put my arms around his neck and started kissing him. It made me so horny…..he was so cute when he was angry. “Wow….what’s wrong now?” he asked me and chuckled. “Just stop talking…..we’ll find a solution where we could live together in the future. But right now….just stop talking and kiss me” I told him.

Two days later we landed in LAX.

“I can’t believe that my phone died” I said angry. Yesterday when Josh and I had our last dinner together in Berlin my phone just went off. “I’ll buy you a new one” Josh told me. “No….I will do that!” I let him know smiling. “Well, it was just a nice gesture, I guess” he shrugged. “Thank you but….I’m independent, you know” “Yes I know….you told me the other day” Josh rolled his eyes but then started laughing. He took my suitcase and we went to the exit to take a cab back home. Back home I checked my e-mails and suddenly there was a message by Megan.

“EILEEN PLEASE CALL ME IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!”

I wasn’t only shocked by her mail – she never wrote a mail like that – but I was also worried. Did something happen? So I took Josh’s phone and called Megan. “What’s wrong?” I asked her with a worried voice. “Eileen, where are you? I try to call you since yesterday but you never picked up the phone. What’s wrong?” “Um, my phone died yesterday” “Oh. Wow” “But what did happen? Why did you call me?” “Well….sit down please.” She said. “Are you sitting down?” “I am….but why? What do you want to tell me?” “Well....two days ago a business company wrote me an e-mail. They also called me because…..they have an offer for us” “What do you mean? For us?” “For our blog. They want to invest in our blog. They like our idea and they want to make it big” “No way…..what????” I thought she was kidding. “I’m not kidding” Megan could obviously read my mind. “But….what did they say?” “They told me they want to invest in us, make the blog more public and known all over the States. They want to pay us so we can make better advertisement for our blog and we could hire two co workers. A professional graphic designer and a writer” “But….we’re doing it together. I mean, just the two of us. That’s how everything started” I told her. “Yeah, I know…but they have this idea and they want to meet us. And I agreed” “When?” “On Thursday morning” “What the fuck….Megan, you know that I wanted to stay in LA for the rest of the week” “Yeah I know and I’m so sorry. I wanted to talk to you before agreeing but I couldn’t reach you…..so I agreed with them. Please Eileen, you HAVE to come back to New York as soon as possible. We have to prepare the meeting and talk about the idea before talking to the company” “Hm….well, saying I’m surprised would be an understatement” I let her know. “I know you had these plans and wanted to spend the rest of the week with Josh, but….Eileen, this is important for us, you know” “I know….” “So….do you come back to New York?” “I’ll take the next flight tomorrow” I let her know.

“So….you’re going back to New York?” Josh asked me. He obviously heard my call with Megan. “Yes, I have to….” I sighed. “Great” Josh said with a sarcastic voice. “I’m sorry but….there is a business meeting. A company wants to invest in our blog and they want to support us….so Megan arranged a meeting on Thursday” “Wait….didn’t you tell me the other day you don’t want to quit your job just to focus on your blog?” Josh was confused. “I’m not quitting my job. We’re just having a meeting with the company and then we’ll see how our blog can be increased” “Eileen….this is ridiculous” “Why is it ridiculous?” “When a company invests in your blog you HAVE to focus only on your blog. You won’t have time for another job” Josh noted. “Well, we haven’t agreed yet, okay? I just want to know what they want to offer us” “Oh I guess they offer a lot of money and you two will be overwhelmed by this offer and agree….and that’s good. I support this idea. But then you can REALLY quit your job. That’s a fact” “Why are we discussing this topic again? I don’t want to do that right now. I’m tired. I’m jet lagged. All I want to do is sleeping” “Well….you started this topic” Josh said. “No….you started being mad again. And I don’t get it” “Because I was looking forward in spending my week with you here in LA. Now that you’re flying back to New York, I really wonder when we will see each other again.” “I thought you’re coming to New York in two weeks?” “Yes….but then? I’m touring in September until the middle of October….then I’ll be home for one week. Only one fucking week. Then we’ll be touring again until November” “I know and I’m so sorry but….I can’t cancel this meeting” “Probably not….” He said sulky. “Josh, please. I’m sorry, okay? We’ll find the time. Let’s take a week off in November and go on vacation” “I guess I’ll be sick of travelling but….well okay, let’s do this” “Great….” I said. “But it won’t change the whole situation. We don’t see each other often enough.”

________

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#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili peppers fanfiction #fanfiction #dot hacker

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neverisalongtime-ja-blog · 7 years

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Chapter 44: Ungrateful Bitch

I have an important announcement to do today, first of all - and I'm gonna rip it fast like a band aid- the fic is soon to be over. Just 2 more chapters to the end, but, and I feel very ashamed to say, those 2 chapters aren't have been written yet. Truth is I'm hella busy lately and I'm in the middle of moving in to a whole different country, I'll be traveling next week and is going to be crazy. I have hope that I can write another chapter between flights (I have to take 2 of them) and if I achieve my goal I will be posting next week but I can assure that. So I really hope you all have patience with me and await for the last 2 chapters.

I'll be active in Anastasia's Instagram so you can insult me over there.

As usuall I never get tired of telling you all how lovely y'all are and how happy this journey has made me.

Read chapter 43

Even though summer was over, Anastasia woke up in her Beverly Hills house on a really hot morning. She took a cold shower and walked down the stairs to make some French toast. She ate while standing up in her kitchen visualizing her entire place. So many memories in those walls gave her some kind of nostalgia, many things were in boxes already but there was still so much work to be done for the moving. Leaving that house was like leaving a life behind, she moved there when she was 18, she bought that place with her own money, from jobs she had done since she was 15 and now she was leaving it for a much bigger and much more peaceful place, away from the city. “Maybe this is growing up”, she thought.

Her phone rang and she saw Barbara’s face on the screen, she smiled and picked up the call.

- How’s the moving going? – Barbara asked.

- I’m not even half way done – Anastasia answered.

- Man, these weeks are gonna be hell. You won’t even be here – Her sister said.

- I know – An walked to her couch and sat down – We are leaving to New York on Thursday to do Saturday Night Live. Can you believe it?

- How couldn’t it, if you guys are like fucking awesome? – Barbara laughed – Wait, but I thought you’d play Austin City Limits on Saturday.

- No, we’ll play on Sunday.

- And then you’re going to Mexico?

- Mmm… - Anastasia took a minute to answer to her sister’s question – Nobody confirmed Mexico for us so we booked a show on Wednesday at the Continental Austin, it will be a small and fun show at midnight. It’ll be some kind of surprise for fans.

- So The Getaway Tour is over for Dead Curse – Barbara asked another question.

- I guess so. It’s time we focus on this album, I’m so proud of it… I can wait to show it to the world.

- Well, I got to tell you something so it doesn’t come as a surprise for you – Barbara started to talk – Anthony didn’t get your last interview with The Music Issue very well. He thinks that the phrase “Stepping out of the Chili Peppers’ shadow” was kind of ungrateful – Anastasia was shocked, it wasn’t what she meant at all.

- Ungrateful? He said I was ungrateful?

- Yes, and he was angry but I told him that you guys had been the total opposite and couldn’t be grateful enough for all the tour crew for everything the Peppers had done for you.

- Wow! This is like an ice cold shower.

- You know how Tony gets during his ��angry periods”.

- I know how he gets but I don’t fucking care Barbara!

- Actually, I had to stop him last night because I was getting mad too. He practically said that his band put you guys on the map and things like that.

- What?! – Anastasia screamed – Dead Curse was big enough before doing this tour. He can’t just come and say we are what we are thanks to the Peppers. What kind of arrogant shit is that?

- Do you still have dates together?

- The tour has some more dates, even after Austin City Limits but nobody told us if we will be there.

- They booked some other people to open those shows.

- Woah! I don’t really know how to feel. We booked a bunch of shit to start the promotion for the album because we just have one month to do it but all of this, happening like this, that’s some shady shit.

- I know, and believe me, I told him all that and more; we kind of had a big argument.

- I’m shocked. Never expected this. I didn’t say anything bad in that interview.

- I know, honey. You probably won’t see him this weekend because they are leaving for Mexico on Sunday but if you run into him in Austin don’t say anything, don’t make it worse.

- I’ll try – Was the last thing Anastasia said to her sister before hanging the call.

She just stayed there, sitting on her couch looking at the front without focusing her eyesight nowhere, she couldn’t believe this. She knew that Anthony went through phases where he got very annoying, but to take it to this extreme it was a whole new level. Anastasia thought that maybe it was the pressure of the tour; everybody was cranky, it must be that.

OOO

So far Dead Curse was doing great. Anastasia had the feeling this was finally the album that would give them the push they needed to finally achieve a safe place in the music industry. “Live Action” would put Dead Curse on the map, all the maps. And now they were set to perform in the comedy TV show Saturday Night Live, one of the most popular shows in the United States, so this was big. This was huge.

But that Saturday was going to be incredible complicated. Anastasia woke up at five in the morning to go to the studios and wait for a chance for them to do some rehearsal. Then the band had to go get ready and wait for their turn to perform. Their performance was impeccable, after that they ran to the airport to take a flight to Austin, Texas, where they would peform at the Austin City Limits Festival.

- I can’t believe we just did that – Eric told Anastasia with the biggest smile on his face – I can’t believe we just performed on Saturday Night Live.

- Get ready darling. We are going places from now on – Anastasia laughed.

- This is the record - Eric said.

- I know. We are going to be huge! – Anastasia smiled – Can I sleep on your shoulder?

- Since when you sleep on planes?

- Since I woke up at five AM and only had a sad salad and a pizza slice to eat all day.

- Well you don’t have to ask that. I’ll try to sleep too – Eric said while she placed her head over his shoulder trying to find comfort, but it was difficult.

It was very early in the morning when they arrived at their destination. They went straight to their rooms to have some sleep. Mandy woke her up almost three hours later to go to the venue where the festival was being held; on the way there Anastasia got a text message from Richard.

“By the way we are performing at ACL too” – a huge smile appeared on her face.

Truth was she actually didn’t know who was performing; her life was chaos lately so she never had the time to check the line up but that was Richard, giving her surprises every day.

- Didn’t know that Richard was performing today also! – Anastasia said in the van.

- You don’t know where your boyfriend is performing? – Mandy laughed.

- Well, life is hell lately and he loves to surprise me.

- So cheesy – Nick laughed too.

- They are closing the festival so I’m definitely gonna check them out – Eric talked this time.

- Look at you jumping from one big band to another – Nick said.

- Don’t you guys think is weird we weren’t summoned for the Peppers shows in Mexico? – Eric spoke again – I know that we had this show booked for today and they are already there but we would have time to travel there tomorrow.

- But we have the Continental thing on Wednesday – Mandy said.

- Yes, but we booked that after knowing we weren’t going to Mexico. We booked that last week! – Eric said smiling sarcastically.

- Truth is – Anastasia hadn’t said anything about Anthony being angry yet – Anthony is mad because of the interview I gave to The Music Issue. He thinks that we are where we are now thanks to the Chili Peppers.

- That’s serious bullshit! – Mandy said angry – We are where we are now thanks to almost eight years of hard work.

- I know – Anastasia said.

- Wow! Didn’t know that – Eric said.

- Did he tell you that? – Nick asked.

- He went and got it all out with Barb – Anastasia answered. Nobody said one more word until they arrived to the destination.

The first thing Anastasia did at the festival was calling Richard. She really wanted to see him; the relationship was starting so she wanted to be with him at all times. He told her that he was doing some interviews but she could wait for him at his trailer. It was hard to find it but thankfully it was close to Dead Curse’s trailer. Richard opened the door an hour later wearing a Dead Curse tee shirt; it was deep blue with the moon in the center in silver. She smiled at the gesture and jumped to kiss him. That kiss transformed the environment into a very hot situation and they ended having sex right there.

- What just happened? – Richard said smiling putting his clothes back on.

- We just had sex – Anastasia answered doing the same.

- You are crazy, you know that? – Richard hugged her from behind – And I love it – He kissed her neck.

- Stop. I don’t have time for round two – Anastasia turned her body to face him – I have to go and get ready. I missed you.

- I missed you too – He said giving her a small kiss on the lips – I saw you last night. It was awesome – The fact that he saw each of her performances still shocked her.

- Did you like it? – She asked knowing the answer.

- I’m a fan. Didn’t I tell you that before?

- I gotta go – She said at the door – I’ll be watching you tonight.

- I’ll sing for you.

And so he did. Once in a while he turned his body to her on stage to smile and sing to her. Mandy – being the romantic girl she is – was over the moon and Anastasia was in the clouds too.

Richard and his band went to see Dead Curse at the Continental, it was a very small show in a very hot and sweaty place but it felt incredible.

Now it was Thursday and the first member of the Chili Peppers Anastasia saw at the hotel was Chad, he embraced her and carry her in a big, tight hug that made Anastasia laugh. He did the same with Mandy.

- What’s up Chaddy daddy? – Mandy said in a truly Mandy-esque expression.

- Chaddy daddy? – Chad laughed – God, I missed you two so much!

- How was Mexico? – Anastasia asked.

- It was fun! – Chad answered.

- Did you bring me tequila? – Mandy asked.

- No, but I can find some for you – He said – You wanna go and drink now?

- Let’s go to the hotel bar!

- I’ll pass – Anastasia said – Do you know where Anthony is? – She asked Chad.

- In his room, 205 – Chad’s face turned serious. He already knew – Josh is with him.

- Great. I’ll catch you two later.

It was time for her to face Anthony and make everything clear. She walked to the room and knocked, Josh opened the door and he was definitely shocked to see it was her.

- Hi! Are you guys busy? Can I come in? – She asked him and before answer Josh just gave her a very tight hug, that took her by surprise but she hugged him back with a smile.

- Come in! – He said and closed the door behind him.

Anthony was sitting on the bed. Anastasia leaned to kiss him on the cheek and sat down next to him.

- How was Mexico? – She asked. The air was tense.

- It was great! – Josh answered while Anthony was just looking at her – We got to watch a livestream of you guys playing ACL last Sunday, you guys rocked. The new songs sound amazing live, and I watched you on Saturday Night Live too.

In other circumstances she would have love the chit chat with Josh but Anthony was ruining everything with his poker face.

- We’re happy the tour is coming to an end, though – Anthony finally spoke.

- Yeah, I can imagine. We are entering a new one already – She laughed.

- We just have the shows in Denver and Glendale. I imagine you guys won’t be there either – Anthony spoke again. Anastasia looked at Josh but he just looked to the floor.

- Well, we are kind of doing our own thing now – She said trying to understand Anthony’s attitude.

- Yes… that’s the way you pay us back – He said.

- What? – She asked.

- I never thought you guys would leave us at the end – Anthony said upset. Josh remained silent – Especially after everything we’ve done for Dead Curse.

- What have you done? – Anastasia said visibly angry – Yes, you gave us a great opportunity to go around the world but it’s not like we were unknown before. We were pretty big already – Anthony laughed sarcastically.

- Ha! You are such an ungrateful bitch – Anthony said with sarcasm and carefree. Anastasia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Anger took control of her body and she got up from the bed, she saw Josh getting up from his chair too, stood in front of Anthony and slapped him in the face as hard as she could – Anthony had a scared expression on his face and looked at her so shocked.

- We have been nothing but grateful to you and the rest of the team during this whole tour and I even said that on that interview that got you so fucking angry – She felt Josh’s arms around her trying to calm her down – So for you to say such thing to me is so hurtful. You took us on tour, that’s great but you didn’t make Dead Curse, we’ve been working our asses off for all of this for eight years so don’t you dare to take credit for it because you are so wrong.

An managed to release herself from Josh and ran away from the room. Josh followed suit. She stopped mid aisle and turned to face Josh.

- Believe me when I say only Anthony thinks that way – Josh told her – None of us is angry or anything, I think this tour is getting on our nerves.

- That’s no excuse for calling me that way. What the actual fuck? Who does he think he is? – Anastasia said on the verge of tears. Josh hugged her – What hurts the most that Anthony is not some random dude, he is like family to me.

- I know – He caressed her hair, trying to comfort her.

- Hey! Are you ok? - She heard another voice behind her, it was Richard. She pushed Josh instinctively.

- I just had a huge fight with Anthony – She said to him. Richard didn’t take his eyes off of Josh and Josh just looked at him as if challenging Richard.

- Come on, let’s go have something to eat and we’ll talk about it – Richard held Anastasia by her waist and took her away from Josh but she turned around to him one last time.

- Thank you Josh – She said – I know how Anthony can be sometimes. I’ll talk to you later – And she left with Richard unaware of the tense moment that just took place in that hotel aisle.

Anastasia didn’t go see the Chilies play their Saturday show. On Sunday they were already in Denver, so she didn’t see Josh anymore but thankfully Richard made her forget about the drama for a bit and gave her an incredible weekend in Austin. Both bands and some of the Sex Poets’ tour crew members went bar hopping around Austin and she had so much fun. Nick and Eric got along so well with Richard and his friends and that was a relief for her. Mandy was just as angry at Anthony just like An so everybody decided not to attend the Peppers set that Saturday.

#josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #josh klinghoffer fanfic #josh klinghoffer fan fic #josh klinghoffer fan fiction #red hot chili peppers #rhcp #fanfic #fan fic #fanfiction #fan fiction #never is a long time #joshklighoffer

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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64. Love Of Your Life

Hey,

so FINALLY I had time for finishing the next chapter. I’m so sorry that I let you wait for so long but these past weeks were so busy for me. I had a lot to do for university and I wasn’t in the mood for writing. But this weekend I had some days off and had time to write.

It may sound a bit like a finale chapter - especially the end of this chapter - but it is not. There are still a few chapters planned. I have some ideas left that I want to write down.

And guess what? #JoshEileen has now turned one! Originally it already happend back in November and I have forgotten to mention it. But yes, it’s one year ago that I had the idea of writing this story and created the first scenes in my mind. Thank you to @bemygetawayjz for inspiring me to write this story! I love #JoshZara so much!

And thank you to everyone who reads this story! It means a lot to me! Thank you so much and now have fun reading the next chapter!!!!

____________________

February

I was a little bit too late when I attended the club where Josh was about to play tonight. When I entered it they’ve already started. I got me a drink and stayed at the bar from where I watched the concert. It was a great atmosphere. A very small club, it was very hot inside and the people were enjoying the music Josh was playing with Eric Avery. They two were friends for years and I knew that he wanted to collaborate with him more often. Now they did. After the gig I stayed at the bar and watched the people. It didn’t take long until Josh spotted and approached me. “Hey I’m glad you came” he smiled at me and we hugged again. Well, that still felt weird. “Sure!” I smiled back. “It was a great concert. You and Eric have such chemistry on stage” I told him. “Really? Thanks!” Josh grinned. “Do you want another drink?” he asked me. I nodded and Josh ordered two more drinks for us. Of course he didn’t have to pay them because the bartender knew him. We talked for a while until his mate Eric joined us. He was such a nice guy. To be honest, I never really listened to Jane’s Addiction but I truly liked him. I knew that Josh and he were very close in the last years. “So do you help me to put our stuff into the trunk?” Eric suddenly asked. Josh nodded. “I’ll be back in a few minutes” Josh let me know and left to put his stuff away from the stage. I was watching him the whole time and suddenly he looked at me and we both started laughing. It felt so strange because I never had the opportunity to do that when we were dating because most of the time there were people who did it for him when he was playing with the Chili Peppers. I only remember doing it when Sebastian was playing a gig in a small club and I was watching him while he was putting his stuff away. We both laughed the whole time, every time. Just like Josh and I did now.

A few minutes later he came back to me.

“Sorry that I let you alone” “It’s totally okay” I said. “I’m a big girl. I can entertain myself” “Oh really?” he raised an eyebrow. “Oh yes I can” I laughed. We both laughed. “So….this interview” I started saying. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t let you know. I couldn’t. It felt so weird. I mean….it’s not like we’re total strangers, you know and….” ”It’s okay” he grinned. “I already told you that it was totally okay for me. I liked the interview. I think you did a great job. It didn’t really feel like an interview at all….” ”Thanks” I said a bit shy. Suddenly a woman came towards us. She had brunette hair and if I wouldn’t have known it any better I would have said that it was Megan Fox. “Josh” the lady said his name. He turned around. “Oh um, hey” I think he couldn’t remember her name. “How are you? It’s so nice to see you again. We didn’t see each other in a long time” the lady said and only looked at him. She didn’t deign to look at me at all. “Well, I’m fine” Josh said. And that’s all. He didn’t say anything else, he didn’t even ask her how she was doing. “Great” she smiled. “Your concert was great! I love your music!” “Well, it wasn’t actually my own music. We mostly played covers and we played songs Eric wrote” “Whatever” she giggled. “So um….what do you think?” she started her question and looked at him teasingly. “Should we repeat what we had last summer?” She asked him. “Um” Josh’s reaction was quite confused. “I don’t know….I….I don’t think that” he stuttered but she interrupted him. “You can call me anytime. I will do anything you want” she was whispering in his ear. But she didn’t take good pains to talk silent. I could hear everything she was whispering and I think she wanted me to hear it. She even looked at me before she left. “Well Maya” Josh answered. Wow, he obviously remembered her name. “I think I” Josh tried to explain. He seemed very embarrassed. “Just call me” she said, turned around and left. But not without looking back at him for the last time, giggling. Josh seemed confused. I was confused, too. But not because of this girl who just approached him and asked him for a booty call. I was confused because of his weird reaction. He didn’t even tell her that he doesn’t want it. Maybe because it wasn’t the truth? Maybe because he wanted her but didn’t want to speak it out in front of me? Anyway. When Josh didn’t say a word in the next few minutes and we both just stood there, drinking our beer, I decided to leave. He obviously didn’t want to talk to me. So why should I stay? “Um, I think I have to go now. I’m very tired and….well, you know it was a tough week” I let him know. “Thanks for the beer” I said and left. It lasted a few more seconds until Josh called my name. “Eileen, please stay” I turned around and stayed calm. “Josh, if you want to have fun with girls, it’s okay. I don’t want to be in your way. You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to apologize. We’re not dating” I laughed and then left.

I don’t know if he kept looking at me or not. And I didn’t want to know.

When I came home I brushed my teeth, showered and fell in my bed. At least Vilma was by my side. Hello single life, hello Netflix-binge-watching-weekend. But when I woke up the next morning I saw a text message on my phone. It was from Josh.

“Hey Eileen,

Sorry for this weird behaviour yesterday. I don’t want to meet this girl again. I want to meet you again. What about dinner tonight? I pick you up at 7pm.

Love, Josh”

Okay. Well. That was a very overwhelming message for a Saturday morning! Before answering him I did a walk with Vilma to get a free mind.

But I had to face it: It was cute. Although I was a bit pissed at him for behaving weird yesterday. Maybe this woman surprised him as well and he didn’t invite her. So I texted him back.

“Hey Josh,

sounds great. I will come downstairs at 7pm ;)”

I didn’t want him to come upstairs to see my messy apartment. Because I had to do some grocery shopping and prepare myself for the date I didn’t have much time for tidying up my room.

Well….stop….was it even a date? Maybe it was only a “Okay-I-should-tell-her-that-I’m-sorry-for-my-weird-behavior-and-ask-her-for-a-mandatory-dinner-night”. Whatever.

I showered again, put some make-up on, changed my outfit three times in a row and drank a glass of wine to calm myself down until it was 7pm and I went downstairs. Of course Josh was already there. “I just wanted to knock” he grinned when he saw me. “Well, I’m German. I’m always on time” I said and we hugged. Did I already tell you that it was still weird to just hug him? “Where do we go now?” I wanted to know. “We’re having dinner in Manhattan” Josh told me. “Oh really? I have to leave Brooklyn?” “Sorry girl but….you won’t get the perfect steak if you’re not going to Manhattan” he joked. “What? I bet there are a few good restaurants in Brooklyn where you can get a perfect steak too!” “Hm….maybe but not the best!” he grinned. “And how do we get to Manhattan?” I wondered. I didn’t want to take the subway but I guess there wasn’t any other way, right? “I called a driver” Josh smiled and pointed at a black car. Wow. He even called a black cab and not a yellow cab. “You treat yourself very well” I grinned when we got into the car. “Not only me!” he chuckled.

Josh took me out to a very fancy restaurant in Manhattan. It was very expensive and I felt so bad when ordering my favorite kind of steak there. But Josh gave me the feeling that it was totally okay. I mean, I would have paid for it but….well, you know….he didn’t want me to do it.

We had a great night at the restaurant. We talked about the last months, about Christmas, about the concerts, about the weird interview situation, about music and about everything else we couldn’t talk about in the last months since our encounter in December. But the only thing we didn’t talk about was New Years Eve. I didn’t have the guts to ask him why he behaved like that. I didn’t want to ask him why he left so early and I think he didn’t want to ask me why I had a very good talk with Molly’s brother. To be honest….it wasn’t a good talk. I only tried to make Josh jealous. Well, I think I succeeded but he left. Not a very good plan to repeat.

It was almost midnight when we left the restaurant. Josh wanted to do a little walk through the Central Park so we did. It was very romantic. Somehow he put his arm around me and stopped. Then he looked at me and we kissed. Wow. That happened very quickly. I think we didn’t need more words to have such a stupid small talk whose only reason was to lead into kissing again. So we just stayed there, kissing, in the Central Park in the middle of the night. I think it couldn’t be more romantic.

After a while of kissing and cuddling Josh looked at me.

“Um, I know it sounds very stupid and lame but….should we go to my apartment?” I could see a bit of fear in his eyes. What if she says “no”? But I said yes. “You know, it’s just that….it’s so cold outside and…:” ”I know, I get it” I laughed. So we walked to his apartment which was within a walking distance of the Central Park. I didn’t even ask why he asked me and he didn’t said anything more until we arrived at his apartment.

I was very excited because I’ve never been to his apartment before. How would it look like? Would it be this luxury modern loft apartment I’ve seen in so many series about New York Upper East Siders? The building looked like it. A porter greeted us at the entrance. It felt like being in a hotel but it wasn’t.

“How much did you pay for such a fancy location in the middle of Manhattan?” I asked Josh when we went into the elevator. “Well, I bet you don’t want to know it” he grinned. “Why did you buy something like that? I mean….you’re not like any other Hollywood celebrity who buys such an expensive apartment?” I was wondering. “Just wait until you’re in it, okay?” he looked at me. I nodded. We were still in the elevator and I could feel the tension between us. It was quite hot. I think we both knew what would happen next.

We arrived upstairs in the 7th floor and Josh opened the door to his apartment. “Okay I take everything back I already said” I let him know. “See” he grinned. It was SO beautiful! It didn’t look like any of these luxury apartments. Instead it was very cozy with many vintage furnishes and a very small but beautiful kitchen. I wondered how often he has cooked here. But before I could think about it much longer Josh took my hand, turned me around and kissed me again. He pulled me closer and we went to his bedroom. As we got there our kisses got more passionate and quite sexy. “I’m so sorry for all these stupid things I’ve done in the past” he whispered in my ear whilst opening my blouse. “I was such a stupid coward. I needed some time to realise that the only woman I want is you” Okay. While he was saying all these nice and sweet things into my ear I forgot about everything for a second. I just remembered the night we had in December and let it happen.

It was sensitive, emotional, passionate and romantic. I could really enjoy this night and I surprised myself for being so open. It was like he made me much more confident that I was before. It felt good.

We fell asleep sometime in the morning. I don’t know why but somehow I dreamed about meeting my ex Sebastian again. Well, that was a weird dream. Especially when you’re waking up to another guy. But Josh wasn’t only “another guy”. He was this special guy. The guy who was on my mind for years now. I had this Yeah Yeah Yeahs song in mind where they sing “They don’t love you like I love you” and I guess that’s exactly what I was feeling when I woke up in the morning. Josh was still asleep and I watched him sleeping. It felt so good. I felt so good. Everything about this night felt so good. How could it even be possible to have such a great night? I didn’t know.

When Josh woke up I was already awake for two hours but I pretended to sleep. “Hey Eileen” he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek. “Are you awake?” I murmured and lolled and then looked into his eyes and started giggling. “What?” he asked me laughing. “You were already awake, weren’t you?” “Um….no” “Whatever” Josh laughed and kissed me again. “I’m getting up to have a shower. Do you want to have some breakfast? I know this great café in my neighbourhood where they have the best bagels in the world!” he told me and got up from the bed. I watched him walking to the bathroom naked. What a great view it was! “I like your bootylicious but” I laughed. “What?” Josh came back from the bathroom, still naked. “Okay I also like this view” He rolled his eyes and went back into the bathroom to shower.

While Josh was busy showering I took my phone and texted Megan. She HAD to know what happened last night. I already brought Vilma to her apartment before the date because I had this vision that I wouldn’t come back home that night. And I was right. So while I was typing on my phone I heard a phone ringing. It was Josh’s phone. I let it ring and didn’t pay much attention. But when it rang for the second time within a few minutes I wondered who it was. I looked at the screen but there wasn’t a name or a number. “Josh?” I screamed. Nothing happened. I went to the bathroom door and told him that his phone was ringing. “Oh please, can you take the call? I bet it’s Eric. He wanted to send me some demos” “But it’s an unknown number?” ”Yes, I know….sometimes he calls with an unknown number” Okay. So I did and took the call.

“Hello?” First there was nothing but then a female voice started talking. “Josh? Are you there? It’s me Maya. I just wanted to ask you if we can continue what we started last night in the bar? I mean….I have the day and the night off and you told me you’re still in New York, soo….what about now?”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Was she serious? Did she just booty called him? And what the hell was she talking about? Last night? So it was….yesterday? Did he hook up with her right after I left the bar?

Just at that time Josh left the bathroom.

“Who was it?” he asked me. He only wore boxers and a shirt. “Um, it was the lady from last night and she asks you if you want to continue what you two obviously started yesterday at the bar. Which means that it was obviously right after I left the bar” I told him with a totally calm voice. On the outside I might have been calm but on the inside I was freaking out. Josh looked at me. His jaw dropped. “Josh….I know it’s none of my business but don’t you think that it is a little bit strange that the lady who approached you last night while I was still standing next to you just booty called you to ask you if you want to continue your “thing” you started last night? I mean….what the hell?” Now I raised my voice. Josh was just looking at me. Still shocked. “I don’t know what you did with her and to be honest, I don’t want to know” I said while picking up my clothes from the floor. “But I really thought you have changed. I heard so many stories about you and the girls you hooked up with but then we spent this night together in December and I totally thought you changed. But I was wrong. You’re still this typical rockstar cliché you became after we broke up” “Eileen, please let me explain….” he now spoke to me. “No Josh….you don’t have to explain anything to me. You’re not my boyfriend. We’re not even dating. Last night was just a date and it was nice and I thank you for the dinner we had but….that’s it. The sex was great but when I think about the fact that you probably slept with this girl not even 24 hours earlier, I want to puke. Seriously. This is disgusting. Maybe I’m too old for this shit but….hell no!”

I told him and went to the door. On my way there he took my arm and stopped me. “Eileen, please, let me explain that. I didn’t take her home, I just had some drinks and….” ”I don’t really care anymore Josh. You’re single. It’s okay. But I don’t want to be one of all these girls you’re sleeping with. I thought that Helen made you change your behavior and attitude but I guess I was wrong. You can sleep with as many girls as you want but….please, don’t make me be one of them” I told him and then left.

Down at the streets I started crying. It was like just now all the emotions I was feeling were coming back. I really enjoyed our night. It was wonderful. But it ended like a big shock. I didn’t want to react jealous in any way because I didn’t have a right to be jealous. It was just a date, just a night. We just had sex. That’s it. While it was something he obviously does very often, it was something special for me. The porter asked me if everything was okay when I passed him. I just nodded and tried to smile at him. At least one of the guys in New York cared about how I was feeling.

“I can’t believe he’s such an asshole” Megan was complaining about Dereck. She had a big fight with him over the weekend so now we were sitting at our lunch break, discussion their problems. But to be honest, my mind was totally absent. I really concentrated on her story but there were always times when I drifted off and started thinking about Josh and his stupid behaviour. Megan knew about the night I spent with Josh and she couldn’t understand it either but her problem with Dereck was much more trouble. “Maybe he’s not ready for a relationship” I suggested. “He’s 39!” “Yes, guess what, I even know guys who are 41 and aren’t ready. Men have time, they don’t have to settle down at a certain age” “Wow, just because they can reproduce themselves their whole life it doesn’t mean they have the right to act like a stupid boy” she complained. “But they think they have the right to act like a stupid little brat” I told her. “Hm….maybe you were right….maybe Dereck is just a poser, just a business man who wants to have some fun while he’s in New York” “Well….I wish I would have been wrong but….maybe he’s like that” I looked at Megan. She looked sad but also very angry. I wouldn’t want to mess with her, seriously! “I will definitely not call him….he should call me. If he doesn’t do it, I will still be mad” “Good decision” I supported her. “So….let’s talk about Josh and his stupid behaviour. Who the fuck does he think he is that he hooks up with a girl the same night he invited you to his gig. Just because you didn’t want to go further? ‘Oh there is another girl, let’s see if I can nail her’. How childish is that?” “Well, who says that I didn’t want to go further? I just wanted to talk to him, spend a little more time with him….I mean, we did go further one day later” “But how disgusting is it to have sex with your ex in the same bed you had sex with another person one night before?” “He told me they didn’t have sex but….I don’t know” I sighed. “I don’t know if I can believe him, if I can trust him. I mean, it is stupid to think about it so much and to wonder why he behaves like that. Maybe I should face the truth: he is like that. Whatever happened to him over the last years on tour - he’s like that. He needed these girls” “Maybe he didn’t really needed them….he just wanted them” “Whatever….it’s the same. He hooked up with so many and even if I shouldn’t complain about it, I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I have no right to judge him because we’re not dating or so but….still….it’s urghh” “Well technically you two had your first date in years yesterday. Plus, you were his girlfriend, so you know him” “I do but….I have no right to judge his decisions and his past” “But if you two are really going to date again then you should definitely have a talk about the past” “If we’re ever going to date again!” “If I would be you, I would either have a discussion with him to figure it out or I would try to forget him forever”

Wow. Now Megan remembered me of my friend Lara who never really supported Josh in the last years when I was talking about him. Since I dated Sebastian Lara was completely supporting Sebastian and my relationship. Even if I was complaining about him because of some struggles we had, she was still pro Sebastian. On the other hand was her boyfriend Felix, he supported ME when I told him about my problems with Sebastian and didn’t only supported his best friend.

On my way back home I thought about Lara and our friendship. It’s been two months since I last saw and spoke to her. We didn’t have any contact since our fight here in New York. I didn’t call or text her and she didn’t do it either. I guess we were both mad at each other. No one had the guts to make the first move.

I was scrolling through Instagram this evening. Of course Lara and I were still following each other so I could see what her life was like right now. She was obviously still very happy with Felix and judging by her photos she was already planning their wedding. I didn’t know when the two would get married. Maybe this year, maybe in summer. But who knows. I didn’t get an invitation yet. Maybe she didn’t want me to come to her wedding?

After checking out Lara’s profile I clicked on Sebastian’s account. We were still following each other either. I know it doesn’t have to mean anything because it’s only social media but wasn’t it weird though? He was obviously happy, too. Looked like he was on a surfing vacation in Portugal with his brother and a few mates. He celebrated New Years Eve with the “gang” in Berlin and they were obviously writing new songs for a new album coming this year. But suddenly I shocked. There was a woman appearing in his photos on Instagram. Just a few photos but still. She was blonde and looked very nice. In one of the pics she was standing right next to him at a party. So I guess….he was dating someone new? Maybe? Whatever. Maybe she was only his friend. Why did I even care? I think I only cared about Sebastians potential new girlfriend because I didn’t have any date and the situation with Josh was still confusing me.

“Oh well Vilma” I started talking to my dog. “Did I already warn you about hooking up with your ex? I guess I did. But I do it again now. Don’t hook up with your ex. It only leads into full depression and frustration.” I said and cuddled her. At least Vilma looked as if she could understand me.

It was Friday and Megan and I were at our favorite restaurant for lunch. My night with Josh was almost one week ago and I really tried to forget it. I realized that it wouldn’t make any sense for me to care about him and the thing we had. We tried it two times and failed in having a serious relationship. Although I knew that I still had feelings for him and I couldn’t forget him very easily and probably would still love him in a few years I truly tried to stop. I had to move on. I had to date new guys. I had to do it. Otherwise I would still be stuck in this bubble where Josh and I would be a perfect couple. But that won’t happen. I knew it. While I was still wondering how we two could get on, how we could figure it out, he was probably messing around and hooking up with other women in the last days.

“I have to forget him. That’s a fact. I have to” I told Megan this day during our lunch break. “Otherwise I will go crazy” “You do it, girl. You and I, we will both find the right guy for us. A guy who treats us with respect, who is not selfish or childish, who does know what he wants and who doesn’t cheat on us!” “And who isn’t a musician” I added. “Of course not! Who the hell wants to date a musician? He has barely time and his ego is too big because of all these stupid girls who are falling for him just because he can sing or play the guitar or whatever” Megan said. I laughed. She really cheered me up this day although I was still feeling very sad. “Eileen, honestly, no matter if we’re 35 or 40. We’re fabulous! We’re a good catch and if the guys out there don’t recognize it, then it’s their bad luck, don’t you think?” “Yes….but somehow….I mean, I’m 35 years old. I always thought that I would have settled down at this age but it seems as if I’m far, far away from settling down at the moment” “Don’t think about that! Stop thinking about how other people want us to live our life!” she told me in a serious voice. “We have our blog, we’re writing texts for young independent women because we’re both young and independent.”

She was right. In the past six weeks since our blog was launched at the beginning of the new year we got many new readers. Thanks to Megan and her great network of contacts in the blogging sphere we were even mentioned on another blog about New York. I think we did a good job here and we will keep doing it – plus, we had a lot of fun while doing it!

“But sometimes I wonder if I ever will have kids, you know….the first time my gynaecologist asked me if I want to have kids, I was 27. Now, eight years later, she’s still asking this question. Every time I see her. And every time I have to say “Um, well not right now. Maybe in two years”. I don’t have to mention that she always looks a bit weird when I say these words. I mean, I’m getting older and….” ”But Eileen” Megan interrupted me. “Don’t let society or any doctor who can make money with you giving birth to a child ruin your life! It’s the 21st century. We can have fun now, we can live now….everything’s great!” “I know but….humh” “We’ll find the right guy” “But what if I already found him?” “You mean Josh?” she raised an eyebrow. “Well, I don’t know. All I know is that he was always the one I came back to. Especially in weak moments like the last year” “Sweetie, maybe you think he is the one because you two tried it two times. But where are you now? You failed. Twice. So maybe you should move on…..unless you have still feelings for him. Then you should….well I don’t know. Maybe call him?” “I won’t ever call him again!” I objected. “He was the one who was booty called by this girl because she wanted to see him again after their “night”. Whatever she meant” “Maybe she lied. Maybe she wanted to make you jealous. But maybe she said the truth and was speaking of the night she shared with him after his gig where you left” “I don’t know….and I think I don’t want to know anymore. It makes me sick to think about it all the time….I mean, ALL THE TIME. My head hurts” “Eileen, like I said, stop thinking about him. Stop caring about him – unless you still WANT to care, then you should….well, I don’t know….maybe try to have a final discussion with him.” “But where should it leads? A final discussion? I mean….we tried it twice, like you said. But we couldn’t make it. We ended our relationship. That’s it” “You ended it….” ”I know but….I guess Josh understood my reasons” “Well maybe he didn’t. Maybe he always loved you, he never stopped loving you and tried to forget you with hooking up with all these young girls” “I don’t know” I sighed. “I think it’s disgusting though….I mean, he’s not a guy in his twenties anymore” “Oh so he’s not allowed to have fun?” “No but….well, maybe I was just too jealous. Whatever” I sighed again. This wouldn’t lead into any solution.

“Whatever, I try to be a single again. A happy single woman in New York. I mean, what else do I want? I’m in paradise city for being a single, don’t you think?” “Hm….maybe” “I will date again, I will find a guy but until then, I’m just living my life and having fun” Megan smiled. Wow, Megan was inspiring. But I guess I could never behave like that. I could never be like her, behave like her, act like her. She was a way more extroverted than me.

While we were still sitting there, having a lunch bowle, my phone rang.

“Wanna bet that this is Josh?” Megan laughed. “Speaking of the devil!” “Why should he text me?” I answered with a laugh while putting my phone out of my pocket. She was right.

It was Josh.

“Eileen….

I need to see you. It’s important. It’s the last time I write you this stupid nonsense. But….I really have to see you again. Please come to the Brooklyn Bridge. You know which spot I mean. Our spot. You know it. I’ll be there at 9pm.

Love, J….”

I showed Megan the message. We were both confused. What did he mean? He needed to see me? It was important? But when it is important, why did he want to see me tonight and not earlier? Was it something serious? Did something happen to him? Did he want to tell me that he will move away? Out of the country to a better place of the earth? Maybe Iceland? Who knows! This message could mean everything!

“Or maybe it’s only his last try to show you that he loves you. That he’s still serious about you although he fucked it up so many times. I mean, he’s a guy. Guys make mistakes. Women make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we need time to realize what is really important for ourselves and for our lives. Maybe Josh figured it out.” Megan thought. “But why does he need one week to send me this message? If I would mean so much to him, he would have written me last week after I left” “Maybe he was too afraid. Maybe he was numb. He didn’t know what to do or say. You left after you two had a great night, a great date. I bet it was hard for him” “Megan!” my voice got louder. “One of his bimbos called him to ask him out and he didn’t know how to react!” “Yes Eileen….but did you ever think about the fact that this girl just wanted his attention? Maybe he rejected her the day earlier. Maybe he really only had a drink with her after you left the club. Because he didn’t want to hook up with her again, he wanted to spend the night with you again. But then you left….maybe he told you the truth. Maybe not. You won’t find out before seeing him again and talking to him.” “So now you’re defending him? You were the one who told me to forget him just a few minutes ago!” I was mad now. “I know” Megan sighed. “But Eileen, now he sent you this message and I think it’s cute and I bet it wasn’t easy for him writing you these words. I bet he’s serious. There is something he wants to discuss with you and if you want to know what it is, you should go and find out” “Maybe he only wants to discuss with me that I should do a test of StDs because he had fun with too many girls and there could be something….” ”Eileen!” Megan now seemed mad. “Stop talking trash. If so, he wouldn’t have told you to meet him at the Brooklyn Bridge, don’t you think? He tells you to meet him at a special place and I bet this place means something to him and maybe to you as well” Of course it did. I knew exactly what he meant. This was the place we discovered for ourselves a few years ago when we did a trip to New York. Maybe that’s the reason why I reacted to weird: I knew he wanted to talk to me. I knew he was serious about something and he wanted to discuss it. But I was afraid that he only wanted to tell me that he has thought about us and the night and it’s over. I mean…..what should be over? We were not even dating. But I was afraid he could tell me that he was sorry about the phone call by the girl but he chose her or anyone else except of me. Maybe he only wanted to be honest with me after last weeks night. Who knows?

“Eileen, seriously. Being a drama queen now doesn’t help you. I tell you to do it. Go to the spot and see what’s happening. If you’re really still into him, if you could never forget him, then you should go there and talk to him. You’ll see what happens. Maybe you discuss everything and you try it again – a third time. Or you discuss everything but realize that there won’t be a future for you two. But no matter what will be the result of this meeting, I can tell you, you will be free after all. No matter if you’re trying it again or if you’re finally ruling off. “Hm, maybe you’re right. Maybe I should face my fear and go there” “You should definitely.” She said smiling. “And always keep in mind: this is New Fucking York. Everything is possible!”

So I was on my way to the Brooklyn Bridge. Honestly I didn’t want to go. But Megan convinced me to go because I would probably regretting it not to go. But I was still wondering what Josh was up to. I mean, was it his 492939th excuse why he behaved like an idiot? I thought about all the other excuses before. I was so sick of excuses. Although I was probably still a bit into him and maybe could never really forget him, I was wondering where it would lead us. I mean, I was 35, he was 41. We were both old enough to get our shit together but we didn’t. We failed two times before. And when I think about the two nights we shared together in the last months and what followed this nights – nothing – I was really wondering why I was on my way to this location he texted me. Plus, I didn’t want him to think that I would always forgive him just because he always tried to apologize. I mean, I didn’t want him to think I would forgive him just because he wanted to meet me at a romantic place.

I mean, why didn’t he answered my call after our blizzard weekend? Why did he leave the New Years Eve Party so early? Everytime I hoped for a talk, he left. Was he afraid or didn’t he want to have a talk with me? These were the questions that were on my mind and the closer I got to the location the more angrier I was.

I saw Josh standing there, his hands in his pockets. He seemed nervous. I sighed. Okay Eileen, you have to do this now. You can’t leave now. He asked you to come and you came and walked all the way over the Brooklyn Bridge to this place where he wanted to meet you It’s okay. You will listen to his words and then decide. Maybe it will change your life, maybe not. That’s totally okay. You became friends with being single. You have Vilma. You have Megan and your blog. Everything’s fine. You’re living in one of the best cities of the world, so you will be happy again. You will meet someone who can make you happy.

“Hey” Josh smiled at me. “Hey” I said. Maybe I didn’t smile that much. He seemed confused. “Thanks for coming. How are you?” he asked me. “Josh….” I sighed. “Just tell me what you want to tell me…I mean, what are we doing here? Meeting at this cold place….I don’t get it” I was surprised by my rough reaction but…..it was how I was thinking about this stupid idea to meet here in the cold. “Eileen…I wanted to see you again and I chose this place because it’s special to me” “It’s specifically cold here” I said sarcastic. “It is….” Josh sighed. “Sorry for that” he chuckled. I looked at him full of surprise. What did he want to tell me? “So….um, you might have wondered why I wanted to meet you here….honestly, I want to apologize” “Wow….the 1000th time…..” “I know” he said and looked at me. “I know that I apologized quite often because of my shitty behavior and I know that I hurt you in the past….” “Well….if you want to call it that way. Okay. I mean, I just wondered why you didn’t answer my calls after our blizzard weekend?” “Um, well….” He sighed. “I lost my phone” “Seriously? You lost your phone? And you have no friends who could know my number?” “Eileen, I know it was stupid but I was afraid” “Afraid of what?” “Afraid of being rejected by you. I didn’t know if you want me to call you after the night we shared together” I couldn’t believe it. Why did he think I spent a whole weekend with him? Just because I was bored? Just because I didn’t want to be alone? Of course I didn’t want to be alone but….I liked spending these days with him. Why was he afraid I didn’t want it? “Josh….why being afraid? I mean….you know me. I don’t hook up with every random guy” “I know but….I’m just stupid I guess….” ”And what about New Years Eve? Why didn’t you want to talk to me?” “You were busy talking to Molly’s brother” Josh said and looked at me. “Did it make you jealous?” I asked him. He shook his head. “No, I’m just….it’s just….I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling well and so I wanted to leave” “Well….I really thought we could have a talk there” “But we spent this night together last week. And it was wonderful” Josh suddenly changed the topic and smiled at me. But sadly I couldn’t share his joy.

“Of course it was….until your bimbo called you and asked you out.” “I’m sorry for that….” He said. “Josh….you don’t have to be sorry. I mean, we’re not dating. I don’t have the right to judge you and your behavior. But I just wonder where the real Josh is. The Josh I got to know seven years ago. The Josh who was so humble and nice and lovely….where is he? Now I have the feeling that you’re lost. In a way….you had all these girls and honestly….I don’t know what to think about it. I know I have nor reason to be mad or so but….I don’t know if I can handle it.” “What do you mean?” “To act as if nothing had happened….To be honest, I don’t know how to face the fact that you had a lot of girls in the past years. It just doesn’t fit your attitude” ”But it’s my life. You can’t judge me for that” he objected. ”I know I can’t. I have no right. But....I still can’t believe it” “It’s in the past” Josh assured me. “I know but….it’s a part of you now….” “Eileen, I’m sorry for that….I’m sorry for all these girls I hooked up with. It never meant anything for me. Sometimes I didn’t even know the names of these girls. I felt so terrible and miserable” “Why did you do it then?” “I think I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t be on my own with my thoughts and feelings. I already told you….I was fucked up. I transformed in this typical musician who only wants to have superficial encounters. Never being serious. Only being superficial and noncommittal.” “You know....this isn’t you” “I know it’s not me. But here I am. Right in front of you. Now it is me. Believe me” Josh looked at me. But I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what to answer. I didn’t know what he wanted to hear. Should I forgive him again for behaving like shit last week? I mean, it was his bimbo who called him while I was still lying naked in his bed. How disgusting is that?

“What do you want me to say?” I asked him. “I don’t know….But, I do know that I love you. I always did. I was just too silly to realize it. Too silly to see it. I guess I needed time….” ”How much time? I’m 35, you’re 41. We’re definitely grown ups now” I told him. “We are….” ”What about Helen?” “What do you mean?” “Did you love her?” “I did….for a while. But when I saw you in New York….I just forgot about Helen. Although your boyfriend was there and although it hurt me so bad, I couldn’t stop thinking of you….shit Eileen, I already told you all these words back in December on the blizzard weekend” Josh’s voice got louder now. “What do you want to hear from me?” “Nothing….I just don’t know if I can do it. You text me and ask me to meet you here. In the cold. Now you tell me you love me. But how should I know you’re honest? How should I trust you?” “Because I’m totally honest with you. I always was” he assured me. “Josh….we already tried it twice and we failed. I don’t know if I have the guts to try it a third time. And I’m too old for this shit….Do you remember when you told me that you’re too old for just having fun? It was seven years ago….only a few months after we met for the first time. You told me you’re too old for just hooking up. You were 34. Now I’m 35 and know exactly what you mean. I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know what you think about it and why your behaviour and attitude changed over the years but…I do know that I’m too old to be only one of these girls you’re hooking up with” “Eileen….how can you say this? This hurts me so bad. You’re not just any girl I hooked up with” he told me.

But I didn’t know what to say or do. So I turned around and left. Honesty, I imagined this conversation to be different. I don’t even know what I expected but….I felt so bad right now. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was afraid we could mess it up a third time. I was afraid I would realize it too late that Josh and I could never be happy. What if he wasn’t the guy with whom I wanted to have kids with? What if I would be single again in two years? I didn’t want that. I was grown up now and I wanted something serious. I wanted to have kids and a family and….maybe marrying some day? I didn’t know but I thought about it a lot these days. So what if Josh and I would fail again?

But….what if we didn’t? What if he was the right guy but I didn’t realize it now? What if walking away was the biggest mistake ever?

While I was still thinking about all these things he stopped me from walking away.

“Eileen” he said. “It is you. It was always only you. You’re the one. You’re not just any girl I met….you’re THE girl. Maybe we fail again but who knows? Maybe it’s like in this U2 song “With or Without You”. Maybe I can’t live with or without you. But I still prefer living with you than being without you forever. So please, stop walking away from me. Just stop and….I don’t know. Just stop, please” his voice didn’t sound so confident anymore. He almost felt like craving. I guess he was afraid too. Afraid that now this was finally the moment that I would walk away from him. But something stopped me from doing it. I turned around and looked at him. You can tell he looked relieved when he saw my face again. “Oh thanks you stopped” he said and went towards me. “What should we do now? I mean….how fucked up is this situation?” I asked him. “Stop. Just stop saying anything, okay?” he said and kissed me. Of course I wanted this kiss. Honestly, I think my body was waiting for it. Maybe it was just my mind that wasn’t ready yet. “I love you” he whispered to my ear. I just smiled but I couldn’t be relaxed. There was still something on my mind. Josh noticed it and asked me. “What’s on your mind? Let’s talk about it….please” he let me knew. “Are you sure we should try it again? A third time? And tell me how we should do it….I’m living in New York, you’re living in LA….it’s not a good starting situation, don’t you think?” “We will make it” Josh assured me and put his arms around me. I let it all happen because I wanted it. Yes, I fucking wanted it. I wanted to be close to him. “And as you might know, I just bought an apartment here in Manhattan. So I will be here as often as possible” he smiled at me. “I know” I chuckled. “You know, I’m just a little bit unsure but….we’ll do it” I looked at him. “We will” he assured me. “Look, I love you like I’ve never loved anyone else before. And even the fact that these feelings never really went away even during the time we didn’t see each other in the last four years shows me that it is real. It’s true love, it does exist. I never believed in it until I met you and….” “I love you too” I whispered and kissed his cheek. Then I laid my head on his chest. Maybe it was the right decision. Maybe not. Who knows? No one knows what the future will be like. But right now I knew that I felt happy and safe standing so close to Josh, his arms around me, his breath in my neck. Right now it was just me and him. And New York.

Maybe he was right. Maybe we can’t live with or without each other. But the least we could do is try, right?

Back home in my apartment Vilma was welcoming Josh and he was cuddling with her while I was making tea and we finally cooked together. Maybe it was stupid and strange but out of a sudden we acted like a normal couple again. As if there wouldn’t have been more than four years gone by. We continued where we left off. Just like a normal couple. Josh and Eileen back at it again.

That night I couldn’t sleep. But this time it wasn’t because of my mind going crazy and asking all these ridiculous questions about life and love. This time it was because I was watching Josh falling asleep. I still couldn’t believe it. All it needed in the end were just a few stupid but also beautiful words by him. Maybe it needed to be one of us who made the first step. I guess it was clear that there was still something going on between us. I noticed it after the blizzard night in December. Maybe I didn’t have the guts to ask Josh for this talk. But luckily he had the guts.

What if no one would have had the guts to do it. Would we keep living apart in the next years? Maybe having a family with someone else? Just because we were afraid to face the truth? I didn’t know but luckily I didn’t have to think about it anymore.

April

“And now one of the few graduates who did their PhD in Berlin wants to share a few words with you. Please, Eileen. It’s your stage now” my professor introduced me to the audience. I was at the assembly hall at UCLA. The University where I started my PhD more than five years ago. Today it was the graduation celebration. I was wearing this stupid robe with this typical hat everyone knows.

I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. My heart was beating so fast I felt so flustered. But I had to say these words because I promised my professor to do it.

“Hello everyone” I started. “My name is Eileen Puritz. When I first started with my doctorate I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be. Of course I knew how stressful and busy life as a student was. Many people just laugh at the students who seem to have a chilling life. But that’s a lie. Life as a student is always based on pressure. No matter if you put yourself under pressure or others do it. But doing a PhD is way harder. But that wasn’t enough for me. I even moved to Berlin to do my PhD. First it was just for one semester but then I had this job opportunity and…..I stayed.”

I moved on and told some stories about my life as a PhD in Berlin and the audience seemed to like it. I felt more confident and wasn’t that nervous anymore. But when I came to the end of my speech I noticed that I blushed while I was telling all these words.

“You know….when I thought about doing a PhD, there was a guy in my life who truly supported my decision. I guess he was the one who told me that I’m a smart woman and if I want to do it, I should do it. Maybe his believe in me was the reason why I finally did it. But guess what….the guy and I took different paths and we didn’t spoke any word while I was in Berlin working for my PhD. In between time I met a lot of great friends there who supported me and of course my boyfriend at that time believed in me as well. But somehow I always wondered what this specific guy would have thought about me if he would have known that I even moved to Berlin to study again. And crazy how life can be, we met again last year. Now he’s here and I want to thank him because….although we didn’t see each other for four whole years, he still believed in me. This morning he told me that he’s proud of me and my work.”

I said and some people already started applauding but I stopped them.

“I decided not to stay at university because I was sick of studying, reading and teaching. Sorry guys, I know a lot of you are working at university and you love your job. That’s totally okay but I don’t. I have finally enough” I laughed. I hoped the many people here who were working for the university didn’t take it personally. “But I found something that I can be passionate about. I started a blog together with a friend. We’re writing about things women are interested in. Not the typical “How you can lose weight in ten days” or the “11 ways you can make your boyfriend go crazy in bed”-topics. I mean, the real topics. Growing up, finding a job, getting confidence, sexism, harassment, fears, marrying, becoming a mother. Even if we’re no experts in any of these topics we try to write about it. That’s what I love. Writing. So I will keep writing. I wrote a dissertation and I will keep writing” I laughed and many people in the audience joined me. “And again there is this guy who believes in me. And he makes me happy, confident and let me feel whole. Josh, thank you so much for being my boyfriend. I know we’re only dating for a few months now and it is the third time we’re trying it but…..I do believe in us.” I blushed and looked at him. He was sitting in the second row smiling at me – but he also blushed a bit. I could see that. I continued.

People were applauding while I was shaking my professor’s hand again before he was handling me my certification. In the corner of the eye I saw Josh applauding and looking at me. In that moment I was wondering how we both could have been so stupid for not starting this talk we had back in February at the Brooklyn Bridge a way earlier. We could have been happy for a longer time now.

Everything was fine now. My family was here, my closest friends were here, but most of all, the most important guy in my life was here. And I was so fucking happy that I could call him my boyfriend again.

Maybe we needed these almost five years for finding out who we are. For trying new things, learning new things, meeting new people and even travelling around the world. But in the end we ended up where we both started. In a way.

I hugged my mother and my father, my brother and his kids, my best friend Molly and her hubby Eric and finally there was Josh whose arms around me let me feel save. I’m finally here.

________________

“Through the storm, we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you With or without you With or without you I can't live with or without you”

U2 - With Or Without You

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