#Josh Klinghoffer Fanfic

[granddelusions]

SHADES OF COOL (JOHN FRUSCIANTE)

“but i can’t fix him, can’t make him better… and i can’t do nothing about his strange weather” - lana del rey

warnings: SMUT! ANGST! INFIDELITY! JOHN BEING AWFUL! (ily john im sorry) 18+ !!!!!!!!

it’s no surprise you were in john’s bed after all the names he called you.

no matter how many times in those 4am phone calls he called you a bitch or “crazy” — his favorite — you still ended up underneath him, his greasy dark hair glistening with sweat, his chain hanging right in your face as he thrust his cock into you.

it’s no surprise that john put his pleasure before yours; you’ve gotten used to it by now.

before, the way you came around his fingers or on his cock was a sight to behold in his eyes. john would have you writhing on the bed, crying out his name so loud the other boys would pound on the walls in their hotel rooms, whistling and shouting. he’d fill you up, watching your eyes roll back in your head as his cum leaked out of you and onto the nice fitted sheets. he’d clean you up and take you in his arms, holding you tight and rocking you gently as you both drifted off to sleep.

now, he’ll have you on his lap backstage 10 minutes before a gig, barely warming you up with his fingers, finishing on your chest with no passion, no concern, no love. you’ll sit there, ridding yourself of the stickiness around your breasts, wondering what went wrong. you’d weep while he played his set with zero concern about his crying girlfriend backstage.

he would love when you would visit him on tour; you had the time of course, as he supported you and made sure you never had to work a day in your life as long as you were with him.

but in this present moment, as you cried out john’s name, holding onto the bedframe and feeling the pressure building up inside you, you realize just how little those visits did in terms of your relationship — if you can even call it that anymore.

with your visit to vegas — he still would have gone out the night after you left and flirted with those fans.

with your visit to new york — the guys still would have taken him to that club where he met that girl — the girl who vaguely resembled you and who john referred to the boys as “a goddamn enigma”. this rung a bell in anthony’s mind because he said the same thing about you just two years prior.

the guys had the heart to tell you he took that girl back to his hotel room. you forgave him as he cried in your arms, chalking it up to how depressed he’s been with the monotonus tour life. through his sobs, he wanted you to know that you were his girl, that it will never happen again.

his girl.

you snapped back to reality as he grabbed your face, your eyes interlocking.

“my girl, my good fucking girl… say it.”

and as the two of you finally came, you buried your face in the crook of his neck, salty tears streaming down your face. tears of pleasure and pain.

“i’m your girl.”

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

(Final) Chapter 46: Never is a long time

I have so many things to say in this last post. First of all I want to thank everyone who read the fic and supported it and also followed Anastasia's Instagram. This experience has allowed me to meet so many amazing people around the world and I'll be forever grateful for your friendship during this time. I hope we can all keep in touch. I'm extra proud of myself for finishing this. To be honest with you, there were times when I thought couldn't do it, sometimes I didn't want to, but now I'm happy I did.

It's been a wild year since I started to write this story and my life did a 180° turn since last January when I wrote those first lines after reading another amazing fanfic (Be My Getaway), at that moment I was so alone in life and so depressed that writing this was a light in my dark day to day.

Thank you again, I never expected all the success, even if nobody read it I'm so happy I did this. Life is better now and it's just starting, and I'll keep writing, and I'll continue writing about Anastasia and I hope we can all gather around that story too.

I wanna give special thanks to Adriana for helping me with my grammar, y'all know English is not my first language, to Eva (my new roommate, who would have thought?) for the support and for being JoshAn's number one fan, and to Mai for the love.

And to you for being here with me till the end.

Thank you again, I love you all.

Back in California, Anastasia didn’t have a lot of time to think about Josh’s last unfortunate behavior. The fact that he let her down so many times now was enough for her to stop caring about it, but she couldn’t and she knew it. Now the fact that she still loved Josh as hard as she loved him a year ago didn’t leave her mind. But work was calling and Dead Curse’s new single was all about him, about Josh. “How appropriate”, she though ironically while she was inside a black van on the way to perform on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, a popular talk show on US television.

Jimmy knew Barbara for a long time and, of course, he knew Anastasia as well. After a warm and friendly welcome, An and Mandy did a short interview and then it was time to perform.

“Crossfire” was the name of the song and the rhythm was slow. She never planned to make it a single but the rest of the band was very enthusiastic about it and, as a democracy, they voted it to be the third single from Live Action.

 There’s still in the street outside your window

You’re keeping secrets on your pillow

Let me inside, no cause for alarm

I promise tonight not to do no harm

I promise you babe, I won’t be no harm

 And we’re caught up in the crossfire

Of heaven and hell

And we’re searching for shelter

Lay your body down

Lay your body down

Lay your body down

 Watching you dress as you turn on the light

I forget all about the storm outside

Dark clouds roll their way over town

Heartache and pain came pouring down like chaos in the rain

They’re heading it out

 And we’re caught up in the crossfire

Of heaven and hell

And we’re searching for shelter

Lay your body down

Lay your body down

Lay your body down

 Tell the devil that he can go back from where he came

His fiery arrows drew their beat in vein

And when the hardest part is over we’ll be here

And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

 Lay your body down

Lay your body down

Lay your body down

Next to mine

 Josh’s POV

He was speechless. Josh always had certain envy towards the way Anastasia could put the deepest feelings into such melodic songs and that one, the verses he just heard her sing, were about him. He just knew it. Nobody had to tell him. She loved him and yet he let her down. She even told him she would leave it all for him and positive words couldn’t make their way out of his mouth.

There she was, on that screen, singing about him on national television, wearing a short, loose dark blue dress as the one she wore on their first date in New York, even her lips were red like the. It all brought him back to that night and all the amazing nights that followed. How could he? Josh never watched TV, unless it was sports, but Eric told him that Dead Curse would perform at Jimmy Kimmel and something inside of him pushed him to watch it. He didn’t regret it.

By then Josh was single again. Lauren ended up being tired of him not wanted to do anything “fun” with her, that and maybe the five times he called her “Anastasia” by accident –Two during sex. In the end she left him. He didn’t care about it that much, he just let her go and didn’t even try to reach her out again. It didn’t matter; no other woman mattered at the moment for him but Anastasia. A true treasure he let go, he let her space from his arms too many times. And now it was going to be harder than ever. She was with Richard the last time they were together and she, unexpectedly but magically, told him she would “leave it all” for him. But he shattered any opportunity, choosing fear again. How he loved to hear her say that to him, but enough was enough and he thought this time she wasn’t coming back. Life would go on but without her and it wasn’t going to be even half good.

Josh got up from the sofa and walked to the front door of his house. There he had a small table with some mail he hadn’t checked yet, he went through the envelopes until a very fancy one caught his attention. He opened it to discover the invitation to Mandy’s wedding.

Josh held the card in his hands for minutes and hesitated attending the wedding. On the one hand, Mandy became a great friend and many of his own friends were going to be there, but Anastasia would be an obvious presence and he didn't know if he could face her after what happened at Mark's wedding.

 Anastasia’s POV

- I hope you aren't disappointed with your bachelorette party - Anastasia told Mandy while both were flying on a private jet.

- Are you insane? You know how much I wanted to visit Tulum! - Mandy said showing real excitement sitting in front of her blue haired friend.

- Yeah, but it's just us travelling. I thought you wanted a big party with a lot of people.

- An, my wedding will be a big party with a lot of people, this is just what I need right now. It all has been so stressful. I need to relax and you need tranquility too... Have you talked to Richard?

 Richard... The topic Anastasia was expecting to surface but didn't want to talk about. Anastasia broke up with Richard a week before. She realized how much she still loved Josh and it wasn't fair for Richard, she was with him but thinking about Josh all the time. Richard was such a great boyfriend, loving and supportive that he didn’t deserve that, what she felt for Richard was more admiration than anything else, it was a platonic love but not a real one. The guy was devastated and Anastasia still felt bad about it.

 - He actually thought we would be together forever and I thought so too, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about Josh. I truly love him, Mandy, but he will never be ready - Anastasia said.

- So you’ll just avoid love until Josh is ready? - Mandy asked.

- I'm not avoiding love - Anastasia answered - I'm waiting for it because I know Josh is my true love. - Mandy left her seat to hug Anastasia, sitting on her lap.

- I swear, underneath all that hard shell there is this super romantic, cheesy and ridiculous Anastasia that I love - Mandy said smiling.

- I'm gonna reply to that saying that we need to start with the champagne - Anastasia smiled too while Mandy took her seat again and her blue haired friend went for a bottle of champagne.

 Tulum was a beautiful beach location in Mexico. Mandy had wanted to go for the longest time, so Anastasia thought it was the perfect place for a bachelorette party. She didn't have enough time to plan the whole thing ahead so there was just the two of then enjoying a best friend's weekend.

And so they did. They arrived on Saturday morning and had a large breakfast with every fruit they could possibly imagine, then they hit the beach until the afternoon. Tulum was an amazing place to find gorgeous handcraft items and both friends shopped until nighttime.

It was time for dinner. An made reservations in a very exclusive restaurant at the shore, it had a balcony and they could see and hear the waves hitting the sand.

 - I don't know if this is my bachelorette party or my honeymoon - Mandy said laughing.

- Maybe this will make you fit more into the bachelorette mood - A waiter approached them with two Margaritas.

- This fits into the Mandy mood - They clinked glasses and cheered but Mandy didn't drink - I can't believe you are actually sending us to Fiji.

- It’s where you wanted to go and I told you I'd take care of the honeymoon.

- Yeah, but you are so good to me!

- Mandy, you are my best friend. You have to deal with me everyday, this is the least I could do for you. I love you. I want you to be happy and this is what best friends do.

- So I have to start planning your honeymoon in Mykonos for when you marry Josh - Anastasia smiled, how well that pink haired girl knew her.

- I'm probably more excited than you about your wedding - Anastasia said changing the subject.

- I'm excited but this is just a step. My relationship with Peyton isn't gonna change because of it.

- Why aren't you drinking your Margarita? - Anastasia asked noticing Mandy hadn't taken a sip of it yet.

- I am - Mandy answered laughing and not touching the glass.

- Of course not, and you didn't drink champagne on the plane either! - Anastasia told her friend with a suspicious look.

- You don't miss a thing, do ya? - Mandy was still laughing.

- Oh my God, Mandy! - Anastasia screamed realizing the whole thing.

- You can't tell anybody. Nobody knows. I'm going to announce it at the wedding. Only Peyton knows about it. - Mandy said with a huge smile on her face.

- You really are pregnant? - Anastasia asked and Mandy just nodded - I'm fainting, for real. I'm gonna be an aunt again! How far along are you?

- Five weeks, kinda - Mandy said - I'm very regular with my periods and I just missed one and I knew it, Peyton went with me to the doctor and the test was positive. He cried, I freaked out.

- I'm freaking out!

- Not even mom knows about it. Neither does Nick. I'm going to announce it at the wedding and it fucking sucks I can't drink on my own wedding - Mandy stopped when she saw tears in Anastasia's face - Are you crying?

- Yes. I love you so much. This is perfect.

 Mandy got up from her chair and went to hug her friend.

 - This baby is keeping me from drinking but I can still eat so let's eat everything! - Mandy said smiling with Anastasia.

- Isn’t Mexican food too strong for the baby?

- Well, it’ll have to step it up if it wants to come to this world?

- “It”? - Anastasia was laughing.

- We don't know if it's a girl or a boy so we call it "It". It looks like an alien, a penny sized alien.  Are you nervous to see Josh at the wedding? - Mandy threw the words without warning.

- Again with the Josh thing? - Anastasia said - I'm always nervous when I’m about to see him. Even after he dumped me after having the best sex of his life. How are you so sure he will be at the wedding?

- Oh, come on! How is he going to miss it?

- Anyway, if he goes I'm sure he is going with Lauren.

- Darling, Lauren is in the past.

- How come?

- Lauren broke up with Josh because he was "too boring" for her.

- God! Poor Josh!

- Nah! Josh was good with it.

- How do you know everything about it?

- Nick likes to gossip - Mandy said with total calm and that made Anastasia burst with laugh - He does! He is the gossipy aunt.

- Shut up! - She was really happy that Josh was single again; it was like a never ending feeling of hope. - I don't know why I'm glad about it.

- Because you want him...

- I can't believe you are pregnant! Cheers to that! - Anastasia said raising her Margarita glass and drinking from it, ignoring the Josh issue and changing the conversation topic.

 On Mandy’s wedding day, Anastasia woke up very early at Barbara's place. The first rays of sunlight made their way through the curtains which made her regret drinking so much the night before. It was hard to get out of bed but she did, took a shower, grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a pair of sneakers and went downstairs where Barbara was feeding the twins.

 - I just had a dejà-vu - She said looking at her big sister.

- Are you going to the venue? - Barbara asked.

- Yes. I'm pretty sure Mandy didn't sleep at all - the blue haired girl answered.

- I will get ready here, wait for the babysitter Anthony is gonna bring and then I’ll leave for the mansion.

- Okay! - An gave Barbara a kiss on the cheek, and one to each twin - See ya later! I love you! - She said walking out the door.

 Mandy was going to get married at Malibu. She and Peyton rented a huge and beautiful mansion overlooking a cliff from where you could see all the seashore. They would have the ceremony there, the place also had access to a private beach.

Anastasia drove there to find a huge amount of people setting everything up and decorating. There was pink and blue flowers everywhere, the colors were because their friendship - Peyton didn't really care about it - and shiny, sparkly things all over the place, crystals, glitter, everything.

She walked upstairs to the main bedroom which was set up with a huge makeup and hair station.

 - I'm about to throw up - Mandy was lying in a giant bed.

- Don't be so overdramatic - Anastasia jumped next to her - It should be one of the happiest days of your life, relax!

- No, I actually have morning sickness - Mandy said.

- Oh, fuck!

- Richard sent me a huge, beautiful flower arrangement - Mandy said.

- Really? - Anastasia wasn't expecting that but it showed her how good of a gentleman Richard was.

- And a Congratulations card.

- Now I feel bad - Anastasia said- Richard was so good to me. What if he was the one and I let him slip away?

- No, he wasn't. Your one is gonna be here tonight.

- It’s time to go - Anastasia got up from the bed – Is there any food downstairs? I'm starving.

- You’re kidding, right? There's food like for an army! Let's go!

 After eating some delicious buns with cheese and garlic the chef was making, the girls started to get ready. Hannah was the other bridesmaid and Mandy's mom was there too to get her hair and makeup done.

When it was time to see Mandy with her wedding dress, nobody could hold back the tears.

 - You don't even know why you’re crying! -Mandy laughed.

- Because you look beautiful! - Mandy's mom said.

- I look beautiful all the time and I have never seen you crying about it! - She was still laughing.

 Mandy's pink hair had 50’s vibe waves, and her dress was strapless with handmade embroidered appliqué. Makeup was natural. She looked beautiful. The shoes were blue and you could read “Wifey for life” on the soles. The veil was a showstopper, it had more embroidered ornaments, including two blue birds carrying a ribbon from where you could read “And they lived happily ever after”.

Anastasia, on the other hand, wore a pale pink dress with a deep cleavage and embroidered stars all over, her midnight blue hair was up in a messy bun.

The walk to the aisle was the weirdest thing An ever did. She was accompanied by the best man, Peyton's childhood friend from Colorado. All the eyes were on Mandy when it was her turn to make appear on the set of the ceremony. The last light of the day painted the sky and her pink hair was shining. Anastasia saw Peyton's jaw dropping to the floor.

An also gave a look to the assistants; she saw Chad, Flea and Anthony next to Barbara, Nick - her father, who always saw Mandy as another daughter- Mark and Steph. She also saw Eric, Nick and Jonathan. She saw many of their high school friends, some musician friends and then there he was, sitting on the fifth row, behind Anthony. His hair was straightened and he was wearing a tux in his right size. Next to him was his sister Kelly and some guys from The Getaway tour, they made a lot of friends there. Josh’s eyes were completely on Anastasia, he wasn't hiding it. She smiled and waved, he smiled and waved back. And there she was again, looking at the true love of his life.

The ceremony was longer than expected so when the Minister said the phrase “You may kiss the bride” it was a relief for everyone. It was time to party. Anastasia talked to almost everyone in the party. She danced with Mandy and with Nick, announced a huge surprise for the bride: she managed to get the Backstreet Boys to perform, Mandy's favorite childhood band, and then –as in a wedding full of musicians– some guests grabbed instruments and put together an improvised band, Chad and Mark among the members. Of course, they played every cover people requested.

It was so much fun. Anastasia wasn't avoiding Josh but maybe he was because they didn't cross paths in the entire evening. At one moment Mandy decided to pick up the microphone to say some things.

 - Hello everyone! - She was so happy - Y'all know how I don't like to be on a stage - she said sarcastically and everyone laughed - and thank God I have one on my own wedding. I wanna thank everyone for being here and celebrating this obvious step of our relationship after eight years together. I couldn't imagine sharing my life with anybody else and I'm so lucky I found true love so early in life and without the hard work that it implies - She looked at Peyton who was next to her- But we are not only celebrating our wedding today - Anastasia smiled wide and looked at Nick because she wanted to see his face, he was going to be so excited to be an uncle - but also the begging of our family and I want to inform all that if I treated you like trash and screamed you during this weeks is because I have a baby in my belly and you are going to have to deal with that for another eight months.

 Nick's jaw fell to the floor and Mandy's mom started to cry. Everyone was so happy for them and ran to hug them and congratulate them. Anastasia saw the perfect opportunity to step out and walked downstairs to the private beach the Mansion had. The moonshine reflected on the water and it made it look like glitter. She started to think about everything that just happened and how unlikely it would be to happen to her. Her heart was Josh's and she couldn't carry a child inside her; she started to cry thinking that something was always going to be missing from her life.

She looked at the shore and cried, like she hadn’t cried in a long time. She looked at the sky and back to the horizon, then she felt a pair of arms around her.

 - I'm sorry to be crying at your wedding- she said turning herself thinking it was Mandy but no, it was Josh. She was so shocked the tears stopped running.

- Weddings can get a bit emotional, especially when the bride's pregnant - Josh said hugging her. She felt such relieve with those arms around her that she hugged him too. It was always the same, Josh breaks her heart and then appears giving her love and she forgot about the past.

- Yeah. A thing that will not happen to me - She said.

- Being pregnant at your wedding? - Josh said smiling, Anastasia melted watching him doing that - It can happen if you plan it.

- Being pregnant in general.

- How come? - Josh looked at her without breaking the hug and she remembered that she never told Josh she wasn't fertile, now she had to.

- I never told you this, because I don't really talk about it, but my reproductive system doesn’t work well and I'm not fertile, I can't be a mother - surprisingly for her, Josh hugged her tightly and then carry her to sit in the sand.

- You can be a mother, there's some other ways, adoption or even a surrogate.

- Would you like that the woman you marry can't carry your own child inside of her?

- It’s the 21st century, I can live with that. It will be our child no matter what - Those words went straight into Anastasia's heart.

- You need to stop being so damn perfect - Josh smiled.

- I'm not. You are and yet I'm always letting you go - Anastasia just shrugged - I don't want to give you the same speech I'm always giving you, how many times can I be sorry about my behavior towards you? - Anastasia opened her mouth to speak but Josh shut her up - Let me do the talking this time. When I heard about your break up with Richard I told myself that this was the time, it was it, no more fear, no more delays, I want you and I want you now. I love you, Anastasia, and I was always sure of that and part of not being able to be with you was my fear of losing you. But I lost you so many times I decided I'm not going to be afraid of the future, I just want to enjoy the rest of my days with you next to me. I want to wake up and see you, I want to sleep with you in my arms, I want to be with you and adopt a child together. I'm ready, I'm not afraid anymore.

 Anastasia was speechless, what could she possibly say? Her dream was finally coming true and Josh was all there for her, she couldn't believe it.

 - I know it’s going to be hard for you to believe I'm not gonna run away again - He continued talking - And I can't ask you to believe me, I'm just going to show you. Let me show you.

 An kissed him. She couldn't resist it. As much as her dress let her, she jumped over him and kissed him, long and deep kisses. She felt little smiles in his face between kisses and that made her smile too; both started to laugh and stopped the kissing session to look at each other.

 - How did you know I was here? - She asked.

- Before the wedding started I took a walk around, I found this access to the beach and thought it was a great place to escape from people for a moment. I was looking for you at the party and couldn't find you so I just knew you were here - They were so alike.

- I love you, Josh. I never stopped loving you and I never will. You are my other half and even if you run away I know you are going to make your way back to my arms and I'll be here, waiting for you because there's no other man I want by my side - she started to cry and Josh wiped the tears from her cheeks with his long fingers, then hugged her again.

- You know? I keep the book you gave me at Christmas on a shelf in my room and I look at it every night before sleep and every morning when I wake up to make sure I never forget you - Anastasia gave him a short kiss this time.

 Both got up and Anastasia tried to clean her dress, it was all covered in sand, Josh helped her as both laughed.

 - I know you maybe don't want a big wedding or don't want a wedding at all - He knew her so well - But would you accept being with me the rest of our days on Earth?

- I really thought I would never hear those words from your mouth - She said.

- Well, never is a long time - Anastasia smiled at him for quoting his own songs - but it happens in the end.

- I don't know what's going to happen in a year, five or forty, I'm just sure that I want to see your face, and hug your body and kiss your lips until I die.

 Josh kissed her again, a deep kiss, a meaningful one, this wasn't a death kiss, it was a forever kiss.

[didiletyouknooow]

28. Strip My Mind

Hey, 

 it’s Superbowl night! And here is a new chapter of Josh & Eileen!  I hope you like it! Thank you for your feedback and nice words about my story :) 

___________

April

Josh looked me in the eyes without saying anything. “I mean….seriously, who is Chloe?” I repeated my question with a louder voice. “Eileen…” Josh sighed. “No, please be honest. Who is she?” “She’s just a friend” he said and looked out of the window. “A friend?” I couldn’t believe him. What I heard at the restroom didn’t sound like friends to me. It must’ve been more. “Why do you ask? You only saw her once when I talked with her and Amelia” “No….not really. I heard her talking with Amelia in the restroom a few minutes before you talked to them. And I would believe you that you’re only friends if she wouldn’t have talked about hooking up with you…again” I let him know. Josh sighed and ruffled his hair. He seemed stressed. “Is she one of your exes?” “No” it was the first time in minutes Josh said a word. “Then what?” “Why do you wanna know it so badly?” he asked me. “Because I want to know why there is a woman out there talking about hooking up with my boyfriend again and a few minutes later I see her talking to my boyfriend? And she was obviously flirting with you” “She didn’t flirt with me!” “Well….she did. Believe me. I watched her” “Eileen….don’t be so jea….” “Jealous? Is it what you wanted to say? That I should stop being so jealous?” He nodded. “Please tell me how should I stop being jealous when there are always new women or ex girlfriends popping up? When there are women who plan to hook up with you again? When these women are at your concerts in the backstage area? HOW?” “Always? Who do you think of? Mia is the only ex you know about” “Right. But who is Chloe? Amelia?!” “I told you about Amelia!” “Yes but….who is Chloe? And why did she plan to hook up with you again? So you did hook up before?” Josh sighed again. It was a disaster. We were sitting in his car discussing about women I didn’t even know. “Yes I hooked up with her” he finally said. “It was last year. She’s a friend of Amelia and she cast an eye on me before. So when we were touring in Australia I met her at the beach because she was on vacation there and she attended our concert and afterwards we all went to a pub together and well…one thing led to another and we had sex. She joined us on tour for the next weeks and it was just for fun. But when we came back to L.A. I ended it because I didn’t have any feelings for her. But she didn’t want to accept it so she assailed me with messages and calls and I told her that I didn’t want to continue our…thing…it took her some time to accept it.” Wow okay. So this was the story about Chloe. “Aha” I said in a very obvious German accent. “Well…you asked me” “I did right” “So yes we hooked up but it was just casual sex – which I didn’t even like!” “Okay…” I said. “But….why didn’t you tell me when I asked you?” “I did tell you” “Yes but only because I kept asking” 

“Eileen…please STOP asking, okay?” Josh suddenly shouted and I cringed. “It’s my history okay? Everyone has history. I have, you have. Everyone! I’m 34, I dated women and I loved women and now I’m dating and loving you but to me it seems that you don’t understand it. You don’t see it. Instead you see danger in every woman I talk to! Did I ever ask you about your ex boyfriends except of Steve? No. Did I ever react jealous because you talked to other guys? No. Why? Because I trust you. And I thought you can trust me but turned out that you can’t trust anyone anymore, am I right? Maybe you should think about it” he said and left the car. I was still sitting in his car totally shocked because of his words. I never saw him so angry. Josh was still standing next to the car with the driver’s door open. He leaned on it and seemed to think about his next words. “Well Eileen, maybe we should both think about what we want in a relationship” I heard him saying. I left the car and looked to Josh but he looked away. “I’m sorry” I mumbled. “Seriously, I can’t take it anymore! You’re always reacting so jealous that I almost feel like in a cage!” “But Josh….it’s not that easy for me. You don’t live a normal life, you…” “Well I know. I don’t have a 9 to 5 job where I only meet boring people. Instead I fly around the world, play concerts and meet very interesting people and have always fun, right? Is this what you’re thinking of? Well then I have to disappoint you because touring is never as exciting as you thought. Do you know what my main problem was when I was on tour in the last weeks? I missed you! I missed my girlfriend!” he said while walking to his house. I was freezing right in front of his car. I didn’t follow him to the door. “I missed you! Can you dig it? But seems that my girlfriend only thinks about with whom her boyfriend could hook up on tour! Well thanks for your faith in me!” he screamed and opened the door. He looked at me with a confused face as if he didn’t know what to do next or what to say. “Well, uhm….I think….I guess I will sleep at home tonight” I said and turned around to leave the driveway. Josh didn’t stop me so when I arrived at the streets my tears were running down my face. I took out my phone and called my brother who picked me up and drove me home.

When I arrived at my small flat I burst into tears. I couldn’t believe what just happened. It was the biggest fight Josh and I ever had. Sure discussions belonged to a relationship but I didn’t think that this would be fixed easily again.  I never saw him so angry and so furious. He was such a different person than the Josh I knew. I could understand him and his arguments but I had the feeling that he didn’t get my stance. He didn’t see my feelings and my insecurities. It wasn’t easy for me to trust someone so I always questioned everything although I knew that it was wrong. 

When I was with Steve no one was interested in him – at least I didn’t know it. He wasn’t famous and there weren’t any girls who were screaming at him when he was playing the guitar. There weren’t any girls at a party or after concerts who were flirting with him in the hope he would hook up with them. Who even does this? But Josh’s life was different. He was in the center of attention on stage. He was a famous musician if not as famous as Anthony, Flea or Chad. But he was recognized by many, many people. There were many people who liked him as a musician. I was happy for him but I guess I couldn’t handle this situation. I knew that I had to work on it but it wasn’t easy for me. After Steve cheated on me I completely lost my trust and faith in people especially men. Although Josh disabused and convinced me that there were men who were different than Steve I couldn’t be cool with it. I was jealous and I didn’t even know why and how I could stop it. I freaked out because of every little detail. I didn’t even want to know with how many girls Josh hooked up before. But I felt jealousy all over me. I didn’t know why. When did I become such a jealous girlfriend? 

I couldn’t really sleep that night instead I kept thinking about our fight over and over again. But I must’ve fallen asleep in the early morning because when I woke up it was already noon. I checked my phone but Josh didn’t call or text me. Why should he do it I asked myself? I got up and showered. Finally I felt more like a human being again. I went to my balcony and looked out on the streets. The first time since I moved in here I recognized the houses and trees down at the street. I saw some skyscrapers and could watch people walking down the streets. The sun was shining and it was the best weather for a sunny day at the beach. Not too hot and not too cold anymore. But I felt nothing. The only thing I noticed was that I felt home again. After three weeks back in L.A. I finally felt home again. I didn’t know why. Was it because of the sun which shined directly into my face? Or was it because of the skyscrapers I saw? Was it because of the smog or because of the music I heard coming from downstairs? L.A. was different than Berlin. It was different because it was my home. The city I lived in for like 28 years, where I went to school and studied, where my family lived and where I’ve met most of my boyfriends, I felt home here.

After some philosophical thoughts I took my phone and called Marc. I had to talk with someone about my fight with Josh last night. So he knocked at my door one hour later. I made margaritas and we sat down at my balcony, enjoyed the sun and talked.

I told Marc what happened last night. He listened to me very carefully. “Seems like Josh doesn’t understand your jealousy and to be honest Eileen, me neither” he said when I finished telling him about my fight with Josh. “I know and I’m so sorry….I know I overacted” “He’s right. You have trust him. No matter how many girls or women he meets on tour….he loves you and he doesn’t want any other women” “Yes but….Marc, it isn’t easy for me” “I know. It’s because you lost your faith in people. But Eileen, you have to relearn it. You don’t have to trust every stranger you just met. But Josh is no stranger. He’s your boyfriend and you have to trust him” “You’re right…” “If I would be him and I would get to know that my girlfriend doesn’t trust me I would be disappointed too.” “But he was so furious and so angry…I’ve never seen him like this before. He was a complete different person” “He was mad and felt kind of rejected I guess” “Could be….but don’t you think it’s my right to know who Chloe really is? I mean she talked about hooking up with him!” “Maybe I don’t share your opinion because I’m a guy but…no to me it wouldn’t be important to know who she is. Do you know why?” “Why?” “Because she seems to be history. That’s why. I don’t want to know about every guy Maggie dated. So I wouldn’t want to know it. But I’m not you” “I’m a woman, I want to know it. I guess that’s in our nature” “Maybe it is….” “You and Josh, did you ever have a guy talk?” I wanted to know. “Guy talk? What do you mean?” “Well….talking about girls and all this stuff. I mean you were painting my kitchen and you chilled together” “But we didn’t talk about girls” Marc laughed. “Why should I talk about girls with my sister’s boyfriend?” “I don’t know…because you’re men” “Yes but men don’t always talk about girls” “Hmmm….It was just a suggestion” “But what he did tell me was that he is very happy with you and that he hasn’t felt this happy for a very long time. So Eileen, little sis, please go and apologize. Talk about it!” “He did really say this?” “Yes he did” “Well….okay” I couldn’t hide that I felt happy to hear these words but I also knew that the talk wouldn’t be easy. But he was right I should talk to Josh and explain me. I would drive to his house tomorrow because I knew that today he had rehearsals with the Dots. 

“But, little sis, how’s life back in L.A.? Are you happy being back home?” “Are you happy?” “I’m totally happy!” Marc smiled. “Me too. You always notice how much your hometown means to you and how much you love it when you’re far away for a longer time” “Exactly!” “When I was in Berlin I missed the little things of L.A. I didn’t really miss the weather or the beach. Instead I sometimes missed the unhealthy food, the traffic, the nice American people. People in Berlin can be very grumpy” I laughed. “I missed Echo Park although Berlin Friedrichshain was a good alternative” “I missed the people and I missed my family when I lived down under” Marc revealed. “Really? You never told me” “I know….you know, I’m not the best in speaking about emotions” “Well, then you could join team Josh Klinghoffer. He isn’t good in speaking about emotions either” “Good to know” “But why didn’t you ever tell us that you missed us? Mom was always wondering if you miss us or if you’ve already forgot about us because you never called” “I’m so sorry. I always wanted to call but then I would’ve told you about Noel but I didn’t want to do it on the phone….urgh….it was a very complicated time” “Hmmm….okay” “But now I’m here, you’re here. We’re finally reunited which is great. We’re both in a lucky relationship!” “Well I don’t know if I’m still….” ”EILEEN!” Marc shouted at me. “Stop saying these crappy things!” “Sorry” “Well” Marc sighed after we drank another margarita. “We should visit grandma, she arrived here yesterday and I think she’d like to see us”

So we drove to our parent’s house to welcome our grandma. She was not only surprised to see us, she even started crying when she saw Marc. The two didn’t see each other for six years so they hugged for a very long time. My mom made coffee and we sat down in the garden. My parents’ garden was very big and had a small pond, many beautiful flowers and a place for barbecue. As a kid I always felt happy to play in the garden with my friends and later I celebrated some birthday parties here.

We talked for a while and grandma told us what she has planned to visit during the three weeks of her vacation here in California. I suggested that I could join her on some of the trips she planned to do. She smiled at me and agreed. Then she added “And maybe Josh can join us too? You two are still dating, right?” I laughed. It was so cute how my 89 year old grandma used the word “dating”. “Yeah, we’re still a couple. Sure I can ask him but he’s very busy at the moment” “What does he do?” “He’s touring with the band” “Oh really? So he’s far away right now?” Well, he was in the same city but in our relationship we were very far away I thought. “He is….like every two weeks” “Oh no Eileen, sweetheart, I’m sorry to hear that. So you miss him?” “Of course” “But it’s always a great pleasure when you finally see each other again after a while living apart from each other” my granny laughed. “If you know what I mean.” “Mom!” my mother interrupted shocked. “What’s wrong Sabine? It’s just the truth. When your father and I were living apart from each other because of his work we always loved the moment when we finally met again!” she told us. “We had a lot of fun!” she giggled. My mom was still piqued by what grandma told us. But I thought it was very cool to have a grandma that speaks so open and free about her relationship with our grandpa. “I mean…Eileen, you two do have fun when Josh finally comes home, right?” I couldn’t say anything else so I just laughed. “I should coco!” she grinned. “Josh is a cute guy! I’d hit him” “GRANNY!!!” I shouted. Well now I was the one who reacted shocked. “Just kidding. I’m too old I guess” she laughed. “But he’s a good boy! He makes you happy and that is the most important thing, am I right?” she looked to my mother. “Yes…sure” my mother answered reserved. The fact that her mother liked Josh didn’t please her. But the way my granny talked about Josh and me brought me back to the thought that I had to talk to him. I was scared.  I was wondering what he was doing at the moment. Maybe he was still in their rehearsal room. He often was the last one leaving it. But maybe he was out to have some drinks with the guys? Or he was home alone watching some stupid film. My mother brought a wine and opened it. We enjoyed the last sunbeams in the garden until the sun set.  

The next morning I woke up with headache. Ouch. That was too much wine last night. After my parents and granny went to bed Marc and I stayed outside, drinking wine and talking. I missed talking to my brother like that. We didn’t do it in the last years so we had to make up for lost times. He told me about his time in Australia and his first weeks back in California and that he really loved Maggie. It made me happy to see my brother feeling so good about his life. His little family made him the luckiest man in Los Angeles I guess. Conversely I told him the whole story about Steve and my break up and how hard it was to get over it. “But now you’ve a new guy by your side who is a good catch – according to our grandma – so don’t mess it up and talk to him” “I’ll do it” I remembered our conversation from last night. So after sleeping in my old nursery room and drinking some coffee – my parents didn’t drink tea so I had to take coffee – I took a shower and went back home. Before heading to Josh’s house I thought about what I wanted to tell him. The only thing that came to my mind was that I loved him. So I got in the car and drove to El Sereno.

I was very nervous when I knocked on his door. I didn’t even know if he was there but his car was in the driveway so I thought he was. Maybe he was still asleep? Well it was already noon so I didn’t think he was still in bed. But you never know. Josh was such a slugabed. Sure I had a key but I didn’t want to open the door because I didn’t even know if he wanted me there. So I knocked. After quite some time Josh opened the door. He wore jogger pants, a t-shirt and flip flops. It looked quite….sexy. “Hey” I said. “I thought you have a key” was the first thing that came out of his mouth. “Yes, but I didn’t know if….if you want me to be here” I said quietly. Josh looked as if he would say “Well, you know the answer by yourself so why did you knock on the door instead of using the key”. “Josh” I called his name because he was walking away to his living room. But when I called his name he stopped. “Can we talk?” He sighed and turned around. “We should”. I was relieved that he conformed to me about having a talk.

We stayed in his corridor. Well there could be better places to discuss your relationship than in a cold corridor but I didn’t care. “I want to apologize” I said. “Aha” now he was the one pretending to do a German accent. “I’m very sorry…I know I overreacted and I feel so terrible” “Mhm you’re right” he said without looking at me. Instead he leaned against the door frame of his living room.  “I behaved like shit….I was so jealous and interrogated about every little detail of your past. I know it was childish and unnecessary and I know I have to work on it. I do. I promise I do.” “Oh…you changed your mind very quickly” he noticed. “Whence?” I liked it when he used these unusual words. It was typical for Josh. But he was still so pissed off that I wanted to punch him because of his behaviour. How can someone be so ignorant? 

“I talked with Marc….we had a very deeply talk last night and he convinced me that I was totally wrong with my behaviour. I’m sorry Josh, honestly” I explained. “So you didn’t come up with it on your own?” he said in an arrogant voice. “Interesting” he crossed his arms and finally looked me in the eyes. I hated him for his behaviour but at the same time he made me nervous. “Sure I did come up with it before….but Marc was the one who told me that I behaved like shit. I never was so jealous before. I don’t know why I became such a jealous girlfriend. I never meant to be someone like that.” “Sometimes people change” he said in this typical philosophical Josh-voice and sighed. It seemed as if he calmed down a bit. Sometimes he behaved like a sulky woman. “I promise I’ll never ask you something about your past anymore unless you tell me of your own accord.” “You can ask me anything but stop being so jealous” Josh said looking into my eyes. “I know…I’m sorry” I sighed. 

My mind was going crazy. Josh was so uncommunicative that it made me angry but I stopped it. I didn’t want to ruin everything. So I asked “Do you have something to say?” First he only looked me in the eyes but he couldn’t stand my gaze. But after some moments of silence between us he started speaking. “It’s okay” I was confused. This was all he had to say? Did he even say this? “So….we don’t fight anymore?” I asked carefully. “No we don’t unless you want to” he chuckled. “I definitely don’t want to fight with you!” I let him know. “I hate fighting with you.” he said. “Me too!” So he took my hand and pulled me closer to him to kiss me. Maybe it was the best kiss in a very long time. Not because all the other kisses before were bad but because I was relieved that we’ve discussed it.   

We went into his living room and although we stopped arguing Josh seemed still a bit mad. “Is something wrong?” “Uhm, why do you ask?” “Because you’re still looking pissed off” “Hm….” “The boys?” “How do you know?” “Because I know you!” I said to him. “What’s wrong?” “Jonathan and I had a discussion yesterday because we didn’t agree on one part of a song and yeah it went a bit out of control and in the end he left and I was in the rehearsal room until midnight and later got drunk all by myself” “Really?” I asked him and he nodded. “Oh well…I guess you will sort it out” ”I don’t know. We had so many discussions in the last months. I have the feeling that no one understands my point of view, my creativity. Jonathan often wants to change some lyrics but I don’t want them to be changed….well, maybe sometimes, but most of the time I don’t want to change them. These are my words and I have to sing them so I should feel the words, don’t you think?” his eyes stared at me. “Yes, they should” “But it’s like the others don’t understand me” “Hm, but it’s also their band. What about making democratic decisions?” “I don’t know how this should help us….I mean, Clint and Eric say that I should write the lyrics and they don’t want to discuss them because they think I should feel comfortable with it. They only help me if I ask them. It always worked. But Jonathan wants to discuss so many details. I mean, sometimes I don’t even know what I want to say with the lyrics. It’s just…what comes out of my mind. It’s just art” “It is!” I said and smiled at him. He smiled back at me and I think I’ve missed his smile so much although it was only two days. “Hmmm…sorry I’m kind of depressed at the moment” Josh sighed. “Oh no….” I kissed him on the cheek. “I don’t want you to be mad” I kissed him on the other cheek. “I don’t want you to feel bad or sad or whatever negative emotion you can feel” and finally I kissed his lips. They were so soft but at the same time I felt his beard stubbles. “You know what?” I asked him. “No….what?” “You should never ever gonna do a clean shave” “Really?” “Yes!” I grinned and we continued kissing. While we were still kissing we bumped to his couch. “Let’s forget about the last two days, okay?” Josh grinned at me between our kisses. It didn’t take us very long until we took off our clothes. I think we both wanted to feel each other again. Maybe it was a cliché that we didn’t even discussed our problem very deeply but agreed that everything was fine again just to start making out five minutes later.

“I like make-up sex” I grinned at Josh. We were lying on his couch, my head on his chest. His arm covered me and I think I never felt so close to him like in this moment. I felt his heart beating. “I think we unlocked a new level” Josh joked. “What? A new sex level?” “I guess” he grinned and before I could say anything he kissed me. He always did it. “It was good” I agreed. “But I guess there are a few more levels left, don’t you think?” “Maybe” he grinned. “Oh by the way, did you see my phone?” “Yeah, it’s on the floor” Josh said and gave it to me. It must’ve fallen to the floor while we went a bit crazy earlier. “Oh no, it’s 4am already!” I yelled. “I have to go!” “What….why do you have to go?” Josh asked me confused. “Because my grandma asked me to pick her up from this museum tour she attended” “Oh okay….but you don’t have to leave right now, don’t you?” “Well…I guess so” I said and got up from the couch. I collected my clothes from the floor and went into the bathroom. When I came back Josh was still lying on the couch typing on his phone. “Do you wanna come with me?” “Uhm, sure but what about your grandma?” “She loves you! Actually she asked me when she’s gonna see you again” I laughed. “Oh really?” “Yes!” I said “She really likes you” “And I like her!” he smiled and pulled me closer. “And I love her grand daughter!” he whispered and kissed me. “I love you too JK!” “Oh don’t say these two letters” Josh laughed. “I hate it” “Stop hating you and start loving you, okay?” “Well…I love you, isn’t this enough?” “No!” “Well…” “So if you wanna see my grandma again then we have to hurry up now. Let’s go!” I pulled Josh from the couch and he disappeared for a few minutes until he came back smiling and smelling good. We went to my car. “Does my hair look messy?” “No” Josh laughed and then started ruffling it. “Well now it does” “Arghhhhhh!”

 We drove to the Natural History Museum where my grandma was already waiting for me. “There you are!” she shouted at me when she saw us leaving the car. I hugged her and she started grinning at Josh and hugged him, too.   “How was the museum?” I wanted to know. She looked at us. “Did you just have sex?” WHAT???? Josh and I looked at each other with shocked faces. “Haha, just kidding. Let’s get in the car, I want to have some coffee!” she laughed. We followed her without saying anything.  “So I’m very happy to see you again Josh!” my grandma said to him when we had some delicious cheesecake.“Me too Elisabeth!” he smiled at her. “It’s really cool that you decided to visit your family here in Los  Angeles. When was the last time you were here?” “Well…I guess it was nine years ago when I celebrated my 80th birthday here in California” she told him. “This is a long time” Josh noticed. “Yes….it is. I wished my family would live closer to my home. At least my other grandchildren live in Germany” “But granny, you always told us that we’re your favourite grandchildren” I stated. “Yes and that’ right!” she grinned. “The others are a little bit snobbish”. “Granny!” I laughed at her but she shrugged her shoulders. “I’m 89 years old, I underwent so many things in life. I’m allowed to say that!” she told us. “So Josh, you’re touring at the moment?” “Yes…well not right now. But yes our tour continues in a few weeks. We’re away for two weeks, then two weeks back home and then again two weeks touring” he explained to her. “Sounds very organized” “It is! I can tell you when I’ll be in L.A. this year and when not. It’s good to know” “It is!” she put another piece of her cheesecake in her mouth. “You know, I want to see your band playing live!” she suddenly said. Josh and I both looked at each other. We couldn’t believe what she has just said. “Really granny? It’s very loud!” I warned her. “Tzz, I don’t care anymore. I’m old. What should happen to my ears?” “I mean…it can be very stressful. Because of your heart disease or…” ”Leeny” she always called me like this when she wanted to explain something. “I might be an old lady but I want to have some fun as long as I can!” “I know….” “But we don’t play in California in the next weeks or months” Josh told her. “Anywhere near Cali?” “Granny, do you really want to travel to another state just to see Josh playing?” “You did the same when you went to New Orleans or New York, right?” Well….there she had me. “Maybe Vegas?” she grinned. “Granny….Vegas is” I started saying but Josh interrupted me. “Actually we do play in Vegas in two weeks” “Sounds great! Leeny, you know what to do!”

 I was so happy that I could spend so much time with my granny in the following weeks. When I came home from work we often went to museums or had some coffee and some good conversations. I really missed seeing her, talking to her and spending time with her. Maybe it was a bit late but finally Marc and I had the opportunity to spend time with our grandma. As kids it was always a bit disappointing when our friends told us about their grandparents and how they’ve spent their weekend with them. We never did it because our grandparents lived in Germany. There were only our parents and us living in L.A. It wasn’t easy to handle it sometimes. But our parents tried to stay in contact with our family in Germany. We often phoned with them, sent letters and they tried to manage that we could visit them at least once a year. Often it was during the holidays in winter but sometimes we flew over to Germany in the summer. I had some good memories from my summer vacations there.

So I was very thankful that my grandma was with us here in L.A. She even met little Noel who made her cry when she saw him for the first time. She wasn’t only a grandmother, now she was also a great-grandmother.     Sometimes Josh joined us and we showed her the city. I noticed that granny liked Josh so much. I often just watched them talking and making jokes. She always made fun of his clothes but at the same time she mentioned how she likes his individual style. They were such a dream team. One day Josh decided that our grandmothers should meet each other! So we went with both of them to a café and he was right, they really liked each other. I guess it was the first time in years that my granny had someone her age to whom she could talk to. After my granddad’s death she only had some few friends who were still living in Cologne. But now that everyone passed away she often felt lonely. She didn’t tell me. She was too proud to admit it. But I knew it.

So when I asked her the other day if we should go to the theatre on the weekend she said she already had a date with Josh’s grandma Adelaide. Well I was very surprised but at the same time very happy that she seemed to have a good time here.

In between time I decided that it was time to look for a car. I couldn’t drive my brother’s car forever so I should buy me an own car. I went to many car dealers and looked what I could afford. But it was disillusioning. Most of the cars I liked were too expensive. The others were already too old and not really safe to drive with. One day Josh joined me. We went to a shop in El Sereno but didn’t find a car that I liked.  On our way back home we made a last stop at the car dealer where I saw the car I fell in love with. It was a dark red Ford. It was three years old. I really liked it but I couldn’t afford it. “Maybe we should talk to the salesman. Just to get some information” Josh said. “No….I mean why? It’s too much” “But….I’ll talk to him” Josh said and disappeared in the office. I waited outside because I didn’t see any chance to finance the car by myself. After a few minutes Josh and the guy came back and he showed us every little detail of the car and made us an offer. “Sorry to say that but it’s just too much for me. I can’t afford it” I said. The guy looked at Josh. “Honey, we find a solution. I could buy it for you” “What? No, you won’t buy it! You already bought my TV!” The guy watched us arguing. “Yes but….look” he said and we went a few steps away from the guy. “You want to have the car, am I right?” I nodded. “So, what about me buying the car for you” “No….no Josh. It’s….no I don’t want that!” I denied loudly. “But….come one Eileen, the car is perfect for you” “Yes. It might be perfect. But it’s also too expensive” Josh sighed. “I’d like to buy it for you” “I appreciate that but….I can’t accept it” “Why?” “Because it’s too much!” I went back to the salesman. “Sorry but….we can’t buy the car. But thanks for your time!” 

Later that week Josh picked me up from work. He was standing right in front of my school in Pasadena. He started smiling when he saw me and I kissed him. “How was work?” “Stressful but now it’s already Friday so everything’s fine!” I grinned and we went to his car – well at least I thought he drove here with his car. “Do we have to walk home?” “No, why?” Josh asked without any facial expression. “So, where’s your car?” “I didn’t come with my own car” he said and we walked a few metres. Finally he went to a red car. I stopped. “Josh….is it what I think it is?” “Yes” he grinned at me. “But…why…no….you didn’t buy it! Tell me you didn’t!” “Well….I guess I did” he was still grinning and couldn’t stop. “Here’s the key to your new car Eileen!” “You didn’t do that….say you didn’t” I repeated my words. “I did. This is for you. Consider it as a gift” “Thanks….” I said and I opened the car. “But I can’t take it. Can I pay you back?” I asked him. “Eileen!” Josh laughed. “Can I pay by installments?” I asked and suddenly Josh stopped laughing. “Eileen” he said. “Just shut your mouth and drive the car, okay?” 

 I still didn’t know how to handle the fact that Josh bought me the car. I didn’t know how to thank him and I was still thinking about paying him back but he kind of resisted it. “I still can’t believe Josh bought you the car” my grandma was also very surprised when we were on our way to Las  Vegas. Josh made it come true and gave us tickets for their show. So my grandma and I started our little road trip to Vegas. It was the first show of their next tour leg so afterwards Josh would be away on tour for the next two weeks. “He’s such a nice guy” my granny smiled. “And you should take the gift. I mean, he really wanted to give it to you otherwise he wouldn’t have bought the car and come to your school with it” Maybe she was right. Maybe I should take it. But I didn’t want to feel like one of these material girls who wanted to brag about how much money her boyfriend earns.

After nearly five hours we finally arrived in Vegas. We directly drove to their hotel. Josh managed that we could stay there. When my granny entered the luxury hotel she was completely blown away. “Wow….this can’t be real” she marveled. “I’ve never seen something so beautiful and luxurious like this before” An employee of the hotel welcomed us and after a few minutes he showed us our room. Well originally it was my grandma’s room because I would stay in Josh’s room. “This here” my granny said while pointing at the giant room we were standing in. “Is it all for me? This room? I mean….look at the balcony, look at the living room….is there a living room in my hotel room? How cool is that? And the bathroom!” she made a tour through her home for the next night. She still couldn’t believe it. “Well Leeny….now I know what you mean. How should we thank Josh?” 

We spent the rest of the day walking through Vegas marvelling. We went to the Vegas sign to make a picture and afterwards went to see the Bellagio fountains and the Hotel Venetian. It was very hot outside so we went back to our hotel to get some rest and have some cool drinks. My grandma was completely impressed by the city although she also mentioned that she didn’t like the idea of synthetic cities in the desert. 

Finally we went to the arena for the show. Josh gave us the best seats he could get. My grandma was completely blown away when we sat down at our seats and took a look around in the arena. “Wow, it’s unbelievable. You know I once saw Elvis Presley live and it was incredible. But I never saw something like that before! Look at all these people! They all want to see Josh and his band!” “Well…I guess most of them don’t come because of Josh” I laughed. “But you’re right. It’s very great” “It must be a weird feeling being on stage playing music and thousands of people cheer at you!” “It is I guess…” “It’s interesting that Josh plays in such a famous band in front of so many people every night but at the same time he’s such a shy guy” “He has two sides. The on-stage-Josh and the off-stage-Josh” “Who do you like the most?” “Both” I said laughing. “Well….the off-stage-Josh is the guy I prefer the most because I spend most of the time with him”. “Sweetie, you’re so happy with him. Everyone sees it and it’s so great. You have to keep him! Don’t let him go and don’t screw it up, okay?” “I won’t…” “You two would have so beautiful children!” she smiled. “Another great-grandchild” “Granny….stop putting so much pressure on me!” “Just saying….you two would’ve beautiful children” “Could be….” “Don’t you wanna have kids?” “Sure” I answered and thought about Josh’s and mine conversation from a few weeks earlier. “But not now I guess. I mean Josh and I don’t know each other that long” “Doesn’t matter. Either it’s the right one or not” she told me in her wise voice. Well I couldn’t tell her that Josh and I probably won’t have kids in the next years so I just smiled. 

While my granny was talking to some people who were sitting next to us I checked my phone right before the show. Well I guess I shouldn’t have done it. When I opened Facebook there were two messages by some strangers. They all wrote the same.

“Hey, are you Josh Klinghoffer’s girlfriend?” 

“Hi, I don’t know you and I’m sorry to ask you but are you Josh Klinghoffer’s gf?”

 What the fuck?

I didn’t know why these people thought about me being his girlfriend. I checked my social media accounts. Maybe it could give me a hint? After some minutes I kind of found the answer I guessed. There were some pictures of Josh and me from the Lakers game. Someone linked me on it on Facebook and I didn’t notice it because I didn’t check Facebook regularly. And I didn’t change my options. So everyone could link me on a picture. Well Eileen, perfectly I thought. Good job! “What do you do with your phone?” my grandma asked me. “Uhm, just checking some mails” “Stop surfing in the internet, Leeny, concentrate on reality!” she reminded me and she was right. I put my phone away and stopped thinking about some fans who might have found out about Josh and me. But if so…who cares? They could know it. I shouldn’t care, right?

The lights went off and the show began. I already knew their light and stage show but it was always a great pleasure seeing these four guys on stage. My granny laughed and clapped her hands and even started dancing for a little while when they played “Maggie”. She laughed at Josh’s crazy movements on stage and cheered at him when he sang a short solo cover of “I Want To Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. “He’s just a talented guy!” she screamed while clapping her hands. After the show we stayed at our seats for a while and watched the crew removing the stage. “What a great show! Your boyfriend is the best!” she grinned and put her arms around me. “We should thank him, don’t you think?” “Yes of course!” I said and took her hand to get through the arena to the backstage area. 

I was welcomed by Claire who was surprised to see my granny as my date. “How great is that? 89? Wow!” she said while shaking hands with my grandma. She led us through the backstage area and told Josh that we were there. A few minutes later Josh welcomed us and my grandma couldn’t stop marvelling about the show. She couldn’t stop showering him with compliments because of the show. She was like their biggest fan tonight. Josh told the other guys to join us and so my granny talked with Anthony, Flea and Chad and even took a picture with them. When Chad showed her the selfie mode in his phone she was completely impressed and wanted to make a selfie with Josh and me. So we did. Chad also asked her if he can upload their selfie on social media to show how cool their “old” fans are. My granny agreed and she joked around with the guys. We left the arena together with Josh and before heading back to our hotel we went to see the Bellagio Fountain again – but we didn’t stay at the hotel. While we were standing there, watching the fountains my granny said to us “It was a great evening. I’m so happy at the moment. I wish I could’ve enjoyed it with your granddad but I couldn’t. We always wanted to go to Vegas. But we never did. But now, 60 years later I was here with my granddaughter to see her lovely boyfriend playing a concert in Vegas. I still can’t believe it. Thank you Josh, thank you Eileen. It was one of the greatest nights in my life!” she hugged both of us. I couldn’t stop my tears that were running down my face. Granny didn’t see it but Josh did. He smiled at me and wiped them away with his fingers. I guess he knew that I wasn’t crying because I was sad. It just broke my heart to hear that my granny seems to miss her husband every day since his death twenty years ago.

“Why were you crying earlier at the fountains?” Josh asked me when we were laying in the hotel bed. “I don’t know….I guess it just made me cry to see my grandma being so happy. But at the same time it broke my heart to know that she misses my granddad ever since he passed away. You know…as a kid you don’t think about it. I was seven when he died. I only saw him a few times. I grow up with my grandma being alone. It was completely normal for me. I never thought about the fact that she misses him every day. You always think time will heal but I guess some wounds can’t heal.” “But she was very happy today” Josh noticed. “Yes but….you know….she doesn’t show it. I guess she’s very lonely sometimes. Imagine, she was living with her husband for 40 years and then he died. What would you do?” “I don’t know….I….I don’t want to know it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t wanna lose you” he said in a very thoughtful voice and looked me deeply in the eyes.   “Neither do I” I said and kissed him. ___________ “Sun comes up Gives me a hug Tellin me not to move too much We've got all the time we need And our plans to succeed What I never dare to say I'm pretty sure you know it anyway Soothe me everyday”

[disorderfanfic]

-2-

She's only 18…

‘Un-fucking-believable!’ Anthony shouted and ran to me. In a blink of an eye I was in his arms, above the floor, spinning around in the Josh’s living room.

‘Hey… I’m a bit dizzy’ I said trying not to throw up.

He laughed and let me go. Gosh, how much I missed this sound. It was one of things that made you cheer up instantly. We couldn’t stop smiling while we observed each other. He really matured, but in the good way! You can say that he is the type of men, who look better when they get older. Just like wine – it gets more valuable and tastier with its age. But wait a moment…

‘Ant, really? A moustache? What the heck?’

We could hear Josh laugh from the kitchen. He stood there with a smirk on his face and crossed arms.

‘I told you the same thing’ he said looking straight at Anthony with twinkle in his hazel eyes.

‘Shush people, women loves it! And you should better look in the mirror. Nice Hello Kitty band-aid by the way’ Anthony said proudly nodding at my head. I instinctively touched my brow and looked at Josh.

‘Hello Kitty? Really?’

‘Sorry, I had nothing else.’ he smiled at me.  

‘Back to the topic. How are you? Are you alright? How you two know each other? Did you ate something? Gosh, you are so skinny! And this long hair! They are even longer than mine back days!’ he started  ranting. We sat on the couch, while Ant still asked me questions not stopping for a minute to catch a breath. This guy really had capacious lungs and impeccable diction.

‘Hey, stop with this examination. She had enough stress yesterday’ Josh said sitting next to me.

‘Alright, alright… What happened?’ Ant asked with worried look on his face.

‘Well…’ I was trying to find perfect words for telling him the story. ‘I kinda fucked up…’

‘Hey, it’s not your fault, don’t even try to blame yourself!’ Josh objected.

‘But, I should be more responsible…’

‘Can someone tell me what the hell happened?! I’m really getting worried.’ Ant raised his voice.

‘Alright…’ I exhaled the air out of my lungs and started to tell the story. With every minute Anthony got much tensed, he also started gritting his teeth so I took his hand and squeezed it trying to calm him down. Josh was by my side all the time with his hand on my back, while he tried to comfort me. After I finished, Anthony was shaking from anger.

‘This motherfucker…I’m so glad that you are okay’ He pulled me in his arms and held tightly.

‘Thankfully to Josh.’ I said drawing back, smiling to my savior. Josh blushed and started playing with the edge of his to big sweater. He really didn’t like to be in the center of attention.

‘So… Yeah… How you two know each other?’ he finally asked with nervous voice.

‘Well… She is my one and only Bambi face.’ Anthony said with a huge smile on his face. He laughed seeing my reaction to my old nickname and started to tell Josh our story.

***

‘We are going to attend the Hillers party tomorrow night.’ the pretentious voice interrupted my thoughts.  I’ve been sitting in living room and observed fire in the fireplace. My mother-in-law walked further into the room with snobby smirk on her face.

‘Jake is going to be there, I know he wants to spent some time with you’

The flashback of his face made me shiver with disgust. Jake was a player, with his golden skin, blond hair and Hollywood smile he had every girl down on her knees in a minute. But not me. He didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t impressed by his ‘perfect’ personality and look. So he took up a challenge to win my heart.

‘Unfortunately, it’s only unilateral’ I answered crossing my arms.

‘Ohh, my poor girl. Get used to it, because you might be his wife in future. We wealthy people have to stick together.’ she caressed my cheek with her spiked fake nails.

‘In your fucking dreams.’ I answered emphasizing every word and pushed her hand away from me.

‘Ohh… Little girl is getting annoyed? That’s bad cause your father already agreed to that.’ she smiled showing her white teeth. She was so happy to make me furious.

‘Fun fact! As opposed to you I’m not a gold digger’ I stood up and came close to her. Annie’s  facial expression changed immediately.

‘Don’t you dare to talk to me like that!’ she screamed in high pitch voice and slapped me. I couldn’t believe that. Oh bitch, it’s not going to end like that. I raised my hand planning the repay but I were interrupted by husky voice:

‘What the hell are you two doing?!’ my dad was standing in the door step watching us.

‘Oh darling… I couldn’t do anything! She went mad and slapped me! And I was only asking about her school. Do something!’ the embodiment of evil played her little scene and run up to my father. I crossed my arms and waited for his reaction.

‘Alexandrine, what were you thinking?! Are you mad?!’ Dad hugged Barbie tightly and checked her face. When he was done, I could see a hint of vicious smile on her lips.

‘It’s not what you think it is!’ I tried to tell but he interrupted me again.

‘Yeah? I clearly saw what happened.’

‘It’s misunderstanding. But you won’t listen to me, huh?’ I screamed raising my hands and tried to left the room.

‘Come back here, right now! What would your mother think about your behavior?!’

He went straight for the jugular. I turned around.

‘Don’t you even fucking dare recalling mum! What would she think about the way you are acting right now!? Hmm…  Let’s see.’ I took a step forward.

‘Have you know that your sweet little daughter Rosie is failing all her classes because she is too busy drinking in clubs and hooking up with random guys. Ohhh yeah you don’t mind because they all come from wealthy families. Right?’ Another step closer.

‘Well, what’s next? Do you remember when was the last time we spent some time as family? Because I do. It was a week before mum passed away, she wanted to go on beach with us and spent a normal day like we used to.’ Another step.

‘Talking about mum, she loved you unconditionally, she didn’t care about money or fame. She just wanted a happy family’ I took the last step.

‘And look at you right now. You are a fucking sugar daddy to some ugly ass gold digger who is apparently 4 years older than me. So do you think mum would be proud of you?’ I stood right in front of them with fierce look on my face.  

My father was red as tomato. In a blink of an eye, he took his hand and swiped at me. I couldn’t believe that this bitch had him whipped. And that he took her side…

‘I can clearly see that you two are worth each other.’ I said and rushed out of living room.

Hold together you can’t show your weakness. I’ve ran up the stairs to my room, took my backpack and packed things that were on hand. I’ve stopped in the doorstep and took a look at my room. I’m not gonna miss that posh, fake life. I closed the door and run out of the house into the darkness with voices screaming behind me.

***

 Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t see where I was going. I didn’t care to be honest. It started to rain and I was drenched to the skin. I tried to find my location, but I couldn’t recognize the neighborhood. I sat resigned on the pavement leaning on the fence. There was no one to be seen. Congratulations Alex… You have no family no money, no job and you don’t have a place to stay. Good job. I sighed and hid my face in hands. I started humming the only song that soothed the pain. I quietly sang word the most accurate words in this situation: ‘While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me’. I sobbed when suddenly I felt a hands on my knees.

‘Hey, are you alright?’ a man squatted in front of me. At a first sight he looked menacingly with spiked hair and tattoos, but the pitch of his voice had warm, calming vibes.

‘Why would you even care?’

‘Because you are sitting right in front of my house. Are you lost?’ he asked scanning my face with his big brown eyes.

‘Lost? Well… Yes and no. I don’t know where we are, but I have nowhere to go, so guess I don’t care’ I said.

‘Aww, a little rebelled teen that has escaped from home?’ he laughed and stood up.

‘What is so funny?’ I asked looking up to his face.

‘Been there, done that. Alright Bambi face, get your ass up.’ he reached out to me.

‘Why should I trust you? You may pull me inside and kill me.’ I asked crossing my arms.

‘If you want you can sleep on the pavement sweetheart. Trust me.’ he stood still with his hand reached out to me. I sighed and took it. He helped me stand up, took my backpack and opened the gate.

‘Ladies first.’ he smiled as we went further. We walked inside the house greeted by sweet voice.

‘Baby, are you home? Ohh… Hello!’ a beautiful brunette appeared. She was tall and so skinny. She had almost black eyes which sparkled beautifully.

‘Hey darling, this is our new friend in need.. Ermm…’ he looked to me with abashed look.

‘Alexandrine’ I introduced myself laughing.

‘Yeah right! She is going to stay here for a while, alright?’

‘Sure, I’m happy to have girl company in this man cave!’ she said with smile. ‘I’m Heather and the guy right next to you is Anthony’ she crossed arms smirking.

‘Yeah… I’m going to the guys.’ he said a bit ashamed. He put down my backpack and gave Heather kiss on cheek.

‘Alright! Come one, I’ll give you towel. You are soaking wet!’ she said and took my hand.

She showed me the bathroom, where I freshened up. I took a deep breath and brushed out my red hair and washed my face. I opened backpack to look for dry clothes, but I could only find black sheer pantyhose and long grey T-shirt. After taking a big breath in and out I walked out and followed along the corridor to find a source of voices and music sound.

I looked into the room soaked in light from fireplace and candles. Anthony was sitting on armchair with Heather on his knees. She was hugging him and talking with other guy, who smiled all the time showing his gap between teeth. Opposite there was a huge couch where two another man were sitting. One had baseball hat on his head and smoked cigarette and another one with long, dark hair and beard played on guitar. It was such a calming view.

I took a step closer playing shyly with the edge of my T-shirt.

‘Guys, this is Alex. She is going to sleep here tonight’ Heather smiled to cheer me up and patted a free space to sit next to her.

‘So Bambi face, this is Flea’ Anthony said nodding at guy with his wonderful, wide, crooked smile.

‘Pleasure to meet you, madame!’ he bowed slightly making me laugh.

‘This gorilla smoker up there is Chad.’ Chad exhaled the smoke and waved to me. I waved back.

‘And the last but not least, our own Jesus: John’ the guy with guitar smiled and resumed playing on guitar. I sat on chair next to Heather and played with my fingers nervously.

‘So know that we know each other, we would love to hear more about you.’

‘I really like having my privacy, you know? Just ask questions and I’ll see if I’m okay with answering.’ I said after a minute of contemplating.

‘That was a very interesting song choice down there on street.’ Anthony said smiling.

I blushed and froze a little. I thought he didn’t hear me.

‘We need an update to the story!’ Flea said with his energetic voice and started jumping on his butt like impatient kid.

‘Yeah, tell us what happened.’ Chad said with his raspy voice.

‘May I?’ Anthony asked and after I nodded he said ‘I found this kiddo sitting on pavement, hugging he own knees and singing ‘Dream A Little Dream Of Me’’ Anthony said crossing arms with smirk on his face.

‘Hmm… Personally, I’d choose ‘Singing in the rain’’ John said quietly and everybody started laughing.

‘Alright, before you start to think that I’m a weirdo. My mum always sang me this song as lullaby when I was little. She said that it is her happy song. My parents fell in love while dancing to it.’ I unconsciously smiled recollecting the look of  Mums face: her beautiful wide smile, green, sparkling eyes and freckles all over her skin. ‘She was so beautiful.’ I mumbled.

‘Awwwwww.’

‘I already like you and I love Louis Armstrong!’ Flea said excited.

‘But why did you use past tense?’ Chad asked carefully.

I crossed my arms and hugged myself.

‘Well.. She died when I was 11. Brain tumor.’ I said quietly. I felt warm hand on my back making circles. Heather tried to cheer me up. I looked up to see everyone with sad faces.

‘That’s one of the reasons I run away. My dad didn’t care about me and my sister at all. All he wanted was money and girls. I guess that was his way to face up with death.  So, since I was 12 I had 7 “mummies”. The last one, Annie was 22, so 4 years older than me right now… She used to hit me, but today she was busted by my father. Of course she played a scene that I slapped her, and he believed her...’

Everyone eyes were focused on me. I exhaled the air and said:

‘So you don’t need to worry about me being a murderer or rapist. I’m just fucked up girl who has nowhere to go.’ I said sarcastically and smiled to them. ‘ Don’t worry I will figure something out!’

‘Don’t you even fucking try.’ Anthony said slowly with watery eyes. ‘I can’t believe what I would do if my mum was dead. You can stay here for as long you want. Right?’

‘Yeah’

‘Of course!’

‘Ahhh come here!’ Flea said standing up quickly and hugged me from behind. ‘We won’t let you suffer anymore Bambi.’

***

‘This evening we ended up dead drunk. So our lovely Alex stayed with us for a few months in Mansion. You remember it? We were recording Stadium Arcadium there’ Anthony finished the story and took a sip of water.

‘Yeah, of course.’ Josh answered ‘I couldn’t be with you there cause I was touring with Gnarles Barkley.’ Josh answered.

‘Oh shut up! I never knew that you had another singer/guitarist in band!’ I said excited.

‘You never wanted to come to studio with us so here you are: Josh Klinghoffer, the second guitarist of Red Hot Chili Peppers.’ Anthony said nodding at Josh. He blushed and smiled with his characteristic smile.

‘No way! How could this happen?’ I still couldn’t believe that. ‘We could have met anytime past this 3 years and we never did.’

‘I guess our meeting is a destiny.’ He smiled and reached his hand to play with his hair.

I blushed and smiled back to him. I felt butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t do nothing to not feel so attracted to him.

‘Can you believe that she didn’t know who we were? But that is a story for another occasion’ Anthony stood up.

‘Alright Bambi face, pack your things I will drive you to your place on my way.’ Anthony said stretching out his back.

I froze.

‘Well about that…’

[boy-at-a-bus-stop]

does anyone ever read the shit i write up here? it would make sense to read it, at least sometimes. So this is the 8th chapter, and i guess it’s a bit shorter than most of the others but i love it, i really do. There are a few songs mentioned in this chapter and it would make sense to listen them… And i used different quotation signs this time, i hope tumblr likes these better… and i hope there aren’t too many typos in here… anyway, i hope you enjoy this chapter as much as i do, and thanks for reading

Eight

I didn’t call Josh that day. I didn’t call him even though I had said that I would. I felt like Josh just needed some time on his own, some time to sober up again and some time to think about everything that had happened. To really think about it, not just wish it hadn’t happened. I felt like this was the perfect time for him to do so. He knew that I would talk to Bob and that I did my best to help him. And that John did the same. He still needed the time. And I probably needed some time, too.

The things John had said were still stuck in my head and I had come to the conclusion that he was right and that I shouldn’t worry that much. Things shouldn’t be that hard, hard? Especially when it comes to these hinds of things. They should just work out, at least in the beginning they should. Because if they don’t and if things feel wrong in one way or another, there is no way for this to work out. And I don’t want to say that there was anything that felt wrong between Josh and I, no, it felt great to be honest, yes I was confused as fuck but it still felt great, I just felt that I wasn’t enjoying this feeling of having someone I could connect with enough. I felt like my worry was destroying this great feeling - and that it might even be destroying our friendship and whatever it might or might  not have been turning into. 

So I didn’t call Josh that day, I did other things instead, things like cleaning the apartment, reading, listening to music, the kind of stuff you do when you don’t have to work and you don’t really have plans. I talked to my dad on the phone, he and Michelle had arrived  in Illinois safely but they were tired so we didn’t talk for long. Then Susan called me a bit later and we talked for about 20 minutes  but.. she really started getting on my nerves after a bit so I came up with some kind of excuse so that I could hang up and wouldn’t have to talk to her any longer. I personally really feel like doing something like this is actually beneficial for friendships, even if it may not seem all too nice at first. You just need to look at it this way: If I hadn’t done this and just would have kept talking to Susan I would definitely have become more and more annoyed by the minute. And if i’m annoyed I get really pissy so Susan would definitely have noticed that there was something wrong. In the end we would probably have fought. So it is better if I end the call before we get that far, right?

I didn’t do much after that and I went to bed quite early and for the first time in what felt like forever I actually slept well. I don’t think that these every-day things are interesting to you so I won’t go into detail here.  I just know that I normally don’t really care about what a person exactly does before they go to bed and whether they braid their hair before they go to bed. I mean everyone knows how these things work, right? So I (for once) won’t spam you with unnecessary information. Let’s just say I went to bed early, okay? And I woke up late, around 12 pm actually, this time feeling fresh and ready to start another day. Yeah, I just said i’d start another day at 12 pm. Better latter than never, right? I stayed in bed for a bit after I woke up, I just didn’t feel like leaving the magical place that is my bed right away. 

I finally did crawl out of my bed nevertheless, being hungry and thirsty isn’t that nice after all so I came to the conclusion that it would be better to leave my warm and comfy bed to get something to eat and drink. I had just sat down at the table with a glass of milk and a bowl of cereal when my cellphone rang. I took a look at it, wondering who was calling me and saw that it was Sophia (my flatmate I told you about earlier). I answered the phone and before I could even say ‘hello’ Sophia started talking in a hysteric way (and she seemingly forgot that I didn’t speak a single word of Portuguese because the first few sentences she said were in Portuguese) and ended her (useless) speech with a equally hysteric, »Where the fuck are you?« All of sudden it all made perfect sense to me: I had totally forgotten that Sophia returned from her vacation in Brazil that day and that I was supposed to pick her up at the airport. »Fuck«, was all I said before hanging up and searching my keys. When I had found them I headed straight to the door, put on my shoes and left, still in my Pjs. Yeah, better don’t ask, I drove to the airport in my Pjs, my hair was a mess, I hadn’t even brushed my teeth but in this moment I didn’t care. I didn’t want to let Sophia wait any longer than she already had, I didn’t want to let her down. 

I drove to the airport as fast as I could (which wasn’t that fast even though it wasn’t rush hour) and called Sophia when I had reached it. It took us a few more minutes to find each other in the huge airport. When I finally spotted her in the crowd of people leaving the airport I ran towards her, I really didn’t care about my looks at all in that moment. »Sophia, i’m so sorry, I really forgot«, I then said as I hugged her.  »It’s fine, don’t worry, i’m sorry if I made you feel guilty or something earlier on, I was just really stressed and kind of pissed when you were nowhere to be seen, I just really want to go home…«, Sophia mumbled and then pulled away, looking at me with her dark brown eyes. She really looked exhausted. »By the way, why are you still wearing pajamas?!«, Sophia then asked, a tired smile forming on her face. »Oh, uh«, I looked down and smiled myself, »I had just gotten up when you called me and I left right after hanging up« Sophia’s smile grew a bit bigger, »Oh my god this is such a typical thing to do for you. I’m so glad to be back, I missed you« »I missed  you too. Come on, let’s go«

We got into the car and I drove home, Sophia sitting on the passenger seat with her eyes closed. We didn’t talk on our way home and because I hadn’t turned on the car radio the only noises one could hear were the noises the engine made. We soon reached the apartment building and I helped Sophia carrying her luggage up the stairs to our apartment. As we approached the front door I saw that there was something laying on the doormat. I bent down to have a closer look at it when I was standing right in front of the door and came to see that it was a small cardboard box and a piece of paper laying underneath it. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering who could have put this on my doormat. »Oh, Ally, is there something you should tell me?«, Sophia said as the came closer and saw me standing in front of the door with the cardboard boy and the piece of paper in hand, a small smile on her face, »You never told me about your secret admirer« I rolled my eyes at her comments. »Don’t you want to just go back to Brazil?«, I asked in a sarcastic tone while I locked open the door and walked in, Sophia’s bag in one hand and the cardboard box plus piece of paper in the other one. Sophia ignored my questions and went straight into her bedroom where she just laid down on her bed. 

I saw that my glass of milk and my bowl of cereal were still standing on the living room table, of course they were, I mean I hadn’t even touched them before leaving. Since the milk and cereal were uneatable by now and I was sure that Sophia was just as hungry as me I decided to order pizza. While waiting for the pizza I took a closer look at the things that had been laying on the doormat. First I unfolded the piece of paper and started to decipher the quite small handwriting. To my great surprise the piece of paper turned out to be a short note from Josh, and it said the following:

Hi A…

I’m sorry if this is weird to you and I completely understand it if you find this too awkward but I hope you don’t. I just wanted to thank you for helping me… and apologize for making things complicated. So I made this for you, I hope you like it. These are some of my favorite songs…

btw Bob apologized to me. I’m in the band again, thank you.

And I hope you have a cassette player.

J…

I smiled to myself and laid the note on the table, my hands shaking and my heart pounding as I opened the cardboard box. Inside was an audio cassette, clearly a mixtape Josh had made for me. There was a piece of paper with the titles of the songs on the tape in the plastic box the cassette was in. According to this note the cassette had the following songs on it.

I’m waiting for the day - the Beach Boys

. All Along the Watchtower - Bob Dylan

Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix Experience

the Twilight Zone - Rush

Us and Them - Pink Floyd

To the End - Blur

No Surprises - Radiohead

Ocean Size - Jane’s Addiction

Wishlist - Pearl Jam

Fell on Black Days - Soundgarden

Heroes - David Bowie

Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

I knew almost all the songs on the mixtape already but I still decided to take the time and listen to it start to finish so I put the tape and the note aside and waited for the pizza to be delivered. While waiting I read Josh’s note again and again. I couldn’t believe that Josh had made a mixtape for me, no one had ever done something as nice and sweet for me. I really appreciated this, and I couldn’t stop smiling to myself while Sophia and I were eating in the living room. 

»So, who’s that secret admirer of yours?«, my flatmate asked after a bit. »What? Who?« »Well, someone must have put this cardboard box in front of our door, and I suppose that it wasn’t Santa Claus«, Sophia said, rolling her eyes at me. »Don’t call him that«, I giggled, »that sounds as if he was a stalker or something!« Sophia  smiled, »But he is your secret admirer, right?« I felt myself blushing and just silently shook my head. »Oh, Ally«, my flatmate laughed, »Come on, tell me more« »There’s nothing to tell you, really« »Yeah, for sure…«, Sophia said in a sarcastic tone, then she reached for my the cardboard box that was still standing on the table but I was faster than her, grabbed it myself and put it out of her reach. »What’s in there?«, she asked. »Nothing of your interest«, I mumbled. »Come ooooon, who’s the mysterious guy and what did he get you?«, Sophia whined, desperate to learn more about my ‘secret admirer’. »Could you please calm down?!«, I muttered. »Only if you tell me more about your lover«, she whispered and winked at me. I sighed but giggled, »Okay… First of all, he’s NOT my lover, and he’s not my secret admirer« Sophia raised her eyebrows at me but didn’t say anything. »He’s a friend - a very good friend, I admit that, but he’s not my lover, he’s not my secret admirer and he’s not my boyfriend«, I continued and then silently added , »At least not yet«

»What’s his name?«, Sophia asked, it seemed like she really hadn’t heard what I had said to myself. »Josh«, I responded and as I said his name I felt a smile forming on my face, »Joshua Adam Klinghoffer…« »Wow, what a name «, Sophia laughed, »Tell me more about him « So I told her more about Josh and I won’t repeat all I told her since you already know all these things. After I had finished talking Sophia said, »Oh god Ally, you should see yourself, you look so happy when you’re talking about him« I felt myself blush and looked down at the table. »So, what did he get you? What’s in that cardboard box?«, she asked after a few minutes of silence. »Um, he didn’t really get me anything, but… He made me a mixtape with some of his favorite songs on it«, I responded, looking at the box. »OH. MY. GOD. That’s so cute!«, Sophia shrieked. I laughed at her reaction, she was so wonderfully emotional. Just in that moment I felt how much I had missed her. I mean yeah, she may be annoying from time to time, she may be a bit over the top with her emotions and her love for drama, but at the end of the day she is one of my best friends. And even though I didn’t mind spending a few days or even weeks without her and even though it took me a while to see it, I had really missed her while she hadn’t been there. The apartment had been awfully empty and lifeless without her. Sophia yawned, »I should probably go to bed now, though, I’m so freaking tired« I giggled, then sighed and looked at her. »I’m so glad you’re back« She smiled at me and responded, »Me too, it feels so good to be back, to be home«

Sophia hugged me before disappearing into her room, a small smile on her face. I threw away the empty pizza boxes before entering my own room and searching my walkman, I couldn’t wait for listening to Josh’s mixtape even though I already knew most of the songs (as I already said before). I just felt that this was special, this was something Josh had made for me, these were some of his favorite songs, and he had made this mixtape just for me. And even if this might not seem like a big deal to you, it definitely was a big deal to me, this was special to me. It took me some time to find my it, compact cassettes weren’t exactly the audio format I used the most so I didn’t use my walkman that often and I was so glad I hadn’t thrown it away by that time. When I finally found it I put the tape in it, put my headphones on and pressed play. 

I listened to the mixtape start to finish for a few times, enjoying it with every fiber of my heart and soul. Josh had again proved his great taste in music to me. And this tape was definitely one of the best things anyone had ever given to me. I loved every song on there and I enjoyed every second of listening to these songs Josh had chosen to give to me on this mixtape, the songs he wanted me to hear and maybe the songs he wanted to remind me of him. I was playing the tape over and over again, not even noticing that there was almost three minutes of silence ‘recorded’ on the tape after the last song. I just listened to the songs on it over and over again for literally days.

So it’s no wonder that it took me so long to notice. And I probably wouldn’t have noticed it at all myself. It was Sophia who brought it up. We were sitting on the couch in the living room two days later (and I had already thanked Josh for the tape by then but he didn’t react to my text messages which I found kinda awkward) and listened to the mixtape through her boombox and when Stairway to Heaven had finished I got up from the couch to rewind the cassette when Sophia said, »Wait a second, I feel like this wasn’t the last recording on the tape « I looked at her confused, »What do you mean? This was the twelfth  song, the last one on the list. I listened to this a thousand times, I would have noticed if there was one more track on there« Sophia looked me deep in the eyes, »Come on, it won’t hurt you, will it? I really feel like there’s a hidden track on there or something« »Yeah, for sure, a hidden track on a mixtape «, I laughed. I sat back down though, and waited for the minute long silence to prove Sophia wrong. Just when I took a breath to say something along the lines of, »See, no hidden track, there’s no 13th track on there« I heard something. 

It sounded like someone was cleaning his throat, I looked at Sophia and she was looking back at me with big eyes. It seemed like she hadn’t really expected this either. I quickly pressed the 'pause’-button on the boombox, as much as I appreciated Sophia’s friendship, I felt like this, whatever it would turn out to be, wasn’t supposed to be heard by anyone but me. I just as quickly put the cassette into my walkman, put on the headphones and pressed 'play’ while walking into my bedroom and closing the door behind me. I felt my heart race as I sat down on my bed.

»Um, hi, it’s me«, I heard Josh’s voice say, then there was a nervous giggling and some more silence, »What shall I say? Um, I really, really hoped  you’d find this… which might seem kinda weird, I mean after all I hid it, didn’t I? Hiding something and hoping for a certain person to find it is a bit paradoxical, i’m aware of that«, again there was a bit of nervous laughter to be heard on the recording, »but well, that’s just who I am. And… um… I just wanted to ask if… if you’d like to spend some more time with me. Like, actually spend time with me, not just sitting around in the studio while i’m there… I mean, i’m not asking for a date… I kind of am, though. Um, okay, so… please just let me know if you heard this and if you want to spend more time with me or… okay, I guess i’ll just stop wasting your time now, I don’t really know what to say anymore… okay, bye« 

With that the recording ended. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Had this really happened? Had Josh just asked me for a date? Had he just asked me for a date through a hidden track on a mixtape he had made for me? I really couldn’t believe it. I felt incredibly happy, shocked and overwhelmed at the same time. This clearly explained why he hadn’t responded to my text messages, he must have thought that I was just ignoring his message on the tape, that I didn’t want to go out with him or just spend more time with him and that he had embarrassed himself. But he really hadn’t. This was the best thing that could have happened, the cutest idea ever. I couldn’t believe it. I listened to the short hidden recording of his voice over and over again, trying to make myself understand that this was real.

I resisted the urge to immediately text Josh and forced myself to lay down on my bed for a bit and try to calm down. I didn’t really succeed. I was way too excited about this, I was way too excited about what had just happened. So I went back into the living room where Sophia was still sitting on the couch, seemingly waiting for me to come back and report to her on what I had just heard on the tape. I couldn’t really find the words to tell her what had happened, though, so I just stood in front of her, trying to figure out what had happened and how I was felling. And trust me, this wasn’t an easy thing to do at all. 

»Josh… he…«, I stuttered, »I… he… I need to talk to him right now, like, in person« Sophia laughed, »Oh Ally, seems like whatever he did, he did the right thing« I couldn’t stop smiling, »Yeah I guess he did« Just a few minutes later I was on my way to Josh’s place, driving down the roads of LA as the nautical dusk made the sky turn bright red and the many lights that illuminated the city at night were switched on one after the other. I was still listening to the mixtape, my car had a cassette player. And as I drove down the roads I remembered John’s words and thought, maybe Josh’s soul and mine really were meant to be together. Maybe.

[behindthespotlightfic]

unfinished songs - a josh x zara one-shot

This time, I’m taking a break from my own story, to bring you all a really special thing I wrote. Today, March 25th 2017, is @bemygetawayjz‘s birthday, and I tried to pay a tribute, a homage, to her characters, her writing, her story and to her in general. It was a wonderful coincidence to stumble upon her, to get to know her, and to have her now as a small but meaningful part of my life.

So I borrowed her characters for a day, and wrote a piece from Josh’s point of view. If you haven’t read all the chapters of her fanfiction, you may encounter spoilers along the way, so be warned! Otherwise, I really hope you, @bemygetawayjz, enjoy it. I’m so thankful for knowing you. I hope you have had a really great day! May happiness walk with you each and every day <3

“I’d have followed her anywhere she asked of me. I’d have thrown myself to the wild for her.”

(Dove Hands, by Elizabeth Hewer)

---

I really, really didn’t think I was gonna get interested in Zara.

Now don’t misinterpret me, as that sounded quite pretentious. I didn’t think I was gonna get interested in her, but that’s because I didn’t think I was ever gonna get interested in anyone. I was twenty-eight back then, and I had had some hookups, but none gave me enough motivation to actually pursue love. I guess I had other things running around my mind, mostly music.

That’s the reason why I was kind of shocked when I surprised myself sitting at her table the day after I had literally bumped into her. If this were a cheap romantic paperback novel, the author would have made me say that “I had seen something in her that made my heart race”. But it’s not a cheap romantic paperback. So I’ll be honest: it was purely the fact that the two of us were in the background in that tour. Obviously, at least I got to be onstage each night, but people wouldn’t ever come to the venues because of me. Neither would they come because of Zara. So even if John and I were really close friends, we were on different levels. And some times, even if I usually like being alone, I felt lonely.

“Damn, Klinghoffer”, I heard myself thinking, while dangerously approaching her table, “now she’ll think you’re stalking her.”

The real Klinghoffer, though, didn’t listen and said something quite different.

“Hey! How you doing?”

Did that sound faked? I can’t remember. Anyway, she eventually felt a bit more at ease having lunch with this dork here, also known as me, and she ended up inviting me to come with her to the Guggenheim Museum the day after… so I guess that was a good start.

I won’t lie: with Zara, there were lots of awkward moments… especially in the beginning. Everything was awkward in the beginning. But we somehow overcame it all, and what seemed would be just a shallow acquaintance ended up being a close friendship. And yeah, then a full-on relationship. Much later, she told me she had been overthinking it all as much as I had been. Both of us wondered if the other was in a relationship, if the other felt the same, if we had misinterpreted it all and thought it was something more than friendship… we had been thinking about the same things, a few hotel floors apart in a different city each night. It would take the record store in Chorzów, Poland, for us to finally share it all.

I had been trying to send her some signals, just in case, just so she could know I wasn’t thinking of her as just a friend, but obviously, I wasn’t very good at it (I’m not very good now either, I believe). So I took over the situation and made the first move. Who would have known? I’m sure it would have been her if she had been a bit more sure of my feelings, but I didn’t know how to flirt in an elegant way so I had been quiet since I started liking her, which was shortly after I met her, shortly after that first lunch with her. Maybe it was at the Guggenheim when she took my picture? No one will ever know.

Well then. That first kiss in Poland, oh my god. Bonding over a Fleetwood Mac record, that first kiss was something I couldn’t have ever expected. That first kiss with Zara McAleese was like walking a new path for the first time, like the rush of adrenaline one gets when improvising a fast solo on the guitar. I’m not really one for metaphors, so just think about something new, intense, addicting and fascinating. When our lips touched, it was like meeting Zara once again, like starting all over. It was something I felt proud of afterwards, and have been ever since. And from then on, it all went uphill.

We slowly discovered each other, and so we also discovered we had more things in common than what we initially had thought. Our relationship allowed me to know that Zara used to play the guitar and sing a bit, that her hair wasn’t that blond when it wasn’t summer… Zara loved leather jackets but was a bit ashamed of the whole “killing-animals-to-make-leather” thing, Zara would unconsciously choose songs made at least ten years before the moment she listened to them, Zara had had a really emo band called “Grand Theft Autumn” when she was younger. Zara loved watching the New York Yankees play baseball, Zara was about to start an internship. Zara didn’t really care about sexy lingerie. Zara liked stealing my beanies, Zara slept on the left side of the bed. Zara liked neck kisses, jaw kisses, intimate kisses. Zara… Zara was an aspect of my life I had to pinch myself often about, as it was something so new and so wonderful, I might had been dreaming all that time.

So yes, it went uphill like a rollercoaster. And, just like a rollercoaster, it went downhill too.

I had been too careless about all of it. I thought that just because I had been dating PJ Harvey for a few months (and we were apart from each other) I would know how to make it work. But I didn’t. And as the tour came to an end, she felt she needed more than an abstract promise. I was offering her a runaround, I was unconsciously putting it off.

So one day, she realized she had had enough. And I told her it would work out, but not how it would work out. What was wrong with me, I don’t know. Maybe the thought that I could lose my best friend at any moment, maybe the fact that John didn’t want to be with the band anymore. Whatever it was, I just couldn’t bring myself to fight for her. And I should have, I should have tried to reassure her, but it all backfired on me and I ended up getting angry with her, asking her to leave… adding up to the sadness and the fight and the frustration and the feeling of failure each one of us felt, apart again just like we were in the beginning of things. I was still in love with her. More than ever. And she was in love with me too. But we didn’t know how to handle it.

And each and every night, I went to sleep thinking of her, cursing myself for not having been strong enough. She usually haunted my dreams, and when I woke up I didn’t really know if I was ecstatic or devastated for having seen her again. My birthday without her was a highlight of those gloomy days: I could do nothing but spend the day listening to music: Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours and each and every song we had shared. The Smiths, Blur and Oasis, Eric Clapton’s Layla… My sister visited me to have dinner together, and when she found me in such a situation, she went and hid my vinyl player somewhere, to try and snap me out of it. She ended up spending three days at my house, and that was kind of a relief, but I couldn’t get Zara out of my head.

Of course, being the jerk I think I was, I couldn’t help it and I wrote to her, several times. And afterwards I sunk, thinking I was a complete asshole (“You are so stupid, thinking she will give you another chance… she won’t want to hear of you by any means”), but feeling the need to do it again. To show her I still cared. To show her the only thing I wanted to do, more than putting together my own band, much more than playing with the Chilis, was to travel wherever she might be and hold her in my arms again.

Years went by, and my first record with the Red Hot Chili Peppers came out, but I barely knew about her. And that love, that passion, that infatuation was still stabbing me, but I learnt to conceal and ignore it, and so things didn’t hurt as much as they once did. I never lost my love, but I definitely lost hope. We talked once or twice, but as friends, and it was always kind of cold, like a distance had gotten between us (both a literal and metaphorical distance, actually). I thought I would take my devotion to the grave.

But following the logical sequence of events, after the new album there was a new tour, and I hadn’t forgotten for a second what I had promised to Zara: I would get her tickets for my first solo show with the Chilis in London. The I’m With You World Tour was in its beginning, and I was doubtful about it all: Would she remember? Would she think I was trying too hard? Still, I sent her the tickets. And she attended the show… with a guy.

“Of course, you dumb one, of course she has someone else now.” I was with someone too, but because it wasn’t really serious, I assumed she had stayed the same way. Later on, I got to know he was just a friend, they didn’t have anything going on… yet. I felt she would end up with that guy, but I didn’t say a word about it when I met her the following day for coffee. And that was it.

Or so I thought, because, ironically, just when I had made up my mind to not pursue her anymore, she shows up at one of the Dot Hacker shows in 2013, and she gives me a vinyl, Elton John’s Blue Moves. My favorite album. And it all comes back. The breakfast in Bilbao, the Polish record store, the Fleetwood Mac record… and the kiss. All of this, mixed with the alcohol we drank after the show, couldn’t be any good, and made me dizzy in some weird kind of way. But, surprisingly, I got to hide it all away. Seems I got better at pretending I’m fine.

I thought I could say the same about Zara: she told me about Daniel, his boyfriend, and she seemed to be keeping her composure perfectly fine… until she blurted out an unexpected “I missed you”. Apparently there was more going on under her skin than what she showed.

And that was the last straw. A torrent of emotions flooded me back, something really familiar I knew I had kept captive all these years, and, helped by the alcohol, I told her I was not over her yet. There was an obvious tension, and I tried to take it all back, to apologize, but somehow, when I left her at her hotel, something made it really hard to break apart again. I guess it was the fact that I knew I had her near me, the fact that I had a tangible proof of my weakness embodied in her body, that glorious, splendid weakness that made me want to be a better person when I thought of her. And that time, I felt she hadn’t got the courage to walk away either.

So in a violent flood, everything started glowing around me, my vision blurred, my heart started racing, and I found myself with her, within her, her hair caressing me, his lips drawing me to her in a black hole of passion and longing that I knew would hardly ever happen again. That night, I felt like nothing that happened afterwards could ever compare to it, like every moment after being with her would make me sad because nothing ever would be as intense as what we shared that night. It was impossible to describe, at least not accurately.

I can’t remember much of those moments, nor the trip back to San Francisco I insisted on doing, returning her home, except for the way it ended. She cried. I tried to get away from there. I didn’t want to be with her in that exact moment if it wasn’t to stay with her forever. I knew I couldn’t help crying too if I stayed longer. She told me it was impossible, I had hopes and she crushed them again. And she was right, she was probably wiser than me back then, but I still thought something could change after our impromptu meeting. And still, she ended it all telling me she loved me. What a wicked way of doing things. What a brilliant, wonderful, perfectly wicked woman she was in that specific instant. But I went away. And she went away too. And we were crushed again.

That time was definitely the last. Things had gotten to a point where neither of us could imagine facing the other again, or at least I was feeling that way. I was so ashamed of the way I let her go the first time and the subsequent times I saw her along the years, that some part of me felt safer without seeing her. The other part of me, of course, still longed for her touch, for her words… for Zara. What can I say, I must be an old Romantic guy from the 18th century… the thing is, years passed again, and by the time the eleventh Chili Peppers album, The Getaway, was done, I wasn’t done with her at all. That was barely a few months ago, but we started the tour and I guess I could distract myself enough not to think of her. Plus, I started dating a hot chick from a reality show, and I didn’t even like it that much, but she was a good distraction.

But last night… last night she showed up at the Belfast concert. And I swore to myself I wouldn’t let her play with me again. (Like she ever played with you, Josh. It was both of you who made it impossible.). I swore to myself I would give her one last chance. One last chance to talk about all of this, about us and our time together and our feelings. And after that one chance, everything would settle, whether it was for good or not. If we ended up getting away from each other again, then alright, good for us. If we didn’t get away, though… I didn’t want to think about that option. I wanted to get ready to be shattered again, so it wouldn’t hurt that much if it really happened.

“Can we talk?” I asked yesterday, backstage before the show, when she came to greet us, dragged behind her cousin and Justin, Chad’s son. She wasn’t really sure about it, but I got her to agree on meeting after the show.

And so we met. And I apologized. I faced my fears about talking to her, and I tried to act as humble as I could. I also brought up some writings she had let me read back then, some things she had written while in university. It was my personal shield to avoid being irrational and open myself once again. It turned out to be a weak shield, as something inside me cracked when I saw she was getting married. I remembered a song from I’m With You, a song named Police Station, and I repeated the lyrics to myself, like a silent mantra, while we talked about her future, and my current love life.

“I saw you in the church and there was no time to exchange… you were getting married and it felt so very strange. I guess I didn't see it coming, and now I guess it's me who's bumming. Dreaming of the golden years, you and I were mixing tears; not today, not for me but someone… I never could get used to, so now I will refuse to.”

Anthony must had been a clairvoyant or something: it’s like he wrote this song for me, about me. I broke down again. I couldn’t be as strong as I promised myself. I told her all again. I apologized for not fighting enough. And she left, once again.

Then why am I here with her, three days after, sitting in a London bench? It’s all because of her. I wouldn’t have made a move. Never again. Not after what happened. Not after all we’ve gone through. I couldn’t have stood it.

Some times, a melody gets in my head and I can’t forget it. But words don’t come out easily. As a musician, it’s harder for me to write lyrics than to write chords and notes. And so there have been songs I have had lingering around for more than ten years, unfinished, missing something. Now, after all I’ve said, it’s hard to find more words. It’s hard to finish this song I’ve crafted with so much thoroughness and care, it’s hard to string together this last melody of events.

John Frusciante, a good friend of mine, once wrote a song called Regret, in which he said to himself again and again that he “regretted his past”, that he should “stay alone”. I tried telling myself the same all this years, and failed. I’ll never regret my past. I’ll never regret stumbling into Zara, fearing I would have broken her iPod. I’ll never regret meeting her, I’ll never regret kissing her in Poland, I’ll never regret any of the things we did together. I won’t even regret being an asshole and running away from her, because maybe we needed that pain. Maybe we needed to endure the distance, maybe we needed to learn from our experiences, maybe we needed time and age to know what we wanted.

I’ll never regret anything about Zara. I’ll never regret the chances I gave her, even if she didn’t return the affection, and it’s useless lying about it: I would give her another chance, another and another, endless chances. I’ll be forever thankful for whatever it was that brought us together. I’ll be forever grateful for her way of talking to me, for her way of looking at me, for making me a better man, for freeing me of constraints and letting me be myself and whoever I wanted to be when I was with her.

But still, I can’t let myself slip this time. I’m just protecting my own heart. One thing is to be willing to cross oceans for her, another is to be suicidal. I couldn’t stand it if this last time I got out of here destroyed, so I’m trying to minimize the impact. This is another shield I’m building, a shield made of stoicism and sunglasses, just to hide away my eyes, my too-sincere eyes.

“I am sorry I broke your heart. Not a day goes by when I don’t regret it.”

Somehow, this time is different. She’s talking in such a different way. You would be surprised if I told you how have my days gone by, regretting everything too, ever since we messed this up, girl. But I say nothing. I look away.

“Josh, I let myself be consumed by fear, I was immature and scared. I could not fathom that you had those feelings for me. I broke your heart and I broke my own. I am mortified by the thought that you may never, ever forgive me. I’m sorry I walked away because I didn’t want to lose you to someone else. But in some strange way, right now, more than ever, I feel I’m losing you for good.”

You’re scared you’re losing me? I thought it was me who was scared of losing you. You’re so far from the truth, Zara.

She’s having trouble speaking, although words keep coming out of her mouth like a river running wild. Is she crying? Is that why she wore sunglasses as well? Oh well, what a shame we think so alike.

“And I know, J, I know I have no right whatsoever to say that. I know we both moved on. I know you’re in a relationship…”

What? Does she really think I’m taking this seriously? Maybe she’s more innocent than I thought, or maybe she’s really, really respectful of whatever I may decide to do in life. I can’t help but chuckle, a half-sceptical, half-sad laugh. I’m also surprised she knows, but much to my annoyance, everything’s on the internet, as she points out. Especially given the addiction the girl I’m with has to social media. I should have known…

She’s afraid I’m turning into someone I’m not. She thinks she’s losing me.

She’s not losing me. She won’t ever lose me. But it’s surprising, what a coward heart is capable of doing. She may not know what a beaten-up, tired and desperate heart like mine is capable of doing.

Now it’s me who finds it hard to go on, who finds it hard to breathe. After a few sentences, a silence sets between us. She’s the one who breaks it, taking off her glasses and revealing her face, shining because of the tears running down her cheeks.

“The reason I needed to talk to you today is… Josh, I am in love with you. I will always be.”

I can’t buy it. I can’t believe this is happening. I get angry with myself for believing, for a single second, she might be serious about it. Did you forget that Daniel guy, Josh? I feel like I want to slap myself in the face.

But she said it.

“Zara…” I begin. I’m still avoiding her eyes. I can’t stand the thought of believing everything can be okay again and then losing her. “You’re getting married.”

“I… I am willing to leave everything behind, this life and those plans that will not make me entirely happy. I am willing to start all over with you. The true love of my life. No fear, no buts, no excuses, no conditions. Not anymore.”

I raise my gaze. She’s on the verge of tears, and she looks more beautiful than ever. Maybe all this is truly happening. Maybe. But I can’t bring myself to say anything. I’m still afraid it might be a dream.

“If you don’t want to, I will completely understand. There’s no reason whatsoever why you’d take me now, after what I did to you in the past.”

I would take you. Now, tomorrow, after a million years. I could never reject you, not anymore. “But if you do take me…” She smiles a delicate smile, and I feel my heart breaking. No shields, no armor, nothing could save me from her. “I will dedicate my entire life, every minute, every second, to loving you and adoring you… as I have done since we met, as I do now, and as I always will, no matter what.”

Zara pauses, and gets closer. She doesn’t try to decipher my eyes, she’s only giving herself to me, body and soul. “This is my heart, right here, in front of you.”

She’s not expecting anything. Anything. She only waits for an answer. She’s ready to smash herself to the ground if I decide I don’t want her. Just like I am ready to smash myself to the ground if this ends up being a dream.

“Are you finished?” I ask, a last check because I’m too scared.

She gasps. This is not a dream.

I’m not turning around this time, I’m not looking back.

I take her by the chin and I join our lips. And then, I drown in her blue sea.

---

There are always unfinished songs. There are always things I won’t ever bring to a close. But I swear, this won’t be one. Zara won’t be an unfinished song. Zara is here, I’m here, and we’re together. And as much as I won’t ever regret my past, I won’t linger on either. I won’t stay in the past. We’re here, and this is our future. Here she is, here’s my future.

And these are the lyrics of our completed song.

[redhotmaeve-blog]

Beseech~A Josh Klinghoffer Fanfiction~

                                                        1.

The band was staying in downtown Shreveport, Louisiana this weekend. They,of course, were in the of a tour, and are constantly busy, but Josh had found a small bit of free time. There were plenty of unfinished books Josh had with him, but the buzz of a festival going on changed his plans of reading. 

Josh informed his fellow band mates of where he would be, via text, and left his hotel. Being a private soul,Josh chose a different hotel than the others. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy fan interactions, he just didn't enjoy the mobs, or the insisting, rather than asking, of autographs.... or the flashing cameras. 

Not really sure of where he was heading, Josh just followed the noise and small groups of people. It relieved him that he hadn't been recognized. For one thing, no one was really looking, but his beanie,sunglasses,and casual clothing helped. 

A few crosswalks later Josh was at the entry of what he heard civilians call the Let the Good Times Roll, festival. As he entered, Josh didn't know what to do. Should he try the food? Maybe play some of the festival games? 

Playing the games didn't seem like much fun. Josh also didn't want to stand out, not only was he a tourist, but he was there alone. So, Josh settled with grabbing a to-go bowl of gumbo( he had only had it when he was in New Orleans) andsat on a bench. He listened to the live band okay and watched the people go by. This was something he often did; sitting in his own world, watching the one around him slowly go by. 

Josh was so focused on his food and his thoughts, he didn't notice the woman who sat on the bench next to him. He was taken away from his thoughts when he saw her swift movements, rummaging through her bag. She pulled out a water bottle and something small he couldn't see. Josh assumed it was an aspirin from the way she popped it in her mouth and gulped down some water after it. 

Once she swallowed, she sighed and muttered under her breath, "Fuck." 

"Are you alright?" Josh quietly inquired. At first he thought he had spoken too low for her to hear, but she turned and replied to him. 

"Yeah. I'm alright. Thanks for asking sir." Josh's eyebrows raised at the word sir and he chuckled a bit. 

"That's a first," he mumbled. 

"What?" The young lady asked.

"Nothing... just I've never been called sir.."his voice trailed of. This time the young woman chuckled. 

" Well I don't mean any harm." After hearing her speak Josh could only think of one thing: her southern accent is adorable. It made Josh shift in his seat, and fiddle with his hands a small bit. He wasn't sure how to reply. "Are you from around here?" She asked after a few moments of silence.  "Oh..no. I'm from California." "That's nice. Where 'bout in California?" There's that accent again.  "Los Angeles." Josh smiled.  "Wow big city," she began, " I'm Maeve by the way.' Maeve stuck out her hand for Josh to shake.  He shook her hand and spoke," I'm ..uh.. I'm Jay."  "Nice to meet you Jay." "You too."  The two sat there quietly for a while. They weren't saying much but both of their minds buzzed. Not about anything in particular, except for each other. "What brings you to Shreveport?" Maeve broke the silence once again. "The music." Josh replied simply. "Ah..a lot of people came into town for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Performing at the Century Link Center across the river tomorrow." She said all in one breath. Josh's palms started to sweat, as he though he had given himself away. "Are...are you going to the show?" Josh asked. "Nope. I'd like to but I can't afford it at the moment. I haven't listened to 'em in years. It would be nice to hear the new songs they have out. I heard they got a new member," Maeve paused and took a glance at Josh, " I'd like to see him one day." Maeve finished speaking and Josh let out a breath. He wasn't even aware he was holding it. "Yeah." He said simply. "Well I have to get going." Maeve began to rise from her seat, " It's about to be sundown and let's just say the freaks really do come out at night." Both Maeve and Josh laughed at her comment. "Do you mind if I walk out with you?" Josh offered. "Of course not." Maeve grabbed her bag and waited for Josh to throw away his trash. The two walked together slowly. Speaking to each other here and there. Josh was debating whether he should walk Maeve home or not. Before he could make up his mind it was time for them to part ways. Maeve turned to him and said, "Thanks for keeping me company Jay." Josh grinned at the self given nickname he came up with on the fly. " It was my pleasure Maeve." Maeve stood for a moment looking at her feet. She seemed nervous now. "Do you think we could..keep in contact? I'm not sure how long you'll be in town but.." her voice trailed off as she shrugged. Josh was surprised. Was a woman really asking for his number? Of course women flirted with him, but none ever took the initiative to ask for his number. "I won't be in town for much longer...but we could definitely stay in touch." Maeve smiled at his response. Happily they switched phones and entered their contacts. "Great well have a good night Jay." "You too Maeve." Josh watched for a few moments as Maeve walked away. Then he turned and walked back to his hotel. Smiling the whole way. ------------------------------------ Authors note: Hi! Thanks for reading this far! This isn't the first time I've written a fanfiction but it's the first one I've written about Josh. I really hope to stick true to his character! The time line and things will be explained later in the story. I apologise about the spacing at the end. I couldn't get my phone to fix it. Thanks again for reading. ~Maeve

[gcnesistorevelation]

fanfic moodboard 1 // be my getaway

__

sooo here’s a thing i made for the lovely writer of my fav fanfic right now, @bemygetawayjz. i really like her story, the way she writes, the character development and plot... this isn’t your typical mediocre fanfic. and every time i read it, i picture some things in my head: i tried to capture these things by making a moodboard.

if you look closely, you can spot lots of elements from the story... there’s the guggenheim museum, the point zéro in paris, fleetwood mac’s rumours record and a record shop (read chapter 5 to know about it!), a beach (the florida beach in chapter 18)... there are still lots of references left, but i plan on doing a second part to this moodboard some day.

i hope this gets you to read it, i hope you all like it... and i hope you, @bemygetawayjz, like it, as it is, in the end, for you. thanks for your writing and our bond (get it?).

josh and zara in, anne out!

[anenglishgirl-americanman]

Fellow RHCP Fanfics

Hey everyone! Thought it’d be a good idea to link other fanfics I have read and enjoyed over the years. Don’t forget to leave feedback for the authors, it’s their lifeline!

Holy-No John Frustration Josh Klinghoffer One Shots A Smile From The Streets Did I Let You Knooow Be My Getaway Adorable-Klinghoffer Behind The Spotlight Never Is A Longtime

Happy reading!

[klingfic]

A Fall Thru The Ground - Chapter 4

*cough* it is the first chapter by me, and the first chapter in 2017, I hope it still ok :) Enjoy!

Something bright. It’s a light of the sun that shining into my closed eye. I never woke up to the light of the sun, I don’t know why. But today it was a reason to stand from bed. Second reason was that I slept today not on my bed and not in my home. God damn… Home. I need to go, but I don’t want to. I think everybody is understanding my position. What I’ll say to John? It will be ugly on my part to stay… I stood up from bed and my head wasn’t hurting. Strange, but ok, that’s good. I look around the room, I’ll call this “bedroom for minimalists”. There’s was a bed, drawer, little carpet and not for my surprise - another guitar. Memories are bumped into my mind. When I was a kid, my cousin from New Zealand tried to teach me to guitar mastery. It was fun, she always saying:“I need to teach you, not stupid teacher. People who are going to music schools are jerks.“But she died when I was 12. Still missing her so much.

I sat on the floor and grabbed a guitar so quiet, because I don’t know how much is it now and I can woke up John. I felt guitar in my arms and trying to play something. But nothing. My fingers doesn’t listen to me and that’s why a lot of weird sounds are coming from this poor acoustic guitar.

-Good morning, Li - I heard John’s voice behind my back. Fuck, I was so much in my ‘music’, that I didn’t hear how he walk in. I jumped a bit on the floor and quickly set aside a guitar.

-Oh… Mmm… Hi - I said nervous. -I’m sorry that I grabbed your instrument and I didn’t asked you. -Are you kidding? I’m happy that you did it, that was awesome

-Hah, thank you… I mean, I haven’t touched the guitar for like 7 years - I said. -Do you know how much time is it now?

-Umm, somewhere around 8 am - he answered.

-I’m sorry, I need to go

I quickly stood up from the floor and start to going away. I can hear that John tried to stop me, screaming "Li!”, I pretended that I can’t hear him. I was almost standing out of door, but at the last moment cold and firm hand took my arm. It made me stop.

-I said something wrong? Why you are going? - he said with an angelic voice and face.

-No, no… I just need to go, John - I tried to go away again but he didn’t let me.

-Please say what’s wrong, as you going home to your parents?

-No, I just… Have a meeting with my friend, she’s just waiting me and I’m late, so I think you understand me

-And you wouldn’t even take a breakfast?

-No, I’m not hungry, bye - I said, close the door and start running to somewhere.

Of course I haven’t any friends, and of course I haven’t any meetings with them. Voices… Voices in my head talked to me and they said to go away from this house. I don’t know why they wanted me to do this, but actually they calling me to listen to them when a place have got a ghosts or just a some vibrations. If these ‘vibrations’ are bad, voices start to attack myself with prayers to go away from this place.

I walked through the streets, thinking about my childhood. It was an amazing time. I had friends, parents who loves me… Bright days. I didn’t listen to the music so much that time then now. I listened to some music from the radio and I didn’t really care who is it, what song is it. But when I became a teenager it starts touching my soul. Then I start listen to jazz, punk and rock. Music became my addition. Music - beautiful drug.

I wanted to drink, that’s why I walked into small bar through the street.

-Good morning! Want something? - A barman girl with blue hair asked me, when I came.

-Just water please - I said taking a seat

-One dollar

Fuck, have I got any money? My hands walked into some of my pockets in jeans. I was nervous, because if I wouldn’t find this mother fucking dollar I couldn’t even drink a cup of water. Yes! I find it! A little chewed up piece of paper. I gave it to this girl.

-Something happened kiddo? You are looking tired - she said taking a bank note. …“run”…

Voices again… Today I didn’t look through the mirror, but I feel really tired like this girl said. Expect that fact, that now is a morning time.

-Hey girl? -I’m sorry, goodbye - I said and ran away from the bar.

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

Chapter 45: I’ll leave it all if you want

Hey everyone! Here is another chapter! Read it and REMEMBER there’s still another chapter to be written and EVERYTHING can change.

Don’t kill me! I hope you like it!

Love you all! ♥

Anastasia was finally getting to enjoy her new house. Living away from everything was kind of hard, but pleasant at the same time. Mandy stayed a couple of days with her friend and brought Hercules with her. Anastasia loved animals but the fact that the little dog was shitting all over the place was getting on her nerves so she was relieved when Mandy left.

 Richard also stayed some days with her, and it was a entirely different situation. Both enjoyed the pool, the view, the newly finished studio and the bed, of course.

 -          Mark’s wedding is in a couple of weeks! Finally! – Anastasia told Richard one morning while making breakfast for both.

-          It’s in England, right? – Richard asked looking at his phone.

-          Yes! The countryside, it’ll be lovely – Anastasia was pouring juice in two glasses – Steph has such great taste – Richard only looked at her for a second and smiled to turn his head down to his phone again, not saying a word so she had to ask – Are you coming with me? – Richard looked at her again, fast.

-          I have a couple of shows in Australia and then we go to Canada so I don’t think my schedule will allow it – He said with a very pitiful face.

 Anastasia already knew it, but the fact that he confirmed it made her terribly mad. She understood this type of relationship perfectly and the job both had, but she still wanted him to go to with her. She wanted to brag about their perfect relationship, she wanted to share this important family occasion with him. Lately she barely saw him, if he was traveling she was at home and vice versa.

 -          Ok – Was all she managed to say, drinking her orange juice in one gulp.

 She decided not to talk about it again with Richard and just focus in enjoying the couple of days left together. On Tuesday he left for Australia and she took a flight to London. She always managed to go to England at that time of the year, the last months, the holiday season. It was the end of November and it was already cold, she met Mandy, Peyton and Nick at her little apartment, Eric chose not to go because his mother was visiting him in California and they hadn’t seen each other in a long time.

 -          Is Richard not coming? – Mandy asked while they were dinning in a nice restaurant in the center of the city.

-          No, he has a couple of shows in Australia and Canada – Anastasia answered visually annoyed.

-          Wow, you’re mad! – Nick said laughing.

-          Like hell – She answered not smiling at all.

 Mark and Steph were the less organized couple in the world, they just didn’t like to plan things so they just did what their heart told to do. In this occasion, it was a whole weekend of celebration because of the wedding. The countryside was a couple of hours away from London so they had to take a private bus to get there. The shock came for Anastasia when she hopped on the bus and saw Josh sitting in the front next to Nick. Well, of course Josh was invited, he’d been good friends with Mark but she hadn’t see him in so long.

 Josh was wearing a black suit, a little too large for his complexion but usual for his style, and his hair was straightened so well and shiny. He looked at her, smiled, waved and returned to the conversation with Nick. It took her a good 30 seconds to react and continue the walk to her seat.

 -          Did you see a ghost? – Mandy asked her seating next to Peyton.

-          Kind of – Anastasia took seat at Mandy’s left – Josh’s here.

-          Why wouldn’t he be? – Mandy laughed – He traveled with us!

-          It’s just that I didn’t expect to see him.

-          But he is good friends with Mark!

-          I know, Mandy, it’s just that… I don’t know! I’m shook – Mandy laughed and hugged her friend.

 The weather was on Mark and Steph’s favor and the day was beautiful: blue skies, crisp wind, shining sun… perfection. The place was amazing too, a large land with white tents and purple and pink tulips, literally, everywhere. Anastasia was, of course, the maid of honor, Steph didn’t have a lot of close friends so it was natural for her to ask An to be part of such special moment. Anastasia’s dress was deep purple with her shoulders off and loose, comfortable enough to let her dance the night away. Mark was wearing a beige suit with a white shirt, while Steph’s wedding dress was long, also loose with a killer cleavage. A flower crown rested on her head, and her hair was loose with soft waves at the bottom. She looked beautiful and Mark knew it because Anastasia saw his eyes getting watery.

 An was so happy for her brother finally taking this step after all those years of relationship. Mark and Steph were meant for each other and nobody there had any doubts about it. Anastasia felt a pair of eyes on her and when she looked at the audience sitting down she saw Josh looking at her with the dumbest smile on his face, which made her release a quiet giggle.

 The ceremony was beyond beautiful. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when they told each other their vows. Barbara was probably the most emotional, and their dad, Nick, was all smiles. Mark’s mother cried a lot also. Anastasia didn’t shed a tear but the joy in her heart was huge.

 Craft beer and champagne were the drinks of the evening and the food was a wide selection of pasta and pizza, an informal meal for this informal couple. To top it all a huge ice cream bar was set at a corner.

 -          Fuck that ice cream bar – Mandy said annoyed eating an ice cream cup on her own.

-          Why? – Anastasia asked back.

-          I planned an ice cream bar for my wedding! Now I have to cancel it! – Mandy’s wedding was already planned and in a month she was going to walk down the aisle.

-          Don’t be silly! – Anastasia was sipping her fifth champagne glass – You can have everything you want – She laughed.

Mark was friends with a bunch of popular DJs and of course they all were there playing music and mixing songs and putting everyone to dance, Anastasia and Mandy included, of course. Richard was in constant touch with her through chat, she sent him a bunch of pictures and he sent her another bunch as well. While she was dancing she saw Josh looking at her again and she decided it was time to talk to him. He was alone at the bar.

 -          Never gonna get tired of watching you dance – Josh was the first to talk.

-          Never gonna get tired of you doing it – An stopped suddenly realizing that wasn’t a good line to say but she was tipsy by then. Josh just laughed – Are you enjoying the celebration?

-          It was a beautiful ceremony – Josh said – Those two finally tied the knot.

-          I know! – Anastasia didn’t know what else to say.

-          Wanna go sit down and talk? – He asked.

-          Yes – She said without thinking, about what could they possibly talk about?

 An looked at Josh as the alcohol did its effect on her. His small eyes were shining in front of the candles and the improvised lights of the decoration, he didn’t stop laughing the whole time and the conversation was fluid like the old times. She realized, at that moment, that she missed him; that even if she had another boyfriend now, Richard wasn’t Josh and he would never be.

 -          Do you wanna dance? – An asked without thinking, again.

-          Dance? – Josh laughed some more – Are you insane?

-          Come on! – She took him by his wrists and pushed him up the chair.

 Josh put up some resistance but gave up in the end. One of Mark’s friends was playing 80’s hits while Anastasia started to move her hips inviting Josh to join her. He was stiff, as stiff as he could be, she laughed and pushed him closer trying to teach him some moves, the scene was hilarious and both were laughing hard. People around, including Mark, Steph, Mandy and Nick laughed too.

 They danced until their feet hurt and Josh decided it was time for another beer. He walked Anastasia to their table and sat her down to then go and grab his beer and another champagne glass for Anastasia.

 -          I don’t know if I can drink more – Anastasia said sipping more champagne.

-          I miss our wild drinking nights on tour – Josh said and Anastasia stopped to look at him because there was so much meaning in that phrase.

-          Do you? – She asked.

-          I do – He answered understanding what she meant.

 And a special moment started and not just their eyes connected but their minds too. Anastasia smiled nervously confused about the moment. She wasn’t uncomfortable but more pleased and she could tell he was relaxed too. It was like a year ago when there were just the two of them in the world.

 They talked some more about any topic one can imaginable, except their respective significant others. An never asked him about Lauren, and Josh didn’t even dare to mention Richard. It wasn’t because they were avoiding it, but because neither of them were thinking about them for a second.

 The party ended the following morning. At around 6:00 am everybody left back to London in the same bus that took them to the wedding the day before, only now everybody was too tired to talk.

 This time, Josh decided to sit next to Anastasia. She was probably more tired than anybody and, without thinking about it, she let her head rest on Josh’s shoulder and fell asleep for the whole ride. When they were approaching London she woke up kind of ashamed for snoozing over him.

 -          It’s fine – Josh said smiling.

-          Where are you staying? – An asked him.

-          At the Ritz – He replied.

-          Uh, fancy!

-          Are you guys staying at your apartment?

-          Yes. I can’t wait to get in my bed and sleep the whole day – She said and both laughed.

 The bus stopped and An hugged Josh goodbye. Mandy and Barbara looked at her with evident suspicious eyes and she just laughed on their faces.

 An went home, took her dress and makeup off, took a long bath and went to sleep with Josh in her mind. She was in a cloud, because Josh had this power over her to just make her feel good. Despite everything that happened in the past, she just felt good around him.

Her phone beeped and it made her wake up. It wasn’t a surprise when she saw who texted her, Josh.

 “Wanna have dinner?” – She read on the screen.

“Yes!” – She typed and sent, not thinking she was about to go out with her troubled ex-boyfriend while having a man of her own back in America.

 It was cold outside so An chose warm trousers, a pair of black boots and a leather jacket. She knew that Josh wasn’t taking her to a fancy place; she always loved that about him, that he was so laid back and would rather have a good time at some pub than at an expensive restaurant.

 They met at the lobby of the Ritz and then walked to a nearby pub to enjoy a burger and some beer. Josh was being that dude she fell in love with, shy, loose, without issues, kind, caring and lovely.

 They talked, ate and drank and by the fourth beer An knew what she wanted to do with him that night. She wasn’t thinking clearly, or maybe she was thinking clearer than ever before. Richard was blocked from her brain and she wanted to be with Josh, it was like if she was drunk of him and she wanted more. Josh realized Anastasia’s attitude and that excited him, he wanted her also.

 -          I don’t know how to ask this, especially after all we went through – Josh started to talk but Anastasia interrupted him.

-          Yes, let’s go to your hotel room – She said not measuring her words.

 Those kisses, she longed for them for so long. She missed having him in her arms and she could feel he missed her the same. The way he was holding her, so tight, so respectfully, she loved that about Josh so much. She realized Josh could give her so much more than Richard could. Josh and An got in bed and made love like the old times, wild but full of love; they needed each other. That hotel room at the Ritz was a witness of all the love that they held for such a long time being finally released.

 They had sex about four times that night and next morning An woke up with a feeling of peace she didn’t feel in a long time. She got up to have a nice, long bath and when she went back to the bedroom, Josh was already awake and sitting on a big chair in front of a huge window from where you could see a big part of London. Anastasia decided to hop on his lap, none of it felt real for any of them.

 -          Here we are, looking at a skyline together – An said and Josh smiled putting his arms around her.

-          It’s our thing – He said smiling some more.

-          I love you, and it’s so fucked up because… – Anastasia stared into Josh eyes while playing with his left ear - …you hurt me so bad – She looked down.

-          I know and I will probably say sorry for that until my dying day – He said hugging her tighter.

 They stared at the view for a few minutes more without saying a word.

 -          I don’t want to wake up from this – Josh said. Anastasia looked at him realizing for the first time that weekend how open he was being.

-          We don’t have to – An said.

-          How come? – He smiled sarcastically.

-          I will leave it all for you – Anastasia looked straight to his small eyes – I will leave Richard, I’ll leave everything if you just ask me to.

-          I can’t do that – Josh’s answer wasn’t exactly what she was expecting.

-          Why? – She got up from his lap.

-          You aren’t thinking clearly here! – He shouted - Listen – He went after her – I hurt you so bad, you don’t deserve someone like me – Apparently, the “Josh with issues” came back.

-          Don’t say that! – She screamed now – You are enough for me, you are everything I want!

-          And because I love you I can’t do that to you. I don’t know if I’m gonna screw it up again and you don’t deserve that.

-          So I’ll have to wait? – Anastasia thought it was useless to keep fighting.

-          I don’t know – Josh said and Anastasia went back to the bathroom to get dressed and cry. She just cried silently, and when she opened the door he was seating in the bed looking miserably at the floor. She walked towards him to be closer.

-          I just want to say that you worth the wait. You are everything to me – An said and Josh looked up at her – Can I give you a kiss?

 That kiss felt like a goodbye. That’s how a death kiss should’ve felt.

[didiletyouknooow]

26. This Is The Place

Hey, a new chapter of Josh & Eileen!  I hope you like it! ;) P.S. I decided to give the mysterious bra Josh picked up on stage in St. Louis a cameo :D  For those of you who haven’t seen it yet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbYm1_3tH2s it’s also a great jam at the end of the concert! 

And for those of you who are interested: I made a youtube playlist with songs I already mentioned in the story, which will be mentioned and which fits to the story. I also added some of the original songs of Josh’s cover songs!  ---> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLp8i0pwZE_nNIslV8L-ianpVqHlPgzbpi

___________

March 

“Well, I guess now we have to say goodbye” Lara said when we arrived at the airport. “I guess so…” I mumbled and looked to the floor.

The last week was so intense. I almost started crying every time I thought about leaving Berlin. I hate goodbyes. But this time it was different. On the one hand I didn’t want to leave Berlin because it became my home in the last year but on the other hand I was looking forward to come back to Los Angeles. Finally Josh and I would be reunited. Back together - hopefully for a longer time. But I must admit that I was also scared. Scared of what will happen if I’m back in L.A. Would we figure out our relationship? Could we do this? Were we able to handle this situation with him touring and me staying in L.A.? Well I guess I had to ask myself: would I be able to do it? I hoped so.

Two days ago we celebrated Lara’s 30th birthday. Being 30 was always my biggest fear. I don’t know why but I always had the strange feeling that I had to accomplish so many things in life until I would turn 30. When I was a teenager I thought that I would be married by then, maybe being a mother. I thought that I would have a great job and would live in a beautiful house with my lovely husband and a dog. I never thought that my life would be like it was now. Well I had 1.5 years to go until I would hit the 30 but I didn’t think that it would change into this life I dreamed of when I was 16. My only wish right now was that Josh and I would be happy.

“Thank you so much for spending my 30th birthday with me. It was such a wonderful party and I think I will remember it even in 30 years!” Lara said with a smile on her face while hugging me. “No, I have to thank YOU! For giving me a home when I needed one after I arrived here last year” “It’s so funny that you could’ve moved in with me. It was such a great and crazy year for me as well” she said. “It was just luck” “I will miss our girl talks in the kitchen at night. Or our cleaning sessions after a party. Or watching The Bachelor together. Or just netflixing and chilling!” Lara told me and it was the first time since I saw her in February last year that there were tears in her eyes. “Oh well…..I don’t know how to handle such situations” I said with a lump in my throat. “I will miss you so much” I told her while I hold her tight. “Me too! Promise me that we stay in contact…” she said but she lost her voice. “Promise me” she whispered. “I promise” I told her. “And greet sunny California. I hope the next summer in Berlin will be as great as the last one…” Lara looked away but then back at me. “You can visit me every time” “You too!” “And greet Josh!” “I will” I said and then we caressed each other for one last time until I left to the gate. I saw Lara waving at me and I waved back. Well, seemed like this journey was over.

But the next was just about to begin.

After 10 hours we landed safety in New  Orleans. As I said I wanted to surprise Josh so I booked a ticket two days earlier to New  Orleans where the Peppers would play tomorrow. It wasn’t reasonable but I think it would be worth it. So I rebooked my tickets for Los Angeles into New Orleans. When I received my luggage – which was very heavy by the way – I left the airport and took a cab to get to the hotel. I coordinated everything with Claire. She told me at which hotel they would stay and she made sure that Josh would be there when I arrive – well at least if there wouldn’t be any delays. Fortunately there wasn’t.

So when the cab arrived at the hotel I felt very nervous. Josh didn’t know that we would meet again in a few minutes. I wonder what he was doing. The cab driver gave me my luggage and I paid and thanked him until I finally entered the hotel – after I looked up to the windows of the 4th floor sighing. The woman at the reception welcomed me. I didn’t know what to say. I only knew that I would stay here for one night but Claire didn’t tell me if she had already managed it. So I was a bit uncertain about what I should tell the receptionist. “Welcome at the Hyatt Regency New  Orleans. How can I help you?” “Hello, ehm, I’m….” I stuttered and pretended to search for a note I wrote so that I could think of what I was going to say. “I don’t know how to say this but…I think my room is already booked. Ehm…” I told the Asian woman who was one head smaller than me. She looked a bit confused. “A woman called Claire did it I guess” I said. I didn’t want to tell her that I belonged to the Chili Peppers. I mean, actually I didn’t belong to them. I only knew one of the members very well. “Claire…what’s her surname?” the receptionist wanted to know and typed on her computer. Hm, I didn’t know Claire’s name. Shit. I phoned her but she didn’t answer. Well okay, then I had to manage it differently. “So I know this sounds silly but….my boyfriend is here in this hotel. With the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He doesn’t know that I’m coming and Claire, their assistant, managed it for me so that I can stay here I guess. I mean, I will stay in his room but…” I told the lady and noticed that I blushed red. It was so awkward to tell her. “Oh right, my boss told me!” the lady suddenly smiled and gave me a key to the room. “It’s in the 4th floor. It’s a private residence. The whole band and their crew members are staying there. They booked the whole floor and your boyfriend’s room is 432. Josh Klinghoffer, right?” “Ehm, yes” I said totally speechless and then I took the key and went to the elevator. An employee of the hotel took my luggage and I almost felt bad that he would take it for me but seemed like this was typical for a hotel like this. So we went to the 4th floor and I left the elevator with butterflies in my stomach. In a few seconds I would see Josh again and he didn’t know it yet. What would he think about it? Would he be surprised? When we arrived at the room I told the employee that I would do the rest on my own and thanked him. When he went away I took a deep breathe and finally knocked at room 432 – although I had the key. It felt like an eternity until the door was opened. But there he was. Josh. His face changed from being very surprised into smiling when he saw me. “Eileen???” You can tell he really didn’t know anything about my plan. Claire kept her word to not tell him about it. “What are you….ehm, what are you doing here?” “Well, I was in the city so I thought it would be a great idea to visit my boyfriend who is in the same city either!” I joked but then everything in me freaked out. I fell around his neck and kissed him so passionately and wild that Josh was even more surprised. He slammed the door as we took a few steps into his room without leaving our kiss. “I missed you so much!” I said into our kiss. “I missed you too!” he whispered. Finally we fell into his bed while still kissing and hugging. I could have kept kissing him for like hours but Josh suddenly ended our kiss. “Wow, this really surprised me. You really did it Eileen” he chuckled. “I never thought you would come earlier” “Well, here I am!” I laughed and flung my arms around his neck again. We just laid there for a few minutes, looking into each others eyes. “I’m so happy you’re here” Josh said with a calm voice. I smiled. After a few seconds of silence between us I got up from bed to put my shoes and my jacket off. “Uff, I’m so exhausted from this flight” I let him know. “Do you want something to drink?” Josh said and offered me something from his mini-bar. “Water please” While I was drinking the water Josh took my luggage and put it next to his bags. “So ehm what are we gonna do today?” He asked. “I don’t know” “Actually I wanted to take a walk through the city and Chad and Flea asked me to join them in a bar later.” “Sounds great!” I said. 

So we walked from the hotel to the French Quarter which was famous for its typical buildings with wrought-iron ornaments and balconies with flowers on it – lakeside the Mississippi. We visited the Jackson Square, a memorial of General Jackson. We walked along the Mississippi to the French Market Place and had delicious lunch in a tiny little restaurant. Josh told me about their last concerts and that he already felt a bit exhausted because of touring. The concert in New Orleans would be the last for 2.5 weeks. Then they would tour the South and later the West coast. I told him about my new job which I would start in the middle of March. My best news was that I found an apartment! Well, not I found it but my brother did. He knew someone who was searching for a new tenant so he asked if I could get it. Very simple, right? Well, this time it worked. Marc visited it for me and took some photos. It was beautiful. Three rooms with a small balcony. It was located in Silver Lake which was great! I liked this area and I always wanted to live there. Before I left for Berlin I lived in Huntington  Park. Josh was happy when I told him about my news and we celebrated the day – our reunion, my new home and our future!

Before we went to our meeting with Chad and Flea we walked along the Mississippi again. We watched the sunset and took a photo of us there. I sent it to Lara.

 “Hey Lara! Just landed safety here in New Orleans. Josh was soooo happy and he was completely surprised to see me here! We walked through the city, it’s so beautiful! We took this photo at the Mississippi!

From Nola with LOVE <3”

Later we walked back to the French Quarter where we met Chad and Flea. They were surprised when they saw me so it seemed that Claire didn’t tell anyone about my plans.  We walked along the Bourbon Street and I was totally blown away by the lights, the people and everything. So many bars and restaurants and there was music from everywhere. We went into a bar and had some drinks. Chad told some crazy stories about the 90s when he and a friend had a funny weekend in New Orleans. Flea agreed and told us some stories about a tour in the 90s when everything got a bit out of control. Josh and I just sat there listening to their stories like they were our grandparents.

Chad ordered a cab that took us to a bar called Marple Leaf. Josh told me it was a typical Jazz bar and he was here once before. The bar was very small with red walls and golden lights. There was a jazz band playing live on stage. We took a seat and had another beer. When Chad and Josh left the bar for smoking Flea and I had a little chat. “Well you really surprised Josh I think” he said while drinking his beer. “I guess so” “It’s a great idea!” Flea laughed and you could see the gap between his teeth. “I was hoping he’ll be happy if we could meet two days earlier. I mean, it’s been more than a month now” “I know…it’s always a long time being far away from home when we’re on the road. For Josh it was never a problem at least I’ve never seen him complaining about it. But this time it was different. I think he really missed you” Wow, I was happy hearing these words from Flea but it also scared me. “I think he’s happy with you Eileen” he let me know. “And that’s a good part, you know, he always seemed like a lone wolf sometimes, he sealed himself from us a lot after this Mia-thing happened. But now he’s happy again and I’m happy for him!” Flea told me. Again I didn’t know what to say. His words made me kind of speechless so I just smiled. “There you are!” Flea laughed when Chad and Josh came back. Josh kissed my bow when he sat down at his seat and we ordered another beer – the last for this night.

After we left the bar Josh and I decided that the night wasn’t over yet. We drove back to Bourbon Street because he wanted to show me one of the oldest jazz clubs he visited when he was 20. So we walked along the street but now it was different. There were many drunken people who yelled at us. They were partying and went totally crazy. Josh couldn’t find the club so after a few minutes walking along the Bourbon Street we decided to turn around and get back to the hotel. But just right after we turned around there were some guys who shouted at us and one guy wanted to touch me but Josh yelled at him to stop it. They left but all we wanted was to get back home soon. He put his arm around me and we went directly back to the hotel without stopping at any other bar although the people were celebrating and drinking as if it was New Years Eve.

When we were standing in the elevator I thought about the day and how special it was to me. I’ve never been to New  Orleans before and I must say that I love this city. I love its look, its people and its history. I loved the Bourbon Street when we walked there in the evening but hated it at night. I was happy that I was with Josh because without him I wouldn’t feel safe enough. 

Back at the hotel we weren’t tired yet. Although I had jet lag I still had this surprise planned for Josh. Lara gave me some advices but when I arrived here I didn’t know if I should really do it. But now after I had some beers I wanted to do it. I also wore a new bra and this must be shown, right? So when we arrived at our hotel room I initiated a kiss which turned into a long and passionate kissing scene. We fell onto the bed and what followed was a mixture of kissing and hugging and wallowing around. I missed these kisses from Josh and I missed him. I missed his smell and ruffling his hair. And I missed his beard. It felt so close although we even weren’t naked yet but I just needed to feel his closeness. It warmed me and I felt save in his arms.

After some romantic moments we shared on the bed with our clothes on I started undressing my shirt. “Wow, what’s happening here?” Josh laughed. “Well, I bought this new bra and I thought you should know it” I grinned before I started kissing him again while I was sitting on his lap. “You’re totally right!” he said when he put his arms around my neck so we got closer. “And it looks totally hot” he chuckled while looking at my bra. “Is it black and pink?” “It is!” I grinned and our lips met again. This time it got a bit more passionate. I put his shirt off and threw it away. Wow, I felt totally sexy in this new bra and with the alcohol circulating in my blood. So I let my fingers drive through his hair and kissed his neck, his collarbone and his chest. We were only wearing our lingerie and boxers when I braced up. I think Josh wanted to go further now but I had this idea I wanted to share with him. “So” I said while leaving the bed but didn’t leave his hand. “What about something new?” “Ehm, leaving bed right before the highlight? Eileeeen!” Josh complained. “Not really…Come with me” I told him and he followed me into the bathroom. “Okay….now we’re here and what’s next?” he asked a bit confused. Hm, I guess I kind of destroyed the feeling we had a few moments ago. But I didn’t care. I knew him. So I started kissing again and pulled him against the wall. “Wow, what’s happening here?” Josh laughed into our kiss. Again I ruffled his hair – I knew he loved it – but then I went a bit down and finally pulled him into the shower. “Ehm, wait, shower sex?” he asked confused. “Why not?” I grinned and pulled him closer so that we could continue kissing. So we kissed and hugged and I noticed his breathe getting faster when suddenly right before we wanted to get rid of our underwear the shower head was turned on and we were totally shocked because of the cold water. “Ouch, my eyes!” Josh shouted and rubbed his eyes. He stumbled a few steps back and finally slipped because of the slippery ground. He then blundered and fell to the cold bathroom floor. It all happened so quickly that I couldn’t stop him from falling. “JOSH!” I shouted shocked. I left the shower to check on him. He was lying on the floor holding his head. “Did you get hurt?” I asked but I saw the answer myself. His forehead was bleeding. He had a cut on his eyebrow. “Shit!” I swore and knelt down at him. “Ouch my head” he said. “You’re bleeding!” I noticed and gave him some toilet papers. “Thanks” “What a terrible idea I had….I’m so sorry….honestly! I’m so, so, SO sorry! I didn’t want to hurt you!” “I know” he chuckled. “At least nothing more happened” ”Is your head okay? Did you fell on it?” “No I didn’t. I guess it’s okay. It’s just my eyebrow that’s bleeding” he told me while he was still sitting on the cold floor. At that moment someone was knocking at the door. It was in the middle of the night. Who the hell was knocking? “Can you check the door, please? Maybe it’s someone from the crew” Josh said and so I went to the door.

When I opened it I looked into a familiar face. It was Anthony. “Hey Eileen, sorry to interrupt you but….I’ve heard some noises and cries from your room and I wanted to check if everything’s okay” he said in a very worried voice. “Ehm, hi Anthony, well everything’s fine.” “Nothing happened?” he looked at me questioning. I guess I couldn’t lie to him because I was too shocked about what just happened. “Well, Josh fell in the bathroom, that’s all” I decided to tell him. “But he didn’t hurt himself?” “Ehm, I don’t think so….” I said and looked to Josh who was still sitting on the floor in the bathroom. “Oh okay….” Anthony looked at me. I was wearing a bathrobe but obviously I wore it the wrong way round. I didn’t want to know what he was thinking because now he cracked a smile. “Okay, I just wanted to check if everything’s okay” he said. “But if anything is wrong, let me know if I can help” he said and left. “Right, thank you Anthony” I said like in a trance. Then I closed the door. What the fuck. 

“Who was it?” Josh asked from the bathroom floor. “It was Anthony” “Oh no, why did he knock?” “He wanted to know if everything’s fine here because he heard some noises and cries” “Great….what did you tell him?” Josh was sarcastic. “That you fell in the bathroom?” “Honestly? Eileen!” ”I didn’t know what to tell him! He looked so worried!” ”At least you could’ve tell him that everything’s fine here and he just heard some noises that weren’t there” “I couldn’t!” “Hmmm….” When I came back to the bathroom Josh got up and sat down at the little bench which stood there. “Sorry….I didn’t want to hurt you. I just thought it would be a great idea to…” ”To have sex in the shower?” Josh raised an eyebrow when he asked this question. Well the one that didn’t get hurt. “Yes” I mumbled. “Why?” he laughed. “Why now?” “Because I wanted to surprise you” “You did!” ”Not just with flying to New Orleans…I wanted to surprise you in other ways” “With sex?” “Not only with sex but with…something new” ”Yeah, but why?” “I don’t know!” I spoke louder. “I thought maybe we should try something new” I sighed. Josh didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. “Why did you think so? Were you bored?” he looked confused. “No! I wasn’t! I thought maybe you were….” “You thought I was bored???? No…why do you think so?” “I don’t know” I shrugged. “Because I’m a silly girl who missed her boyfriend so much that she got crazy when thinking about all this opportunities he gets on tour” I finally told him the truth. “Eileen” he said with a smooth voice and took my hand. “You don’t have to be worried.. I don’t want you to be worried. Remember, you can trust me? Can I trust you?”  “Definitely” “So then, what’s wrong?” I didn’t know. I think I acted silly and dumb. “I guess I behaved like a silly teenager when you were on tour in February” “Really? But why?” “Because I missed you! I wanted to see you but I couldn’t. It wasn’t easy for me dealing with the fact that you’re on tour and meet many strangers” “Why do you think I meet many strangers on tour?” “Because I….well I don’t know” I sighed. Josh put his arm around me and pulled me closer. “Eileen, listen to me. You don’t have to be worried or jealous or anything, okay? I love you and I don’t want to meet other women. Not in L.A., not in Berlin and mostly not on tour!” “Okay” “And I love you just the way you are. I love our relationship and I’m happy with you. You don’t have to pretend to be a sexy vamp if you’re feeling uncomfortable. We don’t have to have shower sex if we both don’t want it. I mean, look what’s going to happen if we try it” he laughed. “I don’t have to try new things. I’m not dissatisfied. I’m happy, totally happy with you in every department. It doesn’t mean that I’m not open for new things but….you don’t have to do it just to make me stay. I stay anyway” he chuckled and looked me in the eyes. Honestly this was the best he could say after this embarrassing moment.

He took my hand and we went back into bed. I gave him a plaster for his eyebrow and we cuddled in bed. I didn’t want to do anything else now and I think neither did Josh. So after some cuddling we fell asleep.

  The next day passed by very fast. We had nice breakfast, Josh went to the arena for sound check while I visited a book store in New Orleans. Later I went to the concert and afterwards we had some drinks with the crew. Again a tour leg was over so every one was leaving for L.A. on the next day. 

It was a bit weird for me flying with the private jet back to L.A. but well, I couldn’t change it. Back at the airport Anthony and Flea said us goodbye. Flea was on his own while Anthony had his son Everly Bear with him and of course a nanny. Chad didn’t come with us to L.A. because he flew back to New York City to his family. I didn’t know that he also lived in NYC. So when Claire and the other boys went to the exit Josh stopped me from following them. “What’s wrong?” I asked befuddled. “Let’s wait a few minutes” he said. “Okay…but why?” we sat down at a bench at the lobby of LAX. “You know, there are paparazzis out there. Anthony and Flea don’t really care about them but…I do. I hate them. I don’t like being photographed or filmed by them. So I always wait for a few minutes until the others have left the airport and with them the paparazzis. Then I can leave the airport without being filmed” he told me. Wow I didn’t know it. Sure Josh and I had spent some time together in Los Angeles but we weren’t at crowded places. “I didn’t know that it bothered you so much” I said while holding his hand. “It’s okay….maybe I would go outside if I would be on my own. But now you’re with me and I don’t want you to be filmed or photographed by annoying paparazzis” he let me know and while he was saying these words to me he looked me deeply in the eyes. “Oh…okay then let’s just wait” I smiled. For a few minutes we watched people passing us and out of a sudden we saw Jennifer Anniston walking through the lobby followed by some assistants and photographers. This was the moment we left our seats and went outside – sunglasses covered our faces. Nobody noticed Josh so we walked to a black van that was waiting for us. It was still very strange for me that Josh was driven by a driver although we were in L.A. but he told me that this just belonged to the service the management booked for the band. So he always thanks the guy who drives him and gives him a lot of tip. Just like today. While we left the airport I watched Jennifer Anniston arriving at a black Bentley to flee from the paparazzis. Hollywood sucks.

 The next days we spent at Josh’s house until I could move into my new flat. I was so thankful that Marc had organized me this beautiful flat. Josh and I visited it together and he also liked it very much. It was tiny but beautiful. I could move into the flat in two weeks just right before Josh had to leave for the next tour.

But before, we spent some quality time as a couple. Watching films, hanging out, cooking, walking through the streets. We even drove to Venice Beach and walked along the beach. It was not that hot but it wasn’t as cold as it was in Berlin. I had to acclimatize myself! Finally I could eat all this unhealthy stuff from the US which I missed in Germany. I bought some pop tarts, jelly beans, twinkies and skittles. And of course American peanut butter! Sure you can also buy it in Germany but it doesn’t taste as good as in the USA.

After some more days we spent together we developed a morning routine together. Josh was totally into reading newspapers so when we breakfasted we switched the newspapers after reading without saying anything. I loved him for buying me some earl grey tea and for inviting me to a sweet little café where you can also read books. I loved this place! And I loved that we acted and harmonized so good as a couple. After spending five days only with each other without any other person it was kind of strange going back to reality again. But I had to manage some things for my flat and later I had a meeting at the school where I would start working in two weeks. It was still so unbelievable that this time I had luck. They hired me.

Josh and I brought my old furnishings to my new home in Silver Lake. I stored them in my parents’ basement when I left Steve’s and my apartment.   “Wow, that’s all that I own apparently” I realized after we brought everything into my new home. “A desk, a chair, an armchair, some lights, an old TV and some boxes with stuff” “Looks like you have to buy some new things or do you wanna sleep in your armchair?” Josh asked.  “Question is, do YOU wanna sleep in it?” I laughed. So we went to a furniture shop. I looked for a new bed and a new cupboard. The good thing about my new home was that the kitchen was already implemented so I didn’t have to buy one. My old sofa would be perfect for the little living room together with my e-piano and some books. Oh and sure, I had this old TV. “I get you a new TV” Josh suddenly said when I just bought my new bed which would be delivered next week. It was white and beautiful and of course it was big enough for two people in it! I was so excited to sleep in it for the first time! “Why do you want to buy me a new TV?” “Because yours is from 1950 or so” he joked and we went to the electronic area of the shop. “But I don’t really watch TV” “Netflix, films, series….” Josh enumerated. “Or live concerts of your handsome boyfriend!” he grinned. “Of course!” So he chose a TV for me because I didn’t know anything about electronic stuff and I didn’t really care which features the TV had. But Josh did so he had a long talk with the assistant about technical features until he finally decided which one I should get.  “Again, Josh, you don’t have to buy it for me” I repeated myself. “But I want to!” ”Why?” “Because I love you!” he smiled and kissed me. Well, what should I respond to it except of saying “Thank you”? Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do. 

So we furnished my apartment together with Marc and my dad. Josh turned out to be a real handyman when it comes to fixing problems and painting a wall. My dad and he got a long very well and always joked when they did a little rest. I sometimes just watched them working and joking together. Marc always ordered some food for us and he painted my kitchen together with Josh. So at the end of the week I could move here I guessed.

 But before, Josh wanted to take me to a Lakers game. “I wasn’t at a Lakers game for a very long time” I told him. “Me neither” “Well, I guess it’s only a few months” “Nine month to be honest” “Four years” “Okay you won” he laughed. So we drove to Staples Center. When we arrived there the streets were already very crowded but Josh could enter the parking block. Finally we went to the side entrance. “Uhm, maybe I should’ve told you that we have seats in the front row” he said while we were standing at the side entrance. “Flea organized them so we have to wait for him” Josh told me. “But you know, I just want to warn you. The press will take photos of the front row. They always do” “Okay….what’s wrong with it? I don’t have a problem with it” “It’s just…I wanted to warn you!” he repeated. Flea welcomed us. He was with a beautiful woman who was one head taller than him. She had brown hair and looked very pretty but also a bit younger than him. Her name was Sarah. We entered the Staples Center and after a little walk through the foyer a guide brought us to our seats. Well okay, this was REALLY the front row. “It’s like we’re almost sitting at the pitch. Like we have to take part in the game. Do we have to take part?” I laughed but was also astonished because of our seats. “No we don’t have to” Josh grinned. “But it’s like I said”

The game began. Lakers against Dallas Mavericks.

“Dirk Nowitzki is still such a hero!” Josh said after the Mavericks took the lead. “I know” “Is he a hero in Germany?” “Ehm, kind of. But you know, he’s playing in the US and since Basketball isn’t really popular in Germany people know him but don’t really care about it” “Hmm….so sad. He’s such a good boy and always so handsome!” “Just like you!” I smiled and we kissed. I really hoped that there wasn’t any kiss camera that would catch us right now. But there wasn’t.   

While Josh and Flea went to buy some drinks and stuff during the break I kept watching the people around us. A few seats apart from us there were Zach Efron accompanied by a pretty girl who he was flirting with. Then I saw David Beckham with his kids on the other side of the pitch. WTF! Next to Flea there was Mindy Kaling from “The Mindy Project”. Oh I LOVED this show! I was thinking about asking her for a photo but I didn’t know if I should do it. She was here as a private person I guessed. But when I saw Leonardo DiCaprio just a few seats next to her my jaw almost dropped. So many celebrities! I didn’t know where I should stare at next. The game got more and more irrelevant for me. I was still marveling because of the people in the crowd! “Everything’s fine? How do you like the game?” Josh asked when he came back. “I bought us a coke” “Thanks!” I smiled. “Oh how I missed these 1.5 liter cups!” In Germany it wasn’t usual to buy 1.5 liter cups. “I hope the Lakers can come back. It’s only 47:53. They can still do it!” Josh was very optimistic because he didn’t want his Lakers to lose. But I didn’t think they could do it. Well, I didn’t disagree with his positivism. “Let’s see” I said while drinking my coke. “After the game we can meet Dirk” Josh told me. “Really? Why?” “Flea just introduced himself to their manager and well…you know how he is. When he gets into talking…” “Oh I know” I laughed. The game continued.  Apparently the Lakers couldn’t make it in the end. They lost 70:89. So when the game was over we went back into the foyer. On the way there I suddenly ran into Mindy Kaling and I couldn’t stop asking her for a picture. She was so nice and maybe I was the luckiest girl in the whole Staples Center. Josh took the photo and when she noticed who he was she wanted to take a pic with him, too. Crazy story.

After the game we were waiting in a VIP area where Dirk Nowitzki showed up for a few minutes. He was SO tall! Although he wasn’t playing for the Lakers Flea and Josh mutated into two little fanboys who greeted him and took a photo with him. “Hey, nice to meet you” I said while shaking his hand. So this time I was the one taking a photo of Flea and Josh with Dirk. He gave me his phone but it wasn’t working. “Where do I have to….urghs, I hate Apple. Where is the button to…” I moaned. “Scheiße” I said to myself but finally I could figure it out. “Did she say scheiße?” Dirk Nowitzki asked laughingly. But Josh and Flea didn’t understand what I just said. “Are you German?” He asked me. I looked at him completely shocked. “Ehm, ja” he laughed and we started talking for a few minutes in German. He was such a nice guy, just like Josh who was standing next to us watching without knowing what we were talking about. 

“Wow, in the end you just talked with Dirk Nowitzki in German. That’s unfair” Josh laughed. “Why?” “Because I couldn’t understand anything” “Ohhhh, poor little Josh” I joked. “Yes…” We were leaving the Staples Center. Out on the streets there were many paparazzis who were looking for celebrities in the crowd. Josh and I were holding hands and were walking very fast to his car. I couldn’t really notice it but I guess there was someone taking a photo of us. But maybe he photographed Flea. Back in the car we felt save again. “That’s what I don’t like about a Lakers game” Josh told me while we were passing the paparazzis and some wannabe celebrities in the car on the streets.

When we got back home Josh watched some TV to check the other games of the NBA. I joined him but eventually fell asleep with my head on his shoulder.  Later that week I finally moved into my new home! I was so excited. Sure it was great that Josh and I spent so much time together in the last two weeks. We were together 24/7. But I was happy to get some time for myself in the next weeks. So after a wonderful day at the beach where we watched the sunrise we fell asleep in my new bed that had just arrived. It’s said that the things you dream of in the first night at your new home will come true. Well, I hoped they will come true…. 

Then it was time to finally say goodbye to Josh again. He would tour the next two weeks so I had enough time to settle down in my new apartment without leaving it for visiting my boyfriend. So I kissed him goodbye in the morning before he left to the airport for their next leg starting in Nebraska.

While enjoying the sun at my little balcony I scrolled through my phone and found this pic Josh and I took in New  Orleans last week. Actually there were two photos. The one I sent to Lara was a selfie but there was another one Chad took of us. It showed us from the back. We were both looking at the Mississippi. I wanted to share it because I was so happy with him and it captured this perfect day in New Orleans perfectly. So I decided to post it on Instagram. Since my account was private I didn’t expect that it would be shared by some fans. It didn’t really show us. So I typed “From Nola with Love” in the caption and posted it. In a few weeks I would’ve wished I wouldn’t have done it…

It was also the time when I was starting my new job. The next day I woke up very early to be dead on time at the school. My new boss Ms. McCannister welcomed me and showed me around before she introduced me to my two grades where I would teach History and German. It was a combined Junior-Senior High School so I had a 7th grade and a 9th grade. But the students were very nice to me and I did what I had prepared for the first day at school. That sounds funny, my first day at school but this time from the other side of the blackboard. Crazy how times can change. Two years ago I did some internship at a school and even taught some English when I was studying in Berlin. But I never really taught in the US but here I was. Ms. Eileen Puritz, History and German teacher at a high school in Pasadena. __________ Beautiful song which fits to the chapter:

[boy-at-a-bus-stop]

hello, i’m sorry it took me literally ages to update this story but this chapter was kind of hard to write but now here it is, and i hope you like it. it seems like tumblr still dislikes my quotation marks, they were again turned into some weird sings on here and i agan corrected all of them but well, we’ll see if it worked out this time (and i’m sorry if it doesn’t). Anyway, i hope you like this chapter, and i’d love to get a bit more feedback on this because i have literally no idea if there’s anything you like or dislike about my writing... so yeah, i hope you like this and thanks for reading!!!

Seven

Needless to say Josh left me utterly confused that night. I just couldn't make sense out of what had just happened, I tried to find a logical explanation, and of course the first thing that came to mind was that he was so drunk that he couldn't think straight and didn't mean what he said. There was no way he meant it. Or maybe I misinterpreted what he had said. I mean, you can love someone as a friend, right? I sometimes tell my friends that I love them. As friends. There's nothing wrong with that, right? And after all I could just have misheard what he had said. 

I couldn't really sleep that night. I went to bed right after Josh had hung up but I just couldn't sleep. I think didn't sleep a single minute that night. Instead I wasted my time overthinking, trying to figure out what had happened, trying to figure out my feelings towards Josh and worrying about his well-being. After laying in bed for about two hours it started to get light outside and I decided to get out of bed even though I was still tired as fuck and I felt like a truck had run me over.

The only good thing about me being up this early was the beautiful lighting in the living room. Or better said the kitchen, the light came in through the kitchen window but it also made the living room look beautiful and fresh. 'Fresh' is the keyword. I went to the bathroom and did what normal people do there in the morning, I don't think I need to go into detail here, and then tried to find something to do to keep myself busy for a bit. It was around 7 am when I really had nothing left to do, so it was definitely too early to drive over to Josh's place. I again tried to read, but my brain just didn't want to understand the sense behind these black letters in front of me. I read the same few sentences over and over again but they just didn't make sense to me, not in the slightest. My brain just couldn't or wouldn't let go of the worry and confusion that was still in there. And I didn't know how to ignore it or get rid of it. So I stopped reading and took a look at the clock again. It was 7:30. Okay, if I left now i'd be at Josh's place around 8. Still quite early but I just couldn't wait another hour or thirty minutes or whatever, even the thought of waiting another 10 minutes seemed unbearable to me. 

So I left shortly after 7:30 am and reached the apartment building where Josh lived around 8:15. I took a few deep breaths before ringing the doorbell, not really knowing what to expect. I rang the doorbell once and waited a few minutes. Nothing happened. I rang the doorbell again. Still, no answer. That didn't really help my worry to be honest. I felt my fingers shake slightly as I rang the doorbell for a few solid seconds the next time, and this time I heard some weird sounds inside the apartment just a little bit later. “I'm on my way...”, I heard a raspy voice say, then something fell onto the floor and a swell of swearwords followed. I supposed that Josh was looking for his keys. A few minutes later he locked open the door and opened it. His hair was a curly mess, he looked tired as fuck, his t-shirt was stained and the only thing he was wearing apart from that stained t-shirt was a pair of boxer shorts. The smell of alcohol was evident and he didn't appear to be all too sober. How would he be sober when he only just stopped drinking about four hours ago? “Hey...”, was all he said when he saw me, seemingly trying to escape my gaze. 

“Hi. Won't you let me in?”, I responded a few seconds later of speechlessness. Even though I wasn't surprised to see Josh like this I was still kind of taken aback. “Oh, yeah of course, sorry”, he mumbled as he stepped aside to let me pass. I walked into the living room, Josh following close behind me. There were quite a few empty bottles of beer and whatever else and one more than half-empty bottle of wine standing on the living room floor. I sighed as I saw this. “Did you drink all of that?”, I asked an unnecessary question and turned around to face Josh who was standing behind me. Josh just nodded in response. I sighed once more. Sighing had become kind of a hobby of mine it seems.”Okay...  I suggest you go take a shower and change into some clean clothes and then we'll go have breakfast, alright?” “Yeah...”, he mumbled as he started walking towards the bathroom. “And I won't clean up the mess if you have to throw up...”, I mumbled to myself.

I started tidying up the living room, I got rid of the empty bottles, put the cushions that were laying on the floor back on the sofa and so on and so forth. You know what I mean, don't you? While I was doing this I started talking to myself in a low voice without noticing it. I sometimes do this when there are a lot of confusing thoughts in my head or if I have to make an important decision. I don't know why but somehow actually saying these things out loud, forming the words in my mouth and sending them out into the world instead of just thinking them made deciding easier, even if it was just myself I was talking to. So I more or less silently discussed with myself whether I should ask Josh about what he had said just before hanging up the phone the night before. I think you can guess what happened. 

I was in the living room tidying up and discussing this topic with myself as Josh came back. And I didn't notice him coming back. So the result was that he was standing in a relatively far away corner of the room (did I mention that his apartment was tiny? Yeah?) and heard what I was mumbling to myself. “What are you talking about?”, Josh then all of a sudden said what (obviously) made me jump because I hadn't noticed his presence until then. “Oh, uh, nothing, I was just thinking.. about a minor problem.. with my dad.. but it's no big deal, I just..”, I stuttered, trying to come up with a believable story. “Oh... okay... I'm sorry for making you jump by the way, I didn't mean to...” “It's fine, it's fine”, I said, glad that I had gotten away with my crappy explanation that wasn't even a real explanation in the first place. But something in the way he looked at me told me that he didn't buy this 100%. Josh had heard something in my soliloquy, he knew that there was something up. I knew that he knew that I had been talking about something different and I guessed that he guessed that it had to do with him but he wasn't sure and I wasn't sure either and since he didn't say anything I decided to not say anything either and just do the thing I always did and still do sometimes which is applying the totally immature and silly strategy of ignoring my problems and not talking about them to the person who could probably help solving them and just hoping for the problems to magically disappear without me ever having to deal with them. Sometimes it actually works, though. And sometimes this just makes things get more awkward by the minute, especially if the problem isn't a 'real', normal problem but an awkward, social one. Just like in this case...

So we found ourselves sitting at a table in a small diner down the street from where Josh lived and having breakfast just a few minutes later. Eating always helps when you drank too much, at least it does for me, and it seemed like it did help Josh quite a lot. I think he still had enough alcohol in his system by that time. He was moving slowly, probably trying to prevent the dizziness from intensifying and it made me smile a bit. As much as I liked him and as much as I hated seeing him trying to drink his worries away, it still somehow amused me a bit to see him deal with the affects of drinking a bit too much alcohol. And maybe it'd teach him something. “Are you okay?”, I asked looking at Josh as he slowly ate his scrabbled eggs. He just as slowly looked up from his plate, forcing a small smile on his face. “Yeah, i'm okay”, he mumbled,”Just.. a bit dizzy...” I couldn't help but smile to myself. Knowing that he would be perfectly fine in a few hours and there was nothing to worry about when it came to his health, this was a pretty amusing situation. We stayed silent for a few minutes, just eating our food. “So, what happened between Bob and you?”, I then asked after a few minutes. “Oh well...”, Josh sighed and looked up at me, scratching his neck uncomfortably,”Do you want to hear the long version or the short one?” “Whichever you prefer”, I responded. “Okay so... Bob and I had a fight about... whatever... and he threw a glass bottle at me and it was pure luck that he didn't hit me with it.. and well, it broke when it hit the wall right nex to my face. So yeah, in that moment I decided that was enough and I quit the band and stormed outside... But after a few minutes I regretted quitting and went back to talk to Bob but he had left already. So I checked if you were around but you weren't so I left you the note... And yeah, you know what happened afterwards...”, Josh explained. 

“Yeah, I know what happened afterwards... So what do you want to do now?”, I asked and took a sip of coffee. “I don't know... I mean I want to rejoin the band somehow... But I know I can't do this anymore if Bob doesn't change and I want him to apologize, he can't do something like this and think he'll just get away with it”, Josh sighed and went back to eating. I didn't really know what to do either. I could definitely understand that Josh didn't want to do this anymore if things didn't change but at the same time I felt like it would be a huge mistake if Josh just gave up and Bob made the the album with a different person. I felt like Josh would miss a huge chance and that he would regret it later. On the other hand I doubted that Bob would apologize or do anything like that. It wouldn't fit him. If there was one thing Bob was bad at it was admitting that he was wrong or that he had made a mistake. And I still wasn't sure if Bob really wanted to make this album with Josh or if he just wanted to make an album and Josh was just the first person he came across so he asked him but he didn't really care if it was Josh or someone else. I hoped he wanted to really do it with Josh in the first place but I really wasn't sure. If Bob cared there was a small chance that he would apologize, if he didn't care... well then the recording with Josh was probably over. I really didn't know how Bob saw Josh in this project and in general. But as I said before, Bob isn't a bad person. Yeah, it might seem like he is, but he really isn't, not in normal life. So I couldn't believe that Bob would just replace Josh and make someone else play on the album. And maybe he'd want to give it another try. I definitely had to talk to him and try to convince him to apologize to Josh. “

“Maybe I should ask if YOU are okay?”, Josh interrupted my train of thought and brought me back to reality. ”Sorry, I just thought about... this whole situation and what to do about it”, I said and took a sip from my coffee just to see that it was cold by now. “So did you come to a conclusion?”, he asked and I shook my head.”Not really... I got an idea, though, I just don't know if it'll work”, I then said in a low voice. Josh raised his eyebrows at my comment. “So what so you want to do?” “You'll see soon enough”, I said and grinned at him. “You won't tell me?” “Not yet...”, I responded. To be completely honest, i didn’t really have a plan in the first place. All i wanted to do was talk to Bob and persuade him to apologize. Josh had finished eating by then and we sat there for a few more minutes, just looking out of the window at the people passing by. Then I paid for both of our meals, we left and headed back to Josh's apartment. “You really won't tell me?!”, Josh then asked again as we were standing in front of his door. “No I won't. There isn't really anything to to say to be honest. I'm really not sure if it'll work but i'll do my best”, I said and then added just a few seconds later, “But there's one thing.. Could you give me John's phone number” Josh looked at me, obviously confused. “Why do you need John's phone number?” ”I think he could help me solve this... problem”, I mumbled. Josh still looked confused but he didn't ask any more questions because he probably knew that I wouldn't answer them anyway. I gave him my phone, he saved John's phone number on it and gave it back to me. 

“Don't text him, he never responds to text messages, just call him and pray for him to answer the phone”, Josh then said and turned away from me to lock open his front door and enter his apartment. “Uhm okay... In this case i'll try to contact him and... Can I leave you alone without having to be afraid that you drink some more?”, I mumbled, fearing an unfriendly reaction from Josh's side. “Yeah of course, i'll look after myself, I promise”, he chuckled and smiled for the very first time that day. “Okay, don't forget to drink a lot of water and eat enough, I swear that'll help”, I said, smiling back at him”Thank you, Ally”, Josh then said in a low voice, looking down at the floor. “Oh, there's nothing to thank for, Josh, really”, I mumbled, not really knowing what to say. “You're... you're an amazing friend, you know...”, he said after a minute of silence and to my great surprise I felt that he took my hand in his one and caressed the back of my hand with his thumb for a few seconds. I felt myself blush and couldn't help but stare at his hand holding mine. He let go too soon for my taste and opened the front door, then he faced me again and said, “You're a really, really, really good friend, Ally. Call me when you talked to Bob” Then he closed the door and, again, left me alone with my thoughts and my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, again. This seemed to become a habit of my heart and leaving me confused seemed to become Josh's habit. Why couldn't he just send clear signals for once? Why couldn't he just tell me how he felt about me? Maybe he didn't know how he felt about me, maybe he had the exact same problem as I had. But at the same time I felt like my heart had already decided, like I knew how I was feeling about him deep down. I was just too blind to see it - or too afraid to admit it.

I sighed as I walked down the stairs and left the apartment building. As I was sitting in my car I dialed John's number - of course John didn't answer the phone so I drove home and then called him again. This time he answered the phone. “Hello?”, was the very first thing he said. “Hey, it's me, Ally” “Oh hey Ally, what's the matter?”, John didn't seem all too surprised that I had his phone number. John has this kind of thing when he somehow just knows things, he somehow knows what's going to happen, not that I want to say that he can predict the future but... he kinda can. He's just got this special kind of intuition and it's really hard to surprise him. “I think I need your help...”, I started and told him what had happened. “So what do you think I should do? Do you want me to talk to Bob?”, John asked after I had finished. “Yeah, I thought maybe you could persuade him to apologize to Josh and give it another try”, I said. “Okay... but it think it'd be better if we both talked to him, you know?”, John responded. “Yeah, that's alright” “Okay, i'll call Bob right now and ask him if we can talk” “Perfect, see you soon, bye”, I responded. “Bye”, John said and hung up.

About half an hour later the doorbell rang and as I answered the door I saw John stand outside alone. “Hey, Bob will come over soon, I hope you're okay with this but if you're not..”, he started as soon as I had opened the door. “Yeah that's perfectly fine”, I interrupted him and invited him in. “How are you doing?”, I asked as I walked into the living room, John following me. “I'm alright, I have a lot to do, you know, but I'm alright”, he said and then asked how I was doing. I started talking about my dad and Susan and so on. I had just brought up the courage to tell John about my confusion and my feelings towards Josh when the doorbell was rung again. I answered the door and let in a tired-looking Bob who gave me a small smile when he saw me. Soon we all sat around the dinner table, John and me on one side, Bob on the other side. Bob really looked as if he hadn't slept a single second last night. Maybe he really hadn't. Maybe he had been worrying all night, just like me, about Josh, about what had happened, about the future. Maybe Bob actually cared about Josh. Maybe he cared more about him than I had initially thought. And maybe he cared more about him than he had shown all of us, more than he wanted to admit. 

“So uhm... you talked to Josh? How is he doing? He was pretty... angry and... hurt I think when he stormed out the studio yesterday”, Bob asked. I thought about my answer quite a bit before I responded, “He's okay, he just needed some.. support I suppose. But he's okay” “Then why isn't he here? Is he still pissed? Doesn't he want to just continue working?”, Bob then said. I looked at John, searching for his support and reassurance. “If you really want to know what happened: He drank too much last night and he really hasn't got the energy to discuss this bullshit with you right now so he asked me if I could help him”, I mumbled and felt myself getting angry at Bob. “What is there to be discussed anyway? I threw a bottle at  him, so what? It didn't hit him anyway. He's just some crybaby, said he wanted to quit the band.. I know he wouldn't do that anyway, he wouldn't have the courage to do that”, Bob exclaimed. I have to say that in this very moment I wasn't sure if Bob was a good person because he was damn good at acting like an asshole. “He already quit. And yeah, he'd like to come back and finish this album with you but... he won't unless you apologize, you know?”, John said in a calm voice. I was really impressed by his calm, one could feel that he knew Bob better than I did and better than Josh did. “You know what the problem is? You expect Josh to act like an adult but he don't take him seriously. You expect him to do act like an adult but you don't treat him like an adult. Instead you act like a child yourself. You can't even apologize”, I said, “Do you want to finish this album with someone else?” Bob didn't respond. He just stared at John and me, not saying a single word for a few minutes. “You know what? You're right. You're absolutely right. I was acting like a dick. And i'm really not good at apologizing because... I never do it, but well, I'll try”, He then mumbled, staring at the table.

I hadn't expected this. I was prepared for an hour-long discussion, but that didn't seem to be necessary. I looked over at John and he looked about as surprised as I was. “Are you serious?”, I asked after a few seconds. “Of course I'm serious, I'll talk to Josh tomorrow”, Bob answered. “Okaaaay... uhm... in this case...”, I stuttered. “In this case i'll go home and practice apologizing in front of the mirror, right?”, Bob said, gave John and me a small smile and got up. I walked him to the door. “You know, I know i'm not perfect, i'm far from perfect. And I'm very well aware of that. It's just... it's hard to admit that to others. It's hard to admit that I make mistakes...”, Bob mumbled on the way to the front door. “Yeah, I guess I know what you mean... Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes it's even hard to admit your feelings to yourself...”, I muttered. Bob turned around to face me, we had reached the door by now. “You know... it's enough if I risk losing Josh as a friend. Please... don't risk it yourself...”, Bob said and hugged me. I hugged him back, a bit surprised, and said in a low voice, “Yeah, you're right... I just don't know what to do and... I don't know...” ”I know you don't know, but just consider talking to Josh. It'll be worth it. Goodbye”, Bob said, let go of me and smiled at me before he turned around and walked away. I closed the door, leaned against it and closed my eyes for a bit, this day was fucking confusing and kind of exhausting. Or maybe it wasn't really confusing, but I felt like I was getting closer to making an important decision and I was scared of that. I'm always scared of making important decisions, but this one was so personal. This was different. 

I had totally forgotten that John was still in my apartment so it made me jump quite a bit when all of a sudden his voice made the silence that had filled my apartment disappear. “Are you sure you're okay?”, he asked with a soft voice. Have you ever heard his voice? It's beautiful. If you haven't heard it you have to go and search for some interview or something on the internet RIGHT NOW. But well, I suppose you already heard it a few times, right? I mean, who hasn't. Then maybe I should ask if you paid enough attention to it? Okay, I'll stop talking about his voice, I just wanted to make my point clear. John's voice just gives me a sense of comfort, I don't know why but it just does and it did from the first time I heard it. Maybe you can relate to this, I don't know. But i've found that i'm not the only one who gets that kind of feeling when hearing John's voice. It's weird. He seems to have this special connection to some people even if they've never seen him in real life. Maybe it's really our souls and spirits connecting in another dimension, as he would put it. We'll probably never know. But anyways, that's not what I wanted to say in the first place.

My eyes shot open when I heard his voice and I saw him standing in front of me, a worried look on his face. “Yeah, i'm just... stressed and tired and maybe a bit... overwhelmed. But it's okay, nothing to worry about”, I answered and gave him a small smile to signal him that there really was no need to worry. John just stared at me for a few minutes and I couldn't quite tell what he was thinking. It wasn't awkward, though. It didn't make me nervous that he stared at me, it didn't scare me that I wasn't able to find out what he was thinking. Oh god, all of this must sound terribly weird to you, but I swear it isn't. John just has this kind of aura, it's really hard to explain. 

“Is it because of Josh? Come on, you can tell me, maybe I'll be able to help”, John then said after a few minutes of absolute silence between the two of us. I felt myself blush as John mentioned Josh's name (it's still weird how their names are that similar, isn't it?) and I automatically looked down at my feet. “Okay, so it definitely IS because of Josh... But it's not this whole situation, it's not him fighting with Bob and quitting the band and getting drunk and so on... well, maybe it is a little bit but there's something more, right?”, John asked as a (for my taste way too) excited smile made it's way on his face. I think I blushed even more, I just had this feeling that John knew (or at least he somehow sensed) that Josh... had a special place in my heart, I think that's the best way to put it. I sighed and looked up again. “Okay, you might me right... It's just... I 'm not sure what to do. I have no idea if I should tell Josh how I feel about him because I don't want to make things awkward between us if he doesn't feel the same way... and I don't want to embarrass myself... Plus I have no idea how to tell him, or show him or whatever...”, I told John and to be completely honest it felt so good to just tell him, to share my feelings with someone who cared. 

“May I give you some advice?”, John asked after a bit. I just nodded in response. “Just wait. Don't put yourself under too much pressure. If something's supposed to happen it will happen, you know? Don't worry about it. Josh's a wonderful person and if your spirits are meant to love each other then they will, just let them do their thing and  they'll tell you what to do, wait until it feels right in every way imaginable, you know?”, he said and gave me a smile that made me feel like he knew more than I knew and that he wasn't going to tell me. I sighed (for what felt like the 10000th time that day) and mumbled, “You're probably right... Thank you” John still smiled at me, trying to hide his excitement (I would never have thought that something like this would get him that excited but it obviously did) but failing. “Oh uhm, I think I should leave, I got some more things to do...”, John then mumbled. I moved away from the door and opened it for him. “Bye Ally, see you soon”, John mumbled as he hugged me goodbye. “Bye John, and again thank you”, I responded. John gave me another one of his heartwarming smiles and then left.

[adorable-klinghoffer]

31.

For the two year anniversary of Inhibition i wrote this! Hope you like it!

FEEDBACK <3

“Hey babe, whatcha doing?” You ask, walking over to where Josh is sitting with his guitar. You recognized what he was playing from spending so much time with John when you were younger, “Scales?”

“Yeah, Jonathan, Clint and Eric and coming over later, we’re gonna look over the Dot Hacker stuff.” He says.

“Oh god, I hate to sound stupid but who are those people and what is the ‘Dot Hacker stuff’?” You ask and he rolls his eyes and laughs, “Hey come on we’ve only been dating for a few months!” You say defensively.

“Dot Hacker is my other band. Eric, Clint and Jonathan are members of said band” He says, spelling it out for you as though you were a small child.

“Oh sweet...have I ever met them before?” You ask, curiously

“No, but they’re cool, you’ll like them I think” He says.

“I’m gonna have lunch with Clara and Loesha in a couple hours, do you mind that I’ll be gone for some of the time? Do you want me to leave you alone the whole time?” You ask, “I just want to make this space as comfortable as you need it to be”

“I don’t care” He says laughing, “We can work with you here, we can work with you gone, no big deal” He says taking your hand and kissing you.

You kiss for a few minutes before you separate again, your curiosity getting the best of you, “So this band how have I never heard about them before?” You ask and he sighs.

“So many questions,” He responds with a smile and you roll your eyes, “Well we recorded our album a few years ago, before I even knew you. Plus we’re all touring and session musicians—or at least used to be—so we barely are ever all in town at the same time for long enough to get things done.” He says.

“Wait you have an album! I’m the worst girlfriend ever how have I not listened to this yet?”  You say feeling hurt, unable to believe you didn’t know about this.

“I don’t know, it was never brought up” He says shrugging, “The album hasn’t even come out yet, I told you, no time”

“Ok I’ll buy that” You say grinning, he kisses you once more before picking up his guitar and beginning to play again.

You spend the next few hours sitting on the couch reading the paper with Josh’s feet in your lap as he plays guitar.

At around noon the doorbell rings, “That’s probably one of the guys,” Josh says putting the guitar down and walking towards the door.

He opens it up to the door to reveal two guys standing on your doorstep. One was carrying a guitar case, wore glasses and had chin length black hair sticking out of beanie and the other with a meticulous goatee and mustache combo that reminded you of a super villain.

“Hey guys, you wanna come in or just stand there all day” He says and they both enter. They exchange casual greetings and jokes before Josh turns to you.

“Oh right, of course—guys this is my girlfriend Ella Louise” He says motioning to you, “Lou, these guys are Jonathan and Clint.” He adds.

“Really great to meet you guys” You say shaking both their hands.

“You too,” Says Jonathan, “I can’t believe Josh has a girlfriend” He says jokingly, elbowing Josh in the ribs and exchanging a laugh with Clint.

“Yeah, and someone who’s this fine looking, damn Klinghoffer” Clint stage whispers, and Josh blushes scarlet.

“Shut it” Josh says and you laugh, rubbing affectionate circles into his back.

“So do you know if Eric’s on his way?” Asks Clint.

“Yeah, he said he was on his way but who knows” Says Josh shrugging and they exchange a laugh again.

“Hey do you guys want anything to drink, I was just gonna make some tea” You ask.

“Yeah, tea sounds great” Says another voice coming through the open door, “Hi by the way, I’m Eric” He says waving.

“Hey Eric, nice of you to drop in” Says Josh sarcastically, giving him a pat on the back, “I’d like you to meet Lou...my girlfriend” He says and you shake Eric’s hand.

“Ooh Josh has a girl-” He begins but Clint cuts him off.

“Don’t even man, we’ve already been there and you missed it, snooze you loose” He says and you laugh.

You make the tea and sit around talking with them until you hear Clara’s car honking from outside.

“Oh shit babe, I gotta go, Clara’s here” You say getting up off the couch in a rush and grabbing your jacket, “Bye, love you” You say giving him a quick kiss.

“Love you too, call me if you need a ride home” He says and you nod.

“I will. Bye guys, it was nice talking to you, lets do it again soon.” You say before rushing out the door.

You have a nice lunch and by the time you get home a couple hours later everyone’s gone from the house, “Honey, I’m home” You shout but there’s no response.

“Josh?” You shout when you walk into the deserted living room.

“Up here” Shouts a voice coming from upstairs. You go upstairs and when you get up stairs you’re surprised to see him messing around with something on the computer. He usually just complains about technology.

“Hey so how was everything? Did whatever you were doing go well?” You ask.

“Yeah really well actually, we actually ended up recording a new song to add on to the album!” He says excitedly

“That’s great! I thought you guys were just like mixing or something today I didn’t know you were actually working on something new” You say excitedly.

“Yeah its actually sort of why I invited everyone over here... I just didn’t want to say anything because I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to go through with showing it to them, its one of the most open and vulnerable things I’ve ever written lyrically” He says.

“Josh that’s amazing! Can I hear it?” You ask, excitedly.

“Yeah, that’d be great I’ve actually been messing around with the mix since the guys left, trying to get it perfect before you got home” He says.

You clap and grin in anticipation as he presses play and the music starts.

Even before you hear the lyrics you are instantly in love with the song, its so beautiful. You recognize it a tiny bit from Josh playing it around the house over the past couple days but it sounded so much better with all the other instruments rounding out the sound.

Once the lyrics start you instantly melt, they were so perfect, so striking, so raw, you felt your heart swell with each word. You’re an eye opener/I’m an eye closer

By the time the song is over you feel tears forming in your eyes.

“Josh its so beautiful, I love it” You whisper leaning over and kissing him.

“Yeah I hoped you would” He quietly says with a soft smile, “It’s about you, just in case you hadn’t guessed” He adds.

“How’d you come up with it?” You ask.

“Flea said it to me once.” He says, “When we had the talk after you and I came back from our trip. He said that we were perfect more one another because you live life with your eyes open and a lot of times I just live life with my eyes closed. That phrase just kind of stuck with me and I decided to make it into a song”

“Josh that is so great, I honestly can’t get over how great the song is, really. I’m so honored to be the subject of something so wonderful” You whisper, “You’re so talented babe”

“Thank you Ella Louise,” He says kissing your nose, “I love you”

“I love you too” You say back, “Now can we listen to it again?” You ask and he laughs lightly, before pressing play one more time and squeal with excitement. 

[testingfics]

Josh fic has a home!

I've been getting so much feedback about my Josh fic and I'm so happy all of you like it soooo much!! I have recently made the fic it's own blog and if you liked the first chapter I'd follow ;) There's also a new surprise if you look on the new page! Enjoy!

Here's the link: adorable-klinghoffer

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

Chapter 44: Ungrateful Bitch

I have an important announcement to do today, first of all - and I'm gonna rip it fast like a band aid- the fic is soon to be over. Just 2 more chapters to the end, but, and I feel very ashamed to say, those 2 chapters aren't have been written yet. Truth is I'm hella busy lately and I'm in the middle of moving in to a whole different country, I'll be traveling next week and is going to be crazy. I have hope that I can write another chapter between flights (I have to take 2 of them) and if I achieve my goal I will be posting next week but I can assure that. So I really hope you all have patience with me and await for the last 2 chapters.

I'll be active in Anastasia's Instagram so you can insult me over there.

As usuall I never get tired of telling you all how lovely y'all are and how happy this journey has made me.

Read chapter 43

Even though summer was over, Anastasia woke up in her Beverly Hills house on a really hot morning. She took a cold shower and walked down the stairs to make some French toast. She ate while standing up in her kitchen visualizing her entire place. So many memories in those walls gave her some kind of nostalgia, many things were in boxes already but there was still so much work to be done for the moving. Leaving that house was like leaving a life behind, she moved there when she was 18, she bought that place with her own money, from jobs she had done since she was 15 and now she was leaving it for a much bigger and much more peaceful place, away from the city. “Maybe this is growing up”, she thought.

Her phone rang and she saw Barbara’s face on the screen, she smiled and picked up the call.

-          How’s the moving going? – Barbara asked.

-          I’m not even half way done – Anastasia answered.

-          Man, these weeks are gonna be hell. You won’t even be here – Her sister said.

-          I know – An walked to her couch and sat down – We are leaving to New York on Thursday to do Saturday Night Live. Can you believe it?

-          How couldn’t it, if you guys are like fucking awesome? – Barbara laughed – Wait, but I thought you’d play Austin City Limits on Saturday.

-          No, we’ll play on Sunday.

-          And then you’re going to Mexico?

-          Mmm… - Anastasia took a minute to answer to her sister’s question – Nobody confirmed Mexico for us so we booked a show on Wednesday at the Continental Austin, it will be a small and fun show at midnight. It’ll be some kind of surprise for fans.

-          So The Getaway Tour is over for Dead Curse – Barbara asked another question.

-          I guess so. It’s time we focus on this album, I’m so proud of it… I can wait to show it to the world.

-          Well, I got to tell you something so it doesn’t come as a surprise for you – Barbara started to talk – Anthony didn’t get your last interview with The Music Issue very well. He thinks that the phrase “Stepping out of the Chili Peppers’ shadow” was kind of ungrateful – Anastasia was shocked, it wasn’t what she meant at all.

-          Ungrateful? He said I was ungrateful?

-          Yes, and he was angry but I told him that you guys had been the total opposite and couldn’t be grateful enough for all the tour crew for everything the Peppers had done for you.

-          Wow! This is like an ice cold shower.

-          You know how Tony gets during his “angry periods”.

-          I know how he gets but I don’t fucking care Barbara!

-          Actually, I had to stop him last night because I was getting mad too. He practically said that his band put you guys on the map and things like that.

-          What?! – Anastasia screamed – Dead Curse was big enough before doing this tour. He can’t just come and say we are what we are thanks to the Peppers. What kind of arrogant shit is that?

-          Do you still have dates together?

-          The tour has some more dates, even after Austin City Limits but nobody told us if we will be there.

-          They booked some other people to open those shows.

-          Woah! I don’t really know how to feel. We booked a bunch of shit to start the promotion for the album because we just have one month to do it but all of this, happening like this, that’s some shady shit.

-          I know, and believe me, I told him all that and more; we kind of had a big argument.

-          I’m shocked. Never expected this. I didn’t say anything bad in that interview.

-          I know, honey. You probably won’t see him this weekend because they are leaving for Mexico on Sunday but if you run into him in Austin don’t say anything, don’t make it worse.

-          I’ll try – Was the last thing Anastasia said to her sister before hanging the call.

She just stayed there, sitting on her couch looking at the front without focusing her eyesight nowhere, she couldn’t believe this. She knew that Anthony went through phases where he got very annoying, but to take it to this extreme it was a whole new level. Anastasia thought that maybe it was the pressure of the tour; everybody was cranky, it must be that.

                                                                OOO

So far Dead Curse was doing great. Anastasia had the feeling this was finally the album that would give them the push they needed to finally achieve a safe place in the music industry. “Live Action” would put Dead Curse on the map, all the maps. And now they were set to perform in the comedy TV show Saturday Night Live, one of the most popular shows in the United States, so this was big. This was huge.

But that Saturday was going to be incredible complicated. Anastasia woke up at five in the morning to go to the studios and wait for a chance for them to do some rehearsal. Then the band had to go get ready and wait for their turn to perform. Their performance was impeccable, after that they ran to the airport to take a flight to Austin, Texas, where they would peform at the Austin City Limits Festival.

-          I can’t believe we just did that – Eric told Anastasia with the biggest smile on his face – I can’t believe we just performed on Saturday Night Live.

-          Get ready darling. We are going places from now on – Anastasia laughed.

-          This is the record - Eric said.

-          I know. We are going to be huge! – Anastasia smiled – Can I sleep on your shoulder?

-          Since when you sleep on planes?

-          Since I woke up at five AM and only had a sad salad and a pizza slice to eat all day.

-          Well you don’t have to ask that. I’ll try to sleep too – Eric said while she placed her head over his shoulder trying to find comfort, but it was difficult.

It was very early in the morning when they arrived at their destination. They went straight to their rooms to have some sleep. Mandy woke her up almost three hours later to go to the venue where the festival was being held; on the way there Anastasia got a text message from Richard.

“By the way we are performing at ACL too” – a huge smile appeared on her face.

Truth was she actually didn’t know who was performing; her life was chaos lately so she never had the time to check the line up but that was Richard, giving her surprises every day.

-          Didn’t know that Richard was performing today also! – Anastasia said in the van.

-          You don’t know where your boyfriend is performing? – Mandy laughed.

-          Well, life is hell lately and he loves to surprise me.

-          So cheesy – Nick laughed too.

-          They are closing the festival so I’m definitely gonna check them out – Eric talked this time.

-          Look at you jumping from one big band to another – Nick said.

-          Don’t you guys think is weird we weren’t summoned for the Peppers shows in Mexico? – Eric spoke again – I know that we had this show booked for today and they are already there but we would have time to travel there tomorrow.

-          But we have the Continental thing on Wednesday – Mandy said.

-          Yes, but we booked that after knowing we weren’t going to Mexico. We booked that last week! – Eric said smiling sarcastically.

-          Truth is – Anastasia hadn’t said anything about Anthony being angry yet – Anthony is mad because of the interview I gave to The Music Issue. He thinks that we are where we are now thanks to the Chili Peppers.

-          That’s serious bullshit! – Mandy said angry – We are where we are now thanks to almost eight years of hard work.

-          I know – Anastasia said.

-          Wow! Didn’t know that – Eric said.

-          Did he tell you that? – Nick asked.

-          He went and got it all out with Barb – Anastasia answered. Nobody said one more word until they arrived to the destination.

The first thing Anastasia did at the festival was calling Richard. She really wanted to see him; the relationship was starting so she wanted to be with him at all times. He told her that he was doing some interviews but she could wait for him at his trailer. It was hard to find it but thankfully it was close to Dead Curse’s trailer. Richard opened the door an hour later wearing a Dead Curse tee shirt; it was deep blue with the moon in the center in silver. She smiled at the gesture and jumped to kiss him. That kiss transformed the environment into a very hot situation and they ended having sex right there.

-          What just happened? – Richard said smiling putting his clothes back on.

-          We just had sex – Anastasia answered doing the same.

-          You are crazy, you know that? – Richard hugged her from behind – And I love it – He kissed her neck.

-          Stop. I don’t have time for round two – Anastasia turned her body to face him – I have to go and get ready. I missed you.

-          I missed you too – He said giving her a small kiss on the lips – I saw you last night. It was awesome – The fact that he saw each of her performances still shocked her.

-          Did you like it? – She asked knowing the answer.

-          I’m a fan. Didn’t I tell you that before?

-          I gotta go – She said at the door – I’ll be watching you tonight.

-          I’ll sing for you.

And so he did. Once in a while he turned his body to her on stage to smile and sing to her. Mandy – being the romantic girl she is – was over the moon and Anastasia was in the clouds too.

Richard and his band went to see Dead Curse at the Continental, it was a very small show in a very hot and sweaty place but it felt incredible.

Now it was Thursday and the first member of the Chili Peppers Anastasia saw at the hotel was Chad, he embraced her and carry her in a big, tight hug that made Anastasia laugh. He did the same with Mandy.

-          What’s up Chaddy daddy? – Mandy said in a truly Mandy-esque expression.

-          Chaddy daddy? – Chad laughed – God, I missed you two so much!

-          How was Mexico? – Anastasia asked.

-          It was fun! – Chad answered.

-          Did you bring me tequila? – Mandy asked.

-          No, but I can find some for you – He said – You wanna go and drink now?

-          Let’s go to the hotel bar!

-          I’ll pass – Anastasia said – Do you know where Anthony is? – She asked Chad.

-          In his room, 205 – Chad’s face turned serious. He already knew – Josh is with him.

-          Great. I’ll catch you two later.

It was time for her to face Anthony and make everything clear. She walked to the room and knocked, Josh opened the door and he was definitely shocked to see it was her.

-          Hi! Are you guys busy? Can I come in? – She asked him and before answer Josh just gave her a very tight hug, that took her by surprise but she hugged him back with a smile.

-          Come in! – He said and closed the door behind him.

Anthony was sitting on the bed. Anastasia leaned to kiss him on the cheek and sat down next to him.

-          How was Mexico? – She asked. The air was tense.

-          It was great! – Josh answered while Anthony was just looking at her – We got to watch a livestream of you guys playing ACL last Sunday, you guys rocked. The new songs sound amazing live, and I watched you on Saturday Night Live too.

In other circumstances she would have love the chit chat with Josh but Anthony was ruining everything with his poker face.

-          We’re happy the tour is coming to an end, though – Anthony finally spoke.

-          Yeah, I can imagine. We are entering a new one already – She laughed.

-          We just have the shows in Denver and Glendale. I imagine you guys won’t be there either – Anthony spoke again. Anastasia looked at Josh but he just looked to the floor.

-          Well, we are kind of doing our own thing now – She said trying to understand Anthony’s attitude.

-          Yes… that’s the way you pay us back – He said.

-          What? – She asked.

-          I never thought you guys would leave us at the end – Anthony said upset. Josh remained silent – Especially after everything we’ve done for Dead Curse.

-          What have you done? – Anastasia said visibly angry – Yes, you gave us a great opportunity to go around the world but it’s not like we were unknown before. We were pretty big already – Anthony laughed sarcastically.

-          Ha! You are such an ungrateful bitch – Anthony said with sarcasm and carefree. Anastasia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Anger took control of her body and she got up from the bed, she saw Josh getting up from his chair too, stood in front of Anthony and slapped him in the face as hard as she could – Anthony had a scared expression on his face and looked at her so shocked.

-          We have been nothing but grateful to you and the rest of the team during this whole tour and I even said that on that interview that got you so fucking angry – She felt Josh’s arms around her trying to calm her down – So for you to say such thing to me is so hurtful. You took us on tour, that’s great but you didn’t make Dead Curse, we’ve been working our asses off for all of this for eight years so don’t you dare to take credit for it because you are so wrong.

An managed to release herself from Josh and ran away from the room. Josh followed suit. She stopped mid aisle and turned to face Josh.

-          Believe me when I say only Anthony thinks that way – Josh told her – None of us is angry or anything, I think this tour is getting on our nerves.

-          That’s no excuse for calling me that way. What the actual fuck? Who does he think he is? – Anastasia said on the verge of tears. Josh hugged her – What hurts the most that Anthony is not some random dude, he is like family to me.

-          I know – He caressed her hair, trying to comfort her.

-          Hey! Are you ok? -  She heard another voice behind her, it was Richard. She pushed Josh instinctively.

-          I just had a huge fight with Anthony – She said to him. Richard didn’t take his eyes off of Josh and Josh just looked at him as if challenging Richard.

-          Come on, let’s go have something to eat and we’ll talk about it – Richard held Anastasia by her waist and took her away from Josh but she turned around to him one last time.

-          Thank you Josh – She said – I know how Anthony can be sometimes. I’ll talk to you later – And she left with Richard unaware of the tense moment that just took place in that hotel aisle.

Anastasia didn’t go see the Chilies play their Saturday show. On Sunday they were already in Denver, so she didn’t see Josh anymore but thankfully Richard made her forget about the drama for a bit and gave her an incredible weekend in Austin. Both bands and some of the Sex Poets’ tour crew members went bar hopping around Austin and she had so much fun. Nick and Eric got along so well with Richard and his friends and that was a relief for her. Mandy was just as angry at Anthony just like An so everybody decided not to attend the Peppers set that Saturday.