#Johns Hopkins Hospital Turtle Derby

[everythingunderthesky]

Hold onto your hats, y'all, Mikey's gonna win the Turtle Derby.

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In all seriousness, the annual Johns Hopkins Hospital Turtle Derby is amazing.

A very big thank you to Mike Klingaman, who knew EXACTLY what kind of energy to bring to this delightful article.

Highlights:

-Each hospital unit got their own turtle

-They painted their turtle's shell their team colors

-THEY ATTACHED TINY FLAGS WITH THE TURTLE'S RACING NUMBER TO THEIR SHELLS

-Attendees placed bets on which turtle would win via dedicated parimutuel betting stands and assorted bookies

-5,000 people paid the $5 entry fee to watch these turtles wander around. 5,000. Lucky ducks.

-The entry fee benefited hospital charities

-Instead of using the normal signal pistol to indicate the beginning of the race, they switched to a tuba

-They had a brass band cover the event

-One year instead of the traditional terrapin race, they put turtle costumes on children and bade them RUN (they were compensated with turtle-shaped cookies afterward)

Quotes too perfect to paraphrase:

"a breathless announcer called each excruciating second of action"

"Fragments", the box turtle from the orthopedics team, is in the running for the funniest turtle to date:

"Fragments started out as though he meant business, darting to within a yard of the finish while most of the racers were wandering aimlessly in circles. But as photographers rushed to the sidelines … the turtle stopped, cocked his head jauntily to one side of his shell and waited for his picture to be taken."

"Early on, rumors of subterfuge plagued the Turtle Derby."

RUMORS of SUBTERFUGE.

"Race officials responded by introducing a snapping turtle into the pre-race holding pen in the hospital's courtyard."

...Yeah, okay, that'd dissuade most reasonable people.

I was really touched by this.

"While the event caught the fancy of hospital personnel and the public, it was the patients at Hopkins Hospital who got the biggest kick. Those on crutches and in wheelchairs attended, amid the snack and lemonade stands, while others watched from the windows of their rooms."

The Turtle Derby began in 1931 and, "minus a break during World War II", ran up until 1994.