#Jim KirkXOC

[fear0fdeathkeepsusalive]

I’ll Do Better

Summary :  As Jim and you enter a big chapter in your lives it takes a toll on your relationship. Will you both be able to overcome your troubles, or will it ultimately tear you apart forever?

Inspired by : Light by Sleeping At Last (song lyrics are bolded in this)

Rating: T

Tags: @outside-the-government

Beta’d by: @bkwrm523

Jim stood at the foot of the bed. The room was quiet, the lights dimmed to 20%. You looked peaceful as you laid there, body curled around the small infant sleeping next to you. Waves of regret washed over him. He tore his eyes away from the sight of the two of you. His thoughts went back to Medical Bay where Leonard opened his eyes to the severity of the situation.

“Good God man, you have to pull yourself together. That is your wife and child, and they need you whether you like it or not. I know you’re scared but it won’t physically kill you to go check up on her every once in awhile.” The doctor sighed. “She’s losing her damn mind, Jim. I’m worried about her. Her psychological evaluation came back terrible. She’s on the verge of a mental breakdown and I fear for the worst. She’s not only trying to fill her role as a new mother but acting as a father as well. She pours her all into that child and asks nothing from you in return. This isn’t just about you anymore, it’s about all of you. She’s needs you now more than ever.” He placed his hand on Jim’s shoulder.  “You know I’m here for you guys, right?”

Guilt ate away him, making him sick to his stomach. His eyes trailed across the floor and back to the bed. Looking at you he could see the changes. You looked thinner, dark bags under your eyes, your normally neat hair was throwing up into a lazy bun. When was the last time you had a moment to yourself? He felt terrible. He didn’t mean to be neglectful, to run away and hide. But the truth is he had been terrified when the baby was born premature. He thought he had more time to prepare to be a father, he wanted to be a good one.

No, instead he was a coward. Too afraid to get attached to the baby who originally only had 15% chance of living. He didn’t want to lose something so important and so instead he pushed away in order to protect himself. How absolutely selfish of him.

His eyes lingered on you for just a moment more. You were always stronger than him. His eyes shifted to look at the infant, noticing that she was significantly bigger than the last time he saw her. His heart wrenched as he noted she looked exactly like him. With the way that he had been acting he could only imagine that it was painful for you to even look at her. Because he couldn’t see how looking at her wasn’t reminding you of him.

He moved to the opposite side of the bed, sinking onto the mattress as he laid his body on the opposite side of the child. She was gorgeous and he was a fool for missing out. "I am so sorry.” He whispered to the baby.

May these words be the first to find your ears

The world is brighter than the sun now that you’re here

Though your eyes will need some time to adjust

To the overwhelming light surrounding us

The baby squirmed, her tiny eyes cracking open, a small cry cracking out from her lips. He froze for a moment unsure of what to do. And then suddenly this fatherly instinct washed over him. “Shh, it’s okay, Jemma. Daddy is here.” He gently swooped the baby into his arms. Standing from the bed he looked around the room for some kind of bottle as her cries grew louder.

He failed to notice you spring up in bed, horrified that maybe the baby had fallen off the side. Your eyes landed on his form and sighed in relief to see that Jemma was okay.

By now he had located a bottle and was warming some milk, while bouncing the baby slightly trying to soothe her.

I’ll give you everything I have

I’ll teach you everything I know

I promise I’ll do better

I will always hold you close

But I will learn to let you go

I promise I’ll do better

I will soften every edge

I’ll hold the world to its best

And I’ll do better

With every heartbeat I have left

I will defend your every breath

And I’ll do better

A smile graced your lips at the site of the two of them, but it quickly fell away as wicked thoughts came to you. What was he doing here? You swiftly got up from the bed, moving across the room to take her from his arms. He didn’t need to be bothered by this. You had every intention to give him a piece of your mind as well. How dare he show up now?

“I love you so much Gemma, and I’m so sorry. You deserve a better father and your mom deserves a better husband. If you let me I’m going to try to make up for it.” He sighed as he gave her the bottle, her cried quieting immediately.

Cause you are loved

You are loved more than you know

I hereby pledge all of my days

To prove it so

Though your heart is far too young to realize

The unimaginable light you hold inside

“I hope you can forgive me. I don’t think your mom will. I’m such a fool Gemma. When I should have been there for the both of you I was a coward. I love your mom so much. She has always been stronger than me. I was just so scared. Scared I would lose you, scared I would lose her. I was an idiot. I’ll spend the rest of my days making it up to you both if I have to.”

His words made you stop. You could feel the tears well up in your eyes. “Oh Jim you’re such an idiot.” You whispered loud enough for him to hear. His head whip to look at you. “Y/N, honey - I’m so sorry.” He moved closer to you, eyes filled with pain and regret. “ I know an apology is not good enough, but it’s the only words I can say.” He looked at the baby. “ I love you two so much and I let my fear get the best of me. I know you won’t forgive me right away but I hope that you’re able to one day.”

You were mad, but the sight of him holding your baby made your heart melt. “You’re right Jim, I can’t forgive you yet. You have to prove to me that you’re not going to run away again. I can’t do this alone. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I see Leonard multiple times a week. I sometimes go back twice in the same day because I’m so afraid that I’m just going to snap. I fear for Gemma. I love her and I don’t want to hurt her. Nyota has been a godsend, giving me breaks here and there. But I can’t be a burden to her all the time. I need you to be here. Promise me you’ll be here for us.”

His eyes connected with yours. “Y/N, I can’t apologize enough. I promise I’ll make it up to the two of you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” It was then in that moment that you realized he had been crying. Tears stained his cheeks and you knew that he meant what he said. You brought a hands up and placed it gently on his cheek. “Okay, Jim.” You moved closer pressing a kiss to Gemma’s head as she finished her bottle and fell asleep in his arms. “I love you, Captain.” You lifted your head and pressed your lips against his.

“I love you too, Y/N. Go take care of yourself, wash up and sleep. I’ll take care of her.”

I’ll give you everything I have

I’ll teach you everything I know

I promise I’ll do better

I will always hold you close

But I will learn to let you go

I promise I’ll do better

I will rearrange the stars

Pull ‘em down to where you are

I promise I’ll do better

With every heartbeat I have left

I’ll defend your every breath

I promise I’ll do better

I will soften every edge

Hold the world to its best

I promise I’ll do better

With every heartbeat I have left

I’ll defend your every breath

I’ll do better

[qarl-grimes]

i wrote a kirk/oc fanfiction so if you’re into that kind of thing, have a look!