#Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

[glovelylovely]

jesus christ vampire hunter (2001)

[psygull]

my Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter fanart from last year

[videoworm]

my favourite scene from Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: THE ATHEISTS!!!

10/10 movie (its on IA)

[deankarolina]

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

[bebe-benzenheimer]

Horror Meme (original list) [5/5] horror comedies Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) dir. Lee Demarbre “If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

[secondbeatsongs]

Movie Night

Tomorrow (12/3/2023) at 5PM ET in the second beat server, we are watching:

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter! which, according to wikipedia, is "a 2001 Canadian horror parody film from Odessa Filmworks which deals with Jesus Christ's modern-day struggle to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Ontario, from vampires with the help of Mexican wrestler El Santo"

come watch with us!

[froondy]

LESBIAN VAMPIRES YEAHHHHHHHHH

[giantbatmankinderegg2]

january is almost over and i STILL haven't watched a bad movie since december (i mean to be fair i watched A LOT of bad movies in december) so...

i have way more bad movies in my watch later list, of course, but this is a selection of 12 of them to fit within tumblr's poll option limit

[glovelylovely]

jesus christ vampire hunter (2001)

[psygull]

There's a world of difference between a movie that is intentionally made to be bad (look at how cheesy we're being! isn't it ironic?) and a movie that knows that it's probably bad but is determined to do the most with what it's got.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is not a bad movie. Nor is it a good one. What it is is incredibly earnest and charming. I've probably mentioned it before, but this is my favorite kind of movie to watch. The director was just a guy who wanted to make a movie and have fun with it, alongside a veritable army of early 2000s Canadian twenty-somethings that comprise the cast.

It would be easy for the rest of this filmpost to just be a list of things that happen in it: it's a kung fu movie, it's a musical, it's a comedy, there's a barroom brawl where people are getting staked with toothpicks and pool cues, there are TWO Jesus makeover sequences, there's a hugedude Mexican wrestler in a very small airplane, there's a lady named Mary Magnum, there's a motorcycle stunt performed by said Mary Magnum, there's holy water beer, there's lesbianism, there's a bit where Jesus bilocates to be in two fight scenes simultaneously, there's an EXTENDED bit where a bunch of atheists continually pile out of a clown car to fistfight Jesus. There are even vampires. It's wonderful, it's corny as hell, and everyone involved was full of a love for cinema and the joy of creating. Is it good? Who cares! Jesus has sideburns and wears earrings and he's crawling through a vent. Go watch it, it's on Tubi and on YouTube. If I'm not back in five minutes call the Pope.

[big-bad-shorty-king]

I was doing shit tonight so I was checking the tags to see what was going on while I was doing shit and I kept seeing the name Santos and thought yall meant the luchador from Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

[finnsworldz]

[technicalcakemix]

Sacrilegious? Maybe. Canadian? Absolutely.

JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER, now up on #Spookyposting

[chris-in-the-headlights]

Just watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

This shit deserves an Oscar

[garbage-connoisseur]

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

Let's talk about a very silly movie starring Kung Fu Jesus Christ trying to stop a group of vampires from committing hate-crimes. That's right baby, it's Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter!

Things are grim in Ottowa, Canada. A string of vampiric murders have targeted the local lesbian population and severely impacted church memberships to boot. The church decides to pull out their secret weapon...

This alone should be enough to sell you on the movie, but let me just throw in that besides vampires and Jesus it also contains (bad) kung fu and musical elements.

I should however also do my usual content warning for the movie: While it doesn't contain any major sexual assault, homophobic or racist scenes, it does still come from the tradition of Troma pictures, so there is a recurring gag with a female character getting groped, a villainous character french-kissing a corpse, some general distasteful bits and just... So much blasphemy (obviously).

But back to the story:

Jesus gets several make-overs throughout the story, first of which includes a haircut, a couple of earrings and a song-and dance routine in which he proves his might by healing the sick in front of a public crowd.

There's sadly not a lot of diagetic singing and dancing, but the soundtrack does slap, and the movie more than makes up for it with memorable scenes, such as when Jesus has just been out shopping for wood for stakes, but gets accosted by a new enemy:

After which we are treated to a scene of some 30+ atheist combatants leaving a single (clown?) car, followed by a very dumb fight scene.

Jesus finds out that the reason that vampires can travel freely in the sunlight is that a mad scientist has been grafting the skin of the dead lesbians they've been kidnapping unto them, thereby protecting them from the deadly rays of the sun. For any vampires reading this, there's a thought, eh? Although maybe steer clear of the hate crimes.

However, Jesus on his own is no match for the entire vampire population and he gets completely trounced, at which point the movie treats us to a wonderful little take on the parable of the good Samaritan:

That's right, first a bishop walks past Jesus without helping him, then a cop (ACAB) and finally he gets help from a transvestite (according to the credits), who nurses him back to health. Support your trans communities as they would support you. <3

And that is generally the message of the movie. I don't want to spoil anything else. The movie is very worth watching, it's genuinely funny while also being very supportive of queer people. It's currently less than €3 on German Amazon, so go grab yourself a copy and experience this wonderful low-budget masterpiece for yourself.

I'll just leave you with this:

[videoworm]

its movie night!

time for JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTERS (2001)

its going well (there are lesbian vampires in town)

(also: Johnny Vegas playing himself? Johnny Vegas as the british comedian Johhny Vegas?. (idk i havent seen him yet)

OMG THE EPIC FIGHT SCENE ON THE BEACH.