#Jennable Confessions

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

People wonder why I like Taylor Swift.

It’s not cause I believe she is the best singer in the world. It’s not because she’s famous nor that she seems amazing.

It’s because when I’m alone, her voice is the only thing that makes me feel less lonely. And lately, I’ve been really alone and it sucks.

I know people bash on her, I know she is controversial but at he end of the day, her songs help me cope with my issues. And that should be enough.

#TaylorSwift #Forever

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

He proposed and

Im happy. At least I tell myself I am. 

I finally have my education done. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can go anywhere, be anyone. Those part of my future I am excited for, those are the parts I’m happy about.

But I’m still...alone. 

Sometimes I’m okay with this. I’ve learned to love myself. But other times, when I long for someone to hold me, long for someone to just kiss me silly, that's when being alone sucks.

I saw a post a few days ago and Im not gonna lie. It hurt. My once prince charming and love of my childhood heart has proposed to his...fiancé. 

I want to pretend it didn't hurt. I mean it’s been way too long to even think something could happen but little 8th grade heart broke. He promised forever. The whole big house and white picket fence. How we’d name our first kid Dean and how our little Harry Potter nerd selves would never stop believing in magic. But I can't hold him to childhood promises. I don't even think Id like him now as a person. Im glad he found someone. He wasn't a bad man, just a young one and I can't fault him for that.

I just hurts to see him with another and I am just here, with no one.

I want that type of love too. I want the family, the happiness, the joyfulness of it all. Is it sad that Im thinking Im gonna have to adopt my first kid because I’ll have no significant other to help me get pregnant. I want to wake up next to someone and then be exhausted yet happy when I go pick up our baby from there crib. I want feel someone fingers brush my back to remind me i have someone. I want to smell my baby while brushing their fine, wispy hair. I want to sing under my breathe and have someone wrap their arms around me. I want to explore the world and smile because I have no reason but too. I want someone to call me Mrs. Darcy, when they are so in love with me and there are no other words to describe the magnitude of their feelings.

But instead I’m here. Just waiting and Im tired. So tired.

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

The funny thing is, I’ve never been more determined in my life to do what I need to do. I’ve wanted to be a scientist since I was a little girl and I’m so close.

Yet in this journey of my life, it’s not enough. I still feel completely lost. I live with my family yet something in my heart tells me Im not truly home. I’m not happy and I feel always alone. I have this missing part of me and I hate it.

I try to be this strong, independent women because I fear thats all Ill ever be. I try to look into my future and the more I see it, the more I worry it won’t happen and it terrifies me so much I have back up plans. I don’t think it’s healthy to have this many contingencies.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to fall in love, get married, be happy and have beautiful babies. I wanted to buy my own house and have the white picket fence dream. It’s every birthday wish I’ve ever asked for since I was 13 and I have worked so hard to achieve that. I want to be financially stable and emotionally ready with myself and my husband before we even thought of kids.

I wanted to travel the word while we were young and make so many memories. I wanted to show and tell him everything and I hoped he would do the same to me. I wanted to be twin flames only growing stronger and then when it was time, I want to show my kids and other little ones that a girl can be anything they want to be and that love isn’t everything but it also is.

Yet I’m not even close. It’s almost like a forbidden dream or hope that is fading away. I haven’t felt true love in such a way it takes my breath away and makes me never doubt it’s possible. There is nothing but school to end for me to look forward to. No arms to welcome me home, no one to call just cause I wanted to hear they’re voice. No one to talk to without fear of them telling me to shut up. No one to feel the love Im wanting to give. No one to give that back to me.

I’ve already had to make it reality to believe in myself because it’s all I have left.

Maybe it’ll never happen. And I’m just a stupid girl with her head stuck in the clouds. All these fairytales and talk about true love almost seem masochistic of me to think of since i doubt it will ever happen for me.

Maybe this is my reality. Chinese take out and Netflix on my couch. Going to sleep with nothing to warm me. Building a future where I am just by myself.

It’s not a bad life. It just isn’t one I’d think I’d end up in.

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

I miss him right now. I think that’s the issue with me. I miss him and I miss myself. #StillBrokenYearsLater #NoOneSince #HeHasMovedOn

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

Jennable Confession: Wedding Dreams are my Nightmares.

I dreamt of him again. I'd like to think maybe it's because of Valentine's Day coming up but most likely it's because...I miss him. 

I don't know what to make of these dreams. Sometimes they fill a void in me. Other times they make my heart hurt. This time i tried to never wake up. If i was slowly waking up, i would force my body back into slumber in hopes to continue the dream. But of course when I did finally wake up...i regret having the dreams at all. They became another nightmare. Another false hope and my own misery. The following are the bits i remember and for future references...i’d like to read to remember him.

His team and I were at some resort near a beach. I remember thinking it was Cancun and we were at opposite sides of the resort. He was team captain and his team (idk why they were there) was finishing up an exercise.

As i leaned against a pillar, I saw him bark orders. At this moment he was alpha wolf and they were his pack. I was intrigued and attracted to him when was in command like this therefore i looked on in silence. The team looked exhausted but then Drew saw me and pointed me out to other teammates. They began to snicker and gave me winks and I smiled and gave them a nod to keep going.

Finally after a minute or so, the work out began to tie down and I felt him pause. I don't know how i felt him realize they something was behind him but a rush filled my core because i knew he knew of my presences there. He stopped, telling the boys to take a break, and suddenly...he turned around and saw me looking. I expected a small wave and move on like he always has. It was a team practice and I just wanted to see him for a small second.

But the look he gave me otherwise pinned me to the ground. Suddenly he walked over and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was stunned and my face became a new shade of red. 

 'Sorry Jenn. I needed to squeeze in a few practice laps to calm down plus team bonding never hurts.'

I stood confused for a minute as his team began to walk away and make kissy face sounds as they passed him giving him a pat on the back. He rolled his eyes at them and told them that they were done for the day.

Drew then laughed. “I’d like to this our practice is done for a bit...but yours is just starting.”

Tyler turned around and gave him a stare down but then turned his attention back to me. He was flustered and couldn't find the words to day anything. I gave a small chuckle and looked over to Drew. “I’d like to think that what is about to happen isn't just a simple practice. Id like to think its the championship.”

Drew gave a loud laugh, as did the few teammates that were walking away.

Once they were gone Tyler grabbed me abruptly, spun me around and dipped me. He clasped my left hand and brought it up to kiss it. I smiled but then noticed the huge rock on my finger. I would like to say I was shocked. Maybe even horrified. But nope. 

I smiled so big and he did too. He then gave me a kiss that I can feel even now. It wasn't chaste, nor was it proper for the public. In fact it was so powerful I felt it to my bones. He suddenly pulled back and put me up straight, all while kissing my neck, making my eyes close and my heart flutter. 

'You do know that we aren't suppose to be doing this is now? And though I love the preview.. it's suppose to be a curse to see the bride early...' 

I shook my head trying to concentrate since he was still making my head spin. 'No dress on yet. No curse. And I missed you. I was afraid you weren't coming back. You didn't before.'

 He immediately stopped kissing me so I put my head on his chest. It's a pensive moment, one I constantly fear. We’ve talked about this, and though I no longer hold it against him, the pain is still there. Sometimes I put it aside, other times i let it get the best of me.

He pulled back a minute later and gave me the most broken hearted smile. 'I know I can never take that back. I loved you and asked for you to wait while I never did. I did love you, that never changed but we were young and I....I made the mistake of not believing in you...in us. But I'm here now and I will always be so long as you want me. I have and will always love you. I might have gone off the path but my path leads back you. There is no me with out you.' 

 I cupped his face and gave him a small kiss. I needed to hear that and it set all the butterflies in my stomach free. 'Well it's now or never I suppose. I have to put on the dress and be ready in less then 30. And you as well. I'll meet you...well you know.'

 He smiled at me, gave me a kiss, told me i looked beautiful, and ran off to his suite. I rushed back to mine and as I was putting on my dress I couldn't stop thinking about him. How we met as kids, how we grew up together, how even after a few years of no communication (due to us trying to finding ourselves in the world), we still found one another. It wasn't a clean road we took but it lead us here and I couldn't be happier.  

Once I was ready, I looked in the mirror and I saw a stranger. I saw myself so happy and care free and even skinny. I looked to my left and I saw my mom in tears and me dad trying to hold them back. 'Are you sure you're ready Jennifer?' 

And at that moment I was more sure of this then anything else. My dad then helped my step down from the stool and I reached out to them for a hug.

'Guess am not gay?' I stated because my mom always thought I was because I never went out on dates.

My mom laughed at our inner joke. 'No hunny. I guess you were just waiting for him. I was sure you never even tried for other boys. Hell I never once thought you even went out on a date. And at the moment it gave me a bit of concern, not that I cared if you were gay, but yea... i can safely say you aren't gay.' 

 We all gave a small laugh and then I asked for a second by myself. As I looked in the mirror and observed this stranger, I actually thanked all the pain I had to endure to get me here. It was a lonely path, one I wished I didn't have to suffer but it was all worth it. To be with the one I had always loved. And hopefully always will.

Since it seemed that my patience was at its limits, I bolted off and headed towards Tyler’s suite. I wanted him to be the first person to see me like this. I wanted him too have that moment and I wanted that moment with him as well. It was us against the world but like it use to be and how i hoped it would always be. 

I knocked and knocked and for some odd reason there wasn't an answer. I started to get worried but then a neighbor tells me that the fine man in a handsome suit left about 3 minutes ago to the other side of the resort. 

I thanked her and started to walk away while hyperventilating. I’m scared he ran, Im terrifed he will abandon me. I can feel her presence again and she simply told me to breathe. 

“Beautiful silly girl. is this what you wanted?” I nodded my head yes. 

“So go back to your room and he’ll be there. You might be insecure because now this isn't what your future looks like. Hell this is too much at once. But what you are living right now is what will lead you up to this. It might not be him, you might not get here with him. But one day you will be this happy.” 

I don’t remember what happened next. but i remembered seeing Tyler leaning over a balcony rail, looking out into the ocean as if he could find the answers to the world by a single stare. I wrapped my arms around him and simply leaned in on his back.

He fell a bit back into me and I could feel his heart beat.

“Im sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“Im sorry I could have ruined this. Im sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me and that I might not be here as well.”

 “What?” 

“I’m so sorry.”

He turned around and began to fiercely kiss me. In a short time, we both ran out of breathe therefore he pulled back and continued to give my face small kisses.

“Its my fault. I might not create this perfect life with you in this lifetime.”

I look at him confused. He felt so real and everything felt so real. 

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is when you realize that this isn't real...I won't be there. I use to be there but I won't be. And I’m afraid that I might not wake up. i might not get you.  i might not”

“But we are happy. Aren’t we?”

Then i wake up at 8;41 am. and I'm 22 again, alone and with out him. that was just mean i tell myself. that was just cruel.

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

Just a dream

We finally met again because i saw his dad and his dad was happy to see me. As I talked to his dad about my future he appeared and gave me the biggest hug. I think we are at my neighborhood and then he started talking about his future and how all of a sudden he wanted to be a nurse. And I was shocked but happy for him. Then somehow we hang out and we kiss and we are happy. I wanted that forever. Time skipped forward and I forgot I had a boyfriend. Idk his name but he was a tall good looking white guy. I mention to Tyler how tall guy and me got together. I also tell Tyler That I’m not in love with tall guy. That my current boyfriend only likes me because he thinks I saved him. I got tall guy because on a class field trip on a boat he got hurt and thought he was gonna die. We all did but I was there trying to keep him alive. In the spur of the moment he proposed to me cause he wanted to not die alone though the whole class knew it was a joke, I did too, I went along with it cause I didn’t want him to be alone. He recovered and forgot about me. Then one day we met again and he remembered me. The tall white guy then begged me to go out with him and that’s how I got into a relationship with him. And I liked him a lot and was happy. Tall guy was good to me and I felt like I was really starting to like him. Not love him yet but I was getting there. But I was not as happy as now ever since Tyler was back in my life. He laughed and kissed me senseless and reminded me of why I’ve always loved him. I can still feel it; the touches and kisses and love. I was gonna tell tall white guy the truth but Then something happened and all I remember is that Tyler was standing up for roll call. A roll call to send those who signed up for the army to go on there mission immediately. I was shocked and hurt and as he received his papers, he looked at me and I looked at him. I stood there as the silent tears came out. I felt so hollow and empty and he didn’t even say a word. I felt betrayed and most of all stupid for falling all over again for Tyler. I should have stayed with tall guy and I think maybe I can get tall guy back. Tyler then was about to open his mouth so I ran. I just ran and climbed stairs till my lungs hurt. I shouldn’t have let my guard down go easy, I should have been happier in my current situation before Tyler came back. As I sat and cried on the wall I was hoping that he followed me so that Tyler could at least tell me why he did this to me. But as I sat and sat, he never came and then I woke up. Why did I think this was ever gonna work? Why do I keep dreaming about him? Why does it still hurt if it’s not even real?

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

Calling out bully Mariah Serrato

i still think about this one bitch. This one bitch that made 6 and 7th grade hell for me. Mariah Serrato. Fry her ass for all i care. she bullied me and years later, i still feel insecure because of her. I hear it in my head “KJB” (kick jenn’s butt) and yes it’s stupid but its there on repeat, in both moments of success and failure. i genuinely hate her and think she is an awful human being. I don't wish her any harm but i do wish that she live as miserable as i did those years. she deserves nothing less then the bully she was

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

All This Time And I Still Don't Know His Name

I see him all the time.

The curve of his killer jaw and the confident stance he takes when he thinks he is right. The way he looks down when he is nervous and gives a small smile when he catches me looking at him.

I hear him all the time

The laughter from deep within the lower part of his stomach bubbling to his lips when I tell him a joke. His deep voice that, when he sings under his breathe, is my favorite sound in the world.

I feel him all the time

The passion from one single touch tells me that he will always be here for me. His forehead against mine and our lips brushing gently, but enough to remind me why I’m here. And in that moment every silent breathe that sweeps across my face means everything.

I smell him all the time.

The one jacket that is his, I wear because it smells like every ounce of him and he constantly tells me I’m a weirdo because of it. The way he comes home and smells like work but also like the flowers he brought me because he loves to surprise me.

He tells me I’m silly and perfectly imperfect. I don't need to be anyone else but me and he loves me for me.

He tells me that he sees me, hears me, feels me and smells me too. We both were meant for something so great. Something of fairytales and happily ever afters. We consume each others dreams and we wait for one day all of this to be true.

But he doesn't know me. And I don know him. 

So I’ll wait and keep waiting till I hope one day for us to know each other’s name.

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

Dear -----,

I’ve been denying it for so long. so much your name hasn't slipped out of my mouth in a while. But truth is I’m still in love with you. We don't talk anymore. Like at all. Its been exactly a year and 10 months. I wished you a happy birthday and you didn't even give me a thanks, you just said ‘k’.

Was ‘k’ all you needed from me? Was ‘k’ your good bye? When we broke up it wasn't because we wanted too. It just wasn't the right time. But years have passed and we are at the age were it’s right and it would be perfect. But here I am, dwelling on what use to be and you’re with her. She was a good friend but it stabs me in the heart when i read things like ‘i didn't see her clearly then, like I do now.’ 

You saw me then and you’ve seen me now. What happened to the I love you but when were are older and more ready, I’ll love you then like I’ve always had if not more. Just wait for me. Well I’ve waited for so long and I given up in hoping that one day you’ll be my friend again. But then you do things. Things that  remind me why i love you. You always give my family a christmas gift, meaning you drop of those cheerio snacks i love. but you do it silently. you don't knock, you don't leave a note or anything. But who else would know I love those snacks? You do it and its like you’re teasing me and love that you are. When will you stop doing that?

I think about home a lot since I’m going home in 15 days. Sometimes I miss it. Well mostly my friends. Actually just my friends and my parents sometimes. But never do I say I want to go back to Tracy because of you. The school where met is right in front of where I live.The park in which we snuck out to meet is still standing and I take my cousin to it when he wants me too. The movie theater where we had our first date is the same. I even remember which seat we were in. The middle school where we were inseparable, well it still stands a few feet away from my home. Where we had our first kiss, its right off the freeway when I come home. Where you won your first championship and the first person you went to give a hug to was me, its the first thing I see when entering cowtown. The Target parking lot where you broke my heart, telling me that you loved me but you wanted time to focus on school but to wait because you’ll always find me. its still there. every memory, every kiss, every hug, every laugh, every heartbreak and stupid butterfly feelings of love, well its there.

 We were best friends. We were first loves. We were soccer players for life, we were the ones going to make it out of this town but come back together. 

I remember the night at the Marriot in Fresno, where we snuck out and you played Fall For You and promised me that no matter what....I’d be your best friend in the middle of the night next to a shady looking pool. 

 I even remember that cold Target night in high school where you promised you promised to always come back to me. 

In those moment I believed that. I believed that we were more then just us. We were going to something great. Something Taylor swift songs couldn't touch.

But its not you and me anymore. I’ve tried to be that but you won't try no more. You won't at all. Does this mean you’ve broke your promise. Does this mean that everything was a lie and you don't think of me anymore. Does this mean its over?

I don't know anymore. I don't but as of right now, I'm so pathetic, that if you asked for me to travel to where you are. I wish to think I was Lois Lane or even Peggy Carter enough to say no. But i would because I still love you. I still know that your middle name is Dean, i’ve memorized your number by heart, I know that the little mole on your right arm is a growing concern because it isn’t a normal shape. I still know that. I have the diary entries, the pictures to know this.

And the problem is, my fear is. That, that will never change nor will I find this in anyone else. 

So thanks for ruining  Mary's Song (Oh My My My). 

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

Jennable Confessions #2

Not to my friends (they usually can call bullshit or know when I'm lying), sometimes to my family, but mostly to college people and people I meet. Is that weird?

I feel like at my school it's a competition to see who is the most unique person on campus. 

So I tell a lot of lies to them, well to people who I'm not close too. And sometimes I repeat them enough that I forget which ones are real and which ones I made up.

For example, I've only got drunk really bad once. Only once. (Tipsy like twice but i don't count that) And I've only smoked weed (okay not really smoked because I was pretending to smoke it but i can't get over the horrible smell of it) like twice. 

It's just not me to do those things. I try to be open but... i just can't. because...well i'm not sure why but i can't. And people are okay with that, but then I feel....well outcasted and weird because its not them putting me in a bubble...but i'm putting myself in one . So then I go out and try...but nothing. Like really nothing.

Also I'm not 100% if I have confessed this yet but I lied to my Latin American class peeps and said I was born in Mexico and am actively part of a Yucatan Maya tribe....Which came to bite me in the ass because then my teacher was curious and asked for me to do a presentation about the Mayas and I literally did a bullshit presentation. I only know like two stories (the moon one and the ocean one) and even with those...i only know the basics like the names and main idea of the stories...so yea. Imagine how that went

Lastly, I really don't have two brothers...I told that white lie freshman year since my roommate had like six and made it seem having more siblings was cool...so I pretended and still pretend that I have two. What is weird is that I tell myself I'm not going to lie anymore...yet I kind of tell a lot of people I have two brothers for some odd reason. I have one "real" brother. The other guy is actually one of my good friends who I consider a brother and he treats me like a sister more then my own blood brother does. I don't lie about where he is or what he does but he isn't my blood. I want to think I tell people this because I'm proud of him and I truly feel as if he is my brother but sometimes i think i tell people that because, once again, I want to sound unique when I'm just a plain jane and I also don't want to be caught lying...so yea

##I also lied HUGELY somewhere above and somehow I don't want to delete the text because well its sounds as if i have this amazing life going on.

So yea my confession is short and simple. I tell white lies a lot more then I thought I do...I'm afraid thell catch up to me. But what is the most scary thing to me is sometimes I can't recall which ones aren't lies and which ones are.

[trustandjenniepixiedust]

Jennable Confessions #1

My name is Jenn and I have many confessions to make.

After watching Akward. I liked the idea of typing out my life/feelings/problems/etc. My diary was good for a while, but writing is to slow for me. I like the feel of the keys and the sound of my fingers hitting them as I type away...well my life. So this is day one of Jennable Confessions

Jennable Confessions #1

I pretend to know what love is. But I've never felt true, unadulterated, all-consuming, head-over-heels love for anyone. Not even a teeny bit...

As many of you know, I've literally only had 1 true boyfriend in my life...and though it was complicated, it's been over for ages. Like as in never going to happen again. And I think the only reason I hang onto it is because T.H. was the closet thing to love I've ever felt. But I didn't love him nor do I now. I think I just love the idea of love so much, and since he was my first BF, I put up some fake idea together that somehow tied love and T.H together. 

Alas, though I did not love him nor will I ever love him. 

So my confession is plain and simple. I don't know what love is. I sometimes pretend to have an idea but I don't. I don't know at all and sometimes it scares me to think that I might never know.