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forlornmelody · 6 years ago

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Double The Trouble Chapter 9 -- Justified

Rating: Explicit (other chapters are NSFW)

Ship: FemShep x Femshep Clone // Shenko, eventual OT3

AO3 Links: Chapter 1 // This Chapter

Summary: Shep had planned to spend another night alone. Instead she has a surprise visitor–one she had never expected to see again.Unapologetic consensual clone smut.

Note: This is a sequel to Spare Parts, but obviously you can read this without reading the other fic.

This chapter, and all future chapters are in present tense. No reason other than I fell in love with writing this way while working on the prequel, and now I can’t stop.

Jane Shepard eyes her therapist critically. Kaidan’s words at breakfast have been weighing on her mind all morning. “You’re not like...some neo-Cerberus spy, are you?”

Her therapist quirks her head in that way that tends to rankle Shepard, at least in this room full of acid-trip paintings, fake plants, mood lighting, and plush pillows. It all screams at her Shouldn’t you be happy? “You worried I’ll tell sensitive information, Shepard? I would be a terrible therapist if broke your confidence.”

You’re a terrible therapist already, Susan, Shepard thinks to herself, but doesn’t dare say it out loud. She wants her damn biotic amp back, so she needs to behave. That, and Susan never seems to take her seriously. So Shepard says nothing, eyeing the window, skimming the book titles on the shelf, and the patterns of Susan’s blouse while she gathers her thoughts.

“Hey, Shepard.” Shepard always knows how Kadian’s feeling by the way he says “hey.” This time he’s on edge, and Shepard reaches over the table and their pancake breakfast to grab his shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Shepard pulls her hand back. In hindsight, they went straight to sleep last night. She didn’t think much of it, then--too exhausted for a romp after dinner. Setting her fork down, Shepard replies “Out with it.”

Kaidan takes a deep breath like he’s about to go under. “Jane wants to see Maya.”

“Oh.” Shepard sits back. She should have seen this coming, with their conversation last week.

“She said you told her I knew where she was.”

Shepard rubs her face, taking a big gulp of coffee. “Sorry. I was kind of distracted when she brought it up.”

Kaidan raises an eyebrow.

“Not that.” Shepard rolls her eyes. “It’s when we were arguing at the Reds’ headquarters.”

Both his eyes went wide. “You went to the Red’s territory?”

“She wasn’t returning my calls!”

“I’m not mad. I mean. Are you okay?” He says it carefully, as if he’s walking in zero gravity.

Shepard nearly says she’s fine but she bites her lip instead. “It sucked. I’m not going to lie. But I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Kaidan squeezes her hand. “Of course. I’m just surprised you didn’t tell me.”

“Are you?” Shepard takes a gulp, ignoring her half-eaten pancakes.

“So what are we going to do about Maya?”

“And you’re still not sure?”

Shepard hasn’t told Susan about the nature of her relationship with Jane. She already feels like she’s under a lot of scrutiny. Susan is an Alliance-appointed therapist, after all. Honestly, she probably shouldn’t even tell her about this situation. If something goes wrong, Shepard will go straight to court martial, and no reaper invasion will save her this time. “I’m not going to do anything rash.”

“But what are you going to do?”

“What’s the harm of letting them visit? If we’re really worried, we can always take her amp away.” Oops. She probably shouldn’t have brought it up like that.

Susan eyes her. “Is this about your clone, or about you?”

Shepard breathes in through her nose and out through her mouth. She can’t afford to lose her temper right now. “I’m getting sensation back in my left arm. Pins and needles--that sort of thing.”

“And this relates to your amp how?”

To make things easier, Shepard tries imagining Udina in Susan’s place, but that just makes her blood boil more. Tevos? Christ. Her chest tightens up. No, no, no.��

“What are you thinking right now?”

Tears spring in her eyes before she can stop them. “I hate having to fucking justify myself to you. To anyone.” She hates how she’s making a scene. She hates that she can’t breathe.

Susan taps away on her Haptic Adaptive Interface. “And why do you feel the need to justify yourself to me?”

Shepard puts her head in her hands, squeezing her hair until it pulls at her scalp.

“You just don’t get it.” Shepard glares at her blurry shape, breathing in sharply. “I feel twice as paralyzed without it.”

Susan nods slowly. Fuck. Can she even move without looking down her nose at her? “Does it remind you of a time before?”

Talking about it hurts too much. “Yeah,” she manages to say.

“Mm. I see. Shepard, if you’re feeling up to it, I would like to try something new with you.”

Shepard rubs her eyes, blinking at her. “Will I get my amp back if I say yes?”

“I want to see how you do with it first.” Typical. “What are you feeling in your body right now?”

“Not much. That’s kind of the problem, Susan.”

Susan shakes her head ever so slightly. “Close your eyes first. Of what you do feel, how would you describe it?”

Shepard takes a breath. She must behave. She must work with her. Or she really will lose her mind. “Like someone dropped concrete on my chest. Filled my lungs with it too. And my shoulder hurts like hell.”

Susan asks, “And when have you felt like that before?”

Another breath. “Horizon.”

“The first or the second time?”

“The first.” Shepard sniffs, wiping her nose.

Susan hands her a box of tissues. “And is the pain the same, or has it moved?”

“It’s in my, fists too.”

“And before that?”

“When I updated the Council on Saren...and asked to go to Illos.”

They repeat the cycle a few more times, until they get to one memory Shepard really doesn’t want to talk about. “When I was with the Reds.”

“Ah. I wondered when we would get here.” Susan hands Shepard two buzzers. “Are you familiar with EMDR?”

“Yeah.” Shepard swallows. She remembers doing it before. She remembers it not being pleasant.

“I want you to describe this memory. And while you describe this memory and what happened, and how it made you feel, I’m going to activate the buzzers like this.” She flips a switch, and each buzzer vibrates in turn. It’s an odd, if not distracting sensation, but it doesn’t hurt.

Shepard remembers the moment vividly, but when she tries to describe it, no words come.

“Shepard. Feel your feet on the floor, and your thighs and back touching your chair. Note any tension in your body and release it. If it helps, imagine a green light touching those parts of you and healing your body.”

It sounds cooky, but Shepard complies, and when her therapist says nothing, she continues onto her memory.

She ducks inside the door, soaked from the rain. Just as she removes her coat, she hears Ice’s voice behind her.

“You’re home late.”

She spins around blurting the excuse she rehearsed the whole way back to headquarters. “Some narc was tailing me. Had to lose them.”

It’s then she realizes Ice and her aren’t alone. All the other enforcers of 10th Street, named ones--Greenie, Finch, and Caine--and the other Johns and Janes who’ve yet to make their first kill. This is bad. Really bad. She looks across and makes eye contact with her girlfriend, Jane--who’s rattling like a leaf in the fall. If she doesn’t cool it, she’s going to get them both in trouble.

“Wouldn’t be the first time a narc has seen you, right, Jane?” Ice stares at her with steel eyes, and she shivers despite the heat of their house.

“I don’t talk to narcs!” She snaps. She knows better. Her girlfriend, though?

Ice pats her shoulder. “I know you wouldn’t rat out your family, Jane.” Then Ice squeezes her shoulder so hard it hurts. “Just tell me who got Ace arrested and we’re good.”

Greenie shoves her girlfriend into the middle of the circle that has formed around them. Shit. They already know Jane told the cops. A cold feeling settles in her stomach. Damnit. Why couldn’t Jane keep her fucking mouth shut?

“Cat got your tongue?” Ice smiles. “Maybe you'd rather show me.” She presses a pistol into her hands. “Go ahead. Take care of it and we can all move on.” Squeezing her shoulder, Ice whispers into her ear. “You can finally get your name.”

She raises her gun, wanting to run. Her girlfriend sobs hysterically, begging her not to do it. If she doesn’t---

“You can be one of us.”

It’s what she’s wanted for years--to be a full-fledged member of the Tenth Street Reds with her own name and rep. It’s what she wanted until she fell in love with another Jane--a Jane who found a way out. The narc promised them a new life: witness protection--everything. They were so close.

“No, please! It won’t happen again.”

“One of us! One of us!” The other enforcers start chanting. Her hands are slippery with sweat. She feels the static on her skin and smells the tang of eezo in the air and she tries to shove it down. Freaks never stick around the Reds for long.

Ice laughs. “You’re right. It won’t. Do it, Jane.”

Hesitating with her finger sliding on the trigger, she shakes her head and lowers it. “No.”

The gun shot leaves her ear ringing, and her girlfriend’s blood splatters across her face before her body falls to the floor.

“I’m disappointed in you, Jane.”

“Breathe, Shepard. Breathe.”

Shepard’s eyes snap open, and she feels the tears on her cheeks. How long had she been crying? She gasps for air, trying desperately not to think of dying and how it feels like she’s dying again above a frozen planet beneath an exploding ship. Her therapist counts her breaths for her until the hyperventilating stops.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Susan looks at her placidly, turning the buzzers off.

“Do I get my amp back?” Shepard hands her the buzzers, feeling like she’s outside her skin.

“I’ll let you know.” Susan opens the door to let her out. “See you Friday.”

Typical. Shepard shuts the door behind her.

#mass effect #jane shep #clone shep #femshep #shenko #femshep x femshep clone #angst #so much angst #and please don't take this as me hating on therapy #just hating on bad therapists

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