#JESSICA. IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK AT 8AM. IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK JESSICA.

[safyresky]

oh, to end this scene with blinter sex joke, or to leave it with the feels. decisions, decisions.

[alia15]

“My Name’s AA & This Is What I Eat Every Day!”

I remember seeing an article months ago about how, in order to stay in good shape for her tour, Mariah Carey only ate salmon and capers.

That’s it.

First of all, gross -- to both of those (I’m not a fan of either) -- but also, what is it about these celebrities and their blatant distaste and disregard for good/normal food?  Whenever I’d thumb through a magazine and get to the featured celebrity interview it always said something like, “Jessica Alba snacked on raw carrots and celery during our fun photoshoot and told us she stays so svelte by sticking to a strict vegan diet!”

No.  Give me meat or give me death.

Or what about those articles outlining what some size double-zero supermodel eats in a day, as if any of us regular folk could EVER replicate it?  First of all, I typically don’t know what half of the food even is (and let’s face it: it probably tastes like dirt) and secondly we all know eating healthy is expensive AF.  

Know what’s NOT expensive AF?  Chipotle.  Just sayin.

I found one of those “Hi I’m [insert supermodel name here] and this is what I eat in a day” articles and this one actually had a ton of controversy around it.  Why?  Well, here’s an excerpt:

"At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy."

Source: Elle Magazine

Seriously... dafuq did I just read?  You might be thinking, “OK well that was just a weird breakfast; some people don’t like to go nuts in the morning -- I’m sure her lunch is more normal and substantial!”  And yes, you’re right.  You’re absolutely right.  It’s VERY normal:

"For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I made this while on a phone meeting before heading out for the rest of the work day. I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco, and it's insanely delicious.

Anyway, all this stuff got me thinking about doing a version of “What Does AA Eat in a Day?” -- you know, to give my readers a little BTS look at my diet and food intake habits.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

BREAKFAST

if it’s Monday then my office has free bagels and you BEST believe I am getting one.  since i like to be super healthy, i opt for the whole wheat everything (anything white is a no-no!) and then put a mount everest-sized glob of cream cheese on it.

if it’s NOT bagel monday, i’ll grab anything with carbs -- an english muffin, toast, oatmeal (not like, the steel cut boring oats -- the maple brown sugar packets that have 10 gazillion grams of sugar) OR i’ll find some kind of granola bar with chocolate in it that makes me THINK i’m being healthy even though i’m practically eating a snickers bar.

oh, and coffee of course.  with milk (sometimes half and half!) and sugar.  because black coffee?  well, it’s disgusting. 

LUNCH

again, i’m super healthy so i generally eat a salad every day.  i know, i know -- i’m like one of those victoria’s secret angels!  anyway, a salad isn’t good unless it has some kind of meat, cheese, avocado and a fun dressing, amirite?  oh, i also usually ignore most of the lettuce and eat everything else because lettuce is nothing.

SNACK

we’ve got a snack closet at work which shows how thoughtful and considerate my office is!  my blood sugar often gets low and i need to eat something before i crash and burn around 3-4pm, so i head there for something light like sun chips or white cheddar popcorn.  yay for energy!

oh, shit.  someone made brownies for a coworkers birthday, too?  guess i have to have one.  wouldn’t want to be rude, ya know?

DRINK

usually around one half of a small poland spring water bottle per day; maybe a full one if i’m feeling crazy.  wouldn’t want to drink more than that and have to pee every 12 seconds! 

DINNER

if i didn’t food shop over the weekend which happens often since i’m a super busy and important person, i’ll opt for your typical ‘i’m a poor college student’ dinner and eat eggs, turkey bacon (again, i am very healthy) and toast.

i also like to reward myself with takeout (sushi, thai food, pizza) when i feel as though i have worked hard, endured stressful situations and annoying humans and commutes and therefore deserve it.  #treatyoself

and yes, sometimes i do cook healthy things like shrimp and veggie stir-fry or turkey chili or mediterranean salad or grilled chicken...but then comes:

DESSERT

a day without dessert is a day that is wasted.  maybe i’ll *trick* myself into thinking i’m eating dessert and opt for greek yogurt with granola, chocolate chips and fruit in it, but...sometimes i’ll actually just have real dessert.  chocolate, usually.  tates chocolate chip cookies?  nutella?  those justin’s mini peanut butter cups?  chocolate covered pomegranates that aren’t actually pomegranates, but instead say “real pomegranate flavoring” on the bag?

Hey, besides -- I’m sure that supermodel chick from the Elle article eats dessert, too...right?  Let’s check in again:

"At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil. I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don't want to deny the indulgence—so I've devised a million low glycemic recipes."

OH FOR F*CKS SAKE.

So, that’s my diet.   Think one of them glamour magazines would want to feature it?  

Tell me: what do YOU eat in a day?

[safyresky]

i'm not even joking, i'm very upset about the choco milk iced capp thing I am literally replying to the email like HE SAID HE NO PICKLES except it's me saying I SAID CHOCOLATE MILK AT 8AM, JESSICA (literally)

It's not a mean email, I know she's just doing her job and such, like, I get it. customer service. It;s just. IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK, JESSICA