#JAYCEPS !!
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dont they know that im a WHORE for biceps
#my only love âËâš.* ⥠*.âšËâ#god#hoon in a backwards visor#jays armband#JAYCEPS#HOONCEPS#MY BOYFRIENDS ACTUALLY#literally fuck me#jay enhypen#sunghoon enhypen#park jongseong#park sunghoon#enhypen
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mama what are you doing here .. đđđ DID I KNOW YOU WERE REREADING THIS .. the jaemin curse (lovingly) continues forever and ever.. boys are temporary jaemin is forever. i love you.
GIRL exactly.. jay IS the stuff of dreams so so real and I fucking love that moment of him like why is he giving earphone đđđ such a fire gif to have as your legacy heâs so fucking silly like this silly guy
YN AND SAKURA MAN HATERS #MAKEHIMSUFFER #WOMANINMALEFIELDS
jay arms jay biceps jay arms jay biceps jarms jayceps
jay is so hot.. jay is so hot so so hot ..Â
pinky promises are so intimate like.. i love having my pinky locked w someone.. jay if youâre reading this please hiÂ
đđđđđđđđđđđđthinking about it now tbh i kinda hate the library flirters too..
i love reformed fuckboys tbh like love love love like as in love.
AND YES OH NY GOSHS.. thereâs something about a guy saying please.. like thereâs a certain way they say it sometimes that genuinely makes me itch oh my gosh im nervous just remembering this jayâŚâŚâŚ. guys who begâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ
PLAGIARISE ??? what is it w tumblr users whose urls end with âcoreâ and plagiarising me / accusing me of it.. tew much. it would be an honour to be plagiarised by you.
nothing to lose
pairing: jay park x fem!reader
summary: after a hockey party, a football game, and a near perfect first kiss, jay is humbled by his (practically silent) friend sunghoon, who reminds him that he has nothing to lose.
genres: university / college au, friends (uni crushes) to lovers, smut, fluff
warnings: minors dni, vaguely (very?) british undertones..
word count: 24,064 .. sorry.
playlist: awkward sza, do you like me? daniel caesar
author's note: please just be nice to me and let me know your thoughts (positive / negative / anything as long as ur not mean abt it) .. thank u @asahicore my rock, my bestie, my beta reader .. <333 hope u enjoy !!!
When you pair his kind eyes and charming smile with his ever-positive outlook on life, itâs easy to see why Park Jongseong is heavily popular amongst the student body; even described by your flatmates (and the rest of his fan club) as the stuff of dreams. And in your dreams, you know exactly why heâs staring in your direction with a sweet smile on his face. In real life, however, you have absolutely no idea and itâs kind of weird. Not his smile itself, no, his smile is.. really pretty, but itâs kind of weird in the sense that itâs directed at you.Â
You think.Â
Most of the libraryâs population sits across the room in the computer lab and based on your seat, at an empty table, in the (also empty) far corner, heâs either smiling at you or at the wall that your head is resting on. Itâs not until the two of you lock eyes that you feel you should smile back, though your brows knit together at the way he whips his head around in the other direction when you do â a move that seems out of character for the Park Jongseong that you know. Or rather, the Park Jongseong Jay that you knew.
The Jay you knew was a (more than) pleasant enough guy who grinned in a way that pushed a dimple into his cheek every time he got to class and sidled his way through the aisle to sit in the seat next to you. The very first time he did it heâd mistaken you for someone else, his smile faltering slightly as he sat down anyway, a large hand extended to you.
âJay,â he introduced himself, nodding thoughtfully when you told him your name and holding on to your hand for a split second longer than what was comfortable. And even though it was clear that heâd been sitting in the wrong seat, at Na Jaeminâs end-of-year party months later, you acted shocked when he told you about how heâd forgotten to put his contacts in that morning. Nonetheless, he continued sitting next to you in that class for the rest of the semester.
From your current seat in the library, you watch him curiously, wondering if he might look over again. For two minutes, he leans against a shelf in the reference section, completely unaware of his audience (you) as he types on his phone. You canât take your eyes off him until the sudden vibration of your phone startles you, your hand reaching for it immediately thinking (hoping?) it might be a text from him.
yj: hockey mixer tnÂ
yj: what are you guys wearingÂ
You feel relieved to see that itâs just Yunjin in the group chat, though, as you read the messages, you struggle not to roll your eyes seeing that she (captain of the hockey team) is still trying to convince you (non-member of the hockey team) to go to the hockey mixer. By the looks of things, the field hockey team is the last to take advantage of the space that the student union building has to offer. Functioning as a nightclub over the weekend (and on select weeknights), The U is the place to be if youâre looking for a good time for a good price.
Unlike the other club parties, tonightâs hockey mixer is Yunjinâs answer to concerns raised by members of the studentsâ union about binge drinking on campus. According to her: âA mixer is an informal gathering where people mingle, interact, and get to know each other. And a party is,â she paused, fixing her eyes on the ceiling as if waiting for divine inspiration to strike. âFun.â She didnât seem pleased when you asked if this meant that the mixer would be boring and eventually confessed that the hockey party would be a mixer in name only.
You lock your phone without responding and lift your gaze back to references only to find that Jay is gone; stuck to the part of the bookshelf he was leaning on, you notice a lopsided poster featuring two crossed field hockey sticks and a ball over a green gradient, and a chill runs down your spine. If Yunjin is one thing, sheâs bad at graphic design persistent.Â
Unfortunately, in all your time spent not working, you find that your laptop hasnât begun doing your research paper for you, and the Google Doc looks exactly the same as it did when you last edited it one hour ago, with only the intro from the UNâs Sustainable Development Goals website pasted into it. In the bottom left corner of your screen, a white box tells you that itâs 467 words long, and, feeling a rare bout of motivation, you get to work paraphrasing and attempting to condense the text.
As morning turns into afternoon, the library starts to get busier and busier, and despite the low hum of several different conversations creeping in through your earphones, youâve gotten into a flow with your work and donât let anything distract you. That is until Jay himself lets his backpack thud onto the table across from you, brows raising a little at the sudden noise, before pulling out the chair and sitting down.Â
âNeed a study buddy?â he asks, a tentative hand on the zipper of his jacket.Â
You take a moment to observe him; the way he asked to join you after having already joined you, settling into the seat before youâd had a chance to say anything. A part of you wants to say âno,â just to see how he reacts, but, with a smile on your face, you take out your earphones and say, âSure.âÂ
A grin spreads over his lips as he mumbles the word sweet, shrugging off the oversized coat and letting it drape over the back of his chair, revealing a chunky pair of headphones sitting around his neck and a thin gold chain with a hook pendant on it. His dark hair sits flat on his forehead and he rakes a hand through it twice before taking a textbook out of his bag. He doesnât touch it, though. Instead, he lets his elbows rest on the table in front of him, biceps flexing slightly under his sleeves as he crosses his forearms. âWhat are you working on?â he asks.
âA report on the integration of renewable technology in buildings, for my sustainable development class.âÂ
Jay hums, brows raising slightly. âRenewable tech like solar panels and shit, right?âÂ
âRight.âÂ
Another grin, pretty, sincere. âItâs cool youâre getting to learn about the stuff you care about,â he tells you, and even if you hadnât been looking at him, youâd have been able to hear the smile in his voice, light, sweet. Jay is sweet. The statement trickled out of his mouth so simply, so casually, a small detail that you have to rack your brain to recall sharing with him; still just as attentive as you remember. âReally.â
âYeah,â you nod, smiling too. âExactly.âÂ
Thereâs a distinct comfort that rolls off of Jay in waves as the two of you chat, and the scene feels familiar. Itâs reminiscent of the nights youâd spend together last term, at a table like this one with the notes from your shared Property Law lecture sprawled out in front of you while pretending to study. The two of you would find anything else to talk about, and constantly received dirty looks from the laughter youâd struggle to stifle.Â
Itâs not until Jay reaches for his textbook that you properly check it out, and as a non-fashion student, youâre not expecting to know what subject heâs studying but youâre pretty sure that Nutrition, Energy, and Human Performance are not part of his curriculum. âExcercise Physiology?â you ask, reading its title.
âI picked it up earlier for Sunghoon. Heâs at the rink all morning,â he nods.
âSo why are you studying it?â
Jay laughs, shifting in his seat. âItâs, like, the only thing I have in my backpack. I just came over here âcause I wanted to say hey.âÂ
It takes everything in you not to say âawwâ out loud; his sweetness palpable, his smile contagious, and his eyes so bright and warm that your heart soars in your chest when you look at them. âHey,â you say after a beat.Â
âHey,â he chuckles. âHow was your break?âÂ
âIt was good! I went home for a week, or so, and then I got bored and came back to hang out with Chaewon,â you tell him, grinning despite yourself at the memory of poorly mixed cocktails and days spent lounging by the pool at her familyâs holiday home. â85% of the summer was just us running around being stupid.âÂ
âAnd the other 15?âÂ
You feel more than a little awkward about telling him that you spent the other 15% fooling around with Jaemin, so with a forced smile you tell him, âJust more running around being stupid.â Hopefully, he canât sense your mild discomfort and thinks youâre scratching your neck because itâs itchy and not because of the slight guilt you feel. âHow was yours?âÂ
âMinus Chaewon, I had, like, the exact same break.â He pauses, breaking out into the widest grin youâve ever seen. âOh, and I went to the Yuuri show! It was crazy.â He runs a hand through his hair, sitting up a little straighter in his seat. âI was gonna text you but I didnât wanna bother you during break or anything.âÂ
âOh,â you say, dragging the vowel. âRight. So youâre bothering me during term time instead?â You tease, though with the way Jayâs eyes widen and his brows knit together, it doesnât seem like heâs caught on to your joking tone. âIâm kidding, tell me all about it,â you add as quickly as you can manage, a huge smile on your face.Â
Relief washes over you as Jay laughs, his shoulders shaking, and his nose crinkling, showing off the scar across its bridge that youâve come to like so much. After calming down, he watches you carefully, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. âRight,â he finally says, taking a breath before talking with excitement and at great length about the concert.Â
But it isnât without slight interruption: Jayâs phone vibrates against the table a few times, and he ignores it, eventually turning it on do not disturb before squinting at you. âYouâre not allowed to laugh. Pinky promise me you wonât laugh.â He holds his hand out to you, wagging his pinky finger in your face. Thereâs a smile on his lips when you link your finger with his, his skin rough against your own when he squeezes your pinky. As much as his tight grip is starting to hurt, you (unsuccessfully) fight off a smile when you realise that the two of you are effectively holding hands.Â
âIâm not gonna laugh,â you promise.
A beat passes before Jay lets out a chuckle. âThatâs my girl,â he says, voice low as if he didnât want you to hear him. You wish you didnât hear him.Â
When you try to let go, he doesnât budge, only easing up a little so heâs not cutting off your circulation anymore; just holding it lightly with his. Across the table from you, struggling to meet your eyes, Jay wears a sheepish look. âHe threw his pick out into the crowd at the end of the show, and I caught it!â he tells you, looking away. âAnd I cried..â His voice thins out into practically nothing though you think you hear the words âhome,â and âHeeseung,â before he stops talking completely.Â
Jayâs sentimental side has tugged at your heart for as long as youâve known him, and given the way heâd sobbed quietly in his seat at the cinemas when youâd gone out to watch a late showing of Spider-Man 2 together, you find it easy to imagine him welling up over catching Yuuriâs guitar pick.Â
For some reason, much like the tears heâd shed over Peter Parker, you find the thought quite cute, and a smile teases at the corners of your mouth as you make a mental note to finally listen to some Yuuri songs later on. Jay looks at you expectantly, and before you have the chance to speak his phone starts to ring, vibrating incessantly against the table, though Jay doesnât take his eyes off of you.Â
âDo you need to get that?â you ask, unable to suppress the snort that makes its way out.Â
Jay shakes his head. âYou promised me. Youâre still promising me,â he says, lips curving into a frown as he makes a show of waving your still-linked hands. Â
âNo, itâs cute that you cried.âÂ
He seems shocked by this. âReally?âÂ
âA little.âÂ
His mouth falls open in a silent gasp as he furrows his brows at you. âA liââ Heâs cut off by his phone vibrating once again, and he releases your pinky to check it. Jay sighs lightly, reading the messages from his screen and picking up the textbook. âSorry, Hoonâs on my ass about this thing. I gotta go.âÂ
Disappointment weighs lightly on your shoulders at his words, though you do feel better when you see the little pout on his lips, hoping that it means he doesnât want your conversation to end either. âI get it,â you say, shooting him a smile that you hope is convincing as he puts the book in his bag before pulling his jacket back on, and standing up from his seat.Â
âIâll text you,â he says cheerfully, waving at you before leaving. He looks over his shoulder a few moments later, waving again with the same smile from earlier on his face.Â
You canât help but watch as he retreats, captivated by the air of confidence he somehow exudes even without showing his face, until he disappears into the mix of students by the entrance, becoming just another bag and shoulders in the crowd.Â
Without Jay to chat to, the idea of sitting in the library becomes jarring, and suddenly itâs time for you to leave too. You donât hesitate to grab your phone when it vibrates twice next to you, an odd combination of the relief from earlier and slight disappointment hitting you when you see that itâs Yunjin â texting you directly this time.Â
yj: if you wanna ignore me turn off read receiptsÂ
yj: open bar for girls on the team
you: sounds like the hockey girls are gonna have a good night
yj: iâll get you a jacket
you: donât bother iâm not going.Â
SWANG rattles through tinny speakers in the student union and with every free drink you knock back, it gets harder and harder to pretend to Yunjin that youâre not having a good time. The team jacket she snagged for you and Chaewon to share fits a little big over your shoulders as you conclude that Number 20 is a lot more popular than you thought if the vaguely disappointed look on many faces when they see your face is anything to go by.Â
Sitting in a booth towards the back of The U, you and Yunjin mumble along to the song with a shot in each hand as she starts a countdown from 3! and you wonder whether or not youâll be able to make it to class in the mornâ2!âing given how much youâve had to drink and how much of the night is still left to happen 1! The formerly rancid tequila goes down like water the first time around, and gets caught in your throat the second time.Â
âIâm so happy you came tonight!â she yells in your ear, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, choosing to gush while you cough into the crook of your elbow. âI always have the most fun with you but you never come out.â Her drunkenness is evident in the slightly higher pitch that her words take on and the way most of the consonants come out almost the same way the vowels do.Â
As sweet as sheâs being, you canât ignore the alarms blaring in your head hearing that your best friend would describe going out (at least) two nights a week as âneverâ going out, but you chuckle along anyway, locking your hand with hers.Â
With a smile on his face, Lee Jeno brings Chaewon back to the booth in one piece, ruffling her hair a little before raising a hand to salute you and Yunjin, and disappearing back into the crowd.Â
âThe period at the end of that last text almost convinced us,â she says as she takes her seat beside you. âBut I new your little crush on Jay wouldnât let you miss a chance to see him.â
âI donât know what youâre talking about.âÂ
Chaewon rolls her eyes, backing a shot before leaning over you to get closer to Yunjin. âSheâs pretending again.âÂ
With a scoff, Yunjin unlocks her phone and pulls up her camera roll to an album titled with an unfortunately cute ship name. âI canât stop thinkiââ You cut her off, snatching the phone from her hands and placing it under your thigh.Â
âOkay, okay,â you relent, letting your head fall back as you groan. âI may have had a.. thing for him last semester but Iâm over it now.âÂ
âDo you think heâll swipe up if I post a song he likes?â Chaewon reads between laughs.Â
Flustered, you sink into your seat after hearing the text that you sent two nights ago, hoping with all your might that the booth will open up to swallow you whole.Â
To your utter devastation, it does not.Â
The universe chooses to soothe you in a different way by sending an angel Kazuha to drag you all out onto the dance floor. With intertwined hands, the four of you âexcuse meâ and âsorryâ your way over to where Sakura and her friend Mark are dancing a little closer than usual with one another.Â
His hands are on her hips as he holds her back to his front, the two of them grinding to the music, but sheâs quick to smack his hands off of her and break away from him when she sees you guys approaching. Using a hand to push hair out of her face, Sakura laughs at nothing, smacking Markâs chest playfully while he glues his eyes to the floor.Â
âWe missed you at pres,â you say, wrapping her in a hug.Â
âRight, sorry, Mark had a thing at his place!âÂ
Despite understanding why she does, you ignore Chaewon when she nudges you at the mention of Mark and his place before hugging him too, agreeing when he says that you guys should come next time.Â
The six of you form a circle after greeting one another, jumping around while yelling obnoxiously to the music blaring into your ears. Over Markâs shoulder, you see Jay nodding at a friend before leaving the cluââIâm actually gonna go get some air,â you blurt out. âAlone!â you add before Yunjin can offer to come with.Â
Despite the way the breeze nips at your legs, the fresh air is a welcome slap in the face when it hits you; the previously ear-splitting music reduced to a pathetic mumble now that youâre outside. A few girls that you recognise from some of your classes stand opposite the, now short, entry queue, waving you towards them and blowing cigarette smoke over their shoulders. You shake your head when they offer you a draw, though (against your better judgement) you do accept a few hits of a polar menthol flavoured juul while chatting distractedly about your ânew spotâ on the hockey team and trying to find Jay â which doesnât take you very long.
Not too far from where youâre standing, he leans against the buildingâs grey brick while looking at his phone. Its OLED display casts a slight glow over his features, showing off the crease of his brow, the slope of his nose, and the tiny little pout set on his lips as he types.Â
You canât help but stare as Jimin and Minjeong plan the rest of their night, which includes afters at Yizhuoâs if she doesnât pass out, and extend an invitation to you and your friends â âI mean, weâre still gonna go. Sheâll probably need us more if she does,â Minjeong says, stubbing out a cigarette under her shoe before both girls head inside.Â
Waving goodbye, you let yourself find Jay again and take a deep breath. For a moment, you attempt to strategise in the way you and the girls always do together. A few possibilities play out in your head and right when you think youâve found a good openerââHello!â You find yourself saying as you stumble walk over to him.
As youâve come to expect, his mouth curves into a smile when he looks up at you. âHello,â he says, laughing through the word. In the short time it takes you to reach him, and lean about an armâs length away on the same wall, he slips his phone into his jacket pocket. âSince when are you a hockey girl?âÂ
With a smile of your own, you roll up your left sleeve to refer to a watch that youâre not wearing. âItâs been a few hours.â
Jayâs teeth press down on his bottom lip as he chuckles, before mumbling an apology and pulling his phone back out. You donât mean to peek at his screen when he opens the messages app, but you do anyway. And canât help but feel bad at the sight of your name at the top of the second message thread â the memory of Yunjin taking your phone so you couldnât text back forcing your stomach to turn a little.Â
Lifting your gaze back up to him, you sort of hate how pretty he looks as he ruffles his hair before putting his phone back in his pockâYou turn your head immediately, finding sudden interest in the lamp post that irregularly flickers a pale yellow over his shoulder. For a split second, it seems like you managed to stare at him without being caught, but if the little laugh he lets out is anything to go by, your neck jerk wasnât as subtle as youâd hoped.Â
âYouâre cute,â he grins, stepping a little closer. âIt suits you.â
Itâs a struggle to backtrack and remember what the two of you were even talking about as the faint scent of his cologne hits your nostrils. âF-field hockey?â you offer.Â
âThe jacket,â he clarifies, a sweet laugh slipping past his lips as he speaks.Â
âOhh, you too.â
He cocks his head to the side. âYou think this suits me?âÂ
His hand comes to one side of his denim jacket, holding it out slightly and allowing you to catch a proper whiff of his cologne and a glimpse of his bare shoulder. You worry a little about what might come out of your mouth if you open it, deciding for everyoneâs sake just to nod and pray that heâll leave the damn jacket alone.Â
âItâd probably look better on you.âÂ
An audible smile tugs at your lips. âNo way.â You shake your head, trying and failing to keep your giggles to yourself.
âYou wanna prove me wrong?â
With a tilt of your head, you turn the offer around in your mind; a pros and cons list starting to take shape.Â
Pros: getting to wear Jayâs jacket, having an almost permanent reason to keep chatting with him throughout the night, and getting to see Jay in a vest â arguably the biggest pro of them all, given the amount of IG stories heâs posted in the gym recently.
Con: losing free drinks privileges; which doesnât really seem like a huge deal because Chaewon can just wear the hockey jacket and get drinks for you like sheâs been doing for half of the night so far.Â
Under the weight of Jayâs stare, you shift on your feet, realising that heâs clearing his throat for the second time since he stopped speaking and you still haven't said anything. âBut then Iâd have to pay for my drinks,â you say in an attempt not to seem too eager. The words slur a bit on their way out, though youâre too caught up in the way Jayâs lips tug into a grin to fuss over it.Â
âNot if you stick wiââ He stops short, cut off by a voice from a few metres away. âJongsaaaaaaeeeeeeng!â it yells. And if not for his silver head of hair, youâd never have believed it was Park Sunghoon screaming like that.Â
âPoor guy kept icing himself,â Lee Heeseung calmly explains, walking ahead of Sunghoon and, what looks like, Sim Jake whoâve been giggling with one another since the cry left the youngerâs mouth.Â
Despite not knowing Sunghoon very well, from what youâve heard about him, itâs easy to imagine him hiding bottles of Smirnoff Ice to ice one of his friends, only to lose track of where heâd put them and find them himself later on, thinking one of his friends was icing him. The thought makes you stifle your laughter; you like the fact that Jay laughs too.Â
Before dapping Jay up, Heeseung offers him the confiscated Smirnoff Ice that Sunghoon had made quite a dent in, only shrugging when he declines. Jay watches as his friend wraps an arm around your shoulder in a polite side hug while asking if you want to finish the âsmiceâ. You let a beat pass before telling him that youâll think about it.Â
For a while, you listen as he fills Jay in on what he missed at pres, smiling at Jake and Sunghoon as they get closer, and wondering when it would be appropriate if at all, to introduce yourself to the three boys that youâve only ever walked by at parties or on campus. You find a window when the two arrive, waving a little when you tell them your name.Â
Jakeâs lips curve into what looks like a smirk as he looks over at you. âWe know,â he says, eyes darting quickly over to Jay before looking back at you.
Sunghoon says nothing.Â
The boys are quick to get back to their conversation, and Heeseung glances in Jayâs direction, nodding his head before making a show of unscrewing the cap on the smice and skying it. After an impressive chug, he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, holding up the empty bottle like a trophy before putting it in the bin.Â
With a slight frown, you realise that you didnât even get to tell him that you didnât want it.Â
Thereâs a grin on his face as he wraps his arms around Jake and Sunghoonâs shoulders. âSee you guys in there!â he says before guiding the two boys away and into the club.
With the two of you on your own again, you become hyperaware of your proximity, of the fact that if you moved your hand even a centimetre it would brush his. The heat from his body is dizzying, and with his body leaning down towards you, Jay is already watching you when you look up at him. His lips rest in a small smile that only widens at the sight of your face, seeming unbothered that youâd caught him staring. That it wouldnât take much to bridge the gap between your faces. Between your lips. Â
âThe offer still stands,â he says. âTo wear my jacket and drink for free.âÂ
A somewhat familiar 808 beat rattles through tinny speakers in the student union.Jayâs jacket fits pretty big over your shoulders as you try not to say anything ridiculous while he holds your hand, leading you through the crowd. Now that your hands are actually clasped, the butterflies youâd felt over having linked fingers for a pinky promise seem silly, completely eclipsed by the feeling of your heart clattering against your ribs. After every few steps, he looks over his shoulder at you, your cheeks burning hotter and hotter with each smile he throws your way.
Upon your return to the booth, you drop the team jacket in Chaewonâs lap, praying that your friends wonât say anything about Jay or the fact that youâre wearing his jacket â or the fact that despite having reached your friends safely the two of you are still holding hands. By the looks of things it seems as though telling her to move up isnât enough of a signal to her that youâd like to sit down; though maybe sheâs just too busy trying to shrug the jacket back on to move up. You tell yourself that sheâs just too busy trying to shrug the jacket back on to move up.Â
Chaewon wears a wicked grin on her face, making no effort to be discreet about staring at your intertwined fingers. âYN? Why arenât you dancing? You love this song!â she says, opening her mouth to wink obnoxiously at you and nudging Yunjin.
âI donât know this song,â you say, liking the way Jay laughs beside you, squeezing your hand a little.Â
For reasons unbeknownst to you, Yunjin sees this as the best opportunity to chime in, tilting her head before saying, âWhaaaaaaat? This is your favourite song! Trust me, Jay, she loves this song!âÂ
âAnd sheâs such a good dancer,â Chaewon adds. âHave you seen her dance, Jay?âÂ
You stand around dumbly, mouthing the word âstop,â at your friends and leaning up towards Jay when he leans down to you. âHow about a drink?â he asks with a voice as smooth as velvet, soft lips grazing the shell of your ear.Â
âPlease.âÂ
After telling the girls that youâll be back, and flipping them off with your free hand, you let Jay lead you back through the dance floor to the bar, letting an elbow rest on its surface. When you look at him, heâs watching you, his lips quirked up ever so slightly while he does so.Â
Letting your nails drum against the bar, you smile back. âSorry about my friends,â you say, unsure as to why youâre apologising but feeling like itâs the right thing to say.Â
âSorry about your friends?â Jay asks. He grins. âSorry about mine.â
You want to tell him that you liked his friends, that they seemed nice. Even though Sunghoon didnât speak, and Heeseung finished the drink he offered you before you even had a chance to let him know that you wanted it. But heâs already distracted.Â
His eyes scan the bottles that line the shelves behind the bar, and you busy yourself doing the same thing, the sight of almost every rum brand bringing up memories of past nights out with your friends. Two palm trees on a white bottle of âMarkLeebuâ leave you suppressing your laughter as you think about Sakuraâs friend falling asleep - standing up - against the wall of a club after drinking two bottles of Malibu to himself on a dare.Â
Jayâs breath fans your ear when he speaks, âWhat are you having?âÂ
âA jäger bomb.âÂ
With a nod, he orders your drink and a whiskey for himself, and as per his suggestion, the two of you toast âto third yearâ before drinking.Â
Jay makes good on his promise. One shot becomes two becomes three, and a cocktail in a comically large pitcher before you wake up the next morning to Sakura hogging the duvet, and no memory of anything beyond sitting down at the bar.Â
While lying on your back you curse two versions of yourself: the first for leaving the window open before you left, and the second for having so much to drink. Staring up at the ceiling, you attempt to go over your interactions with Jay using a fine-tooth comb to figure out just how badly you humiliated yourself last night. Given the fact that you donât remember what happened after 1 a.m. (or so), this doesnât take too long, and the corners of your lips quirk up into a smile as you think about the way his hand felt in yours.Â
Your memory tells you that he smiled a lot, but this seems like an insignificant detail because Jay always smiles a lot. There was a pitcher. A big one. Inside it was a vibrant, sweet, too cheap to be true cocktail that you sipped, blinked, and opened your eyes to find yourself in bed. The unaccounted-for period fills you with a visceral sense of dread, leaving you unsure if you shiver because of the temperature in your room or out of sheer embarrassment.Â
The notifications you find on your phone only make you feel more nervous, so you cover your eyes with your hand before checking them. You were mentioned in Chaewonâs Instagram story (which means you behaved catastrophically), and you have a text from Jay (which .. well youâre not quite sure what to make of this). Through the gap in your fingers, you start by looking at the story, uncontrollable butterflies in your stomach from what you see. A picture (on close friends) of you sitting in Jayâs lap with his arms wrapped around your wairs, and his chin resting on your shoulder; the two of you donning wide grins with THESE TWOOOOOOO đđđ written over it.Â
Jayâs text is simple yet sweet: hope u got home okay, was realy nice getting to chill w u again <3. You donât even realise that youâre giggling until Sakura stirs next to you.Â
you: i did thank uuuuuuu
you: sorry if i was weird though hahaÂ
You say. Although all things considered, you canât really think of anything to be haha-ing about but Jayâs reply comes so quickly that you barely have the time to dwell on this fact. âNahhhh you were so cute dw,â he texts back.Â
With your stomach doing somersaults, you turn over in the bed, burying your head in the pillow to muffle a squeal.
Sakura wakes up.Â
While in the shower, you let the water hit you directly in the face for a bit with your eyes screwed tightly shut under the stream. And not a single thought occurs to you other than how cute Jay seems to think you are.Â
jay: do you have class today
you: slept in
jay: L
jay: for me.. i wanted to see you again Â
Your jaw falls open as you read the message, and over your shoulder, Yunjin lets out the gasp that you hadnât been able to. âOh, my God!â she says, watching as a cheek-aching smile creeps up on your lips. A small celebration ensues while the two of you squeal and kick your feet like children. And then your phone vibrates again.
jay: could still link if ur down?
jay: hold upÂ
Yunjin pulls air through her teeth. âCould still link if youâre down,â she reads before taking the phone from your hand. âFuckboy text, ignore.âÂ
Knowing youâre not likely to win the argument that Jayâs not a fuckboy â even though heâs not one, you think â you roll your eyes. âSo what if heâs a fuckboy?â you frown, pulling your knees to your chest.Â
âIf a fuckboy was supposed to be liked heâd be called a like boy,â Yunjin says as if reciting scripture. âText Jaemin back if you want a fuckboy.âÂ
You donât mean to groan out loud at her tone. âJaeminâs not a fuckboy, heâs just.. a guy. Who.. likes to fuck.âÂ
The sound of the front door opening prompts you to pause the TV, and the two of you crane your necks towards the open doorway to hear whatâs going on. Itâs Chaewon giggling loudly before speaking.Â
âThanks for bringing me home.âÂ
A deep chuckle sounds through the hall. Jeno. Of course. âYouâre my girl,â he says and his smile is audible through his words. âWhy wouldnât I?âÂ
Chaewon giggles at this too, and, pressing play on the remote, you share a look with Yunjin as you hear the beginning of a wet kiss. Brooklyn Nine-Nine gets through an entire cold open and the theme song before she â looking fresher than ever in her boyfriendâs sweatpants â joins you both on the couch.Â
âWhatâd I miss?â she asks.Â
âYunjin thinks Jayâs a fuckboy.âÂ
Chaewon lets out a snort. âWell, yeah, anyone couldâve told you that, dudeâs best friend is Lee Heeseung,â she says, though quickly changes her tune as if remembering her audience. âItâs all just rumours though, people see a good-looking guy whoâs overly friendly and flirts with everybody, and posts obvious thirst traps to his Snapchat story, and just assume heâs a fuck boy..â she trails off, sinking a little in her seat.
Somewhat disheartened, you nod your head. âRight.âÂ
âSo what did I miss?â Chaewon asks again, pointing at the TV this time.Â
Still in Yunjinâs custody, your phone vibrates in her lap and she gasps as she reads the screen. âA reformed fuck boy?â she says, holding the phone up for you and Chaewon to read.Â
jay: would you like to hang out with me later?Â
You grin despite yourself, reading the message and reading it again before telling him âyesâ, and later canât come soon enough. The time slips by like molasses and you finally meet up with Jay -four decades- two hours later, with no set plan, at the library where he approaches you with Jake and a smile on his face.Â
Friendly as ever, Jake chats with you and keeps a pretty smile on his lips the whole time. âIf you ever have a hard time with physics or math based classes, Iâve got you,â he offers, clearly happy to hear that youâre in STEM too.Â
âIâll keep that in mind,â you tell him, grateful as you remember the tears youâd shed over a Construction Mathematics lecture last year.Â
With a wave, Jake leaves the two of you alone, saying âSee you laterâ before walking away. He excitedly glances over his shoulder to where you stand with Jay a few times.Â
After telling you that he âknows a spot,â Jay takes you on a bit of a walk, successfully distracting you from the distance by keeping you talking. He listens enthusiastically while you ramble about a show you started, and you like the feeling in your chest when he says heâll check it out.Â
With a âta-da,â Jay extends an arm to the gate in front of you. A play park. âWeâre here!â he says, struggling to mask the excitement in his voice as he walks towards the empty play area. âItâs no fun when thereâs kids here so I brought us the long way.âÂ
As you follow him through the gate, you canât help but feel a bit nervous. The last time youâd been sober at a play park you were probably 15 or so, cutting through the park on your walk home from school with your friends. Youâd spin the roundabout at lightspeed cackling at the screams of terror coming from those sitting on it, and talk about your crushes while calming down on the swings.Â
Jay sits on one of the swings and watches you, and even though youâre not too sure what to talk about, youâre pretty sure confessing your crush on him as you sit next to him might send him running in the opposite direction. Instead, you clear your throat and look over at him. âSo your âspotâ is a play park?â you ask, using your feet to rock you back and forth.Â
He pulls air through his teeth, scrunching his nose and tilting his head. âWould you prefer it if I took you to CP in the Sky?âÂ
If Jay had his car with him, you might have hoped for that. Most of the boys in your city who drive, including Jaemin, have been known to take girls to a spot they know. Super quiet, private, and almost as pretty as you, theyâll say, and take you up to âCar Park in the Skyâ; the cityâs most notorious hook-up spot. Though, Jaemin hadnât exactly been secretive about wanting to hook up and actually only drove there after youâd told him about it.Â
You shake your head. âThe park is good, itâs great.âÂ
Conversation ebbs and flows between the two of you, the sounds of nature and the swings creaking keeping you company. Itâs nice spending time with Jay like this. Sober. And not holed up in the library or a cafe with assignments and deadlines on your mind.Â
You donât mean to gain momentum but you do, swinging about as high as you can, gasping when you see a car over the top of a climbing frame.Â
âWhat is it?â he asks, laughing to himself when you jump off the swing.Â
âI wanna take a drive!â you call out over your shoulder, jogging over to the wooden stationary car you saw.
Jayâs footsteps sound after yours, and he grabs you by the wrist before you climb into the driverâs side. âDid you get your licence yet?âÂ
You shake your head, watching as his mouth falls open, bracing yourself for a lecture on how a girl of your age should be driving already.Â
He looks aghast, in genuine distress before he speaks. âWhat makes you think Iâm gonna let you drive?â Jay nods his head to the other side of the car. âGo.âÂ
Letting out the most exaggerated sigh you can manage, you comply, dragging your feet to the passenger side and climbing in. Jay follows suit, sitting down next to you on the small connected seat built with kids in mind, and his thigh presses up against yours.Â
âDonât be upset, everyone knows passenger princess is way more fun than actually driving.âÂ
And rationally, you know heâs not specifically calling you a princess but your tummy turns nonetheless.Â
âWhatever,â you mumble, faking a sigh and struggling to suppress your laughter when he buckles a fake seat belt. Jay gives you a disapproving look when you donât move to do the same. âAre you serious?âÂ
âAs a heart attack,â he says solemnly, though you can see the smile teasing at his lips. âBetter safe than sorry, thatâs what I always say.âÂ
Thereâs nothing behind his words, no hidden meaning but you read into them anyway, hoping he canât hear the way you gulp at the thought that plagues you. For some reason, youâve chosen this hill to die on, shrugging at him and turning to look straight ahead.Â
Jay sighs dramatically, pinching the bridge of his nose before leaning over you to grab your âseat beltâ and buckle in by himself. He takes his time though, and the way he looks you dead in the eye makes you wish youâd just done it yourself. His face is close to yours, his breath warm against your skin, creating a welcome contrast to the cold air around you. He lingers for a beat before sitting up straight and clicking the belt into place.Â
âFinally,â he whispers, putting an imaginary gear stick into reverse and draping his arm over the back of your connected seat. You canât help but watch as he looks over your shoulders before moving the car, liking the way his side profile looks under the rapidly setting sun. Something stops him, he looks at you. âI canât focus with you staring at me like that,â he says, taking his hand from the wheel to touch your cheek.
Your breath catches in your throat. Jay grins, gently turning your face away from him. You stare over at the roundabout and feel just as dizzy as you would have if youâd taken him up on his offer to spin you on it.Â
Jay gets on with all the necessary checks before âstartingâ the car and âdrivingâ off. âWhat are you thinking about?âÂ
It probably wouldnât be appropriate to tell him that youâre thinking about the way it felt when he put his fingers to your cheek. Or how gentle he was with you, only pushing you a little bit and then guiding you the rest of the way. So you keep that to yourself. âThe movies.âÂ
You hear Jay chuckling next to you. âAll of them?âÂ
âYeah,â you nod. âThe drive-in kind. Have you been?âÂ
âI went once.âÂ
You gasp, excited. âReally? What did you see?âÂ
Jay thinks about it for a while. He thinks about it really hard before shaking his head, âYou know, I donât think I was paying much attention.âÂ
âYou spent all that money on a ticket and didnât even pay attention? What were you doing?â The words rush out before you can stop them and you cringe a little thinking about the possible answers.Â
He turns his gaze back out on the road. âSleeping,â he mumbles, swallowing thickly.Â
You wish you could go back in time to stop yourself from asking, finding an answer to the question: âIs it better to speak or to die?âÂ
âHey, we can go to the drive-in right now! I just need to put this thing in park and we can watch any movie you want!â he says, stopping the car and turning as much as he can in his seat to face you. âAny movie thatâs available with a Netflix subscription!â he adds, smiling when you do.Â
Cramped together in the front seat of the stationary car, the two of you watch The Devil Wears Prada and get about halfway through before Jayâs phone hits 10% â and itâs probably the best movie watching experience youâve ever had. Â
You take Jay up on his offer to walk you home, and he chats with you about the movie, telling you how much he thinks it totally blows that Miranda Priestly isnât a real person that he can work for after graduation, but he seems happy enough when you suggest that he could become Miranda Priestly. Â
Reaching the familiar crossing by the student union, you look up at him. âIf itâs easier, you can just head your way from here. I can literally see my building,â you offer, feeling bad about him walking so far out of his way.Â
Jay scoffs like itâs the most ridiculous thing heâs ever heard. âIâm not gonna make you walk by yourself.âÂ
âItâs barely five minutes,â you tell him, shaking your head. âYou donât have to.âÂ
âYN?âÂ
âHm?â
A pretty smile spreads across his lips. âI want to, letâs go.â And Jay hardly gets to start telling you about his upcoming mock trial before you reach your flat.Â
âThis is me,â you say, pointing at the door to your building.Â
He lets out a dry chuckle. âYouâre kidding.â
You shake your head. He frowns, looking terribly cute with his lips turned down like that. Though it doesnât last for long and he raises his brows when you gasp. âYou know, we came from a place Iâve never been before, and Iâm starting to think this might be the wrong street,â you say, struck by the sudden realisation. âWe should probably walk around the block a couple more times, just to really be sure.âÂ
Listening to your words, Jay beams at you and itâs heavenly. âI heard it can actually take, like, 4 or 5 walks around the block if you want 100% certainty.âÂ
âOh yeah,â you giggle. âI think Iâve heard that too. Should we make it 6?âÂ
âPerfect.âÂ
To your surprise, youâd both been wrong. As it would turn out, the required number of, very slow, walks around a student housing complex to be 100% sure, completely beyond a shadow of a doubt that youâre at the right place is ten.
âHey, uh, how about we do one more lap? Just to make sure? For the absolute best measure,â Jay suggests, eyes twinkling under the streetlamp. He almost looks a little nervous, burying his hands in his pockets as he watches you.Â
âSounds good.â
Just like your last few walks around the student housing block, fallen leaves rustle under your footsteps, and the back of Jayâs hand still brushes against yours, but this time feels different. Maybe because thereâs a finality to this; the last lap. You couldnât possibly ask him to spend any more time walking around here. Could you?Â
âThis neighbourhood is so cute, all the student apartments clustered together like this, I love it,â he says, looking over at you.
âItâs nice knowing that some of my friends, and the people I like partying with, live so close, but itâs always so noisy around here,â you tell him, continuing when he doesnât speak. ââCause itâs all just a bunch of 18â20âsomethings that live here, and The Uâs just down the street. The noise is fun when Iâm part of it, but when Iâm studying or just trying to sleep itâs annoying.âÂ
âDonât you think itâs kinda cool though? Thereâs always something happening. So even if the girls arenât down to go out, youâre not exactly short on plans.â
Youâd never really thought of it like that. Probably because Yunjin is always down to go out. But you like the way he puts it. You nod, reminded of your classmates who live in the building right next to where youâre walking. âYeah, I should probably text Minjeong more.âÂ
âAnd if not you can always hit me and see what Iâm doing,â he says at the same time.Â
You stop walking, and your heart â feels like it â stops beating.Â
Jay, noticing this, stands in front of you, hands help up defensively as he shakes his head. âYou donât have to do that, obviously. I just thought itâd be cool if you werenât doing anything and I wasnât doing anything, maybe we could link and do nothing together,â he explains. âIâm stupid, sorry.â
This might be the first time youâve ever heard Jay ramble like this, and your heart does a twirl just seeing his worried expression. âI think if Iâm not doing anything, and youâre not doing anything, then itâd be cool for us to link and do nothing together, Jay,â you smile, liking the way he visibly relaxes, his shoulders falling slightly and an exhale curling out of his mouth and into the air.
âCool.âÂ
When, for the 11th time, you reach your building, you turn to Jay and hesitate a little, unsure of what to say. Glancing at him, it looks as though heâs feeling the same way. A silence falls over the two of you.Â
Finally, Jay speaks. âGoodnight,â he says, pulling you into a hug.Â
Despite your surprise, you wrap your arms around his waist, holding him close. You hope he canât feel the way your heart is racing. Or the way it starts to pick up when you catch a whiff of his scent. Warm and cosy, tempting in a strange way that you canât quite put your finger on but you like all the same.Â
When Jay lets go of you, you look up at him almost instinctively. You donât mean to stare at his lips but you do, gulping at how close they are. You want to kiss him. Not any more than usual, but the urge is there. âGoodnight,â you say, taking a step back and walking up the path to the door.
Using your key fob, you unlock the door, turning to look over your shoulder and thankfully finding Jay still standing there, watching you with a stomach-turning smile on his face. âI had a really nice time tonight,â you say, smiling back.Â
âYeah?â
You nod. âWe should hang out more.â
âI think so too.âÂ
âCool,â you smile, biting your lip. âGoodnight, Jay.âÂ
âGoodnight, YN.âÂ
âCould you, text me? When you get home, so I know youâre, like, safe.âÂ
Jay beams at you, nodding his head. âOf course.âÂ
After a week (eleven days) of texting and hanging out with Jay when you can, you find yourself spending 3 hours of your Friday afternoon taking notes in your Sustainable Development lecture, and coming to the realisation that none of the course content is relevant to the report youâre trying to get through.Â
Seeing Jay leaning on the wall outside your class when you leave is a welcome surprise; he wears a thin pair of glasses and a smile that makes your heart stutter a bit as he stands up straighter, greeting you when he sees you and quickly falling into your step. âI meant to ask you earlier, are you going to the game on Saturday?â A beat passes. âFootball,â he clarifies. âFirst home game of the season.âÂ
âMaybe if my friends are going.âÂ
Jay seems to think about this for a moment as you round the corner at the end of the corridor and he holds the door to the stairwell open. âAfter you.âÂ
You mumble a thank you and count six steps before he speaks again.Â
âIâm going,â Jay informs you, his hand meeting the back of his neck to scratch awkwardly at it. âI mean, Iâm gonna be on the pitch but.. Iâll be there.âÂ
A breathy laugh slips from your lips at this added information; how sweet of the football teamâs captain to let you know that heâll be at his teamâs football game on Saturday. âIâll keep that in mind.âÂ
âI just think itâd be cool to see a friendly face in the crowd when I score the winning goal.âÂ
Given Jayâs unending kindness, you imagine that most of the faces in the crowd â or at least the ones from your uni â will be friendly, especially if he scores the winning goal. The thought causes a smile to itch at your lips as you consider that maybe he means that itâd be cool to see your friendly face in the crowd. And who could say no to that?Â
The rest of the conversation goes smoothly and Jay slows down when you reach the second floor. âI have some admin shit to work out, but Iâll see you at the game?â he asks, watching you with hopeful eyes and chewing on his bottom lip.
Knowing full well that youâll be there, you pretend to think about it for a moment. âMaybe.â
Jay chuckles at this, tilting his head. âPlease?âÂ
âMaybe,â you repeat, despite already planning your outfit. Did you wash your white shirt or will you be doing laundry tonight? You wave at Jay when he waves and make your way down the rest of the stairs while clicking mindlessly through Instagram stories.Â
Nothing interests you until you reach IG user onyourm__ark's story; a picture of IG user 39saku_chan in his football jersey. You hit the like button and pretend to believe that the song choice (Infrunami by Steve Lacy) was made purely out of sheer enjoyment of the artistâs early work.
With a smile on your face, you text the group chat to solidify your weekend plans.
you: are u going to the football game tmrw
cw: not even if u paid me
yj: hard no
yj: iâm going to the party AFTER the game though
yj: why?
you: itâs nothing dw
cw: ???
you: jay invited me..
The chill of Octoberâs first evening is unkind on your face as you sit amongst the rowdiness of drunk uni kids, cheering and groaning in unison as the game trudges on, and somehow Kazuha manages to sleep through it all with her head on your shoulder.Â
âFuuuuck,â Yunjin groans, shivering in the seat next to you. âI hate sports.âÂ
âSays the captain of the hockey team,â you say, voice coming out muffled behind the top of your jacket.
âPlaying and watching are, like, completely different.âÂ
Youâre sure Yunjinâs right, she has to be, but you have to admit that thereâs something more than slightly entertaining about watching a group of boys chasing a ball around and yelling expletives at one another, all while number 99 keeps a huge grin on his face, laughing at his teammateâs temper. Or lack thereof.Â
However, the novelty wears off at around 8:45 when the ref calls for half-time; a chill runs down your spine as youâre struck with the realisation that university football games are full-length. But other than Yunjinâs teasing, thereâs no use pretending that you hate the sight of Jay lifting the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face.
As the players retreat from the pitch and some students start to clear the stands, Yunjin gets up to stretch. She hums along to the song playing while you watch from your seat with aching knees, slightly envious and trying not to move too much and wake up Kazuha who sleeps soundly on your shoulder.Â
With her arms above her head, Yunjin lets out a yawn. âI canât believe Iâm saying this but Iâd really rather be doing a reading for marketing than be here any longer.â
âAnd Iâd rather be helping you out,â you say, frowning a little when Kazuha stirs. âHey, what do you think they do during half-time?â you ask distractedly.Â
She thinks about it for a beat, eyes flicking to the pitch before looking back to you. âWe usually strategise, use the bathroom, get water â quick things like that,â she says, raking a hand through her hair, watching as you shift a little in your seat to get your phone from your pocket when it vibrates. âThey have a lot longer than we do though.âÂ
jay: are you having fun?
you: yeah you guys are great, good game so far :)
Yunjin scrunches up her nose as she reads the exchange. âGod, youâre so boring,â she sighs, taking the phone from your hands, and typing something before showing the screen to you.Â
âWe should link at the party later,â you read, scoffing as you take it back and delete the message. âIâd never say that.â In those words.Â
jay: hahaha i think you might be my good luck charmÂ
A dramatic gasp comes from a now-awake Kazuha. âDonât reply!âÂ
You heed this advice, joining her as she stands up to stretch as well.Â
âLook how much fun theyâre having,â Kazuha sighs, pointing over at Sakura and Chaewon in their seats close to the pitch. They dance along to the music blaring through the speakers and laugh so loudly you can hear them despite their distance. âWhy didnât we join them?âÂ
You think about it for a bit, filled with regret. âAt the time, pregaming before the game and then pregaming again before the party seemed intense but..â you trail off, watching your friends clutch their stomachs in laughter. âNext time.âÂ
âNext time,â Kazuha repeats, slouching in her seat. âIâm clearing your drink supply when we get back.â Thereâs a frown on her face when she speaks but sheâs quick to perk up at the sound of your text tone, grabbing the phone for herself.Â
jay: are you coming tn? got a feeling that congrats will be in order
you (technically kazuha): wouldnât miss it !!!Â
âThree exclamation points? Iâm not that desperate,â you say defensively, nudging her in the ribs.Â
As if on cue, Yunjin reads another text. âI saw his notes again, his handwriting is so cute and ugly, agh Iâm literally clutching my chest, heâs perfect,â she says, her voice high-pitched and mocking.Â
Hearing your typed words out loud from someone elseâs mouth is troubling, especially because âIt never seems that bad when Iâm typing,â you frown, immediately checking your phone when it goes off.Â
jay: awesome :) see u thereÂ
jay: !!!
The gameâs second half goes by much quicker and in the end, they lose 5-3, leaving you and Yunjin struggling to keep your laughter to yourselves at the sight of the FIRST W OF THE SEASON banner hanging up in the living room of the house that most of the footballers share. With linked arms, the two of you make your way to the kitchen to get something to drink. Already feeling the buzz from pregaming, you settle on a cup of lemonade which Yunjin rolls her eyes at.Â
âShut up,â you say, eyeing her over the rim of your cup.Â
Yunjin holds her hands up defensively, spilling a few drops of her tequila-vodka concoction. âI didnât even say anything.â For a couple of minutes, you pretend to listen as Yunjin tries to come up with a game plan for the night, nodding and humming along when she pauses, and trying to decipher the animal code names sheâs using. A gasp. âI see him! Black cat and penguin sitting out on the half wall.âÂ
You watch as she leans over the sink to get a closer look out of the window. âI feel like saying exactly where they are makes the code names redundant.âÂ
âI feel like youâre redundant.â A beat passes. âJust be yourself, and if he says something funny, laugh and put your hand on his bicep while you do.âÂ
âNoted.â
Yunjin doesnât let you go outside without taking a sip (or three) of the poison in her cup, and after you gag over the sink, the two of you make your way into the garden, sights set on the half wall where âblack catâ now sits alone. A potent mixture of the scent of tobacco and weed hits you the second you open the back door, and the two of you leave the house to make a beeline to Jay, apparently to Yunjinâs displeasure, given the way she asks you three times to play beer pong with her when some of the basketball boys start setting up cups for the next round.
âNo,â you say. Three times.Â
As if sensing your presence, Jay whips his head around right before the two of you reach him, a bright smile gracing his face as he waves at you with his whole arm. He seems to glow against the darkness of the night, bright, dreamy, an unreal quality that leaves you feeling fuzzy around the edges. Jay, you think, over and over and it starts to sound made up. Jay. Jay. Jay. Until you reach him. He stands up when you guys are close enough. âYouâre here,â Jay says with a smile, pulling you into a hug. With his arms around your waist, his hold is somehow both tight and gentle. Secure. Safe.Â
âHey,â you say, voice muffled by the fabric of his hoodie. A whiff of his scent hits you, flooding your senses. Fresh, citrusy, and undeniably Jay. A dizzying combination, so light, and distinctly him in a way that makes your heart beat a bit faster.Â
When Jay lets go of you to hug Yunjin, you take the last sip of your drink and almost wish youâd taken her cup instead; your lemonade is sweet to the tongue but does absolutely nothing to boost your confidence. You watch as they greet each other while Jay sits back down. Standing in front of him with your arm against Yunjinâs, you feel as though you've missed the window to sit down too and opt to continue standing next to her.Â
âWe like your banner,â you say, pointing in the direction of the house behind him.Â
Following your finger, Jay lets his head whip around towards the back of the house. Yunjin uses the time he spends looking over his shoulder to nudge you, nod her head in his direction, and mouth the word âsitâ at you. So you do.
If heâs surprised to turn back around barely a second later and find you right beside him, Jay doesnât show it. He gives you a warm smile and knocks his knee against yours before speaking. âWhat, first w of the season?â He tilts his head. âAnd here I thought you were a good luck charm, twenty,â he says with a chuckle when you nod.Â
Yunjinâs brows raise, and you feel yours rise too. âTwenty?â she asks.Â
âThe hockey jacket,â he answers without missing a beat. âSpeaking of, whenâs your next game?âÂ
âOh, weâre playing the Foxes next week,â Yunjin rakes a hand through her hair. âTDU, you know?âÂ
Jay nods, turning his attention back to you. âCan I look forward to seeing you on the field, twenty?âÂ
Tilting your head, you pull air through your teeth. âYou know what, I actually just got benched, like, right now,â you say, liking the way Jay laughs. âIâm out for the rest of the season.âÂ
After clapping a hand to his mouth, Jay points at you. âDid they get you on a drunk and disorderly after the mixer?â he asks through a laugh.Â
In horror, you watch while Yunjinâs head falls back with laughter as she lets out cackles that only unsettle you. âThatâs exactly what happened!â
âI was not.. disorderly,â you say meekly, finding sudden interest in the hem of your skirt.
It sounds as though Jay says: âYou didnât tell her how she got back home?â though youâre finding it difficult to focus on much other than trying to recover your missed hours after the hockey mixer.Â
Youâve gone on countless nights out, spent many mornings after vowing never to drink again, and, on multiple occasions, have gotten too drunk to enter the club. But even then, in the past, your memory has only ever been.. spotty, nonlinear. Never completely void for hours at a time, and itâs concerning. After tonight, you really wonât drink again.Â
Except on birthdays.Â
And when you go to the club. Or to parties. Or when youâre bored with the girls. But again, apart from that? Never.Â
âHow did I gââ you start, though Yunjin cuts you off.Â
âI think Zuhaâs lifting her leg again, hold on,â she groans, looking over Jayâs shoulder at the glass doors leading to the kitchen. Yunjin disappears back into the house and itâs not until you watch her slide the back door shut behind her that you remember Kazuha having too much to drink at pres and having to stay in with Chaewon.Â
When you look at Jay, he watches you with knitted brows. âKazuhaâs doing what?â he asks.Â
âBallet,â you explain. He nods.Â
Neither of you speak for a moment. While you chew on the inside of your cheek, you canât help but wonder if you shouldâve followed Yunjin, or if you shouldâve had less to drink at the mixer. You reckon the fact that Jayâs still talking to you must mean you didnât do anything that you canât recover from, but you canât shake the feeling that your trip home that night was less than pleasant.Â
âHey,â Jay says quietly, catching your attention with concern lacing his features. âWhat do you look so down for?â he asks.Â
Though terrified of the answer, you repeat your earlier question. âHow did I get home?â you ask, wondering if the Earth usually opened up to swallow people whole or if youâd have to put in a special request.
Jay licks his lips, using his hand to push your shoulder playfully. âI have no idea,â he chuckles, shaking his head. âI was talking to Yunjin at the library on Tuesday, I think, and she told me you canât remember anything. I just wanted to freak you out.âÂ
You feel heat under his touch and relief from his words, though something about him talking with Yunjin seems to jostle you slightly. âYunjin was at the library?â
Briefly, what looks like disappointment flashes across Jayâs face, replaced quickly with a pretty smile, light, playful. âYou care more about Yunjin being at the library than me asking your friend about you?â he asks.
âYou were asking my friend about me?âÂ
âYeah, I think youâre cute,â Jay says sweetly, smiling at you in a way that makes your cheeks burn even when you look down at your lap.Â
Thereâs something about the way he says it, so casually as if telling you the time or todayâs date, that throws you off. It doesnât make any sense to you that some of the most vivid sensations that Jay makes you feel are just that: sensations. You know that your stomach doesnât actually have butterflies in it and that your heart isnât really twirling in your chest, but it sure feels like it. You wonder if he also feels like that sometimes. You earnestly hope that if he does, itâs because of you.
He seems nearer than before when you look at him, and for fear that you might kiss him if he gets any closer, you bring your empty cup to your lips, lean back a little, and pretend to sip. Its emptiness isnât lost on Jay, however, who chuckles, asking if you want a refill. While walking towards the house, you listen as he tells you what the team normally get up to during half-time (mostly strategising and pretending not to hear Heeseungâs snores), and silently beg your cheeks to cool down. His hand is heavy on the small of your back as he ushers you inside first, sliding the door shut behind him, and gently pushing you towards the kitchen island.Â
You let yourself lean against the counter, ignoring the fluttering in your stomach as you watch him reach for a visibly sticky bottle of your favourite drink without asking what youâd like. Though before actually touching it, his eyes widen. âWait, I have something for you,â he says, holding out a hand for you to take. âCome on.âÂ
Jay weaves his fingers with yours, leading you through the house and up the stairs into a bedroom. He closes the door gently behind you, stepping over a couple of backpacks before sitting on the end of the bed, and tugging at the zipper on one of them.Â
For a moment you watch as veins appear on his hands and have to physically tell yourself to drag your eyes to anything else, eventually settling on the walls. Walls that are covered in countless glossy 4x6 prints, some shots of landscapes, groups of people, out-of-focus beer bottles and.. âYou have a lot of photos of Mark Lee in here,â you comment, scanning the room around you. âAnd it doesnât look like youâre.. in any of them,â you continue as you notice a grainy polaroid stuck to the wall next to the light switch â a picture of Mark making out with his best friend, Sakura âgive me a break, a boy and a girl can be just friendsâ Miyawaki, and make a mental note to bring it up later.Â
Jay glances at you as if youâre the one sleeping in a Markkura shrine. âYeah, âcause itâs his room,â he chuckles. âYou can sit down, you know,â he adds after a beat, moving over a bit on the bed.Â
With a nod, you look at some more of the pictures as you make your way over to the spot next to him, a photo of Mark and Jake with their middle fingers to the camera catching your eye. And holding it for so long that you trip a little over one of the backpacks before sitting down and pretending nothing happened. Thankfully, Jay doesnât seem to notice.Â
âItâs not much by the way, donât get your hopes up,â he warns, his hand still hidden by the fabric of his bag.Â
âGot it.âÂ
Despite his earlier disclaimer, he makes a show of the whole thing. âTa-da!â His voice is a little singsong as he brings the objeâbottle of Smirnoff Ice into view.Â
âThank you?â The bottle is cold in your hands when you take it from him, reading the ABV 4% on its label and wondering how many of these Sunghoon must have had to drink to have been stumbling the way he was that night. You also canât help but wonder what reason Jay has for buying you a bottle and then taking you into the privacy of Markâs bedroom to give it to you.
âYeah,â he trails off a little, letting his hand come up to scratch the back of his neck. âYou looked pretty crushed the other night when Heeseung finished that one bottle.âÂ
You canât help the scoff that comes out. âCrushed? I mean, I mightâve frowned.âÂ
âFrowned? You were near tears, I was worried about you.âÂ
âShut up.âÂ
âIâm serious, every time I looked at you, you had this.. upset look on your face.âÂ
âWell, maybe you should stop looking at me so much.â
Jayâs eyes sparkle under the light, flicking back and forth from your eyes to your lips as he brings a hand up to your face, tucking some hair behind your ear, his fingers hot on your skin, unmoving. His eyes lock with yours. âCome on,â he says in a low voice. âYou know thereâs no stopping that.âÂ
A smile tugs at your lips. Jay bites his. His gaze drops back down to your mouth. Lingers. And in what almost seems like an alcohol-induced hallucination, he leans in. Slightly. As if testing the waters. As if waiting for a sign that you want him to stop. A sign that you want him to continue. Anything. His hand is heavy on your cheek when he cups it in his palm, skin rough against yours.Â
Mere inches away, Jayâs lips seem more tempting than ever. Separated only by the distance of a breath and your nerves, you try to settle yourself. To put your heart at ease. But how could you relax when he looks at you like that; his gaze soft, tender, all of his attention on yâThe bottle slips from your hands, cool against your thighs, reminding you of its existence. Jay flinches when you do.Â
âLetâs have a drink!â you suggest, though the absence you feel when he takes his hand from your face makes you wish you hadnât.
âSure.â
The cap screws off the bottle with a few satisfying clicks, and Jay, amused, shakes his head when you offer him the first sip. âAfter you,â he says.Â
Without a second thought, the bottle touches your lips and the sweet, sweet taste of Smirnoff Ice touches your tongue, coating your mouth and leaving you wishing the alcohol content was higher.Â
âDo you mind if I put my lips on it?â he asks while you pass the drink to him.Â
You shake your head, determined not to think of a double meaning, and watch as his lips connect with the bottleâs opening, his Adamâs apple bobbing in his throat while he drinks. When Jay pulls it from his mouth, he lets his tongue dart out to wet his lips. You wonder if it will taste different in his mouth, if his lips, wet from the drink, taste as sweet as they look.Â
Now that you realise youâve shared an indirect kiss, you kick yourself for passing up the chance at a direct one, deciding that if you want him to kiss you, youâll need to get closer. Step up your game a little. Maybe youâll say something about his necklace, ask to get a better look.. And hopefully, heâll take the hint and kiss you because youâre not really sure what else you could say.Â
Of course, you could opt to skip words altogether, taking his face in your hands, and pressing your lips to his. Youâre sure thatâs what Yunjin would do. And youâre sure that would be her advice to you if you asked her.
Jay hands the bottle back to you and you close it, determined to feel his lips on yours if itâs the last thing you do. And you quickly open the bottle again, one last sip for good luck. The soft laugh he lets out is breathy, and itâs hard to tell if the heat in your stomach is coming from the drink, or from the way you see him looking at you in your peripheral.Â
His straight teeth bite at his bottom lip, and he shakes his head when you offer him another sip. This time when you close the bottle, you do it for good, setting the glass on the floor so it doesnât interrupt you again.Â
âI really like your necklace,â you say, off to a good start, following the plan.Â
âYeah?âÂ
âYeah.â
âAw.. thanks,â he says, choosing now, of all times, to stop being a conversationalist.Â
In the quiet of the room, you realise that you hadnât planned anything beyond the compliment. You let your eyes focus back on the charm hanging from his neck, trying to picture him with a fishing rod in his hand, and wellington boots on his feet. It doesnât really work. âI didnât realise you were so into fishing,â you blurt out, and the way he knits his brows together makes you wish youâd just grabbed him and planted a kiss on the lips he purses to the side while watching you.Â
âMe?âÂ
âYeah you, with your cute little hook on a chain.âÂ
Jay squints at you. âHook on a chain?â he repeats.Â
You let a hand reach up and press on the hook pendant on his necklace.Â
His shoulders rise and fall dramatically as he sighs, his hand coming up to wrap around yours, holding it to the base of his neck as the small (not) hook warms in your fist. âWhy does everybody think itâs a hook?âÂ
âIt isnât?âÂ
âItâs the letter J.â He lets go of your hand to lift the charm. âSee?âÂ
You squint your eyes, leaning a little closer to him, gaze fixed on the little gold hook letter sitting near the base of his neck. âOhhhh, right,â you say, but even from a few inches away, it still looks like a hook, and from this close, you can hear the way his breath hitches in his throat.
With an inhale, you find yourself lingering. Sticking around just long enough to make out the woodier notes of his cologne before moving back a little. Finally, you draw your eyes away from his neck, wanting to meet his gaze but finding yourself stuck on his lips instead. They sit slightly ajar, pink, pretty, sort of chapped in the way they always seem to be. His breath tickles your forehead. You sit straighter, noticing the way his eyes burn holes into you.Â
âQuit staring,â you mumble hypocritically.Â
Jayâs brows quirk up for a split second as he sits back on his hands. âIâm not.â
âYou are.âÂ
âWell, youâd have to be staring at me to know.âÂ
âDo you want me to stop staring?â
He seems to consider this for a second before shaking his head. âNo,â he tells you.Â
âWhat do you want then?â Your voice is soft when you ask.Â
âI wanna kiss you.âÂ
Jayâs lips donât move but you hear the word âreallyâ being spoken out into the room like a question. Your voice doesnât feel like your own and doesnât fully register until Jay says: âYeah,â so softly that itâs practically a whisper.Â
Jay wants.. to kiss you. You feel your breath catch in your throat and it seems even more ridiculous to think it than to have heard it from him. To see his lips move to form the words. I wanna kiss you, heâd said. Youâd heard it. Youâd seen it. It happened. He wants.. to kiss you.Â
âDo you want me to do that?â he asks, leaning in slightly, his hand rising to cup your cheek. Slower, gentler than last time.Â
You let your gaze meet his; regret flooding you immediately. Just as kind and soft as the rest of him, Jayâs eyes stare into yours, warm, and inviting, but, still, you canât shake off your nerves. More than anything, you want to say yes; to say of course, canât you tell? but you donât trust yourself enough to open your mouth and speak to him. Instead, you nod, so slightly that for a moment you wonder if he even noticed. And then, there, in the dim privacy of Mark Leeâs bedroom, while your heart beats out of your chest, Jay kisses you for the first time.Â
His lips are warm against yours, the sweet taste of Smirnoff Ice only amplified as he holds you close. Soft, gentle, kissing Jay is everything youâd imagined it would be. You feel as though you might melt under his touch as his hand grabs your waist to pull you closer. So close that youâre nearly in his lap as he deepens the kiss, his tongue moving along yours.
It doesnât feel real, it canât be.Â
As if thrown by your thoughts, Jay pulls away. While attempting to form a coherent thought, you catch your breath, once again, regretting looking at him. He looks down the bridge of his nose at you with half-lidded eyes, and his pretty, pink lips sit parted, wet and plump from kissing. Jay leans in almost immediately, the moment cut short by his lips on yours once again.Â
Itâs tangible this time; you couldnât possibly make up the way his hand grips your ass or the way he groans softly when you whine into his mouth. Heâs real, and heâs kissing you, and you only feel yourself growing dizzier, and dizzier the longer his lips move against yours. A gasp pulls you out of it and the two of you separate.
Looking in the direction of the now open door you see Sakura and Mark hand in hand. You canât help the slight embarrassment that hits you at first, hating that, of all people, it had to be Mark to walk in and find you making out with someone on his bed.Â
Though you get a bit distracted seeing him and Sakura like this, they look cute together. His football hoodie covers her form completely, much longer than the dress she has on, as she leans into him, and a giggle slips from her lips when he lets go of her hand to wrap an arm around her waist instead.Â
Somewhat belatedly, and needlessly, Mark apologises, his eyes focused on you when he speaks but you canât get the words out to respond to him. Jay chuckles at this, shaking his head and telling him not to worry about it as he stands up from the bed. You follow suit. Jay picks up your drink from the floor and takes you by the hand, telling Mark heâll text him later while leading you out of the room. When you glance at Sakura, sheâs grinning at you, mouthing: âSorry,â before smacking your butt.Â
Jay hands you the bottle when the door closes, his hand slipping out of yours. A beat passes. And then another. He chews at his bottom lip. You clear your throat and the silence continues. Itâs a shame to be standing around like idiots on the landing like this, you think.Â
âI..â he trails off, wiping his hands on his pants. He points over his shoulder with his thumb. âI should get back to the boys.âÂ
Your heart sinks as you hesitate, unsure how to respond. Slowly, you nod. âRight, yeah,â you say.
âLater,â he mumbles, holding up his hand to wave stiffly at you before turning around to leave.Â
Deflated, you lean against Markâs door while you search for your phone to ask Yunjin where she is. Maybe if youâd waited for a moment, youâd have seen the way Jay stopped at the top of the stairs to look over at you, seen the frown on his face when he saw that you werenât looking at him. But instead, you read 2 texts from Yunjin.Â
yj: dude heso into uÂ
yj: flirt more = hv fun upstairsÂ
You spend the next three days pretending nothing happened at the party, avoiding Jay, and dreading going to uni. Itâs just unfortunate that for you, pretending nothing happened looks like zoning out in the library while replaying the kiss in your head until your elbow slips off the desk. And avoiding Jay seems near impossible, given his tendency to show up everywhere. Or rather, your tendency to see Jay in everything.Â
Like the tiny little black cat you saw perched on the fence outside your apartment building, and the busker singing Harry Styles in the city centre. And the half-full bottle of Smirnoff Ice from that night that sits on your dresser with your perfume and jewellery, displayed with about as much sentiment as a trophy won at school for a random achievement.Â
Impulsively, you post a selfie to your Instagram story before hiding your phone under your pillow and leaving the room entirely, making yourself comfortable atop the kitchen counter and waiting for someone to come back home.Â
Chaewon gets home first, and quickly, arriving with a groan as she shrugs her jacket off and shuts the door behind her. âI hate uni,â she mutters. âI hate studying, I haâ Hey.â She jumps a little when she sees you in the kitchen. âI feel like I havenât seen you in forever, whereâve you been hiding?âÂ
âMy room.âÂ
She nods, leaning comfortably against the doorframe. âYouâre not going out tonight, right?âÂ
You shake your head, amused by the look of relief that paints Chaewonâs features as she whispers thank God. âIâm gonna shower, and take a nap,â she informs you. âBut when I wake up, itâs you, me, pizza, and whatever story Yunjin has from practice.âÂ
âCanât wait,â you say sincerely, stepping down from the counter.Â
With a wide smile on her face, she salutes you before dragging her feet to the bathroom. Completely endeared, you decide not to comment on the salute even though you think itâs sweet that sheâs starting to copy her boyfriend.Â
The sounds of student housing on a Wednesday evening seep in through the open window as you pour yourself a glass of water, unable to stop wondering if Jay saw your story; and what he thought about it if he did. Wondering if heâd notice that the picture was from Saturday night.Â
Filling up your glass again, you take it to your room and pull your phone out of hiding. Along with a message from Yunjin telling you and Chaewon to order your food so it comes shortly after she gets home, you find that Jay hit like on your story. Then sent a reply ten minutes later saying: youâre sooo gorgeous.
With a smile on your face, you type out various forms of âthank you so much, youâre perfect,â before settling on a simple: thank uuu :D, and Jayâs response is immediate.Â
jay: i donât think iâve said that before
jay: how prettty i think you are
The heat that rises to your cheeks is troubling, yet despite your best efforts, you canât get it to pass. Especially not when you read and reread Jayâs message. You press your eyes shut, willing the heat to pass, willing the grin on your face to fade. Neither works, in fact, they only worsen when you open your eyes to see the new messages waiting for you in the chat.Â
jay: itâs a lot bteÂ
jay: *btwÂ
You let out a romcom-worthy sigh, clutching the phone to your chest and laying down on the bed. A glow-in-the-dark sticker stares back at you from its spot on your ceiling, a single star that youâd won as a set of two at the arcade with Kazuha in December. The memory brings a smile to your face, even though you remember being a little annoyed after she turned down the other star when you tried giving it to her.
Another message from Jay makes your phone vibrate in your hands.Â
jay: sorrryÂ
you: itâs okayÂ
You tell him. Even though youâre not sure what heâs apologising for. Just like before, Jay reads the message immediately though this time his reply never comes.
With Yunjin now home from practice, and freshly showered, you sit on the couch with your flatmates, talking and laughing over the sound of the TV for hours until Netflix asks if youâre still watching, and Yunjinâs passed out with her cold, wet hair on your shoulder. Â
Pressing a wet kiss to your cheek, Chaewon retires to bed, whispering âGoodniiiiiiiiight,â in your ear before abandoning you. Tired as you are, a part of you feels bad about waking Yunjin so you decide to sit a while longer, moving the blanket from your lap to cover her up properly. But of course, this is the movement that wakes her up.Â
In a soft voice, you tell her goodnight, standing up from the couch to stretch your arms above your head.Â
âYou never told me what happened on Saturday,â Yunjin says tiredly. âKkura told me you and Jay were busy in Markâs room.âÂ
The mention of his name takes you back to that night. Back to Jay and the way his lips felt against yours, the way his hand held your waist, and the way heâd ditched you outside Markâs room. A pit forms in your stomach; and as if reading your mind, Yunjin asks if youâre okay.
You sit down on the other end of the couch, bringing your knees up to your chest and telling the story from top to bottom. After recounting the night in detail from after she left you guys alone, you find yourself hyperaware of the differences between you and Yunjin. For you, the highlight of Saturday night was Jay kissing you and then running away after.Â
âWait, Sakura and who?â she asks when youâre done.Â
For Yunjin, the highlight of the story seems to be Markâs presence.Â
âMark.âÂ
âShe told me she went on her own, what were they doing?âÂ
Although you have some idea, you think it best to keep your knowledge to yourself. âThey were looking for her phone,â you say, pleased to see that Yunjin accepts your answer and moves on.Â
âSo then what?â
âHe texted me hey on Sunday morning, which I ignored, and then a couple hours ago he replied to my story and told me how pretty he thinks I am,â you say, pausing to take a breath. âThen ignored my response.âÂ
Yunjin sits silently, seeming to take in everything sheâd just been told. Her eyes are focused on the TV screen ahead so you look over at it too. It had gone into standby mode, displaying nothing but an indistinct impression of the two of you.Â
And the silence continues.Â
In the TVâs cast, you can just about make out the way she tilts and then turns her head to look at you. âMaybe heâs just.. frazzled, or something, from being walked in on. How did you feel?âÂ
The answer takes a while to come up with because for you, the night exists in two parts â Before kissing Jay, and everything else that happened when you left the room. This whole time, youâve been so focused on him leaving, that youâve barely given any thought to how you felt when Sakura opened the door. Frazzled, you think. Probably the best word to use. Embarrassed suits a bit better though.Â
âI was embarrassed about it, but only because it was Mark. If it had been you, or Chaewon, whoever, it wouldâve been different because theyâd walk in and go âoh sorryâ or something and leave, but obviously, when itâs Mark going into his own room, heâs there for something, you know?â you explain, chewing at your bottom lip.
âMaybe thatâs how he feels too.â
âYeah, but it wasnât embarrassing enough to leave and never talk to him again.âÂ
Yunjin exhales heavily. âI want to be on your side, really, I do, but isnât that kinda what you did?â she asks, her voice hesitant as she tilts her head. âHe texted you the next day and you didnât reply, what do you think heâs thinking about right now?âÂ
âHeâs the one who said he should get back to the boys.â
âWhat if thatâs just because he spoke first?â she suggests. âObviously we donât know what you wouldâve said if you spoke first, because you didnât, but I feel like you wouldâve been like âI-Iâm gonna get back to the girlsâ and ran away.âÂ
Always correct, Yunjin is your worst enemy and your best friend rolled into one. Oh, how you hate her. Well, sheâs correct about the fact that you would have said the same thing. You think. You press your lips together in a straight line and sink into your seat.Â
She sighs when you donât speak. âLook, he talked to you today, and told you how pretty you are, which is a win, right?âÂ
You nod reluctantly.Â
âSo letâs celebrate that, celebrate the fact that you kissed Jay! Even better, the fact that he kissed you.â Yunjin pauses, for what you think is dramatic effect, before speaking again. âJust.. donât sweat the small stuff, okay?â She stops again to yawn. âAnd text him back if he reaches out, or, text him first.âÂ
Leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom, you brush your teeth, watching as Yunjin does the same, sitting on the edge of the tub with her eyes shut. While gargling mouthwash, you think about the conversation youâve just had and decide to take matters into your own hands. By pleading with God to put Jay in front of you and have him tell you that he likes you back.Â
Once again, the higher powers seem to be on your side. Kind of. Jay does end up in front of you to tell you that he likes you back. Kind of. But only after learning that youâll have to start your report again; which, given that youâd only gotten through 800 of the required 4000 words, wasn't exactly criminal. It was an irritation that settled in you, mainly, as all of your research and the sources youâd found were now redundant in the face of such adversity.Â
Nonetheless, with heavy feet, you leave the lecture hall, trying to come up with a way to fake your graduation ceremony next year so you can secretly drop out. You draw a blank and find Jay waiting in line at the vending machine near the libraryâs entrance.Â
Even though youâd spoken with her on Tuesday night, here, today, on Friday afternoon, Yunjinâs words echo so clearly in your mind you almost want to peer over your shoulder to see if sheâs there. You do. She isnât.Â
Your formerly heavy feet lead you right over to Jay, who greets you with a smile. âHowâs the report coming?â he asks, his tone light, easygoing, and clearly oblivious to the fact that his question strikes you like a knife to the gut.Â
The two of you shuffle forward slightly, now at the front of the queue. Waiting for your response, he punches E6 into the machine that rattles loudly, delivering his bottle of Lipton lemon.Â
âNot great,â you tell him, feigning nonchalance and watching as he presses E4 before squatting down to collect both drinks. âAre you heading to class?âÂ
Standing up straight, Jay holds out the new(er) bottle of Lipton peach towards you. âWhat happened?âÂ
Holding the drink in your hands, you fall into step with him and sigh despite yourself. âI have to start over.âÂ
Jayâs eyes widen and his jaw drops slightly at your words. Dramatic. Cute. âNooo,â he says sincerely. âHow come?â
âI read the question wrong.â
âOh,â he says. âThatâs okay, at least you found out now rather than later. And you still have until December to get it done, thatâs almost two months! Iâm sure most people havenât even read the question,â he tells you in a gentle voice.Â
Thereâs a fuzziness in your chest, and Jayâs words make you feel like everything will be alright. Even though you werenât exactly cut up about the report, something about talking with him about it leaves you feeling soothed when you look up to give him a warm smile.
âI donât have classes today, Iâm just here to study,â he says, answering your earlier question as he leads you to a table.Â
You watch as Jay sits down, and decide to take a seat across from him, dumping your bag on the floor at your feet. His brows quirk up when you put the drink down on his side of the table, confusion evident in his voice when he says: âYou donât like peach tea anymore?âÂ
All of a sudden your heart is pounding, and you grin despite yourself. Oh, Jay, you think. âItâs my favourite.âÂ
Matching your smile Jay slides the bottle over to you. âItâs yours,â he says.
You canât explain the overwhelming sense of gratitude you feel over a barely cold, 500ml bottle of tea, but it beams brightly on the table between you; radiant, glowy, the most beautiful thing youâve ever seen. âThank you,â you say sincerely in a soft voice, lest you knock the bottle out of its haze.Â
The deepest part of your brain romanticises the scene around you even further, and the table you sit at, in the smallest library on campus, starts to seem like something from a kidâs storybook. From a mythical land where the iced tea is luminescent, and you get to study with an angel who wears Chrome Hearts pants and olive green 6s.
âCan I read it when youâre done?â His question cuts through your thoughts. Surprised by how genuine Jay sounds, you glance back over at him to find him already looking at you, his lips pushed up into a soft smile that spreads flutters around your chest.
It takes you longer than youâd like to admit to realise what heâs talking about, but you tilt your head when you do. âYou wanna read my paper on wind turbines and solar farms?â you ask.Â
Jayâs eyes widen briefly as if shocked that youâre even asking him that. âOf course I do,â he says, sounding almost offended, defensive maybe.Â
You eye him from across the table, sceptical. Jay seems to pick up on this. âWhy wouldnât I want to know about the UNâs advances towards net zero by 2030?â he asks, chuckling to himself when you raise a brow. He shrugs. âI got curious after you mentioned it.âÂ
With burning cheeks, you watch him as he continues to talk, neither of you making any effort to start on the work youâre there to do. As much as you feel itâd be useful to get work done in the library â because itâll allow you to go home and do nothing without guilt â you donât see the point in half-assing your research and absentmindedly chatting with Jay, when you could ditch the research completely and fixate over the way his lips move to form his words.Â
âI lost my student card so I need to read while Iâm in here. I think itâs better though; easier to stay focused, less distractions,â Jay tells you when you ask what brought him to uni just to study alone. âUsually,â he adds, gaze flicking up to meet yours with a teasing smile crossing his lips.
Jayâs words hold a flirtatious undertone that isnât lost on you or the butterflies that take flight in your stomach. âIâm not a distraction,â you say, frowning slightly.Â
âI never said you were, but I had no problem getting my work done until you got here.âÂ
Jayâs words remind you of your first test for Property Law in February. The two of you sat together at a table in the campus cafe, empty mugs and printed slides scattered across the space between you. For four hours, you highlighted sentences and rewrote notes to keep your hands busy until Jay walked you back to your flat, where you pulled an all-nighter so you could actually study. You got a 61 and slept for twelve hours afterwards.Â
âIf itâs getting to you that much, I can go,â you offer, really, really, hoping he doesnât take you up on it.
âNo, please stay. I like spending time with you,â Jay admits with a slight downturn at the corners of his lips.Â
You try to work out how to echo his sentiment without sounding like a lovestruck fool, though you draw a blank, distracted by the way heâ âAre you batting your lashes at me?â you ask through a chuckle.
Jay squints. âIs it working?âÂ
You shake your head.Â
âWell, neither are you,â he points out, crossing his arms over his chest in a way that almost makes you feel scolded despite his light tone. You think you like it.Â
An overly dramatic sigh huffs its way out of your mouth as you roll your eyes at him, fighting a smile at the sound of his breathy laughter. âWhatever. Starting now, Iâll work on my paper. You focus on your reading, no distractions,â you suggest.
âRight, no distractions,â Jay repeats, his eyes falling to your lips.Â
Sticking to your word proves much easier than youâd initially thought and you manage to sit, mostly undistracted, for more than a little while, putting the paragraphs that can stay in italics, the bits that need to be amended in bold, and deleting the rest.Â
Your workflow is broken only when Jay speaks softly, âIs it cool if Heeseung works with us?â he asks, sending a text after you tell him that itâs okay.Â
And as if heâd been waiting around the corner, Heeseung shows up seconds later. âJongseongieeeeee,â he coos when he sees Jay, extending a hand to pat his head and ruffle his hair.Â
Unable to hide his irritation, Jayâs face scrunches up at the interaction and in an attempt to stop the sudden attack, he grabs Heeseung by the wrist, seeming shocked when it works. You watch him fix his hair in his phone camera.Â
In the same playful tone, Heeseung says your name too, sitting down in the seat next to Jay. âI feel like I havenât seen you since the hockey mixer.âÂ
You canât help the breathy laugh that comes out at the cute pout on his lips. âBecause you havenât seen me since the hockey mixer,â you say, smiling at Jay when you notice him looking at you.Â
âYou werenât at the football party, were you?â Heeseung asks, his eyes widening right when the words leave his mouth. âRiiiiiiiight, you were.â He mumbles to himself before covering his mouth with his hand. âIâm just..â he trails off, pointing at his laptop with his index finger before opening it and sinking in his seat.Â
Thereâs a nasty pit forming in your stomach while you watch Heeseung all but disappear behind his screen. And in the black screen of your laptop, you stare at yourself, pretending that: 1. The fingerprints and smudges donât bother you, and 2. That you donât notice the way Jayâs looking at you. Or rather, the fact that Jayâs looking at you. If youâd noticed the way he was looking at you, you might have picked up on the softness of his gaze. But you didn't, so you donât.Â
Instead, the fact that Jayâs watching you only makes you feel worse. Though at least it looks like your hair is sitting nicely today, you think, glad to have at least one thing working for you rather than against you. Like the pit in your stomach, or the Lipton peach that tastes like nothing when you take the first sip.
In the presence of Heeseung - and the things he said - the three of you manage to get on with your work, free of conversation.Â
Reluctantly, you let the two boys walk you back to your place when youâre ready to go home. Heeseung leads the conversation, thankfully, with no more mention of the football party and even hugs you goodbye while Jay watches from a few feet away. Judging by the expression on his face, youâd think the person heâd liked for months kissed him and then ran away.Â
âSorry,â Heeseung whispers, pressing his lips into a straight line.Â
With your key in the lock, you watch as they retreat, Heeseung nudging Jay when he reaches him and mumbling something that you canât quite make out. Neither of the girls are home when you get inside and, sprawling out on the couch, you look for your phone to make plans.Â
you: we should go out tn
cw: tmrw ! i have a deadline
yj: broke friday or .. j*emins partyÂ
Too broke for broke Friday, the two of you find yourselves stepping over the legs of a sleeping Sunghoon to reach the open door to Jeno and Jaeminâs apartment. There are people everywhere, including the hall outside, but you suppose this is the benefit of student housing; none of your neighbours can complain about noise because theyâre too busy being part of the commotion.Â
Jake almost spills his drink when he sees you both, saying âheyyyyy,â with a giggle and eyes that linger on Yunjin while he talks though he quickly excuses himself to take water to poor Sunghoonie.Â
The night is largely uneventful, much the same as every other night out youâve had since starting college. Except for the part where Jay shows up,a massive grin on his face to greet your friends. Sakura, Yunjin, and Kazuha all get a âheyâ and a brief hug. Jay regards you with a nod and a small smile. At least Kazuha seems to believe you when you tell her that youâre crying in Jaeminâs bathroom because you hate your outfit.
After a weekend of self-pity, you spend Monday at a coffee shop with Sakura, watching as she studiââYou could at least pretend to study, you know?â she sighs. âEvery time I look up youâre either staring at me or using your phone, itâs distracting.âÂ
With a frown on your face, you touch your mug to see if your coffee is cool enough to drink yet â itâs not â before flipping your notebook to a blank page and trying to write out some of the key points that you remember from Fridayâs lecture. A part of you feels bad for neglecting your Architectural Practice class but itâs just not as interesting, and you tell yourself that youâll dedicate all of your time to it after finishing your report. You definitely will not come to regret leaving three months worth of work to the very last minute.Â
You study with Sakura for a few hours until deciding that you simply cannot continue, and the two of you leave the cafe in favour of a Mcdonaldâs drive-thru, eating your dinner in the dark parking lot before she drops you off.
On Tuesday night, youâre thankful that Yunjin and Kazuha donât push you to go out with them when you say youâre tired, but when Netflix asks if youâre still watching Modern Family at almost 3 a.m., you wish they had.Â
You push yourself out of bed to do your skincare, and hear the two girls coming back home as you apply your last pimple patch. After Kazuha all but yells something about a huge pair of shoes by the door, it seems like they settle in the kitchen.Â
Theyâre sharing a bowl of cereal at the table when you get there. Feeling bad, you make instant noodles for them while Yunjin hugs you from behind. Both of you try your best to laugh quietly at Kazuhaâs story about some box blond figure skater who completely blanked her when she tried flirting despite staring at her all night.
Once the food is ready, you sit up on the counter, watching them eat straight from the pot. Trying to talk to those two while theyâre so invested in dinner is a waste of energy so you busy yourself on your phone instead, scrolling aimlessly until both girls kiss you on the cheek to thank you for looking after them. Kazuha gratefully drinks the glass of water you give her, and Yunjin, as you expect, is stubborn about it; taking three small sips before running away to her room.Â
The argument you can hear through the open window keeps you entertained as you wash the dishes, and you check your phone on the way to your room, finding two texts from Jay.Â
jay: i know itâs late but can we talk in person if youâre up
jay: itâ s important
They came in four minutes ago and you chew on your lip trying to figure out what he wants to talk about.Â
you: are you okay?
jay: can you come outsideÂ
With not even enough time to hit send on the three question marks youâd typed out, the distinct ring of a FaceTime call surprises you. Though what you find more surprising is the sight of your buildingâs door behind Jayâs face which just about fills the screen. Lit dramatically by an orange street light, he looks beautiful. Looks cute when his lips pout slightly around the words: come quickly and dress warm, as he successfully convinces you to leave the comfort of your bed.
Through the glass in the main door, you see him. With his hands stuffed in his pockets, he looks up towards the sky and puffs visible breaths into the air above him. Jay turns around at the sound of the door opening. You feel your stomach lurch because he doesnât smile when he sees you.Â
âHey,â he says after a while, watching you intently, inspecting almost, as you shut the door softly behind you. His face softens, the smile he hadnât given earlier coming through now. âAre you wearing my jacket?â His voice is soft too when he speaks, breathy enough for the smell of alcohol and vague peppermint to hit your nose.Â
âI thought I should probably give it back,â you nod. âSorry I kept it so long.â
Jay shakes his head, hair shifting on his forehead from the motion. âNo, I love it on you. Please keep it,â he pauses, taking a step towards you. âI want you to keep it.âÂ
Thank God, you think. You hadnât really been meaning to give it back, and you werenât really sorry to have kept it so long, it just felt like the right thing to say.Â
The space between you is so small that you wonder if he can hear the way your heart rate starts to pick up. In the time you hadnât talked, youâd seen him around campus, in the corners of story posts, but seeing him here in front of you is almost overwhelming. A gust of wind ruffles the jacket Jay has on and his scent unfurls right under your nose; warm, lived in, mixed with faint sweat and what you think might be tobacco. It creates a musk that leaves you weak at the knees.
âIt was milk and cookies night,â Jay continues when you donât respond, digging into his pocket and holding a plastic-wrapped cookie out towards you. âYou like white chocolate chip, right?âÂ
Hearing that it was milk and cookies night makes you wonder if youâd been too hasty when you turned down the girlsâ invitation.Â
Despite the cold, Jayâs hand is warm when your fingers graze his. Letting your touch linger, you thank him sincerely, touched by the little things he seems to remember about you.Â
Even though youâre aware of the other students coming home from various nights out, and end up having to move out of the way so some of them can enter your building, it feels like the two of you are in your own world. You notice that his sights are locked on the cookie, on the spot where your fingers touch, allowing you to admire him freely.Â
Standing almost directly under the lamppost now, you notice that his cheeks and the tips of his ears are dusted with red. You feel a little bad, he must be freezing, you think. Your gaze falls to his lips that sit parted, chapped like you expect, and now youâre thinking of kissing him.Â
Clearing his throat, Jay moves his hand from yours to put it in his pocket. You do the same.Â
âI know I said I wanted to talk, but I just wanted to see you,â he says, looking you right in the eyes. âI wasnât sure youâd come if I said that.âÂ
You frown, wondering if this whole time heâs been avoiding you because he thought you didnât want to see him. âWhy wouldnât I?âÂ
Jay only shrugs in response.Â
From over your shoulder, you hear the door opening. Jayâs eyes flicker in its direction. You turn your head to look too. A boy with pink hair frowns when both of you tell him you donât have the lighter heâd been looking to borrow.Â
âIâm sorry about leaving after we kissed. And for avoiding you. That was stupid,â Jay says as soon as the door closes. âIt was childish of me to do that instead of just telling you how I feel. I wasnât gonna say anything, because I know you only see me as a friend, but I have to let you know that I like you, a lot.âÂ
You stand around limply for a beat, staring up at Jay and trying to take in every single detail about this moment before you inevitably wake up. But this âdreamâ doesnât cut off where youâd been expecting it to. Instead, you feel your heart thudding against your ribs, your stomach flipping. The only thing you can get yourself to do is blink at the boy in front of you. The boy who likes you.Â
A lot.
âItâs just that, after Heeseung said that shit in the library and you couldnât even look at me, I knew I didnât have a chance with you and I just.. am trying to figure out how to be near you and pretend like I donât want to drop everything and kiss you.âÂ
âWhatâs stopping you?â you ask, surprised that your voice even comes out properly.
Jayâs gaze drops to your lips. Without noticing, the two of you had gotten so close that your chests are barely an inch apart; theyâd probably touch if either of you took just one deep inhale. A beat passes. His gaze flicks up to meet yours and your breath hitches in your throat. You want to kiss him. You must. Right when you start to lean up towards him, to put your lips on his, he steps back.Â
âFuck,â Jay mumbles, his brows knitting together as he shakes his head. âIâm sorry.âÂ
The ability to hold his liquor is something that Jay sees as both a blessing and a curse.Â
On the bright side, he can drink as much as he wants and wonât say or do anything he wouldnât say or do when sober. His delivery might be a little off when heâs drunk but the point still stands.
On the not-so-bright, catastrophically dim side, however, Jay wakes up the morning after drinking with a vivid memory of everything that happened to him at whatever party heâd been to. Plus a killer migraine.Â
And so, since drunkenly showing up at your place with a cookie in his pocket and his heart on his sleeve two weeks ago, Jayâs been quietly pitying himself and gently encouraging Jake to work harder on physics so he can get some sort of time machine up and running.Â
Though it seems like youâve been able to go on as normal. So normal, in fact, that Jay starts to believe the whole thing was just an elaborate dream. So elaborate that when he scrolls through your text thread, he finds the messages that youâd âexchangedâ that night. He finds the thought of having developed self-awareness in a two-week-long dream to be a greater comfort than the reality that you donât like him back.Â
You would have said if you did. Right? Or at least brought up what heâd said. Asked if you could talk about it. Youâd be so excited to see him again, sober, that you wouldnât even be able to say anything except: âI like you too!â Right?Â
But you havenât. So unless youâre going through trauma-inflicted amnesia, or someone has finally come up with the technology to invent The Neuralyzer, you really donât like him back.
Jay had been so sure, certain that you liked him back. It just seemed so obvious; like the way you seemed to find him at every party, and how anytime you saw Jake in the engineering block youâd ask about him. Surely it wasnât all in his head. The way that Chaewon and Yunjin had been teasing you at the hockey mixer, and how Yunjin made up that excuse to leave the two of you alone at the football party. It was all so.. like-y. Â
Even today, when you texted him asking to hang out. He was sure that you were finally (finally!) going to tell him you liked him too. So sure, heâd even told the boys that heâd be coming back home as someoneâs boyfriend. As your boyfriend.Â
But instead, Jay finds himself climbing the stairs of his apartment complex wondering how the fuck heâd been so delusional. In his back pocket, his phone vibrates. Twice. Texts; both from you.Â
you: i forgot to say but lmk when u get home lol
you: and if u have time to hang out before ur game tmrw !
His heart twists in his chest as he reads your messages.Â
jay: okayyyyyyyyyyyyy, i can chill for a bit
jay: what did you have in mind?Â
After fishing his house key from his jacket, he twists it in the lock and crosses the threshold before texting you once more: home now :). You heart the message immediately. The laughter that Jay could hear in the hall quiets as soon as he closes the door, and heavy footsteps thud towards the living roomâs open doorway. Sunghoon.Â
âItâs Mr YN YLââ he stops short. âOh.â Itâs not until Sunghoon looks over his shoulder and shakes his head that Jay even notices the stupid shutter shades heâs wearing. And when Jay joins his friends in the living room, he smiles despite himself seeing the way theyâd decorated the space. Streamers dangle from the ceiling, hand-drawn A4 posters with both of your names written in lopsided hearts are stuck to the wall, and Jay ignores the thought of losing the security deposit to appreciate his friends; theyâre good to him.Â
On the way to his usual seat, an armchair in the corner of the room, Jay stops to wrestle a bottle of Desperados from the open six back sitting atop the coffee table and kicks a balloon that was in his path before sinking into his chair.Â
Knowing thereâs no use giving them a play-by-play, Jay recounts the last few hours as briefly as he can. He makes sure to leave out small details; like how he felt weak at the knees when you hugged him and told him you loved him after he won you a Hello Kitty plushie from the claw machine that you swore was rigged. Or how youâd worn his jacket out and his heart started racing when he noticed that your perfume had started to mix with his cologne. Unexpectedly, the guys seem hooked on the story right until its end. âSo itâs not like it went badly or anything, I just.. didnât tell her.â
Somehow, all three of them speak at the same time: âWhat do you mean you didnât tell her?âÂ
Jay stares at a spot on the floor, noticing a hole in the toe of Jakeâs sock. Heâll make fun of that later. âI just couldnât get the words out,â he mumbles, shoulders drooping as he slumps further and further into his seat before taking the first sip of his bitter drink aââFuck, why does anybody drink these?âÂ
âCheap,â Sunghoon mumbles, scowling after sipping from his own.
Clearly.
âUnless Iâm missing something, this doesnât seem like the end of the world. Just tell her tomorrow, tell her now, text her,â Heeseung sighs, letting his eyes fall shut.Â
The other two boys seem to agree, echoing the sentiment and adding their own ad libs to it. Jay watches as Sunghoon leans over to get another drink from the table, admiring his commitment to beer drinking even though he doesnât like it. He waits for silence before speaking again: âI already know she doesnât like me that way. And itâs only been two weeks so it doesnât make sense to confess again so soon when I know the answer.âÂ
âAgain?â Sunghoon asks, raising a brow.Â
Ahhh, Jay knew there was something heâd forgotten to do. Though he's struggling to figure out how heâd withheld this information, considering it was the main thing on his mind at all hours. âYeah, after milk and cookies I went to hers and told her I like her,â he says, attempting to feign nonchalance, shoulders rising and falling in a stiff shrug.
âAnd you kept that to yourself because..âÂ
Jay scrunches up his nose, genuinely unsure. âI didnât go there to confess, I just wanted to see her and give her the cookie I got for her,â he admits. âBut then she came outside, and she had my jacket on, and she just looked so pretty. The only thing on my mind was oh, my God, I canât go any longer without telling you Iâm in love with you.â Jay pauses, taking a long sip of beer before telling them what happened outside your building.Â
As if he wasnât feeling bad enough already, Heeseung bursts out laughing. Hard. Itâs not long before Jake and Sunghoon join in and Jay wants to vanish into thin air. Feeling slightly left out, he also wants to ask whatâs so funny, but the fear of being slated holds him back.Â
Itâs the eldest who calms down first, sitting up straight in his seat. âSo you go to YNâs door, tell her you like her, almost kiss her, then explicitly tell her not to say she likes you back, run away from her, again, and youâre wondering why she didnât say she likes you back?â
With the story being laid out so simply, Jay starts to see the flaws in his logic. Though too stubborn to admit that heâs wrong in front of Jake, he nods his head. âExactly.âÂ
He presses his lips into a straight line when the boys call him chronically stupid.Â
âYou need to call her, talk to her, figure your shit out before itâs too late,â Heeseung says with a firm tone.Â
Jay thinks about it, biting at his bottom lip before replying, asking in a small voice: âBut what if she says she doesnât like me?âÂ
As much as not having confirmation is killing him, thereâs a part of Jay that likes not knowing how you feel about him because it lets him play into his delusions. Lets him feed himself with thoughts of you being excited to see him because you like him and not because he makes great platonic company. The thought of you checking up on him through Jake because youâve been thinking about him, but feel too shy to ask directly. And Jay knows when you properly reject him, he wonât be comforted by such thoughts anymore. Theyâll only hurt him.Â
Though after hearing what may be the wisest thing he thinks Sunghoon has ever said, Jay starts to see the situation a little differently. Itâs casual. Spoken through a yawn. âYou already donât have a girlfriend. Nothing to lose, right?âÂ
The walk to your apartment building is longer than he remembers, but the cool air feels good on his neck as he tries to figure out what exactly he should say. Jay only starts to consider that this may not be the best idea when he stands face to face with your apartment building and feels a little too nervous to buzz your flat. What is he doing?Â
A grating screech comes from the heavy door when it opens, and Chaewonâs boyfriend steps outside with squinted eyes. âJay?â he asks as the door thuds shut behind him. âYN didnât say you were coming over.âÂ
An awkward chuckle slips from Jayâs lips and (for the first time in his life) he does jazz hands. âSurprise?â
Jay feels better when Jenoâs lips spread into a grin. âOhhhh,â he says, nodding and extending an almost empty deck of cigarettes in his direction.Â
âIâm good,â Jay declines, shaking his head.Â
Though if things go poorly up there he might have to take Jeno up on his offer.Â
Holding his cigarette between his lips, Jeno uses a fob to open the door for him, and Jay canât help but feel comforted by the way Jeno pats him on the back and says: âIâm rooting for you.âÂ
Standing at the door to your apartment only unleashes a new sense of nervousness. His hand rests on it, balled into a fist, waiting to be pulled back. But something stops him. Jay lets his hand slip down the door and takes a step away from it. Heâd been standing too close. Now, he stands shifting his weight from foot to foot, and the toes of his shoes are just touching the doormat.Â
Reminding himself that knocking isnât the hard part, Jay takes a deep breath and knocks three times.Â
A few minutes pass and itâs now that he remembers he doesnât even know for sure that youâre home, or awake. He counts ten seconds before knocking again and the second his fist touches the door, he hears the sound of a lock clicking and the door creaks open.Â
Like something from a dream, you stand in the doorway, looking so beautiful with his hoodie on that Jay has to put in effort to keep his jaw from falling to the ground.Â
âJay?â you say quietly, brows furrowed. âIs everything alright?âÂ
âDo you like me?â Jay blurts out, pressing his eyes shut immediately as all plans of a proper conversation go to the wind. From his spot on your doormat, he can hear the sound of the TV quieting and a terrible silence settles over the two of you; lasting eight whole seconds before you speak.Â
âDo you wanna come in?â
Jay steps into the apartment, taking off his shoes at the door while mumbling a greeting to Yunjin and Chaewon who (definitely heard him) lay on the couch with wide grins on their faces, and follows you to your room where you close the door behind him.Â
âSorry, I had, like, a speech ready and then I saw you and I just..â he trails off, standing awkwardly near the door and looking at everything in the room except for you; he struggles to tear his eyes away from a polaroid picture of the two of you with huge grins. Itâs only when you talk that he manages to look over at you instead.Â
âYou can sit down,â you say, patting a spot on the bed next to you. Without saying anything, Jay crosses the room to sit beside you â if sitting at armâs length can be considered as beside you. âTell me about the speech,â you say, and Jay shakes his head while trying to convince himself that your chuckle isnât patronising.Â
âDo you like me?â he asks again, not wanting to waste any more time.Â
âI like you.âÂ
Your words, simple and quiet, leave Jay winded.Â
âYou look surprised,â you say, tilting your head. âYou really didnât know?â
Immediately, he relaxes his face. Clears his throat. Jayâs not entirely sure what he did and didnât know, but he doesnât think it matters. Nothing could possibly matter more than you do right now. âDoesnât matter,â he says, letting out a sigh of relief. âI like you too.â The words sound regular when he says them, though he does like the lightness in his chest knowing for sure that the feeling is mutual. âCan you say it again?â
âJay,â you start, resting your hand on his knee. Jay wonders if this is supposed to comfort him and clasps his hands over his lap as discreetly as he can manage. âI like you,â you tell him again.
Under the weight of your words, Jay feels his heart cinch a little in his chest. Why does everything sound so perfect coming from you? He canât help but lean in, finally kissing you after what feels like an eternity. Jay didnât think anything would feel better than your first kiss, but having your lips move softly against his, and knowing that you like him back, might just be the best thing ever. How did he go so long without this? Dazed and lovestruck, he lets his forehead rest against yours to calm down, to catch his breath. âAgain?â he whispers, hopeful, one step away from begging.
You let out a chuckle, soft, breathy, fanning his lips. âI like you,â you say after a while, quietly, a whisper, just for him before kissing him again.
Jayâs not sure when it happened, heâs not even sure he notices that youâre sitting in his lap until you grind down on him; the feeling overwhelming despite all of the layers between you. A whine slips from your mouth into his when he rolls his hips up towards yours, and he canât help but hate himself a bit for not just confessing sooner.Â
You pull away from him, a smile on your face as he chases your kiss. âPlease touch me,â you whisper, hiding your face in his neck when he chuckles at your request, calling you cute under his breath.
He feels oddly thankful that youâre not grinding on him any longer because he was about two more movements away from cumming in his pants. His hand slips under your shorts, finding your clit and pressing on it through your underwear, liking the way your breath fans his skin when you sigh. The wet patch on the fabric only starts to spread when he starts rubbing you. âYou like that?âÂ
âYeah,â you tell him on an exhale, letting your hips roll against his hand, whimpering at the friction.Â
Your mouth quickly finds his again, and you let your hand clutch at his shirt, balling it up in your first before tugging at it, parting to take it off of him. With wide eyes, you gape at his torso, the word âShit,â falling from your mouth while you let a hand rest on his stomach.Â
When he tries pushing your panties to the side, the soaked material sticks to your slit slightly, and Jay groans despite himself. Youâre absolutely drenched in slick, sopping wet to the core as you let out a broken whine from the feeling of his finger slipping into you. Curling his finger towards your belly button, his eyes fall shut, cock throbbing against his thigh when he thinks about how youâd feel around his shaft, how youâd look under him.
âYouâre so good,â you whisper, awestruck and trembling in his lap.
The way you watch him makes him feel a little under pressure when he opens his eyes, but, determined to make you feel good, Jay attaches his thumb to your clit and everything is so slick that his finger slips around a bit before he can help it. You squirm in his lap, your head falling forward into the crook of his neck, forcing Jay to hiss when you bite on the skin of his shoulder. Your whimpers turn into cries and you mumble that youâre close, your walls tensing around him a moment later as if to prove your point.Â
Jay pulls his fingers out, holding back a moan at the way they glisten in the light, coated in youâ âNooo,â you whine, sounding audibly distraught.Â
Though heâs too busy tasting your cunt on his fingers to grace you with a response. In the quiet of the room, you sit up properly to look at him, watching with parted lips as Jay sucks on his fingers, humming at the way you taste. You barely give him a chance to put his hand back down before pressing your lips to his, moaning into his mouth as you taste yourself on his tongue.Â
Getting a tight grip on your waist, he moves around a bit to lay you down on the bed. Resting on his forearm, Jay leans over you, kissing you again. He lets his hand trail down your body, liking the way you spread your legs when he dips his fingers into your waistband. You nod eagerly when he asks if he can take them off, and his cock throbs when you tell him to take your panties off too.Â
With no unnecessary fabric in his way, his finger drags up and down the length of your pussy. Already close, it doesnât take long for you to start whimpering and squirming underneath him, your walls stuttering once again as you cum, hot and hard on his hand.Â
Ever the gentleman, Jay stands up to place himself between your legs, groaning at the sight of you, pulsing and wet. âSuch a pretty pussy,â he says. Deciding not to waste another second, he uses his thumbs to spread your lips a little before burying his face in your cunt.Â
It doesnât take much for you to writhe under his tongue, and as soon as he kisses your clit itâs a wrap. He feels his cock leaking a little when your clit starts to throb between his lips, and he canât help but groan when you tug at his hair.Â
You stutter through the words: âToo much,â and Jay tears his mouth away from you, letting his forehead rest on your inner thigh while he catches his breath, savouring your taste on his tongue. It doesnât last long though; your scent drives him crazy. When Jay leans back over your face, he presses kisses to your cheek, mumbling to you about how pretty you are, and how good you taste, all while playing with the drawstrings of your hoodie.Â
He likes the way it looks on you, way better than it does on him. Likes it so much, he almost objects when you sit up to pull it over your head. Jayâs glad he doesnât. He gulps at the sight of your breasts, surprised to see that you werenât wearing anything under his hoodie, his dick somehow growing harder just from looking at you.Â
Jay feels an intense desperation to suck on them, but your hands reach back up to his face, pulling him towards you to kiss him again. He settles (ecstatically) for holding one in his hand, pinching your nipple with his fingers. Heâs relaxed, heâs happy; not torn up about it because he has all the time in the world to feel your tits in his mouth.Â
He thinks.Â
Jay pulls away from you. âWait,â he says, feeling butterflies when you smile up at him. âCan I be your boyfriend?â
Your giggle sounds like music and he feels warm all over when you say, âOf course,â the words somewhat muffled by his lips on yours again, he could make out with you all day. But he stops for a moment, looking down at you, into your eyes and revelling in this moment. Revelling in you, his girlfriend, and the way you look at him. Like he put the stars in the sky or moved mountains; like you want him just as much as heâs wanted you all this time. And he wonders what heâs done to deserve it.Â
Overwhelmed by emotion, Jay kisses you, lets his tongue run along the seam of your lips as he considers just kissing you for the rest of the night. It almost seems like heâs trying to, and you speak once more against his mouth.Â
âAre you gonna fuck me?â you ask, moving your head to the side. âItâs okay if youâre not, but Iâd like to know.âÂ
Jay smirks at you â pretty cocky for a guy whose dick is throbbing against his thigh just from hearing you talk. âYou want that?â
âMhm,â you hum, nodding. âNeed it.â Your gaze burns into his as he tries to process your words. You look distractingly beautiful with a thin sheen of sweat on your forehead, lidded eyes, and kiss-plumped lips that you press up against his once more. âThereâs condoms in the second drawer.â
Leaning up off of you, Jay reaches into his back pocket to show off the two condoms heâd brought with him.
âClassy,â you tease, though thereâs an excitement in your eyes that drives him mad.Â
âResponsible,â he corrects, standing up to pull his pants and underwear down. Slapping against his stomach, his cock throbs when he hears you gasp. Jay lifts his head in your direction, trying not to cum on the spot from the sight of you leaning up on your elbows, staring at his dick with an open mouth.Â
Taking a deep breath, Jay reminds himself that he has all the time in the world to find out what your pretty lips will feel like around him, choosing to busy himself with putting the condom on instead. âHow do you want it?âÂ
If the way you stop and stammer through the word âHoweverâ is anything to go by, the question seems to catch you off guard. Making his way back over to you, Jay racks his brain trying to figure out how he wants this to go, but seeing you on your back with your legs spread for him makes it clear. He hovers over you, lips drawn to yours like a magnet, using his hand to run the tip of his cock up and down your pussy, all while you whine against his mouth every time he pushes past your clit.Â
âDonât want to wait any longer.â
Your words make his stomach turn. He pulls away, his brows knitted together. âHow long have you been waiting?âÂ
âMonths, Jay,â you say, voice barely above a whisper, eyes screwed shut in a tortured expression. âPlease.âÂ
Satisfied with your answer, Jay guides his cock to your slit. Pushes just a little. âI wonât make you wait like that again,â he tells you, and he means it, pushing in as much as he can before you cry out.Â
Worried, Jay stops, leaning close to press a kiss to your cheek. âYou okay?âÂ
âI just need a sec,â you tell him breathlessly.
Jay nods. As good as he feels, quitting while heâs ahead seems like the better option at the minute â he needs a sec too, but with the way your walls clench around him, it doesnât really feel like much has changed. He finds himself having to hold his hips back after a while, as you get used to the feeling of him inside, your pretty little cunt starts trying to suck him in and his breath hitches in his throat when you look him in the eye.Â
With a hand on the back of his neck, you pull his face back down to yours. âIâm good,â you mumble into his ear.Â
âYeah?â he asks, grinning when you nod in response.Â
You stretch around him so easily that Jay whines as you take him in, deeper and deeper, inch by inch until he bottoms out. âShit,â he mutters. How did he go so long without this? The sting of your nails digging into his bicep makes him hiss and he all but passes out when you moan. Falling from your mouth on a loop with every move he makes, his name is the most beautiful thing heâs ever heard; you cut yourself off with a gasp, breath hitching in your throat.
âThere?â Jay asks, even though he knows heâs hitting your spot.Â
You look up at him through fluttering eyelids, becoming more and more dazed each time his hips smack yours. âMhm, Iâclose,â you mumble.Â
Jay takes this as a sign to hike your leg up around his waist, making sure to hit it each time he pumps into you. It seems like itâs working. âCum for me, baby,â he whispers, using his free hand to push some of your hair out of your face.Â
Your whines turn into broken sobs and you hide your face in the pillow next to you, muffling your screams. Although he thinks your consideration for your flatmates is coming a bit late, he leaves you be, finding the sight sexier than he cares to admit.Â
Sexier still is the way your body tenses before squirming again, your walls pulsing uncontrollably around him while you cum. Jayâs stomach starts to tighten as he fucks you, spurred on by the look on your face as you orgasm, and the sound of his cock filling you up. With a few more thrusts and a jagged moan, he spills his load into the condom, just about collapsing on top of you.Â
Considering how fucked out and sleepy youâd been while Jay cleaned you up, he isnât surprised to find you fast asleep when he gets back from cleaning himself. He does his best to join you in bed as softly as possible but itâs no use because you wake with a large yawn, making his heartache from a weird mixture of guilt and how cute you look.Â
He lays on his back, grinning to himself when you rest your head on his chest, making yourself comfy with an arm and leg slung over him. You talk drowsily about watching The Devil Wears Prada in full after his game tomorrow and nod eagerly when he asks if you want to wear one of his jerseys to come and watch him play. Jay keeps his eyes shut until he hears you snoring faintly, and looks forward to teasing you about it in the morning.
When he stares straight ahead at your ceiling, a fuzzy feeling rises in his chest. âI put my star on the ceiling too,â he whispers, knowing you canât hear him, but feeling happy nonetheless.
Huddled up under Jayâs jacket, you sit on the half wall outside the football house with Chaewon, watching as Jeno blows smoke from his super king over his shoulder. Though given the way that the wind blows it back in your faces, the two of you may as well have taken him up on his offer to share.Â
Letting Chaewon rest her head on your shoulder, you take a sip of your drink and feel thankful to the version of you from five minutes ago who let Jay fill your cup with lemonade instead of vodka. The two of you laugh along with Jeno until you see Yunjin rushing out of the double doors and into the garden.Â
âIs there anything wrong with my outfit?â she asks, giving the three of you a twirl so you can check and mumbling a âthank youâ to Jeno who reaches his arm out to stop her from falling over in the process.Â
Yunjinâs outfit looks fine. At first. Until you notice the massive hole in the left side of her skirt; the sight of which leaves you and Chaewon wiping tears of laughter. Through cackles and a slight stomach ache, you manage to ask what happened.Â
âI got caught on something, like, an hour ago, and I wasnât hurt or anything so I forgot about it, and then I went out front and felt the craziest breeze on my thigh and I looked down and.. half of my skirt is just.. missing,â she explains, pausing only to take a draw from Jenoâs cigarette. âDoes it look intentional at least?âÂ
You almost choke on your drink when Chaewon suggests using her acrylics to make an identical hole on the side, telling her to market the holes as âcutoutsâ and try selling it on Depop.Â
âVintage, Y2K, I.AM.GIA, Destinyâs Child, Britney Spears,â she says, although sheâs had so much to drink that it all comes out as one word. âDonât laugh at me, write it down! Babe, quick, take pictures!âÂ
Yunjin poses dramatically while Jeno takes product photos on her phone, and in the space between them, through the double doors, you see your boyfriend standing next to the dining table, his friends laughing around him while he stares over in your direction with a sweet smile on his face.Â
And even though you canât say for sure, youâre just glad that here, tonight, you have a pretty good idea of why Park Jongseongâs smiling at you.
Š zreamy (2023), all rights reserved. do not repost, translate, or plagiarise my work. do let my know your thoughts !
permanent taglist: @asahicore
#GOSH .. canât stop smiling .. love yew emmacore MWAAHHHHHH#girl grinning thinking about your jay fic.. all.. girl grinning about to go read flash forward again.........#yoshivitamins#fic: ntl
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yes i do the cooking âźď¸ yes i do the cleaning âźď¸
#my only love âËâš.* ⥠*.âšËâ#THE CHAINS???#THE TSHIRT#THE JAYCEPS#HE WANTS ME DEAD#personally i would like to lick the sweat off him before i go#then i wouldve have a fulfilled life#hes a gorgeous man his sweat is probs delicious#im going insane#jay enhypen#park jongseong#enhypen
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MICHIN ...
#my only love âËâš.* ⥠*.âšËâ#thank u jakarta#for whatever reason jay just NEEDED to be sleeveless every waking moment#AND IM GRATEFUL FOR IT#JAYCEPS !!#jay enhypen#park jongseong#enhypen
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good morning world heres some jaycep for the day:
#nic thinks â・ďžâď¸ď˝Ąâ・ ďžâž ďžď˝Ąâ#my only love âËâš.* ⥠*.âšËâ#its gonna be a good day#bc of this pic alone#i pledge allegiance to jayceps#jay enhypen#park jongseong#enhypen
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DONT GET ME STARTED đ (he even got the jayceps out im officially dead)
WHY DID I SEE NEARLY SHIRTLESS JAY ON MY TWITTER TIMELINE
WHAT THE HELL
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guys dont refer me as nic anymore i will only answer to jayceps lover !!!
best gm text thanks bae @02zhoonie
#nic thinks â・ďžâď¸ď˝Ąâ・ ďžâž ďžď˝Ąâ#bae 02zhoonie <3#my only love âËâš.* ⥠*.âšËâ#everyone jayceps â˘ď¸ is a term now#i trademarked it#like whoever came up w jass
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what the fuck đ jay i need ur ass to go back to the gym RIGHT NOW 2024 is ur year to get MASSIVE. drink ur daily protein shakes. max out on ur weights. grow the jass and the jayceps. i am not playing this is so serious to me i need gymrat jay to return.
#nic thinks â・ďžâď¸ď˝Ąâ・ ďžâž ďžď˝Ąâ#my only love âËâš.* ⥠*.âšËâ#i will fly to korea to become his personal trainer#no funny business i deadass will make him and hoon workout#i need my guys buff as hell#jay enhypen#park jongseong
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@02zhoonie confirming the jayceps are getting bigger and the heeceps are growing as well ... my manifestations r working
#nic thinks â・ďžâď¸ď˝Ąâ・ ďžâž ďžď˝Ąâ#r yall tired of me yet#bc i will NOT shut up about this#EVER#mooties âĄâËâ˘.#bae 02zhoonie <3
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me and u both the same fr fr cuz i see jay's bare arms and i go crazy like a gentleman from the 1800s seeing the ankles of a woman
MY JAYCEPS AGENDA LIVES ON đđźđđźđđź and gentleman from the 1800s comment is so real bc thats literally how i feel when i see some biceps đ
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when i tell u after i saw jayceps my first instinct was to run to my dms with nic and scream
@02zhoonie confirming the jayceps are getting bigger and the heeceps are growing as well ... my manifestations r working
#literally concert ended and i was like FCUK I NEED TO SEND THIS RO NIC#same with glasses jayKE LMAO
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