#Izzy would repeat stories in that gravely voice of his

[ask-stede-bonnet]

Are you jealous you're not the only one that homoerotically stabbed Ed?

No... I wasn't clear in what I was saying, and now I feel like a bit of an idiot to be honest.

[thelightofthebane]

through the good and bad and all in between

Summary: Magnus was born a warlock. Magnus became a mundane for love and by self-sacrificing tendencies. Magnus turned into a vampire after an act of spite and revenge.

A story about survival, new identities, love through adversities, and accepting changes.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Vampire Magnus Bane, Turned without consent, Major Character Undeath, Immortal to Mortal to Immortal, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Soft Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Cat & Alec friendship, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending

Rating: E

Chapters: 10

Words: Around 23k~

This fic was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2023: Presented by the @malecdiscordserver

You can read it on AO3 or the third chapter below ~

Chapter 3 - Don't let me slip away

After leaving the portal and crossing the entrance of the Institute, Alec went straight to his room – ignoring any call of his name. He loved to be the Head, but for the first time in his life, the whole world could as well burn and he wouldn’t blink an eye. Soon enough, he realized how big of a mistake it was to come to his bedroom – Magnus things were still scattered around.

He could still feel Magnus’ presence there, the smell of his Sandalwood fragrance, the wrinkles on his bedsheets, his boyfriend’s warmth still lingering in the air.

And just like that, Alec broke down. Falling ungracefully on the floor, a loud sob escaped his mouth and the dam overflowed.

Grief overcame him much stronger than before.

“Alec, Izzy finished the– Alec!” Jace called out, and he could also hear Isabelle gasping. The door was closed and both his siblings launched themselves onto the floor, each on one side of Alec. For some reason, this only made Alec cry harder – this time not caring if they saw. He was too tired to mask his feelings, too raw after seeing the love of his life in a grave and then refusing to acknowledge him.

“What happened? Did Magnus say no to your proposal? If he did, I’m gonna kill the motherfu–” Jace cut himself off at the full-body shiver of Alec.

“Too soon…” Alec gasped, his breath coming in bolted, short puffs of air. He was on the edge of hyperventilating. 

His siblings, already familiarized with the drill, went through all the steps to calm him until he was coherent again and breathing normally.

“Big brother, what happened?” Izzy repeated Jace’s question, more quietly and worried.

“Earlier, before my dinner with Magnus, while we were still dealing with Jonathan, Magnus left the Institute. I think he was too overwhelmed, especially after the scare he gave us yesterday, and just wanted to take some fresh air. And then… Then…”

Jace and Izzy took each of his hands and squeezed, tethering him and offering their support before he worked himself up to another panic attack.

“Some vampires…” Alec gulped down, his voice cracking. “Camille. They attacked him. They killed him.”

A pin could drop and the three of them would hear it perfectly in the following heavy silence. Before he lost the courage, Alec continued.

“Catarina found him already dead. And she… She made the same choice as Clary with Simon.”

Mortification downed on Izzy and Jace. 

“You know, I could feel something strange from the bond. I didn’t know what it was since you closed it off, but still, a faint sensation was bleeding from it. Is it where you were until now? Waiting for him to wake up again?”

Alec only nodded. What else there was to say?

“They’re in a safe place. I think Cat will stay with him until he has adapted to his new life.”

“Oh Alec…” Izzy hugged him, and Alec clung to her, accepting the comfort he so needed at the moment. Jace joined them, and for a moment the world felt right and nothing could hurt him anymore.

Unfortunately, reality caught up to him too fast, and Alec knew he couldn’t keep delaying his responsibilities. Especially when he had a vampire to hunt.

Sniffing one last time, he quickly cleaned his face and got up.

“Listen, you two can’t tell this to anyone. And I mean, anyone. Not even Clary.” Alec looked pointedly at Jace.

“But she loves Magnus too. She would want to see him and–”

“That’s exactly why you can’t tell her. She’s much better now, but she still does whatever she wants. If Clary knows about Magnus’ situation, she will open a portal and go straight to him. He isn’t ready to see anyone, Jace.” Not even me went unsaid. “Give him time to adjust and choose when to see everyone. He had already lost so many things. We can’t take this from him, too. Please, Jace.”

“Okay…” The blonde answered softly, and for once didn’t try to fight his parabatai’s request. “Then, I’m going to check on her. As long as she’s connected to Jonathan, she is in danger.” He clasped Alec’s shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything, okay buddy?”

Alec nodded a bit distractedly, looking around and seeing Magnus’ things once more. He wondered if Magnus would want them, erasing his presence from Alec’s room. Perhaps from his life, too. No matter how he looked at it, Alec felt like he had only brought suffering to Magnus’ life.

“Big brother?” Alec didn’t even notice that Izzy had stayed, and was watching him with big, worried eyes. 

“I’m scared.” He finally admitted it out loud. “He lost his position as High Warlock, his powers, his home. Now he lost his life and his identity. Again. What else he has to hold to?”

“He has his family and his friends. He has us. But mainly, he has you, hermano.”

“I’m–” not enough. 

What if everything was too much for his boyfriend? Alec knew about some of Magnus’ lows. About a certain bridge. Would Magnus look for one? Or maybe throw himself at the sun? He surely didn’t care much about his own life when Lorenzo’s magic almost killed him before.

Alec shuddered, swallowing down the urge to fold into himself and cry again.

Magnus wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t.

~*~

His life was a comical joke. There was no other explanation for it.

Magnus only wanted to get his immortality and magic back. He didn’t ask to get killed - to die. He didn’t ask to become something else. Being a mundane was hysterical enough, but a vampire now? Forever locked away from any kind of magic, spending centuries hiding behind shadows, perpetually feeling cold and drawn to blood?

Worse - all by the hands of a woman who Magnus once loved so dearly.

Camille robbed him.

Asmodeus took his magic. Camille took his life.

For centuries, people had always taken, taken, taken from Magnus.

It seemed that they finally succeed in leaving him empty.

Magnus had his immortality back, yes, but why didn't it feel right?

He should be happy, no? It was what he wanted, at least partially.

However…

He felt so… violated.

It was even worse knowing that although he had centuries at his disposal again, there was no connection with his surroundings anymore. He couldn’t feel the elements, the ley lines, the magic that made him one with the world.

Honestly, he wasn’t feeling much currently.

If before, as a mundane, he felt too much - too much pain, too much grief, too much anger, now he was just an empty shell.

“Argh!” Magnus roared, accidentally smashing to pieces a very ancient table made of some tree that didn’t even exist anymore. If Ragnor was still alive, he would be scandalized.

Magnus shivered.

Ragnor.

If his dear cabbage was still here, what would he say? What would he do? Would he have agreed with Catarina about letting him turn into a vampire? All of this was so absurd, it was something neither of them had ever considered before to discuss. Could this be considered some vampiric version of necromancy? They did promise each other to never resort to dark magic though.

Yes, Magnus was upset, but not at Cat. Never at Cat. After a long talk, he could understand where she came from, and maybe he would’ve done the same if their roles were reversed, but still…

And Alec? God, where does his Alexander fit in all of this? Catarina told him how Alec stayed there with her since this nightmare started. And briefly, Magnus saw the pain and despair in Alec’s eyes before turning away.

Love, too. So much love.

Before, it was humbling. Now, it felt misplaced. He should let Alec go. Magnus knew he didn’t have anything more to offer Alec. He would be a burden for his boy, and Alexander still had so much good to do for the Shadow World.

Magnus should… Should… Again…

He froze.

A portal was opening, and immediately Magnus knew.

He was here. Alec kept his word and came back.

And Magnus… Magnus wasn’t ready to see him yet. Or ever.

In the blink of an eye, he ran to the nearest bathroom and locked himself in. Vampire’s speed. It had its perks after all, albeit slightly out of control still.

Well, he would get better. He had a lot of time again after all.

“Magnus?” Alexander called, but Magnus refused to answer. If he still had a beating heart, it would surely be very erratic right now. He listened to Alec walking around, his worn-out boots hitting the wooden floor. Eventually, the steps reached the bathroom’s door, and Alec knocked, repeating. “Magnus, are you in there?”

Every time Magnus tried to open his mouth and say something - anything - the lump would grow in his throat and paralyze him in fear.

“You’re there, aren’t you?” A pause. “Can I come in?”

No, I’m sorry. Just go. Leave me alone. Go be happy with someone who truly deserves it. 

Silence.

For a moment, Magnus thought the Shadowhunter had gotten the message and left, but he knew better. Alec was stubborn to a fault. Magnus heard some shuffling and a soft thump on the door, Alec’s voice then coming from a lower point.

Oh. He sat on the floor. Right in front of the door.

Alec was going to stay there?

“It’s okay, you don’t need to talk to me. Or talk at all. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. I won’t leave your side, Magnus. Never again.”

Magnus had to cover his mouth tightly before a sob exploded from it.

He fell, his knees hitting the porcelain floor hard, and curved onto himself.

He wanted Alec so badly. His arms around him, his lovely whispers. His warmth.

Magnus felt so cold.

Forever, he would feel cold.

~*~

It became their new routine.

Alec would come and Magnus would hide inside the bathroom. They both stayed near the door, sitting against it and soaking up in that odd situation of sharing almost the same space, but never touching. Never seeing the other. Never speaking to the other.

Well, mostly. Although they basked themselves in comfortable silence, Alec talked sometimes. He recounted to Magnus what he did that day, his siblings’ new shenanigans, his biweekly coffee dates with Maryse. He also confessed the hard parts - finally confronting Jonathan and killing him, but not after him bringing absolute chaos and destruction to Alicante (and Magnus didn’t want to think about how he could’ve lost Alec to a war while he was stuck in the middle of nowhere being useless), a rift in the sky connected to Edom, a battle against Lilith, Isabelle almost dying to Heavenly Fire, Downworlders becoming mundane (Raphael becoming mundane!) because of the Clave, Luke becoming a Shadowhunter again, Lorenzo refusing to help them as the High Warlock (but apparently flirting with Underhill?), Clary and Izzy deciding to become parabatais…

So on and so on.

The world was still turning and Magnus detached himself from its gravity.

And during all the tales, Magnus wouldn’t utter a single word. He never tried to start a conversation with Alec. Because he knew that if he opened his mouth, he would be unable to hold himself.

The only true comfort Magnus allowed himself was wearing Alec’s clothes. When everything was too much and Magnus felt like giving up, he would put Alec’s sweatpants or one of his many old sweaters full of holes and washed colors. They still held Alec’s scent and warmth, and that was everything.

After some time, Magnus also saw small changes in Ragnor’s cottage each new day. His makeup, clothes, favorite books, and trinkets appearing. His omamori charm. Even his jewelry. Curiously, some of them, although having the same design, were made of a different material. All the ones made of silver were replaced by gold or other metals and stones.

He asked Catarina about it one evening.

“Your boy. He had been studying hard about vampire culture, even talking more to some clans in New York. I heard he became really good friends with this vampire called Lily Chen.” Cat grinned. “As soon as he found out about the dangers and intricacies of silver for vampires, he took it personally to check all your clothes, accessories, and jewelry. He even checked if your makeup had any silver in its composition. Alec replaced what he could so you wouldn’t be without any of your belongings. Even if you continue to refuse seeing him, he never stopped taking care of you, Magnus.”

Alec never stopped surprising him.

And it would only make it harder when Magnus broke up with him to set him free.

But Magnus felt selfish enough to hold on a little longer.

Tomorrow, he would repeat to himself.

But every new tomorrow brought a new surprise and endearing gesture, and Magnus simply couldn’t.

He had to put a stop to this madness and thus decided to finally end things.

That day, almost three weeks after his ‘death’, could’ve been like any other day of their new, strange routine, but no. For the first time in months, Magnus was the one to break the silence after Alec launched into a new story about Jace and Simon training together at the Institute.

“Why?”

Slowly, Magnus slipped to the floor, keeping his back against the door. He knew he didn't have to explain what he meant. Alec would understand.

Somehow, he always did.

The silence stretched for some minutes until Alec blabbered suddenly.

“I want to marry you.”

And that… wasn’t what Magnus expected at all.

…

“That’s why I proposed to Lydia.”

“That’s… interesting.”

“It makes sense. It’s a solid partnership. For both of us.”

“‘Solid partnership.’ That’s hot. Well, okay, then. Congratulations. Marriage is a wonderful institution. Not that I would know.”

…

“Nobody ever wanted to marry me,” Magnus replied softly, a confession too painful to say out loud.

“I do,” Alec said with that same conviction that never failed to surprise Magnus. “I… I was going to propose that night.”

Magnus exhaled sharply, feeling the tears blur his vision. But before he could say anything, Alec continued.

“I’m glad I didn’t. It would have been a mistake.”

Oh… Magnus closed his eyes. Of course. Of course, Alec would regret that decision. Who would want to marry someone so useless and broken and–”

“I want to marry you,” Alec repeated, strongly, as if reading Magnus’ thoughts. “But it wasn’t the right time. You didn’t need a ring on your finger. You needed… You needed me. And maybe, maybe… If I wasn’t so busy worrying about a proposal that day, you wouldn’t have… You…”

A sob.

Magnus blinked, tears falling.

“I just wanted to fix this…”

“It’s not your job to fix anything. To fix me.”

“No, it isn’t. Now I know that because there is nothing broken. Magnus, you aren’t broken. You just changed. And that’s… that’s okay.”

Magnus huffed. “Alec, you can’t seriously think–”

“I don’t care,” Alec cut Magnus off before his thoughts could spiral more. “I don’t care what you are. Warlock, mundane, vampire, werewolf, demon…” Magnus’ heart failed some beats. “You are not your titles or your blood. You are not just the High Warlock. Just a Downworlder. Just Asmodeus’ son. You are you. Your own person. You are Magnus Bane. The only one. My love. My Magnus.”

“I’m fine, Alexander.” What else he could say at this rate?

“No, you aren’t. I know you, Magnus, and you are definitely not fine.” Alec didn’t like to call Magnus out like this, but this time… this time was a too damn close call to just swipe under the rug.

“I-” Magnus tried again but snapped his mouth shut. Because really? What was the point anymore?

Magnus Bane, centuries-old warlock, was no more.

“I’m not fine.”

[bytheangell]

Cheating Death

(Read on AO3) Square Filled: Reincarnation for @shadowhunterbingo Pairing: None/Gen (Magnus & Ragnor friendship) Rating: General Audiences  – Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Tags: reincarnation, back from the dead, feels, but happy feels,  Summary:  Magnus is used to visions of Ragnor showing up when he needs him the most, and also when he doesn’t need him. Except this one isn’t as easily dismissed as the others. This one might be more than his usual projection...  -----------

Magnus doesn’t have time to mourn properly, which means what he does is lose sleep to visit the makeshift grave he made for Ragnor, just to sit and talk. He wants to tell his friend everything, about crashing Alec’s wedding, about their first kiss, their first date, the way he knows he shouldn’t expect too much from something so new but how every time he looks into Alexander’s eyes he can see the promise of so much more than he dares to hope for. He wants Ragnor to laugh at him for falling for another mortal, for a Nephilim despite all his previous swearing off of them as a group. He wants Ragnor to scold him for moving too quickly.

He wants, and he wants, and he knows that unlike the other things he wants in this life these are things he will never have again.

He hears Ragnor, occasionally, and even sees him, though he doesn’t tell anyone of those times. He isn’t sure if they’re his mind playing tricks on him, hallucinations from his current lack of sleep and overworking, or if perhaps they’re dreams that feel so real he imagines himself awake for them. Either way, he knows they aren’t real.

Which is why he almost looks right past the man standing in front of him in the hallway outside of his loft when he answers the door.

“Not now,” Magnus dismisses the apparition he’s grown used to seeing by now. “We can berate me for nearly living out the rest of my days in Edom later.”

Ragnor doesn’t move. It hardly matters - Magnus tried to touch him once or twice before, wishing for nothing more than to hug his oldest friend again, only to find his arms pass right through him. So Magnus goes to leave, to walk right through Ragnor, and hits a very solid person instead.

Immediately Magnus raises his hands in front of him, red magic licking at his fingertips as his cat eyes flash and narrow.

“Who are you?” Magnus demands. It has to be a trick - a shape-shifting demon, or some warlock in a glamour.

“I haven’t been gone for that long,” Ragnor says. “I can’t believe you get one Nephilim fiancé and you forget about me entirely.”

“You aren’t Ragnor. You can’t be Ragnor,” Magnus says, his own voice wavering. He wants to believe it to be true so badly…

“I can’t imagine many people are clamoring to be me,” Ragnor points out. “Just stop and think about it. Didn’t even ping your wards, did I? Could a shape-shifter confuse your warding?”

“No…” Magnus admits slowly. “But…”

“Please don’t make me recount our time in Peru to convince you,” Ragnor pleads.

“As if I haven't told that story to anyone who’ll listen,” Magnus counters.

“Then what about the day you turned up weeping on my doorstep after Etta left you.”

Magnus sucks in a breath. “I never told anyone about that. How could you-”

“Magnus, it’s me.” Ragnor repeats, and this time Magnus starts to believe him. 

This time Magnus drops the bag he’s holding and wraps his arms around his old friend, still half-expecting them to go through him. But they don’t, and Ragnor lifts his own to embrace him back.

“How?” Magnus asks again.

“I’m not sure,” Ragnor admits. “But I have a theory. That is, if I’m allowed in to discuss it, possibly over some tea, and not murdered for a second time where I stand.”

Magnus has a million things he needs to do right now but he sends a text to Alec stating that he’s running late, and that he’ll explain when he gets a chance, and that he’ll definitely make it up to him later for leaving him alone with Izzy for the foreseeable future’s worth of wedding planning.

His phone rings a second later.

“Is everything okay?” comes Alec’s worried voice from the other end of the line.

“Yes. I think. I really can’t explain yet, but I promise I wouldn’t be late if it wasn’t important. I’ll be there soon. Very soon. I love you and I trust your judgment implicitly,” Magnus says, ignoring the eye-roll he received from Ragnor and the exaggeration gagging motions he’s making from the hallway before pushing past while Magnus is on the phone, taking this opportunity to finally make his way inside without waiting for expressed permission.

And yes, the longer this goes on the less doubt Magnus has that it is, in fact, Ragnor.

“But you’re sure you’re alright. You aren’t like… in trouble and you can’t say it out loud or anything crazy like that? Say pineapple if you’re in trouble,” Alec says.

“I’m not in trouble and why would that, of all words, be the word to choose if I was?” Magnus demands. “Really. I’m fine. And I’ll be there soon,” he says, eyeing Ragnor who is already pouring himself a drink before hanging up.

“Hope you don’t mind, but I decided we needed something stronger than tea,” Ragnor says, not waiting for a reply. “A few drinks are the least you owe me for getting me killed.”

Magnus frowns deeply, clearing his throat. “Yes, well, hardly counts if you’re actually alive, does it?”

“Oh, I died. I was very, very much dead, until recently. Do you remember when we were young,” Ragnor begins slowly, taking a long sip of his drink before placing it down on the table. “And we came across that reincarnation spell in the theoretically-forbidden texts we stole from that grouchy old warlock in Argentina?”

“Barely,” Magnus admits. “I remember it took us weeks to get the ingredients, and I’m positive we butchered the pronunciation of half the words, and then forgot about it entirely after it didn’t do anything.”

Ragnor meets his eyes across the table at that. “I believe, my dear friend, that’s where we were mistaken. It did something, because that spot in the forest is where I came back.”

Magnus takes a few precious seconds to process that information - not just for what it means to Ragnor standing in front of him, alive and well, but the implications of what it might mean for himself in the future as well.

“And you’re… fine? Your powers, your memories?” Magnus questions. It seems too good to be true, and in his experience things that seemed too good to be true almost always were.

“It all seems intact enough. I was rather hoping Catarina could give me a thorough examination until I realized everyone was too busy planning for the wedding of the century at the New York Institute, of all places,” Ragnor says pointedly.

It seems to hit Magnus all at once then that this is real, that it’s actually happening, and the tears that begin to fall from his eyes are entirely involuntary.

Ragnor moves from his side of the table to stand next to Magnus, hovering awkwardly for a moment as if unsure if being closer would make it better or worse until Magnus turned to wrap his arms around Ragnor once more.

“I’m glad you followed my advice,” Ragnor says, patting Magnus on the back. “There’s nothing else I’d rather come back to see. You deserve this happiness.”

“Not a day went by that I didn’t wish you were here to see-” Magnus starts, taking a step back and sniffling, wiping his eyes dry again. “I’m so glad you’re here for this. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.”

“Good, because I didn’t have time to buy anything,” Ragnor points out, smirking a bit as he does, and Magnus chokes out a laugh that eases all of the remaining tension between them.

Looking down at the wet stains on his less-than-ideal outfit, Ragnor sighs. “I should go change, however, if I’m to attend a wedding. You should go and tend to your Nephilim before he thinks you got cold feet. I’ll see you again soon.”

Magnus looks hesitant, biting down on his lower lip. He doesn’t want to let Ragnor out of his sight for a second, afraid that if he leaves he isn’t going to come back this time. Ragnor seems to read his mind, as he always had. As he always will.

“I’ll be there,” Ragnor promises. “We can figure the rest out after. I’m not going to leave you again.” Ragnor pauses, considering. “Possibly ever. You may come to regret this.”

Magnus smiles, shaking his head. “Never, my dear cabbage. Never.”