#Ive been stuffing my face for like 6 hours lol

[pudgybun]

Tonights stuffing 🐷💕

Not pictured: 2 large boba (one a kumquat lime tea and a one green tea milkshake) A huge tuna melt on sourdough bread, a southwestern style double burger, mushroom swiss double burger, 2 large sodas, 6 gyoza, lemongrass chicken springrolls, homemade chocolate chip cookies :3

[lovebunnie]

Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you

[harryff]

Chapter 2 Aria Part 1.

Trigger warning: Sexual assault, domestic abuse. Please call the 1−800−799−7233 if you have suffered from any abuse.

In the next upcoming months Aria and Harry reconnected. Her album was to be released soon but she longed to go back to the days she sang background for the band.

Laying in bed she remembered the day Liam and Harry got into a fight over whose part she will sing along with and somehow she managed to appease them both. It was the first time Harry truly noticed her as he tells it to people.

It was currently 10pm in New York  which meant it was 3am in Manchester where Harry was working on his album. Aria was supposed to be asleep instead her mind raced filled with anxiety she couldn’t relax instead her thoughts took her to the worst possible outcomes for performance the next day. To help pass time she texted him

Aria: I miss you big head lol😚😙😋

Aria: I can’t sleep😣😣😓😓☹

Aria: I wish I could call you but you’re sleeping beauty and you definitely need 6 hours of sleep at least or youll be evil lol 😴😴😴

Aria: Remember the time i made you stay up for 24 hours and you were grumpy the whole day and I had to make it up 😉😂

Aria: I have to perform tomorrow. I don’t want to. I’d  much rather go back to the good old days where no one knew I existed

Aria: I still laugh at the memories of you falling on stage…. clumsy prince

Aria: I’m gonna have diarrhea tomorrow theres no  way I’m gonna survive

Aria: Sorry TMI 🙊

Aria: Since I cant bug you you’ll wake up to like 20 texts. 😜

Aria: she sent picture of her sleeping with the teddy bear he got her 2 years ago

Aria: Me and Mr. H miss you

Aria: I had to give him surgery awhile back. Roxy the little shit ripped his eye out. I almost cried 😢😢😢

Aria: Imagine me a grown woman crying over a stuffed animal. 😂😭😭😭

Aria: I went into panic mode!! That was not a contingency I planned for she just bit his eye and yanked it out! Then she starts running with it! In her mouth! Chewing it!  I never truly knew what panic was till that moment!😲😲😲

Aria: Damn dog😒😒😒

Aria: Arent you supposed to be up running? It’s 3

Aria: I miss you again

Aria: I don’t want to perform Harry

Aria: Will you be disappointed in me if I quit?

Aria: Will you call when you wake up?

When Harry woke up at 5am his time he read the texts laughing she was definitely panicking her nerves were getting to her because she was a chatter box.

He called her via Skype

Her computer facing her she raised up hearing the call she clicked the mouse before falling back in bed.

“Aria” he said watching her move around

“Yes”

“I see Roxy is around Mr.H” he said noticing the dog by her side  

“Yes she was on 1 month probation after she did that”

He chuckled

“It’s not funny” she said sitting up

“Yeh ok?”

“No” she said looking down  

“Yeh’ll do good!”

“I don’t like performing in front of people”

“Yeh did when we went on tour”

“Yes but no one knew it was me”

He sighed

“I have to perform for the executives at 9. Practiced my ranges”

“Don’t strain your voice”

“I know… what are you doing today besides calming my nerves”

“Just tha'nd recording”

“You’re working on your 3rd album?”

“Yes”

She smiled “you have great bed head”

He laughed “are yeh not sleepy?”

“I am I keep jerking in my sleep”

“Just relax poppet”

“I’m trying”

“I have to go for my run”

“Ok i’ll call you when I get done”

“Ok” he said blowing a kiss

She caught it.

Harry: How’d it go? He asked when she didn’t call by the end of the day he wondered how things went

Aria: 😭😭😭😭😭😖😓

Harry called her

Harry: Pick up poppet

Aria: No 😭😢

Harry: howd it go

Aria: ‘need more practice’

Aria: Tommy said ‘on a scale of 1-10. 1 being pretty bad  and 10 being the worst performance ever that was a 7.’ 😭😭😭 I can’t do this

Harry:😒😒 drop him he’s a shitty manager

Harry: Pick up poppet please

She took a deep breath before answering his call

“Hey” she said

“Where are you?”

“At home”  her voice broke

“Aww pet”

“I can’t do this Harry”

“I think yeh need another manager”

She sniffed “I wish you were here”

“I’ll be there soon pet”

She remained silent

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

“My voice  shook the whole time….sang off key sounded like shit”

“It’s alright Aria”

“It’s not,” her voice was soft. “I’m not made for this.”

“Aria yeh are” he stressed

She sighed “how was your day”

“It was wonderful recorded 3 songs”

“Good”

“My album is done will you listen to it?”

He paused “i don’ kno’ if i should.” He was hesitant. In the past she depended so much on his opinion he got frustrated with the search of approval from him.

“Ok fair enough i’ll have Mr. H listen to it”

He remained silent

“Maybe i can do like a Sia thing but cover my whole body be in dungeon somewhere”

He was still quiet

“Ok Harry good night.” She said ending the call. She knew him too well he was asleep.

As she sat aimlessly looking at the ceiling she contemplated all the different things she could do to put an end to her contract. Get sick with a virus, purposely damage her larynx, car accident etc. When Harry awoke at 3am his time he called her she stared at the phone contemplating whether she would swipe right or left. The screen went dark she thanked the gods for not making her make that decision.

At 10 in the morning she found herself in the studio listening to Thomas or Tommy berate her

“ARIA! Im talking to you!” he said snapping her out of her thoughts

“Sorry” she cowered away

“WHY” he paused “why didn’t you perform like you did in this video? you were so good then what is it now?” he was showing her a video of her singing at a local jazz bar. There were only 10 people, people she would never meet this was different this was executives and produces people who had the power to build or destroy her career with one move.

“I dont know im just nervous”

“ABOUT WHAT? WE HAVE DONE EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN TO GET YOU TO NOT BE NERVOUS? SO WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT NOW?

“EVERYTHING!” She argued back before looking at her phone Harry had called her 5 times already.

Harry: Aria are you ok ive called you multiple times

She recorded Tommy

He hit the wall beside her “YO YOU A FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT IT’S A WASTE OF TALENT YOU HAVE. I GOT A 10 YEAR OLD WHO WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR SPOT!” He walked away from her “…SO YOURE TELLING ME YOURE GONNA LET SOME 10 YEAR OLD OUT DO YOU? DO WE NEED TO MAKE YOU SING NAKED NEXT TIME?”

She spoke softly “Im sorry I can’t Tommy”

“DONT TOMMY ME! TELL ME YOU CANT! YOU JUST DONT WANT TO!  YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED FOR YOU! YOU OWE ME THIS!”

She sat silently and hit the send button

Harry: get up and walk away. He texted feeling his anger rise if he was there his fist would be connecting with Tommy’s jaw

Aria: I cant

Harry: Aria get up and walk away

Aria: he’s blocking the door.

She remained quiet waiting for the vent session to be over.

“You have a show tomorrow Chicago Bulls so get ready. Ya ass aint making a fool out of me again” She nodded leaving the studio. She ignored Harry for the rest of the day working on her vocals. She sat at home working on her ranges.

“You sound good Ria” her grandmother said cooking

“Thanks Grandma”

“Whats wrong?” she noticed her behavior

“Tommy screamed at me… told me lots of things i was an embarrassment to him… grandma i don’t know if i can do this”

“Youre too good dont let him ruin you!”

“I know”

Her phone lit up it was Harry texting her.

Harry: can you call me please

She stood up and went to her room to call him

“Aria” he said looking at her on the camera

“Hey” she said getting comfortable on the bed. Her eyes were puffy her nose was red. “How was your day?”

“Good.. are yeh ok?”

“I’m ok” she sighed

“Wha’ happened with Tommy”

“Have to perform tomorrow”

He tilted his head in confusion

“Yea”

“Don’ wan yeh to be sad pet”

“I’m ok Harry. Me and Mr. H will be tough” she joked

He chuckled “I’ll be there soon so save some luvin for me yea?” “No you dont get any”

“Wha’? Why?” he smiled

“Well see me and Mr. H have a bond even you can’t break. I have been there with him through thick and thin” her eyes welled up “and he wont” her voice started to break “and he wont let me down and i won’t do the same to him… sorry i dont mean to cry”

“Aria dont cry pet”

She chuckled wiping her tears “I don’t even know why im crying Harry thats the problem. With Mr. H i know i cant let him down"

“You never let me down" he spoke softly 

“I have, i know that, but im trying not to.”

He sighed not knowing what to say. She was always too hard on herself. Her worst critic never letting up on her imperfections. “ ‘M gonna go to bed” he mumbled

“K good night” she said before ending the call

The next day she walked onto the court her hands shaking getting ready to sing the national anthem. Tommy had softened his tone but his words were still harsh. She found herself panicking 30 minutes prior, hunched over with a paper bag to her mouth. The cameras flashed she brought the microphone to her mouth. She closed her eyes imagined she was at home. When the song was done people jumped to their feet cheering her on. She thanked them and rushed off court. It was one of her best performances.

“WHOO!“ Tommy cheered “THAT WAS IT! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!… You sounded so good. Thats what you do in front of the execs don’t worry about them you got this Aria!”

She smiled taking a deep breath in she wanted to leave there was no celebration for her this only meant the inevitable an album release and a music career.

“Thanks Tommy can i go home now?”

“Nah lets go party!” “I really dont want to”

“Look its for your image just one drink” he begged

“Ok” she sighed as they made their way to club she texted Harry

Aria: I think i did ok everyone is happy

Aria: Going to the club with Tommy

Aria: Text you when i get home

It was supposed to be the club but they pulled up to his house, there was a party going on

“Tommy i thought you said club” she said giving him a look

“I know but house parties are fun!”

She shook her head this was her first time in his house “I’m not”

“Please just one drink you promised”

“Fine one drink and i’m done”

An hour passed one drink turned to two and two turned to three she thought. Her head was spinning, Tommy was being too friendly, he was groping her in places he shouldn’t have. When she tried to leave his grip on her wrist tightened when she fought back he put her arm behind her making her face the crowd as he dry humped her from behind. When he dragged her to the bathroom she used the opportunity to escape.

“Come on!” he stressed in a playful tone licking her neck forcing her against the wall

“No stop”  she said weak from the concoction she was never a light weight so this was not the norm for her He hit her thigh “I said come on!” his thigh wedged between hers his tone changed he was being forceful

“Stop Tommy” she tried to fight him off

He held her hands above her with one hand while the other groped her body “You know you want this dick, Harry can’t do you like me”

“Please” she begun to cry she was too weak

Abruptly the door swung open. The man looked at Aria’s face “Yooo chill!”

“I’m not doing nothing” he said stepping away from her with his hands up

She quickly maneuvered from him he reached out for her but her arms were too quick on her way out she fell to the floor. Only managing to stand up and rush up the steps she found a room and locked herself in it. Quickly she dialed Harry’s number forgetting he wasn’t in the US, when she remembered she called her grandmother

“Aria do you know what time it is? im asleep!”

“Grandma please come get me” she sobbed on the phone

“Whats wrong?” she sensed the urgency

“He almost raped me i dont know whats wrong with me”

“You stay there i’m calling the cops”

“NO! please”

“Where are you?”

“Tommy’s house on 3rd bellavue house with all the cars”

“Stay where you are I’m coming!”

It felt like eternity waiting for her grandmother. She was finding herself waking up from an unconscious ous state every 5 minutes. She was fighting to stay awake. Her phone rang 4 times before she awoke

“Hello? Hello? Aria!?”

“….Grandma?”

“Where are you? You tell me now or i’m coming in with my shot gun!”

“I’m coming don’t” she said weak

Slowly she stood up her legs felt like jello, she opened the door and walked to the staircase  held onto the railing with a death grip the party was dying down. She saw him at the corner of her eye he was mingling slowly she walked down the steps trying her best to  not draw any attention to herself.  When she got to the bottom of the stairwell. The door seemed so far away there were so many people in the way she tried to quickly move around them

“Aria? Is that you?” she heard his voice

“ARIA! I’m calling you!” fear took over she was pushing people out of the way, when she reached the door she opened it and collapsed her grandmother already standing outside her car ran towards her

“Aria” he spoke in her ear as pulled her up. She winced away

“YOU GET AWAY FROM HER!” her grandmother threatened

“I’m just trying to help her out”

“YOU TOUCH HER I’LL BLOW YOUR WHOLE FACE OFF!”

His temper rose “CALM THE FUCK DOWN OLD BITCH!” “I GOT YOUR BITCH TOUCH HER AGAIN AND YOU WON’T HAVE A DICK” She whimpered standing up

“Aria are you ok?” she spoke to her helping her up

She limped to the car her ankle sprained

When they got to the house it took her grandmother 10 minutes to wake her up

“Oh thank God! Aria what did you drink?”

“I don’t know” she said turning her head away from her

“Let’s get you in the house”

She slumped on the couch her grandmother close by the whole night.

The next morning she woke up with a splitting migraine confused about what happened

She groaned her memory was hazy, she remembered drinking a blue motorcycle and Tommy being aggressive she remembered him walking her to the bathroom his smile on his face his eyes telling her something else

“Oh mi nieta you’re awake!”

Her voice raspy “Grandma what happened?”

“Thomas tried to rape you!”

She thought “No… what?”

“Aria you called me you couldn’t even stand! you need to call the cops i think you were drugged”

“He what?” she sat up needing to piece things together

She picked up her phone there were texts from Tommy

Tommy: i hope you had fun i had too much to drink

Tommy: im sorry about what i did I love you😗 Aria i would never hurt you i was just fucked up Tommy: shit you were too,

Tommy: grinding on me i miss read the signals, you know that right? You know how i get when im fucked up

Tommy: tell your g ma to chill i was fucked up too shit you were too

Tommy: call me when you get this

Miranda: 😁😀YAY bestfriend you did good!

Her mind tried to remember what happened but it couldn’t dnt her wrist was bruised, she rubbed it to sooth the pain.

“Aria you need to call the cops!”

She shook her head “I don’t”

“Well freshen up clear your head”

“How’d i get home?” she looked around

“I came to get you! that rapist was trying to pull you back in”

She stood up and fell to the ground

“Ahh!”  She grimaced  grabbing her swollen ankle

“I think you sprained it” her grandmother picked up her foot “here put it up let me get some ice”

In the bathroom she undressed she noticed bruises on her neck, her thighs and knees when the skirt fell she covered herself with her hands, she had no underwear, she could not remember what happened to it. In shower she tried the best she could to remember she couldn’t. But she also knew something wasn’t right. she scrubbed hard feeling dirty. She felt a sick feeling from the pit of her stomach she hunched over unable to stop it. She vomited.  

In her sleep it came to her in a flash

She saw herself drinking her drink.That nauseous feeling intensified

“I gotta go I don’t feel good.” she steadied herself by holding his shoulders

“No stay” he rubbed her sides

She shook her head “I’m leaving”

“I said stay” he insisted pulling her back, her back to him he breathed on her neck. She moved her neck  away “Mmmm you have a nice ass” he said before smacking it

She shot up in cold sweats her head pounding was it true? Did he really do that?

She looked at her phone there were texts from Harry. He sent her a screenshot from the tabloid the caption “Looks like you and Thomas had fun, you did great! I watched it! what a way to celebrate😂😋” the picture her hair on her face with one arm behind it looked like they were in the middle of a dance. Her wrist ached as if it had a memory of the pain that was inflicted upon it. Harry was oblivious to the dark truth. feeling nauseous she jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Rising slowly she cried looking at herself in the mirror.She blamed herself she should have known better. She should have been more careful.

Picking up her phone there was another message from Harry

Miranda: Bitch call me you look lit😂😜

Miranda: Umm that picture doesnt look right call me 🙁😕😞

Harry: call me when you wake up pet I miss your voice😗.

She snatched her laptop from the floor quickly she searched flights to Manchester leaving the next day. She was willing to pay any price once she got the confirmation email she hopped off the bed and three clothes into her suitcase

Her grandmother walked into her room “Where you going you can’t leave!”

“Manchester”

“Are you going to tell him

“I can’t even remember what happened! if it happened will he believe me?”

“Aria he can’t get away with what he did! now I don’t know how the music industry works but that man cant walk away from what he did to you!”

“I know mimi”

“So call the cops”

“I..” she looked to the bathroom

Her grandmother stressed her point “tell him.. Harry will know what to do…. have you talked to him?”

She shook her head

“I’m not going to let this go”

“I know”

“How’s your head?”

“Pounding”

“Well relax I will finish packing for you”

The next day she found herself in Chicago O’hare limping around she hadn’t told Harry about her plan to stop by.

Tommy: You haven’t called are you ok

Tommy: just call me or send a text to tell me your ok

She felt sick looking at the texts holding onto Mr.H she walked around till her flight departure time. When she landed at 2pm she made a beeline for his condo.

She knocked in the door she quickly wiped away her tears

“Yea yea!”  she heard his voice through the door

He stood confused for a second before his face  lit up

“Poppet! Wha’re yeh doing here?“ he asked lifting her into a tight embrace

“I missed you” she confessed

“Yeh  should have told me!”

“I just did!” she said forcing a smile

He leaned down to kiss her she could only manage a few kisses it was killing her.

“What do I owe this delightful surprise?” she shrugged walking in

“Hey” she greeted his band

“ARIAAA!”

She smiled

“Yeh should have told me really” he said pulling her down on his lap. “ ‘M flying to London tomorrow family time”

“Oh” she said looking down

“Yeh’ll come with me?”

She nodded

“Wha’ happened to your foot?” Weezer asked  

“I fell... heels”

“All that partying yeh ‘nd Thomas did” Harry commented “yeh never texted by the way”

She swallowed hard smiling at him “sorry forgot”

He raised his eyebrow

“So what are you up to today?” she asked

“Last recording session are yeh ok?” he noted her pale complexion

“Yea, just cold”

“Yea we gotta go mate” Stevie said noticing the time

“Oh shit! Yeh want to come?” he said standing up

She shook her head

“Jet lag?”

She nodded

He leaned down placing his forehead on heres “Ok well yeh kno’ where the food is. Don' eat all my bananas. I’ll be back ok?”

She forced a smile fighting the tears “yes”

“Are yeh sure you’re ok?”

She hated that he could read her like  an open book

“Yes” she said kissing him

“One more” he said biting his lip

She wrapped her arm around his neck. It took all the energy she had to put passion into the kiss

“Oi!  we gotta go.” Stevie said

As the  day turned to night she sat crying on the couch. She checked her emails wanting to tell her grandmother she was safe. Her heart dropped seeing Tommy’s name on the list she hesitated to open it. When she did it was a picture of her in the airport the title read Aria party girl rushed to Manchester to see Harry. The caption read Rumor is he called her screaming mad about the picture of her and manager Tommy G. His email: Im fucking calling you and you in UK? We got sessions you better be back by Tuesday. She felt sick to her stomach they couldn’t be more wrong. Sleep finally seeped in after hours of laying awake. Her memory flashed through her dreams

“Come on” he says grabbing her hand he had a goofy smile on his face  pulling her towards the dance floor

“No Tommy” she tries to resist

He pulled harder making her collapse into him “damn baby! I didn’t know you wanted it  like that?” he chuckled

“Stop” she pushes away from him

His hands grab her ass he is holding her in place as he rubs his nose on her neck “you gonna feel so good on my dick”

She sat up immediately tears flooded out of her eyes this couldn’t be happening she thought. She got off the couch and went to  lay in bed. A migraine already thumping through her brain she lay in bed when she heard the door open she turned on  her side pretending to be asleep.

Harry quietly took of his clothes and retreated to the bathroom. She could hear him humming behind the water. When he got in bed he cradled behind her kissing her cheek before falling asleep. As she begun to get sleepy she prayed she wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare. In  the morning her prayers were answered she softly  got out of bed and got ready. Harry woke up an hour later.

“Wha’ do yeh want for breakfast pet?”

“Nothing this is fine”

“ ‘Re yeh sure? you’ve been pushing around the cereal for 5 minutes”  she was in a daze she didn’t notice

She shook her head “it’s fine I promise” she lied

He grabbed her hand “Ok are yeh sure? cuz i’ll get yeh anything yeh want”

“I promise” she said forcing the spoon in her mouth.

When they got to his mother’s house she was greeted with love

“Aria come in we have missed yeh oh I always knew yeh two would get back together!” Anne hugged her

She smiled

“Aria!” Gemma greeted her “finally someone we like… no love”

“When are yeh goin to marry her Harry?”Anne asked

“Oh muuum” he fussed

“ ‘M just saying she took yeh back it’s a sign”  

Gemma chimed in “Yea no one wants yeh but her so yeh need to be in your knees”

“These’re strangers not my family I don’ kno’ wha’ alien planet they come from” he joked causing them to laugh

Gemma grabbed her hand dragging her away from Harry “We have to catch up that dress at the wedding to die for where did you get it?”

“Michael Castello designed it”

There was a lot of catching up to do which Aria gladly agreed to do anything to take her mind off that night

At dinner she sat once again pushing her food

“Do yeh want something else?” Harry whispered

“No!” she got scared “this is fine!” she put a mouthful in her mouth

He gave a look she was definitely being strange. She had no appetite there was a raging migraine  she was trying to calm down. After yawns went around the room after dinner every one retreated to their rooms

“Ok off it pet what’s  the problem?” He asked while they lay in bed. He was trying to find out what was wrong with her

She spoke softly “Nothing”

“No there’s something big show comin’ up?”

“No just thinking”

“About?”

She shook her head and smiled

“Yeh don’ wan’ to talk ‘bout it?”

She shook her head

“Ok” he looked down at her holding Mr.H  “You’ve been holding him awfully tight can’ yeh hold me like tha’ too?” He joked

“No you might break” she teased

“Wha’?”

“You might break” she held back her smile

“Are yeh saying I’m weak?” He asked towering her

“……..Yes”

“Yeh wanna test tha’ theory?” he asked before  kissing her deeply his kisses made her forget momentarily but when he started grabbing  her thighs and kissing her neck is when her mind refused to let it go. She froze eyes shut tight. He noticed the tension in her body he raised up to look at her

“Aria wha’s wrong?”

“Nothing”

“You’re stiff as a board look at me” she opened  her eyes “wha’s wrong?”

She sighed “I can’t…. not tonight”

He huffed “ok” he gave her sweet kisses

“Sorry”

“Don’ be luv is just sex…  I can take care of  myself” he said winking

She giggled “Perv”

“Hey only for yeh”

“I guess I should feel special”

At night her prayers were not answered. Her mind took her back to that night

She looks around people are dancing she doesn’t know where she’s going but Tommy is pulling her towards it.The bathroom door is kicked open and he pushes her inside

“Stop it Tommy” she says trying to walk passed him. He closes the door with his foot. He charges  towards her stuffing his tongue in her mouth. She pushes him away and slaps him. His hand is immediately around her neck his eyes cold and dark he pushes her against the wall. “bitch ill kill you matter of fact” his other hand loosens his belt

“please” she begs clawing at his arm he pulls out his penis, "you know you want this dick" he jams his knee into her thighs forcing them open. “shut up.” He reaches up her skirt to rip off her underwear. He pulls hard making her body jerk forward before the fabric gives way. "Harry cant do you like me" He gets closer kissing her neck she tries pushing him off he places both arms above her head holding them by the hands he reaches between her thighs she’s crying “please” she begs. He stops and looks at her he licks his hand before he palms her vagina. He moans “you wet already, just how i like it”

She shot up from her sleep in a cold sweat immediately she ran to the toilet a violent vomiting spree was to begin.

Harry groaned “Aria?” he turned to his side to confirm she wasn’t there

“Aria” he called sitting up hearing the vile noise. Slowly he got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. He knelt down beside her rubbing her back

“Something yeh ate?” he offers explanation

She nods in agreement

When she’s done her hands are shaking she can barely wash her face. She was pale as if she saw a ghost

“Wha’s wrong?” he asked noticing  her expression

She turned around with tears in her eyes if he only knew

“Shhh it was just a dream” he sooths her hugging her tight.

But it wasn’t was it? Tommy really did those things. The reality was setting in.

In the morning she continues to rub Harry’s arm unable to fall asleep she lay awake against his chest

During breakfast she checked her phone

Tommy: Where the fuck are you at

Tommy: you think it’s funny you fucking with my career

Aria: I need more time please

Miranda: so you really gonna ignore me your bff?

Mimi(grandmother): Aria have you told him

Aria: Not yet I will soon I promise

As Gemma and Aria shopped around she tried her best to act natural.

“Are yeh ok?” Gemma asked during lunch Aria even though trying her best was very distant

“Yea!” she said putting on a happy face

“Sure? yeh look pale”

She smiled “Yea lack of sun” she joked

“Tell Harry he owes you a vacation”

She smiled Gemma her biggest advocate always made Harry go out of his way for her “Only if you come too!”

“You know it!��  

As the day wound down she hopped the night would be gentle on her she couldn’t wake up from another nightmare.

“Did you see this?” Harry laughed showing her a picture of her crawling up the stairs. Who would possibly take that picture and furthermore insinuate she was going to have sex with Tommy?

She smiled

“Yeh were having fun weren’t yeh?”

She remained silent

“But ’m glad yeh ‘nd Tommy handled your differences” he said falling asleep

She melted into his chest not wanting to remember anything

The next day she Aria, Anne, and Gemma decided to clean up then treat themselves to dinner. She got multiple texts during the day. People were asking her about the picture.

Miranda: uh you need to call me NOW! i know your ass didnt fuck tommy

Miranda: you disappeared to Manchester whats up☹

Miranda: ARIA what did Tommy do to you? Why did Mimi call me crying???😭😭

Aria: i can’t talk about it Miranda, not now

Mimi: have you told him

Aria: not yet Mimi

Mimi: im not playing do it or  I will

Aria: ok ok

~With Harry~

“Whoa Harry have you seen this?” Weezer asked

“Wha’?”

“Look” he looked at the heading Tommy G accused of sexual assault 2 victims have come forward the caption: ‘Both victims claim it happened in his house we will keep you posted’

He frowned “he didn't” he paused to think  remembering the dirty glances he gave women

“I gotta find out more” Weezer said scrolling through his phone

As the day went on he couldn’t help but think about it. It gnawed at him this was her manager, someone who was close to her.

“Oh shit! Now they are saying one of the girls was assaulted the night he partied with Aria”

Harry tried to shake it off. “no he couln’ have”

Stevie rushed to him“Harry have you seen?”

“Yea” not wanting to be bothered by it

“No look!” Stevie said shoving the phone at him 

Harry looked at him before grabbing the phone he read the words ‘A witness has stepped forward caught him in the act.’ As he read the details his heart rate picked up ‘…. walked in  on him with his female artist.’ Tommy only managed Aria and another female artist who was absent that night

“Have yeh talked to Aria maybe its someone else” they tried to reason

“Did she tell you anything?” Gigi asked

He looked at them “no she would tell me”

When the day ended even Gemma got notifications on social media people were tagging her on the posts. Aria’s phone was buzzing nonstop.

Miranda: Aria

Miranda: dont ignore me im your best friend,…. thunder buddies for life

Miranda: Aria

Miranda: did it happen?

“Aria wha’s this?” Gemma asked showing her the article.  Her heart sank reading the article Tommy was getting charged with sexual assault. Two victims identified one had yet to come forward.  She was the remaining piece.

She shook her head “its nothing”

“They’re saying you’re the other woman is it true?”

“Other woman for what?” Anne asked taking the phone from Gemma’s hand

As Harry rushed to his mother’s house he thought to himself those pictures that were taken, she did look uncomfortable in Tommy’s embrace. The bruised wrist she explained away seemed to be the one he was holding behind her back. She also never got that drunk in public so it was strange that she got that drunk, even when she got drunk she was never that sloppy, falling all over the place hair in her face.

As Aria tried to convince Gemma and Anne that wasn’t her her phone lit up

Miranda: Shit is hitting the fan I hope you told him

Tommy: you bitch

Mimi: hope you told him  

Aria felt her breathing hitch

“Aria this sounds like yeh!” Gemma said reading more articles

“It’s not” she whispered

Harry rushed through the kitchen door he walked in “Aria” he called

She smiled at him but stopped soon after his face was one she couldnt read ”….yes” she answered warily

“Yeh promise to tell me the truth?” it was supposed to be a statement but came out as a question

“Yes anything” she half smiled

“Wha’s wrong Harold?” his mother asked noticing his expression

He paused before speaking standing across from her. His eyes burrowing into her soul. “Wha’ happened that night at Tommy’s house?”

She looked down. Her nightmare was coming to life. It seemed forever when she heard her name being called.

“Aria” Harry called his eyes were becoming more bewildered by the second, her silence was confirming his gut instincts. She looked up at him before looking down. Pulling at her sleeves occupying her hands. She was losing the battle on holding back her tears. It wasn’t long before he called again.

“Aria… I asked yeh a question” his voice assertive he walked closer to her searching for her eyes. His breathing uneven. He needed her to tell him nothing happened. Everyone was looking at her waiting for an answer.

“ARIA!” he screamed in frustration. He startled them.

“Oi! Wha’s going on in here?” His dad asked walking in

The tears won they poured out of her eyes

“Aria tell me wha’ happened!” anger spewed in his voice

“Harold!” his mother scolded in a whisper

“Oh my god!” Gemma said in shock

The whole room came to the realization something dark happened that night. Her behavior made sense now the lack of appetite,the pale look on her face, the vomiting, the insomnia, the night mares.  

“Aria” he whispered she had yet to speak. He needed her to say it was a joke. That there was no way it happened.

She looked up at him with tears rolling down her face, her hands were shaking pulling on her sleeve  “please don’t make me go back to that night” she spoke softly

“Oh!” Anne grabbed her chest “yeh poor thing” Anne immediately rushed to her side and held her in a tight embrace.

“Harry he didn’…. did he?” Gemma looked at him hoping he could offer up a reason

He squatted down. Holding his head. There were no longer butterflies in his stomach from fear of the truth. Fear was replaced with anger which started from his chest and radiated out  “ ’M GONNA KILL HIM!” He said standing up

“Oi! Stop that!”

“Dad not right now!” He paced the floor “…. That BASTARD put his hands on yeh? im going to kill him!

“CALM DOWN HAROLD!” His father said grabbing his shoulders

Aria sobbed in the background. He should have known something was wrong. Her eyes told him something was wrong they were filled with sorrow. He pushed passed his father going outside.

“Oi! come back’ere!” His father chased after him

Gemma knelt down next to her crying and hugging her “Im so sorry Aria”

[ohmymegido]

CHROME DIED ON ME WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SO I HAD TO DO IT LIKE 2 TIMES take this you heathens [ post ]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my cat, bless his heart

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

two years ago i would have said shy but now i think im more In Between

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

@shanakin and @lizziebobizzy tomorrow !! also college friends :0

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i hope so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

yyyyyye s i guess so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

nice people who make me laugh i guess

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

i hope so, if not that means something bad happened

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my CAT i love him

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends on the person, but most of the time not really

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ffn

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“are you gonna do it“ @blueshyft

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

apparently my recent thing is Ladies with Airy Voices so here’s some of those:

Miss You by Gabrielle Aplin, Night Bus by Gabrielle Aplin, Lone Digger by Caravan Palace, Green Light by Lorde, Fine by Tayler Buono

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

you gotta be v close to me to get hair playing privileges 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

the word miracles triggers me

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i saw my cat and i pet him a lot

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yee

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

definitely

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

i threw out the bottle when i was done so no not really

19. Do you like bubble baths?

when i was a kid i really liked them !

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont know them much but they seem nice

21. What are you bad habits?

i pick my cuticles like a Motherfucker :’0 it’s really bad tbh but it was Even Worse before

22. Where would you like to travel?

japan bc im a weab

23. Do you have trust issues?

express trust to everyone but trust no one

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

laying on my bed like a bum

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my nose maybe?

26. What do you do when you wake up?

fall back asleep and have ragrets 2 hours later

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

this is a Problematic Question (and no, my skin is fine the way it is ty)

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my cat i love him

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

that implies i have an ex in the first place

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yeah, probably

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yee but it needs a trim tbh :/

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

none, i dont really want to bang any celebrities

33. Spell your name with your chin.

saragh

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

volleyball and fencing !! except not that much anymore bc college kills sports rip

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

does platonic liking count bc if not then no not really

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

AWKWARD SILENCES ARE only awkward if you Make it awkward (if you’re the kind of person who points out an awkward silence i hate you and you need to go shut the fuck up)

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

isnt this the same thing as What are you attracted to

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

do bakeries count bc i Love Bread

40. What do you want to do after high school?

college

well Whaddya know

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

..maybe

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im sleeping, busy, or im ignoring you

43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try :’0

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

if i definitely wont be harmed while im there: ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

social obligation and fear of judgement

46. What are you paranoid about?

that people are watching me ;;;

47. Have you ever been high?

i had a Weed Brownie once and it did nothing except taste bad so. no

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yes and i intend to be so again

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

i feel like this is counterintuitive bc dont i not want people to find out in the first place ??

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

im changing all these european (aka Wrong) spellings into American ones jsyk

also black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

not really

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i should probably worry less

53. Favorite makeup brand?

i like Stilla eyeliner :0

54. Favorite store?

hummm maybe Muji, it’s a nice place to kill time

55. Favorite blog?

MINE jk i gotta boost BNF @anonymousalchemist her blog is (y)

56. Favorite color?

Red or Green

57. Favorite food? 

recently it’s been Eggs

58. Last thing you ate?

ok chrome has crashed on me like 5 times since i tried to answer this specific question i think it’s cursed

also this chinese egg pancake thing

59. First thing you ate this morning?

the chinese egg pancake thing mentioned before

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

maybe, idk ive lived a long life

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nop

62. Been arrested? For what?

lol no

63. Ever been in love? 

i Guess So

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

it’s not very exciting you should read @anonymousalchemist‘s though it’s really good

65. Are you hungry right now?

yes :(( 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

they’re mostly the Same so i guess the answer is no

67. Facebook or Twitter?

FB

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

FFN gang ;0 plus some others but no irl names for now

71. Craving something? What?

im still in wisdom teeth recovery so it would be nice to be able to eat food without getting everything Stuck in my stitches :/

72. What color are your towels?

white and beige

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one, but there’s 3 total on my bed

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes ! a small stuffed cat i’ve had since 3rd grade and a little wolf

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

in total ? too many

75. Favorite animal?

cats i guess

76. What color is your underwear?

black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Brownie a la Mode, or anything along those lines

79. What color shirt are you wearing?

Red and black!

80. What color pants?

black shorts

81. Favorite tv show?

what’s a tv

82. Favorite movie?

Princess Bride

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

ok i finally watched mean girls for the first time this year and it was like. ok i guess. i havent watched the second so i guess Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls bc i have not watched 21JS

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls?

no one god why does everyone have such an obsession over this movie

86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?

the ray who teaches the school

87. First person you talked to today?

my dad

88. Last person you talked to today?

my mom

89. Name a person you hate?

no one

90. Name a person you love?

MY CAT

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

no not really

92. In a fight with someone?

nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 1 for exercising maybe (i used to own like 6 when i was in middle school and wore them every day)

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Too Many (see: my entire wardrobe)

95. Last movie you watched?

Lego Batman!

96. Favorite actress?

dont have one

97. Favorite actor?

nope

98. Do you tan a lot?

i tan easily i guess but ive never stepped foot in a tanning salon in my life

99. Have any pets?

CAT plus some fish

100. How are you feeling?

pretty alright

101. Do you type fast?

pretty fast

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

103. Can you spell well?

W - E - L - L

this is easy next question

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah, a bit i guess

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

yyyes ? no. maybe. what’s the definition of a bonfire party?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

if i have, then they didnt tell me

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah, a few times

108. What should you be doing?

GETTING ready to go to a family friend party but instead im here on tumbl dot com answering a 150 long ask meme

109. Is something irritating you right now?

my glasses are a little smudged

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

i think so yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

please see #23

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

does my cat count

113. What was your childhood nickname?

I NEVER HAD ONE sarah honestly has No Nickname Abilities i never got a nickname until i was like a junior in highschool and people called me swang on the fencing team. that was nice i was so happy tbh pls call me swang

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yee

115. Do you play the Wii?

yes but not as much as when i was younger. im ready for our switch overlords to take over though

116. Are you listening to music right now?

nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

it’s ok, a good staple

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes definitely

119. Favorite book?

i dont really have one...

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

im afraid of the unknown and when it’s dark everything becomes unknown

121. Are you mean?

sometimes, but i try not to be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

first instinct: no

but i guess there’s Always Exceptions blah blah blah

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

god no, i dont even buy white shirts bc i dont think they’ll stay clean

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

i believe in immediate attraction and then being lucky that your personalities are also compatible

125. Do you believe in true love?

relationships are built on the foundations of trust, respect, and care for each other

126. Are you currently bored?

a little but this is keeping me busy

127. What makes you happy?

nice looking things

128. Would you change your name?

i dont think so

129. What your zodiac sign?

Capricorn

130. Do you like subway?

honestly everyone shits on subway so much... im sorry....... i like subway.....

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

there’s too many unknown parameters in this for me to give a concrete answer

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

this is literally the same question as the one 122 questions ago

133. Favorite lyrics right now?

too hard to think of a specific one

134. Can you count to one million?

In Theory I Guess I Could

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“i went to bed at 1am last night”

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

OPEN bc my cat needs to be able to get in

137. How tall are you?

5′ 8″, give or take 

138. Curly or Straight hair?

does frizzy wave count

139. Brunette or Blonde?

neither

140. Summer or Winter?

both ??

141. Night or Day?

night i guess

142. Favorite month?

January ;0

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope but if i had to i could

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea, coffee is icky

146. Was today a good day?

i barely did anything but yeah i guess so

147. Mars or Snickers?

neither, but i guess Snickers bc i dont know what’s in a Mars Bar

148. What’s your favorite quote?

“same” - me, constantly

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

i think they’re there but they either cant really do much or they cant be bothered messing with us

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)

An abridged dictionary is one that has been shortened to keep it from crushing desks and people’s laps.

tanks princeton review Word SMART 5th edition

WOW OK IM DONE THANKS FOR READING GOODBYE

if you love reading ask hells go check out @anonymousalchemist and @shanakin‘s responses as well

[taegijae-blog]

BREAKFAST DELIVERY 10

pairing: 2jae

genre: fluff, if you squint there’s angst

word count: 3k

description: the school’s hottest boy im jaebum wants to get a certain boy’s number.  but the first problem is: he’s unhappy and not eating.

status: completed

note: this was originally posted on wakaba’s wattpad @/jaeholics

| part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |

Thank God the day following that event was a Saturday, otherwise he'd have to shamefully face the two hearts he managed to break in one day.

Jaebum rolled around in his bed, hugging on the blankets, mumbling incoherently to himself. He felt like absolute garbage. Seeing that his alarm clock read 10:37, he slumped out of bed and dragged himself down to the bathroom. The house was empty as usual, meaning he could totally throw a party that night. If, you know, he didn't feel like dying. As he squirted some toothpaste onto his toothbrush and madly scrubbed his pearly whites, he groaned as he stared at himself in the mirror. He knew he was a good looking guy whose looks would attract mostly every gal or guy. After rinsing out his mouth, he smacked some water across the mirror and blurred the reflection of his sad-looking self. For once, he wished he was ugly. Jaebum tiredly zombie-walked his way over to the kitchen, checking the fridge for any food that possibly could've been left for him. Seeing that it was empty except for some eggs and milk, he already knew that his plans would be to go out for both lunch and dinner. Opening a cupboard, he grabbed a box of fruity cereal and dumped it into a ceramic bowl, pouring milk in after doing so. His dear cat, Nora, crawled up to his feet and rubbed herself against the skin lovingly. "At least you're here," he muttered under his breath, slurping some milk from his bowl as he made his way to the couch. He turned on the television and stared dully at the skin, allowing his pet to crawl onto his lap and rest there. Realizing that he hadn't checked his phone in a while, Jaebum reached for it since it was laying on the coffee table. He turned it on, only to be met with over a hundred missed text messages. annoyed, he unlocked his phone and saw that a particular someone added him to a chat group overnight after he fell asleep, which was the main cause of the overload of messages. He squinted at his screen while he scrolled through the messages. It took him a while to realize that those numbers were familiar to him: Jackson Wang, Park Jinyoung, and Choi Youngjae. The last message was sent a few hours ago, so he didn't bother sending anything to indicate that he read the chat. He put down his bowl of breakfast and became invested into the conversation they were having, feeling more and more uneasy. Nora jumped onto the table and quietly drank some of the milk as Jaebum's foot tapped in anxiousness. wango, 2 others [jype]: i'm muting this chat btw [wango]: bro I just want u to listen to my proposal [c.youngjae]: why do you even have my number?? [wango]: thats not important just listen rn [wango]: so jb hyung's like super depressed aight? [wango]: I HOPE HES READING THIS BTW WINK WINK [jype]: winking in text doesn't do anything [wango]: anyway [wango]: i want all three of you to meet up [wango]: and work this out together [wango]: i'm not going to interfere bc this is a u guys issue!! [wango]: u gotta fix it urselves arasso?? [c.youngjae]: ...how tho [wango]: there's a nice place in town [wango]: it's called Cafe A [wango]: all of three meet up there by 3 and talk it out!! [wango]: idc if you're busy or not [wango]: (unless ur planning to meet ur family bc then please go ahead and do that first family is first priority) [wango]: ARASSO?? [jype]: our 'talk' isnt going to last long, you know. [jype]: theres not much I can say

[jype]: it's always been a one sided thing anyway [jype]: i know he likes youngjae way more than he likes me [jype]: and i'm okay with that. [jype]: i just don't want to be thrown away because of that 'love' he has for him. [jype]: you reading this, youngjae? [c.youngjae]: yes, hyung... [jype]: good. [jype]: i don't hate you or anything. it's not like that.

[jype]: it's true that ive liked him since middle school [jype]: but I always knew that it'd ended up being like this [jype]: and how he isn't the kind of person to fall for his best friend [jype]: so I prepared myself for when this sort of thing happens   [jype]: it won't bother me, youngjae. go ahead and date him. [c.youngjae]: hyung, i [c.youngjae]: ...you have to understand that i don't really like him at the moment [c.youngjae]: i'm not sure if i'd agree to that [jype]: that's a shame [jype]: because a really great guy has a huge crush on you [jype]: and it's a waste for you to be ignorant about that. [wango]: ... [wango]: hoh my god  [wango]: i'm a rly good problem fixer

[wango]: jinyoung? 

[wango]: u still there?

[wango]: i guess not 

[jype]: i have plans for today. i'm not going to that cafe. [wango]: oh [wango]: well I guess it's fine now since u guys talked it out!! yeah!!! [wango]: youngjae, don't be discouraged! [wango]: both jaebum-hyung and jinyoung r amazing people [wango]: even tho they seem rly scary and act cold [wango]: its just their way of caring [wango]: ive known them for a long time [wango]: theyre literally the best friends ive ever had [wango]: jinyoung is a rly wise person, there's always a good reason to whatever he does [wango]: jaebum-hyung has sides to him that r like a dad or big brother that u can rely on [wango]: ... [wango]: youngjae??? [c.youngjae]: yeah [c.youngjae]: i'm listening [c.youngjae]: thank you, hyung [wango]: no problem man

[wango]: now go get that dick [c.youngjae]: ???? [wango]: jk jk lol [wango]: r u going to meet up w Jaebum-hyung at the cafe? it's a rly nice place I swear [c.youngjae]: maybe [c.youngjae]: i haven't heard what he says tho... [wango]: aw true [wango]: let me spam him brb [c.youngjae]: wait don't spam him;; what if he's just asleep?

[wango]: 

ugh ur too nice

[wango]:

fine I won't

[wango]:

i'll go spam markiepooh instead♥️♥️

[c.youngjae]:

...right

[c.youngjae]: the other number in this chat is Jaebum-hyung, right?

[wango]: yep!! slide into his dms boy

[c.youngjae]: ;;

Jaebum instantly realized the doom he was about to face.

"No, no, no, no, no!" He literally screamed at his phone, trying to do everything to prevent Youngjae from knowing.

It was probably too late.

[c.youngjae]: ?

[c.youngjae]: wait

[c.youngjae]: but

[c.youngjae]: ;;

[c.youngjae]: isnt that defsoul-hyung's number...

[c.youngjae]: ...it is

[c.youngjae]: hyung.

[c.youngjae]: ... [jaybee]: are you mad at me? [c.youngjae]: no

[c.youngjae]:  even though I did just find out you were double tricking me

[jaybee]: i never meant to make fun of you or anything

[jaybee]: about that party

[jaybee]: i knew bambam only as 'def soul'

[jaybee]: i'm sure you can also tell that he doesn't like me bc im known as that rude, popular shit called im jaebum

[jaybee]: and rapmon told me to come anyway

[jaybee]: btw his real name is namjams

[c.youngjae]: what's your point

[jaybee]: i want to have a second chance

[jaybee]: i know ive been a horrible person, hiding behind two identities just so I could talk to you

[jaybee]: please

[jaybee]: i only ever wanted to cheer you up

[c.youngjae]: ...

[c.youngjae]: i feel stupid for sending you all those messages

[c.youngjae]: no wonder you knew where I was and that I didn't have an umbrella

[c.youngjae]: i feel like you've played me and you probably did 

[c.youngjae]: but the def soul hyung I know is a caring person

[c.youngjae]: and if youre him

[c.youngjae]: then I can hope that your kindness is just as genuine

[c.youngjae]: because I think it's impossible to fake kindness like that

[c.youngjae]: let's meet up at three and talk

[jaybee]: i'll be there

[jaybee]: i won't be late.

Read at 11:07 AM ✓

His phone read 2:57 by the time he spotted Jaebum. He was standing right outside the promised cafe, scrolling through his own phone with his legs crossed. It surprised Youngjae to see that he was wearing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and an oversized sweater, contrary to his usual attire of trendy clothes that showed off his nice build. He looked pretty hot, to be honest. Youngjae shook that thought out of his mind and approached Jaebum, acting as though he wasn't just staring at him a minute prior. "It isn't 3 yet," Youngjae said quietly, stuffing his hands into his hoodie. "I've been here for ten minutes. I just didn't want to be late," Jaebum replied with a tiny grin as if he wanted the younger's approval. Youngjae scoffed and went ahead into the building, ruining the other's plans of opening the door for him. They went up to the counter, both of them staring at the menu in a similar way. Both of their eyes twitched, cursing at Jackson mentally. "I'm glad Jinyoung decided not to come," Jaebum whispered to the other, faking a smile for the person behind the cash register. "Welcome to Cafe A, one of the first couples' cafe in this town," she smiled enthusiastically, probably a bit overwhelmed on the inside because she had two male customers coming together in her hands. Youngjae hid his face into a hand in embarrassment, and Jaebum wanted to die on the spot. "Would you like to order our monthly special 'love potions?'" she asked, pointing to the piece of paper on the counter. "No," Youngjae and Jaebum said simultaneously. Flustered because of how rude that sounded, Jaebum laughed sheepishly and shook his head. "I'll just have an iced Americano. And, Youngjae..." Youngjae squinted at the menu above them, saying, "I'll have some water." Jaebum's face abruptly switched to one of shock, nudging the younger gently with his elbow. 'Eat,' he mouthed. Youngjae grumbled, feeling like he was just scolded by his mother. "Nevermind. I'll have a melon smoothie." "Alright. that will be ₩6,500." His hand reached into his pocket to grab his wallet, but the taller Jaebum stopped him before he could go any further. Instead, he took out his own wallet and paid using a card. Youngjae squinted his eyes at the other. I bet he just wanted to show off. Stupid seniors. "Thank you. Please come to pick up your order once this starts to buzz," she said while handing over the circular device to Youngjae, who almost dropped it.To the surprise of both, she leaned forward and gestured for them to come closer. "The third floor is popular with... couples like you two," she whispered with a grin. Both boys shook their heads, trying to insist that they weren't that sort of couple. She didn't listen, only grinning happily. 'You guys are so cute!' she mouthed while making a thumbs up, leaving the two speechless as they searched for a table. "Maybe we should go to the third floor," Youngjae was heard mumbling. "But we're not a couple, unfortunately," Jaebum remarked, putting emphasis on the last word to express that he really did think it was unfortunate. "I mean, I'd be more than happy if we were, but-" "The people here are staring at us." Youngjae gestured with a subtle tilt of his chin, completely ignoring what the other had to say. It was true, though; quite a few of the other couples enjoying their food seemed to be whispering at the two. Jaebum scoffed and marched towards the staircase, Youngjae following quickly to avoid any more odd gazed from anyone there. As promised by the girl at the cash register, the third floor was filled with... ...gay. Youngjae's eyes couldn't ignore the variety(?) of couples that were there, enjoying their time together. At one table in the corner, there was someone resembling a llama sitting across from someone who appeared like a girl. He couldn't tell, that person just had long hair. At the opposite side of the room, he spotted a couple that consisted of someone narrow-eyed with bright mint hair, nodding at his partner, who had a radiant smile, while he ranted. At another table they passed by were two people who didn't stand out in particular except that they seemed to be speaking completely in Chinese. Beside their table were two rather young looking guys, the foreign-looking one teaching his partner how to say simple words in English. "I don't think there are any open tables, hyung..." Youngjae remarked with a pout after searching around the room. Jaebum nodded, thinking that they might end up having to sit outside or something. Just then, someone tapped his arm. he turned around to see two rather tall guys sitting at the table nearby, one of them looking highly emo. "Are you looking for a table? Ae can just move our stuff, there's space for you guys," the person who tapped his arm offered, his canine teeth showing as he smiled. "Oh, sure. Thank you." Once the other guys moved their belongings, Youngjae took the seat that was on the cushiony couch and Jaebum sat on the chair. "Are you guys from JYP high?" the person asked, sipping on his ice coffee. Jaebum nodded, leaning back while putting an arm over the chair in an assertive way. "We're from Pledis," he replied, making Jaebum go “Ooh.” No wonder they were wearing nice clothes and looked as though they had their hair done professionally. Although Pledis was a small school, it was a costly place to attend and its students sure did prove that. "God, I would've screamed if you guys were from SM." Almost everyone in the room quieted down when hearing that name as though it was a taboo. SM's school had the roughest teachers and classes by far, and its roughness most likely rubbed off on its students. The device Youngjae held flashed red lights out of nowhere and started buzzing, startling him. Jaebum took it from his hand and headed downstairs in order to grab their drinks. Once he was gone, the high-key emo person who hadn't said a thing leaned over to Youngjae. "Your boyfriend's hot," he said quietly. Youngjae's face flashed a bright pink. "He's not my boyfriend! I'm not dating him," he argued and pouted again. "Really? I think he likes you from the way he looks at you, though," the person sitting across said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. "What's his name?" "Im Jaebum." Someone dropped their fork in the distance as the person almost choked on his straw. "That's... him? He's Im Jaebum?" he asked, clearly as confused as Youngjae was. someone a few tables next to them whispered, “Holy shit, that was Im Jaebum?” "Yes?" Youngjae tilted his head, not understanding what all the fuss was about. "Goodness," he sighed while shaking his head. "He's a literal legend at Pledis." Youngjae's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean by that?" "How do you, his boyfriend, not know about this?" he fanned himself with his hand, accidentally hitting himself in the face. Embarrassed, he cleared his throat. "Anyway, the Pledis legend. Im Jaebum. He used to go to Pledis for his freshman year, I think. But somehow, he ended up becoming the school's first ever student to be full on expelled." Youngjae's mouth dropped when hearing this. He wasn't even sure if his best friends Jinyoung or Jackson knew about this. "One of the biggest idol companies—you know, the ones with idol groups and all that—scouted him during his freshman year, right on our campus. The story about that flew all over school and he became a living legend. Everyone wanted to his friend." "How come you didn't recognize him earlier if he's that well known?" Youngjae asked in a dazed tone, not quite able to wrap his head around all the information he just absorbed. "Are you kidding me? He used to be one of the shortest guys in the class. He had mushroom hair and wore huge glasses every day." "Okay..." Youngjae peered over to the staircase to see if was Jaebum was back or not. He wanted to hear more of the details, wishing he wouldn't be back for another five minutes. "Well, why was he expelled?" "There was this group of seniors that made fun of him a lot, and I guess he was just fed up with him," he explained with a shrug, shaking around his cup. "What did he do?" "He poisoned them." That was the point where Youngjae didn't believe the story anymore. "No, that's stupid—" "He baked them a nice batch of cookies that made them vomit the next day. They told the principal on him," the boy paused in order to snap his fingers, "and just like that, he was gone." Youngjae was speechless, only his eyes blinking as the rest of his body was frozen. He was so confused, mostly because he couldn't believe that someone who seemed genuinely kind like the 'Def Soul' person he knew would do such thing. At the staircase, he could see a glimpse of Jaebum walking up with two cups in his hands. "Are you afraid that he'll do something like that again?" the person asked. "If you are, I don't think you should be. I can tell his attitude has changed a lot since freshman year, and he's probably trying to get a fresh start." Jaebum sat back down in his seat across from the still shocked Youngjae. He waved his hand in front of him, wondering if he was even alive. "Yah, Im Jaebum!" the person smacked his arm out of nowhere. “What—ah, shit," Jaebum cursed under his breath once he realized that that person currently attended pledis, the place of his unforgettable past. "I can't believe it's actually you. hey, i'm mingyu. remember me?" Jaebum's eyes widened as though he was reminded of something unpleasant, but he played it cool and sighed. "Yes, yes, I do. What do you want?" The one sitting across from mingyu tapped his watch, indicating something about time. He nodded his head and hurriedly threw on his jacket, grabbing his things. "Sorry, I would talk more but there's something I have to do." Before he left the table, he leaned down towards Jaebum's ear and whispered softly.

“Don't break that cutie's heart, okay?”

[carriefisherscokenail]

GUESS WHO HAS TO ANSWER ALL THOSE QUESTIONS TOO

eat my ass! 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?my girlfriend

2. Are you outgoing or shy?depends on the sitch 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?im seeing sierra in like 2 hours so her 4. Are you easy to get along with?i think i’m alright5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i think so6. What kind of people are you attracted to?the nice kind7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?i think so 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?colbert my dad who is drunk in hawaii right now :////9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?no all i do is make jokes abt sex im 1210. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?who even knows11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?it says i cant wait to see you either!!!!12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?ooooooooooooo1) hot knifer by peach pit2) alrighty aphrodite by peach pit 3) storms by fleetwood mac4) california dreamin’ by the mamas and the papas5) one by birdtalker 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?i luv it14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?nope not really15. What good thing happened this summer?this whole summer was really good but being in wa was probs my favorite part16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?duh17. Do you think there is life on other planets?aliens r REAL18. Do you still talk to your first crush?nope19. Do you like bubble baths?i love all baths20. Do you like your neighbors?not really, i like the people who live two doors down though21. What are you bad habits?smoking and biting my lip22. Where would you like to travel?everywhere?!?!?!23. Do you have trust issues?i think a little bit24. Favorite part of your daily routine?sleeping25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?the whole thing26. What do you do when you wake up?lay in bed, get dressed, do my makeup, have coffee, leave27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?a little darker would be nice28. Who are you most comfortable around?my best friends29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?nope

30. Do you ever want to get married?i dont know31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?yes finally32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?obama and jesus33. Spell your name with your chin.no34. Do you play sports? What sports?none sports35. Would you rather live without TV or music?ugh probably music but its tough36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?no i don’t think so

37. What do you say during awkward silences?i start screaming 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?a possum39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?i love thrift stores lol 40. What do you want to do after high school?go to university and all that jazz41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?not everyone42. If youre being extremely quiet what does it mean?im probably tired as fuck43. Do you smile at strangers?all the time44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?how abt i kill myself instead

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?my alarm clock46. What are you paranoid about?someone breaking into my house

47. Have you ever been high?yes 48. Have you ever been drunk?only 8 days a week!!!!49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?uhhhh no50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?i don’t rly wear hoodies so i don’t know51. Ever wished you were someone else?oh yes 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?i wish i was taller53. Favourite makeup brand?i don’t rly have one54. Favourite store?i like urban outfitters 55. Favourite blog?dicnysian ;)))))))))))))))56. Favourite colour?yellow!57. Favourite food? hmmmmmmm i like strawberries a lot and any sandwich with cucumbers on it58. Last thing you ate?p(ass)ta

59. First thing you ate this morning?p(ass)ta60. Ever won a competition? For what?uhhhhhhhhhh i don’t think ive ever won anything61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?LMAO I GOT SUSPENDED FOR VAPING IN A TRUCK ON CAMPUS 62. Been arrested? For what?no63. Ever been in love? yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?i don’t remember it lol65. Are you hungry right now?mmmmmm yes

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?ive only got like one tumblr friend left (@ emma)67. Facebook or Twitter?facebook68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?nope70. Names of your bestfriends? squidni and colbert71. Craving something? What?im hongry but idk what for72. What colour are your towels?uhhh all sorts72. How many pillows do you sleep with?a billion73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?nope74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?like i have 1 left i think75. Favourite animal?pups76. What colour is your underwear?black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla with sprinkles78. Favourite ice cream flavour?vanilla with sprinkles79. What colour shirt are you wearing?purple

80. What colour pants?blue

81. Favourite tv show?ahs is a hell but i also really love parks and rec and grace and frankie is getting up there

82. Favourite movie?but im a cheerleader is my fave but i tonya was RLY good83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?what kind of animal likes mean girls 2 more than mean girls 184. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?mean gorls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?uh idk the mean girl86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?nemo

87. First person you talked to today?squidni or sierra i can’t remmeber88. Last person you talked to today?uh squidni89. Name a person you hate?BROOKLYN LMAO90. Name a person you love?squidni 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?BROOKLYN LMAOOOO92. In a fight with someone?no93. How many sweatpants do you have?like 394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?like 3

95. Last movie you watched?i tonya!96. Favourite actress?sarah paulson duh97. Favourite actor?i love miles teller98. Do you tan a lot?no never99. Have any pets?two doggios100. How are you feeling?alright101. Do you type fast?ish102. Do you regret anything from your past?like everything i am literally filled with regret103. Can you spell well?i think so104. Do you miss anyone from your past?sure i do105. Ever been to a bonfire party?i think so? ive been to parties with a fire idk if that counts106. Ever broken someone’s heart?who knows 107. Have you ever been on a horse?yes i used to take horseback riding lessons108. What should you be doing?cleaning109. Is something irritating you right now?not particularly110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?oh yes111. Do you have trust issues?you already asked this112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?my math class113. What was your childhood nickname?hoo boy lets not114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?i live in a different country from the one i was born in115. Do you play the Wii?i love the wii

116. Are you listening to music right now?hell yeah!117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?love it118. Do you like Chinese food?LOVE IT119. Favourite book?fried green tomatoes probs120. Are you afraid of the dark?nope121. Are you mean?i dont think so

122. Is cheating ever okay?only on tests bby123. Can you keep white shoes clean?i cant keep black shoes clean124. Do you believe in love at first sight?no

125. Do you believe in true love?hmmm i think so

126. Are you currently bored?yeah127. What makes you happy?getting drunk with my friends128. Would you change your name?in a heartbeat129. What your zodiac sign?Libra130. Do you like subway?yes i never eat there though

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?tell that mans to snap out of it132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?you asked thiss too!133. Favourite lyrics right now?every lyric in storms by fleetwood mac134. Can you count to one million?in theory i could135. Dumbest lie you ever told?when i was little i told someone i was allergic to deers136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closed137. How tall are you?5′ 2″138. Curly or Straight hair?mines wavy i guess

139. Brunette or Blonde?im a redhead

140. Summer or Winter?summer141. Night or Day?night142. Favourite month?july

143. Are you a vegetarian?lol nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee?thats tea hunny146. Was today a good day?it was alright so far147. Mars or Snickers?snickers but only if theyre frozen148. What’s your favourite quote?i don’t kno149. Do you believe in ghosts?sort of150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? Hark! I hear the legions coming, (Hear the cries of triumph well,But, proud Caesar, dead I scorn you, Egypt, Anthony, farewell.) 

It’s from a poem in this book i stole from my dad

[lifethroughcjseyes-blog]

The Importance of Grieving Through Cjs Eyes

Grief. What a word that is. This word has the power to impact every living person. That is so interesting that no matter where you have lived, or your background every person sooner or later experiences grief. There are two ways you can deal with grief. You can either face it head on or stuff it deep down inside of you thinking, “it will never have to come out. It will forever stay stuffed in there because I will make it. It feels safer there.” I can tell you not only from my own experience with stuffing my feelings and grief down, but also from working in a counseling center, the stuffing only works for so long. Those feelings, the pain, the grief will come out, but the longer it sits waiting to come out the more ugly and harder it becomes. Let me tell you my own experience with this.

April 14th 2010. What a day! I finally turned 13! I was a real teenager, finally, I felt so incredible this day. I felt like I was finally old enough to really hang out with my sisters Caity and Courey. They were 6 and 5 years older than me so I always wanted to be with them, but they usually told me “you’re not old enough.” Well not anymore! I had a simple birthday party at my youth group at little Desert Oasis Christian Center. I had made cupcakes for everyone and I was so excited to celebrate this age. I can still remember Courey being a butthead because well she always was.

April 16th 2010. This is forever one of my favorite days. The night before my sisters and I stayed up watching movies and we all slept in Caity’s bed. We had so much fun! We all had the 16th off so we decided to drive an hour to Tonopah and surprise Courey’s boyfriend at the time and eat at this Mexican restaurant. We had so much fun. I’ve never laughed so much in my life, even still to this day. It was the most incredible day. Us girls didn’t fight we just got to hang out.

April 17th 2010. A day that forever changed my life. Courey was going to Reno this day. She was going with a few friends and the boyfriend I mentioned earlier. I don’t remember where Caity, my mom and dad were as a lot of that time is blurry to me now. But I do remember I got to hang out with Courey the entire day. We watched movies in the morning, and I helped her pack her and bags and clean her car that afternoon. Man I loved this day. It was a Saturday and I remember going to bed that night excited for church the next day. I was waiting for Courey to call once she made it to Reno. I was  waiting for her call on the house phone ( back when those were a thing lol) when she called I was going to have her help me pick out an outfit for church. I remember feeling excited for her. After many years of struggles that she walked through she was finally getting her life on track. She was going to go to BSSM with Caity in the fall. I was so happy for her. Sadly her story and her life ended that night. She was in a car accident and she passed away on impact.

She passed away around 9:30ish at night, we didn’t get the news until some time early Sunday morning probably sometime between 2-4am. I remember being startled awake by the worst most scary screaming noise I’ve ever heard coming from my living room. I didn’t know if this was a dream or if something awful was happening in my home. I peered from my bedroom to look into the living room and I saw my mom standing in the middle of the room. A man and a women on my couch, all I could see were the back of their heads. And then I saw Caity’s feet, she was curled up on the floor, crying like I’ve never heard or seen, it was like a movie. I saw my dad holding and comforting her on the floor. I was really confused. The only thing I could think to explain what was happening before my eyes was “did something happen to Caity’s boyfriend?”( her boyfriend at the time worked at a gold mine) When my mom saw me she came over to me and grabbed my hands and pulled me into the living room with all of them. I turned to see who was on the couch and I saw my dad’s cop partner and his wife. I knew this meant something really bad had to of happened. Cops only bring their wives to something like this if it’s really bad. I know this because my dad had brought my mom to peoples houses before. My stomach dropped. Oh no. This is going to be bad I thought. My mom looked into my eyes with tears in hers and says “Cierra, Courey was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” I thought this is a joke. I told my mom “ no no she’s in Reno remember.” My mom shook her head and said again “Cierra, Courey was in an accident and she didn’t make it.” The realization hit me. My sister is dead. She’s not coming home. I dropped to the floor weeping. This can’t be true. There’s no way. She was just here. She’s a good driver. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I’ve never experienced so much pain. I felt sick to my stomach. My heart hurt so much I thought I was going to die. I remember after crying for what seemed like an eternity I went into my bedroom and just sat on my bed starring at this one wall in silence trying to wrap my 13 year old brain around what was happening. The lady of the couple came into my room and asked if she could call anyone for me. I needed my best friend Courtney. The lady called Courtney’s parents and her come in my house. Courtney and I sat on my bed and just starred at each other. Not knowing what to say or how to feel. The next few days and weeks are so blurry. I don’t really remember anything, my mind was in such a fog during that time. I remember we had our front door open most of the day and the night as so many people came by to give us food, comfort, love, and flowers. So many flowers. All I wanted was to run, run as far away and as fast as I could away from this. I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore. The next few weeks we had to face so many things that brought up so much pain like her 18th birthday (which my parents, sister and I all got tattooed on for her which means yes Ive been tattooed since I was 13), her memorial, and her graduation from high school.

I honestly can’t recall the next serval months either They went by so fast but at the same time so incredibly slow. One of the worst things when someone dies is the look people give you. The “are you ok?” look. Man I hate that look. Its the saddest look people give you. It seemed no matter where I was I would get that look.

I started 8th grade fall of 2010. Caity moved to Redding to do BSSM. In matter of about four months I felt that I lost both sisters. Somewhere in those few months I came to the realization “if I have to feel this horrible pain and sadness I don’t want to feel at all.” And that’s exactly what happened. I turned off all my emotions event the happy ones. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt numb. Completely numb to every emotion, every feeling I could possibly have. I never felt happy, sad, hurt, or joy. I barely laughed let alone smile and if I did it was totally fake. I felt like a statue. I was just there. I also completely turned away from God. I was so mad at Him. I was so angry. We sing these songs about this amazing God who loves us yet my sister is dead. How in the heck does that fit together?

You see when you stuff all that pain sadness and anger it has to come out. And it did. But I would only let it out for a few minutes then I would stuff it all back down until I would explode again. Over and over I would do this. Stuff then explode stuff then explode.

After a few months of this my mom was noticing it. She tells me now that she could look into my eyes and it was like there was no one inside. She saw how closed off and numb I was. She knew there was an issue.

I started my first week of high school in 2011. I was so excited. I joined the dance team and the volleyball team. I was loving it. Within that same week I had an away volleyball game and my mom looked at my Facebook. You see having parents in tune with the Holy Spirit makes it impossible to hide anything. Not that I was even hiding it that well. She saw in my messages that I wasn’t living up to who I was. I was living a shady sneaky life that was really scary for all of us. At this time my sister Caity had gone to her second year at BSSM. My parents came to me and asked if I would like to move to Redding and go to a high school there. This would mean I would live with my sister sharing a room. I would have four other girl roommates. I would live without parents. I would move 500 miles away from everything and everyone that I knew. I was terrified but something inside me knew I had to do it. Four days later with all my clothes packed in boxes my mom drove me to Redding. In just one week I went from my parents knowing nothing about how I was doing and starting high school to living without parents and living in a real city. I had to make friends for the first time since I was in preschool. I didn’t even know how todo it. Luckily, God always has a plan for us. I instantly made friends with some girls in my grade.

It has took me about 5 years to grieve things that should’ve taken 2 years. It caused me more pain waiting then it would’ve to just face it. Grieving isn’t just being sad about the loss you experience. I didn’t just have to grieve the fact that she was gone, I had to grieve what my life would have looked like and the plans we made together. It was the same thing when my parents divorced. I had to grieve the loss of the marriage but also what life would look like, what my wedding would look like, what having kids would look like, and what every day would look like. It’s a process and process is ok. Grief looks different for everyone. Even though Caity and I lost the same person and we were both Courey’s sisters it was different for each of us. And that’s great, because we are all different. 

Slowly, the brick and metal walls that I put up to surround my heart began to fall down. It’s really hard to explain exactly how I grieved it all. But some practical things that I did were I let myself feel sad or angry or happy or hurt when those feelings came I didn’t stuff them. I would also do heart checks. So I would ask my heart “ heart how are you doing today? what are you feeling?” If I felt sad and I knew I needed to cry then I would watch a sad movie that I knew would make me cry. If I was angry I would go on a run or now I ugly journal with God. Ugly journaling is a great tool. I basically write letters to those I feel angry at and write things I wish I could say to them but can’t. Then I process after with God and give him that anger. Even if I’m mad at God I angry journal. Even if it has cussing or ugly hand writing. It’s meant to be ugly. If I’m angry with God I tell Him why I feel that or why I’m mad at that person. He doesn’t get angry with me if I’m mad at Him. He just listens and we talk it out, just like I would with any of my friends. I also saw a counselor Yvonne for counseling. I also saw Ej for Sozo. These are both amazing tools to use to help you process the pain and see where Jesus was at. 

After a year in Redding I turned back to God. I am now able to grieve with Him. What I didn’t understand before was that God wasn’t this ghost that would watch me cry and just stay away watching. He was there the entire time. When I cry and I’m in pain He is crying and grieving with me. If I’m angry He is there. 100% there. I had to let go and let Him into those hurting places. I had to say “God I can’t face this pain without you. I need you to help me.” And He does every time.

I still have a lot of questions for God. I know that God didn’t cause my sister to die. I know that He didn’t take her because she was so amazing. God isn’t like that. But I also know He didn’t stop the accident from happening. Why? I have no idea. Honestly, I had to give that question to Him and stop asking. I don’t understand why bad things happen or why there are hurricanes and tornados. I do know that the answers to those questions surpass my understanding. And Im ok with that. I am ok with not knowing everything. It’s not my job to know everything. What I do is that God is good ALL THE TIME and His love ENDURES FOREVER. That is what I know and hold to.

Grieving is a process. It hurts. No one wants to go through it but I’m telling you it’s worth it to face the pain for a short time then to stuff it down and feel nothing. You find out what you are made of in the process. That is no way to enjoy life at all. God is the best comforter. He is always there just waiting for you to come to Him with your questions and your pain. He never leaves us. No mess is too much for Him. You can even be angry at Him and yell at Him. He wont leave or turn His back on you. He will just embrace you and love on you.

Also, seeing a counselor is an extremely helpful tool. They help you look at the situations from a new perspective they are there to listen and to help you. By the way seeing a counselor doesn’t mean your crazy or broken. That’s what I always thought. I thought if I’m seeing a counselor it means I’m loosing my mind and I’m crazy. It’s actually a practical tool to help you walk through pain or help you with situations you might be facing. It’s also really nice to just have someone listen to you.