#Its 1 am and I'm supposed to be sleeping send help

[lyriane]

(2.2k words short fic, again; based on the Peak of Truth, Despair Not Bond Story)

The Sage of Truth may have descended from the Peak of Truth, but the unknown Cookie before that had to ascend. To reach and grasp the pinnacle of Truth. To witness it in its finest.

Let us rewind the time, shall we?

Back to the time before the Sage of Truth was called by that title– before he could even be called the Sage of Truth. He couldn't accept being called that without his life’s greatest accomplishment.

And to attain that, one must reach the peak.

To say nothing of the trials and hardships that comes with the ascension would be too dismissive, but like with every Truth, it has to be unknown. Otherwise there would be no point seeking it, no?

When he finally reached the last steps to the peak, there were no heavenly light gracing him nor golden bells ringing harmoniously for his greatest achievement. Nothing at all. Did that disappoint him? Admittedly so, as it's simply a natural instinct to seek validation after such a deed, but not so much.

What truly drove him though; to keep trying, to go through many ordeals, was the thrill of seeking the Truth.

Are you surprised? Oh don't be.

It's always been fascinating how such basic instincts can drive any Cookie to the point of obsession. Desire, Greed, Love, Passion, and oh so many more. After all, aren't you also driven by curiosity right now?

Now that's mentioned, there was another thing aside from thrill-seeking. There's always curiosity as well. Of the years that have gone by, fleeting time as it is, there's been a constant within the endless change.

The Cookie that stood at the top of the Truth and never came down— the Hermit of Truth, the Truthless Recluse.

He wanted to meet that Cookie so badly. To see if the rumors are true, to appease his neverending curiosity, seeking the Truth in every way and form.

To meet someone who can understand him.

Yet what greeted him was nothing, nothing waited for him at the very peak of Truth.

"Stop pretending. You know all too well that there is nothing at the Peak of Truth.”

Is this truly the Truth that he has long sought for? Nothing? Nothing at all?

Eyes of yellow and blue brimmed with sorrow, despair curled around possessively, like tight noose.

“I, too, once made the same mistake, and for that, faced despair upon the Peak... There was no Truth expecting me. No Truth to save us all. And I cursed myself hundreds, thousands of times over for my folly.”

Liar. Deceiver.

There was something– no, someone at the Peak of Truth.

Would've been unnoticeable too, if he wasn't looking thoroughly for a speck of anything. Ironic, considering the Cookie’s bright white clothes. The Cookie’s stature looked small with their back turned, their clothing seemingly oversized on them.

“Hmm? Oh! My apologies, I thought I was alone here.” The Cookie finally turned around. Long golden locks of hair cascading down. A soft angelic smile greeting him.

Perhaps it was a good thing that the white Cookie's eyes were closed or else they would've seen the way he was gaping in surprise, completely shell shocked. Though unfortunately the silence from him was too obvious.

“Um..?” The white Cookie tilted their head in confusion, yet patiently waited for his response.

This.. This is definitely not the Truthless Recluse he has heard from the rumors.

He shook his head, trying to regain his sense of self. How embarrassing of him to lose composure in front of an audience!

“I apologize, this humble scholar was simply just dazzled by your beautiful appearance, good.. sir? ” He trailed off, looking at the Cookie in front of him. He couldn't tell. He just hoped that his words weren't taken as an offense by the other.

Luckily, the Cookie merely chuckled in response, even taking the compliment in stride. “Sir is fine, do not fret.”

“Though I must apologize again for not noticing you sooner. I am currently unable to see, for the staff I use as my aide is still being fixed at the moment.” The Cookie continued to softly speak, expressing himself in movements gentle and graceful.

He nodded, then quickly stopped in embarrassment. That explains a lot. He only now arrived here though, yet he didn't clear up the misunderstanding the other had. He was too curious about this enigmatic Cookie.

“That's completely reasonable. I can not fault you for that. I must ask, what is your name? If you don't mind me asking, of course.” He asked, respectfully, keeping his hand behind his back like a gentleman.

The beautiful Cookie chuckled again, surprisingly taking his respectful yet dramatic attitude, almost in a fond way. Then he bowed, playing along. “It seems I've forgotten my manners. My name is Pure Vanilla Cookie. Yours is?”

Pure Vanilla Cookie, he mouthed, testing. He almost didn't respond immediately, a little too awestruck if he had to admit. The name felt, familiar, somehow.

His name though? “Call me the Sage of Truth.” he announced, taking off his hat and bowing in return. The name rolled off his tongue effortlessly, sounding right and true.

Then he paused, momentarily feeling confusion as well as a growing sense of uneasiness. He wasn't called that, no one called him that, and he didn't have that title— Not yet.

Huh?

“Sage of Truth? Are you feeling alright?” A gentle melodious voice called, worrying for a stranger. Pure Vanilla’s hand was raised in front of him, as if wanting to hold him steady but was unable to accurately find his position

The Sage(?) shook his head, feeling off-centered, but he didn't show it. “Ah, no worries. I'm as perfectly fine as I could be!” He wouldn't admit it. Not in front of Pure Vanilla. Not in front of an audience.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Pure Vanilla didn't take his words at face value, didn't take it as the absolute truth. That seems wrong. Why is he not following the script? He still looked worried. The Sage was about to reassure him again, to lie—

“... Do you feel its influence too?” Pure Vanilla’s words shut his mouth closed. Influence? Of what, exactly? He didn't need to ask as Pure Vanilla thankfully elaborated his words.

“Here, time and space are intertwined. The future of the past and present coexist.” Pure Vanilla spoke in a wistful tone, as if fondly recalling a memory. Weirdly enough, it did feel like that. Everything seemed like it has happened before, here, yet it hasn't passed, not yet.

The Sage could not find the usual words he would say. In fact, what should he say in the face of such concept? It's the Truth. Pure Vanilla spoke of no lies. The Sage instinctively knew, and felt it too.

That Truth revealed the core of everything. Answered the familiarity, the distortion between time and memories, the feeling of not being himself— and Pure Vanilla Cookie’s presence at the Peak of Truth.

The Sage plopped down on the ground rather ungracefully, he couldn't keep himself afloat anymore. When did he start floating again? Ah no, don't question it. He sighed rather tiredly, perhaps the whole ordeal of climbing a seemingly endless peak has finally caught up to him.

Pure Vanilla Cookie only chuckled, only becoming at ease after hearing the Sage’s sigh. He too, sat on the ground, gracefully sitting down in a seiza position. Not even a single speck of dirt staining his white robes. How envious.

“.. This is all really confusing.” The Sage of Truth finally admitted, his lips thinning in annoyance. Pure Vanilla only chuckled in response, that traitor.

The Sage’s face soured, pinpointing the unusual feeling, the feeling of betrayal(?) that he shouldn't be feeling that intensely at the very moment. He shook his head, again, trying to keep his mind back on the track.

This anomaly intrigued him, of course, but by the Witches, is it so frustratingly mind-boggling. How is he meant to keep a calm enough focus to thoroughly analyze this if it kept influencing his mind, personality, thoughts, his everything down to his very soul?

Ugh, he shuddered, it was rather invasive and violating now that he thought about it. Is this really the Truth he worked so hard to get to? Then he glanced at Pure Vanilla, who was just patiently humming to himself.

Does he feel that too? Those lapses of insanity, disorientation, and feeling so unlike yourself? Thank the Witches that his memories haven't gotten influenced yet– or maybe it already has and he just hasn't noticed? Ugh, how annoying!

Perhaps it's just the Sage of Truth feeling this way. Only him. After all, he can notice it now. The sense of distortion around Pure Vanilla Cookie, he wasn't meant to be here. He's not from this time.

“.. Do you think I'll be able to meet you?” The Sage couldn't help but ask, some of the words left unsaid. His voice was placid, void of the dramatics. He has to ask as many questions as he can before Pure Vanilla goes back, he reasoned to himself.

Pure Vanilla hummed, already knew what the words that were left unsaid. The Sage of Truth solemnly stared at the broad night sky. The stars shone brighter here, at the Peak of Truth. Nothing else was brighter than the one beside him though.

“I'm sure you will meet me again.” Pure Vanilla softly whispered in the dead of night. He looked away but the Sage of Truth listened closely like it was the Truth he has always sought for.

“You and I are meant to be together.”

"Stop teaching about the Truth."

How bold of them to demand such a thing.

Yet the Sage of Truth could not help but entertain it anyways. It's always better to hear out demands, he was interested in what kind of reasons this visitor of his had to say such words.

"Why must I?" he asked instead, probing for answers.

The guest stepped closer. The ray of light illuminated his visitor’s face, revealing the dark robes and shadows hidden within. It couldn't erase the golden locks of hair, the gold and blue eyes, and the oh so dreadfully familiar face.

The Sage of Truth could not stop himself from exclaiming delightedly, like he was greeting a beloved old friend of his.

‘Pure Vanilla Cookie, I've finally met you.’

"Aaahh, if it isn't the Truthless Recluse himself. To what do I owe such a pleasure?” is what the Sage of Truth said instead.

He continued to speak, ignoring the true words he wanted to say out loud. "It is said that the Truthless Recluse never descends from the Peak of Truth... How may this humble scholar be of service to you?"

The Recluse's eyes brimmed with sorrow, the sight caused the Sage of Truth to clench his fist tightly, restraining himself. Yet the words of the Recluse struck him more.

"Stop pretending. You know all too well that there is nothing at the Peak of Truth.”

‘Liar. Deceiver.’ rang in his head. ‘You were there.’ he didn't say. ‘Don't you remember?’ That would be pointless to ask.

What did you find when you reached the Peak of Truth? The Sage of Truth wondered as he looked at the Truthless Recluse. Did you truly find nothing? Or are you lying, like the Cookie of Deceit that you are?

Are you really the Pure Vanilla Cookie I met at the Peak of Truth?

The Sage of Truth did not ask. He knew the answer already.

He only pointed upwards and said, "Alas, the Truth is imperfect by design... and yet, one must not turn away from the light of one's own Truth.”

The visage of Pure Vanilla’s gentle smile overlapped with the Truthless Recluse’s sorrowful look. Unsightly. Imperfect, and yet the Sage of Truth could not turn away from his Truth.

And with a welcoming gesture, he added, "Not unlike yourself whose Truth is to protect others from anguish.”

You are still the same.

Yesterday's visitor was long gone. The Sage of Truth stared upwards, reminiscing that time at the Peak of Truth. It was so long ago.. He could still remember it clearly though. Further drove him to spread the Truth to seekers, so he could meet him, once again.

‘You already knew who I was and who'd you be, didn't you, Pure Vanilla Cookie?’

The Sage of Truth let out a sigh, it felt like it was merely yesterday when Pure Vanilla was beside him, chuckling so tenderly. Yet the perfect image he had of Pure Vanilla was stained by the Truthless Recluse, like ink dipped into clear waters.

Idly, he traced his fingers on his Souljam and remembered the same shape on Pure Vanilla, just tilted upside down and minus the slit of eye. Everything.. All the questions he had over that day.. It all clicked, when he finally met the Truthless Recluse.

Fitting, since the Truthless Recluse was who he sought to meet from the very start.

The Sage of Truth wondered, If Pure Vanilla and the Truthless Recluse are merely counterparts… Those intense feelings, the fondness that Pure Vanilla had for him..

Who was the Sage of Truth’s counterpart?

‘Was it me, who you had met at the Peak of Truth, Truthless Recluse?’

Did he want to know?

Did he dare to seek the Truth like always?

The Sage of Truth smiled. He found his Truth. “We'll meet again,” he promised.

“For you and I are bound.”

[antinitoniny]

anton as your affectionate bf: headcanons

this is so long help + it’s organized in sections 😁😁

💭 anton x fem!reader

💭 texts in pink: oc, texts in blue: anton

💭 fluff fluff fluff (and crack)

physical touch

- anton might be the humanized version of ‘physical touch.’

- hand always on ur back or around ur hips

- top of the head kisses

- fixing ur necklace or hair while you’re talking

- as long as you’re in the same room, anton can’t last a minute without physical contact.

- anton’s hand will always be on ur hip or around ur waist.

- he’s backhugging u like 30% of the day

- morning kisses. barely awake kisses.

- tracing anton’s nose while he’s sleeping (he’s actually awake so he’s giggling w his eyes closed)

- “TON I LOVE U BUT IT’S SO HOT. STOP HUGGING ME” “are we breaking up”

- waking up w his leg on you, his face nuzzled on ur neck, and his hand placed light on ur head — it’s a heavy morning.

- “can i bite you?” */stares at anton for 5mins* “is that a yes”

- imagine being against pda while dating a guy who'd tear up if you sit on the other side of the table at dinner? yea, anton.

- fav kissing spot: anton’s nose

- his fav kissing spot: */his nose bled while trying to answer the question

- you guys would last for 5hrs on the couch in silence as long as anton’s wrapped around you

down bad anton

- when he’s talking about his day but you’re rlly focused on what he’s saying so he got flustered all of a sudden “stop staring at me, you’re making me nervous” — “YOU’RE telling a story, where else am i supposed to look at?”

- suddenly smiling from ear to ear during breakfast because “1 year ago, i just thought you’re really nice to me and now i’m eating breakfast with you in our shared apartment” */insert anton giggles (and grumpy you ‘coz u js woke up & he’s talking non sense)

- smiling from ear to ear whenever he hears ur name in his group of friends. (would result to 1hr of anton yapping about how cute you were yesterday and the day before that, and two weeks ago)

- anton buying matching EVERYTHING. and giving them to you with a shy smile.

- matching rings, matching trinkets, matching bracelets, matching phone cases— told u, everything.

- “why are you hugging me all of a sudden?” “you’re the cutest i adore you so much” (you’re just eating bread)

- “hi, can we date with the intention of marrying you & having pets as many as you want”, “anton, we’ve been together for almost two years”, “oh, i thought i was being delusional”

- even on casual days, anton would send his newly made playlists for you.

- "i'm gonna take a nap" "okay, me too" "are you sleepy?" "no" "then why..?" "i wanna take a nap with you"

- anton taking care of you when you're sick. and you always feel bad. "baby, sleep somewhere elsee. you'll catch my fever" "i can't sleep without you next to me"

- "have i told you that i love you?" - anton says while eating dinner.

- anton having five story highlights with just you

- anton using a photo of the two of you as his profile photo in every social media platform.

- has two pouches of things that you MIGHT need in his everyday bag (thats why his bags r always gigantic)

- anton's really expressive. he's expressive but would get shy right after saying that he loves you.

cute stuff

- "they're cute, they're just like us" - anton w every single couple in a romance movie

- anton learning how to cook your favorite foods & baking ur fav pastries at home

- would always be on a facetime w u even in social events (he can’t function w/o seeing u)

- anton massaging u after a long week !!!

- handwritten notes :(

- anton writing post-its and sticking it on ur forehead while you’re sleeping whenever he has to leave early in the morning

- anton writing DETAILED handwritten letters for you every monthsary to tell u his favorite moments w u that month, to tell u that he’s proud of u for every single thing that u’ve done that month. he’s such a words of affirmation guy.

- anton not ordering a lot because he knows that u get full easily so he’ll get to eat ur leftovers anyway

- but anton would always make sure that you’ll eat A LOT. that’s why he’ll research a lot about the restaurant menus that you’ll eat in.

- anton brushing your hair every night

- anton letting you style his hair (once went to work w pigtails)

- reading together (and anton falling asleep on ur shoulder right after one chapter)

- SUNDAY RESET IS ANTON’S FAVORITE DAY !!! the everything shower, doing each other’s nails, cooking together, eating a homemade fancy dinner with candles, talking about your week, and ending the day with wearing couple face masks while watching a 2000s romcom movie.

- anton going with you to ur nail appointment and him sitting next to you for 2 hours.

- anton’s closet is basicslly your closet, and your closet is basically anton’s.

- you wearing anton’s clothes & anton wearing your watches and accessories in a daily basis

- gazing at each other in the midst of the crowd, exchanging warmest smiles

- anton running to you to carry you in a hug

- you mentioning that you like this specific cake ONCE in a casual conversation and anton buying it for you every night.

- “did you hear something?” “BABY STOP SCARING ME”

- when you wanna wear something revealing but you asked anton first so now he doesn’t know if he’ll be mesmerized with you or he’ll be offended that you think he won’t let you wear that

- anton waiting for you to come home til midnight because he wants to have dinner with you (it’s 12am)

- anton carrying your handbag / shoulder bag as if it’s his bag.

soft spots

- arguments w antons barely happen but when it does, it often ends almost immediately.

- anton’s always the one to apologize first. even though you’re at fault, anton makes sure to talk to you without making you feel invalidated.

- anton’s definitely a date to marry guy. which is why during deep talks, he’s always talking about the future with you.

- anton finding you crying. he won’t ask why, he’ll just hug you warmly til you feel better. once you’re feeling better, he’ll buy u guys pints of ice cream and watch your comfort movie in silence and in each other’s arms.

- imagine anton’s soft voice welcoming you home after a tiring day. "how was your day, my love?" anton asks, carrying your bag, gently pulling you to the couch so he can massage your shoulders while you spend 2 hours talking about your day.

- mornings with anton are always so warm. you're cooking your breakfast while anton's just hugging you from the back. his face buried at the side of your neck, while talking casually about your plans for that day.

[imaginesig]

"I just don't understand / how you don't miss me / in the Black Dog"

Ralf Aron x singer!reader

SMAU

After 3 years, is your relationship as dreamy as it looks?

All songs mentioned are linked at the bottom. Originally I planned this to be a Zak O'Sullivan smau, but then I figured Ralf's age fit better (I also wanted to write for him anyway so its fine) but any ideas for Zak are appreciated

f2_updates

liked by user6, user76, user9, and 823,939 others

f2_updates: beloved couple Y/n L/n and Ralf Aron were spotted in the paddock today to supports Paul Aron

tagged: no one

user1 they look so good!!

user2 Ralf might not race but they're gonna show up like he does

user3 best dressed couple

user4 my fav (unofficial) wag

user5 idk if it was planned but the monochrome black and whit fits ate

user6 right?? Like they weren't matching but it was coordinated nicely

user7 that made it cuter honestly

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aronralf posted a story!

Caption: so proud of you @/paularon_! I'm so happy I got to see your podium in Monaco in person and celebrate with you

ynln

like by zak.osullivan, paularon_, user4, and 829,293 others

ynln: little bro got a podium AND Zak won, officially the best trip to Monaco ever!! I'm so so proud Paul (and Zak, what an incredible race). I couldnt have asked for a better tour send off 🖤🤍

tagged: paularon_, zak.osullivan, aronralf

paularon_ thank you for coming!! It means the world

ynln I'd never miss if possible 🫶

zak.osullivan thank you!

ynln this was def one for the books!! But don't party to hard

aronralf stunning ❤️

ynln ❤️

user1 im choosing to take the heart colors as a sign that their outfits were pre-coordinated

user2 awww not her celebrating Zak too 😭

user3 she cheered so hard the entire time

user4 Y/n really became a grid mom for the prema (current and former) boys

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ynln posted a story!

caption: (2) pre-show date at our spot @/aronralf

aronralf posted a story!

caption: Ma armastan sind @/ynln ❤️❤️

replies

ynln

Ma armastan sind ka

thank you so much for coming!! It felt good to know you were watching ❤️

nothing is more beautiful than watching you do what you love

paularon_ posted a story

caption: you're a killer @/ynln

replies

ynln

that picture is so cute!! Please send it to me

*1 image*

you were fantastic

thank you!! It means a lot you flew out to be here

you would and have done the same for me

zak.osullivan posted a story!

caption: you're a star @/ynln!!!

dinobenganovic posted a story!

caption: 💜🤍🩵 @/ynln

olliebearman posted a story!

caption: @/lettiemng, I had a magical night with you! Thank you @/ynln

juanmanuel posted a story!

caption: great music, great night @/ynln

ynln

liked by aronralf, user54, gracieabrams, and 983,832 others

ynln: London, thank you for being an amazing opening crowd!! It is always so special to know that this entire set was a surprise and get to experience your reactions live!! Next stop, Dublin 🫶🫶

tagged: no one

aronralf ❤️💜

ynln ❤️💜

sarbinacarpenter looks amazing! I cant wait to go

gracieabrams loving the purple!!

user1 how am I supposed to be normal knowing this concert was attended by her grid family

user2 omg the confetti!!!

user3 I cannot wait for my show

user4 ugh im so upset the US leg is so far away

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Time Skip-- a couple shows later

Time skip- a few more shows

ynln

liked by user43, user53, user1, and 928,392 others

ynln: Paris what a lovely crowd you were!! This last show has made me not want to break at all, but alas I must rest up before the US leg begins 🫶🫶

tagged: no one

user1 fingers crossed this break helps her relax and let the "Begin Again" incident be a one time thing

user2 yay!! I was missing Y/n and Ralf content

user3 my show is coming!!!

user4 get your rest, it is deserved 👏👏

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ynln

liked by friend1, dinobeganovic, user5, and 983,939 others

ynln: same time next week??

tagged: friend1, friend2, friend3

user1 LYRICS?? Y/N DO YOU SLEEP??

user2 fr girlie is supposed to be on break and rest but here she is writing

friend1 same time every week??

ynln omg please

friend2 its been so great having you home!!

ynln ive missed it so much

friend3 you so owe me an uno rematch

ynln its on

user3 no Ralf?

user4 lets not assume anything, she went home and he's probably busy with racing responsibility, plus its only half way through her break im sure they'll be together soon

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f2_updates

liked by user4, user8, user43, and 823,929 others

f2_updates: Paul Aron and a mystery women have stopped by to cheer Paul Aron on!!

tagged: no one

user6 oh he brought a friend

user7 they didnt look to romantic so thats my hope

user1 ok ik we collectivy agreed not to stress about the Y/n crying situation but between that and now her not being seen here is getting to me

user2 wdym Y/m missed a Paul race?? Y/n never misses a Paul race??

user3 great results today!!

user4 always a good day when the Aron brothers are in the paddock

user5 thats my championship leader!!

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ynln

liked by friend3, user5, zak.osullivan, and 893,939 others

ynln: I have missed you guys so much I decided to gift a piece I wrote first half of my break to hold us all over until we get this show back on the road. It's a piece that I didn't expect to write but I did! "The Black Dog" will drop tonight at midnight

tagged: no one

zak.osullivan a masterpiece I know it

user1 the black dog?? like her and Ralfs special spot??

user2 she read the twitter rumors and said "let me put these to rest real quick"

user3 im so excited, no one loves a RalfY/n love song like me

user4 it'll make a great addition to my playlist

user4 I love the golden look

user5 its very summer

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ynln

liked by dinobeganovic, user54, sabrinacarpenter, and 893,939 others

ynln: I have been overwhelmed and moved by the support for "The Black Dog." The healing process has been greatly aided by your love. I decided to give into the urge to release the songs written during this tour and break in an EP. Enjoy my new EP "Golden Days" out midnight!!!

tagged: no one

user1 I fear I won't be able to take more heartbreak

user2 beautiful visuals

user3 do we think its called Golden Days because she's looking back on those days

user4 omg and despite her getting to be home and see old friends its still not as light as it appears

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ynln

liked by dinobenganovic, user43, zak.osullivan, and 829,093 others

ynln: thank you Saint Louis for a warm welcome back!! It's a new leg and a *slightly* new setlist. It was an honor to go on this emotional rollercoaster with you all and I cannot wait for Madison Square Garden 🫶🫶

tagged no one

user1 best night of my life

user2 when I tell you I screamed by head off when she added the new songs

user3 I dont know if ill survive my show

user4 what a intimate setting it was, her emotions were raw and she connected with the crowd in the high and low parts

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ynln posted a story!

caption: I've spent these past few days in New York (and a pilgrimage to see Harry's banner) just thinking about how blessed I am to get to play a sold out show at MSG!! If you asked little me, I never would have imagine id be on a completely sold out tour much less MSG!! Its a dream come true, and tonight lets rock 🫶🫶

f2_updates

liked by user1, user7, user3, and 928,929 others

f2_updates: F2 drivers have seen entering Madison Square Garden in New York alongside Ralf Aron with potential new girl. Rumors saying that plenty familar faces were going to spend a bit of their summer break to celebrate singer Y/n L/n's accomplishment now seem to be true

tagged: no one

user7 OMG GLASSES PAUL HAS BEEN SPOTTED

user1 stop this was so sweet until the very last slide

User8 fr Prema family Reunion ruined

user9 I would've been just fine with Zak, Dino, and Paul- ralf could've stayed home

user2 the way id burn his house down if I could

user3 awww the videos of Dino and Elvira dancing to the opener are adorable

user4 fr when will it be my turn

user5 the audacity to bring your new girl to your ex's show

user6 fingers crossed Y/n doesn't know (until after at least)

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ynln

liked by dinobeganovic, aronralf, taylorswift, and 923,920 others

ynln: what a night! I dont know how ill move on from finally accomplishing a childhood dream, but after some celebration im sure ill manage. Thank you to everyone in the crowd tonight, you were electric 🍾🫶

tagged no one

friend1 the cowboy hat >>>

taylorswift my imagination didnt give that mashup justice!! You were amazing

dinobeganovic best way to spend summer break

zak.osullivan officially becoming a groupie

friend2 you are a star!!

sabrinacarpenter congrats babe!!!

comments have been limited

~~

Begin Again by Taylor Swift

The Black Dog by Taylor Swift

loml by Taylor Swift

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift

Come Back... Be Here by Taylor Swift

The Great War x You're Losing Me by Taylor Swift

The Black Dog x Come Back... Be Here by Taylor Swift

[moonglide]

pokemon echoes of wisdom hours 2 & 3

-ok first i just want to say two things

-1. that mention of 'hopefully my nuzlocke experience will help' two posts ago was supposed to be a joke. Why is it accurate. This game is actually pokemon. I am seeing a moblin and saying, oh that's a fighting type, time to send out the flying type keese! I'm seeing deku babas and sending the fire candle guys because fire > grass.

-2. some people are complaining that you can't get up close and personal as zelda and I'm like. that's not a bad thing. the levels of strategy i have to employ is insane. I feel so clever. Zelda feels different to play than link does, and I think that's a good thing. I'm not playing a linkle game, I'm playing a zelda game.

spoilers below the cut, i guess. i hope i do it right.

--got the rupees for the heart piece

-went in caves and got like six different monsters. flame candle is my fave so far.

-went into the still world. the music is creepy. i hate it. 10/10.

-i was not expecting a first dungeon this early but I'm not complaining

-god these puzzles are fun.

-dark link was a fun challenge. my initial plan was to use a darknut to distract him and then set him on fire, but spamming ropes ended up working better.

-ropes are actually really useful because even though they die in one hit, they attack really quickly and you can summon a ton of them

-it's really fun to distract some strong foe with like three monsters and then take a nap to restore health

-oh also i figured out bed strats. when you first enter a bed, you gain a half heart after around three seconds, and each succesive heart takes about five. If you get out and sleep again after getting your first half heart, it goes quicker.

-ohhh i can use keese to hit the rock guy's weak point

-damn that's a lot of tris

-excuse me??? they use the echo ability to restore the land and people??? doesn't that mean that the restored people are just copies???

-hold up the corrupted people are just copies too. is there an evil tri loose?

-wait, ganon came out of the rift, which means that the ganon from before might've just been a clone, and real ganon got rifted. hmmmmm

-no, lefte, i don't want to travel together. let me ignore the plot minister lefte. please. lefte.

-ok so you can upgrade the sword with impa's brother. okay.

-oh also hold on what the fuck impa is the only one that can't see tri. I think she's been rifted, and she only helped us with the guards to gain our trust to pull a totk puppet zelda on us

-and also i got a bottle earlier and the fairies just jump into it. which means that fairies in bottles aren't being captured, they just like to be in bottles. fairies are hermit crabs. change my mind.

-got some water types and met the great fairy.

-i tried to run away from the plot. saw a sign leading to seasyde village. went there. found plot. I hate how well this game is railroading me without my realizing. i am playing checkers and nintendo is playing six-dimensional chess.

-got some shark guy, is very strong. best water type.

-oh god zora cove is MASSIVE. even bigger than lake hylia. god i hope he hydrology in this game makes more sense than in totk and botw.

-you can stack octorocks. you all need to know that.

-delivering fish. found a moblin evolution. killed it. absorbed its essence. mine.

-favorite pokemon monster: ropes are probably the most useful, but ignacio or whatever its name is is my favorite. he's just a destructive little guy

[anulithots]

Hi! *hugs*

I saw the ask game you reblogged at like 1 in the morning and I thought I would go to sleep and send you an ask for that in the morning. But I got distracted...so here I am nearly thirteen hours later and I spent and hour searching for the ask game. Anways....

If you are still doing it.

12.What emotions do you expect readers to feel?

21. Share 3 songs that would belong on a playlist for this chapter/fic.

(sry for talking so much)

HELLO HELLO! *hugs hugs*

You SPENT AN HOUR LOOKING FOR IT??? LKDFJDK You did not need to do that but I appreciate the effort nonetheless. /pos /aff

<3 <3

Thank you for the ask! I did 12 for lotff already... but that was just for Anuli's POV.... SO I CAN DO IT FOR KAMARI MUAHAHHAHAH! (I'm listening to faer playlist rn actually. <3) The Anuli ask here

12.What emotions do you expect readers to feel?

Kamari can actually describe faer emotions in words, so faer aspect of happiness chasing is less on the emotions and more on the lifestyle of happiness chasing.

Which isn't to say that I don't want Kamari's POV to be emotional... when I say less emotional than Anuli, that isn't saying much given how Anuli feels everything so strongly.

With Kamari I want to convey the feeling of hopelessness. The idea that society promised a happy ending if you 'act like this, if you do this, if you achieve these goals', and you go with it, you try your best, you do everything right, everything that they asked. You genuinely believed that in good time you would receive that happy ending they promised.

It never happens though. In the end, all they wanted was another cog for their machine.

Or in this sense, the fallen fairies system required a High Protector to rid of the fallen fairies, and Kamari would never be treated as fae should, no matter how long fae followed the fates.

And I think even more than Anuli, longing interlaces through Kamari's POV. Anuli has a... complicated relationship with faer past, but fae wants it back so much that it hurts, it throbs and stings, because its lost.

Kamari never had the happy ending fae craved, so fae imagines it, builds up a whole fantasy of what it should be, yet because fae never had it, because fae doesn't know exactly what it should be like, there's an additional sensation of anxiety, of the unknown over what it would be like, if it's as Kamari hopes it will be, if it is even possible.

It isn't. Not for Kamari. No one gets happy endings and that's intentional.

(The goal is to say that happiness chasing is such a strained and awful endeavor, and there's more to be found in... just being? Although that's what a lot of things say and I want to say it as a neurodivergent person because the idea of 'quieting your thoughts' is not likely to happen with my brain.)

So basically Kamari's a dualistic hope and hopelessness, desperation and solace. Fae has such a different vibe to Anuli in my head, and I can't exactly put my finger on what it is.

... Anuli's very poetry-eque? I even write faer like poetry with the whole 'careful construction of each sentence and metaphor', WHICH I know you're supposed to get into a flow state and keep going, but this seems to work best for faer, but not Kamari?

Kamari's the narrative one. Fae's the one where it is supposed to feel like an actual novel and such and such.

So in terms of physcial sensations of the emotions (I have no idea how to describe feelings help.) Kamari's are sharper and more defined, and therefore less mailable and more... tangible?

ANuli's are softer, stickier, they're messy and get everywhere, they can't be held and constantly overwhelm, linger even after the original feeling has passed, and cannot be controlled, they are so obscure and random and inconsistent it hurts.

21. Share 3 songs that would belong on a playlist for this chapter/fic.

Oooh okay okay. Hmmm. ijkafldsjfaksdlf. The Anuli playlist is five hours long what I am supposeddd to choooseee. Just threee?

I have a whole video that's an hour long and that's just a small part of ANuli's playlist kafjdkasd.

Okay HANDPAN MUSIC THOUGH.

I keep making soundtracks for my WIPs like I'm trying to do a film production... will I do it? It' will take too long proabably buuuut...

HANDPAN MUSIC.

I would make a lotff production just to include handpan music. Sadly there's not much of it on artlist.io (the music lisencing website I use.) but its the most satisfying instrument everrr. AND I think it would pair well with the tubla. (I do not think I spelled that right, but it's a drum thingy with a LARGE range of sound. My siblings are learning how to play it because my family wants us to be more connected to our culture and such and such. So I feel like if I include tubla in LotFF it would earn brownie points with the family as wellll... and they are already kinda hating on it? Because no one has a gender here? Soooo... ALSO THEY SOUND SO COOOOOL KDJFDSLKF)

I do not know instruments. I do not know composing. I would absolutely love this though.

... I did not answer the question.

Waisia project for sure. Remember When.(tragic dynamics all around). Ur so pretty (very Anuli). Petals on the moon (very Kamari).

(Impossible and 'Is this what love is' are also my favorites)

Thank you for the ask!

ALso you never ever need to apologize for talking too much because *gestures to this post*, *gestures to this blog*. We are one in the same.

[lilliumrorum]

Okay guys weed story time *a new tradition* (Every time I am in an interesting rotation or situation I will post it)

The first time I ever got high I was 14(DO NOT SMOKE UNDERAGE YALL) and my friend had invited me back to his house after we had been in a parade for AFJROTC.

Originally we were supposed to go back to get his money and then walk back to the restaurant (which was all the way across the city from his house). On the way there, I was still wearing my Combo-1 Uniform (cap included) and this important for later in this recount of events. After nearly being attacked by a dog, we made it to his house.

He told me about how he fucked his girl and got caught (my at the time bestfriend) on the couch and I remember looking at him like ???

We went back to his room to get his wallet and I instantly smelled bud. He noticed the lil smile on my face (I had smoked before but never got high) and he was like "You wanna smoke, bubbles?" (Btw this was my nickname bc of an inside joke in ROTC)

And this is how it went:

"Sure, but nothing's gonna happen. 'Never works"

A wicked grin spread across his face as he passed me a wax pen and uttered:

"Something will happen, follow my lead. If you don't feel it you're fuckin immortal."

So as I suck the life out of his cart he puts on Rammstein and blasts it on his fucking speakers, and he makes me hold the hit in for as long as I can before I cough. THEN HE WHIPS OUT A FUCKING PEACE PIPE WITH AN AXE ON IT.

"Now you're gonna hit this, trust me that pen aint shit"

I was already beginning to feel the effects of the wax, but I trusted him.

After taking 8 hits off of the pipe he had me take 5 dabs (Fuckin love dabs) and I was starting to get paranoid.

He just took a picture and laughed at me and said he was gonna send it to his gf (my best friend at the time) and then MADE ME HIT A FUCKING BONG.

After 15 more minutes of fucking around with his guitar and fumbling about, he took me to the garage with a joint (Mike Tyson knockout strain) and a pipe and we finished them both off.

"How's life right now, Lily?"

"Oh its goooooood." I giggled with a dumb-ass smile and a thumbs up.

He laughed for like a minute straight and I was bewildered bc like pls stop this is not funny I'm new to being high and I'm trying my best to breathe rn I'm breathing manually.

So he led me outside and whipped out his phone and was like "What does it look like"

I have the video if yall wanna see it but I looked terrible

"ITS SO FUCKING GREEN HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE GTA WHEN YOU HIT FRANKLINS BONG AND THE FISHEYE CAMERA MIXED WHAT THE FUCKKKK IM TRIPPING FUCKING TESTICLES MATE."

So anyways I ended up almost getting run over two times bc I was bumbling around and my shoes were making my feet blister and he didnt make an effort to help me. After walking for four miles we finally got to the restaurant and he ordered me a wrap and bought it for me (which was really sweet) and a smoothie, but my eyes were red as shit and I needed to go to sleep so I decided to nap on the table.

There we were, still in our uniforms, but I looked higher than NASA at this point and I eventually was asked if I was alright and caught a few stares.

I ran to the bathroom bc I almost threw up.

After 15 minutes he walks in the bathroom and drags my ass out of the stall and starts fucking hollering laughing and saying shit like HAHAHA I KNEW I COULD WIN or something like that and called himself my weed demon like ?????

He barely even smoked compared to me...

My mum's name flashed on my phone and he picked it up for me and claimed I threw up at his house and I was going home (It was close to the restaurant so I would be home soon) and she was like OKAY:D and all happy bc she thought I wasn't depressed anymore since I was with a friend I guess.

After he walked me home I immediately looked down and averted eye contact with my mom and her ex and just speed walked my ass to my room with my leftovers.

I heard a quiet "I think shes high"

And just said NO. not a yell, just fuckin

NO.

and when I woke up that night I fucked up that food and smoothie and facetimed him and his gf while devouring it.

Experience rating: 7/10

Good food, Almost got killed, almost got my ass beat by my mom, guitar, good music, Indica.

@konigslittleliebling wanna share your experience with a reblog bae?

[namelesschurch]

Weekly update:

After getting "dog'd", I seem to have gained plenty of sloth from it. I have not been able to discern my particular species of dog.

It is troubling that the World Boundary did not block that magic, but at the same time, I think it will only block that which is directly harmful. That implies the Boundary has some ability to judge - perhaps a degree of intelligence?

It is tiring to focus. Rather just sleep. Waiting for Lev to come home. Maybe she'll come back this weekend. Show her that I am the dog that I know I always was instead of the fox she always claims that I am. That'll be nice.

The thoughts are going to be a bit disordered. Focusing as a dog is difficult.

---

The "Find Mokuba" crew. Crowley and Sarandiel have updated me on the situation. She and Siege and Comet are helping. There has not been any change in the Find Mokuba crew beyond their imprisonment into Virtual Reality Capsules? Given Lev was able to send a message, it is Minor-World-like, though she hasn't sent a message after.

Part of this is due to the 1 month ban that sketchyonlooker put on her for using the Indirect Chat wrongly. Still not sure who that it is. I thought it was the name of a Blank Canvas, but that does not seem to be the case as bringing it up to Chi gently did not yield any knowledge about it. The BC's seem ignorant, though they always act like that when they don't care about something.

Stil, the fact that she still registers online as < Mistral > is promising. She'll be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just gotta have Faith.

---

penofdamocles: Mads has accompanied me on my dog escapades, but I'll talk about that later. I'll start at the beginning of the week. It seems that having the shelter in the inn has worked for his mood - everyone's mood admittedly. His healing ability is pretty impressive on the stray animals - able to heal very acute injuries without a mark, which makes sense given if I recall.. he described his ability as some sort of temporal regression?

It doesn't work on malnutrition though, but my vets aren't for show - and Mads did most of the hard work anyway. We've put most of the animals that need more TLC on a special diet to expedite their healing. Most of those that have been healed have already left. Only some of the older ones, I suppose tired of a life on the streets, have stuck around. Luckily the animals that are attracted to the Inn are sapient and intelligent enough to sense its strangeness. It won't take much to train them to do the basic things like going outside to use the bathroom, bark at intruders, and of course sheepherding.

What am I talking about?

Anyway, when Mads accompanied me on my dog escapade, we went to the arts and crafts store, and it seems he is especially sensitive to the wooden mannequins, particularly if they are visible as such. He does not seem to have trouble with those that are online or already painted? He didn't seem to have trouble with the toymaker's final design either.

He also seems to be sensitive to the wood blocks, so things that can be made into mannequins. I forgot to inquire further - nor was it a proper venue to ask anyway - given that we went for ice cream and I completely forgot about it.

--

dragmaballs (Aloisia) and plushwave (Rose): They seem to share a universe. Possibly in the same house too. They come from a world where Communism is apparently Green, there was a revolution some time ago which made the nobles ex-, and a bunch of other interesting items that I will need to further evaluate.

Aloisia is someone I've been getting along with. Can't tell if it's because we have the same sense of humor that I'm not particularly allowed to express in my reality's public or just her rambunctious nature. We're gonna be part of a gang, apparently with plushwave if she is the second.

plushwave has an incredibly dry sense of humor with a tendency towards absurdist humor. She is a toymaker who seems popular, given that companies want her work, and she seems good with both handcrafting and the equivalent of 3-D printing in her world. I learned that the stuff Mads and I got in the craft store all went to her. She's been willing to play along with jokes despite the dryness, so not sure if she's one of those with a cold exterior, warm interior or something else.

----

thunderclapd (Æthelthryth) and cazadoradeluna (Myrah): Another pair that shares a shared universe, except this one seems to be more along the lines of their universe's defending force aka Guardians. Æthelthryth is as rambunctious as they come, and from what it sounds like, a handful for their more grumpier caretaker cazadoradeluna.

Their world sounds rather fascinating with something that sounds like resurrection into their role as a Guardian. At least that's the corollary.

---

Erna and Kalim seemed to have interacted, and Kalim appears to be the proud owner of a Carbuncle, which appears to be an unkillable summon. Let us hope that stays true.

---

dill-emma: I've been following this particular account, partially because I keep seeing that account with respect to all the multiversal Gothamites that I know. It is like watching a train wreck that I can do nothing about. Recently, the girl has lost her memory, and... people have been accommodating, even if they don't necessarily like her. She isn't one of my people, so I don't feel the obligation - but she seems fairly young, doesn't she? I don't know what to do. Unfollowing would probably make me feel better, and I know she has a support system that doesn't quite like her - and an even bigger support system supporting that support system. But at the same time, it just means I'll see the other stuff related to her without getting the full picture. Maybe I'll just say hello and test the waters?

[akiitos]

Hihihiiiii

uhhh

hru :D i hope ure healthy and well (unlike me/hj)

Uhhhh anyways! If possible, could I request a Toya, Akito, Rui, and Tsukasa (separate obv) with a gn reader who literally cannot sleep with 1) something in their arms, and 2) atleast something the reader can hear (whether itd be music, a normal conversation, a tv playing, anYTHING)

Also heres two little scenarios if you have a hard time trying to figure out what to do with this request: 1) them cuddling their s/o while either singing or just talking with the reader, or maybe just a song playing or a channel going off on the tv. 2) when they get home at like 10pm they just find the reader sleeping with a squishmallow and a spotify playlist going off from their phone. Or 3) after they finish talking to someone on the phone, they go to theirs' and s/o's shared room just to find them sleeping peacefully with a squishmallow (next thing they know its because they were talking to someone on the phone)

Uhh if your requests are closed, you can just ignore this (or delete it), and if you feel as if you cant do this, feel free to once again, ignore or delete

Alright I should uhh prolly go now it's 4:20am here and I'm supposed to be awake by 6:30am (not like im gonna sleep honestly)

Alrighty, uhhh, byebhe have a nice day/night

(also im sorry if it's a lil disorganized to you)

project sekai boys x gn!reader

summary: you tend to fall asleep when you're cuddling something, and if youre listening to something!

;; hcs style

@ toya aoyagi

• you were literally SO tired but toya was over and it was insane. so you just got your favorite plush and hugged it as he left the room for a bit

• but uhhh you wanted something to be listening to aswell

• so you just got out your phone, played the shared playlist that you and him have and just shut your eyes in a soft bliss

• after a few minutes, he walked into your room and had almost no reaction-

• i mean, he was pretty suprised that you fell asleep this quick.

• he kissed your cheek and ran his cold hands against your warm body lovingly

• he tried going near you without waking you up, and probably fell asleep too tbh

• cute.

@ akito shinonome

• he knew of your habits beforehand, and didn't seem to care

• so, he wasn't suprised when you asked him to call you in the middle of the night so you can sleep

• he pretended to be annoyed, but still agreed to it anyway.

• it was like 12 am and you asked if he could talk about his day, or tell stories

• he did, and honestly...

• best experience ever. may ask again!

• if you do end up falling asleep on call with him, he'll go on mute and admire you (NOT IN A WEIRD WAY)

• he'd fall asleep after you.

• he's so ahhhhhebsnka

@ rui kamishiro

• sort of like akito, you'd mostly call/face time him if he couldn't be with you at the moment

• if he notices you cant sleep, he'll ask if you'd want to call -- if you say yes, then he'll happily obliege.

• he'll talk about anything. literally anything

• mostly about his inventions, though

• he's one of the best people to go to for this, since his voice is so relaxing. like wtf??

• if he notices you're asleep, he'll either stay on call- or hang up and send you a sweet text message.

• he doesnt mind calling you whatsoever, and actually enjoys it, since he likes having someone to rant to.

• rly helpful! 5☆ ratingg

@ tsukasa tenma

• ok. here this boy goes

• he likes buying you plushies, and everytime you sleep with them, it reminds you of him

• you like sleeping over at his house, as he likes sleeping over at your house too.

• no matter whose house, he'll be really good at talking

• he can talk about ANYTHING. when i say anything, i mean ANYTHING

• be it his sister, his life, hell- he'll even talk about you!

• when he does talk to you, he has the calm voice that soothes you to sleep

• fallen asleep already? ah, too bad, i wasnt done yet, he says as he kisses your forehead and lays down beside you

[chaoscriess]

writing prompts !

𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓! a list of my writing prompts! I originally got this list from @lovelyyy-luna but I took some out and put some in! still felt like I needed to give credit :) there are 222 here, but I'll probably be adding more. you can send in an ask stating which ones you want (minimum of 2, maximum of 5) and who you want it for :) you can also give me specifics about what you want the fic to be about :)

1. It's alright, I'm right here.

2. Why did you choose me? / You know very well why, Y/N.

3. I can do it myself!

4. I'm a monster! / no you're not.

5. Please hold me

6. I'm begging you, please don't lock yourself in your room

7. Give me one single fucking reason why I shouldn't leave.

8. That wasn't a question.

9. Don't listen to them.

10. Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.

11. I don't care what they think, to me, you are perfect.

12. You don't have to be alone.

13. This is illegal!

14. Your tutor is pretty hot.

15. Why have you been so secretive lately?

16. I think we should take a break.

17. How come you're the only one that can see me for me?

18. I just wanted to hear your voice.

19. I'm not helping you babysit.

20. Did we sleep together?

21. If you don't do it I will!

22. You're scared? Really?

23. This place is abandoned, don't worry.

24. This was a stupid idea

25. This is crazy..none of this is real!

26. You need to believe me, please!

27. Close the door.

28. It's three in the morning!

29. I should have told you a long time ago.

30. Why are you helping me?

31. You're in love with her!

32. We could get arrested for this.

33. Love is overrated.

34. Watch me.

35. I've missed this.

36. Was it all a lie?

37. This is all your fault

38. Are you happy now? Huh? Does this make you happy?

39. Maybe I'm meant to be alone.

40. Did it ever occur to you that I'm hurting too?

41. You said that you'd always be there for me. What happened?

42. I'm sorry what are you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

43. If I ever see you anywhere near her, you'll have to deal with me.

44. Is that a challenge?

45. Get behind me now!

46. Here, I have an extra weapon.

47. You scared the shit out of me, I'm never letting you go.

48. I am not jealous!

49. I think I love you.

50. Don't be silly, I want to stay up with you.

51. How about a kiss?

52. Dance with me!

53. We'd make a cute couple.

54. Do you trust me?

55. if you don't want to talk about what happened, then say so. Don't just lie and say it's fine.

56. Stop staring at me!

57. I said I don't know anything!

58. You don't think its a bit much?

59. Call me one more time and see what

happens.

60. Put some clothes on for the love of god!

61. Can you just give me a hug? Just once?

62. That was the last time. Im serious.

63. It's pitch black in here and I can still see that you're blushing.

64. Am I supposed to be scared of you?

65. I'm going to take a shower so you should probably join me. It'll save water.

66. You're just not the same anymore.

67. It's midnight, where the hell are you?

68. What the hell is your problem?

69. Why do you run away from all your problems?

70. You can't keep it all inside, you know? Bottling it up won't do you any good.

71. Hey, I know you're hurting, but you're not alone, okay?

72. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression.

73. You can't just lose your temper like this every time you get a bit upset.

74. Calm down, you're scaring me!

75. Don't look at me like that.

76. Were you ever going to tell me?

77. Sorry doesn't fix everything.

78. I've loved you since before I could read and you chose her instead.

79. You broke my heart.

80. I was alone.

81. We have to stop.

82. You left me.

83. I can't do this anymore.

84. Your hair is really soft after you wash it.

85. stop moving, I'm trying to braid your hair!

86. Would it be alright if borrowed your sweater? It smells like you.

87. If you steal the blankets Im going to put ice down your pants.

88. Here, let's share the blanket.

89. You're comfy.

90. You're my new pillow.

91. But I want to hear you sing!

92. We can talk over dinner.

93. Don't get up, I'll do it.

94. Stargazing was a good idea.

95. I'll be here to protect you.

96. It's okay, I couldn't sleep anyway.

97. I heard you talking in your sleep!

98. Your bedhead is really cute.

99. I love your hugs.

100. You fuck with them, you fuck with me.

101. I don't want to sleep alone tonight.

102. I love you, you know that right?

103. I'm coming to get you, stay there.

104. Okay so don't freak out, but I got flour everywhere.

105. Woah, I never knew you had a tattoo!

106. Stop moving.

107. Im worried about you.

108. What happened to you?

109. You can't stay in bed all day!

110. You're a terrible liar.

111. Don't act so innocent!

112. Do you believe in soulmates?

113. What if something happens to you?

114. Are you sure about this?

115. I gotta say, I'm a little surprised.

116. I'm not a child!

117. You're screwed!

118. You called me, remember?

119. Do you need to go to the hospital?

120. Sleep is for the weak!

121. I don't like the way they look at you.

122. I don't want to be friends.

123. Let's get out of here.

124. Maybe you should sit down.

125. You're burning up!

126. I've got your back.

127. Walk it off.

128. I cant sleep. help me get rid of some energy?

129. I'm going back to bed.

130. Your heart is pounding.

131. It's too early for this.

132. Get on your knees.

133. I thought you said you knew where you were going? Yeah I lied.

134. Shit you're freezing, let's get you inside.

135. What happened to us?

136. Im not letting you sleep on the floor, get up here.

137. you're the only thing in the world that matters to me.

138. Feel like another round?

139. You were great last night.

140. Wow, you look even better in daylight.

141. My clothes look better on you than they do on me!

142. I had no idea you were into that stuff, glad I found out.

143. You should play with my hair more.

144. I don't remember ever having this many hickeys but I don't mind.

145. I don't know your name, but maybe you can share it with me so I know what to scream tonight.

146. The fun doesn't have to end.

147. I think I can convince you to stay.

148. Are you even listening to me?

149. Leave. Now.

150. What more do you want?

151. I hate you.

152. Can you just shut the fuck up already?

153. What the hell is wrong with you?

154. I can't do this anymore.

155. Oh my god, I don't care!

156. That hurt, you son of a bitch!

157. Pack your shit and of my sight. Go! Get the fuck out!

158. I could break your nose if I wanted.

159. Meet me on the bridge in an hour.

160. No one needs to know.

161. No one will ever hurt you again.

162. None of that matters now.

163. Oh my god! You're in love with them!

164. Please don't cry.

165. Please don't leave.

166. Please listen to me!

167. Please say something.

168. Promise me you won't let anything happen to them.

169. Promise me you'll stay.

170. Shit, are you bleeding?

171. Shut up and kiss me.

172. Somebody's in love!

173. Sorry, I thought I was alone!

174. Stop talking about love for a minute and help me kill this bitch!

175. Tell me a secret.

176. You said you'd always be there for me, so how did this happen? why weren't you there for me?

177. it hurts to watch you kiss her.

178. We can be friends instead.

179. I tried to move on but nobody is like you.

180. Does it look like I moved on?

181. why did we even break up?

182. Can I at least buy you coffee? for old time's sake?

183. I can't take this anymore!

184. What are you talking about? you're married.

185. I feel like everyone is forgetting I exist.

186. I gave you a chance and you used it to stab me in the back.

187. I've been alone for so long.

188. But you promised!

189. I think you'll be happy to know I'm not wearing any underwear.

190. I want you. right here right now.

191. Isn't this illegal? / probably!

192. You're really drunk right now. I don't think you're gonna remember any of this. / No, im not drunk, you're just blurry!

193. I have a feeling we should kiss. / Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?

194. I love the way your hand fits in mine.

195. You can call me whenever you want. Even if you don't have a reason to.

196. why do you only call me when you're high?

197. Wait! don't pull away, not yet.

198. You look really cute in that sweater!

199. No I like it! I just can't believe you're actually wearing my clothes.

200. just call me yours already!

201. why dont you ever kiss me?

202. The first tome I saw you, I couldn't get over how beautiful you were.

203. Are you fucking her?

204. Can you hold my hand?

205. You can't leave without letting me hug you first!

206. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

207. You're more red than a tomato!

208. Your lips are really warm.

209. A few months ago I thought I was in love with you. Now, I know I was wrong.

210. My friends get so annoyed by how much I talk about you sometimes.

211. Wanna, like, I mean if you're not busy, we should get lunch! Or even just coffee if you don't have a lot of time.

212. Your hair is so soft!

213. It's too cold! come back!

214. you can sit in my lap until I'm done working.

215. I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified.

216. I'm not going to leave you. You're never going to have to suffer by yourself again, I promise.

217. If I could, I would kiss away all your scars.

218. I think I might be falling in love with you.

219. Your lips are soft. I could kiss them all day.

220. Ugh, you're so warm!

221. Dont run away from me, Bitch!

222. Please talk to me about this.

[howl-fantasies]

A/N - That's clearly what I'd do. I'm a simple woman. Something scares me, I burn it to the ground. 🙆🏻‍♀️

------- 1 New Message --------

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

Y/N! Answer your phone! I need immediate assistance!

Y/N

For what?

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

I think there's something in my mansion!

Y/N

Call Victor then, he's your hitman. I'm busy.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

NO! He wouldn't understand! THERE. IS. SOMETHING. IN. MY. MANSION.

Y/N

Why wouldn't he understand?

Vic is pretty binary when it comes to that: walk into the boss house -> die.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

I KNOW THAT STUPID WOMAN! But it's not a person who is breaking in! Well, not a consistent person at least.

Y/N

Oswald... How did Ed put this?

...

GHOSTS AREN'T REAL!

...

Take your pills and go to sleep.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

I KNOW WHAT I'VE SEEN Y/N

Y/N

Oh. And what did you saw? Your dad in a night robe, with a candle telling you nonsense again? Must be Ed in that case.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

Pretty low even from you harlot!

...

NO! I saw a white mist going through the walls, it's so cold my teeth are shaking and I have a feeling of oppression.

Y/N

Must be because of your paranoia dude.

...

What am I supposed to do then? Put my nicest priest robe, grab a cross and holy water and swing it in the air yelling "NOW GET OUT SPIRIT! THIS IS MY COMMAND!"

...

Stop watching films Oswald.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

Screw you woman! You'll probably burn if you touch a cross and holy water! Do you even know about a book called The Bible? Cause I'm pretty sure you're not following it. At all.

Y/N

Look who's talking. Dude I could even read ancient texts if I wanted since I fucking know Latin.

...

But it's not the subject and you're wasting my time.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

DON'T ABANDON ME NOW!

Y/N

Stob being a baby! If you're so afraid, go grab a bazooka or something and blow up the house, your ghost won't go through any wall after that.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

So that's your solution when you have a problem or are afraid of something?

Y/N

Yes. And it works pretty well. And no ghost ever dared to show its transparent face in front of me.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

That would be because you're the epitome of evil. Even Satan is too scared to recruit you.

Y/N

Dude. Go back to sleep, you're annoying.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

Not before my problem is solved woman!

Y/N

Ok. I'll send someone. He's a professional and will help you.

Oswald CRIPPLEPOT

THANKS, wasn't so difficult after all, uh?!

----------- End of message ----------

.

-------- 1 New Message --------

Y/N

Good evening Inspector, I'd like to fill out a complaint form.

Jim Gordon

Are you kidding me, Y/N?

Y/N

No, I really want to do it, the reason is to signal a disturbance of the peace of the night by a lunatic.

Jim Gordon

Is the law a joke to you? You are the lunatic! I should be the one to fill out a complaint form.

Y/N

No, it very useful at the moment. Please send an unit at Mister Cobblepot mansion. Poor dude is losing it and is ranting about a ghost haunting his house.

Jim Gordon

I refuse to take your complaint.

Y/N

Oh, I knew you would say that.

...

That's why I called the Commissioner before sending you a text. Poor thing was still so scared of Victor, that I just had to mention him to make him obey. He'll call you I think.

Jim Gordon

...

You're infuriating! How in hell did you knew about the legal procedures to follow when a cop rejected your complaint?

Y/N

Carmine wanted me to follow law classes while being under his command. Then I passed the bar examination with flying colors✌️. Got an incredibly beautiful degree to put on my fridge.

Jim Gordon

Your despicable.

Y/N

Have a nice spooky night with Oswald Ghostbblepot Jimbo 👻

[weirdbraincustard]

Hloooo🤗🤗I had a query😭😭 I want to increase my intuition and for that ig meditation is important. But I am confused what to do during meditation. Like is it simply concentrating on your breath or are there any extras to it?I am in need for this intuition for my exams especially bcoz only 50% of my total portions are complete and the exams are just a month away and I am struggling like hell . For my exam its mcq so ig I could use my intuition for this 😭😭😭bcoz this exam decides my college selection . PLSSSSS IF U HAVE ANY TIPS TO DEVELOP stronger intuition can u mention them . Thanks a lottt

Sending love and positive vibes💕💕💖💖☺

1) let go of the limiting belief or assumption that you need to meditate or do anything to manifest.

picking this up from your question : "i want to increase my intuition & i guess meditation is important for that" - you should recognise that this is an assumption of yours. you've assumed the fact that if you don't meditate, you can't be an intuitive person. to manifest anything, you don't need to take any 3D action or use any technique.

2) meditation can be anything you want it to be.

you can use it as a way to anchor your thoughts, resolve any feelings of restlessness, lack of faith and attaining peace when it comes to having your desire. meditation is a state of peace where you can observe your thoughts and then proceed to reaffirm or change them. if you do want to meditate, you should know why you're doing it, the clarity of mind is important. as stated in your question, you're unsure of what you're supposed to do during meditation. these feelings of confusion further re-affirm your assumption that since you aren't able to meditate, you can't improve your intuition.

• meditation can be anything you want it to be, this is your reality, only your rules apply. and meditation can be beneficial or not - that all depends on your assumptions.

• meditation implies deep relaxation & the state of peace (hence deep breathing is used to achieve that). this state is extremely beneficial to affirm or visualise. meditation can also help you pay attention to each passing thought so you can reflect upon your true inner self. meditation on its own can also be done to attain calmness in moments of anger, frustration or lack of faith about your desire - to ground yourself into the inner knowing that you're a powerful creator who already has their desire. you can't really worry about what's already yours, right? ;) personally, i love laying down right before i go to sleep, i put on a subliminal audio and deep breathe until i feel calm and almost don't have a focus on anything. i then proceed to affirm within my mind (if any visualisations come up, i observe them) you can affirm for your desire, or affirm the for the fact that you're a powerful creator. the point of a meditation is to anchor your thoughts & not feel like they control you, but you are in control of them & you're not a victim.

• meditation is great for starting off the day or when you go to sleep. although you can do it anytime you want to feel restful.

3) you ARE the person who has always been extremely intuitive. affirm and persist in the same belief.

also just a reminder, you don't have to be intuitive in order to do well in your exam, if that's what you want to do by being intuitive, you can but you don't have to. you can directly affirm for your exams itself - "i know the exam is going to be super easy for me", "i have always been so good at exams" , "i'm always lucky when it comes to exams", "whatever i affirm for, comes in the question paper". etc. any belief persisted enough consistently in, HAS TO MANIFEST, THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION. the law is always working, it works for every single person ever.

wishing you all the best for your exams and i know you already smashed them ;) because you're extremely intelligent & lucky. everything goes in your favor because you're a god. you've always been so good at exams. you're the absolute best at everything you do. you are always happy & feeling your best. you are a wonderful person and everyone treats you like royalty. take care :) sending love & light xx

[bakubub]

In which Racer!Kuroo is your roommate and you finally learn more about him...

Warnings: Mentions of loss of loved one, disregard for own life, swearing, innuendos and implied nsfw (but sfw overall), fem!reader with she/her pronouns.

A/N: Idek what this is. Its literally a 4.6 k mixture of fluff, angst and comfort... I rewrote this like 4 times :,) being a perfectionist is so,,, tiring.

This takes part shortly after this, you can definitely read this without reading the 'part 1' if you will, since they don't depend on one another.

Art belongs to @aikk00 ,, and yes I am still in love with it :D

I stumble out of the lecture hall, my eyes so heavy I bump into about 3 other students and mumble my apologies until I fully wake up and snap out of my daze.

Walking down the stairs and making my way to the bus stop, I watch in horror as the bus I was supposed to be in drives off, going fast for once in its damn life as if mocking me.

Inhaling sharply through my nose, I manage to keep my composure and sit down at the bus stop, telling myself the next bus will be here in a bit.

It's fine. It's fine. I slept through the lecture, and I still have to catch up on 4 subjects and make dinner, but at least the house is clean and I'm caught up in that one subject I picked up for this exact reason.

It's fine. It's going to be just fi-

The rumble of a loud engine breaks my shitty but somewhat effective self-reassurance motto and I open my eyes to see a black and red sports car going 60 km/h in a 30 zone, effectively getting mine and everyone else's attention.

I watched in horror for the second time today as this time it stopped right in front of the bus stop. No, no, no, no.

No.

Please no.

He rolls down the passenger window with that ridiculous hair and a shit-eating grin, as he nods towards the seat, revving his engine.

I look away, pretending he's not looking directly at me and that I don't live with the guy, which I immediately regretted when he beeped the fucking horn.

What did I do to deserve this humiliation?

I hastily put my head down as he beeped it again, giving up and rushing towards his insufferable car, getting into the passenger seat and slumping in my seat to keep my head down low.

"What is wrong with you? What are you even doing here?" I hiss, my glaring up at him from my awkward, folded position.

He laughs, and when I hear the sound of a photo being taken in the split second I looked away to readjust my bag, I sit up straight, watching him continue speeding as he stuffs his phone into his pocket.

"Are. You. Trying. To. Kill. Me?!" I ask, my voice little less than a screech as I slap his arm with each word.

"Ow, ow, I just came to pick my roomie up! I sensed you needed a ride, and this is the thanks I get?" he asks, that smirk I have come to hate returning to grace his features.

I glare at him, but a small, sleep-deprived part of my brain is distracted by his appearance. A tight black tee adorning his built figure, his biceps are on display as he drives with one hand, the other resting on the gear shift. The air from his rolled down window is ruffling his hair this way and that, and I find myself wanting to run my hands through the raven strands, just as I had when I washed his hair that one time...

"Wait- how the fuck did you know I didn't have a ride?" I ask incredulously, my reaction time clearly delayed but here nonetheless.

I narrow my eyes as he hesitates before he answers, "I just knew, ok? It's not like it’s astrodynamics, not that I can't figure that out too."

"Kuroo, what the hell is astrodynamics? Are you like, spying on me or something?" I ask, pretending to look out the window so as to not get distracted by his appearance once more.

"What do you common folk call it? Rocket science?" He says, once again exceeding the speed limit.

"If I'm a commoner, does that make you a peasant? Also, stop going so fast, I feel sick and I do not feel like dying today."

He rolls his eyes in response as he slows down by a smidgen, the speed meter barely even moving. "Seriously, you may have no consideration for yourself, but I still have a lot of things to achieve with my damn life so slow the fuck down." My words finally reach the rational part in him and he slows down considerably, now going within the speed limit.

Taking a deep breath, I rest my elbow on my door and look out the window, my mind flooding with thoughts about Kuroo's reckless driving and how it can all go sour with one delayed reaction.

Before I know it, we're rolling up to our apartment building, driving into his private garage only the penthouse owners get to use.

"I'm sorry," he mutters, filling the silence in the car.

"It's ok. I just... I want you to be safe. I know its hard, but... just try," I say quietly, unable to look at him.

"That's what he said," he says hastily before rushing out of the car before I can hit him.

Getting out of the vehicle myself, I send a murderous look his way and run after his retreating form.

A small part of me is grateful that he's acting like his usual unbearable self again, but the rest of me is just mad at his relentless sex jokes.

He hits the elevator button before I can get there and I watch the doors close, his smirk practically shining through the crack of the closing doors. I jam my foot in the middle at the last possible second, and smile victoriously as I get into the metal box and slap his arm once again.

"Ooh, do it harder," he practically moans, and my eyes just about pop out of their sockets in embarrassment as my face flushes a deep red.

"Oh shut up," I mutter, turning around and waiting patiently for the doors to open on the top floor. I hear him snicker and then the sound of a photo being taken, turning around sharply. I yell in defiance and throw my bag on the floor as I jump onto him in an attempt to grab his phone out of his hand and delete the probably unflattering photo.

I straddle his back and reach for the phone he easily holds out of my reach. Leaning across his shoulder in a feeble attempt to reach it, my feet are hooked around his chest and my other hand is using his shoulder as a brace. He's laughing hard at this point, and I'm screaming at him to give me the damn phone. Neither of us notice the elevator doors opening nor the small woman standing at the threshold staring at us in shock and amusement.

"Kuroo Tetsuro! You let that poor girl down this instant, young man!"

We both froze at the authoritative voice, slowly turning to look at a small dark haired woman with a straight shoulder length cut and narrow gold eyes that were glaring at the man under me.

"MUM!" He exclaims, setting me down and running to hug and kiss the woman, his mum apparently. "What are you doing here?" I hear him ask as I straighten myself out, fixing my jumper and tucking my hair behind my ears, picking up my bag off the floor and quickly following them out of the elevator.

"What, a mother needs an excuse to come visit her boys? Where's Kenma?" She asks, looking in the elevator again as if to check if she missed him.

"Oh, he's at his own place. Apparently he has a booked in session with this famous gamer today. Did he say he'd be here?" Kuroo asks, letting go of the woman and leaning on the wall.

"No, I didn't tell anyone I was coming to visit. Never mind that, who's this pretty young lady here, hmm?" She asks, raising a perfectly shaped brow as she walks towards me, the click of her heels echoing in the lobby of the penthouse.

I smiled down at her, since she was considerably shorter than even me, and introduced myself. "It's very nice to meet you, Mrs. Kuroo." I say, bowing.

"Oh no, no, none of that. You can call me mum too, hmm?" She says, gesturing me up from my bow and pulling me down for a tight hug.

"Oh, um, actually, me and Kuroo aren't-"

"We’ll talk more comfortably inside, no? Tetsuro, is your plan to let me stand here all day?” She asks, letting me go and turning around to look at Kuroo.

Kuroo leaps into action, taking his mum's bag and unlocking the door, helping her out of her heels and leading her into the spotless penthouse.

It was all I could do to nod in response, closing the door behind us and walking down into the kitchen to prepare a meal.

It’s crazy how much I don’t know about this guy. He’d never mentioned his mother before, and briefly mentioned that he has a sister, whether older or younger I have no idea. Kenma, however, I know well. The guy was here all the time when I first started living here, but recently I've seen him less and less. Which is a shame, considering we actually got along quite well, with sharing eye rolls and bonding over our mutual love of Minecraft.

I don't notice silent footsteps following me until Kuroo's Mother says "now, why's a beautiful girl like yourself slaving away in the kitchen? Does that boy make u do all the cooking and cleaning like some mid-century housewife?"

I poke my head out of the fridge, smiling at her fair assumptions, "no, no, it's not like that at all. I actually-"

"Uh, mum! You know I'm incompetent with this stuff. This place would be a mess if she wasn't here to run things! Plus, she loves to cook and finds cleaning therapeutic. Hey, her words not mine," Kuroo quickly jumps in, putting his hands up defensively when she looks at him with a raised brow.

Looks like he doesn't want his mother to know of our little arrangement.

"Right. He's just so hopeless, I can't trust him to do anything," I add on, sending her a smile as I prepare the fish he likes.

"You're making grilled mackerel for dinner?! Oh that's gonna hit the fu- the fun spot," he says, saving himself at the last second.

I hold back a snort as I take out a pan, "open the window, fish boy. It's about to stink here and I can't be bothered with Mrs. Suzuki coming all the way upstairs just to complain about the fish smell, and then complaining that she had to come up here in the first place. God, I hope she isn't sitting on the balcony today," I ramble, trying to see her balcony from outside the window, but fail because of the private location.

Damn these amazing architects.

I hear his mum chuckle at my rambling as she begins to take out ingredients for a salad. "Oh, you don't have to help, please sit and make yourself comfortable," I say, moving towards her to take the lettuce out of her hands.

"No, no, I'd like to pitch in. Now what kind of mother-in-law would I be to let you do everything yourself?" She asks, holding the lettuce away from me and walking over to the sink.

I stare at the back of her head, a flush creeping up my neck, "m-mother-in-law?!" I ask incredulously, glancing over at Kuroo who looked suspiciously... Smug. I look away quickly when he meets my eyes, and I hastily hyper-focus on the fish in front of me, placing it on the heated pan, causing sizzling and popping to fill the awkward silence.

"I'm sorry darling, I don't mean to be overbearing. Tetsuro introduced you as his girlfriend, so I thought things were getting serious since he actually allowed us to meet one another. You see, he’s never introduced me to a girl before, so you can imagine my excitement. I can stop if you're uncomfortable-"

I cut her off, feeling even more embarrassed as I realise the role I am to play in Kuroo's life when his mother is around. I mean, it makes sense, he can't exactly just admit he took a random girl into his house.

"I, um, no really it's fine, I understand" I say, my voice small as I flip the fish.

She lets out a delighted laugh and pulls me down into a hug once more. The smile on my face is genuine as my embarrassment melts away, the bright smile of this woman comforting me.

"So, how did you guys meet?" She asks, chopping up the ingredients for her salad on the bench while I'm at the stove, Kuroo leaning on his elbows on the bench.

"At uni," I answer at the same time as Kuroo states, "at a party."

We both look at each other with wide eyes, and I clear my throat to clarify, "at a uni party. A classmate of ours hosted one and we met each other there."

"I see, so the old boozed up one night stand turned into quite a domestic relationship hmm?" she suggests, wiggling her eyebrows at Kuroo.

"What? No, no, I would never! A one night stand? Booze? Please, what kind of man do you take me for?" Kuroo complains, looking offended.

I turn around towards the stove and roll my eyes. I've heard the rumours around campus, practically every girl in my lecture hall can testify to at least making out with the man. He really puts up a façade for his mum.

I hear the doorbell ring, and quickly take the fish off the stove to go answer it as Kuroo bickers with his mother about how innocent he really is.

"Hello? Who is it?" I ask, pressing the buzzer.

"Uh, hello? Is this Tetsu's place?" A deep voice answers. I look at the camera, seeing Kenma and a bunch of men about Kuroo's age looking confused. The one who answered is a guy with a blond mohawk and piercings adorning both ears.

"Yes, just give me a second," I reply. "Kuroo, I think Kenma and the rest of your friends are here? Should I let 'em up?" I shout out.

"Yeah let 'em in," he calls back. I press another button, letting them into the lobby.

I need to make more food.

Quickly taking out my frozen dumplings I stocked up for emergency dinners for days I couldn't be bothered to make anything better, I whip up a quick sauce, thinking I could split the fish and put it in the middle of the table so everyone can take their share.

"I do apologise darling, I let my Kenma know that I came to visit and he must have told the boys. I think they've all come to see me," Kuroo's mum confesses.

"You must be a very loved woman if they came all this way to see you. And it's no worries really, I'm always prepared for guests," I say, putting her at ease.

She beams at me as the door is banged loudly.

Kuroo mutters something about “rude assholes'' as he goes to open the door, a group of tall men making their way through the threshold.

"Hiya cap'ain," the mohawk guy says, patting Kuroo on the back. A tall, light brown haired man was next to greet him, then proceeded to exclaim "MUMMA KOZUME!!" and practically jumped onto the poor woman.

Wait, did he just say Kozume? Isn't Kenma's surname Kozume?

"Hey mum," Kenma greets, kneeling down to hug Kuroo's mum.

Who's mum is this lady?! I swear to god I'm going to go crazy.

"Hello hello everyone," A massive grey haired guy says, kissing Kuroo's mum on the cheek and hugging Kuroo.

The last guy to greet them is a tan guy with a buzz cut, and he does the same as his friend before.

"So Kuroo, when di'ja get yourself a girl, huh?" The grey haired guy asks, looking offended that he didn't know before now.

I raise my eyebrows as Kuroo just smiles guiltily. He introduces me to his friends and I wave hello, as they all begin to introduce themselves.

The grey haired guy says his name is Lev and that he's half Russian. A weird detail to include but interesting I guess.

The light brown haired man introduces himself as Yaku, and says that he was Kuroo's senpai back in high school.

"Yeah a demon senpai," Kuroo mutters in reply. My smile quickly turns into a grimace as Yaku jumps on him and they both start brawling on the floor, making a loud ruckus. A loud thumping can be heard from downstairs as Mrs. Suzuki starts to lose her mind and continues to bang the handle of her broom to her ceiling.

"Ugh, you morons upset Mrs. Suzuki! She's going to talk my ear off next time I see her..." I complain, grabbing a cushion and throwing it at the boys.

They flinch at my anger and quickly get up, muttering a quick apology. My glare softens as mohawk introduces himself as Yamamoto, and the tan guy says his name is Kai whilst vigorously shaking my hand.

"It's very nice meeting all of you. Dinner will be ready in a bit so please just make yourselves comfortable," I announce, making my way back into the kitchen.

The boys, all sporting grins, make their way to the living room and sit on the couches, man-spreading and slouching all over the place, one person taking up the usual spot for two.

I sigh, focusing on the dumplings in front of me.

I stiffen as I feel large hands on my waist, and a presence behind me. Visibly relaxing once I realise it's Kuroo, I turn around, his hands still resting on my hips, and his face nestled in the crook of my neck.

"Please just go along with it. We have to act like a couple if they're going to believe us," he mutters, his hot breath causing shivers to run up my spine.

I simply nod, instinctively placing my arms around his neck and running my fingers through his hair, something I've wanted to do since that day.

He groans into my neck, and I find myself holding my breath as I continue my hand movements.

"OI LOVEBIRDS! MUM SAYS THE DUMPLINGS ARE GONNA FUCKIN' STICK! Ow! Oh, sorry," I snatched my hands back from Kuroo, pushing his chest, my cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

What the fuck am I doing?!

I turn around back to the stove, mixing the dumplings in the boiling water as my thoughts race.

That felt too real, too much like a real relationship.

And way too addicting, apparently, since I already miss his close proximity.

The warmth on my waist disappears as I hear Kuroo running back into the living room.

"SHUT UP YOU MORON, THE DUMPLINGS ARE FINE!" I hear him scream, and then a loud thud as he presumably tackles whoever yelled at us to the ground.

I sigh as I hear Mrs. Suzuki's muffled thuds from downstairs in record time.

"You know I'm going to have to make Mrs. Suzuki some kind of apology cake because you boys can't sit down and act like adults," I complained, my arms crossed and an unimpressed expression on my face.

Lev and Yamamoto are on the floor playing some kind of Connect 4 game I've never seen before, while Kai looks to be having a deep conversation with Kuroo's mum, who is perched on the single arm chair like the queen she is.

Kenma is hogging the tv playing some kind of video game on Kuroo's ps5 (which I've hogged on more than one occasion), and Kuroo on the other hand has Yaku in a headlock.

He immediately lets go and apologises, and so does Yaku, who even bows in his regret.

I roll my eyes and shake my head at his mum, who just laughs, and I make my way back into the kitchen, setting food on the table and calling them in to eat.

After dinner, I find myself showered in compliments and not a bite of dinner leftover for tomorrow's lunch. Damn I'm good.

I served up cake I had already prepared from earlier along with fruits I washed and set on plates, and watched as that was eaten and finished before I even sat down. Kuroo's mum scolded the boys for poor manners, and they all apologised. Well, all except Kuroo, who just wiggled his pierced brows and winked at me.

I sit down on the floor next to the couch, since it was all occupied, and hear a dissatisfied sound coming from Kuroo's mum.

"Now, now, sweetheart. You don't have to be shy around me, just go on and take your usual seat next to Tetsuro," she says, nudging her head in Kuroo's direction, where the only vacant spot was literally his lap.

I look at her with wide eyes, even Kuroo seems taken aback by her suggestion, and all the boys are immaturely ‘oohing’ loudly as they laugh and make fun of us.

Kuroo makes a gesture for me to come next to him, so I hold back my heavy sigh, try my best to hide the flush on my face, and walk towards him, awkwardly perching on his knee.

He chuckles as he grabs my waist and pulls me flush towards his chest, my butt in the corner of the couch and my legs resting diagonally over his, so that my head is directly in the crook of his neck.

I hate to say it, but this is actually really damn comfortable.

Conversation has started up again, but it becomes secondary to the beat of his heart right under my ear, and my eyes start to get heavy as his scent and warmth lull me to a comfort that is beyond being awake and alert.

---

Kuroo's POV

"What a cute girl she is, Tetsu. I'm so glad you've found her. And now that you've got her, you better. Not. Let. Go." She says, slapping me on the arm with each word of her last sentence.

What is it with women and slapping me?

"Ok, ok, I know mum, I won't stuff this up. I promise," I respond, smiling at her.

"Ok, well, I'm staying over at Kenma's house. Ah, no objections. You've already got your hands full, and I don't want to be in the way of young love. Plus, I'd rather listen to Kenma's midnight streams than you two in the middle of the night," she says, not accepting my objections and giving me a knowing look. My face warms to what she's insinuating, and I mutter a quick, "it's not like that," as I duck my head into Y/n's shoulder.

By this time the boys have all left, Kenma's downstairs waiting in his car for his mum to come, but she insisted on staying back for a few minutes to talk to me.

Y/n fell asleep a while ago now, still nestled on my lap, her head on my shoulder and her figure keeping me warm.

"I know exactly how it is, my darling. I've seen how you two act, pretending to be in a relationship just so we don't ask any uncomfortable questions. I won't meddle in your life, I never did, Tetsuro. But I will give you advice I expect you to consider. Don't let her go. Neither of you were pretending about your feelings towards each other, let me tell you that much." She says, knowingly looking at me.

I look up in alarm, which quickly morphs into a nervous laugh. She's good, I'll give her that much.

But, can Y/n really mirror my feelings?

"Ok darling, better not leave Kenma waiting any longer. I'll visit again tomorrow, or you can come over to Kenma's, whichever you prefer as long as she comes along too. I want to get to know my future daughter-in-law better!!"

With that, the woman who took me in and treated me like her own left my home.

I look down at my roommate, taking in the way her lashes are long enough to brush against her face, the way her brows are just a tad bit asymmetrical, the stroke of her nose and the bend of her cupid's bow.

I can't help but bring my hand up to caress the side of her face, content to stay here forever.

Mum would've loved her.

This thought broke the dam that held back my tears since middle school, and as they fell down my face I couldn't help but think of my own mother, coming in and hugging her, making her famous pie that I can't remember the taste of anymore. A sob racks my figure and I all of a sudden find a pair of e/c eyes staring up at me, my tears having dampened some parts of her face.

Wordlessly, she straightens herself and wraps her arms around my neck, running her fingers through the back of my head, stroking down towards my nape and up again. I cry into her shoulder, tears that I've bottled up, emotions I've ignored because I've had my dad, my grandparents and the Kozume's. Later, I even had the team, and they all followed me to the racing gig, a place where I can express my emotions through the reckless driving that could claim my life any second. I should have been grateful. Instead, the pain of her absence never ceased.

I clutch the back of her sweatshirt as I cry and cry and cry, eventually tiring myself out and running out of tears.

With dry sobs still racking my body every few minutes, she finally leans back, cupping my face in her gentle hands.

"What's the matter, Kuroo?" She whispers, looking up at me with tears shining in her own eyes. "You can tell me anything, or you can say nothing at all. Either way, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you," she says, touching her forehead to mine and closing her eyes. She stays here for a moment before moving to get up and drag me up too.

"Come on, let's get you into your pjs and into bed. It's getting late."

---

Your POV

Now in his usual shorts and singlet, I drag him to his massive bed, opening the neatly made bed and gently sit him down.

His hazel eyes follow me as I go to close the curtains, his lashes still wet from the countless tears he shed, his body still hiccupping with dry sobs.

Once I've put his blankets around him, I go to leave, muttering a goodnight as I leave.

"Y/n," I hear before I close the door. I peek my head in, "please stay."

Without a pause to think about his request, and already in my own pyjamas, I go next to him and crawl into his open arm as if I've been doing it every night, snuggling into his shoulder once more and wrapping my arm around his chest.

After a few moments of silence, he begins to speak in a raspy tone, "she's not my real mum. She's Kenma's mum, and I've... I've called her mum since I was around 7," he takes a deep breath before continuing. "I moved in with my dad and grandparents next door to the Kozumes when I was 6. I was nervous and shy back then. You wouldn't even recognise me because of the 180 turn my personality's taken. Kenma was even more social than I was. He was my first friend, and when I got him into volleyball and we met Coach Nekomata. That man inspired me to be the man I am today, and was the main reason why I joined the volleyball team in high school, and made friends with the guys. He did what my mum should've, supported me and gave me the confidence to live my life," he says, his voice cracking with the last word. I hug him tighter, knowing not to say anything as of yet.

"I just wish... I wish she didn't go. I wish she could've met you, Y/n. She would've loved you even more than Kenma's mum does," he confesses with a chuckle, sniffling and turning towards me to look me in the eyes.

"She would've seen the way I was around you. The different man I become. You make me a better person, Y/n. I find myself wanting to be better for you. I could never thank you enough for that. Please, never leave. Just stay with me, and I'll always be here for you," he says, repeating the same words I said to him earlier.

I can't help the smile from taking over my features and I lean in to kiss his nose, his eyes, his cheeks and finally I press my lips against his, something I have been wanting to do for a very long time.

"I will, Kuroo Tetsuro. I'll always stay with you."

A/n: So, I don't actually know if his mum passed away or if she left them, so I kind of just,, did both ?

Taglist: @3daa & @itsgiorgiaz

Notes, interactions and reblogs are highly appreciated <3

[3rensgf]

rent a gf - two eren yeager x reader

word count: 2.9k

warnings: mentions of sex, talks about "getting bitches", eren is an idiot, fuckboy!eren implied, tatbilb mention, uhh fluff idk theres not much to warn abt in here, not beta read

notes: chapter two is out! i'm really glad a lot of people are enjoying rent a gf. it really means a lot! i see some people commented on the previous chapter, and i would love to reply to them, but i'm not familiar with tumblrs commenting system D: if you wanna leave a comment for me to just read, that's fine you can still keep commenting here on tumblr. but if you would like me to reply to it, you can comment on ao3, and i will reply! happy reading :) p.s, waffles w whipped cream r so much better

[ read on ao3 ]

previous ✩ series masterlist ✩ next

In the early hours of Saturday morning, you felt a hand shaking your shoulder to wake you. Groaning and mumbling, you sleepily swatted the hand away and pulled the covers over your head. No one should be forced to wake up early on the weekends. It was Saturday, for fucks sake. Not to mention your hangover due to last nights mistakes was making your head throb.

The hand rested on your shoulder once more, shaking you gently. “(Y/N),” Mikasa said softly. “Your alarm has been going off for the past 10 minutes. Wake up. I have water and Advil.”

“Nooooo,” you moaned, snuggling deeper into your bed. “Don’ wanna.”

Mikasa stopped bothering you for a moment, and you let your guard down. Finally you could sleep. When it was time to wake up, you’d wake up.

Right as you were about to pass out again, your blanket was roughly tugged off of you. “Mikasaaa!” you whined, covering your face with your hands. “What was that for? I was trying to sleep.”

“Get up. You have to shower and get ready for lunch with Eren today. Breakfast is almost finished,” she explained, setting down the pills and water on your bedside table. “Go brush your teeth and wash your face so you can eat. Now,” she instructed sternly, moving to your window to open the curtains. The bright sunlight hit your still half-asleep face, making you hiss quietly.

She left the room moments after, probably to check up on breakfast. Honestly, you didn’t know how she could function this early in the morning despite having partied all night last night. Curse her and her inability to get hungover.

Grumbling to yourself, you adjusted your sleep clothes that had gotten disheveled overnight to make sure you looked decent. Your sleepy gaze wandered over to your nightstand to see two Advils on a napkin beside a glass of cold water. Thanking every higher power for sending Mikasa to you, you downed both pills and the glass of water. Even though you might bitch and moan to her constantly, you really weren’t lying when you said you’d die without Mikasa.

After sitting down at the edge of your bed for a few moments, you eventually shuffled into the bathroom to brush your teeth and do your morning routine. It took longer than usual thanks to your sluggish and tired movements, but you got done nevertheless.

A wonderful aroma came from the kitchen when you left, stomach grumbling in anticipation for the wonderful food you were about to scarf down. Mikasa was in the process of setting down both your breakfasts on the island, sitting down on the stools when you walked in. “Morning, Sleeping Beauty,” she greeted, resting her chin on her hands.

“Morning, sweet angel,” you replied, sitting at the stool beside her. In front of you was a plate of Funfetti pancakes with whipped cream instead of maple syrup (syrup was for pancakes only). There were a couple of cut up fruits beside them, too. “Where did you get these?” you asked, picking up your fork to take a bite of your breakfast.

Mikasa dug into her own breakfast of oatmeal as soon as you started eating. “Went grocery shopping and saw the mix in the baking aisle. I thought you’d like it,” she explained, taking a bite of her food. “Good?”

Your response was a moan, tilting your head back as you chewed. “Insanely,” you said, cutting up another bite. You stabbed the piece with your fork and guided it to Mikasa, keeping your hand under it to catch anything if it dropped.

She finished her bite and leaned in to take the bite, humming in satisfaction at the taste. “Good,” she nodded.

“They put like crack ‘n this shit,” you said through a full mouth, shoveling forkful after forkful into your mouth.

You could feel Mikasa's judging gaze for eating like a pig, but you didn’t care. All you cared about was eating these crack laced waffles as greedily as possible. “What time are you supposed to meet Eren today?” she asked to make conversation.

You remember drunkenly slurring to her that Eren was supposed to take you out for lunch today while she was trying to put you to bed. All she did was nod and dodge your flailing limbs while she tried to change you into your night clothes.

“Uhhh,” you trailed off, “I dunno actually. I think he’s gonna text me when.” The familiar notification from your phone indicated you had a text from Eren. “Right now.”

ren ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ - 9:04 AM picking u up at 12 dont be late

you - 9:04 AM k

ren ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ - 9:05 AM dont use k with me that makes me sad :(

you - 9:05 AM k

“He says 12,” you told Mikasa, setting your phone back down on the table. You went to go take another bite of your waffles, only to be met with stray bits of whipped cream and waffle crumbs. How disappointing.

“You have time to get ready then,” she said, finishing up the last bit of her own breakfast. Holding her plate, she got up to go put it in the sink, taking your plate for you as well. Literally an angel.

Suddenly, she leaned in to sniff you like the weird English professor you had your freshman year and cringed. “You’re gonna need all the time you can get. You stink.”

Never mind, not an angel.

Grumbling and cursing under your breath, you got off the stool to go take a shower. “And here I was about to offer to get you something for lunch while I was out.”

“A burger from the joint I like would be nice. So would a Coke and side of onion rings.”

“Size?”

“Medium for both.”

You would’ve caved in and bought her something, anyways. Might as well know what she wanted in the first place.

Showering took longer than expected. Most of your time got wasted by you standing under the shower stream and soaking in all the warmth. It wasn’t until Mikasa knocked on the door asking you not to use up all the hot water that made you actually start going through your routine.

The clock read 10:09 when you got out. You still had more time to kill until Eren came, so you elected to sit on your bed in your towel to scroll through social media. At 10:45, you started to get ready for real now.

Your makeup was just enough to cover any imperfections on your face, and your outfit cute enough for a lunch outing with your friend-fuckbuddy.

At 11:50, you stepped out into the living room with your belongings in hand to lounge around while you waited for Eren. You would’ve gone to bug Mikasa, but she had just stepped into the shower minutes prior.

12 on the dot, a rhythmic knocking was rapped on your door, meaning Eren was finally here. Skipping over to the door, you opened it to reveal him while slipping on your shoes.

“Hey,” he grinned when the door opened. He leaned in to give you a kiss on the lips after you’d straightened up from putting on your shoes.

A grin found its way on your lips during the kiss. It only lasted a couple of seconds, ending with you pulling away with a quiet smack. “Hi,” you greeted back.

“Ready to go?” he asked, one hand leaving his jacket pocket to jut his thumb down the hallway towards the elevators.

“Yup, ready,” you said. Over your shoulder, you yelled into the apartment to say goodbye to Mikasa and locking the door once you closed. “Okay, ready for real now.”

There was a new hot pot restaurant near campus, Eren told you, that he so desperately wanted to try. He overheard some people talking about the place in his Stats class, and he’s been wanting to go ever since.

“So, about what I told you last night,” he said, leaning on the table close to you after giving your orders to the waitress. “You said you would help me get Mina.”

“I said it was a bad idea,” you countered, taking a sip of your drink.

“But you said you would help me. For a price.”

“That I… did say,” you sighed. “What’s your plan?”

Smiling, he opened up his jacket and dug into the inner pockets, getting out a small notepad and a pen. Your eyebrows raised at the sight of them. “Okay,” he started, flipping through his notepad. “So I was thinking about it this morning, and this is what I have down so far.”

Sliding it towards you, he waited impatiently for you to read what he had.

Your lips pursed to prevent giggled from leaving your lips. Well, it was a plan, alright. Written in Eren’s chicken scratch of handwriting were a few very simple steps.

eren yaegers fool proof plan to get bitches get mina aka operation rent a gf by eren yaeger 1. talk to mina to get her interested in you ✓ 2. get hot girl ((Y/N)) to pretend to be your gf and show you can be a good bf 3. get mina jealous so she wants you even more and not poopy thomas wanker 4. “break up” with (Y/N) and pretend to be sad 5. get mina to comfort you 6. get bitches make mina your gf 7. pay (Y/N) for her services 8. ta-da!

When you looked up from the notepad, you saw Eren waiting for your answer. “Well? What do you think? Is it any good?” he asked.

“Were you high when you wrote this?” was the first thing you asked him. Eren shook his head innocently. “You’re 100% serious?” He nodded.

You bit your lip, deep in thought about Eren’s supposedly fool proof plan. “What makes you think it’s gonna work?”

“I know girls and how they act. If Paradis University let me major in women -- don’t get smart with me I don’t mean Women Studies -- I would be passing all my classes with flying colors. I know it’ll work, trust me,” he said cockily, leaning back in his chair.

“No you don’t.”

“Yes I do. I know you. I know everything about you, (Y/N). I even know how to make you scream my name in--”

“Okay!” you cut him off, not wanting the strangers around you to know the intimate details of your sex life with Eren. “Okay.”

“I knew you were gonna do that. See, I do know women.”

A moment or two passed, both of you staring at each other. You with a deadpan expression, and him with a proud one. You were the first one to break the silence with a heavy sigh. “Okay, say I agree to this. What do I get in return?”

“Anything you want,” he said. “Within reason, of course. Please don’t ask me to like, hide a body or something.”

Ignoring his last comment, you continued speaking, “You’re not allowed to back out of whatever I ask you to, right? If this plan fails or succeeds, you still owe me whatever you promised.”

Eren nodded. “Of course. I swear on it.” He shifted a little so his elbow was on the table, holding out a pinky. Instinctively, you held out your pinky as well and intertwined the both of them. Pinky promises were something you and Eren had been doing for years now. It meant that the other was dead serious on their promise.

The waitress came back with your broth and dipping ingredients, setting them on the table for you right when your pinkes left each other. Thanking the waitress, the two of you talked some more while you waited for the broth to heat up.

“We should make it official. With a contract and set of rules,” he said. “Like that one movie you forced me to watch with you. The Boys I Loved or some shit like that.”

“To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before,” you corrected.

“Yeah, that. They’re kinda doing something like us, yeah?”

“Guess so,” you shrugged, picking up your chopsticks and a sice of pork belly when the broth started to boil. “After we eat though.”

Idle chatter was shared between the two of you as you ate. Even though you saw each other nearly every day, you never ran out of things to talk to. You could be talking about complete nonsense or how quantum physics made no sense, and you would still have the best time of your life.

By now, the broth had been drunk up and the table had been cleared out to be replaced with banana milk and ice cream. Eren brought out his notepad again to write down the set of rules for your fake relationship while enjoying your desserts.

Good progress had been written so far on the notepad. Both of you had given input and criticism on each rule made. In the end, you finally had a good set of rules written down.

(Y/N) and erens contract and rules for eren yaegers fool proof plan to get mina aka operation rent a gf by eren yaeger 1. act normally. eren and (Y/N) act like a couple already. just double the pda a little more 2. don’t tell anyone about the deal. the more people who believe in the relationship, the more likely it is for the plan to work 3. post each other on ig a lot. maybe add names and a date to bios to make it more believable 4. date night every saturday (go out or just hang out) 5. go to parties together 6. walk each other to class if you can 7. call each other cute pet names 8. after breaking up, the couple act has to stop including the sex 9. DON’T SLIP UP

payment for (Y/N):

Eren tapped a beat on the notepad, reading “payment” over and over again. Eventually he looked up at you, deep in thought. “Have you thought of anything so far?” he asked, clicking the pen to write what you wanted.

This was a tough decision. Eren was ready to give you anything to help him get Mina. You had to be wise and pick something big to take advantage of him. Something you were sure you wouldn’t ever regret getting.

“How about,” you started, trailing off, “you do my laundry for the rest of our time at ParadisU, buy me lunch every Wednesday even after we break up, recommend that godsend of a tutor you keep gatekeeping to help me too, and…”

“And?” Eren asked, looking up from his writing, waiting for your next words.

“All the orgasms I want during our relationship,” you finished, satisfied with what you chose.

“Is that all?” he asked, writing down the last of your words. “That’s a lot.”

“How about I let you know if I wanna add more,” you said. Eren nodded in response. His head hung to look at the notepad again, writing something down. Once he was done, he plaed the pen on the pad and slid it to you.

“Sign it so it’s official,” he instructed.

There were two lines beside each other, one already with Eren’s signature. Without hesitation, you signed your name neatly on the paper, giving the items back to Eren once you were done.

(Y/N) and erens contract and rules for eren yaegers fool proof plan to get mina aka operation rent a gf by eren yaeger 1. act normally. eren and (Y/N) act like a couple already. just double the pda a little more 2. don’t tell anyone about the deal. the more people who believe in the relationship, the more likely it is for the plan to work 3. post each other on ig a lot. maybe add names and a date to bios to make it more believable 4. date night every saturday (go out or just hang out) 5. go to parties together 6. walk each other to class if you can 7. call each other cute pet names 8. after breaking up, the couple act has to stop including the sex 9. DON’T SLIP UP

payment for (Y/N): eren has to do the (Y/N)’s laundry for the rest of university, buy her lunch ever wednesday, get tutor to help her and give her as many orgasms as she wants during the course of the relationship

signed x eren yaeger x (y/n) (l/n)

The two of you shook hands when Eren put away his things, to seal the deal again. The waitress came by again to give you the bill and collect your dirty dishes. Eren set down the cash needed to pay along with a tip in the check presenter before the two of you left.

You walked hand in hand back to Erens car before you realized you missed something. “Wait. What do we tell people when they ask how we got together?” you asked, pausing in your tracks.

Eren stopped with you, turning to look at you. “Um, you can say I confessed after lunch, and that this is technically our first date,” he suggested, tugging your hand to walk back to the car.

“Huh. Okay. That works,” you nodded.

The two of you got into the car a little bit past 2:30 in the afternoon, ready to go home. “Wait,” you said again, making Eren pause. “Mikasa wanted a burger from that one joint near our apartment. Could you take me there first?”

Eren smiled and nodded, starting the car. “Of course. Burger with medium Coke and onion rings?”

“How did you know?”

“She always gets that when we go there.”

“Huh… I guess you’re right.”

“When am I not?”

"Always."

taglist - @thestrugglesofateenagedirtbag , @lazalee , @countthemoons , @se-va-muriendo-mialma , @liaxxx109 , @prxttyguardian , @jeansbabycake

italic names, it wouldn't let me tag you!

3rensgf © 2021 ; do not repost or translate my work.

[arlecchno]

lmao the blonde parts are supposed to be teal but i havent had a chance to redye them in foreverr … also yes ! my xiao jacket ! its not the only one out there though LOL

the wall youre seeing is actually my best friend roofs long lost sibling , wall /j

BEFORE 6 !? i could never i always go to bed at like 12am …. im so sleep deprived on school days lol

ME AND THAT FRIEND DID SO MANY SILLY THINGS IN OUR MATH/STEM CLASS LMAO we used to play genshin wish sim (im very young T_T) and say weird things to summon characters (i told the computer id help make kaeya dilucs brother again to get diluc , and BOTH OF THEM CAME HOME IN THE SAME PULL) tbh ive always complained ab stairs so ,,, i cant even take the stairs in my building anymore bc i live on the 9th floor itd take way too long 😭

we have a lot of the same top 5s , kaeya , diluc , and scara share #1 because … yes . my favorite gal is fischl i love her sm -

i have 11 5*s (not including aloy) , and im currently pulling for sir acting grand scribe himself ! im at around late 30 pity , if he does / doesnt come home i will make self ship art because i dont think he would like that >:)

GOOD TO KNOW ITS GOING WELL im actually making notes for a fic i wanna write on call w my previously mentioned friend roof LOL ive had the idea ever since the nilotpala cup event , i really wanted to make like an actual fic based off of it bc that girl from the yae publishing house was supposed to or wtv HAHAH but im procrastinating on a title so im just . UGH - yk ?

i did have a good day both the day you replied and today ! i am injured but its not bad (only hurts when i move certain ways) , i went on a field trip for school today and got to go in a ✨stream✨ and pick up a little crawfish >:D i hope youre doing good as well !! its so nice talking to you lmao youre so cool

i might start sending doodles every ask , so heres a sketch of my genshin oc !!

my “question” issss guess what region theyre from ! or who they live with LOL the hint is that there are already playables from their region , and there are technically two regions theyre from ?? you can guess just one though ill give you the answer next ask :P

- jellyfish

i think it's because i'm already used to waking up early... even tho i'm a very sleep deprived student that sleeps at 12-1 and wakes up at 5 😔 i'm fairly a light sleeper so no matter what time i sleep, whenever my alarm goes off i'm always up by the second 🥲

and LMAOO i've played a ton of those wish sims to prevent myself from rolling whenever i'm saving up for a character, it works wonders

i didn't really expect you to like fischl!!! i like using her in events where we have her as a trial character lol using oz in her burst and flying around is so silly but i always have fun with it!

seems like we're both on the run for alhaitham :D currently have 72 pity and he still has yet to arrive... i do not have a guarantee whatsoever so the next time i pull i'm gonna be praying for him to come home 😔 i've already explored most of the new area for him

and that fic idea sounds interesting! i briefly forgot about that event so when you mentioned it i'm suddenly reminded of how fun playing with the fungi was!! hope you'll find many inspiration for your supposed title, and who knows, next thing you know you're hitting the post button for your fic 🤭

hope you're healing well from your injury also!! have lots of rest and don't overexert yourself too much, resting is very important hehe

it's nice to know that you went on a field trip :O i haven't been to one in a while so hearing it from you reminded me how fun it always is to go on one and escape school (tbf i think we can agree at least half of the students that volunteer on field trips only do it to skip classes LMAO #guilty)

i think if i had to guess, it's a mix between mondstadt and sumeru, maybe? i'm either really wrong or really right since my basic skills of knowledge on each regions' outfits are very minimal 😵‍💫

a question for you; how was your week? tell me all about it!! hehe i honestly like hearing people talk about their day and week because it's undeniably so interesting to know what others have been up to and how different some people's lives can be from ours! hope i'm not rambling too much... i just really like listening to people talk and talk about their life

[yostresswritinggirl]

100 Followers Special

(And how to participate) you don't need to be a follower to vote ack

~yostresswritinggirl

Hello AGAIN, with your back to back followers special! Exiled here, very tired, as I just closed the requests box for our 50 followers special. I asked for some recommendations and no one helped me so this is what I came up with!

Granted, it's nothing that special, I literally just dumped my notes into this so—

Please make sure to follow the guidelines and read this thoroughly to properly participate!

1. You will be given a long list of fic prompts specific to a character that I've come up with for weeks on end, please don't steal, as I will remove them after this event is done!

2. Voting! You now have the power to influence my writing schedule haha- what you need to do: is to pick three prompts from the list and send it to me; either through reblog tag, a reply, or in my ask box (not anon so we can count fairly, will not publish these answers tho so worry not)! Not in messages tho! It should be in this format:

1. Character - prompt or prompt title

2. Character - prompt or prompt title

3. Character - prompt or prompt title

example:

1. Albedo - Citrinitas

2. Zhongli - Braid

3. Xingqui - Author!Reader

The top three most voted prompt and character will be the next fics I'll publish after I'm done with the current reqs. Speaking of: Voting ends when I finish the current reqs. You'll know it's done once the counter in my blog desc reaches 12/12.

3. In addition to the three prompts, you also get to add your own prompt to it! My prompts list does not include ALL the characters that's why I wanted to give you this option too! Add a fourth number and specify a character, a prompt/idea, and the format of the fic! Format it this way:

4. Character - Prompt/Idea (Format)

4. Kaeya - What's under that eyepatch? (Scenario)

After I pooled the answers, I'll randomly pick between the bonus answers and write them last! So give it your best shot!

4. Tags-list! I thought this would be necessary for this kind of a whim special, so if you wanna be tagged, just put Tag Me! at the end of your vote. Please make sure that you're actually able to be tagged because I just tried and some users are not in my orbit huhu, look here

5. If a pocket watch/series prompt gets chosen, I will only post the first chapter, not the whole damn fic pls. Have mercy,,,

I will post a counter of the top three in my blog description and will be updated as frequently as possible. Any questions, please direct to this post or my dms <3

Without further ado, here is your choice list!

Xingqui - "My liege, would you care to accompany me on my reading break? I've picked up a romance novel and it reminded me of us."

-> Author!Reader: You met Xingqui at Wanwen Bookhouse when delivering a batch of your newly-published book. But as a ghost writer, no one knew it was you that authored such books. Safe to say it was cute watching the noble bookworm fanboy about you in front of you. [FLUFF] [FIC]

-> Headcanons with a reader older than Xingqui who's a close family friend of the Feiyun Commerce Guild. Fascinated after meeting you in a party, the noble boy aspires to become the best man for you despite the difference, promising to be the best suitable partner for you in the future. [FLUFF] [HEADCANON SCENARIO]

Childe - "Hey there, comrade! What a coincidence that we had a break at the same time, care to accompany me for a walk? I promise I won’t lead you to a fight haha... hey, don’t look at me like that!”

-> Antinomy -  The 10th Harbinger (You) and the little shit they had to mentor (Childe), this fic enumerates the trials of the 11th before he became a Harbinger under your care. From strangers to mentor to friends to love- Childe made a grave mistake, now you’re once again strangers. [FLANGST] [ONESHOT]

Albedo - "Ah, it's you. I've heard of fleeting rumors that you've been pestering a certain someone just to see me. Next time, just come directly to me, I wouldn't mind the assertiveness."

-> Refer to these three as well: Albedo Fic Ideas [FLUFF/FLANGST/FLANGST] [ONESHOT/ONESHOT/SERIES]

-> “You’re Enough”: A year into being the new Chief Alchemist of Mond, Albedo finds himself holed up in his room in the dead of night, haunted as he continuously comes out empty on his research to bring his master back, feeling inadequate. So you reminded him of what he’s capable of. [FLUFF?] [ONESHOT INSPIRED BY You Are Enough - Sleeping At Last]

-> Under the Artificial Sky: Michaelangelo Scenario focused on Albedo’s sketching aspect. Grand Master Varka and Acting Grand Master Jean figured Albedo needed a break and a change of scenery, and sent him off under the guise of a commission in Liyue. What he didn’t expect was another artist from Fontaine accompanying him in this big project.(Albedo and Reader are tasked to paint the new Jade Chamber within 7 days) [FLUFF] [SERIES - 7 CHAPTERS]

-> Albedo SMUT: I had this idea while laying wide awake at 3 AM. The alchemist had been trying all remedies to shake off the stress and fatigue in his system and they all seemed to fail, no amount of sketching or discoveries can pull him away from it. So when you offered a solution he hasn’t heard, he’d jump at it immediately. “You know, some people say having intercourse with someone is a good stress-reliever.” “Intercourse? If it’s true, then please, I wish to have intercourse with you.” “Wha- wait Albedo, do you not know what that is? It’s only done between lovers!” “Convenient, I love you, anything else?” (Two virgin dumbasses do the thing to relieve stress) [SMUT] [ONESHOT]

Xiao - “I’ve taken care of every threat around this area, you can relax now, I made sure of that.”

-> What is it with you and Qingxin flowers? The Traveler had once heard of Xiao’s affinity for Qingxin flowers, and they’re flying companion boldly asked this lingering question to the adepti himself. His pupils dilate and sharpen before Paimon could finish her sentence. (An origin story about his favorite flower, and his favorite person) [SLIGHT FLANGST] [ONESHOT]

-> Just how harmful is adeptal energy to normal humans? You both found out in the worst way possible: silently, deadly. (Slight spoiler: you fucking die) [ANGST] [ONESHOT]

-> Nightmares Taste Horrible: He’s seen that look in your eyes and the ancient soul within it; you’ve lived long ago, and the only thing your soul carried now was the nightmares of a macabre timeline. Was it him or was it demons that brought you that fear? No matter, he’ll protect you even from yourself. (eating the nightmare of a dead soul reincarnated to you) [FLANGST?] [ONESHOT]

-> Go for the throat: The seal that marked you had made it all too late for him to remedy. Bleeding eyes, growing fangs, it’s just another demon to vanquish just like he’s done for centuries. What makes it different was it was sealed in you. (Inspired from Melanie Martinez’s song uhu) [ANGST] [ONESHOT]

Zhongli - “Mortals are capable creatures that evolve and adapt for means of survival, but they advance in ways that changes the world around them. This retirement, may be harder to me than it is to them.”

 -> “In human history, there’s a certain noble and powerful connotation to rulers who braid their hair.” Convince to braid his hair using some historical braid trivia; that long hair behind his back should not be ignored for any longer. [PURE FLUFF] [DRABBLE]

-> History has its eyes on you: A traveling theatre hailing from the land of entertainment finds its way to Liyue for their last caravan. A certain Geo Vision man seems to resonate with your newest script: fighting and protecting your land, building up its nation, before being forced to let go of it. He resonates maybe a little too much. (Musical!Reader with heavy references to Hamilton hehe) [FLUFF] [ONESHOT]

Venti - "Can you hear the symphonies of the wind as it sings to you? That's me, guiding you and protecting you! Whenever you hear it, know that you're safe and sound under my protection!"

-> the one the bard once loved: like actual bard, you are the archer or smth, loved by Venti and Barbatos. Yandere!Barbatos undertones, very unhealthy relationship. This hurts the kokoro. [PURE ANGST] [ONESHOT]

-> The Caravan: (related to the Zhongli and Musical!Reader up there) Your caravan stops at Mondstadt for a whole week before it reaches its final destination. This new fanfare pulled in a peculiar bard who now wants to tag along for the fun of it. "I have no more responsibilities in this free land!" Just what kind of responsibilities does a broke bard have in the first place? [FLUFF] [ONESHOT/HEADCANON]

Diluc - "You look weary, and you still managed to pull yourself here. Here, a fresh and cold glass, on the house. A relieved smile should be enough payment."

-> Abandoned by The Altar: A timeline oriented story focused on your once perfect childhood relationship as Diluc's bride to be, soon becoming estranged after the death of his father and his neglect. You only wish now that he looks at you the same way he did when you heard you were supposed to be together forever when you were young. [FLANFF] (The ending gets better pls; Inspired by Still Into You - Paramore) [ONESHOT]

-> There are No Laws Against Homelessness in Mondstadt: My favorite title out of all of this ahahhaa- who says adventurers can't be broke? You're the living embodiment of that. (Good boi Diluc with a broke ass reader) [FLUFF] (Warning: homelessness) [ONESHOT]

Scaramouche - "Let's go already, the sun is setting and we're nowhere near our destination. If you wanted to linger just to spend more time with me, I would have indulged you behind closed doors anyways."

-> Scaramouche Finally Does the Fandango: Have you ever wondered how Scaramouche is like working with other people? His first assignment was to accompany you in your main region and he sees you in your natural habitat, entranced. [I dunno how to tag this, NORMAL?] [ONESHOT/SHORT]

-> Skincare bitch, how I headcanon Scaramouche as someone actually conscious and always tending to their skin. Look at that smooth skin, cute cheeks, let me pinch, eyeliner glory— In which case, that hat has more purpose than being a frisbee. (May or may not include reader. (based from a reblog convo with chels-void) [GOOD VIBES] [HEADCANONS]

-> Once Supreme: Before Scaramouche, there was someone else higher than him. Before Balladeer there was just a young man fighting for his beliefs and her Majesty. Before Mondstadt, his smile wasn't just for deception. "Someday, someone would take advantage of that smile, Scaramouche. It's not appropriate in this work environment." The day you break a man. (Harbinger!Reader again, and lots of HCs for Scaramouche, same format as Antinomy) [I also do not know how to call this, eventual ANGST] [ONESHOT]

Kaeya - "What are you doing out here in the dead of night? Citizens like you should be cozied up in bed and leaving the patrols to us Knights. Come, I'll accompany you back home."

-> Honey Whiskey: A mysterious band of dancers from Sumeru visits Mondstadt and its taverns to offer a night of alluring dances. What was supposed to be a night of drinking for Kaeya and his troops ended up becoming a tipsy surprise mission when the main dancer steps down from the stage— and ignores him?! How scandalous! (Slightly suggestive themes/You're a bad guy) [COOL?] [ONESHOT] [slightly inspired by song with the same name]

General:

-> A Musical!Reader but with a scenario with every other character, most probably headcanons master post.

-> Genshin Food prompts: From that one post, I ended up making a whole storyline of oneshots related to their special dishes. Oneshots connected to a bigger picture. By impulse you've ended up leaving your normal life behind to pursue your cooking career, starting from Mondstadt, to learn all the cuisines to establish the first ever international restaurant. With the implications of magic and peculiar customers, your simple dream turns into a harder goal. [GOOD SHIT] [SERIES] [CANON-COMPLIANT]

-> God of Time!Reader that hails from Fontaine. Do you wish to know more about their origins and their purpose in this world? [CANON-COMPLIANT] [HEADCANONS] (General since it deals with all the characters/interactions)

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Tagslist-for-my-thirsty-homies:

[ibuki-loves-you]

cutely sends the shrek script

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

i hope you know you crashed my tumblr, made my phone lag, and cursed my feed. thank you so much /j

nah but fr thats fucking hilarious BHAHAHAHA - MOD IBUKI