#Itama was not prepared for the concept of An Cactus

[denialcity]

Any more thoughts about your OC brothers of Madara? From whom is Sasuke and Itachi descended from?

Sorry about the delay Anon! As it happens we have SO MANY thoughts about the brothers

Since Sasuke and Itachi exist in canon though they've got to be descended from either Madara or Izuna, since we have the OC brothers dying too young to have kids. Which would mean that in (the future of) ELAU, Itachi and Sasuke will end up just random Uchiha (though powerful, and possibly with the rinnegan) and not part of the head family. So Itachi at least will probably be much happier growing up with less pressure on him. (And, you know, no massacre so Sasuke will be happier too.)

As for the brothers! (warning Kunimi’s story includes a su*cide attempt)

Takami and Meguru:

They're a unit. You can't separate them; they don't function well at all without the other, and any opinion/decision/etc you get from one has for sure been discussed with and approved by the other.

Takami is a fantastic singer, one of the best in the Uchiha clan (and an 'average' Uchiha is already amazing by any other standards). People will stop what they're doing to linger nearby and listen to him (and then try to hurry away before he can notice them)

Meguru is also a very good singer, but he doesn't like to sing where anyone except Takami, sometimes the rest of his brothers, and eventually Kawarama can hear

Takami becomes the second Hokage, with Tobirama as his "assistant" aka mostly-secret co-Hokage. (Hashirama was the first Hokage, with Madara as his assistant/co-kage.)

Takami's and Tobirama's working relationship is a lot more... explosive than HashiMada were, but they're also terrifyingly effective, and sincerely dedicated to the long-term good of their people. Konoha was already a political power because the Senju and Uchiha both were, but Takami and Tobirama ensure that Konoha will remain one of the top political powers in Fire Country (and the continent) long term

They also have backup plans for conquering any or all of the rest of the continent, should said rest of the continent cause enough problems to make war worth it. This hasn't happened (yet)

Meguru (and Kawarama) takes over more of the work running the Uchiha clan while Takami is Hokage, although Takami still does as much as he can

Takami retires from the Hokage position about when his first grandkid is born, because he wants to spend time with them (and his kids, most of whom are fondly exasperated about their dad having more time to follow them around nagging about grandbabies and eating healthy)

We haven't named any of the next generation, but we call the oldest TakaKawa kid Princess. This is because as a kid she realized that some of her cousins (the HashiMito kids) were called princesses, and complained to Takami that she wanted to be a princess too

Takami's response to this was to immediately start researching which small nation would be best for him to conquer in order to make his daughters actual princesses. Luckily for all nearby small nations, Princess was appeased by everyone agreeing to just call her a princess

Meguru and Kawarama got back together in part because Takami resorted to literally locking them in a room together to make them talk. He then tried to anxiously listen through the door because what if it doesn't work and Meguru gets hurt again?

This has been mentioned before but it's worth bringing up again that Meguru's first boyfriend had a fairly similar personality to Takami, especially in the way of being an arrogant asshole. Meguru didn't mind until the guy started causing problems and expecting Meguru to fix things and get him out of trouble, at which point Meguru dumped the guy and began dating the guy's uncle (the golden retriever blacksmith)

Takami and Meguru trade memories of Kawarama, although most of these are just alternate POVs on things they both saw

In a soulmate AU (assuming soulmates aren't necessarily romantic/sexual), Meguru and Kawarama are both Takami's soulmates, but not each other's. They just end up loving each other anyway without destiny

In an ELAU/BSAU fusion, TakaKawa's fourth kid (the first one born after Takami's Realization that he loves his kids) is albino aka a Blessed Sacrifice. He is delighted to have one kid that he can dote on as much as he wants and will never have to send on a mission. She grows up even more thoroughly spoiled than her sisters but still sweet, and spends a lot of time benevolently bestowing her attention on other Uchiha. The Uchiha are honored and everyone else is very confused

Kunimi:

Kunimi's goal/dream was always to be a shinobi. That's what main house kids DO, nobody ever considers any alternative

Except there's absolutely no way that Kunimi can be a shinobi when he can't stay awake or keep himself from knocking out his own clanmates. So he has to be a civilian even though main house kids are only supposed to retire when they marry (women, to have kids) or if they're unlucky enough to be injured in a way that prevents them from fighting (and they survive said injury)

Kunimi sort of technically fits that second category, since his nightmare hell mangekyou developed when he was protecting Izuna from bloodline thieves that kidnapped them both. This does not make him feel better

Since he can't fight, Kunimi apprentices to one of the Uchiha's master coatmakers, which means he learns to make and repair the special armor that all Uchiha shinobi wear for battle. This is slightly traumatizing for the coatmaker teaching him, because hanging around Kunimi means regularly getting unexpectedly stuck in nightmare hell. But Meguru specifically requested that the coatmaker teach Kunimi, and no Uchiha willingly turns down a request from Meguru, and since they're in the compound they're both safe

When he's not learning coatmaking or stuck in nightmare hell, Kunimi spends a lot of time gardening or raising chickens. Initially he grew whatever plants were easiest and available, but once he's more experienced he starts growing mostly spices. Spices are more expensive and it's much more feasible for him to grow a significant portion of the spices the Uchiha use, so it's a better contribution to the clan finances. He also likes the idea of other Uchiha using the spices he grew in their meals and thinking about him, because it makes him feel less isolated

Once Kunimi has learned some basics of working with fabric, he and Izuna team up to make a fan as a gift for Meguru: Izuna does the forging/metal blades, and Kunimi does the silk and painting. It's like, decent quality, not fantastic, but Meguru loves it and likes to bring it with him to events and show it off to whoever he's just met

Kunimi and Izuna both find this very embarrassing, especially once they've had some more years to gain skill and Meguru still carries around and shows off their first attempt. They've made more fans for him! Much better fans! Why are you still showing off their middle school art project, Hako-nii PLEASE--

Meguru will not be stopped, so the twins just have to live with eternal mild embarrassment every time Meguru meets someone new that he can show the fan to

Kunimi's goal is to make all of the fancy clothes that are also weapons which Meguru likes to wear. By the time Konoha happens he's provided a significant part of Meguru's wardrobe (and a few things of Izuna's and Madara's too) though not all of it

The Senju get ahold of Kunimi, who attempts suicide while he's a prisoner, both out of Uchiha pride and to prevent the Senju from using him against the Uchiha. Itama finds him and keeps him alive while yelling for Hashirama, who is able to heal him fully

Meguru, Madara, and Izuna are horrified when they learn about this (and fully ignoring the fact that Meguru and Izuna would both have done the same thing). Takami's response is something along the lines of 'good decision, that was the proper shinobi thing to do, but you're back now so don't do it again.' Kunimi kind of appreciates Takami's reaction but is also very bitter about never getting to be a real shinobi

Meguru on the other hand is furious with Takami for it. It's one of the very few real disagreements they ever have

Takami would have ransomed Kunimi back from the Senju anyway purely because Meguru would have been sad if he didn't, and the Uchiha wouldn't have resented him for it (also because Meguru would be sad if he didn't) but Kunimi being a coatmaker would have been more than enough justification even if Meguru hadn't cared

Meguru, Madara, and Izuna insist on Kunimi living inside the compound once he's been ransomed back, and everyone else can just cope with the nightmare hell when necessary, lest Kunimi be kidnapped again

Kunimi has extremely complicated feelings about this, and also about peace in general, the medicine Tobirama makes for him, and prettymuch everything that happens as a result of him being kidnapped and ransomed back

Kunimi is very bitter and angry and emo when Konoha is established. Meguru, Madara, and Izuna are the only Uchiha that actively want to spend time with him, and they're all fairly busy, so he's still pretty isolated. He hates Itama for kidnapping him but he doesn't like anyone other than his brothers. He puts up with Itama's initial attempts to befriend him mostly because Kunimi is extremely bored, and Itama is weird therefore interesting

By "Itama is weird" Kunimi means "Itama is not actively trying to avoid me"

Most Senju have a large collection of plants, so when Kunimi starts to like Itama, he initially expresses this by going out into the forest, picking a plant he likes, digging it up, and leaving it (without a pot, just roots and dirt) on Itama's windowsill when Itama is away, so that Kunimi won't have to (horror) say things like 'I like you' or 'here have a gift.' A lot of the plants he chooses are variegated

He then gets very mad when he learns that the plants Senju keep usually produce very potent medicines, sometimes produce poisons, and the remainder are excellent herbs and spices. Itama then takes him through every plant Itama owns and lists when/how/why he got them and who from, which is mostly stories like 'this is the first cutting from a plant Hashirama bred' and 'Kawarama brought this one back from Wind Country (I kept almost killing it before we figured out that it hates both water and decent soil)' and 'Tobirama gave me this for successfully completing my first solo mission'

This takes significantly longer than Kunimi would have liked, but he does get the 'I like these because of who gave them to me and why, not because they're useful' message

A handful of years after Konoha was founded, Kunimi's medicine has been refined enough that he hasn't (unintentionally) fallen asleep in a few years, and Tobirama has stopped making constant tweaks and 'yes that works fine but I had a new idea that might work BETTER' adjustments. Kunimi therefore goes to ask Takami if he can go on a mission and (finally) be a real shinobi

Takami says no

Kunimi has Prepared Arguments. He's been training for this all his life. He hasn't fallen asleep accidentally in years. He can take a month's supply of medicine on a two-day mission. He can go on the easiest mission available and go with an experienced shinobi and--

Takami asks him how many shinobi the Uchiha clan has. Kunimi isn't sure

The Uchiha have just over 200 active shinobi. Konoha, in total, probably has over 3000 shinobi by this point

In contrast, the Uchiha have five coatmakers, and that's only if Takami counts the apprentice who started last year

There is no mission Kunimi could ever possibly go on that would be more valuable than the battle coats he could make or repair in the same time. Therefore, Kunimi is never going to go on a mission and never going to be a shinobi

Now go cling to Itama or something but get out of Takami's office, he has work to do

Itama finds Kunimi lying in a pile of shredded fabric and Having Emotions. It takes Kunimi a long time to process this, and he's never happy about not being a shinobi, but he does eventually end up emotionally steadier about himself and his life

In an ELAU/BSAU fusion, Kunimi goes to live in the Spring House. He's not a yomotsu-shikome, his job is to take care of the house (+ shrine, grounds, etc) but it keeps him both safe and out of the Uchiha compound. His family visits regularly, and he starts keeping chickens, so by the time Izuna becomes yomotsu-shikome it's a much less isolating place. (They still aren't allowed to talk to each other, but Izuna can talk to himself or the crows while Kunimi talks to the chickens, and they can work together, hug, etc.)