#Itachi also does not understand clan courtship

[abby-the-druid]

Yes yes yes

And I imagine there’s *a lot* of clan specific courting that goes on but because he was little he only remembers like 0.2% of it and all of it is literally just normal things you do for another person, regardless of intent to marry. So like, he remembers his dad would ask his mom about her day, so he’s like sweating, panicked because that’s a “courting” thing and he just awkwardly asks how Sakura’s day went one evening over dinner; and she’s just excited because Sasuke-kun asked her and is interested in her so she tells him. But he’s like a whole ball of anxiety about it like brain rotting doing a “well now she knows, I asked about her day now it’s painfully obvious I’m deeply in love with her” and has no idea how ‘normal’ relationships are supposed to work.

And like Itachi and Kisame are of course stalking Sasuke (it’s what good older brothers do) and Itachi is also like “holy shit he may as well have screamed his love for her from the rooftops, they’re engaged now” and Kisame is like “Itachi what the fuck are you talking about, I ask about your day all the time?” And Itachi nearly falls out of whatever tree they’re standing in because he, too, was little when the entire murder happened and also had a very limited memory/understanding of clan courtship practices and had already assumed he and Kisame were married.

And so now Itachi and Kisame are politely arguing (like a married couple) loudly outside the house but Sasuke is entirely too burned out sharing his feelings (ie asking Sakura a singular question) that he doesn’t even notice them causing a whole commotion and Sakura notices but Sasuke doesn’t seem bothered so she just politely waved at them from the window before she leaves to go home.

Ino would be having an entire cow because her mother has taught her *all* of *all* the clans courting practices (comes with the flower shop ownership territory and what to and not to recommend based on clan customer and such) and so Sakura half mentions some of the things because they’re close again, she’s in the office and doesn’t have to prove herself anymore. And ino is like hyperventilating because Sakura doesn’t *know* but Ino can’t tell her that all of those things are courting things because then Ino definitely never has a chance and her mind is just exploded.

So when Sasuke eventually does decide to go to Oro, he has like a whole special meal planned and discusses it at length with Sakura, because that’s his future wife and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t include her because she’s an Uchiha goddamn it. And she’s obviously not super pumped about the idea of leaving Konoha, but Sasuke has for some reason decided to divulge all of this to her, and she notices he looks at her differently now, and she’s a fan of it so she agrees to go, but only on the condition they have like a billion backups plans in case anything goes wrong. And so they do, they plan and plan and plan and Kakashi and Naruto are confused at how much time the two are spending together and Kakashi nearly passes out when he sees that Sasuke had gifted her like a weapons pouch with the Uchiha symbol because he *knows* what that means.

So Kakashi is making hard eye contact with Sasuke who is just avoiding it and Sakura is just happy being with all her boys before they leave and Naruto is just Naruto and has no idea what’s going on at all. She indicates that they’re leaving the village but in no outright way and doesn’t give any indication to where. And Kakashi is nervous but he kind of reasons that if Sakura is with Sasuke he couldn’t actually get into too much trouble, because really she’s the reasonable one. She does the office work, she’s got a good head on her shoulders.

So Kakashi doesn’t say anything to anyone just kind of also vaguely says it would be cool to hear from them once in a while and offers to do a group sign up for his ninkins (I think I’m spelling that wrong) so they can secretly keep in communication and all the kids are obviously pumped about this because puppies.

So Sasuke and Sakura go to Oro. And Oro is not happy at first, that Sakura is there; but decides to let her stay because it seems like he could control Sasuke with her as collateral. But through some time, it turns out Sakura is the wild card because she didn’t come here with a purpose like Sasuke did, she came as support. So soon enough she’s like bitching out Kabuto for not keeping a clean enough lab space, and lectures him about the fact that half of his experiments are failing because he’s an idiot and letting infection happen. And he’s confused and mad about it but Oro just kind of raises an eye brow and lets her go. She criticizes kabuto’s chakra control and calls it messy one day; and he’s like you’re 12 you don’t know anything. And she huffs at him and reminds him she’s actually 13 and a half, thank you very much, and that she at least knows how to control her chakra. So he challenges her to do the fancy experiment. And she’s like, fine bitch bet.

And that’s how everyone at the base finds out Sakura is some kind of freak of nature who is *too good* at chakra control and has seemed to accidentally create her own version of medical ninjutsu. So Oro starts having her run the experiments when she turns 14 and Sasuke is just like dazed and happy in the background like ‘that’s my fucking wife.’ (They are not yet married) and Oro finds that he can neither control Sasuke or Sakura and that Sakura starts manipulating him and bullying him into doing things differently.

No longer are they conducting studies on children or kidnapped people; she creates a whole ward for mental health under the guise to Oro it’s just to understand the mind better. By this point he’s like just hands off because Sakura is scary when you question her. There is no option of Oro taking Sasuke’s body because she threatened to finish what the third hokage started and Oro laughs but she like pulls out this rare scroll that she had unearthed from deep within the lair that could undo like every one of his life saving/sustaining jutsus. And he’s like fine, you crazy girl, leave me alone.

So they graduate from Oro, both morally a little grey but way more level headed than cannon; and they go on the quest to find Itachi. They find him playing housewife in a little happy cottage with Kisame in the forest outskirts of fire nation. And before Sasuke can launch into an attack Itachi is just like ‘you have a lovely wife Sasuke’ and he’s like ‘yea I know’ and Sakura is like ‘when did you get married Sasuke-kun? We’ve been in an underground tunnel system for the better part of 3 years’ and Sasuke blushes and Itachi laughs and Kisame is like “let me talk to her, I’m the one who knows what she’s going through” so he finally explains to her that she and Sasuke have been engaged for about 4 years and her mind is blown and was like ‘but he’s never even held my hand!’

So Sasuke is kind of reconsidering beating his brother to a pulp but Itachi just ends up telling him everything and apologizing and a lot of brother angst/love happens. And they like team up and kick Madara’s ass, save Obito, before any tsukyomi can happen and they all settle in to just like start a new little Uchiha village in the forest; and Naruto visits and he’s not totally insane at not being able to save his friends because his ninkin and theirs have all kept up and Kakashi has been able to feed information to Tsunade and play Sasuke and Sakura leaving off as an infiltration mission and Danzo just has a terrible heart attack when he realizes all his evil plans are foiled just because some little pink haired girl had been placed in the office sector and like had the ability to talk to people.

There’s so much, so so much

desk nin sakura au in which, at like 13, she did too poorly on the physical part of the graduating exam and is given the choice to either repeat a year or to become a desk nin instead of a genin. she picks desk nin because at 13 she can imagine no greater embarrassment then being stuck in a class of 12 year olds and ino knowing she flunked an exam- at least this way she can pretend she wanted to be a desk nin. they're important! they do important work!

it actually turns out there aren't a ton of civilian kids in the desk nin business. if they don't make it as field shinobi they usually just drop out entirely, because they've got family businesses they could go back to instead, you know? most desk nin are from clan families whose family business is being a shinobi, but they weren't a big fan of murder at age 10 or are really big fans of making excel ninja spreadsheets. anyways what this means is they find sakura adorable and immediately adopt her. shes adorable! and shes got the filing system really quickly, how clever!

she gets put in charge of assigning the genin teams their low-ranking missions and gives ino-shika-cho the tora mission like 30 times in a row because she's a teensey bit mad with power. She initially gives team seven really nice missions to try and win over sasuke, but then he keeps showing up grumbling complaints because it wasn't a cool mission that would help him get revenge on his brother...eventually she snaps and starts giving them the tora mission instead. Be Humbled, You Brats!

she gets pissed with the hokage when he assigns team 7 the wave mission btw. and shes mad vindicated when they come back and they're like IT WAS A DISASTER. IT WENT TOTALLY ABOVE OUR PAYGRADE. she's like YEAH thats why PROFESSIONALS assign the missions not some old man whos trying to dote on his loser not-grandson!!!!!!

she uses her desk nin resources to find out where sasuke lives (forgive her the sins of being an unhinged 13 year old) and starts going to his house to bring him dinner half the week. shes not a great cook. at a certain point he takes over cooking duties and shes just there to hang out? and it takes him a month to be like. did i get tricked into dating sakura

kakashi talking to sasuke about how you need bonds with other people, with your team, and sasuke's like i HAVE bonds. me and naruto are rivals which is basically like being friends. and im somewhat engaged to sakura maybe

kakashi: who's sakura? is that the girl on our team bc i always forget her name

sasuke: no. she's this insane girl we went to the academy with who keeps giving us shitty missions to paint fences 'n stuff. i think she lives in my house now or something. naruto's in love with her

kakashi: and you're engaged?

sasuke: can we stop talking? if im late getting back she'll try to make dinner herself and i cannot have burnt rice with burnt fish for the third time this week

[astoldbygingersnaps]

#wip wednesday

it’s me, ya boy, back with Yet Another New Project!

this time, i bring you the beginnings of a oneshot dreamt up by alexa continuing to fan the flames of my shiita brainrot. enjoy!

There are very few moments in Itachi’s life that he can point to and say that he felt truly content. Many of them are from his childhood, small snatches of memory that involve his mother’s cooking or his brother’s laugh. One or two even contain his father, tiny blips of interaction where the man’s unbearable expectations and slavish dedication to duty had slipped away to reveal the human heart beating deep within him. But Itachi would be lying if he tried to claim that the majority of those moments did not include the friend that is currently sitting beside him.

This, however, is not one of those moments.

Currently they’re on the outskirts of Konoha’s vast forests, the coverage against the afternoon sun thinning as the leaves wither in the crisp, autumn air. A gentle breeze rolls through, not harsh enough to chill but the current rakes its way through Shisui’s hair, making it even more unkempt than usual. Itachi’s keenly aware of this fact, and of Shisui’s general presence, as the man has himself wedged close to Itachi, his head resting on Itachi’s knees as he prattles on about Itachi’s least favorite subject: his love life. 

It’s a fascinating contrast, the image of Shisui thoughtlessly draped over Itachi as he drives the knife that is his sexual history deeper and deeper between Itachi’s ribs. But it’s not a wound that Itachi holds Shisui accountable for, not really. Painful though it may be, it’s not as if Shisui is thoughtless or intentionally cruel; it’s merely a side-effect of Itachi’s most closely guarded--and frankly most terrifying--secret.

Often, Itachi has considered telling Shisui the truth, fantasized about what the various outcomes of such an action would be. Still, each time he’s come close to confessing, the words sitting precariously on the very tip of his tongue, Itachi swallows them down like a bitter taste. After all, there’s just no neat and tidy way to say, “I’ve loved you since we were children.” So, Itachi says nothing at all, day after day, month after month, year after year.

“Are you even listening to me?” Shisui asks, in the whiny tone of voice he always gets when Itachi isn’t giving him his full attention. On any other person, it would be an annoying affectation, but Shisui has a way of making even his worst traits charming.

Yet another truth Itachi refuses to tell him. “I’m riveted,” he replies dryly, never taking his eyes off the book in his hand, fighting a smile as Shisui groans in frustration. 

“You’re a terrible friend,” Shisui says, his faux-offended expression lingering on the edge of Itachi’s vision, and in response Itachi lifts his book to block out the sight of Shisui completely.

“The worst,” Itachi hums in agreement, finally giving into a laugh when Shisui grabs the novel he’s been only mildly interested in and chucks it out of Itachi’s reach. Raising an eyebrow, Itachi looks at the discarded tome, its pagings rustling in the breeze, before glancing back at Shisui. “A bit excessive, don’t you think?”

“How come we never have these conversations about your romantic woes?” Shisui retorts, and the question is so unexpected and uncomfortable Itachi feels the neutral mask of his features start to crack.

“What?” 

Watching him critically, Shisui sits up, resting his cheek in his palm as he leans more of his weight across Itachi’s body. “I’m serious. All the times you’ve had to listen to me bitch and moan about this stuff, and not once have you ever chimed in with problems of your own. What gives?”

“Perhaps I don’t believe in kissing and telling,” Itachi replies, tone more clipped than he means it to be. Though he doesn’t resent Shisui for his curiosity, a part of him can’t help but be annoyed that somehow such a finely trained officer doesn’t realize he’s stepped on top of a massive landmine. 

Rather than take a moment to read the metaphorical room, however, Shisui presses on with his typical single-minded focus. “Oh, come on,” he argues. “It’s just us, Itachi. You know you can tell me anything.”

Despite his best efforts, Itachi can feel his stomach clenching at the proclamation. For a moment, he weighs the pros and cons of what admitting the truth would be, and is displeased to discover what the best option is. “There’s nothing to tell,” he says, shrugging as if the words don’t mean a thing, and carefully keeps his eyes off Shisui’s face.

The funny thing about Shisui is that, for all his gifts with the Sharingan’s manipulations and illusions, he’s a shockingly open book outside of his profession. Surprise paints itself across his face, all wide eyes and an open mouth, and against his will Itachi feels a flush burning at the base of his throat. “Wait, seriously?” he asks, voice low as if they’re trading secrets of national security rather than engaging in petty gossip. 

In response Itachi tugs his legs out from under Shisui, taking an unkind satisfaction in his friend’s grunt as he hits the ground. Still, the movement is, in Itachi’s mind, a tactical retreat; there’s no need to feel physically trapped when Shisui already has his metaphorically pinned down. “I’m gonna kick you.” 

“Don’t,” Shisui mutters, whiny again, as he grabs Itachi’s leg with his trademark speed. The touch burns against the bare skin of his ankle, and Itachi shakes him off with a scowl. “I’m not being an asshole--”

“All evidence to the contrary,” Itachi cuts in, annoyed.

Graciously Shisui ignores that and continues, “It’s just surprising, you know? Because you’re… Well, you.” 

Itachi feels his stomach twist. “What is that supposed to mean?” 

Shisui looks at him, and absurdly Itachi feels like an opponent on the wrong side of Shisui’s kunai. “Nothing, I guess,” he eventually offers, quietly, and the statement is so outside of Shisui’s typical cheerful, confident persona that Itachi can’t help but feel profoundly unsettled.

The truth is he’s kept himself guarded in this fashion for a variety of reasons, some he can admit to Shisui and others he’d rather be disemboweled than confess to another living soul. Part of his reluctance stems from the plain fact that he’s simply too busy with other matters to commit to dating of all things. Between his obligation to his village, his devotion to his brother, and his own ambitions at eventually securing the Hokage’s chair, he doesn’t have time to waste on a frivolous matter like courtship. 

He also knows that, somewhere down the line, his father will no doubt want to marry him off, eager to pass on the talent and promise of the esteemed Uchiha prodigy. Frankly, the man would have probably done it sooner if he hadn’t felt some gratitude towards his son for working with Shisui to end the feud between their clan and the village, thus granting the Uchiha a much higher standing in Konoha. But at twenty-three, Itachi knows he can’t count on his father’s good graces much longer, meaning the inevitable grows that much closer with each passing day. 

The other issue is… a bit more delicate. Itachi’s far too pragmatic to invest in the concept of virginity as something sacred, something special to be shared with exactly the right person at exactly the right time. But it does strike him as unfair to go to bed with a person and offer them a lie instead of himself, knowing that for every moment spent together his thoughts will be firmly locked onto someone he can never have. 

Rather than reveal any of that, however, Itachi simply says, ���Sex has never been a very high priority of mine.” 

“That’s kind of depressing,” Shisui replies. “You should get out there. Play the field, have fun.” 

Itachi’s just irritated enough at his continued cross-examination of his personal life that he asks the unthinkable: “Why, are you offering?” 

In hindsight, Itachi supposes that after carrying the burden of his feelings for so long such a slip-up was inevitable. But it feels less like an understandable mistake and more like a battlefield miscalculation, one dangerous enough to leave him wide-open to a counterstrike.

That in mind, perhaps it should come as no surprise when Shisui counters, ”Do you want me to?”

to be continued.