#It's very very effective. I remain a functional human being and I'm pretty sure the Aggressive Understanding is why.

[z-cerulean]

gonna write about ultrakill

i had meant to do this more for media but uhh I'm really good at not doing that anyway over christmas I was gifted some steam credit and decided to use it on Ultrakill

short abridged version for people not familiar, it's a first person shooter in which you play as a robot entering hell for blood (fuel source) because humanity has died out and in turn having the archangel gabriel set upon him by heaven. if you imagine quake mixed with devil may cry then that's basically this game, a fact it proudly advertises with www.devilmayquake.com as its website.

and it's very fun for it, i'm not ordinarily a shooter person but i got pulled in by the general theming of the game and then got to be bad at it. You more or less start with a basic revolver and then get other weapons over time, as well as mods for those weapons to alter their functionality and interactions with each other. rn there's five base weapons, all of which have at least one secondary fire mod and two of which have full alternate variations. There's also a set of exchangable arms to unlock (being a robot) that also affect moveset interactions, of which are very fun to play around with.

gameplay, you gradually progress through each of dante's nine layers of hell (of which as of writing, a prelude set and the first seven layers are playable). Pretty much all of these are completely unique, the prelude puts you some 2016 DOOM type early area

but then you get into limbo right after and it's

all of them stand out compared to each other, rn my favourites I'd say are Wrath, which follows an aquatic theming

and the most recent layer, Violence which I will save because that caught me off guard pretty much every level of it i reached.

The game completely nails its sense of atmosphere with basically every stage to an almost scary degree, and knows exactly how to change things up and when for maximum effect. There is a full history and lore for the game, not all of which is fully known due to early access, of which is only initially told through environmental storytelling and then fleshed out via enemy bios.

My only real 'complaint' as such with the game comes in part from a couple side areas. The game's developer's sense of humour, while it is generally pretty funny and rarely affects the core game, does have a couple side areas where i feel the atmosphere somewhat suffers for having to accommodate youtuber shoutouts (though this is not extended to Gabriel, voiced by Gianni Matragrano, he remains in character the entire time), which is not really a huge deal more so than just kinda more noticeable given how phenomenal the rest of the game handles itself.

minor complaint though it's still a really good game I strongly recommend. pretty sure its next major update should be its last, for the final two layers, and there's still more than enough game to occupy you even outside just a standard playthrough.

basically ultrakill good strong recommend. especially the violence layer.

[crystalkleure]

I think this isn’t widely known. The desire to explore dark topics and grisly situations in fiction doesn’t necessarily come from the desire to partake in those things in real life, and frustration at the inability to do so.

It actually often comes from the exact opposite. It comes from fear.

It comes from the fear of potentially eventually being faced with those horrifying things in person. By exploring them in fiction, a person is allowed to plan out how to navigate the distressing situations without actually being in them. They are able to construct an intricate, detailed, horrible scenario, which allows them to grasp an understanding of it and thus subsequently puzzle out what can then be done to deal with it. Closely examining all the gory details of a gory situation, laying them out like a blueprint [or a map], is in fact crucial for then cathartically deconstructing and subverting it. Their subconscious is trying to figure out how to protect them from something that has been identified as a potential threat.

Humans are afraid of things we don’t understand. We are hardwired to fear the unknown, it’s a basic survival instinct. So, therefore, the key to fearing something less is to understand it more. Dissecting it, researching it extensively, and, often, fantasizing about it -- imagining what you would do to stay safe from it and/or brace yourself for it if you were hypothetically unfortunately ever actually faced with it, are cathartic behaviours.

Because it’s fiction, the methodology is not always realistic though, because it doesn’t have to be. A person who fears death might write about a character being brutally murdered, but then continuing to exist in some sort of afterlife. It’s still a case of “examine this horrifying situation and figure out how to make it fine,” it’s just that rather than “figure out how to avoid death in the first place,” the soothing “it’s fine” outcome the writer is exploring is “death is maybe not actually that bad.”

A person who is terrified of abduction might also write about a character who befriends or seduces their abductors and is thus unharmed by them. This is unrealistic, and is thus arguably pretty useless for the subconscious purpose of making the person actually better prepared for potential abduction IRL, but it is still successful at quelling their fear of it. And if their fear is irrational in the first place, they have no logical reason to think they WILL be abducted IRL, there’s really no need to be realistic about how to deal with it then -- they just needed some anxiety abatement.

Someone who is afraid of vampires might pretend to be one, attracted to the logic of “If I am this Powerful Thing myself, I can stand my ground against the other Powerful Things!”

Someone who is afraid of, I don’t know, vomiting [emetophobia is actually one of the most common phobias], might even develop a sexual fetish for vomit, because fear and horniness actually can’t coexist. Your brain can’t be in Fuck Mode and Fight Or Flight Mode at the same time. Monkey Brain says fucking’s gotta wait until you’re safe, because you’re vulnerable when you’re getting it on, so as a result of that, Monkey Brain assumes you must be safe if you’re in Fuck Mode. This is probably why you see so much porn of horror media monsters; someone can trick themself out of being afraid of something by figuring out how to be horny about it instead. The Horny overrides the Anxiety.

Fantasizing about how to outright avoid something scary is one Anxiety Countermeasure, but fantasizing about how to gain control of a scary situation -- and thus take its power away -- is also very common, and can manifest in many different ways due to the specificity of each individual person, and each individual hypothetical situation being examined. Planning on how to cope with a stressful situation may even be more healthy than trying to avoid it outright forever, in some cases. The two mental tactics might also coexist, like a Plan A and Plan B. Our brains are very messy and complicated.

[musicallisto]

the most you could potentially pay for giving birth is the car parking fee tbh,,, as for actual treatments, your health insurance covers up to 80% of hospital costs and sometimes 100% of pharmacy costs for prescribed medications. Say you break an arm in France; the total cost of the ER + surgery + anesthesia + overnight stay + cast & sling + medication is around like 1500€, which is approx. $1600

hold up,,,,, this has to be a full on ask because !!!!!!!! i'm cRYING?????

we all know the E.R. is expensive as hell, but you're telling me an E.R. overnight stay, and a super deluxe pack of surgery with your essentials is only $1,600? did you forget a zero, clara? pLEASE tell me you forgot a zero,,,, 😭😭😭😭😭 i've never broken an arm, but i just phoned a friend who did, and the surgery alone cost ~$15,000. admittedly, they didn't have insurance at the time, so that jacks up the price, but i still weep for them. 😭😭😭😭😭 a typical overnight E.R. stay in my state (minus any kind of tests) is ~$1,400 (with insurance) alone. can you imagine with a surgery? and medication is hell, i tell you. my little sister has asthma and for one (1) of her required inhalers, it's around $250 a month after insurance. 😭😭😭😭

if you want, i could pull up my medical records and tell you what it was for my heart surgery after insurance (which was a valve repair, wayyy cheaper than a replacement), but i'm pretty sure you'd cry.

interestingly enough, though, dental is pretty much the same! my sister got her wisdom teeth out (only 3 tho) and it was about the same price. i'm not sure how good or bad our dental is, though. i want to say it's good, but idk.

sadly, though, i don't have optical insurance, so that's a lot™.

in conclusion: i'm crying.

✧˖°࿐ I am 100% serious and I did not forget a zero! I used to go to the hospital all. the. time when I was a kid because I had severe allergies, and the last time I went (I was around 6) and they ran a battery on tests on me, my parents did not pay a dime. Or like, a ridiculously low price that insurance didn't cover. How it works is the public healthcare system (called Sécu) pays for 80% of the price for everyone regardless of insurance, and then if you have an insurance they cover the remaining expenses. According to a 2012 study, the average cost of a surgery in France was $5300 for heavy surgeries, and $1500 for light ones (which rounds up to $1060 and a whopping $300) after the Sécu has worked its magic). I found another, more recent article that claims a day at the hospital costs approximately $1500, and a day in intensive care is $3500. But what you really pay if you don't have insurance is more around $300 and $700 for intensive care. In some cases the Sécu covers all of your hospital charges and you effectively pay a grand amount of $0 without insurance (but that's rare cases, like a prolonged hospital stay or reconstructive surgeries).

I'm baffled that a hospital stay could be so expensive in the US, like,,,, how do you guys live?? I understand now why Americans are so prone to smiling through the pain and going to the doctor only when they're on the brink of death because holy shit- another instance of you being so much tougher than us lol

I'm curious about your medical records, even if I don't want to breach your privacy of course! But I feel like we will both just weep. Also, I do not want to shatter you but I checked the price of an inhaler in France and it's... $4. (According to Google, because my asthmatic friend is telling me it's more) Tell that to your sister and see how she reacts because I'm honestly crying for her 😭 When I was highly allergic I had an Epipen on me at all times (a pleasure many know too, I'm sure!), and one of them cost my parents something like $28.

(Ok, I'm not saying I don't believe you but I HAD to do some research because there is no way that an inhaler is so expensive. Like you need it to BREATHE?? but alas...)

(there is no way that's real. There is NO WAY that's real.)

Funny to see that dentistry is the same though! I had the nightmare helmet machine that Katy Perry has in the TGIF video (or the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory thing) + braces so I know what it's like and it's a PAIN. And glasses are SO expensive too??? Like I just want to see,,, be a normal, functioning human being,,,, not run into every fucking lamppost on the street,,,,, I'm very short-sighted so my lenses are thick af and last time I changed them my glasses were like $800?????? bitch?????

no but also - you guys have different insurances for different things?? like you have one insurance for the dentist, one insurance for the ophtalmologist...??? i'm,,, i'm feeling anxious.

one last thing we need to discuss in the price of PHONE PLANS in the usa... i mean this is not a phone plans in the usa are overpriced thing, it's more so that phone plans are cheap as hell in France (because there's a lot of competition? idk shit about economics). i have nightmares on the daily when I think about your phone plans,,,

[a-method-in-it]

I am not sure why this response is worded as though I was arguing with anything you said. I 100% agree with you that voting is crucial. I said as much very plainly. But since we're here, I have a few things to say in light of this response.

Thing The First

I am well aware that unions are able to organize effectively in the U.S. because we have a legal framework that grants us legal legitimacy and curbs the worst abuses by the owning class.

In fact, I'll do you one better: There is absolutely zero historical evidence that labor is able to win against the combined forces of capital and the state. When the state is neutral in a labor dispute, unions win a majority of the time (but also loses in a significant number of cases). When the state actively takes the side of capital, labor loses every time.

I just spent several years doing labor activism under a majority-Trump-appointed NLRB. Under Peter fucking Robb! You do not need to tell me elections have consequences.

Joe Biden has actually been great for organized labor. The Amazon Labor Union victory on State Island would (probably) not have happened without the Biden-appointed general counsel of the NLRB negotiating a deal whereby Amazon was forced to agree to let people discuss unions on the premises, for instance.

And yet the PRO Act remains un-passed, despite Democrats having both chambers and the White House. There are structural changes that could be made now that would outlast the Biden administration and yet no one seems interested in doing that.

I believe in voting, but I also refuse to pretend that reality is not happening right in front of my face. Electoral politics -- at this time and in this place -- are not sufficient.

Thing the Second

The reason I got a 26% raise a few years ago, the reason my health insurance plan is locked in and my premium increases are capped, the reason I have job security protections and bereavement leave, the reason queer people are protected from discrimination in my workplace no matter what the law says -- None of that stuff came from voting, at least not in the way you mean.

I didn't get that by voting for a specific person who promised me that stuff to be elected to a position of power and then they delivered. I got all of that because me and my co-workers all walked out of the building three or four times. I got that because we marched on the boss. I got that because 90% of us voted to authorize a strike.

And the company caved. And we got our contract.

You say there are only three ways that people can affect change through nonviolent means, and this fits none of them. We didn't get to vote in a new business manager or new corporate ownership; we have no impact on that at all. There were a few instances where we were able to shame management, but those were extremely rare; I'm pretty sure most of them were immune to shame. And nothing we did carried a threat of violence.

What it did do was what's called "disrupt labor peace." It interfered with something they wanted: a functional and profitable workplace. We made it clear that there was no functional workplace, no profitable workplace, without our agreement. And to get our agreement, they gave us most of what we wanted in the end.

I don't blame you for having a very limited understanding of how people can exert power. We live in a country where these sorts of things are not intuitive. But human beings have been finding creative ways to undermine and exert influence over power structures since long, long before our modern idea of voting was ever a thing.

Once you stop limiting yourself and start imagining the possibilities, whole new horizons open up.

Thing the Third

Given the choice between people who say you shouldn't vote and people who say you should, I will always pick the people who say you should.

Like, we're three or four bad election cycles away from going back to the days where people who do what I do get shot. Please vote.

But this is part of what frustrates me about people who do believe in electoral politics. Often times, people pay lip service to the idea that voting isn't all you should be doing -- but they don't seem to be doing much else besides telling people to vote.

And when people are like "Here's some other stuff you can do in addition to voting" all too often, the response is stuff like this: People acting as though any non-violent activism beyond voting is just categorically impossible.

(Which feeds right into the hands of the hardcore accelerationists, btw. Because people can see that electoral politics isn't working all that well and if you implicitly tell them that's the only non-violent option, some sizable chunk of people are going to say, "Well, okay, might as well try guns, then.")

So if we're agreed that voting is important but not sufficient in today's political climate, then here are my questions:

Are you calling your elected representatives? Regularly?

Are you organizing groups to go to their meetings in your district to pressure them in a coordinated way? (And are you being strategic about media coverage when you do that?)

Are you showing support to election officials and progressive school board members who are under attack right now by right-wing pressure groups?

Are you protesting or providing protest support?

Are you donating to bail funds and to non-profits?

If your job isn't unionized, are you trying to do that?

If your job is unionized, are you involved in your union? I can almost guarantee that if you ask if there's stuff you can help with, the answer will be yes. Because as I mentioned in my first response, the amount of work that goes into union stuff is a lot.

Are you providing support to organized labor, such as material support to striking workers or signing pledges like the No Contract No Coffee pledge to support Starbucks Workers United

Is there a tenant's organization in your town? Could you start one?

Are you part of a progressive organization like your local DSA?

Are you volunteering with organizations that advocate for immigrants or children or the incarcerated or unhoused people or women seeking reproductive care or a million other vulnerable groups?

Are you trained in community self-defense?

Have you talked to your church/synagogue/mosque about becoming a sanctuary site for immigrants?

Do you belong to a mutual aid group? Could you start one?

I'm not suggesting you do all of this -- no one could; certainly I haven't. But I am active with my union and with my local, I donate to a bunch of causes, I call my state and federal reps at least once a week, and I volunteer as a clinic escort. It's not world-changing, but it's more than I would accomplish by just voting.

Thing the Fourth

This is incredibly petty and I debated including it, but: At no point in history has Wisconsin ever had anything approaching 50% of its workforce in a union. Union membership peaked in Wisconsin in 1989 at 20.9% of workers, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. But yes, over the past ten years it has indeed fallen, from 13.3% in 2011 to 7.9% in 2021, a decline of about 40%.

Thing the Fifth

Anyway, the moral of the story remains to please vote. Like, please also do other stuff but also vote. I really don't want that message to get lost since it was the whole point of my response.

Since I'm seeing anti-voting posts on my dash again, and Tumblr is even *recommending* them to me, let's be clear about this--

Voting is one of the most basic tools for participating in American government and policy. It is not perfect, but it is there.

The people who say that change is possible without voting, that protecting minority interests is possible without voting, rarely lay out a course for how those things could be accomplished.

Sometimes, they make vague promises that "activism" and "pushing for change" is what is needed instead of voting. This makes no sense. Engaging with elected officials is an inherent part of activism. Voting is a way of engaging with elected officials. Voting is activism.

No, some say. Not that kind of activism.

Okay, then what kind of activism?

Historically, the only way to accomplish change without voting is through physical force, i.e. warfare.

That's right. Warfare. Like the Civil War, or I guess what we will soon be calling Civil War I. There are, of course, other names for this besides warfare. Rebellion, revolution, extrajudicial killings. They all involve violence, they all involve killing people, and they all involve killing bystanders. They all also involve massive deaths on your side as well as the other.

But no! you say. What about Gandhi? Well, Gandhi was one actor in an anti-colonial movement that also involved violence and physical force. People died--more Indians than British.

Are deaths as part of a revolution or war worth it? That is a separate discussion to be had. I'm not commenting on that here.

I merely want to highlight for anyone who has not read between the lines that change, without voting, is very unlikely to occur without widescale violence. If you are promoting anti-voting rhetoric, then by default, you need to be okay with this possibility.

If you are not okay with that possibility, then you need to rethink what you are doing.

[saranel]

I have been lurking here for ages and have finally mustered up my courage to ask a question. I have been looking and looking for days but have found nothing about. I was just wondering because the last time we saw, Kisuke was facedown in a pool of blood. I know Nel was there to rescue them but I was wondering how do you think she did it and in what condition the 4 of them were in and how were they treated? Okay I think I'm rambling on now but I was just curious because I have seen nothing

Also tagging @ichiyuki, who more or less asked the same question

Okay, first off, I’m always open to questions, even if it takes me a while to answer the more complex ones :) But for future reference, if you’re just naturally shy, I also accept anon messages!

All righty, let’s do this…

I love Nel’s design so much

(Operation Save Urahara and co’s Asses, under the cut!)

Right, so! 

Last we saw of Nel in 666 (see above), she was gearing up to enter Askin’s ultimate poison sphere to rescue Urahara’s group.  Small digression here to talk about who exactly is included in said group:

Four reiatsu signatures.  The natural assumption here is that the four individuals are Kisuke, Grimmjow, Yoruichi and Yūshirō.  But back when the chapter was first released, many people (myself included), wondered whether Yūshirō was actually trapped in the dome to begin with.  The theory was that Yoruichi and Askin’s skirmish moved the battlefield a fair distance away from Yūshirō. Remember that this was back when we were wondering if perhaps Soifon would show up to rescue him, or Askin would survive and be captured as a hostage (I’m still heartbroken this didn’t happen ;-;)

Given how the series ended, however, plus the fact that Askin’s kamikaze attack can only be activated upon his death, I think we can safely assume the four signatures were indeed Kisuke, Grimmjow, Yoruichi and Yūshirō. 

I think a lot of the drama surrounding the possibility of their survival was the result of an iffy translation, considering Kisuke’s own ‘last’ words and Nel’s in this panel:

The tone here could be taken to mean that Nel is fearful she might never see Ichigo again, but a better translation of the last two panels should clear things up:

Nel: How many reiatsu are inside……four……? // At least two round trips, then…… // The entrance is…… // Huh?! // It’s tiny! // ……If I’m honest��� // I would have preferred to go with Ichigo, but……

In this translation, it’s made clear that Nel is talking about making two trips, plus her tone sounds more wistful than anything, her lamenting the fact that this will take a while so she won’t be able to catch up with Ichigo. 

So, Nel talks about having to make at least two round trips, obviously grabbing a pair of them each time and then diving back again.  I have a feeling that Nel was asked by Kisuke (and also made the same judgment call herself) that she should first rescue those who were worse off.  And since Yoruichi and Yūshirō should be closer together, my guess is she grabbed those two first, to put an end to further exposure to the poison.  Remember that Yoruichi had already reached her limit in 663 and Yūshirō was in bad shape himself back in 662.

Originally, I would gave dismissed the possibility that the number of trips has to do with distance, given the fact that Nel could easily go in Sonido mode and cover it in a sec. However, it is possible that just like Shinigami were unable to form stepping platforms, the heavy atmosphere also leaves them unable to Flash Step, or at least as effectively (unless I’m mistaken, Kisuke does Flash Step behind Yoruichi in 662, but in general, Flash Steps weren’t used a lot in the final battles).

I’d say Nel is strong enough to carry at least two bodies per trip, so I guess distance might indeed pose an issue, at least in Yūshirō’s case.  So if we want to add a bit more drama here, we could say that Nel ended up having to make two trips just for the Shihōin sibs, then rushed in at the very last minute to rescue Kisuke and Grimmjow.  Even moar dramaz?  She rescues Yūshirō/Yoruichi, realizes she’s cutting it close and makes her second trip for Kisuke and Grimmjow, only to have Kisuke send her away, insisting she save Yoruichi/Yūshirō first.          

Whatever the configuration, I’m pretty sure she made it.  Even if you don’t take the WDKALY novel as canon (where we get confirmation that both Kisuke and Yoruichi made it), I never really doubted they’d survive.  Nel’s presence in 666 serves no purpose otherwise, and if only some of them were meant to make it, you’d think it would be at least mentioned as a tragedy.

I mean, initial shock aside, Kisuke looks pretty damn impassive at the situation since he’s already planned for it.

That’s a bit too chill for a man who is very close to death.

So, Nel brings all four bodies to safety, then gets to work.  I assume that all are either unconscious or in a position where they can do next to nothing, which means Nel has to heal at least one of them first.  Given the fact that he can concoct an antidote and is an overall talented healer, it makes sense that she would heal Kisuke first.

Liek dis:

I can’t recall if Nel’s super healing drool is also an option when she’s in her adult form, but hello, this is Urahara we’re talking about.  He’s got it covered:

And people thought he was just messing around, tsk, tsk… 

In all seriousness though, the bracelet thingy makes perfect sense.  Nel lost her adult form when Nnoitra bashed her skull open, and she kept leaking reiatsu constantly, at a greater pace than she was creating it, leading her to regress to her child form.

That ‘bracelet�� Urahara gave her? Remember what’s located on the wrists?

Listen, I will drag Kubo for a number of things, but peoplewere unfair to accuse him of being inconsistent and invoking lolscience to fill a problem’s particular needs.  At least in Kisuke’s case, he has always, always given him both the time to work out solutions and had said solutions work within the universe’s established rules.  Yes, that includes the bankai pills, the human shell he made for Isshin and even Yoruichi’s Thunderkitty form.  It’s all there. 

So by simply removing the bracelet, Nel allows more reiatsu to leak out of the vents in her pulse points, and can return to child form to use her Super Drool to heal at least one of them back to full health (presumably Kisuke).  And I say at least one, as it’s highly possible she needs to heal herself as well after being exposed to the poison.

She heals Kisuke, who in turn gets to work on the rest of them.  I assume he tackled Yoruichi and Yūshirō, leaving Grimmjow up to Nel, since she has a much better understanding of Arrancar physiology.  Yup, that was totally the reason.  It’s not like he wanted to collect any future blackmail material, no siree.  A framed copy of this was Ichigo’s High School graduation gift, btw. 

After that, I assume Kisuke was reasonably worried over Yoruichi, who received the heaviest blast of the poison for the longest time, so naturally, one would think he’d lean over her with concern as she opened her eyes, at which point she’d sock him straight in his remaining functional eye.  To his credit, Kisuke takes it without a peep and lets her have his haori. Yūshirō is terribly confused.

So there you have it! Meta and headcanonz, hope you enjoyed the read, friend :)

[boofrp]

1 (more coming) I'm a little confused about your situation. I understand that you don't feel comfortable disclosing all the details with people online, although I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you're asking for donations. I realize mental health plays a big part in the reason why you're unwilling to get a job, but... If I were in your shoes, and I was stuck in a toxic environment, I would be doing whatever I could to ensure I was out of that situation.

[CONTINUED] Sure, offering resources for small fees can be helpful, but there are people out there giving them away for free - so how far can that really get you? Eventually, you’re either going to have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and do what’s best for you, so you can escape the toxicity, or you’re going to be stuck there forever. Personally, I think it’s time to grow up and realize you’re not going to make a living off of selling resources. I just think it’s very unfair to those of us who are working for our own money, and I believe you’re completely capable of going out and seeking employment. Yes, you have issues - but so does everyone else. There are people who are way worse off than you are, I’m sure. I’m not trying to be rude, but I’ll admit I’m a tad bit suspicious. A piece of me believes you’re just trying to get whatever you can out of the community, as if they owe you something. You’ve been known to lie before, therefore I just can’t trust your story and accusations. Sorry.

   i actually wrote a long ass reply to this but because my computer crashed right before i was about to post it, i lost everything and need to start again lmao. ANYWAY. i never once thought that in a community that is branded to be a “safe haven” and an “escape from life” that i would be thrown some bullshit like this at my feet, making me feel anything but safe or comfortable. honestly there are few messages i have received during my time on this account that made my stomach drop to my feet. this includes messages coming straight out and telling me to kill myself - that i can handle.

 but something like this, honestly made my stomach drop and i hope you’re happy because when i first read this last night i began gagging/feel nauseous and then had a full blown anxiety attack and breakdown. now i’ve had some sleep and i’m not reacting as badly as i did at first to this message but i’m still shaking and feeling incredibly sick because: fuck you. now i really hate explaining myself and trying to “prove” myself to people that really do not deserve the time of day from me, but i guess i should have expected this because there are some really fucking toxic people in this community. lets get to the fun part, my actual replies to the points made in these horrible messages !!

POINT A: “if i were in your shoes i would be doing anything to get out of your ~toxic~ situation” --- first of all, be fucking thankful you are not in my situation because it SUCKS. it really sucks and experiencing this level of pain on a daily basis whilst trying to remain positive is really fucking hard. and guess what? YOU’RE NOT IN MY SITUATION. therefore you have no right to sit back and play commentator on everything i have said and done. let’s get that straight. now i have fucking tried to get out of here. let me make you a nice fucking list because you probably won’t settle until you have all the information from me.

>>> i have applied for ten jobs in the space of two days, all of which i was qualified for or they offered training for if i wasn’t. all of the answers were the same: we have filled the spot or you’re not what we’re looking for. and i have to admit my resume is pretty fucking lit because of all the things i achieved before my mental health destroyed my life. >>> i have babysat for a woman who years ago traumatized the FUCK out of me one day and i don’t want to go into specifics but it was really hard to put aside the fact that she made me run home in tears to my mum when i was 12 for a stupid reason. >>> i have considered asking my sister if i could move in with her. get this, any other time i wouldn’t even think of it because: a) she lives in a small three bedroom house - by small i mean really fucking small. b) she has a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter as well as herself and her boyfriend so you can imagine how much space they have already taken up. OH and she’s having another baby so they would be struggling to even fine space for them. c) i know that if i live with her i will only be able to have a suitcase of my possessions and would have to sleep on the floor, yet i still consider it and am close to asking. d) i have practically lived with her for a month and had a complete breakdown at the end because i was treated like a babysitting machine instead of a human and being an introvert, when spending so much time with people i need time for myself to regenerate but because the house was so small and the children wouldn’t leave me alone - i broke down. >>> i have done things to get $5 that i do not want to talk about because i know that if i even told my family i would immediately be disowned and i am not proud at all about what i’ve done to EAT FOOD. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. >>> and lastly, i’m asking complete strangers for money - something that i have struggled with all my life is asking people for money, even asking my mother for $5 for school when i was younger invoked anxiety. but here i am.

POINT B: “sure you can offer resources for money but how far is that going to get you? people already make them for free” --- do you REALLY think i came into this thinking that selling resources was going to pay my rent? do you REALLY think i’m dumb enough to believe that i could actually live out on my own with just commissions from people online in exchange for pixels that will be meaningless in a few years? HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM? you know what, $5 every now and again isn’t going to pay for my funeral insurance or my wedding in a few years, but $5 NOW is going to buy me a pretty decent fucking meal for once, it’s going to buy me a part of a ticket out of this small town. in the long run, $5 a week is going to add up and its going to HELP. also, there must be a reason more people are taking commissions each day - because there are actually people in this world who are fucking KIND and i like to believe in those people. paying commissions isn’t even buying my resources to me, because i know these people can get it anytime they want for free. no, it’s like a pat on the back or like paying someone a tip. IT’S JUST BEING FUCKING THANKFUL. if i had money i would be tipping my friends all the time. but i don’t.

POINT C: “it’s unfair for those of us who are working for our money” --- i’m,,, sorry. IS MY MENTAL ILLNESS A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO YOU? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY HALF OF Y O U R LIFE, MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY IN THE WORLD? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R FRIENDSHIPS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS TURN Y O U R CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENTS INTO APPOINTMENTS WITH A PSYCHOLOGIST, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND FINDING WAYS TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOL LIFE MORE COMFORTABLE SINCE YOU WERE LITERALLY TWO STEPS AWAY FROM KILLING YOURSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MORE TIMES YOU CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U ATTEMPT SUICIDE TWICE BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN SIXTEEN? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS EFFECT Y O U IN YOUR WORKPLACE TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WERE CLOSE TO GRABBING THE NEAREST PLASTIC BAG AT YOUR REGISTER AND PULLING IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND SUFFOCATING YOURSELF? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE Y O U BULIMIC AND ANOREXIC? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS MAKE IT HARD FOR Y O U TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT WANTING TO FUCKING DIE? DID MY MENTAL ILLNESS DESTROY Y O U R BODY IMAGE? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

POINT D: “you’re capable for going out and looking for employment” --- please refer to my next answer to another anon who is a fucking dick too.

POINT E: “you’re just trying to get shit out of the community cause you think it owes you something” --- again... FUCK YOU. what the fuck have i done to make you believe i’m that shitty of a person? and if i was trying to scam this community out of money or whatever the fuck you think i’m doing, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THREE FUCKING YEARS IN THE MAKING, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW I COULD MAKE A FEW CENTS USING ADF.LY LINKS. i have lied about things in the past, but things that i a) owned up to and b) were NEVER about my mental health or my living situation. i’mm fucking SURE that if you go through my blog you will find me talking about how fucked i am in life. this isn’t some story that i shit out yesterday for money, for fucks sake. if it seems like i suddenly have all these problems - i’m fucking great at pretending i don’t want to be alive and that i hate myself.

POINT F: “i’m not trying to be rude” --- YES YOU FUCKING ARE. IF YOU WERE NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SELF AWARE OF IT AND PUT YOURSELF ON ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IF YOU KNEW THAT THIS WASN’T RUDE, YOU WOULD HAVE COME OFF OFF OF ANONYMOUS, FOR FUCKS SAKE. but of course this isn’t fucking rude it’s just picking away at my life and trying to make it sound like i’m a fucking asshole because i am literally suffering in my own home :~)

     you know what? there is no way i can possibly come to a nice conclusion about this message in a sentence or to. so here is all i’m going to say: a) i’M NOT COMING TO YOUR DOORSTEP AND ASKING YOU SPECIFICALLY TO HAND ME OVER $2 SO I CAN BUY DRUGS OR WHATEVER THE FCUCK YOU’RE THINKING and b) YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING DESERVE AN EXPLANATION FROM ME BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. i don’t know what the fuck you want from me. my family is in $7k debt from my mum’s boyfriend’s mum’s funeral a month ago. do you want the fucking death certificate? do you want to see the flowers we got from her funeral insurance? DO YOU WANT A WHOLE FUCKING LIVESTREAM OF HER DEAD BODY BEING LOWERED INTO THE FUCKING GROUND? OH FUCKING HELL, DO YOU WANT TEXTS THAT GO BACK YEARS BETWEEN ME AND MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF ME CONSTANTLY TELLING THEM I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD WHAT I EAT IN A WEEK? DO YOU WANT ME TO RECORD MY MOTHER TELLING ME I’M BEING FAT AND TO STOP EATING? DO YOU WANT ME TO HANG MYSELF IN PUBLIC JUST SO YOU CAN FUCKING SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IT? i don’t know what the fuck you want from me and what your great plan was when sending these messages, but i hope you’re fucking happy.