#It's the worst snowball effect
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I have some kind of chronic depression. It's not there every day, but it always comes back at least once a month. And most of this depression all stems from the fact that I feel like time has been going too fast and I haven't had any time to process anything that's happened in the last year or two. Going back from 2019-2020 to now, I've dealt with:
• Starting High School
• Leaving Physical School due to COVID
• My Mom Died
• I turned 18
• I had to go back to physical school
• I learned I was graduating last year
And so much more. It makes for an awful situation and I've just felt terrible. And yet nothing can dispel these awful moods. I hate it. So very much. And the stupid rainy weather today (and yesterday too) has increased my feelings of sadness ten times over! I hate it!!! It's so stressful!!!
#stress#stressed#autism#asd#actually autistic#audhd#It's the worst snowball effect#and nothing completely fixes my issues#adhd#autistic#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#vent#school#high school#elementary school#university#college#i hate time#and I hate the rain#sigh...
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i think its some of damiens responsiblity to think what kinda relationship he cultivaded with his fans. and why is centering his need for explaning, defending and further protecting his self/image is his knee jerk reaction. unless you do those things a social media break is just another way of image management. plus it wont feel better when you come back and you are still centering your image which causes you too act defensive/childish. you cant support things thru acts of fear and nervousness and not expact them to crumble! i know people joked abour his virtue signalling in the past, and they are jokes, but its a curious thing people notice that around him enough to point that out. i hope he can actually look into that part of himself with a more honest critical lense.also these twitch stream where he wants this magicaly ''positive'' enviroment where people can ''escape'' is just unrealistic at best. this is a livestream where people rush on each other to talk to you. its by nature feeding into these things im afraidi positivity is not the warm blanket you think it is, its more of a trap lol
#some thoughts#blocking fans in general is a very emotional but stupid move lol(to me) as a somewhat public figure he must understand that block feature i#practically useless to him other than get his frustration out maybe for a minute? then what?#it only creates a snowball effect.#idk its feels counterproductive altho i can still understand where the frustration is coming from#stan twitter can be nasty. getting cussed by 17 year old with no emotional regulation and too much time lol#anyways this is absolutely not about him having the perfect response/apology.. that'll happen and idc about pr managing his reactions lol#also personally i dont find the joke much of a big deal. its whatever. lazy lowblow at worst#he just needs to be realistic about his internet presence and how it interacts with his defensive/nervous personality#and in grand scheme of things the way he interacts with ''activism''.. its not for him/about him.#at the end this reaction is a part of him! he can do what he will with that#hope he has people around him that can be critical about his intentions/reactions without it being taken as a personal attack
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explaining November 5th to someone after the fact is even more impossible than on the day itself btw. "So you recall the 2020 presidential election," (<- words of an insane person)
#November 5th#sats speaks#it was this snowball effect and the growing and spiralling list of elements WAS the thing#destiel went canon in the worst way possible years after everyone had stopped watching DURING a pandemic WHILE we were waiting for#election results#AS Georgia flipped blue AND Putin 'decided to step down'#genuinely you HAD to be there
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my ass will say “my anxiety’s not that bad” and then i turn into a 40yo helicopter mom when latke acts even slightly off kilter
#she’s having butt problems and i had to put the cone on her so she’d leave it alone we’ll leave it at that#starscream.txt#the worst it probably is is a mild infection#but it’s more likely just tummy upset from the other day having a snowball effect#she’s probably fine i’m just!!!! y’know
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This weeks mood really is getting increasingly tired of seeing platforms become openly hostile to the kinds of people who make the platform successful -n-
#artists have been actively anti genAI for like 2 years at this point now.....#you cant NOT know about that#yet all the main socmed is ALL IN on selling images uploaded to them to these models -n-#its a snowball effect in my mind of just seeing every platform get specifically worse for people who just wanna share their draws....#and how its slowly become EVERY major platform over the last few years#and everyone talks about going elsewhere but they DONT and now youve just made accounts across all these sites#but theres like no audience there because no one wants to BE the audience...#this isnt even getting into the kinds of people in power being... the worst kind of people to HAVE in power#and they just prove it again and again and again and AGAIN#im tired im so tired#i just wanna have a space to ramble and to put up a draw and for some people to go 'hey nice draw' :(
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I.R.I.S // Jake Seresin
Summary: When Jake Deadman Seresin spilled some drinks on you at the Hard Deck, the last thing he thought would come of that would be an entanglement that could ruin his entire career.
Warnings: Age Gap. Jake Seresin x Younger!Mitchell Reader. Smut! (18+ Content) Bradley Bradshaw x Platonic!Mitchell reader.
Chapter One: Hangman Head // Jake gets a blowie in the car park after he spills his beer on you, only to find out he’s your TopGun Instructor.
Chapter Two: Locker Room Meltdown // Jake has an existential crisis in the men’s locker room.
Chapter Three: Shower Sex // You and Jake come to an agreement that ends up with you both caving and getting into more trouble in a spare shower stall.
Chapter Four: Backyard Brodown Barbecue // After being lured into your bedroom to receive some of the best head of his life. Jake is subjected to your mischievous ways around your dad and uncles.
Jake Gets Distracted
Chapter Five: Premeditated Murder // You send Jake a risque picture of yourself while he is sitting in the Rec room with your dad.
Chapter Six: hiding In Plain Sight // After a confrontation turned sour which turned into you giving Hangman head under your dads desk, you overhear something you probably shouldn’t.
Pre Flight fight
Chapter Seven: H_ngm_n’s Sleep T // Mav goes to investigate why you haven’t gotten out of bed on a morning you have to be on base at 8am. Only to discover you’re wearing a certain someone’s shirt.
Chapter Eight: Lunchtime Lovers // When Jake finds out you quit the TopGun program, he goes to your house—only then does he realise he forgot his lunch.
Are Iris & Deadman exclusive?
Chapter Nine: The Mitchell Effect // You and Jake make things a little more official and Jake confirms his suspicions. He’s addicted the the thrill of being found out.
Chapter Ten: Snowballing // People are finding out left and right about your relationship with Jake and it all comes to a head when Phoenix gets wind of the situation.
Chapter Eleven: Implosion // Things take a turn for the worst when Rebound sees you lock lips with Lieutenant Commander Seresin right before a training session.
#jake hangman seresin#jake seresin fanfiction#jake hangman x y/n#jake seresin x reader#jake hangman x reader#jake seresin x y/n#jake seresin fic#jake seresin x you#jake seresin x f!reader#jake hangman imagine#jake seresin smut#hangman smut#hangman x reader#top gun hangman
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NSFW ENEMIES TO LOVERS HEADCANONS
!! ft. Ramattra & Reaper
!! 18+ • NSFW
!! RAM • DomTop! Ramattra, Ambiguous Reader Genitals, Brief interrogation, Hatefucking, Degrading, Facefucking
!! REA • DomTop! Reaper, Ambiguous Reader Genitals, Pegging if you're a v haver, Degrading, Threats, Claiming / Marking, Choking, Overstim
RAMATTRA
RAMATTRA WHO...
Isn't quite sure how this happened.
You fucking hated each other.
Hate's a strong word for Ramattra, but he was willing to use it for you.
He knew how it started.
You two were fighting each other and he got you pinned down for the first time ever.
He could've killed you, he should've.
You were everything he hated.
But he could feel arousal coming off of you, which fired his own sensors.
He picked you up and took you to his base for "interrogation," effectively holding you as a prisoner.
And after you sit for a while with him in silence, he tells you what he felt when he pinned you down in the most smug voice.
"Do you get aroused every fight we have?"
And when you try to deny it, he knows right away you're lying.
Snowballed from there, really.
Next thing both of you know, you're on the table as Ramattra fucks your brains out.
You didn't even know Ramattra had a dick..
His thick and long cock, pounding into you at a brutal pace as he gropes you hard enough to leave bruises.
"You fucking slut.. So desperate to be used like the fleshlight that you are, that you'd fuck the omnic that wants your head. Fucking pitiful."
And when you tell him to shut the fuck up?
You're earned with a swat to your thigh and a particularly hard thrust, both leaving you moaning louder.
"Tell me to shut up again."
And you do.
So he pulls his cock out of you and walks to the other side of the table where your head hangs off.
Without warning he shoves himself in your mouth, thrusting himself down your throat, forcing you to take every inch of him.
This is something that started to happen regularly.
You'd fight, one of you takes the other back and you end up both end up a mess.
Over time, though, things got... nicer?
He'd be less degrading, less rough with you.
It hits you like a freight train one day.
After a particularly hard thrust that hits you deep, you cry out..
And he stops.
"...Did I hurt you?"
REAPER
GABRIEL WHO...
Hates your guts.
And the feeling is mutual.
Every little thing he does seems to get on your nerves.
Calling you enemies is a massive understatement.
You so often try to kill each other when you're not fucking.
When I say fucking, I hate kill fucking, a more intense version of hate fucking.
Usually, he's thrusting into you at a rough and brutal pace, choking you as you try and claw his hands off his neck.
Not because you're not into being choked, but because you don't want him to have the satisfaction of you completely submitting.
Usually, all dirty talk is him degrading you as you spout threats at him.
"You think I'm scared of you while you're cumming your brains out, wrapped out on my cock? You're pathetic."
Your "retort" is usually a threat to make his pain worse interrupted by a moan.
He laughs at you for it.
You swear that stupid fucking laugh of his makes you want to fucking kiss him.
kill.
Makes you want to kill him.
He lives to make you overstimulated on his dick.
Lives to bring you down a leg by showing you that your worst enemy knows exactly how to pleasure you until you're a bumbling mess.
He fucking loves to embarrass you by leaving marks all over your skin.
He consistently leaves dark hickes around your neck and shoulders, relishing in the fact that everyone that sees will know you're his..
To destroy.
You're his to destroy.
Pins your hands down when you get too handsy for his liking.
"Stop touching me like I'm your lover. I hate you and I will never like you."
Though, some days, it sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than he's telling you.
As you're riding him one day, things come to an abrupt stop
He's just as degrading and rough as ever, saying how pathetic you are as he guides your hips up and down his cock.
You place your hands on his chest, running them over his muscles to steady you..
He grabs your hand and you expect him to yank it off of him, saying what he usually does.
"Fuck, keep touching me like that.."
#overwatch#mdni blog#18+ mdni#overwatch ramattra#ramattra#ramattra overwatch#overwatch 2#overwatch x reader#overwatch x you#gabriel reaper reyes#reaper overwatch#overwatch reaper
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every storm runs out of rain | Rhett Abbott x Reader
Word Count: 17,000 Cross Posted on AO3 Warnings & Notes: AFAB!Reader, Hanahaki disease, soulmates AU, childhood friends to lovers, alcohol, food mentions, vomiting, first kisses, thunderstorms, (temporarily) unrequited feelings, almost kiss, unprotected sex, eventual happy endings 🌹. Vaguely based on the Gary Allan song of the same name. Brief Summary: It's a cruelty you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. The perpetual ache of your heart, longing for a man who was never meant to be yours. Everything about him is as if he's made for you, and yet, your tattoos don't match. You're not made for each other.
It's hard to tell if the feelings started with the stuffiness in your lungs or if it's something that has always been there.
An indescribable sort of longing that has flown beneath your radar for the better half of a decade. The kind of thing that has let you assume a false sense of comfort under the title of childhood friend.
Best friend, if Rhett has a few drinks buzzing through his system. Two shining plaques with your name written across them in bold letters.
But neither of them are what you and your dumb heart crave. The pride of being called his significant other is a feeling you will never know, so long as your tattoos are around to remind you that they don't match. So, so close in nature, and yet, they're not the same.
It's a cruelty you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. The perpetual ache of your heart, longing for a man who was never meant to be yours. Everything about him is as if he's made for you, so perfect he could fit into your life like a puzzle piece, and yet fate has destined him and you to fall in love with strangers. Not each other.
Never each other.
That tickling rises in the back of your throat. Snowballing larger and larger until you can no longer—
A horn blares.
Your head jerks back toward the street just in time to see the passenger door of an old GMC squeal open. Rhett. Leaned all the way across his bench seat, hair in his face and all.
"Y' comin' or not?" He chirps, already beginning to impatiently pat on the cloth seat, beckoning you in like he would a stray cat.
In this cold little town, your heart burns a little warmer.
How he got here so fast, you'll never know, but you've never been more thankful for it. Water splashes beneath your feet, darting toward his truck and away from the crowd of people raging on behind you. Up into your designated place in his passenger seat, slamming the door closed before you've even gotten settled, effectively shutting off the thumping music and flashing neon lights.
"How did you know where I was?" Because last you recall, you never told him about where you were headed tonight.
Rhett just hums, the noise lost to the rumble of his truck engine. "Recognized the floor in the picture y' sent."
Of course, that would be one of his many odd talents.
"Being able to identify a bar just from the floor tile might mean you have a bit of a drinking problem, Cowboy," your eyes roll, shifting to rest against the door.
"Listen," the streetlight catches in his eyes, lighting them up with a memory, "that checkered pattern is cute 'til your head stars spinnin'."
He's...got a point.
Ugh.
The silence that falls into the truck is a comfortable one. It's the kind of quiet that lets you hear the impatient drum of his fingers, dancing to the soft drone of his radio set to an old country station. Backdropped by the sound of water spraying beneath his tires, washing away weeks upon weeks of built-up dirt from the ranch.
His whole truck could use a good wash, but it won't see a bucket of soap and water until he scores another date with some no-name from the rodeo grounds. Or alternatively, you show up in the middle of the night and scrub it from top to bottom.
Your phone lights up with a text asking about where you went. Sent from some guy you cared so little about that you haven't even bothered to save his number in your contacts. But as you move to unlock the screen, it opens up to a different set of messages.
You: Nothing quite like being stuck at a bar, waiting on your designated driver to decide she wants to leave. 10:47 PM
Rhett: What's wrong? 10:51 PM
You: I told a guy I didn't want to dance, and he 'accidentally' spilled his drink on me 🙄 10:51 PM
You: But my ride doesn't want to leave for another hour or two. 10:52 PM
You never noticed the message that was sent right after yours.
Rhett: On my way 10:55 PM
Maybe not every man in this world has gone to shit.
Rhett's hand bumps into your chest, some kind of gray fabric balled up in his hand, "here."
You've seen this old shirt before; it's the first thing he ever bought online, hadn't realized until it arrived that it was a few sizes too big for him. Not particularly ideal for a cowboy who can get caught on equipment, but perfect for your impromptu sleepovers.
"You still have this old thing?" You're already beginning to tug your damp T-shirt over your head. Potential onlookers be damned, you're ready to be free of the overwhelming whiskey bitterness reeking from it.
The back of his knuckles graze up your naked side, guided by the thin path of a decade-old scar. A branding from younger, brighter days; the ones when Cecelia would let you spend weekends on the ranch. Waking up at dawn to help Rhett with his ranch chores because the quicker things got done, the sooner you got to run down and play in the creekbed.
"Still can't believe that piece of glass marred ya like that," Rhett mutters after a long moment. You can't see into his thick skull, but you've got a feeling that he's got a similar memory flickering through his mind.
"To be fair, I did fall on it," slipping your arms through the clean shirt, you pull it over your head, and once again, that old scar is out of sight.
That half-hearted chuckle sends a warmth rushing through your veins. The exact one that shouldn't be there. But he hasn't the slightest clue of the wildfire sitting next to him, back to tapping along on his steering wheel as he drives through the main stretch of town. Past feedstores, tourist shops, dinners, the grocery store, and every other little niche boutique hidden between.
"Thank you." You hardly recognize that it's you speaking. Hadn't realized it was your voice until the sound of it met your ears.
It's a little too quiet in this truck.
But Rhett just reaches over to shake your shoulder. "Y' don't gotta thank me for shit like that," for a fleeting second, he's got just enough time to look away from the road and offer you a lazy smile. "'s what friends do, ain't it?"
Your chest feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. Meek, you nod, attention suddenly on the floorboard and nothing else—nothing else to say.
Yeah. That's what friends do.
He doesn't make mention of it, but you've got the feeling that your SOS text must have interrupted another one of his dates. A pile of rose petals rests at your feet, scattered as if they've been swept off the seat in a hurry to make space. Caked in mud and the rainwater that tracked in from your shoes. Storebought, that much you know for sure.
Roses don't grow in Wabang.
The next time you see him, it's planned.
You have, for some reason, allowed yourself to become roped into the craze of Wabang's beloved Sugarbeet festival. Right smack dab in the middle of some old ranching land that the county bought some years back. It would have been a pleasant idea if the festival was hosted in spring or autumn and not in the blistering heat of summer. Not an ounce of shade to be found, nothing but cheap tents to protect you from the beating sun.
It's the kind of misery that makes the outdoors feel like a goddamn oven, and heading out to start your car is its own kind of devil. The air jammed in your AC blasts your face with the boiling winds of hell itself. So damn intense that if Rhett's truck weren't crawling down your driveway, you would have canceled and called it a day.
And you're so glad that you didn't, because good lord.
The last thing you expected was for Rhett to hop out in that unbuttoned flannel, broad chest on display for all to see. The sleeve falls just far enough from his shoulder that you can see the scar hiding below his left collarbone.
"Quite the festival outfit you've got," you chirp, dragging your eyes away from his bull tattoo and over to a nearby tree, feigning interest. The back of your throat is starting to tickle, lungs tight as you fend off the urge to cough. Not here, not here, not here.
He laughs, "What, y' don't think I look good like this?"
You do, but he doesn't need to know that. Not in the slightest.
"Its...certainly a choice," faking a grimace, you turn your attention back to your car, slowly but surely growing cooler the longer it runs. A pleasure that Rhett and his broken air conditioning unit haven't known since last summer.
You don't mind the idea of it staying broken if he keeps showing up at your house looking like this. Even if that does mean that you become his ride on the hotter days, fearing an onset of heat stroke.
The passenger door is silent as he opens it. No longer squealing due to whatever he and Royal did to it last weekend. Being friends with a family of DIY ranchers has its perks.
Thunk_
"Shit."
You blink. Was that...?
Yeah.
It was.
As if last time wasn't enough of a lesson, Rhett's got his knees pinned up against your glovebox, the seat too far forward for him and his big body to fit. Though this time, he isn't hurriedly pawing at the seat levers like he'll die if he doesn't get any more space. Instead, he's resigned to a frown. More annoyed with himself than anything.
"You alright there?"
Rhett's sigh is so heavy that his shoulders visibly deflate. "Yeah," reaching off to the side, pushing the seat back as far as it can go. "Humbled, but 'm alright."
It's toward the end of your drive that you notice the flower petals sitting on your dashboard. Roses, you think. It must be what you get for leaving your windows rolled down all morning, vulnerable to adventurous squirrels and other varmints that enjoy trespassing into property they don't own.
They're certainly not from you, and you would have asked Rhett if your destination hadn't come up so quickly. Fighting for a parking space in the withered grass is a bigger task than folks let on. Even with folks on the ground, pointing you to the perfect spot, someone will always try to steal it out from under you.
For a festival in such a small town, there is a hell of a lot going on inside of it. Food trucks, concession stands full of sweet treats, craft booths, and cheap knick-knacks bought offline to resell under the guise of being handmade locally. Apple bobbing, the duck pond, and ring toss. There's a precariously placed dragon roller coaster and a horse carousel that Rhett tries convincing you to get on.
Worse. There are so many people. Faces you recognize and those you've never seen before. Waiting in lines and shoving themselves between you and Rhett because the small gap between your shoulders looked like a good opening to get somewhere quicker.
"'s a lil crazy out here, don't ya think?" Rhett's asking through a laugh, once again stepping over to you. Two kids dart between you, their hands occupied with bags of fake goldfish.
Only took a decade for them to learn not to hand out live fish. You can still remember the three you and Rhett got when you were small. One didn't survive the drive back to his house, and the other two managed to stick around long enough to see New Year's.
Rest in peace, Goldie Junior and Patches.
"I think it's always been crazy," tilting your head to cough into your elbow, dislodging that goddamn tickling sensation—you look away before you can see what it is.
There's a girl off to the side, staring in your direction. Or rather, Rhett's direction. Long, wavy hair and a delicate sundress, the kind of woman who looks like she's walked right off the beach cover of a magazine. Her warm gaze has long since settled on Rhett; it's a look you've seen a million and one times at the rodeo. The one that gets him a little weak in the knees.
You look away as quickly as they flickered over there. If you don't make eye contact, maybe she won't come over to introduce herself.
"We weren't that bad, though," but then, pausing to look at you, concern lacing his narrowed gaze, "...right?"
Rose-tinted memories flicker through your mind. Rhett falling and breaking his wrist after taking you out on a green horse. Trespassing onto the Tillerson property to play with Luke and Billy, only to get hauled home in the back of a police cruiser, 'cause their momma didn't care much for you two. Getting busted, sneaking out your bedroom window to go spend the night with Rhett. All those times, you had to run through back alleys together because you'd been caught out after Wabang's curfew.
"I like to think we were relatively well-behaved," concluding after a moment. Though your families may have a vastly different opinion on that.
Laughter rumbles from you at the same time it does from Rhett, shoulders bumping together. Sends a little shock of warmth rippling through your bones, twisting around your heart like briars.
Maybe the conversation would have lasted longer if you didn't get distracted. Rhett lays eyes on a truck dedicated to a locally crafted beer, and the small frame of a self-serve station from the local candy shop catches your attention. It only makes sense that you would step aside and regroup in a few minutes. You're in desperate need of a breather before that girl works up the nerve to approach him and turns you into a third wheel.
There's more to this little station than what initially met the eye. It's shelves full of caramel apples, peanut brittle, fudges of every flavor you can imagine, covered pretzels, cookies, and hard candies galore. And here you thought that it would have been wiped clean by the folks who came early in the morning before the sun could reach mind-numbing temperatures. Even your favorite candy is here, the last box left on the shelf.
The price is a little steep, but the flavor of them on your tongue is enough to distract from the pained cries of your wallet. If Rhett knew these were here, then he absolutely would have skipped out on beer in favor of convincing you to split them together—the candy mooch.
But you must have taken too long to make your decision because you don't see Rhett. Not by the crudely decorated truck, and he said he would be waiting next to the old wooden bench under the oak tree, but it's entirely empty. Not a cowboy in sight. That stuffiness arises in your throat again.
Maybe he's...
"Hey!" A herd of kids are darting around you. Like a bunch of cats scrambling from the bang of a tractor. One slams into the side of your leg as she rushes past. It doesn't affect her in the slightest, but your feet stumble. Knocked off kilter. Your open container of candy threatens to spill onto the dirt.
But then another kid is bursting through the crowd, and this one...
You recognize this one.
"Amy?"
She doesn't need to say a damn thing. Her wide eyes tell all you need to know.
The crowd is too tall for her to see over it, but as she tugs you along behind her, you've got the feeling that she knows exactly where she's going. Navigating the festival based on terrain alone, over thinly spread gravel, and down a broad dirt path. Her hand clings to your wrist so tightly that her knuckles have gone white.
You don't know who she's bringing you to or what could have happened. But it has to be something. Perry could have fallen into another one of his rages. Rhett very well may be doing something dumber than getting a DUI on the back of a horse. Or, or—
It's both of them.
Perry's clawing at Trevor like a goddamn cat. His teeth bared like an animal. Crazed. Feral. Someone's got him by the collar. But it's not doing anything. He barks something incoherent. Jabbing a pointed finger at Trevor. Amy's shoulders jolt. Squeezing your wrist impossibly tighter.
Plaid shirts scuffle behind them. Cowboy boots and Prada sneakers kick up plumes of dirt. Two brick walls slamming into one another. Caught in a spiral until someone makes the first pull backward. Luke's fist connects with Rhett's jaw.
Flower petals burst into the air.
All of a sudden, Luke is jumping backward, his palms raised to the sky. A rare white flag. One that you didn't even know was in the Tillerson arsenal. "I'm sorry, man," is all he can say. Pale as a damn ghost.
Almost pale as the baby pink petals fluttering onto the dirt floor.
"Is that..." Amy's the one to break the silence, looking your way as if you hold all the answers. In a sense, maybe you do. "I thought it was a myth?"
Air catches in your windpipe. Feels like you're about to choke. "I did, too."
What the fight was over, you're not sure. It couldn't have been something serious; they've dropped the issue far too quickly for it to be something worth fighting over. There and gone within the blink of an eye. The Tillerson brothers are dispersing into the crowd without another foul word, Rhett's wordlessly pawing at the fresh red mark on his jaw, and Perry's barking something you don't care to hear.
Amy's long nails are biting into your skin, threatening to tear through and draw blood, but you can't ask her to loosen up or let go. The sting is half the reason you haven't unraveled like a loose ball of yarn. It isn't enough to stop your lower belly from twisting and turning, a bitterness rising in the back of your raw throat.
"Sorry," Rhett's voice comes so suddenly that you jolt.
"I leave you alone for five minutes." Your tone comes out blander than you intended, doesn't match the roll of your eyes, deliberately avoiding the sight of flowers lying in the dirt.
He must catch onto it because his frown deepens. But he doesn't say anything, and neither do you. Only offering a wave and a forced smile when Amy ultimately ventures off with Perry for another one of his ice cream apologies. Those seem to be happening more and more lately.
Hypothetically, someone should say something. Explain what the fight was about, how he got across the festival so damn fast. Was the beer any good? Want to share this candy before your jaw starts to ache like a bitch? The words are flickering through your head a million miles a minute, but not a syllable makes it to your tongue.
"It's over someone at the bar," Rhett's admission comes in the tune of a guilty child confessing to breaking a vase. Meek. Like he'll fall apart if pushed any harder. "If that's what y' were wanderin'."
Falling back into the character of annoying best friend is easy. All you've got to do is throw your weight into his side, not strong enough to deliver a playful shove. "So there really is another person stuck with that god awful tattoo," letting your mouth rise into a smile, almost thrilled to be pulling this off so well.
"Hey!" He's pushing you back, laughing, though he's careful not to knock you off your feet this time."'Least mine ain't a shoe."
Defiant, you raise your left arm, the tattoo on your wrist just as dark and bold as it was the day you were born. "It's a lucky horseshoe, thank you very much."
And just for a little bit, you can deceive yourself into thinking you can still breathe.
You never do put the passenger seat back into its place. It's so far back that you catch yourself thinking it's not there at all; more than once, you clamber into the vehicle and think someone has robbed you of it. A part of you wishes it would happen. That some ridiculous bandit would break in and take that seat.
It would be doing your dignity a favor; you're acting as if he's dead.
You passed his truck on the way over here, parked outside the Handsome Gambler. If you weren't worried about wrecking, you would have tried to get a glimpse through the open door to spot him with his shiny new soulmate.
A good friend would stop in and say hello; if she makes Rhett happy, then you should be happy. It should be on the forefront of your mind; you're three stores down from the bar, but your feeble heart jerks in your chest with a familiar sourness. Hand trembling, struggling to hang onto this little bag of chips.
A good friend would be happy for him.
But you're not a good friend.
And if this cashier doesn't hurry up, you might also become a horrible customer. Your stomach is twisting like you're about to puke, something bitter rising in the back of your throat. Damn near dropping the receipt when she hands it to you, shoving it into the bag, and darting out the open door.
You hardly make it to the edge of the sidewalk. Keeling over with a wretched noise.
But the only thing that comes up is the shit that's been lodged in your chest all afternoon, stubbornly sitting in your chest with the weight of a damn elephant. Refusing to move, restricting your airway until you crack, and confess your feelings to a man who was never meant for you.
"Hey!"
Bleary, your eyes peel open. Really hope they're not talking to you.
"I have your sidekick!" Sherrif Joy's voice cuts across the night air like a knife. Swift and straight to the point.
Turning your head might be the thing that puts you on the ground, vision spinning like your eyes have gone loose in your skull. Funny. You can almost deceive yourself into thinking that's Rhett she's towing along.
Maybe because it is him. Boots dragging against the sidewalk, shoulders so loose that they sway in the wind, eyes hardly open, simply led along by the hand Joy has on his bicep. You've got just enough time to paw at your mouth with your sleeve before she's close enough to notice that something may be off.
"I know he's not your responsibility," the glint in her eye suggests she's getting more amusement out of this than she should be. Probably because this wouldn't be the first, second, or third time that she's sought you out. "But he wouldn't shut his mouth when he saw you."
Rhett's grin is too bright for his flushed face. "Hi."
You don't need to look at your phone to know that it's too damn early for this, and yet, you can't seem to muster up the slightest bit of irritation as you ask. "How are you already drunk at eleven at night?"
"I—" Hiccup. "Been here all evenin'." Shreds of red rose petals cling to his lips, flaking off with the movement of his mouth and fluttering to the ground like rain.
Oh, Rhett.
"If you don't want him, I can bring him to the station," Joy always says this, the same damn line over and over, as if she doesn't know what you will ultimately say, "it's no big deal for me."
Looping your hand through the handle of your grocery bag, you reach out to take Rhett by the wrist. He comes to you easily, long arms reaching out to wrap around you, clinging like an oversized piece of velcro.
"I'll take him," feigning annoyance is impossible when he's smiling at you like that. Drunk but completely and utterly happy to be with you.
If only he looked at you this way when he's sober.
Getting him to the car might be the hardest part of this excursion; it takes you and Joy to get him into your passenger seat without banging his head on the roof like last time. But this isn't your first Drunk Rhett Rodeo; Lord knows it ain't Joy's either. It might even break your previous record of five and a half minutes. Not that you were counting.
"Where we goin'?" He chirps the moment you've clambered into the driver's seat.
"Home." It's the only response you've got. Not entirely sure if he's got the capacity to follow long sentences.
But his head cocks to the side like a goddamn puppy. "My home, or...home home?"
Ice forms in your wrist. Suddenly caught before you can turn the key in the ignition. Is he...? It's gotta be. What else would he be referring to?
"Home home?" More of a question than anything, but he's not sober enough to notice the difference. That grin simply grows a little bigger. His boots kicking against your floorboard, happy as a clam in high water.
It doesn't fade, either. Even as you get the car going, and he fusses about leaving his truck behind, he doesn't lose the excitement that bloomed the moment he laid eyes on you. Content to sit here and let you drive, looking out the window and commenting on whatever he sees. The crazy lady on Second Street has added more flamingos to her lawn hoard, and someone's mailbox has been knocked over. What does that sign say over there?
"So what's your soulmate like?" You ask, reaching to turn down the radio. "You haven't said anything about her."
Rhett's shoulders rise and fall with a shrug so subtle that you nearly miss it. "They're alright," pause. Then, a weary laugh. "I jus' wish they'd like me back."
Yeah. You understand the feeling.
He doesn't seem to notice the petals clinging to the lower strands of his hair and into his flannel, hanging off the edge of his pocket and accumulating in his lap. They're identical to the ones sitting on your dash, dry and shriveled from the sun, bouncing as your front tire hits a pothole.
Now that you give it some thought, you suppose that's why he's drunk.
"My throat hurts," he grumbles out of the blue, rattling you from the sanctuary of your thoughts.
You hum, not entirely there. "Getting sick?"
Quiet, he reaches into his flannel pocket, producing a small assortment of something green. Rose stems, their thorns stained with crimson. There's no way that he's...
Your tire smacks the edge of a curb. The steering wheel yanking out of your hands.
Shit.
Right. The road.
"You've been coughing those up?" Voice strained by your heart, sitting high in your esophagus. You're so damn lucky that was a concrete curb and not another car.
And yet, you dare to peer at him through your peripheral. Those stems still resting in his big palm, as if he doesn't have the strength to put them away again. You reckon he's not sober enough to have noticed your mistake. He would have commented on it by now, making fun of it as if he's any better of a driver.
"Fuckin' hurts," it comes out softly, a confession that his own ears are afraid of.
And it's the kind of statement that echoes throughout your car for the rest of the drive. Rattling between the pauses between songs and bubbling to the surface at every lull of the music. Clouded over by too many wonderings of how long he's been quietly dealing with the roses growing in his lungs. A condition so extreme that the stems are beginning to come up, too.
You would ask why he's never told you about this, but...
Rhett's head cracks against the window with a heavy thunk as you pull into the driveway. So sharp and sudden that you fear he's broken the glass. But the only wound to come out of it is the red spot on his forehead, the color already rising to the surface by the time you put the car in park.
"Did that hurt?" It's impossible to ward off the lightness in your tone; a smidgen amused.
"Nuh-uh," but he's rubbing at it like it does.
You shouldn't have believed him, either, because by the time you get him through the door, it's already begun to swell. Miniscule at first, but if you give it some time, it'll grow into a proper bump. One that he'll grimace at in the morning but will lie through his teeth when you ask if it's hurting him.
If he were sober, he would be nipping at your palm for daring to venture near his face; you can hear it now, the prematurely yelped "'m alright!" before you've even opened your mouth. But he's not sober. Has to put his hand on your waist to stabilize himself, not entirely aware of how you're curling your hands around his cheeks, holding him still.
You don't think this one will rise too horribly, but you've been wrong before. Like how you insisted the cut on your side was just a scratch and wound up needing more stitches than you knew how to count.
"Will you let me put ice on it?" You find yourself asking, your fingers drifting up to smooth over the bump.
Defiant, his head shakes.
"What if I order a pizza? Will you let me then?" Trying again. But even at the prospect of his favorite drunk snack, he's not interested.
"Ice cream?" No.
"A movie?" Wrong again.
"Two movies?" Nope.
"A promise to never speak of this again?" Nada.
Huffing, you let go of his face, throwing your hands in the air instead. "Is there anything I can bribe you with?"
His brows furrow. A thought flickers behind his eyes.
Slowly, he nods.
You've got a bad feeling about whatever this could be, but God, it's too late for you to care. "What is it?"
Even if he would have let you go on for the next century, you would have never guessed that he wanted this.
Here in the soft sanctuary of your cozy little unmade bed, nestled beneath the myriad of sheets and blankets that you swore you'd throw into the washer three mornings ago. There might be a few crumbs left over from your snack last night, too distracted by the video on your phone to notice the mess until it was too late.
The state of it all would bother you under normal circumstances, but you reckon you're getting contact drunk. Head spinning at the sight of this cowboy, snug as a bug in your bed, his cheek squished against the spare pillow. His arm has wound up draped over your side, over the sheets, and you can't remember when your hand drifted to his face, thumb swiping back and forth over his scruffy, unshaven jaw.
For once in your life, you can breathe.
You've started to forget what that was like.
He's so unnervingly close that you reckon he can hear the hammer of your heart rattling against your chest like a caged animal. Furious. Determined to burst through and spill its contents for him to see. The devil on your shoulder suggests that you should let it happen; chances are, he won't remember any of this come morning. But the soft, whiney voice of the angel reminds you.
Rhett's got a soulmate. And it isn't you.
"What made you ask for this, anyhow?" The sound of your voice comes as a surprise; one of those thoughts that have journeyed to your mouth, rather than staying up in your head.
Those sleepy blues peel open; maybe the slightest bit cross-eyed perfectly matches that crooked little grin. "'s like a sleepover."
There's a word you haven't thought of for a while. Probably hasn't surfaced in your vocabulary since your early teenage years, arising in arguments about how unfair it was that hitting puberty meant no more sleepovers. It was okay before, so why did it become a problem when your ages started ending in 'teen'?
Hesitant, your attention drifts to the tattoo on your wrist—that not-so-lucky horseshoe. A symbol that only became a problem in your second year of high school when your heart decided that it wanted your best friend over a soul mate. "Like the ones we're banned from?"
"Uhuh," his foot juts out to kick your ankle, "'cause we're too damn old."
You're kicking him back before you can think twice about it. Old habits be damned; you're not letting him get a shot in without getting one yourself. But he's already fighting back, socket feet smacking against yours. Tangling. Fighting to get one punch in over the other. His leg bangs against your knee. Your hands lightly shove against his chest.
All of a sudden, Rhett's lurching forward.
The room spins.
And you're lying on your back. Caged beneath the broad frame of a man proven to handle animals over a thousand pounds heavier than you. His hands planted on either side of your head, knees straddling your hips. Long hair strays into his face, slipping out from behind his ears, but it's not enough to block your eyes from locking.
You're itching to reach up and tuck it back into place. To drift your palms across the roughness of his cheeks and trail a thumb over those thin lips. They're bitten to all hell, but try as you might, you can't imagine they're anything other than soft.
Time itself might have stopped.
God. You can't breathe. Don't know if it's from the infestation building in your lungs or the overwhelming scent of alcohol on his tongue.
Or maybe...maybe it's because he's gradually growing closer. Minimizing the gap between your bodies, inch by debilitating inch. An image plucked right out of your own imagination, replayed a hundred and one times.
But this version of Rhett doesn't belong to you.
The one in your head didn't reek of whiskey and beer.
"Rhett..." You're whispering as if anything louder will shatter you like glass. But he's still...he's still leaning in, and, and— "Rhett. You're drunk."
He freezes. Stiff as a board. Eyes so wide that his irises look tiny.
"Shit," jerking away as if he's been burned, "sorry."
This time, when his back hits the bed, your belly doesn't fill with butterflies. It fills with something much, much worse.
It's the silence that eats at you the most. He's right next to you, and yet, not a word can leave your mouth. What if you hadn't stopped him? Did he confuse you for the pretty thing at the bar, wandering around with the same marking as him? Your heart lurches in your chest, tummy twisting sourly. God, why are you even entertaining this sort of thing?
He's your friend. Friends don't think of each other like this, especially when one of them has a soulmate waiting on them.
A funny feeling swells in the back of your throat, stomach gurgling so loudly that it's got Rhett tilting his head to look at you.
"Are y—"
You're getting up before he can finish talking. Darting for the bathroom for the umpteenth time today.
You wake to an empty bed.
Sunlight trickles through the cracks in the blinds, illuminating the freshly made sheets that Rhett once occupied, tucked in the best he could get it. He's been gone long enough for them to feel cool to the touch, but you can't hear him moseying around your house, either.
Your bare feet drift across the chilly, wooden floor, still frozen with midnight's temperature drop. Where Rhett would typically bump the thermostat up a couple of degrees, today, it sits the same as you left it.
"Rhett?" Voice a smidgen too fragile for the hammering of your heart.
All you receive is an echo, variants of your own tune. His boots are missing from where they once sat by the front door, and when you creep far enough to peer through the kitchen window into the backyard, you don't find him there, either. The ice pack has been resting in the freezer long enough to begin hardening again.
And your phone left sitting on the counter overnight, contains a notification from everything and everyone, except for one man. Still the same text messages from three days ago, no matter how many times you refresh the page. But the magnetic whiteboard on the side of your refrigerator has a new smiley face on it.
...and the marker is once again missing.
With a sigh, you reach for the phone, fingers tapping away at the keyboard.
You: Hey, cowboy, you've got something of mine. 09:47 PM
It's not until after you've got a morning drink in hand that you recognize the tire tracks in your front yard. The grass flattened in the corner of your driveway in a fashion that only Perry Abbott can pull off. No matter how many times he's driven here, he's always overshot the turn and ventured into the lawn.
Your phone is still quiet when you cruise through town a little after nine. Rhett's truck is missing from its place in front of the bar, the space now occupied by a vehicle that the Abbotts can't afford.
On its own, your heart lurches in your chest. The tail end of a blue pickup is poking out from a streetside parking spot just down the main drag, and that's got to be him. You know this town like the back of your hand. There aren't many trucks that look like Rhett's. If you catch him now, maybe you can smooth things over regarding last night. Before the dust begins to settle and erode away at your psyche—
But Rhett's truck doesn't have stickers.
This time, you don't make it to the bathroom before that damned sickness overtakes you. Spewing onto the side of the road at the only red light in town, right in front of the old cafe with its outdoor seating.
A hangover would be more dignifying. At least then, a little old lady wouldn't be tilting her head at you, her kind, wrinkled eyes soft as she offers you a smile. You understand that look more than you'd like to admit.
It's the same expression you carried when those petals burst from Rhett's mouth.
You: Hey, cowboy, you've got something of mine. Yesterday.
Odd. Usually he responds fairly quickly, at least when it comes to him hijacking one of your belongings, but maybe he's busy. Summer has never been kind to the Abbotts, between blistering heat and cattle who love to take down the southern fences to get at the neighbor's grasses. Judging by the forecaster rambling on the news, things aren't about to get easier, either.
You: Hey, cowboy, you've got something of mine. Two days ago.
You: I'll give you a hint. It writes in purple ink. 07:33 PM
No dice.
How are you meant to leave reminders in the kitchen when a rogue cowboy has pocketed your only marker? It's barely been three days, and you've already started to forget things. Today was laundry day, but now you're standing here, swaddled in Rhett's oversized shirt because it's the only clean thing you have left. Maybe there is a benefit to not returning his clothes. You were meant to go get a spice for this new recipe but didn't remember until you were halfway into working on it. Come to find out, that recipe really, really relied on it.
You can try to blame your lack of an appetite on your cold, unseasoned dinner all you want, but it only goes so far. Heart lurching in your chest, as the screen lights up with a text.
Autumn: Still coming with us Friday night? 👀 07:51 PM
You: Hey, cowboy, you've got something of mine. One week ago.
You: I'll give you a hint. It writes in purple ink. Five days ago.
You: I'm going to call a bounty hunter if you continue this hostage situation. Three days ago.
You're getting sick of feeling your heart twist every time you look at this damn screen. But that stupid son of a bitch still hasn't—
"Excuse me," a lady whispers, squeezing past you, "I'm sorry."
The entrance of Odessa's probably isn't the best place for you to be checking your phone, now that you think about it.
That's alright; you're already sliding the device into your back pocket, reaching to catch the door before it can close behind her. You've wasted enough time for your friends to have already secured a spot at the Handsome Gambler. It's a wonder nobody hasn't given you a ring to make sure you weren't nabbed off the street.
Stepping outside does nothing to ward off the drone of multiple shop televisions. All of them moan about how another wicked storm is due to ravage Wabang and every town around it. Same channel. Same woman talking. Same obnoxious blue background. It's a tale you've heard so many times that you can nearly quote it word for word.
There's a serious storm rolling in tonight. Tornadoes and hail are possible. Here's what to do in a tornado. Do not do these five things in a tornado. Download the news app to stay connected. Tune back in soon to find out if the forecast has miraculously gotten better or worse!
Looking overhead, you can already see the dark accumulation in the distance, a humid breeze tickling your neck as it drifts past. It feels just like the night you and Rhett rode out into the west pasture to watch the storm roll in.
Sitting in the grass, watching those dark gray clouds roll closer and closer whilst the horses relaxed behind you, their attentions focused solely on the greenery below. You can still hear the tune blaring from the speaker of his phone. He'd really thought he was clever, playing that Gary Allen song about how every storm runs out of rain. It wasn't so cute when the south pasture flooded.
A laugh cuts across the evening air. Sharp and pitchy enough to have your head tilting in the direction of it. Right behind you, on the corner of the block.
Maria Olivares. That's a face you haven't seen in a long while. Wasn't she off to medical school, a couple hours away from here? Who in the world could she possibly be...
You know that cowboy.
Puzzle pieces click into place. The darkened mark gracing her inner wrist. Too small for you to make out. How she giggles and batts her eyes up at Rhett, as he talks about something in that wonderfully deep voice of his.
Of course, Rhett's soulmate would be Maria. How could it not be? No wonder why he was so crazy about her in high school; they've got the same damn marking on their bodies.
As if to spite you, a muscle spasms in the juncture of your wrist. Sourness bubbles in the back of your mouth, but for once, you're able to swallow it down. Not here. Not when either of them can turn their heads and realize that you're standing in the middle of the sidewalk, staring like some kind of creep. Even coming from a childhood best friend, that would be weird.
"Are you in line?"
You jerk backward. Wide eyes landing on the wirey frame of some middle-aged man standing in front of you. He motions, with the brim of his hat, toward the door. The Handsome Gambler. Your destination.
"Distracted," you blurt, scurrying to grab the handle before he can, "sorry."
"There you are!" A glass of beer rises from the opposite end of the bar. Autumn. "I was fixin' to come looking for you!"
You have to wait until you're within earshot before you can respond to her, squeezing past the group of cowboys crowded at the corner, watching a PBR ride on someone's cellphone. "I was eavesdropping," You supply, can't keep a damn thing to yourself these days, "Maria Olivares must be Rhett's shiny new soulmate."
Autumn's jaw slackens, eyes so big they might comically burst out of her skull, "are you kidding?"
One of her friends, you forget her name, gives you a gentle nudge with her arm. You suppose Autumn has already filled her in about your situation. "How did you find out?" Her tone is gentle, nearly washed over by the music blaring from the stereo.
"Saw them laughing together in the street." There's more to that statement, context, and a reason behind why you've come to that conclusion, but Autumn is taking a brightly colored drink from the bartender, passing it your way.
The Handsome Gambler and mixed drinks do not go hand in hand; there's always too much or too little of something. But out of the corner of your eye, you can see the door opening, two familiar frames entering the bar, the happy new couples themselves.
Tonight, you don't give a damn what these things taste like. So long as it makes you forget the sour twist in your chest, lungs tightening as if all the air has been sucked from them. Without second thought, you bring the glass to your lips.
It doesn't leave until it's halfway empty, and that's only because the need for oxygen has grown superior.
The lady behind the bar lifts a freshly cleaned shot glass. You've got a feeling that she's overheard your ramblings. "Need something stronger?"
She doesn't need to say another word. "Absolutely."
One shot.
Fuck this town.
A second.
And fuck Rhett Abbott.
You're feeling delusional enough to ask for a third, but Autumn's nudging you a glass of water instead. It doesn't have the same bite, but it's equally unpleasant against the back of your throat, still raw and sore.
Next to you, Autumn and her two friends are already delving into a new conversation. Something about the oddities going on around town and how some old man says he walked into a cave and saw a mastodon. You suppose there must be some inside group dedicated to continuing the claim because it's a rumor you've heard every year.
A smile fights its way onto your face. You and Rhett used to gear up and go mastodon hunting up on the old trails behind the Abbott property. Royal loved to ask what y'all planned to do with it once you caught it, but you and Rhett never thought that far ahead.
Your gaze follows the bartender, ready to ask for something sweet, but she's on the other end, gathering a dozen beers for a party that just walked in. Someone leans onto the bar. His head blocking part of your view. But then he looks over, and—
Rhett's eyes widen at the sight of you. By the feel of it on your face, the expression is mutual.
At least, it is for a second. That sourness jumps into your throat. Lower gut churning with a fervor unlike ever before.
"I'm heading out back," you blurt, hand rising to cover your mouth, "you don't wanna follow."
The girls frown, but they're certainly not making the risk to stop you. Autumn's already reaching for your drink, accepting your nod as a sign that she can finish off what you've got left. A voice jumps across the blare of the music. Almost sounds like the call of your name. But you don't have the luxury of stopping and looking.
Your feet are barely falling into line. Rushing to push through the men gathered by the back exit. Past the blasting jukebox. There's that tightness in your lungs again. A thick sensation rising higher. Higher. Higher in your throat. There's the door. There's the door. Your hands are reaching out. Grappling at the handle.
Hinges squeal open. Shoes scuffing on the concrete.
Vivid purple petals burst past your lips like goddamn confetti. Stems and all. Ripping past your already battered windpipe and sticking to your tongue, little bits of purple carrying in the wind.
Those three-petalled flowers were pretty until they started growing in your lungs. You can't stand the sight of them, but you've got no choice but to cough more of them up. As if any amount of effort will make them disappear.
A bundle of them have caught in the back of your mouth, stubbornly thwarting your ability to breathe. Light as a feather, your head spins, feet stumbling as you scurry to one of the chairs, sitting against the wall. The plastic groans under your weight, so brittle that it ought to give away at any moment.
Lightning flickers as another wave of flowers rain to the floor, and it's a wonder you can get these out at all.
The back door opens with a screech. Music pours through the gap, an incoherent tune so loud that you can hardly hear the thunder rolling through town. Someone in boots stumbles out, keeling over.
A bloodstained rose tumbles to the ground, pink and red petals dancing behind it, landing amongst your mess of purple.
When you lift your head, you know what you're going to see. But that doesn't make the look in Rhett's eyes any easier to bear. Some kind of hellish cross between horror and bewilderment that manages to look akin to a wounded puppy.
Not a word leaves his mouth. Doesn't get the opportunity to, for that matter, another plume of petals forcing their way past his lips before he can do anything about it. Just the sight of them has that tickle building in the back of your throat, but for the time being, your tank is empty.
Thunder booms as Rhett falls into the chair opposite you. His hand dips into his flannel pocket, producing...
your marker.
"'m sorry," he mutters, sentence broken by a cough, "Didn't realize I stuck it behind my ear 'til you texted me."
"Which time?" You can't help the bitterness seeping into your tone, plucking the little writing utensil from his outstretched hand.
His eyes dart away.
The tension in the silence doesn't come from the storm. Wind howling around the corner of the building, rustling through the trees. Lightning flickers, illuminating the world around you for the briefest of moments, and just like that, rain begins to fall. Coming down in a thick sheet, so strong that even under the awning, it manages to reach you, mist tickling your skin and dampening your clothes.
Idle, your fingers twist the marker back and forth; it's still warm from where it rested in his pocket, snug against his chest. A part of you wonders if he always runs this hot or if your hands are just cold from the Wyoming air.
"So you and Maria, huh?" Even with the roar of the storm, your voice is too loud; a megaphone in the library would be more tolerable.
"Nah, I just ran into her 'bout a half hour ago." Rhett's head shakes, eyes on the floor. "We were both goin' to the same place, 'n that was about it."
"Damn, and here I thought she was your soulmate." You hate that a selfish part of you floods with relief. So overcome with it that you can feel the way your shoulders drop. "It would have made for the perfect story."
You could have been the perfect story, too.
"I don't know why I liked her in high school," he's continuing, running a hand through his hair, fingers visibly catching on a tangle, "'s like talkin' to a fuckin' wall."
Of all the things you've imagined him saying, that wasn't even close to making it on the list. Though, you can't say he's entirely wrong; ever since that time you got paired with Maria for a history presentation, you haven't been able to see what's so interesting about her, either. Nothing but one-word answers and giggling with her friends while you worked on the assignment by your lonesome.
It may be petty, but you're still bitter.
"I'm sorry, I..." Rhett's talking again, caving to the silence that you've unintentionally put between you two. His hands fall into his lap, clasping together. Then, break apart just as quickly, one of them reaching up to rub at his forehead. "I shouldn't have tried to kiss you the other night."
"It's alright—" your tongue pauses before the rest of your sentence can follow. I wanted you to. But you're looking down at your tattoo, and it's still the same horseshoe. It doesn't match Rhett's.
It will never match Rhett's.
Finding your voice is damn near impossible, but you do it anyway. "You've done stranger things while under the influence."
"Like gettin' a DUI on the back of a horse?" He says it so bluntly that you can't help but sputter.
It's easy. Dissolving into laughter. Peering at each other through smiling eyes. Yeah, getting a DUI on horseback is much, much worse than trying to steal a kiss. You've still got the voicemail from when Joy called you in the dead of night, asking you to come get Rhett and his horse.
White flashes. Lighting up the world for the briefest moment. An ear-splitting crackle erupts from above. So loud that the town lights flicker in unison like a bunch of candles nearly blown out by the squealing wind.
"'s gettin' pretty bad out here." The sound of Rhett's voice is nearly lost to the ringing in your ear.
"Tell me about it," you lean forward, peering over at the miniature river that runs down into the alleyway, carrying with it a parade of purple, pink, and red flower petals. "The road'll be flooded by the time Autumn decides she's ready to leave."
Rhett's head tilts to the side. "You didn't drive?"
"Couldn't." Shocker, you know. "I had a hot date with a shot of whisky."
"Two from what I saw," so he was watching you do that, huh?
You wink. "I would have made it three if I knew you were watching."
Something crackles in the distance. Maybe a tree struck by lightning, bits of bark falling like rain. A little too close for comfort, whatever it was.
That tickling rises in the back of your throat once more. Forces another cough out of you. The purple petals catch in the wind before they can hit the ground, soaring off like tiny planes. Rhett's eyes follow them until they're out of sight.
All of a sudden, he rises to his feet, spurs chiming with the motion. Must have forgotten to take those off again. "Need a ride?" Offering his hand.
You take it before you even realize what he's asking.
A part of you is beginning to suspect that Autumn can see into the future because she's hardly phased when she turns her head to see you meander back into the bar, hand in hand with Rhett. Her white teeth flash you with a smile, perhaps a little too interested in whatever Billy Tillerson is babbling into her other ear. With their hands intertwined, you can hardly tell that they've got timers imprinted on their wrists, bearing identical numbers.
Autumn doesn't need to ask when you hand her the twenty from your pocket; in the time you've known each other, you've proven to be a creature of habit. Instead, she offers you a wink, not a word said.
Rhett's already by the door, working his beat-up wallet back into his jeans before he can set it down and forget that it's there. "Y' ready to get wet?" He chirps once you're within earshot.
You're not, but there's no stopping the rain now that it's coming down. "Ready as I'll ever be."
The door creeks open. A gust of wind rushes in through the gap. Slams you with the force of a freight train. Damn near strong enough to knock you on your ass. But Rhett's grabbing hold of your wrist and him hauling you forward is the only thing keeping your feet from being swept out from under you.
Freezing rain splatters against your skin like a million tiny bullets. So sharp you think they might pierce through and come out the other side. A sheet of white blinds you. Forced to lower your head and prey Rhett's hauling you the right direction. The sidewalk is already flooded. Splashing up to lick your ankles. Soaking through your shoes.
You're moving. You know you're moving. But you might as well be on some hellish treadmill because it doesn't feel like you're going anywhere.
All of a sudden, Rhett's pulling you to the right. Toward the curb. Reaching for the handle. Yanking so hard you can hear it over the rain.
It opens. You're inside within the very same second. Clambering into the cloth passenger seat, pulling your legs in, just as Rhett slams the door shut. Through the blurry dash, he's only identifiable as a big blue splotch, travelling around the front of his truck. His door rips open just as quickly, the vehicle rocking as he all but throws himself inside.
"'s fuckin' cold!" He sputters, blindly jabbing the key at the ignition. Miss. Miss again. Another miss. He tilts his head. It slides home.
It's been a minute since the last time you heard this old truck roar to life. Even longer since you've last felt your skin go this numb. Shivering like a leaf, nerves so ruthlessly beaten by the elements that they're shot. There's a texture to this seat. You know there is, but you can't feel it.
A weary hand darts out. Wavering back and forth. Narrowly misses the little heat dial.
"Ain't got heat, remember?" Rhett almost sounds guilty, though you can't say for sure. It's hard to get a read of his face when he's focused on putting the truck into gear, looking straight ahead as he pulls onto the road. Though you're not entirely sure why, he's still got that old—
...no. His spare shirt is still sitting in your clothes hamper, next in line for a wash. Even if you had miraculously known to carry it with you tonight, there's no way it would have done you any good. Not with how soaked your clothes are, dripping like you've just gone for an impromptu swim in the coldest river you could find.
Your arms rise to wrap around yourself, clinging to what little body heat you've got left. A jacket. Why didn't you think to carry a jacket? Lightning flickers. Crackling so loudly that you can feel it travel through the ground; almost sounds as if it's laughing at you.
Even in the safe confines of this truck, the win threatens to wriggle in and get ahold of you. Screaming around the truck. Whipping past light posts. Rattling them so hard that they sway back and forth. Something is telling you that a power outage is in your near-to-distant future. With how you can look out the back window and see it ravaging the main part of town, there's no way it's not going to take out a power line. One little mess up is all it takes to plunge this little town into darkness.
There's already a tree down. Its long branches obstructing part of the road, forcing Rhett onto the other side to squeeze past.
"'m I over far enough?" He sounds like he's got a handle on it, head tilting back and forth, drawing the truck closer and closer to the edge of the road.
Your eyes squint. Struggling to see through the window. "I think so."
It's an obstacle easily overcome, but as you begin to pick up speed once more, a new problem arises. Those poor little windshield wipers can hardly keep up with the rain. Coming down in sheet after sheet, splattering against the glass quicker than it can be swept off. Driving in the ocean would have better visibility.
"Can't fuckin..." Rhett's talking to himself. You hope he's talking to himself because you can't hear him over the chatter of your teeth. Trembling like some kind of exaggerated cartoon character.
The truck gently veers to the right, off into some kind of gravel space on the side of the road, grinding to a halt.
"The— the wipers can't go any faster?" Tongue limp in your mouth. Impossible to move.
Rhett's head shakes. "No, they don't..."
His eyes lock onto yours. Even that might be enough to eat away some of the ice forming in your bones. His jaw softens. Eyelashes fluttering with an incoming thought.
Slow, his arm rises from his side, extending your direction. "C'mere."
Your breath catches. Is that...no, you....you shouldn't—
"Promise I won't kiss ya," his fingers tap your shoulder, "'m jus' gonna warm ya up."
Another bolt of lightning flashes.
You're scooting across the bench seat before thunder even has the chance to arise. Slipping beneath his outstretched arm, helpless to do anything but fall into his big chest, equally soaked as you are, but he's warm. A big furnace, wrapping around and squeezing you into him.
He shifts the slightest bit, leaning against the door, opening himself up for you to properly squirm into his side. With such little space in this truck, it's a squeeze, but you fit nonetheless, cheek resting atop that old bucking bull tattoo, the scruff of his jaw tickling your forehead.
Another rumble rolls through, wind slamming into the side of the vehicle, rocking it back and forth like some kind of giant cradle. Rhett's legs shift, properly rising up onto the seat, knees knocking into yours as they settle. There's no way that you can feel his body, not with those thick jeans in the way, but a part of you swears that you can. So certain of it that you think the ice in your bones is beginning to thaw.
A big, warm hand runs up and down the expanse of your arm as if to create a little friction there. "Can y' still feel your hands?" He murmurs, voice rumbling against the top of your head, and you think that's the tip of his nose bumping into you.
You're wiggling your fingers, can see them moving in the darkness, but hardly any sensation comes of it. Feels as if you're operating a separate object and not a part of your own body. "I don't know."
He reaches down, both hands wrapping around yours, and immediately, it's as if you've been set ablaze. Fire burning in your frozen joints, sensitive to even the slightest change in temperature. Rhett's thumb swipes against yours, a rough glide, his skin weathered by a lifetime of labor on the ranch.
They're so much bigger, too, dwarfing yours in comparison, long and thick with muscle and built-up callouses. He must be noticing it as well because he's sliding his index finger down next to yours, and even in the dark, you can tell that he's at least twice the size. So big that you can hold just the four of his fingers, and not even need the rest of his hand.
You don't know why you're doing this or why he's letting you.
Careful, your gaze crawls upward, roaming over the wet fabric of his flannel, up his damp neck, and the dripping curls resting at his nape. And he's...
he's already looking at you. Half-lidded eyes fixated on your face, the corner of his lip twitching upward for the briefest moment. A tickle rises in the back of your throat. Nothing comes of it. Lightning lights up the world like a light switch flicked, but you don't hear the thunder that follows.
His nose bumps into yours. Breath fanning out against your skin.
This...you shouldn't...but...
Those blue eyes drop down to your lips. Then back up to you. His eyelashes flutter. You think yours might, too. He's so close. Can feel the stubble on his chin brush against you, a fleeting thing that you can somehow still feel, even after the contact breaks. A breath trickles out of your chest. The slightest little movement that brushes your bottom lip against his. And he's not moving away, he's—
An ear-splitting boom tears past the truck. Rattling it back and forth. Sends you and Rhett jumping. Your head bangs against the seat cushion. His elbow hits the horn.
"The hell..." he grumbles, with a shake of his head. "Was that s'pposed to be thunder?"
"Is that what it was?" Parroting him, looking toward the window as if that could possibly give you an answer.
The rain has slowed into a slow trickle that is easily swept away by the windshield wipers, unveiling the world around you once more. You recognize where you're at now, just two or three miles down from your house. So damn close, and yet...
"Let's get you home," Rhett's sitting up, and you've got no choice but to do so as well. The scoot to the passenger side is almost shameful, the cold, soaked seat squishing beneath you like a sponge.
A thick collection of petals swell in the back of your throat as Rhett's foot finds the gas pedal once more. Were you about to kiss him? What the hell were you thinking? That isn't how this works. You're not soulmates.
Somehow, the air has grown even colder without him wrapped around you, his very presence haunting you like a ghost. Lingering in the back of your mind so strongly that you can almost deceive yourself into believing that you're still snuggled into his side. But no matter how hard you focus, you can't force it to manifest into reality.
Cruel is what it is.
Even as the rain picks up once more, it's not enough to pull you over again, swept away from the windshield as quickly as it lands. There's another tree down, but it has barely made its way into the road, such a simple obstacle that only takes a second or two to get past. And just like that, your porch light is emerging in the distance. A golden glow that grows larger by the second, like a tiny sun rising to greet you.
The gravel driveway crackles beneath the tires; it's usually a pleasant sound, but today, all it does is cause your stomach to sink. Such a sour feeling that it rises, flower petals tickling the back of your throat until you cough. Little bits of purple scatter across your lap. Rhett's foot jumps to the brake pedal, a soft squeal emitting from beneath the vehicle as it comes to a stop.
You've never been so disappointed to see your front door.
"Thank you," barely a whisper as it leaves your mouth. Anything louder might break you.
He nods, eyes darting from your lap and up to your face. "Yeah."
The only sound in the truck is that of the frozen rain pitter-pattering on the metal roof. Nothing more. Nothing less. With a forced, tight-lipped smile, you reach for the door handle. It opens with a groan, creating just enough space for you to slip out, the oversaturated ground squelching beneath you. He doesn't say anything as you shut the door, so neither do you.
Resigned to silence, you trudge through the rain. Wind rips past, determined to lift you up off the ground and whisk you into the sky. But you don't lift off the ground. You don't even slip. Your feet find the front steps of your porch, hand fishing into your pocket and producing a set of drenched keys.
The confines of your home are so much warmer than it was outside, and yet, as you toe off your muddy shoes, you can't help but compare it to Rhett. Your heater may be strong, but it doesn't wrap around you the way his arms did. Big. Secure. The kind of thing you thought only existed in your daydreams.
Strange, you don't hear his truck pulling out of the driveway. You know he hasn't; that old GMC runs far too loudly for it to slip by unnoticed. Curious, you hook your finger into the blinds, pulling them down.
No, he hasn't moved at all.
...what's he doing out there? Even from here, you can tell that the storm is picking back up again, rustling through the trees, swaying them back and forth.
Nothing has fallen or otherwise obstructed the driveway, and something couldn't have gone wrong. Not that quickly. Unless he's suddenly developed the ability to hear your heart hammering against your chest, wordlessly begging him not to leave your driveway, there's no reason for him to still be parked.
The cab light flicks on. Then off again. All of a sudden, he's rounding the back of his truck. You're opening the door, socked feet stepping out onto the cold, wet porch. His spurs chime, boots thumping up one stair. Two. Three. Four. No, no, something must have happened. His eyes are wide, and his jaw is slack, looks half scared to death.
But he's not stopping.
"Rhett—"
"I forgot somethin'." One more step, and he's leaning down, and, and...
It's the simplest of things, merely pressing against each other for a long moment, but heaven itself cannot compare to the feeling of Rhett's lips against yours. His nose crushed uncomfortably against your cheek, big hands cradling your cheeks like you'll break if he doesn't.
Just as quickly, he draws away, soft blue eyes meeting with yours. Lightning flashes, but even the following slam of thunder cannot stop you from grabbing a fistful of his flannel and yanking him in once more. Lips crashing together, feet stumbling with the force of it. One of his arms is wrapping around your waist and your hands are sliding up into his hair. Bold. As if this is familiar, something you've done every day of your lives.
The press of his mouth and the stubble of his chin are so much more than your imagination ever could have crafted. Warm and scratching against you so deliciously that your head goes quiet. Soul mate markings be damned. This is where you're meant to be. Right here. Twisting your fingers through his unruly curls, gasping against him. Drowning as he kisses you again, and again, and again.
Your head is spinning. Stumbling blindly as he leans into you, forcing you backward. Your heel catches on the doorway. "Rhett—" But you don't fall. You can't. Not with that strong arm around you. "Cowboy!"
"You're the only one that's ever called me that." He breaks away, kicking at the door with his foot. There's no doubt a mud stain on the white frame now, but you've hardly got it in you to care.
"What?" Your nose bumps into his cheek. A little too close.
"Cowboy." He mutters, lips brushing against yours. So, so close.
A breath hitches in your throat. "Should I stop?"
"Never." And he's kissing you again.
Muffled thunder rumbles outside, and you're pretty sure the power has gone out, but you can't open your eyes to check. Helpless to do anything but tug on his hair, drinking in his deep grumble like you're starved. You should be embarrassed. Shouldn't be this desperate over a first kiss.
But Rhett's got it just as bad. Pushing you backward until you're bumping into the wall. His big, calloused hand is venturing beneath your soaked shirt. God, and you're letting him. Back arching as his fingertips trail up your spine, chest pressing into his. Gasping against his lips like you're trying to put on a show.
More. You want more. Reaching down to toy with the buttons on his shirt, undoing them one at a time, shaking fingers struggling to push them through the holes. Too eager to feel the expense of his chest beneath your palms.
"You're gonna have t' stop me," Rhett's speaking against your lips, batting your hands away. Makes no effort to finish your handiwork as he yanks the flannel off his shoulders, the final three buttons snapping off and scattering across the hardwood floor.
Before you can stop it, your hand drops to his belt, pulling him closer. Earns you an affectionate chuckle that echoes throughout the house. Those hips of his press forward, obnoxiously large buckle digging into your belly, not an inch of space left between your bodies.
"Why would I stop you?" It's too early for you to be reaching down to grab at the hem of your shirt, but you don't care. You want this damn thing off. The soaked fabric stubbornly clings to your frame, heavy as you drag it over your head. It hits the floor with a wet thunk, a mess for the future version of you to handle.
Those deep blue eyes might eat you alive. "Good point."
It's hard to tell who makes the next move. All you know is that you're leaning in to kiss him, noses crashing together, and his hands are appearing on your ass, squeezing until you get the hint to jump. It all happens so fast. The thunk of your back against the wall. His hips slotting between your thighs.
"Y' feel what you're doin' to me?" He grunts, and he doesn't need to specify for you to know what he's talking about—heavy bulge straining against his jeans, pressing perfectly against your core, igniting a familiar heat there.
"Uhuh," is all you're capable of. Greedy hands sliding across his chest and up his shoulders, feeling over all the little freckles and marks that have haunted your imagination. Fuck, and he just lets you. Too busy leaning in to steal a kiss off you. One. Two. Three. Before he shifts to the juncture of your jaw, stubble tickling as he kisses down your neck.
Your hips buck forward.
"Fuck," Rhett's voice tickles your ear, "shoulda let me kiss you earlier, sweetheart."
A shiver ripples down your spine. That's new.
Your mouth opens, but nothing comes out. Finding your words is a task in of itself. Hard to do much of anything when his lips find the soft spot beneath your ear, sucking lightly.
"You were drunk," voice strained, wound too tight in your throat.
"Felt pretty sober in the moment," He hums, tongue poking out to wet your skin. Fuck, you wonder what that would feel like in other places, thighs squeezing impossibly tighter around his hips, works a groan right out of him.
Thunder booms outside, but it's not enough to stop your lips from crashing once more. Teeth clattering, hopelessly grinding down into him, and even these layers of clothing can't stop you from feeling the way he twitches.
It's all a blur.
One moment, you're up against the wall. The next, you're on the ground again, socks sliding against the floor as you stumble down the hall. Hands tangled in his hair. Gasping against his lips. Moving blindly, too focused on each other to spare even a second. You don't know you're in the bedroom until the backs of your knees hit the edge of the mattress, falling backward with a yelp.
Fuck, you shouldn't be doing this. There's no reason for you to be letting Rhett Abbott climb into bed with you and slot his big, warm body between your legs. He's your friend. You've known him since you could walk. And these tattoos. They don't match. You're not soulmates.
Rhett's hand rises, pinning yours to the mattress, fingers slotting together. Must know what you're thinking about. "Who gives a fuck 'bout soulmates," he whispers, leaning forward to bump his nose against yours, rubbing them back and forth. "A damn stranger ain't gonna make me as happy as you do."
And you don't...you don't know what to say.
Maybe you don't need to say anything because he kisses you like he's heard everything your heart has to tell him. Stealing your breath away, plucking every little flower from your lungs, so dizzying that your legs have to curl around him to keep from floating away. As if you could possibly escape the big, warm arms that have settled on either side of your head.
Slow, his weight settles on top of you. Bellies snug together. So close that you can hardly grind up into him, reduced to a needy squirm, whining high in your throat.
"Shh," he coos. A big hand curling around your cheek, thumb stroking the thin skin there. "I'll take care of you."
He's already making good on his promise, pulling away to kiss down your neck once more. Hot tongue poking past his lips, running over a vein, leaves behind a glistening trail as he makes his way to your collar. One of his hands dips behind your back, pinching the clasp of your bra, opens it so easily that it almost surprises you.
The last thing you expect is for him to gasp when he pulls it away. Awestruck by the sight of you, bare, for his eyes only. "So fuckin' pretty," whispering, as he kisses down your chest. Too eager to run his tongue down the swell of your breast, so content that his closed eyes seem to smile.
Oh, that's...
"Rhett..." Heat swells in your lower belly. The feeling of his tongue swirling around your nipple is...truly something...
Just as quickly, he's darting to the other one, all too excited to feel the little bud harden beneath his touch. Sensitive. Only takes the slightest bit of suction to make you jolt. But he must have noticed something even more enticing because he's pulling away from that one as well, a big hand rising to toy with it as his head dips down lower.
A delicate kiss presses to the scar on your left side.
Then another. And another. And another. Loving on the old wound, as if he can possibly reverse the damage if he gives it enough attention. Maybe just one more kiss will do it. If not, then surely the next one can make it happen.
"It was nobody's fault," you say softly, reaching to run your fingers through his hair once more. Truly, it wasn't. Nobody could have anticipated that shard of glass.
"I know," the rumble of his voice tickles, pausing to run his tongue up the expanse of the mark, "jus' wish it didn't hurt ya like it did."
Gradually, he draws himself away from your side. Kissing his way down your belly until he meets the thin, delicate band of your underwear. His eyes peer up at you with a silent question. Your answer comes in the form of lifted hips, allowing him to pull the material down your legs. Then, he reaches for his belt, pinching it open with mesmerizing ease.
One boot thunks against the floor. Then the other. You really hope he didn't track mud all over your hardwood.
"You and that obnoxious buckle," the comment slips off your tongue before you can stop it. Too busy watching him undress. It's unfair how well the fabric clings to his thighs, fitting him like a damn glove.
He laughs, kicking his jeans off his feet. "What, don't think it looks good on me?"
"If I answer that, your ego will go through the roof." Your eyes roll; the last thing you need to do is tell him that, yes, you do like it. Lord only knows he'll run himself through four more rodeo seasons, trying to score an even bigger buckle.
"Already has," he winks, hooking a thumb into the waistband of his boxers.
You don't know what he's got to be so confident about until...
"Jesus, Rhett."
"What?" He grins. Absolutely fucking obnoxious. But you can't formulate a single word. "What?"
Your thighs cinch together, hiding yourself from view. There is absolutely no reason why that should be springing up from its confines, so heavy that it smacks against his hip, unable to stand up against his belly. So wet that even in the dark you can see him glistening.
"Naw, y' don't gotta be shy," Rhett's hand travels up your knee, slipping between your closed legs, callouses dragging deliciously against your sensitive skin, "'s just me."
A little too easily, you fall apart once more, feeling a little too exposed as his hungry eyes rake down your body. Every imperfection and curve is on full display. An exhibit of the life you've lived. And Rhett just might be your biggest admirer, his warm frame slipping between your legs, big hands gliding up your sides, pressing lazy kisses as he settles on top of you.
"Rhett..." you don't know why you're saying his name, thighs curling around his sharp hips. His cock head bumps into the meet of your thigh, sends you jumping before you can realize what's happened.
"Ain't gonna hurt ya," uttering beneath his breath, a sentiment meant for your ears only. "I promise." He reaches between your bodies, gently guiding himself to—
Your head tilts back with a gasp. That's new. The delicate drag of Rhett's cock, gliding between your folds, the underside of him nudging at your clit. Hadn't realized you'd gotten this worked up until now, so wet that you can almost convince yourself that you don't need any lube at all. Not a hint of dryness to be found, sliding so, so easily against you.
But then you're gathering the courage to peer down between your legs, and even the darkness can't hide how big he is. Thicker than your daydreams have ever depicted, just a hair longer than any of the toys hiding beneath the bed.
"Bedside table," you blurt, heart fluttering in your chest. Walking is a privilege you'd like to keep.
An unforeseen positive to letting your best friend between your legs is the fact that he knows exactly what you're trying to say. No need for questions as Rhett reaches off to the side, hand disappearing into the drawer. Comes back with the bottle, then delves back in, producing some tiny, round hunks of plastic.
You don't recognize them until he flicks one on—the tiny, fake candles from a few Halloweens ago.
"How romantic," there's a strangeness to this that you didn't expect; oddly casual, even with this newfound situation.
"What?" He asks, innocent as can be, like you have a choice in the matter, already putting one flickering candle off to the side. Another, next to your hip, and he's still got four or five of them left to turn on. "Ain't in the mood for some mood lightin'?"
Lying to yourself is fruitless. The soft golden glow is a welcomed addition to this dark little bedroom. Highlights the room just enough for you to catch the way he drizzles the lube into his palm, reaching down to spread it over himself. That big hand almost tricks you into believing his cock is smaller than it really is, the flushed tip nudging at your cunt with every upward glide.
They say monsters hide in the dark, and you know you caught sight of one between his legs.
Two fingers press into you. No warning to be found, the thick digits easing in like they've done it a million and one times, crooking upward, dragging against your walls. There's the slightest hint of a stretch, a soft ache that—
You suck in a breath, a soft noise escaping past your lips.
Rhett's cock twitches against you. "'s that it?"
Weak, you nod. Don't trust yourself to speak. Not with him gradually beginning to move, shallowly pumping those long digits into you, never pulling out far enough to make you feel empty. But it's so hard to stay quiet when he continuously rubs up into those little nerves, nudging them on every pass over.
"Rhett..." hips writhing against the bed, not sure if you want to lean into it or squirm away.
That must be all that he's planning to give you because all of a sudden, he's drawing away. Wet fingers glisten in the candlelight as he reaches for his cock once more, guiding it back between your folds. Not entirely the same as what you had before, but the drag of his cock head against your clit is so, so worth the exchange.
His warm chest settles against yours once more, lips finding your cheek, scratchy jaw tickling the skin there. Sounds like he murmurs your name as he travels to the corner of your mouth, pressing another kiss there. Finally. Finally, he meets you for a proper kiss, almost immediately broken by the swivel of his hips, reformed just as quickly.
Your hands are on the move. One in his hair, the other on his naked shoulder, feeling the way his muscles flex and ripple beneath your fingertips. Strong from a decade of bull riding and all that time spent on the ranch, chiseled and perfect in every way you can imagine. Fuck, it's like he was built just for you and this. Rutting between your legs like he's in heat, dragging against your needy clit until your hips twitch off the mattress, pressing into him.
Swallowing down his groan is enough to put you up on cloud nine.
A pressure appears at your entrance—the soft nudge of his tip. Your antics must have caused him to wander a little too far down. But you're pushing down onto him like it was your intent all along, and by God, he's not trying to stop you.
Rhett stiffens. "You want me to...?" Muttering against your lips, unable to draw himself away any further.
"Yeah," it's the easiest thing you've said all night.
It's all the encouragement he needs, mouth meeting yours once more. Slow, that pressure between your legs begins to grow, his blunt tip spreading you wide. There's a part of you already beginning to wonder if you should have asked for more lube, but his incessant lips are so damn distracting. Tangling with yours, drawing you into a captivating dance, spinning your head round and round, drawing your mind away from the burn.
His head slips into you with a soft 'pop,' such an odd little feeling that has you gasping into his kiss, fingertips digging into his shoulder blades. Now you can really feel him. The delicate drag of his length gradually filling you, centimeter by debilitating centimeter. You'll be waddling come morning. You can already feel it.
There's no way you won't be. Not with how your pussy aches with the overwhelming stretch of him.
"Y' want me to stop?" Rhett's low voice rumbles against your bottom lip; when did the kiss break?
Thunder rumbles outside, your only reminder of the storm that looms just past the thin walls of your home. Even the memory of running with him in the rain feels like it was forever ago. There were flowers filling your lungs just a few hours prior, but as you draw in a breath, you can't feel a shred of evidence that they were ever there.
"Yeah," nodding, your nose bumping into his, "you're just...a lot."
God, you shouldn't have said that.
But it's too late. There's already a wild grin emerging onto his scruffy face, so pleased with your words that his eyes seem to sparkle. As if the sight of you struggling to take his cock wasn't enough of a boost to his ego.
"'s that it?" Speaking through his smile, still has the audacity to sink even further into you. "Ya never had anything big as me?"
Your eyes roll so hard that they might get stuck.
All at once, his hips are flush with yours, not an inch of space left, your legs tightening around him as if there's a risk of him pulling back out. But that's not happening. Not with the way he's blindly nuzzling his nose into you, so lost in the feeling of you wrapped around him that he can't hold his eyes open.
"Y' alright?" His eyelashes tickle your cheek as they flutter open.
"Uhuh" is the best that you've got at this given moment. It's so hard to speak when you're so full. Couldn't take another millimeter of him, even if he begged you to. "You can..." pausing for a breath, "you can move."
In perfect synchrony, your attentions flicker down to where your bodies meet. A sight lit by the golden glow of the artificial candles, illuminating the slow withdrawal of Rhett's cock, where you're stretched so wide that you don't think your smaller toys will ever satisfy you again.
"Shit, look at that," there's no reason why Rhett, of all people, should be so mesmerized by this, but he is, and it makes you fucking dizzy. "'s fuckin' hot."
And then he's sinking back in and—
"Fuck," it's too early for you to be whimpering so high in your throat, but his blunt tip is dragging right against the sensitive nerves hidden within you, and it's so, so much.
This close, it's hard to miss the way Rhett's breath hitches, "'s that the spot, baby?"
All you can do is nod. Nails biting into his shoulders as he draws back once more, rubbing past that little spot once more. Toys don't normally get this sort of reaction out of you, but there's just something about it being Rhett that's getting to you. Your childhood best friend. The man that your weary heart has yearned for since high school. Eye candy at every rodeo he's ever set foot in.
His lips find yours, tangling lazily, humming all the while. A part of you wonders if he always demands this many kisses. If he makes a habit of smiling into them. The rest of you knows that he doesn't because otherwise, he'd know that the heavy thrust of his hips would send your teeth clattering together.
"Ow," he's jerking back as if he's not the main culprit behind it.
His cock head drives right up into those nerves. Sends your back arching up off the bed, pussy spasming around him, and you don't know which of you cry out louder.
"There, there, there," you're babbling like a fool, but he's already missing it again. Such a minuscule thing that every correction is an overshot.
Rhett's brows furrow, focusing so damn hard, and yet, "I can't...shit, that ain't it either."
But you've got an idea.
Without a word, you begin to lean up, foreheads bumping together as Rhett tries to follow along, his big blue eyes so wide that they glisten in the light. Slipping out of you entirely as he falls onto his haunches, looks like a big puppy when he's confused like this.
"On your back," your command is soft. It could easily be bent if he really wanted to, but he's already following through on it, twisting and falling back onto the bed without a fuss.
Settling into his lap is a feeling you've imagined a million and one times, and yet, somehow, it's unlike anything your mind has ever come up with. Warmth radiating off him like he's a damn heater, broad chest making your hand look impossibly tiny, as you lean on him for balance. He's already one step ahead of you, carefully guiding his cock back to your dripping cunt; all you've got to do is sink down and—
A pair of gasps tear through the room. Louder than the storm raging outside.
"Y' look so fuckin' beautiful on top of me, baby," Rhett sputters, peering up at you as if you've hung the moon and the stars in the sky.
Already, you're beginning to move. Knees digging into the mattress, palms firm against his chest as you lift yourself up. The curve of his length alone is enough to make your thighs shudder.
"You're not so bad yourself," you're breathless already, hips swiveling, searching for that deceptive little angle. Maybe if you...lean a little further forward...
There it is.
A tingle ripples up your spine, clamping down around Rhett's cock, and he must feel it because his head rolls to the side, lips parting with a groan that ought to make your head spin. Those big hands settle onto your thighs, gripping like he'll fall off the bed if he doesn't.
"Is that—oh fuck," his hips jerk up off the bed, leaking tip kissing those little nerves head on, "is that it?"
You can't answer. Palms shivering against his chest, already fighting to keep yourself upright. An ache blooming in your thighs with every rise and fall, head tilting back, a familiar heat beginning to bloom in your lower belly.
Rhett must be feeling it, too. There's no way he isn't. Head rolling from side to side, back arching off the bed, unable to keep himself still beneath you, a whiny mewl escaping his parted lips. And all it's doing is jostling his length inside of you, sporadically tapping against all those sensitive spots.
A calloused thumb appears on your clit. Not sure when he started reaching down, but it's damn near got you collapsing onto his chest, a tremble setting into your exhausted bones.
"Fuck, Rhett!" You're squealing, poorly built rhythm already beginning to fall apart.
Again, his hips snap upward, heavy balls smacking against your ass. "'m sorry, I'm not trying to buck my hips. I just..." he doesn't get to finish that because you're falling forward into his chest, face burying into his shoulder. It's too much. It's too much.
Big hands settle on your hips. Gripping tight as his knees bend, feet digging into the mattress to pump into you properly. Lewd smacks of skin on skin echoing through the room, artificial candles bouncing with his every motion.
"Anyone else ever fill your sweet pussy like this?" He rasps in some rumbling, guttural tone you've never heard before. "Hm?"
Your head shakes, but it takes a moment to realize that he can't see what you're doing. Not with you nuzzled up under his jaw. "N-no," whimpering right into his ear.
Those hands are moving again, gliding up your back, big arms securing themselves around you like a hug, the only damn thing that keeps you from bouncing further up the bed. Your forearms settle on either side of his head, shivering as you try to lift yourself up, but you can only go so far, barely able to meet his eyes.
Lips clash, so loose that it hardly even counts as a kiss. Drinking down Rhett's feeble whine. Makes your head spin so much more than the alcohol ever did. Heat pools between your legs, pussy tightening like a vice around his pistoning cock, thick tip rubbing into those nerves over and over and over.
You're close.
"I love you," it slips out of him so quietly that you nearly believe it's a figment of your imagination. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
One of your hands delves into his hair, noses colliding. Think you might be whispering it back, but you can't hear what's coming out of your mouth. Overridden by the blood rushing to your head and the slap of his skin against yours, and, and, and...
Spots appear in your vision. Body going taut as you cum around him without the slightest warning. Crying out high in your throat, forehead knocking against Rhett's, an invisible flame racing across your skin. Every thrust pushes your head higher into the clouds, could damn near float up to the ceiling if his arms weren't tightening around you, his hips stalling. A melody of whimpers bubbles out of his throat, orgasm washing over him like a tidal wave.
You think you can feel it. The spasm of his cock and the warmth of his cum painting you white, flooding your pussy so full that you think it's already beginning to pour out of you. His hips jerk up into you, punctuated by a sickening squelch and his own broken moan.
And yet, somehow, you've got the strength to meet his swollen lips, lazy tongues poking out to twist together like a greeting. Wet and messy as can be, saliva running down your chin, drooling like dogs in the summer sun. Rhett twists beneath you, and you're vaguely aware that the world around you is spinning, falling into the mattress beside him.
A tickle rises in the back of your throat, forcing a cough out of you. Two purple flowers dance out onto the bed, obnoxiously vibrant and dainty. They've always been small, nothing compared to the roses Rhett's been choking up, but they look even tinier in his sweaty palm.
"Spiderwort," he murmurs after a moment, running a fingertip over their petals. Bleary blues peer flicker up to you, half-lidded and turned upward by his dumb smile.
They've always been his favorite.
"So there was no girl at the bar?" You ask, hand wandering onto his cheek, curling around it like he's the most delicate thing on this planet.
His head shakes. "Never."
There's still a storm lurking outside, rattling the house, lightning and thunder striking the ground with an unmatched fury, but you hardly notice it. Too distracted by the warmth of a cowboy, his legs tangling with yours, uncaring of the mess you've made together. Kissing just for the hell of it, wandering across cheeks and peppering over old scars, musing about the memories attached.
When you fall asleep, you're not sure, but you wake snuggled into his naked chest, his big arm looped around you like a blanket. Sunshine peeks through the gap in the curtains, the shrill tune of a bird singing her song, and for once, it's dreamy rather than irritating.
On its own accord, your fingers drift across his sleeping face, warm and maybe the slightest bit flushed. Wandering over the scruff clinging to his jaw, finally at that length where it's grown soft to the touch. Drifting around the minuscule scar above his brow, the only remnant of the night you snuck out together and wrecked the four-wheeler.
As far as you're aware, Royal never did find out why it started making that funny noise.
...or maybe Rhett was never asleep to begin with because when you look back down, his eyes are open.
"Keep doin' that," he grumbles, voice deeper than the rumble of last night's thunder, leaning in to press his lips against your forehead. You don't need any further encouragement, trailing your fingertips across his face just for the hell of it.
There are things you should be saying. Discussions to be had about where this puts you and what you are to each other, but the upturn of his lips tells you a million and one words. Seriousness can wait. For now, all you want to think about is this next kiss he's planting on you.
And then another between your eyes, and another on your left cheek, one more on the tip of your nose. Slowly but surely sprawling across your face, peppering you with them so quickly that it feels like the wings of butterflies fluttering against your skin.
"Rhett!" You squeal, pushing at his jaw, but it's no use. He's rolling on top of you, and you're helpless to do anything but squirm and cry out, forced to endure all these kisses.
As quickly as they start, they stop.
You're half anticipating them to begin the moment your eyes peel open, but he's not even looking at you. Too focused on something next to his face, just past your wrist.
Or maybe...
"What?" You're not following.
He leans back, brows furrowed as he looks down at his arm.
You don't get it. What, was he expecting the tattoos to change overnight? It still looks the damn same to you—
...oh.
That's not the same marking that has marred your skin from birth. And Rhett's turning his arm to let you see, and it's—
It's the same. Rhett's old bucking bronc, your shoe flying behind its upturned feet. It was never meant to be identical; they were meant to complete each other's picture.
"Are you serious?" You're sputtering through the smile emerging onto your face, so wide that it shapes your eyes with it.
And Rhett's not doing much better. Red-cheeked. Grinning from ear to ear. "We just been wrong 'bout it the whole fuckin' time."
This time, when he leans down to kiss you, there isn't a single flower to be found in your lungs. No roses. No spiderwort. Just you and him collapsing into these messy sheets, tangled together as one, matching tattoos at all.
Separation is only temporary. Breaking apart just long enough to venture into the shower together, uncaring of the tight fit, so long as Rhett's hands are gliding along your body. Tangling together in the kitchen, waiting on the microwave to beep, feet knocking into each other beneath the table like you're five years old, and sharing breakfast at the Abbott house again.
He kisses you in the hallway while mopping up the mud he tracked in. Peppers them along the side of your neck when you stumble out onto the porch to find that a tree has fallen, blocking your driveway completely. Perry says he'll come by with a chainsaw tomorrow afternoon; he could be here within the hour, but you've got the feeling that he's already caught on to what's happened.
In the middle of summer, you begin to suspect that some familiar flowers are beginning to grow around your home. Vibrant little buds sprout from amidst the dewy grass, nestled against the foundation of your home and roaming out into the lawn, running rampant now that the storm has run out of rain.
Roses don't grow in Wabang. Unless, of course, they're accompanied by spiderwort.
A few kisses from a cowboy are all they've ever needed.
#rhett abbott#rhett abbott x reader#oneshot#afab reader#hanahaki disease#soulmate au#friends to lovers
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Player characters are talking things out less in C3. That’s because the players created characters that are less inclined to open up, are interpersonally conflict-adverse, are lacking self-awareness, and are deflective. There are plenty of opportunities for interpersonal RP that the players are choosing not to take. Choosing not to do something is revealing character and is creating a fascinating dynamic which is different from the previous campaigns.
What we have here to varying extents and extremes are a bunch of Scanlans. What we have is a powder keg.
What happens in a snowballing, urgent situation with high fucking stakes when a party like this doesn’t talk, doesn’t bond, and chronically lets things fester? Like, I guess be cranky if you want because there are fewer regular moments of interpersonal RP than previous campaigns, but I am way more into the fact that it also means when we do get it, it’s often explosive! Or sometimes extremely subtle and beautifully nuanced! Where small little moments carry huge meaning, like a small moment of Ashton leaving a piece of FCG in Aeor and saying “welcome home buddy”. That’s such a beautiful moment of grief that punches so hard because there hasn’t been time to grieve properly. Because sometimes the reality of your world means you can’t, you have to keep moving and keep fighting. That has consequences and effects on characters.
Not every group talks things through, and it’s adding so much delicious extra tension because we don’t know when the next interpersonal explosion is going to happen. It could be at the absolute worst fucking time and have huge ramifications for the plot purely because of timing! That is thrilling to me! Half of why I’m enjoying this campaign is because they aren’t talking and shit keeps building up and building up in the background. That Dorian hasn’t told anyone literally any details about what went down just before he returned is juicy, juicy tension and it’s having effects, like Dorian being more inclined to agree with Ludinus and Orym not understanding why which is starting to manifest as conflict. That’s great characterisation and fantastic role playing and messy and interesting and so fucking real.
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Mob distraught by milk after Mogami arc
/brain rot : Post Mogami arc, alternative timeline, OC included
Reading Mogami arc changed my brain. What if it actually changed Mob's psyche in the wrong ways?? What if Ekubo came in too late and he's already went ape shit, snapping and killing a student, leaving him mentally scarred. Ekubo gets him out of there with "you're in a dream, boy. This isn't real. Remember your real life, everyone loves you and you're working hard to become strong!" The usual thing and they manage to defeat Mogami. But the thought is there. If Mob managed to actually murder someone out of anger in that dream, what is he capable of in real life? What if he snaps? Mob becomes scared of himself. Milk becomes disgusting giving him nausea and he's more discreet than usual, shutting himself down. In the end, he manages to confess to Tsubomi, avoiding the truck accident but, what's the point He handles rejection extremely bad, self doubt and hate invading him. Both of his sides fighting each other and harming others around him. This is much worse than the original route. I was thinking about all of this as an alternative route of the canon story, including Mirai. I would love her to witness Mom's moral downfall while she's slowly healing in the wrong ways. Reigen in the middle of it is destined to die by Mob's hand, failing to bring him back. Mirai's presence in Asagiri's mansion somehow changed everything and triggered a snowball effect to the worst ending but the whole lore is to make her realize that even if she can see all the endings, she has to learn to stop avoiding confrontation, accept her past as a part of herself and not a mistake and open up to people to fix "bad endings" (She has a avoiding personality and runs away and shuts down the moment things go south). Reigen having to manage a depressed kid, an explosive grown woman and his mom harassing him to get married and have kids:
+++ Now I'm thinking harder: yes Mob will be afraid to hurt people and go insane. Wait until he remembers he already did it. This could either happen while Ritsu talks too much Or Mirai reveals it by reading his past (clairvoyance) "Wait, I thought you already knew it?" Imagine not being able to remember something that happened to you and proof is shown in front of you. Diabolical. The fear of harming leads to an easier loss of control.
#mp100#mob psycho 100#reigen arataka#mob shigeo#mp100 oc#mogami keiji#ritsu kageyama#mogami arc#alternative timeline#mp100 au#milk
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We are not judging how bad the movie is, we are judging which adapted the book the worst. There are good movies that are bad adaptions.
Propaganda below the cut (spoilers may apply)
Persuasion:
They massacred my girl!! That is not Anne Elliot!! The whole point is that she's beaten down and thinks she's missed her chance at happiness and is bullied by her family, not making mean and snarky nods to the camera :( They completely missed the whole point of the dynamic and it's SICKENING! They also cut Mrs Smith who is arguably one of the most important characters as she highlights Anne's lack of focus on title and rank and her family's comparative obsession with it + it's only through her that Anne learns about Mr Elliot's true nasty nature. Also they cut the 'I am half agony, half hope' line from Wentworth's letter at the end so what's even the POINT of adapting it if you don't have that!! Oh my god!! My poor favourite Austen novel :( (I do want to make it very very clear that my issues with the movie come from the writing and adaptation and not in any way from the race blind casting. The casting is superb and I'm genuinely so disappointed that they got such a bad adaptation bc so many of the cast are literally perfect)
Where do I even start? They tried to 'modernize' both the protagonist and the love story and managed to take out everything that made it good in the first place. Anne Elliot in the novel is quiet and good and helpful, full of regret. In the movie, she constantly turns to the audience to mock everyone around her, feeling so much better than everyone, to the point where nobody understands why Captain Wentworth would still be in love with her, or have fallen in love with her in the first place. Eight years before the plot starts, she broker her engagement to him because she was persuaded by a family friend that it was a bad idea. No way would movie!Anne have let herself be persuaded. They just tried to do a Fleabag/Emma type of thing without understanding what made either the novel or those two things work and thereby ruined it completely
Whoever made this didn't understand the point of the novel at all. They completely screwed up the character of Anne Elliot (the protagonist), which in turn screws the rest of the movie, as the original story only works because Anne is the way she is. Also, it's a period piece but the characters are talking in modern slang the entire time. And not in a clever way but in a very cringey one. If Jane Austen knew, she'd probably turn in her grave, and rightfully so.
Maximum Ride:
The storyline makes absolutely no sense, and the movie is nothing like the book. You could've given the movie an entirely different name and and keep the plot I wouldn't bat an eye
the movie's just bad mate
Horrendous low budget netflix movie with effects so bad they make me feel physically ill and acting so wooden the cast is in danger of being attacked by lumberjacks. The story already wasn't the best and the film somehow made it worst. I came in with nostalgia for my dear kids with bird wings and left never to be the same again.
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children:
While Miss Peregrine was one of my favorite books as a kid and incredibly unique in the way the story is written (The author basically took a box of weird antique photographs and created an underlying story behind a handful of them) the movie is incredibly boring. Like seriously I can't remember a single goddamn thing about the movie besides my extreme disappointment with it after leaving the theatres. It's probably because the original is a trilogy but they didn't want to make it a trilogy for the movie so they just scrapped the ending of the first book and rewrote a shitty climax where they threw snowballs at the nightmare child eating creatures or something. I remember THAT scene perfectly because it was so, so dumb. It was so stupid oh my God- ALSO, thank God I have a copy of the book from before the film came out because new copies don't have one of the photographs that the actual book uses as a base anymore and instead have the shitty movie poster! We truly do live in a society.
Changed way too much so it doesn't feel like the same thing. The main characters are these kids with different abilities (called peculiarities) and the movie switches around their powers and changes almost everyone's age. Emma and Olive switch powers so that Emma now floats (they also added that she can kind of control air to some extent) when she's supposed to have fire powers to match her fiery personality. Olive can make fire now and she's also aged up from an eight year old to a teenager and put her in this weird romance with Enoch. Enoch is also aged up from a grumpy thirteen year old to around the same age as Olive. Bronwyn, one of the older kids in the book and sort of a motherly figure to the younger kids, is now one of the youngest kids. Hugh and Fiona are aged down and basically have no interaction at all in the movie, even when their book counterparts had such a good relationship. The only one they didn't really change was Horace and Jacob. They also added these gorgon twins that do like two things. The antagonist in the movie is Mr. Barron who honestly isn't super memorable and isn't in the books whatsoever. The ending of the movie is weird too because they manage to turn back time somehow so Jacob's grandfather isn't dead and then he hops through loops so he can be with Emma and the other peculiars. I guess the problem of wights and hollowgasts is magically eliminated and we do not have to deal with the consequences. It took six books to fix everything. I appreciate that the movie engaged me enough to read the series but once I did, I could not believe they did my kids that dirty.
Yikes where to start. The 3 girl characters are all mixed up. There are 2 teens, one who's super strong and has a brother (I'll get back to him) and one who controls fire and is the love interest named Emma. The third girl is a child called Olive who floats. She's lighter than air.
In the movie, strong girl is the child, olive is now the fire girl and is for some reason super introverted, and Emma the love interest floats and gets given a super breath??? Power?? Like she rises a sunken ship by blowing in and keeps a man blown against a wall by blowing air at him. He makes a remark that she'll run out of breath eventually, which happens here because plot convenience, but not when she's blowing in the sunken ship.
The enemies in the book are terrifying Hollows. Creatures who have lost themselves and devour souls of those with powers... The movie decides they eat eyes now. And turn human again. And get busted up in a fair for the final act of the movie. Ugh.
The movie also decides randomly that time travelling through the loops is a thing; a loop being a pocket of time that replays the same day over and over. But apparently this means Main Character can travel back in time and stop his grandfather dying??? What?? His grandfathers death is the whole start of the movie and motivation for the character.
The movie undermines many of things that made the book amazing and even decides it's not a trilogy anymore!! Fuck the other 2 books, right?!
Tldr; it is terribly hollywood-ised and t tim Burton ruined a franchise by trying too hard to make it quirky and fun when the books already had a brilliant sombre and interesting tone to them.
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I’m in the hospital but I’m gonna be ok + I’ll be going home in a couple of hours. I’m sorry if I worried anyone. I have had the worst year and a half of my life and it is very obvious I am not handling it well
I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to enjoy today specifically because I think I unconsciously told myself that if I couldn’t enjoy today, I could not possibly enjoy any day; if I cannot feel good with these f/os who mean so much to me, then that must mean I can’t feel good with any f/os, that it is proof I am incapable of healing unless if I am able to feel good self shipping and celebrating an f/o anniversary today for the first time in two years.
But that wasn’t what made me spiral so badly— what drove me to make such an impulsive drastic decision that led me into being injured + at the hospital was just, my ptsd and the situation I’ve been stuck in has been so. fucking. vile. It has been extremely difficult for me to feel safe IRL, as well as with self shipping, which is awful because self shipping has always been my strongest coping mechanism for a little over twenty years. Not having self shipping feel the same for the last year and a half has been so hard, and I still haven’t found any other coping mechanism as effective (affective??) I find it difficult to feel joy anymore bc my ptsd/anxiety has been flaring up so much it has made my depression astronomically worse.
which is what today was supposed to be for, I am supposed to be celebrating the fact that I found two f/os who made me feel safe again for the first time one year ago and breathed some life back into me to help me self ship again. But i never feel 100% safe. I never really feel fully loved or like I am able to relax with any of my f/os because my trauma feels like it’s done too much damage. I grieve the special interest I lost every day, i grieve the 200+ tf f/os that I was conditioned to believe would harm me. Besides tf, I have still lost so much due to trauma. Songs, colors, certain clothes, certain phrases, certain animals, characters, there’s so many triggers. I don’t go a day without getting triggered by something and then getting angry with myself for being triggered, beating myself up for being traumatized. Then I feel utterly heartbroken that this happened to me. Then I get angry again because this all should never have happened to me. It’s like, the moment I’m triggered I start snowballing, and I cannot find the off switch. I don’t know how people are able to turn off their emotions. I can’t function.
I don’t go a day without a flashback or a nightmare reliving everything that happened to me, that is still happening to me. I am always crying over the things I’ve lost and I really don’t think I am able to go back to the person I used to be. I already was so unhappy before my trauma, which is why I was so reliant on self shipping my whole life, but now I’m like… just some scared, broken, jittery thing. I feel like just a shell of a person way too often and it’s so hard to not feel hopeless
I had today all planned out these last 2 months, I had a special breakfast made, I was planning a really good dinner, I was going to make a beach cake and heart cookies, I ordered flowers, etc. a ton of shit planned. I was going to go to the beach, go to the movies, customize my dolls. My favorite part of f/o anniversaries is looking back on my love notes and reblogging them. I had sooo much planned for Barbie and Ken for my blog. They’re so important bc they’re the only good thing I’ve been able to cling onto this whole year, yet I am doing so fucking badly and have barely felt anything for them for a few months now bc I’m so overwhelmed with reliving my trauma. I didn’t get to queue anything special for today. I should really be happy today but I’m not, and it’s really making me believe “ok well if I can’t feel any joy from these f/os then I can’t feel any joy with anyone ever again bc my ptsd is just too fucking bad.”
I haven’t slept *at all* in the last couple of days which obviously makes my emotional distress way worse. i could not for the life of me make today work. I wasted a lot of time and energy and money trying to feel something for my f/os when I am in the worst headspace. I don’t think it’s worth even postponing the anniversary celebration bc I just feel… absolutely nothing except dread and grief 24/7.
I don’t know what else to say. Physically I am injured and emotionally I am Not Okay, but I’m alive I guess. I didn’t want to go offline and say nothing whatsoever because then people would probably worry after seeing that last post. I am sorry if I worried anyone, I am obviously just. going thru it right now and idk when it’s gonna get better. I’m gonna try to get back into the habit of self shipping and watching movies with friends again, y’know like the saying fake it til you make it, maybe it’ll trick my brain into feeling better. I won’t go offline entirely but I am probably not gonna open any messages for a while, I’m sorry I know I haven’t opened any dms in over 4 months, it’s just been so hard and my energy levels are dead. But I make sure they’re unread/unopened so the notification is still there to remind me and I’ll be able to get back to ppl when I gather the strength. Um I don’t know what else to say. I love you.
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Normally I don't discuss big drama topics like this on my quirky little Tumblr blog, but there's something about the whole HBomberGuy plagiarism video that truly fascinates me.
It's the way Internet Historian fans reacted to it.
Illuminaughtii fans were pissed at what she did and viewers were calling her out for years, especially after what she did to her former colleagues. AVGN fans have been dissatisfied with the state of his content for a while now, James Somerton practically betrayed his audience and Filip Miucin is so beloathed that I deadass forgot his name while writing this and thought his name was Patrick.
Basically everyone saw what these creators did and we're collectively either unsurprised or disappointed to say the least. Internet Historian fans however, they were probably the most vitriolic community during this entire event. They were quick to either label the video a hit piece, claim Bomberman was slandering IH, discredited the video because of Bomberman's political views and friendship with HassanAbi (despite a majority of the video going after a left leaning LGBT analyst..) and in general, just kinda meat riding IH.
I don't think Bomberman went about the IH stuff perfectly, I definitely believe he had some hang ups with him due to IH's more...let's just say 'Chud' style of humor and the audience he cultivated. But to say the entire segment or even the whole video was a Historian hit piece is misguided at best and dishonest at worst. Historian might be reserved, but there's no denying that his silence regarding the plagiarism allegations kinda did lead to a snowball effect, people are too familiar with false copyright claims and some were a bit..too eager to bring the Jews into this. Yes he did resolve a lot of this, but there's a level of distrust I feel now, like how I feel with the other examples Bomberman used, if they were willing to do it once, what's stopping them from doing it again just with an even more obscure source? Historian and some of the others don't even have the algorithm breathing down their necks because they upload as frequently as Deltrarune chapters come out, so why not take time to come up with your own shit?
This is why I found the sudden nosedive into politics so...bizarre, because I didn't see this with the other supporters, not even Somerton and he's arguably the most political creator of the group.
If I were to armchair psychology my way into some kinda explanation, I'd probably have one of two reasons:
Internet Historian is a beloved creator who many people consider a trustworthy and extremely creative individual, and hearing him be accused of something scummy can have the most loyal fans feeling a bit wounded and defensive. I was definitely a huge fan of his work before the Bomberman video hit, I probably watched The Fall of 76 ...76 times? So learning it was made by someone willing to pull from someone else's work and pass it off as his own, it kinda stung.
The second (and let's be honest more likely) possibility is that there's political motivation behind it. No one can deny that Historian has appealed to more 'Anti SJW' crowds before, those people tend to be either more right leaning, center leaning or left leaning but don't like the way extremists behave. If you watched any video about Tumblr IH has made, it's quite clear whether intentionally or not what kinda audience he appeals to. Likewise, when the one person IH's audience despises the most (a leftist commentator, male feminist and someone actively criticizing IH) shows up, their instinctual reaction is to cry 'woke libtard getting mad at gigachad meme man'.
The reason all of this frustrates me, and why I even crawled out of my comfort zone of posting random crap and gay Homestuck drawings, is because it's a genuine example of political brainrot and creator dickriding muddying the waters of the discussion being had. Like Bomberman or not (I like his shit but don't always agree with his takes) you have to admit his video opened the floodgates for people actually kinda giving more of a shit about plagiarism online than before, highlighting how easy it is to get away, how there's almost nothing you can do about it law wise unless you're REALLY lucky and how much it can hurt genuinely talented or marginalized people.
And I'd hate for us to just ignore that conversation because you don't wanna admit your favorite funny internet guy might not be the best person.
Here's an unrelated picture of Wurmple eating soup.
#rant#discussion#youtube#internet historian#hbomberguy#plagarism#istg if the fall of 76 was plagiarized its gonna be my 13th reason
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i lied! i did big fibs, i have more to say about the watcher situation after all. some assorted thoughts:
1. i'm a little surprised at just how big the rift is in the fandom post-apology. if i go into the tag, it literally alternates between "you guys are twisted sickos for bullying them into walking back the new platform" and "you guys are major chumps for accepting the apology and my trust is permanently damaged." this is a fandom that previously seemed pretty monolithic to me as an outsider, so i wonder if this will have long term implications for the sustainability of their fandom.
2. they said there'd be a "free subscription" to the platform for patreon supporters. makes sense, since their patreon tiers are mostly more expensive than the watchertv sub. this was presented as an indefinite sub dependent on continuing to pay their patreon, but patrons are receiving emails saying the sub is actually only for 3 free months. i'm like 90% sure this is the same kind of situation where they encouraged password sharing even though the platform doesn't enable it. they once again just seem to not fucking know what the vimeo ott platform they're using is capable of doing. they have to stop making statements like this until they get a better understanding of it because it's continuing to make them look bad.
3. there are multiple reports on reddit that at least ryan and sara (shane's spouse) are deleting comments on their instagram. look, i get it, some of the things people are saying are downright vile. the pointed targeting of steven and the borderline fanfic-writing quality of some of the theories about what went down interpersonally on the team during this decision is fucking weird at best and racist/invasive at worst. furthermore, i dont think making comments on personal instagrams is a good way to be heard. but on the other hand, controlling what people say on your platform right after you made a "we hear you" statement is really bad optics. obviously i think they have a right to delete anything that's outright bigoted, but it seems like they're deleting anything decidedly negative.
4. some of the comments getting deleted are about potential "fake" or "plant" patrons trying to skew the narrative positively on the watcher patreon. i frankly think this is unfounded conspiracy shit until i see substantial proof, but deleting these comments in particular without responding can cause some straight up streisand effect. this can really quickly start snowballing if they make it look like they don't want anyone talking about it. overall i just don't know if they understand just how much they're under the microscope right now. i didn't have to search very much to dig this stuff up - people are watching and documenting them. i think the variety article revealing they did initially intend to remove their backlog and them trying to pretend they didn't walk that back has caused a lot of people to hyper-inspect their every move. they're already in the youtube drama content cycle, and they risk someone making a blowout exposé if they aren't careful.
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On the subject of the necklace- don't you think it was icky and cheap of azriel to regift elains gift to glee ? I mean in fae culture jewelry is meant to be seen as a big mate gift- something monumental in their culture . Very icky of him no matter how heartbroken he was to go and give something he planned and had made for elain to a random women. Then worst he uses the line meant for elain - a thing of lovely secret beauty for elain - to describe glee ? In the same sense... why does he care abt how her teal eyes will light up and why does he store that image in his chest where his glows softly ?? I don't want elain with a man who thinks of another women like this - thats just so gross. Especially after he hurt her by calling her a mistake- it drives the msg of her being a mistake home by regifting her gift to the ginger. It shows her it meant nothing to him. That's such a red flag thing to do. Even if the necklace doesn't reach glee....his intention to give it to her doesn't wash away. It's gross for him to give something sentimental to some airhead. He's saying that if elain doesn't want it ...he'll find someone who does want it. Also why did he think to give it to her a whole day later- that means he was thinking of her irrelevant training session the entire day. I support elriel buy sjm needs to make him grovel and coz now he stands as immature and tantrum throwing when things don't go his way at the first sign of trouble. Sure ppl can argue he's being nice or it's glees powers. If he's so nice and felt so pitiful for her why not get her a non sentimental non personal gift. Also I don't believe sjm will make an sa survivor- have weird luring powers. .. so I don't think she lured him into giving her the necklace. None of it makes sense. Wouldn't he see glee wearing if she received every day at training and think of elain ? Imagine how hurt elain would be by first being called a mistake and then see something that was meant for her on another women's neck
So I think you are being a bit harsh.
In terms of 'regifting'--I don't view what he did as 'regifting'. Regifting is conscious. Someone gives me a vase that I don't like. I keep it, knowing that I can give it away next Christmas. Christmas rolls around and I present it to Aunt Mabel. That to me is regifting. What Azriel did wasn't that. He didn't think in advance that he wanted to give the necklace to Gwyn. I don't think he thought of Gwyn at all after meeting her on the roof. We know he was at the snowball fights and trying to murder Rhys with ice and rocks. The day after, when Nesta saw him, he was aloof and angry and didn't talk. It's not like he sauntered over to Gwyn and started chatting her up, or began looking for the necklace on her neck. Or asked Nesta whether Gwyn mentioned receiving a necklace.
He wanted to give the necklace away--what't more, when he finds it in the pile of gifts, he still calls it 'Elain's Necklace'. He associates the necklace squarely with Elain.
He didn't go directly to Gwyn and presented the necklace as if he bought it for her. Not at all. He suggested a random name in addition to 'any priestess that might like it' to Clotho.
I also don't think that he called Elain 'a mistake'. He called what they were about to do, the kiss, a mistake. Obviously it's done for dramatic effect and causes Elain to return the necklace. THat's conflict. It's the same as Nesta telling Cassian at the end of ACOFAS that she doesn't want to see him ever again, and that she is not interested and that he should leave her alone.
The luring bit and Gwyn's SA--i really don't think that SJM is all that concerned about the optics of it. I don't believe it would be sexual luring and therefore, her SA is kind of irrelevant. I think it would be based on her powers, which she really can't just shut down. Whatever is happening with Gwyn and her siren/lightsinger situation--i don't know what SJM is planning to do with it. Like, not at all. I truly have no idea. But no, I don't think SJM would be stopped from writing something like that just because Gwyn was SAed.
Like SJM said--i think it was obvious. The conflict was set up and Gwyn's powers were hinted at again in the POV.
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Cobra Kai S4 - How it all Came Undone
Alright, so I was thinking about holding off on this until S6 was done done, but I think that I have enough to really... say the thing. With the caveat the final five episodes could be a mathematical outlier and fix everything wrong with S4-6.
But I have my doubts.
So this is about how the show changed from Season 3 to Season 4 and how that change snowballed out of control and unmade what worked about the series, but didn't replace it with anything better.
Spoilers for... a bunch of the show.
How Johnny got his Groove Back
So Season 1-3 has a very tight narrative focus on it. It's about Johnny. Our loser protagonist, trying to be better, is Johnny. Every character with a focus is either directly connected to Johnny, or connected to Miguel (Johnny's star pupil).
Daniel is his former nemesis.
Kreese is his former teacher.
The only exception in these first three seasons is Daniel's little trip to Okinawa having the characters from the second movie. They have nothing to do with Johnny, but in Season 3 they were a brief stop to show Daniel he did not know everything.
This story was still about Johnny. And his slow, often backslid, progress to make himself better. He learned from his mistakes (slowly), and when he hit a setback... he got drunk and banned from a nearby applebees.
Johnny is a hot mess, and bad at things.
But he was working, more or less, forward. The only one of his lingering plots to not really work forward was Robby. The writers either were saving it for later, or just had no idea how to fix it so they... didn't. He got close in Season 2, but that finale happened to derail everything.
But, it's fine, Season 4 will push the narratives forward. Right?
Enter the Best/Worst part of the Show
I need to be clear on this: I love Terry Silver.
He's an amazing antagonist, Thomas Ian Griffith is having the time of his life. He steals basically every scene he's on camera for. This absolute cartoon of a man is great.
What does he have to do with Johnny Lawrence? Yes, Terry is Daniel's personal Lucifer. He's a part of the franchise. But what does he have to do with Johnny? So far, until this season, the narrative was very squarely on moving Johnny forward as a character. Ignoring forward momentum for Daniel (which is fine, he's not the main character) to try to push just a little bit more energy into Johnny as a believable flawed protagonist.
And now our main power on the villain side doesn't give a fuck about Johnny and wants to play Hannibal Lecter with Daniel. This pivoted the focus on the narrative. Away from what directly impacted Johnny, to a more nebulous 'the fate of Karate in the valley.' Which is where are problems start.
How this Falls Apart
The focused Johnny-ness of Seasons 1-3 meant that the climax of each season (even if about other people) fed into Johnny's narrative, being either a push forward, or a kick down the stairs. But Johnny's plot beat was tied to the finale cleanly, and that bond went both ways, it fed into Johnny's continued narrative.
The problem is it meant they didn't establish a narrative through line for Daniel. He kind of existed to be a problem (S1-2) and a begrudging ally (S3). So when Season 4 put a villain that really called for focus on Daniel, they hadn't set-up a groundwork for how that narrative would shape or grow Daniel into something new.
More on that later.
And with the new focus on Daniel, the lingering Johnny plot threads just- didn't get resolved effectively. Robby and Johnny was resolved in the most lackluster way at the start of Season 5, because they didn't establish much of anything for it in Season 4, and had to put too much time into the 'fate of the Valley.'
But Daniel didn't have a momentum, so he's just- fighting the good fight without it impacting him other than annoying his wife. So the pair of them just kinda- cycle through their usual 'good notes' without it being a good tune. Johnny gets the good moments of character growth (undermind by keeping his behavior more or less the same), Daniel continues to be ungiving and mule-headedly set in his ways (without any introspection at all).
Daniel during the first three seasons is, generally, an antagonist. He doesn't have to grow and learn lessons, he is not the hero of the story. But once he becomes the defacto protagonist because of Terry, he kind of needs to evaluate his life choices a bit more and not just- repeat the same mistakes over and over without thinking it through.
Are the Kids Alright?
The teenager plots do a little better, sorta. For the sake of sanity the 'important' ones are Miguel, Sam, Robby, Tory, Hawk, and Kenny. And of them I'd only give Miguel, Sam, Tory, and Kenny the label of 'primary protagonist.' (Miguel in S1-2, Sam in S3-4, Tory in S5-6, and Kenny in S4-5.)
The issue is that most of the kid narratives resolve rather nicely and then... you have to keep the character around but also give them nothing to do? Which is a lot of the issues here. Except Robby who I will pay special attention to (also the worst resolution of their problems of the bunch).
Robby doesn't have a coherent narrative push, he ends up on whatever side lets him fight the people he needs to fight. Does it make sense for him to join Cobra Kai in S3? No but we need him in the story, and the alternative is Kyler. And Kyler sucks. Did we give a compelling reason for him to build a relationship with his dad? No, but we needed to spend plot time on Terry's McKarate School Master Plan.
Often the plot we get is good, but it always seems to be at the expense of Robby getting anything.
Can this be Fixed?
Not really. Nothing the final five eps of S6 can do will change how poorly focused 4-5 were. Going back in time we can try to keep the focus on Johnny. Chozen and Mike are good reminders, for Daniel, in spite of everything wrong with Johnny. Johnny never tried to kill him. That if Daniel can move past things with them, it should be easier with Johnny.
Or in the other direction, you can loop early season Daniel into current Daniel's plot. Bringing in Terry, the actual reason Daniel has PTSD over Cobra Kai, might give him the tools to understand why he reacted so badly to Johnny reopening the Dojo. So he can account for his behavior and try to find a way out of this cycle. If Daniel is the season focus (S4), you can actually give Johnny a plotline where he makes amends with Robby (provided Robby isn't- you know, drinking the Kreese and Silver kool-aid).
You could also not- repeatedly have Daniel and Johnny break-up over and over only to immediately remind them that Terry and Kreese are around. You could have Johnny's behavior obviously shift across the six seasons. You can have Daniel take responsibility for anything he's been wrong about over the six seasons. There's a lot of could have here.
I'm not saying the first three seasons were perfect- but they all were walking in the same direction, no matter how slowly they were going.
#cobra kai#i know chozen tried to kill me but we're cool now#but that johnny is bad news and always will be!#i chose not to talk about demetri because he's not actually a main character#he seems like one cause he's always around#but he doesn't have a narrative or anything going on#and he sucks#hawk is really only a secondary character#jacob bertrand is just very good at his job and very charismatic#so he sells his arc really well even if it doesn't super matter?#the show would be worse without terry in it#but he also kinda fucked up the whole flow of the show too
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